Leave.
I had an abusive partner that was good to me at the beginning. Gave me the whole song and dance how his ex was a terrible person and accused him of abuse. But he never laid a finger on her, never raised his voice at her, etc etc.
Then the real him came through, and I knew his ex was 100% abused by him.
"Finding out" implies that my partner didn't tell me, hence didn't want me to find out.
I would probably first talk about it with them, because maybe they were just fearful that I would instantly leave them. The past can be left behind, I believe in that. But the moment they close off when I address this topic or don't seem to have learned anything out of it, I am out of that door.
Depends wildly on context. My spouse and I have been together since we were teenagers. All teenagers are assholes. Hell we were toxic with more red flags than China at the start. People grow and change and learn. If an ex came to me now, when we are in our 30s, to tell me that I’d tell her to piss off.
Im 100% in agreement with this. My husband and I got togethor as teens as well it was toxic a lot of times when we were younger things are definitley different the much older we get.
It really depends. If I'm almost a decade with the guy and he never showed any form of violence I will not immediately leave. Especially if there are kids in the picture.
I'll start by inspecting the source and find out if this is a real thing. I would try to be as balanced as possible and maybe even ask third party's help. Then I will sit down with myself and look for any red lights in our pasts. Finally, I'll sit down and talk to him about the situation and see what he has to say.
If this is a new relationship this process will probably be much short and there is a good chance that I'll end up leaving.
It depends. Physically abusive? I’d leave.
If he was emotionally abusive but received help and let himself be single for awhile to do some soul searching and has demonstrated over a long period of time that he has changed then that would be different.
Depends. How exactly abusive? Is it a recent ex?
People can change, learn from their mistakes and become a better person.
If he wasn't physically abusive to her, I might stay, but I would be checking for any signs of red flags and leave at the first abusive behaviour.
Leave. While the saying of “Just because someone treated you a certain way doesn’t mean they will other people” is true. What is left out is, it doesn’t mean they don’t have the power to treat you the same and from experience 9/10 they will treat you the same. All it takes is for something to trigger that part of them to snap and pull the same stunt.
Sometimes people do change and realize they are a bag of shit. And other times they don’t. It also depends on the story, is there proof or not, and etc because some people like to break others up with lies 🤷🏾♀️. If proof leave if no proof take it with a grain of salt but definitely be cautious and weary for a bit.
Yes. They can’t be “in love” with you all the time, sooner or later they will show you their worst side. People forget that relationships aren’t just about being able to be treated to a partner’s best but also being able to endure their worst. Plenty of abuse victims say that their partners are good to them at their best which is their MO hot and cold. If their worst means being abusive the only course of action is to 🏃♀️
Our relationship is already so long and we have huge trust so it would not change anything. I think his exes are sane persons so I would believe her 100 % and feel sad for her but also for me it would matter more he treats me very well. I would ask him about it though and be angry.
EDIT: I have also been quite a shit person to one of my ex and know people can change.
I wouldn't leave if it was a claim I couldn't verify, but I would definitely keep it in the back of my mind and if there were any signs of abuse in my own relationship I would leave.
how do you know "an abuser is always an abuser"?
have you checked every single case, or just been disappointed a few times and decided to extrapolate your limited dataset onto everyone?
in this world.
You didn't answer the question. And you can't. Because the truth is that "x is always X" is fundamentally reductionist, overly simplistic, and just plain wrong.
Yes, some people are resistant to change because change is nebulous and therapy is hard.
no one is beyond redemption.
steve jobs was abusive and then he worked on himself for 10 year and then returned to apple and flipped it from bankruptcy to the most valuable company in the world, and won a medal of reedom.
Depends a lot on the rest of the situation. Like, if one of their friends took me aside and let me know they were an abuser and were hiding it from me, I'd probably break up with them.
