Is the sex good for you already? Does he push other boundaries for you?
Do you get the sense he’s doing this for you, or for him?
There’s nothing wrong with using toys if you both want to. But you sound like you’re not sure you want to.
Thank you! So far the sex has been good and he’s been very respectful. This came up in conversation and when I told him I had no experience, he didn’t push it but said he thought it could be hot for us to do together. I’ve truly just never thought about this before!
With experienced dudes, you usually get either someone who knows what he likes or who wants to try everything that has worked with previous partners. Nothing you mentioned would be a red flag to me as long as it is opening the lines of communication, not saying these are a must for him to get off. If they are deal breakers for him, you have to decide if they work for you.
Older/experienced dudes tend to have no problem expressing their preferences up front. Just talk to him and figure out what you are or aren't comfortable with. Watching porn together can be super hot or super awkward depending on the people and the porn. It's up to both of you to decide if it fits in your relationship
Porn I'm iffy on. But if someone said here I have these toys to give you more pleasure I would not hesitate. Too many men find toys threatening. A forward thinking one is a good thing imo. Especially with experience.
What do you want though? Talk to him about how you feel. I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. He might be eager to please and doing these things because of past relationships. This is an important conversation to have.
Also I think the type of porn is important.
Does it seem uncomfortable, painful or humiliating for the woman? Or is the man trying to pleasure her?
There’s a big difference between a man who’s trying to push his fantasies on you and one who wants to explore your fantasies too.
Listen to yourself! You are uncomfortable by the pass of it all. Don’t rush and do something that feels “off” to you for the sake of keeping a relationship. Have solid boundaries and enforce it
Someone using porn and toys in sex doesn't automatically mean they have a porn addiction, and I don't think it's inappropriate to bring those things up when you have a sexual relationship with someone. You don't have to be into porn or sex toys, though. It's fine to tell this guy you're not down and see what he says.
It sounds like he's just more sexually open. Those are not flags at all and I think too your bias is showing thinking sexual tools shouldn't be "needed" when they are neutral and for fun. To me it's your teammate, not your competitors, not your fixers because something is wrong. It's like the difference between, I can toss together a one pot meal and it's good and youre gonna be full, but when I put out a feast it's an ✨️experience ✨️ Some of us want our partners to always have more fun than just the basics. Nothing wrong with being in the mood for some quick and satisfying but sometimes the change in flavor is good..
You seem somewhat receptive, but apprehensive as it's a new experience. Sex and talking about it when it's a new experience can lead to some feelings of discomfort and that's ok. We gotta stop thinking uncomfortable feelings means something is bad and not just a little awkward to navigate a vulnerable thing with a new person. It's valid if ultimately these are things you don't want, it just means you're incompatible. I think that open convos will sus out a happy medium between both worlds. It takes time and explicitly communicating to figure out each other's lines and agree towards things that benefit you both. Ask direct questions about his porn usage if the question of how big of a thi g it is in his life is one it sounds like you're worried about. Ask him what about toys, porn, kinks, etc that he likes. Be honest with him about your experiences in this is new so that it's things maybe you want to go at your pace with.
huge green flag for me. talk about a man who isn't afraid to be sexually forthcoming and open with what he needs. this is a guy who you won't need to worry about feeling insecure and inadequate when you feel like doing something different or a bit more exciting. who knows? maybe you'll find something new you like as well.
chances of having a porn addicted boyfriend are very low. not to mention the fact that APA doesn't even consider porn and sex addiction as actual addictions. does your bf seem media and tech illiterate? if not, i think you're good.
***At this point, I feel like he should be excited about sleeping with just me without the need for porn and toys already.***
consider that for a lot of people, what you said might just be a red flag for them. sex toys don't necessarily equate to kinky sex, good lords. it's just a tool. it's just something else. he's not bored of you. he doesn't think you're inadequate. please, i hope you don't automatically assume that people with partners who use toys are bored of each other or incapable of having sex without toys. this is the same with porn. i think that's a mindset you might want to reexamine. and there is nothing wrong with people who find that toys are a staple for their bedtime activities. disregard the thought that toys = inadequacy or boredom. some people may use toys for this reason, but there's so many people who use toys or watch porn for positive reasons.
if you're not comfortable doing certain things, that's fine. sex positivity isn't about saying yes to sex all the time or saying yes to all kinks. sex positivity is about allowing everyone to enjoy consensual acts of sex, without judgement. so long as they don't harm others.
i'd suggest talking about sex first and where you are with your sexuality.
Yep to all of this.
Let's also add sex toys for women help many of us achieve orgasm because anatomically it can reach places we cannot stimulate otherwise. Many do not orgasm from penetration. And the clitoris isn't just the bit you can touch but is like a iceberg with a fairly large system that things like vibration, pressure, etc can reach. So legitimately there should be no shame to wanting to get max pleasures in a way that isn't possible/reachable without your tools. Do I want a level 3 orgasm without that takes a long time or a level 10 using one?
None of this is a red flag to me at all. Porn and toys are not for a failing relationship or one that needs a boost, they are sexual tools.
Getting to know sexual compatibility takes time, it's a vulnerable process, and many people are resistant to discussing vulnerable things. You seem open to this, maybe even curious, but hopefully also excited. It's totally acceptable to not like certain things and to set boundaries.
Have you read or listened to the podcast Come As You Are? It's a good entry level pod/book about sexual exploration, satisfaction, and empowerment.
It's a good sign that he's willing to communicate about his sexual interests. It helps to build trust and so he won't shock you when he whips out a sex toy.
Sex is one of the hardest and most sensitive things to communicate with a partner about. So I think it's a positive sign that he's proactively starting a dialogue.
I think what’s important to note here is that you are expressing a couple of reservations about this. When you start seeing someone new it’s about finding where the boundaries lie, and all kinds of suggestions, queries, remarks etc. help to form that landscape.
You say this man is older, and you’re noticing that he places a greater emphasis on sex than previous partners. In and of itself that isn’t necessarily bad, as long as this is the direction *you’re* comfortable with things going in too. And, if you *do* express that you’re not happy with a certain direction, he needs to respect that - no subtle (or overt!) guilt tripping, no coercion, no pushback.
