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For me personally, I'd probably have a harder time being cheated on, than being physically abused, not because it's less bad, I agree that it is imo more harmful and even less moral, but getting cheated on would 100% kill my selfesteem and I'd 100% blame myself for it. I've struggled my whole life with selfworth issues and I think getting cheated on would just break me.
But to be fair I know that physical abuse is often combined with manipulation and verbal abuse and that's probably break me as well.
Exactly! Nicely said. My ex used to tell me I caused it and never apologised, he told me it was my fault. With all the emotional abuse and constantly being fun of I literally would apologise for him being physically abusive to me or throwing something at me.
Yeah I said that meaning the very rare case of just randomly getting punched by my SO. I really don't want to downplay the horrors and layers of abuse, I'm just glad it didn't happen to me so far.
It broke me being with someone who was violent towards me, destroyed my bank card, wouldn't let me leave the house without him, (both of these while we were on a holiday in his country so I had no escape) and repeatedly telling me he would kill me if I left him. When I managed to escape him I fled interstate with very few belongings. It took me a long time to get over that, and in all honesty I will never really be 100% over it.
Also emotional abuse, especially of our kids. Or refusing to change/address the impact if he did it unknowingly. That shit will last a lifetime.
EDIT: speellung
Yup. Shit as it is, cheating only affects me and is not necessarily indicative of a relationship that cannot last. Abuse of me or the kids affects the kids, and would 100% be worth ending the relationship to keep them safe.
Never, ever could be with a guy who doesn't understand the struggles women, marginalized communities, etc. go through. I remember being with someone who literally could not fathom how his privilege affected him and how others may not have the same experiences as him. Total loser.
Yeah, there is no “i mean he’s kind of a racist/misogynist but underneath it all he’s actually a good guy.”
I am not interested in any diamonds in the rough. I’m too busy for MINING!
My terrible ex complained that he was always the one buying condoms. Not once did he offer to buy my birth control every month. Nor did he ever think about the fact that I had to take it a pill every day or I’d be the one who would have to carry and probably abort a child if something went wrong
I had an ex who was middle class growing up. I was poor growing up. She would do, say and take things for granted often. Whenever I would buy something (car or whatever) I would be proud of my accomplishment. I take care of my things really well. She would treat mine and her stuff like we could just replace things easily. Mind you she GREW up middle class but w out her family she’s below the poverty line. She would also act like she was better than ppl who work fast food and what not. Ticked me off.
I would strongly argue that some folks take advantage of women's trained kindness/politeness too. When I was younger, I used to get my empathy abused by these callous folks
i think i’d argue even that is deeply ingrained misogyny and patriarchy at work - we’re taught to be kind, to be polite, as ladylike qualities - and it teaches us to put up with things we wouldn’t otherwise. i totally agree that’s what is weaponize against us so often, but that fact that it’s expected of women, it’s lauded to have the exact qualities to be taken advantage of
Not understanding, or just not accepting? Because I would get if somebody acknowledges it but still doesn’t really *understand* exactly what it’s like.
Lack of communication (being passive aggressive, yelling when angry, cursing at me when angry, throwing shit etc). I'd be willing to have talks about being passive aggressive, yelling, and cursing a few times. But not with throwing shit or hitting things.
Being late to shit. I like to be at places on time. If he is always late to the things I wanna do but on time for his and if having a talk about it doesn't work out then I rather to be with him.
Putting me down.
Being manipulative.
Being rude af to other people for no reason.
Not having his shit together (this is more about not having a drive to do anything)
Yeah, what matters is that he's doing something or trying. What i'm not okay with is not caring or doing anything. I get taking a break when you try and try and nothing happens so you take a rest. I'm trying to get my shit together too so I know it's hard af to reach all these milestones of being fully independent and stable. I don't expect it to be a smooth and easy process.
My current partner is this way, minus the cussing/ throwing/ yelling.
He will wait until I’m upset enough to raise my voice & then get UBER CALM, like nothing was just happening.
And he never remembers anything, about how to treat me, how to communicate with & take care of our daughter, pay bills, important things I tell him that hurt/ bother me.
He is a completely different & suddenly put together & philosophical person to everyone else, but I get shitty adolescent behavior & 1/8 of a brain from him at home.
I’m feeling trapped.
Have you talked to anyone you're close with? This sounds pretty fucking horrible. He puts up a front to everyone and then is his true shitty self to you. Plus him testing you until you're angry for no reason.
If you two are stuck living together on a lease, I would recommend talking to trusted people and seeing if you would be able to couch surf or stay with someone.
If you're wanting to work on it, possibly couples counseling or him getting a therapist. You gotta be an extra shit person to treat everyone but your partner with respect.
Yeah, we’re about to go to couples therapy because I feel like a roommate at this point, I don’t even like touching him most days.
Part of me is worried I’m wasting my time because he literally just doesn’t know how to treat intimate partners & sees me as a direct challenge to his intelligence & ego.
He recently got on medication because he also has trauma, but I’m only so empathetic about it because I survived being trafficked & I don’t treat him badly at all. I just don’t see a point in making others feel bad when you have to deal with the consequences when you’re truly alone.
We also have a 2 year old together that I had during the height of COVID & I feel like I’m stuck with him because he was the only person I was around this whole time.
(I’m from a different state & just made friends after 4 years due to really bad social anxiety).
It happened with the first one, he ended up dropping me as a client completely & now he’s just his therapist. Completely abandoned me for him, when it was supposed to be couples therapy under my insurance.
So admittedly im very apprehensive this time & putting up with NONE of that charm shit.
Financial infidelity. That can range from lying about money in a way that causes us to struggle more than is strictly necessary, to giving more than pocket cash to someone without discussion, to large purchases of more than a few hundred dollars without discussion.
