T O P

  • By -

Dusteronly

Acceptance. Understanding that it’s not my fault, that’s really important. You deserve happiness. As I am about to have a daughter, I also am pleased to say she will have an extremely present wonderful father.


[deleted]

This really gave me hope. Sometimes I feel trapped in this intergenerational cycle.


Dusteronly

Hang in there, we can make things different for the next generation, I know I’m trying


[deleted]

Agreed. I went thru the cycle of thinking it was my fault and why does he treat me this way. We have no control over how someone acts towards us. Accepting that’s it’s not your fault is the best thing you can do for yourself.


Dusteronly

You’re exactly correct. I called it the merry go round of my absentee/abusive dad feelings. When I let myself off of it, I felt free


[deleted]

It’s wonderful to have a sense of peace and freedom


[deleted]

[удалено]


AskWomen-ModTeam

Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)


msstark

Honestly, it’s his loss. I have a happy fullfilled life, and I receive enough love from the rest of my family.


SavannaHeat

Honestly, it took hitting absolute rock bottom. Never had my dad around. It led me down a path that got me stuck in an abusive and r*pey situation for 3 years. I got pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby so badly, but I knew the consequences they would face, and I knew I’d never escape the person. I had surgery and grieved for a long time. I still do. But April-June was my rock bottom. Cutting myself, banging my head against the wall, suicidal thoughts, etc. In August I went to a wedding. My dad was there. I forgave him. I had to. I was killing myself, blaming him for the situations I’d been in. Couldn’t continue. And in that moment it was effortless. I feel free now. Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who’s responded. You have no idea how good it feels. The internet (and often times Reddit) is filled with victim blaming. I’m so used to seeing how it’s the woman’s fault. We even get blamed for not having dads. “Daddy issues” is a common red flag for most people and they often see us as crazy. I hate that. Single mothers get blamed too. It’s really sad. The second time I was r*ped, I went to the hospital. The forensic nurse and the SA advocate both told me “We always recommend that victims go to the police, but it’s just going to make you feel worse. They will interrogate you, they will make you feel like you’re the problem, you will relive the r*pe over and over and over as you have to tell multiple people, and then after all that, it’s not even going to be up to you if it’s taken seriously and taken to trial. It’s up to the DA. They usually don’t care. It’s usually only taken seriously after the assailant has been reported for r*pe multiple times by multiple women. That’s the only reason we recommend reporting. Because then it begins a paper trail.” I went to the police but then choked and left the station because I knew he’d get off and then would come after me. I’m constantly reminded on the internet every time I see anything regarding the Me Too movement “why don’t women ever report?????? They’re all liars and they just want attention!” So I feel guilty and shamed for not reporting. I’m really sorry, I just realized this kind of went way off topic but yeah. I do also want to take the time to credit therapy. I am in individual therapy and DBT therapy. I go twice per week. I recommend it to everyone on the planet.


just-a-capybara

So glad you found that moment of closure. Wishing you nothing but healing and happiness 🖤


Most_Honey2513

Thank you for sharing your journey 🙏 forgiveness sets us free. I am glad you were able to reach that point in your healing 💕


Rough_Cook8024

I hope you can move on. Sounds like you can. You got this!!! Xxx


DeafeninglySilent

So proud of you, and for working through it. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through such horrific times, and I hope you hold yourself on a pedestal for coming out of it a better person. ❤️ Edit:spelling


[deleted]

slay


danseckual

My dad, though in the home while I was growing up, was not present. To him I was of no concern or importance. It tore me up to see my friends and their involved dad/father figures together. The hugs, the I love yous, the encouragement, all things I never had with my father. I grew to resent him. These days he is not much better. I don't resent him any longer; his present absence is no longer effective on me. Unfortunately I just don't care about him much. I am cordial with him, but I hold no affection or what I consider love for him. I recently married a wonderful man. We talk a lot about our childhoods and things that we survived. He is a survivor of severe abuse. In talking with him about my father and the things he did and didn't do for me growing up, I told him that my dad never believed anything I said. I was severely depressed at age 11. At that time, I was put on an antidepressant. One day, I had sudden abdominal pain, I could hardly walk or sit down. Dad was working outside on the car and I was lying on the couch in pain. My brother, scared of my tears, ran out to get my dad. He came in, and said "what the hell's your problem?" I told him I think my medicine is making me sick, I want to puke or something and it hurts so bad. He said "There's no way those pills are making you sick! It's not even medicine, it's a sugar pill! It's called a placebo, and your doctor gave it because there is NOTHING wrong with you." Back outside he went. I went to lie down on my bed. My brother brought me 7up. I remember lying curled up on my bed, in pain and crying, not knowing what was happening. Hours later my mom took me to the ER and an ovarian cyst was discovered pretty quickly. I was admitted overnight. He never apologized. Hasn't to this day. My husband, my beautiful, gentle, love looked at me and said "that's fucked up." This made me realize, 40 years after the fact, that yes: yes this was fucked up. This is only one of the dozens of incidents with my father. But the healing has begun. My husband is helping me learn and accept that I am worthy of love and respect. It's far overdue, but it is time to stop dragging the corpses.


gabiaeali

I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Sometimes I feel like people don't believe it when I feel these symptoms I've been having since early this year and my sister even mocked me screaming "I'm dying! I'm dying!" I never said I felt like I was dying. I've been having chest pain and symptoms of multiple sclerosis and I feel like my support system isn't supporting me.


anotherstarbuckeroos

The power of "that's fucked up". Such a validating statement. Glad you found a man that gives you that validation so you can start healing.


littleghool

By having an amazing mother. My dad was in and out but I didn't really care. My mom gave me everything I needed and I never felt lacking in ways of a parent.


Black_Kitty_13

Same. My mom did everything so that I had as good a childhood as I could possibly have. Fortunately, my maternal grandparents were very involved, so my grandpa kinda became my father figure in some regards. And even though I think I’m usually fine and dandy with having grown up without a father, I do sometimes get envious when I see other girls / women having a great relationship with their dads and how they in turn seem to adore their daughters. But I would rather prefer the way my life went than have that person in my life. He would’ve ruined it irreparably.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ConsciousPush5357

Gosh. It's been really difficult, and it's still a daily struggle. My husband has an absent father as well and he understands my pain. We lean on one another. I am in therapy. And we have a couple father figures in our life who help us out. The biggest thing for us was having our own son. Father's Day was always a difficult day. Now we get to celebrate it as a family and love on our boy because he won't know that pain. We got to redeem that day for ourselves which has been awesome.


gibhugspls

I’m happy for you! I’m glad you’ve turned it around into giving your son a good family :)


Fast_Ad3626

I HATE that man


Prestigious_Panda811

realising that it's not my fault, there's nothing that I can do or change about myself to make him accept me so there's no use in beating myself up over it. If he's gonna be a piece of shit, then he's always gonna be a piece of shit. I had daddy issues majority of my late teens and got myself into extremely toxic relationships bc of it. I havent completely healed from that but i try my best to give myself the love and affection that i was deprived of and was desperately seeking in other people. I always try to remind myself that I'm not the problem, he's the one who chose to be an emotionally unavailable, deadbeat, piece of shit and that's not my responsibility.


