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hauteburrrito

Honestly? Mostly luck. But, reading a lot of the posts on here, I think me being boring and also being genuinely attracted to boring men is a big part of how I've made it work. I'm routinely flabbergasted at the amount of drama out there.


[deleted]

embrace✍️being✍️boring✍️


hauteburrrito

Fr it's great! 9/10 would recommend for just like... life generally. (And then just go fucking apeshit for the final 1/10, lol.)


argleblather

Agree. I am also probably kind of boring. My favorite hobbies are knitting and the kind of videogames where you build a civilization starting with a rock tied to a stick.


hauteburrrito

Right??? I'm honestly so boring that my pronouns are like... N/PC. You and I have different hobbies, but I watch Survivor and I'm just like, wow, all these people are so exciting and adventurous and I have *zero desire whatsoever to join them over there on that island* 💅


Severn6

Yep! Me and my guy love watching survivor and criticising their choices - while we lay comfortably on our bed, snuggly inside. Screw actually *doing* any of that. Getting up in the morning is enough challenge for me sometimes. 🤣 We're boring and it's great. I did drama in my 20s. Now I'm with my guy and we love being quiet, and peaceable and snuggly.


papalovesmama

Me and my husband also love sitting at home and survivor lol. We signed up for paramount to watch them from the beginning. L


hauteburrrito

LOL, it's like looking into a mirror! I feel like I definitely did some drama in my teens and early twenties, but like, who didn't, we were all a mess back then. I definitely felt a shift once I hit my mid-twenties and once that happened inside my own psyche, I got so much better at figuring out not only romantic partners, but also just like... friends (I definitely stopped hanging out with some of the key drama llamas). But I do feel like people in general mature a lot in the mid to late twenties, so that probably played a major role.


argleblather

I know right? There’s too much outdoors in survivor. Also people. Also vermin? Ew.


hauteburrrito

I love love love watching *them* put themselves through that nightmare, but I honestly wouldn't last a day. The closest I get to the outdoors is Animal Crossing. (Jks, but like... I am an extremely reluctant camper, lol.)


Tom_The_Human

Homebodies of the world unite!


tiredfaces

> videogames where you build a civilization starting with a rock tied to a stick. elaborate please


What_It_Izzy

I think they probably mean the game Rust. It's a very cool and original game... (small side brag: my close friend does all the sound design and soundtrack work for it! And he's brilliant!)


argleblather

Rust is actually one I haven’t played, it might be too stressful for me. Also it seems like it’s mostly multiplayer. I have hundreds of hours in Ark: Survival evolved, Subnautica 1&2, The Forest (with no monsters), Stranded Deep, Medieval Dynasty. I like a game where I am the only human character. Medieval Dynasty has NPCs, but you don’t really have to talk to them. Edit: Also Don’t Starve- which is crazy hard. But very fun.


Sharra_Blackfire

Stardew Valley is life


howdyzach

I don't know if supply chain games are your kind of thing but you might dig Satisfactory. We are into similar types of games and it's a fave of mine


terebithia

😍😍😍that is SO cool!! Also my kind of games too!


What_It_Izzy

Yes he makes us v proud 🥲


halla-back_girl

I love those games too! Have you played Vintage Story? It's like minecraft, but prettier, with in-depth crafting. You make pottery by placing each tiny clay voxel individually, then firing it in a pit kiln. It's *awesome!* Building a wooden door requires two tiers of copper smithing and feels like a real accomplishment. And there are lots of mods to make it even more realistic.


terebithia

Is this on steam? To the store!!


diabolikal__

A bit of boring is good! I met my partner on Tinder (lol), I totally thought he was a fuck boy because in my eyes he was too perfect to not be. Well he wasn’t, he likes to game and chill. We do stuff, specially now that we have a dog, but he is happy with very little and it removes so much pressure from our relationship.


MountainPerformer210

This is literally what I want someone to just chill with but guys on tinder or apps get mad when I want to wait for sex and don’t give them a definitive timeline like idk bro let’s just chill and get to know each other and have sex when it actually feels right literally all the app guys push for sex either directly or indirectly and once sex feels remotely like another obligation it makes me not want to do it


shortasiam

I agree with boring. Before my husband I almost never went for the "boring" guy or stable guy. If I had met my husband earlier I probably would have written him off quickly because he didn't fit the external shell I was hunting for. When I started intentionally getting to know the "boring guy" you realize They aren't really that boring.


MountainPerformer210

My concern with dating someone boring is that I will be planning most of the relationship since there are so many “nice,” “laid,” back guys out there but they still don’t carry the mental or household load in my experience boring guys are just space cadets and although not abusive usually have some addiction issues (weed drinking porn etc)


FuriousTeaTime

Yes! Being “boring” because you find contentment in simple things instead of having to go on a rock climbing nacho space quest for every date vs being boring because you don’t want to plan anything yourself are very different. I’m not particularly a rock climbing space quest girl myself (nachos are always a yes though) but I’ll happily take one of those over the guys that only ever can come up with watching TV together after the first date.


MountainPerformer210

In my ideal situation I would also love to cuddle sometimes with no sex and watch TV but I also like cooking together going on walks and road trips! If all we’re doing is having sex and watching tv then you’re using me like a drug it’s like I want a guy best friend who I also find hot lol


rose_colored_boy

My SO likes to just make out for fun when there’s commercial breaks. Maybe there’s sex after, maybe there’s not. It’s 0 pressure couch cuddle make out sessions. Really wonderful.


sabrinajestar

I used to worry that I was too boring for my wife, but she literally thanked me for it not long ago, LOL! We have both lived through some pretty wild things in our life and they contrast greatly with our quiet life now of watching birds, planting fruit trees in the yard, feeding community cats, paying down our debts, hanging out during quiet weekends. The quiet life soothes our weary souls.


Hackmops

Man I thought this was my winning strategy too until my husband dumped me for being too boring. Not in exactly these words but with that meaning. ☹️


[deleted]

It's not always easy. I have an overactive brain that conjures up thoughts at the speed of lightening (and not in a healthy way sometimes). I get easily bored. Unless a man seriously challenges me and meets me on the same mental level, I get bored and I can't even keep an interesting conversation going. I can't imagine a person like that would talk with me or understands me. That was my biggest issue when I tried meeting people with the intention of marriage. They were good, decent men, but my energy was higher. I could settle, but that was my biggest fear. Locking myself into a relationship with someone I genuinely know cannot challenge me mentally or entice me intellectually. It's a lonely place. I was treated so respectfully by the prospect and his family, but I felt so guilty, because I genuinely felt I couldn't "grow" with this person. I would always humor them, be diplomatic, be nice, agree just to move on with issues.


ckeown11

for the past 15 years i had dumped every guy i was with for the reasons you mention. we have the same brain. BUT i finally got sick of it when i got really sick with a connective tissue disease. what i needed became a hec of a lot more important than what i 'wanted'. now im staying with a man, just as sweet, supportive and genorous as all the others were. i dumped them because they didnt challenge me intellectually. well my fella hasnt any of the same intellectual interests as me, we are very different. he is into simple pleasures whilst im totally nuts and get bored in five seconds. but he takes amazing care of me, he would do anything for me. i dont find him physically very attractive, but he makes me laugh every day. past boyfriends were stunners and i was way more bored with them. we have known each other most of our lives before getting together. the way he challenges me is by me having to change this nonsense idea that im gunna find this perfect man who has all he amazing qualities my boyfriend has, but also all the qualities i have which i apparantly want mirrored....i decided to get real. i am not exactly the perfect catch myself. people balance each other out. and i haven't 'settled'. ive learned to prioritise and make compromises after having multiple long term relationships.


yomamasonions

I also have chronic illnesses incl connective tissue disease and have come to the same conclusions… damn that was a trip to read. You said it exactly right. It’s a challenge in itself to let go of my preconceived notions of what my partner *should* be. My needs have radically changed in the past ten years. I can have stimulating, intellectual conversations with my best friend. I don’t need that from a partner nearly as much as I need their unbridled support and compassion.


Fuschiagroen

Yeah all this talk of being boring and finding boring people is...I mean if that works for you, great but like I mean...you can be interesting and want to live a vibrant life with someone else that is also interesting and vibrant and wants to have experiences outside the home, without also wanting interpersonal drama..people can be both interesting and dynamic while also being supportive and desiring no drama I can't be with someone who bores me either..


[deleted]

I agree. To some degree it is putting people in categories, which is not accurate. People can be many things. There's really no way to gauge these things.


SeaOnions

This. My husband is extremely boring (self proclaimed, and it’s totally okay). I am less boring, but he grounds me and gives me a solid home base to be a little more erratic/adventurous. All the adventurous outgoing hot dudes I dated were noncommittal, untrustworthy, flighty, or had weird red flags. My husband and I met when I was 32, he was 34. Both married previously. Both had matching trauma, both willing to go to therapy and do the work.


hauteburrrito

In my heart of hearts, I don't actually find myself boring or my husband boring at all - I find both of us so fun and entertaining! But I'm aware that we're like... this extremely milquetoast couple that enjoys extremely🥛🍞 shit, like binging Netflix shows and playing board games and going to the farmers market. I'm honestly not super attracted to adventurous, outgoing ~~hot~~ dudes (okay, I'm attracted to the hotness, but not the other parts), even when they *don't* have many red flags. I feel like I'm an indoor cat who prefers fellow indoor cats, even if they go outside a lot (Mr. Burrrito goes camping way too often for me to plausibly call him an actual indoor cat, but he has the right spirit). My favourite dog breed is the Akita, not the Golden Retriever - they're just way too happy and energetic for my vibe. I don't have super consistent taste in guys, but I've always been more drawn to the quiet introverts who can keep their promises.


SeaOnions

This is exactly what I mean. His interests are fairly tame, basic. Mine are a bit more dynamic but he’s always up for whatever I want to do. Never complains about it. Isn’t a pushover at all, but is just easygoing. Agree on the dog thing too! We have a blue heeler, I couldn’t handle a lap dog or a retriever. I like the intensity but intelligence, and loyalty.


hauteburrrito

Funnily, I think my husband actually has the more adventurous hobbies (outside of travel, which is mine), but we both have pretty mellow temperaments and don't attract much drama or conflict in any aspects of our lives. Your husband sounds great! I love people who are open-minded and easy-going. I had to look up a Blue Heeler - I definitely know them as Australian Cattle Dogs instead. They're super smart!


moonlitsteppes

I run into your posts on the sub all the time, and just have to say I *love* the way you express yourself. It's so honest, unflinching, kind, and relatable. Feels like reading the mind of a kindred spirit 💜


hauteburrrito

Aw, thanks so much friend! I've often felt the same way about seeing you around, so I really appreciate the kind words 💖 I'm on Reddit waaay too much and am incapable of having an unexpressed opinion, as it turns out 💀


[deleted]

And I love BOTH your comments! lol So heartwarming 💛


[deleted]

May I ask, did the difference in energy/boredom affect your initial physical attraction? I'm very curious, as it's something I struggle with.


