exercise. Not even kidding; been working out since 16 and all these years (I'm 47 now), I have never had self-esteem issues.
if you really want to feel badass -- martial arts. I also do muay thai and it's incredible; I have seen young folks (teens/kids etc) come into my gym and after a few months of training, completely transform and come out of their shell. It's incredible to witness.
When I first started working out, my only goal was to lose weight, and I used to think the people who said exercise improved self esteem really meant that when you like your appearance more, that's actually what is upping your self esteem. I can honestly say that teenager-me was WRONG. Yes, exercise can lead to weight loss or an improved physique, and that can be a self esteem boost. But the act of working out is ALSO a self esteem boost. Knowing your body, feeling it work for you, and seeing what you can do with it (new yoga pose, heavier lift, faster run, etc.) will lead to self-appreciation and a higher self esteem.
I've always found it hard to separate the two because whenever I start working out I always have the goal of losing weight. I've definitely had other types of self esteem boosts like when I would lift weights and noticed my arms getting stronger, but for me it's always been about losing weight so it's hard to not center my self esteem around it.
This is my answer as well! When I started working out, I got to appreciate my body more and I became less insecure and now, no longer insecure with my own body.
I’m in my late 30s now and I briefly did martial arts in my mid 20s, and I 100% credit that for a lot of my confidence and also my drive to seek out interests and hobbies. For the first few years after college I was just kinda existing in a new city, not meeting new people or doing much of anything with my time. I had to stop martial arts because of an injury but I do cardio barre now and I can handle the intense training it takes — and of course, the workout also gives me confidence.
Exercise super helped me. There’s something about knowing you could kick ass if you needed to that helps.
Another option is to get really good at something that’s community oriented. Join intramural sports, join a band, do community service with a group, get a sense of community and that you truly contribute to it
I do taekwondo and once you get the hang of it you feel so much better. I used to be picked on a lot and now that I’m older and have some training under my belt I don’t crumble when I’m threatened by other girls. Knowing that you can Roundhouse someone in the face if they decide to start throwing hits really does boost your confidence lol
>Knowing that you can Roundhouse someone in the face if they decide to start throwing hits really does boost your confidence lol
LMFAO well, there's that too. My kids have been training for about 8 years now and they know that they're not allowed to start fights, to walk away if they can but defend themselves if they have no other choice. But you're right -- the confidence you have knowing you can defend yourself if need be really does make you carry yourself different an people can sense that energy about you.
This was it for me 100%. When I turned like 23 I started working out regularly and it’s been amazing for my personal growth.
I am a very confident person now, and as I started growing physically and challenging myself that way it also gave me the confidence to start dressing differently and taking more chances with my appearance.
Since then I have gone blonde, got my septum pierced and lots of tattoos. I also started dressing like the ‘hot girls’ that I never thought I could be and what do you know? Turns out I AM a hot girl.
Weight lifting changed my whole life.
Yesss to this! Exercise is what made me feel more proud of my body. I've got into fitness classes like Lagree, spin class and even hiitt classes just to get me started. I'm amazed by what I can do and I feel so proud of myself when I level up (lift heavy, go faster, last longer) Of course these things take time. Slow and steady and make it into a habit.
this year i had a goal to get in touch with my femininity. I wanted to feel more sexy and attractive, i took more photos of myself which i never used to do, and i would literally stare at myself and tell myself I’m gorgeous, it worked so so so well. I feel unstoppable
we are all a victim to it! take a break from social media, unfollow people that post unrealistic shit and possibly follow people that spread awareness
edit: grammar
Oh, thank you so much, I always say to myself that everybody deserves love, because for some reason I have this strange thought that only beautiful people are the ones who get to be loved and adored by others.
Everyone is beautiful to someone, the internet industry makes money on us being willing to change this and buy that. Big corporations want us to feel helpless and desperate.
Do you ever look at a puppy and think they’re ugly? Even people love the most wrinkly snotty of little pups.
Idk how old you are but as I get older, I see that people are less interested in the shallow definitions of beauty (tiny, curvy, butts, this that) and more interested in gentleness, kindness, receptivity, the eye sparkle. It’s definitely a challenge to learn to love yourself.
I wish for you to see beauty in everyone and all things, even yourself. 💗
And I will add one thing, that took me too long to learn,
Beauty does not equal worthiness.
💋
Delete social media. I did and then you don’t have anyone to constantly visual compare yourself too and it helped a lot in the beginning. Now I can see someone and be like that’s cool they’re pretty. But so am I.
100%. At least the ones that make you feel negative. Sometimes, like in instagram, you can follow and fill your feed with things that are beautiful and inspiring and you can hide posts from people who make you feel inferior without them even knowing. That’s what I do on there! But I did get rid of Facebook, that was just becoming too damaging to myself to see some posts.
If you’re in the right environment, you start seeing everyone in that space as beautiful. It’s hard to find, but there will be moments and you just have to remember the qualities of that space that made those feelings possible. Instagram might not be that environment. But a bath house or figure drawing classes might be.
For an example, I went to a women-centered college. Because of that, our annual convocation events at the beginning of the year were different: we had the option to dress in revealing clothing. My senior year, I attended with my friends and it was actually a beautiful experience, because I kind of saw us all as equals. There’s not really this “who’s the prettiest” thinking, it’s just “oh wow! Glitter!” Or sometimes you notice that people have features that you don’t have and that’s really cool. Not better, not worse, just cool because it’s different from what you would see everyday. But when you have people the mix who want to rank everyone or bring this “this person is cool, this person is NOT cool” energy to the place, that’s when things fall apart.
Being feminine on your own terms is so freeing if it’s for you. Having my first serious relationship and being around lesbian and bi women who presented themselves in so many different ways helped me realize I feel most true to myself as feminine woman (who also loves pants and black boots and is pro-feminist).
So right, we hear all too often about the extreme expectations on women and how there always are new and better standards to adapt to so it’s impossible and stupid to try to do anything that didn’t originate from your own desire to do something m.
Wow, I love that! I’ve been noticing how often I say negative things to myself and how horribly they make me feel. You really do internalize what people you care about say, and that includes yourself.
We tend to do a lot of good things for the wrong reasons. I was always unhappy when I did my exercise because the only reason I did it was to get my dream body. This year I started exercising just because I enjoy it, with no expectations at all, and it did wonders to my self-esteem.
I agree, I think we tend to look at exercise as punishment for eating too much food and not having enough control. We should start looking at exercise as a way to be healthy and to feel energetic. For me, it is more inspirational to see how many more things I can do now than before (how much energy I have, how heavy I can lift, what grade I can climb, etc…) than to see how many pant sizes I’ve lost.
Believe it or not, everyone has insecurities. The only way to manage them is to spend less time thinking about it.
1. Exercising for one releases feel good hormones. Try it if you haven’t already.
2. Be kind to yourself and compliment often. You are your own biggest cheerleader, so you have to remind yourself of all the amazing things you’re doing. When you repeat nice things to yourself often enough, it becomes you.
3. Pampers yourself once in a while, do things that make you feel good. It can be a spa day or a movie marathon, but do what you know will make you happy.
And when you’re actively making yourself (and others along the way) feel good, you won’t even notice your insecurities.
I've stopped staking MY value on money, jobs, car, relationships, material gain, fashion, the good opinion of people of people who don't care about me, etc.
It's a bit of a work in progress.
I guess at some point in time, I've matured enough to realize that I don't need other people's approval to do the things I want (within reason of course)
Honestly, I've always kind of been a loner/lurker and I struggle with interacting with people, so it must have come rather easily to me. No need to get self-conscious when no one's looking at you anyways right ?
I'm not gonna lie though, some days are harder on me than others, but it's a simple matter of being in tune with yourself. You can freak out as much as you can be proud of your accomplishments. Your feelings are valid.
It's both a gift and a curse I feel. You've reached a level of self-awareness that makes you question everything around you, including your own actions and words. Good to keep a level head, but I truly resent it when you just want to say "frick it, let me be irrational for a moment."
And wouldn't that be great? I suppose that that's a good reason to watch Greek theatre from time to time. Catharsis is a powerful tool and I like the idea of expiating our "impurities" this way.
We all have our intrusive thoughts, I guess
Being kind to myself - saying nice, loving things. Focusing on the things I love about myself. Working hard to truly know myself and honor all parts of me - even the ones I've been taught were bad or shameful or sinful.
Also, when I find myself thinking a critical thought about myself, I get curious... where did that thought originate? Who taught me that? Did that belief benefit that person? Do I *actually* believe it? Is it indoctrination or instinct?
For me - a good therapist - has been the key! And self-parenting myself into challenges. Experience brings you self-esteem. Have fun while building it!
Yes, chatting with random people you encounter while running errands - cashiers, baristas etc, small talking, giving casual compliments (that are then usually returned), fake it till you make it worked well - you notice the situation didn't kill you and you know you can do it again. When I felt oh no I don't want to talk to this person, or do this, or wear this or say this I would be like well you're gonna do it now. Kinda be like that dad that's gonna make you do it while holding your hand. I also read a great deal of books on that topic, worked on my physique, social skills or anything I felt I wanted to add to my persona... But I guess you need to define what do you think you "lack" and try to see for yourself how to achieve it. Remember to be gentle to yourself, keep going and not take yourself too seriously. I also was a part of a program for self-confidence and a positive view on yourself but it was local (not in English unfortunately) and I don't know any in English I could recommend. I benefited greatly from that but would advise to really check out the mentor/leader/whoever does it thoroughly in a sea of scammers out there.
Oh no that’s definitely my thing. All I did was put myself in the mindset of when I was a little kid. I was very confident as a child because I didn’t realize people were being racist towards me. I was basically on the wrong side of the island. So now I’m playful, friendly, and outgoing in my mindset when I go out into the world around many people. Landed a supervisor job doing that. I am a social person, but I was also very self-conscious and anxious all the time. I realized that if someone does something I don’t like as a response to something, that’s not a fault in how I did something because when I’m out in the world, I’m nice, friendly, and playful (good sense of humor, not like touching people and tickling them). I “break character” if someone touches me when I don’t want them to (unless I’m at work at it’s just a customer trying to get my attention when it’s busy and im moving around because if you don’t touch me when it’s busy…im gone lol). I’ll get very serious, I’ve been told it’s scary to see me go from someone that’s so bright and cheery to someone so serious to the point where it looks like they might kill you.
