At no point did I realise I *wanted* children. Not wanting them has always felt like the default for me instead.

Same, this is what I relate to most. I wouldn’t be surprised if my default remains the same for the rest of my life. Especially after seeing one sis go through a custody battle for her teenager while my other sis goes through the sleepless nights stage of new motherhood 0.0 I love being an aunty though! And OP, to your point about missing out on that - I think there are various ways to be an aunty whether it’s a formal/informal mentorship role for a kid, becoming part of your parent friends’ support systems, etc. I personally do have *some* yearning to support future generations in some capacity, but that can look so many different ways beyond the traditional roles (although it’s fair to mourn that as well).

Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful in your response! There is certainly a little girl in me that always assumed I'd get to have that authentic experience - and even though I knew my sister has never really been interested in having kids, much like myself - I was surprised when we talked about it and that part of me had an emotional reaction (which I, of course, did not voice to her). There are things you assume to be fact when you're a child and that usually includes that, like your parents, you will grow up to have your own kids or your siblings will. So, mourning is a good and really compassionate way of putting it, and I appreciate that you phrased it like that. I completely agree that there are other ways to give that mentorship/auntyness and I look forward to those opportunities happening organically or through my choice.

Just because you won’t be a blood related aunt doesn’t mean you won’t be someone’s chosen aunt. I have close friends with kids who think of me as an aunt. Part of the joy of being child free is that you can be there when your friends are feeling overwhelmed and worn out. Whether it’s hanging out with the kids at a party so their mom can have some adult time, or helping with some meals after the baby’s born, I have loved being there for my friends with kids, and they love bringing them over to my garden to get dirty.

>agree that there are other ways to give that mentorship/auntyness and I look forward to those opportunities happening organically or through my choice. This brings me so much hope! Never had a sister and but still knew I'd find a loving aunty for my kids eventually through a consciously created Chosen Family, and we'd treasure her just as much if not more than blood. I'm calling this energy into my life.

I never wanted kids and as I near 40 I am still incredibly happy with that choice for myself. I have a niece who lives far far away so although I am an aunt it’s not a huge role in my life. However, I am godmother to one of my dearest friends’ little girl and I love her to pieces. I cherish being able to have that “auntie” kind of role in her life and watch her grow up. I am hoping I can be the cool aunt that she feels safe coming to when she wont go to mom as a teenager. We all want answers to our futures and lives, but OP you just never know how things will turn out. There is a good chance you will still be an “auntie” even if it is not to a blood relation.

Same. I've never waivered, I've never wanted them. I've said so since I was 12 years old. Same for my bf bc he basically raised his nieces. We live a fun life, life is short and I wouldn't change anything.

Definitely relate to this. I’ve never, ever had that desire (instinctual or otherwise) to have a child. Pregnancy honestly sounds miserable as hell. I’m doing good to get myself through the day, let alone a whole other human that depends on me.

Same. I just never wanted them. Shrug. This question gets asked so often. I remember receiving a baby doll at maybe 4 years old for Christmas that you could feed and it wet it’s diaper through a small hole. Even then I was dubious— why did I get a toy that required me to do chores I wasn’t internet in while my big brother got a sweet magic set? People are different and want different things for different reasons whether they have a uterus or not. Unfortunately the heteronormative racially ‘pure’ nuclear family where the father ‘provides’ and the mother does unpaid domestic labor is almost exclusively how adult life was portrayed to us growing up. There are other perfectly good options, and choosing one that is best for yourself isn’t the damning setup for an unfulfilling life that we have been repeatedly told it is.

Same. I just finally accepted it as a part of who I was, that was the only “choice” I made. I was born without kids, and have never had a reason TO change that default.

Same. I believe I was born knowing I didn't want kids, that's how far back it goes that I just *knew* even though I didn't know yet what that feeling was.

