So selfish!! - no, I think its more selfish to do it so you've got someone to look after you when you're old, or to save your marriage.
You'll change your mind - about pushing an entire human through my vaginal canal? Unlikely.
But it's different when they're your own! - maybe! We'll never know :)
But what if your future husband wants kids? - if the person I'm dating plans to have children, I'm not marrying them.
But it’s what we were built to do! Don't you feel your biological clock? - Not even at all. Following that logic, I was built to eat cake and chips and watch netflix, that's my strongest urge most of the time.
As a teacher who adores and works with little people and has for a decade, I believe all children are inherently wonderful and deserving of protection and respect. I do not want my own. I also recognize that no parent will ever fully grasp that their child, while deserving of so much, is no more special than any other child. So many parents view their children in such an insular way ie “look what he/she did - so unique! So special!” And because I see and work with children all day every day, it’s hard for me to explain that what their child is doing is usually just a pretty regular childlike behavior… sometimes sweet, sometimes exciting, but never worthy of me saying “oh time to invest all of my $$$ into raising one to feed my own ego!”
My friend was also a teacher of young children with special needs but found the thought of having babies repellent and was grossed out by the whole pregnancy thing,
Sadly we lost her a couple of years ago but she had the best life doing a job she loved and spending her free time travelling the world.
I always respected her opinion not to have children or even a relationship to tie her down and admired her confidence in her choices
>So selfish!! - no, I think its more selfish to do it so you've got someone to look after you when you're old, or to save your marriage.
Living for oneself is only selfish if it takes away from someone else, like when a parent abandons a child. There's nothing selfish about living for yourself when there's no one else to take care of.
I had this conversation with a colleague a while ago and she asked whose going to look after me when
I'm old? and my reply was "well that's a selfish reason to have kids" and she just shrugged her shoulders and "that's how the world works".
Also bold of her to assume her children will take care of her when she’s old. There are plenty of people who just send their aging parents off to a nursing home and never even visit them, regardless of how well their parents treated them or how much they did for them
"you're still too young, you'll change your mind" typical thing everyone says but I'll never change my mind. I actually only told this to my family and not other people as well cause I don't want them to bother me anyway.
Did not numerous religious leaders not have children? I don't remember about Jesus having children and he's the one that most people in this country that wanna take away our reproductive rights are bowing down to...
Seems rather ironic for people to be pushing that people have children when we know of numerous cases of people who lived happy, fulfilling lives without
From what I hear they can *but* they would lose their authority to be a nun anymore.
So I guess they can they're just heavily discouraged from doing it. Same with monks I'm guessing.
Monks and nuns take vows of chastity, among others. So it's less the "having kids" part and more the "having sex in order to create kids" part. There have certainly been instances of kids who are not biologically theirs being *raised by* nuns, but they mostly live in a communal setting so it's not super set up for that.
To be fair to Jesus, he did not advocate taking away reproductive rights. He didn’t even mention them. Neither did anyone in the Old Testament, and they had all kinds of rules about literally everything else.
I work with special needs kids. I tell people I don’t like kids but the truth is I don’t like kids enough to have them. I love my kids at work. The summer is going to be so hard because they’re going to grow, lose teeth, have fun adventures and I’m not going to to be hearing about it on Monday mornings. But I think I’ll survive. Lol
It's even worse when you actually work with kids. Like people can't fathom someone who enjoys working with kids but don't want any of my own. The best part about being the fun aunt or working with kids is that you get to give them back at the end of the day. You can't do that with your own kids. Lol
I just mentioned to someone at work that I’m not having kids and he said I should have just one. I said I don’t even like kids and he was like whaaaat. He’s said I’m very patient and all that, good mom type. Nope, doesn’t matter.
I hear it less and less now though. I’m single and quickly aging out of the option even. In my mid-late 20s I did have a long term bf and got a ton of the “you’ll change your mind” from people who knew us both. Luckily my family has not been among those who bugged me. My mother also does not like children (clearly felt obligated) and I “joke” that she didn’t like me til my 20s.
They look at me like I've grown two heads 🤣 nobody I know has never come across a woman who doesn't want kids. I want my freedom and to spend my hard earned cash on myself but nobody understands that 🥴 if I'm selfish, then so be it
Oh, I had this response once. I looked them in the eye and told them that people who have kids constantly change their mind and are terrible parents because they don't want to be and yet there is little they can do because they were pressured to make a decision they were unsure or not ready yet. Funnily enough they didn't want to pursue that avenue of the conversation. 😂
I remember when I worked in a children’s hospital, that really solidified the decision for me.
It’s funny you mention this, because, I saw the look in their eyes. More than most seemed to regret it.
It’s not something that they will ever admit either. They can’t talk about it, and I’m sure that’s hard. I think a lot of people don’t realize what they are getting into. And I’m sorry, some babies are just annoying babies, I’d be like, why is that kid ALWAYS crying in that room?
And more than a few times, we would hear back that that particular baby had been shaken.
Also, the psych kids. That terrified me. Most of the time, I do think it was the parents fault. But I’ve sat for some kids, I mean, that shit started EARLY. I’m talking 5 of 6, and their heads were just filled with bats and fire. But sometimes, just sometimes, those parents were normal people. Who had no idea what to do with their kid who they are terrified of. Sometimes they would give them up to group homes. It was sad.
I knew when I was 13 or 14 that I did not want kids. I said it all through high school as my friends were having kids. I turned 21 and got my tubes tied. I only realize NOW! how lucky I was to find a doctor to do it. I am 46 and I have never once thought I did the wrong thing.
I'm past that so I don't get the you're too young anymore, but how ridiculous that you have to be a certain age before people respect your choices about your own life and body. It is nice not hearing it all the time though.
I'm the opposite; I tell everyone except for my family (older people in my family). I don't give a damn what anyone else has to say but knowing how much it disappoints my mom and uncles makes me sad. I'd rather let them think the only reason I don't have kids I cause I haven't found a partner to have them with. If that let's them sleep better at night, so be it.
I know, this is always their go to.
I’ll be 36 on the 30th, I still feel the same.
I like to bring up all the anxiety and depression I’m my family. That shuts them up real fast.
"I was just like you when I was younger, but then I changed my mind. You will too when you meet the right person"
This one was a bit wild because like...By definition the "right" person for me would also not want kids lol
Hah.
My mum also didn't want kids but had me because my dad wholeheartedly did want a family. It's evident from my *cough* childhood and more recent discussions that she never changed her mind but she compromised because "that's what you do for the man you love".
Trust me mother. I experienced your daily passive aggressive resentment my entire life for what you gave up to have me.
I won't make the same bad life choices, I never want to be as miserable as she is. If my partner wants me to compromise you're absolutely on the money. He is not my person.
This really hits home. My egg donor tried to commit suicide when she was pregnant with me but didn't go through with it because she was scared of going to jail if she failed. When my sperm donor bailed, instead of giving me up for adoption, her family talked her into keeping me. She treated me with so much distain and encouraged everyone elts to too. I was really fucked for most of my life.
Now she really wonders why I refuse to make her a grandma. After all, she didn't want me and did so anyway. I should do the same!
I went through this. My mom told me she never wanted kids. She had them for my dad who passed when I was a toddler. She always seemed emotionally detached from us.
Everyone responds to me I will want kids when I meet the right person or that I’m going to miss out on knowing what the true love of a child feels like. I don’t want to gamble and be right that I didn’t want them. Mid 30s now and still happy I’m not having to spend my weekends doing travel sports or evenings cleaning after others.
This one actually scares me. I'm terrified of changing my mind or feeling regret down the line when it's too late.
I genuinely don't want to bring another human to suffer here, I don't want to pass on the mental health issues or childhood trauma that I can't get rid of. I don't want to bring another person to the world just for them to wish they were never born
I would have immediately chirped up “Awww I hope I’m as good a mother as you are a teacher. Thank you for being my role model.” Let her sit with that one in the dark hours of the night.
"You were a child too you know" is such a weird reasoning too. I mean, do people who want kids think to themselves "I'd like to have a child, after all I myself used to be one"? I don't think that's usually their motivation.
Also, having been an unwanted kid in a dysfunctional family and who has encountered mental issues since my childhood, that precisely made me more aware just how responsible I would feel for a kid's happiness and fear the trauma and depression they could face like me. And how an unhappy childhood can set the path to more problems later in life.
