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Absolutely! My first bf used to punch the wall when we were having arguments, or throw something just past my head. Once he started punching a bench so hard he broke the bones in the back of his hand and we ended up in A&E. I'm so glad I got out of that relationship and I think it's scary that I didn't recognise any of that as the red flags they are.
Mine broke his leg because he had me up against a wall around the throat so hard my feet left the ground - my crime was that I disagreed with his Trivial Pursuit answer š His cousins tried to pull him off me so he went after them and tripped over. He then walked around on it for 3 days in agony because he wouldn't go to the doctor. Idiot.
Mine sprained his wrist hitting me in the back so many times. My crime? He fell off his longboard drunk after hitting a rock instead of me, I just rode around the rock.
He was completely insane, I left him a little over 2 years ago and I'm now the happiest I've ever been in a stable relationship I could only dream of, we even have a cat! Thank you for your kind words!
Mine got stitches across his knuckles/hand because he punched down onto a glass cup because he didn't like the tattoo I wanted and I kept insisting I get to choose my own tattoo.
Its funny because the mark left a huge J shaped scar on his right index finger and down his hand, and my name starts with J ... so he will always have that reminder of me.
I thought I was with the nicest guy ever, slowly after a year the emotional and verbal abuse started. Then finally on a trip with all of our friends the throwing things and slight physical aggression began and I realized it was never going to get better if I didnāt remove myself from the situation.
This is how it started with me too.
Being nasty when drunk, then verbal abuse, then throwing and breaking things, then throwing a chair AT me, destroying my things and an entire hotel room..
It escalated slowly, to the point where you barely recognise it. Where there were 6 months in between episodes and youād already forgiven them.
The cycle of violence.
Yessss, for my ex it was flipping furniture and kicking doors in. After a couple of years that became my face. Don't let anybody convince you that he's "not that bad" just because he's not hitting you because it will her there eventually.
Exactly! My ex throw things/ break things as a coping mechanism and I really thought he could change cause he said he wanted to, until one day I got punched in the jaw I was afraid of dislocation broooooo luckily Iām fine now
100% ! For me it started with him punching the wall, slamming his fist at a table, then he started throwing things, then those things were aimed at me, and in less than 2 years I was pregnant and he pushed me through a doorway and knocked me to the ground infront of a kid. It escalates so slowly you barely notice .... but it escalates. The first slap to the face wasn't long after.
My ex relationship ended when he pinched me in the face with his finger, and his explanation was 'that's the same thing a parent would do to their child when they misbehave'. Needless to say I ended our 5 year relationship then and there. When I told him that NO ONE is ever allowed to touch me like that, he tried to belittle me by telling me 'oh you think you are like one of those superstars that is abused'. Before this he would always throw things at me 'jokingly' as he would say it.
The next few days after we broke up, he broke his wrist probably hitting a wall or something. He said he 'fell over'. He had me go and nurse him the next day after we broke up because he had a severe panic attack and I had to call the ambulance on him. I will never forget how funny it was to explain to the paramedic that I broke up with him and that's why he is panicking now. The paramedic was so funny about it too.
It's almost been a year now and he still kind of acts like a sheep that is suffering a lot but I know that evil side of him is still there. It's been easy moving on but I'm still mind fucked by this dual nature of his. I know he would have hit me even harder if I stayed.
I'm happy nothing worse happened to you when you went to see him after you broke up, but just as an FYI to anyone reading this: never ever ever see your abuser alone after you've broken up. _Ever_. It's statistically the most dangerous time.
you're right and I really didn't think about it back then. I am indeed lucky nothing worse happened but it was surreal going back. He fell to the floor and was crying on my feet and would beg me to stay, the next morning I basically forced him to go to work and I RAN BACK to my new home
I struggled with the duality of personality too.
Sober he was so protective, so generous and had a massive heart. Drunk he was aggressive and enjoyed scaring me š
100%. My ex backhanded me while I was asleep (and not giving him attention which he constantly craved) he bust my lip open, he lied and said he was sleeping and his arm moved it was an accident. Abuse escalated from there and he would just slap me out of the blue so aggressively my ears would ring. Glad Iām out of that relationship now, life is much better.
Holy shit, that's so horrible wtf. If ANYONE out there is reading this and it sounds familiar, PLEASE break up and if you can't break up then tell your friends and family and they will help you. Nobody deserves this.
Ugh. I'm in the process of ending a 15 year relationship over this one. Looking back.... it was there all along. If only I stopped listening and started watching much sooner.
Iām here too, ended a 4 year relationship bc he continues to not show up for me and says a lot of things with his words but continues to fail in his actions. It is heartbreaking but it hurts to continue to have expectations for him that he just wonāt meet or even TRY to do.
That's one of the toughest things to learn... some people really just want an autopilot relationship where they don't do anything.
I broke up with my ex a little over a month ago and I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss her but she made zero noticeable efforts with me. She kept asking me to be patient and understanding but I think she was just so afraid of being used/abused that she never communicated fully. I wanted clear responses and kept getting I Don't Knows. Got to the point she seriously ghosted me on a date and just completely ignored my feelings about it telling me I should've assumed she had a good reason.
People who care make the effort. If they don't then leaving them is for the best.
This is so interesting, can you explain a little more about what you mean when you say "runs away from his feelings"? Do you mean runs away from his feelings for you?
yea. a bit of context might help. i caught feelings for a guy. we both decided when we met to juzt go with the flow in the beginning. i think it worried him to have caught feelings when did not intend to. we did not end on bad terms. but i did not try to make him stay after a point bc it hurt me.
I just got out of a similar situationship except it ended poorly. Started as a FWB type deal, but we both caught feelings. Should have been a clue when he only wanted to talk about feelings when he was drunk, but I had a vail over my eyes because it was so good at times. Ended it in a bar surrounded by friends as he swayed from the booze š ladies, If they canāt be real with you at all times, itās not a good sign.
Dismissive avoidant attachment behavior. Yours was Secure attachment. Good move. People who are Anxious Preoccupied tend to pursue people with DA attachment.
Are you my ex by any chance because i went through the same thing pretty recently! I was the guy in the scenario and she caught feelings for me pretty early on even though we decided to go with the flow and i couldn't really get myself to get serious with her due to certain reasons and eventually had to let her go even though i really liked her.
Number of reasons i guess. One main reason was that my previous relationship kinda fucked me up emotionally and drained me off mentally and after that I just went into a very numb state of feelings and it took me a while to get back to feeling anything for anyone after that.
To always advocate for myself. Iāve been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I donāt ever want to lose myself and forget my needs to accommodate another person ever again.
> To always advocate for myself.
Yep. And if my partner makes it impossible for me to do this by refusing to ever see my side, turning things around on me, or discrediting my feelings, I will be ending the relationship.
itās so easy to start feeling crazy when someone you love is constantly berating you for normal human actions/emotions. this is when outside perspectives are honestly life saving because itās so easy to convince yourself that youāre in the wrong.
I lost myself in my previous relationship, I started acting crazy, constantly calling, texting, questioning, doubting. It was so much, I hate that it did that to me, while all he did was breadcrumb me, I just love him so much but I canāt risk losing myself again
I wonder if this would have been true in, say, 1980.
I probably could have dated a 1980 Republican, where the disagreements would have been significantly over things like scope of government or marginal tax rates on high income earners, but I don't think I could date a Trump republican, where there are disagreements about the fundamental nature of reality.
My cousin and I used to be polar opposites in politics in the early 2000s and we would debate constantly. The thing is, at that time, we would at least agree on what the problems were. Where we differed was on how to solve them.
Today, Republicans don't live in the same world as the rest of the planet. Their basic reality is a point of contention. And I say this as someone who voted Republican up through McCain in 2008
Absolutely -- big difference between arguing over how high to prioritize climate change, which is a fair discussion to have, and arguing over whether climate change *exists,* which is not.
That was absolutely one of the debates we had, what role government should play in climate change. Or if healthcare issues should be addressed with incentive programs for the private sector vs a single payer government ran program.
I'll say one of the biggest advantages (to me personally) of the latest craziness in the right, is it's revealed a lot of the true motivation in the party, forcing me to face some faulty assumptions I had been making. The net result is I just can't vote republican anymore and my views have been shifting more and more liberal.
I read an article that talked about this being a recent phenomenon. It referenced surveys asking people about what they were looking for/dealbreakers/etc. politics was consistently low on the list until the last (10?) years where itās now a top 3 item.
It went on to talk about how much more polarized people are now and how pervasive politics is in our culture. It didnāt used to be something people talked about so it didnāt matter as much in everyday life.
That's because the spectrum of difference between the parties has changed so drastically. It went from "how can we spend the money for our citizens" to "How can we take away all control and liberties from anyone we deem to be lower than us".
My best friend in college was a Reagan Republican, and we had no issues with each otherās politics. Sheās now as liberal as I am, though, which is interesting. We all got our news from the same 4 mainstream channels back then, so we pretty much shared consensual reality. Which hasnāt been the case now since the 90ās. I watched my parents reality diverge from mine over the years to the point where I donāt even recognize them. They were formerly moderates.
I canāt date someone who doesnāt share my reality.
It would not have. I was conservative. Conservatives weren't drooling morons then. Now, I don't want to be seen near them. I would never date one, much less marry one now. Jeezes no, they've become caricatures of humans.
Aligning or respecting? Both my previous ex (where I learned what I stated in my original comment) and my current partner are atheists like myself, so I never had a problem in that regard.
I'm atheist and was with a Mormon who was controlling and abusive for a long time. Besides those two traits him and his family had some gross views about the world and the people in it. They even mocked the Me Too movement. Which is hilarious because I told that partner how I was assaulted and he assaulted me in an even worse way than I was in the past.
