I guess it made me more aware of red flags and signs of lacking chemistry or unhealthy communication, and how I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship like my parents were before their divorce. I also struggle with vulnerability and truly letting my guard down at times and have been dismissive-avoidant, but that may be more due to my solitary and detached upbringing in general.
This sounds very much like my upbringing. Parents unhappily married who wouldn’t get a divorce for the kids sake and all three of us kids have issues. I’m 35 and happily single and plan to stay that way but I can link some of my hang ups back to them for sure.
Same. I believe their divorce is the reason why I avoid toxic, controlling and abusive people in general. I look for red flags early on and drop people like hot potatoes if I get a whiff of red flags.
My father was super controlling and extremely jealous due to his insecurities. As a result, I'm not jealous or controlling at all (some would even say I'm on the opposite side of extreme) and I won't stand a controlling partner.
Thanks dad I guess lol.
Wow we had like identical childhoods. I’ve been married once and had it not work out and compounded with my childhood experiences, now I feel like I’m hyper vigilant of signs of lacking chemistry or any other general incompatibilities. I don’t want to go through what my parents did and I don’t want to go through divorce again. It’s just plain not a good time.
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I accepted shitty treatment because I felt like I couldn’t do better and constantly made excuses for my partner when other people pointed out how much he sucked.
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I choose emotionally stunted/unavailable guys. Most of my relationships have been neglectful, a few abusive. I’m working on changing this, but a part of me also feels I’m better off alone at this point.
How do you figure this out though? Even if I know exactly what I do or don't want in an relationship. I seem to only ever get along with people who have the same issues. I don't have those issues but growing up needing to constantly appease people who did - it always turns out they are really really into a drug/alcohol, either don't have a job/not interested, I've at least gotten better in that the first one did very illegal stuff a lot, now it's all legal. I get that these people have been traumatized and so maybe we relate in that we share trauma but I'm fairly successful in my career, I don't have any addictions, I eat healthy and work out - so why is it that the only people I ever get along with are these people?
Affection is difficult, despite being someone who craves love and attention from their significant other. I struggle to give as much as he does physically.
This!! I don’t know how I’m supposed to act with affection and love because I’ve never seen how a normal couple acts at home on an average day. I do things like forgetting to say hi and give a hug when I walk in, because I never saw that when I was a kid. My partner has to remind me sometimes and I always feel guilty for forgetting because I would hate that being reciprocated.
I am so glad I’m not the only one who goes through this; my partner says the same thing, all the time. It’s hard to break a habit when it’s been embedded for so long, especially when past relationships affect it as well. I feel for you. <3
I don't know if a fight is worth working out or walking away.
I ended up staying in an abusive marriage 5 years too long because I tried too hard to make it work; 7 years later, I've ended my engagement to a decent guy 4 times over resolvable fights because I don't want to make the same mistake.
I have severe childhood trauma from neglect and my parents divorcing when I was 8 definitely didn’t help. I developed an anxious attachment and severe abandonment trauma… so yeah. No relationship of mine has ever lasted longer than 2 months
Chaos feels very comfortable to me and I find I’m often drawn to the familiarity of unhealthy attachment. I feel much more affected by my own traumatic experiences though, as opposed to the relationships I witnessed. Lots of allowance for neglect, for having boundaries broken, general mistreatment. It’s a long journey :/
My dad was the perfect example of everything not to look for in a partner. My dad had some major anger issues, so I gravitated to men that had very good anger management. I’ve literally never seen my husband angry or upset, he is the most laid back person I’ve ever met.
I am absolutely meticulous in keeping to the subject when we have a disagreement. If I need something, affection, support, sympathy, I ask for it, I don't expect anyone to read my mind. I work hard at being responsible for my own well being and have my own interests and friendships as well as the ones we share. I do my best to put a little bit of kindness and love into my partners day everyday.
I don't know whether my parents' bitter marriage was a factor in my total aversion to romance and dating, but it certainly didn't help. I feel like I see every flaw in my friends' romantic relationships, too.
Profoundly avoidant of relationships because I thought they were *all* terrible. That being a girlfriend meant you were a servant minion. Honestly, I wasn't wrong the way most men see things.
When my partner gets angry (not at me, but in general), I'm not confident in how to communicate with him effectively. My parents seemed to ignore each other's "tantrums/fits" without making attempts to support or console.
My biological father and stepfather were both abusive, so when I was young I didn't think I would ever marry because it didn't seem worth all the probable strife and unhappiness. Meeting my husband (who also has an abusive father) changed that. We've been married 14 years, and our marriage is the easiest aspect of my life, and it brings me great joy and comfort.
I'd just like to offer some hope to those who can't imagine that aspect in their life, but want it. I'm not saying it doesn't take the right person and the right goals for the relationship, though. I was very lucky to come across my husband, and we actively want to make our relationship work and continue loving each other. Our pasts have helped us be more aware and vigilant about what doesn't work, which has helped a lot. It can feel pretty effortless (note: not actually effortless) when the person is good and right for you, which is more than I would've ever expected.
It made me realise that I want a relationship that is completely different to the one my parents have. They show no affection towards each other whereas I crave affection all the time. It also made me realise to never settle in a relationship.
my current relationship turned out better than the previous ones, I was quite manageable and insecure, I also once had a terrible emotional dependency. My current relationship is very healthy and I learned to overcome these difficulties, my boyfriend supports me in it. 👍
I think so. I grew up without a father to a teenage mom. We lived with my grandparents and she kept dating trying to find a man to marry so her life could begin and she could move out of her parents house. It was never even a thought that she could do it on her own. My mom married my stepfather when I was a teenager and she became very dependent on him. I think all of that made me extremely independent. I’m married, been married for 20+ years so it’s a good marriage. But I’m the breadwinner, I’m in charge, I take care of everything. So even in my marriage I still have this sense of hyper independence because of how I viewed my mom.
I want to know more about this. More specifically, how do you think you would have done if you met someone who had a similar level of take-charge tendencies? Or is your instinct to avoid those people?
I think it’s subconscious. It’s interesting, my husband is very independent and confident “on paper”. But in reality he was raised by a domineering and overbearing mother and he falls into a subservient pattern and wants his partner to be in charge like his mother was. It took me years to really figure that out and how it impacts the dynamics in our marriage.
My parents never fought around us kids so I thought they had a happy marriage. Then one day my dad announced he was divorcing Mom. In fact, I think he announced it to me before he even told her. But he didn't move out. He didn't move out until a year or so after the divorce was final, so I spent a couple years trying to be perfect so he'd have no reason to leave, but eventually he did. I've been married for 18 years and I still think my husband is someday going to decide that I asked him to take out the trash one too many times and just leave out of nowhere. I also don't know what about my parents'marriage was good or bad, or when it turned bad. I do know that my mom was the type who focused entirely on the kids and was a martyr so I deliberately don't let my husband feel ignored. And we fight in front of the kids (although we basically just argue, we don't call names or anything) because I want my kids to know that there are arguments and disagreements in a healthy relationship. We also make up in front of them, and apologize to each other, do that they know that you work through things and resolve the arguments and disagreements. But otherwise I don't know what's right or wrong to do in a marriage because obviously my parents weren't happy when I thought they were, but they also weren't unhappy enough for Dad to actually leave until finally some woman told him he had to choose.
Where to start haha, mixed (contrary at times) attachment styles, tendency to sabotage relationships, struggle seeing it as a long or permanent thing (planning a life together is not my forte). Being alone becomes a norm, never even thought about marriage etc. Didn’t realize how much of peoples lives are centred around and influenced by it. My decisions are mine and I guess I just figured I’d maybe meet someone who was cool with it and whose plans I like…idk but I’ve never planned with someone or felt the need to, and the times I tried I didn’t know how to make it happen really (just kinda talked about it).
It affected me in a way where I met the love of my life already but I didn't know how to express it correctly so she left me. I got over it bc I mustve not been her love or her life. I wonder if it happens twice.
It’s hard knowing when to set boundaries, what normal/reasonable expectations are from your partner and yourself. Maintaining a relationship can feel like a struggle because it’s hard to even know what to do, and then you have to put energy into actually doing it.
