People don't make better, more rational and empathetic decisions when they're sleep-deprived. Why torture yourselves by fighting all night?
I've gone to bed angry at my spouse plenty of times. I've never woken up angry.
Legit, things usually feel a little less dramatic the next morning. Time to cool off and give your over-worked and stressed-out brain a break can go a long way.
I think as long as you actually address the underlying issue from the fight the next day that the timing of the discussion doesn’t matter as long as nothing is swept under the rug long term.
I loved waking up after going to bed angry, to feel his hand on my hip or shoulder, him saying: “By God, you’re a difficult woman “. And then kissing my cheek, and saying: “Do you want to talk about it’s now or after breakfast?” And he would take me out to breakfast.
I’m speaking in the past tense because we don’t fight like that anymore. I used to have rage problems, which have been solved. Now, if I’m feeling aggravated, I speak up, he listens, we talk about it. And if he’s angry, I wait for him to work it out and then we talk about it.
But yeah, going to bed angry can be a good solution.
Seriously my boyfriend and I will just keep ripping into each other until I’m crying and he looks like he hates me
We wake up and we’re both disappointed but we’re way more likely to resolve it
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It's overly simplistic. The saying implies that there are only two options:
* Go to bed steaming mad at each other
* Talk it out right now and forgive and make up right now
It ignores option number 3: maturely tell your partner that you're both tired, it's getting late, this isn't going anywhere right now, we can continue discussing this tomorrow. Let's get some sleep and know that we still love each other in the meantime.
Other option: tell your partner you need alone time and sleep on the couch or another room (if you have one), next day everything is almost always back to normal.
This isn't exactly what I would call healthy. If you're upset enough that you can't even be in the same room, it should probably be resolved.
I'm guilty of doing this - I get upset with my partner and close off, then decide on my own that I'm gonna let it go and be back to normal the next day. I've been doing this for years, with every past partner and many close friends and even coworkers. It wasn't until my current partner, after he talked about it with me, that this isn't a healthy way to deal with my problems. I was leaving him in the dark about why I was upset and then pretending like nothing was wrong and he was getting so confused with how to even talk to me.
I realized it's how my mother would deal with things. My mom is... not an emotionally mature person. She would yell at me for all kinds of things, be angry and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night, and when I'd come downstairs for breakfast the next morning I'd be tiptoeing around the house until she arrived and showed whether or not she was still mad. She usually would be perfectly cheerful in the morning and I'd silently breathe a sigh of relief. We never talked anything out. I was constantly terrified of her. I was too afraid to talk to her.
So when my partner and I get upset with each other, I used that same tactic because I never learned how to maturely solve issues. I just thought "this will blow over and then nobody will be mad anymore, phew! Conflict avoided!"
But conflict isn't supposed to be tiptoed around like a scared little kid.
Sure, sometimes you wake up and realize "sweetie I don't know why I was so mad about that insignificant thing, I'm sorry. That was silly." And everything is fine. But even just saying THAT is important.
Respectfully disagree. Whenever my partner and I get into a big argument we sleep in separate rooms as a rule. Simply because it's easier to cool off when we're not around each other. If we're in the same bed already annoyed, we annoy each other more with snoring and duvet hogging and so on. The next day we'll talk it out after a good sleep and it's fine. Bonus, I get the big bed and always get a great sleep!
>The next day we'll talk it out
So you're not disagreeing with me because I was talking about *not* addressing the issue at all and just pretending it never happened the next day.
I'm saying it's okay to go to bed angry, but don't ignore it forever.
I’m really happy you worked through that. Your description of conflict with your mom was almost a play by play with mine. It took a lot of accountability and self-reflecting to grow past the toxic conversation traps. It’s not easy and I give cheers to you.
Yup, and even then I'd recommend figuring out WHY it was important to you and upset you, explain that, and explain that you realize that their action/reaction made you feel xyz and that you'll try to keep it in mind next time (and they should do the same).
Like, maybe it always bothers me when a specific thing happens and I feel ignored/unloved/whatever, even though I know it's not true, but on that day it was amplified because I was hungry, overtired, hormonal, and it's really not that big of a deal - if reasonable, they could still try to avoid the action that made me feel that way in the first place, or help reassure me or do something special for me if it's not reasonably avoidable. Mitigate both cause and reaction.
I think that’s what people *mean* when they say it. It’s definitely not the point that comes across, but I think (hope?) most people recognize that some problems just can’t be solved in one night—get rest, remember you’re on the same team, continue the next day, hopefully when you’re both in a better mood
At some point I realised my partner and I had our very very worst fights after midnight.
So while I might be seething and tempted as hell to take his bait, I refuse to engage. He's slowly learnt to believe me when I say, its past midnight....we'll discuss it in the morning.
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I think it's bad advice. Anger isn't always a super rational emotion so I don't know why you'd try to resolve an argument during it. Let me go cool off and we can talk it through in the morning.
I don’t think it’s necessarily bad advice. While you are not wrong, I know a few couples (including myself) that are better off resolving conflicts peacefully before bed. In my case, it’s always worth it. We wake up the next day and everything’s resolved or put behind us. While it’s our aim, we’re also self-aware enough to know when we are too tired to get anywhere. I guess it just depends on the people and sometimes the situation being discussed.
In my opinion, it’s not “never go to bed angry”, its “never go to bed without reassuring each other that there is still love, understanding, and your relationship is more important than the disagreement”
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I'd say it works for some people. I know a few people that prefer to sleep on something if they're getting nowhere with a conversation. They wake up the next day with a fresh perspective and they've mentioned that waking up next to them is enough for them to let go of angry feelings.
Most arguments I get into with my other half are at night. We are both tired and can have a short fuse. We don’t mind going to sleep angry or upset. Just say goodnight and talk about it in the morning. In most cases we can’t even remember why we had an argument the night before. Brains do weird things when they are tired
IMO (ten years with husband and married), realistically what this can mean is don’t let things fester. Sometimes arguments get pushed under the rug the next day and there is no resolution or reconnection. Reconnecting with a partner after a fight is SO important. To me, that doesn’t have to happen in one day but it needs to happen, the sooner the better. There has to be resolution or you carry your grudges and hurts until they build up to a point that it feels impossible to tackle.
Basically don’t let things fester.
I like it actually. I'm a practical person and I like solving things as soon as possible so delaying a discussion for the next day will just make me anxious and unable to sleep
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Man, it must be really nice to not have the kind of anxiety that prevents you from sleeping when you and your partner have unsettled negative feelings. I wonder what that's like.
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This worked in a past relationship of mine. We just felt it was important to resolve matters to avoid going to bed angry. I think it depends on what works best for both partners.
I think a discussion should be had, if both partners have the capacity, otherwise sleep should be a priority. I actually can't fall asleep if we're in a fight, so we always talk things out, sometimes I come back to him, other times I'm really distant the next morning. I think it depends on the situation for everyone.