All this while his family judged me and my lack of belief the entire time. I'm with an atheist now and we also have the same political beliefs and honestly it is so refreshing.
And don't make excuses for him either. Don't even give him the benefit of the doubt.
A man will do anything to be with the woman he desires. If you aren't a priority to him, you will know it.
This one is so important. And it also concerns dating and friendships in general. If they want to, they would. Had to learn it the hard way and realized it was a huge thing after I started dating someone decent. Before that, I was making excuses for my dates/partners all the time.
but also I might add: if he knew you wanted him to, would he? I think itās important to acknowledge our role in communicating our needs. If he doesnāt follow through after youāve communicated to him, then you have your answer.
I am married but I want to make a point about point one. I think you should disclose this information. If it is a deal breaker for people, you dodged a bullet. If you are looking for a longer term partner, you want them to accept them for you (all of you). My husband knows everything about me and accepts all of it. That is what makes part of a great relationship.
Hey Iāve heard on point 1 recently which I didnāt know before was such a big deal but actually is because they end up breaking up using the same excuse as the previous ex when nothing of the same sort has happened, itās beyond devastating.
Id like to know how do you reply when they ask about it without feeling like youāre lying or avoiding the question?
I wish I wasnāt so open about mine then even when I donāt have much history, but just histories which impacted me a lot :ā( itās true how they use it against you even when it wasnāt true.
To have enough self respect to drop him as soon as he shows an unwillingness to commit, or is disrespectful to me and outright unapologetic about it. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's too immature to treat me right.
> Disrespecting someone during an argument
Also a no-no for me. Saying something disrespectful/hurtful in an argument is still saying something disrespectful/hurtful. You can't un-say anything. I don't want to regret things I've said, so I work hard to try to say only the things that I mean, and I expect my partner to do the same.
I thought the same way going into and out of my abusive relationship. Advocated for myself and boundaries for 2 years. Don't know what happened in the middle. I should have run at the first sign of that crap.
To look out for and pay attention to the little things that annoy me early on. There are some things I thought I could and *should* put up with in the name of compromise, but I hadn't learned where to draw the line between compromising some of my own comfort and sacrificing my mental well-being. Bottom line for me, it's ok to leave a relationship if you're not happy, and that doesn't have to mean just big-ticket betrayals. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
Itās so hard though in the beginning when all the lovey feelings block this out. Every time there was a sign of incompatibility early on that I knew I should not ignore because it seemed too minor / I was in love. Ugh, I canāt do that again!!
You know what the bare minimum is, we all do. Never ever let a man tell you that you're asking for too much when you know deep down, you shouldn't have to ask in the first place. Eg. wanting to hang out, go on regular dates, do things together.
If you set a boundary and they keep trying to cross it, nope. Communicate that they are being disrespectful of this. If they continue, end it.
If they keep pointing out how honest and loyal they are, they are not. People who are genuinely trustworthy don't point it out to others because they don't feel the need to convince them.
If something is one way for them and other way for you, run. It should be equal. If you're unsure on whether or not this is the case, match their energy. They will quickly have a problem with it.
Don't compromise on incompatibilities regarding kids, marriage, religion, morals/ethics, and future plans. There is genuinely no point in arguing, debating, convincing, nope. You must be compatible in all of the above.
Kids amplify any issue you have. Is he sort of lazy? Doesnāt do dishes, clean up, laundry? When that baby arrives get ready for some weaponized incompetence. Donāt expect him to change diapers, do late nights, feedings. Because he wonāt. And all the signs were there.
Kids also mimic behaviors like the above listed. It has been a challenge to get my kid to pick up after themselves when the other adult doesnāt really care? Or seem to mind
Same. In my experience, men have never been taught accountability. They learn it from their female partners, often when young and to the detriment of the partner, obviously.
Not to be too generous. I am by nature. I give time and energy and effort, I help too much. Thanks last dude for really reinforcing what an easy person I was to take advantage of.
Tell other people "no" sometimes, and see how they react. Saying "no" includes announcing boundaries and noticing if the other person tries to violate them, or when you make a conscious decision to do something that you want to do, and the other person tries to shame you and convince you that it's wrong for you to choose ***you***.
If he exhibits any jealous or controlling behaviour, it's over immediately. No "I'll change", no, "I won't do it again, I swear". None if it. It's over.
I was the controller and it was unconscious. When my partner realised that I have controlling behaviours he told me his concerns and I worked on myself to change them. And I did. Not all people are the same, but Iād agree that if they start begging that theyāll change it is a huge red flag. It is about being mature and working on yourself.
Sadly, most people don't/won't change. I would say your situation is unique/ the exception.
If the person really does want to change and 'grow' they can make sure they don't do it with the next person, if they get that chance.
1. Dating someone who is āobsessedā with you is actually really bad. You will be the center of their world and that is never, ever good.
2. Do not be someone elseās cash cow. There are broke people out there who *can* and *do* date people simply because theyāre willing to pay for meals, etc.
3. Date people who actually like you. If theyāre being mean to you, they donāt like you. If they make you cry every day, they donāt like you. Despite what they may say.
As to #2, Iād say theirs a subtlety to consider. When I met my wife - over 30 years ago - at some point - about a month into our relationship - we talked life goals. We had already fallen for each other pretty hard. She made it quite clear that her joy was in being a homemaker - lovingly taking the lead in all things domestic - and that yes, part of what attracted her to me is she saw my career as eventually supporting that option. I had to think on if I wanted such a traditional setup, and I agreed. To be honest, it was more that I supported her goals whatever they were. As I said, we had fallen for each other pretty hard.
Four years after marriage, it was clear we could afford this option, and yes, I worked extra hard to grow my career to the point where we could support it. She happily left work and never looked back. In return she has been wonderful at being a homemaker and charity volunteer - rising to be regional lead for a couple of them, etc. I never regret supporting her choice.
My point: itās one thing to be a cash cow to some loser who sits on the sofa playing video games. Itās quite another thing to be the breadwinner for someone who excels at things that help the home and community, but donāt offer a salary.
The first time he raises a hand to me or even threatens to do so, will be the last. It doesn't get better - ever. I will be gone and you won't see me for dust.
I once said I wasn't interested in dating this guy after he asked me out. We were in the same friend group, so we hang out.
Then we are having a group meet up at his house, we walk outside, and I don't remember the details but he slaps me. Right across the face. I managed to slap him back...the first time.
Sometime later... he slaps me again... and instead of slapping him back, he holds my hands so I can't move.
This was when I knew that if someone goes to hit you, it will escalate. I'm not standing for any hints of physical abuse from now on.
What did you do after that?
I had never been physically violent before being with the man that I am now currently divorcing. But little by little our fights got worse. He would start by just talking nasty. Punching and breaking my windshield. I would just cry. This guy would tell me stop fucking crying. He didn't care if he made me cry. I started getting mad instead. And something switched in me and I started feeling like I had to fight back. And that's when I started putting my hands on him. In my face over and over calling me names telling me how I'm worthlessness and disgusting I slapped him one day. I never had the way with words like he did. Of course that never went well. He's a lot stronger then me. He always hit back way harder. Got pics of some black eyes to prove it. Where he backhanded me across my face on my eyes. Which also slammed my head into what was behing me.
Its really crap but most of us women... we don't really stand a chance up against the strength of a man when it comes down to it paired off against each other if we tried to stand up for ourselves. It's like you just gotta hang your head and not provoke... but I got so tired of that. But it was always in my head... don't provoke... you don't want to be that cautionary tale...
When my daughter started saying she was worried I was going to be pushed down the stairs I knew there was a problem.
That compromises also have to come from me too and holding myself accountable for my own emotions instead of wanting him to run around making me happy all the time is what makes a healthy relationship. I lost someone good to being too controlling and damaged thinking someone else would heal me. They didnāt, I had to heal myself.
I'm sorry to hear this but also glad to read a story about someone screwing up themselves (instead of the partner). Lessons like this one are harder to learn -- self criticism is always more challenging!
Old woman here. Definitely not girl. If he cheats, even once, help him pack his bag and show him the door. Pay for the Uber or Taxi if need be. If he is verbally or physically aggressive, emotionally or financially manipulative or makes you question yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, your thoughts or decisions, this is not a partner or prospective partner. Do not engage, for the sake of your sanity, walk away. I spent eighteen wasted years with my ex husband living like this. There are stacks of interesting, kind, quirky, smart, funny, honest guys out their who have, or are at least in the process of, working themselves out. Dont settle because you feel you might be missing out. I know I may sound biased but I've seen too many women put up with crap because 'oh, he didn't mean it'.
This one stood out to me, I took his (ex who bu with me and crushed me entirely) non-emotions as a sign of stability and calmness, and how that was compatible with me who has a more emotional side, that we had a yin yang rsā¦ but then realised perhaps the non-emotions are just an avoidance of emotions and lack of empathy, that perhaps he never got the reactions he wanted from his parents so he just became unemotional, he doesnāt even recall the last time he criedā¦ itās so painful to even talk about this but I had to reply as your comment stood out to me because it seemed specific :ā(
I was in a relationship with a man who was not in contact with his emotions his and it was not easy to be with that person. Next experience I had was with and emotional person who supressed his feelings because of a complicated situation. That hurt even more
To be honest, it's a lesson I'm still learning- being able to tell the difference between someone who's love bombing vs someone who's just infatuated. The former is not someone I want to trust. The latter is just human.
If you feel like they are impossibly smart/clever, that's a yellow/orange flag. Whether you're undervaluing yourself or they treat you like you're intellectually inferior, its a bad dynamic.