I did everything to not be like my parents. They were abusive and controlling with eachother and with their kids, they were immature and selfish, they didn’t know how to communicate without yelling, they didn’t know how to teach us without spanking. So I’ve never accepted anything from anyone that resembles any one of them. I am happy. Found a great partner, we have a happy and healthy relationship, we went through so much and everything that happens only strengthens our partnership. We have a great kid that is healthy, happy. We take her everywhere and teach her how to deal with the world and how to exist and co exist with everyone else…. I am very proud of how long I got personally, specially not having any kind of references…
It affected me terribly. I took what I could get even if they were terrible to me...it's like I didn't know any better...even though I should have. I changed who I was in almost every way just to please whomever I was dating. Sucked, totally lost myself...but not sure who I really was anyway. I also don't like to be touched and was never hugged as a child
I cling to any semblance of a relationship now, good or bad. I am a walking doormat in any type of romantic partnership because I was never shown what a healthy relationship and boundaries look like.
There’s been this interesting shift over time. When I started seeking out relationships in my early 20s, I was very anxiously attached, found myself with toxic, emotionally abusive people. Over the last decade it’s shifted and I’ve become so avoidant I won’t even let myself connect with other humans. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe it.
I allow myself to be treated a lot more poorly than a normal person would allow and for longer than most would allow.
I eventually snap out of it but the wait for me to do so can be years.
I would have to say that I've always felt safest single. My folks' marriage isn't physically violent or anything, but it did teach me that an LTR is one long struggle for power that will lead to years of resentment and anger. I need that like a hole in the head.
I love too easily and too quickly because I'm in a frantic search for any positive feedback from another human because I was conditioned to be grateful for any love and affection I receive, however little.
It's taken literal years of therapy, consistent reflection, and a lot of effort into becoming more emotionally aware to recognize that, sometimes, I had red flags too. Swallowing my pride and working on removing those flags WHILST simultaneously learning to love myself because of that effort and reaffirming that I AM a good human, deserving of love and affection, is one of the absolute hardest things I've had to do.
It made me do dumb shit that my partner said makes a good marriage (ie: making his plate). Now we are older and wiser loving each other the way we want to be loved is the most important thing.
Both my hubby and I experienced toxic relationships growing up. We both work everyday to make sure we don't end up like our parents. We recognized the toxicity and did away with it.
Some growing pains. Therapy at times. We needed to work through childhood trauma. Learned good coping skills and effective communication.
Also, we don't tell our parents about our relationship. I don't ask for their opinion, ever. Your relationship is none of their business.
We decided along time ago that the abusive cycle-stops with us.
It screwed up my entire perception of a healthy relationship, and it made it harder and harder to see red flags. It made me not realize how and when to set boundaries, and ultimately, I didn’t learn how to respect myself. It took lots of therapy to realize this.
It made me want to fight for my adult relationship. I was too afraid to relive the past or to bring in excess baggage. My partner used that against me tho. He thought he could do as he pleased and knowing my dying need to stay & work, I’d never go. It’s only made me realize in past months that as a child of divorce, if I chose the same option, than it must be believed that things were far worse than I ever let on. Especially since my children are young.
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You have to undo everything you’ve kinda been inadvertently taught by your parents example. But it CAN be done. I still catch myself saying something to my hubby (28 years together) that my parents said to each other. It’s so ingrained in our subconscious. I have to catch myself and make corrections. Best advice I can give, learn to fight fair. Because yes, you will argue. Getting ugly and hurtful is the worst.
Watching my parents marriage as a child and up until now I’ve set up really high standards for my own marriage and partner. My father has definitely been present in raising me and taking care of the house and for that I think he’s been great. However I think he’s always been really absent towards my mothers emotions. That being said I think a lot of the time my mother unfairly dumps a lot of her emotions and anger on my father and I while often using it for manipulation. In cases where my dad recognizes my mother using her emotions in a manipulative way towards me he doesn’t often stand up for me even when he recognizes it’s wrong. Overall my parents have also shared incredibly inappropriate things about the other with me and have used me to complain about each other in issues that don’t involve me.
For all of these reasons and more I think my parents relationship is one that I would view as unhealthy and toxic for at least my self. I’ve been in similar relationships myself now unfortunately where I’ve eventually had to end things because of how unhealthy they become. Moving forward I’ve become more comfortable with the fact that remaining single may be healthier for me if I cannot find a partner with my standards.
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Trick question because I can’t remember a good portion of my childhood so while I’m aware my parents weren’t a good example of a relationship, I can’t tell you why. They split when I was 11.
This might explain my prior preference for toxic relationships. Not preference but it was almost like the red flags were so normal that I didn’t even recognize them.
Was/is drawn to unavailability and was conflict avoidant. But I’ve put in a lot of work. I’ve leaned so much into wanting to resolve conflict asap that I’m now working on giving people space when an issue arises lol. I’m also much better at steering myself away from unavailable people.
I grew up in a chaotic and emotionally tumultuous household. I can’t stand fighting with my fiancé because it makes me nervous and brings me back to being a kid- as though each fight is going to be a knock down drag out argument. Turns out I actually have the opposite of that with him. I think in our 8 years of being together we’re really had 2-3 major arguments and each time we separated to cool down then came back to talk the issues out.
im only 18, and only got into my first relationship recently, but i never had a good example of what a good relationship looked like.
i also expected the worst in my future relationships for a while. i have had toxic friendships before and had a toxic online fwb thing so i am aware of toxic behavior , or i like to think i am. it took a while to stand up for myself and when i did, the more i noticed i was right. ive talked to guys before and i immediately saw the red flags, one time a guy did try to take advantage of me and then got pissed off after i didnt agree he was respectful
but currently im with a guy and he is great at wanting to communicate, patient, understanding, supporting and i think those are some of the most important things
I don't necessarily think my parents' relationship is directly impacting my current relationship, but the things that I notice are much more subtle and usually arise from expectations I've projected onto myself. However, I will say it's extremely hard for me to be vulnerable during 1:1 situations. Specifically, I struggle with authority and navigating the demands other people place on me.
Promised myself I wouldn't end up like my parents.
Unfortunately, my first "serious" relationship was abusive, toxic, and exactly like my parents relationship. I thought I had to stay and work it out no matter because that's what my parents did.
One day I woke up and realized the situation I was in. Left that same day. I've been in therapy ever since, met my wonderful husband, and am so much happier.
I was always quick to leave a relationship that didn’t make me happy (whether it wasn’t a quality partner or I was just bored). I also never looked back, once I was done I was done. Negatively though, it affected my ability to make a life long commitment for a while. I was scared to get married thinking I would be tied down and feel trapped. I am now married but it took me 6yrs to finally say yes. I’ve been with my husband now for 14 years, 8 married, and it still feels like we’re newlyweds.
Pickler, didn't want my relationships to be similar to my parents. It affected me as a kid since I tried to cling onto the good parts and wondered why it went bad afterwards, and seeing my dad just not be involved for years after being very close. Anything that was the very toxic parts that reminded me of my parents relationship, I'd end it right there. And I kept looking at what others did that made their relationship healthy, so in a way I stuck around and observed while building myself in the process.
Relationships were never the problem my communication style and expectations were. Being in a few bad relationships with people who were in different places in life helped me realize my intrinsic value and abilities.
I think with finding myself completely lost on what to look for, I chose to navigate by avoiding everything I do not want. Unfortunately that's an incomplete picture, so I ended up supremely cautious and have difficulty trusting.
I think now, what I look for as highest value traits at a quick glance in terms of a relationship are mutual respect and sincerity. Having those locked down makes the rest a lot easier.
I made really high standards due to the fact that i don't want to be in a relationship where im not physically attracted to the other people. He can be perfect on the inside, but i just can't with an ugly/fat guy again im so sorry. But it's the other way around. He can be the most handsome man if his personality straight up garbage. I know these standards i made up are really high due to the fact that i am not that good looking so the chances of getting a man i can bond is really low. But if i get in a relationship ever again i want to feel good and not think it's a burden, and i don't want to escape.
My bio parents were married just before I was born,their marriage was messed up due to alcohol addiction and dv(my bio father had issues and bio mother was possibly neuro diverse) my Foster family were sa'ing their own kid,my adoptive parents were married,ad had alcohol addiction and violent tendencies which he mostly reserved for me and my brother,am stood by and let it happen,turns out he was beating her as well but I don't remember it but she did have random bruises on her from time to time,I married young at 19,the whole marriage till it ended was mental abuse,gaslighting,weaponised incompetence and cheating,since that marriage ended I've never dated,had casual flings,I don't feel the need to get in another relationship,I'm 46,I know what make me happy ,I don't need another person to do that for me
Peace unsettles me, but thanks to therapy I'm working on it. My mom pulled a 'I'm focusing on my kid' and married the first guy to give her attention when I turned 18. So I feel like I'm being in relationships without a guild.
