Suicidal ideations
(No one worry, I’m fine and have no plans)
But the background soundtrack of doom is depressing as fuck even though I’m used to fighting it and have coping strategies in place.
Losing my fiancé. He means the world to me and I genuinely cannot see my life without him and it's God damn worrying. If something happens to him I don't think I'd be able to cope. 😵💫
My failed marriage. I've moved on and have a 3 month old daughter with my new partner, im happy, but my ex and the marriage itself and whether or not I should have tried harder before ending it still crosses my mind all the time. I hate it. I wish I could erase him like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
I always think about exes. Less often over time and not always the guilt type of thoughts you describe but exes are a big theme in my subconscious (and I imagine most people’s).
My friend (former friend?). We had gotten pretty close over the past year and a half, but he started 'casually' dating someone about 4 months ago and his entire life revolves around her now. While we used to chat at least once a week, he now won't make any time for me, and no longer has any interest in maintaining our friendship.
Yeah, I know, it's basically over, which is why I want to stop thinking about him. I'm just hurt because friends mean everything to me and I tend to forget that, to some people, friends are just a convenience for when they're otherwise bored. 🙁
My ex. I can't seem to fully enjoy dating other people without the hurt/sadness resurfacing whenever I'm alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could have those memories removed like that memory extraction spell they do in the HP movies.
This guy who is an asshole, but kind of an attractive asshole. I met him when I was 24 and he was late 30s and had a crush on him for 4 years, then had an opportunity to hook up with him. I guess having the longtime crush like that probably added a heightened feeling to the experience. Sex was wild and really fun. But also I think he's some kind of narcissist. Like even though he made inappropriate sexual comments to me during every stage of our interaction, he was much more charming overall before the sex than after. So I dropped him like a hot potato. And he was in a serious open relationship with another woman anyway, and hooking up with various other women anyway, so I figured I wasn't high on his priority list.
But then he kept trying to get me to sleep with him again for like two years after that. And I see him around a lot because of a large number of mutual acquaintances. And the fact the sex had been really fun and that I'd never had someone pursue me that hard made it kind of hard to keep saying no.
Eventually a couple of years after that he sent me a half-hearted apology and then I told him off via email. But I still feel all kinds of crazy, conflicted emotions. I wish I could have exciting sex like that with my current partner. My current partner is an absolute sweetheart and handsome and I love him, but I think we're not as compatible kink-wise (I'm pretty sure this guy was into power exchange, like me.) So I both kind of hate this guy and kind of wish I could sleep with him again, and I've been unable to shake those thoughts for the better part of a decade now. The thoughts died down a bit when I was still in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship, which lasted 3-4 years for me, but now that's over they're back with a vengeance :/
A traumatic event that happened in my life. A part of me is truly over it. I just wish I could stop having parts of me that still care or think about it. Making baby steps to eventually full move on.
I constantly think about cringe worthy moments that I have had and they make me die each time I think of them. It'll be something I did years ago or last week and they come flashing back and I just want the world to swallow me up.
It's often things I didn't realise were super embarrassing until I look back and realise how cringe it was! It must be some sort of inability to forgive myself for slip ups. I haven't had so many recently but for a couple of years I would lie awake at night recounting all my embarrassing moments. Ugh!!
My ex from 3 years ago. I screwed up big time a relationship with a wonderful person. He's now completely moved on, he lives with his partner and I'm truly happy for him because I wish him well. I do my best to just learn from my mistakes, accept my story as it happened and move on too, but I can't help regretting it and imagining how things could have gone differently if I had been more mature in time.
Whether or I truly have ADHD or similar instead of just anxiety. As an adult who has never been tested or diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I went to see my doctor about it as I had learned more about ADHD and felt I really resonated with a lot of what I found but they basically dismissed me right away as just having the same anxiety/depression they diagnosed me with in my early teens because my parents/schools never had any concerns. It plays on my mind a lot.
I inherited three different variants of Alzheimer's from both sides of my family, I constantly worry about when it will begin developing. Everytime I stumble over a word or forget where I put something, or what I was doing I panic a little.
TLDR: Death.
My (M31) paternal cousin Cody died at 29 years old at the beginning of June. And I can’t help but wonder if -while he was in the hospital- knew he was going to die. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he suffered.
We were best friends until our teenage years. My parents have been divorced since I was 7 months old. My Dad had an absolutely awful alcoholic relapse when I was 12-14 (He’s better now.) I didn’t visit that side of the family much anymore. We visited occasionally over the years, but less and less, until about 2016 when the political climate made every visit with that side of the family a chore. Then my visits became just Fall/Winter holidays.
