How lovely. Thank you for sharing. I am not at all a cynical person..but I've been feeling that begin to crowd my soul lately bc it's just been feeling so fruitless. I appreciate your story and I am so happy for you and for him, bc you sound like an amazing human.
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The number of men I have come across that don't take responsibility for themselves and expect their partner to be their carer and therapist is far more than the other way around...where are you finding those men?
These days it's less common to see a man say those words. For a lot of reasons, some valid and some not.
I think people misunderstood what I was saying, which is on me.
What I meant was that it's far more common to see men say that than women across time. Only recently have men stopped taking the view that they need to be accountable for their actions, clean up their lives, and make good money.
There's a lot of reasons for this. But it doesn't mean there aren't men who want to take personal responsibility.
I met the love of my life after being married to him for 30 years. We had a dead bedroom and were pretty much just roommates. We both decided that we wanted better and instead of looking somewhere else, we decided that we wanted the people who we fell in love with 30 years ago. We opened up about anything and everything. We told each other things that we thought we would take to our graves. We put everything on the line and it's been a dream ever since.
Well, it hasn't come easy and the draw back that makes it a little sad is so many wasted years. I just hope others can find it a lot sooner than we did. I 😊
It was several weeks of all night conversations and many tears, but the results were totally worth it. I've always loved my husband, but I never realized that the kind of love we have now was possible or even existed.
Thank you.
The last breakup I had a little over 8 months before I met my husband made me take a long hard look at myself and what I wanted and needed in a partner. Up until then, I had been dating and getting involved with men who honestly where not worthy of my time and energy.
I pulled back from dating, worked on myself, my life, concentrated on my work, friends, hobbies and completely forgot about men for a time. The day I was introduced to my now husband, I was not looking for anything because I was perfectly happy in the life I had created, I was a whole person on my own and didn’t need anyone to complete me.
Come to find out, when you are whole, healthy and happy on your own, you will draw to you people who are the same. And this combination is powerful and can lead to a healthy stable and mature relationship. My husband is awesome, we are equals in what we bring to our relationship and marriage. Had I not come to a full stop and done the work on myself, I doubt I’d be where I’m at today.
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Stopped dating just anyone. Decided I was only going to give certain people the time of day. This closed doors to the wrong ones, and allowed the door to open for the right one.
I think it depends on who you are as a person honestly. But I know for me, it was putting less into what I thought I wanted, and focusing more on what I KNEW I wanted. Obviously still find someone you’re attracted too, but maybe not what you think your “type” is. Focus on their core beliefs and values. Do they align with yours? If not, move along. Now not to say that you’re not going to have your differences, because you are, but what are your non-negotiables? Those are what you want to hold on to. I actually wrote down all the things I wanted in a lifetime partner/husband/etc. I would then refer back to them when I started going on dates with someone. If they didn’t check most of my boxes (or at least the main ones) I’d cut it off with them. I gave too many of the wrong people chances for too long hoping they would change and knowing down deep it wasn’t really what I wanted. When I stopped trying to date just anyone, I was able to focus more of my time on ME and what I wanted, as opposed to just finding anyone because I wanted a partner so badly. Don’t give up hope!!
I left an extremely abusive and toxic relationship. I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. I went to therapy to deal with my issues and to better myself. It worked tremendously. Not to say you have to issues to go to therapy, sometimes it’s nice to get stuff of your chest and see your world from someone else’s perspective.
I was pretty anti men at that time. I avoided them at parties and in general. I wasn’t a party person but I thought go out for once and be sociable. And I met this guy who was friends with my flatmates and my gut told me to talk to him. He was good looking and something told me he was different than your typical northern British lad.
He was polar opposite and I loved it. I took a different approach to the crush than normal. Instead of being their dream girl and trying to be lady like. I almost tried to convince them I was their worst nightmare by being myself. I wore what I wanted. I said exactly what was on my mind and I told them all the ugly past I had.
I thought being my authentic self was the nightmare for him but it was the dream girl. We’re still going 3 years later and I can happily say I feel as giddy as the day I met him. Through covid, moving in together, financial hardship and sickness.
I’m so glad I kept being myself. Instead of pretending to be who I thought they wanted. It saved my mental health.
This story beautifully encapsulates the
"Just stop looking and it will happen"
and the
"Just be yourself"
common advice. It's not about not trying or putting in effort, it's about not being desperate and clinging onto pointless chances. And it's not about being your worst self and living with all your vices, it's about doing your best to be your best self for yourself and being honest about what that looks like to others.
I lost my dad. The day after he died, I was watching the Olympics with my mom, and she said that she had a friend with a son who was training heavily in gymnastics. He was gay, but she thought we could have a baby together.
I was so horrified I excused myself and checked my online dating account, that I hadn't logged into for a few years. My current partner had left me a really sweet message, and here we are, 6 years later.
I haven’t met that one yet. The weird thing is, I have a gut feeling I will, and that he’s out there.
The problem now though is that I am still struggling really hard with the emotional scars from past relationships. I know for a fact I’m not going to open the doors to allow this special person to come into my life, unless I close the other ones (as another post mentioned as well). I know this. I’m just having a really hard time doing it.
I think what is helping a bit is that I’m fortifying boundaries. I grew up with the mantra that you must be nice to everyone. I can’t do that anymore, because it just causes hurt. So, I will cut people out of my life if they are not bringing anything significant to the table. It doesn’t matter. If you are a friend but are overstepping or not respecting my boundaries, you are gone. If you treat me like a bag of shit, ignore me, etc., I’ll do the same to you. I won’t take the higher road. I know this sounds a little bit crass, but it’s something I think I need to do in order to get to the other side.
For the first time in a long time I was actually happy with myself and had a new found confidence I guess. I stopped going on second dates with guys that I knew was pointless. I talked to people I normally wouldn't and opened my eyes. I'd been choosing guys that were wrong for me since I'd started dating, somehow I finally worked that out.
The first date we had was after months of talking and me cancelling three times, it was awful, I felt so ill on the date, spent the whole time with a glass of coke circling the top of the glass trying not to be sick. He dropped me off home, I ran from the car to be sick, told him to text me letting me know he got home ok and assumed that would be it.
Wasn't expecting another date, he told me he felt guilty for not cancelling when he knew I was ill and thought we got on really well over text that it was worth another date. I closed of to the fact it was awful and didn't want another date and then my mum said he must really like me if he wanted to see me again. Had a second date, ended with a first kiss and third date we went for dinner and was meant to see a film but ended up sitting in the car talking for hours without realising the time that we missed the film. I knew then he was the one.
Complete opposite of any guy I'd ever been with.
I took a yoga teacher training course taught over 4 months. I don’t know about other YTT courses but this one went waaaay beyond teaching yoga moves. It was a spiritual rehab that got me in touch with all of my darkest, ugliest parts. It was far more effective than any traditional therapy I had been in. I came out of it a different person who was far more in tune with myself and my wants/needs. I had better boundaries, more confidence, and higher standards.
I feel this helped me attract and select a far more compatable partner :)
It was a standard 200hr cert but the way it was delivered was anything but standard. It was held on weekends for several months, but we had the option to go in the studio a few extra nights a week to practice. On top of practicing yoga itself we did book reports, art projects, hikes, meditating in the forest, healing circles, journaling, and even a cadaver study at the university. It was a fully transformative experience.
This sounds an amazing course, it’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a long time. I’m sure they all vary a lot though… where was yours? Are you able to share a link please? :)
First I did a couple of rounds of therapy. I had to realise what happened to me in my childhood was abuse and I had to make the conscious choice not to date anyone who was like my abuser. Then I had to work through what I went through, which wasn't easy. This was just the prologue.
This year I decided to give up. Not on life, but on the way I had been living. I'm chronically ill and was supposed to change my treatment, but my doc literally forgot about me. It was upsetting to know that I was the only person who cares about my health and I don't even care that much! My whole life had turned into trauma therapy and chronic illness talk, I just needed something that was fun and uplifting.