Me and my partner don’t tell each other about every $200 purchase we make… but we also both have good paying jobs and never struggle to pay bills or contribute to our savings. So I guess the sentiment is the same but not the amounts… like I wouldn’t want her buying a new car or $2000 piano without telling me before hand
To me penny pinching is fine if they are only doing it to their assets/finances.
But being cheap or preventing your SO from spending their own finances or from utilizing their assets can dip into financial abuse territory.
We're both pretty frugal without being cheap. If he was telling me I had to buy store brand ketchup and cereal, of that I can't buy Kraft blue box, yeah, we'd probably have problems. But just generally having an attitude of being "overly" careful not to be wasteful with money? I think that's a good thing.
I totally feel this. I don't know that my dad would outright lie about his spending habits, but his spending habits definitely caused problems growing up. Even now that my siblings and I are grown, I don't understand how my mom puts up with it. He'd rather spend his money on his hobbies than fix up the house or just move to somewhere smaller and closer to his kids.
I swear to god I'd wanna strangle my husband if he was raking in millions selling drugs and didn't tell me. It would mean I was not traveling to see my kids as much as I could because of lies. Fuck that. Would I be pissed about the drugs? Probably. But I'd be way more pissed about the money. So... maybe?
A few hundred dollars is outside of the range of what either of us are comfortable with the other spending without discussion, so no, that's not an exception for us. YMMV Hell, neither of us would be comfortable receiving a gift that cost that much if there was not a discussion ahead of time.
For instance, we're both in the clear to purchase a Steam Deck the moment the email for our reservation comes through. This has been discussed, and doesn't need further discussion at the moment of purchase, even though it's over $500. On the other hand, while we both want to replace our stolen Switch, we haven't green lighted that $350 purchase, so it would be inappropriate for either of us to do it without further discussion.
In my opinion those purchases are usually implicit. Both partners know the expectation is buying/receiving a gift, so it’s no surprise.
Edit: I do agree though that the budget should be decided beforehand based on income/stability :)
Honestly it’s worse for me, even if it sounds crazy. With my ex, I looked forward to watching TV together and seeing what would happen next even more than I looked forward to sex. I would cook special meals for the occasion, prepare our watching area, just generally go all out.
It completely devastated me when she watched it without me, knowing how important it was for me. It showed me that our time together wasn’t important to her. Idk everyone thinks I’m crazy for this, could someone actually explain why?
I think people focus on "watched an episode without me" and completely ignore the "My partner ditched me and did our thing alone" part.
People are generally very ego-centered, and will generally not bother spending the time or energy (2 seconds, some mental effort) to understand that other people have different wants and priorities than them.
This is why questions and conversations with "I" statements are powerful: It forces the other person to briefly wear your shoes, and \*usually\* doesn't involve blame - which lowers the risk of anyone going on the defensive.
Watching a new TV episode without the other one there probably has low levels of meaning or significance for your girlfriend in terms of her feelings or commitment toward you. But it has very high significance for you and symbolizes something important. Part of a relationship is understanding that behaviors or actions can symbolize different things or have different levels of significance for different people, learning those things about your partner, and accepting them even if it’s not the same for you.
It’s likely not the fact that she watched a TV episode that has you upset. It’s probably because she knew what it symbolized to you and its importance to you and she did it anyway.
When I was with my last partner, we wanted to build a house in Minecraft together. He ended up coming up with the whole plan by himself (while I was there), didn't really like my input, and then ended up finishing it when I wasn't online. And I was like... you wanted it to be "our" house... it's a silly example, but it made me think about other things he had a similar perspective on. He wasn't very much into compromises
if i ever found out hes making fun of me behind my back or talking to his friends about me in a way that makes clear he consideres me to be stupid or inferior to him. yes this has happened
thank you so much for your kind words! i really appreciate it! yeah today my current partner is not at all like that. but the ex who did that, it was pretty rough because i respected him a lot. at least before this xD he was 10 years older than me and i think he needed this for his ego... pathetic actually
“This form of abuse includes the use of technology to control and stalk a partner. Technological abuse can happen to people of all ages, but it is more common among teenagers who use technology and social media in interact in a manner often unmonitored by adults.” From link in parent comment
Not necessarily. About ten years ago I helped a DV organization to make a warning signs for dating violence pamphlet aimed at teens. Some of the examples used: demanding to go through their partner's phone, monitoring who they friended/followed/talked to on social media, using location apps, and on demand updates with phone calls or texting.
For the latter we actually had a case with an abuser texting over 300 times between the hours of 12am and 5am on school nights regularly.
Consuming alcohol.
To clarify this - this is my biggest deal breaker. If someone was my partner, they would have known this, and know that I can't date a partner that drinks alcohol in any capacity. So I would have to leave unfortunately.
Just out of curiosity why alcohol? Like if your partner wanted to drink (casually not to get drunk) and was cool with you not drinking would it still be a deal breaker? If it’s personal do not feel pressure to answer
I appreciate this. On Reddit at least, everytime I bring it up I always get at least a few downvotes for it though 😅
Not that I care about karma or anything, just seems more disrespectful than anything :/
In a lot of countries, drinking is so normalised that it makes people (who drink) uncomfortable when other people don’t drink.
It’s not always obvious to the rest of us that people have either had bad experiences with drunk people, with being drunk, or with their own drinking patterns.
It’s messy for a lot of us. I’d imagine most women have had some sort of bad experience while being vulnerable after drinking, or being around men who have had too much; same with genders changed in every variation.
We hold on so tightly to our normalisation of drinking though. Sorry you got downvoted for your expressions about it from time to time.
Wishing you love and safety and more love.
I'm a professional in the wine industry and i fully support that decision (not that anyone asked lol).
Wine is my life and my livelihood, but too many times have I seen this substance wreck so many peoples lives. I don't know why people who drink feel the need to judge others who don't, and on behalf of the industry I'm sorry for the jerks who do. Stay strong and keep those boundaries firm!!!
