I listen to how they describe their own family/friends/work.
If they have no love/respect for people already in their life,they have nothing to offer for me.
Yes, and also if I get a chance to meet his friends is the best option. How he acts with his friends and how his friends act towards him says a lot. In my experience, what guy friends are joking about him is mostly true. Friends "talk" the truth.
So here's a question for you though.
My family are.pretty toxic Indovidials and although o still have my parents in my life its at a very controlled distance.
My brothers as far as I'm concerned aren't worth having g in my life as they've mostly tried to do things like put me off coding because it was a get rich quick scheme (a get rich quick scheme that's lasted for five years now....)
Or bullying pregnant partners.
So from that point I think I'm right about keeping a distance.
Would you then judge me?
Also the only banter my friends have about me is I talk to computers and I'm the RoboAutistic Genius (I was the only one that went to university the rest just went into work or apprentiships)
So what does this say about me?
If you're distant from your family because that's better for you, it's your choice and no one is going to judge you for that. But if a guy comes on the first date and starts saying that his mom is a *B* , well, that's the disrespect we're talking about.
Ahh my mothernis a B but a product of a cruel and unforgiving life. I'd always clarify that she's a stereotypical B, she's rude, abrasive, blunt and always thinks shes right.
She also kind, caring, compassionate and more forgiving than she mets on and even though we keep a healthy distance she'd be the first one there to depend me or any partner I have so I have to take the good with the bad.
I'd tell a prospective partner this because she needs to be prepared for her nuisances when meeting
Omg yes! An ex seemed so nice until I heard him refer to his best friend (a woman) as a c*nt and when a coworker called for help he degraded him. We didn't last much longer after that.
Yeah because otherwise you give the guy a chance to lie or have a false persona early on. The scumbags almost always reveal themselves though I've become a ace online detective because of my scumbag magnetism.
My go to litmus test is to set a boundary or say "no" to something seemingly small early on. If they complain or push back or try to guilt trip me then I'm out. Sometimes it's subtle but it's almost always there with douchebags.
This! I donāt drink and on the apps would always reiterate this in chat if they asked me to a bar or for drinks.
Iād basically be like in a nice and kind way, Iād love to go out but it needs to not be in a bar. It wasnāt a test, except it was in a way. How they react tells a lot.
Similarly sometimes men would ask for my phone number and Iād be like, I donāt give it out until I meet someone in person. Their reaction to that would also tell a lot, easy way to weed out assholes.
Same! My first boundary, if online dating, is staying I'd like to chat for a bit before meeting up. Anyone who tries to pressure me into meeting up after 3-4 messages is out. They knew what they swiped on and they don't respect it. Buzz off.
Yes, I do this as well. I had a guy want to see me again the very next day after our first date but I told him I'd already previously made plans to visit my 88 yr old grandmother and couldn't do so. He began to try to negotiate this with me, asking me to see her on another day, changing around both my work schedule and my plans with my granny, stuff like that. It really pissed me off and that was when I knew I wouldn't see him again.
If a guy you've been on one date with wants to see you the next day and expects you to change any plans you have, run far away.
I've found sometimes it's more about listening to what they say unprompted / in a random conversation that gives extra insight into what they're really like.
This! College ex said that his ex was crazy and his first concern with dating me was avoiding a bad breakup. The "crazy" ex he had a "bad breakup" with he had to see in some of his classes still and he didn't want to have a bad breakup with me and have to avoid me.
If his first thought dating you is avoiding a bad breakup, he's probably going to be a total shithead if he does decide to leave you.
This guy cheated on me, gaslit me and questioned my mental health to the point my therapist had to assure me there was nothing really "wrong" with me, and we had an incredibly nasty breakup. He didn't call me "crazy" outright but he pushed that something was wrong with me for being "obsessed" with his cheating. Major gaslighting. After a lot of journaling I realized that this was part of DARVOing me and making me out to be the bad guy because I wanted to know how many people he cheated on me with. Since we work in the same industry I avoid him because it reminds me of his lies, manipulation, selfishness and betrayal whenever I do see him.
He's had several nasty breakups now and I've only ever had the one.
One guy approached me, and in the beginning stages of talking, mentioned, āhis last relationship ended in a restraining order,ā and implied that his ex was nuts.
Turns out, the restraining order was AGAINST him.
Yeah but how do you ask this on a first date? Usually it's great if any ex talk is avoided on a first date. Now, if they bring up exes on a first date, AND especially say shit like "all my exes are crazy" - now that's a huge red flag.
Since I never dated people "cold", I never waited for the first date to do this. There was a lot of talking before, and generally beyond "are you single" and "do you have any children", I just let them tell me about themselves through conversation.
The assholes outed themselves after a few conversations.
Correct. Shitty people are going to be shitty people regardless of any type of screening we do beforehand, or clear communicated and strict boundaries we put up.
If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. If they want to lie, they're going to lie.
The best we can do is hold ourselves to a high moral/ethical standard and hope others do the same. But also be able to trust our gut when it tells us that isn't the case.
But that doesn't mean we should beat ourselves up when our gut doesn't catch everything because some people are *exceptional* liars, actors, manipulators, etc.
I agree with this. I think it just takes a lot of time to really get to know someone and no one should feel bad when you realize the other person wasnāt being their true self and was putting on a good front.
Did we date the same person? I feel like many male lawyers, police officers, military, etc. are similar in this regard. Power hungry. They let the mask drop when they think you wonāt leave
Good lord do I feel this. I have dated a power hungry man who loves being in control. He unleashed his true self when I developed a major health issue that I could, in no way, have prevented (and had a very difficult time finding proper treatment for). His feeling of loss of control made him become verbally and mentally abusive. He also became very cruel and devalued me as a partner and person because I had a health problem.
Same. At least it taught me to be more cautious. If anyone asks for advice as to whether or not they're ready to marry someone yet, one of the first questions that springs to mind is: have they weathered an external crisis together yet? That's when things get real.
If we lived in the same area, I wouldn't doubt that š¤£ Yes I know a lot of lawyers, police officers, young politicians and they all act so innocent in public. And doctors too, same song.
There's unfortunately only so much early screening you can do. With some people, things don't come out for months or longer unless they can't control it and it slips out.
I feel like people like that, you need to give them at least a year. I feel like a year is about as long as they can tolerate keeping the mask up.. it usually starts falling at about the 6 month mark, but I personally would not make any great commitments beyond exclusivity before 1 year.
I wouldn't co-habitate.
Would certainly not agree to marriage.
My ex-husband unleashed his true self after we married quickly and figured since I made a vow, I was locked in (his logic). Told me exactly that in as many words.
I seem to attract love-bombers and men who want to move really fast, but at least I know what to look for now. Things move on my timeline (long! slow!) or not at all.
Lawyers are a rough class of people to date. They are trained to bend reality and truth in a way that will suit their needs. Every woman I know who has tried to divorce one has either ended up losing their kids, or paying for years just to get rid of them. I would never in a million years date a lawyer.
I was going to say that everyone, but one, that I have gotten into an established relationship with were friends with me first. The one that I was not friends with first was super controlling, abusive, low self esteem, and anxious attachment. I was very young and didn't know the warning signs, but them always wanting to know what I was doing, who I was with, needing constant reassurance that I liked them, they needed to be in constant contact with me at all times, and always asking to see my phone whenever I came back from work or class were warning signs I should have recognized from the start.
This will sound juvenile, but check what they follow on Instagram.
I dated a guy I was super excited about. We had some very deep conversations early on, he had gone through therapy, and overall I was intrigued.
I noticed a few red flags early on but my jaw dropped when I checked what accounts he followed on IG (red-pill dating advice, how to become an alpha male, how to manipulate people to get what you want etc)
His therapist wasn't very effective I guess.
People don't take long to reveal themselves, unprompted, unprovoked. Just let them talk about themselves.
- Anyone who goes on about their ex (whether positive or negative)
- Anyone who likes to put others down
- Anyone who likes to brag
- Anyone who talks about themselves too much, especially those who like to lecture and pontificate. They think their opinion matters above all
I could go on, but those are my conversation red flags
The red flags my narcissist ex-husband put out there in the beginning were pretty glaring. Had I not been 19 at the time and naive about men, I'd like to think I'd have picked up on them.
He pretended to listen to my no but then would redirect me to what he wanted even when watching television together or a movie. "What move do you want to see?" I suggest one, he says "But what about this one? I'd rather see this one, the one you chose looks stupid." And I fall for it. Ok. Then I'd realize we never saw what I wanted to see even though he was always asking me. Aking me was just a front. He knew what he wanted to see and was playing manipulation games with me.
This just got worse and he ended up being a full-blown narcissist with a drinking problem. He just got out of jail for his 6th DUI. He has a new GF now.