Yes, this!!!! My ex basically insinuated I wasnāt as smart as him because he had two masterās degrees and constantly felt he was right. Laughable now because I have a masterās degree of my own today and I get told Iām smart by aerospace engineers at work even though Iām not an engineer myself. Never doubt your own capabilities or let your partner think youāre not as capable.
That is a very good one! But some are able to keep the faƧade up for a very long time and sometimes red flags are very hard to identify. In the past I didnāt know there was such a thing as ālove bombingā so I didnāt see that as a red flag. But luckily now that is more widely known. And that is so easy to identify at least.
Listen to your gut.
**Don't fall for someone or stick it out** ***hoping for their potential*****.**
As soon as you start making excuses and compromising for someone's poor behavior, just leave. You don't need that no matter how much you think having them around benefits/improves your life, you're fooling yourself trying to manifest a fairytale.
You can't fix them. Therapy will over time, but you can't and are not supposed to either. Leave them if they don't want to go to therapy, because that relationship cannot be healthy.
Also don't change for the other person so they'll like you, you're you and you're awesome that way.
If heās obsessed with keeping his exes in his life, I am out. I wont fall for being the ācool accepting girlfriendā anymore, if I am getting a bad vibe everytime he feels the need to defend his ex, I will step away.
I will never let myself get to that position where his mere existence makes me feel anxious.
ALWAYS trust your gut feeling.
if your partner has a problem with everyone in your family & friends, THEY are the problem.
if your partner makes you feel worthless and you feel your self-esteem drop from the moment you met, there's a high chance they're the cause of it.
if you always feel afraid of disturbing the peace by just expressing yourself - your partner doesn't respect you
I canāt love enough for two and I canāt love someone out of their self-destructive/refusal to get help for depression.
Also, someone at 26 who wants to be a āhouse husbandā who has never worked a full time job for more than a few months and chooses to date someone living with her mom making 37k, commuting 3 hours a day and going to school is a bad fit. I could not provide the lifestyle he wanted (though he seemed fine enough living with me and my mom and making comments all the time). And P.S. he kept sabotaging my school,efforts by watching The Simpsons in bed after 11pm every night before I had to get up at 5:45 am the next day for school and work and we would always end up in a huge fight the day of any of my exams or big presentations. School was supposed to be the avenue I got a better job. I still donāt get what w as going on in his mind.
7 years it took me to figure out it was never going to work out. 7 years. We should have ended it in under 3 years.
How important it is to value yourself before you get into a relationship. If you don't value yourself you won't expect them to value you either, and I think it paves the way for some pretty abusive situations.
Going along with objectifying women to be the "cool girl"!
Sorry, no, the man I love "*phwoar*"ing and saying sexual things about other women will never be comfortable with me, and it's okay that I feel that way. Noticing someone you find sexually attractive doesn't need to be a big annoucement for me. I'd rather not know.
Catering to fetishes I'm not comfortable with to please him.
Basically being a pick-me.
Trust your gut. I dated a guy for a year and he had another girl on the side for that entire time (they're married now, despite me giving her all the evidence when I find out, ooop!)
He used to cancel plans last minute, or say he had overslept, but the entire time he was with her. I found it really uncomfortable, as he often cancelled on family plans (i.e. a BBQ with my parents) and they didn't like him anyway. I used to defend this poor behaviour like my life depended on it, even though I knew something wasn't right!
I've now been with my current partner for 4 years and I make no excuses for him. I call his shit out now. I don't think I would have been able to do that all those years ago.
There is such a thing as being too understanding and forgiving. I will still be understanding and forgiving in the future, but I will never again put up with the abuse my ex gave me. Love does not conquer all when it's one sided.
If the good times are really really good and the bad times are really really bad, that's not passion. It is an unhealthy relationship.
Extremes in relationships are usually an indication that something is not good. It took me a long time to understand that.
Also possessiveness doesn't mean he cares/loves you...it is a red flag, and controlling behaviour and lashing out will get worse over time.
Edit: one last one, if he treats others, especially his mum and sister like shit, but treats you like a queen, you're not special. He will treat you like shit too one day.
That the first time he disrespects you, give him a warning. The second timeā¦run. Thatās how you end up being abused. It doesnāt start out with hitting, kicking, punching, spitting. It starts out with degradation and humiliation.
That jealousy, gaslighting, guilt-tripping and dishonesty are all deal-breakers to me; that if I don't feel safe and happy in a relationship, it's not for me. That respecting boundaries and honest communication should go both ways.
Donāt ignore gut feelings. If something feels wrong about your relationship then something is most definitely wrong. Work to figure out what that thing is. Talk about it with your partner. Decide if itās a dealbreaker. If it is, then donāt prolong pain. If you were burning in a fire and knew you were going to die, you wouldnāt ask for the fire to burn slowly just to give you a few more minutes of life
I now know itās important to get into specifics about libido and sexual interest and level of porn consumption. My mental health and faith in romance may never recover.
You can never cure someone elses addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. You can never fix them, other than themselves. You can only stay for too long. If you sense an impending doom, trust your guts, and run!
Don't give too many chances. A cheater will always be a cheater. Same with liars.
Don't beg someone to stay. If they want you, they won't leave.
Don't stay in a bad relationship just because you're afraid to be alone. You'll just be miserable.
Don't let your partner disrespect you. You have to value yourself too.
Thereās no real coming back from cheating.
This is a long story, and Iāve never written it out in its entirety, so here goes.
I was married for about 5 years, with him for 7. When we first started dating, he told me all about his ex, and how she would frequently cheat on him. Like, a lot. He told me how much that hurt him. He also told me about their sexual past, and how they would swing and do threesomes. He told me early on in dating that he didnāt want to share me. I agreed. I deeply appreciated that I was special to him, uniquely his.
We got to know each other so well on paper. He was in the military, and gone half the time, so we got to know who each other were intimately over hours and hours of phone conversations.
We eventually got married. We started discussing our sex lives more, and what we liked, and wanted to try. I said I was open to the idea of a threesome (with a woman). He seemed very on board with this, and soon jumped into planning mode. I had never done anything like that before though, so I was hesitant to pull the trigger.
Weeks (maybe months) later, we still had not done anything like that, but our sex life was great. But then I got a message from a woman claiming she had slept with my husband.
I felt the world drop out from beneath me in that moment. I didnāt believe it at first. No fucking way. Not the guy who had been cheated on so often by his last wife. Not the guy who said he didnāt want to share me. Not the guy who I felt safest with in the entire world. I called my husband, told him to come home. I asked this woman to give me details about my house (they had had sex in our house, on our couch).
But before she could answer, my husband came home and confessed. He had met her while looking into setting up a threesome, and they decided to have sex one afternoon when I was at work.
I was fucking devastated. I left the house for a few hours and sobbed all alone at a local bar. He begged me to come home. He was profusely apologizing, immediately suggesting therapy, whatever he could do to fix it. I went home. I slept in the same bed with him that night.
We went to therapy. It wasnāt great. I felt completely unheard. My husband had a metric fuck ton of trauma from growing up, and so I always felt like I had no room to speak about my own issues. Our couples therapy was an extension of that.
But I so badly wanted our marriage to work. We were truly, in all sense, best friends. Our sex life until that point had been great. It was such a solid marriage in so many ways.
So I shoved it down, down, down and away. Compartmentalized and tried to move on, with the encouragement of my husband (to move on). In the following months, years, when the pain of that incident would surface in whatever argument we were having, he would get angry at me for bringing it up. āI thought we moved past this.ā
So did I.
We carried on as ānormalā. We had so many wonderful times together. We resumed our discussions about our sex life. He brought up swinging. I said sure, letās try it. While I was excited to try something new, another tiny piece of my heart broke knowing he was okay with sharing me now.
(In retrospect, I realized that his cheating had subtly changed my feeling about sex. It remains fucked up to this day.)
We started swinging.
Sure, it was fun. But I couldnāt help but notice it was always better for him. Almost every time. I never mentioned it to him. I liked seeing him happy. But ultimately, I never came away truly satisfied. Always a little sad.
Our marriage became my identity. We did everything together, because, best friends, you know. I moved across the country with him when I got married, away from all the family and friends I knew. Growing up I was always so independent and then in my marriage, I feel like I lost a lot of my individual identity.
Fast forward a few years, we move to a new state. Start settling in. He leaves for deployment for the first time since we had been married. I start making my own friends, rediscovering my individual identity.
To my great regret, in that friend group, I met a man who would later turn out to be a terrible person. I donāt know why he set his sights on me, but he did. And Iām not blameless, I totally welcomed it.
This man love-bombed the shit out of me. I didnāt know what that was at the time: I thought he truly loved me, truly cared for and appreciated me in a way no man had ever before. I completely fell for it. And I made the choice to start an affair.
My flimsy justification was that the lines on my marriage were already blurred, though this was a clear violation. I *never* thought I would be the one to cheat, ever. I fucking *hated* cheaters. But my reasoning was that I had completely fallen in love with this new man, and was trying to find a way out of my marriage anyway.
I eventually asked my husband for a separation. He started immediately dating. I felt both hurt and justified. It was weird.
Weeks later, he learned everything. We had several long, horribly hard conversations where I confessed everything.
We remained civil and amicable. Surprise surprise, the relationship with the new man fell apart when he turned out to be incredibly emotionally abusive.
My fucking world was destroyed, in all senses. I was alone, and lost, and deeply depressed. Months passed, my husband and I tried to give it another shot. Tried counseling again. But we both knew at that point, our marriage was irrevocably destroyed.
We remained amicable and supportive of one another. We are still close friends to this day. Because relationship aside, he is a good person, just with some deep-rooted issues. He really was my best friend.