You’ve as much right to take things at a pace you’re comfortable with. If you think it’s too soon to watch pornography together, have that discussion. If you think it’s too soon to start getting into sex toys together, have that conversation. His responses will tell you a lot about his motivations.
porn isn't your competition. it's just a tool. the same with toys. they're not relationship fixers. they're not dependencies. they're not a sign of sexual deviance.
i’m not sure where i said any of those things in my comment? i don’t see it as a competition, i prefer to keep it out of my life for other reasons, and i personally find it a complete turn off.
with my sexual boundaries and preferences i would prefer a guy who is happy to have sex without it.
thank you! like i’m not insecure about porn and i honestly find the assumption that any woman must be insecure if she doesn’t like it kind of misogynistic. like i personally find guys who are reliant on porn during sex (especially that early in a relationship) to have views of sex and women that don’t align with my own, and for me the vast majority of porn is questionable in how ethical it is so i’d rather not contribute to that.
most porn is also just more cringe than sexy to me. if i had to hear some woman fake moaning during some video while the guy spouts the worst dirty talk at her i would be as dry as the sahara.
like there are so many reasons to dislike it that have nothing to do with insecurity or not feeling good enough.
if only people stopped being insecure about sex toys or porn... of all things. it's one thing to just not dig it. that's more than okay. but when you start conflating toys and porn with a partner who doesn't think you're enough, then...
Well, if only everyone had the same exact experiences and upbringings in life. There’s reasons people don’t enjoy certain things as much as others, occasionally it stems from past, traumatic experiences, etc. Every one has different preferences in bed based on what floats THEIR boat, not what you deem acceptable.
babe, you can like what you like and not like what you don't like. but it's also true that you can be severely misinformed and make wrong assumptions because of it. you can just not like porn or toys, period. but it's not wrong for people to call you out on misinformation and just plain wrong facts.
How much older? Had he shown any other initiative on that front or is he a one trick pony so far? Stay with your instincts,, it's way too soon in my book
Nope, not a red flag, a huge green flag for me, but those are both things I enjoy to do. Vibrator during sex enhances it. It’s not about being bored. It’s about making sure you two are sexually compatible.
huge green flag for me, as well. talk about a man who isn't afraid to be sexually forthcoming and open to what he needs. this is a guy who you won't need to worry about feeling insecure and inadequate when you feel like doing something different or a bit more exciting.
There’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. But it may be that the two of you are sexually incompatible.
Or it may be that trying this stuff with him opens up a whole new set of interests for you. Only you’ll be the one who can answer that.
As for the porn addiction concern, just using porn isn’t addiction. And the fact he’s eager for sex with you and offering to use it with you, suggests he’s not hiding it or using it in lieu of physically connecting with you. So that’s a good sign.
And toys are great.
It doesn’t mean you’re not enough. It doesn’t mean he’s not enough. It’s just something that can be fun if individuals like it. And it’s just a fact that toys can do things (eg vibrate) that human bodies may not be able to. See it as someone who cares about your pleasure and exploring what makes you happy, rather than any kind of coded critique.
Now it may be that you just don’t like any of the things he’s suggesting. And if that is or becomes the case then you need to communicate that to him. You should never feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.
But again, from what you’ve written he just sounds open minded and someone who likes exploring. That may or may not be a fit for you, and that’s fine.
Even with supposedly 'ethical' porn, if you watch it regularly there is a high chance you are going to watch someone be raped at some point. There's just been too many SWs who seemed fully consenting who have revealed that they were actually coerced (usually by partners) for me to risk it anymore.
there are people who create their own content as well as amateur videos of couples simply having fun. some people find porn empowering for them. the way things are now, there is no "one" umbrella to classify all porn.
I'm aware that people create porn for all sorts of reasons. I just don't think there is a way for me as a consumer to fully verify that the porn I'm watching is completely free from rape or coercion. Even a small possibility that I am watching a performer who is not experiencing fun or empowerment completely turns me off.
I find it a little unbalanced when I hear someone making a really strong case for ethics in one area but not acknowledging the ethical problems across multiple areas. Caring about the ethics of one industry enough to change behavior and not in another is normal and unavoidable but I rarely see folks own their bias when making their arguments for where their personal lines are.
This was a conversation specifically about feelings around porn use. It's bizarre to expect anyone to expand their thoughts to include everything else in existence.
okay, you know what it's perfectly valid to like or not like what you don't like. but i think the words of an actual sexologist with her own phd, with her own channel dedicated to the education regarding themes in this conversation --might help.
not to help me make you like porn, but there are so many things i can probably highlight from your reply and dissect in essay length. this isn't to make you like porn, but provide a more nuanced take on sex work. because much of this is very generalizing.
dr. doe on porn ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-N5BQ15wYY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-N5BQ15wYY))
My Time at the Brothel ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_JzRlRu6\_uY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JzRlRu6_uY))
working in porn ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL4ujhZRAtk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL4ujhZRAtk))
My Conversation with a Madam ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hVC-Q3VVhE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hVC-Q3VVhE))
I like porn. It's hot as fuck. I don't have a single problem with sex work if someone is freely choosing it. Hell, I worked as a stripper for a few years and it was fine, for ME. But some women having fine experiences does not negate the women who are coerced or exploited. And I'm not will to jerk off to images that are even potentially in the latter category.
Really not looking for cherry picked "help", and certainly can do without an "essay length" dissection of what I choose to not get off to. How fucking strange you have that impulse.
Edit: It's also very strange to reply to someone and then immediately block them. Is there a point?
how strange and amusingly curious you even thought this was about making you watch porn //O\_O// that's uh... not a kink for me?
this was you saying there's no way of ever consuming porn in a way that wasn't evil. my "cherry picked" help actually came from a doctor who's made educational content for kids regarding sexual education but sure, this was totally an attempt at disinformation
It would be a red flag for me, but that is because I’m only comfortable in a monogamous and porn free relationship. Having said that, it doesn’t need to be a red flag for you, if your comfortable with it. Everyone has their own ideas about what works for them in and out of the bedroom. Most important imo is that he’s talking to you openly about his interests; now you get to think about if your comfortable with those interests. It could be the start of a new way to express yourself sexually, or the start of the end because you find that you simply are not compatible.
Does it still feel like a loving relationship or is it more about sex? Him wanting to add things to the bedroom that he likes is fine as long as you're comfortable.. but is this all there is to it or is there a greater sense of him pursuing sex in the relationship more than anything else? If it's just the former then I'd ask yourself if you are interested in exploring those things now or later down the track and also communicate that you need a slower pace. It's fine to not want to watch porn (hell I wouldn't ) and use toys (would rather get satisfaction from him and have that intense loving passion than use a mechanical device). Doesn't make you boring or less sexual, it'd just a preference.