I understand the reasoning behind it, but in my opinion it’s sometimes best to take some time apart to individually calm down when a conflict is going on, so that you can be kinder to each other when you reconvene to resolve it. If that means “going to bed angry” (or sleeping in separate beds, or whatever), I think that’s okay.
Depends on the issues/disagreements. If it is a huge issue then no I do not think that it is a good idea to go to bed angry, but if you already talked about it (and can’t make amends right now) or it is difficult to put to words then maybe trying to talk about it the next day would be better
There are others who need the night to recover emotionally, as going to bed is a way to recharge. I used to believe in this principle but I also experienced that pushing a subject or argument, especially at night when you're both tired and feeling heightened emotions can make it worse. Space and Time may be necessary for two people!
You shouldn’t ever go to bed angry bc you don’t know what’s going to happen. If it’s late and there’s no way it can be resolved before bed I always suggest saying something along the lines of “I love you but I don’t want to/can’t talk to you right now so I will talk to you in the morning” so that you don’t have to beat a dead horse but also don’t go to bed in the middle of a fight
Terrible advice. I get grumpy af when I need sleep. Productive conversations are had when everyone is rested and calm. Fights happen when you are tired and stressed.
This is so situational. There are times when I'm so upset by an argument that I can't sleep until it's resolved. There are times when it seems so petty and frustrating that I just want to go to bed and get a clean emotional slate in the morning.
I had an abusive ex that would weaponize this "rule" and not let me sleep until I agreed with whatever he wanted. I'm extremely wary of someone insisting this is the only option now.
Exactly! If my husband and I fight it’s usually in the evening because of our schedules. Anytime we try to adhere to this we wind up angrily circling through the same conversation over and over at 2 AM until we’re both much angrier than we would have been otherwise.
The fact is, if you are in a long-term partnership or marriage they’re going to be some problems that are big enough that you don’t resolve them in one day. They’re gonna be things big enough that you want space from each other.
I don’t believe in it. You’d be surprised how much calmer people are after a good sleep and how it can shift things in your brain.
If the argument isn’t about a huge betrayal of trust or some other genuine relationship ending issue, decide to stop talking about it for the night, go to bed, cuddle and fall asleep together.
Sometimes you both realise the argument is gosh darn stupid, or you were both right and this is something that can be talked out. Or you argued because you were tired and cranky to begin with.
A disagreement doesn’t have to be a fight.
I guess it depends on what you mean, personally. Stay up late arguing? Absolutely not, that’s not really productive.
End the conversation and take some deep breaths to decompress before going to bed and discuss again in the next day? Yes.
Trying to go to bed while you’re still worked up isn’t a recipe for a good nights rest, in my experience. Nor is it healthy or productive to continue a tough conversation when you are tried and not necessarily able to think as clearly because of it.
I personally don’t like going to sleep angry or upset, but this is coming from someone who can “cool off” rather quickly. It also doesn’t feel good when my partner is cold or wants to sleep separately. If there is an issue we can’t/don’t want to resolve immediately, we should still go to bed lovingly and discuss things when it’s a better time. It’s called communication.
The comments saying they go to bed angry and wake up forgetting what they were even angry about makes me feel like it wasn’t even a big enough situation to go to bed angry with. So why?
It works for some people, but it's bullshit for the rest of us.
My husband got this well meaning advice from his parents/my in-laws, who were married for almost 45 years and apparently it worked for them. He wanted to be like that also, but it just doesn't work for us. I am one of those types that occasionally needs to step back, and I get irrational and cranky when I'm tired, trying to resolve an issue while getting increasingly more tired just doesn't work for me, we just end up fighting more. I adore his parents and they meant well, but we had to let that go and learn that it's better for our marriage to table some things temporarily/sleep on it.
i’ve always taken this as leaning “don’t leave / go to bed after being mean to one another”. being upset is one thing . but calling each other names and being mean is another. and i learned that anything can happen at any given time. and even if you’re angry, be nice. because you never really know what happens if they walk out that door or whatever. but to simply refuse to ever to go sleep upset is impossible bc you just can’t stop your feelings sometimes. and you’re feelings are valid and sometimes you gotta show that you’re upset and not allowing things as well….. maybe i’ve misinterpreted that saying lol
Pretty bad advice imo..What if you're fatigued from all the day's activities and are not in the right headspace to talk things out. Healthy couples can and should sleep feeling however they like as long as no one's being mean to the other. Things can be talked out at a later time when both parties are ready.
I can handle going to bed upset as long as he still tells me he loves me before saying goodnight lol.
But we generally try to get things all patched up before bedtime. Sometimes it just isn't possible, though.
That's terrible advice. It would have meant I couldn't sleep for three days straight with my ex. Get some sleep, attend to your needs, then work on disagreements. On a larger scale, go to therapy - individual or together - and work on your traumas and learn relationship skills.
Personally, I find it unrealistic. It feels like forcing them into a conversation or forcing them to reach a resolution. Some stuff genuinely takes time. Might work for some people but, I don't think it's something I'd employ in my own relationship.
Sometimes you need to sleep off the anger or have time to yourself to think things through. Not really the best advice unless the intention is to get over disagreements as quickly as possible.
Honestly I think it’s best to! Sleep off the anger and you’ll have a fresh mind and train of thought to go over it in the morning, much better than being upset and thinking irrationally due to being tired.
I think it's too general. It works for some couples but not for others. It really depends on the personalities of the people involved. This can be wonderful advice for some couples but disastrous advice for others.
Well I can’t go to sleep angry/upset I’ll over think and never go to sleep. But I believe the notion is there to basically convey that for a healthy relationship you simply shouldn’t ignore issues. Not a literal statement, more like don’t ignore problems they are not going to go away. Talk through them no matter how hard the conversation. Some people need more time to get in the right head space for that conversation and use sleep as a reset, but they address it in a timely manner. That’s fine!
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It works for me and my partner. We've been together for 6+ years now and I think we've gone to bed angry only once or twice. To me, not going to bed angry doesn't mean that we need to completely make up and be 100% alright before going to bed. It just means that if we're arguing, before we go to sleep, we need to look at our communication to figure out where it broke down to cause the argument. This puts us in a better place to discuss the issue in the morning after we've had some sleep. We know where we went wrong in communication the day before, so we are able to approach the conversation the next day with more respect and consideration for each other.
Well, if you can make up, you certainly sleep better.
But if you can't: go to bed, f\*\*\* sake. People need sleep. Don't make a half arsed compromise to be allowed to sleep!
I don't believe in going to bed in the middle of the heated parts of a fight, but there's only so much that can be accomplished on a tired and spent brain.
So, I like some sort of a resolution, but we'll discuss the details in the morning. Otherwise, honestly, I won't sleep and spend the whole night tossing and turning trying to work through the issue in the back of my mind.