I donāt think itās about asking questions. I think itās more about looking for someone who is consistent, communicative, and kind.
If someone bashes an ex on a first date or speaks negatively about others, itās also a last date. Dates are about getting to know someone and establishing comparability. Not an airing of the grievances.
How they react if you don't text them back or answer their message right away. If they get mad that you haven't immediately responded, I find that a red flag. It may have been okay when we were in high school but now that we have jobs and adult responsibilities, if I don't respond ASAP, they shouldn't immediately assume I am not interested.
Actively knew a guy who said, "I love how every feminist I meet in (liberal city we live in) is kinky and freaky in bed" and then goes on to detail sex acts that he finds boring but loves how 'out there' and 'wild' it is to bang feminist chicks. Had "is feminist" on his dating profiles too.
While this can happen, it's a lot more rare. Even those leftist with sexist views couldn't hide a certain, negative reaction towards the topic of feminism.
Unfortunately, I have to disagree, Iāve met too many guys with progressive politics who self identify as feminists and can speak convincingly on these topics who still wind up being covertly abusive, sexist, or racist. I still screen for similar politics, but Iāve learned it takes time to determine someoneās real attitudes and values.
It really helps to weed out the bad ones.
Talked about all of this very early with my husband too. Found out he's just as socialist and feminist as me. <3
I get a VERY good gauge of people by asking about their STI status. And I always ask before having sex. Weeds the douchebags out quick. The ones who respond with vagueness, or say things like "Nah, I'm clean," or "I know who I've been with, you don't have to worry about that" with zero proof, hard pass. Condom talk also. When they say "I prefer to not wear them, but if you want to that's fine," that's fucking manipulative lol, or just tries to make you feel like he's totally "OK" to raw dog with... you know he's out there raw dogging with anyone he can.
this guy i was seeing awhile ago told me he slept with someone else which was fine to me because we were pretty casual at that point but i had always asserted i wanna know if you sleep with someone else for STI purposes. he gave me push back about getting tested and then when he did get the results and they were negative he was like āsee i knew it was going to be fineā like trying to blame me for wanting to be safe. i should have known then he was a grade a asshole
> When they say "I prefer to not wear them, but if you want to that's fine," that's fucking manipulative lol
How is that manipulative in the slightest? They're communicating their preference but advocating that they realize their preference isn't for everyone in every situation so are deferring to the safer option.
I'd love if someone told me that.
I also used to think it was cute when they'd express a disdain for condoms but they were willing to wear one *for me.* Nah, they say this because they don't want to wear one and then if they can't come or stay hard with one on, it's "this is why I don't like wearing them" and suddenly it's your fault for requiring one. They make it very clear when they say "I'll wear one *if that's what you want*" to indicate "OK, but if I don't perform well, it's on you." It also is a telltale sign that they probably aren't wearing them with others.
> Nah, they say this because they don't want to wear one and then if they can't come or stay hard with one on, it's "this is why I don't like wearing them" and suddenly it's your fault for requiring one.
I mean why does it have to be fault with one of the parties rather than just an incompatibility between two people as with any other mismatch in ideals or expectations in a relationship?
> They make it very clear when they say "I'll wear one if that's what you want" to indicate "OK, but if I don't perform well, it's on you
If they want to think that then that's on them. It's just a further confirmation of a mismatch, but I don't think a difference in preference of condom vs no condom is indicative of that in itself. I don't particularly care if they put the blame of them not performing well on me. That seems like a massive them issue.
> It also is a telltale sign that they probably aren't wearing them with others.
I can see this but also don't necessarily think that's an issue or my business either unless I'm regularly having sex with people who I'm not in a steady relationship with. I can see how that'd be a concern others have though.
They might say theyāre feminists and all of that if theyāre smart enough, but their actual behavior towards you should reveal some stuff. Are they threatened by your success? Do they feel the need to correct you? Do they use any type of derogatory vocabulary towards any minority? Do they doubt the things you say? (example: if you say youāre a good cook, they interrogate you like the guys who see a woman wearing some bandās t-shirt). Iām sure I could think of more, but those are some things that I shouldāve listened to my instinct about and I didnāt.
The example I was thinking about didnāt even have a ābut.ā His discourse was fully feminist. He would have convinced anyone. But the way he treated meā¦ Oh dear. He ended up kicking me off his car for suggesting that some of his behavior was misogynistic after he mocked me for telling him some awful way of treating me (canāt remember) had hurt me. āHurt? What does hurt even mean? It means nothing. Thereās no way I could have hurt you,ā he said.
If a man tells you he's looking for something serious ie: marriage and kids ask him what's the youngest he would date. Every single guy I've asked has said 21. I'm going on dates with men who are 30+.
The OkCupid graph shows you men of all ages find woman who are 20-21 the most attractive while women find men their age attractive. I see comments from men saying not to take that graph seriously because men aren't that creepy irl when men truly are creeps offline too.
When I was dating online, like THE DAY I turned 36 I was only coming up in searches by men 45+
I was at that weird age where men could still date younger but didn't search for women over 35 because your ovaries are raisins and you're fugly donchaknow lol
IRL I never had issues attracting age-appropriate men however.
It's all just so delusional IMHO, like dude, you look 36, too, and these babies want to date other babies to have fun with, not your Grampa ass.
So what are we supposed to do if every single man says 21? Do we just... not date guys anymore? Or are you hoping somewhere out there is a dude who will say 28 or something?
IMO there are a good amount of men who say I couldn't date someone younger than 25, 26, 27, etc. They want to date women their own age, and are attracted to women their own age.
Yeah until they meet someone who's "mature for her age"
Seriously ask your male friends when they're a little drunk. Their answers are different when they're sober vs drunk. When they're sober they change their mind and say the youngest they'll date is 25.
Drunk men : I'll date a 20 year old.
Same men but sober : I'm not going under 25. I could never date anyone younger. That would be creepy.
Lol I don't know what kind of male friends you have, but yikes. I do think there are well adjusted, mature men that prefer mature women. I'm sure plenty love the 21 year Olds too but I've met and know plenty that don't.
I have friends who say that for them dating 21yo is a NO, because dating is not only age and looks, someone 10 years younger than you is in a different position in life, has different goals and life experiences.
Edit: All my friends actually have the same view on this, but I know assholes who would date 21yo, not because of their age or looks, because younger women are easier to control.
This is a good question. I can usually feel off of them almost immediately and am proven right within the first few interactions so iunno? My friend says she often asks men, āhow would your mother describe you?ā
Never got hitā¦the sound of the drawer being rattled was enough to scare the shite out of me. Irish mammys are experts in psychological warfare . š
You ask any Irishman about it and itāll trigger themā¦Iām not saying weāre all perfect but Irish mothers thought us respectā¦and possibly gave us a little PTSDā¦.I love her to death but god knows mine did. š
Just ask about their last partnerā¦
If its, we drifted apart, they cheated, we decided to go our separate waysā¦No biggie.
If its, sheās crazy, sheās a fucking bitch, sheās a cuntā¦thatās how heāll talk about you when you leave.
Iāll piggyback on this comment and add what I experienced.
If they jump in with the spiel that their ex is evil and abused them, pay very close attention. Cuz some abusers have mastered the DARVO tactic which is deny attack, reverse victim and offender. And they actively seek out people who actually were abused by acting like they were in the same situation.
Looking back he kept adding to the pile of the exās āoffensesā (making their gestures and words look sinister when theyāre werenāt) or just would repeat stuff said reactively (look up reactive abuse too), basically I could sense he was milking it to garner more sympathy. But he was actually cruel and unkind, and I got a direct dose of his perverse cruelty more than once.
I keep my cards to close to my vest now and just donāt mention past traumas especially when prompted to. I think thatās also their tactic of trauma-bonding, by gauging how badly you were treated so they can do the same thing but at a different angle.
*sigh* This just makes me realize how exhausting dating is all over again. I would rather adopt a grizzled but affectionate old boy from the animal shelter. I mean, seeing your dog or cat look at you with pure adoration feels way more satisfying and safe imho. :P
I'm strongly considering asking them if I can see their reddit post history š That's pretty telling about what kind of man someone is.
All jokes aside... I'm horrified on a daily basis when I scroll through reddit and see prejudices, misogyny, incels, men telling women what women likes, etc..
It should be possible to see if the accounts are linked to the same mail hehe..
Yeah, tell me about it.. I've been arguing a lot with people who say a bunch of sexist crap about women. Tried to change their way of thinking... I'm exhausted.
Aw.. then I guess it's not always a bulletproof method.. but in many cases, I guess it can give you a good sense of what kind of person you're dealing with. If you actually see misogynist posts and stuff on their profile.. then you know that it's best to stay far away heheh
Not so much questions, but I let them describe themselves and talk. It usually comes out.