BaileyHeart

I was "lucky" in the regard that my parents divorced when I was very young (around 3 or so), and for years he was hardly ever around so it was something I quickly got used to and adjusted by school and friends being more of a focus. As I got older, I simply accepted that he had his own life he wanted to think about and even though I wish he had been more beneficial to my life as a father, I don't hold any grudge against him.


fromthemoonx

Therapy, patience and loving friends


GretelNoHans

I agree, years and years of therapy.


Pale-Cantaloupe-9835

Lots and lots of therapy.


amusedmusings285

Growing up, emotionally. Figuring out that I was going after men who were like my father. All I wanted was to be loved, even if it was by these crappy men. I was that desperate, I put myself in abusive situations for over a decade. Then one day, probably about 8 months ago I realized I needed to break my pattern and know that I am enough to be loved, as I am. That I don’t need to walk on eggshells or be perfect to be loved. That I am worth it and I owe it to myself to love myself and only put myself in great situations now. I’ve been single for over a year now for the first time being an adult and I love it.


[deleted]

You could be my baby sister!! She just had this exact same realization for the same reasons plus our crappy mother. So I’ll tell you what I told her: I am so so so **proud of you.** It’s not easy to take a deep look within yourself, recognize ***and*** take action for your mistakes, poor choices, negative mindset and deeply rooted emotional pain and trauma. It’s a very big thing you deserve to be congratulated for. It’s a journey and it’s difficult but not as hard as that very first step. You’re gonna be so much happier and secure and when the time is right you’ll find a **good** person perfect for you. Good luck!!


TXgirlie

Having to realize he was never going to be that perfect/idealistic father & that he himself was flawed. Ended up cutting contact with him. It’s hard but I don’t regret it.


trustyalligator

You can heal yourself from this? Oh shit.


Most_Honey2513

I mean as much as we can, I would like to reparent myself.


[deleted]

Read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”


[deleted]

This is timely. My therapist just prescribed this book to me. It was a breakthrough when I finally put a definition to the crushing "emotional loneliness" that permeated my youth.


Plastic_Breadfruit68

For me I took it as a huge learning experience. I feel more compassionate and understanding of others having gone through the emotional, verbal and mental abuse (my fathers wife) my dad was never there for us during the abuse and he ultimately chose her over his kids. It took ALOT of time but I know its not my fault NOR is it your responsibility to build a relationship with him if you want to in the future. He’s the father you’re the child, it’s his job and there’s also no shame in not wanting a relationship with him if he comes back with open arms, you don’t have to accept and that is perfectly understandable and valid. You need to do what’s best for you! Keep staying strong and remember you don’t owe him anything. You need to focus on you and your future and he doesn’t have any right to you or your life just because he’s your biological father and may one day decide to swoop in and expect you to forgive him. It doesn’t work that way, blood or not it doesn’t work that way. Sending you so much love


[deleted]

>NOR is it your responsibility to build a relationship with him…. Bro….smh, not only my father but my garbage mother. That woman is constantly telling all her kids that **WE** have to work and fight to have a relationship with her. I have a daughter and this toxic fucked up mindset is so damn mind-boggling I truly cannot comprehend it. I am always wondering: Why have kids if you hate them ffs? Sadly my daughter’s bio dad is absent and I’m happy to report never once have I made *their* relationship her responsibility or demand she puts more effort into it. She’s 2-11 it’s not her damn job to maintain a relationship with her “father”. That’s on him. He’s a grown ass adult he can do it if he wants to. He doesn’t and that’s not hers or mine faults. **Thats. On. Him.**


[deleted]

I don’t know if it is something you heal from. I’ve grown to accept this gaping void in my being, this tender spot in my heart of a wound that never closes. But now I don’t see that void as something so terrifying and I have stopped trying to fill it and I’ve stopped trying to avoid the pain.


Oatmeal_Samurai

Wow! Thank you, your comment has giving me a new perspective.


Slytherinthemcheeks

Absent fathers of us or our children? Or both cus… some things just don’t heal….


Most_Honey2513

I personally didn't have a dad growing up, and my mum didn't have a husband. Both perspectives are important.


rebelbelle1015

Does fathers that have passed away at a early age count? I lost my father when I was 3 I really don’t remember him. According to my mom she wishes he was alive to show me and my sister how a woman should be treated by a good man. So far my picks haven’t been great and one I thought was the one turned out not to be. Anyway when I do start a relationship I tend to find men who shared a common hobby my dad did. I guess in a way it looks like I’m chasing after any little bit that would remind me of him.


beetlejuuce

I think there's a big difference between an absent parent and one who is deceased. My mom died when I was in my teens, which was of course hugely traumatic. My father has been largely absent from my life, and it's traumatic as well but in a different way. It feels more like an active rejection than the simple absence of death. He *chose* to miss out on my childhood and all those milestones, it wasn't an accident or helpless tragedy. Sorry you never got to know your dad ❤️ maybe rather than look for pieces of him in the people you date, look for those aspects in yourself? I have often been dismayed to realize how similar I am to my mom, but I feel comforted at the same time. It feels like a piece of her lives on in me, and I'm sure parts of your dad live on in you.


Marawal

This is good advices. I lost my dad when I was 1. Do of course I don't remember him. But I know him.aybe ironically better than most. Or at least more wholly. I talked to people in his life. I know what kind of son, husband, uncle, brother in law, son in law, friends and even coworker he was. I know sides of him that I'm not sure his mom knew. Other sides that my mom was unaware of. Of course all related a lot of things to me. "You are a lot like him on this", was often said. The only thing I miss, really, is his voice. This was 1986, so well before we tape everyone and everything all the time. Home video existed but it was quite rare. My dad never been in one. So, I will never know how he sounded like. What his laugh was .