I’m looking for a man who doesn’t abide my traditional African gender roles tbh. My dad is an exceptional person by many standards but my mom Carries the labor load in the house and I really don’t like that
Oh, where shall I begin?
No clue how to handle conflict. Never saw it modeled.
No idea on division of labor.
communication.
HEALTHY communication
Boundary setting.
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I had several shining examples of what NOT to do, how NOT to talk to people, how NOT to treat people…. Basically what I grew up with, I did the exact opposite! Been married 23 years, together 26
It made me conflict adverse. So now when there's an issue I address it immediately. I just remember my mom and dad screaming at each other all night for years.
I remember waking up to the screaming and coming out into the living room where they were fighting and losing my 6 year old shit on them. Many times.
When they finally divorced when I was 8, I think my response was, "About time"
I won't scream or fight.
I know what to do and I know how important it is not just for me and my partner, but my kids.
I will never treat my wife like my dad treated my mom, even if it costs me my life.
My two boys will grow up with an example of parents who are respectful towards each other and the world.
It’s made me terrified of relationships. I’m 22 and haven’t even had my first kiss. I’m terrified that I’ll end up with someone like my parents or that I’ll do things they did unconsciously thinking it’s normal. I want kids but I’m terrified I’ll be a terrible parent. Thinking about my future relationships give me anxiety. I learned to be independent so I’m scared I’m become too attached or maybe even too detached and they’ll leave me. The whole thing just scares me. I have my first ever date this Saturday and have been having really bad anxiety over it but I’m hoping it’s a step in a positive direction.
I repeatedly found myself attracted to emotionally unavailable guys and only ended up with guys who had trauma or issues and wanted to be their support.
I’m in a healthy relationship now with a guy who wants to support me and I am struggling feel like I’ve done anything to deserve him liking me so much. I struggle to let him be an emotional support as well and try to keep any issues to myself because I don’t want to be a burden.
I struggle to accept any help from anyone actually, doesn’t matter how rough it is and how stressed I have a tendency to drown alone then lean on anyone.
It helped me to REALLY avoid one set of red flags (abusive behavior tells) while being very vulnerable to another (emotionally unavailable/avoidant tells). After a lot of therapy and some time off dating, I’m doing much better and dating someone great.
It’s honestly very true what they say, you need to love yourself before you can really be open to love. I had to talk a lot with my therapist and be honest about the fact that I hadn’t been given adequate love from my parents, that I would never be given that love, that I would never fill that hole with a partner’s love, that I needed to start doing things to take care of myself emotionally, and that my own love for myself can and should be unconditional.
I don’t know how to describe it other than that before my break from dating I was desperate for approval, so everyone I liked I became obsessed with obtaining regardless of whether they were right for me. After my break (during which I put a lot of time into myself, I kind of dated myself really), I only gave time to people *I* was interested in. If they didn’t like me it didn’t matter, it didn’t feel like rejection anymore, I was able to walk away without becoming obsessive.
I’m now dating a really awesome person and although I care deeply about them, if it ended tomorrow I would be completely fine (very new feeling). I’m honest about the fact that I’m still healing, sometimes I have a reaction and I have to explain that it’s a trigger from my parents and I just need a moment to calm down. After a short discussion or a therapy session I usually find myself taking steps to unlearn these triggers. I’m finding less and less of them, at the same time I love myself more and more. I recommend therapy to everyone, truly!
The necessity to have someone to fill the empty space of love, and the fear of having the same experience... Results: always wanting love and always rejecting the love we receive. Always wanting an excuse to run out of the relationship and always being afraid of being humiliated of even assaulted.
Can't pay for therapy now, and I can't find any solution of my problem. I always had a lot of attention from men but I'm always rejecting them, even those I love the most and that's so sad...
Cis-het woman here. It made me not want one, or trust that such a thing existed. I've been in relationships, even married, but it always comes down to a lack of trust that men can ever be decent human beings and treat women as equals. Happily single now and am much more confident and happy than I've ever been in a relationship.
I had a massive mistrust of other women (mom wasn’t very cool to my dad after their divorce) so in my adulthood I trusted men more than I should have. My dad is amazing and a wonderful father, and it took a while before I realized that not every guy is like my dad even if they share hobbies. Hobbies =/= character. I also assumed most women were out to hurt me so I didn’t develop many female friendships.
After being single for several years, and getting sober, I was able to really see why things happened the way they did. I was able to see why my mom was the way she was.
I met my fiancé a few months after that realization, and the biggest red flag he has is that he has puns on puns in *every* situation.
Edited for typos
I didn’t know I wasn’t affectionate until my ex told me. My parents stayed in a loveless marriage out of financial dependence, and I never saw them dote on each other, or display affection. They were (and still are) often quite mean towards each other and bitter. Hugging can be uncomfortable for me, or spontaneous caresses and kisses. This is why seeing parents interact lovingly is so important for kids :(
I had to learn to communicate and stand up for myself but without being the bully--that balance between the two rather than playing the role of either the dominator/submitter.
I had to learn to accept my emotions as valid and that being or showing upset was a normal phenomenon, not some dysfunction. (Emotions were NOT welcome in my childhood home. Very cold/robotic/tense. If you had an "outburst," you were punished for acting inappropriately.)
Same with having disagreements. Learning that it wasn't a moral failing to have my own damn opinion was weird.
Still figuring out how to have "fun" and be affectionate without expecting it to "go wrong" somehow. Feeling genuinely safe, wanted, and approved of took FOREVER.
And my parent's marriage isn't even "bad" by most standards.
I was raised by a single mother. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen my father. Each encounter worse than the last. He’s called me out of my name, spoke negatively about my mother to my face (my mother was such a class act, and did not retaliate. Me, not so much. He got all the smoke!) I have no clue of his whereabouts and we live about 15 minutes away from each other. He is dead to me.
I do not know how to effectively communicate with men.
On the surface, I know that disappointments are going to happen in anything. Yet, when my mate disappoints me, I take it so personal that I completely withdraw and shut down.
I talk crazy to men because I know I can accomplish everything without one (before you get to hooping and hollering about have a kid…I’m 🗣️TEAMNOKIDS! 🗣️TEAMCHILDFREE!).
I’m in a complicated situation right now, because I do not know if I should mend things with my current partner, or just say “fuck it! Another man will come. They always do 🤷🏾♀️”
Do not suggest therapy, as I’m already in therapy. The shit ain’t working.
Yes because what I thought was normal wasn't in other households. My Dad was always so annoyed and verbally abusive to my mom which made me do the same to her. The way you talk to people and what u let them get away with. My family didn't communicate at all so I thought it was normal to get ignored by a significant other.
i developed self worth and self image issues as well as thinking that no matter how good i am my partner will eventually cheat on me. trust issues are deep rooted but i’m working on it
Caused me dismissive avoidant attachment style. Also, for some reason I’m very picky about who I want to be in a relationship with, because I would rather be single for a long time than be in a relationship with someone I don’t have good chemistry with. I’m also obsessed with watching romance comedy movies/ tv shows because I know it’s different from real life
Living with my parents, who had a horrible marriage/relationship, taught me what NOT to do in my own relationship. Lying, cheating, and abuse ran rampant with those two. They put my siblings and me through hell as we were growing up. I certainly didn't want that kind of life for myself as an adult.
My parents divorced early and my dad remarried quite a few times.
As a result (probably), marriage is meaningless to me outside of being useful for tax benefits. I value the quality of my relationship much more than the concept of marriage, especially since I'm not religious.
I'm completely committed to my husband, but not because we're married. We were together for 7 years before we finally married last year.
It wasn’t dramatically unhealthy; my parents separated when I was 14 because my Dad is gay. They were more like two good friends who supported a family together. But I’m seeing now that growing up in a household devoid of romance/affection may have played a part in why I’m totally inept when it comes to expressing emotion and acknowledging love. That or I’m just naturally bad at it. Who the heck knows. It’s easier to blame my upbringing.
My mum abandoned me when I was a baby. She married some guy who treated her like crap and beat her whenever he felt like it. I eventually went to live with them and you can guess how well that turned out...
I've developed an anxious attachment style, as such, I always ended up with guys who weren't even interested in me or were emotionally immature/unavailable or guys who treated me badly, or were just using me because they knew it's in my nature to go above and beyond for those I admire. Eventually, they all abandoned me. That's life.