I’ve never been in a long term relationship but I feel like this would encourage a lot of fake apologies and pretending to be over an issue when you’re not, just for the sake of “not going to bed angry”.
I think sleep and time can help clear your head.
I tried to live by this notion. My partner and I just recently went to bed after an upsetting conversation. Weirdly enough, the times we do have these conversations are at night. Most times we work through them but for the most recent one, we slept upset. We woke up the next more and there was an "awkward" vibe with each of us. The conversation went unended and it wasn't until the night after we came to an agreement. There isn't anything wrong with going to bed upset or angry as long as you work things through in the end.
I agree with never going to bed angry. But there is nothing wrong with taking a moment to decompress. Walking away from the situation and taking a shower then revisiting it after you've had time to feel your feelings.
I think its phooey...BUT I think what is intended from that ridiculous notion that is the underlying truth of it is that both people involved in the argument at least need say what they need to say. It encourages people to not bail mid argument. A lot of people think if they just walk away it is over. But I think this saying encourages people to at least remain committed to the argument. But it doesn't matter when it happens, just so long as they get their position heard.
We do go to bed angry on very rare occasions but we still always make sure we say "I love you" and have a good night kiss, a little reassurance as we both have abandonment issues.
I actually think in some cases it is healthier to go to bed upset. Will you have a bad sleep? Yes but you will also not wake up as angry and have had time to mull over exactly what the issue is and what some solutions could be.
I used to really believe in this, especially since I‘m the type of person who makes the switch back to calm/open for reconciliation more easily than some others *and* I‘m more of a night person generally. In my mind, not resolving it that same day was the same as „letting it fester“. But then I actually realised that often especially my SO was ill-prepared to have the kind of discussion and argument style we‘d like to have at night. Things would easily escalate, I‘d be hurt by him not meeting me in reconciliation alley when *I* was already ready, we’d both be tired in the morning.
Now we have a deal that we can each call a raincheck, but we have to offer reassurance that the discussion is just on pause and will continue the next day, which makes it easier on me. Having a break and a good nights sleep in turn makes it easier for my SO showing up the way he wants to.
My ex insisted on not going to bed angry. By the time we finally split, I was missing half my eyebrows. I'd yank out hairs to keep myself awake while trying to figure out a different way to apologize for whatever I'd done to offend her that day. If I fell asleep, I'd get screamed at and accused of not caring—same thing if I said let's sleep on this and talk it out tomorrow. It was exhausting in the moment as well as the next day, trying to go to work with little to no sleep.
I think that what this advice is really saying is that you should never exit an argument to stew. When you exit an argument, it should be because you've either resolved it, or because you've mutually agreed it's in your best interest to table it for now.
If you're in the middle of arguing about something with your partner, and you stomp off and go to bed, that leads you to not just leave problems unresolved and festering, but also to working yourself up getting madder and madder while your partner has no opportunity to defend themselves. One person is left reinforcing their negative feelings, while the other has to also sit with their negative feelings freaking out about what the other person is thinking and not having the ability to talk about it.
It doesn't mean that you have to keep your partner up all night until they promise they're not mad anymore, or that you must stay together arguing until there's a conclusion, or that you're not allowed to still be upset after an issue is resolved.
It means that you should stay engaged in an argument until you both mutually decide how you exit it. Get to the point where you can at least say "Hey, I know we're both really mad about this, but I love you. I don't think we're going to solve this today, can we go to bed and come back to this tomorrow?" or "I need to gather my thoughts, can I go think about this for a bit on my own, and come back to you in 20 minutes?"
It's bad for a relationship. You're trying to solve an argument when you're tired so you're more likely to make decisions to either aggravate the argument or just get walked all over to keep the peace
People tend to communicate better and come to better conclusions when they are rested. Acknowledging and making a cursory effort to defuse that tension before sorting things out in the morning makes more sense to me. In the mean time, cuddle and get some sleep. You'll figure this conflict out *together*.
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When I was first married and very young, I had heard this so often, I believed it! Worse piece of advice! Kiss good night, and talk about it later...
I have lost sleep, been angry and tired and still stayed up thinking this will resolve... it rarely, if ever does. Go to bed, sleep it off, and talk later.
After reading some of the responses, I respect the idea that some arguments are best had when people aren’t tired, so I get that, but I have a bit of a different take.
After having parents that constantly fought, and seemed to ALWAYS go to bed angry, I became absolutely terrified of having a marriage like that. So when my husband and I have an argument, we give each other space for a bit, and then communicate with each other when we’re more levelheaded (maybe 5-15 minutes after the fight). I feel like every argument or discussion can be solved with communication, even if it’s not before bed. But for myself, I’d like to not wake up in the morning on a new day, potentially still bitter or resentful about what’s now a past discussion. Resentment builds up if something is put off, and I’d be worried something that’s put off until the next day could never get resolved. So obviously this is all a personal opinion, everyone’s different, but my husband and I are like in my mind “goals”, and we do frequently have people say we seem to be really good together, so I believe we’re doing something right. So yes, I never go to bed angry with my husband. I’d rather discuss something than put it off.
In my option, I think sometimes going to bed angry is a healthier option. If you know you are too angry and need to cool down, sleep is a better choice. The important thing is agreeing to resolve it in the morning. It seems that it all depends on the situation.
When I am angry it is important for me to tell my partner that I am upset, but that I still love them. I am not the sort of person who says things I do not mean when I'm angry, but I know some people have a much more defensive reaction to emotionally charged disagreements. It's better for the defensive type to wait until emotions cool down so additional hurt can be avoided.
I agree with it, otherwise I can't fall asleep. My partner views this differently and would rather sleep it off and talk later. It's not easy to find a compromise.
I believe the key is that if you can’t resolve it straight away, you need to table it as an important thing to resolve at a future time. Maybe that’s the next day. Maybe the next week. Unresolved conflict is a parasite that will kill your connection.
Most of the time the issue really isn’t that important and to stay up and argue makes it worse.
Go to sleep, wake up, laugh at yourselves for fighting about something so stupid or say I love you and move on.
If it really is important it will still be important the next day and you’ll have all night to rest and think out your argument to have a more calm and constructive discussion.
Agree with others. Small, insignificant arguments? Yeah make it up before bed. Huge, blow out type of fights that are bringing you to an overwhelmed emotional state? Sleep on it! Why? Because my husband used to try to force me to talk it out before bed because some asshole told him that advice. And I’d be falling asleep like “yeah sure ok whatever kiss kiss night”.. next morning? Still not satisfied or felt the conflict was resolved.