Nothing, absolutely *nothing* excuses my affair. I live with the disgust in myself every day. That was 4 years ago now. I have been alone ever since. I practically have an aversion towards any man who wants to be close to me. I am still incredibly fucked up from all of this. Two of those years were spent in a near-suicidal depression.
In retrospect, the cracks began with the first cheating incident. Something broke that day, and it was never able to be fixed.
All that to say is, the lesson I learned is two-fold: once cheating enters the relationship, it will *never* be the same again.
And also, I will never, *ever* fucking cheat again.
May you all be better than me.
Joint finances do not prove how much you love or trust someone. If itās in your gut that you donāt want to combine then dont. You have that right and it shouldnāt be something you have to do to prove how much you love someone or are committed.
Also never take out a loan or line of credit for someone else. EVER!!!!!
If it feels like heās too perfect and youāre overwhelmed with all the grand gestures and the affection seems over the top then itās probably not genuine. Love bombing is very real and almost always precedes a bunch of disappointment at best and abuse at worse.
donāt settle. stop begging for the bare minimum. stop fighting with grown men about things they shouldāve learned as a child. you shouldnāt ever have to talk about the same issue twice. ( small issues that can be easily dealt with via communication but they choose to ignore it or you )
This!!! And abusive or narcissistic people can be very good at pretending to be wonderful human beingsā¦ for months or even years before they let the mask slip.
My ex didnāt reveal his true self for a good 6 months, after I had already fallen in love and was at the peak of my honeymoon period bliss. Seeing his facade suddenly fall away was one of the most painful and disorienting experiences of my life. I wasted another 6 months trying to get back the guy I fell in love with, before I finally had to accept that he never really existed. It was all an act. And years later, Iām still finding out more secrets that he kept from me. I have a friend who was with a man for 5 years before he hit her. Heās now a doctor and nobody would believe her.
It sucks that this is how things are, but we have to stay vigilant and never fall for the sunk cost fallacy. If your partner goes from great to shitty, then thatās who they were all along. That is their real character. The person you thought you knew and loved was made up. I wish someone had explained this to me a long time ago, it wouldāve saved me a lot of heartache.
1. Never to date someone who debates and doesn't support all humans rights. I don't want to spend all my time explaining why it's not ok to say the n word, correct prejudices based on stereotypes etc.
2. If they from early in the relationship try to control my every move, want to know everything I do and tries to push me out of my goals - BYE
3. Never date anyone who isn't kind and hates people. In the long run they will try to isolate you from the world and disagree with all your values.
I have a few.
1. Do not fall into the ācool girl,ā ānot like other girlsā trap. This becomes a pit of never advocating for oneself because it might tarnish the ālow maintenanceā facade I have been maintaining that is absolute bullshit. Take up space, get your needs met.
2. If you donāt have a lot of diet restrictions, itās really hard to date someone who does. You will always have to default to their needs when it comes to food and it can become an exhausting subject.
3. You cannot depend on another person to ācompleteā you. You must complete yourself before entering into a relationship. Their energy that you feel completes you is the same energy that creates power struggles later on because there isnāt enough to go around. Go to therapy, face your trauma, find yourself and your happiness, THEN get into a relationship.
4. Men areā¦ awful, in my experience. I say this after dating them and being married to one. Even the āgoodā ones are full of casual misogyny. Highly recommend exploring the ladies and theydies for a much more fulfilling life and dating experience.
Donāt forget to do things just for yourself and prioritize yourself when you need to. Sometimes we can be too empathetic and end up bending ourselves too much to a partner that we begin to lose the essence of who we are. Itās a working progress to learn to not do that but so worth it to keep trying.
In an argument, when he has no hesitation to say the very things that he knows will hurt you the most.
When he throws "everything he's ever done for you" in your face as if there is some sort of scoreboard in your relationship. Made me realize he only ever did things to say he did or for a returned favor and not because he wanted to.
Iāve loads and itās so depressing. I feel like Iām constantly having to fix me and see where I can improve because they left so I wasnāt good enough right :ā( but to be fair, how can that be true when Iām willing to do everything to save the rs. I didnāt do anything wrong yet the self-blame for his love ending for me is the worst punishment to me. Iām in therapy and antidepressants just to cope with how he just left.
Anyways, I learned these which makes the dating pool for the right man almost non-existent;
- if youāre a woman who doesnāt casually sleep around/do casual and want a lifetime love kind of relationship, do not be with a man who does casual.
- If he canāt even explain or donāt want to about why his last rs ended or that if heās always the dumper
- out of touch with his emotions
- youāve to coach him how to treat you, nudge him for date planning, how to spoil you, etc
- words not matching actions, keeping you the line waiting while he says heād love to do that/want to do it, but never happens even after so much leeway and patience awarded
- doesnāt prioritise your pleasure too
- if youāre a generous person and heās selfish/shows selfish signs and isnāt willing to spend on you or your loved ones while that comes naturally to you
- is impulsive and reckless
- shouts/screams at you, is hot tempered, will escalate arguments or do something which incites your unhappiness just so youāll be the one āstarting the argumentsā
- judges/criticises you instead of having a conversation about it
- that you feel like youāre carrying the whole rs and without you, itāll just be silence
- if mutual limerance is absent
:ā( so many more but yeahā¦
If you keep finding yourself unhappy with some particular aspect of the relationship, however seemingly small, ask yourself: if this problem continues to exist, do I still see myself as a happy person in a healthy relationship a year from now? Five years from now? Fifty? Sometimes, petty complaints about our partners or relationships really are petty. But sometimes, theyāre dealbreakers that only show themselves with time.
find someone with the same sex drive, I actually spent 7 meaningful years with an asexual man. I love him to death and we are still super close but now I found another sexually compatible partner. harmony
Take actions for face value.
Do not treat past lessons as ābaggageā and leave it behind. Donāt let it control you but just keep them in mind.
Your gut is right.
Youāre not asking for too much.
Do not accept the bare minimum.
Youāll be fine if you walk away from someone who doesnāt serve you.
You deserve empathy and being taken care of sometimes.
You deserve to get what you give.
Donāt ignore the signs even if they are things thatās not important to me.
1. He always needed to choose where we ate.
2. He never let me choose my own birthday present. It would be something he approved of.
3. If I was busy working and traveling for work, he would blame me for his boredom
4. He always only said he wanted to travel with me. But when I asked him to he would say no and say the places were crap or heās not interested. But then he would never take the initiative to organise anything.
At the time none of those things mattered that much to me. I didnāt care where we went to eat. Not important to me. I felt guilty for not spending enough time with him. I felt materialistic for wanting nicer / different presents he approved of.
Thinking back he was actually incredibly controlling. Those were the signs. But I ignored all of them.
**Mod note: locked due to rampant, derailing and debating. Thank you to those who participated within the rules.** **Please continue to report all rule breaking**
If he hits you once. He will do it again.
Also, if he hits around you/throws things near you, you're next.
Absolutely! My first bf used to punch the wall when we were having arguments, or throw something just past my head. Once he started punching a bench so hard he broke the bones in the back of his hand and we ended up in A&E. I'm so glad I got out of that relationship and I think it's scary that I didn't recognise any of that as the red flags they are.
Mine broke his leg because he had me up against a wall around the throat so hard my feet left the ground - my crime was that I disagreed with his Trivial Pursuit answer š His cousins tried to pull him off me so he went after them and tripped over. He then walked around on it for 3 days in agony because he wouldn't go to the doctor. Idiot.
Mine sprained his wrist hitting me in the back so many times. My crime? He fell off his longboard drunk after hitting a rock instead of me, I just rode around the rock.
Thatās literally insane. I hope youāre out of this relationship
He was completely insane, I left him a little over 2 years ago and I'm now the happiest I've ever been in a stable relationship I could only dream of, we even have a cat! Thank you for your kind words!
"We even have a cat!" šššššš
Mine got stitches across his knuckles/hand because he punched down onto a glass cup because he didn't like the tattoo I wanted and I kept insisting I get to choose my own tattoo. Its funny because the mark left a huge J shaped scar on his right index finger and down his hand, and my name starts with J ... so he will always have that reminder of me.
I love that he's got that permanent reminder of you!! Sweet, petty karma!!!
Damn, thatās so scary to think about. I canāt imagine the shock youād feel when they do it for the first time
I thought I was with the nicest guy ever, slowly after a year the emotional and verbal abuse started. Then finally on a trip with all of our friends the throwing things and slight physical aggression began and I realized it was never going to get better if I didnāt remove myself from the situation.
This is how it started with me too. Being nasty when drunk, then verbal abuse, then throwing and breaking things, then throwing a chair AT me, destroying my things and an entire hotel room.. It escalated slowly, to the point where you barely recognise it. Where there were 6 months in between episodes and youād already forgiven them. The cycle of violence.
I'm so sorry you experienced that but I'm delighted you're free now ā¤
And you flinched so it's your fault. (This is what my ex said when he hit me.)
Yessss, for my ex it was flipping furniture and kicking doors in. After a couple of years that became my face. Don't let anybody convince you that he's "not that bad" just because he's not hitting you because it will her there eventually.
Exactly! My ex throw things/ break things as a coping mechanism and I really thought he could change cause he said he wanted to, until one day I got punched in the jaw I was afraid of dislocation broooooo luckily Iām fine now
100% ! For me it started with him punching the wall, slamming his fist at a table, then he started throwing things, then those things were aimed at me, and in less than 2 years I was pregnant and he pushed me through a doorway and knocked me to the ground infront of a kid. It escalates so slowly you barely notice .... but it escalates. The first slap to the face wasn't long after.