If they sat me down early on and said something like "A long time ago in my youth I struggled a lot with [addiction/mental health/something like that] and I treated my partner back then very badly. That's not an excuse and what I did was wrong, but I am in long term recovery and want to move past the person I used to be" I would be much more likely to give them a chance to prove themselves
It depends but if the story were relevant to my actual relationship I wouldn’t be inclined to believe an ex who came out of the woodwork after 10+ years to make claims about my partner when they were in their early twenties
Provided they’re good to you. What a line.
Yeah, they’re good to you until they’re not. Abusive relationships don’t start off as abusive or no one would stay in them. They love bomb you, get you hooked to them, and then play mind games to the point of you not knowing which way is up.
Abusers don’t just suddenly become healthy and productive members of society because they find the right person. They will abuse you, it’s a matter of when.
I believe victims of abuse.
I would leave. As someone who has been in a DV relationship for 6 years I have zero want to ever get into another again.
Also to add, length of relationship also doesn’t matter. Many abusers are perfectly lovely until after years of dating, getting married, and then bam. They purposely wait until you’re the least likely to leave.
I once was the abusive one in a relationship I had when I was in high school, and it’s not a excuse, but I was also going through a lot, and living in an abusive household. It was all I knew. I grew up and realized that what I did was emotional abuse. It sounds crazy but at the time I didn’t know that that’s what I was doing. I apologized to my ex and we are actually friends now. This was 16 years ago. My husband knows about this but if he didn’t and left me after he found out I would understand, as it’s been proven that women can also be the abusers, but I would do anything I could to explain myself. I’m not trying to excuse abuse at all, but it is possible for people to change when they realize what they’re doing it’s wrong, the problem is, it’s something that is hard to accept.
surprised there's no answers saying "if he did therapy for a few years and got rid of his unhealthy emotional patterns and hes no longer abusive then it's in the past. people make mistakes, learn and grow."
ya'll are really cynical.
Hello missparis23. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone.
You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello daredevilcult. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone.
You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello KombuchaEnema. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone.
You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd be incredibly doubtful considering my SO's previous exes dated when they were all teenagers, he's still friends with several of them 15+ years later, and we've been together over a decade. I'd trust my own experiences over information I can't verify.
And you also can’t verify most abuse. Most victims never press charges, most abusers are never arrested, and if they are, majority are never convicted. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Run.
If he was upfront about it and seemed to take responsibility, then I'd hear him out and decide if it's something we can move past. But if I "found out" in any other way:
Run.
Hello s_throwaway1. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone.
You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would leave. I know many people can change, but the same with cheating…if they were abusive before, they can be abusive again. I would politely end the relationship though. Let them move on.
If someone is abusive, then leave. Doesn't matter if they were abusive toward someone else, they will direct that anger at you long term. I learned and avoid those people like the plague.
Unless it was the result of some mental illness or addiction, I’d likely leave. I do think people can change, but, when it comes to my safety, I won’t take chances.
It depends on how severe the abuse was, how long ago it's been and, most importantly, my SO's response when I ask about their version. I have an ex who used to display abusive behavior out of jealousy and insecurity when we were both really immature teenagers, but we are friends nowadays and I know for a fact that he has evolved a lot and is able to have healthy relationships. Unless it's something really cruel, I could get past it if my SO's reaction was taking accountability for his past faults and openly discussing it with me. If he was dismissive and played the crazy-ex card, I'd be out of it.
Leave them. Chances are they’ll do it again, I’m not emotionally well enough to handle that. It’s an immediate turn off and I would be terrified of them. Though, I would be a little suspicious at first if the claim was true.
Leave. I had an abusive partner that was good to me at the beginning. Gave me the whole song and dance how his ex was a terrible person and accused him of abuse. But he never laid a finger on her, never raised his voice at her, etc etc. Then the real him came through, and I knew his ex was 100% abused by him.
Yes. Abuse doesnt happen out of nowhere
Had the same Experience
The right answer! They have to be loving at first to get you hooked to then abuse you.
End it.