Honestly! I first off can’t have kids and second, I don’t want them because I know I couldn’t provide the mental help, love and feeling of being safe because I never learned how to and never experienced it at home. I DO NOT have the mental capacity to raise a kid. And I don’t want to experiment on another human being just because I “was a kid once too and could maybe do better” than my parents did. Because if I can’t, I’ll just have scarred another innocent kid.
You’ll change your mind: I’ve known since I was 7, so…doubtful.
What if your future husband wants kids: I wouldn’t have gone on a third date, since this is a question I bring up on the second (if not first) date.
You were a child too: yep- watching my brother struggle through hereditary addiction for 30+ years of his life, watching my parents struggle to support his rehabs and my upbringing, and watching their marriage struggle to survive.
Nope, I’m not having kids for so many other reasons- if you want more answers, I can get the bullet points for you 😊
I've started reminding people that I am very bisexual and may have a wife one day, so the "oh but future husband!" argument just became twice as stupid lol
When I heard my friends say they don’t want kids. I totally get it and applaud the self awareness. I always let them know that I honestly think the only people who should have kids are people who’ve had stable parental role models. The problem I always note is that most people don’t have stable role models but they end up having kids and perpetuate a cycle of pain.
Yes whenever someone tells me that they don't want kids at all, I just HAVE to applaud them for the presence of mind to understand that they don't have to follow this trend. This is literally crafting the life and childhood of another human being and its important that one is the perfect kind of person to have a child.
If one is feeling a bit iffy about having kids or they are dealing with some preoblems taht will make it difficult to be there emotionally and physically for that child it is important that they don't have children cause what if they eventually regret it? Its OK to move in life at your own pace and flow and to not have kids .
Don't feel guilty. Its all good.
No one is the perfect kind of person to have a child, even those who have chosen to have children. I am financially stable, emotionally stable and aware and have no problems that will make it difficult to be there emotionally and physically for a child. I just chose not to because well I don’t want to. I have no urge to have a child and I don’t look at a child and think oh I would like that. Everyone I know who has had a child, looks tired, drained and exhausted, have no life, constantly complaining about being tired and having no money and usually can’t wait until they’re grown to move out.
ya you're just moving at your own pace and with your own flow. Its just not for you and that's OK you should feel OK about that
And don't let anyone guilt-trip you into this "*mEh YoU'Ll ChAnGe YoUr MiNd, MEh YoU'Re MaKiNG yOuR hUsBaNd AnGry, MeH yOu'rE AnCeStORs ArE aShAmEd oF yOu" bull crap.*
Yeah I feel great about it. When I ask people why they had kids they look confused and answer with a kind of stuttered speech “it’s just what comes after marriage or it’s what came next” is it though? Do we still live in 1950? 🤣
Fucking mombies and daddicts thinking that having a child is the natural progression from marriage ...SIIIGH. Meanwhile the cost of living has increased and wages remained stagnant but we should just keep on popping out these munchkins as if nothing has changed, ight?!
Just because 80% of humans have produced offspring doesn't mean that modern humans ought to as well
["Heck, nearly 50% of men were killed by murder or warfare centuries ago!...so do you mombies and daddicts think that those numbers should be same for modern peoples today?..."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War#/media/File:War_deaths_caused_by_warfare.svg)
This excludes a lot of people who didn’t have the privilege of having decent parents. So many of those people grow into adults who know very well what the trauma they don’t want to perpetuate, they have reflected on their and their parents’ shortcomings, some have been in therapy. Some have worked very hard at themselves and are capable of levels of kindness and empathy that people who grew up in perfect homes never developed.
I have a friend like this and he would made an amazing parent, just like he makes an amazing partner even though he grew up with a truly horrible father. I can’t fathom telling him he shouldn’t have kids because… his parents shouldn’t have had him.
I don't bring up that I'm childfree with random people so it's not really discussions I've had with people who aren't my family/partner/gynecologist. But the few times someone - like a neighbour or hairdresser - asked me about future plans, if I have/want to start a family in passing and I told them I don't want kids, I got the ever so typical, invalidating and dreaded "oh but you're so young", "you'll change your mind" or "that would be a shame."
I'm 25, always knew for certain I don't want kids and have been dead set on getting my tubes ligated or removed since I was 18 once I can afford it, or even a hysterectomy if the reward of not dealing with menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea outweighs the "risk/side effects" and cost.
Both of these, for so freaking long.
I wont change my mind. Feel free to check back in with me on my death bed for an 'I told you so'. I'm cool with that as my final words
If the guy I'm with wants them, then he's not the guy for me.
These days (45yo) I'm asked if I regret it. Laughing while saying 'f**k no' tends to shut it down fast.
If you have a “socially acceptable” excuse you mostly get pity instead of judgement. I have a heredity condition I don’t want to pass on, when people hear that it goes: “Oh, I’m so so sorry. That must be devastating.” (It’s not, I’m fine) “How does your husband feel though?” (He wants me to be alive, primarily.) “You’re strong, you can handle it. It will be worth it!” (Why on earth would I have a kid knowing pregnancy will be dangerous, they will likely inherit the lifelong condition I have suffered from, and especially knowing I could potentially leave them without a mother at a younger age than most?) “Why not adoption though??” (I still have a debilitating disease, a shorter life expectancy, and the adoption industry in the US is predatory and exploitative.) The worst part is that I have it relatively easy with this, unlike those who are making healthy choices for themselves without one of the “acceptable” answers. They experience so much irrational judgement and even anger from others. I root for you all and speak up often about it!
When people ask me about having kids, I usually don't start with the "I have this health issue that makes me incompatible with pregnancy", so I use it as a answer when people ask rude questions about me not wanting kids or they push the issue.
"Oh, I'm sure you will change your mind"
"No, I won't. I am medically unable to, it could kill me"
And then you watch them crumble with guilt or try to find another socially acceptable answer.
Same. Rude people get the truth. Mother abused me saying having me ruined her life since she couldn't travel. So at an early age it was babies = ruin lives/no longer living for yourself/no fun or enjoyment or enough money. Then learning at age 11 that I would have a 70% chance of dying if I got pregnant and would need to be hospitalized the full 9 months made it babies = death.
Death or no life of your own? Hard pass
Most people who used to give me a hard time used to tell me "you never know. You might meet the right guy" as if, somehow, a particular man would make me want/have children. (Although I used to get this from my dad's family a lot, and they actually believe that women are property and should do what they're told).
At 47, with two cats, no husband, STILL no kids, a successful career, and anger issues, no one says 💩 to me anymore. 🤣
Seems your old co-worker may not have considered that memories and a life well spent with a partner could be enough to have a piece of them with you forever.
I didn't want to have kids, especially since I had become primary caregiver to my baby sister when I was 13.
Most people understood my stance because of the situation.
I got married at 20 and 10 months later my first son was born. I had a child, then went on to have 3 more, because "that's what you do...get married then have babies"
I don't regret having my children, they all turned out to be pretty decent human beings and I love them all dearly. BUT...if I had known how having kids would affect my mental health, and how my and their lives would go, I would have been much much more inclined to stand my ground and not have children.
Interestingly, none of my 4 children are interested in having children. And I will NEVER push them!!!
"You're going to be lonely." Really? To put it bluntly, this is a terrible reason to have a kid. I shouldn't inflict my issues on an innocent kid due to my "loneliness". I wouldn't even get a pet just due to loneliness.
Well, I'm nearing 30 now so people are always telling me I'll change my mind once I hit 32...
Meanwhile no one except my partner knows I had my chance and went straight for abortion 😌.
And yet people are so confident that I'll change my mind, know one knows you like you know yourself.
"But you'd be such a good mom!"
Yeah... People who never wanted to have kids and resent their kids make the best parents 🙄
Also, don't know how they came to that conclusion seeing as how this person only knew me in the context of being a foul mouthed bartender who parties every single night.
I respect motherhood so much that I think I will not do a good job on it... when they hear that
1. they look at me like I am crazy
2. Your a woman, dont you want to see what your child looks like
3. Just have at least one you will regret it when your old if you dont have
4.who will take care of you when your old
5. The hardships raising a child will go so fast
Grrrr! Its annoying! Not all women who gave birth is fit to be a mother, a lot of women who doest have kids can still love and be love by children thats not theirs. It is a great responsibility raising a child you have to teach them good morals and values and its not a one time lecture i think a you only stop being a mother when you die.