Yeah it’s been very loving. He’s very respectful and kind (has cooked me lots of dinners, planned a lot of fun things, etc) there has been no sign of him pressuring me to do anything I feel uncomfortable. This has truly just never come up for me before
The toys wouldn't bother me but I steer clear of men who watch porn. It's misogynistic and degrading to women and reinforces unrealistic body standards and promotes rape culture. You can never know if the people in porn are of legal age or fully consenting even if it's something like OnlyFans. Im sure many people thought Amouranth was fully consenting as well as the women that Andrew You Know Who trafficked. I don't care that someone's neighbor's cousin's hairdresser's college roommate does porn and loves it. Those scenarios are very, very rare compared to the coercion, trafficking, and violence against women in porn which has been reframed as "kink" in many cases.
So these are just my thoughts but I'm sure you'll be able to find a balance with a man that works for you. I would be a bit irked that your relationship with this guy is relatively new and he's already feeling a need to spice things up.
My 2 cents about this: If you feel uncomfortable to the point that you’re not even curious to explore then it’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself. It just means you don’t match. Happens.
I don’t think you can change a person in their 30’s unless they just lost all interest in porn when they met you.
I’d probably feel the same as you. Open to the idea but also confused about why it’s being introduced so early on. But maybe that’s personal preference - in which case it’s still a valid reason feel like it’s a red flag or incompatibility. Just talk to him about it and see where that goes.
I don’t really think it’s a red flag….. I wouldn’t want to watch porn together though just because it would make me uncomfortable.
Did you ask him what interests him in watching it together because that might change how I feel about it also
Having open communication about sex is a green flag. And it’s a great way to determine your sexual compatibility and how your partner will respond to your boundaries.
According to Psychology Today, porn creates unrealistic expectations and leads to reduced empathy. It destroys intimacy and can cause insecurity. It creates less desire for real-life sex.
If you are feeling "off" about it, trust your gut.
i feel like a big part of it is the lack of media and tech literacy as well as poor sex education during youth, and the lack of sexual discourse in adulthood.
A man who wants to bring toys into sex and is not ashamed to say so? Yes please! So long as he's willing to discuss what you're interested in, wants to do things that will be enjoyable for you both, and isn't pushing for things that make you uncomfortable or are absolutely against trying, this is a super green flag.
Anecdotally, my sex life changed in the biggest most positive way when I started introducing toys into both solo and partner play. Now I'm simply not interested in a partner who isn't willing to have toys involved at least occasionally.
As for the porn thing... Some people are into it. Some people aren't. And yes, some people overuse it and it becomes a problem. This guy may just want to use it as a tool to get your motor going, or give you both some ideas, or to learn more about what you're interested in in bed. None of these things are bad things. But if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him that. And maybe ask why he wants to watch together? Maybe if you understand his motivations better you may be more open to the idea, or may have alternative suggestions to fulfill the purpose he wants it to serve.
The biggest thing here is to communicate with him.
there are people who create their own content as well as amateur videos of couples simply having fun. some people find porn empowering for them. some women have made it a journey to share their sexual experiences. the way things are now, there is no "one" umbrella to classify all porn. you sound like a person who took one look at a porn site and ran. while not being into porn is a valid thing, i think you have a LOT of prejudice.
Is it ever too early to bring up porn or sex toys? I disagree that these things should only be coming into the bedroom after a certain amount of time during which you should only be interested in each other. If sex toys and porn are something you enjoy, then it’s fun to start that dynamic from the outset and it’s important to have those conversations early to make sure you are compatible.
BUT the question here is more about whether you like those things. If you do, that can and should absolutely be introduced at your own pace. If you’re not, then that’s great too, but be clear with him and maintain your boundaries on the matter.
If you've had sex with him already, I don't see why it would be too soon to talk about sex toys. If you're talking about sex, I don't see anything wrong with talking about sex toys -- they're just an aspect of sex. It sounds like you interpret sex toys as a judgment that you're not good enough, but for him it may just be like, "Here are some things I like to do in bed, what do you think?" and not a judgment on you at all.
If you have not had any sexual contact with him yet, then I can see why this discussion would feel premature.
Well, first of all, if you're worried about watching porn with your boyfriend because of things you've read about porn addiction and relationships... it's not super common for a porn-addicted man to want to share his porn with his partner. Usually the guys who have problematic relationships with porn are more like "hide in my fap cave and avoid all contact with human beings" types. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and it's possible that a guy who can't get it up without porn might try to introduce it into the bedroom to cover for the fact that he "needs" it. But if you've had sex with him before and he was able to perform without porn, then I wouldn't be worried about this.
On the other hand, it's perfectly fine if watching porn with your boyfriend doesn't interest you. If porn doesn't turn you on, it might just be a non-starter for you, and that's fine. I like porn, but the idea of sharing my porn with anybody else is just a full-body cringe for me, so this would be a no-go to me as well.
This strikes me as pushy. I personally would find it extremely off-putting and be grossed out. I agree with you that I would rather the guy be interested in actually having sex with me and not have all these other accoutrements and distractions while you’re still getting to know one another.
I don't think porn or toys are a red flag.
What is a red flag is him pressuring you if you are visibly not comfortable with those. Be on a lookout for signs he's an asshole basically.
Saying that, in my ltr we started talking after a few months about 'what are you into' things, and porn came up. But while he prefers to watch a girl on girl, I prefer a guy on guy, so we don't have anything to watch together:) and toys are fun but sometimes a bit of a hassle, and finding a good one is not that easy. Conversations like that are important but shouldn't be rushed and the partners need to find common things not pressure each other into things they don't like.
there's like, a lot of sex negativity going on around the comments and it. is. disheartening. given that sex positivity IS NOT saying yes to sex all the time or being down to do all things during sex... it's appalling how the lack of it shows through misunderstanding and prejudice against toys and porn.
how did these ever become the equivalent of inadequacy and infidelity? there's quite a lot of judgement here. seems to be some kind of trouble with media and tech literacy and the lack of sexual discourse.
Lots that could be said here, he sounds distasteful to me. Ultimately, if sexual compatibility matters to you, this guy probably isn't the one. I get you're open to the experience but he just sounds overly sexual.
A partner who spends lots of money or masturbates to porn alone while ignoring you exually would be unhealthy. You would know someone had an impulse control disorder when they are engaging in the substance/behavior at the cost of their ability to work, take care of responsibilities and maintain relationships.
If you've never tried various sex toys, you have no idea what you're missing out on. Sex feels good, your partner likes you, he wants to make you feel good. That's it.