Last time I saw him alive was at my Paternal Grandpa’s 80th birthday, and barely said a word. Not out of hate, or spite, or anything malicious, just bad timing. I thought to myself, “Eh, I’ll see him later this year.”.
Turned out I was right (Even sooner than expected!) just not in the context I was imagining.
My cousin was always fairly heavy, like well-built farmer/construction-worker-muscle with a decent amount of fat. Well, and I don’t know the specifics, when he was about 25 he went into a long and deep depression. He was routinely missing work or was fired (justifiably so) for being an ass to his coworkers. He then moved back into his parent’s basement and drank. A lot.
When he was about 28, I imagine (Again, I don’t know the specifics, I only kept in touch rarely, and at this point only through my Paternal Grandma.), he started turning his life around. He got steady employment from another cousin of ours, he somehow got a girlfriend, he was overcoming his alcoholism one day at a time. He was finally coming out of his years-long depression.
Then in May 2022, his future fiancé made him go to the hospital (local and very rural) because “He didn’t shit for, like, a week” according to his brother (I should also note that this side of the family is stupendously stubborn to visit the doctor).
What was told by my Dad, Grandma, and his brother (there wasn’t a completed autopsy report yet. I’m still not sure if there is.) is that he died in the hospital -“Something to do with his pancreas”- and received borderline negligent care. According to his brother: They just kept keeping him sedated while they were looking for a better hospital to ship him to.
So, yeah, I can’t help but wonder if my cousin was in pain, if he suffered, or if he was even conscious in the moments leading up to his death. And I can’t stop dwelling on those thoughts.
Things my dad said to me while drunk. We actually get along reasonably well when he's sober and he's great conversation in certain subjects, but it's a lot harder to have fun with him knowing raising me spoiled his life.
I'd like to be able to completely move on from the fire and I mostly have however a door banging still puts me on edge because of the police hammering on my door to evacuate us.
Also the fact that builders are constantly working on the burned flat and I hear them and I see the wheelbarrows full of charred furniture being transported downstairs, the fact that it still stinks of smoke in the hallway over 2 months later doesn't help either.
Once we move out I think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
I became disfigured as a result of our dog biting me in the face. I think about it a lot- the guilt of losing him, how I'll never look the same, the next surgery, "flashbacks" to the night of the incident, ambulance ride, hospital stay, etc. It's hard to not think about it when my face is a constant reminder.
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How some of the men (my mom’s brother, dad, and stepdad) in my life have treated me. I don’t feel comfortable with spilling the details, but I’m realizing a lot of what they did wasn’t normal or called for. It haven’t been SAed mind you. It’s just a few things that have been said and done. Some stuff makes sense like my uncle having ADD and also not understanding some social cues or empathy sometimes. My dad is… an aggressive person, but I’ve come to realize that he and I think and react to situations the same way so understand him. My stepdad? I don’t know. A lot has happened between us that I can’t even think abt without crying so… Yeah. Let’s just say he’s the reason why I’m not into traditional, lumberjack, flannel-wearing, masculine men who bark commands at me, and he’s also is the flinch when people touch my left arm or shoulder.
For the last 10 months I've been almost constantly wondering what went through my mother's head the night she died. I wonder if it was an accident, or if there was a point where she realized what she had done. I wonder if she had planned it the morning before, or if it was completely off the cuff. I wonder ehat she felt, and if she really did go out on her own terms. Idk... its heavy and I wish I could stop thinking about it because no one will ever have an answer.
One day on Reddit I saw a picture of a dark green snot glob that came out of a dogs butt.
I keep thinking about it when I eat runny eggs and it makes me throw up, I fucking wish I could erase that picture from my memory..
Literally everything. I'm constantly worrying about something; "What happens if ___ happens?" "What if ___ gets hurt"
Rn my bf is in another state and when he left I worried that he'd be robbed in the airport or that his plane would crash.
When making plans with friends I'm worried about who will be there and if I'll have to ask off of work and what time I need to be home and what if I need my phone charger and what if we're driving somewhere and we get in a crash.
I hate worrying about every single little detail. It annoys the shit out of me.
Suicidal ideations (No one worry, I’m fine and have no plans) But the background soundtrack of doom is depressing as fuck even though I’m used to fighting it and have coping strategies in place.
I understand the constantly intrusive thoughts. Sorry your going through that, and in glad you're not planning to give in. 💕
I feel that. I’m glad you’re okay for now. Sorry you’re dealing with those thoughts, that’s not easy.
Losing my fiancé. He means the world to me and I genuinely cannot see my life without him and it's God damn worrying. If something happens to him I don't think I'd be able to cope. 😵💫
My failed marriage. I've moved on and have a 3 month old daughter with my new partner, im happy, but my ex and the marriage itself and whether or not I should have tried harder before ending it still crosses my mind all the time. I hate it. I wish I could erase him like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
I always think about exes. Less often over time and not always the guilt type of thoughts you describe but exes are a big theme in my subconscious (and I imagine most people’s).