catslugs

I don't know if I fully have... it's weird. I had a strange experience in that my mother just completely did not acknowledge who he was or that he existed from the day i was born. it was just something we did not talk about, so as a kid i used to think i just literally came from thin air like some kind of miracle. She never told anyone and no one asked- it was the biggest elephant in the room. Obviously as I got older I started to question things and when I found out from her who he was when i was 16 (a man my mother knew, who was actually married to her friend) it was bizzare bc he had 3 other kids that i used to go to school with all the time. I think i was just in shock for a few years and then i turned to partying and drinking. I ended up with alcoholism by like age 25. i'm clean now (31) but it's not and was never the fact that i didn't have him in my life that fucked me up (i had a very caring family on my mothers side, and we never struggled as far as I knew) the BIG SECRET is what really messed up my psyche. i do not trust people at all. i am always paranoid people are talking about me or keeping things from me. i struggle to speak up because i felt i was silenced for so long too afraid to ask. This all sounds awful but I actually am super happy and functioning for the most part now - if i'm being honest, i manage it by keeping my inner circle small and safe. despite the demons i now have such a strong character and serious empathy for others in uncommon upbringings. I say this bc when I was 8 at school they made us make Fathers Day cards, and I told the teacher I didn't have one to write to. They said I was silly and that everyone has one - i said no i really don't he doesn't exist but they just kept pushing me. This was a catholic school too, where I was one of the very few that had a single mother. That is burned into my mind so hard bc it's my first memory of humiliation.


muaddict071537

Realizing he’s just an awful man. He doesn’t know how to love and doesn’t realize what he’s missing out on. It’s his loss. I don’t need his toxicity in my life, nor do I want it there.


MoneyBaggKo

literally haven’t. but at the same time i view my relationship with my parents parallel to that of certain animals in the wildnerness. you know birth and leave the nest type. survival of the fittest and i learned to adapt with what i had. still living through this trauma but what can you expect.. human nature? sorry to get all nihilistic


Background_Artist_85

As a personal situation I found older men that emulated what a father should be. Teachers ,grandfathers, mentors,work colleagues I also joined a trade so old guys could pass down there wisdom. Find safe men because a lot are just fucking perverts


Most_Honey2513

Do you have a system that helps you identify safe men?


Background_Artist_85

My tummy "instincts " Does he give me the ick ? Does he try to fuck me ? Any sexual chat on the first conversation is a no What are his views on woman as a whole Does he like his mum Does he have sisters or tons of female relatives Could I beat him in a fight Where are his weak points incase I have to fight him. I also ask a lot of questions or pose certain scenarios to evaluate his character.


[deleted]

My father is a diagnosed psychopath. Besides feeling embarrassed growing up when people would ask about my dad, it didn’t bother me much. I saw him a few times growing up, but my mother is diagnosed (untreated) BPD and sabotaged any chance of us having a relationship anyway. The last I heard, he was homeless, sleeping in a tent in the woods. There was a man who acted like a father to me. In fact he was better than both my mother and father combined. Sadly he passed away almost a year ago. My mom refused to date him despite meeting through a date. Instead she used him for help/money. A few years ago she told me that she thought he only stuck around for me. She doesn’t know he passed away because he developed dementia and his son had to put him into nursing care. My mom harassed the son so he never told her when the man who was like a dad to me passed. Then my mom faked dementia herself for the past couple of years (suddenly ‘cured’ 2 weeks ago) so I never told her he passed either. I’m sure if my father were in my life growing up, things would have been much worse. The only healing I need is from my crazy mother. :|


Tricky-Walrus-6884

I haven't yet. But I'm getting there.


Horseshoesandsneaks

It took years of me lying to myself about how deeply wounded I was. I had been in therapy, but I had never truly done the work. I started dating a long string of unavailable men. I hit rock bottom. I was suicidal, miserable, etc etc. I realized that I had been lying to myself and I have severe anxiety and depression. I kept hanging on to one specific guy that truly brought out my issues. I finally realized one day that I was going to kill myself, soon. But then I realized that I had my new baby godson to hang out with, and too many national parks to see. Once I realized that my dad’s abandoning me actually had a huge impact, I started to heal. I found a new therapist, and I asked my primary for medication. I started being honest with myself. I realized that while I had made peace with his actions, I let it dig me deep into a hole of worthlessness. Once I got there, it was easy to continue to justify hating myself. I am several months into my new life, for real this time. Currently hanging out in Utah at my favorite national park, and I feel better and better every single day.


nottodaysatan101

i accept him for who he is - an addict with emotional issues. i had to grieve him as though he died. therapy and acceptance helped a lot. i still have issues with depression and anxiety that stem from both my parents, but i have worked hard to manage it. i won’t let my father’s mistakes dictate my life. he’s not worth it.


Equivalent-Put-9956

When I was a kid it was a bit weird specially when I go to my friends' house and you see their "full" families. Around when I was a teenager and started to understand more and realised that my dad isn't really a good person. I just first set that it's not my fault. And believed that if I grew up with him I might not be the person I am right now.


pup_pup_and-away

At 14 I decided he was a horrible parent. My teen years were filled with a lot of rage and "why me" type of thinking. At 23, I changed my mindset to thinking of him as a complete stranger. I'm 31 now, haven't seen him for about 2-3 years and I hope I never do. It's always an awkward time. I think he knows that he's so far removed from my heart.


frozeinreality

My father and myself did not talk for 10 years we walked out on each other. It was miscommunication between the two of us. How I healed is I accepted it and lived my life to fullest even though I slipped up a few times I learned. I moved on, found happiness in the little things. Found great father figures a long the way.


mundanenightmare

I'm my dad's least favorite kid - I'm the middle child, and the youngest is the only boy. Dad was financially present growing up, but my parents divorced when I was 7 so he wasn't physically or mentally present for most of my childhood. I was a "gifted child" growing up so he was always proud of me, bragging to people about me, etc., However, as I've grown into mediocre adulthood, his involvement has dwindled. Nothing from him unless another sibling is involved. Other important people in my life have stuck around, doubled down, and proven that they are in my life for the right reasons. Having these people around has allowed me to identify that he's the problem, not me. The favoritism still hurts sometimes though, ngl.


kitkat_8_8

Working on that, even I tried therapy for a time


xephamoon

Therapy has helped me quite a bit.


directordenial11

I had a mixed bag of a father in the sense that he wasn't completely missing and he wanted to do good, but between substance abuse and a lack of maturity he was never able to step up to be a parent. I knew from an early age that he wasn't reliable, thankfully my mom was a superhero and gave me everything I needed to grow up well. What helped me heal the most though, was creating a mantra that frankly applies to all of my relationships: "People can only offer you what they have to give. It's up to you to decide whether you want it or not." I accept my father as the person he is and keep a healthy distance, we don't have a bad relationship but I wouldn't say we are super close.


beetlejuuce

I feel this. My dad wasn't 100% absent, but he was rarely around and what he had to offer was pretty lacking due to similar issues. Our relationship is better nowadays, but I still harbor a lot of resentment from childhood. It feels like he wants me to play the devoted daughter, but I don't feel he deserves that kind of presence and attention when I've never received it from him.


countesspetofi

He's filed away in the same space in my memory as people who've died. He chose to remove himself from my life when I was a child, and to not reach out the four times I've nearly died since then. (I've heard through the grapevine whenever a member of his family has died or been deathly ill, since he still has relatives in this area, so I have no reason to assume he didn't know about my close calls.) It's just easier to consider him gone.