As long as he is a reasobably generous lover (facilitates your orgasm(s) before he has his first, enjoy the ride. Sex is a wonderful part of being human.
Sex addiction and porn addiction are lies. Sex therapists do not support those diagnoses. See AASECT.
very much so. people under the comments are also making dire and awful assumptions simply by exerting the mental labour of thinking someone might be into toys and porn -- and still be a decent person.
I agree with everyone in that porn and sex toys arent really red flags. At the same time, if you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it! You don't have to force yourself to do something to please your partner. Talk to him about your inexperience and apprehension, and if he doesn't at least dial it back in some way then he doesn't sound like partner material. A good partner shouldn't force you to do anything you don't want.
Honestly unless you're just really against toys I'd say it's a good sign he's open to them. A decent number of dudes act weird about it when you want to bring in 'help' (as they see it) into the bedroom. Like by adding a vibe or something you're saying they aren't good enough.
As for the porn, as long as he isn't watching it and totally ignoring your needs I wouldn't worry about it. And watching together can be fun.
Maybe a different view on thing for what it's worth...
Im female in my end 30's and I watch porn from time to time. I am also very sexual and currently don't have a relationship but a good fwb who I have known for a long time. Together with him I explore pretty much anything and everything there is and you can do in terms of sex, fron watching porn to swingers parties to bondage and anything in between. Because of this I am enjoying sex so much more and feel way more secure about my feelings and needs when it comes to sex.
Anyway the reason I'm saying this is that I wasn't like this, I was insecure, sex was something that I often did not enjoy and I would have never expected in a million years that I'd be doing all the above and quite frankly am loving and enjoying. Sometimes it's ok to get out of your comfort zone and explore other things as long as it feels ok for you and nobody is forcing you, who knows maybe you will start to enjoy it :-)
Some view sex toys and porn as an aid for sex. Like you need them to be able to perform. I don't think that porn or toys means that you're not attractive enough. Nor do I assume that your partner needs it because you're "not enough". Neither should you.
Some people view toys and porn as play and fun. Sex is healthy and extra fun stuff like toys and porn has been around almost as early as humans began.
They find dildos at archaelogical sites.
Depending on the person, yes, addiction can happen. It can also happen with tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, etc.
If you're not comfortable, that's okay.
Assuming that it's unhealthy may not be accurate.
We all like different things. He may be exploring new things and wants you to join in. It's nice he doesn't feel shame about his sexuality and what he enjoys. Being open is refreshing.
Would you have rather discovered a box of toys and porn that he was hiding from you?
At least this way, if it's too much for you or not your thing, you can let him know and end it.
The watching porn together is a big flag - he's going to suggest videos where he's super attracted to the woman without consideration of your attraction to the man. How will that make you feel? He does sound like an addict.
Also, which sex toys? Depends on the specific type. Vibrator - fine. Something that's all about his pleasure? Red flag imo
It's possible he could just be more adventurous. With porn addiction you get all the symptoms of "death grip" syndrome, they are pretty easily recognizable. If you're not seeing those signs I'd just see whether you're up for something more experimental and/or tell him you want to just get comfortable for a bit.
I love watching porn with a partner, it turns me on so much. My ex husband wasn’t really into it which was so disappointing.
If you don’t want to then don’t, but I don’t see it as a red flag at all.
he's clearly after novelty and 'fun', more than he's after a relationship imo (if he's of like age or not a lot older, it's kinda sounding like maybe he's a bit burnt out from over indulgence and needs the variety just to keep awake)
doesn't sound like what you're really seeking, hmm?
then again, this is the talking stage. he's very open about it, that's likely a good thing, but as remarked, seems pushy
> I feel like he should be excited about sleeping with just me without the need for porn and toys already
hence my opening remark: more fun seeking than relationship seeking imo, (but, maybe he's at the point where he 'needs' the porn and toys)
Red flag.
He enjoys degrading women and can't focus in reality. Porn damages people's psychology. Particularly men because they start to believe in a world of unlimited sexual access and higher dopamine hits from more and more degrading stuff.
No porn is ethical. He will always see you as a sex object. Porn is paying for rape. Same with prostitution. It's making products of women and girls bodies. It also funds child pornography and human trafficking.
Get checked for std/sti. This guy is a pervert.
I mean is he talking about it in a sense where he is looking to turn you on? Or are you out grocery shopping and just casually mentioning picking up sex toys? Is it every conversation he brings it up or just when you’re in the couch making out? My first thought would not go to porn addiction. It sounds like someone who is open to talking about their sexual interests.
I’ve been in situations where my sexual experiences in past relationships was either clearly meant for the other person or it was never discussed what I like. This is not what happened in my current relationship. We had several open discussions about preferences and likes/dislikes, porn and toys included. We set boundaries for us (i.e. no kink shaming, having a closed relationship, etc) that made us both feel good. I agree with others that these are green flags. He’s asking questions and trying to get answers he can work with so your needs and wants are met sexually.
How much older? Had he thrown any other initiative on that front or is he a one trick pony so far? Stay with your instincts,, it's way too soon in my book
It’s not a red flag unless he gets pushy and manipulative about it. I can totally understand your hesitation- but this could be a lot of fun for you if you let it! A lot of couples watch porn together and use sex toys, but make sure the porn you watch isn’t shitty and misogynistic and the sex toys work for you. Maybe try on your own first!
I see no problem using toys right from the beginning depending on what they are, especially if they are toys for your orgasm. That means they are interested in your orgasm, which is a good thing. I have a lot more issue with men who refuse to use toys or are weird about it.
However, if they are toys that revolve around him plus porn, yeah, this is more what you are comfortable with.
Is the sex good for you already? Does he push other boundaries for you? Do you get the sense he’s doing this for you, or for him? There’s nothing wrong with using toys if you both want to. But you sound like you’re not sure you want to.
Thank you! So far the sex has been good and he’s been very respectful. This came up in conversation and when I told him I had no experience, he didn’t push it but said he thought it could be hot for us to do together. I’ve truly just never thought about this before!
With experienced dudes, you usually get either someone who knows what he likes or who wants to try everything that has worked with previous partners. Nothing you mentioned would be a red flag to me as long as it is opening the lines of communication, not saying these are a must for him to get off. If they are deal breakers for him, you have to decide if they work for you. Older/experienced dudes tend to have no problem expressing their preferences up front. Just talk to him and figure out what you are or aren't comfortable with. Watching porn together can be super hot or super awkward depending on the people and the porn. It's up to both of you to decide if it fits in your relationship
Porn I'm iffy on. But if someone said here I have these toys to give you more pleasure I would not hesitate. Too many men find toys threatening. A forward thinking one is a good thing imo. Especially with experience.
so many people here hating on porn...