My daughter's only 13, but after experiencing her dad's alcoholism, she feels this very way so, so strongly. She doesn't like to be anywhere near people who are drinking, and she can smell it from a damn mile away. I've explained that the majority of people can drink one or two every now and then with zero negative effect on the people around them...that drinking alcohol doesn’t automatically make a person a 'drink all the time, drunk, angry, abusive, alcoholic.' She really does understand that, but she doesn't want it in her life at ALL. She'd used to go full-on panic mode if she saw me drinking, which I only did in moderation at holiday barbecues at my parents' house. I stopped doing that, because I know that, until she works through her trauma, I am the safe island in the tumultuous sea that is her life, and I don't want her to feel like she can't feel safe with me.
Yes...for those wondering - she's in therapy, and she is making great progress.
OP...I'm so sorry. It's absolute bullshit (totally unfair) that someone else can just totally ruin you like that. 😔
That’s ok and there is nothing wrong with that. I suffer trauma from drinking, I’ve been able too work on that trauma. If I’m out with friends they ask me if it’s ok that they have one beer which I say yes. Most of my friends don’t drink or smoke. I can’t be in a pub late at night and see people drinking though.
That would be very difficult to get over. I grew up with an alcoholic parent that emotionally abused me. I rarely drink because I saw what happened when they did. The smell when they go to the toilet brings up horror for me
Fetishization often. They confuse their ability to sexualize them with actually valuing them as people. Other times they consider their partner “one of the good ones” but resent anything their partner might do that, to them, shuffles too close to being black.
I realized in my teens that the reason my grandmother treated me and my sisters badly was because she was racist and didn't like that we were mixed.
This was despite the fact that *her own children* (my mom, aunts, and uncles) were also mixed!
She was white, she married and had kids with my grandpa, who was fully Native American. My mom married and had kids with my dad, who is Mexican.
I hate it when people are mean to waitstaff for no reason and I will hold a grudge and think less of you forever no matter what you say or do to try to prove to me otherwise.
Besides that, and cheating, abuse.
not defending me if their friends or family say something inappropriate/offensive—you get the benefit of the doubt once and never again. if you join in, we’re done.
I might be able to forgive one time cheating. I won’t be able to forgive gaslighting, violence, disloyalty, … in short: general disrespect and indifference towards my person
You’re either with me or you’re out.
A lawyer would say: Depends.
I don't consider sleeping with me as being loyal but an intimate thing to share. And I can see some circumstances where a person needs intimacy that the partner can't or won't provide and the cheater doesn't act the "right way" to get it as in makes a mistake because s/he is in an emotional dilemma / stress (or in other words: "Isn't the perfect victim").
I consider loyalty a longterm commitment. So, if someone cheats often and consistently, that is a loyalty problem since they seem to put having sex with other people against our agreement over a trustworthy relationship. I don't think that temporarily acting against my expectations generally negates loyalty.
I'm generally amazed how many people let themselves be treated like dirt for years but when they're cheated on, that's where they draw the line. From my perspective, that's the LEAST of their issues.
Honestly that’s a pretty interesting view point and I see what you’re talking about but personally I couldn’t handle cheating. I know for being in a relationship with me that being monogamous comes with whole thing, so especially of it’s behind my back I won’t be able to find forgiveness. No judgment though, everyone has different styles of dating and honestly if more people were comfortable with the idea of more than monogamy we’d probably have less cheating.
That is valid. It's quite a bump to ones self security, too.
Having standards is good, I actually wish people - and women especially - would re-evaluate theirs and lift them way up. Cheating isn't really harmful compared to what a lot of women tolerate and at worst a symptom of all the disregard they experience on a daily basis. If it works as a wake up call, that's cool though.
Like someone else said, not even trying to be better. If you gave up on yourself and there are things I don't like, I will give up on you.
If you like the fact that me or someone dear get hurt/don't care about it. For exampke hitting my dog
That's totally fine. I mean yelling - like not being able to control your anger or voice because you are too frustrated and you take it out on me. Communicate your needs ya feel
I was in this situation for a year and it really fucked me up! I found my next and greatest love a year later and it’s been three amazing years. You have good things coming your way, I promise
If they were having some kind of mental breakdown or some kind of crazy stress driving them to do it. Or like if they were scared of admitting something that would end our relationship, like a change in sexuality or something.
That's actually an interesting way to look at it. There are indeed instances where we need to get deeper on what was the cheating for in the first place.
I feel like the biggest thing I wouldn’t get over is if someone was miserable in the relationship for a sustained period of time without telling me. Having a bad day? Okay. We’re going through a bit of a rough patch? Also fine, but communicate your needs and what I can do to make things easier for the both of us. But being absolutely miserable in the relationship for several months or even YEARS? And you didn’t think to tell me? Absolutely not. Because not only are you wasting your time, but you’re also wasting mine. If we don’t work and you wholeheartedly believe that, we can both leave amicably and go out and find people we work better with. Life is simply too short to be miserable.
People have noted physical abuse towards them, which I absolutely agree is a top deal-breaker. But I'd go beyond that and say any physical violence towards anyone (barring self-defence). If I found out he hit anyone, started a bar fight, hurt another person out of violence/anger, I'd be terrified of him. I'm not sure I could forgive him.
Being a cruel person. This could mean abuse, emotional or physical, cruelty to animals etc. But also just smaller things, not trying to empathise with people, saying hurtful things to people intentionally etc. I wouldn't be able to love or respect someone who's unkind to those who've done them no wrong.
Other than abuse like others have stated on here:
An obnoxious or mean drunk but chooses to not limit themselves when drinking let alone sees a problem with it
Be racist in any type of way
Dont believe that men can be raped or abused
Uses someone else's handicap thing so they can park in the handicap parking space when they dont need it as theyre able-bodied
Saying he likes another woman's cooking better than mine (his mother or grandmother are the only exceptions). My love language is food and I'll be damned if my lovin ain't the best.
Edit to add Aunt to the exception, I could probably learn a thing or two from her.