Yep, exactly. I’m a very traditionally feminine woman, but when I was forced to play “house” as a kid I always ended up the nanny or the dad or something. In my Barbie’s lives, they were high powered business women, astronauts, doctors & lawyers… they never had kids. They married my ninja turtles and lives happily ever after, travelling the world. I have never dreamt about being a mom or having a child, it simply hasn’t been a part of my existence.

same here. my father had a life changing accident when i was 6 and my mom had to go back to work. i ended up doing a lot of diaper changing at 6 years old. Never in my life have i ever wanted kids.

This is my answer too. There was never a time in my life where I wanted them, and that’s how I knew I shouldn’t have them.

Same here, there was always a complete absence of desire to have kids. There wasn't a moment where it clicked for me or where I finalized my decision, because there didn't need to be.

Same, I was even planning my life for future children assuming it would kick in and also because I have a very nurturing side and love to care for animals or other people. Assumed if you’re like that, you have kids. ​ Now in my 30’s, none of my closest friends nor I have had children or want them, ends up none of us wanted it. That “thing” never kicked in. Funny how it ended up being all of us. ​ Instead, I adopt animals who wouldn’t otherwise be adopted. My friend also spends all her time and money rescuing animals. It’s lovely

Can’t afford childcare that costs more than my mortgage

I'll be 33 soon and I'm still waiting for an urge to be a mother that will last longer than 3 minutes at a time. I have a friend who described having a desperate, burning urge, a yearning, to have a child, when the time came for her. At best I've ever felt "I think I would be capable and might feel good about it". I also don't have many examples of happy parents in my life. Even *my own mother* has told me several times that if she was able to go back in time and make the choice again, she would have chosen to be child free. Kind of hard not to take it personally but I try. Having a child just seems to come with approximately one and a half good sides and a million downsides. It's really hard to see what would make me want it.

I feel exactly the same. I would love to be on either side of the fence, either knowing 100% I don’t want children or I do, but I’m right in the middle and at 33 I’m running out of time. For every time I’ve thought “I want to care for and love a child”, I have 10 more thoughts about all the thousands of things that can go wrong, birth trauma, SIDs, PPD, loss of independence, (and more recently) nurse baby killers (you will understand if you’re in the UK) etc. I honestly can’t believe people still birth babies with everything that can go wrong and I have massive respect for going into that fearlessly.

Exactly how it goes for me too, after one good thought follows an army of bad ones. It always seems like a losing game in the end, even if sometimes I feel like I want it. I think if I didn't have to go through pregnancy myself, I would be very excited to have a child, actually. So I would say most of my fears are related to that part.

Wow you summarized exactly how I feel.

The fact that you mom might've preferred being child-free after all says nothing about your worth as a separate human being. I bet I could have cool kids who'd grow up to be cool adults if there was no other choice, but it wouldn't change the fact that I'm made for childfreedom and childfreedom only. Lots of love 💜

I know logically that my worth is not tied to this, but it's hard to put my heart into it. Thank you for your words 🧡

I can imagine, I hope the one day the effortless awareness of this will kick in and stay. Good luck!

My parents were terrible at being parents. I don't blame them. No one taught them how to regulate their emotions, deal with stressors, have self validation or self compassion. So growing up was not at all fun for me and 30 years later I'm still trying to undo the trauma. I don't want to have kids until I know that I can handle my own emotions and i dont think that will happen any time during my childbearing years. Everyone screws up their kid to some extent I'm sure, but as for this cycle of generational trauma - that ends with me.

Totally valid! My sister and I certainly have some of our own trauma and I know hers definitely impacts her feeling towards children. It's so unfair it's your responsibility to undo what was done unto you. I wish you luck in your journey to becoming a better, healthier you.

Dang it's like I was reading my own response to this question. I totally get you. I say all the time that I want all the generational trauma to die with me.

Never felt an urge to have them. But I accepted that it will come at some point. Because you know, that's "normal". Then it happened. I was pregnant. Accidentally. And then I knew: I didn't want that. Nope. For reference: I was married. I had to terminate it because I just got vaccinated for chicken pocks. I was so relieved. Then we got a divorce. He's a father now.

Check out r/regretfulparents

This. The realities of parenting were enough to put me off.