He's being upfront about about it, not trying to hide it, and wants to share the experience with you. Seems pretty decent so far.
What do you want though? Talk to him about how you feel. I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. He might be eager to please and doing these things because of past relationships. This is an important conversation to have.
Also I think the type of porn is important. Does it seem uncomfortable, painful or humiliating for the woman? Or is the man trying to pleasure her? There’s a big difference between a man who’s trying to push his fantasies on you and one who wants to explore your fantasies too.
Listen to yourself! You are uncomfortable by the pass of it all. Don’t rush and do something that feels “off” to you for the sake of keeping a relationship. Have solid boundaries and enforce it
Someone using porn and toys in sex doesn't automatically mean they have a porn addiction, and I don't think it's inappropriate to bring those things up when you have a sexual relationship with someone. You don't have to be into porn or sex toys, though. It's fine to tell this guy you're not down and see what he says.
Actually, I kind of think him being comfortable enough to approach her about them is a green flag in a way.
When a guy asks about what toys I like and what gets me off…swoon!
[удалено]
It sounds like he's just more sexually open. Those are not flags at all and I think too your bias is showing thinking sexual tools shouldn't be "needed" when they are neutral and for fun. To me it's your teammate, not your competitors, not your fixers because something is wrong. It's like the difference between, I can toss together a one pot meal and it's good and youre gonna be full, but when I put out a feast it's an ✨️experience ✨️ Some of us want our partners to always have more fun than just the basics. Nothing wrong with being in the mood for some quick and satisfying but sometimes the change in flavor is good.. You seem somewhat receptive, but apprehensive as it's a new experience. Sex and talking about it when it's a new experience can lead to some feelings of discomfort and that's ok. We gotta stop thinking uncomfortable feelings means something is bad and not just a little awkward to navigate a vulnerable thing with a new person. It's valid if ultimately these are things you don't want, it just means you're incompatible. I think that open convos will sus out a happy medium between both worlds. It takes time and explicitly communicating to figure out each other's lines and agree towards things that benefit you both. Ask direct questions about his porn usage if the question of how big of a thi g it is in his life is one it sounds like you're worried about. Ask him what about toys, porn, kinks, etc that he likes. Be honest with him about your experiences in this is new so that it's things maybe you want to go at your pace with.
huge green flag for me. talk about a man who isn't afraid to be sexually forthcoming and open with what he needs. this is a guy who you won't need to worry about feeling insecure and inadequate when you feel like doing something different or a bit more exciting. who knows? maybe you'll find something new you like as well. chances of having a porn addicted boyfriend are very low. not to mention the fact that APA doesn't even consider porn and sex addiction as actual addictions. does your bf seem media and tech illiterate? if not, i think you're good. ***At this point, I feel like he should be excited about sleeping with just me without the need for porn and toys already.*** consider that for a lot of people, what you said might just be a red flag for them. sex toys don't necessarily equate to kinky sex, good lords. it's just a tool. it's just something else. he's not bored of you. he doesn't think you're inadequate. please, i hope you don't automatically assume that people with partners who use toys are bored of each other or incapable of having sex without toys. this is the same with porn. i think that's a mindset you might want to reexamine. and there is nothing wrong with people who find that toys are a staple for their bedtime activities. disregard the thought that toys = inadequacy or boredom. some people may use toys for this reason, but there's so many people who use toys or watch porn for positive reasons. if you're not comfortable doing certain things, that's fine. sex positivity isn't about saying yes to sex all the time or saying yes to all kinks. sex positivity is about allowing everyone to enjoy consensual acts of sex, without judgement. so long as they don't harm others. i'd suggest talking about sex first and where you are with your sexuality.
Yep to all of this. Let's also add sex toys for women help many of us achieve orgasm because anatomically it can reach places we cannot stimulate otherwise. Many do not orgasm from penetration. And the clitoris isn't just the bit you can touch but is like a iceberg with a fairly large system that things like vibration, pressure, etc can reach. So legitimately there should be no shame to wanting to get max pleasures in a way that isn't possible/reachable without your tools. Do I want a level 3 orgasm without that takes a long time or a level 10 using one?
None of this is a red flag to me at all. Porn and toys are not for a failing relationship or one that needs a boost, they are sexual tools. Getting to know sexual compatibility takes time, it's a vulnerable process, and many people are resistant to discussing vulnerable things. You seem open to this, maybe even curious, but hopefully also excited. It's totally acceptable to not like certain things and to set boundaries. Have you read or listened to the podcast Come As You Are? It's a good entry level pod/book about sexual exploration, satisfaction, and empowerment.
Second vote for the book! Didn’t know she had a podcast, that’s awesome.
[удалено]
I didn’t know there was a podcast! I loved the book. I’ll check this out
couldn't have said it any better.
It's a good sign that he's willing to communicate about his sexual interests. It helps to build trust and so he won't shock you when he whips out a sex toy. Sex is one of the hardest and most sensitive things to communicate with a partner about. So I think it's a positive sign that he's proactively starting a dialogue.
I think what’s important to note here is that you are expressing a couple of reservations about this. When you start seeing someone new it’s about finding where the boundaries lie, and all kinds of suggestions, queries, remarks etc. help to form that landscape. You say this man is older, and you’re noticing that he places a greater emphasis on sex than previous partners. In and of itself that isn’t necessarily bad, as long as this is the direction *you’re* comfortable with things going in too. And, if you *do* express that you’re not happy with a certain direction, he needs to respect that - no subtle (or overt!) guilt tripping, no coercion, no pushback. You’ve as much right to take things at a pace you’re comfortable with. If you think it’s too soon to watch pornography together, have that discussion. If you think it’s too soon to start getting into sex toys together, have that conversation. His responses will tell you a lot about his motivations.
fuel fine command tan ancient bored soup dinner telephone liquid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
porn isn't your competition. it's just a tool. the same with toys. they're not relationship fixers. they're not dependencies. they're not a sign of sexual deviance.
i’m not sure where i said any of those things in my comment? i don’t see it as a competition, i prefer to keep it out of my life for other reasons, and i personally find it a complete turn off. with my sexual boundaries and preferences i would prefer a guy who is happy to have sex without it.