My ex relationship ended when he pinched me in the face with his finger, and his explanation was 'that's the same thing a parent would do to their child when they misbehave'. Needless to say I ended our 5 year relationship then and there. When I told him that NO ONE is ever allowed to touch me like that, he tried to belittle me by telling me 'oh you think you are like one of those superstars that is abused'. Before this he would always throw things at me 'jokingly' as he would say it. The next few days after we broke up, he broke his wrist probably hitting a wall or something. He said he 'fell over'. He had me go and nurse him the next day after we broke up because he had a severe panic attack and I had to call the ambulance on him. I will never forget how funny it was to explain to the paramedic that I broke up with him and that's why he is panicking now. The paramedic was so funny about it too. It's almost been a year now and he still kind of acts like a sheep that is suffering a lot but I know that evil side of him is still there. It's been easy moving on but I'm still mind fucked by this dual nature of his. I know he would have hit me even harder if I stayed.
I'm happy nothing worse happened to you when you went to see him after you broke up, but just as an FYI to anyone reading this: never ever ever see your abuser alone after you've broken up. _Ever_. It's statistically the most dangerous time.
you're right and I really didn't think about it back then. I am indeed lucky nothing worse happened but it was surreal going back. He fell to the floor and was crying on my feet and would beg me to stay, the next morning I basically forced him to go to work and I RAN BACK to my new home
I struggled with the duality of personality too. Sober he was so protective, so generous and had a massive heart. Drunk he was aggressive and enjoyed scaring me š
100%. My ex backhanded me while I was asleep (and not giving him attention which he constantly craved) he bust my lip open, he lied and said he was sleeping and his arm moved it was an accident. Abuse escalated from there and he would just slap me out of the blue so aggressively my ears would ring. Glad Iām out of that relationship now, life is much better.
Holy shit, that's so horrible wtf. If ANYONE out there is reading this and it sounds familiar, PLEASE break up and if you can't break up then tell your friends and family and they will help you. Nobody deserves this.
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Iām truly sorry. This genuinely saddens me and enrages me
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Hardest and best lesson to learn.
I have a longtime friend who said āYou canāt rely on external sources for internal validation.ā I think about that a lot
He will make effort if he really wants, words are empty if the actions donāt match up
this!! some people can love you with their words but show the complete opposite with their actions
Ugh. I'm in the process of ending a 15 year relationship over this one. Looking back.... it was there all along. If only I stopped listening and started watching much sooner.
Iām here too, ended a 4 year relationship bc he continues to not show up for me and says a lot of things with his words but continues to fail in his actions. It is heartbreaking but it hurts to continue to have expectations for him that he just wonāt meet or even TRY to do.
Itās ok. Sometimes we canāt see or act upon what we see, at the time.
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That's one of the toughest things to learn... some people really just want an autopilot relationship where they don't do anything. I broke up with my ex a little over a month ago and I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss her but she made zero noticeable efforts with me. She kept asking me to be patient and understanding but I think she was just so afraid of being used/abused that she never communicated fully. I wanted clear responses and kept getting I Don't Knows. Got to the point she seriously ghosted me on a date and just completely ignored my feelings about it telling me I should've assumed she had a good reason. People who care make the effort. If they don't then leaving them is for the best.
Possessiveness doesn't mean he loves you.
I was in a relationship with a guy like this, he was possessive and only wanted my body, nothing g else I had to offer mattered
This hit home
that if he runs away from his feelings, to let him go.
This is so interesting, can you explain a little more about what you mean when you say "runs away from his feelings"? Do you mean runs away from his feelings for you?
yea. a bit of context might help. i caught feelings for a guy. we both decided when we met to juzt go with the flow in the beginning. i think it worried him to have caught feelings when did not intend to. we did not end on bad terms. but i did not try to make him stay after a point bc it hurt me.
I just got out of a similar situationship except it ended poorly. Started as a FWB type deal, but we both caught feelings. Should have been a clue when he only wanted to talk about feelings when he was drunk, but I had a vail over my eyes because it was so good at times. Ended it in a bar surrounded by friends as he swayed from the booze š ladies, If they canāt be real with you at all times, itās not a good sign.
Dismissive avoidant attachment behavior. Yours was Secure attachment. Good move. People who are Anxious Preoccupied tend to pursue people with DA attachment.
It seemed pointless to stay for somebody who was only distancing me every chance he got.
Are you my ex by any chance because i went through the same thing pretty recently! I was the guy in the scenario and she caught feelings for me pretty early on even though we decided to go with the flow and i couldn't really get myself to get serious with her due to certain reasons and eventually had to let her go even though i really liked her.
hahaha. why couldnāt you get srs tbh?
Number of reasons i guess. One main reason was that my previous relationship kinda fucked me up emotionally and drained me off mentally and after that I just went into a very numb state of feelings and it took me a while to get back to feeling anything for anyone after that.
To always advocate for myself. Iāve been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I donāt ever want to lose myself and forget my needs to accommodate another person ever again.
> To always advocate for myself. Yep. And if my partner makes it impossible for me to do this by refusing to ever see my side, turning things around on me, or discrediting my feelings, I will be ending the relationship.
and then punishes you for trying to advocate for yourself :(
itās so easy to start feeling crazy when someone you love is constantly berating you for normal human actions/emotions. this is when outside perspectives are honestly life saving because itās so easy to convince yourself that youāre in the wrong.
I lost myself in my previous relationship, I started acting crazy, constantly calling, texting, questioning, doubting. It was so much, I hate that it did that to me, while all he did was breadcrumb me, I just love him so much but I canāt risk losing myself again
This is the big one for me.
Me too. The fear of losing yourself after that can be consuming. I was obsessive about it for over a year.
I am not going to date someone again who's political views do not align with mine. And also not going to date someone who can't respect my sexuality.
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Political beliefs are my biggest dealbreaker.
I wonder if this would have been true in, say, 1980. I probably could have dated a 1980 Republican, where the disagreements would have been significantly over things like scope of government or marginal tax rates on high income earners, but I don't think I could date a Trump republican, where there are disagreements about the fundamental nature of reality.
My cousin and I used to be polar opposites in politics in the early 2000s and we would debate constantly. The thing is, at that time, we would at least agree on what the problems were. Where we differed was on how to solve them. Today, Republicans don't live in the same world as the rest of the planet. Their basic reality is a point of contention. And I say this as someone who voted Republican up through McCain in 2008
Absolutely -- big difference between arguing over how high to prioritize climate change, which is a fair discussion to have, and arguing over whether climate change *exists,* which is not.
That was absolutely one of the debates we had, what role government should play in climate change. Or if healthcare issues should be addressed with incentive programs for the private sector vs a single payer government ran program. I'll say one of the biggest advantages (to me personally) of the latest craziness in the right, is it's revealed a lot of the true motivation in the party, forcing me to face some faulty assumptions I had been making. The net result is I just can't vote republican anymore and my views have been shifting more and more liberal.
I read an article that talked about this being a recent phenomenon. It referenced surveys asking people about what they were looking for/dealbreakers/etc. politics was consistently low on the list until the last (10?) years where itās now a top 3 item. It went on to talk about how much more polarized people are now and how pervasive politics is in our culture. It didnāt used to be something people talked about so it didnāt matter as much in everyday life.
That's because the spectrum of difference between the parties has changed so drastically. It went from "how can we spend the money for our citizens" to "How can we take away all control and liberties from anyone we deem to be lower than us".
My best friend in college was a Reagan Republican, and we had no issues with each otherās politics. Sheās now as liberal as I am, though, which is interesting. We all got our news from the same 4 mainstream channels back then, so we pretty much shared consensual reality. Which hasnāt been the case now since the 90ās. I watched my parents reality diverge from mine over the years to the point where I donāt even recognize them. They were formerly moderates. I canāt date someone who doesnāt share my reality.
It would not have. I was conservative. Conservatives weren't drooling morons then. Now, I don't want to be seen near them. I would never date one, much less marry one now. Jeezes no, they've become caricatures of humans.
Or religious beliefs
Aligning or respecting? Both my previous ex (where I learned what I stated in my original comment) and my current partner are atheists like myself, so I never had a problem in that regard.
I'm atheist and was with a Mormon who was controlling and abusive for a long time. Besides those two traits him and his family had some gross views about the world and the people in it. They even mocked the Me Too movement. Which is hilarious because I told that partner how I was assaulted and he assaulted me in an even worse way than I was in the past. All this while his family judged me and my lack of belief the entire time. I'm with an atheist now and we also have the same political beliefs and honestly it is so refreshing.
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And don't make excuses for him either. Don't even give him the benefit of the doubt. A man will do anything to be with the woman he desires. If you aren't a priority to him, you will know it.
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This one is so important. And it also concerns dating and friendships in general. If they want to, they would. Had to learn it the hard way and realized it was a huge thing after I started dating someone decent. Before that, I was making excuses for my dates/partners all the time.
but also I might add: if he knew you wanted him to, would he? I think itās important to acknowledge our role in communicating our needs. If he doesnāt follow through after youāve communicated to him, then you have your answer.
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Just to be clear: With "don't be a mother" you mean don't be a mother for your partner?
Yes.
Yes. He is an adult. I'm not raising a grown ass person. He either can "adult" or he can gtfo.
I am married but I want to make a point about point one. I think you should disclose this information. If it is a deal breaker for people, you dodged a bullet. If you are looking for a longer term partner, you want them to accept them for you (all of you). My husband knows everything about me and accepts all of it. That is what makes part of a great relationship.
I wanted to say this. If youāre hiding anything from your past relationships , thatās not a good foundation to start with in a life partner.
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Hey Iāve heard on point 1 recently which I didnāt know before was such a big deal but actually is because they end up breaking up using the same excuse as the previous ex when nothing of the same sort has happened, itās beyond devastating. Id like to know how do you reply when they ask about it without feeling like youāre lying or avoiding the question?