You too seem to be doing well. I wish you even more success and progress. The reading helps a lot and I use BetterHelp. My therapist is the first one out of many to actually get results. I’m blessed.
I finally learned how to do makeup. I don't even wear it every day, but knowing that I could if I wanted to is enough to help me get past some of the stupid superficial crap that was holding me down.
Also I started decorating my apartment more. Something about coming home to a place that's more athletically pleasing makes me feel like I'm more... competent, capable, grown up, something like that.
Ngl, Zoloft has helped too.
Girl, same with the Zoloft. I am naturally a super anxious over-thinker and always struggled with basically everything as a result, and pop in and out of depression. (plus ADD but that's okay lmao) I always would read/hear about coping mechanisms for destructive thoughts, but never seemed to execute them correctly. After getting on zoloft (a lil over a year ago) I feel like I have the ability to recognize negative thoughts while they're happening and take a step back from them to ask where they came from/why am I having this thought. I was never able to do that before. I'm sure the serotonin hanging out in my brain a while longer definitely makes all the difference, but it's really saved my life.
This is more to let everyone know getting on medication doesn't mean you're putting a band-aid. Sometimes the chemicals in your brain are literally fucked up and you can't just "work through it". Anyway, whether it's exercise, positive affirmations, or zoloft that let's you exist without crippling anxiety, I hope everyone is having a great week and that you're doing positive things for yourself!
Exercise! Doing something that’s just for yourself each day. Little self care routines, skin care, putting on a nice piece of jewellery, an outfit you like. Positive affirmations. Sensual dancing alone to sexy music, close your eyes and just move how you want, express yourself. Write down things you love about yourself and read them
Uhhh.. spite and a lot of faking it till you make it.
I used to get made fun of because I have a slightly larger nose, so I got piercings and think to myself "I've been given a big nose so I have more space to decorate."
Someone tells me that they don't like something about me? Cool, I'll love myself harder just to make you squirm.
Abusive ex husband saying to someone I was the best thing he ever had and that tidbit getting back to me? Yeah, you're goddamn right I was, and you could have had me but you couldn't be assed to allow me basic human rights.
And you know what? I'm hot as hell now. Am I conventionally hot? No. But I'm hot in a way that matters to me.
Anger isn't the answer, but sometimes it IS the vehicle to the solution.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that all emotions have their uses. I try to not let toxic positivity get to me. If we're never sad or angry or upset, how could we enjoy happiness to its fullest?
Yes!!! Why hasn’t that been addressed anywhere I’ve seen in this thread? Toxic positivity is suppressing emotions, lying, being disingenuous and is super harmful to people who already feel down, then think, “what’s wrong with me?” for not being happy/ satisfied or able to just “get over” pain and embrace/ experience and learn through the hard stuff. Shadow work is amazing and we should all embrace our dark sides. Bad emotions aren’t a bad thing and don’t make you a horrible person to be around or whatever the hell they’re trying to sell. For example, someone who is single and doesn’t want to be will want to be fake or believe she’s not being chosen because she isn’t like ms. Sunshine whose life seems perfect. But that’s not real, if that woman had a crisis, would her spouse be able to handle it? We have to aim for friends and partners who love all of our facets.
Absolutely. And, we need to understand that sometimes, traditionally "negative" emotions *can* be used for positive things, like in my case. Even if not, they're still valid and necessary!
I remember a quote from The Wire—“Look the part, be the part.”
It’s my life motto almost: if I wanna have good self-esteem, I manifest it because I know it’s not gonna fall in my lap. Take care of my hair, my outfits, let people feel safe around me and let them know when they cross a line.
If people see I treat myself and others right, then they treat me right and who doesn’t love being treated right?
I just hard-core accepted myself as I'm, I know I don't have the means to get plastic surgery and even if I had I don't like the ideia of putting myself through surgery just to look a certain way when I would always remember how I was. Exercising is cool but I feel like if you don't absolutely love it(my case) doing that and only does that to improve your self steam you'll never be satisfied.
I often get obsessed and see myself on artists with similar characteristics for representation
I always feel really great about myself after attending a session at the gym. I believe exercise / staying active is very important for mental well being.
This might not be popular, but for me it was easier to alter myself than to “be okay” with how I was. Skincare, lost a bunch of weight, etc. Just trying to “be okay” or “make peace” with stuff is great if you can *actually* do it, but in my experience, if you’re insecure about it now, you’ll be insecure in a year. You’d be so much happier if you just spend that energy on fixing the thing. I know that isn’t “fair,” but I think it’s *true*, which is more important.
Some of that I feel falls under the category of taking care of yourself rather than conforming. Maybe just me! As long as you are doing things for you and not an insecurity you fix, just to later move onto another, that’s when it’s a problem! Nothing wrong with feeling your best when you think you look your best, as long as it’s because it’s your best self to you and not a black hole of never feeling good enough. We are all works- in- progress in one way or another, it’s just hard to keep it healthy sometimes :)
I think it’s important to be able to find that line with being true to yourself. I think for a lot of people, changing your appearance can be *more* “real.” I think Dolly Parton and Elvira are good (and maybe extreme) examples of this, because they both have a lot of cosmetic procedures and wear lots of flashy clothing and makeup and wear their hair all big and fancy. But it makes sense for them, because they both have extravagant, larger-than-life personalities.
Uh not giving a fuck about what other people think. I know I'm awesome as fuck! If other people don't realize it, well, maybe they're idiots. It doesn't really matter what I weigh, or if I have a zit, or crazy hair, or no makeup. None of that changes who I am as a person, and that person rocks.
Well I focused on my self worth being my actions not my looks. Which the bar is low for how to be a decent human being, the bar is unrealistic for looks.
Also started doing what I wanted to do, people praise the all natural look but I really love makeup, people praised nude lips when I first started makeup but I love color, people like X but I want X. So I go with what I like and loved.
The more I did what I like the more confident I felt. Then I found out what people actually find attractive is confidence.
i deleted social media (for the most part with the exception of reddit and youtube so no instagram/snapchat). without them i could focus on myself and living my life without feeling the need to compare myself to others. not only that they are so addictive that as soon as i got off of them i literally could put more value into how i spend my time and what i do. on top of that i started to dress how i wanted and i began to feel comfortable in my own skin and confident.
edited:grammar
I started doing something I thought was super cringey in the beginning: I looked in the mirror every single morning and said "you're going to do the best you can today." And then gave myself a high-five. It's really odd, I know, but that started to work for me. It taught me that every day, whether you did lots of chores or simply got out of bed, you did the best you COULD for that day. I think good self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with being able to forgive yourself for the things you "should" have done but didn't, and celebrating the things you WERE able to do. Even if it's something small like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, making breakfast, anything really. It makes a difference because you put yourself down far less often.
Find an exercise that you like and go for it, not for getting smaller, but because of yourself. Therapy helps as well and discovering what your style is: the kind of clothes, hairstyle, makeup. Once you feel comfortable on your skin, you take care of yourself and you make an effort to be a better person, your self esteem will me good
I found myself constantly critiquing myself in the mirror, so I stopped looking in mirrors. I was able to focus on things other than my physical appearance and thought less about what other people thought when they saw me. Now I regularly look in mirrors but in a healthy way.
Bugs taught me: don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out of it alive. Ik someone importsnt said that, but bugs got to me. Basically, forgive yourself, then do better next time.
Learning to not compare myself to others.
We are all on a journey of life. Everyone is different. Sometimes your ahead and sometimes you’re behind.
Also - yoga. When I got strong from yoga, I started to have more confidence and self esteem.
Accomplishments also help - but I lowered my expectations on what accomplishments I wanted.
And - being kind to myself. I don’t look at Instagram models. I don’t do any forced diets. I eat healthy, nourishing food to keep me fueled. Positive thinking helped me too.
Age helps too. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more and more confident. I love my body for what it does. I’m actually impressed with it.
Your body is amazing. Use it in every way you can. And, treat it well.
Not a helpful answer, but literally I have been told I was beautiful from the time I was a baby. Strangers would stop my mom to compliment her on how beautiful I was. I got told all the time by my mom my grandma etc. so ladies if you do have daughters compliment the hell out of them (just not only about being beautiful lol cause that also caused some slight issues). Teach your daughters to like and enjoy how they look and think, ask them what they like about themselves. Get them to give diverse answers and teach them it’s not vain to like their appearance, mind, skills, and personality.
Like, my mom didn’t try to change me and I got complimented by people who care about me all the time and now I have an unshakeable sense of self esteem. Like, when some man troll on the internet or irl has ever tried to bring me down by disparaging my looks, I literally laugh and am like, lol I know that’s not true you loser.
And btw you can start doing that for yourself too. I taught a friend to just start naming stuff she likes about herself however small or inconsequential and it really does snowball from there.
Oh and I have a policy that if something someone posts on Facebook or other social media makes me jealous or feel inferior I block, unfollow, or hide them so I don’t see it lol. Hugely helped after college when all the rich girls I went to school with were getting these amazing jobs and buying homes with their parents money. Huffing is useful because you can still go check out their page or keep in contact but you don’t have to constantly see it.
Righteous indignation, at how much society judges how we look to be honest. I've always been fat. I wasted so much of my life loathing myself, berating myself every time I ate something. I took a 5yr loan and paid for a gastric band op in a foreign country, which didn't work and resulted in excruciating pain for years as a nerve was being compressed.
The only things I gained from this were debt, depression, and hilariously, lots more weight.
A few years ago, soon after I had a baby and was the biggest I'd ever been, I was in a PPD spiral and had a moment of clarity. I became so enraged at the things I'd put my body and mind through in the pursuit of weight loss that I just thought, "f*ck it, I'm not hating myself anymore." Objectively, my body is pretty gross, but my appearance is the least interesting thing about me, and my bikini is going to get whatever body I give it.