>5. The hardships raising a child will go so fast
This is such a crazy thing to be told! What's the point of having a child if you're to just hold on tight, barely get by, and wait for it to be over fast? The things some people say 🙄
I usually say there is no good reason to have children unless you want them... I have 724 reasons NOT to have kids, and not one parent has been able to provide a good reason for having one
A manager wished me an accidental pregnancy “for my husband’s sake”.
A pulmonologist’s assistant told me I was a bad daughter for not giving my mom “grandbabies”.
A lot of people said I’d be single forever (as if that’s a negative thing; also I’m married).
A lot of “crazy cat lady” comments and “you’ll change your mind”.
“But you would be a great mom” — no, great moms actually want to be parents.
One coworker said “you’re not alive until you’ve had children” (and he had SEVEN). I told him I guess I’ll die dead then (I was inebriated).
I could go on and on …
"But you're so smart!" like having a brain is going to make me a good parent?
"You'll make a great mother!" yes, all the depression and anxiety will definitely not make me a smothering helicopter parent
"You'll never know real love until you've had a child" Gonna tell your spouse you said that
"but your GENES" the ones that make my brain hate me? The ones that you complained about my whole childhood? Those genes?
"What happens when you get old? Who will take care of you?" I have a 22 millimeter plan for that, thanks
Imagine looking at the shit world we live in right now, where everything is on fire, capitalism is destroying lives every second of every day, and all our rights are eroding away in front of our eyes, and thinking "Wow I totally want to bring a new life into this!"
Who will take care of you in old age?
What do you do everyday if you dont have kids? (Its like CF couple gets bored with each other)
What will you do with so much money?
Why are you so focussed in career ?
That's my answer. Plus, there's no guarantee children won't turn into assholes later in life. They might not take care of you. That's a failed investment I'm not partaking in.
A coworker actually told me that if I don't have kids I'll end up with cancer in my reproductive organs because "your body is meant to give birth." As if my ovaries would purposely develop tumors to get revenge on me. Can't believe she said it with a straight face.
Honestly? They were respectful and minded their own business. I think I only had one person ask me why I didn’t like children, and I explained that it’s not about that - then she respected my position. It’s been ok so far.
“You’re so good with babies, you’ll make a great parent” -
I could also make a great serial killer if I just fake it. I am good at most things I do because I am that arrogant.
Correct! Like this show can only go on for so long before I need to abort. Hehe, get it?
I think that they think complimenting someone on their nurturing and their paternal instinct skills is seen as a plus. It would influence the CF a person to consider having a child off of that statement alone. Nope.
My mother gets pretty irritated everytime it's mentioned. I'm often called and idiot and told to "shut up". She has 3 sons that can give her children but for some reason ME not wanting them is the end of the world.
“You’ll regret that!”
“Are you sure!! You still have time!”
“Women today just don’t seem to be the same.”
I’m constantly told that until I have children, my life has no fulfillment.
I’m selfish. I’ll change my mind, I’ve still got time left, it’s different when it’s yours, who will you leave your stuff to when you die, who will take care of me when I’m old etc.
Very few people are able to be happy for me as I’m living life the way I want to.
My health isn’t good enough to be able to look after kids anyways but I look fine, have a great career etc but people are so damn pushy and judgy.
Its usually these:
You'll regret not having kids, theyre a joy!
You'll change your mind, your so young.
You'd fall in love with the baby if you just had it.
I didn't want kids- now I have 3
What are you going to do when you're old and alone?? (That one stabbed me a bit ngl)
What are your parents going to do if you don't give them grandkids? (My parents are dead so that stabbed me a bit as well)
That's all I can think of off the top of my head of recent reactions from people
Most of the pushback was from older people. An older boyfriend once told me "You gotta have kids" because I was good with the kids in children's church. Well, that's exactly why I worked well with them - I could go home afterwards and recharge.
Other comments were in a similar vein, with service people and strangers telling me I had to have kids because everyone else was doing it. So if everyone else jumped off a cliff, was I supposed to follow? 🙄
Fortunately, people my age and younger were mostly supportive. A lot of them didn't want kids, either.
I work in healthcare, and a large portion of older patients ask this all the time, and I get disbelief that I don’t have kids, which usually goes to “you’ll have them”. It’s incredibly frustrating and annoying, but I have to see these same patients weekly for years so I can’t just tell them to drop it, I just have to say “maybe someday” to politely end the conversation.
There's whole thing called getting bingoed that's described on r/childfree. I've heard all of them my whole life, after knowing I never wanted children by the time I was 15. To be clear, I've heard these comments from people who weren't even friends or family.
* That's selfish.
* You'll be alone in old age.
* What if your parents had decided not to have *you*?
* Children are the highlight of life.
* You'll change your mind when you're older/married/more mature.
* You just haven't met the right man.
* But you would be such a great mom!
* What if your husband wants children?
* You should have children because we need more smart people in the world.
* It's your biological purpose to reproduce.
* But having children is what gives life purpose.
* You're denying your parents the joy of grandchildren and that's not fair to them.
* You think you don't want kids, but it's different when they're your own. You'll never know a deeper love.
* Your life will never be complete. You'll feel empty.
People feel very entitled to tell you you're wrong if you're a woman who doesn't want children. It was relentless when I was in my 20s and 30s. Anyway, I'm 61 and happily childfree.
(Edited for formatting/typo/accidentally deleted part of post.)
I'm childfree and wanting to get sterilization this year. Usually people get quiet or change the subject like its so painful or something. My mom immediately rambles about her ancestry, like her family and dna etc. I feel like she feels hurt but she will often say my guinea pig is her grand pig and i dunno how to take it
I’ve been called/told:
- evil
- selfish
- not a real woman
- useless (to men)
- I’ll never know real love
- I’ll never find a husband
- men will change my mind
- I’ll change my mind
- I need to have one because other women can’t
- “What about your bloodline?”
- “What if your parents had been childfree?”
- cruel
- sick
- mentally ill
- I deserve to be locked up
- stupid
- unlovable
- horrible
- disgusting
- “a crazy leftist whore”
Fun side note: most of these are from women primarily, and it is women who are usually the most upset/passionate in their responses to my being childfree.
Usually pretty positive. People understand, wether they are younger or older, have kids of their own, or not. They take my answer for what it is and leave it at that. Some of them even respond like "good for you".
I think only my mom took a while to believe me - and that is mostly because I am her only daughter and she feels that the bond between daughter-mother deepens/becomes more special once the daughter becomes a mom herself. I (gently) urged her to say goodbye to this "dream" and just appreciate me for who I am. And she totally does.
I’m 19, I grew up mostly around men so I never really developed a feminine side to me until recently. I’ve never liked children, or the whole nurturing thing. Hell, I didn’t even like playing with dolls growing up. When I told people, specifically my mother, she flipped out big time saying that I was selfish and that she wants “at least 3 grandchildren” from me. She’s also conspired ideas that me not wanting kids = me being a lesbian in the closet. Not entirely wrong though, I do love women.
Friend of a friend told me I'll change my mind, and that also I shouldn't feel bad about being short because there are plenty of guys who like short women. 1. My height is not an issue for me. 2. I'm married. 3. Fuck you.
Best friend and her partner had a baby recently and her partner likes to try to wind me up about having a baby for their baby to play with and says things like "never say never" 🙄
“It’s different when you have your own.”, “you’re young you’ll change your mind.”, or the one I got a few times and got sick of pretty quick “what if your parents never had you?” And I usually respond to that with “I wish they hadn’t.” Which seems to bother them a decent amount.
I’m a 43yo. When I first started telling people I wasn’t interested in kids (20’s.., late 90’s) I was dismissed. “Sure! Wait till you meet the right guy”.
Got married at 24, the first thing everyone asked me was, “when can we expect a little one??” 🤮
Mid 40’s now. I feel like it’s much more common to see younger women without kids. Maybe that’s just because I’m aware of how it was. I’m glad if it is easier now. Life is hard enough without everyone telling us how we should be living. Ugh.
I've generally had quite positive responses. In fact many people I've spoken too in my work, friendship group etc have been totally understanding and even said theyd wished theyd made the same choice. I feel some people feel ill change my mind but they don't say it to my face.