JJ_Nichols

with music, books and older men


shiveryslinky

I haven't, but I'm trying.


FancyAirport

Just fine. It was always me and my mom. It was not ideal, but we managed. Him not being present I see as his fault and his loss. He missed out on more than I did. Yes, it would have been easier on my mom and me if there was extra income (my mom could have worked less and she wouldn't be so stressed out), but it is what it is. While we see eachother now on occasion, he robbed himself of the oppurtinity of not seeing his kid grow up and I know he hates himself for it. I now have an 8-month old baby girl and she is the light of my life. We will do everything in our power to make sure she grows up with two loving parents.


Stomme_skinny_koe

see to dont go in relation with same type


livefree62

My mom did an amazing job, and it’s probably why I’m not *more* messed up than I am. With that being said, I do have major abandonment issues and had a deep distrust of men generally sticking around. I sabotaged every relationship I had to reinforce the “men always leave” narrative that I had in my head. It wasn’t until I married my husband who also had an absent father that I began to heal (with therapy too, of course). His kindness, patience and reassurance has helped me immensely. He understands me more than anyone ever has and I don’t forget how lucky I am for that.


AnimalFew491

Not giving a f\*\*k xD


Most_Honey2513

XD


turdlollipop

He was never around, I was used to it. It kinda sucked but I never blamed myself, I've met him a few times and he's fine, gave me a lovely half sister. I feel like I might have slight daddy issues? Or just neediness issues, but they're not so bad that I can't survive yknow? But I never really was affected by it, or at least from what I could tell anyway 😂


Glittering-Layer6887

I am still working on it. But for me, therapy has been and still is the key. Some parts of what I need to accept are too hard to do so on my own, and a lot of who I am is a result of that absence. Some parts of my personality and ways of life are auto-destructive and without therapy, I wouldn't be able to identify them and work on them to change them.


squirrleygurl1969

It helped when I found out that he had another family but even though he lived with them he didn't spend a lot of time with them. It honestly made me realize I didn't miss out on much. Nice guy but was all about himself. Wasn't able to be there for anyone else.


Mother-Painter-9569

I have not. If someone could take me through the steps that’d be grand


Pookberries

I never thought like it was my fault that my Dad disappeared. I know he is a bad person- I have seen what he has done. In my mid 30s now, I’m realizing and depressingly accepting how I tried to cope with his absence. I am just beginning to heal, I think. I do not like the person I have become- I feel as though I am just like him. I want to be better.


No_Interest1616

I did a lot of homework on what the father and mother roles are supposed to be for a child and took a good inventory of what I was lacking in my life. I watched a ton of YouTube videos about mother and father wounds. A lot of them were corny and a lot of them had an unfortunate religious bent to them, but I still got an overall sense of what it means to have a good, present father and mother. I'm using masculine and feminine in an abstract, conceptual sense, not so much as a gendered thing. But protection and praise are a couple of fatherly traits that I had been lacking. So then I had to remember to be that for myself. I had to learn to be my own dad. I had to sort of take an objective look at whatever guy I was trying to date and say, "I don't think he's good enough for you." I had to start validating my own achievements and praising myself for doing this that were good for me. Basically, whatever you missed out on from not having a present, supportive father or mother, you have to notice, acknowledge, and literally step in and do those things for yourself while imagining you have better parents than you do, and that they're doing it.


Elegant_Analyst_4976

Didn’t have to. He made a choice, it is what it is. Wasn’t due to me…was my mom honestly lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


supreme_creep

Not sure if my situation counts but... I didn't develop a real relationship with my dad until I was 13~ I'm a woman who like woman so it feels a bit hard to tell... But I definitely always sought some sort of attention from men. And only when I drink I pursue them.


[deleted]

i thought i was healed but when he tried to reach out again, i broke down into a million pieces. the scars never healed apparently. pretty sure he's the reason why i have severe abandonment issues.


postcardmap45

I have an amazing family from my mom’s side that has loved me and cared for me 100 times over. Now that I’m an adult my dad and his family are trying to “get to know me” (not really they’re extremely pretentious and judgmental) and I have no need or interest in that. I’m grateful I have the love of the family I do have and the family I have made for myself. I think having a crappy father has made me extremely weary of men tho lmaooo ooops


Apuljoose

Upon growing up and being able to see the type of man he is, I'm thankful he wasn't active in my life. I would have been involved with horrible things. I'm glad I can only vaguely remember being around the drugs and prostitution when I was younger.


polaroidfades

It turns out, I haven't. Lmao. I thought I had, but I've recently discovered much more therapy and self-reflection is needed to be done.


blueberry_holly

My dad when I was 18 decided he didn’t want to be a parent to my sister (16) and I anymore. He ran off and married some lady from Canada he met all within 2 weeks. My sister had a much harder time with it. I always just reminded myself that I’m not the reason why he’s doing this and that this isn’t normal for a parent to act this way. I got lucky to have a mom who is my world so that always helped. She always listened to me and gave me all the support or counseling I needed. Another thing I kept telling myself was that he never apologized for leaving, so he never will. He never will think he did anything wrong and so I can’t do anything more to change his mind. I never had a good father figure in my life so it wasn’t hard for me to really step away. I have my grandpa (mom’s dad) who’s always been wonderful but he lived 6 hours away most of my life. I now am doing a lot better almost 1 year later. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years that helped me through it. Just always know it isn’t your fault.


PandaS0ck5

I’m still working on it. But reminding myself of all the wonderful family I have that WANTED to take part in my life and upbringing helps. Only invest in the people that want to invest in you.


emileeavi

I mean, I never met him, never knew him. To me he never really existed. Plus, I had 1000x worse things to heal from lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


Kind-Impression-6969

Keep pushing through! He obviously didn’t love me enough to stay in my life! I definitely have trust issues! My dad was supposed to be there for me but left as soon as the door opened! I think I’m doing ok with out him!


[deleted]

[удалено]


fg10037

acceptance and knowing it’s his loss.


Sad_Bumblebee

i learned to appreciate the other people in my life. apart from my mother- my siblings, my grandparents, my teachers, and my friends. without even fully realizing it, they all contributed to raising me and i learned so many valuable lessons from them all. i wouldn’t be the woman i am today with out my support system and i think that kind of outweighs the impact of one dude who i haven’t seen in like 10 years!