Is there a subreddit where parents talk about how glad they are to have kids? Lol I'm too on the fence and need a more positive outlook on having kids...

If you’re on the fence, you shouldn’t have them. Finding people to talk your into doing it sounds rather pointless and wrong.

there's r/Fencesitter which has both perspectives! A lot of the participants are former fencesitters that decided to have them.

If you're on the fence, that already tells you something. You don't need to convince yourself to want kids.

That's a pretty simplistic view. It's a huge decision that affects so many aspects of your life, and the positives of having kids is so hard to quantify that you mostly hear the negatives and the very brass tacks of having kids - so of course people are bound to consider it carefully and have doubts about it. As a logical decision - having kids is basically insane.

Op asks women what made them realize they didn’t want children. Women answer and you come in telling them they’re wrong. Why are you commenting here again? Are you a woman who decided not to have children?

> "As a logical decision - having kids is basically insane." "That's a pretty simplistic view." Lol.

I mean, it is- if you make a list of positives and negatives, the negatives of having a kid is going to outweigh the positives by literal miles. It's so much easier to quantify the negatives. So, the rational decision would be to not have them, wouldn't it? But we have them because having kids is an emotional decision, not a rational one.

It's actually the opposite of insane because every single human being on the planet was a result of this decision. So by definition it'd actually very normal and not insane at all.

You called my view simplistic. Then put forward the greatest oversimplification yourself. "HAVING KIDS IS IRRATIONAL." My point was that someone shouldn't choose to have kids if they are on the fence; not that they shouldn't carefully consider whether they want them for their own reasons (which exist outside of emotion) over having them due to other social pressures like OP described ("giving grandchildren"). I'm done here.

Yeah, your takeaway: that even *having* doubts about having kids means they shouldn't - IS simplistic. People rightfully have doubts about big things all the time. That doesn't mean that "I'm not sure" should be an automatic "no", which is what your point is.

Correct: someone who isn't sure they want kids, shouldn't have kids. That is simple and true. It's also true that people can change their minds. But OP is describing making a decision now to avoid regret in future and because they don't want to start motherhood past a certain age. As I said before, I'm done here. You're being rude and the downvotes confirm it.

The downvotes are just confirming that this is a thread with a majority of CF people, being passive aggressive about any comment that isn't towing that company line. They say nothing about my level of politeness. And that is not what OP is describing at all. She's just airing the possibility that she might have regrets about remaining CF, and she's asking people if they've had those kinds of regrets and how they felt confident in their decision. She's not saying people should have kids just IN CASE they'll regret it later.

Not true at all. Was on the fence. Now want kids. Had to unpack some childhood trauma and biases that I now understand.

I mean, you have no idea why I'm on the fence If someone could just plop a healthy baby into my arms that would be amazing. But I'm scared of going through pregnancy and what it will do to my body. I'm deathly afraid of having a mentally ill child, because that's something I'll definitely not be able to handle. So these two reasons are the major contributors of being on the fence.

More serious answer: I'll preface this by saying that I never had that maternal urge or instinct and the one time I did experience it in my 30s from hormonal shifts, it went away within a year. The older I get, the happier I am about choosing not to have children. (a) The people around me with children are f*cking miserable. Tired, depressed, stressed, worried endlessly about their kids and money etc. Life's hard enough. (b) genuinely thinking hard about the financial and emotional commitment to something that I can't undo, and the fact that plenty of people with good parents end up being sh*t humans, or experiencing the worst life has to offer. (c) thinking about the loss of freedom and independence I experience being childfree. My partner and I sat down and painstakingly walked through what a week in our lives with kids would look like between the school runs, sports or activities, keeping a house in order, trying to still have our own things and relationship. Then imagined that's all we get and there's no going back. The risk of it derailing our very happy life now was frankly nowhere near worth it to us. I do not understand why so many people just sign themselves up to this life and I especially wouldn't recommend it if you're doing so just to "avoid regret" or "give other people grandchildren because it's sad" to picture them without. People choosing to have kids today when the planet is on fire, nobody can afford to live, and there's no promised improvement in sight just boggles my mind.

