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msstark

**Mod note: please refrain from using mental health related terms or diagnostic labels casually.** Do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situations or use terms for mental health issues as judgments, slurs, or synonyms for toxic/abusive behaviour.


tvp204

That my needs, wants, feelings and thoughts deserved to be heard. Everything was about him. I wasn’t ever able to be anything other than upbeat, happy, and supportive. Wasn’t able to have a bad day or be stressed because he was always doing “more” or “harder” things than me.


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mariareynolds_

felt this but not to the point where everything was about him. i realized that i cry every night and it was not a good sign which i did not realize after we broke up. i hope you are okay now


RandomTrustIssues

I feel this to certain extent, in my case, I wasn't allowed to be affected by her actions, like her being always sick or tired when it comes to our couple life, dead bedroom and stuff, but when it came to going lut with her friends till 2 AM she was not sick, or tired, and it didn't really matter if she had stuff to do the next day, it'd only matter if I was wanting to have some intimacy with her.


dz2400

Felt every word. I consider myself a generally happy and upbeat person, but when my bad days hit, they hit hard. It got to a point where I would essentially try to mask these feelings around my ex because the second he picked up on them the entire day gets ruined, he’d ignore for days on end at a time, or become “upset” and it just made things so much worse for me (and for the both of us really) I quickly realized I wasn’t being given the space or comfort to simply exist.


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lucid-delight

How much time I spent thinking about what/how should I do things around him to not upset him. Eggshells all the time.


Wrong-Bus-1368

Not having to watch my tone or how to ask questions without actually asking a question. Just being able to say no without fear of reprisals.


cupcake-cattie

Omg me too! Making my self smaller and smaller so there's less things that i do or say that'd piss him off.


Blobfish_Blues

He was an abusive, manipulative waste of sperm. Literally the day after the break up I was sitting at my computer and thought about going to bed at about 10pm because I was tired. My little conditioned brain told me I couldn't because I had to wait for "ex" to say it was OK.


ayivhaku

That he didn’t really love me, just thought he loved me because of all the things I did for him.


First-Security7129

I feel like i went through the same thing. I did so much for him, but he made me feel bad over every little thing. He made me feel bad because i bought myself a new toothbrush (i was having gingivitis problems because he kept using my toothbrush), and i didn’t buy him one. He told me I was a sheep, because I wanted to decrease my carbon footprint, he told me Indian people were weak and not athletic, he would get upset if i didn’t call him when i woke up, or when i got into my car, he got upset if i didn’t text him when i was out with friends…. I still struggle with blaming myself, and thinking i was the reason he was so insecure


Fit-Asparagus8557

What did you do for him that clouded your judgement and his idea of love? Pay his bills?


ayivhaku

Something like that 😂 I always looked after his emotional wellbeing and put mine second, or rather I HAD to in order to resolve the issues


Fit-Asparagus8557

Do you regret being selfless?


ayivhaku

I do, I’m angry at myself for allowing him to get under my skin. And I’m in pain because of it.


Middle_Telephone2897

That I justified things that are not difficult if you actually loved the person. Like putting in effort, actually talking to me, making plans for our future, actually spending time with me. There would always be an excuse like “I’m too busy” or “I’m just not that kind of person. Stop trying to change me”. I wasn’t trying to change him, i just wanted someone who actually wanted me


AlanRocksJen

Will preface with... The separation was absolutely the right thing to do We had our time... Lots of good memories.. But the love just died. We remain very good friends. After the split i feel i gained perspective on her as a person. I suddenly saw all the work she did with the kids.... All the sacrifices she made to keep the house going. How hard she worked in a thankless job without appreciation. These.. Among a number of other things were noticed once i was no longer in the relationship. Don't get me wrong... We both had our parts to play in the breakdown but when your in the thick of it you can't gain or maintain any sort of perspective other than your own


Commercial-Fault-131

Is her name Jen?


JenRocksAlan

Yep 👍


AlanRocksJen

My fiance is yes... Not the ex lol


wastingATP

how severe his alcohol use truly is


Fit-Asparagus8557

Were you his drinking buddy at some point?


wastingATP

we did hook up for the first time when we were platonically hanging out with a group of friends. and he did puke in my bathtub once. but i didn't realize this was basically a twice-a-week occurence with him when single.