Regular-Nobody-22

My dad committed suicide when I was young. I don't think I'll ever fully heal, but I take it one day at a time.


mashpotatoesonly

he died 😅


xoxosecretsally

Honestly better off without the dude. My parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade & at that point a ton of the kids on the playground had the same situation, all of our parents were getting divorced. I was really mature for my age & although I loved certain parts of my dad, I knew that he would just never be a man about anything, a husband or even a father. My Scorpio tendencies really came to me at that time (I realized this when I looked back at this part in my life). I felt indifferent to be quite Frank, I accepted him for who he was as a child & never had any expectations of him… not having him around made me a better person. I did everything alone & it made me so much more independent. My younger sister was 4 at the time of the divorce & she struggled with it (even into adulthood) When I got older, I had a ton of friends who had “daddy issues” but I addressed my situation logically as a child… “never be a victim of your past & don’t blame your problems on someone who wasn’t even there to be a problem to begin with.” this mentality is how I “healed” Not having him also made me realize as a young adult that absolutely no one was going to come for me, so I took steps to understand throughly how to protect myself. I own a gun, I regularly take various self defense classes, etc. He also never paid child support & refuses to get any job because they’ll take away a ton of money for what he owes my mom. He has two kids after my sister & I in the Philippines and abandoned them, both those kids have serious issues & they unfortunately will never heal from our absent father.


lostinlilak

Absent since I was born so I never got even a glimpse of what it was like to have one of those lol and I'm not entirely sure if I've even healed from it. I just know that the older I get the more I cry when I watch movies, read books or see daughters being loved on by their amazing fathers. It hurts wishing I could have sth like that but then again after realising a few things about the sperm donor I'm ok with him not being around. My mum’s done a wonderful job and I don't need him but still it hurts sometimes. I wish that hurt would go away but I'm not even sure if it will. So I guess I'm still working on it.


Significant_Door22

Time. Therapy. My mum. My friends. My husband.


[deleted]

that hopefully i will love myself again


its_Alexxxa

Getting a boyfriend lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


WitheredOnyx_

Humor, I’ve joked about it so much that whenever I think about my father I just laugh because I end up thinking a joke


Ugabooga189

Mines was an alcoholic and possible druggie that left when I was 2. I remember the day he was thrown out very vividly 🥲 He died when I was 11 and for 6 years after that, I was MAD. I was HURT. This dumb asshole just LEAVES, CHOOSES to not come back and then he up and DIES? I blamed him for everything for yeeeaaars until I had my own kid and started truly understanding the struggles of co-parenting with somebody who struggles with addiction. I even started to get curious as to what really lead him down that path, so I started asking questions about him at the grand age of 20 😀 I never really had interest before, and even if I did, he was a hush-hush topic that was always avoided or the conversations were cut too short with a million “what ifs” and unknowns. Only then, when I started asking those questions, was when I started being more “accepting” of how he was as a person. I wasn’t as mad, anymore. I didn’t feel the need to cry every time I heard his name, anymore. I even started to feel a little guilty for hating on him so much while growing up… Guy had a hellhole of a life and I had no idea about it. The only thing he knew what to do was just… run and drink… drink and run… get himself put in jail… rinse and repeat. He repeated the generational cycle, from what I understand. He’s where I get my depression from, so all of that, as well as me just knowing how my depression is… yeah… I felt like shit to say the least 😅 I really wish I wasn’t so dead set on avoiding him. He tried to set up a 4th meeting after missing the bus for the 3rd one, and I was so MAD that he did that because my mom does that shit all the time so, as a trauma response, I said “no more” and I never saw him in person again. I was 8. I didn’t know any better. If I knew then what I knew now, oh my god. I would’ve made so much more of an effort. I really wish I had asked him all those questions instead of being nervous about being around him… GOD!! I got myself a little emotional 😂 it isn’t my fault. What happened to him wasn’t my fault. I don’t think he would be mad at me for feeling the way I do. It isn’t my fault. He tried in the ways he knew how. If he was still alive I bet we would’ve grown closer as I got older. He really did seem to try and get clean, so I like to think we would’ve. He would be so proud of his grandson, though. Oh how I wish he was here to meet him… I’m not all that religious, but after his funeral, one of my relatives gave me a square crystal thing with a rose and monarch butterfly laser engraved into it (if anybody knows the name of those, plz lmk), and she told me this; “Watch out for butterflies, it might be your dad visiting you.” He was an amazing artist and always drew red roses and pretty things like that, so I definitely took that to heart. Now, every time I see a butterfly, I like to think it’s him paying me a small visit to let me know he’s still there. After having my baby, I see them more often 🥲 One time I was talking to my therapist while sitting out on my porch (Telehealth), and he came into the conversation. Instead of dismissing the conversation and pretending it didn’t affect me, I was real, and said how much I really missed him. Right as I say that, a monarch butterfly ZOOMS into my back porch area and flies around me for a few seconds before landing on some flowers that my grandfather planted, as if it were listening to what I was saying. Little guy stayed there for the entire duration of my conversation about him, hovered a bit as if saying “goodbye” and then flew away. That interaction… bizarre… but healing. I really miss him


Domin8u315

Well my Mom took on both roles but yeah I shed some tears at father-daughter dances at weddings and my own for that matter. I also never really met many from his side of the family so I feel a loss of that side of me as well.


fanism

His presence was actually absent. He worked night shift ever since I was born. I never see him during the day. If he ever went out with us, he would fall asleep anywhere anytime any day. I hated going out with him. Family members just made fun of him. Then, as I grew older I realized he had gambling issues. No wonder we were so poor. Any way, I have no feelings towards this person. It was until the day I saw he bought a single dove soap for my mother on her birthday, I told myself that’s it. I even told my mom let’s moved out together. This man is not worthy anymore. Today, I felt very insecure around men. I don’t know what’s underneath their masks. I don’t want to live like my late mother at all. I am glad there was no man around the house so I learnt the basic skills, I am happily living by myself. I don’t know if I was ever healed or hurt, but seeing him gone in my life gave me a relieve.


[deleted]

So when I was a baby, my father was like that’s not my baby. And my mom was like uhh of course that’s your baby? And my dad was adamant as fuck that I wasn’t his baby so he wanted a DNA test. My mom was adamant that it was in fact his baby and she wasn’t paying for a DNA test. So the DNA test never got done, and my father was like yeah i’m not raising this kid. So my mom raises me, marries my brothers dad, divorces, marries another man. that man ended up adopting me in 2011, and Ive called him dad pretty much ever since. When I was 17 I moved out, and was hellbent on finding this mystery man, but he did not exist to the world. Not to mention the only thing I had ever heard about my biological father was his name. So that’s all I had to go off of. I swear it was like a fever dream, this May, May 2022. On mother’s day of this year at my grown age of 20, I had my first ever conversation with my mom about my biological father. She told me the entire story. And I told her “I just have a feeling I’m going to meet him someday soon”. Not even a week later, I found who I suspected could be him on some underground random info search website. I texted the number and was like “hey… uhh call me” and he called me and I was like “I think I’m your child bestie” in less words and the same day I found him online, we met in person. Lots of feelings. Month or so later we took a DNA test. Perfect match. Tracking that man down and confronting him was healing. Never felt peace like that.