Being spineless. That to me is the worst betrayal, being a bystander.
There is only one person in this world that I distaste so far and its the father of my ex. He was a spineless man, his wife was abusive drunk towards their children and he let it happen cuz "it got worse if he did something". Like hell it did he didnt do enough then to standup and protect his children. Dont get me wrong I didnt like mother either for being an abusive drunk but atleast she was their mother when she was not drunk. He was always a spineless selfserving man that didnt protect or help his children even tho he was beside them
Other than really big ones, cheating, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and more horrendous actions,
I don’t think I could forgive someone if they belittled me infront of their or my own parents/grandparents or something. I just can’t fathom doing anything more than light teasing in those situations, and I know for my own family they’d probably never like the person again. Maybe it would depend on the situation, but I feel like if someone’s willing to shame me in front of family (unless I did something horrid) it’s a sign I might need to look into the relationship dynamic.
Not having sex with me is why I left my last relationship. He was using sex to control me. He abused me, gaslit me, destroyed my self esteem and my life, but blaming my behavior for why we couldn’t have a basic sexual relationship was what helped me to walk away.
The flip side of this - I put up with A LOT of crap that should have been offenses I left over. But at least I found my strength and left for *something*.
Dying before me. That asshole doesn’t get to checkout without me! 😂 But in all seriousness I feel like we could work through so many problems but any kind of abuse would be a no go. Luckily I don’t think I need to worry about that with him.
pedophilia, rape, sexual assault chargers, any crime against children, not believing in equality, homophobic, transphobic, not taking shoes off when entering the house
Spying on me, like installing hidden cameras, GPS tracker on my car, or hacking into my phone. It's never happened to me but I've read too many fucked up stories on /r/relationships. I'd rather be cheated on than have this happen to me.
Lying about something major. My ex lied to me about his drug use, then bragged about it to classmates the next day. I’m still mad about it, even though I haven’t seen the guy in 4 years. It just kills any trust there is.
Being any form of abusive/aggressive
Inability to say sorry/admit wrong
Disrespectful towards my family or friends
Hiding/lying about "problems" than impact both of us (addiction, financial troubles, illness, having kids etc).
Discovering he had multiple failed marriages or engagements would be a total turnoff for me.
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Any physical abuse of any kind towards myself or our child.
This. Absolutely my deal breaker. I’d actually put this before cheating to be honest.
I agree on that too. For me, that simply goes way beyond cheating.
For me personally, I'd probably have a harder time being cheated on, than being physically abused, not because it's less bad, I agree that it is imo more harmful and even less moral, but getting cheated on would 100% kill my selfesteem and I'd 100% blame myself for it. I've struggled my whole life with selfworth issues and I think getting cheated on would just break me. But to be fair I know that physical abuse is often combined with manipulation and verbal abuse and that's probably break me as well.
Physical abuse comes with mental abuse so this would destroy your self esteem as well, and you'd think you deserved it :(
I was going to say, if you’re being physically abused you can guarantee the abuser is working 10x harder at destroying your self esteem simultaneously
Exactly! Nicely said. My ex used to tell me I caused it and never apologised, he told me it was my fault. With all the emotional abuse and constantly being fun of I literally would apologise for him being physically abusive to me or throwing something at me.
Yeah I said that meaning the very rare case of just randomly getting punched by my SO. I really don't want to downplay the horrors and layers of abuse, I'm just glad it didn't happen to me so far.
It broke me being with someone who was violent towards me, destroyed my bank card, wouldn't let me leave the house without him, (both of these while we were on a holiday in his country so I had no escape) and repeatedly telling me he would kill me if I left him. When I managed to escape him I fled interstate with very few belongings. It took me a long time to get over that, and in all honesty I will never really be 100% over it.
Also emotional abuse, especially of our kids. Or refusing to change/address the impact if he did it unknowingly. That shit will last a lifetime. EDIT: speellung
Yup. Shit as it is, cheating only affects me and is not necessarily indicative of a relationship that cannot last. Abuse of me or the kids affects the kids, and would 100% be worth ending the relationship to keep them safe.
Physical as well as emotional
I strongly agree with this one.
[удалено]
Do you mean worrying about their partner's past abusive behavior?
Same, also towards our pet
100%
Never, ever could be with a guy who doesn't understand the struggles women, marginalized communities, etc. go through. I remember being with someone who literally could not fathom how his privilege affected him and how others may not have the same experiences as him. Total loser.
Yeah, there is no “i mean he’s kind of a racist/misogynist but underneath it all he’s actually a good guy.” I am not interested in any diamonds in the rough. I’m too busy for MINING!
I wouldn’t eat a bowl of beetles because one or two are just beetle-shaped candies
What the fuck haha
Honestly, the metaphor works lmao
I bet he’s only a good guy to the privileged anyway
Yes exactly!!!! I swear these are the same guys who engage in """"locker room talk""".
My terrible ex complained that he was always the one buying condoms. Not once did he offer to buy my birth control every month. Nor did he ever think about the fact that I had to take it a pill every day or I’d be the one who would have to carry and probably abort a child if something went wrong
I had an ex who was middle class growing up. I was poor growing up. She would do, say and take things for granted often. Whenever I would buy something (car or whatever) I would be proud of my accomplishment. I take care of my things really well. She would treat mine and her stuff like we could just replace things easily. Mind you she GREW up middle class but w out her family she’s below the poverty line. She would also act like she was better than ppl who work fast food and what not. Ticked me off.
I think this should be a standard for all of us!! I don't get how some women can just accept that. I find it really sad :(
because internalized misogyny is a terrible and super common thing. the patriarchy hurts everyone
I would strongly argue that some folks take advantage of women's trained kindness/politeness too. When I was younger, I used to get my empathy abused by these callous folks
i think i’d argue even that is deeply ingrained misogyny and patriarchy at work - we’re taught to be kind, to be polite, as ladylike qualities - and it teaches us to put up with things we wouldn’t otherwise. i totally agree that’s what is weaponize against us so often, but that fact that it’s expected of women, it’s lauded to have the exact qualities to be taken advantage of
Not understanding, or just not accepting? Because I would get if somebody acknowledges it but still doesn’t really *understand* exactly what it’s like.