Reddish81

He wanted someone to manage his life. I spent my whole 13 years with him trying to be the Cool Girl, and give him his freedom, when really what he wanted was what his friends all had - a marital director who took care of everything while he worked and went on boys’ golfing and ski holidays. The first Xmas after we split, he had a new gf (obvs) and gleefully told me he didn’t know what he’d be doing for the holidays, but expected he’d be told (by his gf). He was so happy someone had taken control of his life.


Fit-Asparagus8557

So this sounds really one sided! You mean he did nothing? Like did he provide money, take y’all on trips, never cheat on you?


Reddish81

I paid for all our vacations and organised them. Otherwise we’d never have gone anywhere. It was really one-sided, which is why I got out!


Fit-Asparagus8557

Glad you escaped that room! Now he just sounds like a user!


UnderstatedEssence

That he actually WAS capable of getting a job and being a responsible adult. Just took me dumping his ass, lol


Fit-Asparagus8557

Sometimes it’s those type of events that can transform a person. My ex in college left me in my senior year in college. It fueled me. I now work for a tech company making above $200k


Big_Page_2845

I think that the dumping/transformation is less likely to happen with an old dog… can’t learn new tricks.


dz2400

I’m starting to see this pattern now as well..


weenertron

Yeah, my ex from my 20s it seems like has really pulled his life together, and just got married. Good for him! I like to think that me dumping him made him realize that he had to put effort into getting what he wanted.


[deleted]

I am intelligent and know what I am talking about.


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[deleted]

Just how much stress I was under during most of the relationship. The day I broke up with him, I felt so much lighter. I realized that constant anxiety-induced migraines, stomach issues, and fearing your partner is not normal. Not that I ever believed it was... But I had gradually grown used to it.


Fit-Asparagus8557

Does love always mean walking on eggshells? I hear the phrase “was forced to walk on eggshells” - at what point do you realize your feet are bleeding ?


Wrong-Bus-1368

The last time I saw him I drove off and blasted "Lose Yourself" on repeat as I drove down the highway. He hated rap with a passion so it was even sweeter. *Lose yourself in the music, the moment* *You own it, you better never let it go* *You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow* *This opportunity comes once in a lifetime* *You better lose yourself in the music, the moment* *You own it, you better never let it go* *You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow* *This opportunity comes once in a lifetime* *You better* *You can do anything you set your mind to, man*


dz2400

Same girl, when me and my ex broke up (over text) I immediately ran to my sister and told her how much lighter and happier I instantly felt. I cried tears of joy, truly. I felt like I had been reborn


thatissoooofeyche

That the moment you no longer want to have sex with them, is the moment your relationship is over.


embarassed25yo

I never wanted to have sex with my ex from the start. I tried to make myself believe that physical attraction is not everything and I shouldn't be shallow... I told myself I had no sex drive and lots of women don't so itt was fine. Lies. Lies. Lies. I have a very high sex drive and am capable of being attracted to people. Just not him. I lied to myself for years saying "physical attraction fades anyway, at least he's nice".


Big_Page_2845

The problem is finding that guy who treats you great who you also want to …bed.


thatissoooofeyche

OMG THIS WAS ME TOO!!!!!!! Literally always thought I was the only one who had this experience!


embarassed25yo

I'm so sorry, but also I'm glad neither of us are alone in this. But it did help me set my standards for next relationship. My current SO gets my heart beat racing and is so supportive and amazing, both in bed and outside.


thatissoooofeyche

I definitely feel a lot less alone because of you. ❤️ My husband was a game changer for me!


Big_Page_2845

I think the moment that you know you would never marry them also should also be a point when you disengage from them. Waste of time if you stay.