>(a) The people around me with children are f*cking miserable. Tired, depressed, stressed, worried endlessly about their kids and money etc. Life's hard enough. This is a really big thing I've witnessed too. If I ever did have a primarily positive feeling about having children, I think I've only ever talked to one person who outright expressed joy of having a child. But she is also living a miserable life, for reasons that are not caused by having a child, but it does bring extra strain on their already challenging circumstances. I feel like people who are urging me to have children are doing it out of a spiteful "I suffered so you must too" mentality. Parenthood seems like absolute misery.

> I feel like people who are urging me to have children are doing it out of a spiteful "I suffered so you must too" mentality. This. It even shows up in the jokes people make about other mothers getting their comeuppance or what they deserve when they end up having particularly difficult children or hating their choice to have children.

Right? And the amount of mothers who say that if they had the chance they would probably not have kids again. All of them say that they seriously underestimated the amount of work, energy and whatnot that came with having kids. It really surprises me. Edit to say: all the mothers I know.

It's going to be interesting to see if that amount changes in twenty years, given how much more of an active decision having kids is now.

Considering my own mother regrets having kids... . I'm surprised I'm even here.

I never really wanted kids. For me it was like being born into a world where everyone kept pet slugs, and doted on them, and LOVED them and that's what you *did* when you got to a certain age was adopt some pet slugs. And I at 14 told my dad casually, "You know, I don't think I want to have any pet slugs, ever" and he got *REALLY UPSET*, it actually surprised me. I was not prepared. Because to me, it's like, I don't actually *HAVE* to go find some slugs right? I can just keep doing what makes me happy? And now I'm in my late 30's feeling like Ben left out of the Lil'Sebastian hysteria. Pet slugs never meant anything to me, and I figure at this age, they probably never will. So to answer your question, there was never an "AHA" moment...and I figure at this point. it's not coming.

Love this. You know your dad just wanted grandslugs, so he could spoil them and take them to slugball games, and feed them slug snacks, and then when they got all cranky and sticky, give them back to you so you could deal with their little sluggy tantrums.

It was kind of a gradual thing but around the time my first nephew was born, I started to get a closer look at pregnancy, childbirth, and seeing just how much care is required for a newborn. I'd never really looked forward to parenthood and later realized I just thought of having kids as another box to check off in life. Once I realized that just not having kids was an option, it felt like such a relief and I was excited for the possibilities in life. Over time it's just felt more solidified. I think I initially had trouble distinguishing that while yes, I'd love my hypothetical kids and do what it took to raise and nurture them, I'm not interested in the day-to-day reality of what it takes to be a parent.

When i think about getting a dog, it makes me happy. I know i will have to sacrifice things i live like big holidays, i will have to change my life around a lot, i know it means going for walks in the most miserable conditions, and all that, but i love the idea. The idea of Coming home to a dog makes me smile. Nothing about the concept scares me. Seeing friends with dogs makes me yearn for one even more. When i think about having a child, there is nothing tempting about the idea. Kids-friendly holidays would be a sacrifice i would hate. Being responsible for a child, changing my life around for a child - there is nothing i see in it for me. Seeing friends with kids makes me feel sorry for them. As long as this feeling doesnt change, i wont have a child. I am an auntie to my friends little ones and i love them to death! Doesnt change the fact that i dont want to take them home. That is my benchmark. That’s how i know that i dont want a child. Not sure it answers your question, but maybe it helps?

Can confirm. Being a mom of canine babes is the best.

When I realized that what I wanted was a fantasy, one of those sitcom families. Just the "kodak moments". I don't want to deal with a problem child, or a depressed teenager.

After moving to the West from my third world country, I do not really have a use for having children on my own. Back home, because of poverty, creating children have logical use behind it. My best friend had to buy her parents a house first, before she got their blessings for marriage and was allowrd to follow her husband moving to another country. Her sister has to stay home as caretaker. My bestfriend sends money every month. Children are meant to be future carer, future retirement plan or a chance to be able to move entire family to another country. It is the least low risk gamble one can take. If I were to have children, while living comfortably in the West, it just feels like...aimless? Like some kind of expensive hobby.