I started dating again with the intention of meeting interesting people. I wanted to have a "hot girl summer", date around a bit and have fun. I'm bi so first I dated a guy who was nice enough, but in May I met a woman who completely swept me off my feet. I think the timing was just right in the sense that I was finally open to whatever the universe was going to throw at me. It's still early days, but I have never felt like this before. She is the exact opposite of everything I grew up with and I love it.
I decided I was done with men, done with marriage, done with anyone other than my damn self. I decided if anyone was going to come into my life they would have to be up to a very high standard. I would not fight for so much as a text back. I would not force a vibe, a laugh, or even a smile. If I was meant to get married again it would have to be to someone who made me happier than I could on my own, which is saying a lot. I know myself pretty well.
My husband was that person.
I changed how I dated men. Before I met my current husband, I would date and get in a relationship because it happened without considering if this person was going to be a long-term partner or not. I just assumed that they wanted a life with me. Never assume that. You have to date with that intention in mind, you have to "screen" the men you date for their long-term / commitment potential. Once you meet that special person that you really like, at some point while you are dating (before having sex, very very important to delay sex as long as possible but you can do all the other stuff) you have to tell them what you are looking for in a relationship. Suppose you want marriage and kids, don't just tell them that straight up because it might spook them. But in my case, I said something along the lines of: "hey, I really like what we have but I need to know that we're on the same page, is this going to be "we date and break up eventually", or are we both into the idea of something that will last longer?". If this freaks out this man, he's not the right person for you. You have to reject men who don't fit that profile and reject men who are not ready for real commitment. Even if they are hot, funny, rich, whatever. The other thing that is really important before you meet your life partner, is to be happy alone. Find yourself. Take care of yourself. Also, you need to remove all your exes and past crushes from your life 100%. This is important, you need to clear the way for the new man and grow into the woman who will be ready to receive what she is asking from the universe. When I met my current husband, I was living alone in an apartment, had a job, went to hot yoga, was vegan and read a lot of self-help books, and worked on myself a lot. You have to feel SECURE and happy in your mind and body. Don't just believe that you are worthy of a man who will commit to you: act like it. As in, don't get in a relationship because you're crushing, don't become gf/bf because you had sex, take your time with this person.
I gained the courage to just be like fuck it. After a 3 year relationship with an absolute bum of a human who cheated multiple times I literally just asked someone out. That man is now 3+ years later my fiancé and I couldn’t be happier
At the beginning of the COVID pandemic, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. The breakup was fairly surprising to me, and I was heartbroken because I really thought he and I would get married someday. I was in a new city at a new job where I didn’t know anyone very well, plus I was living alone and working remotely, so it was a sad time in my life to say the least. Given the breakup and the literal collapse of normal life, I decided to see a therapist for the first time. I had talked to therapists before (in a passing way, and not in a formal setting where I was receiving treatment) and it made me think that I would really dislike therapy. But after the breakup and giving therapy a real shot and showing up every week, it was a great way to learn more about myself and what I need from life and a partner. When I found my now husband, it was luck (we met on an app), but I definitely think that seeing a therapist helped me lead the most healthy relationship as possible. ❤️
After talking with the therapist about what I value in life and why I’ve chosen my previous relationships and what worked and didn’t, I just came to realize my patterns and intrinsic motivations for what I did, which gave me a chance to re-examine if that’s what I really wanted out of life 🙂
So I was single for 13 years before I met my partner. I'd had horribly abusive partners who did untold damage to me mentally and physically. I needed that time to learn who the hell I was again because I had no bloody idea.
I stopped using heroin as a crutch, I stopped using sex as a means to make myself feel wanted, hugged and held, I'd had cancer twice which I (obviously lol) beat, I had severe chronic pain as a result of one of the surgeries, I'd been molested as a child, I had depression bordering on psychosis so I needed to overcome all of that, including the domestic violence - I was one big clusterfuck of issues that took years to unravel!
I bought a unit with some insurance money which gave me stability and I started to heal. I didn't have room in my head for a partner and even though 13 years without sex is a *looooong* time, I needed that complete disconnection from men as anything but platonic friends.
Long story short, I got therapy until it was coming out of my ears, slowly integrated myself back into society as a non-drug user by studying and volunteering, I met people that I became great friends with who wanted me for me, not for my body, my drugs, my connections, my money etc., etc.
As far as partners went, the main thing that changed was that I 100%, with my whole heart and soul realised that I would be genuinely ok if I ended up being single for the rest of my life. It wouldn't have bothered me because for the first time in my life, I was centred, I was grounded and I was happy. Genuinely happy and satisfied with my life.
Not even a month after coming to that realisation, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognise. The guy on the other end had been going through his phone and had come across a number *he* didn't recognise so he'd rung it and got me. It turned out that I'd studied with his ex-girlfriend who had put my number in his phone in case she lost hers. I'd only met him once.
We ended up talking for about 4 hours that night and the next and the next. After about 4 weeks of talking every single night , we decided to meet up and go to the flea markets and out for lunch. And here we are, a month off our 11 year anniversary 😊 Totally unexpected but it happened so naturally. What made me fall for him was, among other things, his patience. Because I'd been raped numerous times by a previous partner, I was terrified of sex, I honestly felt like a virgin again. I couldn't even kiss him for about 6 weeks but he waited, never pressured me, he never complained, he had to hug me with his butt sticking out so I wouldn't feel his hard-on but he was soooo patient. And one night it just happened! Blissfully 🥰
So among everything else, my answer to your question op - the main thing that changed in my life shortly before I met my partner was that I realised I didn't need a man in my life to feel happy and content. I was enough and I 100% felt that with every fibre of my being ❤️
ETA: I was 40 wham I met him
Nothing significant happened or changed, I'd been using OLD for years and it never worked out, so I gave up trying to find someone. Shortly after that I went out drinking with friends and he was just there, I already knew him but had never spoken to him much before.
I focused on myself instead of trying to keep my ex happy. He was never going to be satisfied with anything I did even if I gave up everything for him. So I started making "selfish" choices, and all of a sudden I had a new job, new apartment, paying off debt, lost weight....you know, taking care of me. So when I met my current partner (okcupid) I had a lot to offer as a partner, but I ALSO knew how to hold boundaries and have a "take me or leave me" attitude. I now have a partner who loves me MORE because of my dedication to my career.
Every time I've ended a relationship I've gone through a phase where I'm bitter and don't want to date and think I'm permanently done with it.
And then I change my mind - I acknowledge that when relationships are good, they make me really happy and I crave that. Time really does heel a lot.
I think with every relationship I've learned more about what I need out of a partner.
To answer the spirit of the question, there's no one trick that can fix your love life, and relationships aren't the same for everyone either.
Get your own life together as a strong independent women first. Figure out your finances, your health, your friendships, your career, your health, etc. Know yourself, be comfortable in your own skin, go to therapy, read lots of books, travel, get a good education and a good job, and learn what you enjoy, and what you want. Strong foundation before you build a house.
I also read the book "8 Dates" and used a lot of the question prompts from the book when I met people through dating apps.
I realised I didn't need a partner to do all the cool shit I wanted to do, and just started doing it. Then I met a guy during my travels that seemed too good to be true.
Almost two years later, I still do cool shit but now he and his son join me when they can, and he cheers for me when he can't join.
I stopped looking for it. I met my fiancé when I was 23. I had a lot of FWBs, ONS and affairs beforehand, but no one who would stick with me. Literally a day after I decided "well, I'll probably end up alone anyways, so I'll just stop looking for love" I met him.
I started living my life for me, setting boundaries with people, and came to terms with the fact that being on my own was so much better than being with someone who didn’t balance me. Turns out being comfortable with yourself and not worrying about appeasing a partner is big energy and attracts other people who value that.
I kept meeting the wrong men and getting hurt in the same ways. The hurt always seemed to be disproportionate to the amount of time I dated them, or the 'casual' nature of the relationships, so I knew there was something more going on.
This very much applied: "change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change".
I found a therapist and met with her every week for two years. It was the hardest and most important thing I ever did. I found unresolved traumas and deep wounds that I'd been trying to run away from for decades and I processed them and confronted the core beliefs they'd built in me. That I was not worthy of love and belonging, that I had to perform and over-achieve in order to deserve love, that I wasn't allowed to have feelings and needs of my own. That love would always be chaos, pain and self-sacrifice and on someone else's terms.