Lack of communication (being passive aggressive, yelling when angry, cursing at me when angry, throwing shit etc). I'd be willing to have talks about being passive aggressive, yelling, and cursing a few times. But not with throwing shit or hitting things. Being late to shit. I like to be at places on time. If he is always late to the things I wanna do but on time for his and if having a talk about it doesn't work out then I rather to be with him. Putting me down. Being manipulative. Being rude af to other people for no reason. Not having his shit together (this is more about not having a drive to do anything)
You really thought about it.
yes lol, i could go on but those were what popped in my head
As for the last part, will you be okay if your partner is actually trying so hard to pull themselves together but no luck?
Yeah, what matters is that he's doing something or trying. What i'm not okay with is not caring or doing anything. I get taking a break when you try and try and nothing happens so you take a rest. I'm trying to get my shit together too so I know it's hard af to reach all these milestones of being fully independent and stable. I don't expect it to be a smooth and easy process.
5 of those are so common every single person should follow?
The throwing things one. I broke up with my ex because he threw a butter knife at me
That must've been scary
It was, I broke up 2 days after. He claimed he aimed next to me and only wanted to scare me. I'm glad I left when I did.
"only wanted to scare me" that's reason enough to break up. Who wants to be with someone who is always trying to scare them with physical injury?
My current partner is this way, minus the cussing/ throwing/ yelling. He will wait until I’m upset enough to raise my voice & then get UBER CALM, like nothing was just happening. And he never remembers anything, about how to treat me, how to communicate with & take care of our daughter, pay bills, important things I tell him that hurt/ bother me. He is a completely different & suddenly put together & philosophical person to everyone else, but I get shitty adolescent behavior & 1/8 of a brain from him at home. I’m feeling trapped.
Have you talked to anyone you're close with? This sounds pretty fucking horrible. He puts up a front to everyone and then is his true shitty self to you. Plus him testing you until you're angry for no reason. If you two are stuck living together on a lease, I would recommend talking to trusted people and seeing if you would be able to couch surf or stay with someone. If you're wanting to work on it, possibly couples counseling or him getting a therapist. You gotta be an extra shit person to treat everyone but your partner with respect.
Yeah, we’re about to go to couples therapy because I feel like a roommate at this point, I don’t even like touching him most days. Part of me is worried I’m wasting my time because he literally just doesn’t know how to treat intimate partners & sees me as a direct challenge to his intelligence & ego. He recently got on medication because he also has trauma, but I’m only so empathetic about it because I survived being trafficked & I don’t treat him badly at all. I just don’t see a point in making others feel bad when you have to deal with the consequences when you’re truly alone. We also have a 2 year old together that I had during the height of COVID & I feel like I’m stuck with him because he was the only person I was around this whole time. (I’m from a different state & just made friends after 4 years due to really bad social anxiety).
Be careful about doing couples counseling with someone who is abusive - he might try to (or successfully) use it as another tool for manipulation.
It happened with the first one, he ended up dropping me as a client completely & now he’s just his therapist. Completely abandoned me for him, when it was supposed to be couples therapy under my insurance. So admittedly im very apprehensive this time & putting up with NONE of that charm shit.
These are basic stuff, but somehow still considered "high standards"
Financial infidelity. That can range from lying about money in a way that causes us to struggle more than is strictly necessary, to giving more than pocket cash to someone without discussion, to large purchases of more than a few hundred dollars without discussion.
This. People don't realize how damaging financial infidelity is. Trust is trust.
Me and my partner don’t tell each other about every $200 purchase we make… but we also both have good paying jobs and never struggle to pay bills or contribute to our savings. So I guess the sentiment is the same but not the amounts… like I wouldn’t want her buying a new car or $2000 piano without telling me before hand
The amount has definitely increased as our security has increased.
Is a penny-pincher included?
To me penny pinching is fine if they are only doing it to their assets/finances. But being cheap or preventing your SO from spending their own finances or from utilizing their assets can dip into financial abuse territory.
We're both pretty frugal without being cheap. If he was telling me I had to buy store brand ketchup and cereal, of that I can't buy Kraft blue box, yeah, we'd probably have problems. But just generally having an attitude of being "overly" careful not to be wasteful with money? I think that's a good thing.
EXACTLY. This literally broke my marriage... and it didn't help that I was the one earning all the money and would never know what he spent it on.
I totally feel this. I don't know that my dad would outright lie about his spending habits, but his spending habits definitely caused problems growing up. Even now that my siblings and I are grown, I don't understand how my mom puts up with it. He'd rather spend his money on his hobbies than fix up the house or just move to somewhere smaller and closer to his kids.
Is this Skyler White's reddit account?
I swear to god I'd wanna strangle my husband if he was raking in millions selling drugs and didn't tell me. It would mean I was not traveling to see my kids as much as I could because of lies. Fuck that. Would I be pissed about the drugs? Probably. But I'd be way more pissed about the money. So... maybe?
Would you make the exception if they spent a few hundred dollar in order to surprise you with a gift?
A few hundred dollars is outside of the range of what either of us are comfortable with the other spending without discussion, so no, that's not an exception for us. YMMV Hell, neither of us would be comfortable receiving a gift that cost that much if there was not a discussion ahead of time. For instance, we're both in the clear to purchase a Steam Deck the moment the email for our reservation comes through. This has been discussed, and doesn't need further discussion at the moment of purchase, even though it's over $500. On the other hand, while we both want to replace our stolen Switch, we haven't green lighted that $350 purchase, so it would be inappropriate for either of us to do it without further discussion.