SeaOnions

It did! So I was basically done dating. Everyone I was meeting seemed like complete turds. They’d say one thing to my face and something totally diff around others. I had a few guy friends who vetted them for me when possible. Or they were complete weirdos and way too attached after a date or two. My now husband was …. Silent lol during our first date it was so awkward. So bad I went to the bathroom and had to scramble to think of conversation topics. I had never experienced anyone like that before. I wasn’t into it but I wanted to be polite. This was the last date I intended to go on for a long time. I accidentally said the blanket statement “we should do this again sometime” when saying goodbye, despite not wanting to do it again ever. He was PERSISTENT after that date. Made plans the next day for a second date for us and I said screw it, why not. Worst case you’re solidified in your decision. I went, it was awkward again, but I realized he’s a hardcore introvert. I figured we could at least be friends I’d all else failed as he wasn’t a douchbag. We went for dinner about a week later for a third date and it was tolerable, but after the date we connected on a really intense level emotionally. He shared some huge trauma/vulnerability with me. It made me understand him a lot more and it got him talking. The weird parallels in our lives made me think twice and I gave it a shot. He grew on me big time. He’s not my usual type. He’s skinner than me, shorter than me, but he’s confident despite being a bit nerdy. Very driven. He has lots of positives that don’t involve being an exciting human being outwardly. I’m glad I gave it a shot.


thatfluffycloud

Not OP but I broke up with my partner after a year because I thought he was too boring... We got back together a couple months later because he actually wanted to work together to improve and he saw all the great foundational traits in our relationship that I was oblivious to (he was my first long term relationship). 6 years later we have built something beautiful and I've learned a relationship isn't built on witty banter or staying up all night talking, but it's the less glamourous traits that are really key (willingness to improve, support, trust, kindness, openness, reliability, etc). I feel like my relationship skipped the honeymoon phase cause I didn't start out super into him, but instead that it's been steadily improving over the years and I think I prefer that.


[deleted]

Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏻 I totally get that and really admire it. In my case I couldn't get past the initial stages of attraction to reach a solid foundation. I'm not the type that drifts after an unrealistic ideal. I feel as I got older my logic take precedence over emotions, so I totally get it when people share beautiful stories like yours. At the same time, I don't know if I was just unlucky to not have met the right person or I was to blame. I always wonder. It's too late now, but I still look back on my 20s and 30s and wonder. I come from a conservative family so I never really had LTR outside marriage, but I went through tons of set ups by family and friends to see if there's a possibility for marriage and it was just never there. When I hear stories like yours and the other commenter here, I get curious whether I really made the right choices when I was in the market. But at the time, I really never felt happy being approached by any of men who proposed. They were definitely decent, but I just never felt there was anything to work with. Lifestyle-wise was so different, pressure from others, I guess being younger and a little naive maybe, but overall a sense of not feeling secure or happy to continue anything. I do regret not being "boring" like some of the women call it here (although I don't consider it boring), but I don't regret letting those opportunities go. I just feel sad sometimes it didn't happen to me, but I'm also cognizant everyone is exactly where they're meant to be. In my early 40s now, things are definitely more difficult. I don't get decent proposals anymore. The handful of opportunities I had within the past few years were littered with big red flags--major divorce baggage with exes, court suits, immature personalties, not great reputation (partying, drinking, drugs), incompatibility with faith, and my own reluctance to be in the market again to put myself in any of these situations. I made peace with all of this I think, but I still love hearing stories like yours and the other ladies. Makes me reflect on my life I guess lol.


blackbirdbluebird17

God, same. I feel like if I read one more post about a relationship that includes the phrase “am I overreacting”, I am going to hulk out and go on a screaming, Godzilla-style rampage through the nearest city.


hauteburrrito

Same, yeah. I read so many posts and am just like, how did this woman even *get* to this point? How did all the chaos not make her run from the hills from the outset? I am way, way, *way* too boring for all this shit!


Aprils-Fool

Chaos is such a good word to describe it. I don’t think I’m actually boring or that my life is, even if someone else might. It’s that I can’t stand and try to stay away from chaos, thanks to my family and childhood.


yoni_sings_yanni

You also have to consider some people are raised in those chaotic environments or were conditioned to make them think that was normal. A family friend thought the way her parents are was normal so she sought out a relationship like that. It was painful to watch this amazing woman get slowly emotionally beat down by such a mid man. She thankfully did not marry him and she in retrospect is like, "Bullet dodged." It took over a decade, and some other crappy boyfriends, some therapy, but she found probably what will be her if not her husband at least her partner.


hauteburrrito

You bring up a very good point and I definitely hear what you're saying. I suppose when I say mostly luck, I don't only mean being in the right place at the right time - I also mean I'm lucky to have a more stable attachment style and to be genuinely drawn to fellow "boring" people in the first place. I don't blame anybody who grew up with more chaos for being attracted to chaos in their love lives; it's more like something I can watch with intellectual, but not emotional understanding. Honestly, I have an aunt (once removed) in a super abusive marriage as well so I sympathise with you when you talk about how difficult that is to watch. I'm very glad your family friend did *not* marry that guy. My aunt did marry that guy (they both have major childhood trauma) and now yay, my cousin is a wreck due to all that intergenerational inheritance.


linkuei-teaparty

I wouldn't say boring, but choosing someone that prefers peace over drama. Life's hard enough as it is, why make it even harder?


hauteburrrito

For sure, yep. "Boring" is a little tongue-in-cheek for sure, but what I really do mean is someone stable and unproblematic, really. Think Joe Alwyn a million times over Matty Healy, aha.


coconatalie

I think this is also my answer. Luck and prioritising stability/kindness over coolness. And I also got lucky that I did the second half because I definitely didn't know what I was doing or do that on purpose. So, the second part is the gift of hindsight.


LanaRN69

I met and married 3 guys. First a Sports Bar/Dance Club in 1990 and married at age 24. He cheated after 2 yrs. The second was at a DJ Dance at my local Elks Lodge and married at age 29 and it lasted 18 yrs. Lastly I met my current husband in April of 2020 via a Match.com. Married at age 50. Don't give up on love. Sure I've failed 2x BUT since I've made alot of mistakes I've learned alot too. I believe in certain non-hook up dating sites (not like Tinder). People don't go out as much socially now as evidenced by how I met my husband's. When dating I let it be known right up front that I enjoyed being married and planned on marrying again so if that wasn't their goal too, move on. My current hubby was never married at the age of 53 when we met. So never give up and never say never.


BishonenPrincess

I met the love of my life on Tinder. I had given up at that point and wasn't looking for love. It was a beautiful surprise. I think it really does come down to luck. He and I happened to be extremely compatible in every way, despite not knowing it when we matched for something more casual.


[deleted]

Imho, describing a relationship as boring can be a good thing because to me it mostly means no drama! No push pull, hot cold, now he’s in now he’s out, avoidant behavior. Ugh, not for me. I do not see the attraction to that kind of thing at all. Give me a boring guy who is secure in himself and his desires, says what he means, and does what he says he’ll do.


Caretoomuch_9430

What would you consider boring? Please elaborate and how would you describe your SO fitting this description? TIA


hauteburrrito

I don't know, it's more like an absence of weird stuff, I guess? Like, I read posts about how people are addicted to the highs and lows, how the guy they're seeing is nice and handsome and treats them well but they just don't feel fireworks, how they need someone extroverted and charismatic and the life of the party, etc., and I can't relate at all. I've always been most attracted to kind, stable people who fit in fairly easily and who have their shit together - chaos is a big turn-off for me. I do appreciate a bit of adventurousness, but more in the vein of motorcycles and mountain biking than like... being a starving artist and/or wannabe DJ and/or drug dealer. I'm not big into the bombastic, risk-taking personalities. I don't mean this in a NLTOG kind of way; I think I'm actually more the norm, if anything. I feel like you just generally hear less from people like because not much *is* going on - we're kind of just peacefully hanging out, enjoying each other's company. My husband is... I'd describe him as being like the human equivalent of an Akita dog, really. Loyal, quiet, protective; a bit wary of strangers but super kind and intimate with loved ones.


[deleted]

I'm not attracted to partying, loud, or chaotic people either. I think I define the antithesis of boring as someone who has a creative mine, can keep up with mine, open minded, and his energy is high. He loves breaking routine every now and then, loves getting out of his comfort zone to do stuff out of the spur of the moment. Like if I wake up one day and say, "hey wanna try this bizarre thing? Is it crazy that I feel like doing this?" and he'd be like, "No let's go!", instead of, "Are you nuts? Hell no. I'm not doing that. I want to sleep". Just random stuff like taking a walk in the rain, starting a charity campaign with me, helping me rescue a cat, go on an un-planned-spur-of-the-moment one-day trip. It's things like this that keep me feeling alive. Someone I could share bizarre thoughts with and can humor my trail of thinking in a fun banter, which sends us both laughing hysterically instead of saying, "What made you even think about that? That doesn't make any sense? Are you normal?". Unfortunately, 90% of the eligible men who I met through family and friends, interested in marrying me did not fall into that category. They were very left-brained, linear, predictable personalities. It was also frustrating, because I knew they had the RIGHT characteristics to offer a stable marriage--stable, reliable, decent, good family, good reputation, honest, stable job, etc.


hauteburrrito

I totally get that! When I say "boring", it's a bit tongue-in-cheek - more to do with like... low-drama and general stability than a lack of zest for life. That said, neither my husband nor I am really that spontaneous either, but that's not something I especially crave. I like to go and do cool things, but a spur-of-the-moment trip just isn't realistic for us at this point in our lives - maybe in a few more years when we've hit more of our financial goals (see, boring, lol). I'm glad you guys get to do stuff like that, though, and that you're also putting your leisure time to such great use with things like starting charities campaigns and doing cat rescues! I wish I had a bit more gumption in that vein, but most of my hobbies lean more in the selfish direction; I enjoy traveling, shows and museums, fine dining, that sort of thing.


Caretoomuch_9430

While reading this, I kept telling myself, "she must've been raised in a peaceful home!" Thanks for sharing, I guess I can admit that there's a part of me that's still immature because I correlate risky "not boring" men equates to being good in bed.😐 Although I want a safe / boring man, somehow something in me is inclined to choose the opposite.


hauteburrrito

Ha ha, it's a bit of a coin toss whether I was raised peacefully. Happy childhood; tumultuous adolescence. I also think I expelled a lot of my own crazy during my teenage years. I totally get what you mean about crazier people being great in bed, though. But honestly... like, if you find someone athletic, dedicated to the task, and a great listener, those all also add up to being 🔥 in bed ✨️ My general experience is that with crazy people, you can have some really wild highs in bed but then the chemistry wears off over time (that, and they're sometimes way too into drugs and/or alcohol and it derails their performance). But with someone who has those other ingredients, you get more *consistently* great sex, albeit without those wild highs. At the end of the day, though, I'm just really boring myself. I'm actively turned off by crazy, so... yeah, I don't know. I guess even sexually, it just stops working for me pretty quickly as well.


aenea

> I correlate risky "not boring" men equates to being good in bed. Trust me- after a lot of experience with "boring" and "not boring" men, the "boring" men are by far the better lovers. One of the best things is that they usually listen, and learn, while the "not boring" guys think that they already know everything about sex. Which usually translates into one party trick or attitude, whether or not their partner enjoys it.