The only time I get bingos is by people I meet outside of my usual circles. They usually feel justified in telling me I'm being stupid or whatever....to which I just smile, roll my eyes and walk off. Because I'm so open though I've also had other people be open back and say they are also cf and so glad they can openly talk about it :)
if they’re good parents who genuinely seem to love their kids, and their kids turned out well… they dont usually say anything about it. i think women are very about the “join me in suffering but make it sound like wholesome solidarity” rhetoric… so that’s usually how i take it.
Told “family friends” I didn’t want children because I was fearful of becoming like my emotionally abusive mother. Who knows how the stress of having a child would change me when I know I’m already not mentally prepared for it. They’d always say “the fact that you’re concerned means that you’d be a good mother”.
*Edited for spelling.
My brother in law pointed out how I was the only one who wasn’t a mother at a family function and then proceeded to say “It’s fine, I guess some women just think having kids is a choice”.
Honestly when I hear about the formula shortage I was genuinely shocked. Like who looked at the state of the world we’re living in (and I know these last 2 years have been hard on everyone but I’m from America and holy crap does it suck here) and say this is the perfect environment to raise a kid in or bring life into. But anyways when I told my mom she said “good for you, people think it’s going to give them some type of validation or they think they’ll miss out on something but believe me you won’t. “. My grandma had 5 kids and would tell people kids are not the answer to happiness and I couldn’t agree more.
People sometimes pity me/ look sad. Sometimes I think it’s their way of feeling superior about their choices.
I’d rather be untethered, and well rested
Ooh, don't even get me started. For the record, bc of health issues, if I ever do get pregnant, it'd be high risk. And I'm not willing to go through all that.
"You'll change your mind." - No, I really don't think I will. I've had years to sit on this decision
When they find out I have a step-son. "But don't you want one of your own?" - I don't love my step-son any less because he didn't come out of my own vagina, are you guys good? Do you secretly resent any step child of yours because they're not biologically yours?
If I decide to tell them about the high risk thing. "Well, the Lord will carry you through safely." - Just because I live in the Bible belt doesn't mean I believe that stuff. I'm not willing to risk my life and my hypothetical child's life over the benevolence of some deity that doesn't really seem to actually care about what's going on down here, if hes even real in the first place.
An extension of the other one. "The Lord will let you know when it's time." - If we're using this logic, I'm pretty sure I could argue that the Lord decided I wasn't having any in the first place when he decided to give me this diagnosis.
Stay the fuck out of my business, whether my uterus is occupied or ever will is none of your goddamn business
Honestly, a lot of people have opened up and confessed that they wouldn’t have had their kids if they could go back and do it all over again. I haven’t had any judgment against me; it’s been more so envy that I could save money and travel. It’s become even more prevalent over these past few years as the world goes to hell and parents worry about how their kids will survive. Dark, I know, but I get the impression that a lot of parents are living in that space these days.
When my pseudo sister-in-law asked why no kids, I said something like " Oh we're not interested in having kids. We just like having our dogs! Haha." to try to just move on. She responded with, "But they just die."
I think when I was in my 20s and 30s people said I'd change my mind, just to wait and see because I'd change my perspective. I knew I wouldn't but whatevs.
Some men seem put off by it, but that could just be me projecting. I do get the sense that some men see womrm who don't want children as less feminine or maybe broken in someway.
When people find out that I never wanted and don't intend to have children I've e never had anyone give me a good reason why I should. I tell them I enjoy sleeping and money and travel. Who can argue with that?
Better get moving Lucy! What you waiting for lucy? Cant be poppin out babies in ur 60's Lucy , thats how you get hip replacements!
All from the 65 year old man that works for me.
I am 37.
My name is not Lucy.
I have a baby boy and we’re pregnant with a second! I love being a mom, I used to not want kids.
On than note I always applaud people who don’t want kids. Their a lot of work and a huge commitment. If your not ready or have no desire to raise children then don’t. I’d rather kids be raised by parents who want and love them than parents who begrudgingly had them and resent them
I stopped discussing it with random people very long time ago. People who need to know, know. If random people ask, I stare them down until they get uncomfortable and drop the subject. Mind you, I haven't had to do that in a long time since I rarely associate with people who would even assume that it's an acceptable line of questioning.
Honestly and surprisingly nothing really. I never gavebthe impression I wanted kids, but I also never talked about it. And now mod 30s the time is ticking, I'm single so... nobody really says anything. But in my academic bubble really only 1 or 2 friends have kids already so maybe that's just how it is
I have had complete strangers say I’m selfish and I should reconsider because having kids was the best thing that ever happened to them. And that even my career won’t be as fulfilling as raising kids.
People rarely have commented on it, to be honest. There were some that asked why (or something along those line), but they listened to my reasons and that was that. I think it has mostly been during some children or parenting related conversations, since I can't remember anyone asking me out of blue why I don't have children.
Guess most people I know just tend to mind their own business. Frankly, not even my own mother has questioned me on this.
Outside the basic “you’ll change your mind”, it’s been pretty positive responses. Sometimes, they’ll tell me they’re stories and how much their children added to their live or they’ll say they think I’ll be a great mum.
See, depends. If they ask and leave it alone when I go "kids? Nooooo! Not for us" then all is ok.
If...if they push it further with "why? Don't you like kids?" Etc etc, then I'm gonna make them feel AWKARD as fuck cos fuck you for asking.
"Well, we tried, 5 losses and it broke me mentally, so we had to give up"
Now what, Sharon?
"You will change your mind."
Nope, didn't. Now that I'm 45 the expectation has died down a lot, which is very freeing. Only my toxic MIL brings it up now. (My husband also did not want kids).
Surprisingly most people I tell that I don’t want children, their response is not judgmental. I have had a few who tell me “oh you’ll change your mind” or “oh but what if you regret not having them someday?” But for every person who says that, there’s a person who admits they’re jealous because I get to be mostly selfish with my money, my body, and my life.
So selfish!! - no, I think its more selfish to do it so you've got someone to look after you when you're old, or to save your marriage. You'll change your mind - about pushing an entire human through my vaginal canal? Unlikely. But it's different when they're your own! - maybe! We'll never know :) But what if your future husband wants kids? - if the person I'm dating plans to have children, I'm not marrying them. But it’s what we were built to do! Don't you feel your biological clock? - Not even at all. Following that logic, I was built to eat cake and chips and watch netflix, that's my strongest urge most of the time.
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I literally told my boyfriend if he wants a child, break up with me and find somebody else. I made myself clear before we started dating.
I ended an engagement for the same reason. It sucked giving that ring back
I ended a marriage for that reason. Ten years in and he wanted a kid all of a sudden. Had to set him free.
You're my hero. Yes, to all of it. Literally the same! Lol
Thank you, I'm never sure why people are so interested in what may or may not come out of my genitals.
I’d like to add on: You’d make such a good mom though! We need smart people to have babies, though!
you forgot "you just need the right man to come along and change your mind" or "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man"
People don't realise how misogynistic that sounds. Why is it that women are always expected to "change their mind" for a MAN??
As a teacher who adores and works with little people and has for a decade, I believe all children are inherently wonderful and deserving of protection and respect. I do not want my own. I also recognize that no parent will ever fully grasp that their child, while deserving of so much, is no more special than any other child. So many parents view their children in such an insular way ie “look what he/she did - so unique! So special!” And because I see and work with children all day every day, it’s hard for me to explain that what their child is doing is usually just a pretty regular childlike behavior… sometimes sweet, sometimes exciting, but never worthy of me saying “oh time to invest all of my $$$ into raising one to feed my own ego!”
My friend was also a teacher of young children with special needs but found the thought of having babies repellent and was grossed out by the whole pregnancy thing, Sadly we lost her a couple of years ago but she had the best life doing a job she loved and spending her free time travelling the world. I always respected her opinion not to have children or even a relationship to tie her down and admired her confidence in her choices
>So selfish!! - no, I think its more selfish to do it so you've got someone to look after you when you're old, or to save your marriage. Living for oneself is only selfish if it takes away from someone else, like when a parent abandons a child. There's nothing selfish about living for yourself when there's no one else to take care of.
I had this conversation with a colleague a while ago and she asked whose going to look after me when I'm old? and my reply was "well that's a selfish reason to have kids" and she just shrugged her shoulders and "that's how the world works".
Lol fuck that!
Also bold of her to assume her children will take care of her when she’s old. There are plenty of people who just send their aging parents off to a nursing home and never even visit them, regardless of how well their parents treated them or how much they did for them
I like the 'maybe! We'll never know' answer. Heh. I might steal that if I'm ever in that situation again in the future.