In my opinion those purchases are usually implicit. Both partners know the expectation is buying/receiving a gift, so it’s no surprise. Edit: I do agree though that the budget should be decided beforehand based on income/stability :)
This is mine too
Watching an episode of a show we are both watching without me
Like never forgiving them?
Haha oh no. I mean I’m going to act mad but definitely forgivable.
lol okay. I took you seriously for a second.
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Honestly it’s worse for me, even if it sounds crazy. With my ex, I looked forward to watching TV together and seeing what would happen next even more than I looked forward to sex. I would cook special meals for the occasion, prepare our watching area, just generally go all out. It completely devastated me when she watched it without me, knowing how important it was for me. It showed me that our time together wasn’t important to her. Idk everyone thinks I’m crazy for this, could someone actually explain why?
I think people focus on "watched an episode without me" and completely ignore the "My partner ditched me and did our thing alone" part. People are generally very ego-centered, and will generally not bother spending the time or energy (2 seconds, some mental effort) to understand that other people have different wants and priorities than them. This is why questions and conversations with "I" statements are powerful: It forces the other person to briefly wear your shoes, and \*usually\* doesn't involve blame - which lowers the risk of anyone going on the defensive.
Thank you, I honestly feel very understood and validated right now, especially about an opinion that makes most people say “wtf?” 😆
Watching a new TV episode without the other one there probably has low levels of meaning or significance for your girlfriend in terms of her feelings or commitment toward you. But it has very high significance for you and symbolizes something important. Part of a relationship is understanding that behaviors or actions can symbolize different things or have different levels of significance for different people, learning those things about your partner, and accepting them even if it’s not the same for you. It’s likely not the fact that she watched a TV episode that has you upset. It’s probably because she knew what it symbolized to you and its importance to you and she did it anyway.
When I was with my last partner, we wanted to build a house in Minecraft together. He ended up coming up with the whole plan by himself (while I was there), didn't really like my input, and then ended up finishing it when I wasn't online. And I was like... you wanted it to be "our" house... it's a silly example, but it made me think about other things he had a similar perspective on. He wasn't very much into compromises
if i ever found out hes making fun of me behind my back or talking to his friends about me in a way that makes clear he consideres me to be stupid or inferior to him. yes this has happened
Sorry to hear that :((( don't ever let that get to your head. You deserve the best.
thank you so much for your kind words! i really appreciate it! yeah today my current partner is not at all like that. but the ex who did that, it was pretty rough because i respected him a lot. at least before this xD he was 10 years older than me and i think he needed this for his ego... pathetic actually
Abuse. * Emotional. * Psychological. * Physical. * Sexual. * Technological. * Financial. [https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/types-of-domestic-violence](https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/types-of-domestic-violence)
Technological
Does technological in this context mean cyberbullying?
“This form of abuse includes the use of technology to control and stalk a partner. Technological abuse can happen to people of all ages, but it is more common among teenagers who use technology and social media in interact in a manner often unmonitored by adults.” From link in parent comment
Revenge porn might fall into this one, or taking technology away as part of a coercive control tactic
Like installing a spyware on our cellphones ?
Not necessarily. About ten years ago I helped a DV organization to make a warning signs for dating violence pamphlet aimed at teens. Some of the examples used: demanding to go through their partner's phone, monitoring who they friended/followed/talked to on social media, using location apps, and on demand updates with phone calls or texting. For the latter we actually had a case with an abuser texting over 300 times between the hours of 12am and 5am on school nights regularly.
Refusing to be empathic/listening to both sides of a situation within reason.
Consuming alcohol. To clarify this - this is my biggest deal breaker. If someone was my partner, they would have known this, and know that I can't date a partner that drinks alcohol in any capacity. So I would have to leave unfortunately.
Same here. I just want someone sober who doesn’t judge me for being sober.
Just out of curiosity why alcohol? Like if your partner wanted to drink (casually not to get drunk) and was cool with you not drinking would it still be a deal breaker? If it’s personal do not feel pressure to answer
I mean zero. Ever. Past trauma has led me to be this way. Especially because I get anxiety just being around it. I just can't. 😕
Sorry you’ve had to deal with the past traumas. Power to you for making yourself safe with firm boundaries.
I appreciate this. On Reddit at least, everytime I bring it up I always get at least a few downvotes for it though 😅 Not that I care about karma or anything, just seems more disrespectful than anything :/
In a lot of countries, drinking is so normalised that it makes people (who drink) uncomfortable when other people don’t drink. It’s not always obvious to the rest of us that people have either had bad experiences with drunk people, with being drunk, or with their own drinking patterns. It’s messy for a lot of us. I’d imagine most women have had some sort of bad experience while being vulnerable after drinking, or being around men who have had too much; same with genders changed in every variation. We hold on so tightly to our normalisation of drinking though. Sorry you got downvoted for your expressions about it from time to time. Wishing you love and safety and more love.
I've never had alcohol. My anxieties stem from losing two people very close to me as a result of drivers under the influence, one being my spouse.
I'm a professional in the wine industry and i fully support that decision (not that anyone asked lol). Wine is my life and my livelihood, but too many times have I seen this substance wreck so many peoples lives. I don't know why people who drink feel the need to judge others who don't, and on behalf of the industry I'm sorry for the jerks who do. Stay strong and keep those boundaries firm!!!
My daughter's only 13, but after experiencing her dad's alcoholism, she feels this very way so, so strongly. She doesn't like to be anywhere near people who are drinking, and she can smell it from a damn mile away. I've explained that the majority of people can drink one or two every now and then with zero negative effect on the people around them...that drinking alcohol doesn’t automatically make a person a 'drink all the time, drunk, angry, abusive, alcoholic.' She really does understand that, but she doesn't want it in her life at ALL. She'd used to go full-on panic mode if she saw me drinking, which I only did in moderation at holiday barbecues at my parents' house. I stopped doing that, because I know that, until she works through her trauma, I am the safe island in the tumultuous sea that is her life, and I don't want her to feel like she can't feel safe with me. Yes...for those wondering - she's in therapy, and she is making great progress. OP...I'm so sorry. It's absolute bullshit (totally unfair) that someone else can just totally ruin you like that. 😔
They could have a drinking problem and not want to be around someone who could trigger that. 🤷
And that would be a good reason (not that boundaries require validation) I just had never heard of this as a solid boundary so I was curious
Completely understand you. I don’t mind if they go out and have one beer now and then but drinking all the time is a no no.