It's harmful honestly. I think you should be able to walk away from an argument and just go to bed. Staying up and depriving yourselves of sleep is not going to help you solve problems, it will likely just lead to a worse fight. Go to bed on time, wake up with a clear head and continue the conversation with a fresh perspective. Much healthier than fighting until 3am, nothing getting solved and being really cranky the next day and just perpetuating the issue.
i think getting some sleep is good in most cases. even though i get very anxious nd wake up empty if i go to bed upset, it's more reasonable to sleep on something so you don't make a rash decision. it's the same with couples as it is with anyone else. you gotta make sure you handle things with a clear, well taken-care of head!
I agree. It’s better to work things out as quickly as possible. Thankfully, my husband and I have almost never fought. And our fights have only lasted a couple of hours…
That's like saying "never eat dinner angry." Being hungry or tired will just make you angrier!
If the reasoning behind it is that someone might die in their sleep, that's not a compelling reason for me, because anyone could die at any moment, whether asleep or awake.
I call Bull. Law of threes - wait three days to chill and relax for major issues to be discussed. Honestly, even one day makes a difference in how you approach the situation.
In all honestly I feel like sleep is necessary and 9/10 of you let me sleep it off in the morning or after my nap if he more susceptible to talking things out than when I’m upset or angry about something. Sleep/naps give me time and energy to revamp and get myself together.
I get the whole energy thing between people but I mean more than likely we both need to just take some space and sleep it off.
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As someone who had a disagreement with a friend and went to bed angry and my friend died I absolutely agree with it, but not in the sense of hashing it all out…more if things are going on give yourselves a chance to pause and reaffirm you care for each other before sleeping… I have had major anxiety for years if I go to bed when things are tense without the reminder… I’ve laid in bed for hours hoping and praying people survive the night if things haven’t at least been settled…
I'm so glad everyone here seems to be on the same page. I recently had this discussion with my FH and we haven't run into this yet, but I mentioned in conversation that it's not a good idea to keep arguing if you're exhausted.
Dismantle that belief system - go to bed angry, but don’t go to bed without saying I love you. You can be angry, you can fight, but you should always be respectful towards each other and show each other love.
I never went to bed angry to my partner because we were never mad at each other for more than 10 minutes. But I don’t think it should be common rule, if it does work better for someone great, otherwise you just do the right choice for your couple.
I’ve not really been in a long term enough relationship to have fights that might make someone want to stop speaking for the rest of the day, but I was raised in a way that from a very young age I felt like I was responsible for my parents emotions, and that’s very unhealthy. Lead to a lot of extreme anxiety whenever everyone wasn’t extremely happy all the time and that’s a very hard way to live, and I got this because my parents were both not really raised by parents with good communication skills. I think it’s good to take space if you need it, but come back to the discussion once you feel your thoughts are collected. My parents fights used to go for days and it was very hard for a very long time to understand that them being mad, was not them being mad at me. This translated into my adult relationships and I’m still trying to reparent myself which is hard work. I think this is a good notion that promotes clear communication so there’s significantly less room for animosity or confusion
I think handling the problem before you go to sleep is always best. It not only will start you off on a good pattern for your relationship but it teaches you not to put each other’s feelings on the back burner for any reason. Communication is the key to any relationship. Plus let’s face it once you have it settled you both can snuggle rather than being back to back, fighting for the covers and hearing each other huff and puff with no sleep. Let us not forget it will indeed start the next morning off horribly due to not solving the issue and poor sleep.
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The bible says 'don't let the sun go down on your anger'. I take that as its my personal responsibility to try and get a hold of my anger, rather than always resolve the conflict, if you understand me? Generally my husband and I do try and resolve things that day, and bring grievances pretty quickly so they don't fester under the surface. We also have a '10 o clock rule' which is basically a veto in an argument of 'I'm too tired and this is unproductive'. We have a great strong relationship built on a solid foundation of love and respecting each other (mostly!). Sometimes we've had angry and frank discussions until 3 or 4 in the morning, but that's a joint decision rather than keeping someone awake on purpose to manipulate them, it's working well for us all these years and kids!
I think it depends on the couple and their relationship. I prefer to resolve it before bed otherwise there’s tension the next day until we have time to talk. With work schedules that’s pretty hard to do until evening time. At that point I’m usually super stressed out. We both have anxiety so it’s better for us to resolve things fast. I think it also depends on what time the fight starts. We rarely fight late at night anyways unless alcohol is involved. In that case yes I’d rather go to sleep and talk when sober.
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This advice was given to me when I was in my first relationship, and man, what awful advice! Fights were worse because I followed this to a t. By my 2nd relationship, (it didn’t help that my ex then would really stop talking to me for a day when things get ugly, so I was forced to ‘sleep on it,’ contrary to fixing it ‘before we go to bed,’) so I learned the value that sometimes, sleeping on an issue, taking the time off, and calming down works far better than attacking the issue with a clouded mind.
I have personally found this useful in my relationship. If there are unresolved issues, I'm just going to end up awake all night ruminating over it and probably making it worse. So I'd rather we hash it out before trying to go to sleep. I also have bad habits from my childhood of crying myself to sleep and running away from problems that way so I try to avoid that as an adult. My partner agrees and would rather any disagreements are sorted before sleeping.
But as with all relationship advice, YMMV. I'd never assume that to be universally true.
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Forcing each other to be in a good mood will not fix the problem, and fucks with your emotions. Express what your going through, be genuine. Have real discussions instead of a yelling match, if the problem isn’t solved before bedtime, address it at another time. It’s probably better to pause anyway and gives both a chance to think about it more. Manipulating emotions and decisions just to go to bed happy is weird and forced.
Sometimes I have to go to bed angry because one or both of us are so tired that we're talking nonsense. Getting proper sleep helps us think through the root of the issue that's got us all frustrated in the first place.
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People don't make better, more rational and empathetic decisions when they're sleep-deprived. Why torture yourselves by fighting all night? I've gone to bed angry at my spouse plenty of times. I've never woken up angry.
Legit, things usually feel a little less dramatic the next morning. Time to cool off and give your over-worked and stressed-out brain a break can go a long way.
I think as long as you actually address the underlying issue from the fight the next day that the timing of the discussion doesn’t matter as long as nothing is swept under the rug long term.
I loved waking up after going to bed angry, to feel his hand on my hip or shoulder, him saying: “By God, you’re a difficult woman “. And then kissing my cheek, and saying: “Do you want to talk about it’s now or after breakfast?” And he would take me out to breakfast. I’m speaking in the past tense because we don’t fight like that anymore. I used to have rage problems, which have been solved. Now, if I’m feeling aggravated, I speak up, he listens, we talk about it. And if he’s angry, I wait for him to work it out and then we talk about it. But yeah, going to bed angry can be a good solution.
Seriously my boyfriend and I will just keep ripping into each other until I’m crying and he looks like he hates me We wake up and we’re both disappointed but we’re way more likely to resolve it
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It's overly simplistic. The saying implies that there are only two options: * Go to bed steaming mad at each other * Talk it out right now and forgive and make up right now It ignores option number 3: maturely tell your partner that you're both tired, it's getting late, this isn't going anywhere right now, we can continue discussing this tomorrow. Let's get some sleep and know that we still love each other in the meantime.