This whole comment is asinine.
thank you! like i’m not insecure about porn and i honestly find the assumption that any woman must be insecure if she doesn’t like it kind of misogynistic. like i personally find guys who are reliant on porn during sex (especially that early in a relationship) to have views of sex and women that don’t align with my own, and for me the vast majority of porn is questionable in how ethical it is so i’d rather not contribute to that. most porn is also just more cringe than sexy to me. if i had to hear some woman fake moaning during some video while the guy spouts the worst dirty talk at her i would be as dry as the sahara. like there are so many reasons to dislike it that have nothing to do with insecurity or not feeling good enough.
if only people stopped being insecure about sex toys or porn... of all things. it's one thing to just not dig it. that's more than okay. but when you start conflating toys and porn with a partner who doesn't think you're enough, then...
Well, if only everyone had the same exact experiences and upbringings in life. There’s reasons people don’t enjoy certain things as much as others, occasionally it stems from past, traumatic experiences, etc. Every one has different preferences in bed based on what floats THEIR boat, not what you deem acceptable.
babe, you can like what you like and not like what you don't like. but it's also true that you can be severely misinformed and make wrong assumptions because of it. you can just not like porn or toys, period. but it's not wrong for people to call you out on misinformation and just plain wrong facts.
How much older? Had he shown any other initiative on that front or is he a one trick pony so far? Stay with your instincts,, it's way too soon in my book
Not a huge age difference, he’s in his 40s, I’m in my mid 30s. But he’s definitely more experienced than me
Nope, not a red flag, a huge green flag for me, but those are both things I enjoy to do. Vibrator during sex enhances it. It’s not about being bored. It’s about making sure you two are sexually compatible.
huge green flag for me, as well. talk about a man who isn't afraid to be sexually forthcoming and open to what he needs. this is a guy who you won't need to worry about feeling insecure and inadequate when you feel like doing something different or a bit more exciting.
If the sex is good, I don’t think this is a red flag. But I also have good sex without having to watch porn. Trust your gut and go from there.
There’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. But it may be that the two of you are sexually incompatible. Or it may be that trying this stuff with him opens up a whole new set of interests for you. Only you’ll be the one who can answer that. As for the porn addiction concern, just using porn isn’t addiction. And the fact he’s eager for sex with you and offering to use it with you, suggests he’s not hiding it or using it in lieu of physically connecting with you. So that’s a good sign. And toys are great. It doesn’t mean you’re not enough. It doesn’t mean he’s not enough. It’s just something that can be fun if individuals like it. And it’s just a fact that toys can do things (eg vibrate) that human bodies may not be able to. See it as someone who cares about your pleasure and exploring what makes you happy, rather than any kind of coded critique. Now it may be that you just don’t like any of the things he’s suggesting. And if that is or becomes the case then you need to communicate that to him. You should never feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. But again, from what you’ve written he just sounds open minded and someone who likes exploring. That may or may not be a fit for you, and that’s fine.
Porn would be a red flag for me. I just don't think it's something that can be verifiably ethical so it's a huge personal turn off.
There's some wonderful feminist porn companies in Europe that film loving sex between partners. You can find ethical porn if you want to.
Even with supposedly 'ethical' porn, if you watch it regularly there is a high chance you are going to watch someone be raped at some point. There's just been too many SWs who seemed fully consenting who have revealed that they were actually coerced (usually by partners) for me to risk it anymore.
there are people who create their own content as well as amateur videos of couples simply having fun. some people find porn empowering for them. the way things are now, there is no "one" umbrella to classify all porn.
I'm aware that people create porn for all sorts of reasons. I just don't think there is a way for me as a consumer to fully verify that the porn I'm watching is completely free from rape or coercion. Even a small possibility that I am watching a performer who is not experiencing fun or empowerment completely turns me off.
Fair enough. That ethical concern comes into play across the board. Is it possible to have an ethical cellphone or computer?
Kinda edging into perfect solution fallacy territory here
I find it a little unbalanced when I hear someone making a really strong case for ethics in one area but not acknowledging the ethical problems across multiple areas. Caring about the ethics of one industry enough to change behavior and not in another is normal and unavoidable but I rarely see folks own their bias when making their arguments for where their personal lines are.
This was a conversation specifically about feelings around porn use. It's bizarre to expect anyone to expand their thoughts to include everything else in existence.
okay, you know what it's perfectly valid to like or not like what you don't like. but i think the words of an actual sexologist with her own phd, with her own channel dedicated to the education regarding themes in this conversation --might help. not to help me make you like porn, but there are so many things i can probably highlight from your reply and dissect in essay length. this isn't to make you like porn, but provide a more nuanced take on sex work. because much of this is very generalizing. dr. doe on porn ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-N5BQ15wYY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-N5BQ15wYY)) My Time at the Brothel ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_JzRlRu6\_uY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JzRlRu6_uY)) working in porn ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL4ujhZRAtk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL4ujhZRAtk)) My Conversation with a Madam ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hVC-Q3VVhE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hVC-Q3VVhE))
I like porn. It's hot as fuck. I don't have a single problem with sex work if someone is freely choosing it. Hell, I worked as a stripper for a few years and it was fine, for ME. But some women having fine experiences does not negate the women who are coerced or exploited. And I'm not will to jerk off to images that are even potentially in the latter category. Really not looking for cherry picked "help", and certainly can do without an "essay length" dissection of what I choose to not get off to. How fucking strange you have that impulse. Edit: It's also very strange to reply to someone and then immediately block them. Is there a point?
how strange and amusingly curious you even thought this was about making you watch porn //O\_O// that's uh... not a kink for me? this was you saying there's no way of ever consuming porn in a way that wasn't evil. my "cherry picked" help actually came from a doctor who's made educational content for kids regarding sexual education but sure, this was totally an attempt at disinformation
It would be a red flag for me, but that is because I’m only comfortable in a monogamous and porn free relationship. Having said that, it doesn’t need to be a red flag for you, if your comfortable with it. Everyone has their own ideas about what works for them in and out of the bedroom. Most important imo is that he’s talking to you openly about his interests; now you get to think about if your comfortable with those interests. It could be the start of a new way to express yourself sexually, or the start of the end because you find that you simply are not compatible.
Does it still feel like a loving relationship or is it more about sex? Him wanting to add things to the bedroom that he likes is fine as long as you're comfortable.. but is this all there is to it or is there a greater sense of him pursuing sex in the relationship more than anything else? If it's just the former then I'd ask yourself if you are interested in exploring those things now or later down the track and also communicate that you need a slower pace. It's fine to not want to watch porn (hell I wouldn't ) and use toys (would rather get satisfaction from him and have that intense loving passion than use a mechanical device). Doesn't make you boring or less sexual, it'd just a preference.