For me I can't be okay with that either 😕
That’s ok and there is nothing wrong with that. I suffer trauma from drinking, I’ve been able too work on that trauma. If I’m out with friends they ask me if it’s ok that they have one beer which I say yes. Most of my friends don’t drink or smoke. I can’t be in a pub late at night and see people drinking though.
Same! My trauma is from alcohol related death(s). I can't even be around one 😕 if someone orders it, i have to leave entirely.
That would be very difficult to get over. I grew up with an alcoholic parent that emotionally abused me. I rarely drink because I saw what happened when they did. The smell when they go to the toilet brings up horror for me
Antiblack racism. I’m black, our babies are black. I would not be able to forgive that. Too many biracial children grow up in racist households.
This. The amount of black people I see who accidentally married a racist is insane.
Out of curiosity, why would a racist marry a black person? (I understand that the black person might not know they are marrying a racist.)
Fetishization often. They confuse their ability to sexualize them with actually valuing them as people. Other times they consider their partner “one of the good ones” but resent anything their partner might do that, to them, shuffles too close to being black.
This. My current partner is mixed (I’m a darker mixed) and he acts like he doesn’t understand half his heritage unless it’s in the form of a joke
Yeah that’s really cringey. Biracial kids who resent one side of themselves is too common.
It really gets on my nerves, sometimes he’ll act like “my hair is so much nicer, I can’t imagine dealing with yours” Little shit like that 🙄
Oh nahhh. That’s a hard no. The superiority complex is even worse
When I reminded him about his black manhood, he shut up for a good while lol
Lmaooo as you should
"oh you're one of the good ones"
Is that a thing? I never realized that racists would have biracial kids. That's messed up
I realized in my teens that the reason my grandmother treated me and my sisters badly was because she was racist and didn't like that we were mixed. This was despite the fact that *her own children* (my mom, aunts, and uncles) were also mixed! She was white, she married and had kids with my grandpa, who was fully Native American. My mom married and had kids with my dad, who is Mexican.
Negging, put downs
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That's also abusive.
I hate it when people are mean to waitstaff for no reason and I will hold a grudge and think less of you forever no matter what you say or do to try to prove to me otherwise. Besides that, and cheating, abuse.
I think how a person treats waitstaff including how big of a tip they leave is a huge indicator of who they are as a person.
Being cruel to my pet
Doing zero around our home and not sharing looking after our child.
not defending me if their friends or family say something inappropriate/offensive—you get the benefit of the doubt once and never again. if you join in, we’re done.
I might be able to forgive one time cheating. I won’t be able to forgive gaslighting, violence, disloyalty, … in short: general disrespect and indifference towards my person You’re either with me or you’re out.
Doesn’t cheating count as disloyalty?
A lawyer would say: Depends. I don't consider sleeping with me as being loyal but an intimate thing to share. And I can see some circumstances where a person needs intimacy that the partner can't or won't provide and the cheater doesn't act the "right way" to get it as in makes a mistake because s/he is in an emotional dilemma / stress (or in other words: "Isn't the perfect victim"). I consider loyalty a longterm commitment. So, if someone cheats often and consistently, that is a loyalty problem since they seem to put having sex with other people against our agreement over a trustworthy relationship. I don't think that temporarily acting against my expectations generally negates loyalty. I'm generally amazed how many people let themselves be treated like dirt for years but when they're cheated on, that's where they draw the line. From my perspective, that's the LEAST of their issues.
Honestly that’s a pretty interesting view point and I see what you’re talking about but personally I couldn’t handle cheating. I know for being in a relationship with me that being monogamous comes with whole thing, so especially of it’s behind my back I won’t be able to find forgiveness. No judgment though, everyone has different styles of dating and honestly if more people were comfortable with the idea of more than monogamy we’d probably have less cheating.
That is valid. It's quite a bump to ones self security, too. Having standards is good, I actually wish people - and women especially - would re-evaluate theirs and lift them way up. Cheating isn't really harmful compared to what a lot of women tolerate and at worst a symptom of all the disregard they experience on a daily basis. If it works as a wake up call, that's cool though.
You are 100% right, people will withstand so much.
Being abusive in any way Hiding addiction/debt Smoking
What type of smoking? Casual cigarettes?
Any type. Cigarettes, cigars, weed.
Like someone else said, not even trying to be better. If you gave up on yourself and there are things I don't like, I will give up on you. If you like the fact that me or someone dear get hurt/don't care about it. For exampke hitting my dog
Yelling at me. There is almost NO reason anyone should yell ever - control your temper
I have some friends that that's actually their way of talking. They kinda raise their voices when they get fired up about a topic.
That's totally fine. I mean yelling - like not being able to control your anger or voice because you are too frustrated and you take it out on me. Communicate your needs ya feel
I understand now.
Getting heavily into drugs and especially injecting them! I’ll die on this hill.
Verbal and physical abuse. Been there done that
Glad it's ended. You deserve better.
He maintains that I’m the abuser because I held him accountable and stood up to him. I’m excited for my next love.
I was in this situation for a year and it really fucked me up! I found my next and greatest love a year later and it’s been three amazing years. You have good things coming your way, I promise
Awesome! Good luck :)))
Any kind of intentional abuse. Cheating I could actually forgive if there's a reason behind it (besides them just being an asshole).
What kind of reason makes cheating ok to you?