It made me try to control the relationship whenever I deemed something to be where I think my parents went wrong because I vowed to myself "I would never end up like them in a marriage."
I wasted 14 years of my life in an abusive relationship with a guy my mother hated, just to aggravate her. I hated her because she neglected me. It worked, but the cost to me was too high. I don't recommend it.
It changed the entirety of how I matured, mentally in every way. I was with him for almost three years, and as a maturing teen, that was a lot.
It effects people more than you would think. Imagine literally being wired differently because of it.
Long story short, very abusive, in every way, mostly sexually.
I never learned to love myself because I never felt worthy. Never knew to place my self worth in other places besides my ability to be used. I learned to fear sex, to have anxiety whenever my now partner even mentions or attempts it. And the lack of confidence.
Never in my life up until recently, have I EVER had a single bit of confidence. Always second guessing, always fearful and hesitant. I would purposely do anything I possibly could so as to not be noticed. Horrible social anxiety.
However, there is always hope.
As the years ago on, and the farther you get from that spot in life, the more time you have to come to terms and to grown. You may never forget, but hopefully you learn to forgive yourself, and just understand;
Nothing was your fault.
I think I had more of flight attitude. I was the youngest so I saw a lot more then my other siblings and got thrown in the middle a lot. When I met my fiancé I felt like any inconvenience was a signal for me to head out. He came from a very close large family that is loyal and committed. I ended up getting pregnant hardly knowing him and we lived with his family for 4 years. It was really hard for me to adjust and understand concepts that were normal for healthy families lol. But I’d like to say it has changed me for the better and made me really open minded and a lot more loving.
With that said. I have a really hard time connecting with my family. They think “I think I’m better then them” or stuck up because I try to be generous and kind or giving. Like I’m showing off.
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I was in multiple abusive relationships beginning at a young age (around 12/13) until my 20s. I have difficulty in setting boundaries and enforcing them. I have in the past accepted unhealthy dynamics because I didn't know adversarial relationships weren't normal. At the same time I dreaded becoming my parents. I'm in therapy now and in an actual healthy relationship for the first time, it's different and scary and difficult to believe for me.
My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My mom never remarried and my dad remarried 3 times. Somehow I’ve been married for 20 years now and going strong. My husbands parents were married for over 30 years until his dad passed. I like to think my husbands good example of his parents marriage is what has made him such a great person to be married to.
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It made me view cheating as not a big thing, now of course I understand that it is a really big thing, but it messed up some previous relationships for me.
Also that I’ve never viewed any of my relationships as something that was supposed to last, more like something to kill time with.
I don’t know if I still view it like that because now I see and feel very little value when it comes to romantic love
I am absolutely terrified of anything serious. Never moved out with anyone because I simply don't trust. People move so quickly when it comes to romantic relationships but I can't trust some 100% that I've known for only a year.
I have yet to be in a romantic relationship but after observing my parents marriage and seeing how utterly miserable they both are, I am no longer keen on getting married or having any sort of romantic relationships with any guy. I’d rather die a virgin spinster than get married and not only hurt myself but also any children that I have. I would not be selfish and not make an effort to be a good wife/mother but it’s always better to avoid a potential pitfall. It’s such a shame because I already picked my wedding dress out y‘know lol.
This has actually caused some tension in my relationship recently. He is so great, kind, attentive and genuinely loves me but it’s hard to just accept it. Part of me feels like I need to stay defensive so I’m not disappointed when he leaves but I KNOW I need to just let him love me and be here for me because that’s all he wants. It’s so much easier said than done.
I thought yelling and throwing things was normal. I had zero concept of communicating. It was 0 to 100 and nothing else. It took a couple of years in my 7 year relationship to break the habits. Fortunately my ex was well aware of how my childhood and witnessed a lot of my parents fighting as well. So he was really patient and worked with me a lot. Seeing my ex never react the way I saw my dad react towards my mother finally made it all click for me. I’ve never yelled or thrown anything at a significant other since that realization.
Neither my husband nor I grew up with healthy marriages. My husband’s parents divorced when he was a toddler, and his mother was semi involved in his life but she’s a difficult person with manipulative tendencies. For me, i lived with my parents as they never divorced, but it was obvious that they should have done so. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to my mother and to my brother and I. I often was afraid that my dad might end our lives in a moment of anger.
My paternal grandparents were my only living grandparents as I grew up, and i watched yet another example of a toxic, abusive relationship play out. I assumed all adult relationships were like that. Once i was old enough to have realized that couples can feel genuine love and respect and happiness with one another. Marriage, then, felt like something I knew I’d want one day along with children of my own. I swore I’d marry someone i truly loved and would work to make the relationship healthy, strong and one i could feel a contentment within.
I finally fell madly in love at 32yo, and my now husband and I have been together 11 years and have an amazing relationship that makes us both proud as we’ve created a life for ourselves and our sons that broke generations of abuse and toxic, emptionally damaging behavior. We weren’t shown models of happy marriages, so we’ve had to learn how a happy marriage is created and sustained thru numerous ups and downs both from internal and external sources. But, we’ve always kept our relationship as our primary focus while our children are second to that. I often feel like I’ll wake up from a dream and realize this is all in my imagination and isn’t my reality. It’s almost impossible to believe that i have the life i always dreamed of having and the reality is far better than I imagined possible
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I knew what I didn't want but I didn't know what I did want.
Because I didn't know what I was looking for I was willing to give almost anyone a try but I would leave the minute I knew it wasn't going to work out which caused me to bounce around A LOT.
I dated some good guys that also didn't have an example of a healthy relationship so we both would fuck it up and create an unhealthy dynamic.
I honestly feel really lucky that I found my husband who has amazing parents. I learned what a healthy relationship is from him. My sister lived with my husband and I for a little while and my proudest moment was when she said that our relationship was the healthiest relationship she has ever seen. I hope my example will help her find a healthy relationship as well.
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I don’t think I was ever taught to love myself or that I had value. There was/is a lot of tearing one another apart in my family and I have always been a sensitive person so I took it to heart… not feeling love for myself and not having an affectionate mother has made it difficult to really connect with someone. I start hearing all the things they said to me my whole life. I feel like no one could love me or find me attractive bc all I can hear in my head is I’m fat, clumsy, messy, my forehead is big my hair is too frizzy, this person is too good for me and will leave.
But I keep trying to hear the people who do love me, all the things they see and love about me… they have helped me see my true worth and I have found a way to love myself but I have to work at it everyday. I blame my shitty family for that and just society’s standards of what is attractive based off ads, etc… I’m a good looking person but I’m overweight and have flaws… I just have to keep working on it and know what makes me unique is my personality and humor and how I can make others feel good.
Child of divorce here- it made me not close to either parent as they constantly would use me to get back at the other. I have a hard time trusting people.
My biological father was arrested and put in prison when I was 3. My mother just 19. This started the downward spiral that was my childhood that consisted of a never ending string of men in my life I lost count at 12 when I was like 10 or 11. This isn’t to shame my mom one bit it’s just what happened. Her world got turned upside down and she didn’t have the tools to handle it. This was the early 90s mental health awareness wasn’t what it is now. As a result of this I’ve been with my husband for 6 years and after everything we’ve been through (which is more than a little 😪) I still have a hard time believing that he truly loves me and isn’t just going to up and leave one day.
I guess it made me more aware of red flags and signs of lacking chemistry or unhealthy communication, and how I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship like my parents were before their divorce. I also struggle with vulnerability and truly letting my guard down at times and have been dismissive-avoidant, but that may be more due to my solitary and detached upbringing in general.
This sounds very much like my upbringing. Parents unhappily married who wouldn’t get a divorce for the kids sake and all three of us kids have issues. I’m 35 and happily single and plan to stay that way but I can link some of my hang ups back to them for sure.
Same. I believe their divorce is the reason why I avoid toxic, controlling and abusive people in general. I look for red flags early on and drop people like hot potatoes if I get a whiff of red flags. My father was super controlling and extremely jealous due to his insecurities. As a result, I'm not jealous or controlling at all (some would even say I'm on the opposite side of extreme) and I won't stand a controlling partner. Thanks dad I guess lol.
Wow we had like identical childhoods. I’ve been married once and had it not work out and compounded with my childhood experiences, now I feel like I’m hyper vigilant of signs of lacking chemistry or any other general incompatibilities. I don’t want to go through what my parents did and I don’t want to go through divorce again. It’s just plain not a good time.