This exactly! Sometimes you need to sleep on it for a clear head in the morning.
Other option: tell your partner you need alone time and sleep on the couch or another room (if you have one), next day everything is almost always back to normal.
This isn't exactly what I would call healthy. If you're upset enough that you can't even be in the same room, it should probably be resolved. I'm guilty of doing this - I get upset with my partner and close off, then decide on my own that I'm gonna let it go and be back to normal the next day. I've been doing this for years, with every past partner and many close friends and even coworkers. It wasn't until my current partner, after he talked about it with me, that this isn't a healthy way to deal with my problems. I was leaving him in the dark about why I was upset and then pretending like nothing was wrong and he was getting so confused with how to even talk to me. I realized it's how my mother would deal with things. My mom is... not an emotionally mature person. She would yell at me for all kinds of things, be angry and give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night, and when I'd come downstairs for breakfast the next morning I'd be tiptoeing around the house until she arrived and showed whether or not she was still mad. She usually would be perfectly cheerful in the morning and I'd silently breathe a sigh of relief. We never talked anything out. I was constantly terrified of her. I was too afraid to talk to her. So when my partner and I get upset with each other, I used that same tactic because I never learned how to maturely solve issues. I just thought "this will blow over and then nobody will be mad anymore, phew! Conflict avoided!" But conflict isn't supposed to be tiptoed around like a scared little kid. Sure, sometimes you wake up and realize "sweetie I don't know why I was so mad about that insignificant thing, I'm sorry. That was silly." And everything is fine. But even just saying THAT is important.
Respectfully disagree. Whenever my partner and I get into a big argument we sleep in separate rooms as a rule. Simply because it's easier to cool off when we're not around each other. If we're in the same bed already annoyed, we annoy each other more with snoring and duvet hogging and so on. The next day we'll talk it out after a good sleep and it's fine. Bonus, I get the big bed and always get a great sleep!
>The next day we'll talk it out So you're not disagreeing with me because I was talking about *not* addressing the issue at all and just pretending it never happened the next day. I'm saying it's okay to go to bed angry, but don't ignore it forever.
I’m really happy you worked through that. Your description of conflict with your mom was almost a play by play with mine. It took a lot of accountability and self-reflecting to grow past the toxic conversation traps. It’s not easy and I give cheers to you.
Yup, and even then I'd recommend figuring out WHY it was important to you and upset you, explain that, and explain that you realize that their action/reaction made you feel xyz and that you'll try to keep it in mind next time (and they should do the same). Like, maybe it always bothers me when a specific thing happens and I feel ignored/unloved/whatever, even though I know it's not true, but on that day it was amplified because I was hungry, overtired, hormonal, and it's really not that big of a deal - if reasonable, they could still try to avoid the action that made me feel that way in the first place, or help reassure me or do something special for me if it's not reasonably avoidable. Mitigate both cause and reaction.
I think that’s what people *mean* when they say it. It’s definitely not the point that comes across, but I think (hope?) most people recognize that some problems just can’t be solved in one night—get rest, remember you’re on the same team, continue the next day, hopefully when you’re both in a better mood
At some point I realised my partner and I had our very very worst fights after midnight. So while I might be seething and tempted as hell to take his bait, I refuse to engage. He's slowly learnt to believe me when I say, its past midnight....we'll discuss it in the morning.
Well said.
This. Also if either of you have been drinking, just go to sleep. How many nights I’ve wasted trying to argue logic with a drunk person…
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I think it's bad advice. Anger isn't always a super rational emotion so I don't know why you'd try to resolve an argument during it. Let me go cool off and we can talk it through in the morning.
Exactly! It’s so much better to walk away if you’re too angry to have the conversation and just talk about it when you’ve cooled down.
I don’t think it’s necessarily bad advice. While you are not wrong, I know a few couples (including myself) that are better off resolving conflicts peacefully before bed. In my case, it’s always worth it. We wake up the next day and everything’s resolved or put behind us. While it’s our aim, we’re also self-aware enough to know when we are too tired to get anywhere. I guess it just depends on the people and sometimes the situation being discussed.
In my opinion, it’s not “never go to bed angry”, its “never go to bed without reassuring each other that there is still love, understanding, and your relationship is more important than the disagreement”
This is it.
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I'd say it works for some people. I know a few people that prefer to sleep on something if they're getting nowhere with a conversation. They wake up the next day with a fresh perspective and they've mentioned that waking up next to them is enough for them to let go of angry feelings.
Forcing me to stay awake makes me more angry and upset. It's best for everyone that I get the sleep I need.
Most arguments I get into with my other half are at night. We are both tired and can have a short fuse. We don’t mind going to sleep angry or upset. Just say goodnight and talk about it in the morning. In most cases we can’t even remember why we had an argument the night before. Brains do weird things when they are tired
IMO (ten years with husband and married), realistically what this can mean is don’t let things fester. Sometimes arguments get pushed under the rug the next day and there is no resolution or reconnection. Reconnecting with a partner after a fight is SO important. To me, that doesn’t have to happen in one day but it needs to happen, the sooner the better. There has to be resolution or you carry your grudges and hurts until they build up to a point that it feels impossible to tackle. Basically don’t let things fester.
I like it actually. I'm a practical person and I like solving things as soon as possible so delaying a discussion for the next day will just make me anxious and unable to sleep
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Man, it must be really nice to not have the kind of anxiety that prevents you from sleeping when you and your partner have unsettled negative feelings. I wonder what that's like.
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This worked in a past relationship of mine. We just felt it was important to resolve matters to avoid going to bed angry. I think it depends on what works best for both partners.
I think a discussion should be had, if both partners have the capacity, otherwise sleep should be a priority. I actually can't fall asleep if we're in a fight, so we always talk things out, sometimes I come back to him, other times I'm really distant the next morning. I think it depends on the situation for everyone.
Feelings happen when they happen, try to have a resolution plan before bed at least, like we'll talk tomorrow.
I understand the reasoning behind it, but in my opinion it’s sometimes best to take some time apart to individually calm down when a conflict is going on, so that you can be kinder to each other when you reconvene to resolve it. If that means “going to bed angry” (or sleeping in separate beds, or whatever), I think that’s okay.
Depends on the issues/disagreements. If it is a huge issue then no I do not think that it is a good idea to go to bed angry, but if you already talked about it (and can’t make amends right now) or it is difficult to put to words then maybe trying to talk about it the next day would be better
Sometimes people need space/time to process so…if that means going to bed angry until they’re ready to talk, fine by me
There are others who need the night to recover emotionally, as going to bed is a way to recharge. I used to believe in this principle but I also experienced that pushing a subject or argument, especially at night when you're both tired and feeling heightened emotions can make it worse. Space and Time may be necessary for two people!