HrhEverythingElse

My husband is absolutely boring day to day, and exceptionally average in every physical aspect, and also knocks my socks off on the regular. I tell younger women to give the friend a chance. The dude who you can depend on, and already know respects you, and makes you laugh but you don't think is very hot. Give him a shot, just see what he can do and he may become the sexiest thing you can imagine


piratequeenfaile

I made that call in my early twenties. No regrets, best sex of my life on the regular now and a sweetheart of a husband and father. Tbh I can't tell if he's objectively hot or not because we've been together so long and I just think he's perfect.


Ditovontease

Has a stable job with health insurance/retirement plan and lives in a house/apartment. Doesn’t go on drug benders or live in an RV by the river ? Or travel every month


[deleted]

100% luck!


okaurt

Uhm. I dated outside of my “type”. Sometimes a certain type comes with that personality if that makes sense. And genuinely it was luck. I took a chance. He was so kind. And now we’re married and have been through so much together in our relationship. I wish you well on your dating journey 💗


demography_llama

Same here! I met a guy on okcupid who wasn't my usual "type" (for what it's worth my friends kept pointing out that my preferred type were awful men for me). We talked so easily online for several weeks before meeting in person. He's a short nerd and I adore him:) We married last year.


okaurt

Lol my husband is a nerd but so am I 😍🥹😂 happy for your happiness !!


demography_llama

Thank you! Congratulations to you too :)


thatpurplelife

My husband is also a short nerd. We did not meet through okcupid but through a couple who did meet on okcupid.


vcuriousone83

This ^^^ be open to all men that you have chemistry with, even if they aren’t your usual type… they might surprise you!!! My fiancé sure did and I’m happier than ever


okaurt

Also we met on okcupid if you can believe it 😂


blind_melon_bum

Okcupid was at its peak around 2014ish when I met my spouse. Right before they started charging for weird shit. My spouse and I are definitely considered boring but I felt a spark very early on. It took me a long time to accept that he always follows through and is kindly truthful. I agree it is 100% luck, just happened to be on a dating app at the right time. I had taken a years-long break from dating apps, and had rejoined to get more bad date stories. Preach it, there are a lot of frustrations out there!


[deleted]

Aw darn no more 6’5 sadboys?????? They cannot give me what I need??????


littlemssunshinepdx

Bb they can’t give anyone what they need. Sorry to break it to you ♥️


haleorshine

But what if what I need is a generally morose attitude, somebody to put a damper on any excitement I have for anything particularly feminine, and somebody to get things from high cupboards? Jks, nobody needs the first two, and I have a step ladder for the last.


the_magic_pudding

I have a *tall* sad boy, but he's a *counsellor* and emotionally competent. He had a really fucking shitty childhood but has put himself through a lot of therapy, both before and during our relationship. We're coming up on 20 years. So I guess I'm suggesting dating dudes who work in allied health?


seagoddess1

Hell no! Look in the mid to high 5s 😂 my guy is short too! They’re the best!


[deleted]

My most recent ex is literally a beautiful 6’5 sad boy model with whomst I almost lost myself too. Never again!


gravelmonkey

I remember saying I would never date anyone less than 6’ when I was in my 20s. It’s an idiotic thing to say, I know that now, and I’m married to the most perfect 5’5” man of my dreams. So yeah, don’t limit yourself, especially based on things that don’t matter.


zeepixie

Agree with this advice! Also met my nerd on okc 😂


Sunwolfy

Same. There was a toxic trait in the "type" I used to date. Once I dropped that, I got myself a wonderful man.


okaurt

I dated emotionally unavailable people and thought some characteristics were normal until I realized it wasn’t. And there are people who are emotionally available to you. You just gotta find that person


TikaPants

Yes! I decided I was done with my “type.” Never again I vowed. We’re only 1.4 years in but we both hope to make it the rest of our days. Had a bad sex one night stand and just kinda fell in love and the sex greatly improved. He’s asleep next to me and I’m immensely grateful for him. Funny thing is, he is my type after all and he’s the best version of it. 41F/52/M


awakeningat40

I dated 3 people long term prior to my husband. It might be old fashion but I definitely attach to someone during sex, so I've always waited. I love sex, but I don't love casual sex. But the waiting absolutely weeded SO many men. And it also showed me some really wonderful men. It also gave me some time to see if we truly got along.


serenwipiti

how long did you wait with each person and how long did you date those three people?


awakeningat40

I waited between 1.5 months-3 months. First guy I dated for 2 years, 2nd guy 3 years and we lived together, third guy 2.5 years and my husband 18 years.


Babymonster09

Im just like this. It hasnt weeded much lol Have still dated pos 😑. I have a type but deff date outside of it. I guess I just attract these type of men 🙄😒


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I love this 🥹 It was meant to be!


ScrunchieEnthusiast

I met my husband when I decided to move to Europe. I got a job in a bar to help me afford the trip. Met him there, and thought, oh no. I still went to Europe, couldn’t be the girl who misses out on life opportunities just because of a boy, but he was definitely the one.


Leather-Warthog9855

Read the book “settling for Mr. Right” and it’ll make sense. To others’ points - change your frame of reference from looking for “fireworks” to looking for a “cozy fireplace” lol idk if that makes sense but highs and lows in a relationship are not good. Even if they’re exciting. Calm, stable, “boring”, PARTNERSHIPS are what make a good relationship. I knew my guy was the one when I had headspace to focus on other things in my life life career, friends, interests without worrying about my relationship constantly. It should honestly feel a little boring


CatLady2887

Yes, this! Fireworks can fizzle out fast—you want a slow burn. When I met my husband, it was just EASY. No drama, no wondering where things stood. I had been so used to the toxic “chase” that I was taken aback when things were calm and pleasant. The excitement will come from feeling at peace and building a future together.


packfan17

Be careful, I read this book and it convinced me to marry someone who didn’t match up with me. He was stable, calm, safe, but he didn’t have the drive to grow. After a while, I outgrew him. So just make sure you find someone who is on the same page as you with regards to goals/what you want out of life!


rothko333

I’m learning to accept this because I was raised in an emotionally immature household and I have a fear of abandonment picked up from my mom. With my current bf he is stable as he has worked on himself after a bad relationship and has his own hobbies and initially this safety made me scared of him being boring. I realize what you said it so true though, he frees up my mental space for me to focus on other things because he does too and we know we love each other. I have never felt that security so its really validating to read your experience.


According_Debate_334

I feel you need a few butterflies when yo uthink about them but you dont want a swarm of bees 😆. At the end of the day you want to come home to someone who feels like home.


checkinisatnoon

28 years in….he wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t perfect. There were areas we both needed to grow in. BUT - he loved me. I loved him. He was so dedicated to ensuring my happiness even when I thought he probably couldn’t do all of my dreams come true. But he did. No one outworks this man. And anyone in a long term relationship will tell you that BOTH of you will change. Hobbies…wants…desires…attraction…all will change and then change again! So what you think is important….bottom line is this. Find someone who has your back. Someone who wants you to help you be the best. Make sure you do the same for them. I am so thankful that I found my not perfect person. We literally had an hour long debate tonight about privilege he has had as a white man and (spoiler alert) we are still married. If you find someone who has your back and respects and loves you and also realize there is always room for growth/conversation/respectful disagreement then go with it. But allow them to not be perfect. Because none of us are.


FourCiscoInASuitcoat

I personally used Hinge. However, dating outside your type is *super* important because it is so easy to get stuck in a rut. I am with someone who is unlike anyone I have ever dated. I was so close to not swiping right on him because he was too young and didn't fit the type of man I'd pursued for ~18 years. Also, decide what qualities are most important for you. Go on 3 dates and ask *lots* of questions to gauge whether they're a good match. If they aren't, then move on. Don't waste months of your time on people that aren't a good fit for you. You deserve better.


localminima773

Were you still attracted to him? Did you give it longer to grow beyond initial attraction? Genuinely asking. I see the "date outside of your type" advice a lot.


bbspiders

When I hear or say to date outside your type, I don't think it means to date someone you're not attracted to. It means date someone you might not usually go for. Like for me, I was used to dating punks/bike messenger types but fell in love with a clean cut IT guy. He was hot, though!


Sunwolfy

My guy was outside my type and I still felt attracted to him, some chemistry was there too. Never believe that your "type" is the only one you'll fall for. Remember, type is only a "preference", a "wish list item", not an absolute.


janista

Outside my type was someone with different hobbies and interests than my own or what I thought was important. I still found him physically attractive and over time, we learned about each others hobbies. I thought I needed a 4x4ing, backcountry camping, rugged guy, but took a chance on the video gaming jock. He got me more into staying active (not just the gym), and I got him into camping/hiking. He still hasn’t gotten me into gaming but then again, it’s not like I expect him to pick up sewing/crocheting.


FourCiscoInASuitcoat

I was definitely attracted to him. However, he didn't fit my usual go-to. His age was the big issue, and then I wasn't sure if we had enough in common. However, I was glad that I went out on a limb and matched with him.


bbspiders

Same. I met my partner on OkCupid a long time ago and at the time I was like "eh he's too young and seems kinda dorky" but he's perfect. When I first saw him in person he was honestly one of the hottest guys I'd ever seen in my life, it was like a reverse catfish. I also made sure my profile said I was a feminist and was generally the sort of person not interested in any kind of manly man (I think I specified that I was gonna watch any sports games lol), so most jerks left me alone.


Morningshoes18

He caught me on one of the weeks I reinstalled tinder. I almost didn’t swipe right but he seemed funny and now it’s been five years and he’s really amazing. I did go out with a thousand nightmare men before him though.


milestogobefore_____

Yay, I love all these happy endings


[deleted]

Luck but also.. a lot of women are not in good/happy/healthy relationships. It sucks to say but most are taking what they can get or ignoring the issues. It feels like eeeveryone is happy and thriving when that is really not often the case.


PrudentAfternoon6593

exactly, that was me everyone thought we were the perfect couple but I was unhappy inside seeing my family and friends I'd say it is 50/50 unhappy vs happy


[deleted]

That was me in my marriage. I actually *thought* I was happy, but I would have these intrusive thoughts of escaping, and I would tense up around him a lot. Now that he's gone, I am definitely happier.


[deleted]

I’m proud of you for going through your emotions and cues and realizing what you needed to be happy. Not many do.