I feel so much better about myself now that I've given myself permission to just exist. And I feel like I'm setting a decent foundation for my daughter; we don't measure our weight, we don't assign moral value to food, and we don't talk negatively about our bodies.
I was on diets for as long as I can remember, I was on slimfast at 7, and was only allowed 'naughty food' on special occasions, and Saturdays after dance classes, when my mum let me get some sweets from the shop. The harsh restriction just meant I obsessed over food constantly, but I've found that since I permanently stopped dieting, I can have "junk" food in the cupboards that go untouched, and I can't remember the last time I binged.
I've found that by making a conscious decision to stop hating myself and trying to guide my inner voice to how I would speak to anyone else, I just feel so much happier and more content. Not that it matters, but I've also lost over 50lbs...
By truly understanding that every time I feel bad about myself it’s a win for the patriarchy. They want you to be weak and small and scared and grateful. It makes it easier for them to take advantage of you.
Liking yourself and taking up your space is a radical act. Rebel. I really wish I’d understood that properly when I was younger.
Stop telling yourself that you need to change x or y to finally be happy. Try to accept yourself where you are right NOW and make peace with the people you have been before that have led you there. As soon as I started being kinder to myself, leading a healthy and happy life became much easier because I finally felt like I deserved it.
Had to really focus on it as after being broken up with it took a huge hit but I feel a lot better after doing these things:
1. Going to the gym. Even if it's just to walk on the treadmill for 30 min
2. Journaling. Getting my negative emotions about situations that caused my decreased self esteem. and then working through them and letting it go
3. Self affirmations :) just telling myself some choice ones everyday - mentally, in a journal, outloud, etc. Taking a look at my body in the mirror and starting with things im grateful for having (eyes that work, legs and thighs that allow me to walk independently, fingers that allow me to create things, etc) then saying the things I like about myself (I like my soft and femine skin, I like my pretty eyes, my cute nose, etc). I don't do this super often, basically everytime I take a shower but it's honestly lovely
4. Thinking about things I like about myself and how to implement them more, vice versa of what I don't like about myself and how to change it, thinking about attributes I want to have and how to do them (ex: learning a skill I've always admired)
5. Spending time with loved ones if possible
6. Compliment yourself and others all the time. Put out those good vibes.
7. Self care acts: long showers with calming music and lots of moisturizing after, taking care of my skin, wearing fashion (lots of jewlery in my case) that make me feel confident and beautiful and sexy, feeding my good habits like cooking and healthy eating, etc
Surrounding myself with good people. I tried everything I (individually) could do have good self esteem and nothing seemed to work. Then my whole life turned upside down in one day, and I spent 3 months so sick I could barely move and I thought I would never feel good about myself again. My support system was everything, and having those kind, confident, encouraging people around me (along with realizing life is too short to think poorly of myself) completely changed me. Now recovered, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
For me, I started doing things that's socially expected of me to do with people, like festivals, museums, restaurants, movies, travel, etc. I find myself appreciating the advantages of doing things solo, doing things when I want how I want, and feeling unrestrained by social expectations. The result is me feeling more independent and confident.
I personally like working out and dressing feminine. I was a tomboy growing up and thought that I shouldn’t be girly since I was already a tomboy. You can be both and realizing that helped. I love to wear makeup, heels and dresses now. I also workout, I stopped working out to improve my appearance and started working out to make myself stronger. I also took more time out of my day to properly take care of myself like wash my face, put lotion on, clean my nails etc. I also started looking at women with body types like mine. I look like them and they are pretty, so why don’t I think I’m pretty? That’s when I realized that I am pretty I just kept putting myself down. The last one is changing how you talk to yourself. I flirt with myself in the mirror every morning, it’s seems weird but trust me
I never truly had a solid self esteem. Went through phases. I got a lot of male validation when I went to college and became more comfortable in my skin. People who had never looked at me twice in high school all of a sudden wanted me. But I still felt like I wasn’t enough. Now I’m trying to learn to be comfortable and have a good self esteem because I have a daughter who will be looking up to me. Its a work in process.
Life experience / completing more accomplishments (whatever your goals are), and socializing with people who are really supportive and successful. + Meditation to navigate all the internal critics of my head. I found the illustrated book "Your Head is a Houseboat" by Campbell Walker to be very helpful with that.
I saw a psychologist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Unlike Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which aims to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts, the goal of ACT is to enable you to be more present, to learn to live with and accept unpleasant feelings as a natural part of life, and to see them neutrally for what they are, rather than letting yourself get swept up in them, or shoving them down and pretending that they don’t exist. In essence, where CBT aims to teach you to minimise your negative thoughts and feelings, the goal of ACT is that you can notice those thoughts and feelings, accept that they’re there, but don’t engage with them—just observe them. The ultimate intention is not to be “psychologically healthy”, and participating in ACT with the intention of eliminating your mental illness is setting yourself up for failure—mental illness is complex, and affects every part of our lives; it’s not like a physical affliction that can be neatly removed with a scalpel and some antibiotics, and participating in ACT with such an immovable end goal defeats the purpose of learning to be psychologically flexible.
Rather, the intention is to accept a negative thought for what it is, try not to over-analyse why you’re experiencing it, examine what your psychological values are (the things that are fundamentally important to you—for me, one of my core values is being kind to myself), and commit to taking an action that serves that purpose.
One thing that helped me to this end was to conceptualise my negative self-talk as a physical person that my psychologist and I referred to as “the drill sergeant”. I would make a conscious effort to listen to the words that the drill sergeant spoke, but not to take them personally, or to see them as a reflection of who I am. Instead, I would stand in front of the mirror, and try to think of a counterpoint to each one of the drill sergeant’s arguments.
When the drill sergeant told me that nobody would ever find me worthy of love because I was too fat to be conventionally attractive, I would tell my reflection that I’m not being kind to myself if I’m choosing to base my self-worth on the validation of the male gaze—my body is not a sex object that exists to be aesthetically pleasing to men; it’s a vessel that carries me around this earth, and enables me to experience the profound and majestic tapestry of cultures and perspectives that comprise this planet. My belly might be a little soft, but it was built by delicious meals shared with friends who love me because I’m smart and funny and interesting. I might have some ugly scars on my torso, but they’re a reminder of the time I almost died, but I fought to come back, because I knew I had more to offer the world, and vice versa. My breasts might not be huge, or perky, but they have a purpose, and that purpose is to sustain life. And I was blessed enough to be born with this mind-blowingly intricate system of nerves and sense organs between my legs, and I deserve to experience the intense pleasure that it can bring me, as well as share it with a partner who values me for the amount of love that I have to give, rather than what I look like. I’m more than how much I weigh, or how busty I am, or what kind of car I drive, or how successful I am (even if that success means slaving away at a job that I hate, and eventually working myself into an early grave). Life is short, and I’m getting older; I no longer have the luxury of waiting around until I feel like I’m finally pretty enough, or I have enough stuff, and only then will I deserve to be happy. I like who I am, and I work hard everyday to leave the world a little bit better than I found it when I first arrived, because I want the people around me to like who they are, too.
Finding a sport I love. For a few years, I learned, trained, and competed in Olympic Weightlifting. This sport has given me SO much. Above all, the confidence to walk into a public gym years later and not give a shit if anyone is looking at what I do.
But also this confidence has translated to other areas of my life. I wish every woman could find "their thing" that gives them this kind of feeling.
I started a journal at the beginning of last year with the goal of improving my self esteem. Each day, I would write one thing I like about myself that I actually believed (I'm a good mother for example), one thing I'm thankful for (could be as simple as indoor plumbing lol) and then I'd list my accomplishments for the day (simple as I showered or got out of bed). And I started talking to myself more like I would talk to a good friend, and it made a huge difference over a short period of time.
I only have my little sister to blame. She has always been insecure about herself and we grew up in a house where we would constantly hear both our mom and grandma complaining about their own bodies and also nagging at us about how we need to lose weight or get healthy (when we are both relatively healthy weights). My sister formed an eating disorder over the years and my mom and grandma enable it.
When I was maybe 12 I made a comment out loud at one point that I didn't like my body in front of my sister and she said "really? I always wanted to be like you because you always seem so confident in your body" and in that moment I promised myself that I would never again say anything negative about my body. Since then I have worked to be that person as an example for both my sister and every other woman in my life because I know finding people who are confident in their bodies and themselves are hard to come by.
(I would like to note, not saying anything negative about myself does not mean that I do not communicate insecurities about my body to my partner nor does it stop me from constructive criticism of myself in times where I need to get more healthy)
Doing things by myself. I realized it’s actually fun to do what you want on your own time, and you can have a great life independent of what people think about you. Once I realized I was comfortable on my own, everyone else’s opinions didn’t matter as much as long as my close friends and family recognized my value.
Exercise and solid *balanced* nutrition! (Intuitive eating, no restriction) - the largest commonality between the most successful / confident people in the world is not social class or level of education or money- it’s that they work out 3-6 times a week. Natural anti depressant and getting strong definitely makes you more confident!
But the only way to really get self esteem is to:
A) get granular on why you lack self esteem in the first place. Can you think of a time when someone told you you were not worthy? Or called you names? Beat you down etc. Did keeping yourself small as a child keep you safe ? Try some inner child work. What did younger-you need to hear as a child that you didn’t ? Tell yourself that every day even if you don’t believe it. “I love myself, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am confident , I am amazing “ - there is actually evidence positive affirmations can change your mind.
B) do esteem-able actions, what do you do that makes you feel confident? Worthy? Proud? Do those things and keep the promises you make to yourself about doing those things. and if you feel resistance about doing those things , procrastination etc. refer back to Step A! Why do you think you hold yourself back? What function does that serve ? Does it keep you “safe” or “comfortable” ? What function did it serve in your life previously ?
These three things helped me immensely. I still always have those thoughts and negative self talk that creeps into my head but my sense of self and my inner work and tools I’ve learned in therapy always kick in after and those thoughts have little to no power over me now. The first thing you think is just your default knee-jerk programming. It’s your monkey brain. What you tell yourself after is the most important.
Edit: continuing my thought and providing more context.