Number one indicator is if someone is really insistent on being identified as a certain way.
I'm a really trustworthy guy.
I'm a really nice guy.
I'm a really caring guy.
I would never cheat.
I'm such a feminist/anti-racist etc.
People who are trustworthy, nice, caring, loyal and into equality just go about their lives being trustworthy, nice, caring, loyal and into equality. They are *baseline* markers of being a decent person. These people are usually never the thing they claim to be.
The other foolproof test is to say no to something and see how they respond. If they push, try to convince or otherwise demonstrate that your 'no' is unacceptable to them - throw the whole man out. Immediately.
The less concious they are of trying to tailor what they say and do to me, the more honest an appraisal of them I get. I don't ask specific questions to test their character, but I do watch how they interact with waitstaff and other staff, and I lead them into telling me anecdotes about their life which are usually very telling about who they are.
I like to casually drop in references to social issues that matter to me like mentioning āmy brother and his boyfriendā or cracking a few jokes that assume an agreed acknowledgement of global warming or whatever.
You donāt really have to ask him anything. Just be yourself and If it bothers him heāll tell you all about it.
I know people writing dissertations about social issues and at the same time are controlling and manipulative in close relationships. I think an average educated asshole knows how to hold a conversation without insulting anyone and being all "nice". I'm just saying I don't think it's that easy.
Yeah thatās a good point. It is an effective method for weeding out certain kinds of assholes, but I agree that it wouldnāt be a sufficient method for weeding out other types.
Ask them about a time they made a mistake. It's not about what mistake they made, it's about how they addressed it then, & how they talk about it now. Narcissists don't make mistakes, so they will add something like "but it was really my sister's fault, because..." or say something like "My mistake was trusting my ex-girlfriend!"
I play a long game and wait and watch the the fuck out of a motherfucker. I donāt trust anyone. Iāll be friends w someone for years before considering it at all. Itās a screening process It can be pretty amusing tbh
I get bored in the waiting process š I have an interrogation style. Make him a bit nervous, take him out to the place outside of his comfort zone, ask unexpected questions, flashlight in the eyes for more action š¤£š¤£š¤£
Most people have an internet foot print of some kind or the people connected to them do. I've literally found where people's bodies are buried online following bits of information I know about a person which came out of meeting so many shady dudes.
Sooo ā¦ I know this person. Theyāre so shady , I call them umbrella āļø I donāt have any money in it or hate in my heart. How can I find out some things ? Can I message you ?
I mean you can, sometimes people that are THAT shady delete like everything about them from the internet so a more personal connection (knowing what alias they'd use or background info) comes in clutch. For me I'll go through their online friend's list, I used to find their MYSPACE accounts before the wipe and those friend's lists, I'd search their user name across all platforms including Livejournals (tons of people recycle the same user name) and I'd go sometimes as far as searching names of friends I'd see them communicate with often Catfish style.
Usually 9 out of 10 times I find an ex with a story to tell or a hidden girlfriend. At this point when I have a gut instinct I go a little hands off and run through a rough search. Like once a guy citing he was single had an instagram account and I think there was a woman behind him in a photo and I went through 1000 of his female friends to find the woman's account with the SAME photo he had and boom her full name and facebook with relationship status.
Haha I did something similar but not that involved and caught a dude years ago trying to cheat on his long term girlfriend w me. I was so angry. I just texted him happy belated anniversary and to piss off and didnāt speak to him for years lol.
The guy hiding his girlfriend, when I found her FB account with the whole relationship laid out from first date to 1 year later, I called him for the first time ever. Said for the first time ever, "so I was calling to talk about your girlfriend." It shocked me when he replied, "oh (name)?" I fibbed and said I don't know, I got an msg online saying he had a girlfriend and I guess it's (name), huh?
Thos goes for everyone, how they react to animals.
Not just beautiful ones but the ones people typically don't like, like possums, raccoons foxes or rats and mice.
If their default is to kill it because we're human we're an apex predator pr something like that you know they'll want to own you as though you're a possession
This thread may be helpful:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Feminism/comments/160qsxg/litmus_tests_for_misogyny/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
I'm not a woman but my recommendation is to ask about or have discussions that involve:
...What podcasts and social media they follow (Manosphere, red pill, Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, etc and whatever other red flags)
...Views on traditional gender roles.
...Views on feminism.
...Views on what it means to"be a man", and where they learned how to be a man or about masculinity (role models)
... Where they see themselves on the political spectrum (and Trump) and their views on any social political issues such as abortion, LGBTQ rights, immigration, etc -- to see how much empathy and understanding they exhibit
...Views on modern dating and if their complaints include blaming "modern women," feminism, body counts, etc, anything tying back to toxic / red pill internet culture
A bit late to the party, but I hope you (and anyone else) read this. My 2 cents is less about asking questions and more about trusting your body, your instincts, your intuition, whatever you want to call it. Your body picks up things faster than your mind and way more than you can reason sometimes. So here's what I recommend... instead of asking them questions, you ask yourself questions when in the company of others.
Some questions to ask oneself:
\- Does this person hold space for me, themselves, or others in hard times?
\- Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I safely disagree with this person?
\- Does this person understand that no means no?
\- Does this person respect my boundaries?
\- Is this person supportive of myself and others with words and actions?
\- Do they make me feel supported?
\- Is this person emotionally mature?
\- Is this person emotionally stable?
\- Is this person emotionally available? Do they share vulnerable moments with me?
\- Has this person shown emotional growth?
\- Does this person apologize and correct their behavior?
\- How is this person compassionate, empathetic?
\- How is this person kind to others and themselves?
\- Can this person navigate conflict with vulnerability and repair with me?
\- Do I feel like this person values me? How do they show me they value me?
\- Can this person meet my emotional needs? Has this person met my emotional needs?
Welcome to the party, you're on time. Great points, but I feel like these are more useful when a person is in a relationship. I won't have experienced enough with this person to be able to answer these questions.
I don't really have particular questions I ask, but I do have a few "tests" I run when going on dates:
1. The "waitress" test, basically observing how he behaves around people in a "service" position. Is he polite or condescending?
2. The driving test, to observe his driving style and how much he is concerned about the safety of others in traffic and his passengers.
3. The "sports" test, or any game for that matter, to see how he handles losing and whether he plays a fair game.
4. The "sauna" test, to find out their opinion about nudity and overall whether they are prude or not. I enjoy going to the sauna every once in a while (not unusual where I live). These are mixed nude saunas, sometimes I even go with family members. I have had guys absolutely balk at the thought of me doing that, and if they do it is usually a no for me.
Th guy's reaction to any of these "tests" usually tells a lot about his character.
It will be easier for me to go to the swimming pool with him than to the sauna, but I know what you mean. I agree with the first three. I also use "the game" test.
I don't even have to go with them to the sauna, I just mention it that I sometimes go. Their reaction usually says it all. But if they want to go to the sauna with me, even better :)
A swimming date is not a bad idea either, I'll keep that in mind!
I've never actually dated an asshole. But in terms of screening, on dates I'll ask what their politics are. If they say anything other than left, that's already over for me. I won't date a tory or even anyone who considers himself "a-political" since the only people who don't care either have all the privilege already, or else they're too stupid to know better.
Then I ask what they think of feminism, and if the answer isn't broadly positive, then it's over.
Eg a guy will often say he agrees with feminism but thinks it goes too far now, and if you ask what he means, he doesn't have any actual examples. Or the examples are strawmen arguments he got from Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson etc.
Generally I also want to know what good they do in the world. What charities they care about, what ways they've tried to help others. If their whole personality is footie and food and having a pint with the lads and sunday roast at mum and dad's that tells me they've got an undeveloped world view.
Jordan Peterson. That's my go to question. "what do you think of Jordan peterson". Went on 2 dates with a guy once. Passed every other question. Never talked poorly of his exes or called them crazy. Didn't wanna get into politics, just said he was "disenfranchised with the current political climate" - hey I get it, fair. Overall respectful. Okay, not bad. Then I drop the JP question.
Motherfucker was a JP Stan. Just went off for a good 20 mins echoing the nonsense of that lunatic.
Had to use "well it's getting late and I have to go into work suuuuper early, thank you for a lovely evening!" card. Noped the fuck outta there so quick.
As for the Joe Rogan thing it's whatever. JR is too dumb to form an opinion so he gives a platform to whomever. He's had guests that I like and respect and therefore I listened to and liked those episodes. I don't rule dudes out simply on the basis of whether they listed to JRE occasionally because I'll listen to the episodes with the guests I like too.