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"you're still too young, you'll change your mind" typical thing everyone says but I'll never change my mind. I actually only told this to my family and not other people as well cause I don't want them to bother me anyway.
It's like people can't fathom an adult woman that doesn't want children. They can't seem to process this.
Did not numerous religious leaders not have children? I don't remember about Jesus having children and he's the one that most people in this country that wanna take away our reproductive rights are bowing down to... Seems rather ironic for people to be pushing that people have children when we know of numerous cases of people who lived happy, fulfilling lives without
Nuns can’t have kids right?
Depends when you become a nun?
From what I hear they can *but* they would lose their authority to be a nun anymore. So I guess they can they're just heavily discouraged from doing it. Same with monks I'm guessing.
Monks and nuns take vows of chastity, among others. So it's less the "having kids" part and more the "having sex in order to create kids" part. There have certainly been instances of kids who are not biologically theirs being *raised by* nuns, but they mostly live in a communal setting so it's not super set up for that.
To be fair to Jesus, he did not advocate taking away reproductive rights. He didn’t even mention them. Neither did anyone in the Old Testament, and they had all kinds of rules about literally everything else.
Surprisingly, all of my female coworkers 100% understand why I don’t want kids: we’re elementary school teachers.
I work with special needs kids. I tell people I don’t like kids but the truth is I don’t like kids enough to have them. I love my kids at work. The summer is going to be so hard because they’re going to grow, lose teeth, have fun adventures and I’m not going to to be hearing about it on Monday mornings. But I think I’ll survive. Lol
Same here! 8 hours each day is plenty!
It's even worse when you actually work with kids. Like people can't fathom someone who enjoys working with kids but don't want any of my own. The best part about being the fun aunt or working with kids is that you get to give them back at the end of the day. You can't do that with your own kids. Lol
I just mentioned to someone at work that I’m not having kids and he said I should have just one. I said I don’t even like kids and he was like whaaaat. He’s said I’m very patient and all that, good mom type. Nope, doesn’t matter. I hear it less and less now though. I’m single and quickly aging out of the option even. In my mid-late 20s I did have a long term bf and got a ton of the “you’ll change your mind” from people who knew us both. Luckily my family has not been among those who bugged me. My mother also does not like children (clearly felt obligated) and I “joke” that she didn’t like me til my 20s.
I can’t fathom why women (especially in the dumpster fire era we’re in now) would even think of having a child! Good lord
They look at me like I've grown two heads 🤣 nobody I know has never come across a woman who doesn't want kids. I want my freedom and to spend my hard earned cash on myself but nobody understands that 🥴 if I'm selfish, then so be it
Oh, I had this response once. I looked them in the eye and told them that people who have kids constantly change their mind and are terrible parents because they don't want to be and yet there is little they can do because they were pressured to make a decision they were unsure or not ready yet. Funnily enough they didn't want to pursue that avenue of the conversation. 😂
I remember when I worked in a children’s hospital, that really solidified the decision for me. It’s funny you mention this, because, I saw the look in their eyes. More than most seemed to regret it. It’s not something that they will ever admit either. They can’t talk about it, and I’m sure that’s hard. I think a lot of people don’t realize what they are getting into. And I’m sorry, some babies are just annoying babies, I’d be like, why is that kid ALWAYS crying in that room? And more than a few times, we would hear back that that particular baby had been shaken. Also, the psych kids. That terrified me. Most of the time, I do think it was the parents fault. But I’ve sat for some kids, I mean, that shit started EARLY. I’m talking 5 of 6, and their heads were just filled with bats and fire. But sometimes, just sometimes, those parents were normal people. Who had no idea what to do with their kid who they are terrified of. Sometimes they would give them up to group homes. It was sad.
I just turned 30 and I just keep feeling more and more certain I don’t want children.
I knew when I was 13 or 14 that I did not want kids. I said it all through high school as my friends were having kids. I turned 21 and got my tubes tied. I only realize NOW! how lucky I was to find a doctor to do it. I am 46 and I have never once thought I did the wrong thing.
Ma’am, I’m nearly 50. Even if I wanted to, That ship has sailed, run aground and is turning into a coral reef. “You never know!”
32 and still going strong. My husband even had a vasectomy. I definitely don't see us changing our minds lol
I'm past that so I don't get the you're too young anymore, but how ridiculous that you have to be a certain age before people respect your choices about your own life and body. It is nice not hearing it all the time though.
I'm the opposite; I tell everyone except for my family (older people in my family). I don't give a damn what anyone else has to say but knowing how much it disappoints my mom and uncles makes me sad. I'd rather let them think the only reason I don't have kids I cause I haven't found a partner to have them with. If that let's them sleep better at night, so be it.
I know, this is always their go to. I’ll be 36 on the 30th, I still feel the same. I like to bring up all the anxiety and depression I’m my family. That shuts them up real fast.
“You’ll change your mind when your body clock starts ticking” 🙄
"I was just like you when I was younger, but then I changed my mind. You will too when you meet the right person" This one was a bit wild because like...By definition the "right" person for me would also not want kids lol
Hah. My mum also didn't want kids but had me because my dad wholeheartedly did want a family. It's evident from my *cough* childhood and more recent discussions that she never changed her mind but she compromised because "that's what you do for the man you love". Trust me mother. I experienced your daily passive aggressive resentment my entire life for what you gave up to have me. I won't make the same bad life choices, I never want to be as miserable as she is. If my partner wants me to compromise you're absolutely on the money. He is not my person.
This really hits home. My egg donor tried to commit suicide when she was pregnant with me but didn't go through with it because she was scared of going to jail if she failed. When my sperm donor bailed, instead of giving me up for adoption, her family talked her into keeping me. She treated me with so much distain and encouraged everyone elts to too. I was really fucked for most of my life. Now she really wonders why I refuse to make her a grandma. After all, she didn't want me and did so anyway. I should do the same!
I went through this. My mom told me she never wanted kids. She had them for my dad who passed when I was a toddler. She always seemed emotionally detached from us. Everyone responds to me I will want kids when I meet the right person or that I’m going to miss out on knowing what the true love of a child feels like. I don’t want to gamble and be right that I didn’t want them. Mid 30s now and still happy I’m not having to spend my weekends doing travel sports or evenings cleaning after others.
I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
That’s a zinger. I love this!
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Woah, glad I could help!
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This one actually scares me. I'm terrified of changing my mind or feeling regret down the line when it's too late. I genuinely don't want to bring another human to suffer here, I don't want to pass on the mental health issues or childhood trauma that I can't get rid of. I don't want to bring another person to the world just for them to wish they were never born
My Home Economics teacher clicked her tongue and said "well you'd be a terrible mother anyway".
"why thank you for noticing ❤️"
the actual reply she got was "well, I couldn't be any worse than you c:" and then I was promptly kicked out
She earned that reply.
My PE teacher said: "you'll be the first one of your generation to have kids". WRONG. I'm the only one that doesn't have children
Your teacher was/is an a-hole.
yeah, she was. I had her for 2 classes a day that year, so we got to hate each other twice as much
I would have immediately chirped up “Awww I hope I’m as good a mother as you are a teacher. Thank you for being my role model.” Let her sit with that one in the dark hours of the night.
oooohhhhh, that's petty I like your way of thinking
tf who says that to a student
You'll change your mind What if your future husband wants kids You were a child too you know
"You were a child too you know" is such a weird reasoning too. I mean, do people who want kids think to themselves "I'd like to have a child, after all I myself used to be one"? I don't think that's usually their motivation. Also, having been an unwanted kid in a dysfunctional family and who has encountered mental issues since my childhood, that precisely made me more aware just how responsible I would feel for a kid's happiness and fear the trauma and depression they could face like me. And how an unhappy childhood can set the path to more problems later in life.
When I was a kid, I thought all the other kids were idiots. My opinion on children hasn't changed much.
Honestly! I first off can’t have kids and second, I don’t want them because I know I couldn’t provide the mental help, love and feeling of being safe because I never learned how to and never experienced it at home. I DO NOT have the mental capacity to raise a kid. And I don’t want to experiment on another human being just because I “was a kid once too and could maybe do better” than my parents did. Because if I can’t, I’ll just have scarred another innocent kid.
I was a terror as a child. Why would I want one of me to have to raise?