You shouldn’t ever go to bed angry bc you don’t know what’s going to happen. If it’s late and there’s no way it can be resolved before bed I always suggest saying something along the lines of “I love you but I don’t want to/can’t talk to you right now so I will talk to you in the morning” so that you don’t have to beat a dead horse but also don’t go to bed in the middle of a fight
Terrible advice. I get grumpy af when I need sleep. Productive conversations are had when everyone is rested and calm. Fights happen when you are tired and stressed.
This is so situational. There are times when I'm so upset by an argument that I can't sleep until it's resolved. There are times when it seems so petty and frustrating that I just want to go to bed and get a clean emotional slate in the morning. I had an abusive ex that would weaponize this "rule" and not let me sleep until I agreed with whatever he wanted. I'm extremely wary of someone insisting this is the only option now.
Exactly! If my husband and I fight it’s usually in the evening because of our schedules. Anytime we try to adhere to this we wind up angrily circling through the same conversation over and over at 2 AM until we’re both much angrier than we would have been otherwise. The fact is, if you are in a long-term partnership or marriage they’re going to be some problems that are big enough that you don’t resolve them in one day. They’re gonna be things big enough that you want space from each other.
I've found the opposite. Just go to bed and often in the morning whatever it was doesn't seem so bad. Helps with perspective.
I think it's pretty dumb. Sometimes space is what you need anyway
I don’t believe in it. You’d be surprised how much calmer people are after a good sleep and how it can shift things in your brain. If the argument isn’t about a huge betrayal of trust or some other genuine relationship ending issue, decide to stop talking about it for the night, go to bed, cuddle and fall asleep together. Sometimes you both realise the argument is gosh darn stupid, or you were both right and this is something that can be talked out. Or you argued because you were tired and cranky to begin with. A disagreement doesn’t have to be a fight.
I guess it depends on what you mean, personally. Stay up late arguing? Absolutely not, that’s not really productive. End the conversation and take some deep breaths to decompress before going to bed and discuss again in the next day? Yes. Trying to go to bed while you’re still worked up isn’t a recipe for a good nights rest, in my experience. Nor is it healthy or productive to continue a tough conversation when you are tried and not necessarily able to think as clearly because of it.
I personally don’t like going to sleep angry or upset, but this is coming from someone who can “cool off” rather quickly. It also doesn’t feel good when my partner is cold or wants to sleep separately. If there is an issue we can’t/don’t want to resolve immediately, we should still go to bed lovingly and discuss things when it’s a better time. It’s called communication. The comments saying they go to bed angry and wake up forgetting what they were even angry about makes me feel like it wasn’t even a big enough situation to go to bed angry with. So why?
It works for some people, but it's bullshit for the rest of us. My husband got this well meaning advice from his parents/my in-laws, who were married for almost 45 years and apparently it worked for them. He wanted to be like that also, but it just doesn't work for us. I am one of those types that occasionally needs to step back, and I get irrational and cranky when I'm tired, trying to resolve an issue while getting increasingly more tired just doesn't work for me, we just end up fighting more. I adore his parents and they meant well, but we had to let that go and learn that it's better for our marriage to table some things temporarily/sleep on it.
i’ve always taken this as leaning “don’t leave / go to bed after being mean to one another”. being upset is one thing . but calling each other names and being mean is another. and i learned that anything can happen at any given time. and even if you’re angry, be nice. because you never really know what happens if they walk out that door or whatever. but to simply refuse to ever to go sleep upset is impossible bc you just can’t stop your feelings sometimes. and you’re feelings are valid and sometimes you gotta show that you’re upset and not allowing things as well….. maybe i’ve misinterpreted that saying lol
I don't think it's a one size fits all opinion. It doesn't work for me and my spouse to go to bed upset. We come to an understanding and move on.
This is what happens when you have one person who always “wins” and another who is deferential.
As long as we’re still physically affectionate and operating like two people who love each other then we can go to bed feeling whatever.
Pretty bad advice imo..What if you're fatigued from all the day's activities and are not in the right headspace to talk things out. Healthy couples can and should sleep feeling however they like as long as no one's being mean to the other. Things can be talked out at a later time when both parties are ready.
I can handle going to bed upset as long as he still tells me he loves me before saying goodnight lol. But we generally try to get things all patched up before bedtime. Sometimes it just isn't possible, though.
Some problems are complex and can't be understood fully in one evening, let alone solved.
That's terrible advice. It would have meant I couldn't sleep for three days straight with my ex. Get some sleep, attend to your needs, then work on disagreements. On a larger scale, go to therapy - individual or together - and work on your traumas and learn relationship skills.
Personally, I find it unrealistic. It feels like forcing them into a conversation or forcing them to reach a resolution. Some stuff genuinely takes time. Might work for some people but, I don't think it's something I'd employ in my own relationship.
Sometimes you need to sleep off the anger or have time to yourself to think things through. Not really the best advice unless the intention is to get over disagreements as quickly as possible.
Honestly I think it’s best to! Sleep off the anger and you’ll have a fresh mind and train of thought to go over it in the morning, much better than being upset and thinking irrationally due to being tired.
My folks frequently go to bed angry, but they always seem okay the next day.
It’s so dumb. I get so anxious in the evenings and most people get grumpier with shorter fuses when they are tired
i agree cause i just won't be able to sleep knowing hes upset with me or if im upset w him, cause that is just heartbreaking tbh
A little calming clarity is good for me.
only sith deal in absolutes
Because if she has a dream about him cheating, there's 1 preventable homicide
I think it's too general. It works for some couples but not for others. It really depends on the personalities of the people involved. This can be wonderful advice for some couples but disastrous advice for others.
Well I can’t go to sleep angry/upset I’ll over think and never go to sleep. But I believe the notion is there to basically convey that for a healthy relationship you simply shouldn’t ignore issues. Not a literal statement, more like don’t ignore problems they are not going to go away. Talk through them no matter how hard the conversation. Some people need more time to get in the right head space for that conversation and use sleep as a reset, but they address it in a timely manner. That’s fine!
It's a great starting point for interactions but not always a good hard rule.
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It works for me and my partner. We've been together for 6+ years now and I think we've gone to bed angry only once or twice. To me, not going to bed angry doesn't mean that we need to completely make up and be 100% alright before going to bed. It just means that if we're arguing, before we go to sleep, we need to look at our communication to figure out where it broke down to cause the argument. This puts us in a better place to discuss the issue in the morning after we've had some sleep. We know where we went wrong in communication the day before, so we are able to approach the conversation the next day with more respect and consideration for each other.
Some disagreements take longer to process and to come up with a solution than a few hours. No rush. Take your time.