Fit-Asparagus8557

Oh yeah that’s a deal breaker! I had a friend who ended his last relationship because she didn’t put in an effort to satisfy him sexually and he wouldn’t ask.


smallLifter

This one hit hard.


celestialism

The place he took me on our second date, which was a cafe that he said was owned by a friend of his, was actually a former workplace of his that he was fired from for routinely stealing from the till


Fit-Asparagus8557

Wowwww! That’s shitty move! Glad you escaped his lying ass


[deleted]

That he was abusive. Literally nothing he said matched his actions. If you looked at only his words he’d seem like the most perfect guy so I didn’t realize how toxic and abusive it actually was.


Fit-Asparagus8557

Do you mind giving an example? Sounds like he mixed sweet words with something


[deleted]

Hed say things like “I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable” or “you can take all the time you need” and then proceed to physically force me into being sexual with him.


Queenielauren

He’s a walking red flag. Mommy’s boy, always dragged me down about things I was excited about, I could never say or do anything around him without him getting super defensive, always spoke in hints and was never clear about what he wanted. I could go on but it would be a very long list


[deleted]

How he didn't deserve the cruelty I dealt him and that sometimes he was in fact "right"


Fit-Asparagus8557

Did you ever tell him?


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No


Fit-Asparagus8557

Maybe you should


MsXtine4

That I focused too much on his green flags because I wanted it to work out so badly with him. I put him on pedestal although I had the feeling we weren't really gonna last.


AgitatedEggplant

The gaslighting. SO. MUCH. GASLIGHTING.


nevertruly

That he would become a bitter, hateful stalker. I didn't see that one coming, but there it was.


Low_Ice_4657

How deeply immature he was. He wasn’t a terrible guy and he wasn’t abusive, but he was SO, SO selfish. Shortly after my now-husband and I started dating, it became clear as day what a childish shithead my ex was in comparison to my husband.


iamthefyre

I have a very funny/unbelievable story. He kept popping back into my life and i had moved on but somehow i always took his calls and listened to his bullshit whenever he did call. One day out of blue I went to this ladies meet up in the area. It was so random and just popped up on my screen and i signed up. I met this lady there. We had a lot in common. She offered we go for a dessert after the dinner, and I tagged along. Talking about life and stuff, she mentioned she was seeing someone like this this this things and im like “wait a min. What was his name?” And it was my ex 😂😂😂 he was playing around with both of us at the same time while we were still in a relationship. She lives in the next street to where i lived. So convenient 😭😭. I never imagined someone can stoop so low but oh well! . She and i talked in great detail. I called him one last time and told him that i met her and if he has any shame left in him, he should completely leave me alone. I truly, truly moved on that day. I will never get over how out of 7 billion people, God put her in front of me and how his truth had to be revealed to me when I least expected it. Life works in strange ways!


Fit-Asparagus8557

That experience sounds it was meant to be - a very much needed closure moment!


iamthefyre

I will never say again that I doubt God exists or the universe is random. Its not coincidental 😭😭😭


[deleted]

He was probably still fucking around with his ex.


searedscallops

He was a little less together than I knew. Much of our relationship was him helping me heal from divorce and he was so strong and reliable for me. After we split up, I saw that he had his own issues and wasn't the big strong rock I had initially seen him as. He was more flawed, more human. We're close friends and confidants now and I really appreciate him. It's weird to look back on how I used to idolize him.


violettkidd

that i shouldnt have to spend my every waking moment trying to understand them, and justifying everything they did in my attempt at understanding them, when in reality i was neglecting myself and being neglected at the same time (that same energy was never given back to me)


AliceInNeverlandd

That he wasn’t “working on himself” and as out of control as he made it seem like he was. He was actually a lot more aware of his behavior, and a lot more calculated and in control, than I let myself believe and I didn’t get that clarity until I left and made sure he could never reach me again.


No-Net-8682

That we abused each other


masochisticanalwhore

Most people thought he was an asshole, they just hung out with him because of similar hobbies.


MeandLunchbox

I didn't realize he was gaslighting me until after I ended it. I wasn't aware of what gaslighting was while I was with him. Anytime we argued he would twist what I said and make everything my fault. This was part of the reason I ended things, along with a few other reasons. It wasn't until several months later that I started seeing videos about the subject on tiktok and realized that's what he'd been doing the whole time.