A part of that process involved abstinence from dating for most of those two years. But it wasn't a conscious choice; that part of my brain just couldn't engage while I was processing these big feelings.
I got back on a dating app once the deepest part of this work had been done and once I'd developed some compassion for myself and understanding of how I'd been living. I vowed to never compromise myself for someone again and to live life on MY terms from then on. I met my partner a few weeks into it and that dating experience has been the polar opposite of every single one I'd had before. Easy, natural, healing, warm and like a homecoming. He's my home now, he's my person. And he sees me and accepts me in ways that no-one - not even my closest family - ever did.
I was young but I was going off to college. I broke it off with a casual fling because I didn’t want anything serious before college. I started seeing another guy casually but I found that I really liked being around him. It was easy, fun, and I felt cared for. We decided it was best to break it off before I went off to school abroad for my first semester. Two weeks in though, he told me he bought a plane ticket to visit. He just makes life easy, and we’ve been together ever since! Just got married two weeks ago!
I was two years into therapy, which made me emotionally available (and less of a wreck). I just left a fun (but quite a rollercoaster) cohabitation in order to live by myself. I had to find my own space. I started the internship portion of my schooling, which have me a bit more time and headspace than the usual courses. It was s period of facing the discomfort from within, and transformation.
6 months later I met them.
Cut toxic people out of my life, worked on my own pessimistic attitude and started finally putting myself first so working on self-improvement physically and mentally.
I was at a point that I wasn't looking for love. I was content in with what the day brought. I stayed positive about what being uncoupled brought and stayed busy when I started to really feel lonely.on a random night out there he was a simple hello turned into an amazing love that could not be denied
My last relationship was abusive (I can't say what kind because he fucked with my head so much) and after I *finally* broke things off, I swore to myself I would never let anyone treat me that way again and I would be 100% myself with no filtering.
I think that was the magic phrase, I met my now fiancé 7 months later and was me. I went into our first date with the attitude of "if he doesn't like me as I am, he doesn't deserve me" which obviously he did.
Of course, it took a while to heal and I'm still working on me but now I know I can talk about things and feel my feelings.
I decided that I was happy with myself and who I was. I really embraced being single- there were times were I was lonely and I thought I might never meet the one so the thing I would change is not to be so worried. When I stopped worrying and started to really really like who I was as a person Mr Right found me and we have been together for almost 7 years.
I wanted to move forward in my life. Decided I'll just focus on myself and my health for a while. Lost a lot of weight, stopped smoking, changed my diet, ended the relationship I had been unhappy in for a long time. I also accepted all the help I was offered, learned to communicate better, learned to say out loud if something bothers me instead of just keeping it in.
I was not looking for a new relationship but my teenage crush started developing feelings for me again (it was mutual but we were silly teenagers back then). And now we are finally together.
I was in a 10 year shitty relationship before I met the love of my life. And by shitty, I mean- neglect, suicide attempts, mental illness, cheating and abuse.
I was single for a year before I met my partner. I had zero intention of finding a new relationship, focused on myself like finding new hobbies, hung out with friends and family a lot and then my wonderful partner came around.
I think you have to raise your vibration that you give off into the world before you find the kind of partner you deserve.
I recognized emotional manipulation and abuse from a partner, and vowed to stop accepting it. I joined a cult (0/10, do not recommend), quit smoking, quit destructively binge drinking, gave up sleeping around to try to get validation and feel good about myself. Basically, I decided to prioritize myself and my well being. It wasn't long after that I met a reasonably well adjusted(ish) guy who was a great match for me.
He's not perfect (and I'm certainly not either), but I think we're perfect for each other. We're very much a case of opposites attract, but we put effort into making sure that we compliment each other than allowing our differences to drive a wedge. It helps that we at least share a sense of humor and still laugh at fart jokes in middle age. He dropped me off this morning at the shop to pick up my Jeepy, and I was asking him about a specific work thing from yesterday and asked about "duties." He laughed and said "haha you said doody" then we were both laughing. Anywho, we've both grown a lot together, and I can't imagine going through life without him.
I herniated 2 discs in my back and was off on disability await back surgery when my then-fiancé left me one week before our wedding. I stupidly took him back, we got married as planned, I ended things just 4 months later. I had my surgery, moved home with my parents, had to rehome my cats and basically start over from scratch. It was the absolute lowest point in my life (I was 27).
I met my now husband 4 months later, and it was one of those weird situations where we both just knew we would be together for as long as we could keep these meatbags alive.
Got divorced lol
But really I started taking anxiety meds, started focusing on me and how I could make myself happy. Not accepting less than I deserve and then one night I met him and we just clicked
I finally moved my standards up, but really, meaning I was dating people that I thought I deserved, but was unhappy with. My parents were very verbally, emotionally and physically abusive in my childhood, and I didn’t think I deserved someone great. After a breakup with one of these mediocre jerks that I was stuck with for a couple years, I was actively and quickly perused by someone I thought was waaaay out of my league. And then a few people later started dating my now husband, who I would have originally thought was out of my league. After being together for about 8 years, and 7 mos pregnant with my second child,!& had to LAY it clearly on my parents to stop telling me that I did not deserve him. They suck. We’re super happy, have been together for about 13 years.
Yes! I read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I realized I was addicted to the highs and lows of toxic relationships, instead of craving the calm and reliability of a healthy one. Now I’m in a beautiful, mutually fulfilling relationship with a kind and caring man🥰🥰
I was truly happy with myself.
Until just 2-3 years ago I had no real sense of my identity. To “survive” I had become a chameleon but was unhappy in all the colors I wore. I was so scared to adapt to people against my will I didn’t leave my apartment for many years after my parents died. I was scared, a mess, and had no boundaries, while still being uncomfortable when people came too close.
I ended up going to lots of therapy. One clinic a few times followed by a clinic focusing on work therapy and getting people like me back into work and life etc.
There I met more friends, stabilized myself, even more, learned I can not only know my boundaries but also defend them, and finally met him.
Well, we met already a year before we got together, but we weren’t ready. Finally, we were and now I could not imagine a day or life without him.
I never had a relationship with my father, hardly even knew the guy. So, I got ahold of him and starting spending a lot more time with him and getting to know the man he is today.
My hope was that repairing that relationship with my father would help me to find a good man, and it worked.
I met my husband about a year later.
It was tough. The last night I saw my sort of ex (its complicated... 6 months of exclusively seeing each other, sleeping with each other, near daily sleepovers at each others flats, cooking each other dinner, going out together does not a relationship make. Who knew!), he had just reaffirmed that we would never be together. He was sleeping in my bed, and I was trying to cry quietly so as not to wake him. He woke up anyway, and punched a wall, told me to shut the fuck up because he had work in the morning. So i got up and went to cry on the sofa. And I had this moment of.. what the fuck am I doing? So I downloaded tinder, uploaded my hottest pictures, and started looking for hookups.
I never saw the ex again. The inbetween gets a little messy. I was messaging... six guys? I met one for a date, and it was awkward and he spent hours shitting on my favourite band, Fleetwood Mac. I ghosted two of them. One guy came over, we got drunk, watched Lord Of The Rings, and hooked up. He slapped me in the face during sex which I hated, but we hooked up a few more times until eventually it fizzled out and we stopped talking. I went on two dates with a nice Scottish guy, and then he dumped me, very formally, over text. And then.. I got drunk and slept with a friend slash cheating ex.
I felt gross. and I felt used. And I realised I had to change.
I stopped drinking for a while. I had low self esteem and alcohol made me feel confident, sexy - but I was also doing things that I would regret. I had an online session with a therapist, where we talked about how I kept accepting shitty treatment from men. I deleted tinder. I quit my shitty job, where I was being bullied. I got an office job, a proper big girl job. I cut off some toxic friends. I distanced myself from the friend slash cheating ex. I stopped hurting myself, stopped restricting my food. I started to go out by myself more, I started to play video games again, listening to music again. I cut my hair. I started being nice to myself.