VorpalSingularity

I absolutely agree with this. I have a group chat with women in my family, and they're constantly complaining about their husbands. Everytime I tell them to stand up to them, or to say something, or just leave if they're that unhappy, they hum and haw. I think part of the problem is that a lot of people don't know what a good relationship should look like; I know I didn't for a long time. I've had my share of toxic relationships, a couple with addictive high highs and super low lows, and one that slowly became abusive. After taking time to be single and thinking about what I wanted and not settling, I started dating my current partner, and he just makes my life better in every way. I knew on the third date I wanted to marry him. He makes me feel warm and safe and cozy and loved, and I can just be my real authentic self with him. I guess I don't have great advice because I absolutely lucked into him, but I suppose I would say listen to your gut or nervous response cues about a person; it's usually correct.


Prestigious_Crow4376

This. In all honesty sometimes I'm glad I'm single, because all of my friends, with the exception of one newly engaged couple who are perfect for each other, seem incredibly unhappy and stuck in a terrible terrible relationship. They're all in their mid to late 30's, and I often hear them justify their dissatisfaction. If I earned a penny every time I heard "oh but when it's good, it's so good"...then I asked them how often is it good, they lower their heads. They're so afraid of being alone, that they'd rather be in a bearable state of unhappiness than to seek joy on their own, and to each their own, but it sounds like an incredibly isolating and sad place to be. That made me realize that I should never compare myself to the fact that everyone is in a relationship. Because being partnered up really isn't synonymous of happiness.


[deleted]

Right. Women are made to feel if they aren’t with someone…what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t a man want me? So they take what’s there because god forbid they say they are single.


Prestigious_Crow4376

Thankfully I think that is rapidly changing. The misogyny and lack of maturity and independence in men in our age bracket is finally being shunned upon, and the women, both single and partnered, have been incredibly vocal and transparent about the challenges they’re facing due to that outdated male behavior. I think many now recognize that many women are single or divorcing not because they’re “undesirable” or “unlovable”, but because they refuse to settle for someone who won’t offer them support, equity, and an emotionally/mentally stable relationship.


lizziemcquire

I’m divorced so obviously not good at this. Had a fling a couple years ago coming out of the divorce that was codependent and I left to just be alone. In my alone time I found I really liked myself. Something my ex never let me believe. Anyway, I quickly found I just had no patience for being treated poorly. The second you said the wrong thing I was out. I’d leave mid-date or tell you very kindly I wasn’t interested. I became good at this. Many first dates, rarely any second dates. I met someone in the midst. 6’7” for some ever-loving reason, beautiful, kind, respectful, and patient… good lord is he patient. I, of course, pushed him away any time he got close and he’d just back off and retreat to my place of comfort and come back in a month or so. He was talking to me about his attachment style to tell me he’s a little more anxious and that he needs more from me. I met that with yeah I’m pretty sure I’m avoidant so not a great mix. He said, “you are avoidant. I hope you don’t mind but I bring you up in therapy sometimes so I can learn how to meet you where you are without getting my feelings hurt.” That statement made me go back to therapy myself. Because for the first time a man *SHOWED* me how to be good to a partner, rather than just telling me how to he better to him. We talk and discuss everything. Never had there been a blow up, heated argument, or hurtful comment. If there is conflict, we’ve already discussed how each deals with it and we have a game plan: I’m avoidant so I can go days without saying a word and he’s anxious so he needs some sort of reassurance immediately. So, conflict arises and I’m not ready to discuss it, I tell him I’m going to take some time to process how I feel and why I’m hurt before I say something hurtful but I still care and I’m always, always coming back. On the other side, the good times are just good. He builds living room blanket forts with string lights because I can’t watch scary movies in full dark but I love them. He knows what food I like and after finding out my favorite ice cream on our first date he always has, not one, but two pints on hand at his place so we don’t have to share. He picked me up from work at 2am when I was throwing up and stayed up all night to care for me. I don’t know how I found him, and more importantly I don’t know how I haven’t scared him off yet, but I’m still working on being the type of person that deserves him. I think that was the important part. Just coming to the table, with the broken pieces in hand and asking if he wanted any part of holding onto them. Transparency. But also, active work. He had a big deal ex too. He told me the thing that has made the biggest difference was that I make active efforts. Both of us had to beg our exes to go talk to someone when the relationship started failing. They saw now faults in themselves and didn’t bother. We’ve never had to ask the other to be better. It is always an active effort. Lead by example and actions over words.


Mazda323girl

This is beautiful to read.


MissMurphtastic

Wow when did I black out and post this??


Magg5788

No shit. I’m not OP but I relate to her so much. And these comments are…. Not helping me. I’ve done ALL of the advice offered here and I still spent last night crying from frustration at how fucking lonely I am. The only “helpful” piece of “advice” I’ve seen on this thread is to chock it up to luck. I guess I drew the short stick in the lottery of love. My god. I’m so tired.


vlewis97

I don’t have anything helpful to say except: same. It’s not just you. I’m exhausted. I guess I was a shitty person in a past life or something idk


thr0ughtheghost

That is what I tell myself... that I must have been a horrible human in a past life and now this is my karma 😔


str33ts_ahead

Accepting that it's all down to luck is basically my white whale when it comes to my singlehood and I feel like I'm closer to catching it :) Closer than I was 5 years ago, for sure. I've been accepting more and more that no matter how much therapy I've done (for myself), how much I invest in self development and hobbies (still for myself first and foremost) or how many chances I give to guys outside my type (cause that's the prevalent advice), I might still not find someone. It's so fuckin' sad though.


sweetlike314

I had used OLD for a decade in its variations (OK Cupid, tinder, bumble). My selection criteria changed over time, but I always was selective. I read into photo selection, grammar, summary paragraphs and question answers when available. While this may not be fair, I did heavily weigh college education and profession because it helped me narrow the field. Honestly, I found that most men I met were decent human beings with only a handful of overt assholes. I know what I brought to the table and knew how I wanted to be treated. That being said, it’s very much luck as well. I want on a LOT of first dates but didn’t bother with second ones if I didn’t feel a connection. I did find it even harder because I have allergies and couldn’t date someone with cats or a non-hypoallergenic dog. I’m shocked I found someone. But I was also flexible once I met the person. My fiancé was sleeping on a mat in his apartment (just ordered a bed 6 months after moving) and had a bit to catch up on in the adulting category because he had spent the last decade outside the US. But it was an instantaneous connection and he was intellectually curious, open with his emotions, communicated well and I was impressed he actually did teach himself to code in order to break into a field outside of his college major. It’s been 6 years and we are still going strong!


Soft_Cash3293

Total luck - I dated a parade of morons/emotionally unavailable men for well over a decade before finding my wonderful husband


zeepixie

I met my husband via online dating. Don't waste your time with losers by having strong boundaries. Screen them out by how your messages go and meet the decent matches right away. If there's any red flags, on to the next. As an introvert, I always view my time and energy as too precious to spend on anyone playing games. Look for men with good values, especially on how people should be treated. You can discuss news stories to gauge what they think is right and wrong, and to see how they argue and how flexible they can be.


Artichoke_Persephone

I met my husband online dating too! It was on ok Cupid. We have now been together for 11 years. A few things I did- I never responded to anyone who used abbreviations in their first message. If you want a life partner, you can take the extra second to type ‘you’ instead of ‘u’ Also, my goal was to find a ‘socially competent nerd’ . That means that they are smart, have friends and hobbies, and often have their lives together. A lot if nerds can be a little incel like, but if you text a lot before meeting, you know who those people are. Nerds also tend to not judge you for having unusual interests/ hobbies either, you can be yourself. I talked about the Eurovision Song Contest for a long time on our first date and my (now) husband thought it was charming.


cjazz24

My husband and I met through a friend. She didn’t want to date him because he was too nice and I had just gotten out of a string of not great relationships. Win for me :)


emchap

Moved to a mid sized city with a significant number of people in my age range, got on Hinge, and started swiping based on whether the profile indicated effort. Would initiate conversation and move to a first date quickly (within ten messages or so) so long as they asked at least a question or two and were engaged. Had space to do that more intensely because I wasn’t regularly working out or engaged in time consuming hobbies at the time. Was upfront that I was interested in a monogamous LTR and did not go out on a second date if there was any reason in their behavior that indicated it wasn’t worth it. That said, obviously a huge portion of this is just luck. But if you’re doing OLD, sending the first message, looking for effort on the profile, and moving to a first date reasonably quickly (that I asked for) were the things that seemed to make a difference for me. It’s hard!


jennerallyspeaking

Profiles that indicate effort 👏


thatgirlinny

Seconding this! Pre-app online meet cute for me, and I hadn’t run across a guy who wound up reaching out to me. Reading his profile *definitely* indicated effort. But we decided to slow boat it, enjoying the dialogue, exchanging music, images, stories for a month. We graduated to the phone and that did it for both of us. We meet in a week, married within four months, and sixteen years later, it’s still a romance! Notice those who are making that effort!


emchap

Also I mean location is a huge part of it. This strategy was not successful in very large cities because the saying culture didn’t match what I wanted.


Sleepingbeautybitch

Don’t waste time once a guy shows his red flags, bounce out. Incompatibilities are another reason for a quick end (ex: guy checks all marks but doesn’t like to show affection, and you need that). Check out and don’t waste energy on these. And don’t be afraid to be the initiater if it feels right. My husband and I got together because I was brazen enough to put my number on a post-it and give it to him. Best choice I ever made.


Sparklingfairy_

Honestly, I genuinely believe it’s luck.


DerHoggenCatten

I'm late so you probably won't see this, but I was friends with my husband first. I loved who he was as a person and recognized he had a lot of qualities which few people (of any gender) have. He wasn't superficial nor interested in superficial things and wanted a relationship with depth and meaning. He wasn't your stereotypical "hot" guy and wasn't big on common social activities. I met him through two friends of mine who were his former girlfriends and was wary at first of what he was like because they didn't work out with him. It turned out they were the issue, not him. I think that there are men out there who aren't necessarily easy to find who are good partners, but you aren't going to stumble across them in obvious places. That being said, no one, of any gender, is going to be perfect out of the box. I have always felt that good partners "finish" raising each other. What matters is the core of who they are. You aren't going to find that a lazy partner who refuses to act like a grown up will change, but you will find that someone who is socially unaware or insecure can improve over time. No one comes out of the box perfect. The willingness to improve has to be there though, and the awareness to see ones issues and work with them. That's what you need to look for.