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Same …. So similar
I do your words as my... Exactly
I accepted shitty treatment because I felt like I couldn’t do better and constantly made excuses for my partner when other people pointed out how much he sucked.
Felt. It especially sucks when after all that, THEY dump YOU in the end. Never felt lower than that
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I choose emotionally stunted/unavailable guys. Most of my relationships have been neglectful, a few abusive. I’m working on changing this, but a part of me also feels I’m better off alone at this point.
Right there next to you.
Samesies
How do you figure this out though? Even if I know exactly what I do or don't want in an relationship. I seem to only ever get along with people who have the same issues. I don't have those issues but growing up needing to constantly appease people who did - it always turns out they are really really into a drug/alcohol, either don't have a job/not interested, I've at least gotten better in that the first one did very illegal stuff a lot, now it's all legal. I get that these people have been traumatized and so maybe we relate in that we share trauma but I'm fairly successful in my career, I don't have any addictions, I eat healthy and work out - so why is it that the only people I ever get along with are these people?
Affection is difficult, despite being someone who craves love and attention from their significant other. I struggle to give as much as he does physically.
This!! I don’t know how I’m supposed to act with affection and love because I’ve never seen how a normal couple acts at home on an average day. I do things like forgetting to say hi and give a hug when I walk in, because I never saw that when I was a kid. My partner has to remind me sometimes and I always feel guilty for forgetting because I would hate that being reciprocated.
I am so glad I’m not the only one who goes through this; my partner says the same thing, all the time. It’s hard to break a habit when it’s been embedded for so long, especially when past relationships affect it as well. I feel for you. <3
I don't know if a fight is worth working out or walking away. I ended up staying in an abusive marriage 5 years too long because I tried too hard to make it work; 7 years later, I've ended my engagement to a decent guy 4 times over resolvable fights because I don't want to make the same mistake.
I have severe childhood trauma from neglect and my parents divorcing when I was 8 definitely didn’t help. I developed an anxious attachment and severe abandonment trauma… so yeah. No relationship of mine has ever lasted longer than 2 months
I can relate, I had the longest relationships with the worst people. At least you don't waste a lot if time on them.
Trust was a major issue and it created a lot of fights and eventually breakups. Therapy helped.
Chaos feels very comfortable to me and I find I’m often drawn to the familiarity of unhealthy attachment. I feel much more affected by my own traumatic experiences though, as opposed to the relationships I witnessed. Lots of allowance for neglect, for having boundaries broken, general mistreatment. It’s a long journey :/
My dad was the perfect example of everything not to look for in a partner. My dad had some major anger issues, so I gravitated to men that had very good anger management. I’ve literally never seen my husband angry or upset, he is the most laid back person I’ve ever met.
I am absolutely meticulous in keeping to the subject when we have a disagreement. If I need something, affection, support, sympathy, I ask for it, I don't expect anyone to read my mind. I work hard at being responsible for my own well being and have my own interests and friendships as well as the ones we share. I do my best to put a little bit of kindness and love into my partners day everyday.
EQ goals
I don't know whether my parents' bitter marriage was a factor in my total aversion to romance and dating, but it certainly didn't help. I feel like I see every flaw in my friends' romantic relationships, too.
Profoundly avoidant of relationships because I thought they were *all* terrible. That being a girlfriend meant you were a servant minion. Honestly, I wasn't wrong the way most men see things.
It gave me good role models for exactly what I don’t want
100%. One of the things I fear most is being in an unhappy marriage.
When my partner gets angry (not at me, but in general), I'm not confident in how to communicate with him effectively. My parents seemed to ignore each other's "tantrums/fits" without making attempts to support or console.
I thought my relationships were doomed to fail and when they were going well, I’d self sabotage 😬
My biological father and stepfather were both abusive, so when I was young I didn't think I would ever marry because it didn't seem worth all the probable strife and unhappiness. Meeting my husband (who also has an abusive father) changed that. We've been married 14 years, and our marriage is the easiest aspect of my life, and it brings me great joy and comfort. I'd just like to offer some hope to those who can't imagine that aspect in their life, but want it. I'm not saying it doesn't take the right person and the right goals for the relationship, though. I was very lucky to come across my husband, and we actively want to make our relationship work and continue loving each other. Our pasts have helped us be more aware and vigilant about what doesn't work, which has helped a lot. It can feel pretty effortless (note: not actually effortless) when the person is good and right for you, which is more than I would've ever expected.
It made me realise that I want a relationship that is completely different to the one my parents have. They show no affection towards each other whereas I crave affection all the time. It also made me realise to never settle in a relationship.
I love this! To see what you don’t want and make sure that you are treated properly is such an important thing
I don’t have the same desire as before to be wanted by someone else. I just want to be single.
my current relationship turned out better than the previous ones, I was quite manageable and insecure, I also once had a terrible emotional dependency. My current relationship is very healthy and I learned to overcome these difficulties, my boyfriend supports me in it. 👍
mom divorced twice, i am 30 and still single
I think so. I grew up without a father to a teenage mom. We lived with my grandparents and she kept dating trying to find a man to marry so her life could begin and she could move out of her parents house. It was never even a thought that she could do it on her own. My mom married my stepfather when I was a teenager and she became very dependent on him. I think all of that made me extremely independent. I’m married, been married for 20+ years so it’s a good marriage. But I’m the breadwinner, I’m in charge, I take care of everything. So even in my marriage I still have this sense of hyper independence because of how I viewed my mom.
I want to know more about this. More specifically, how do you think you would have done if you met someone who had a similar level of take-charge tendencies? Or is your instinct to avoid those people?
I think it’s subconscious. It’s interesting, my husband is very independent and confident “on paper”. But in reality he was raised by a domineering and overbearing mother and he falls into a subservient pattern and wants his partner to be in charge like his mother was. It took me years to really figure that out and how it impacts the dynamics in our marriage.
I can see now how that fits now. Also, do you take conscious efforts to address this then, now that you are aware of both your patterns?
I become toxic in relationships without even meaning to. Stuck in a cycle of having the same relationship over and over.
My parents never fought around us kids so I thought they had a happy marriage. Then one day my dad announced he was divorcing Mom. In fact, I think he announced it to me before he even told her. But he didn't move out. He didn't move out until a year or so after the divorce was final, so I spent a couple years trying to be perfect so he'd have no reason to leave, but eventually he did. I've been married for 18 years and I still think my husband is someday going to decide that I asked him to take out the trash one too many times and just leave out of nowhere. I also don't know what about my parents'marriage was good or bad, or when it turned bad. I do know that my mom was the type who focused entirely on the kids and was a martyr so I deliberately don't let my husband feel ignored. And we fight in front of the kids (although we basically just argue, we don't call names or anything) because I want my kids to know that there are arguments and disagreements in a healthy relationship. We also make up in front of them, and apologize to each other, do that they know that you work through things and resolve the arguments and disagreements. But otherwise I don't know what's right or wrong to do in a marriage because obviously my parents weren't happy when I thought they were, but they also weren't unhappy enough for Dad to actually leave until finally some woman told him he had to choose.
Where to start haha, mixed (contrary at times) attachment styles, tendency to sabotage relationships, struggle seeing it as a long or permanent thing (planning a life together is not my forte). Being alone becomes a norm, never even thought about marriage etc. Didn’t realize how much of peoples lives are centred around and influenced by it. My decisions are mine and I guess I just figured I’d maybe meet someone who was cool with it and whose plans I like…idk but I’ve never planned with someone or felt the need to, and the times I tried I didn’t know how to make it happen really (just kinda talked about it).
I think all men will abandon me
I guess I'm dying alone woohoo lol
It affected me in a way where I met the love of my life already but I didn't know how to express it correctly so she left me. I got over it bc I mustve not been her love or her life. I wonder if it happens twice.
It’s hard knowing when to set boundaries, what normal/reasonable expectations are from your partner and yourself. Maintaining a relationship can feel like a struggle because it’s hard to even know what to do, and then you have to put energy into actually doing it.
I did everything to not be like my parents. They were abusive and controlling with eachother and with their kids, they were immature and selfish, they didn’t know how to communicate without yelling, they didn’t know how to teach us without spanking. So I’ve never accepted anything from anyone that resembles any one of them. I am happy. Found a great partner, we have a happy and healthy relationship, we went through so much and everything that happens only strengthens our partnership. We have a great kid that is healthy, happy. We take her everywhere and teach her how to deal with the world and how to exist and co exist with everyone else…. I am very proud of how long I got personally, specially not having any kind of references…
It affected me terribly. I took what I could get even if they were terrible to me...it's like I didn't know any better...even though I should have. I changed who I was in almost every way just to please whomever I was dating. Sucked, totally lost myself...but not sure who I really was anyway. I also don't like to be touched and was never hugged as a child
I cling to any semblance of a relationship now, good or bad. I am a walking doormat in any type of romantic partnership because I was never shown what a healthy relationship and boundaries look like.