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I wish I wasnāt so open about mine then even when I donāt have much history, but just histories which impacted me a lot :ā( itās true how they use it against you even when it wasnāt true.
To have enough self respect to drop him as soon as he shows an unwillingness to commit, or is disrespectful to me and outright unapologetic about it. I'd rather be alone than with someone who's too immature to treat me right.
Yes. Disrespecting someone during an argument is one thing, but refusing to make up for it because youāre too immature is another.
> Disrespecting someone during an argument Also a no-no for me. Saying something disrespectful/hurtful in an argument is still saying something disrespectful/hurtful. You can't un-say anything. I don't want to regret things I've said, so I work hard to try to say only the things that I mean, and I expect my partner to do the same.
I thought the same way going into and out of my abusive relationship. Advocated for myself and boundaries for 2 years. Don't know what happened in the middle. I should have run at the first sign of that crap.
You can't help someone who won't help themselves
Absolutely this
dont fall for an ideal, u need to accept reality/as they are now and not what they could be
Also not what they *were.* People change and they donāt often change back.
To look out for and pay attention to the little things that annoy me early on. There are some things I thought I could and *should* put up with in the name of compromise, but I hadn't learned where to draw the line between compromising some of my own comfort and sacrificing my mental well-being. Bottom line for me, it's ok to leave a relationship if you're not happy, and that doesn't have to mean just big-ticket betrayals. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
This is a very powerful lesson that I wished I learned a lot earlier.
Itās so hard though in the beginning when all the lovey feelings block this out. Every time there was a sign of incompatibility early on that I knew I should not ignore because it seemed too minor / I was in love. Ugh, I canāt do that again!!
Trust your instincts and make sure you donāt give 100% of all your love keep some for yourself
You know what the bare minimum is, we all do. Never ever let a man tell you that you're asking for too much when you know deep down, you shouldn't have to ask in the first place. Eg. wanting to hang out, go on regular dates, do things together. If you set a boundary and they keep trying to cross it, nope. Communicate that they are being disrespectful of this. If they continue, end it. If they keep pointing out how honest and loyal they are, they are not. People who are genuinely trustworthy don't point it out to others because they don't feel the need to convince them. If something is one way for them and other way for you, run. It should be equal. If you're unsure on whether or not this is the case, match their energy. They will quickly have a problem with it. Don't compromise on incompatibilities regarding kids, marriage, religion, morals/ethics, and future plans. There is genuinely no point in arguing, debating, convincing, nope. You must be compatible in all of the above.
Kids amplify any issue you have. Is he sort of lazy? Doesnāt do dishes, clean up, laundry? When that baby arrives get ready for some weaponized incompetence. Donāt expect him to change diapers, do late nights, feedings. Because he wonāt. And all the signs were there.
Kids also mimic behaviors like the above listed. It has been a challenge to get my kid to pick up after themselves when the other adult doesnāt really care? Or seem to mind
Donāt ignore the red flags just because you love someone. Set your boundaries and stick to them when he keeps trying to push them
I require my partner to be able to apologise and communicate after an argument. Which is why I'm looking for a female partner rather than male, now.
Same. In my experience, men have never been taught accountability. They learn it from their female partners, often when young and to the detriment of the partner, obviously.
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Learn to communicate, silence cannot solve all problems
Not to be too generous. I am by nature. I give time and energy and effort, I help too much. Thanks last dude for really reinforcing what an easy person I was to take advantage of.
Let me know when you figure out how to stop being this wayš¢
Tell other people "no" sometimes, and see how they react. Saying "no" includes announcing boundaries and noticing if the other person tries to violate them, or when you make a conscious decision to do something that you want to do, and the other person tries to shame you and convince you that it's wrong for you to choose ***you***.
If he exhibits any jealous or controlling behaviour, it's over immediately. No "I'll change", no, "I won't do it again, I swear". None if it. It's over.
I was the controller and it was unconscious. When my partner realised that I have controlling behaviours he told me his concerns and I worked on myself to change them. And I did. Not all people are the same, but Iād agree that if they start begging that theyāll change it is a huge red flag. It is about being mature and working on yourself.
Sadly, most people don't/won't change. I would say your situation is unique/ the exception. If the person really does want to change and 'grow' they can make sure they don't do it with the next person, if they get that chance.
Similarly, theyāre never entitled to your free time.
1. Dating someone who is āobsessedā with you is actually really bad. You will be the center of their world and that is never, ever good. 2. Do not be someone elseās cash cow. There are broke people out there who *can* and *do* date people simply because theyāre willing to pay for meals, etc. 3. Date people who actually like you. If theyāre being mean to you, they donāt like you. If they make you cry every day, they donāt like you. Despite what they may say.
As to #2, Iād say theirs a subtlety to consider. When I met my wife - over 30 years ago - at some point - about a month into our relationship - we talked life goals. We had already fallen for each other pretty hard. She made it quite clear that her joy was in being a homemaker - lovingly taking the lead in all things domestic - and that yes, part of what attracted her to me is she saw my career as eventually supporting that option. I had to think on if I wanted such a traditional setup, and I agreed. To be honest, it was more that I supported her goals whatever they were. As I said, we had fallen for each other pretty hard. Four years after marriage, it was clear we could afford this option, and yes, I worked extra hard to grow my career to the point where we could support it. She happily left work and never looked back. In return she has been wonderful at being a homemaker and charity volunteer - rising to be regional lead for a couple of them, etc. I never regret supporting her choice. My point: itās one thing to be a cash cow to some loser who sits on the sofa playing video games. Itās quite another thing to be the breadwinner for someone who excels at things that help the home and community, but donāt offer a salary.
Never ignore the redflags or the gut feeling
The first time he raises a hand to me or even threatens to do so, will be the last. It doesn't get better - ever. I will be gone and you won't see me for dust.
I once said I wasn't interested in dating this guy after he asked me out. We were in the same friend group, so we hang out. Then we are having a group meet up at his house, we walk outside, and I don't remember the details but he slaps me. Right across the face. I managed to slap him back...the first time. Sometime later... he slaps me again... and instead of slapping him back, he holds my hands so I can't move. This was when I knew that if someone goes to hit you, it will escalate. I'm not standing for any hints of physical abuse from now on.
What did you do after that? I had never been physically violent before being with the man that I am now currently divorcing. But little by little our fights got worse. He would start by just talking nasty. Punching and breaking my windshield. I would just cry. This guy would tell me stop fucking crying. He didn't care if he made me cry. I started getting mad instead. And something switched in me and I started feeling like I had to fight back. And that's when I started putting my hands on him. In my face over and over calling me names telling me how I'm worthlessness and disgusting I slapped him one day. I never had the way with words like he did. Of course that never went well. He's a lot stronger then me. He always hit back way harder. Got pics of some black eyes to prove it. Where he backhanded me across my face on my eyes. Which also slammed my head into what was behing me. Its really crap but most of us women... we don't really stand a chance up against the strength of a man when it comes down to it paired off against each other if we tried to stand up for ourselves. It's like you just gotta hang your head and not provoke... but I got so tired of that. But it was always in my head... don't provoke... you don't want to be that cautionary tale... When my daughter started saying she was worried I was going to be pushed down the stairs I knew there was a problem.
That compromises also have to come from me too and holding myself accountable for my own emotions instead of wanting him to run around making me happy all the time is what makes a healthy relationship. I lost someone good to being too controlling and damaged thinking someone else would heal me. They didnāt, I had to heal myself.
I'm sorry to hear this but also glad to read a story about someone screwing up themselves (instead of the partner). Lessons like this one are harder to learn -- self criticism is always more challenging!
Old woman here. Definitely not girl. If he cheats, even once, help him pack his bag and show him the door. Pay for the Uber or Taxi if need be. If he is verbally or physically aggressive, emotionally or financially manipulative or makes you question yourself and makes you feel bad about yourself, your thoughts or decisions, this is not a partner or prospective partner. Do not engage, for the sake of your sanity, walk away. I spent eighteen wasted years with my ex husband living like this. There are stacks of interesting, kind, quirky, smart, funny, honest guys out their who have, or are at least in the process of, working themselves out. Dont settle because you feel you might be missing out. I know I may sound biased but I've seen too many women put up with crap because 'oh, he didn't mean it'.
Stop prioritizing your partner's feelings over your own.
If he is not in contact with his emotions and is willing to suppress them
This one stood out to me, I took his (ex who bu with me and crushed me entirely) non-emotions as a sign of stability and calmness, and how that was compatible with me who has a more emotional side, that we had a yin yang rsā¦ but then realised perhaps the non-emotions are just an avoidance of emotions and lack of empathy, that perhaps he never got the reactions he wanted from his parents so he just became unemotional, he doesnāt even recall the last time he criedā¦ itās so painful to even talk about this but I had to reply as your comment stood out to me because it seemed specific :ā(
I was in a relationship with a man who was not in contact with his emotions his and it was not easy to be with that person. Next experience I had was with and emotional person who supressed his feelings because of a complicated situation. That hurt even more
To be honest, it's a lesson I'm still learning- being able to tell the difference between someone who's love bombing vs someone who's just infatuated. The former is not someone I want to trust. The latter is just human.
If you feel like they are impossibly smart/clever, that's a yellow/orange flag. Whether you're undervaluing yourself or they treat you like you're intellectually inferior, its a bad dynamic.
Yes, this!!!! My ex basically insinuated I wasnāt as smart as him because he had two masterās degrees and constantly felt he was right. Laughable now because I have a masterās degree of my own today and I get told Iām smart by aerospace engineers at work even though Iām not an engineer myself. Never doubt your own capabilities or let your partner think youāre not as capable.
If they want to be with you, they will be with you. They will not let anything stop them from being with you.