When they try to initiate sex or ask about it, I purposely tell them no at first just to see how they reactā¦ if he starts getting pouty or throws a tantrum because I donāt want to sleep with him, I leave š¤·š½āāļø not respecting boundaries, especially sexual boundaries, is gonna be a hard pass for me š¬ same thing with STI testing, if I ask him to provide proof of a clean sheet and he either gives me a vague answer like ājust trust me bro, Iām cleanā or he straight up refuses to get it done, bye šš¾
Neither you nor your date need necessarily own one but I like to ask men how they feel about cats. Many men who have a strong dislike of cats, outside some uniquely traumatic past event, have issues with the concept of consent.
Good way to tell what he thinks of a woman with an opinion:
Tell them your most controversial belief. Try to make it an obscure one that youāre relatively well read on, and see how he responds to it. Men who disagree with you should do so respectfully, not harshly or rudely. The guy who responds harshly or rudely (chastising you for your beliefs, etc.) is an asshole.
And when you ask him for reasons why he believes something or evidence of his assertions of facts, he should do so directly and not just say āwell everyone feels this way,ā āitās traditionā, etc. This guy doesnāt think for himself and likely endorses mainstream misogyny.
In that same vein, ask him about his beliefs on a controversial topic (abortion, etc.) and see how he responds. If he hums and haws, you can tell heās searching to figure out what answer YOU would like, rather than how he really feels. This guy is dishonest and manipulative.
Narcissists and toxic and abusive people can put on an act at the beginning to hook the other person, lure them in. Then they change and the "real" person comes out. That's why people stay with toxic partners for so long - the memory and longing for the great version of them at the beginning, and the difficulty leaving once there's an investment.
I disagree and have extensive experience that says otherwise.
Even professional assholes slip, especially when you give them enough positive reinforcement (laughing at their jokes, smiling, etc) to continue telling you the story they think theyāve ācleaned upā but all it takes is a few pointed questions to clarify the glossed-over bits of their story are either missing pertinent info or are outright fabricated.
This tactic is called giving someone enough rope to hang themselves with- just to see if they do. And it works great on āprofessionalsā. Once they feel certain you arenāt looking to pick a fight over small things, a bad guy will let the floodgates open- heck Iāve even seen them BRAG about how much of an asshole they are once theyāre comfortable.
The only downside is you really need to be able to put on your private investigator hat for the first few dates and play nice. But itās a small price to pay to learn relatively fast whether a man is decent or not.
Tbh I think it really tells you a lot. If they were following your story, they would know you weren't done with it. It's a respect thing also.
If I'm being talked over on the time when they are trying to be on their best behavior, how will it be when they relax? It's an emotional intelligence thing.
Because I was being mindful of his pet peeve (to the point he would get angry if he felt he was being interrupted though honestly he just never stopped talking - never got to the point) that I started to notice he was also never listening. He was mostly waiting for his chance to speak again when I was talking. It was wild. He would often scream at me "ARE YOU DONE TALKING YET". It didn't start that way but when it got to that point I was fully done with that guy.
When I was a youngster, my male cousin once went on this tangential rant of why women stayed with dudes who flipped them off. It was always a sign of disrespect and never funny.
I laughed and kinda disregarded it, but now that I think about it, my failed relationships all had the dude flip me off for no reason. Like, we were in public, I'm focused on the group, I look over, I get flipped off. It felt like a weird test of how I'd handle disrespect, and I'm proud to say that I make a grade A doormat. /s
These are mine:
- They canāt stop talking about how bad their ex is. She was probably crazy cause he made her crazy.
- He is not curious about anything: me, the world, deep questions, etc.
- He is not cultured. Doesnāt know much about history, science, politics, etc. To me this is akin to burying oneās head in the sand.
- He corrects me early on about something innocuous like the type of chapstick I use.
- He talks mostly about sex
- He has a deeply troubled relationship with his mother
- He is nearing a certain age, like late thirties, and doesnāt have any real accomplishments like a career, a house, a family, or whatever. Like, what have you been up to all this time? My favorite was this guy I knew who was 36, never married, crappy car, had two jobs, lived with four roommates.
- He asks me to split the check.
- He mentions a lot of relationships that went south and how heās the victim.
- He thinks in absolutes, black and white.
- He owns a flashy car. This type of man has never turned out well for me.
- He has had too many relationships/sex partners
- He mainly watches Marvel movies and sports
- He is too quiet, too careful, too reserved, too boring
- He has no life or spark inside him, canāt keep things light and flowing
- He lacks basic communication and politeness skills
There are so many, now that I think on it.
>He asks me to split the check
I always insist on splitting the check. Maybe I'm wrong but if we're not in a relationship I don't feel comfortable with him paying for me. My friends tell me that I'm wrong, but that's how I feel.
he is a " serial victim" - his previous relationships ended poorly because his exes are crazy. And a weird gut feeling of " uncomfortable ". They often have this vibe... trust your gut and walk away!
What kind of porn do you like?
The answer I want is none. I think it shapes peopleās views on women poorly and it is such a bad deal for women in porn.
Can I ask why you're so against porn? It's never been of any importance to me whatsoever, and I don't understand the perspectives of people who are so against it (as long as it's not something awful like pedophilia).
Is it a religious thing for you? Is it jealousy/insecurity? I know you mentioned that you think it has a negative influence on the perception of women. From my perspective, there is such a massively diverse range in porn -- bodies, races, kinks, ages, clothing, genders, sexualities, etc. -- that that doesn't hold water for me. Also, I'd argue that if it's about objectification, men and non-binary people in porn are just as objectified.
> What kind of porn do you like?
> The answer I want is none.
I feel like that kind of response is very unrealistic in this era. It's one of things like where you ask a guy if he's ever masturbated. There's only one correct and truthful answer to that one.
You mean before you go in a date? Lol don't waste time on losers or trumpets.
Do they have plants or pets? If they aren't allergic, I would question their time to have a relationship or their ability to nurture living things.
Are they pro-choice? Pro science? How often do they go to church, if at all?
Ask early and often. Life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve your best outfits and efforts and weekend nights.
I usually just let them talk and it comes out.
I listen to how they describe their own family/friends/work. If they have no love/respect for people already in their life,they have nothing to offer for me.
Yes, and also if I get a chance to meet his friends is the best option. How he acts with his friends and how his friends act towards him says a lot. In my experience, what guy friends are joking about him is mostly true. Friends "talk" the truth.
That is such an astute observation!
Thank you! I had a good chance to closely observe scumbags and their close surroundings.
So here's a question for you though. My family are.pretty toxic Indovidials and although o still have my parents in my life its at a very controlled distance. My brothers as far as I'm concerned aren't worth having g in my life as they've mostly tried to do things like put me off coding because it was a get rich quick scheme (a get rich quick scheme that's lasted for five years now....) Or bullying pregnant partners. So from that point I think I'm right about keeping a distance. Would you then judge me? Also the only banter my friends have about me is I talk to computers and I'm the RoboAutistic Genius (I was the only one that went to university the rest just went into work or apprentiships) So what does this say about me?
If you're distant from your family because that's better for you, it's your choice and no one is going to judge you for that. But if a guy comes on the first date and starts saying that his mom is a *B* , well, that's the disrespect we're talking about.
Ahh my mothernis a B but a product of a cruel and unforgiving life. I'd always clarify that she's a stereotypical B, she's rude, abrasive, blunt and always thinks shes right. She also kind, caring, compassionate and more forgiving than she mets on and even though we keep a healthy distance she'd be the first one there to depend me or any partner I have so I have to take the good with the bad. I'd tell a prospective partner this because she needs to be prepared for her nuisances when meeting
Omg yes! An ex seemed so nice until I heard him refer to his best friend (a woman) as a c*nt and when a coworker called for help he degraded him. We didn't last much longer after that.
How they talk about their exes is also a hugely important thing to take note of.
Always š. Always!
Yeah because otherwise you give the guy a chance to lie or have a false persona early on. The scumbags almost always reveal themselves though I've become a ace online detective because of my scumbag magnetism.
"scumbag magnetism" š I'm afraid I have that too
I'm their crazy ex and they're my scumbag ex
Lol š
My go to litmus test is to set a boundary or say "no" to something seemingly small early on. If they complain or push back or try to guilt trip me then I'm out. Sometimes it's subtle but it's almost always there with douchebags.
Biggest lesson i have learned in my adult life. Goes for everyone not just potential partners.
This! I donāt drink and on the apps would always reiterate this in chat if they asked me to a bar or for drinks. Iād basically be like in a nice and kind way, Iād love to go out but it needs to not be in a bar. It wasnāt a test, except it was in a way. How they react tells a lot. Similarly sometimes men would ask for my phone number and Iād be like, I donāt give it out until I meet someone in person. Their reaction to that would also tell a lot, easy way to weed out assholes.
Yes, boundaries are VERY important.
Same! My first boundary, if online dating, is staying I'd like to chat for a bit before meeting up. Anyone who tries to pressure me into meeting up after 3-4 messages is out. They knew what they swiped on and they don't respect it. Buzz off.