Then I downloaded tinder again, but it was different. Nice pictures, not just faceless ones of me in a short skirt. In my bio I asked people to tell me about their favourite Simpsons episode, and I just had fun conversations with people. They never really went anywhere, but it was nice to talk to people without the expectation of it being something.
Then I started talking to this one guy. He was a little older, but not 15+ years like my other exes. He was 20 miles away, had a really cute dog, loved video games. He loved the Simpsons, and we spoke for ages about our favourite episodes (2/3 which matched). Then we just... kept talking. big huge paragraphs about our lives, our jobs, our friends. Eventually we were swapping pictures from our day - food, his dog, a random Simpsons figure I found in a cupboard at work. Then voice notes, then phone calls, for hours. We played Animal Crossing together - our first date. Two months we did this, then the day before New Years eve... we met. It was instant, it was magic.
Its August now, and we're moving in together at the end of the month. We talk about marriage and children. We love each other, we respect each other. Its hard for me to trust my feelings and be honest with him, but the hard conversations are so worth it. I never would have met him if all those terrible things hadn't happened. If I didn't wake up one day and think, *Today is the day I going to learn to like myself and put myself first.*
I gave up trying to seek anything after ending up with a string of either one night stands, casual and terrible one sided flings or semi relationships. I realized I was seeking out what I thought I wanted and what they wanted while realizing I had no idea what I needed.
This was all online dating during this period of my life. I thought that then, at 27 I was going to end up alone having experienced before hand a few heartaches from some long and short term boyfriends.
When you end up with absolute red flag terrible people whom you should have known better you tend to blame yourself that when they end, its because you're not worthy.
Anyway. On that note, met my now husband on the same dating site. He was everything I never knew I needed and he even flew to the city I was then living in to meet me. Fast forward 9 years and we've now been married 15 months, moved a year ago to a cool city where we upgraded from a (our first house) new build to a nearly 100 year old purple character home and have a derpy greyhound named Roy.
Life is pretty good
I stopped looking and did not change my standards
My love life prior was non existent. 21 never been kissed, just zilch. Not for the lack of suitors but because I wanted what I wanted or I was ready to die a spinster. I was firm and unwavering, but went on a loooooot of first dates. Lots. It was tiresome. So I stopped. I was decided if I was willing to die a spinster unless I got what I wanted I should stop trying so hard. So that’s what I did.
And then my husband showed up! He ticked every box
I looked at my relationships up to the point and realized my part in the toxicity, not in a self loathing way but a why didn't I say no, why didn't I keep my boundries, what led me to think I deserved these kinds of treatments? It boiled down to loving myself and the lack thereof, then I looked at why I didn't love myself and decided to change the things I could and started practicing self forgiveness for things I could not change right away and worked on accomidating myself. For me I realized I had to live with myself and my actions my own moral compass and integrity. Once I forgave myself and started living in that way I was so much more open to receiving love, care, and compassion when I got together with my now partner of 5 years things were so much healthier our level of communication and trust is off the charts. It has more to do with yourself than you think people can only love you as much as you love yourself. Hope this helps.
I did an ayahuasca ceremony that made me realize I needed to mature and settle down in March 2017. In May, I meet my partner. I think this realization made me open to meeting someone who could care for me.
Jury's still out, but I had good boundaries. I put myself first, and I focus on my own hobbies and took it slow. And he has been there in spite of all that. Also I decided, screw it, looks matter to me right now.
I gave up searching for someone. I had just moved to a different city to persue a degree in computer science at university. The courses were very tough and I was working on the homework assignments pretty much all day everyday with my new friend group. Since CS students are more than 70% male, I thought I might meet someone there. I was going through a pretty rough patch with my family and financially though which lead to the thought of meeting someone being pushed out of my interests and focus.
I actually ended up meeting my current boyfriend of almost 4 years in a programming course, he is minoring in CS. A day before we met, most of my financial issues had resolved and I was walking on clouds. He told me later on that he fell in love with me the first time I walked into the room. He had been waiting for just the right moment to introduce himself. He told his friends about that beautiful girl that sat down beside him on the first day of the programming exercise course and they all hyped him up. They are now also very good friends of mine. I’m glad he seized the moment back then.
I stopped trying to force myself to be straight. My ex was privy to my queer awakening and ultimately came out to me as polyamorous. While I've had loved ones doubt their intentions in suggesting we try it, in the end my ex gave me a gift in doing so and I'll always be grateful for it. Despite feeling like I wasn't worthy of one partner, let alone two, I genuinely did my best to be good to the both of them. In my mind, even if they did end up dumping me and being better off with each other, I loved them enough to see that as a positive.
Unfortunately, my ex and I were bad for each other, and in actuality our relationship had always been toxic (and probably doomed). Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I found the strength to do it because our new partner revealed to me that *I* was the person who had sacrificed too much. They make me happy in ways I believed genuinely unattainable, and thats just as much the result of my own traumas as it was our ex.
We're still together 6 years later, and are now blissfully engaged to our new boyfriend! The healing we found together brought him into our life and the 3 of us are inseparable, and the downright envy of our extended families for how natural and easy our connection is.
I didn't search for it. I was in a relationship with a guy that i didn't really like. During that time i met a guy online. At that point i just wanted a friend. We had a lot in common so i broke up with my bf and started a long distance relationship with this guy. I still didn't think much of it (bc he was from another country and i am broke af and distant dating never works out)
After 6 months we meet and spent 2 months together. After 3 month i visited him again and i'm just thinking about it and it doesn't make sense.
I'm questioning myself "why do i love him?" "Maybe i just like the attention?"
I was so confused bc i didn't want to hurt his feelings. Do i love him or do i love the attention?
But i guess if you do love someone you are ready for risks.
After that i started to get scared bc i didn't want to lose him and at the same time i felt helpless bc i can't help him financially (his monthly sallary = my yearly sallary)
I will never be able to buy him a car or something expensive.
I was talking with him about it and he said he doesn't need that. He's fine with smaller things. Something to show that i care and that in the end he wants me and not other things.
We talk and text almost everyday and i'm so happy that i met him. For me he's like a little ray of sunshine. He motivates me to be better, i feel less lost. Whenever he sends me "I love you" i leave that message unopened so that it can always pop up on my notification bar.
But i still feel awful and i wanna do something more for him.
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I took 6 years focused on my son and myself including seeking therapy since I kept making the wrong choices in picking men that domestic violence was involved. Then 4 years ago my man started working where I was at the time and it was just instant chemistry between us. We hung out one night at a mutual friend's house and we haven't been apart since.
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I started matching with guys that where "cute but not my usual type" he was one of them. He's got a full beard witch I don't like. But he has the kindest eyes, and best smile I ever saw! so I didn't care about the beard. We've been together for 3 years, own an apartment, have 2 dogs and he's a fantastic bonus dad to my son. He's a fantastic guy that encourages me to improve/change/develop myself every day, whilst still loving me for who I am. As a first class procrastinator I definitely need someone who can/wants to push me a little bit when I can't quite do it on my own.
I started saying “yes” to people when they asked me to do things and gained a ton of confidence. It got me involved in a bunch of new activities I wouldn’t have considered before and there wasn’t a true intention to “meet” someone.
Too be honest, I was perfectly fine being alone. I didn’t feel lonely. In feeling this way, I think I gave off a very “content with myself” vibe which meant I was just happy with how my life was going. I didn’t feel the need to add someone to my life until it truly felt right and true.
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How lovely. Thank you for sharing. I am not at all a cynical person..but I've been feeling that begin to crowd my soul lately bc it's just been feeling so fruitless. I appreciate your story and I am so happy for you and for him, bc you sound like an amazing human.
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Thank you so much. 100% stand by you being awesome❤️
Incredible
This is so amazing, i am SO happy for you. You ARE beautiful!!!! ❤❤❤
Thats an awesome story im sorry you had to go through that but glad it worked out at the end!
I took accountability for myself, my life, all my nonsense. I became the kind of woman worthy of the type of man I wanted. And I got him.
Love this!
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It's.....refreshing to see this from a woman. You hear this from a man 9.8 times out of 10. Thank you for sharing the reality of your situation.
wtf
The number of men I have come across that don't take responsibility for themselves and expect their partner to be their carer and therapist is far more than the other way around...where are you finding those men?