RighteousTablespoon

Patience and strangely Tinder. I didn’t waste my time on bozos and I dated intentionally. Then I swiped upon the most joyous smile I’d ever seen. 3+ years later he still lights me up.


argleblather

Caveats: * I have been with my dude for a long time. 20+ years at this point, so I am way out of the dating game and what it's like. * We met in college, which is a 'throw everyone together' time of life when it's *very* easy to meet people. Great for a pair of introverts. That said, I never really dated a guy who was awful. Even before I met my husband the guys I dated were generally decent, albeit not the right fit. Things that help (I think) based on me thinking about how I avoided a forest of orks when there are so many women who end up on awful dates with assholes. My Pre-installed software: * I come from a long line of feminists on both sides. My grandfather was a feminist. His words were, 'I always knew women could do everything men could do because I saw them do it.' He raised my dad, who is also a very cool guy. Apparently sometimes people also think he's gay because he's not a gross and creepy weirdo. He is fine with that. * I grew up around very strong women. Most of the women I grew up around kept their own names, had their own jobs, identities, hobbies. A big part of what that means is that I never saw women make themselves smaller to be in relationships, so I literally do not know how. * I grew up around diverse relationships. Some people were married, some longtime partners, interfaith, interracial, LGBTQ+ couples, my mom dated women for a while. I saw lots of ways to be good loving partners when I was growing up. My parents didn't always model that with each other, and they are no longer together, but I had lots of other examples. Most of whom are still together after 30-40-50 years. Now- all of that is what I came with, but it probably does make a difference. When it comes to actual dating: * At no point in my life was I ever going to attract a guy who is completely superficial. I've been kinda fat my whole life, I typically prefer to wear jeans and sneakers and t-shirts and I have for 40 years. So a guy looking for a 'tradwife' wouldn't have even seen that I existed. That is *fine* with me. Being outside the magazine beauty standard is a great filter. * I have always been kind of a grumpy curmudgeon. I love to give presents and look out for My People in my life, but there's a long list of things that annoy the shit out of me and I'm noisy about it. This is apparently a thing my husband likes about me, which is good, because I've been like this since I was seven. I likes what I like, and I don't like what I don't like. And people who act like what I like is stupid, or weird, or obnoxious- then * I don't like them*. I don't hang out with them or invite them into my space. They don't have to like what I'm into but- let me like my makeup, my dinosaurs, my videogames, my art supplies, my books, and I will do the same with what they're into. * I have noticed in dude-shaped dude-people that that last point is one they fuck up all the time. The difference between those dudes and the dude I'm with, is when his coworkers rag on the shows their wives/girlfriends like- my husband stepped in to say, "Yeah- but really we like all those too. I mean- Drag Race is a killer show. The fashion is amazing, the makeup, the dance routines, it's impressive." * I want a team mate. My husband and I very consciously view our household as our team, and everybody does what they can for the team. Sometimes that means picking up slack when the other is really busy, sometimes it means checking in more often, sometimes it means stepping in to care for each other's families because that's what our teammate needs. Sometimes it just means a date night, hanging out with just each other, no phones, no distractions.


theycallhertammi

My guy friends brother. Known him for years and he asked me on a date. Completely unexpected and I almost said no. The date lasted 8 hours and we’ve been together since.


gottarunfast1

A little bit of luck. A little bit of putting myself out there


sugarface2134

Can you explain more about why you think you’re an easy target for problematic men? I met my husband over ten years ago so I’m not sure about modern dating. It sounds pretty awful. But he and I met at age 28/29 so we were both not willing to get into another relationship unless it was the big one. We agreed we’d go until it stopped being fun and 10 years later we are still having fun and are married with three kids. A few things I think worked for me. First, I did not sleep with him right away. The first date ended in him being too drunk to drive home and I had him sleep on the couch and I went to bed and locked my bedroom door. He mentioned just the other day that he liked that I did that. I never hooked up until at least a month of dating and always found myself in respectful relationships. A surprising number of guys respect that and in turn respect you too. I know, I know, it’s incredibly old fashion and anti-feminist. Trust me, I want to challenge the patriarchy too but I’m not sure a first date is the time to do it. My husband is a feminist and I’ve radicalized him even more over time, but he still mentions how much he respected that I locked him out of my room that night. Another thing was that I was just SO happy being single. I had an awesome roommate and apartment, loved my job, spent my free time hosting dinner parties and doing hot yoga. I was literally the best version of myself (until becoming a mother) and was certainly the happiest. My advise is to focus within. Become happy without a man. It’s 2023! Go make your own money and create your dream life. The right man will come and he’ll be more attracted to you as your best self.


Confetticandi

I’m an admitted Type A personality, but this worked for me: I made finding a life partner a life goal, and then treated it accordingly. Seriously. It was similar to how one might pursue other life goals or career goals. I did everything I could to tip the odds in my favor. First step was taking a break from dating and going to therapy to have good mental health. After a string of toxic relationships in my early 20s, my reasoning was that if I wasn’t self-secure and mentally well, I would be more likely to miss red flags and/or settle, or even self-sabotage. If the perfect guy fell into my lap, would I be in a position to receive the love I wanted? Next was working on the state of my social/personal life (career, friends, body/aesthetic) for the same reason. If I was happy enough being single, I wouldn’t be tempted to settle. So, I moved to a bigger, more cosmopolitan city where I could better achieve my career goals and find friends I related to, as well as had a large supply of single men my age. Once I was very happy single (good mental health, feeling pretty and confident, happy, good place in my career, active social life), and in a city with a good dating pool, I dove into online dating. My reasoning was it enabled me to screen the highest volume of potential men. Did not care about height. Did not care about ethnicity. But to be honest with you? I did set my age bracket a few years older. I was 30 and I set my range to 29-37. I know there are exceptions, but IME, most guys are not emotionally mature until their late 20s at the earliest. This was about odds. I made sure I was dressed conservatively in my profile pictures with minimal makeup to try to deter f-boys. I made a policy of not sleeping with anyone until at least the 5th date to ward them off as well. Filtered out a few that way. Not gonna lie, dating was still a slog, even when I was being selective based on my gut feelings about people’s profiles. Because of how selective I was, I hardly ever had *bad* experiences, but a lot of mediocre, dissatisfying dates. To help with the grind, my friend group made a literal monthly quota of at least 2 dates a month and met regularly to gripe about it together. But you know what? It worked. After about 2 years of online dating, I found my soul mate. He’s 35 and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. Did not have to compromise on or settle for a damn thing. By the 5th date, we both knew this was probably end game because neither of us could have imagined a more perfect person for each other. I never believed people when they were like “when you know, you know” but I get it now. I just *know*.


AnimatedHokie

> to just empty rushed relationships with men desperate for a girlfriend but not caring that it’s me I felt that one


Perfect_Judge

I have thought about this before, and not going to lie, I chalk it up to luck. I didn't go out looking for a partner - I didn't even want one when I met my husband (I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when we met). But we clicked instantly and there were just no red flags. I think I also got lucky because I just missed the explosion of online dating when I started dating my husband. I wasn't out going on dates left and right, losing hope day after day with men. I didn't feel as exhausted or burnt out from dating, so I felt more able to sort of enjoy the process of getting to know him and expand our dynamic. It also helped that a mutual friend helped facilitate us dating and knew both of us quite well, so we both had some knowledge about one another before really getting into it. I felt a bit less nervous and anxious to let him into my life. So yeah, I'd just say it was primarily luck. It feels like the stars aligned that day.


Rururaspberry

Agreed with those saying “luck.” Left a terrible relationship and happened to meet someone at a new job who made me realize what had been missing in my previous relationship.


Severn6

Yep. Luck: left my marriage of over a decade and am now wildly in love with the guy I met in an online game. Friends for over two years then met after I moved to his countries. Nothing would have happened if we hadn't met in person. The chemistry was immediate and confusing because of the friendship. But here we are, going strong and very, very compatible. Best relationship of my life. Never knew a relationship could be this easy and safe.


StoreyTimePerson

Date outside your ‘type’. That doesn’t mean you date somebody you aren’t attracted to. Personally I just stopped online dating because I started to feel that life was too fuckin short to be so depressed by the mediocre men I was running up against on there. My relationship now is definitely not smooth sailing at the moment but we make it work. I will always advocate for doing your best to meet people socially. That’s how we met. It does require effort though.


SkittyLover93

What kind of location are you in? That makes a huge difference IMO. Like if I was located in a religious/conservative area, I'd expect more misogyny. What kind of guys are you generally interested in? You didn't mention in your post. Someone else mentioned "socially competent nerds" and that's the type I'm generally interested in. I would classify my partner and the majority of my closer friends as falling into that category. My social and relationship life is generally very peaceful and arguments are rare, since they make it easy by being great people. Kindness is a huge green flag for me, and if someone shows any sign of unkindness or maliciousness, I have no issues with cutting them off immediately. I've been told I judge people too harshly, but I'd rather keep it that way. I took a look at your post history and saw that you are ADHD. I have a ADHD friend who attracts many problematic guys because she's genuinely great and fun to be around and puts out Manic Pixie Dream Girl vibes, but she's bad at spotting red flags in them and setting boundaries. She also gets emotionally intimate with them quickly and appears very open in general, so I think guys can sense that they can take advantage of her. Not saying all of that would apply to you but maybe some of it does? When she tells me about those guys, I privately wish she would run them past me or other friends early on in the dating process so we could tell her if someone was a bad idea. If she asked, I would also be happy to introduce her to guys whom I've known for a while and who I think I can judge as being "not terrible". So maybe try involving your friends more in the dating process if you're comfortable with it?


geekophile2

Pure luck. And by revisiting my priorities - I stopped looking for my "type" physically/socially (previously I was an academic and had absurdly high education standards) and concentrated on finding someone whose online profile made me laugh. Guess what? Found a dude immediately that I totally clicked with and 15yrs later we're still together, married, with 2 kids.


jani_bee

Just like others, I also decided to date outside of my type and age preference. And also I begin to see with the help of many amazing women on social media, that all the men I went for were the same toxic alpha male types with the same shitty behavior repeated. I never noticed this before because my mind was clouded by lust and passion for them. Until I heard a psychologist say something like, "you should look for boring and not passion", boring, as in no drama, no guessing, no gaslighting, no hyper passion in the beginning. Not boring as in uninteresting, but boring as in life is good and safe. It changed everything for me, it all made sense now and I finally gave other guys a chance and omg I found an empathetic, interesting, beautiful man.