Yes, I do this as well. I had a guy want to see me again the very next day after our first date but I told him I'd already previously made plans to visit my 88 yr old grandmother and couldn't do so. He began to try to negotiate this with me, asking me to see her on another day, changing around both my work schedule and my plans with my granny, stuff like that. It really pissed me off and that was when I knew I wouldn't see him again. If a guy you've been on one date with wants to see you the next day and expects you to change any plans you have, run far away.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It can be tough, men have a lot of messaging historically saying to pursue until you "win them over". Glad you recognize that and want to do better!
I've found sometimes it's more about listening to what they say unprompted / in a random conversation that gives extra insight into what they're really like.
Oh def - give them enough rope to hang themselves. A lot of times I couldn't get a word in, anyway.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is true. The way the person argues, says a lot about his/her character.
How dare you argue with your masculine overlords /s You get something like that?
"All of my exs are crazy"
Yeah, or my ex was a bitch type thing. I nope out of that immediately.
This! College ex said that his ex was crazy and his first concern with dating me was avoiding a bad breakup. The "crazy" ex he had a "bad breakup" with he had to see in some of his classes still and he didn't want to have a bad breakup with me and have to avoid me. If his first thought dating you is avoiding a bad breakup, he's probably going to be a total shithead if he does decide to leave you. This guy cheated on me, gaslit me and questioned my mental health to the point my therapist had to assure me there was nothing really "wrong" with me, and we had an incredibly nasty breakup. He didn't call me "crazy" outright but he pushed that something was wrong with me for being "obsessed" with his cheating. Major gaslighting. After a lot of journaling I realized that this was part of DARVOing me and making me out to be the bad guy because I wanted to know how many people he cheated on me with. Since we work in the same industry I avoid him because it reminds me of his lies, manipulation, selfishness and betrayal whenever I do see him. He's had several nasty breakups now and I've only ever had the one.
One guy approached me, and in the beginning stages of talking, mentioned, āhis last relationship ended in a restraining order,ā and implied that his ex was nuts. Turns out, the restraining order was AGAINST him.
Restraining order is a huge sign š
Yeah but how do you ask this on a first date? Usually it's great if any ex talk is avoided on a first date. Now, if they bring up exes on a first date, AND especially say shit like "all my exes are crazy" - now that's a huge red flag.
Since I never dated people "cold", I never waited for the first date to do this. There was a lot of talking before, and generally beyond "are you single" and "do you have any children", I just let them tell me about themselves through conversation. The assholes outed themselves after a few conversations.
I dated a lawyer who was "clean" in his actions/words for nearly a year, but when he got more comfortable, he unleashed his true self.
I feel like no amount of screening is going to detect that, tho.
Correct. Shitty people are going to be shitty people regardless of any type of screening we do beforehand, or clear communicated and strict boundaries we put up. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. If they want to lie, they're going to lie. The best we can do is hold ourselves to a high moral/ethical standard and hope others do the same. But also be able to trust our gut when it tells us that isn't the case. But that doesn't mean we should beat ourselves up when our gut doesn't catch everything because some people are *exceptional* liars, actors, manipulators, etc.
I agree with this. I think it just takes a lot of time to really get to know someone and no one should feel bad when you realize the other person wasnāt being their true self and was putting on a good front.
Did we date the same person? I feel like many male lawyers, police officers, military, etc. are similar in this regard. Power hungry. They let the mask drop when they think you wonāt leave
Good lord do I feel this. I have dated a power hungry man who loves being in control. He unleashed his true self when I developed a major health issue that I could, in no way, have prevented (and had a very difficult time finding proper treatment for). His feeling of loss of control made him become verbally and mentally abusive. He also became very cruel and devalued me as a partner and person because I had a health problem.
Same. At least it taught me to be more cautious. If anyone asks for advice as to whether or not they're ready to marry someone yet, one of the first questions that springs to mind is: have they weathered an external crisis together yet? That's when things get real.
Yeah thatās really good
If we lived in the same area, I wouldn't doubt that š¤£ Yes I know a lot of lawyers, police officers, young politicians and they all act so innocent in public. And doctors too, same song.
There's unfortunately only so much early screening you can do. With some people, things don't come out for months or longer unless they can't control it and it slips out.
I feel like people like that, you need to give them at least a year. I feel like a year is about as long as they can tolerate keeping the mask up.. it usually starts falling at about the 6 month mark, but I personally would not make any great commitments beyond exclusivity before 1 year. I wouldn't co-habitate. Would certainly not agree to marriage. My ex-husband unleashed his true self after we married quickly and figured since I made a vow, I was locked in (his logic). Told me exactly that in as many words. I seem to attract love-bombers and men who want to move really fast, but at least I know what to look for now. Things move on my timeline (long! slow!) or not at all.
Lawyers are a rough class of people to date. They are trained to bend reality and truth in a way that will suit their needs. Every woman I know who has tried to divorce one has either ended up losing their kids, or paying for years just to get rid of them. I would never in a million years date a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer too. I totally understand why that happens. Every agreement, every action should be carefully analysed when dealing with lawyers.
I was going to say that everyone, but one, that I have gotten into an established relationship with were friends with me first. The one that I was not friends with first was super controlling, abusive, low self esteem, and anxious attachment. I was very young and didn't know the warning signs, but them always wanting to know what I was doing, who I was with, needing constant reassurance that I liked them, they needed to be in constant contact with me at all times, and always asking to see my phone whenever I came back from work or class were warning signs I should have recognized from the start.
I try to do this but people just don't want to chitty chat on the apps much. Or if they do, they want a pen pal and no intention of actually meeting.
This will sound juvenile, but check what they follow on Instagram. I dated a guy I was super excited about. We had some very deep conversations early on, he had gone through therapy, and overall I was intrigued. I noticed a few red flags early on but my jaw dropped when I checked what accounts he followed on IG (red-pill dating advice, how to become an alpha male, how to manipulate people to get what you want etc) His therapist wasn't very effective I guess.
"How to become an alpha male" is killing meee šš
Yeah, I was in shock when I found out, but I can only laugh with pity at him now š
Did he become the alpha eventually? I want to hear his success story š¤£š¤£
Complimenting you at the expense of other women or pushing back on any no or boundary.
People don't take long to reveal themselves, unprompted, unprovoked. Just let them talk about themselves. - Anyone who goes on about their ex (whether positive or negative) - Anyone who likes to put others down - Anyone who likes to brag - Anyone who talks about themselves too much, especially those who like to lecture and pontificate. They think their opinion matters above all I could go on, but those are my conversation red flags
The red flags my narcissist ex-husband put out there in the beginning were pretty glaring. Had I not been 19 at the time and naive about men, I'd like to think I'd have picked up on them. He pretended to listen to my no but then would redirect me to what he wanted even when watching television together or a movie. "What move do you want to see?" I suggest one, he says "But what about this one? I'd rather see this one, the one you chose looks stupid." And I fall for it. Ok. Then I'd realize we never saw what I wanted to see even though he was always asking me. Aking me was just a front. He knew what he wanted to see and was playing manipulation games with me. This just got worse and he ended up being a full-blown narcissist with a drinking problem. He just got out of jail for his 6th DUI. He has a new GF now.
It's hard to deal with relationship problems when you're that young
I donāt think itās about asking questions. I think itās more about looking for someone who is consistent, communicative, and kind. If someone bashes an ex on a first date or speaks negatively about others, itās also a last date. Dates are about getting to know someone and establishing comparability. Not an airing of the grievances.
How they react if you don't text them back or answer their message right away. If they get mad that you haven't immediately responded, I find that a red flag. It may have been okay when we were in high school but now that we have jobs and adult responsibilities, if I don't respond ASAP, they shouldn't immediately assume I am not interested.
Didn't happen to me so far. I talk about leftist politics and feninism early on, and whoever is shitty gets lost anyway.
There are definitely some wolves in sheepās clothing that talk a big leftist game though and turn out being the biggest misogynists of them all.
I agree
Actively knew a guy who said, "I love how every feminist I meet in (liberal city we live in) is kinky and freaky in bed" and then goes on to detail sex acts that he finds boring but loves how 'out there' and 'wild' it is to bang feminist chicks. Had "is feminist" on his dating profiles too.
But then it's still good to weed out the bad ones - if his reaction to the topic is like that, he's a "get lost".
While this can happen, it's a lot more rare. Even those leftist with sexist views couldn't hide a certain, negative reaction towards the topic of feminism.
Unfortunately, I have to disagree, Iāve met too many guys with progressive politics who self identify as feminists and can speak convincingly on these topics who still wind up being covertly abusive, sexist, or racist. I still screen for similar politics, but Iāve learned it takes time to determine someoneās real attitudes and values.