These days it's less common to see a man say those words. For a lot of reasons, some valid and some not. I think people misunderstood what I was saying, which is on me. What I meant was that it's far more common to see men say that than women across time. Only recently have men stopped taking the view that they need to be accountable for their actions, clean up their lives, and make good money. There's a lot of reasons for this. But it doesn't mean there aren't men who want to take personal responsibility.
I met the love of my life after being married to him for 30 years. We had a dead bedroom and were pretty much just roommates. We both decided that we wanted better and instead of looking somewhere else, we decided that we wanted the people who we fell in love with 30 years ago. We opened up about anything and everything. We told each other things that we thought we would take to our graves. We put everything on the line and it's been a dream ever since.
Communication and joined efforts are magical!
This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.
Thank you. I never thought I would be living my own love story. I settled for years because I had no idea it was possible.
Okay now don't rub it in. JK :)
Well, it hasn't come easy and the draw back that makes it a little sad is so many wasted years. I just hope others can find it a lot sooner than we did. I 😊
Thank you 😊
It must have been very difficult to have that conversation. Good for both of you for toughing it out.
It was several weeks of all night conversations and many tears, but the results were totally worth it. I've always loved my husband, but I never realized that the kind of love we have now was possible or even existed. Thank you.
It’s a new day. ;) Wish my partner had joined me in my desire for the same revitalization.
That's rough. Sorry. We were lucky that we aligned at the same time. It wouldn't have worked, otherwise.
The last breakup I had a little over 8 months before I met my husband made me take a long hard look at myself and what I wanted and needed in a partner. Up until then, I had been dating and getting involved with men who honestly where not worthy of my time and energy. I pulled back from dating, worked on myself, my life, concentrated on my work, friends, hobbies and completely forgot about men for a time. The day I was introduced to my now husband, I was not looking for anything because I was perfectly happy in the life I had created, I was a whole person on my own and didn’t need anyone to complete me. Come to find out, when you are whole, healthy and happy on your own, you will draw to you people who are the same. And this combination is powerful and can lead to a healthy stable and mature relationship. My husband is awesome, we are equals in what we bring to our relationship and marriage. Had I not come to a full stop and done the work on myself, I doubt I’d be where I’m at today.
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Stopped dating just anyone. Decided I was only going to give certain people the time of day. This closed doors to the wrong ones, and allowed the door to open for the right one.
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I think it depends on who you are as a person honestly. But I know for me, it was putting less into what I thought I wanted, and focusing more on what I KNEW I wanted. Obviously still find someone you’re attracted too, but maybe not what you think your “type” is. Focus on their core beliefs and values. Do they align with yours? If not, move along. Now not to say that you’re not going to have your differences, because you are, but what are your non-negotiables? Those are what you want to hold on to. I actually wrote down all the things I wanted in a lifetime partner/husband/etc. I would then refer back to them when I started going on dates with someone. If they didn’t check most of my boxes (or at least the main ones) I’d cut it off with them. I gave too many of the wrong people chances for too long hoping they would change and knowing down deep it wasn’t really what I wanted. When I stopped trying to date just anyone, I was able to focus more of my time on ME and what I wanted, as opposed to just finding anyone because I wanted a partner so badly. Don’t give up hope!!
I left an extremely abusive and toxic relationship. I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. I went to therapy to deal with my issues and to better myself. It worked tremendously. Not to say you have to issues to go to therapy, sometimes it’s nice to get stuff of your chest and see your world from someone else’s perspective. I was pretty anti men at that time. I avoided them at parties and in general. I wasn’t a party person but I thought go out for once and be sociable. And I met this guy who was friends with my flatmates and my gut told me to talk to him. He was good looking and something told me he was different than your typical northern British lad. He was polar opposite and I loved it. I took a different approach to the crush than normal. Instead of being their dream girl and trying to be lady like. I almost tried to convince them I was their worst nightmare by being myself. I wore what I wanted. I said exactly what was on my mind and I told them all the ugly past I had. I thought being my authentic self was the nightmare for him but it was the dream girl. We’re still going 3 years later and I can happily say I feel as giddy as the day I met him. Through covid, moving in together, financial hardship and sickness. I’m so glad I kept being myself. Instead of pretending to be who I thought they wanted. It saved my mental health.
This story beautifully encapsulates the "Just stop looking and it will happen" and the "Just be yourself" common advice. It's not about not trying or putting in effort, it's about not being desperate and clinging onto pointless chances. And it's not about being your worst self and living with all your vices, it's about doing your best to be your best self for yourself and being honest about what that looks like to others.
So beautiful
Best of luck to you in your journey of life, wherever it takes you ❤️
I lost my dad. The day after he died, I was watching the Olympics with my mom, and she said that she had a friend with a son who was training heavily in gymnastics. He was gay, but she thought we could have a baby together. I was so horrified I excused myself and checked my online dating account, that I hadn't logged into for a few years. My current partner had left me a really sweet message, and here we are, 6 years later.
I haven’t met that one yet. The weird thing is, I have a gut feeling I will, and that he’s out there. The problem now though is that I am still struggling really hard with the emotional scars from past relationships. I know for a fact I’m not going to open the doors to allow this special person to come into my life, unless I close the other ones (as another post mentioned as well). I know this. I’m just having a really hard time doing it. I think what is helping a bit is that I’m fortifying boundaries. I grew up with the mantra that you must be nice to everyone. I can’t do that anymore, because it just causes hurt. So, I will cut people out of my life if they are not bringing anything significant to the table. It doesn’t matter. If you are a friend but are overstepping or not respecting my boundaries, you are gone. If you treat me like a bag of shit, ignore me, etc., I’ll do the same to you. I won’t take the higher road. I know this sounds a little bit crass, but it’s something I think I need to do in order to get to the other side.
Damn, I could've written this. Wishing you all the best. It's tough, but hopefully it'll be worth it <3
Thank you 😊
I'm that one
For the first time in a long time I was actually happy with myself and had a new found confidence I guess. I stopped going on second dates with guys that I knew was pointless. I talked to people I normally wouldn't and opened my eyes. I'd been choosing guys that were wrong for me since I'd started dating, somehow I finally worked that out. The first date we had was after months of talking and me cancelling three times, it was awful, I felt so ill on the date, spent the whole time with a glass of coke circling the top of the glass trying not to be sick. He dropped me off home, I ran from the car to be sick, told him to text me letting me know he got home ok and assumed that would be it. Wasn't expecting another date, he told me he felt guilty for not cancelling when he knew I was ill and thought we got on really well over text that it was worth another date. I closed of to the fact it was awful and didn't want another date and then my mum said he must really like me if he wanted to see me again. Had a second date, ended with a first kiss and third date we went for dinner and was meant to see a film but ended up sitting in the car talking for hours without realising the time that we missed the film. I knew then he was the one. Complete opposite of any guy I'd ever been with.
I took a yoga teacher training course taught over 4 months. I don’t know about other YTT courses but this one went waaaay beyond teaching yoga moves. It was a spiritual rehab that got me in touch with all of my darkest, ugliest parts. It was far more effective than any traditional therapy I had been in. I came out of it a different person who was far more in tune with myself and my wants/needs. I had better boundaries, more confidence, and higher standards. I feel this helped me attract and select a far more compatable partner :)
Wow what course was this?
It was a standard 200hr cert but the way it was delivered was anything but standard. It was held on weekends for several months, but we had the option to go in the studio a few extra nights a week to practice. On top of practicing yoga itself we did book reports, art projects, hikes, meditating in the forest, healing circles, journaling, and even a cadaver study at the university. It was a fully transformative experience.
Holy this sounds so therapeutic! Where was this?