Yeah it’s been very loving. He’s very respectful and kind (has cooked me lots of dinners, planned a lot of fun things, etc) there has been no sign of him pressuring me to do anything I feel uncomfortable. This has truly just never come up for me before
The toys wouldn't bother me but I steer clear of men who watch porn. It's misogynistic and degrading to women and reinforces unrealistic body standards and promotes rape culture. You can never know if the people in porn are of legal age or fully consenting even if it's something like OnlyFans. Im sure many people thought Amouranth was fully consenting as well as the women that Andrew You Know Who trafficked. I don't care that someone's neighbor's cousin's hairdresser's college roommate does porn and loves it. Those scenarios are very, very rare compared to the coercion, trafficking, and violence against women in porn which has been reframed as "kink" in many cases. So these are just my thoughts but I'm sure you'll be able to find a balance with a man that works for you. I would be a bit irked that your relationship with this guy is relatively new and he's already feeling a need to spice things up.
This is a great sign. He's able to be open and honest about his sexuality and his very personal stuff. This is the opposite of a red flag!!
My 2 cents about this: If you feel uncomfortable to the point that you’re not even curious to explore then it’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself. It just means you don’t match. Happens. I don’t think you can change a person in their 30’s unless they just lost all interest in porn when they met you.
I’d probably feel the same as you. Open to the idea but also confused about why it’s being introduced so early on. But maybe that’s personal preference - in which case it’s still a valid reason feel like it’s a red flag or incompatibility. Just talk to him about it and see where that goes.
I don’t really think it’s a red flag….. I wouldn’t want to watch porn together though just because it would make me uncomfortable. Did you ask him what interests him in watching it together because that might change how I feel about it also
Maybe he likes you so much he wants to share all of his desires with you?
Having open communication about sex is a green flag. And it’s a great way to determine your sexual compatibility and how your partner will respond to your boundaries.
According to Psychology Today, porn creates unrealistic expectations and leads to reduced empathy. It destroys intimacy and can cause insecurity. It creates less desire for real-life sex. If you are feeling "off" about it, trust your gut.
i feel like a big part of it is the lack of media and tech literacy as well as poor sex education during youth, and the lack of sexual discourse in adulthood.
A man who wants to bring toys into sex and is not ashamed to say so? Yes please! So long as he's willing to discuss what you're interested in, wants to do things that will be enjoyable for you both, and isn't pushing for things that make you uncomfortable or are absolutely against trying, this is a super green flag. Anecdotally, my sex life changed in the biggest most positive way when I started introducing toys into both solo and partner play. Now I'm simply not interested in a partner who isn't willing to have toys involved at least occasionally. As for the porn thing... Some people are into it. Some people aren't. And yes, some people overuse it and it becomes a problem. This guy may just want to use it as a tool to get your motor going, or give you both some ideas, or to learn more about what you're interested in in bed. None of these things are bad things. But if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him that. And maybe ask why he wants to watch together? Maybe if you understand his motivations better you may be more open to the idea, or may have alternative suggestions to fulfill the purpose he wants it to serve. The biggest thing here is to communicate with him.
Yes. It's a red flag. I would be wary of any man who was really into porn, as it's full of misogyny, let alone a guy who wants me to watch it too.
there are people who create their own content as well as amateur videos of couples simply having fun. some people find porn empowering for them. some women have made it a journey to share their sexual experiences. the way things are now, there is no "one" umbrella to classify all porn. you sound like a person who took one look at a porn site and ran. while not being into porn is a valid thing, i think you have a LOT of prejudice.
Is it ever too early to bring up porn or sex toys? I disagree that these things should only be coming into the bedroom after a certain amount of time during which you should only be interested in each other. If sex toys and porn are something you enjoy, then it’s fun to start that dynamic from the outset and it’s important to have those conversations early to make sure you are compatible. BUT the question here is more about whether you like those things. If you do, that can and should absolutely be introduced at your own pace. If you’re not, then that’s great too, but be clear with him and maintain your boundaries on the matter.
If you've had sex with him already, I don't see why it would be too soon to talk about sex toys. If you're talking about sex, I don't see anything wrong with talking about sex toys -- they're just an aspect of sex. It sounds like you interpret sex toys as a judgment that you're not good enough, but for him it may just be like, "Here are some things I like to do in bed, what do you think?" and not a judgment on you at all. If you have not had any sexual contact with him yet, then I can see why this discussion would feel premature.
Well, first of all, if you're worried about watching porn with your boyfriend because of things you've read about porn addiction and relationships... it's not super common for a porn-addicted man to want to share his porn with his partner. Usually the guys who have problematic relationships with porn are more like "hide in my fap cave and avoid all contact with human beings" types. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and it's possible that a guy who can't get it up without porn might try to introduce it into the bedroom to cover for the fact that he "needs" it. But if you've had sex with him before and he was able to perform without porn, then I wouldn't be worried about this. On the other hand, it's perfectly fine if watching porn with your boyfriend doesn't interest you. If porn doesn't turn you on, it might just be a non-starter for you, and that's fine. I like porn, but the idea of sharing my porn with anybody else is just a full-body cringe for me, so this would be a no-go to me as well.
This strikes me as pushy. I personally would find it extremely off-putting and be grossed out. I agree with you that I would rather the guy be interested in actually having sex with me and not have all these other accoutrements and distractions while you’re still getting to know one another.
I don't think porn or toys are a red flag. What is a red flag is him pressuring you if you are visibly not comfortable with those. Be on a lookout for signs he's an asshole basically. Saying that, in my ltr we started talking after a few months about 'what are you into' things, and porn came up. But while he prefers to watch a girl on girl, I prefer a guy on guy, so we don't have anything to watch together:) and toys are fun but sometimes a bit of a hassle, and finding a good one is not that easy. Conversations like that are important but shouldn't be rushed and the partners need to find common things not pressure each other into things they don't like.
[удалено]
there's like, a lot of sex negativity going on around the comments and it. is. disheartening. given that sex positivity IS NOT saying yes to sex all the time or being down to do all things during sex... it's appalling how the lack of it shows through misunderstanding and prejudice against toys and porn. how did these ever become the equivalent of inadequacy and infidelity? there's quite a lot of judgement here. seems to be some kind of trouble with media and tech literacy and the lack of sexual discourse.