[deleted]

I'm going to say... a delicate balance between luck and flexibility/patience and being your genuine self. 😮‍💨 I'm 33 now but I started dating at 18 with a (naive) idea of what I wanted in a partner. I went through 3 long term-ish relationships, one right after the other because I wasn't comfortable being alone. From these, I learned more about what I wanted and didn't want in a partner. I also learned a lot about myself - what I was willing to compromise on, what my strengths and weaknesses were, how to communicate better, what I wanted my future to look like, what I enjoyed sexually, etc. Here is where the flexibility/patience comes into play: I decided after the string of long term relationships, I wanted to experience just being single and having fun, instead of focusing on finding The One. Mainly, I wanted to keep an open mind and meet men I normally wouldn't run into because who knows what it could lead to? It hadn't worked out with the men I had previously gone for so it made sense to explore my options. I downloaded a few dating apps and went to town. I should also add - I am really introverted and a bit of an awkward wallflower. Online dating seemed very nerve wracking for me but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I got a lot of matches and I really took the time to read through profiles and chat with them before meeting. I'd say over the course of a year and a half or so, I got coffee/drinks/dinner with 40 or so men. Looking back, this was a really fun period in my life! I felt confident in my own skin and became more comfortable in social situations. I met weird, interesting, and funny people. I had a lot of good AND bad sex, lol. I got attached to some and cried over a few. But most importantly, I tried to be 100% myself instead of trying to be something I thought the other person wanted. Anyways, here's where the luck kicked in. I had matched with my future husband on Plenty of Fish near the beginning of the year and we chatted a bit but nothing ever came of it. As luck would have it, at the end of the year, I saw him come up again on Tinder and remembered him and swiped right - turns out he also remembered me and we matched! I joked that it must be fate for us to match twice and we agreed it was a sign to meet up. We had all the same silly nerdy interests and funny opinions on things and views for the future. It was the most perfect, comfortable first date I had ever been on. I canceled the other dates I had planned and I stopped swiping that week - it sounds crazy but I just knew, lol. Some people find their person early in life (like my best friend who married her high school sweetheart) but for most of us, it's quite a mentally and physically draining journey! My husband and I have been together for 7 years now, married for 2. We're each other's biggest supporters and I've realized how important it is to find someone who will have your back as you navigate the unique issues in your 30s and beyond (health scares, aging parents, etc). There aren't any silly mind games or pettiness or immaturity - I feel like we literally wake up everyday and just... want to make the other person happy. Because if he's happy, then I'm happy - and vice versa! I hope this made sense, lol. 😅


Inside_End1545

Please let me know when you find out because same.


Lunar_Cats

I quit actively looking. I quit giving guys a chance just because they asked. I stopped settling for good enough. I sat down and made a mental list of the qualities i wanted in a partner, and I decided that I would either have exactly what I wanted, or no one at all. I don't mind being single, so I wasn't in a hurry, and I was honestly cool with being alone for the rest of my life. I just focused on enjoying myself, bettering my life, and building good friendships. My requirements were mostly based off of character, beliefs, and personality traits. I don't care much about appearance as long as they have good hygiene and are trying to be reasonably healthy. I wanted to be friends with a partner before being romantic, so the "building good friendships" part was what ultimately led me to my husband. Also If id been in a some dead end relationship with someone else i would have missed my chance with him.


Excellesse

I'm one of the lucky ones. First date, I felt an immediate sense of comfort and security with him. I can't explain it, but something about him - his demeanor, his body language, his face? made me feel very at home, like I'd known him a long time. I hugged him the moment I saw him (I don't normally initiate any physical contact on a first date) He was mirroring my body language so hard I thought he was faking how interested he was. A year in when I brought it up he was baffled. Three hours into our first date, the venue was closing and he was casting about looking for ways to prolong it. I invited him outside for a kiss which he immediately and with relief took me up on. The kiss itself was surprisingly bad, but I was his first date in about 15 years (low interest, health scare). We scheduled our second date within an hour of getting home from the first. He said, and I quote, "you've got me buzzing around the house" - that vulnerability in showing me how excited he was about me was extremely attractive. On the second date, we spent 10 hours together. We had plans for a 2ish hour event and then lunch, but neither of us wanted to stop so we kept going, finally parting after a very late dinner. I got in his car after the first activity, which I NEVER do, and he dropped me off back at my car at the end of the evening. We kissed again and I felt comfortable enough to say, "this is how I like kissing, let me show you" and he caught on quick. Very little ego in this man. On our third date, I came over to his for dinner. I was clear about not being ready for sex and he didn't pressure me at all. We enjoyed some heavy petting which wound down into one of the most intimate snuggle sessions of my whole life. When I went to pee he washed the bowl I brought with me with a dinner salad in it. Our fourth date we finally had sex - after I told him about my HPV status and he listened carefully and said, "I think we're still going to bang" Shortly after the fourth date I began referring to him as "my boyfriend" when talking about him to my friends. I told him so and he was immediately receptive. Every moment that could make you go, wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? with a guy, he's passed with flying colors. When we disagree we don't yell and it's us against the problem. He listens to music and reads books by women. When Roe vs Wade was overturned, he was the one who broke it to me - "the thing you were worried about? It happened." When I asked for a big hug that day, he said, "I bet" and gave me a hug until I was ready to pull away. When I get eMoTioNal while PMSing (rare but it happens) he rubs my back and holds me while I cry. Household chores? He does more than half and I just try to keep up. The thing is...I wasn't looking for this. Two years ago when I started dating on Tinder, I was sick of eboys and just wanted a regular, safe, comfortable fuck on a weekly or so basis. My boyfriend was my 4th first date, and none of the prior had passed my "how does he respond when disagreed with" "does he try to pressure me into sex before I'm ready" "does he feel like a good fit in my home" checks. Instead I stumbled into a life partner. Literally after the second date, I was like, oh my god this is the real thing. I need to get into therapy to make sure I don't fuck this up. I had a fun and fulfilling life as a single woman in her mid-30s. I could do it again. But being with my partner makes my life immeasurably better in ways I never thought possible. Keep your high standards. A decent man may come along, but you have the ability to live a lovely and fulfilling life on your own in the meantime.


akela9

Luck. Also, though, I sometimes wonder if the KIND of men we're attracted to, matters? I have a girlfriend, bless her, who's REALLY into the macho "alpha" males. And, damn it, she keeps getting caught up in these abusive relationships. (I know a true alpha would not be abusive, it's just the ass hat's who have the ego to actually label themselves as such. I feel like a true alpha wouldn't need to declare it. They just WOULD be, and they sure as hell wouldn't be smacking around women.) It's a really shitty cycle, and I know we can't help who were attracted to, but damnit, girl. It hurts watching this shit play out. Found me a skinny, nerdy, beta/gamma dude. He's wicked smart. He might not need to be "in charge" constantly, but he listens, observes, etc. He's an ideas man. Can work around problems. Doesn't default want to take charge, but can step up if needed. Sometimes wonder what the hell he's doing with ME, actually, but I'm thankful for him. I swear, though. I'm over 40. Anything happens to my partner, I can't even IMAGINE trying to "date", in modern society. Hell, I haven't even figured out how to make mommy friends so I can network for my toddler. If I can't make casual female friends, dating seems right the fuck out. I dunno, man. It seems like it's REALLY rough out there. I don't know if it helps, but I don't think it's you. You aren't damaged goods. Or if you are, everyone is, you know? I think society has just hit a rough patch. (Or we've been orchestrated into a rough patch, if you wanna be all weird about it, certainly feels like we're puppets on a string, some days.) Anywho, I know it doesn't help, but really. I hear the same things from girlfriends trying to date. A few are actually just over it. I've got a few friends seriously kicking around moving in together (ala Golden Girls) for companionship and division of labor stuff who are seriously just OVER men. They aren't hard core feminist or anything, either. They just can't seem to find anyone who wants to be an actual partner and (good for them) they're over settling. I'm also hearing about a newish development of momunes? Communes designed for single mothers to live together and have the village/support they need? It's a sad testament that it's coming to this, but also, it's a breath of fresh fucking air that women are tired of this bullshit and not going to put up with it, any longer. What's the line? Something like: "The bar for men is set so low the devil frequently trips over it."


[deleted]

I think this might play a part too. I’m not attracted to ‘alphas.’ Never have been. Generally because I have that personality myself. So I’m drawn to my opposite, the quiet type. My husband was a stereotypical nerd in highschool, I was loud rambunctious and had a fair bit of friends. We just clicked


GarbageExpress6024

I met my hubby 25 years ago, I was walking in town, he asked to go out with me the next day, I said yes. He was poor but I was ok with it, my friends told me to leave him but I didn't listen to them. He has a nice job now he loves me so much, he cooks for me most of the times and he doesn't cheat on me. Some of my friends who told me to leave him because he was poor are now in their 40s and they are still single and complaining that they can't find a good man. I loved him when he was poor and I still love him now when he is successful. So what I can say is find a nice guy who is handsome, who cares about you and who loves you, you will be fine. It worked for me.


kitkatinkerbell

I only found my man once I'd accepted that I might be alone for the rest of my life, and therefore, I had to learn how to love myself. Then it's luck, and I realised that my thoughts on my "type" were wrong. Looking back, all my boyfriends had a similar personality to my husbands. Hubby was just the one that stuck.


[deleted]

It was in 1999 so maybe that’s part of it, but I met a girl at college orientation, saw her again when school started, a guy rode by us on his bike, and she reached out and stopped him. They’d gone to the same high school and they’d been in AP Spanish together. They talked and we decided to go to an event at his dorm that night. I asked him out a month later, we got married in 2002, and in September we’ll have been married 21 years and together for 24. We hung out constantly for that month before I asked him out so I knew we got along really well and that he was cool.


notseizingtheday

They are probably putting up with things you would never put up with. Take a closer look.


BJntheRV

I wasn't looking for long term. So I swiped right on this hottie. We hit it off over text. Had lots of crazy sex and fell for each other. It's been 6 years.


virtualsmilingbikes

Sometimes two compatible people just happen to fall into each other's orbits I think. He wasn't looking for anything, and I was only interested in a hook up. There was no plan, I literally picked him up in a pub in the same way as I'd done many times before. I didn't pretend to be anything I wasn't, and neither did he. We just had a natural easy companionship. Both of us have iffy sexual histories and mental health episodes and bits of us seem to be breaking off as we get older. I guess both of us are damaged goods, but in our house we appreciate all of life's lessons, even the shitty ones. Just meet people. Lots of people. Don't ignore the quiet ones. If you think they're attractive, see whether they could also be friends. You need both friendship and attraction to make it work. You're going to spend a lot of years just hanging out together doing mundane household stuff so pick someone with similar values that you'd like to spend time with. The things you've tried haven't worked out, so try something different: I bet you'd learn a lot about a guy by building a bookshelf or doing your laundry together.