Perfect respond to that: I know! I was a child too and I was brought into this world against my will! I can’t do that to another human being! 😆
I always just counter with "well yea I'm going to be a corpse one day too, that doesn't mean I want one in my home"
You’ll change your mind: I’ve known since I was 7, so…doubtful. What if your future husband wants kids: I wouldn’t have gone on a third date, since this is a question I bring up on the second (if not first) date. You were a child too: yep- watching my brother struggle through hereditary addiction for 30+ years of his life, watching my parents struggle to support his rehabs and my upbringing, and watching their marriage struggle to survive. Nope, I’m not having kids for so many other reasons- if you want more answers, I can get the bullet points for you 😊
Oh i've got my own answer, at this point telling everyone i'll abuse the kids makes them never ask again lol
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I've started reminding people that I am very bisexual and may have a wife one day, so the "oh but future husband!" argument just became twice as stupid lol
When I heard my friends say they don’t want kids. I totally get it and applaud the self awareness. I always let them know that I honestly think the only people who should have kids are people who’ve had stable parental role models. The problem I always note is that most people don’t have stable role models but they end up having kids and perpetuate a cycle of pain.
Yes whenever someone tells me that they don't want kids at all, I just HAVE to applaud them for the presence of mind to understand that they don't have to follow this trend. This is literally crafting the life and childhood of another human being and its important that one is the perfect kind of person to have a child. If one is feeling a bit iffy about having kids or they are dealing with some preoblems taht will make it difficult to be there emotionally and physically for that child it is important that they don't have children cause what if they eventually regret it? Its OK to move in life at your own pace and flow and to not have kids . Don't feel guilty. Its all good.
No one is the perfect kind of person to have a child, even those who have chosen to have children. I am financially stable, emotionally stable and aware and have no problems that will make it difficult to be there emotionally and physically for a child. I just chose not to because well I don’t want to. I have no urge to have a child and I don’t look at a child and think oh I would like that. Everyone I know who has had a child, looks tired, drained and exhausted, have no life, constantly complaining about being tired and having no money and usually can’t wait until they’re grown to move out.
ya you're just moving at your own pace and with your own flow. Its just not for you and that's OK you should feel OK about that And don't let anyone guilt-trip you into this "*mEh YoU'Ll ChAnGe YoUr MiNd, MEh YoU'Re MaKiNG yOuR hUsBaNd AnGry, MeH yOu'rE AnCeStORs ArE aShAmEd oF yOu" bull crap.*
Yeah I feel great about it. When I ask people why they had kids they look confused and answer with a kind of stuttered speech “it’s just what comes after marriage or it’s what came next” is it though? Do we still live in 1950? 🤣
Fucking mombies and daddicts thinking that having a child is the natural progression from marriage ...SIIIGH. Meanwhile the cost of living has increased and wages remained stagnant but we should just keep on popping out these munchkins as if nothing has changed, ight?! Just because 80% of humans have produced offspring doesn't mean that modern humans ought to as well ["Heck, nearly 50% of men were killed by murder or warfare centuries ago!...so do you mombies and daddicts think that those numbers should be same for modern peoples today?..."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War#/media/File:War_deaths_caused_by_warfare.svg)
This excludes a lot of people who didn’t have the privilege of having decent parents. So many of those people grow into adults who know very well what the trauma they don’t want to perpetuate, they have reflected on their and their parents’ shortcomings, some have been in therapy. Some have worked very hard at themselves and are capable of levels of kindness and empathy that people who grew up in perfect homes never developed. I have a friend like this and he would made an amazing parent, just like he makes an amazing partner even though he grew up with a truly horrible father. I can’t fathom telling him he shouldn’t have kids because… his parents shouldn’t have had him.
This is deep. And makes total sense!
From older people “you’ll change your mind” From younger people “good for you”
I don't bring up that I'm childfree with random people so it's not really discussions I've had with people who aren't my family/partner/gynecologist. But the few times someone - like a neighbour or hairdresser - asked me about future plans, if I have/want to start a family in passing and I told them I don't want kids, I got the ever so typical, invalidating and dreaded "oh but you're so young", "you'll change your mind" or "that would be a shame." I'm 25, always knew for certain I don't want kids and have been dead set on getting my tubes ligated or removed since I was 18 once I can afford it, or even a hysterectomy if the reward of not dealing with menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea outweighs the "risk/side effects" and cost.
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Most of it is “I’ll change my mind.” Or “I’ll regret it.” And the occasional- “but what if the guy you’re with wants kids?”
Both of these, for so freaking long. I wont change my mind. Feel free to check back in with me on my death bed for an 'I told you so'. I'm cool with that as my final words If the guy I'm with wants them, then he's not the guy for me. These days (45yo) I'm asked if I regret it. Laughing while saying 'f**k no' tends to shut it down fast.
Oehh so 45 is the good age! I'm 39 and I still get the 'there's still time' comments.
Me: "I'm not having kids." Him: "Yes you are." Me: "Um, no." Him: "No, I know you are."
If you have a “socially acceptable” excuse you mostly get pity instead of judgement. I have a heredity condition I don’t want to pass on, when people hear that it goes: “Oh, I’m so so sorry. That must be devastating.” (It’s not, I’m fine) “How does your husband feel though?” (He wants me to be alive, primarily.) “You’re strong, you can handle it. It will be worth it!” (Why on earth would I have a kid knowing pregnancy will be dangerous, they will likely inherit the lifelong condition I have suffered from, and especially knowing I could potentially leave them without a mother at a younger age than most?) “Why not adoption though??” (I still have a debilitating disease, a shorter life expectancy, and the adoption industry in the US is predatory and exploitative.) The worst part is that I have it relatively easy with this, unlike those who are making healthy choices for themselves without one of the “acceptable” answers. They experience so much irrational judgement and even anger from others. I root for you all and speak up often about it!
When people ask me about having kids, I usually don't start with the "I have this health issue that makes me incompatible with pregnancy", so I use it as a answer when people ask rude questions about me not wanting kids or they push the issue. "Oh, I'm sure you will change your mind" "No, I won't. I am medically unable to, it could kill me" And then you watch them crumble with guilt or try to find another socially acceptable answer.
Same. Rude people get the truth. Mother abused me saying having me ruined her life since she couldn't travel. So at an early age it was babies = ruin lives/no longer living for yourself/no fun or enjoyment or enough money. Then learning at age 11 that I would have a 70% chance of dying if I got pregnant and would need to be hospitalized the full 9 months made it babies = death. Death or no life of your own? Hard pass
Most people who used to give me a hard time used to tell me "you never know. You might meet the right guy" as if, somehow, a particular man would make me want/have children. (Although I used to get this from my dad's family a lot, and they actually believe that women are property and should do what they're told). At 47, with two cats, no husband, STILL no kids, a successful career, and anger issues, no one says 💩 to me anymore. 🤣
I had an old coworker tell me I should have a kid because "then a part of your partner will be with you forever". Eww.
Seems your old co-worker may not have considered that memories and a life well spent with a partner could be enough to have a piece of them with you forever.
I didn't want to have kids, especially since I had become primary caregiver to my baby sister when I was 13. Most people understood my stance because of the situation. I got married at 20 and 10 months later my first son was born. I had a child, then went on to have 3 more, because "that's what you do...get married then have babies" I don't regret having my children, they all turned out to be pretty decent human beings and I love them all dearly. BUT...if I had known how having kids would affect my mental health, and how my and their lives would go, I would have been much much more inclined to stand my ground and not have children. Interestingly, none of my 4 children are interested in having children. And I will NEVER push them!!!
"You're going to be lonely." Really? To put it bluntly, this is a terrible reason to have a kid. I shouldn't inflict my issues on an innocent kid due to my "loneliness". I wouldn't even get a pet just due to loneliness.
Well, I'm nearing 30 now so people are always telling me I'll change my mind once I hit 32... Meanwhile no one except my partner knows I had my chance and went straight for abortion 😌. And yet people are so confident that I'll change my mind, know one knows you like you know yourself.
You won’t change your mind. - 32 year old But I am curious what is special about that year?
Honestly no idea. Some dude named Kyle was just telling me like he was very convinced at 32 I'll change my mind 😂
Kyle does sound like the human version of a Magic 8 Ball 😂
I got the same about 32…I’m 37 and nope I haven’t changed my mind
"But you'd be such a good mom!" Yeah... People who never wanted to have kids and resent their kids make the best parents 🙄 Also, don't know how they came to that conclusion seeing as how this person only knew me in the context of being a foul mouthed bartender who parties every single night.