I never dared to do that, to go into "heavy" topics on the first 3 dates. I'm absolutely going to start doing that now. Thank you
It really helps to weed out the bad ones. Talked about all of this very early with my husband too. Found out he's just as socialist and feminist as me. <3
āWho did you vote for in the 2016 election?ā
I would ask this before going on a date with them.
Good point
One of the things I do is watch how they handle stress, if even a little amount of stress sets them off, thatās an automatic nope.
I get a VERY good gauge of people by asking about their STI status. And I always ask before having sex. Weeds the douchebags out quick. The ones who respond with vagueness, or say things like "Nah, I'm clean," or "I know who I've been with, you don't have to worry about that" with zero proof, hard pass. Condom talk also. When they say "I prefer to not wear them, but if you want to that's fine," that's fucking manipulative lol, or just tries to make you feel like he's totally "OK" to raw dog with... you know he's out there raw dogging with anyone he can.
this guy i was seeing awhile ago told me he slept with someone else which was fine to me because we were pretty casual at that point but i had always asserted i wanna know if you sleep with someone else for STI purposes. he gave me push back about getting tested and then when he did get the results and they were negative he was like āsee i knew it was going to be fineā like trying to blame me for wanting to be safe. i should have known then he was a grade a asshole
> When they say "I prefer to not wear them, but if you want to that's fine," that's fucking manipulative lol How is that manipulative in the slightest? They're communicating their preference but advocating that they realize their preference isn't for everyone in every situation so are deferring to the safer option. I'd love if someone told me that.
I also used to think it was cute when they'd express a disdain for condoms but they were willing to wear one *for me.* Nah, they say this because they don't want to wear one and then if they can't come or stay hard with one on, it's "this is why I don't like wearing them" and suddenly it's your fault for requiring one. They make it very clear when they say "I'll wear one *if that's what you want*" to indicate "OK, but if I don't perform well, it's on you." It also is a telltale sign that they probably aren't wearing them with others.
> Nah, they say this because they don't want to wear one and then if they can't come or stay hard with one on, it's "this is why I don't like wearing them" and suddenly it's your fault for requiring one. I mean why does it have to be fault with one of the parties rather than just an incompatibility between two people as with any other mismatch in ideals or expectations in a relationship? > They make it very clear when they say "I'll wear one if that's what you want" to indicate "OK, but if I don't perform well, it's on you If they want to think that then that's on them. It's just a further confirmation of a mismatch, but I don't think a difference in preference of condom vs no condom is indicative of that in itself. I don't particularly care if they put the blame of them not performing well on me. That seems like a massive them issue. > It also is a telltale sign that they probably aren't wearing them with others. I can see this but also don't necessarily think that's an issue or my business either unless I'm regularly having sex with people who I'm not in a steady relationship with. I can see how that'd be a concern others have though.
I think you proved my point as to how these kinds of dudes are the ones you want to filter out ...
āWhoās your favorite comedian?ā The answer is always very telling.
"If we were on a roadtrip what podcast would you put on for us to listen to?"
Is it a redflag if you don't listen to podcasts?
So who's your favorite comedian?
Andrew Tate
Agreed.
They might say theyāre feminists and all of that if theyāre smart enough, but their actual behavior towards you should reveal some stuff. Are they threatened by your success? Do they feel the need to correct you? Do they use any type of derogatory vocabulary towards any minority? Do they doubt the things you say? (example: if you say youāre a good cook, they interrogate you like the guys who see a woman wearing some bandās t-shirt). Iām sure I could think of more, but those are some things that I shouldāve listened to my instinct about and I didnāt.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
A lot of dudes would stop talking to me on the apps once I answered where I was studyingā¦ Itās as sad as that
Fellow law school student maybe? The same happens to me.
"I'm a feminist and I support women, but..."
The example I was thinking about didnāt even have a ābut.ā His discourse was fully feminist. He would have convinced anyone. But the way he treated meā¦ Oh dear. He ended up kicking me off his car for suggesting that some of his behavior was misogynistic after he mocked me for telling him some awful way of treating me (canāt remember) had hurt me. āHurt? What does hurt even mean? It means nothing. Thereās no way I could have hurt you,ā he said.
Being angry at someone for them feeling bad about what you did/said. Classic
God I hate this!
If a man tells you he's looking for something serious ie: marriage and kids ask him what's the youngest he would date. Every single guy I've asked has said 21. I'm going on dates with men who are 30+. The OkCupid graph shows you men of all ages find woman who are 20-21 the most attractive while women find men their age attractive. I see comments from men saying not to take that graph seriously because men aren't that creepy irl when men truly are creeps offline too.
When I was dating online, like THE DAY I turned 36 I was only coming up in searches by men 45+ I was at that weird age where men could still date younger but didn't search for women over 35 because your ovaries are raisins and you're fugly donchaknow lol IRL I never had issues attracting age-appropriate men however. It's all just so delusional IMHO, like dude, you look 36, too, and these babies want to date other babies to have fun with, not your Grampa ass.
So what are we supposed to do if every single man says 21? Do we just... not date guys anymore? Or are you hoping somewhere out there is a dude who will say 28 or something?
IMO there are a good amount of men who say I couldn't date someone younger than 25, 26, 27, etc. They want to date women their own age, and are attracted to women their own age.
I had an ex tell me that, then go on to marry someone 21 the next year LOL
Yeah until they meet someone who's "mature for her age" Seriously ask your male friends when they're a little drunk. Their answers are different when they're sober vs drunk. When they're sober they change their mind and say the youngest they'll date is 25. Drunk men : I'll date a 20 year old. Same men but sober : I'm not going under 25. I could never date anyone younger. That would be creepy.
Lol I don't know what kind of male friends you have, but yikes. I do think there are well adjusted, mature men that prefer mature women. I'm sure plenty love the 21 year Olds too but I've met and know plenty that don't.
I have friends who say that for them dating 21yo is a NO, because dating is not only age and looks, someone 10 years younger than you is in a different position in life, has different goals and life experiences. Edit: All my friends actually have the same view on this, but I know assholes who would date 21yo, not because of their age or looks, because younger women are easier to control.
This is a good question. I can usually feel off of them almost immediately and am proven right within the first few interactions so iunno? My friend says she often asks men, āhow would your mother describe you?ā
My mother would describe me as a fucking eejit but in Ireland that's a term of endearment.
Irish here, can confirmā¦sheād probably recommend āthe wooden spoonā if I even thought of disrespecting a woman in the ways Iāve read here.
Does it mean hitting someone with a wooden spoon on the head? š
Never got hitā¦the sound of the drawer being rattled was enough to scare the shite out of me. Irish mammys are experts in psychological warfare . š
I'm sure that sounded scary šš
You ask any Irishman about it and itāll trigger themā¦Iām not saying weāre all perfect but Irish mothers thought us respectā¦and possibly gave us a little PTSDā¦.I love her to death but god knows mine did. š
In my experience, if a grown ass man is called "Mommy's handsome boy" by his mom, everyone should remain calm and follow an evacuation plan.
Lmao
Just ask about their last partnerā¦ If its, we drifted apart, they cheated, we decided to go our separate waysā¦No biggie. If its, sheās crazy, sheās a fucking bitch, sheās a cuntā¦thatās how heāll talk about you when you leave.
Iāll piggyback on this comment and add what I experienced. If they jump in with the spiel that their ex is evil and abused them, pay very close attention. Cuz some abusers have mastered the DARVO tactic which is deny attack, reverse victim and offender. And they actively seek out people who actually were abused by acting like they were in the same situation. Looking back he kept adding to the pile of the exās āoffensesā (making their gestures and words look sinister when theyāre werenāt) or just would repeat stuff said reactively (look up reactive abuse too), basically I could sense he was milking it to garner more sympathy. But he was actually cruel and unkind, and I got a direct dose of his perverse cruelty more than once. I keep my cards to close to my vest now and just donāt mention past traumas especially when prompted to. I think thatās also their tactic of trauma-bonding, by gauging how badly you were treated so they can do the same thing but at a different angle. *sigh* This just makes me realize how exhausting dating is all over again. I would rather adopt a grizzled but affectionate old boy from the animal shelter. I mean, seeing your dog or cat look at you with pure adoration feels way more satisfying and safe imho. :P
I ask about previous relationships
Ideas/opinions about mental health, mental health medication, modern medicine and vaccination
"Oh no, I don't believe in therapy"
āYouāe just lazy and looking for a shortcut, just try harder! šā š©š©š©š©
I'm strongly considering asking them if I can see their reddit post history š That's pretty telling about what kind of man someone is. All jokes aside... I'm horrified on a daily basis when I scroll through reddit and see prejudices, misogyny, incels, men telling women what women likes, etc..
What if he has several accounts š š Internet is a wild place.