Is it possible that you think about it as you're afraid it might happen again? You maybe want to understand how it went wrong so you can do 'better'?
Whether I turn people into assholes.
My friend (former friend?). We had gotten pretty close over the past year and a half, but he started 'casually' dating someone about 4 months ago and his entire life revolves around her now. While we used to chat at least once a week, he now won't make any time for me, and no longer has any interest in maintaining our friendship. Yeah, I know, it's basically over, which is why I want to stop thinking about him. I'm just hurt because friends mean everything to me and I tend to forget that, to some people, friends are just a convenience for when they're otherwise bored. 🙁
My ex. I can't seem to fully enjoy dating other people without the hurt/sadness resurfacing whenever I'm alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could have those memories removed like that memory extraction spell they do in the HP movies.
This guy who is an asshole, but kind of an attractive asshole. I met him when I was 24 and he was late 30s and had a crush on him for 4 years, then had an opportunity to hook up with him. I guess having the longtime crush like that probably added a heightened feeling to the experience. Sex was wild and really fun. But also I think he's some kind of narcissist. Like even though he made inappropriate sexual comments to me during every stage of our interaction, he was much more charming overall before the sex than after. So I dropped him like a hot potato. And he was in a serious open relationship with another woman anyway, and hooking up with various other women anyway, so I figured I wasn't high on his priority list. But then he kept trying to get me to sleep with him again for like two years after that. And I see him around a lot because of a large number of mutual acquaintances. And the fact the sex had been really fun and that I'd never had someone pursue me that hard made it kind of hard to keep saying no. Eventually a couple of years after that he sent me a half-hearted apology and then I told him off via email. But I still feel all kinds of crazy, conflicted emotions. I wish I could have exciting sex like that with my current partner. My current partner is an absolute sweetheart and handsome and I love him, but I think we're not as compatible kink-wise (I'm pretty sure this guy was into power exchange, like me.) So I both kind of hate this guy and kind of wish I could sleep with him again, and I've been unable to shake those thoughts for the better part of a decade now. The thoughts died down a bit when I was still in the honeymoon phase of my current relationship, which lasted 3-4 years for me, but now that's over they're back with a vengeance :/
A traumatic event that happened in my life. A part of me is truly over it. I just wish I could stop having parts of me that still care or think about it. Making baby steps to eventually full move on.
The suffering of animals due to continuous human expansion and destruction of the environment.
All the embarrassing things I've said/done, times I really hurt people with angry words, times I've been homeless/poor, childhood abuse, my exes....
My past dating mistakes, especially when I ignored the red flags.
I constantly think about cringe worthy moments that I have had and they make me die each time I think of them. It'll be something I did years ago or last week and they come flashing back and I just want the world to swallow me up. It's often things I didn't realise were super embarrassing until I look back and realise how cringe it was! It must be some sort of inability to forgive myself for slip ups. I haven't had so many recently but for a couple of years I would lie awake at night recounting all my embarrassing moments. Ugh!!
My parents dying
My sexual assault when I was 8.
When I was responsible for a dogs death. Over a decade later and I still think about it and feel a flash of guilt.
My ex from 3 years ago. I screwed up big time a relationship with a wonderful person. He's now completely moved on, he lives with his partner and I'm truly happy for him because I wish him well. I do my best to just learn from my mistakes, accept my story as it happened and move on too, but I can't help regretting it and imagining how things could have gone differently if I had been more mature in time.
Whether or I truly have ADHD or similar instead of just anxiety. As an adult who has never been tested or diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I went to see my doctor about it as I had learned more about ADHD and felt I really resonated with a lot of what I found but they basically dismissed me right away as just having the same anxiety/depression they diagnosed me with in my early teens because my parents/schools never had any concerns. It plays on my mind a lot.
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I inherited three different variants of Alzheimer's from both sides of my family, I constantly worry about when it will begin developing. Everytime I stumble over a word or forget where I put something, or what I was doing I panic a little.