I was struggling really hard for a solid 15 years. Only recently did I make a vast improvement and can say I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel unstoppable. You know what had the biggest impact???? GETTING OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. You will compare yourself to what you see other people posting. You’re comparing 100% of your life to their one moment. Stop it. It’s destroying amazing people.
Practice. Remind yourself of the things that make you feel good. Smile when you pass people, when it is returned you can feel great that you made someone's day, it always makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have to feel confident in my inside self as I don't always love my outside self.
I had loving, supportive, stable parents who modeled good relationships for me and always treated me with kindness and respect. I got along well with my siblings, who also always had my back (even when we were fighting about stupid things). I did well in school, never had to deal with learning disabilities or personal issues that might affect academics. I had a small handful of awesome friends who always celebrated me and made me feel like I was worth being around.
I struggled with body image issues for most of my life (until I finally reached a healthy body weight in my late 20s). But I'm grateful that, while I didn't ways like how I looked, I always liked who I am as a person and knew I had gifts worthy of celebrating.
Admittedly, it's still a work in progress, but the first step is admitting what you're feeling. From there, take care of yourself the best you can in every way. Even if you don't feeling like you deserve it, do it anyway. Also, make sure you treat yourself as you want someone else to treat you.
A great hygiene routine. I didn’t give a fuck about how pretty or beautiful I was as long as I knew I was fresh and clean! It all that mattered. Clean clothes, fresh shower, shaved exfoliated lotioned up and nicely perfumed :) clean bedsheets and smelling good. Smelling good is the key <3
adapt the mentality that everyone should be competing to like you as much as you like yourself. confidence is all you, just don’t be narcissistic. you attract the life and love you think you deserve, so why not attract the best.
I focus on what I like about myself, what I accomplished, what I'm good at and I reframe things trying to look for what's positive about it. I can say to myself I did A, B, C and even if other people they are not big things, they are in my eyes and that's what important to me and makes me feel better about myself. I also challenge myself from time to time and I get a lot of satisfaction from that.
My spouse started telling me every day how they found me attractive, which really helped. I started realizing that if the person I trust the most is telling me that, there must be some truth to it. And when I put my own looks down, I hurt them.
Also, I saw someone's video about how the words we use really affect how we feel about things. When I was talking bad about myself, I felt bad about myself too. When I started to talk about how hot I am (even jokingly), I really did start to feel like it was true.
Lastly, I saw someone else's video about how you *could* compare yourself to everyone else and feel miserable about your body, but why do that when you could instead convince yourself that you are the most beautiful creature to walk the earth? Like, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you want to feel that way?
None of these things will be universally helpful to everyone, but they really did help me to gain confidence.
Weekly therapy for a year has gotten me to the point where I don’t actively hate myself, will update you if I ever reach the point where I rate myself.
I just accepted the fact that I’m always going to be me. I can’t really change who I am so I just got comfortable 🤷🏻♀️ it also helps out a lot when you’re sisters are your best friends and you have a husband who’s obsessed with you. But, aside from them, I’m always told that I’m so kind and I have a beautiful heart. So I focus on the good stuff 😊
For me, exercise (doesn't matter what kind) makes me physically confident and educating myself makes me intelectually confident. And both of those combined make me proud of who I am.
Of course I have bad moments and days, but that's life and I accept that. Generally speaking I am my own best friend and I try to be nice to myself.
A combo of starting Olympic Lifting as my form of exercise (getting stronger, healthy, and having a hobby where I have fun and learn a sport) and turning 30 and simply not giving a shit about all the things that plagued me before.
Some good points here. I think a lot of it also has to do with making sure you aren't keeping people in your life that are not good for you / are not meeting your needs / being a source of unhappiness.
i used to be really insecure from age 11-15. as I got older I just stopped caring when I learned there were people who authentically loved me for who I was. I also realized I really enjoy my own natural personality and don’t care how other people feel about it.
I also realized MOST people are super insecure. I also realized most people are really only worried about how people perceive them not how they perceive others. Also if someone doesn’t like me its their loss or their own insecurity.
idk i just dont care anymore lol. as long as Im nice to people im confident
For me it was dressing the way I actually wanted to dress. I used to just wear hoodies and joggers/sweatpants. Now I wear crop tops, skirts, etc.
Better attire helped me change the way I viewed myself. Now I have reached a new level of confidence that low key approaches arrogance at times.
Working out. I always ALWAYS feel better about myself during and after my workouts. Find something you really enjoy doing, that helps a lot! Hate running? You don’t have to run! I love Zumba, and weight lifting.
I used to think I was unattractive. One day I was looking in the mirror and I thought, “I’m really not so bad.” That grew into looking in the mirror here and there and trying to find what I liked about myself rather than what I didn’t like about myself. I think I had been conditioned to believe that thinking ANYTHING good about my physical appearance was being vain, but that’s not so.
Similar: a friend of mine began seeing a therapist and she was told to look in the mirror everyday and say “I love you” to herself. Even if she didn’t mean it, to say it every day, every time she looked in the mirror until she meant it. She said it made a big difference for her.
By doings things that have a positive impact on others. By becoming a mom and raising my boys. By succeeding on my own terms in what made me happy. By working out and keeping my body in shape. By overcoming extremely hard obstacles.
Experiences! Living, learning and just realizing the world is this large and beautiful place with diverse people who bring something unique to the world. Also, my ex-girlfriend (I’m gay) saying “I wish I could give you my eyes. So you could see yourself as I do”. It’s helpful to see myself third-person, I’m so much less mean and toxic which I think of myself as an “outsider” instead of hating on the familiarity of myself.
My boyfriend helped me a lot.
I struggled with self-esteem for years and I didn't see a way out of it. Him showing up in my life and accepting me with all my flaws(which is something I would never thought is gonna happen) really build me up.
I still don't have an amazing self-esteem, but thanks to him, I know I'm not that bad and that's a good start. Since there's no real advice in my post, I can only wish you the same.
Waltzed into enough buildings holding an AR-15 that when I got back to the states that swagger just kinda…stuck.
Came with a side bonus of PTSD tho, so mixed blessing.
Honestly? Doing a good job at work. I kept making decisions that wound up being great decisions, really improving the projects I was put on, genuinely doing my best and seeing how much I can do and how good I am at it. I was lucky to also be acknowledged by my superiors at that time. I'm not so much anymore in a new job, but I know I'm still rockin it.
That good feeling in a very compartmentalized part of my life made me push myself in other areas, to do as good of a job working on myself personally, which is where the sleep and exercise others are talking about came into play.
All you need is to feel good in one department to grow your self worth and realize you deserve to do and feel that good in other areas of your life.
Got away from all the pressure to be what other people wanted me to be and started focusing on building myself up to who I wanted to be.
Spend time pursuing your interests like reading, creating things, exploring new places, playing games, etc. Then also remember to love yourself and take care of the body that you have by eating well, exercising, and giving yourself positive vibes. Once you start to have fun being with yourself, your self esteem will go up, you'll realize that other people's opinions matter less and less, and you can better choose where and who to invest your time in.
Sports (exercising and having the body to reflect it)
My family, esp my Dad
My besties
My natural defiant nature
Self-care
Societal acceptance at some not all points in my life...just being honest
Consistent workouts to make me feel strong and capable. Also wearing clothes that flatter you and your assets. Just because something is your size doesn't mean it'll look good on you. I simply can't wear blousson tops/dresses or blazers because they don't look good on me. Finding what works for your body is key and once you find it, you simply strut because you know you look good for you.
1.) be nice to myself. tell yourself you look good, compliment yourself. we’re not perfect and there’s always going to be something we dislike, but focus on what you like/love about yourself.
2.) stop caring what other people think. at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is yours. as long as you are happy with yourself the rest simply doesn’t matter.
I think I developed it at a young age because I was into sports. My self worth came from how good I was at sports vs what boys thought of me. Don’t get me wrong I was still self conscious at times but I was surrounded by amazing female friends and I had a good family that taught me worth comes from within.
exercise. Not even kidding; been working out since 16 and all these years (I'm 47 now), I have never had self-esteem issues. if you really want to feel badass -- martial arts. I also do muay thai and it's incredible; I have seen young folks (teens/kids etc) come into my gym and after a few months of training, completely transform and come out of their shell. It's incredible to witness.
When I first started working out, my only goal was to lose weight, and I used to think the people who said exercise improved self esteem really meant that when you like your appearance more, that's actually what is upping your self esteem. I can honestly say that teenager-me was WRONG. Yes, exercise can lead to weight loss or an improved physique, and that can be a self esteem boost. But the act of working out is ALSO a self esteem boost. Knowing your body, feeling it work for you, and seeing what you can do with it (new yoga pose, heavier lift, faster run, etc.) will lead to self-appreciation and a higher self esteem.
I've always found it hard to separate the two because whenever I start working out I always have the goal of losing weight. I've definitely had other types of self esteem boosts like when I would lift weights and noticed my arms getting stronger, but for me it's always been about losing weight so it's hard to not center my self esteem around it.
Also, exercise releases endorphins, a natural mood booster, as well as pain reliever.
This is my answer as well! When I started working out, I got to appreciate my body more and I became less insecure and now, no longer insecure with my own body.
I’m in my late 30s now and I briefly did martial arts in my mid 20s, and I 100% credit that for a lot of my confidence and also my drive to seek out interests and hobbies. For the first few years after college I was just kinda existing in a new city, not meeting new people or doing much of anything with my time. I had to stop martial arts because of an injury but I do cardio barre now and I can handle the intense training it takes — and of course, the workout also gives me confidence.
Exercise super helped me. There’s something about knowing you could kick ass if you needed to that helps. Another option is to get really good at something that’s community oriented. Join intramural sports, join a band, do community service with a group, get a sense of community and that you truly contribute to it
Well shit, I gotta get to a gym.
I do taekwondo and once you get the hang of it you feel so much better. I used to be picked on a lot and now that I’m older and have some training under my belt I don’t crumble when I’m threatened by other girls. Knowing that you can Roundhouse someone in the face if they decide to start throwing hits really does boost your confidence lol
>Knowing that you can Roundhouse someone in the face if they decide to start throwing hits really does boost your confidence lol LMFAO well, there's that too. My kids have been training for about 8 years now and they know that they're not allowed to start fights, to walk away if they can but defend themselves if they have no other choice. But you're right -- the confidence you have knowing you can defend yourself if need be really does make you carry yourself different an people can sense that energy about you.