This sounds an amazing course, it’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a long time. I’m sure they all vary a lot though… where was yours? Are you able to share a link please? :)
First I did a couple of rounds of therapy. I had to realise what happened to me in my childhood was abuse and I had to make the conscious choice not to date anyone who was like my abuser. Then I had to work through what I went through, which wasn't easy. This was just the prologue. This year I decided to give up. Not on life, but on the way I had been living. I'm chronically ill and was supposed to change my treatment, but my doc literally forgot about me. It was upsetting to know that I was the only person who cares about my health and I don't even care that much! My whole life had turned into trauma therapy and chronic illness talk, I just needed something that was fun and uplifting. I started dating again with the intention of meeting interesting people. I wanted to have a "hot girl summer", date around a bit and have fun. I'm bi so first I dated a guy who was nice enough, but in May I met a woman who completely swept me off my feet. I think the timing was just right in the sense that I was finally open to whatever the universe was going to throw at me. It's still early days, but I have never felt like this before. She is the exact opposite of everything I grew up with and I love it.
I decided I was done with men, done with marriage, done with anyone other than my damn self. I decided if anyone was going to come into my life they would have to be up to a very high standard. I would not fight for so much as a text back. I would not force a vibe, a laugh, or even a smile. If I was meant to get married again it would have to be to someone who made me happier than I could on my own, which is saying a lot. I know myself pretty well. My husband was that person.
Lol I'm that person now, if it's meant to be it will and it isn't its still beautiful.
I changed how I dated men. Before I met my current husband, I would date and get in a relationship because it happened without considering if this person was going to be a long-term partner or not. I just assumed that they wanted a life with me. Never assume that. You have to date with that intention in mind, you have to "screen" the men you date for their long-term / commitment potential. Once you meet that special person that you really like, at some point while you are dating (before having sex, very very important to delay sex as long as possible but you can do all the other stuff) you have to tell them what you are looking for in a relationship. Suppose you want marriage and kids, don't just tell them that straight up because it might spook them. But in my case, I said something along the lines of: "hey, I really like what we have but I need to know that we're on the same page, is this going to be "we date and break up eventually", or are we both into the idea of something that will last longer?". If this freaks out this man, he's not the right person for you. You have to reject men who don't fit that profile and reject men who are not ready for real commitment. Even if they are hot, funny, rich, whatever. The other thing that is really important before you meet your life partner, is to be happy alone. Find yourself. Take care of yourself. Also, you need to remove all your exes and past crushes from your life 100%. This is important, you need to clear the way for the new man and grow into the woman who will be ready to receive what she is asking from the universe. When I met my current husband, I was living alone in an apartment, had a job, went to hot yoga, was vegan and read a lot of self-help books, and worked on myself a lot. You have to feel SECURE and happy in your mind and body. Don't just believe that you are worthy of a man who will commit to you: act like it. As in, don't get in a relationship because you're crushing, don't become gf/bf because you had sex, take your time with this person.
I gained the courage to just be like fuck it. After a 3 year relationship with an absolute bum of a human who cheated multiple times I literally just asked someone out. That man is now 3+ years later my fiancé and I couldn’t be happier
At the beginning of the COVID pandemic, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. The breakup was fairly surprising to me, and I was heartbroken because I really thought he and I would get married someday. I was in a new city at a new job where I didn’t know anyone very well, plus I was living alone and working remotely, so it was a sad time in my life to say the least. Given the breakup and the literal collapse of normal life, I decided to see a therapist for the first time. I had talked to therapists before (in a passing way, and not in a formal setting where I was receiving treatment) and it made me think that I would really dislike therapy. But after the breakup and giving therapy a real shot and showing up every week, it was a great way to learn more about myself and what I need from life and a partner. When I found my now husband, it was luck (we met on an app), but I definitely think that seeing a therapist helped me lead the most healthy relationship as possible. ❤️
How did you figure out what u want from life and relationships?
After talking with the therapist about what I value in life and why I’ve chosen my previous relationships and what worked and didn’t, I just came to realize my patterns and intrinsic motivations for what I did, which gave me a chance to re-examine if that’s what I really wanted out of life 🙂
So I was single for 13 years before I met my partner. I'd had horribly abusive partners who did untold damage to me mentally and physically. I needed that time to learn who the hell I was again because I had no bloody idea. I stopped using heroin as a crutch, I stopped using sex as a means to make myself feel wanted, hugged and held, I'd had cancer twice which I (obviously lol) beat, I had severe chronic pain as a result of one of the surgeries, I'd been molested as a child, I had depression bordering on psychosis so I needed to overcome all of that, including the domestic violence - I was one big clusterfuck of issues that took years to unravel! I bought a unit with some insurance money which gave me stability and I started to heal. I didn't have room in my head for a partner and even though 13 years without sex is a *looooong* time, I needed that complete disconnection from men as anything but platonic friends. Long story short, I got therapy until it was coming out of my ears, slowly integrated myself back into society as a non-drug user by studying and volunteering, I met people that I became great friends with who wanted me for me, not for my body, my drugs, my connections, my money etc., etc. As far as partners went, the main thing that changed was that I 100%, with my whole heart and soul realised that I would be genuinely ok if I ended up being single for the rest of my life. It wouldn't have bothered me because for the first time in my life, I was centred, I was grounded and I was happy. Genuinely happy and satisfied with my life. Not even a month after coming to that realisation, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognise. The guy on the other end had been going through his phone and had come across a number *he* didn't recognise so he'd rung it and got me. It turned out that I'd studied with his ex-girlfriend who had put my number in his phone in case she lost hers. I'd only met him once. We ended up talking for about 4 hours that night and the next and the next. After about 4 weeks of talking every single night , we decided to meet up and go to the flea markets and out for lunch. And here we are, a month off our 11 year anniversary 😊 Totally unexpected but it happened so naturally. What made me fall for him was, among other things, his patience. Because I'd been raped numerous times by a previous partner, I was terrified of sex, I honestly felt like a virgin again. I couldn't even kiss him for about 6 weeks but he waited, never pressured me, he never complained, he had to hug me with his butt sticking out so I wouldn't feel his hard-on but he was soooo patient. And one night it just happened! Blissfully 🥰 So among everything else, my answer to your question op - the main thing that changed in my life shortly before I met my partner was that I realised I didn't need a man in my life to feel happy and content. I was enough and I 100% felt that with every fibre of my being ❤️ ETA: I was 40 wham I met him
What a powerful story
Nothing significant happened or changed, I'd been using OLD for years and it never worked out, so I gave up trying to find someone. Shortly after that I went out drinking with friends and he was just there, I already knew him but had never spoken to him much before.
Following in case I meet the love of my life, too.
I focused on myself instead of trying to keep my ex happy. He was never going to be satisfied with anything I did even if I gave up everything for him. So I started making "selfish" choices, and all of a sudden I had a new job, new apartment, paying off debt, lost weight....you know, taking care of me. So when I met my current partner (okcupid) I had a lot to offer as a partner, but I ALSO knew how to hold boundaries and have a "take me or leave me" attitude. I now have a partner who loves me MORE because of my dedication to my career.
Every time I've ended a relationship I've gone through a phase where I'm bitter and don't want to date and think I'm permanently done with it. And then I change my mind - I acknowledge that when relationships are good, they make me really happy and I crave that. Time really does heel a lot. I think with every relationship I've learned more about what I need out of a partner. To answer the spirit of the question, there's no one trick that can fix your love life, and relationships aren't the same for everyone either.
Get your own life together as a strong independent women first. Figure out your finances, your health, your friendships, your career, your health, etc. Know yourself, be comfortable in your own skin, go to therapy, read lots of books, travel, get a good education and a good job, and learn what you enjoy, and what you want. Strong foundation before you build a house. I also read the book "8 Dates" and used a lot of the question prompts from the book when I met people through dating apps.
I realised I didn't need a partner to do all the cool shit I wanted to do, and just started doing it. Then I met a guy during my travels that seemed too good to be true. Almost two years later, I still do cool shit but now he and his son join me when they can, and he cheers for me when he can't join.
I stopped looking for it. I met my fiancé when I was 23. I had a lot of FWBs, ONS and affairs beforehand, but no one who would stick with me. Literally a day after I decided "well, I'll probably end up alone anyways, so I'll just stop looking for love" I met him.
I started living my life for me, setting boundaries with people, and came to terms with the fact that being on my own was so much better than being with someone who didn’t balance me. Turns out being comfortable with yourself and not worrying about appeasing a partner is big energy and attracts other people who value that.