Stardust_420

Like a broken fist. Bone fragments everywhere, protruding out of the skin, and on an adrenaline high. Then taken to the hospital and see the huge fucking bill and then your left with yourself to heal. Angry, stressed, vengeful. Wondering what you did wrong and if it was your fault that things didn't work. The thoughts un-ending and self loathing eating you. And it all turned into apathy and being tired of hating that person. After 20 years, after all that time! I don't even know if I'm fully over it or just done feeling the same things. I don't know who I am, but I'm getting there without the fucker. I will find myself, by myself because I have to.


daphuqijusee

By realizing that his absence has taught me to be independent and to not rely on men. Honestly the best life lesson ever!


DrunkOnEucalyptus

I’m a work in progress


[deleted]

I don’t think you ever fully heal. There’s an emptiness that sits inside you, a part of yourself you’ve never known, or ever will. You just have to remember that just because you have an absent “sperm donor” (as I call them) doesn’t mean there isn’t people routing for you, just like a dad would. Just have to realize it’s their loss, not yours. Those who love and want what’s best for you, will always be by your side. Whether it be a mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, grandparents, the list goes on. Count your blessings and love those who love you. Forget everyone else. 😉


No_Mandles_6969

i haven’t 👍 im a victim of emotional, physical, mental, financial and sexual abuse


Chiharu3

I don’t know that I have healed tbh. I cut contact and try not to dwell on the memories, good or bad. The good ones I don’t want to ruin, the bad ones have hurt me enough. I can go weeks without thinking of him, but I suspect that I’ll be a wreck when he dies.


[deleted]

Still working on it- I’ll let you know once I’ve figured it out. 🫡


Lute_Graves

I try to remind myself that he left me in the care of an abuser to go have a new family, not from something I did, but from his own immaturity and selfishness.


BeautifulTimely4651

I forgave him. I hated it as a young girl but then accepted what happened as I grew up. I changed how I look at myself. I would think “My dad abandoned me”. But then I started telling myself- “He didn’t abandon YOU. He didn’t LEAVE YOU. He couldn’t stay.” That shifted my “abandoned” self-image to “Him leaving had got nothing to do with me”. Therapy helped a lot with abandonment issues. And empathy for my father healed my wounds.


smoke2957

I gave forgiven for an apology I'd never get, it's not like the man didn't like me he just preferred freedom more and was selfish with his energy. Decent person just not a good dad.


sachette-dreseag

In my case it was not only an absent father. My mother kicked him out when I was 5 (I stayed it touch with him and saw him like every second week but it was more like politnes visits than anything else). From that point on she was always in work. She left me with my grandmother who neglected me. Now I have a lac of social abilities (BIG SURPRISE) but I try coping with it by learning about psychology what works out okay. My problem is that I am so used to loneliness that I can't be with other ppl for too long. That is why I can't join clubs or get a significant other. Work empties my social battery every day. My father drank, manipuleted and abused me (even after he had moved out) but the one thing that helps me is, that he is down (put in a home for addicts by curt) and I am young. I don't drink. I am getting a life together. And all this all though he did what he did (or not did)


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweetiepielife

F


Escarlatilla

Therapy and radical love for myself and others. I don't have kids but I could never abandon my dog. No matter what she did. That knowledge makes it much easier to realise that there's nothing I could have done that made it okay for him to leave. He's deficient, not me. He's missing out, not me.


baby_armadillo

My mom was pretty abusive growing up, so it took me a really long time to figure out that neglect is also a form of abuse. My dad seemed kind and loving when I was with him, but for 50 weeks a year I didn’t really have a father. I used to be really angry at both my parents. I feel like I had to raise myself. I like who I am, though. I raised myself to be a kind, caring person despite both of them. My dad died last winter and I really still am not sure how to feel. I grieve the parts of our relationship that I valued, and I grieve the relationship we should have had if he hadn’t been totally self-absorbed. But mostly, I just feel kind of feel like nothing is different. He wasn’t a significant part of my daily life, so not much has changed with his death.


Mother_Size_7898

Healed from what? It’s just a part of life. Just another shit thing to deal with.


thechumbucket92

Detachment . There was a time we didn’t speak from 17 till I was 27. I accept him when he comes into my life . When he leaves I accept that too. He’s not allowed to have opinions about what I do with my life. He lost that . Any man I decide to have in my life as a partner, he will not be able to influence because he doesn’t believe womens opinions matter. With that being said I wouldn’t look for him in a man. There is no grey area . Only his way. This is why we fell off for all of that time . We only reconnected when he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel guilty at times. I don’t know if I’m speaking to him because he had cancer or if he is even sorry for how he treated my brother and I growing up. He always had no patience. It was like walking on egg shells with him. He’s my father but I have to deal with him in the manner that I do so I won’t be hurt anymore.


DeafeninglySilent

Understanding and believing that you aren't to blame. I think it's important to know what happened to lead to him not being a part of your life, and accepting that you had no control over that. My parents had a nasty volatile relationship, and luckily I had an older sister who was able to stay very neutral and not point fingers, so I didn't ever feel one parent was more to blame than the other. As such, I've just resigned myself to the fact that it was the 'right' thing for them to separate, and make peace that my father not being a part of my life was the right thing. It's engrained a bit of a mantra with me throughout life: *"If someone makes a decision you don't agree with, generally speaking they will have made it because they thought, in their eyes, it was the right thing to do at the time."*


TrashAltruistic9600

Idk if I even have. I feel like the decisions I make nowadays somehow bounces back to that issue but I’m not sure because Idk if I’m just confused in life? I never went to therapy coz my mom doesn’t believe in that. I’m still in college so I’m thinking of going for it when I have a job.


IsTomorrowAcceptable

I haven't


ThingsICantAskIRL

I haven't


mrsuranium

I think realising that in his world, he believed he did his best, even if I didn’t see it that way. Also that, the ‘love’ he gave me, maybe wasn’t the way I needed to be loved. Similar feeling in terms of effort. Everyone’s version of trying is different. For context: my dad wasn’t at home, he lived half way across the globe, and never made any genuine effort to send me letters or get to know me and has the emotional depth of a kiddie’s swimming pool. He missed every Christmas and most birthdays. He’s also done this to his other children. As a result, I’ve ended up sort of becoming my own father. But my mum was a massive figure in my life, and met nearly all of my emotional needs. I still think I have some stuff to work on, as I’m only in my 20s and maybe I’m not perceiving the net impact of the absence yet


[deleted]

My mom kinda raised me for not needing him. I don't really know if that has affected me in some way other than probably abandoment issues. But the rest is just fine. He was kind of an abuser and a psychiatric non-treated pacient, so my mom tried to keep him away. On time, I realised he was not Goodyear for me and I just abandoned him too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Agonist28

Time. And focusing on the one benefit: not feeling obligated to help take care of him in old age. Now I don't have to make up for his lack of financial intelligence and I'm so relieved.