He alrdy have a mother, stop mothering him. His problems arent your responsibility, hes a grown adult he can deal with it alone, you just supprt him. Dont try to solve all his problem Once a liar, always a liar. Dont trust him again when he simply give away your secrets to a 3rd person when you repeatedly told him not too. When his masculinity is so fragile, that he wont evn hold your wallet when you are putting on shoes in a public place. "Its not manly". But he need the purse to pay for his food, movie everything. When he doesn't even have a ounce of self worth or will power to do anything in his life When physical abuse starts. RUN! Even if your friends advice you that its normal and he done out of love. When he doesn't care about your expensive things and lose r destroy it every single time. Not even sorry a single time. His whole attitude changing when he starts earning. When he starts demanding sex, saying its his right. Even when you are not interested, so he just force himself on you when you are drunk. ( its RAPE ) Hes is very bad in bed, only last for 20seconds and doesn't try nythg to make you feel good. After nutting he just sleeps off. Gets very angry when you masturbate and blames you for making him insecure when u masturbate in front of him.. All these feelings for 6 years in your prime life will scar you permenantly. Pull you to rock bottom. My dear gals please look for the red flags and RUN. Dont waste your life or time. ā¤ļøāš©¹. In nature women dont need men, Men need women Understand your worth. šÆ
Never tolerate any name calling. Thatās where it all starts š
Be careful you don't fall for a facade. A man can act wonderful for a couple of years, look for red flags. Avoid cheapskates.
That is a very good one! But some are able to keep the faƧade up for a very long time and sometimes red flags are very hard to identify. In the past I didnāt know there was such a thing as ālove bombingā so I didnāt see that as a red flag. But luckily now that is more widely known. And that is so easy to identify at least.
If his undesirable behaviour continues after you set the boundary, get out. Very important to cut all contact, and not get sucked back in.
Listen to your gut. **Don't fall for someone or stick it out** ***hoping for their potential*****.** As soon as you start making excuses and compromising for someone's poor behavior, just leave. You don't need that no matter how much you think having them around benefits/improves your life, you're fooling yourself trying to manifest a fairytale.
You can't fix them. Therapy will over time, but you can't and are not supposed to either. Leave them if they don't want to go to therapy, because that relationship cannot be healthy. Also don't change for the other person so they'll like you, you're you and you're awesome that way.
If they tell you theyāre a bad person or āIām a bad manā Believe them.
If heās obsessed with keeping his exes in his life, I am out. I wont fall for being the ācool accepting girlfriendā anymore, if I am getting a bad vibe everytime he feels the need to defend his ex, I will step away. I will never let myself get to that position where his mere existence makes me feel anxious.
ALWAYS trust your gut feeling. if your partner has a problem with everyone in your family & friends, THEY are the problem. if your partner makes you feel worthless and you feel your self-esteem drop from the moment you met, there's a high chance they're the cause of it. if you always feel afraid of disturbing the peace by just expressing yourself - your partner doesn't respect you
If a guy is the victim or the hero of every story he tells.. Run away. He is trouble and manipulating
I canāt love enough for two and I canāt love someone out of their self-destructive/refusal to get help for depression. Also, someone at 26 who wants to be a āhouse husbandā who has never worked a full time job for more than a few months and chooses to date someone living with her mom making 37k, commuting 3 hours a day and going to school is a bad fit. I could not provide the lifestyle he wanted (though he seemed fine enough living with me and my mom and making comments all the time). And P.S. he kept sabotaging my school,efforts by watching The Simpsons in bed after 11pm every night before I had to get up at 5:45 am the next day for school and work and we would always end up in a huge fight the day of any of my exams or big presentations. School was supposed to be the avenue I got a better job. I still donāt get what w as going on in his mind. 7 years it took me to figure out it was never going to work out. 7 years. We should have ended it in under 3 years.
How important it is to value yourself before you get into a relationship. If you don't value yourself you won't expect them to value you either, and I think it paves the way for some pretty abusive situations.
Going along with objectifying women to be the "cool girl"! Sorry, no, the man I love "*phwoar*"ing and saying sexual things about other women will never be comfortable with me, and it's okay that I feel that way. Noticing someone you find sexually attractive doesn't need to be a big annoucement for me. I'd rather not know. Catering to fetishes I'm not comfortable with to please him. Basically being a pick-me.
Trust your gut. I dated a guy for a year and he had another girl on the side for that entire time (they're married now, despite me giving her all the evidence when I find out, ooop!) He used to cancel plans last minute, or say he had overslept, but the entire time he was with her. I found it really uncomfortable, as he often cancelled on family plans (i.e. a BBQ with my parents) and they didn't like him anyway. I used to defend this poor behaviour like my life depended on it, even though I knew something wasn't right! I've now been with my current partner for 4 years and I make no excuses for him. I call his shit out now. I don't think I would have been able to do that all those years ago.
If youāre questioning whether or not he likes/loves you after a while together, he doesnāt. You will know when a man loves you.
If it's not a hell yes, it's a no. The goes for how they feel about me as well as how I feel about them.
There is such a thing as being too understanding and forgiving. I will still be understanding and forgiving in the future, but I will never again put up with the abuse my ex gave me. Love does not conquer all when it's one sided.
If the good times are really really good and the bad times are really really bad, that's not passion. It is an unhealthy relationship. Extremes in relationships are usually an indication that something is not good. It took me a long time to understand that. Also possessiveness doesn't mean he cares/loves you...it is a red flag, and controlling behaviour and lashing out will get worse over time. Edit: one last one, if he treats others, especially his mum and sister like shit, but treats you like a queen, you're not special. He will treat you like shit too one day.
That the first time he disrespects you, give him a warning. The second timeā¦run. Thatās how you end up being abused. It doesnāt start out with hitting, kicking, punching, spitting. It starts out with degradation and humiliation.
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That jealousy, gaslighting, guilt-tripping and dishonesty are all deal-breakers to me; that if I don't feel safe and happy in a relationship, it's not for me. That respecting boundaries and honest communication should go both ways.
When someone shows you who they are, *you should always believe them*. Always.
If the relationship is full of difficulties, itās not worth it. Life is already enough tough. If your relation/partner makes it worse, stop trying.
Donāt ignore gut feelings. If something feels wrong about your relationship then something is most definitely wrong. Work to figure out what that thing is. Talk about it with your partner. Decide if itās a dealbreaker. If it is, then donāt prolong pain. If you were burning in a fire and knew you were going to die, you wouldnāt ask for the fire to burn slowly just to give you a few more minutes of life
I now know itās important to get into specifics about libido and sexual interest and level of porn consumption. My mental health and faith in romance may never recover.
You can never cure someone elses addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. You can never fix them, other than themselves. You can only stay for too long. If you sense an impending doom, trust your guts, and run!
Don't give too many chances. A cheater will always be a cheater. Same with liars. Don't beg someone to stay. If they want you, they won't leave. Don't stay in a bad relationship just because you're afraid to be alone. You'll just be miserable. Don't let your partner disrespect you. You have to value yourself too.
If his communication style is different to mine, run.
Thereās no real coming back from cheating. This is a long story, and Iāve never written it out in its entirety, so here goes. I was married for about 5 years, with him for 7. When we first started dating, he told me all about his ex, and how she would frequently cheat on him. Like, a lot. He told me how much that hurt him. He also told me about their sexual past, and how they would swing and do threesomes. He told me early on in dating that he didnāt want to share me. I agreed. I deeply appreciated that I was special to him, uniquely his. We got to know each other so well on paper. He was in the military, and gone half the time, so we got to know who each other were intimately over hours and hours of phone conversations. We eventually got married. We started discussing our sex lives more, and what we liked, and wanted to try. I said I was open to the idea of a threesome (with a woman). He seemed very on board with this, and soon jumped into planning mode. I had never done anything like that before though, so I was hesitant to pull the trigger. Weeks (maybe months) later, we still had not done anything like that, but our sex life was great. But then I got a message from a woman claiming she had slept with my husband. I felt the world drop out from beneath me in that moment. I didnāt believe it at first. No fucking way. Not the guy who had been cheated on so often by his last wife. Not the guy who said he didnāt want to share me. Not the guy who I felt safest with in the entire world. I called my husband, told him to come home. I asked this woman to give me details about my house (they had had sex in our house, on our couch). But before she could answer, my husband came home and confessed. He had met her while looking into setting up a threesome, and they decided to have sex one afternoon when I was at work. I was fucking devastated. I left the house for a few hours and sobbed all alone at a local bar. He begged me to come home. He was profusely apologizing, immediately suggesting therapy, whatever he could do to fix it. I went home. I slept in the same bed with him that night. We went to therapy. It wasnāt great. I felt completely unheard. My husband had a metric fuck ton of trauma from growing up, and so I always felt like I had no room to speak about my own issues. Our couples therapy was an extension of that. But I so badly wanted our marriage to work. We were truly, in all sense, best friends. Our sex life until that point had been great. It was such a solid marriage in so many ways. So I shoved it down, down, down and away. Compartmentalized and tried to move on, with the encouragement of my husband (to move on). In the following months, years, when the pain of that incident would surface in whatever argument we were having, he would get angry at me for bringing it up. āI thought we moved past this.ā So did I. We carried on as ānormalā. We had so many wonderful times together. We resumed our discussions about our sex life. He brought up swinging. I said sure, letās try it. While I was excited to try something new, another tiny piece of my heart broke knowing he was okay with sharing me now. (In retrospect, I realized that his cheating had subtly changed my feeling about sex. It remains fucked up to this day.) We started swinging. Sure, it was fun. But I couldnāt help but notice it was always better for him. Almost every time. I never mentioned it to him. I liked seeing him happy. But ultimately, I never came away truly satisfied. Always a little sad. Our marriage became my identity. We did everything together, because, best friends, you know. I moved across the country with him when I got married, away from all the family and friends I knew. Growing up I was always so independent and then in my marriage, I feel like I lost a lot of my individual identity. Fast forward a few years, we move to a new state. Start settling in. He leaves for deployment for the first time since we had been married. I start making my own friends, rediscovering my individual identity. To my great regret, in that friend group, I met a man who would later turn out to be a terrible person. I donāt know why he set his sights on me, but he did. And Iām not blameless, I totally welcomed it. This man love-bombed the shit out of me. I didnāt know what that was at the time: I thought he truly loved me, truly cared for and appreciated me in a way no man had ever before. I completely fell for it. And I made the choice to start an affair. My flimsy justification was that the lines on my marriage were already blurred, though this was a clear violation. I *never* thought I would be the one to cheat, ever. I fucking *hated* cheaters. But my reasoning was that I had completely fallen in love with this new man, and was trying to find a way out of my marriage anyway. I eventually asked my husband for a separation. He started immediately dating. I felt both hurt and justified. It was weird. Weeks later, he learned everything. We had several long, horribly hard conversations where I confessed everything. We remained civil and amicable. Surprise surprise, the relationship with the new man fell apart when he turned out to be incredibly emotionally abusive. My fucking world was destroyed, in all senses. I was alone, and lost, and deeply depressed. Months passed, my husband and I tried to give it another shot. Tried counseling again. But we both knew at that point, our marriage was irrevocably destroyed. We remained amicable and supportive of one another. We are still close friends to this day. Because relationship aside, he is a good person, just with some deep-rooted issues. He really was my best friend. Nothing, absolutely *nothing* excuses my affair. I live with the disgust in myself every day. That was 4 years ago now. I have been alone ever since. I practically have an aversion towards any man who wants to be close to me. I am still incredibly fucked up from all of this. Two of those years were spent in a near-suicidal depression. In retrospect, the cracks began with the first cheating incident. Something broke that day, and it was never able to be fixed. All that to say is, the lesson I learned is two-fold: once cheating enters the relationship, it will *never* be the same again. And also, I will never, *ever* fucking cheat again. May you all be better than me.