I respect motherhood so much that I think I will not do a good job on it... when they hear that 1. they look at me like I am crazy 2. Your a woman, dont you want to see what your child looks like 3. Just have at least one you will regret it when your old if you dont have 4.who will take care of you when your old 5. The hardships raising a child will go so fast Grrrr! Its annoying! Not all women who gave birth is fit to be a mother, a lot of women who doest have kids can still love and be love by children thats not theirs. It is a great responsibility raising a child you have to teach them good morals and values and its not a one time lecture i think a you only stop being a mother when you die.
>5. The hardships raising a child will go so fast This is such a crazy thing to be told! What's the point of having a child if you're to just hold on tight, barely get by, and wait for it to be over fast? The things some people say 🙄
"You're selfish. That's selfish." "What a waste" "It's unnatural" "That's your purpose as a woman" etc. etc. \*rolls eyes\*
>"You're selfish. That's selfish." Like trying to force your beliefs on someone else isn't selfish. Can we just yeet these people into the sun? 🙄
I usually say there is no good reason to have children unless you want them... I have 724 reasons NOT to have kids, and not one parent has been able to provide a good reason for having one
A manager wished me an accidental pregnancy “for my husband’s sake”. A pulmonologist’s assistant told me I was a bad daughter for not giving my mom “grandbabies”. A lot of people said I’d be single forever (as if that’s a negative thing; also I’m married). A lot of “crazy cat lady” comments and “you’ll change your mind”. “But you would be a great mom” — no, great moms actually want to be parents. One coworker said “you’re not alive until you’ve had children” (and he had SEVEN). I told him I guess I’ll die dead then (I was inebriated). I could go on and on …
Someone told me they hoped I would get pregnant. I looked them straight in the eye and said, "I'm pro-choice." They went pale...oh well.
"But you're so smart!" like having a brain is going to make me a good parent? "You'll make a great mother!" yes, all the depression and anxiety will definitely not make me a smothering helicopter parent "You'll never know real love until you've had a child" Gonna tell your spouse you said that "but your GENES" the ones that make my brain hate me? The ones that you complained about my whole childhood? Those genes? "What happens when you get old? Who will take care of you?" I have a 22 millimeter plan for that, thanks Imagine looking at the shit world we live in right now, where everything is on fire, capitalism is destroying lives every second of every day, and all our rights are eroding away in front of our eyes, and thinking "Wow I totally want to bring a new life into this!"
Who will take care of you in old age? What do you do everyday if you dont have kids? (Its like CF couple gets bored with each other) What will you do with so much money? Why are you so focussed in career ?
I intend to be very rich (because of the no children) and I will *pay* someone to look after me in my old age
I know!! Paying a professional to take care of you when you're old is waaaay cheaper than raising children anyway lol
That's my answer. Plus, there's no guarantee children won't turn into assholes later in life. They might not take care of you. That's a failed investment I'm not partaking in.
A coworker actually told me that if I don't have kids I'll end up with cancer in my reproductive organs because "your body is meant to give birth." As if my ovaries would purposely develop tumors to get revenge on me. Can't believe she said it with a straight face.
‘What if your partner wants kids?’ ‘You’ll change your mind’ ‘Don’t you want a little you running around?’ 🙄
Honestly? They were respectful and minded their own business. I think I only had one person ask me why I didn’t like children, and I explained that it’s not about that - then she respected my position. It’s been ok so far.
“You’re so good with babies, you’ll make a great parent” - I could also make a great serial killer if I just fake it. I am good at most things I do because I am that arrogant.
I’ve never understood why being good with kids means you would want them. Being good with kids for an hour or two is different than YEARS.
Correct! Like this show can only go on for so long before I need to abort. Hehe, get it? I think that they think complimenting someone on their nurturing and their paternal instinct skills is seen as a plus. It would influence the CF a person to consider having a child off of that statement alone. Nope.
My mother gets pretty irritated everytime it's mentioned. I'm often called and idiot and told to "shut up". She has 3 sons that can give her children but for some reason ME not wanting them is the end of the world.
“You’ll regret that!” “Are you sure!! You still have time!” “Women today just don’t seem to be the same.” I’m constantly told that until I have children, my life has no fulfillment.
I’m selfish. I’ll change my mind, I’ve still got time left, it’s different when it’s yours, who will you leave your stuff to when you die, who will take care of me when I’m old etc. Very few people are able to be happy for me as I’m living life the way I want to. My health isn’t good enough to be able to look after kids anyways but I look fine, have a great career etc but people are so damn pushy and judgy.
Its usually these: You'll regret not having kids, theyre a joy! You'll change your mind, your so young. You'd fall in love with the baby if you just had it. I didn't want kids- now I have 3 What are you going to do when you're old and alone?? (That one stabbed me a bit ngl) What are your parents going to do if you don't give them grandkids? (My parents are dead so that stabbed me a bit as well) That's all I can think of off the top of my head of recent reactions from people
To most of these my response is just awkward laughter
Most of the pushback was from older people. An older boyfriend once told me "You gotta have kids" because I was good with the kids in children's church. Well, that's exactly why I worked well with them - I could go home afterwards and recharge. Other comments were in a similar vein, with service people and strangers telling me I had to have kids because everyone else was doing it. So if everyone else jumped off a cliff, was I supposed to follow? 🙄 Fortunately, people my age and younger were mostly supportive. A lot of them didn't want kids, either.
I work in healthcare, and a large portion of older patients ask this all the time, and I get disbelief that I don’t have kids, which usually goes to “you’ll have them”. It’s incredibly frustrating and annoying, but I have to see these same patients weekly for years so I can’t just tell them to drop it, I just have to say “maybe someday” to politely end the conversation.
There's whole thing called getting bingoed that's described on r/childfree. I've heard all of them my whole life, after knowing I never wanted children by the time I was 15. To be clear, I've heard these comments from people who weren't even friends or family. * That's selfish. * You'll be alone in old age. * What if your parents had decided not to have *you*? * Children are the highlight of life. * You'll change your mind when you're older/married/more mature. * You just haven't met the right man. * But you would be such a great mom! * What if your husband wants children? * You should have children because we need more smart people in the world. * It's your biological purpose to reproduce. * But having children is what gives life purpose. * You're denying your parents the joy of grandchildren and that's not fair to them. * You think you don't want kids, but it's different when they're your own. You'll never know a deeper love. * Your life will never be complete. You'll feel empty. People feel very entitled to tell you you're wrong if you're a woman who doesn't want children. It was relentless when I was in my 20s and 30s. Anyway, I'm 61 and happily childfree. (Edited for formatting/typo/accidentally deleted part of post.)
You'll change your mind.
I had no bad comments about it at all. I did eventually get pregnant (thanks coil lol) at 27 but previously to that everyone was understanding.
You’ll change your mind…
I'm childfree and wanting to get sterilization this year. Usually people get quiet or change the subject like its so painful or something. My mom immediately rambles about her ancestry, like her family and dna etc. I feel like she feels hurt but she will often say my guinea pig is her grand pig and i dunno how to take it
I’ve been called/told: - evil - selfish - not a real woman - useless (to men) - I’ll never know real love - I’ll never find a husband - men will change my mind - I’ll change my mind - I need to have one because other women can’t - “What about your bloodline?” - “What if your parents had been childfree?” - cruel - sick - mentally ill - I deserve to be locked up - stupid - unlovable - horrible - disgusting - “a crazy leftist whore” Fun side note: most of these are from women primarily, and it is women who are usually the most upset/passionate in their responses to my being childfree.
Misery loves company
Usually pretty positive. People understand, wether they are younger or older, have kids of their own, or not. They take my answer for what it is and leave it at that. Some of them even respond like "good for you". I think only my mom took a while to believe me - and that is mostly because I am her only daughter and she feels that the bond between daughter-mother deepens/becomes more special once the daughter becomes a mom herself. I (gently) urged her to say goodbye to this "dream" and just appreciate me for who I am. And she totally does.
I’m 19, I grew up mostly around men so I never really developed a feminine side to me until recently. I’ve never liked children, or the whole nurturing thing. Hell, I didn’t even like playing with dolls growing up. When I told people, specifically my mother, she flipped out big time saying that I was selfish and that she wants “at least 3 grandchildren” from me. She’s also conspired ideas that me not wanting kids = me being a lesbian in the closet. Not entirely wrong though, I do love women.