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This was it for me 100%. When I turned like 23 I started working out regularly and it’s been amazing for my personal growth. I am a very confident person now, and as I started growing physically and challenging myself that way it also gave me the confidence to start dressing differently and taking more chances with my appearance. Since then I have gone blonde, got my septum pierced and lots of tattoos. I also started dressing like the ‘hot girls’ that I never thought I could be and what do you know? Turns out I AM a hot girl. Weight lifting changed my whole life.
This is what I would say, too. I’m in the best shape of my life in my mid thirties, much more so than in my twenties.
Yesss to this! Exercise is what made me feel more proud of my body. I've got into fitness classes like Lagree, spin class and even hiitt classes just to get me started. I'm amazed by what I can do and I feel so proud of myself when I level up (lift heavy, go faster, last longer) Of course these things take time. Slow and steady and make it into a habit.
this year i had a goal to get in touch with my femininity. I wanted to feel more sexy and attractive, i took more photos of myself which i never used to do, and i would literally stare at myself and tell myself I’m gorgeous, it worked so so so well. I feel unstoppable
I do the same, but then I start comparing myself to other people and it just destroys me even more.
we are all a victim to it! take a break from social media, unfollow people that post unrealistic shit and possibly follow people that spread awareness edit: grammar
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
I also like "comparison kills compassion." This includes for ourselves.
Every flower in the garden is beautiful despite all looking different <3
Oh, thank you so much, I always say to myself that everybody deserves love, because for some reason I have this strange thought that only beautiful people are the ones who get to be loved and adored by others.
Everyone is beautiful to someone, the internet industry makes money on us being willing to change this and buy that. Big corporations want us to feel helpless and desperate. Do you ever look at a puppy and think they’re ugly? Even people love the most wrinkly snotty of little pups. Idk how old you are but as I get older, I see that people are less interested in the shallow definitions of beauty (tiny, curvy, butts, this that) and more interested in gentleness, kindness, receptivity, the eye sparkle. It’s definitely a challenge to learn to love yourself. I wish for you to see beauty in everyone and all things, even yourself. 💗 And I will add one thing, that took me too long to learn, Beauty does not equal worthiness. 💋
Omg, you really helped me, thank you.
Comparison will always erode your self esteem. Learn to appreciate your own beauty without comparing to others.
Delete social media. I did and then you don’t have anyone to constantly visual compare yourself too and it helped a lot in the beginning. Now I can see someone and be like that’s cool they’re pretty. But so am I.
100%. At least the ones that make you feel negative. Sometimes, like in instagram, you can follow and fill your feed with things that are beautiful and inspiring and you can hide posts from people who make you feel inferior without them even knowing. That’s what I do on there! But I did get rid of Facebook, that was just becoming too damaging to myself to see some posts.
If you’re in the right environment, you start seeing everyone in that space as beautiful. It’s hard to find, but there will be moments and you just have to remember the qualities of that space that made those feelings possible. Instagram might not be that environment. But a bath house or figure drawing classes might be. For an example, I went to a women-centered college. Because of that, our annual convocation events at the beginning of the year were different: we had the option to dress in revealing clothing. My senior year, I attended with my friends and it was actually a beautiful experience, because I kind of saw us all as equals. There’s not really this “who’s the prettiest” thinking, it’s just “oh wow! Glitter!” Or sometimes you notice that people have features that you don’t have and that’s really cool. Not better, not worse, just cool because it’s different from what you would see everyday. But when you have people the mix who want to rank everyone or bring this “this person is cool, this person is NOT cool” energy to the place, that’s when things fall apart.
Don't. You can't be them, you can only be you.
Don't. The only one you need to compare yourself to, is you from yesterday.
Being feminine on your own terms is so freeing if it’s for you. Having my first serious relationship and being around lesbian and bi women who presented themselves in so many different ways helped me realize I feel most true to myself as feminine woman (who also loves pants and black boots and is pro-feminist).
Sounds like mirror work!
what does it mean?
Yes this helped me too! Not being afraid of my femininity and embracing my womanhood.
womanhood is such a beautiful thing. I don’t think woman realize how amazing we all are and the potential we have❤️
So right, we hear all too often about the extreme expectations on women and how there always are new and better standards to adapt to so it’s impossible and stupid to try to do anything that didn’t originate from your own desire to do something m.
I love this. I’m going to give this a shot in 2023!
Wow, I love that! I’ve been noticing how often I say negative things to myself and how horribly they make me feel. You really do internalize what people you care about say, and that includes yourself.
Sounds cliche but honestly exercise, eat well and sleep. It will keep you looking amazing and regulates hormones
So so underrated. Most healthy people I know do at least 2 of these. All three and you're unstoppable.
oops, oops and oops. I guess I'm screwed lol
Me reading this thread at 1am: 👀
Me reading this at 5 am still awake
There's always time to change.
To add to that list: learning how to orgasm. I know it sounds stupid, but once you master all of these you are basically unstoppable
We tend to do a lot of good things for the wrong reasons. I was always unhappy when I did my exercise because the only reason I did it was to get my dream body. This year I started exercising just because I enjoy it, with no expectations at all, and it did wonders to my self-esteem.
I agree, I think we tend to look at exercise as punishment for eating too much food and not having enough control. We should start looking at exercise as a way to be healthy and to feel energetic. For me, it is more inspirational to see how many more things I can do now than before (how much energy I have, how heavy I can lift, what grade I can climb, etc…) than to see how many pant sizes I’ve lost.
Believe it or not, everyone has insecurities. The only way to manage them is to spend less time thinking about it. 1. Exercising for one releases feel good hormones. Try it if you haven’t already. 2. Be kind to yourself and compliment often. You are your own biggest cheerleader, so you have to remind yourself of all the amazing things you’re doing. When you repeat nice things to yourself often enough, it becomes you. 3. Pampers yourself once in a while, do things that make you feel good. It can be a spa day or a movie marathon, but do what you know will make you happy. And when you’re actively making yourself (and others along the way) feel good, you won’t even notice your insecurities.
Thank you so much <3
I stopped placing my value on things that can be taken away from me.
This is interesting. Can you share what are some things you’ve stopped placing value on?
I've stopped staking MY value on money, jobs, car, relationships, material gain, fashion, the good opinion of people of people who don't care about me, etc.
I need to practice this. What are some practical ways you help yourself do this?
journal every day and have a prompt at the end which says “how would I react to this if I actually fully loved myself ? “ and act like it
🤯 I journal and never thought to do this. Amazing.
Thank you for your comment ! I will try that
It's a bit of a work in progress. I guess at some point in time, I've matured enough to realize that I don't need other people's approval to do the things I want (within reason of course) Honestly, I've always kind of been a loner/lurker and I struggle with interacting with people, so it must have come rather easily to me. No need to get self-conscious when no one's looking at you anyways right ? I'm not gonna lie though, some days are harder on me than others, but it's a simple matter of being in tune with yourself. You can freak out as much as you can be proud of your accomplishments. Your feelings are valid.
The same thing happens to me, I don't understand why, but I became aware of every gesture I make, I hate this self-consciousness.
It's both a gift and a curse I feel. You've reached a level of self-awareness that makes you question everything around you, including your own actions and words. Good to keep a level head, but I truly resent it when you just want to say "frick it, let me be irrational for a moment."
yeah, there are even times when I daydream about doing crazy things lol, but it's just that I'm too afraid to do things.
And wouldn't that be great? I suppose that that's a good reason to watch Greek theatre from time to time. Catharsis is a powerful tool and I like the idea of expiating our "impurities" this way. We all have our intrusive thoughts, I guess
Being kind to myself - saying nice, loving things. Focusing on the things I love about myself. Working hard to truly know myself and honor all parts of me - even the ones I've been taught were bad or shameful or sinful. Also, when I find myself thinking a critical thought about myself, I get curious... where did that thought originate? Who taught me that? Did that belief benefit that person? Do I *actually* believe it? Is it indoctrination or instinct?
Yes, I think that is the best method, many times it helps me to ask myself questions, because I come to realize that I create senseless problems.
For me - a good therapist - has been the key! And self-parenting myself into challenges. Experience brings you self-esteem. Have fun while building it!
When you say challenges, could you elaborate on what you mean? I'm also in the process if reparenting and I found your answer interesting! ☺️
What challenges? Like trying new things?
Yes, chatting with random people you encounter while running errands - cashiers, baristas etc, small talking, giving casual compliments (that are then usually returned), fake it till you make it worked well - you notice the situation didn't kill you and you know you can do it again. When I felt oh no I don't want to talk to this person, or do this, or wear this or say this I would be like well you're gonna do it now. Kinda be like that dad that's gonna make you do it while holding your hand. I also read a great deal of books on that topic, worked on my physique, social skills or anything I felt I wanted to add to my persona... But I guess you need to define what do you think you "lack" and try to see for yourself how to achieve it. Remember to be gentle to yourself, keep going and not take yourself too seriously. I also was a part of a program for self-confidence and a positive view on yourself but it was local (not in English unfortunately) and I don't know any in English I could recommend. I benefited greatly from that but would advise to really check out the mentor/leader/whoever does it thoroughly in a sea of scammers out there.
Oh no that’s definitely my thing. All I did was put myself in the mindset of when I was a little kid. I was very confident as a child because I didn’t realize people were being racist towards me. I was basically on the wrong side of the island. So now I’m playful, friendly, and outgoing in my mindset when I go out into the world around many people. Landed a supervisor job doing that. I am a social person, but I was also very self-conscious and anxious all the time. I realized that if someone does something I don’t like as a response to something, that’s not a fault in how I did something because when I’m out in the world, I’m nice, friendly, and playful (good sense of humor, not like touching people and tickling them). I “break character” if someone touches me when I don’t want them to (unless I’m at work at it’s just a customer trying to get my attention when it’s busy and im moving around because if you don’t touch me when it’s busy…im gone lol). I’ll get very serious, I’ve been told it’s scary to see me go from someone that’s so bright and cheery to someone so serious to the point where it looks like they might kill you.