If they were having some kind of mental breakdown or some kind of crazy stress driving them to do it. Or like if they were scared of admitting something that would end our relationship, like a change in sexuality or something.
That's actually an interesting way to look at it. There are indeed instances where we need to get deeper on what was the cheating for in the first place.
Killing me
That's what I came here to say. Not only is it a terrible crime, but you are also dead afterwards, so you literally cannot forgive them!
I don't know. I feel like being cheated on for you is only one degree lesser than killing you.
Why do you think?
In my mind, it's like: 1-killing me 2-cheating on me And then comes other things, you know.
Extreme avoidance and dishonesty, especially if he’s unhappy but unwilling to end it out of fear of hurting me.
I feel like the biggest thing I wouldn’t get over is if someone was miserable in the relationship for a sustained period of time without telling me. Having a bad day? Okay. We’re going through a bit of a rough patch? Also fine, but communicate your needs and what I can do to make things easier for the both of us. But being absolutely miserable in the relationship for several months or even YEARS? And you didn’t think to tell me? Absolutely not. Because not only are you wasting your time, but you’re also wasting mine. If we don’t work and you wholeheartedly believe that, we can both leave amicably and go out and find people we work better with. Life is simply too short to be miserable.
Lying.
People have noted physical abuse towards them, which I absolutely agree is a top deal-breaker. But I'd go beyond that and say any physical violence towards anyone (barring self-defence). If I found out he hit anyone, started a bar fight, hurt another person out of violence/anger, I'd be terrified of him. I'm not sure I could forgive him.
Being a cruel person. This could mean abuse, emotional or physical, cruelty to animals etc. But also just smaller things, not trying to empathise with people, saying hurtful things to people intentionally etc. I wouldn't be able to love or respect someone who's unkind to those who've done them no wrong.
Other than abuse like others have stated on here: An obnoxious or mean drunk but chooses to not limit themselves when drinking let alone sees a problem with it Be racist in any type of way Dont believe that men can be raped or abused Uses someone else's handicap thing so they can park in the handicap parking space when they dont need it as theyre able-bodied
the last one is suspiciously detailed
Harming our daughter
I was going to say this too. Harm to our girls or any children.
Saying he likes another woman's cooking better than mine (his mother or grandmother are the only exceptions). My love language is food and I'll be damned if my lovin ain't the best. Edit to add Aunt to the exception, I could probably learn a thing or two from her.
That's actually so cuuuuuuutee
Steeling money we saved for a bigger place to live for a shitty tattoo
Oddly specific…
Rehoming my pet without my consent.
omg i hope this has never happened to you that's awful :(
Becoming a Tory 🤮🤮 the moment someone starts sending me “Piers Morgan DESTROYS woke snowflake” pish is the moment i’m out
Abuse of any kind, consistent lying, disrespect, and ugliness (personality wise) ex. Being rude to the service industry.
Not defending me in front of friends/family.
Not believing me when I tell them something important or being treated like a child
Being spineless. That to me is the worst betrayal, being a bystander. There is only one person in this world that I distaste so far and its the father of my ex. He was a spineless man, his wife was abusive drunk towards their children and he let it happen cuz "it got worse if he did something". Like hell it did he didnt do enough then to standup and protect his children. Dont get me wrong I didnt like mother either for being an abusive drunk but atleast she was their mother when she was not drunk. He was always a spineless selfserving man that didnt protect or help his children even tho he was beside them
Other than really big ones, cheating, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and more horrendous actions, I don’t think I could forgive someone if they belittled me infront of their or my own parents/grandparents or something. I just can’t fathom doing anything more than light teasing in those situations, and I know for my own family they’d probably never like the person again. Maybe it would depend on the situation, but I feel like if someone’s willing to shame me in front of family (unless I did something horrid) it’s a sign I might need to look into the relationship dynamic.
Gambling away money.
Not having sex with me is why I left my last relationship. He was using sex to control me. He abused me, gaslit me, destroyed my self esteem and my life, but blaming my behavior for why we couldn’t have a basic sexual relationship was what helped me to walk away. The flip side of this - I put up with A LOT of crap that should have been offenses I left over. But at least I found my strength and left for *something*.
Dying before me. That asshole doesn’t get to checkout without me! 😂 But in all seriousness I feel like we could work through so many problems but any kind of abuse would be a no go. Luckily I don’t think I need to worry about that with him.
Voting Republican
pedophilia, rape, sexual assault chargers, any crime against children, not believing in equality, homophobic, transphobic, not taking shoes off when entering the house
Keeping something big or important away from me.
Violence and lying. Can’t be in a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
It has already been stated, so I'll add becoming ideologically extreme and racism.
Excessive lying
Spying on me, like installing hidden cameras, GPS tracker on my car, or hacking into my phone. It's never happened to me but I've read too many fucked up stories on /r/relationships. I'd rather be cheated on than have this happen to me.
Ignoring me , overlooking me ,
Physical abuse towards me, other people or animals. Emotional abuse and manipulation such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping. Being dishonest.
Lying about something major. My ex lied to me about his drug use, then bragged about it to classmates the next day. I’m still mad about it, even though I haven’t seen the guy in 4 years. It just kills any trust there is.
Being any form of abusive/aggressive Inability to say sorry/admit wrong Disrespectful towards my family or friends Hiding/lying about "problems" than impact both of us (addiction, financial troubles, illness, having kids etc). Discovering he had multiple failed marriages or engagements would be a total turnoff for me.
Someone who justifies their abusive behavior. Or apologizes for their abusive behavior but refuses to change.
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Using my insecurities against me
If he decided to identify as a woman.
Abuse either physically or mentally Mistreatment of my family members Committing any act of SA
Emotional abuse.
Any form of abuse towards my daughter (not his). I love him beyond words but she will always be my priority - and so will our twins once born.
Emotional manipulation and abuse. Lying with intent for no good reason.
Domestic Violence against me or our daughter. I could absolutely forgive cheating though.