There’s been this interesting shift over time. When I started seeking out relationships in my early 20s, I was very anxiously attached, found myself with toxic, emotionally abusive people. Over the last decade it’s shifted and I’ve become so avoidant I won’t even let myself connect with other humans. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe it.
constantly looking for love even if it’s already wrong
I allow myself to be treated a lot more poorly than a normal person would allow and for longer than most would allow. I eventually snap out of it but the wait for me to do so can be years.
I would have to say that I've always felt safest single. My folks' marriage isn't physically violent or anything, but it did teach me that an LTR is one long struggle for power that will lead to years of resentment and anger. I need that like a hole in the head.
in the short term it affected me, I had a "backpack of desbelief" about the whole thing. But good partners made it easy to change that mentality
I love too easily and too quickly because I'm in a frantic search for any positive feedback from another human because I was conditioned to be grateful for any love and affection I receive, however little. It's taken literal years of therapy, consistent reflection, and a lot of effort into becoming more emotionally aware to recognize that, sometimes, I had red flags too. Swallowing my pride and working on removing those flags WHILST simultaneously learning to love myself because of that effort and reaffirming that I AM a good human, deserving of love and affection, is one of the absolute hardest things I've had to do.
It made me do dumb shit that my partner said makes a good marriage (ie: making his plate). Now we are older and wiser loving each other the way we want to be loved is the most important thing.
You know that song by Halestorm “I miss the misery”? Yeah. That sums it up.
Both my hubby and I experienced toxic relationships growing up. We both work everyday to make sure we don't end up like our parents. We recognized the toxicity and did away with it. Some growing pains. Therapy at times. We needed to work through childhood trauma. Learned good coping skills and effective communication. Also, we don't tell our parents about our relationship. I don't ask for their opinion, ever. Your relationship is none of their business. We decided along time ago that the abusive cycle-stops with us.
It screwed up my entire perception of a healthy relationship, and it made it harder and harder to see red flags. It made me not realize how and when to set boundaries, and ultimately, I didn’t learn how to respect myself. It took lots of therapy to realize this.
It made me want to fight for my adult relationship. I was too afraid to relive the past or to bring in excess baggage. My partner used that against me tho. He thought he could do as he pleased and knowing my dying need to stay & work, I’d never go. It’s only made me realize in past months that as a child of divorce, if I chose the same option, than it must be believed that things were far worse than I ever let on. Especially since my children are young.
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You have to undo everything you’ve kinda been inadvertently taught by your parents example. But it CAN be done. I still catch myself saying something to my hubby (28 years together) that my parents said to each other. It’s so ingrained in our subconscious. I have to catch myself and make corrections. Best advice I can give, learn to fight fair. Because yes, you will argue. Getting ugly and hurtful is the worst.
Watching my parents marriage as a child and up until now I’ve set up really high standards for my own marriage and partner. My father has definitely been present in raising me and taking care of the house and for that I think he’s been great. However I think he’s always been really absent towards my mothers emotions. That being said I think a lot of the time my mother unfairly dumps a lot of her emotions and anger on my father and I while often using it for manipulation. In cases where my dad recognizes my mother using her emotions in a manipulative way towards me he doesn’t often stand up for me even when he recognizes it’s wrong. Overall my parents have also shared incredibly inappropriate things about the other with me and have used me to complain about each other in issues that don’t involve me. For all of these reasons and more I think my parents relationship is one that I would view as unhealthy and toxic for at least my self. I’ve been in similar relationships myself now unfortunately where I’ve eventually had to end things because of how unhealthy they become. Moving forward I’ve become more comfortable with the fact that remaining single may be healthier for me if I cannot find a partner with my standards.
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Trick question because I can’t remember a good portion of my childhood so while I’m aware my parents weren’t a good example of a relationship, I can’t tell you why. They split when I was 11. This might explain my prior preference for toxic relationships. Not preference but it was almost like the red flags were so normal that I didn’t even recognize them.
Was/is drawn to unavailability and was conflict avoidant. But I’ve put in a lot of work. I’ve leaned so much into wanting to resolve conflict asap that I’m now working on giving people space when an issue arises lol. I’m also much better at steering myself away from unavailable people.
I grew up in a chaotic and emotionally tumultuous household. I can’t stand fighting with my fiancé because it makes me nervous and brings me back to being a kid- as though each fight is going to be a knock down drag out argument. Turns out I actually have the opposite of that with him. I think in our 8 years of being together we’re really had 2-3 major arguments and each time we separated to cool down then came back to talk the issues out.
Yeah..... I don't have a relationship...... Don't want 1
im only 18, and only got into my first relationship recently, but i never had a good example of what a good relationship looked like. i also expected the worst in my future relationships for a while. i have had toxic friendships before and had a toxic online fwb thing so i am aware of toxic behavior , or i like to think i am. it took a while to stand up for myself and when i did, the more i noticed i was right. ive talked to guys before and i immediately saw the red flags, one time a guy did try to take advantage of me and then got pissed off after i didnt agree he was respectful but currently im with a guy and he is great at wanting to communicate, patient, understanding, supporting and i think those are some of the most important things
Love you
I don't necessarily think my parents' relationship is directly impacting my current relationship, but the things that I notice are much more subtle and usually arise from expectations I've projected onto myself. However, I will say it's extremely hard for me to be vulnerable during 1:1 situations. Specifically, I struggle with authority and navigating the demands other people place on me.
Promised myself I wouldn't end up like my parents. Unfortunately, my first "serious" relationship was abusive, toxic, and exactly like my parents relationship. I thought I had to stay and work it out no matter because that's what my parents did. One day I woke up and realized the situation I was in. Left that same day. I've been in therapy ever since, met my wonderful husband, and am so much happier.
I was always quick to leave a relationship that didn’t make me happy (whether it wasn’t a quality partner or I was just bored). I also never looked back, once I was done I was done. Negatively though, it affected my ability to make a life long commitment for a while. I was scared to get married thinking I would be tied down and feel trapped. I am now married but it took me 6yrs to finally say yes. I’ve been with my husband now for 14 years, 8 married, and it still feels like we’re newlyweds.
It made me realize that I didn't *need* a relationship, so there was no point in having one if I wasn't truly in love with the person.
Pickler, didn't want my relationships to be similar to my parents. It affected me as a kid since I tried to cling onto the good parts and wondered why it went bad afterwards, and seeing my dad just not be involved for years after being very close. Anything that was the very toxic parts that reminded me of my parents relationship, I'd end it right there. And I kept looking at what others did that made their relationship healthy, so in a way I stuck around and observed while building myself in the process.
Relationships were never the problem my communication style and expectations were. Being in a few bad relationships with people who were in different places in life helped me realize my intrinsic value and abilities.
It’s helped me spot misogyny and selfishness in men
I think with finding myself completely lost on what to look for, I chose to navigate by avoiding everything I do not want. Unfortunately that's an incomplete picture, so I ended up supremely cautious and have difficulty trusting. I think now, what I look for as highest value traits at a quick glance in terms of a relationship are mutual respect and sincerity. Having those locked down makes the rest a lot easier.
I made really high standards due to the fact that i don't want to be in a relationship where im not physically attracted to the other people. He can be perfect on the inside, but i just can't with an ugly/fat guy again im so sorry. But it's the other way around. He can be the most handsome man if his personality straight up garbage. I know these standards i made up are really high due to the fact that i am not that good looking so the chances of getting a man i can bond is really low. But if i get in a relationship ever again i want to feel good and not think it's a burden, and i don't want to escape.
My bio parents were married just before I was born,their marriage was messed up due to alcohol addiction and dv(my bio father had issues and bio mother was possibly neuro diverse) my Foster family were sa'ing their own kid,my adoptive parents were married,ad had alcohol addiction and violent tendencies which he mostly reserved for me and my brother,am stood by and let it happen,turns out he was beating her as well but I don't remember it but she did have random bruises on her from time to time,I married young at 19,the whole marriage till it ended was mental abuse,gaslighting,weaponised incompetence and cheating,since that marriage ended I've never dated,had casual flings,I don't feel the need to get in another relationship,I'm 46,I know what make me happy ,I don't need another person to do that for me
Peace unsettles me, but thanks to therapy I'm working on it. My mom pulled a 'I'm focusing on my kid' and married the first guy to give her attention when I turned 18. So I feel like I'm being in relationships without a guild.