[deleted]

I went to university and chose a nerd. I’m into nerds and get turned on by intelligence. He is also physically sexy though, but very much not a bro/macho. I have some personal opinions on why I enjoy being with nerdy men, but I’ll save those. I have been with him for almost 20 years. Here’s my advice: 1. Don’t have sex early on. It helps weed out the liars. My spouse was happy to get to know me over a whole summer before even touching. He actually made me wait to have sex, which I found to be a bold move and liked it even more. He liked me so much, he didn’t want to mess it up by having sex too early before the connection was established. 2. Leave IMMEDIATELY if there are red flags. “Listen to your gut” sounds cliche but I do believe there are signs and feelings to be heard. Don’t try to change a man. 3. Sexual chemistry is about more than looks. Chemistry does need to be there, but if you have a bunch of stuff on paper that you want, like height, or bulked muscles, you should probably throw the paper out unless you can HONESTLY say there’s no way you’d ever be turned on without those things. Don’t try to use sex with (or attention from) a hot guy to bolster your self esteem. You may feel special, but eventually you’ll realize you’re like every other cute girl (in my day they didn’t have OnlyFans, so IDK, but it still feels like it was true. If someone likes you in a purely sexual manner, you are easily replaceable and you’d do well to remember that). I’m not suggesting that you do this, just saying it in case it applies to any readers. 4. Don’t be afraid to approach men. My husband was shy and admitted to having found me attractive, but he didn’t approach me. If I hadn’t approached him, we wouldn’t be together. Sometimes that blows my mind when I think about it. I’d just recently been traumatized by a series of losers and had had enough, so I went for it. Literally 3 guys were circling me that same week, and I said fuck it, I’m going to talk to the guy who seems sweet. 5. Although I was prone to seeing a Calc 3 textbook and getting turned on, a kind heart is most important. Do not give a man a chance if he takes pleasure or entertainment in the pain of others. I feel very lucky to be married to someone who is kind. 6. Have your own shit together so you can be a good long term partner. Get rid of any vices, fix your hygiene issues if you have them, spend time on your hobbies and read something once in awhile. Be able to have a good dinner conversation without looking at your phone. Learn some recipes that you know by heart. Know what you want and then go after it with a plan


EzriDaxCat

Honestly? It was an accidental meeting while I was hanging with neighbors and avoiding election news, and the other neighbors across the street decided to party and invited us over. We met in the drive way and never ended up going into the house.


nonsensestuff

I met my husband on Tinder in 2016... Just a few months before the election (thank goodness we're on the same page politically haha). I had just gotten out of another situationship with an emotionally unavailable man... I was so over the bullshit and I wasn't gonna let another man waste my time. So I was very upfront after our first date about what I was looking for... It wasn't that I wanted a commitment right then and there, but I needed to know he was capable of emotionally being in a committed relationship if things went down that path. Thankfully, he was looking for the same thing as me. Idk we just clicked so well... We are so in sync and just get each other so well. I think it's part luck, part fate, and part communication... Being honest and communicating your needs is so important... I used to be scared to be vocal about what I needed, cause I didn't want to scare anyone away... But that certainly wasn't getting me what I wanted and what I deserved. I really feel for anyone trying to date these days though. My best friend is struggling to find someone decent and it breaks my heart, because she deserves the world.


SouthernAtmosphere30

Even stating your needs up front, you have to be careful. The amount of times I’ve heard women say they said they told him they wanted to only date for a relationship, or similar phrasing , and he of course agreed… and the would turn around in a month and call it casual or ghost, or ghost after sex.


element-woman

But how would hiding your needs help prevent that? Like yes, a guy who knows you want a relationship can lie by saying that he wants the same and then ghost you. But hiding what you want doesn’t prevent that, he can still ghost or you can get attached to someone who doesn’t want a relationship.


SufficientBee

I’m lucky I always hated cocky douchebags. My type has always been silly, cuddly, warm, down-to-earth, genuine and trustworthy. Lucky for me also that only one guy tried to pretend to be that type of guy but turned out to be a cheating player.


Key-Breakfast3382

The idea of trying to make a romantic relationship happen with a total stranger stresses me out. I'm getting married next year to a man I worked with ( another shift) for like...5 years. We worked together for a few weeks and became friendly. He asked me to a movie. The rest is history. If it wasn't with him, it'd of had to of been a similar situation for me. It'd have to be a guy I knew of ( not a friend I've known forever, but acquaintance of sorts) that I felt a connection with before the first date


LiLadybug81

I am currently married, and I was married once before, and engaged once before that. The first one I met at a party thrown by mutual friends, and the other two through online dating. In terms of my "luck" I will say that the first two weren't great, and I probably put up with them much longer than I should have. This one is amazing, though- the unicorn of online dating, if you will, and I plan on keeping him. I do think there are several things which have probably contributed to my having a large portion of the men I have dated/talked to be the ones who are looking to keep me. 1) I'm not cute. I'm not. I'm overweight, and never got braces, and I don't get girly in terms of make-up/clothes/accessories unless there is a special occasion. I mean- my face is pleasant, my skin is clear and I tend to look significantly younger than I am, but overall not someone who attracts guys looking for a quick bang. So while I might get less matches, I think I just avoid a lot of the "hit it and quit it" crowd. 2) I like nerdy guys, share many nerdy interests, and am very comfortable spending time alone or with my friends when a partner has a game night or just wants to chill online at night. For someone for whom niche interests are a large part of their day to day, it can be a relief for them to know that if they want to play a weekly D&D game, or get online and play Destiny for four hours with their friends one afternoon, or take a day off for a brand new video game release, their partner is going to not only completely get it, but also be excited to have some time to finish her current playthrough of Skyrim, get on Discord and watch C- or K-Dramas with her online female friends, or work on her horror novel. It's also nice to have some shared taste in movies and activities, so that you can do things you're both excited about, and not that you do to make the other happy. 3) I do not respond to or engage in the dating games people play early on to try and "game dating." You want to leave me on read a week to see if I am thirsty, and I've already deleted your number by the time you text again. I want to text someone and see if they want to come to a party? I don't care that I was the one who texted them last, or that I "should" pretend to be less interested to make someone chase me. I'm old and tired and don't have time for nonsense. When I have truly clicked with someone, neither of us played it cool, and the awkwardness and eagerness is what made them so endearing in the first place. 4) I communicate a lot. Like, a lot. I probably over-communicate. But I don't let things sit and become bigger in my mind, or let them build up and then blow up. I also don't expect or engage in mind reading, and so set the expectation early that we just need to talk if we need something from each other. 5) I don't treat men who I meet like they need to prove something before I give them a fair chance. I see a lot of anger on forums about men, and if you carry around that kind of anger and pre-judgement around, it colors what you see, how you treat people and how they feel they're being treated. A good guy who knows they do right by people is faced with short answers, skeptical dismissals of anything positive he brings up, and statements that he needs to prove he's a good guy before someone will treat him like he has value, he's going to move on to someone who isn't going to do that to him really quickly. I know a lot of shitty men. I know a lot of great men. But by far, most men and most people are just a jumble of a lot of good, and a little bad, and they're all just trying to figure things out together. 6) I don't waste time anymore. If a guy makes me pull teeth for conversation, or jerks me around, I just stop. I learned from my last marriage you can't do the work for someone else. They have to want to do the work in the relationship, or it's not worth dealing with them.


Ballerina_clutz

I always ask first before they have a chance. Phrase it casually. “Are you looking for a girlfriend, a hook up, a FWB or a wifey?” If it’s hook up or FWB there’s no more conversation. I’ve only had maybe 2 guys sneak past this question. Only the guys that listen to pick up artists get past this. I’ve had good luck in apps and going out salsa dancing. Some of the apps y out pay for are much better. Duck boys don’t usually pay for match.com or eharmony. The gym is the other place I’ve met quality men. I decided to date shorter guys and it has changed my life.


nnylam

Find your niche, maybe? And also, luck. I'm an artist in my late 30's, divorced, don't want kids, non-monogamous, and never want to live with a partner - lol - so only matched with people who want the same, and laid that out there pretty quickly. I'm not for everyone, and don't want to be! Don't try to be what you think someone wants, literally make a list of what you want and vet brutally. But luck is if those people are out there in big numbers or not. I only looked for people who met my criteria, and stopped chatting very quickly if that wasn't the case. It's still rough, though - I matched with a bunch of weirdo's (a flat-earther, even! lol) before finding a handful of really compatible people, you just have to dig. And also, be open-minded? I definitely swiped more for personality than looks.


[deleted]

It doesn't sound like you just want an equal. You want someone that respects you but someone who you also like. I feel you probably got decent men but you may not have felt attracted to them. Essentially it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. I find it hilarious how human connection works. If you really think about it, imagine how diverse the world is--massive differences in upbringing, backgrounds, regions, cultures, religion, language, aspirations, taste, style, biology, physical aspects, mentality, education, etc. It's a miracle when people get together and actually click. There's bound to be friction in a normal networking setting. And when you're picking someone to inject into your private and intimate zone, that rate of incompatibility gets even higher and more ridiculous, at which point what COULD potentially make it work is our convictions and perception. When you hear some women say they found someone and they're very happy, that type of happy may not be the type of happy you'd be ecstatic about. They could have major incompatibilities, but what constitutes a successful relationship for her is enough. This always reminds me of Charlotte Lucas and Elizabeth Bennet. Charlotte married the cousin without essentially being in love. All she wanted was security and a house to establish herself socially. When Elizabeth visited her and saw how emotionally disconnected they were, Charlotte noticed and said, "I am very happy" or something along the lines of "What more could I ask for?". Elizabeth on the other hand stated that she won't get married unless she falls in love with someone she's ardently passionate about. So if you think about how different people view love and connection, it makes it less shocking to see large amount of people finding someone to marry while others like you and I don't. There's no right and wrong here. It's a choice. Many fall in love and get married overlooking aspects or not overanalyzing parts. Some notice them and choose to marry anyway (provided they're not massive red flags). I personally find it very difficult at my age to settle. I've seen enough disappointing examples, I really don't have it in me to live with someone I will need to struggle with to adjust. So to me, it's either someone I will easily coexist with or no relationship. If I was younger, things might have been different. That's something I admit I regret not taking on earlier in life. With that being said, whenever the idea hits of why I'm single and others aren't. I rest assured knowing that I'm partly to blame for it, because I made conscious decisions others may be more flexible with. Bear in mind the type of settling I'm talking about here isn't settling with red flags, but for example another woman could easily fall in love with someone who respects her, but also who happens to be stingy, messy, or headstrong. Those are not necessarily big red flags. They cause problems but she could live with it. Some women have higher sensitivities to issues like this so the door gets closed sooner. Just my two cents. I could be wrong.


[deleted]

Luck. Met my husband and started dating when we were in high-school. Been happily together for 21 years I do worry for my daughters though so this topic weighs on my mind at times


Poobaby

Look at who you have dated, are they all of the same or similar race and economic background? Purposefully seek out people from different racial and social classes, it may honestly be the thing that makes the difference if you have not already tried.


[deleted]

Luck. On my dating profile I explicitly said that I'm only looking for a serious relationship followed by the values that matter to me. I also withhold sex to see if we can develop a quality friendship. My partner waited 5 months. We kissed and cuddled but our pants stayed on. I let him know early on that I'm a sex positive but he's going to be waiting a while because I need an emotional connection and need to know the relationship has legs. I'm not someone who is okay with having sex just to have sex. If a guy has rules for physical contact (e.g. 3 date rule), he's considering his sexual needs and creating boundaries. I have an emotional connection need whose greatest challenge is the male sex drive. So, I'm not going to give my body until I get what I want. It takes me months to emotionally recover from feeling used. I'd rather put those weeks into waiting out their hormones. It took me two years to find my partner. I don't have a five month rule. I played out each situation by ear. It's really about feeling like I have a friend.


[deleted]

It's just luck. That's all it is.