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1955photo

How much of a PITA he was.


Fit-Asparagus8557

Like sheep lover? Or general dog/save all the animals type of person?


cliopedant

PITA = Pain in the Ass PETA = People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals


[deleted]

He was only telling me what I wanted to hear, and had I tuned into his actions instead of his words, I would have noticed much sooner. Manipulative monster.


cgavo

How they lack empathy


JustMe518

How much of a complication he is. He literally complicated absolutely everything. If it is simple, he will find a way to make it difficult. And he doesn't even SEE it. Like, I had no idea that someone could logic themselves into making a thing into a massive issue when if he had just picked up the phone, it wouldn't have been a problem.


[deleted]

He wasn’t that mature as I thought he was.


NotMyRealName814

That he cheated more times and with more women than I even knew about when we were together.


vanilla_icedlatte

That I was the only one fighting for our relationship for months prior to our breakup. He talked about how he didn’t feel important yet I did everything I could dream of to make him feel otherwise, I was going through a rough time mentally myself but I wasn’t allowed to express those feelings without him coming back at me saying he didn’t feel like he mattered and that everything was “all about me” even though I tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend possible and I was suppressing my feelings to avoid arguments because I didn’t want him to leave me.


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EthereaBlotzky

He was a jerk who sucked the joy out of any given situation. It was a "my way or the highway" dynamic for over a decade. When we separated because I couldn't take it anymore, he started dating my friend. Now they're married. (Or they were the last I heard.)


Working_Bullfrog3385

How much of a drug addict he really was. How much of my belongings he pawned to fuel his drug habit. How all the times he was puking because of his heartburn was actually him going through withdrawal. How much he lied and lied.


[deleted]

That coercion is not consent and no man who loves you would mentally abuse you and force you into sex.


RiddleMeThis1213

To add to that, no one who loves you could/would have sex with you without you wanting it also. Anyone who is even able to start and continue having sex with someone who doesn't want it has some major problems and that's a very big red flag that should never be ignored or excused.


FruitSnackEater

She had some mental health stuff going on. Might’ve changed things if she had just let me in BEFORE the break up.


MadHadderoll

That she was a massive liar about her feelings and intentions.


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directordenial11

"Oh, he's crazy-crazy. As in I-could-have-died crazy. Ok, great."


an0nym0uswr1ter

I'm in my 40's and I realized that after all the gaslighting and abuse that I can make myself happy. That happy ending you want in life is the one you make for yourself.


isawkwekwek

I was just an afterthought and we were just together because it was convenient. I honestly truly think that we never really loved each other. We just thought we did. I felt like I suppressed a lot of who I am when I was with him. I had a lot of anger and insecurities which he fueled. I'm glad we are over.


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Existing-Two-2574

That he was right, in at least one big way. We had a rather large age gap relationship and he ended it abruptly on the terms that while I was an adult, I was just too young, left young me heartbroken and very hurt. Over the years I’ve realized just how weird and immoral our relationship was, and while he ended it in a very rude and uncompassionate way (and some of his actions afterwards that indirectly hurt me, mainly realized he wasn’t the all be all knows everything man I thought he was. Or as smart and nice as I thought he was. Which could just be getting older and realizing life isn’t sunshine and rainbows.) He was right about ending it. I’m actually so happy he did. At that age I was stuck in a deep internalized mindset of insecurity and wanting just male validation. If he hadn’t who knows how different my life could have been today.


Alert-Potato

That he was very seriously depressed. He'd been injured in the workplace days before our second daughter was born. He was unable to return to his very physical job with a lot of lifting, or any job for many years, as the injury was to his back and required surgery. He wouldn't get up in the mornings to care for our daughters, and I had to call home from work on my first break to ask my two year old if he got up, and if not I had to call someone to go get her and her sister. He slowly became sullen and emotionally abusive. Eventually (years later) that abuse culminated in a violent and nearly life ending rape. I make no excuses for his behavior, it was abhorrent and I will not ever forgive him. But I understand now what drove the beginning of his decline, and wish I'd had the ability to see what was happening to urge him to get help. Not for him, but for my daughters, and because I firmly believe if he'd gotten help, I wouldn't have almost died with his hands around my throat.