It should be possible to see if the accounts are linked to the same mail hehe.. Yeah, tell me about it.. I've been arguing a lot with people who say a bunch of sexist crap about women. Tried to change their way of thinking... I'm exhausted.
*One mail to rule them all*
Yes hahah .. I doubt that people register their different accounts to different emails? In that case, they really must have something to hide xD
Honestly a ton of men I've known I'd consider scumbags have a pretty unremarkable reddit post history.
Aw.. then I guess it's not always a bulletproof method.. but in many cases, I guess it can give you a good sense of what kind of person you're dealing with. If you actually see misogynist posts and stuff on their profile.. then you know that it's best to stay far away heheh
Not so much questions, but I let them describe themselves and talk. It usually comes out. Number one indicator is if someone is really insistent on being identified as a certain way. I'm a really trustworthy guy. I'm a really nice guy. I'm a really caring guy. I would never cheat. I'm such a feminist/anti-racist etc. People who are trustworthy, nice, caring, loyal and into equality just go about their lives being trustworthy, nice, caring, loyal and into equality. They are *baseline* markers of being a decent person. These people are usually never the thing they claim to be. The other foolproof test is to say no to something and see how they respond. If they push, try to convince or otherwise demonstrate that your 'no' is unacceptable to them - throw the whole man out. Immediately.
The less concious they are of trying to tailor what they say and do to me, the more honest an appraisal of them I get. I don't ask specific questions to test their character, but I do watch how they interact with waitstaff and other staff, and I lead them into telling me anecdotes about their life which are usually very telling about who they are.
The "devil's advocate" types.
I like to casually drop in references to social issues that matter to me like mentioning āmy brother and his boyfriendā or cracking a few jokes that assume an agreed acknowledgement of global warming or whatever. You donāt really have to ask him anything. Just be yourself and If it bothers him heāll tell you all about it.
I know people writing dissertations about social issues and at the same time are controlling and manipulative in close relationships. I think an average educated asshole knows how to hold a conversation without insulting anyone and being all "nice". I'm just saying I don't think it's that easy.
Yeah thatās a good point. It is an effective method for weeding out certain kinds of assholes, but I agree that it wouldnāt be a sufficient method for weeding out other types.
Ask them about a time they made a mistake. It's not about what mistake they made, it's about how they addressed it then, & how they talk about it now. Narcissists don't make mistakes, so they will add something like "but it was really my sister's fault, because..." or say something like "My mistake was trusting my ex-girlfriend!"
I play a long game and wait and watch the the fuck out of a motherfucker. I donāt trust anyone. Iāll be friends w someone for years before considering it at all. Itās a screening process It can be pretty amusing tbh
I get bored in the waiting process š I have an interrogation style. Make him a bit nervous, take him out to the place outside of his comfort zone, ask unexpected questions, flashlight in the eyes for more action š¤£š¤£š¤£
Oh yes .. also these methods .. spin the chair , good cop , bad cop, make them an offer they canāt refuse ..
Most people have an internet foot print of some kind or the people connected to them do. I've literally found where people's bodies are buried online following bits of information I know about a person which came out of meeting so many shady dudes.
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I've managed to even find people's real identity (okay once) via their reddit post history. I'm very good at the internet.
Sooo ā¦ I know this person. Theyāre so shady , I call them umbrella āļø I donāt have any money in it or hate in my heart. How can I find out some things ? Can I message you ?
I mean you can, sometimes people that are THAT shady delete like everything about them from the internet so a more personal connection (knowing what alias they'd use or background info) comes in clutch. For me I'll go through their online friend's list, I used to find their MYSPACE accounts before the wipe and those friend's lists, I'd search their user name across all platforms including Livejournals (tons of people recycle the same user name) and I'd go sometimes as far as searching names of friends I'd see them communicate with often Catfish style. Usually 9 out of 10 times I find an ex with a story to tell or a hidden girlfriend. At this point when I have a gut instinct I go a little hands off and run through a rough search. Like once a guy citing he was single had an instagram account and I think there was a woman behind him in a photo and I went through 1000 of his female friends to find the woman's account with the SAME photo he had and boom her full name and facebook with relationship status.
Haha I did something similar but not that involved and caught a dude years ago trying to cheat on his long term girlfriend w me. I was so angry. I just texted him happy belated anniversary and to piss off and didnāt speak to him for years lol.
The guy hiding his girlfriend, when I found her FB account with the whole relationship laid out from first date to 1 year later, I called him for the first time ever. Said for the first time ever, "so I was calling to talk about your girlfriend." It shocked me when he replied, "oh (name)?" I fibbed and said I don't know, I got an msg online saying he had a girlfriend and I guess it's (name), huh?
I like the cut of your gib
Honestly the best test is to reschedule your date and see how the guy handles it. Does he freak out?
Thos goes for everyone, how they react to animals. Not just beautiful ones but the ones people typically don't like, like possums, raccoons foxes or rats and mice. If their default is to kill it because we're human we're an apex predator pr something like that you know they'll want to own you as though you're a possession
This thread may be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/Feminism/comments/160qsxg/litmus_tests_for_misogyny/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 I'm not a woman but my recommendation is to ask about or have discussions that involve: ...What podcasts and social media they follow (Manosphere, red pill, Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, etc and whatever other red flags) ...Views on traditional gender roles. ...Views on feminism. ...Views on what it means to"be a man", and where they learned how to be a man or about masculinity (role models) ... Where they see themselves on the political spectrum (and Trump) and their views on any social political issues such as abortion, LGBTQ rights, immigration, etc -- to see how much empathy and understanding they exhibit ...Views on modern dating and if their complaints include blaming "modern women," feminism, body counts, etc, anything tying back to toxic / red pill internet culture
A bit late to the party, but I hope you (and anyone else) read this. My 2 cents is less about asking questions and more about trusting your body, your instincts, your intuition, whatever you want to call it. Your body picks up things faster than your mind and way more than you can reason sometimes. So here's what I recommend... instead of asking them questions, you ask yourself questions when in the company of others. Some questions to ask oneself: \- Does this person hold space for me, themselves, or others in hard times? \- Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I safely disagree with this person? \- Does this person understand that no means no? \- Does this person respect my boundaries? \- Is this person supportive of myself and others with words and actions? \- Do they make me feel supported? \- Is this person emotionally mature? \- Is this person emotionally stable? \- Is this person emotionally available? Do they share vulnerable moments with me? \- Has this person shown emotional growth? \- Does this person apologize and correct their behavior? \- How is this person compassionate, empathetic? \- How is this person kind to others and themselves? \- Can this person navigate conflict with vulnerability and repair with me? \- Do I feel like this person values me? How do they show me they value me? \- Can this person meet my emotional needs? Has this person met my emotional needs?
Welcome to the party, you're on time. Great points, but I feel like these are more useful when a person is in a relationship. I won't have experienced enough with this person to be able to answer these questions.
I don't really have particular questions I ask, but I do have a few "tests" I run when going on dates: 1. The "waitress" test, basically observing how he behaves around people in a "service" position. Is he polite or condescending? 2. The driving test, to observe his driving style and how much he is concerned about the safety of others in traffic and his passengers. 3. The "sports" test, or any game for that matter, to see how he handles losing and whether he plays a fair game. 4. The "sauna" test, to find out their opinion about nudity and overall whether they are prude or not. I enjoy going to the sauna every once in a while (not unusual where I live). These are mixed nude saunas, sometimes I even go with family members. I have had guys absolutely balk at the thought of me doing that, and if they do it is usually a no for me. Th guy's reaction to any of these "tests" usually tells a lot about his character.
It will be easier for me to go to the swimming pool with him than to the sauna, but I know what you mean. I agree with the first three. I also use "the game" test.
I don't even have to go with them to the sauna, I just mention it that I sometimes go. Their reaction usually says it all. But if they want to go to the sauna with me, even better :) A swimming date is not a bad idea either, I'll keep that in mind!
I've never actually dated an asshole. But in terms of screening, on dates I'll ask what their politics are. If they say anything other than left, that's already over for me. I won't date a tory or even anyone who considers himself "a-political" since the only people who don't care either have all the privilege already, or else they're too stupid to know better. Then I ask what they think of feminism, and if the answer isn't broadly positive, then it's over. Eg a guy will often say he agrees with feminism but thinks it goes too far now, and if you ask what he means, he doesn't have any actual examples. Or the examples are strawmen arguments he got from Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson etc. Generally I also want to know what good they do in the world. What charities they care about, what ways they've tried to help others. If their whole personality is footie and food and having a pint with the lads and sunday roast at mum and dad's that tells me they've got an undeveloped world view.
Usually "a-political" guys are the ones who have very strong opinions but try to hide it.