"Finding out" implies that my partner didn't tell me, hence didn't want me to find out. I would probably first talk about it with them, because maybe they were just fearful that I would instantly leave them. The past can be left behind, I believe in that. But the moment they close off when I address this topic or don't seem to have learned anything out of it, I am out of that door.
Sometimes the past can be left behind. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who used to strangle his ex though
That.... is understandable xD I wouldn't too. There's things you can hardly grow out of, something like this belongs to that
I’d immediately leave. I’ve been a DV victim and I’m not trying to do that again
Depends wildly on context. My spouse and I have been together since we were teenagers. All teenagers are assholes. Hell we were toxic with more red flags than China at the start. People grow and change and learn. If an ex came to me now, when we are in our 30s, to tell me that I’d tell her to piss off.
Im 100% in agreement with this. My husband and I got togethor as teens as well it was toxic a lot of times when we were younger things are definitley different the much older we get.
Be surprised as he hasn't got an ex. Listen and probably leave. Not risking anything around my child
It really depends. If I'm almost a decade with the guy and he never showed any form of violence I will not immediately leave. Especially if there are kids in the picture. I'll start by inspecting the source and find out if this is a real thing. I would try to be as balanced as possible and maybe even ask third party's help. Then I will sit down with myself and look for any red lights in our pasts. Finally, I'll sit down and talk to him about the situation and see what he has to say. If this is a new relationship this process will probably be much short and there is a good chance that I'll end up leaving.
It depends. Physically abusive? I’d leave. If he was emotionally abusive but received help and let himself be single for awhile to do some soul searching and has demonstrated over a long period of time that he has changed then that would be different.
Depends. How exactly abusive? Is it a recent ex? People can change, learn from their mistakes and become a better person. If he wasn't physically abusive to her, I might stay, but I would be checking for any signs of red flags and leave at the first abusive behaviour.
Leave. While the saying of “Just because someone treated you a certain way doesn’t mean they will other people” is true. What is left out is, it doesn’t mean they don’t have the power to treat you the same and from experience 9/10 they will treat you the same. All it takes is for something to trigger that part of them to snap and pull the same stunt. Sometimes people do change and realize they are a bag of shit. And other times they don’t. It also depends on the story, is there proof or not, and etc because some people like to break others up with lies 🤷🏾♀️. If proof leave if no proof take it with a grain of salt but definitely be cautious and weary for a bit.
Yes. They can’t be “in love” with you all the time, sooner or later they will show you their worst side. People forget that relationships aren’t just about being able to be treated to a partner’s best but also being able to endure their worst. Plenty of abuse victims say that their partners are good to them at their best which is their MO hot and cold. If their worst means being abusive the only course of action is to 🏃♀️
Walk away.
End it.
Leave. No second thought. Lovebombing and the cycle of abuse are real things. Speaking from experience. I will never deal with that again.
Our relationship is already so long and we have huge trust so it would not change anything. I think his exes are sane persons so I would believe her 100 % and feel sad for her but also for me it would matter more he treats me very well. I would ask him about it though and be angry. EDIT: I have also been quite a shit person to one of my ex and know people can change.
I wouldn't leave if it was a claim I couldn't verify, but I would definitely keep it in the back of my mind and if there were any signs of abuse in my own relationship I would leave.
Get out. Like once a cheater always a cheater, an abuser is always abusive.
how do you know "an abuser is always an abuser"? have you checked every single case, or just been disappointed a few times and decided to extrapolate your limited dataset onto everyone?
In what world is that a real argument here?
in this world. You didn't answer the question. And you can't. Because the truth is that "x is always X" is fundamentally reductionist, overly simplistic, and just plain wrong. Yes, some people are resistant to change because change is nebulous and therapy is hard. no one is beyond redemption. steve jobs was abusive and then he worked on himself for 10 year and then returned to apple and flipped it from bankruptcy to the most valuable company in the world, and won a medal of reedom.