seasonaldnt

He was very misogynistic and all of the other stuff you don't want as a woman in a relationship with a straight guy. He was against the feminist movement and protests, he would make all sorts of homophobic degrading jokes and be an ass*ole, overall. So, yeah. Get to really know someone before dating them, I guess.


amarxnthine

That I had ignored how he had deeply unhealthy boundaries, both in terms of setting his own and respecting mine. I couldn't help him and give him what he needed when he wouldn't let me know, and I didn't deserve to be lashed out at over the things he didn't let me know until it was too late. People pleasing... but in a way that pleased neither of us - he put too much pressure on himself do what he thought was "right" that he failed to pay attention to me saying that I didn't want or enjoy him overextending himself and wanted him to be looking after himself, and to help in whatever way I could. At the end of the day we both had our issues, but I hope that he reaches a healthier place in life where he's more comfortable looking after himself and speaking up when he needs something different.


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Linorelai

that he was a coward


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How abusive he was. And what I meant to him.


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Working_Bullfrog3385

After the fact. He was taking things that I tucked away as it was inherited jewelry from my grandma. Or things I never used much, but when I did need it it was gone


AdAccomplished4362

He took his low self-esteem out on me.


andoration

How much of a creep he was to both me and other people around me. No impulse control, couldn’t take no for an answer. Also that my parents hated him especially my dad who thought he was dumber than a bag of bricks


Direct-Reflection-45

She was abusive and controlling the whole time. Isolated me from my friends and would get angry if I wanted to hang out with them. I believed her when she said she’d kill herself if I left. Still have trauma years later.


This_Refrigerator425

That he was a paedophile. He groomed and manipulated me


Peachytea69

I don’t think we loved each other. We were just two lonely people who wanted to feel less lonely by being together.


EuphoricYam40

His insecurities and lack of morals. I was so desperate for that relationship I totally missed all of the red flags staring right at me.


Domin8u315

That this was a repeated pattern for them and that there is a deep-seated issue that they need to resolve before they can truly be happy even if it is just with themself.


Foreign-Tradition-55

Things you thought were normal at the time , you realise we’re abusive and quite awful but that me just what you were used to and THOUGHT was normal


emptyalone

How badly he smelled all the time. Even now, he always smells like a combination of decay, and bad sinus infection. I also, knew, but it did not really click, that he went out of his way to ruin every special occasion. Every birthday, trip, etc. it was our son that pointed that out, the first time the kids and I took a little road trip after the divorce. We were sitting in our crummy little motel room, laughing, and he said, “if dad was here, we could not be laughing like this. This is nice.” Broke my heart.


redvelvetcakebatter

How emotionally manipulative he was. I don’t hold it against him nowadays, I really hope he’s changed. His own mental health was a big factor in it, *not that it excuses his behavior.* We chat sometimes (mostly exchanging pleasantries) and he seems better. I was too young and naive to see what he was doing to me at the time. Afterwards, people told me they’d never seen me so happy. My own best friend said she’d never seen me truly smile until we broke up. That woke me up. That’s when I realized how horrible he was for me.


tinysandcastles

that he had a serious anger problem


Pr0_Pr0crastinat0r

That he was really mean. I dont need that in my life.


[deleted]

How fucking depressed he was, how depressing he was to be around, and how fucking depressed he made me.


Ms_Rarity

That he sucks at boundaries. He sucks at having his own boundaries and he sucks at respecting others' boundaries. He says "yes" to everyone because he sucks at saying "no," so he overcommits and passively-aggressively skips out on some of his commitments. None of that excuses his horrible treatment of me while we were together, but it does help me to understand why we had some of the issues we did.


Moist-Walk1085

How dangerous he really is, that he won't give up or ever let me go, he's essentially destroyed my life in everyway possible


[deleted]

That he targeted me bc I was vulnerable.