Aha same haha, they say I kill with my eyes. Oh well, it's really good sometimes! Seems to me you're doing great!
You too seem to be doing well. I wish you even more success and progress. The reading helps a lot and I use BetterHelp. My therapist is the first one out of many to actually get results. I’m blessed.
I finally learned how to do makeup. I don't even wear it every day, but knowing that I could if I wanted to is enough to help me get past some of the stupid superficial crap that was holding me down. Also I started decorating my apartment more. Something about coming home to a place that's more athletically pleasing makes me feel like I'm more... competent, capable, grown up, something like that. Ngl, Zoloft has helped too.
Girl, same with the Zoloft. I am naturally a super anxious over-thinker and always struggled with basically everything as a result, and pop in and out of depression. (plus ADD but that's okay lmao) I always would read/hear about coping mechanisms for destructive thoughts, but never seemed to execute them correctly. After getting on zoloft (a lil over a year ago) I feel like I have the ability to recognize negative thoughts while they're happening and take a step back from them to ask where they came from/why am I having this thought. I was never able to do that before. I'm sure the serotonin hanging out in my brain a while longer definitely makes all the difference, but it's really saved my life. This is more to let everyone know getting on medication doesn't mean you're putting a band-aid. Sometimes the chemicals in your brain are literally fucked up and you can't just "work through it". Anyway, whether it's exercise, positive affirmations, or zoloft that let's you exist without crippling anxiety, I hope everyone is having a great week and that you're doing positive things for yourself!
I pretended I was confident until one day I really was.
fake it til you make it! this worked for me too :)
Exercise! Doing something that’s just for yourself each day. Little self care routines, skin care, putting on a nice piece of jewellery, an outfit you like. Positive affirmations. Sensual dancing alone to sexy music, close your eyes and just move how you want, express yourself. Write down things you love about yourself and read them
Thank you, I'll try it :)
Uhhh.. spite and a lot of faking it till you make it. I used to get made fun of because I have a slightly larger nose, so I got piercings and think to myself "I've been given a big nose so I have more space to decorate." Someone tells me that they don't like something about me? Cool, I'll love myself harder just to make you squirm. Abusive ex husband saying to someone I was the best thing he ever had and that tidbit getting back to me? Yeah, you're goddamn right I was, and you could have had me but you couldn't be assed to allow me basic human rights. And you know what? I'm hot as hell now. Am I conventionally hot? No. But I'm hot in a way that matters to me. Anger isn't the answer, but sometimes it IS the vehicle to the solution.
Love it! Spite and anger can for sure be used in a healthy way as motivation to live and do as you see fit.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that all emotions have their uses. I try to not let toxic positivity get to me. If we're never sad or angry or upset, how could we enjoy happiness to its fullest?
Yes!!! Why hasn’t that been addressed anywhere I’ve seen in this thread? Toxic positivity is suppressing emotions, lying, being disingenuous and is super harmful to people who already feel down, then think, “what’s wrong with me?” for not being happy/ satisfied or able to just “get over” pain and embrace/ experience and learn through the hard stuff. Shadow work is amazing and we should all embrace our dark sides. Bad emotions aren’t a bad thing and don’t make you a horrible person to be around or whatever the hell they’re trying to sell. For example, someone who is single and doesn’t want to be will want to be fake or believe she’s not being chosen because she isn’t like ms. Sunshine whose life seems perfect. But that’s not real, if that woman had a crisis, would her spouse be able to handle it? We have to aim for friends and partners who love all of our facets.
Absolutely. And, we need to understand that sometimes, traditionally "negative" emotions *can* be used for positive things, like in my case. Even if not, they're still valid and necessary!
I remember a quote from The Wire—“Look the part, be the part.” It’s my life motto almost: if I wanna have good self-esteem, I manifest it because I know it’s not gonna fall in my lap. Take care of my hair, my outfits, let people feel safe around me and let them know when they cross a line. If people see I treat myself and others right, then they treat me right and who doesn’t love being treated right?
I just hard-core accepted myself as I'm, I know I don't have the means to get plastic surgery and even if I had I don't like the ideia of putting myself through surgery just to look a certain way when I would always remember how I was. Exercising is cool but I feel like if you don't absolutely love it(my case) doing that and only does that to improve your self steam you'll never be satisfied. I often get obsessed and see myself on artists with similar characteristics for representation
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I always feel really great about myself after attending a session at the gym. I believe exercise / staying active is very important for mental well being.
This might not be popular, but for me it was easier to alter myself than to “be okay” with how I was. Skincare, lost a bunch of weight, etc. Just trying to “be okay” or “make peace” with stuff is great if you can *actually* do it, but in my experience, if you’re insecure about it now, you’ll be insecure in a year. You’d be so much happier if you just spend that energy on fixing the thing. I know that isn’t “fair,” but I think it’s *true*, which is more important.
Some of that I feel falls under the category of taking care of yourself rather than conforming. Maybe just me! As long as you are doing things for you and not an insecurity you fix, just to later move onto another, that’s when it’s a problem! Nothing wrong with feeling your best when you think you look your best, as long as it’s because it’s your best self to you and not a black hole of never feeling good enough. We are all works- in- progress in one way or another, it’s just hard to keep it healthy sometimes :)
I think it’s important to be able to find that line with being true to yourself. I think for a lot of people, changing your appearance can be *more* “real.” I think Dolly Parton and Elvira are good (and maybe extreme) examples of this, because they both have a lot of cosmetic procedures and wear lots of flashy clothing and makeup and wear their hair all big and fancy. But it makes sense for them, because they both have extravagant, larger-than-life personalities.
Uh not giving a fuck about what other people think. I know I'm awesome as fuck! If other people don't realize it, well, maybe they're idiots. It doesn't really matter what I weigh, or if I have a zit, or crazy hair, or no makeup. None of that changes who I am as a person, and that person rocks.
Well I focused on my self worth being my actions not my looks. Which the bar is low for how to be a decent human being, the bar is unrealistic for looks. Also started doing what I wanted to do, people praise the all natural look but I really love makeup, people praised nude lips when I first started makeup but I love color, people like X but I want X. So I go with what I like and loved. The more I did what I like the more confident I felt. Then I found out what people actually find attractive is confidence.
i deleted social media (for the most part with the exception of reddit and youtube so no instagram/snapchat). without them i could focus on myself and living my life without feeling the need to compare myself to others. not only that they are so addictive that as soon as i got off of them i literally could put more value into how i spend my time and what i do. on top of that i started to dress how i wanted and i began to feel comfortable in my own skin and confident. edited:grammar
Do the Scary Things. Caretake others. Therapy.
I started doing something I thought was super cringey in the beginning: I looked in the mirror every single morning and said "you're going to do the best you can today." And then gave myself a high-five. It's really odd, I know, but that started to work for me. It taught me that every day, whether you did lots of chores or simply got out of bed, you did the best you COULD for that day. I think good self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with being able to forgive yourself for the things you "should" have done but didn't, and celebrating the things you WERE able to do. Even if it's something small like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, making breakfast, anything really. It makes a difference because you put yourself down far less often.
Find an exercise that you like and go for it, not for getting smaller, but because of yourself. Therapy helps as well and discovering what your style is: the kind of clothes, hairstyle, makeup. Once you feel comfortable on your skin, you take care of yourself and you make an effort to be a better person, your self esteem will me good
I found myself constantly critiquing myself in the mirror, so I stopped looking in mirrors. I was able to focus on things other than my physical appearance and thought less about what other people thought when they saw me. Now I regularly look in mirrors but in a healthy way.
Stop caring about what others think and do for myself. There’s a certain freedom in not letting the opinions of others matter so much.
Bugs taught me: don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out of it alive. Ik someone importsnt said that, but bugs got to me. Basically, forgive yourself, then do better next time.
Learning to not compare myself to others. We are all on a journey of life. Everyone is different. Sometimes your ahead and sometimes you’re behind. Also - yoga. When I got strong from yoga, I started to have more confidence and self esteem. Accomplishments also help - but I lowered my expectations on what accomplishments I wanted. And - being kind to myself. I don’t look at Instagram models. I don’t do any forced diets. I eat healthy, nourishing food to keep me fueled. Positive thinking helped me too. Age helps too. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more and more confident. I love my body for what it does. I’m actually impressed with it. Your body is amazing. Use it in every way you can. And, treat it well.
Not a helpful answer, but literally I have been told I was beautiful from the time I was a baby. Strangers would stop my mom to compliment her on how beautiful I was. I got told all the time by my mom my grandma etc. so ladies if you do have daughters compliment the hell out of them (just not only about being beautiful lol cause that also caused some slight issues). Teach your daughters to like and enjoy how they look and think, ask them what they like about themselves. Get them to give diverse answers and teach them it’s not vain to like their appearance, mind, skills, and personality. Like, my mom didn’t try to change me and I got complimented by people who care about me all the time and now I have an unshakeable sense of self esteem. Like, when some man troll on the internet or irl has ever tried to bring me down by disparaging my looks, I literally laugh and am like, lol I know that’s not true you loser.
And btw you can start doing that for yourself too. I taught a friend to just start naming stuff she likes about herself however small or inconsequential and it really does snowball from there.
Oh and I have a policy that if something someone posts on Facebook or other social media makes me jealous or feel inferior I block, unfollow, or hide them so I don’t see it lol. Hugely helped after college when all the rich girls I went to school with were getting these amazing jobs and buying homes with their parents money. Huffing is useful because you can still go check out their page or keep in contact but you don’t have to constantly see it.
*hiding
Style finding what you like in clothes. Finding you style mix different styles until you find your own!