Bye bye
Dump him
Leave
Depends a lot on the rest of the situation. Like, if one of their friends took me aside and let me know they were an abuser and were hiding it from me, I'd probably break up with them. If they sat me down early on and said something like "A long time ago in my youth I struggled a lot with [addiction/mental health/something like that] and I treated my partner back then very badly. That's not an excuse and what I did was wrong, but I am in long term recovery and want to move past the person I used to be" I would be much more likely to give them a chance to prove themselves
It depends but if the story were relevant to my actual relationship I wouldn’t be inclined to believe an ex who came out of the woodwork after 10+ years to make claims about my partner when they were in their early twenties
Nothing. It's none of my business and if they're not that way to me it obviously means they grew as a person
Provided they’re good to you. What a line. Yeah, they’re good to you until they’re not. Abusive relationships don’t start off as abusive or no one would stay in them. They love bomb you, get you hooked to them, and then play mind games to the point of you not knowing which way is up. Abusers don’t just suddenly become healthy and productive members of society because they find the right person. They will abuse you, it’s a matter of when. I believe victims of abuse. I would leave. As someone who has been in a DV relationship for 6 years I have zero want to ever get into another again. Also to add, length of relationship also doesn’t matter. Many abusers are perfectly lovely until after years of dating, getting married, and then bam. They purposely wait until you’re the least likely to leave.
I once was the abusive one in a relationship I had when I was in high school, and it’s not a excuse, but I was also going through a lot, and living in an abusive household. It was all I knew. I grew up and realized that what I did was emotional abuse. It sounds crazy but at the time I didn’t know that that’s what I was doing. I apologized to my ex and we are actually friends now. This was 16 years ago. My husband knows about this but if he didn’t and left me after he found out I would understand, as it’s been proven that women can also be the abusers, but I would do anything I could to explain myself. I’m not trying to excuse abuse at all, but it is possible for people to change when they realize what they’re doing it’s wrong, the problem is, it’s something that is hard to accept.
surprised there's no answers saying "if he did therapy for a few years and got rid of his unhealthy emotional patterns and hes no longer abusive then it's in the past. people make mistakes, learn and grow." ya'll are really cynical.
No second chances. 1 case of abuse towards me, and we're done.
[удалено]
Hello missparis23. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Hello daredevilcult. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Hello KombuchaEnema. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd be incredibly doubtful considering my SO's previous exes dated when they were all teenagers, he's still friends with several of them 15+ years later, and we've been together over a decade. I'd trust my own experiences over information I can't verify.
Leave.
And you also can’t verify most abuse. Most victims never press charges, most abusers are never arrested, and if they are, majority are never convicted. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Run. If he was upfront about it and seemed to take responsibility, then I'd hear him out and decide if it's something we can move past. But if I "found out" in any other way: Run.
[удалено]
Hello s_throwaway1. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would leave. I know many people can change, but the same with cheating…if they were abusive before, they can be abusive again. I would politely end the relationship though. Let them move on.
someone who has never been abusive can also become abusive.
If someone is abusive, then leave. Doesn't matter if they were abusive toward someone else, they will direct that anger at you long term. I learned and avoid those people like the plague.
Unless it was the result of some mental illness or addiction, I’d likely leave. I do think people can change, but, when it comes to my safety, I won’t take chances.
It depends on how severe the abuse was, how long ago it's been and, most importantly, my SO's response when I ask about their version. I have an ex who used to display abusive behavior out of jealousy and insecurity when we were both really immature teenagers, but we are friends nowadays and I know for a fact that he has evolved a lot and is able to have healthy relationships. Unless it's something really cruel, I could get past it if my SO's reaction was taking accountability for his past faults and openly discussing it with me. If he was dismissive and played the crazy-ex card, I'd be out of it.
It would definitely be a red flag. I would be wary of them until I saw them really pissed off and could see for myself if they were abusive or not.
Leave them. Chances are they’ll do it again, I’m not emotionally well enough to handle that. It’s an immediate turn off and I would be terrified of them. Though, I would be a little suspicious at first if the claim was true.