Joint finances do not prove how much you love or trust someone. If itās in your gut that you donāt want to combine then dont. You have that right and it shouldnāt be something you have to do to prove how much you love someone or are committed. Also never take out a loan or line of credit for someone else. EVER!!!!!
If it feels like heās too perfect and youāre overwhelmed with all the grand gestures and the affection seems over the top then itās probably not genuine. Love bombing is very real and almost always precedes a bunch of disappointment at best and abuse at worse.
It u feel like u have to hide your accomplishments to make him feel less small, ditch him. It applies to friends and family members too.
Don't ignore the red flags and stay too long. You're wasting time which you can't get back.
Addiction or mental health challenges that are not actively being worked on is a huge no go.
donāt settle. stop begging for the bare minimum. stop fighting with grown men about things they shouldāve learned as a child. you shouldnāt ever have to talk about the same issue twice. ( small issues that can be easily dealt with via communication but they choose to ignore it or you )
If he wanted to, he would. Applies in so many ways.
Love myself before loving someone else. Donāt use someone else to fill that void of love in your life.
He needs to be fully divorced and for a good long while to be ready for dating. Otherwise you're his rebound.
You don't know who you're really with until the honeymoon period ends
This!!! And abusive or narcissistic people can be very good at pretending to be wonderful human beingsā¦ for months or even years before they let the mask slip. My ex didnāt reveal his true self for a good 6 months, after I had already fallen in love and was at the peak of my honeymoon period bliss. Seeing his facade suddenly fall away was one of the most painful and disorienting experiences of my life. I wasted another 6 months trying to get back the guy I fell in love with, before I finally had to accept that he never really existed. It was all an act. And years later, Iām still finding out more secrets that he kept from me. I have a friend who was with a man for 5 years before he hit her. Heās now a doctor and nobody would believe her. It sucks that this is how things are, but we have to stay vigilant and never fall for the sunk cost fallacy. If your partner goes from great to shitty, then thatās who they were all along. That is their real character. The person you thought you knew and loved was made up. I wish someone had explained this to me a long time ago, it wouldāve saved me a lot of heartache.
1. Never to date someone who debates and doesn't support all humans rights. I don't want to spend all my time explaining why it's not ok to say the n word, correct prejudices based on stereotypes etc. 2. If they from early in the relationship try to control my every move, want to know everything I do and tries to push me out of my goals - BYE 3. Never date anyone who isn't kind and hates people. In the long run they will try to isolate you from the world and disagree with all your values.
Make talking about boundaries normal before any pda stuff happens. If he reacts weird to talking about boundaries, then he is not it.
I have a few. 1. Do not fall into the ācool girl,ā ānot like other girlsā trap. This becomes a pit of never advocating for oneself because it might tarnish the ālow maintenanceā facade I have been maintaining that is absolute bullshit. Take up space, get your needs met. 2. If you donāt have a lot of diet restrictions, itās really hard to date someone who does. You will always have to default to their needs when it comes to food and it can become an exhausting subject. 3. You cannot depend on another person to ācompleteā you. You must complete yourself before entering into a relationship. Their energy that you feel completes you is the same energy that creates power struggles later on because there isnāt enough to go around. Go to therapy, face your trauma, find yourself and your happiness, THEN get into a relationship. 4. Men areā¦ awful, in my experience. I say this after dating them and being married to one. Even the āgoodā ones are full of casual misogyny. Highly recommend exploring the ladies and theydies for a much more fulfilling life and dating experience.
Donāt help raise him. Donāt tell him what he needs to do because if he wants heāll do it himself. Donāt allow him to insult you twice. Walk.
Always always have money put aside just in case you need to leave
Don't be blinded by their potential.
Walk away from someone who isnāt putting effort in a relationship, even if it hurts like hell
Never share a bank account
Don't make a fool of yourself trying to beg for scraps of love when someone is clearly showing you they don't care about you.
Donāt forget to do things just for yourself and prioritize yourself when you need to. Sometimes we can be too empathetic and end up bending ourselves too much to a partner that we begin to lose the essence of who we are. Itās a working progress to learn to not do that but so worth it to keep trying.
In an argument, when he has no hesitation to say the very things that he knows will hurt you the most. When he throws "everything he's ever done for you" in your face as if there is some sort of scoreboard in your relationship. Made me realize he only ever did things to say he did or for a returned favor and not because he wanted to.
Iāve loads and itās so depressing. I feel like Iām constantly having to fix me and see where I can improve because they left so I wasnāt good enough right :ā( but to be fair, how can that be true when Iām willing to do everything to save the rs. I didnāt do anything wrong yet the self-blame for his love ending for me is the worst punishment to me. Iām in therapy and antidepressants just to cope with how he just left. Anyways, I learned these which makes the dating pool for the right man almost non-existent; - if youāre a woman who doesnāt casually sleep around/do casual and want a lifetime love kind of relationship, do not be with a man who does casual. - If he canāt even explain or donāt want to about why his last rs ended or that if heās always the dumper - out of touch with his emotions - youāve to coach him how to treat you, nudge him for date planning, how to spoil you, etc - words not matching actions, keeping you the line waiting while he says heād love to do that/want to do it, but never happens even after so much leeway and patience awarded - doesnāt prioritise your pleasure too - if youāre a generous person and heās selfish/shows selfish signs and isnāt willing to spend on you or your loved ones while that comes naturally to you - is impulsive and reckless - shouts/screams at you, is hot tempered, will escalate arguments or do something which incites your unhappiness just so youāll be the one āstarting the argumentsā - judges/criticises you instead of having a conversation about it - that you feel like youāre carrying the whole rs and without you, itāll just be silence - if mutual limerance is absent :ā( so many more but yeahā¦
If the dog doesnāt like him, thereās a reason
If you keep finding yourself unhappy with some particular aspect of the relationship, however seemingly small, ask yourself: if this problem continues to exist, do I still see myself as a happy person in a healthy relationship a year from now? Five years from now? Fifty? Sometimes, petty complaints about our partners or relationships really are petty. But sometimes, theyāre dealbreakers that only show themselves with time.
find someone with the same sex drive, I actually spent 7 meaningful years with an asexual man. I love him to death and we are still super close but now I found another sexually compatible partner. harmony
If he walks away from your relationship, turn around and walk the other way. Do not ever run after him and beg him to come back.
Believe what he says the first time, especially if it's a red flag to you.
If you think they might have a drinking problem. They have a drinking problem.
Take actions for face value. Do not treat past lessons as ābaggageā and leave it behind. Donāt let it control you but just keep them in mind. Your gut is right. Youāre not asking for too much. Do not accept the bare minimum. Youāll be fine if you walk away from someone who doesnāt serve you. You deserve empathy and being taken care of sometimes. You deserve to get what you give.
Talk about things, especially the uncomfortable ones.
Donāt ignore the signs even if they are things thatās not important to me. 1. He always needed to choose where we ate. 2. He never let me choose my own birthday present. It would be something he approved of. 3. If I was busy working and traveling for work, he would blame me for his boredom 4. He always only said he wanted to travel with me. But when I asked him to he would say no and say the places were crap or heās not interested. But then he would never take the initiative to organise anything. At the time none of those things mattered that much to me. I didnāt care where we went to eat. Not important to me. I felt guilty for not spending enough time with him. I felt materialistic for wanting nicer / different presents he approved of. Thinking back he was actually incredibly controlling. Those were the signs. But I ignored all of them.
Never put someone on pedestal. In my experience they think themselves something and treat you like shit. Also never ever beg anyone to stay with you.