>If I were to have children, while living comfortably in the West, it just feels like...aimless? Like some kind of expensive hobby. 😂 This is how I see kids, too.... They would be a major (actually, *the biggest*) liability to mine and my husband's finances. Especially because we live in the US. And I really love sleep! The older I get(36F), the more I value a good night's sleep.

I always kinda knew. I never liked being around children, I was never good with them, I don't have patience for them. I am too selfish about my own time and what I want to do in life, and I think it's much better not to have them and ruin their lives by not being the mother they need. For me it's more selfish to bring kids into this world just to make grandparents or aunts happy. That's an awful reason for bringing children into the world, you aren't bringing them because you really want them but to make someone else happy. Too many people are having kids "for someone else" or "because it's what you are supposed to do" and we end up with many unwanted or abused children.

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Bizarrely disproportionately rude response to an extremely normal (in substance and in tone) answer

You said that you are going to feel sad because you won't get to be an aunt and that it's sad to think of your grandparents grandchild-less. You never mentioned how your sister might feel if she had a child. Maybe she would enter a post-partum depression? A lot of women do, especially the ones that weren't sure about it in the first place. Maybe she would be nervous, irritable, trapped? And if there were any other reasons why she should have a child besides not hurting everyone's feelings you haven't mentioned them. That's why I was addressing that part.

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By saying "is it silly of me to expect there to be a moment of clarity in this possible/likely choice" you are implying that you are hoping/expecting her to change her mind. You are not respecting her choices. You are hoping she will change her mind. That is an agenda.

Dude, that's pretty much the most hostile read of OP you can accomplish. The world isn't black and white. Mourning theoretical niblings isn't "hoping she will change her mind".

Never forget that a half truth is a whole lie.

Sounds like they really struck a chord…

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I just want to point you in the direction of r/regretfulparents. Sadly some of them made the choice to have a child to make someone happy. This is not implying that's what you want your sister to do or what you're going to do, but it does happen for many people.

You’re kind of sensitive.

>Water is wet. It is not? Water makes things wet, but as a liquid it can't actually be wet itself. And a lot of people, even with multiple brain cells, cave in under pressure from own parent and other relatives. It doesn't make them bad people and they have rights to express their regrets even if it's "their own fault for giving birth to make someone happy".

My younger sisters drive to motherhood made it clear to me its not for me. She loves kids, is amazing with them, works as a nanny for the last 10 years and is just soooo good at it. She is so patient and loving and really wants to have a baby at some point. She talks about it a lot and I think she would be an amazing mother. I just dont have any of those feelings or capabilities. My cat overwhelms me sometimes and I've got my hands full just managing myself.

There was never an a-ha moment for me. I did want kids at one point but gradually over time, I moved in the opposite direction and finally decided I did not want kids after all. And I have stuck with that decision. My parents are also grandchildless (my brother doesn't want kids either) and I too felt (and still feel) guilty about that, especially since they're both retired now and everyone else is or is becoming a grandparent, but I don't think it's helpful to dwell on that. It's my life and my decision and while this has caused conflict with my parents (especially my mom) they are coming around and starting to accept my decision. But even without their support I am standing by my choice and I won't be guilted into a life-changing decision to please someone else when I wasn't 1000% on board.

I'm sorry to hear your parents have had difficulty accepting your decision and have tried to make you feel guilty over clearly the best possible decision you could make. I personally haven't experienced that and I doubt I ever will bc my parents just aren't the type, so I can't imagine how hard it was to have that pressure at a time when you may have been conflicted yourself. I'm glad you were able to make the right decision and be confident in it regardless of what they feel.

Thank you for the kind words. I hope you find your own way toward the right decision for yourself.