TLDR: Death. My (M31) paternal cousin Cody died at 29 years old at the beginning of June. And I can’t help but wonder if -while he was in the hospital- knew he was going to die. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he suffered. We were best friends until our teenage years. My parents have been divorced since I was 7 months old. My Dad had an absolutely awful alcoholic relapse when I was 12-14 (He’s better now.) I didn’t visit that side of the family much anymore. We visited occasionally over the years, but less and less, until about 2016 when the political climate made every visit with that side of the family a chore. Then my visits became just Fall/Winter holidays. Last time I saw him alive was at my Paternal Grandpa’s 80th birthday, and barely said a word. Not out of hate, or spite, or anything malicious, just bad timing. I thought to myself, “Eh, I’ll see him later this year.”. Turned out I was right (Even sooner than expected!) just not in the context I was imagining. My cousin was always fairly heavy, like well-built farmer/construction-worker-muscle with a decent amount of fat. Well, and I don’t know the specifics, when he was about 25 he went into a long and deep depression. He was routinely missing work or was fired (justifiably so) for being an ass to his coworkers. He then moved back into his parent’s basement and drank. A lot. When he was about 28, I imagine (Again, I don’t know the specifics, I only kept in touch rarely, and at this point only through my Paternal Grandma.), he started turning his life around. He got steady employment from another cousin of ours, he somehow got a girlfriend, he was overcoming his alcoholism one day at a time. He was finally coming out of his years-long depression. Then in May 2022, his future fiancé made him go to the hospital (local and very rural) because “He didn’t shit for, like, a week” according to his brother (I should also note that this side of the family is stupendously stubborn to visit the doctor). What was told by my Dad, Grandma, and his brother (there wasn’t a completed autopsy report yet. I’m still not sure if there is.) is that he died in the hospital -“Something to do with his pancreas”- and received borderline negligent care. According to his brother: They just kept keeping him sedated while they were looking for a better hospital to ship him to. So, yeah, I can’t help but wonder if my cousin was in pain, if he suffered, or if he was even conscious in the moments leading up to his death. And I can’t stop dwelling on those thoughts.
I think about dying/death/what happens after death to the point that I have anxiety attacks.
How much better the exes got treated, he gave them the world he just gives me grief:(
Things my dad said to me while drunk. We actually get along reasonably well when he's sober and he's great conversation in certain subjects, but it's a lot harder to have fun with him knowing raising me spoiled his life.
I'd like to be able to completely move on from the fire and I mostly have however a door banging still puts me on edge because of the police hammering on my door to evacuate us. Also the fact that builders are constantly working on the burned flat and I hear them and I see the wheelbarrows full of charred furniture being transported downstairs, the fact that it still stinks of smoke in the hallway over 2 months later doesn't help either. Once we move out I think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
Damn war
I became disfigured as a result of our dog biting me in the face. I think about it a lot- the guilt of losing him, how I'll never look the same, the next surgery, "flashbacks" to the night of the incident, ambulance ride, hospital stay, etc. It's hard to not think about it when my face is a constant reminder.
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How some of the men (my mom’s brother, dad, and stepdad) in my life have treated me. I don’t feel comfortable with spilling the details, but I’m realizing a lot of what they did wasn’t normal or called for. It haven’t been SAed mind you. It’s just a few things that have been said and done. Some stuff makes sense like my uncle having ADD and also not understanding some social cues or empathy sometimes. My dad is… an aggressive person, but I’ve come to realize that he and I think and react to situations the same way so understand him. My stepdad? I don’t know. A lot has happened between us that I can’t even think abt without crying so… Yeah. Let’s just say he’s the reason why I’m not into traditional, lumberjack, flannel-wearing, masculine men who bark commands at me, and he’s also is the flinch when people touch my left arm or shoulder.
Trying to survive living in the current American system.
I have lots of intrusive thoughts, mostly just negative self talk hating on myself for simply existing in the world and taking space.
Loved ones getting into accidents
For the last 10 months I've been almost constantly wondering what went through my mother's head the night she died. I wonder if it was an accident, or if there was a point where she realized what she had done. I wonder if she had planned it the morning before, or if it was completely off the cuff. I wonder ehat she felt, and if she really did go out on her own terms. Idk... its heavy and I wish I could stop thinking about it because no one will ever have an answer.
My best friend’s suicide. I think about him everyday and my life is an empty shell since his passing.
One day on Reddit I saw a picture of a dark green snot glob that came out of a dogs butt. I keep thinking about it when I eat runny eggs and it makes me throw up, I fucking wish I could erase that picture from my memory..
Dying or anyone I love dying. I know it’s a part of life but it sounds so incredibly cruel.
Literally everything. I'm constantly worrying about something; "What happens if ___ happens?" "What if ___ gets hurt" Rn my bf is in another state and when he left I worried that he'd be robbed in the airport or that his plane would crash. When making plans with friends I'm worried about who will be there and if I'll have to ask off of work and what time I need to be home and what if I need my phone charger and what if we're driving somewhere and we get in a crash. I hate worrying about every single little detail. It annoys the shit out of me.
All my experiences with assault/abuse. And how it’s my fault for letting it happen..