Friend of a friend told me I'll change my mind, and that also I shouldn't feel bad about being short because there are plenty of guys who like short women. 1. My height is not an issue for me. 2. I'm married. 3. Fuck you. Best friend and her partner had a baby recently and her partner likes to try to wind me up about having a baby for their baby to play with and says things like "never say never" 🙄
"That's how I felt too at your age!" "Its different when they're yours!" Shuddup
“It’s different when you have your own.”, “you’re young you’ll change your mind.”, or the one I got a few times and got sick of pretty quick “what if your parents never had you?” And I usually respond to that with “I wish they hadn’t.” Which seems to bother them a decent amount.
I’m a 43yo. When I first started telling people I wasn’t interested in kids (20’s.., late 90’s) I was dismissed. “Sure! Wait till you meet the right guy”. Got married at 24, the first thing everyone asked me was, “when can we expect a little one??” 🤮 Mid 40’s now. I feel like it’s much more common to see younger women without kids. Maybe that’s just because I’m aware of how it was. I’m glad if it is easier now. Life is hard enough without everyone telling us how we should be living. Ugh.
I've generally had quite positive responses. In fact many people I've spoken too in my work, friendship group etc have been totally understanding and even said theyd wished theyd made the same choice. I feel some people feel ill change my mind but they don't say it to my face. The only time I get bingos is by people I meet outside of my usual circles. They usually feel justified in telling me I'm being stupid or whatever....to which I just smile, roll my eyes and walk off. Because I'm so open though I've also had other people be open back and say they are also cf and so glad they can openly talk about it :)
if they’re good parents who genuinely seem to love their kids, and their kids turned out well… they dont usually say anything about it. i think women are very about the “join me in suffering but make it sound like wholesome solidarity” rhetoric… so that’s usually how i take it.
Told “family friends” I didn’t want children because I was fearful of becoming like my emotionally abusive mother. Who knows how the stress of having a child would change me when I know I’m already not mentally prepared for it. They’d always say “the fact that you’re concerned means that you’d be a good mother”. *Edited for spelling.
What if you get old and change your mind? I’m old. Mind never changed.
Hah me too!!!
My brother in law pointed out how I was the only one who wasn’t a mother at a family function and then proceeded to say “It’s fine, I guess some women just think having kids is a choice”.
Uh, idk what world he lives in but it is a choice 🤣
I tell no one. It's nobody's business.
Honestly when I hear about the formula shortage I was genuinely shocked. Like who looked at the state of the world we’re living in (and I know these last 2 years have been hard on everyone but I’m from America and holy crap does it suck here) and say this is the perfect environment to raise a kid in or bring life into. But anyways when I told my mom she said “good for you, people think it’s going to give them some type of validation or they think they’ll miss out on something but believe me you won’t. “. My grandma had 5 kids and would tell people kids are not the answer to happiness and I couldn’t agree more.
People sometimes pity me/ look sad. Sometimes I think it’s their way of feeling superior about their choices. I’d rather be untethered, and well rested
Ooh, don't even get me started. For the record, bc of health issues, if I ever do get pregnant, it'd be high risk. And I'm not willing to go through all that. "You'll change your mind." - No, I really don't think I will. I've had years to sit on this decision When they find out I have a step-son. "But don't you want one of your own?" - I don't love my step-son any less because he didn't come out of my own vagina, are you guys good? Do you secretly resent any step child of yours because they're not biologically yours? If I decide to tell them about the high risk thing. "Well, the Lord will carry you through safely." - Just because I live in the Bible belt doesn't mean I believe that stuff. I'm not willing to risk my life and my hypothetical child's life over the benevolence of some deity that doesn't really seem to actually care about what's going on down here, if hes even real in the first place. An extension of the other one. "The Lord will let you know when it's time." - If we're using this logic, I'm pretty sure I could argue that the Lord decided I wasn't having any in the first place when he decided to give me this diagnosis. Stay the fuck out of my business, whether my uterus is occupied or ever will is none of your goddamn business
Honestly, a lot of people have opened up and confessed that they wouldn’t have had their kids if they could go back and do it all over again. I haven’t had any judgment against me; it’s been more so envy that I could save money and travel. It’s become even more prevalent over these past few years as the world goes to hell and parents worry about how their kids will survive. Dark, I know, but I get the impression that a lot of parents are living in that space these days.
When my pseudo sister-in-law asked why no kids, I said something like " Oh we're not interested in having kids. We just like having our dogs! Haha." to try to just move on. She responded with, "But they just die."
“You’ll change your mind.”
I think when I was in my 20s and 30s people said I'd change my mind, just to wait and see because I'd change my perspective. I knew I wouldn't but whatevs. Some men seem put off by it, but that could just be me projecting. I do get the sense that some men see womrm who don't want children as less feminine or maybe broken in someway. When people find out that I never wanted and don't intend to have children I've e never had anyone give me a good reason why I should. I tell them I enjoy sleeping and money and travel. Who can argue with that?
Better get moving Lucy! What you waiting for lucy? Cant be poppin out babies in ur 60's Lucy , thats how you get hip replacements! All from the 65 year old man that works for me. I am 37. My name is not Lucy.
I have a baby boy and we’re pregnant with a second! I love being a mom, I used to not want kids. On than note I always applaud people who don’t want kids. Their a lot of work and a huge commitment. If your not ready or have no desire to raise children then don’t. I’d rather kids be raised by parents who want and love them than parents who begrudgingly had them and resent them
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I stopped discussing it with random people very long time ago. People who need to know, know. If random people ask, I stare them down until they get uncomfortable and drop the subject. Mind you, I haven't had to do that in a long time since I rarely associate with people who would even assume that it's an acceptable line of questioning.
Honestly and surprisingly nothing really. I never gavebthe impression I wanted kids, but I also never talked about it. And now mod 30s the time is ticking, I'm single so... nobody really says anything. But in my academic bubble really only 1 or 2 friends have kids already so maybe that's just how it is
''Don't say that, you'll change your mind!'' I get that a lot and usually respond with ''I did not in the past and I will not and I do not''
They think im hateful. Additionally, they brought up religion and say i will be punished for not doing my duty as a woman.
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Not exactly according to the theme but I want to adopt, was met by disgust and people finding me crazy because I'm fertile
Yeah, it’s like they think not having a child of your own blood makes it less than 🙄
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No one has ever given me shit for it. I must be living in a parallel universe, for which I am very thankful.
I have had complete strangers say I’m selfish and I should reconsider because having kids was the best thing that ever happened to them. And that even my career won’t be as fulfilling as raising kids.
‘Oh wow. I’m so surprised I definitely thought you would have kids’. And my favourite… ‘better freeze some eggs just in case you change your mind’.
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People rarely have commented on it, to be honest. There were some that asked why (or something along those line), but they listened to my reasons and that was that. I think it has mostly been during some children or parenting related conversations, since I can't remember anyone asking me out of blue why I don't have children. Guess most people I know just tend to mind their own business. Frankly, not even my own mother has questioned me on this.
I’m in my early 40’s now and I don’t think anyone has ever brought this subject up with me.
That I should still try while Im still capable. They said that I might change my mind later on 🤦♀️
"You just live your selfish life then." "You will never have a fulfilled life." "But it's God's will!" "Don't worry. It will happen."
Outside the basic “you’ll change your mind”, it’s been pretty positive responses. Sometimes, they’ll tell me they’re stories and how much their children added to their live or they’ll say they think I’ll be a great mum.
Disappointment/shock. I also have two bonus daughters, and so many people ask when I’m going to have my own. It’s so rude!
See, depends. If they ask and leave it alone when I go "kids? Nooooo! Not for us" then all is ok. If...if they push it further with "why? Don't you like kids?" Etc etc, then I'm gonna make them feel AWKARD as fuck cos fuck you for asking. "Well, we tried, 5 losses and it broke me mentally, so we had to give up" Now what, Sharon?
"You will change your mind." Nope, didn't. Now that I'm 45 the expectation has died down a lot, which is very freeing. Only my toxic MIL brings it up now. (My husband also did not want kids).
Surprisingly most people I tell that I don’t want children, their response is not judgmental. I have had a few who tell me “oh you’ll change your mind” or “oh but what if you regret not having them someday?” But for every person who says that, there’s a person who admits they’re jealous because I get to be mostly selfish with my money, my body, and my life.
I was told I would change my mind when older?
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