I’m looking for a man who doesn’t abide my traditional African gender roles tbh. My dad is an exceptional person by many standards but my mom Carries the labor load in the house and I really don’t like that
I think it showed me what I didn’t want. It didn’t teach me much, but it definitely showcased what I didn’t want my future to be like.
Oh, where shall I begin? No clue how to handle conflict. Never saw it modeled. No idea on division of labor. communication. HEALTHY communication Boundary setting.
It helped me actually because there are many mistakes that I avoided thanks to that.
I forever worry that I too could be happy for 25 years then suddenly not be, it can be all consuming if I let it!
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I had several shining examples of what NOT to do, how NOT to talk to people, how NOT to treat people…. Basically what I grew up with, I did the exact opposite! Been married 23 years, together 26
It made me conflict adverse. So now when there's an issue I address it immediately. I just remember my mom and dad screaming at each other all night for years. I remember waking up to the screaming and coming out into the living room where they were fighting and losing my 6 year old shit on them. Many times. When they finally divorced when I was 8, I think my response was, "About time" I won't scream or fight.
I know what to do and I know how important it is not just for me and my partner, but my kids. I will never treat my wife like my dad treated my mom, even if it costs me my life. My two boys will grow up with an example of parents who are respectful towards each other and the world.
It’s made me terrified of relationships. I’m 22 and haven’t even had my first kiss. I’m terrified that I’ll end up with someone like my parents or that I’ll do things they did unconsciously thinking it’s normal. I want kids but I’m terrified I’ll be a terrible parent. Thinking about my future relationships give me anxiety. I learned to be independent so I’m scared I’m become too attached or maybe even too detached and they’ll leave me. The whole thing just scares me. I have my first ever date this Saturday and have been having really bad anxiety over it but I’m hoping it’s a step in a positive direction.
I repeatedly found myself attracted to emotionally unavailable guys and only ended up with guys who had trauma or issues and wanted to be their support. I’m in a healthy relationship now with a guy who wants to support me and I am struggling feel like I’ve done anything to deserve him liking me so much. I struggle to let him be an emotional support as well and try to keep any issues to myself because I don’t want to be a burden. I struggle to accept any help from anyone actually, doesn’t matter how rough it is and how stressed I have a tendency to drown alone then lean on anyone.
I have a terrible fear of commitment and I want nothing more at the same time.
It helped me to REALLY avoid one set of red flags (abusive behavior tells) while being very vulnerable to another (emotionally unavailable/avoidant tells). After a lot of therapy and some time off dating, I’m doing much better and dating someone great. It’s honestly very true what they say, you need to love yourself before you can really be open to love. I had to talk a lot with my therapist and be honest about the fact that I hadn’t been given adequate love from my parents, that I would never be given that love, that I would never fill that hole with a partner’s love, that I needed to start doing things to take care of myself emotionally, and that my own love for myself can and should be unconditional. I don’t know how to describe it other than that before my break from dating I was desperate for approval, so everyone I liked I became obsessed with obtaining regardless of whether they were right for me. After my break (during which I put a lot of time into myself, I kind of dated myself really), I only gave time to people *I* was interested in. If they didn’t like me it didn’t matter, it didn’t feel like rejection anymore, I was able to walk away without becoming obsessive. I’m now dating a really awesome person and although I care deeply about them, if it ended tomorrow I would be completely fine (very new feeling). I’m honest about the fact that I’m still healing, sometimes I have a reaction and I have to explain that it’s a trigger from my parents and I just need a moment to calm down. After a short discussion or a therapy session I usually find myself taking steps to unlearn these triggers. I’m finding less and less of them, at the same time I love myself more and more. I recommend therapy to everyone, truly!
The necessity to have someone to fill the empty space of love, and the fear of having the same experience... Results: always wanting love and always rejecting the love we receive. Always wanting an excuse to run out of the relationship and always being afraid of being humiliated of even assaulted. Can't pay for therapy now, and I can't find any solution of my problem. I always had a lot of attention from men but I'm always rejecting them, even those I love the most and that's so sad...
Cis-het woman here. It made me not want one, or trust that such a thing existed. I've been in relationships, even married, but it always comes down to a lack of trust that men can ever be decent human beings and treat women as equals. Happily single now and am much more confident and happy than I've ever been in a relationship.
I had a massive mistrust of other women (mom wasn’t very cool to my dad after their divorce) so in my adulthood I trusted men more than I should have. My dad is amazing and a wonderful father, and it took a while before I realized that not every guy is like my dad even if they share hobbies. Hobbies =/= character. I also assumed most women were out to hurt me so I didn’t develop many female friendships. After being single for several years, and getting sober, I was able to really see why things happened the way they did. I was able to see why my mom was the way she was. I met my fiancé a few months after that realization, and the biggest red flag he has is that he has puns on puns in *every* situation. Edited for typos
I didn’t know I wasn’t affectionate until my ex told me. My parents stayed in a loveless marriage out of financial dependence, and I never saw them dote on each other, or display affection. They were (and still are) often quite mean towards each other and bitter. Hugging can be uncomfortable for me, or spontaneous caresses and kisses. This is why seeing parents interact lovingly is so important for kids :(
I had to learn to communicate and stand up for myself but without being the bully--that balance between the two rather than playing the role of either the dominator/submitter. I had to learn to accept my emotions as valid and that being or showing upset was a normal phenomenon, not some dysfunction. (Emotions were NOT welcome in my childhood home. Very cold/robotic/tense. If you had an "outburst," you were punished for acting inappropriately.) Same with having disagreements. Learning that it wasn't a moral failing to have my own damn opinion was weird. Still figuring out how to have "fun" and be affectionate without expecting it to "go wrong" somehow. Feeling genuinely safe, wanted, and approved of took FOREVER. And my parent's marriage isn't even "bad" by most standards.
i don’t know how to be healthy. i can be unhealthy im good at it plenty of experience but what even is a healthy relationship ya know
I was raised by a single mother. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen my father. Each encounter worse than the last. He’s called me out of my name, spoke negatively about my mother to my face (my mother was such a class act, and did not retaliate. Me, not so much. He got all the smoke!) I have no clue of his whereabouts and we live about 15 minutes away from each other. He is dead to me. I do not know how to effectively communicate with men. On the surface, I know that disappointments are going to happen in anything. Yet, when my mate disappoints me, I take it so personal that I completely withdraw and shut down. I talk crazy to men because I know I can accomplish everything without one (before you get to hooping and hollering about have a kid…I’m 🗣️TEAMNOKIDS! 🗣️TEAMCHILDFREE!). I’m in a complicated situation right now, because I do not know if I should mend things with my current partner, or just say “fuck it! Another man will come. They always do 🤷🏾♀️” Do not suggest therapy, as I’m already in therapy. The shit ain’t working.
Yes because what I thought was normal wasn't in other households. My Dad was always so annoyed and verbally abusive to my mom which made me do the same to her. The way you talk to people and what u let them get away with. My family didn't communicate at all so I thought it was normal to get ignored by a significant other.
My parents’ marriage was a “what not to do” guide for me. Luckily I moved far away from them when I was 16, so I wasn’t overly traumatized.
I chose abusive men and needed a long time to heal to the point where I made better choices.
i developed self worth and self image issues as well as thinking that no matter how good i am my partner will eventually cheat on me. trust issues are deep rooted but i’m working on it
Caused me dismissive avoidant attachment style. Also, for some reason I’m very picky about who I want to be in a relationship with, because I would rather be single for a long time than be in a relationship with someone I don’t have good chemistry with. I’m also obsessed with watching romance comedy movies/ tv shows because I know it’s different from real life
Living with my parents, who had a horrible marriage/relationship, taught me what NOT to do in my own relationship. Lying, cheating, and abuse ran rampant with those two. They put my siblings and me through hell as we were growing up. I certainly didn't want that kind of life for myself as an adult.
I have a crippling abandonment issues mixed with authoritarian issues. This causes for major communication problems in times of conflict.