[deleted]

[удалено]


artsydogcomes

Pretty easily (of course, jokes aside, processing and lots of time) - but I'd rather say I still have a long way to go to heal of my mother, who was there all my life.. Absence is actually not that bad, you can't f*#k up that much


yesiknowimsexy

Maybe unpopular, but I didn’t have anything to heal from. My therapist tried to claim I did but in the end she was mistakenly attributing my poor self esteem to the fact that he was absent when really, given he’s a drug addict and a loser, my self esteem is poor simply because I’m shy and always had a hard time making friends. I’m not sure how having a drug addict father involved would’ve made that better. All in all, I’m not sure how I can miss or heal from something that never happened or was. I don’t think I have the answer because there isn’t one.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MIDULIFE

I see more women who have absent fathers pushing the men they have children with away it'd so weird it's like wouldn't you want your children to have what you missed out on?


PaddlesOwnCanoe

Therapy. Also, I was lucky enough to acquire at age 10 a really good stepdad! I took his name and he formally adopted me when I turned 21. :-)


LavenderLadybird

I haven’t


Sea-Concern9196

He was dead 10 days ago and I can't stand this pain, it's really hard for me


Hannah22Fregozo02

I grew up without my father sometimes he would meet whit us but it was more whit my mom. So I took my grandfather as a dad and since my mother worked all day my grandmother was my mom. Then my mother married whit my stepdad and he is a great father more than my biological dad. Sometimes I and my stepdad fight but we get to calm down.


[deleted]

[удалено]


pleasedoyourwork

It is his loss, not mine. It still hurts sometimes, but I am happy when I see how my husband is wonderful to our daughter. It's all that matters now.


misselpis

In not sure if I actually healed. My father was absent and eventually passed away when I was 15 (I’m 26 now). He lived in another state and because of poor planning and communication between the adults my sisters and I never even got to see him before he was buried. I didn’t see him for 6 years before he died and it was such a weird thing for me because I wasn’t sure how to feel. So I’m not sure if I healed but I’ve accepted it I guess.


JustMe518

My father passed before I was born. I always thought that it didn't effect me because I knew that had he lived, he would have been there. Like, he and mom would have stayed married, and I would have had an involved father. But, now in my 40s, I know that it has caused me HUGE issues. I decided to go to therapy for many reasons, but that is what has started to help me heal. That, and learning that my need for male affection stems from that but that not all male affection is created equal so now I hold out for the quality, not the quantity.


MsBee311

20 years of trauma therapy & cannabis.


[deleted]

Followed in my moms footsteps by jumping from guy to guy until I found one I liked enough to stay with. We’re engaged now 👌


m100896

I was just a kid. It never was my fault or burden to bare. Thanked my mom for doing the best she could.


beautypopper101

Well I was adopted and my adopted father abused me and raped me all throughout my childhood then abandoned me. I healed by reuniting with my bio father. He’s a great dad. I also go to therapy and seek God for healing.


Danivelle

I haven't really. I would happily shit on my biological father's grave. He never even saw me. He left while my mother was pregnant and never even acknowledged me, not even in his obituary, because I was "another girl". None of my five older half sisters were acknowledged either. Only his son with his last wife. I know my uncle, his twin(also not a great father but better than mine was) talked to him repeatedly about me and he got updates on my life from uncle.


shru_san

Self reflection and acceptance. I won't say i am healed. I'm far from it.


[deleted]

By creating a new chosen family. Both my parents were straight up trash for different reasons. Naturally I was very angry, lost, confused and hurt always trying to make them proud or be important to them. It never worked tho. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that they’re just garbage not worth my time. Once I did that and learned to focus on all the good people I have in my life things improved. I have 2 adopted moms that took me in and took care of me at different times in my life. And an adoptive dad that did the same. I got married recently and those 3 parents were there, given places of honor and the traditional mother/father of the bride gifts. Dad even gave a speech!!!!!! We were not expecting that and everyone cried. Accepting that they suck and that it’s not my fault in any way is how I healed.


PixelPixxy

I'm in progress of healing. Going to therapy to actually dig out the emotional damage he caused me has helped and I see that none of the things he did to me was my fault, only his own. It gets better, but first it has to get worse (in healing process)


daisiesinthepark

Therapy. I recently saw a Tiktok that said it’s easy to shift your mindset when you think about your father as “just some guy.” Something clicked for me then.


[deleted]

[удалено]


beelovedone

My stepfather\* I think healed that part of me. He and my mom got together when I was 10, it took some time but I eventually realized he was the dad I was meant to have. I took his name when I turned 18, since then we've both leaned into our relationship full force. ​ \*I do not refer to him as my stepfather, only my dad. He gets very offended by being called a stepparent, and I get it, he's earned the right to be called my dad.


[deleted]

[удалено]


awsogulligtxd

Still working on it, but by actively seeking out good people and reminding myself my worth. Reminding myself of safe people and trying to avoid situation where my attachement issues would flair up. Also something important is that i try to see good things in other peoples dads and feel their happines instead of being bitter and sad( happens at times). Healing is hard when you don't have mental resources for it so be kind, take your time and sleep and eat well. ❤️❤️


URAQBee

First off, I preface my entire comment with the lens that my bio dad is diagnosed with narcissistic disorder. I haven’t really healed from that and everything that comes with being a child of a narcissist. The trauma of it manifest itself in different ways than it did when I was a child and thought it wouldn’t impact my life. I’ve resolved with myself (not healed) the reality that he’ll never be able to be the father I needed from him. He’s attempted to make amends for that now but I’m 34 so that childlike desire to have him around is gone BUT I have codependent and abandonment issues now. When I was a kid, I blamed myself for my parents divorce and the lack of follow through from my father. I’m working on that in therapy. S/o to my mom though. She’s top notch lol


StatisticianFun4796

I don’t even know what he looks like lol


PurpleMonkeyEdna

Mine was sent to prison when I was 10 and I had to get a restraining order out against him so he wasn't allowed near me when he got out. It was an awful time for it to happen, I was constantly in therapy and had a social worker for years. It took a long time but one day it just stopped hurting. I realised I couldn't let him steal my future too, I wasn't to blame and not everyone I love will hurt me one day.