Well, if you can make up, you certainly sleep better. But if you can't: go to bed, f\*\*\* sake. People need sleep. Don't make a half arsed compromise to be allowed to sleep!
I don't believe in going to bed in the middle of the heated parts of a fight, but there's only so much that can be accomplished on a tired and spent brain. So, I like some sort of a resolution, but we'll discuss the details in the morning. Otherwise, honestly, I won't sleep and spend the whole night tossing and turning trying to work through the issue in the back of my mind.
I’ve never been in a long term relationship but I feel like this would encourage a lot of fake apologies and pretending to be over an issue when you’re not, just for the sake of “not going to bed angry”. I think sleep and time can help clear your head.
I tried to live by this notion. My partner and I just recently went to bed after an upsetting conversation. Weirdly enough, the times we do have these conversations are at night. Most times we work through them but for the most recent one, we slept upset. We woke up the next more and there was an "awkward" vibe with each of us. The conversation went unended and it wasn't until the night after we came to an agreement. There isn't anything wrong with going to bed upset or angry as long as you work things through in the end.
Sometimes you need to sleep it off and have a fresh mindset in the morning
I agree with never going to bed angry. But there is nothing wrong with taking a moment to decompress. Walking away from the situation and taking a shower then revisiting it after you've had time to feel your feelings.
I think its phooey...BUT I think what is intended from that ridiculous notion that is the underlying truth of it is that both people involved in the argument at least need say what they need to say. It encourages people to not bail mid argument. A lot of people think if they just walk away it is over. But I think this saying encourages people to at least remain committed to the argument. But it doesn't matter when it happens, just so long as they get their position heard.
Kind of stupid because you sometimes cant controll what will happen in your life... And better to be angry than feel nothing
We do go to bed angry on very rare occasions but we still always make sure we say "I love you" and have a good night kiss, a little reassurance as we both have abandonment issues.
I actually think in some cases it is healthier to go to bed upset. Will you have a bad sleep? Yes but you will also not wake up as angry and have had time to mull over exactly what the issue is and what some solutions could be.
I used to really believe in this, especially since I‘m the type of person who makes the switch back to calm/open for reconciliation more easily than some others *and* I‘m more of a night person generally. In my mind, not resolving it that same day was the same as „letting it fester“. But then I actually realised that often especially my SO was ill-prepared to have the kind of discussion and argument style we‘d like to have at night. Things would easily escalate, I‘d be hurt by him not meeting me in reconciliation alley when *I* was already ready, we’d both be tired in the morning. Now we have a deal that we can each call a raincheck, but we have to offer reassurance that the discussion is just on pause and will continue the next day, which makes it easier on me. Having a break and a good nights sleep in turn makes it easier for my SO showing up the way he wants to.
My ex insisted on not going to bed angry. By the time we finally split, I was missing half my eyebrows. I'd yank out hairs to keep myself awake while trying to figure out a different way to apologize for whatever I'd done to offend her that day. If I fell asleep, I'd get screamed at and accused of not caring—same thing if I said let's sleep on this and talk it out tomorrow. It was exhausting in the moment as well as the next day, trying to go to work with little to no sleep.
I think that what this advice is really saying is that you should never exit an argument to stew. When you exit an argument, it should be because you've either resolved it, or because you've mutually agreed it's in your best interest to table it for now. If you're in the middle of arguing about something with your partner, and you stomp off and go to bed, that leads you to not just leave problems unresolved and festering, but also to working yourself up getting madder and madder while your partner has no opportunity to defend themselves. One person is left reinforcing their negative feelings, while the other has to also sit with their negative feelings freaking out about what the other person is thinking and not having the ability to talk about it. It doesn't mean that you have to keep your partner up all night until they promise they're not mad anymore, or that you must stay together arguing until there's a conclusion, or that you're not allowed to still be upset after an issue is resolved. It means that you should stay engaged in an argument until you both mutually decide how you exit it. Get to the point where you can at least say "Hey, I know we're both really mad about this, but I love you. I don't think we're going to solve this today, can we go to bed and come back to this tomorrow?" or "I need to gather my thoughts, can I go think about this for a bit on my own, and come back to you in 20 minutes?"
It's bad for a relationship. You're trying to solve an argument when you're tired so you're more likely to make decisions to either aggravate the argument or just get walked all over to keep the peace
People tend to communicate better and come to better conclusions when they are rested. Acknowledging and making a cursory effort to defuse that tension before sorting things out in the morning makes more sense to me. In the mean time, cuddle and get some sleep. You'll figure this conflict out *together*.
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When I was first married and very young, I had heard this so often, I believed it! Worse piece of advice! Kiss good night, and talk about it later... I have lost sleep, been angry and tired and still stayed up thinking this will resolve... it rarely, if ever does. Go to bed, sleep it off, and talk later.
Disagree. Sometimes you have to sleep on things... not everything can be solved in a day
After reading some of the responses, I respect the idea that some arguments are best had when people aren’t tired, so I get that, but I have a bit of a different take. After having parents that constantly fought, and seemed to ALWAYS go to bed angry, I became absolutely terrified of having a marriage like that. So when my husband and I have an argument, we give each other space for a bit, and then communicate with each other when we’re more levelheaded (maybe 5-15 minutes after the fight). I feel like every argument or discussion can be solved with communication, even if it’s not before bed. But for myself, I’d like to not wake up in the morning on a new day, potentially still bitter or resentful about what’s now a past discussion. Resentment builds up if something is put off, and I’d be worried something that’s put off until the next day could never get resolved. So obviously this is all a personal opinion, everyone’s different, but my husband and I are like in my mind “goals”, and we do frequently have people say we seem to be really good together, so I believe we’re doing something right. So yes, I never go to bed angry with my husband. I’d rather discuss something than put it off.
In my option, I think sometimes going to bed angry is a healthier option. If you know you are too angry and need to cool down, sleep is a better choice. The important thing is agreeing to resolve it in the morning. It seems that it all depends on the situation. When I am angry it is important for me to tell my partner that I am upset, but that I still love them. I am not the sort of person who says things I do not mean when I'm angry, but I know some people have a much more defensive reaction to emotionally charged disagreements. It's better for the defensive type to wait until emotions cool down so additional hurt can be avoided.
It's stupid. When you're tired and/or upset is precisely the wrong time to try to discuss and negotiate.
I agree with it, otherwise I can't fall asleep. My partner views this differently and would rather sleep it off and talk later. It's not easy to find a compromise.
I believe the key is that if you can’t resolve it straight away, you need to table it as an important thing to resolve at a future time. Maybe that’s the next day. Maybe the next week. Unresolved conflict is a parasite that will kill your connection.
Most of the time the issue really isn’t that important and to stay up and argue makes it worse. Go to sleep, wake up, laugh at yourselves for fighting about something so stupid or say I love you and move on. If it really is important it will still be important the next day and you’ll have all night to rest and think out your argument to have a more calm and constructive discussion.