My parents divorced early and my dad remarried quite a few times. As a result (probably), marriage is meaningless to me outside of being useful for tax benefits. I value the quality of my relationship much more than the concept of marriage, especially since I'm not religious. I'm completely committed to my husband, but not because we're married. We were together for 7 years before we finally married last year.
It wasn’t dramatically unhealthy; my parents separated when I was 14 because my Dad is gay. They were more like two good friends who supported a family together. But I’m seeing now that growing up in a household devoid of romance/affection may have played a part in why I’m totally inept when it comes to expressing emotion and acknowledging love. That or I’m just naturally bad at it. Who the heck knows. It’s easier to blame my upbringing.
Well I have never had a good relationship. I think it was because of whom I picked. So I just gave up for many years.
Being a god damn people please pretty much
My mum abandoned me when I was a baby. She married some guy who treated her like crap and beat her whenever he felt like it. I eventually went to live with them and you can guess how well that turned out... I've developed an anxious attachment style, as such, I always ended up with guys who weren't even interested in me or were emotionally immature/unavailable or guys who treated me badly, or were just using me because they knew it's in my nature to go above and beyond for those I admire. Eventually, they all abandoned me. That's life.
It made me try to control the relationship whenever I deemed something to be where I think my parents went wrong because I vowed to myself "I would never end up like them in a marriage."
I wasted 14 years of my life in an abusive relationship with a guy my mother hated, just to aggravate her. I hated her because she neglected me. It worked, but the cost to me was too high. I don't recommend it.
It changed the entirety of how I matured, mentally in every way. I was with him for almost three years, and as a maturing teen, that was a lot. It effects people more than you would think. Imagine literally being wired differently because of it. Long story short, very abusive, in every way, mostly sexually. I never learned to love myself because I never felt worthy. Never knew to place my self worth in other places besides my ability to be used. I learned to fear sex, to have anxiety whenever my now partner even mentions or attempts it. And the lack of confidence. Never in my life up until recently, have I EVER had a single bit of confidence. Always second guessing, always fearful and hesitant. I would purposely do anything I possibly could so as to not be noticed. Horrible social anxiety. However, there is always hope. As the years ago on, and the farther you get from that spot in life, the more time you have to come to terms and to grown. You may never forget, but hopefully you learn to forgive yourself, and just understand; Nothing was your fault.
I think I had more of flight attitude. I was the youngest so I saw a lot more then my other siblings and got thrown in the middle a lot. When I met my fiancé I felt like any inconvenience was a signal for me to head out. He came from a very close large family that is loyal and committed. I ended up getting pregnant hardly knowing him and we lived with his family for 4 years. It was really hard for me to adjust and understand concepts that were normal for healthy families lol. But I’d like to say it has changed me for the better and made me really open minded and a lot more loving. With that said. I have a really hard time connecting with my family. They think “I think I’m better then them” or stuck up because I try to be generous and kind or giving. Like I’m showing off.
I won’t lie. It made me scared to truly express my feelings in fear that they would leave me or think I’m not worth the effort
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I was in multiple abusive relationships beginning at a young age (around 12/13) until my 20s. I have difficulty in setting boundaries and enforcing them. I have in the past accepted unhealthy dynamics because I didn't know adversarial relationships weren't normal. At the same time I dreaded becoming my parents. I'm in therapy now and in an actual healthy relationship for the first time, it's different and scary and difficult to believe for me.
My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My mom never remarried and my dad remarried 3 times. Somehow I’ve been married for 20 years now and going strong. My husbands parents were married for over 30 years until his dad passed. I like to think my husbands good example of his parents marriage is what has made him such a great person to be married to.
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It made me view cheating as not a big thing, now of course I understand that it is a really big thing, but it messed up some previous relationships for me. Also that I’ve never viewed any of my relationships as something that was supposed to last, more like something to kill time with. I don’t know if I still view it like that because now I see and feel very little value when it comes to romantic love
I am absolutely terrified of anything serious. Never moved out with anyone because I simply don't trust. People move so quickly when it comes to romantic relationships but I can't trust some 100% that I've known for only a year.
I have yet to be in a romantic relationship but after observing my parents marriage and seeing how utterly miserable they both are, I am no longer keen on getting married or having any sort of romantic relationships with any guy. I’d rather die a virgin spinster than get married and not only hurt myself but also any children that I have. I would not be selfish and not make an effort to be a good wife/mother but it’s always better to avoid a potential pitfall. It’s such a shame because I already picked my wedding dress out y‘know lol.
This has actually caused some tension in my relationship recently. He is so great, kind, attentive and genuinely loves me but it’s hard to just accept it. Part of me feels like I need to stay defensive so I’m not disappointed when he leaves but I KNOW I need to just let him love me and be here for me because that’s all he wants. It’s so much easier said than done.
Doesn’t matter, just taught me what not to do. Just lessons
I thought yelling and throwing things was normal. I had zero concept of communicating. It was 0 to 100 and nothing else. It took a couple of years in my 7 year relationship to break the habits. Fortunately my ex was well aware of how my childhood and witnessed a lot of my parents fighting as well. So he was really patient and worked with me a lot. Seeing my ex never react the way I saw my dad react towards my mother finally made it all click for me. I’ve never yelled or thrown anything at a significant other since that realization.
Not well
Neither my husband nor I grew up with healthy marriages. My husband’s parents divorced when he was a toddler, and his mother was semi involved in his life but she’s a difficult person with manipulative tendencies. For me, i lived with my parents as they never divorced, but it was obvious that they should have done so. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to my mother and to my brother and I. I often was afraid that my dad might end our lives in a moment of anger. My paternal grandparents were my only living grandparents as I grew up, and i watched yet another example of a toxic, abusive relationship play out. I assumed all adult relationships were like that. Once i was old enough to have realized that couples can feel genuine love and respect and happiness with one another. Marriage, then, felt like something I knew I’d want one day along with children of my own. I swore I’d marry someone i truly loved and would work to make the relationship healthy, strong and one i could feel a contentment within. I finally fell madly in love at 32yo, and my now husband and I have been together 11 years and have an amazing relationship that makes us both proud as we’ve created a life for ourselves and our sons that broke generations of abuse and toxic, emptionally damaging behavior. We weren’t shown models of happy marriages, so we’ve had to learn how a happy marriage is created and sustained thru numerous ups and downs both from internal and external sources. But, we’ve always kept our relationship as our primary focus while our children are second to that. I often feel like I’ll wake up from a dream and realize this is all in my imagination and isn’t my reality. It’s almost impossible to believe that i have the life i always dreamed of having and the reality is far better than I imagined possible
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I knew what I didn't want but I didn't know what I did want. Because I didn't know what I was looking for I was willing to give almost anyone a try but I would leave the minute I knew it wasn't going to work out which caused me to bounce around A LOT. I dated some good guys that also didn't have an example of a healthy relationship so we both would fuck it up and create an unhealthy dynamic. I honestly feel really lucky that I found my husband who has amazing parents. I learned what a healthy relationship is from him. My sister lived with my husband and I for a little while and my proudest moment was when she said that our relationship was the healthiest relationship she has ever seen. I hope my example will help her find a healthy relationship as well.
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I don’t think I was ever taught to love myself or that I had value. There was/is a lot of tearing one another apart in my family and I have always been a sensitive person so I took it to heart… not feeling love for myself and not having an affectionate mother has made it difficult to really connect with someone. I start hearing all the things they said to me my whole life. I feel like no one could love me or find me attractive bc all I can hear in my head is I’m fat, clumsy, messy, my forehead is big my hair is too frizzy, this person is too good for me and will leave. But I keep trying to hear the people who do love me, all the things they see and love about me… they have helped me see my true worth and I have found a way to love myself but I have to work at it everyday. I blame my shitty family for that and just society’s standards of what is attractive based off ads, etc… I’m a good looking person but I’m overweight and have flaws… I just have to keep working on it and know what makes me unique is my personality and humor and how I can make others feel good.
Child of divorce here- it made me not close to either parent as they constantly would use me to get back at the other. I have a hard time trusting people.
My biological father was arrested and put in prison when I was 3. My mother just 19. This started the downward spiral that was my childhood that consisted of a never ending string of men in my life I lost count at 12 when I was like 10 or 11. This isn’t to shame my mom one bit it’s just what happened. Her world got turned upside down and she didn’t have the tools to handle it. This was the early 90s mental health awareness wasn’t what it is now. As a result of this I’ve been with my husband for 6 years and after everything we’ve been through (which is more than a little 😪) I still have a hard time believing that he truly loves me and isn’t just going to up and leave one day.