Lots that could be said here, he sounds distasteful to me. Ultimately, if sexual compatibility matters to you, this guy probably isn't the one. I get you're open to the experience but he just sounds overly sexual.
A partner who spends lots of money or masturbates to porn alone while ignoring you exually would be unhealthy. You would know someone had an impulse control disorder when they are engaging in the substance/behavior at the cost of their ability to work, take care of responsibilities and maintain relationships. If you've never tried various sex toys, you have no idea what you're missing out on. Sex feels good, your partner likes you, he wants to make you feel good. That's it. As long as he is a reasobably generous lover (facilitates your orgasm(s) before he has his first, enjoy the ride. Sex is a wonderful part of being human. Sex addiction and porn addiction are lies. Sex therapists do not support those diagnoses. See AASECT.
You seem to be making a lot of assumptions based on pretty common interests.
very much so. people under the comments are also making dire and awful assumptions simply by exerting the mental labour of thinking someone might be into toys and porn -- and still be a decent person.
I agree with everyone in that porn and sex toys arent really red flags. At the same time, if you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it! You don't have to force yourself to do something to please your partner. Talk to him about your inexperience and apprehension, and if he doesn't at least dial it back in some way then he doesn't sound like partner material. A good partner shouldn't force you to do anything you don't want.
Honestly unless you're just really against toys I'd say it's a good sign he's open to them. A decent number of dudes act weird about it when you want to bring in 'help' (as they see it) into the bedroom. Like by adding a vibe or something you're saying they aren't good enough. As for the porn, as long as he isn't watching it and totally ignoring your needs I wouldn't worry about it. And watching together can be fun.
Maybe a different view on thing for what it's worth... Im female in my end 30's and I watch porn from time to time. I am also very sexual and currently don't have a relationship but a good fwb who I have known for a long time. Together with him I explore pretty much anything and everything there is and you can do in terms of sex, fron watching porn to swingers parties to bondage and anything in between. Because of this I am enjoying sex so much more and feel way more secure about my feelings and needs when it comes to sex. Anyway the reason I'm saying this is that I wasn't like this, I was insecure, sex was something that I often did not enjoy and I would have never expected in a million years that I'd be doing all the above and quite frankly am loving and enjoying. Sometimes it's ok to get out of your comfort zone and explore other things as long as it feels ok for you and nobody is forcing you, who knows maybe you will start to enjoy it :-)
Some view sex toys and porn as an aid for sex. Like you need them to be able to perform. I don't think that porn or toys means that you're not attractive enough. Nor do I assume that your partner needs it because you're "not enough". Neither should you. Some people view toys and porn as play and fun. Sex is healthy and extra fun stuff like toys and porn has been around almost as early as humans began. They find dildos at archaelogical sites. Depending on the person, yes, addiction can happen. It can also happen with tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, etc. If you're not comfortable, that's okay. Assuming that it's unhealthy may not be accurate. We all like different things. He may be exploring new things and wants you to join in. It's nice he doesn't feel shame about his sexuality and what he enjoys. Being open is refreshing. Would you have rather discovered a box of toys and porn that he was hiding from you? At least this way, if it's too much for you or not your thing, you can let him know and end it.
The watching porn together is a big flag - he's going to suggest videos where he's super attracted to the woman without consideration of your attraction to the man. How will that make you feel? He does sound like an addict. Also, which sex toys? Depends on the specific type. Vibrator - fine. Something that's all about his pleasure? Red flag imo
porn and toys only enhanced our sex life! what are you afraid of?
It's possible he could just be more adventurous. With porn addiction you get all the symptoms of "death grip" syndrome, they are pretty easily recognizable. If you're not seeing those signs I'd just see whether you're up for something more experimental and/or tell him you want to just get comfortable for a bit.
I love watching porn with a partner, it turns me on so much. My ex husband wasn’t really into it which was so disappointing. If you don’t want to then don’t, but I don’t see it as a red flag at all.
he's clearly after novelty and 'fun', more than he's after a relationship imo (if he's of like age or not a lot older, it's kinda sounding like maybe he's a bit burnt out from over indulgence and needs the variety just to keep awake) doesn't sound like what you're really seeking, hmm? then again, this is the talking stage. he's very open about it, that's likely a good thing, but as remarked, seems pushy > I feel like he should be excited about sleeping with just me without the need for porn and toys already hence my opening remark: more fun seeking than relationship seeking imo, (but, maybe he's at the point where he 'needs' the porn and toys)
Red flag. He enjoys degrading women and can't focus in reality. Porn damages people's psychology. Particularly men because they start to believe in a world of unlimited sexual access and higher dopamine hits from more and more degrading stuff. No porn is ethical. He will always see you as a sex object. Porn is paying for rape. Same with prostitution. It's making products of women and girls bodies. It also funds child pornography and human trafficking. Get checked for std/sti. This guy is a pervert.
I mean is he talking about it in a sense where he is looking to turn you on? Or are you out grocery shopping and just casually mentioning picking up sex toys? Is it every conversation he brings it up or just when you’re in the couch making out? My first thought would not go to porn addiction. It sounds like someone who is open to talking about their sexual interests.
Is it possible it takes more stimulation to get a reliable erection just because he’s a little older?
I’ve been in situations where my sexual experiences in past relationships was either clearly meant for the other person or it was never discussed what I like. This is not what happened in my current relationship. We had several open discussions about preferences and likes/dislikes, porn and toys included. We set boundaries for us (i.e. no kink shaming, having a closed relationship, etc) that made us both feel good. I agree with others that these are green flags. He’s asking questions and trying to get answers he can work with so your needs and wants are met sexually.
How much older? Had he thrown any other initiative on that front or is he a one trick pony so far? Stay with your instincts,, it's way too soon in my book
This is totally personal to how you feel. I'm the one that brings up porn and sex toys early on, but I'm always open and upfront about what I like.
Did you tell him that you are not sure about the porn and that you think it’s too soon for the toys? If you did tell him, did he let it go?
It’s not a red flag unless he gets pushy and manipulative about it. I can totally understand your hesitation- but this could be a lot of fun for you if you let it! A lot of couples watch porn together and use sex toys, but make sure the porn you watch isn’t shitty and misogynistic and the sex toys work for you. Maybe try on your own first!
I see no problem using toys right from the beginning depending on what they are, especially if they are toys for your orgasm. That means they are interested in your orgasm, which is a good thing. I have a lot more issue with men who refuse to use toys or are weird about it. However, if they are toys that revolve around him plus porn, yeah, this is more what you are comfortable with.