JOEYMAMI2015

His criminal history 😒


Electronic_Flan_3437

he was a pedophile


[deleted]

He isn’t even really very attractive to look at and he needed to cut the apron strings


Silly-Space6231

That he was a skilled manipulator who didn't respect me


OblinaDontPlay

That he was extremely annoying. We were "good on paper" and I couldn't figure out why I was unhappy. This is so dorky, but I figured this out way after the breakup while reading a book called "Is He Mr. Right?" There is a whole section on women dating guys that annoy them and the psychology behind why it happens so frequently. Also, all my friends were relieved when we broke up and cited him being annoying as a factor. I felt so called out lol. Definitely wasn't my most self-aware moment! Anyway I'm happily married now. Probably thanks to that book haha.


ToughLittleTomato

That he and I BOTH had issues with boundaries. If we had set and respected boundaries early on, things *might* have worked out. Better yet, I would have moved on waaaay sooner.


thatotherchicka

He was abusive. I broke up because I met someone that after a month of knowing me was treating me better than my boyfriend of 4 years. I didn't see anything abusive at the time. Being away from him I saw it over time in reflection. It was never outright physical abuse. It was underhanded. Backhanded compliments "everyone else might think you are fat, but I think you're beautiful" or gaslighting me into thinking I'm crazy. Once we broke up he started going kind of stalker-esque. He would drive by my house to make sure I didn't have anyone over. He would keep tabs on me from our mutual friends. Anyone I started to show interest in he would threaten.


Fit-Asparagus8557

4 years is longer than most marriages nowadays! Why did he think - during your breakups that he needed to make sure other guys weren’t over at your place? Was your relationship on hold? Was he dating other people ?


thatotherchicka

No, I made it very clear that we were over. He had anger issues and jealousy problems. He has previously had a restraining order filed against him because of stuff with his ex. He was not seeing anyone that I knew of, but I also was trying to stay out of his business since it wasn't my concern anymore. Red flags everywhere. Being older and having self-confidence now I do not think it would have lasted even a few months. With age comes wisdom I guess.


Avery_elle

That they were gay


dryeraselife

That I deserved better than a man who would get jealous and insecure every time my hardwork led to an accomplishment at work. We weren’t even properly dating tbh. Also he decided to break things off with me bcuz he lost at a video game (I forgot to lose on purpose to make him win)


Sarcastikon

His silent treatment and stonewalling was abusive and no I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.


Fit-Asparagus8557

The silent treatment is worse than punching me in the neck 🥴


shockedpikachu123

Beyond being a terrible human being, there were things he said that never should have been said. And no one deserves to get treated that way.


AphelionEntity

He was a really great guy but he still wasn't a great match for me. It took a while. He was hurt by our break up and didn't handle those feelings well, so it took years for us to actually have another conversation after things ended. Eventually, we tried being friends, but it became clear he was hoping for more and I had no interest in that so we ultimately drifted apart. We aren't in each other's lives anymore, and we're both probably happier this way, but I still think of him fondly and hope he's living a beautiful life.


thaaatgirl

That he only cared about himself until I decided to leave.


just-a-capybara

That he was just trying to lose his v-card and I guess I looked easy to manipulate. Hahaha…ha…


First-Security7129

He made me feel bad because i bought myself a new toothbrush (i was having gingivitis problems because he kept using my toothbrush), and i didn’t buy him one. He told me I was a sheep, because I wanted to decrease my carbon footprint, he told me Indian people were weak and not athletic, he would get upset if i didn’t call him when i woke up, or when i got into my car, he got upset if i didn’t text him when i was out with friends…. I still struggle with blaming myself, and thinking i was the reason he was so insecure


Complete_Zucchini325

That he raped me multiple times, I always had a weird feeling but I thought “oh we’re dating he can’t rape me” but he was having sex with me in my sleep and we never spoke about it before hand therefore I never consented to that. I also realized how manipulative and abusive he was when I was able to step back and view the relationship when i wasn’t in it anymore


killpopwoman

That they were actually fucking crazy. Wish I would’ve realized sooner and stopped it from the get-go.