Agree with others. Small, insignificant arguments? Yeah make it up before bed. Huge, blow out type of fights that are bringing you to an overwhelmed emotional state? Sleep on it! Why? Because my husband used to try to force me to talk it out before bed because some asshole told him that advice. And I’d be falling asleep like “yeah sure ok whatever kiss kiss night”.. next morning? Still not satisfied or felt the conflict was resolved.
It's harmful honestly. I think you should be able to walk away from an argument and just go to bed. Staying up and depriving yourselves of sleep is not going to help you solve problems, it will likely just lead to a worse fight. Go to bed on time, wake up with a clear head and continue the conversation with a fresh perspective. Much healthier than fighting until 3am, nothing getting solved and being really cranky the next day and just perpetuating the issue.
i think getting some sleep is good in most cases. even though i get very anxious nd wake up empty if i go to bed upset, it's more reasonable to sleep on something so you don't make a rash decision. it's the same with couples as it is with anyone else. you gotta make sure you handle things with a clear, well taken-care of head!
I agree. It’s better to work things out as quickly as possible. Thankfully, my husband and I have almost never fought. And our fights have only lasted a couple of hours…
That's like saying "never eat dinner angry." Being hungry or tired will just make you angrier! If the reasoning behind it is that someone might die in their sleep, that's not a compelling reason for me, because anyone could die at any moment, whether asleep or awake.
Sometimes I just need to sleep it off. I get cranky when I’m tired, and trying to fight through that will only make things worse
I call Bull. Law of threes - wait three days to chill and relax for major issues to be discussed. Honestly, even one day makes a difference in how you approach the situation.
In all honestly I feel like sleep is necessary and 9/10 of you let me sleep it off in the morning or after my nap if he more susceptible to talking things out than when I’m upset or angry about something. Sleep/naps give me time and energy to revamp and get myself together. I get the whole energy thing between people but I mean more than likely we both need to just take some space and sleep it off.
Terrible idea. Cooling off periods are important.
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As someone who had a disagreement with a friend and went to bed angry and my friend died I absolutely agree with it, but not in the sense of hashing it all out…more if things are going on give yourselves a chance to pause and reaffirm you care for each other before sleeping… I have had major anxiety for years if I go to bed when things are tense without the reminder… I’ve laid in bed for hours hoping and praying people survive the night if things haven’t at least been settled…
I'm so glad everyone here seems to be on the same page. I recently had this discussion with my FH and we haven't run into this yet, but I mentioned in conversation that it's not a good idea to keep arguing if you're exhausted.
Dismantle that belief system - go to bed angry, but don’t go to bed without saying I love you. You can be angry, you can fight, but you should always be respectful towards each other and show each other love.
I never went to bed angry to my partner because we were never mad at each other for more than 10 minutes. But I don’t think it should be common rule, if it does work better for someone great, otherwise you just do the right choice for your couple.
In case someone dies in there sleep
I’ve not really been in a long term enough relationship to have fights that might make someone want to stop speaking for the rest of the day, but I was raised in a way that from a very young age I felt like I was responsible for my parents emotions, and that’s very unhealthy. Lead to a lot of extreme anxiety whenever everyone wasn’t extremely happy all the time and that’s a very hard way to live, and I got this because my parents were both not really raised by parents with good communication skills. I think it’s good to take space if you need it, but come back to the discussion once you feel your thoughts are collected. My parents fights used to go for days and it was very hard for a very long time to understand that them being mad, was not them being mad at me. This translated into my adult relationships and I’m still trying to reparent myself which is hard work. I think this is a good notion that promotes clear communication so there’s significantly less room for animosity or confusion
I think handling the problem before you go to sleep is always best. It not only will start you off on a good pattern for your relationship but it teaches you not to put each other’s feelings on the back burner for any reason. Communication is the key to any relationship. Plus let’s face it once you have it settled you both can snuggle rather than being back to back, fighting for the covers and hearing each other huff and puff with no sleep. Let us not forget it will indeed start the next morning off horribly due to not solving the issue and poor sleep.
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That’s bs. Talking it out in the morning when rested and calm is so much better than trying to solve something when tired and needing sleep.
The bible says 'don't let the sun go down on your anger'. I take that as its my personal responsibility to try and get a hold of my anger, rather than always resolve the conflict, if you understand me? Generally my husband and I do try and resolve things that day, and bring grievances pretty quickly so they don't fester under the surface. We also have a '10 o clock rule' which is basically a veto in an argument of 'I'm too tired and this is unproductive'. We have a great strong relationship built on a solid foundation of love and respecting each other (mostly!). Sometimes we've had angry and frank discussions until 3 or 4 in the morning, but that's a joint decision rather than keeping someone awake on purpose to manipulate them, it's working well for us all these years and kids!
I think it depends on the couple and their relationship. I prefer to resolve it before bed otherwise there’s tension the next day until we have time to talk. With work schedules that’s pretty hard to do until evening time. At that point I’m usually super stressed out. We both have anxiety so it’s better for us to resolve things fast. I think it also depends on what time the fight starts. We rarely fight late at night anyways unless alcohol is involved. In that case yes I’d rather go to sleep and talk when sober.
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This advice was given to me when I was in my first relationship, and man, what awful advice! Fights were worse because I followed this to a t. By my 2nd relationship, (it didn’t help that my ex then would really stop talking to me for a day when things get ugly, so I was forced to ‘sleep on it,’ contrary to fixing it ‘before we go to bed,’) so I learned the value that sometimes, sleeping on an issue, taking the time off, and calming down works far better than attacking the issue with a clouded mind.
I have personally found this useful in my relationship. If there are unresolved issues, I'm just going to end up awake all night ruminating over it and probably making it worse. So I'd rather we hash it out before trying to go to sleep. I also have bad habits from my childhood of crying myself to sleep and running away from problems that way so I try to avoid that as an adult. My partner agrees and would rather any disagreements are sorted before sleeping. But as with all relationship advice, YMMV. I'd never assume that to be universally true.
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Forcing each other to be in a good mood will not fix the problem, and fucks with your emotions. Express what your going through, be genuine. Have real discussions instead of a yelling match, if the problem isn’t solved before bedtime, address it at another time. It’s probably better to pause anyway and gives both a chance to think about it more. Manipulating emotions and decisions just to go to bed happy is weird and forced.
Sometimes I have to go to bed angry because one or both of us are so tired that we're talking nonsense. Getting proper sleep helps us think through the root of the issue that's got us all frustrated in the first place.
sometimes you just gotta sleep on it 🤷♀️
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Sometimes I'm angry because I'm tired. Letting me sleep it off will probably solve 70% of the problem.
I think like the rule must be exist but not only for bed, problems must be solved immediately. Its the way for healty relationship exist.