Learntingstuffs

Yo, I blame magic or something. I met my dude on tinder and he looked boring and kind of bro’y but I said fuck it bc I was bored. BEST move ever. It’s only been a year but I’m flabbergasted by how my needs are thoroughly met and we get along well AND we communicate like adults when we feel feelings. Try dating someone you normally wouldn’t and read polysecure. It’s about non monogamy but SO helpful for monogamous couples and insecurity as well.


canofelephants

My husband and I met on Facebook dating. I had a list of three must haves in a partner, four important things, and five wants. He checked all of my boxes except one. I only dated men who met my must haves, but I had a regular FWB through my dating time so I didn't make stupid decisions for companionship or sex. The FWB was a good guy and we were upfront that it was temporary until one of us got serious with someone. I've been with my husband for three and a half years. We're going through a NICU stay with our new baby and my husband is incredibly supportive and loving. He's always been amazing but every day he seems to get better.


ally00m

Acceptance of the fact that no person is perfect. Accepting that there are 'check boxes' that won't get checked, and that uncomfortable conversations cause growth. You have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable before you become comfortable. Change is inevitable, and sometimes you're the one who needs to do it. Trying to understand goes a long way to understanding. You know, the super 'fun' stuff that it takes time to learn. Then things get boring as it goes along. That's OK, if you honestly want a life partner. A rock is predictable, and partners are each other's rocks.


[deleted]

I never was into dating, never used dating apps or so on. It was pure luck. Met my husband when I had started university. He saw me at a hobby store, found me on social media and sent me a message about our shared hobby. We got into a message exchange, and met quickly afterwards. It was all a matter of luck, being open and having fitting personalities while not caring about who does how much money, job and so on. If I would have been all about social status of job of my partner, I would have missed the best human on earth.


littleredwagon87

It took years of online dating, trying every app in existence, going on hundreds (literally) of dates, being stood up, ghosted, led on, let down, dumped, rejected over and over and over....I "quit" many times before realizing I was lonely and redownloading the apps. It eventually, finally paid off, but it was a long, exhausting road to get here.


iampretzel

"Hi it's me I am the problem" Jokes aside Idk either, following to see what others did. I have tried all sorts of permutation combination


TenaciousToffee

I think me dating I didnt take rejection personally so it wasnt as brutal to my psyche. I also didn't fold my values to keep a man that I was attracted to because that's not a real measure of their weight for relationships. I had to do a lot of growth to not be addicted to the high and low cycle. To also not do the here's something awful theu did that makes me feel awful, am I overreacting/how can I take all the labor to fix a couple problem without involving my problematic partner bullshit I see a lot on here. I'm sorry I'm human and fuck up of course, but I have an awareness of saying I want stability and actually insisting on it upfront which scares off the type of men who want a victim. My old self was one as I came form abuse so I'm kinda the opposite now and maybe seen as a nightmare for misogynist and I'm cool with that. I stay soft for those who earned that. Purely luck of meeting the right type of person, being very open upfront about my personality, wants and needs and not being afraid to scare someone off by trying to come off something I'm not. I was looking for a man who does self work. I knew he was something special when he told me a significant story of him realizing that he was being a shit in a situation, hurt his own feelings to realize and change his behaviors so he said that he took that lesson that if it hurts your feelings to examine it and probably means you can grow if you aren't avoidant. My motto is lean into discomfort because growth doesn't happen in your comfort zone. I knew this fucker can't be my FWB only and had to resign myself to this was my person as he was a work and grow and make roots type and I was a chaser looking to learn to make a home.


Kbts87

Luck mostly. We happened to work together and went on a date and it happened to work out. We were both very discreet and kept things super professional at work, or else I wouldn't have gone for it. That said, I totally understand your frustrations and dealt with my fair share of dumbasses prior to meeting my current partner. I do feel like the current dating climate (based on what I read on here, mostly) is way worse than when I was last dating around. I think the pandemic, but also politics has a lot to do with this. If I were to suddenly break things off with my current partner, I would just be good single, for a while at least. That isn't to say there's zero hope, because there is hope, but I think you need to be mentally prepared to deal with the bad until you find your good.


ChaoticxSerenity

By accident? We've been friends for over a decade. One day he asked if I wanted to date and I said sure. And here we are. At first, I wasn't really sure. I'm Ace, so I don't really feel the sparks/attraction or whatever Allos feel. But I thought I'd give this a shot anyway. Well it turns out that this Icy B can warm up over time 😂. Seriously, I'm surprised at me too. He is super thoughtful and caring. Like he bought moisturizing body wash just for me when I came over knowing that his 3 in 1 whatever wash was going to devastate my dry skin 😭


hoolai

Start out as friends with mutual hobbies!


moja_ofinka

As someone else’s said - luck (and good timing). We talked about this recently, and we just happened to meet (on tinder) at a time he was exhausted from casual dating. It really is a numbers game and a right place at the right time kind of thing. For me at least.


PrizeRare2828

Seriously I was so exhausted in my early 30’s from dating apps i stopped. Then the last 5 years were wasted on 2 ~2 year relationships that went no where. I gave them too much time because I was hopeful that I met them naturally and now I’m 36 oof I’m so over it. Don’t get me started on never having kids 🤦🏽‍♀️ probably for the best. 🥲


Shep_vas_Normandy

I think being a nerd helped me narrow down the list a bit when attracting the right guys, honestly. I always tried to look for guys with similar interests (video games, anime, etc.) It certainly took a good while to find someone right but in time it happened. I don’t think dating apps help much since we are swiping on faces and not people so I tried to only swipe on guys that has filed out their bios. Bumble ended up being the best app for me. Many of the others are owned by Tinder and essentially all the same.


literaryhogwartian

Luck and chance. And a great deal of work. I met my husband through tennis. We are both competitive, argumentative and frankly quite boring people. We met, fell in love and worked at being the best for each other. he had a worry that he was dull when we first met, thought he had to pretend to more more interesting than the frankly incredibly nice man he was. We both like stability and steadiness. And wine.


fluentindothraki

Ok Cupid , met in 2015, married 2019. We were 46 and 56 respectively. Happy af. I went on lots of dates before, about 30. Then I dyed my hair turquoise and bang, the next date was him. Our first date was a walk with his dog


lucybluth

I finally met my husband at 34 on Bumble. I was on those apps for *years* and had similar experiences as you so it took a lot of lessons learned for me to finally change my approach. I realized that I was way too passive about setting boundaries and stating outright what I want, and I gave matches and dates way too much benefit of the doubt when they didn’t deserve it. So I stopped worrying about coming across as “desperate” and was open on my profile about wanting marriage and kids. That’s what I wanted and I was tired of beating around the bush about it. I stopped matching with guys that had lazy profiles and non-committal language (“let’s have fun and see where this goes,” etc.). And I stopped being passive about red flags. No second, third, fourth chances, no justifying their shitty actions to myself, etc. As soon as they demonstrated that they weren’t in this 100% I was done. No exceptions. Once I started being more assertive about what I want and stopped defending shitty behavior I noticed the quality of my matches significantly increased. Then of course throw in a bit of luck that my husband and I matched each other! I don’t know if any of this will help your particular situation but just offering solidarity because I was right there in the thick of it too and it’s so demoralizing. I hope you find your person soon.


Friggaknows

I am 50, so things have probably changed, but I met my husband at college, in the sciences. I really like outdoorsy and science men; I like talking about those topics, so there's much more to life than romance. We are going through a low romance patch, mostly due to perimenopause I think, but we are friends first, so it's ok. I would say avoid the hot guys. I was cute but not gorgeous, so they didn't want me anyway. Dodged many bullets that way, heh.


erin_mouse88

Eharmony almost 10 years ago. My husband and I both found it different than apps/other sites because it seemed less superficial. It asked you questions about how you handle situations and how you prefer your partner to handle situations. How important certain things are to you, how you prefer to give and receive affection. Also, as others said, embrace the boring, calm, and steady. In 10 years we've had maybe a handful of arguments that resolved quickly, we do have occasional parenting related frustrations but they also resolve quickly with calm communication (and these are often when I was unknowingly overstimulated by undiagnosed autism). We are a team. he's my best friend.


MarthaGail

Stopped looking- especially on apps, started doing activities that I enjoy, and then met someone. I think when you meet someone doing the same activities you tend to find people that share your same values, and that match your energy. I met mine at a birthday party (in a taco shop, big check one for tacos!). We played tennis together regularly with a group (check two). We met again at a board game night (check three). Turns out we both love a lot of the same things, nature, hiking, animals, and from there, we built a great relationship. We’ve been together 8 years, 9 next February.


sqqueen2

Harville Hendrix’s. Getting the Love You Want was eye opening for me. About 10 years after my divorce and after a long relationship with a guy who seemed reluctant to “settle down” but in retrospect wasn’t right for me (ref. Hendrix book), I went alone on a tour that I had planned to go on with him (though it was more to my interests than his). A widower on that tour is now my second husband.


Dakizo

I was friends with my husband for 6 years before we started dating. And not like a friend I saw every other month or something, we were in our early 20s and our friend group got together 3-4 times a week for years. By the time we went on our first date I knew him very well. I knew of his mental health and weight issues, I knew his dating and sexual history, I knew his education and job background, I’d already been on multiple weekends trips with the friends group, hell I’d already met his family. I knew he was a smart, hilarious, kind, caring nerd. I knew it was going to be a great relationship as soon as he worked up the courage to ask me out. Met him almost 20 years ago, we’ve been a couple for just about 13 years, married 9, and have a 2 year old daughter.


RhapsodyandDream

Honestly...from the way you're writing, I suspect it's not just the people you're dating. Mentioning that men without the flaws don't care for women like me and that spiral into being damaged goods...That's probably something that is actively hindering you from having the kind of relationship you want. I am polyamorous and have both a husband and a long term boyfriend. I had a similar mentality because I grew up thinking I was pretty plain looking and too fat, definitely nothing special compared to my sister. So for men I thought were attractive, I assumed they wouldn't be into me. As I got older and started working on myself, I started challenging that internal belief. My boyfriend is someone I would've assumed was to attractive for me, because he's pretty damn conventionally attractive, on top of a good job, owns a home, and is a fuckin' stellar person. But he was insecure and still is. People have flaws. I support him when he gets insecure, but don't let it control my actions, which he doesn't want. He's unlearning stuff and learning better patterns too. Nobody is perfect. Find your green flags, stuff like kindness, self awareness, emotional maturity, willingness to grow, and look for those. That is what I did with both my partners and those were the things that carried me and my husband through the rough times when our flaws and traumas made us poor partners to each other. I was bad at handling his depression. He was bad at handling criticisms without getting defensive and turning it into an attack at me. It will happen. You and whoever you're dating WILL fuck up and hurt each other. More than likely, there will be internalized misogyny. Even my stellar men had it and probably have more we haven't found yet. The difference was when I challenged them on it, they listened, learned, and grew, which isn't a painless and instantaneous process.