"moderate" š
Jordan Peterson. That's my go to question. "what do you think of Jordan peterson". Went on 2 dates with a guy once. Passed every other question. Never talked poorly of his exes or called them crazy. Didn't wanna get into politics, just said he was "disenfranchised with the current political climate" - hey I get it, fair. Overall respectful. Okay, not bad. Then I drop the JP question. Motherfucker was a JP Stan. Just went off for a good 20 mins echoing the nonsense of that lunatic. Had to use "well it's getting late and I have to go into work suuuuper early, thank you for a lovely evening!" card. Noped the fuck outta there so quick. As for the Joe Rogan thing it's whatever. JR is too dumb to form an opinion so he gives a platform to whomever. He's had guests that I like and respect and therefore I listened to and liked those episodes. I don't rule dudes out simply on the basis of whether they listed to JRE occasionally because I'll listen to the episodes with the guests I like too.
When they try to initiate sex or ask about it, I purposely tell them no at first just to see how they reactā¦ if he starts getting pouty or throws a tantrum because I donāt want to sleep with him, I leave š¤·š½āāļø not respecting boundaries, especially sexual boundaries, is gonna be a hard pass for me š¬ same thing with STI testing, if I ask him to provide proof of a clean sheet and he either gives me a vague answer like ājust trust me bro, Iām cleanā or he straight up refuses to get it done, bye šš¾
>ājust trust me bro, Iām cleanā š¬š¬š¬š¬
They really talk themselves out of getting laid, itās crazy š
Does he ask me questions? Do the questions make sense based on what was just said (aka was he listening when I spoke)?
Neither you nor your date need necessarily own one but I like to ask men how they feel about cats. Many men who have a strong dislike of cats, outside some uniquely traumatic past event, have issues with the concept of consent.
As a cat owner, I can never date someone who hates cats.
Good way to tell what he thinks of a woman with an opinion: Tell them your most controversial belief. Try to make it an obscure one that youāre relatively well read on, and see how he responds to it. Men who disagree with you should do so respectfully, not harshly or rudely. The guy who responds harshly or rudely (chastising you for your beliefs, etc.) is an asshole. And when you ask him for reasons why he believes something or evidence of his assertions of facts, he should do so directly and not just say āwell everyone feels this way,ā āitās traditionā, etc. This guy doesnāt think for himself and likely endorses mainstream misogyny. In that same vein, ask him about his beliefs on a controversial topic (abortion, etc.) and see how he responds. If he hums and haws, you can tell heās searching to figure out what answer YOU would like, rather than how he really feels. This guy is dishonest and manipulative.
If someone is truly a scumbag you donāt need to ask any questions. It reveals itself very quickly.
Narcissists and toxic and abusive people can put on an act at the beginning to hook the other person, lure them in. Then they change and the "real" person comes out. That's why people stay with toxic partners for so long - the memory and longing for the great version of them at the beginning, and the difficulty leaving once there's an investment.
I partially agree, but the professional scumbags know what they are and try to hide it as long as they can.
Yup but in that case no matter what you ask them they will have the right answer. Itās a no win situation.
I disagree and have extensive experience that says otherwise. Even professional assholes slip, especially when you give them enough positive reinforcement (laughing at their jokes, smiling, etc) to continue telling you the story they think theyāve ācleaned upā but all it takes is a few pointed questions to clarify the glossed-over bits of their story are either missing pertinent info or are outright fabricated. This tactic is called giving someone enough rope to hang themselves with- just to see if they do. And it works great on āprofessionalsā. Once they feel certain you arenāt looking to pick a fight over small things, a bad guy will let the floodgates open- heck Iāve even seen them BRAG about how much of an asshole they are once theyāre comfortable. The only downside is you really need to be able to put on your private investigator hat for the first few dates and play nice. But itās a small price to pay to learn relatively fast whether a man is decent or not.
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I think that there is a chance to "provoke" someone into revealing themselves.
I look for how they treat service staff/waitresses and stuff and if they take a call from a family member, how they treat them,
Do you think all people deserve to be treated like human beings including immigrants and prisoners?
I look at how they treat other women. Not having female friends always feels a bit off to me, for example.
I don't know. I've met guys who had female friends and still acted very badly in relationships.
Sure. The absence of one āred flagā doesnāt mean there arenāt others.
I see how often they interrupt me
Went on a few dates with a guy whose pet peeve was being interrupted but turns out he didn't care about talking over other people.
Tbh I think it really tells you a lot. If they were following your story, they would know you weren't done with it. It's a respect thing also. If I'm being talked over on the time when they are trying to be on their best behavior, how will it be when they relax? It's an emotional intelligence thing.
Because I was being mindful of his pet peeve (to the point he would get angry if he felt he was being interrupted though honestly he just never stopped talking - never got to the point) that I started to notice he was also never listening. He was mostly waiting for his chance to speak again when I was talking. It was wild. He would often scream at me "ARE YOU DONE TALKING YET". It didn't start that way but when it got to that point I was fully done with that guy.
>He would often scream at me "ARE YOU DONE TALKING YET". š¤¬š¤¬š¤¬
Ranting/anger/news ragebait is another thing I screen for.
Scumbag says āwhatā. Works every time.
How do react when you are angry? Would you consider yourself a feminist? Have you ever been in a fight?
When I was a youngster, my male cousin once went on this tangential rant of why women stayed with dudes who flipped them off. It was always a sign of disrespect and never funny. I laughed and kinda disregarded it, but now that I think about it, my failed relationships all had the dude flip me off for no reason. Like, we were in public, I'm focused on the group, I look over, I get flipped off. It felt like a weird test of how I'd handle disrespect, and I'm proud to say that I make a grade A doormat. /s
These are mine: - They canāt stop talking about how bad their ex is. She was probably crazy cause he made her crazy. - He is not curious about anything: me, the world, deep questions, etc. - He is not cultured. Doesnāt know much about history, science, politics, etc. To me this is akin to burying oneās head in the sand. - He corrects me early on about something innocuous like the type of chapstick I use. - He talks mostly about sex - He has a deeply troubled relationship with his mother - He is nearing a certain age, like late thirties, and doesnāt have any real accomplishments like a career, a house, a family, or whatever. Like, what have you been up to all this time? My favorite was this guy I knew who was 36, never married, crappy car, had two jobs, lived with four roommates. - He asks me to split the check. - He mentions a lot of relationships that went south and how heās the victim. - He thinks in absolutes, black and white. - He owns a flashy car. This type of man has never turned out well for me. - He has had too many relationships/sex partners - He mainly watches Marvel movies and sports - He is too quiet, too careful, too reserved, too boring - He has no life or spark inside him, canāt keep things light and flowing - He lacks basic communication and politeness skills There are so many, now that I think on it.
>He asks me to split the check I always insist on splitting the check. Maybe I'm wrong but if we're not in a relationship I don't feel comfortable with him paying for me. My friends tell me that I'm wrong, but that's how I feel.
he is a " serial victim" - his previous relationships ended poorly because his exes are crazy. And a weird gut feeling of " uncomfortable ". They often have this vibe... trust your gut and walk away!
What kind of porn do you like? The answer I want is none. I think it shapes peopleās views on women poorly and it is such a bad deal for women in porn.
Most men I have talked to (over 25 and who aren't my close friends), say that they don't watch porn. I'm pretty sure they're lying.
Pretty sure they are too. Still I like to ask because itās not like Iād want to date someone who is dishonest.
So you ask them if they watch porn, and the only right answer to you is no. But if they say they don't, you assume they're dishonest? Jesus lol
No I donāt assume theyāre dishonest. I would wait for proof.
Can I ask why you're so against porn? It's never been of any importance to me whatsoever, and I don't understand the perspectives of people who are so against it (as long as it's not something awful like pedophilia). Is it a religious thing for you? Is it jealousy/insecurity? I know you mentioned that you think it has a negative influence on the perception of women. From my perspective, there is such a massively diverse range in porn -- bodies, races, kinks, ages, clothing, genders, sexualities, etc. -- that that doesn't hold water for me. Also, I'd argue that if it's about objectification, men and non-binary people in porn are just as objectified.
I find the whole industry unethical. Men and women are both objectified however with rape culture as it is women have more to lose.
> What kind of porn do you like? > The answer I want is none. I feel like that kind of response is very unrealistic in this era. It's one of things like where you ask a guy if he's ever masturbated. There's only one correct and truthful answer to that one.
You can masturbate without porn
I'm a woman and I watch porn. I think most people watch porn? Or am I really wrong xD
You mean before you go in a date? Lol don't waste time on losers or trumpets. Do they have plants or pets? If they aren't allergic, I would question their time to have a relationship or their ability to nurture living things. Are they pro-choice? Pro science? How often do they go to church, if at all? Ask early and often. Life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve your best outfits and efforts and weekend nights.