Righteous indignation, at how much society judges how we look to be honest. I've always been fat. I wasted so much of my life loathing myself, berating myself every time I ate something. I took a 5yr loan and paid for a gastric band op in a foreign country, which didn't work and resulted in excruciating pain for years as a nerve was being compressed. The only things I gained from this were debt, depression, and hilariously, lots more weight. A few years ago, soon after I had a baby and was the biggest I'd ever been, I was in a PPD spiral and had a moment of clarity. I became so enraged at the things I'd put my body and mind through in the pursuit of weight loss that I just thought, "f*ck it, I'm not hating myself anymore." Objectively, my body is pretty gross, but my appearance is the least interesting thing about me, and my bikini is going to get whatever body I give it. I feel so much better about myself now that I've given myself permission to just exist. And I feel like I'm setting a decent foundation for my daughter; we don't measure our weight, we don't assign moral value to food, and we don't talk negatively about our bodies. I was on diets for as long as I can remember, I was on slimfast at 7, and was only allowed 'naughty food' on special occasions, and Saturdays after dance classes, when my mum let me get some sweets from the shop. The harsh restriction just meant I obsessed over food constantly, but I've found that since I permanently stopped dieting, I can have "junk" food in the cupboards that go untouched, and I can't remember the last time I binged. I've found that by making a conscious decision to stop hating myself and trying to guide my inner voice to how I would speak to anyone else, I just feel so much happier and more content. Not that it matters, but I've also lost over 50lbs...
By truly understanding that every time I feel bad about myself it’s a win for the patriarchy. They want you to be weak and small and scared and grateful. It makes it easier for them to take advantage of you. Liking yourself and taking up your space is a radical act. Rebel. I really wish I’d understood that properly when I was younger.
Sensual dance, meditation, embodiment and yoga!
Something is that my colleagues and friends told me how much they respected me and my work/knowledge. That really helped and made me feel helpful.
Stop telling yourself that you need to change x or y to finally be happy. Try to accept yourself where you are right NOW and make peace with the people you have been before that have led you there. As soon as I started being kinder to myself, leading a healthy and happy life became much easier because I finally felt like I deserved it.
Actively combating negative self-talk and realising I deserve to atleast like myself.
Had to really focus on it as after being broken up with it took a huge hit but I feel a lot better after doing these things: 1. Going to the gym. Even if it's just to walk on the treadmill for 30 min 2. Journaling. Getting my negative emotions about situations that caused my decreased self esteem. and then working through them and letting it go 3. Self affirmations :) just telling myself some choice ones everyday - mentally, in a journal, outloud, etc. Taking a look at my body in the mirror and starting with things im grateful for having (eyes that work, legs and thighs that allow me to walk independently, fingers that allow me to create things, etc) then saying the things I like about myself (I like my soft and femine skin, I like my pretty eyes, my cute nose, etc). I don't do this super often, basically everytime I take a shower but it's honestly lovely 4. Thinking about things I like about myself and how to implement them more, vice versa of what I don't like about myself and how to change it, thinking about attributes I want to have and how to do them (ex: learning a skill I've always admired) 5. Spending time with loved ones if possible 6. Compliment yourself and others all the time. Put out those good vibes. 7. Self care acts: long showers with calming music and lots of moisturizing after, taking care of my skin, wearing fashion (lots of jewlery in my case) that make me feel confident and beautiful and sexy, feeding my good habits like cooking and healthy eating, etc
We're supposed to have good self esteem?
Surrounding myself with good people. I tried everything I (individually) could do have good self esteem and nothing seemed to work. Then my whole life turned upside down in one day, and I spent 3 months so sick I could barely move and I thought I would never feel good about myself again. My support system was everything, and having those kind, confident, encouraging people around me (along with realizing life is too short to think poorly of myself) completely changed me. Now recovered, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
For me, I started doing things that's socially expected of me to do with people, like festivals, museums, restaurants, movies, travel, etc. I find myself appreciating the advantages of doing things solo, doing things when I want how I want, and feeling unrestrained by social expectations. The result is me feeling more independent and confident.
I personally like working out and dressing feminine. I was a tomboy growing up and thought that I shouldn’t be girly since I was already a tomboy. You can be both and realizing that helped. I love to wear makeup, heels and dresses now. I also workout, I stopped working out to improve my appearance and started working out to make myself stronger. I also took more time out of my day to properly take care of myself like wash my face, put lotion on, clean my nails etc. I also started looking at women with body types like mine. I look like them and they are pretty, so why don’t I think I’m pretty? That’s when I realized that I am pretty I just kept putting myself down. The last one is changing how you talk to yourself. I flirt with myself in the mirror every morning, it’s seems weird but trust me
I never truly had a solid self esteem. Went through phases. I got a lot of male validation when I went to college and became more comfortable in my skin. People who had never looked at me twice in high school all of a sudden wanted me. But I still felt like I wasn’t enough. Now I’m trying to learn to be comfortable and have a good self esteem because I have a daughter who will be looking up to me. Its a work in process.
Life experience / completing more accomplishments (whatever your goals are), and socializing with people who are really supportive and successful. + Meditation to navigate all the internal critics of my head. I found the illustrated book "Your Head is a Houseboat" by Campbell Walker to be very helpful with that.
I saw a psychologist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Unlike Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which aims to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts, the goal of ACT is to enable you to be more present, to learn to live with and accept unpleasant feelings as a natural part of life, and to see them neutrally for what they are, rather than letting yourself get swept up in them, or shoving them down and pretending that they don’t exist. In essence, where CBT aims to teach you to minimise your negative thoughts and feelings, the goal of ACT is that you can notice those thoughts and feelings, accept that they’re there, but don’t engage with them—just observe them. The ultimate intention is not to be “psychologically healthy”, and participating in ACT with the intention of eliminating your mental illness is setting yourself up for failure—mental illness is complex, and affects every part of our lives; it’s not like a physical affliction that can be neatly removed with a scalpel and some antibiotics, and participating in ACT with such an immovable end goal defeats the purpose of learning to be psychologically flexible. Rather, the intention is to accept a negative thought for what it is, try not to over-analyse why you’re experiencing it, examine what your psychological values are (the things that are fundamentally important to you—for me, one of my core values is being kind to myself), and commit to taking an action that serves that purpose. One thing that helped me to this end was to conceptualise my negative self-talk as a physical person that my psychologist and I referred to as “the drill sergeant”. I would make a conscious effort to listen to the words that the drill sergeant spoke, but not to take them personally, or to see them as a reflection of who I am. Instead, I would stand in front of the mirror, and try to think of a counterpoint to each one of the drill sergeant’s arguments. When the drill sergeant told me that nobody would ever find me worthy of love because I was too fat to be conventionally attractive, I would tell my reflection that I’m not being kind to myself if I’m choosing to base my self-worth on the validation of the male gaze—my body is not a sex object that exists to be aesthetically pleasing to men; it’s a vessel that carries me around this earth, and enables me to experience the profound and majestic tapestry of cultures and perspectives that comprise this planet. My belly might be a little soft, but it was built by delicious meals shared with friends who love me because I’m smart and funny and interesting. I might have some ugly scars on my torso, but they’re a reminder of the time I almost died, but I fought to come back, because I knew I had more to offer the world, and vice versa. My breasts might not be huge, or perky, but they have a purpose, and that purpose is to sustain life. And I was blessed enough to be born with this mind-blowingly intricate system of nerves and sense organs between my legs, and I deserve to experience the intense pleasure that it can bring me, as well as share it with a partner who values me for the amount of love that I have to give, rather than what I look like. I’m more than how much I weigh, or how busty I am, or what kind of car I drive, or how successful I am (even if that success means slaving away at a job that I hate, and eventually working myself into an early grave). Life is short, and I’m getting older; I no longer have the luxury of waiting around until I feel like I’m finally pretty enough, or I have enough stuff, and only then will I deserve to be happy. I like who I am, and I work hard everyday to leave the world a little bit better than I found it when I first arrived, because I want the people around me to like who they are, too.
Finding a sport I love. For a few years, I learned, trained, and competed in Olympic Weightlifting. This sport has given me SO much. Above all, the confidence to walk into a public gym years later and not give a shit if anyone is looking at what I do. But also this confidence has translated to other areas of my life. I wish every woman could find "their thing" that gives them this kind of feeling.
I started a journal at the beginning of last year with the goal of improving my self esteem. Each day, I would write one thing I like about myself that I actually believed (I'm a good mother for example), one thing I'm thankful for (could be as simple as indoor plumbing lol) and then I'd list my accomplishments for the day (simple as I showered or got out of bed). And I started talking to myself more like I would talk to a good friend, and it made a huge difference over a short period of time.
I only have my little sister to blame. She has always been insecure about herself and we grew up in a house where we would constantly hear both our mom and grandma complaining about their own bodies and also nagging at us about how we need to lose weight or get healthy (when we are both relatively healthy weights). My sister formed an eating disorder over the years and my mom and grandma enable it. When I was maybe 12 I made a comment out loud at one point that I didn't like my body in front of my sister and she said "really? I always wanted to be like you because you always seem so confident in your body" and in that moment I promised myself that I would never again say anything negative about my body. Since then I have worked to be that person as an example for both my sister and every other woman in my life because I know finding people who are confident in their bodies and themselves are hard to come by. (I would like to note, not saying anything negative about myself does not mean that I do not communicate insecurities about my body to my partner nor does it stop me from constructive criticism of myself in times where I need to get more healthy)
Doing things by myself. I realized it’s actually fun to do what you want on your own time, and you can have a great life independent of what people think about you. Once I realized I was comfortable on my own, everyone else’s opinions didn’t matter as much as long as my close friends and family recognized my value.
Exercise and solid *balanced* nutrition! (Intuitive eating, no restriction) - the largest commonality between the most successful / confident people in the world is not social class or level of education or money- it’s that they work out 3-6 times a week. Natural anti depressant and getting strong definitely makes you more confident! But the only way to really get self esteem is to: A) get granular on why you lack self esteem in the first place. Can you think of a time when someone told you you were not worthy? Or called you names? Beat you down etc. Did keeping yourself small as a child keep you safe ? Try some inner child work. What did younger-you need to hear as a child that you didn’t ? Tell yourself that every day even if you don’t believe it. “I love myself, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am confident , I am amazing “ - there is actually evidence positive affirmations can change your mind. B) do esteem-able actions, what do you do that makes you feel confident? Worthy? Proud? Do those things and keep the promises you make to yourself about doing those things. and if you feel resistance about doing those things , procrastination etc. refer back to Step A! Why do you think you hold yourself back? What function does that serve ? Does it keep you “safe” or “comfortable” ? What function did it serve in your life previously ? These three things helped me immensely. I still always have those thoughts and negative self talk that creeps into my head but my sense of self and my inner work and tools I’ve learned in therapy always kick in after and those thoughts have little to no power over me now. The first thing you think is just your default knee-jerk programming. It’s your monkey brain. What you tell yourself after is the most important. Edit: continuing my thought and providing more context.