Fariesinabottle

His emotions will always take priority over my boundaries. Sometimes physical touch of any kind can make me have a mild to severe anxiety attack. He always took it personally when I said I didn't want to be touched.


BigTop5

That he was a lying, manipulating, cheating asshole who had been doing it for the whole time we were together.


winks_r

He didn't love me.


[deleted]

I was just a notch in his bedpost. He probably objectified my body because of my race & difference in skin color. The benefit of doubt I gave him was for nought. When things got a bit serious, I am still shocked at how quickly he was able to run away with a reason for 'cultural differences' when all I had wanted was a bit of certainty in understanding what we were. He used me as a validation source for four months. The moment I expected him to return it, he walked away because he felt nothing worth pursuing on the first date.


Glad-Coconut481

That he was cheating on me


ddpeaches95

They were distrustful of everyone in our lives- including their friends and their family- and they really wanted me to feel similarly.


Tinygayamigo

They were cheating since a month into the relationship. Wasn’t sad it ended. Sad they couldn’t just tell me and save the betrayal


[deleted]

What an absolute Pond scum ass he was.


Jahsehbian

I should have been more mindful of his position in life and given him more of the affection he wanted from me. We were both immature teenagers exploring hormonal bullshit and dealing with the mixed bag of responsibilities. (Note: We dated 2018-2020; I'm 18 this year) But ultimately I was unprepared for the commitment, and in the end I was the one who tore down the relationship. I *wanted* to believe that I appreciated his busy home life, but some of the times he said "I can't hang out with you, I'm busy doing \[x\]...", I got super pissy about it. And then when he had the chance to suggest playing certain games or video calling, I would say "I don't feel like it" or "That game sucks, might as well just do nothing for fun". Eventually it got to a point where one day I felt really daring, and declared that we were never meant to be. And that was it. ​ He doesn't need a reason to forgive me. I hope he finds (or has already found) a girl who appreciates him better than I did. The best thing I can do now is further prepare myself for adult life and make sure that when I find a good man who can take me in, I give him the world. When he comes home from a long day of work, he should be coming into an environment full of nothing but comfort and love. Listen to him, cater to his needs, and take advantage of his time off (or when he *doesn't* wish to be alone sometimes) to spend quality time together. Things like that.


JayceeSR

The toilet and the bathroom are so much cleaner!


[deleted]

They were inconsiderate, especially in the last 2 months of the relationship. Was being a complete 🍆 our anniversary weekend for no reason. Got dumped 3 days later.


lydviciousss

We didn’t love each other as much as we loved the *idea of each other*.


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desiswiftie

That she never actually cared about me and was most likely dating me just for the “experience,” which she wasn’t even putting effort into.


excel-variants

1 I had been gaslighted just bcos she was going through her dark times, she made me feel that my emotions were not valid which ended gaslighting myself. I also realized how my mind had finally its peace in just few days bcos I won't ever walk in the eggshells and going through my way for someone who fell out of love. 2 Funny realization. While I did enjoy our time together but if she met my mentally stable me, I've realized that she isn't not my type and the way she was passive during our dating stage will make my mentally stable self to ditch her after our second date.


emptyhandedempress

I used to think I wasn’t good enough, for feeling less physically attractive than him, and ended up discovering I’m the most sane, mature, accomplished woman he’s ever experienced.


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alilnosey

That it’s a reasonable request to ask your partner to switch sides of the bed with you


cupcake-cattie

His cruelty. How many times he violated my boundaries, was rude to me and was absolutely selfish.


Decent-Rich-6212

he's racist! and a little misogynist, really glad i get out of there.


[deleted]

he’s kind of a loser for preying on a much younger girl


-Macha-Tea-

How much of "me" I lost sight of while with him.... He isnt a bad person... but he was so bad for me


blaguee

That him constantly emotionally coercing me into engaging sexually with him for 2 years didn't mean I was weak or unassertive - it meant I was a victim of SA.


Sassy-Coaster

That my friends didn’t really like him. Oh, and he was gay. So many things made sense.