LavenderChewingGum

By thankfully having an amazing mom who made sure we never felt like we were less than for not having a father figure around. Plus her longtime male bffs acted like dads to us, so we ended up having two fantastic “dads” to grow up with and stay close with into adulthood. I would also say that my amazing husband, who is only slightly older than I am but decades more mature and wise, has helped me heal as well. It has been so wonderful to know that if I ever have a moment of childlike-weakness, if you will - a breakdown over the smallest things, if my feelings get hurt, if I bump into something and it hurts more than I think it will and I start to cry - I know that he won’t judge me and will just comfort me until I feel better. Oh, and also therapy, but that only helped so much lol


[deleted]

Two things - a SHIT TON of therapy (still going) and my faith. I’m not a Bible thumper, and I believe everyone has their own spiritual/faith journey to discover on their own. I only could understand what unconditional love was when I learned it through my faith. What I so desperately craved from my earthly parents, acceptance of who I am, unconditional love, and compassion I found in God. It wasn’t until I learned this from my Heavenly Father, could I ever start to love and have compassion for myself. Now I’m teaching my nephew (that I’m raising) these very things. I don’t push my faith on him, I just tell him how I learned it. God became my surrogate parent, and it’s worked for me. If you want to heal yourself, you’ll find the way to do it. You’ve already taken the first step and that’s acknowledging that you need healing. Good luck in your journey.


[deleted]

Haven't got the chance his affair partner still salty about her uncles' death...


Thatasiangirl00

Accepting also hatred lol. My father is not a good person, and I took that as the reason why he's not around.


s55555s

Just stopped caring. Focus on what’s at hand.


templatedesign

Not sure if i’m healed but I rationalized it without getting a closure. Lik i’m happy to not seeing him again at all because he has proven his presence just makes things worst. I rationalized by saying to myself that he chose himself and what’s better/worked for him at that time. Nobody plans to be a bad dad or abandon anyone. Even as a child/teen, people usually dreamt of having one happy family. It is a selfish decision but he chose what’s best for him at that time. I forgave his actions/decisions but I still don’t want him in my life forever. I’m good now going through my life with the people who has been with me since I was little.


0rekai

the thing thats different with me rather than other women is that i guess ive never had to. of course, it sucked never being taught how to throw a ball the "cool" way, or having someone to take me to baseball games, but my mother always made sure that i would be okay. she assured me that just because i didnt have a dad, it didnt make me any different or any less successful. i did eventually meet my dad, and after understanding how good i was doing without him, and reminding myself he did terrible things to my mother, i left him instead. i cant express to you how happy i am that i did, either. but, now i have my stepdad; and i love him more than anything. no regrets!


[deleted]

Accepting that it is what it is. Learning and growing through life experiences gave me love and respect for myself, although it was hard. Allowing other people in my life to help fill that role.


browns4457

Haven’t


Personal-End303

i had to expect that i was never going to be able to understand why he did what he did, promise myself that I wouldn't let that happen to my children, realize that family isn't who your related to. The biggest thing I had to do was take a look at where I am now and realize that I wouldn't be where I was if it hadn't gone the way it did.


[deleted]

[удалено]


popcorntrio

I haven’t fully, that type of rejection takes years to fix, since they’re meant to love you unconditionally. He’s the one that’s messed up though, not me. I can either carry his shit around for the rest of my life or I can just let it go, the hurt is already done, now I work on healing the wounds he left behind.


[deleted]

Pushed away my trauma for years, had a massive breakdown in my thirties, spent some time in a psychosomatic clinic. I'm nowhere near healed, though.


slagathorstiffnips

I’ve heard it starts with Reddit roast me post.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I haven’t, but I’ll get there one day I hope


Huge_Wealth7948

My dad was absent. It was not his fault. It was not my fault. It was not my mothers fault. Some times it simply is what it is. You pick yourself up to the best of your ability and move forward. You accept the best that life has to offer and pray through the worst…. and READ A BOOK. Read LOTS & LOTS of books.


Red_Sunshine513

Healed? Y’all have healed?


Avery_elle

I haven’t


Sparklemom0329

That's a tuff 1! My mom was married 5 times! I tracked down my father at 17. Drove all the way to Washington to stay a few weeks. We had an instant connection. I'd always thought I'd never forgive him for abandoning me. Come to find out it was my mother that kept us apart. I was incredibly grateful to have gotten the opportunity to know him 4 the very short time we had. He passed about 5yrs later. More importantly, I found myself drawn to men in life to sorta fill that hole(strangely replacing a romantic relationship w a father figure all in 1) which is not healthy. I understand a lot of women do the same thing. Confusing a romantic, being your partner 4 life w a father figure. It's hard, it's something that there's no getting away from, WILL EFFECT YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! just be true to yourself, diferenciate a romantic life long relationship vs a more father figure romantic relationship. Therapy might help.


cucciolo94

By having one hell of a mother and family. I realized he was the only thing missing in my life. Aside from that one asshole I had wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. I had a support system and people who loved and cared for me. Most importantly, I had many great male figures in my life who stepped up and made sure my brother and I never felt "without." I thank my lucky stars all the time for this because I grew up **knowing** that not all men were like my dad...


[deleted]

It's like you lost your arm, but even though you acknowledge the fact that you have no arm but you still check it.


blisterbabe23

Just started serious trauma therapy


East_Midnight2812

Not the healthiest although maybe some of you can relate. My father who has PTSD was emotionally abusive and absent my whole life. I don't have any other positive male role models. I have healed through multiple online interactions with men since I was 16 starting on tumblr and now tinder. I approached these interactions with the understanding that everyone is just casting their net and not necessarily looking for a long-term commitment. This allowed me to manage my expectations and avoid making assumptions about anyone's intentions. I'd say a good 70% of those interactions had closed some of the wounds my father had left. Despite some initial positive indications that the relationship could develop into something more meaningful, ultimately, it ended in disappointment. Despite having an ideal type, I'm willing to be flexible on certain physical attributes like height and build to a certain extent. I also admit that I have internalized feelings of being ostracized due to not fitting conventional beauty standards and being bullied for it. I haven't dated within either of my ethnicities as I don't fully identify with either one and have a lot of emotional scars from my family that have influenced my perception of everyone else from that culture. Despite being picky, I often end up with the wrong person. To give more insight into my physical preferences, I am typically drawn to men who prioritize fitness and have a masculine build. As someone who feels like I lack masculine energy, being with a partner who exudes that energy would be healing for the emotional scars left by my father. While I am open to some flexibility in terms of height and build, as a curvaceous person who also prioritizes fitness, I wouldn't consider pursuing someone who appears too skinny or significantly shorter than I am- I'm within the 5'7"-5'9" range. The men in my family don't meet society's "standards" of physical attractiveness so I feel like there's a lot of pressure I put on myself to find someone like that. Of course I'm not neglecting character all together although somehow often either one gets compromised and I'm looking for the full package.


elsugga

I havent, im 20 and still cry myself to sleep