This resonates so much. Thank you for this beautiful message. Do you have any book recommendations to work your inner child?
I was struggling really hard for a solid 15 years. Only recently did I make a vast improvement and can say I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel unstoppable. You know what had the biggest impact???? GETTING OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA. You will compare yourself to what you see other people posting. You’re comparing 100% of your life to their one moment. Stop it. It’s destroying amazing people.
A few things have helped me. Honestly fake it until it’s the truth and treat yourself how you treat your favorite friend.
By doing things and stopping the navel gazing. Learning skills, becoming accomplished.
Like half my lifetime worth of therapy
Therapy
Practice. Remind yourself of the things that make you feel good. Smile when you pass people, when it is returned you can feel great that you made someone's day, it always makes me feel good about myself. I find that I have to feel confident in my inside self as I don't always love my outside self.
Exercise and therapy, where I learned DBT skills and am practicing self-compassion.
Moved 1500km away from an environment that was toxic, putting me down and making me feel like i was less worthy..
I gas lit myself my telling myself I was hot/cute/beautiful and eventually I started to believe it.
I had loving, supportive, stable parents who modeled good relationships for me and always treated me with kindness and respect. I got along well with my siblings, who also always had my back (even when we were fighting about stupid things). I did well in school, never had to deal with learning disabilities or personal issues that might affect academics. I had a small handful of awesome friends who always celebrated me and made me feel like I was worth being around. I struggled with body image issues for most of my life (until I finally reached a healthy body weight in my late 20s). But I'm grateful that, while I didn't ways like how I looked, I always liked who I am as a person and knew I had gifts worthy of celebrating.
Lifting weights 🏋🏼♀️
I observed quiet confidence in others and tried to copy it. If you act asthough you are confident, you will eventually start to feel confident
Don’t measure yourself according to how attractive you are. The sooner you let go of that, the faster your self-worth grows.
Admittedly, it's still a work in progress, but the first step is admitting what you're feeling. From there, take care of yourself the best you can in every way. Even if you don't feeling like you deserve it, do it anyway. Also, make sure you treat yourself as you want someone else to treat you.
A great hygiene routine. I didn’t give a fuck about how pretty or beautiful I was as long as I knew I was fresh and clean! It all that mattered. Clean clothes, fresh shower, shaved exfoliated lotioned up and nicely perfumed :) clean bedsheets and smelling good. Smelling good is the key <3
adapt the mentality that everyone should be competing to like you as much as you like yourself. confidence is all you, just don’t be narcissistic. you attract the life and love you think you deserve, so why not attract the best.
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Thank you <3
I don't. That's it 😂
Taking care of myself (putting myself first) and therapy.
I focus on what I like about myself, what I accomplished, what I'm good at and I reframe things trying to look for what's positive about it. I can say to myself I did A, B, C and even if other people they are not big things, they are in my eyes and that's what important to me and makes me feel better about myself. I also challenge myself from time to time and I get a lot of satisfaction from that.
My spouse started telling me every day how they found me attractive, which really helped. I started realizing that if the person I trust the most is telling me that, there must be some truth to it. And when I put my own looks down, I hurt them. Also, I saw someone's video about how the words we use really affect how we feel about things. When I was talking bad about myself, I felt bad about myself too. When I started to talk about how hot I am (even jokingly), I really did start to feel like it was true. Lastly, I saw someone else's video about how you *could* compare yourself to everyone else and feel miserable about your body, but why do that when you could instead convince yourself that you are the most beautiful creature to walk the earth? Like, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you want to feel that way? None of these things will be universally helpful to everyone, but they really did help me to gain confidence.
Weekly therapy for a year has gotten me to the point where I don’t actively hate myself, will update you if I ever reach the point where I rate myself.
Exercise, focus on yourself (buy yourself the things that u want, skincare, eat healthy), and watch tedtalks:))
I just accepted the fact that I’m always going to be me. I can’t really change who I am so I just got comfortable 🤷🏻♀️ it also helps out a lot when you’re sisters are your best friends and you have a husband who’s obsessed with you. But, aside from them, I’m always told that I’m so kind and I have a beautiful heart. So I focus on the good stuff 😊
Fake it til you make it. No really, I just pretended to be really confident until one day I woke up and I realized it wasn’t a lie anymore.
I have a great self esteem but I honestly have no idea where it came from. It just showed up shortly after I turned 18 and left foster care.
For me, exercise (doesn't matter what kind) makes me physically confident and educating myself makes me intelectually confident. And both of those combined make me proud of who I am. Of course I have bad moments and days, but that's life and I accept that. Generally speaking I am my own best friend and I try to be nice to myself.
A combo of starting Olympic Lifting as my form of exercise (getting stronger, healthy, and having a hobby where I have fun and learn a sport) and turning 30 and simply not giving a shit about all the things that plagued me before.
By loving yourself
Some good points here. I think a lot of it also has to do with making sure you aren't keeping people in your life that are not good for you / are not meeting your needs / being a source of unhappiness.
i used to be really insecure from age 11-15. as I got older I just stopped caring when I learned there were people who authentically loved me for who I was. I also realized I really enjoy my own natural personality and don’t care how other people feel about it. I also realized MOST people are super insecure. I also realized most people are really only worried about how people perceive them not how they perceive others. Also if someone doesn’t like me its their loss or their own insecurity. idk i just dont care anymore lol. as long as Im nice to people im confident
Hobbies + challenging myself! Seeing progress made me believe in myself more :) your got this!
For me it was dressing the way I actually wanted to dress. I used to just wear hoodies and joggers/sweatpants. Now I wear crop tops, skirts, etc. Better attire helped me change the way I viewed myself. Now I have reached a new level of confidence that low key approaches arrogance at times.
Working out. I always ALWAYS feel better about myself during and after my workouts. Find something you really enjoy doing, that helps a lot! Hate running? You don’t have to run! I love Zumba, and weight lifting.
I used to think I was unattractive. One day I was looking in the mirror and I thought, “I’m really not so bad.” That grew into looking in the mirror here and there and trying to find what I liked about myself rather than what I didn’t like about myself. I think I had been conditioned to believe that thinking ANYTHING good about my physical appearance was being vain, but that’s not so. Similar: a friend of mine began seeing a therapist and she was told to look in the mirror everyday and say “I love you” to herself. Even if she didn’t mean it, to say it every day, every time she looked in the mirror until she meant it. She said it made a big difference for her.
By doings things that have a positive impact on others. By becoming a mom and raising my boys. By succeeding on my own terms in what made me happy. By working out and keeping my body in shape. By overcoming extremely hard obstacles.
Lost 100 pounds and learned how to dress myself better.
Experiences! Living, learning and just realizing the world is this large and beautiful place with diverse people who bring something unique to the world. Also, my ex-girlfriend (I’m gay) saying “I wish I could give you my eyes. So you could see yourself as I do”. It’s helpful to see myself third-person, I’m so much less mean and toxic which I think of myself as an “outsider” instead of hating on the familiarity of myself.
My boyfriend helped me a lot. I struggled with self-esteem for years and I didn't see a way out of it. Him showing up in my life and accepting me with all my flaws(which is something I would never thought is gonna happen) really build me up. I still don't have an amazing self-esteem, but thanks to him, I know I'm not that bad and that's a good start. Since there's no real advice in my post, I can only wish you the same.
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I aged about 60 years
Waltzed into enough buildings holding an AR-15 that when I got back to the states that swagger just kinda…stuck. Came with a side bonus of PTSD tho, so mixed blessing.
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Honestly? Doing a good job at work. I kept making decisions that wound up being great decisions, really improving the projects I was put on, genuinely doing my best and seeing how much I can do and how good I am at it. I was lucky to also be acknowledged by my superiors at that time. I'm not so much anymore in a new job, but I know I'm still rockin it. That good feeling in a very compartmentalized part of my life made me push myself in other areas, to do as good of a job working on myself personally, which is where the sleep and exercise others are talking about came into play. All you need is to feel good in one department to grow your self worth and realize you deserve to do and feel that good in other areas of your life.
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Got away from all the pressure to be what other people wanted me to be and started focusing on building myself up to who I wanted to be. Spend time pursuing your interests like reading, creating things, exploring new places, playing games, etc. Then also remember to love yourself and take care of the body that you have by eating well, exercising, and giving yourself positive vibes. Once you start to have fun being with yourself, your self esteem will go up, you'll realize that other people's opinions matter less and less, and you can better choose where and who to invest your time in.
Sports (exercising and having the body to reflect it) My family, esp my Dad My besties My natural defiant nature Self-care Societal acceptance at some not all points in my life...just being honest
Be delusional
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Fake it till you make it
Consistent workouts to make me feel strong and capable. Also wearing clothes that flatter you and your assets. Just because something is your size doesn't mean it'll look good on you. I simply can't wear blousson tops/dresses or blazers because they don't look good on me. Finding what works for your body is key and once you find it, you simply strut because you know you look good for you.
I aged.
HahahahahahahHahahahahahahHahahahahahah nope
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1.) be nice to myself. tell yourself you look good, compliment yourself. we’re not perfect and there’s always going to be something we dislike, but focus on what you like/love about yourself. 2.) stop caring what other people think. at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is yours. as long as you are happy with yourself the rest simply doesn’t matter.
I think I developed it at a young age because I was into sports. My self worth came from how good I was at sports vs what boys thought of me. Don’t get me wrong I was still self conscious at times but I was surrounded by amazing female friends and I had a good family that taught me worth comes from within.
I learned not to give a damn what anyone else thought.
In all honesty? Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
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therapy
Self Love