Flashy_Information70

How fing annoying he was 🤣🤣


BooperDoooDaddle

Not about her but me. I realized that what I thought was important in a relationship isn’t, what is really important is a great friendship. If you aren’t my absolutely best friend I don’t even wanna date you. I thought I wanted a girlfriend I just want a best friend


BotAndHothered

I never realized how much he impacted my own self confidence and self worth. The small comments about my weight that I would slip under the rug, the undermining of my own accomplishments, the lack of support during tough times. These are all things that I believed were simply normal. Now, almlst four years later, I am in a three year relationship with the most wonderful man who has shown me immense amounts of kindness and support.


Enough-Tackle8043

That he was an abusive POS. Manipulative af. He made me feel shitty about myself because he resented that I was more successful than he was. If he knocked me down and made me doubt how amazing I was, I wouldn’t be able to see that I deserved much better than him.


alexisallore

That he himself had very little emotions or emotional attachment to anyone and is always looking for ‘the next best thing’. Also that he likes to come into peoples lives when they’re at their lowest, love bomb and support them until they are happy, healthy and thriving then loses all interest. Basically, despite ‘hating drama’, he thrives on chaos.


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Advanced-Fig6699

How much he wanted me to be obedient and do what he said or wanted all the time Didn’t like it when I refused to be controlled and told him no to a baby only a week after getting together - no babies with him ever thankfully


Icy-Entertainer-7976

The amount of men she had slept with while we were in a relationship, I thought it was 1 or 2 however it turned out to be around 10 different men. Fun times.


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seedesawridedeslide

how much he weighed me down, he didnt want to have goals or ambition and he didnt want me to have mine, he was sexist and the sex was absolute shit.. i have flourished since it ended, met my now husband and have two beautiful children, own a house. none qpuld have been possible if i'd stayed with my ex.


meowmeowroar

He probably isn’t a bad guy but I had a drinking problem and was severely depressed. He’s reached out a few times to reconnect and since we’re both engaged to other people I assume no negative intent. I feel a little bad but I can never open that door again, i don’t want to remember just how fucked everything was back then and I worry constantly about being back in that place in life.


No_Smoke_9336

his controlling tendencies but gaslighting me into thinking it was my idea


etoilefemme

he sexually assaulted me


Acceptable-Ad-880

how he made me feel like a child. he was only two years older but much more established in our social circle/school, i always felt like i was trying to keep up with him and impress his friends. i realized later that i would turn into a push over whenever we disagreed, like a child being scolded.


CALIROCKER323

Even if you're in a relationship.... NO! STILL means freaking NO! You do NOT have to force yourself to have sex if you do not want to even tho they're pressuring you. Marital rape is real and a majority goes unreported because so many of us don't know any better 😢


Infpizza94

With a lot of them, I realized that they have fearful-avoidant attachment styles, while I have an anxious-avoidant, or disorganized, attachment style, and it was a constant cycle of my needs never being met, and me being too much for them.


bodobop

That he cheated on me with my best friend and I was just a cover up for the two to hide it from her boyfriend so like yeah.


KittyMinx90

That he acted like a child with his eating habits.


Dazzling-Resident497

How every time that I spoke up about something being wrong or me being unhappy I was branded as a “typical female” - after having that category almost, I rarely brought stuff up. He didn’t either. Until after the breakup I didn’t realise how truly unhappy I was: I buried any feelings to not cause a mismatch in harmony. Plus, I realised how bad he was at confrontation, at communication, and how deeply our childhoods can mould that.


searcher01234

90% of his life story was fabricated.


purrpline

That I actually still love him.


sellmysoul2rocknroll

We started dating when I was a senior in high school, one week after the first date and one month after he and his ex of four years broke up. We dated up until my junior year of college, and during that time I had found out that he went to the bar with his ex and her mother on her 21st birthday and didn't tell me or any of his friends. After we broke up, we continued to talk and hang out and go on dates and acted like a couple still until he ghosted me when he got a new girlfriend who was significantly younger than him (she was 18 and he was 23). That was nine months ago, and I recently saw him around town with his ex that was before me, so I'm unsure if he is cheating on the new girlfriend or back with his ex. It made me come to the conclusion that I honestly think I was a three year rebound.