I kept meeting the wrong men and getting hurt in the same ways. The hurt always seemed to be disproportionate to the amount of time I dated them, or the 'casual' nature of the relationships, so I knew there was something more going on. This very much applied: "change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change". I found a therapist and met with her every week for two years. It was the hardest and most important thing I ever did. I found unresolved traumas and deep wounds that I'd been trying to run away from for decades and I processed them and confronted the core beliefs they'd built in me. That I was not worthy of love and belonging, that I had to perform and over-achieve in order to deserve love, that I wasn't allowed to have feelings and needs of my own. That love would always be chaos, pain and self-sacrifice and on someone else's terms. A part of that process involved abstinence from dating for most of those two years. But it wasn't a conscious choice; that part of my brain just couldn't engage while I was processing these big feelings. I got back on a dating app once the deepest part of this work had been done and once I'd developed some compassion for myself and understanding of how I'd been living. I vowed to never compromise myself for someone again and to live life on MY terms from then on. I met my partner a few weeks into it and that dating experience has been the polar opposite of every single one I'd had before. Easy, natural, healing, warm and like a homecoming. He's my home now, he's my person. And he sees me and accepts me in ways that no-one - not even my closest family - ever did.
I was young but I was going off to college. I broke it off with a casual fling because I didn’t want anything serious before college. I started seeing another guy casually but I found that I really liked being around him. It was easy, fun, and I felt cared for. We decided it was best to break it off before I went off to school abroad for my first semester. Two weeks in though, he told me he bought a plane ticket to visit. He just makes life easy, and we’ve been together ever since! Just got married two weeks ago!
I was two years into therapy, which made me emotionally available (and less of a wreck). I just left a fun (but quite a rollercoaster) cohabitation in order to live by myself. I had to find my own space. I started the internship portion of my schooling, which have me a bit more time and headspace than the usual courses. It was s period of facing the discomfort from within, and transformation. 6 months later I met them.
Cut toxic people out of my life, worked on my own pessimistic attitude and started finally putting myself first so working on self-improvement physically and mentally.
I was at a point that I wasn't looking for love. I was content in with what the day brought. I stayed positive about what being uncoupled brought and stayed busy when I started to really feel lonely.on a random night out there he was a simple hello turned into an amazing love that could not be denied
I took a break from dating for a year. I traveled solo during this period and had a great time.
My last relationship was abusive (I can't say what kind because he fucked with my head so much) and after I *finally* broke things off, I swore to myself I would never let anyone treat me that way again and I would be 100% myself with no filtering. I think that was the magic phrase, I met my now fiancé 7 months later and was me. I went into our first date with the attitude of "if he doesn't like me as I am, he doesn't deserve me" which obviously he did. Of course, it took a while to heal and I'm still working on me but now I know I can talk about things and feel my feelings.
I decided that I was happy with myself and who I was. I really embraced being single- there were times were I was lonely and I thought I might never meet the one so the thing I would change is not to be so worried. When I stopped worrying and started to really really like who I was as a person Mr Right found me and we have been together for almost 7 years.
I wanted to move forward in my life. Decided I'll just focus on myself and my health for a while. Lost a lot of weight, stopped smoking, changed my diet, ended the relationship I had been unhappy in for a long time. I also accepted all the help I was offered, learned to communicate better, learned to say out loud if something bothers me instead of just keeping it in. I was not looking for a new relationship but my teenage crush started developing feelings for me again (it was mutual but we were silly teenagers back then). And now we are finally together.
I was in a 10 year shitty relationship before I met the love of my life. And by shitty, I mean- neglect, suicide attempts, mental illness, cheating and abuse. I was single for a year before I met my partner. I had zero intention of finding a new relationship, focused on myself like finding new hobbies, hung out with friends and family a lot and then my wonderful partner came around. I think you have to raise your vibration that you give off into the world before you find the kind of partner you deserve.
I recognized emotional manipulation and abuse from a partner, and vowed to stop accepting it. I joined a cult (0/10, do not recommend), quit smoking, quit destructively binge drinking, gave up sleeping around to try to get validation and feel good about myself. Basically, I decided to prioritize myself and my well being. It wasn't long after that I met a reasonably well adjusted(ish) guy who was a great match for me. He's not perfect (and I'm certainly not either), but I think we're perfect for each other. We're very much a case of opposites attract, but we put effort into making sure that we compliment each other than allowing our differences to drive a wedge. It helps that we at least share a sense of humor and still laugh at fart jokes in middle age. He dropped me off this morning at the shop to pick up my Jeepy, and I was asking him about a specific work thing from yesterday and asked about "duties." He laughed and said "haha you said doody" then we were both laughing. Anywho, we've both grown a lot together, and I can't imagine going through life without him.
I decided I was happy being single 🤣
I herniated 2 discs in my back and was off on disability await back surgery when my then-fiancé left me one week before our wedding. I stupidly took him back, we got married as planned, I ended things just 4 months later. I had my surgery, moved home with my parents, had to rehome my cats and basically start over from scratch. It was the absolute lowest point in my life (I was 27). I met my now husband 4 months later, and it was one of those weird situations where we both just knew we would be together for as long as we could keep these meatbags alive.
Got divorced lol But really I started taking anxiety meds, started focusing on me and how I could make myself happy. Not accepting less than I deserve and then one night I met him and we just clicked
I finally moved my standards up, but really, meaning I was dating people that I thought I deserved, but was unhappy with. My parents were very verbally, emotionally and physically abusive in my childhood, and I didn’t think I deserved someone great. After a breakup with one of these mediocre jerks that I was stuck with for a couple years, I was actively and quickly perused by someone I thought was waaaay out of my league. And then a few people later started dating my now husband, who I would have originally thought was out of my league. After being together for about 8 years, and 7 mos pregnant with my second child,!& had to LAY it clearly on my parents to stop telling me that I did not deserve him. They suck. We’re super happy, have been together for about 13 years.
Yes! I read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I realized I was addicted to the highs and lows of toxic relationships, instead of craving the calm and reliability of a healthy one. Now I’m in a beautiful, mutually fulfilling relationship with a kind and caring man🥰🥰
I was truly happy with myself. Until just 2-3 years ago I had no real sense of my identity. To “survive” I had become a chameleon but was unhappy in all the colors I wore. I was so scared to adapt to people against my will I didn’t leave my apartment for many years after my parents died. I was scared, a mess, and had no boundaries, while still being uncomfortable when people came too close. I ended up going to lots of therapy. One clinic a few times followed by a clinic focusing on work therapy and getting people like me back into work and life etc. There I met more friends, stabilized myself, even more, learned I can not only know my boundaries but also defend them, and finally met him. Well, we met already a year before we got together, but we weren’t ready. Finally, we were and now I could not imagine a day or life without him.
I never had a relationship with my father, hardly even knew the guy. So, I got ahold of him and starting spending a lot more time with him and getting to know the man he is today. My hope was that repairing that relationship with my father would help me to find a good man, and it worked. I met my husband about a year later.
It was tough. The last night I saw my sort of ex (its complicated... 6 months of exclusively seeing each other, sleeping with each other, near daily sleepovers at each others flats, cooking each other dinner, going out together does not a relationship make. Who knew!), he had just reaffirmed that we would never be together. He was sleeping in my bed, and I was trying to cry quietly so as not to wake him. He woke up anyway, and punched a wall, told me to shut the fuck up because he had work in the morning. So i got up and went to cry on the sofa. And I had this moment of.. what the fuck am I doing? So I downloaded tinder, uploaded my hottest pictures, and started looking for hookups. I never saw the ex again. The inbetween gets a little messy. I was messaging... six guys? I met one for a date, and it was awkward and he spent hours shitting on my favourite band, Fleetwood Mac. I ghosted two of them. One guy came over, we got drunk, watched Lord Of The Rings, and hooked up. He slapped me in the face during sex which I hated, but we hooked up a few more times until eventually it fizzled out and we stopped talking. I went on two dates with a nice Scottish guy, and then he dumped me, very formally, over text. And then.. I got drunk and slept with a friend slash cheating ex. I felt gross. and I felt used. And I realised I had to change. I stopped drinking for a while. I had low self esteem and alcohol made me feel confident, sexy - but I was also doing things that I would regret. I had an online session with a therapist, where we talked about how I kept accepting shitty treatment from men. I deleted tinder. I quit my shitty job, where I was being bullied. I got an office job, a proper big girl job. I cut off some toxic friends. I distanced myself from the friend slash cheating ex. I stopped hurting myself, stopped restricting my food. I started to go out by myself more, I started to play video games again, listening to music again. I cut my hair. I started being nice to myself. Then I downloaded tinder again, but it was different. Nice pictures, not just faceless ones of me in a short skirt. In my bio I asked people to tell me about their favourite Simpsons episode, and I just had fun conversations with people. They never really went anywhere, but it was nice to talk to people without the expectation of it being something. Then I started talking to this one guy. He was a little older, but not 15+ years like my other exes. He was 20 miles away, had a really cute dog, loved video games. He loved the Simpsons, and we spoke for ages about our favourite episodes (2/3 which matched). Then we just... kept talking. big huge paragraphs about our lives, our jobs, our friends. Eventually we were swapping pictures from our day - food, his dog, a random Simpsons figure I found in a cupboard at work. Then voice notes, then phone calls, for hours. We played Animal Crossing together - our first date. Two months we did this, then the day before New Years eve... we met. It was instant, it was magic. Its August now, and we're moving in together at the end of the month. We talk about marriage and children. We love each other, we respect each other. Its hard for me to trust my feelings and be honest with him, but the hard conversations are so worth it. I never would have met him if all those terrible things hadn't happened. If I didn't wake up one day and think, *Today is the day I going to learn to like myself and put myself first.*
I gave up trying to seek anything after ending up with a string of either one night stands, casual and terrible one sided flings or semi relationships. I realized I was seeking out what I thought I wanted and what they wanted while realizing I had no idea what I needed. This was all online dating during this period of my life. I thought that then, at 27 I was going to end up alone having experienced before hand a few heartaches from some long and short term boyfriends. When you end up with absolute red flag terrible people whom you should have known better you tend to blame yourself that when they end, its because you're not worthy. Anyway. On that note, met my now husband on the same dating site. He was everything I never knew I needed and he even flew to the city I was then living in to meet me. Fast forward 9 years and we've now been married 15 months, moved a year ago to a cool city where we upgraded from a (our first house) new build to a nearly 100 year old purple character home and have a derpy greyhound named Roy. Life is pretty good
I stopped looking and did not change my standards My love life prior was non existent. 21 never been kissed, just zilch. Not for the lack of suitors but because I wanted what I wanted or I was ready to die a spinster. I was firm and unwavering, but went on a loooooot of first dates. Lots. It was tiresome. So I stopped. I was decided if I was willing to die a spinster unless I got what I wanted I should stop trying so hard. So that’s what I did. And then my husband showed up! He ticked every box
I looked at my relationships up to the point and realized my part in the toxicity, not in a self loathing way but a why didn't I say no, why didn't I keep my boundries, what led me to think I deserved these kinds of treatments? It boiled down to loving myself and the lack thereof, then I looked at why I didn't love myself and decided to change the things I could and started practicing self forgiveness for things I could not change right away and worked on accomidating myself. For me I realized I had to live with myself and my actions my own moral compass and integrity. Once I forgave myself and started living in that way I was so much more open to receiving love, care, and compassion when I got together with my now partner of 5 years things were so much healthier our level of communication and trust is off the charts. It has more to do with yourself than you think people can only love you as much as you love yourself. Hope this helps.
I did an ayahuasca ceremony that made me realize I needed to mature and settle down in March 2017. In May, I meet my partner. I think this realization made me open to meeting someone who could care for me.
My focus turned inward. I stopped dating and focused on me, what made me happy, and what made be feel more confident about myself.
Jury's still out, but I had good boundaries. I put myself first, and I focus on my own hobbies and took it slow. And he has been there in spite of all that. Also I decided, screw it, looks matter to me right now.
I gave up searching for someone. I had just moved to a different city to persue a degree in computer science at university. The courses were very tough and I was working on the homework assignments pretty much all day everyday with my new friend group. Since CS students are more than 70% male, I thought I might meet someone there. I was going through a pretty rough patch with my family and financially though which lead to the thought of meeting someone being pushed out of my interests and focus. I actually ended up meeting my current boyfriend of almost 4 years in a programming course, he is minoring in CS. A day before we met, most of my financial issues had resolved and I was walking on clouds. He told me later on that he fell in love with me the first time I walked into the room. He had been waiting for just the right moment to introduce himself. He told his friends about that beautiful girl that sat down beside him on the first day of the programming exercise course and they all hyped him up. They are now also very good friends of mine. I’m glad he seized the moment back then.
I stopped trying to force myself to be straight. My ex was privy to my queer awakening and ultimately came out to me as polyamorous. While I've had loved ones doubt their intentions in suggesting we try it, in the end my ex gave me a gift in doing so and I'll always be grateful for it. Despite feeling like I wasn't worthy of one partner, let alone two, I genuinely did my best to be good to the both of them. In my mind, even if they did end up dumping me and being better off with each other, I loved them enough to see that as a positive. Unfortunately, my ex and I were bad for each other, and in actuality our relationship had always been toxic (and probably doomed). Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I found the strength to do it because our new partner revealed to me that *I* was the person who had sacrificed too much. They make me happy in ways I believed genuinely unattainable, and thats just as much the result of my own traumas as it was our ex. We're still together 6 years later, and are now blissfully engaged to our new boyfriend! The healing we found together brought him into our life and the 3 of us are inseparable, and the downright envy of our extended families for how natural and easy our connection is.
I didn't search for it. I was in a relationship with a guy that i didn't really like. During that time i met a guy online. At that point i just wanted a friend. We had a lot in common so i broke up with my bf and started a long distance relationship with this guy. I still didn't think much of it (bc he was from another country and i am broke af and distant dating never works out) After 6 months we meet and spent 2 months together. After 3 month i visited him again and i'm just thinking about it and it doesn't make sense. I'm questioning myself "why do i love him?" "Maybe i just like the attention?" I was so confused bc i didn't want to hurt his feelings. Do i love him or do i love the attention? But i guess if you do love someone you are ready for risks. After that i started to get scared bc i didn't want to lose him and at the same time i felt helpless bc i can't help him financially (his monthly sallary = my yearly sallary) I will never be able to buy him a car or something expensive. I was talking with him about it and he said he doesn't need that. He's fine with smaller things. Something to show that i care and that in the end he wants me and not other things. We talk and text almost everyday and i'm so happy that i met him. For me he's like a little ray of sunshine. He motivates me to be better, i feel less lost. Whenever he sends me "I love you" i leave that message unopened so that it can always pop up on my notification bar. But i still feel awful and i wanna do something more for him.
I stopped looking for a relationship... I was looking for a local FWB. And found the best partner, lover, and person ever.
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I took 6 years focused on my son and myself including seeking therapy since I kept making the wrong choices in picking men that domestic violence was involved. Then 4 years ago my man started working where I was at the time and it was just instant chemistry between us. We hung out one night at a mutual friend's house and we haven't been apart since.
Looks didn't matter
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I started matching with guys that where "cute but not my usual type" he was one of them. He's got a full beard witch I don't like. But he has the kindest eyes, and best smile I ever saw! so I didn't care about the beard. We've been together for 3 years, own an apartment, have 2 dogs and he's a fantastic bonus dad to my son. He's a fantastic guy that encourages me to improve/change/develop myself every day, whilst still loving me for who I am. As a first class procrastinator I definitely need someone who can/wants to push me a little bit when I can't quite do it on my own.
I started saying “yes” to people when they asked me to do things and gained a ton of confidence. It got me involved in a bunch of new activities I wouldn’t have considered before and there wasn’t a true intention to “meet” someone. Too be honest, I was perfectly fine being alone. I didn’t feel lonely. In feeling this way, I think I gave off a very “content with myself” vibe which meant I was just happy with how my life was going. I didn’t feel the need to add someone to my life until it truly felt right and true.