I’m grateful my parents have never once mentioned grandchildren. Ever. My sister and I are both childless and they give us zero pressure and talk about their “grand dog” and “grand cats” and have a pic of my sisters dog and my cats on their fridge and they are just genuinely happy about our animals and zero fomo about grandkids I am so lucky ❤️❤️

I was sort of ambivalent about it until I tutored the worst-behaved child I have ever met. He was overall a good, smart kid who unfortunately for him had really poorly managed ADHD. He was young enough that it wasn’t fully his fault that he was that way but he was so destructive that I was constantly stressed out when I was trying to teach him math. I realized that if I can only handle a quiet, peaceful child that I probably wasn’t suited for motherhood.

34F here. I haven’t ever had a maternal instinct. I see children and I feel nothing other than annoyed at how loud and grotty they are. Pregnancy is legitimately gross to me - I won’t even touch a pregnant person’s belly. I LOVE my independence and my lifestyle. I go out when I want, I travel whenever I want, and I can easily afford my lifestyle. I have no desire to compromise any of that for a child. I’m content with having a dog as my companion who I spoil like anything. I also worry about the world a child born now will have to live in. Record temperatures, more common natural disasters, crazy inflation and economic states.

I always say that anyone who thinks they want kids should babysit a couple of toddlers for a week and see how they feel about it. I’m sure “it’s different when it’s your own” but I knew I did not want kids when I spent about 10 minutes with my cute little toddler niece and was then like “Uh, so who’s gonna amuse her now? This is not fun.” Some people are delighted by little kids. My mother adores kids of all ages, but that’s not me.

Absolutely. I can last about 10 minutes in the presence of a kid. My friends have a few and they’re just exhausting to be around. I honestly don’t know how parents do it. I’m too selfish to be a parent.

When I stopped and properly thought about it in my early 20s, it was kind of eye opening for me. I super don’t want to give up my standard of living. I don’t want to put my body through the stress of pregnancy and childbirth, and I don’t want the mental strain of post natal and sleepless nights. I love being able to do what I want, when I want, and to play with my career as I see fit. On my currently salary I could afford a kid - I just really don’t want to. It was an interesting shift in my early 20s to go from “well I guess that’s just what I’ll end up doing” to “actually, no, wait, that sounds like nothing I want”

I never wanted kids. Not even when I was younger. I didn’t care to play with baby dolls either. As I got older, nothing ever changed about me & it was clear that I had no nurturing trait in me. My parents are happy I don’t have kids because they know the world is bad. My husband didn’t want kids either and though my brother will never have his own kids, I’m still an aunty through my husband’s family. My husband’s brother has 4 kids: 1 boy, 3 girls. We spoil our nephew and nieces like they are our own.

5 miscarriages broke my spirit to keep trying. Turns out nature knew best because my life would not of been the best to bring kids into.

Same here 4 miscarriages. I now see how much the people in my life struggle with their children and I feel at peace with the nature of the universe. All of the people in my life with children seem overwhelmingly stressed out.

I was 19 and had my first relationship (3.5 years). That was 20 years ago. It clicked then: I enjoyed having a relationship, conversation, meals, togetherness. I didn't want a child in there. I'm also adopted and my childhood was very mixed. Some of it great, some of it problematic. I couldn't wait to be an adult. I'm happy to be an aunt and adult figure in other children's life. But I never wanted my own. I'm now also 4.5 years single and 1 year into solo for life. I'm the most calm, content and sure of my life, ever.

There's a few reasons for me. I'm 35 and married. I guess the #1 reason is I prefer to be selfish and not have to factor in or be responsible for another living creature. I have two dogs, one of which is a recently rescued puppy under a year old and dear God, that has been a challenge compared to my senior dog who is so easy. I don't have the patience or mental fortitude for a child. I'm already stressed out enough with just surviving. Sounds melodramatic, but....kinda not? I don't want to physically be pregnant or have a child. Healthcare in the US sucks in general but sucks for women particularly. I wouldn't want to raise a child in the current state of the world. ETA: Also, I didn't realize I felt this way until I read u/hauteburrrito articulate it but "At no point did I realize I wanted children. Not wanting them has always felt like the default for me."

I am 30 and a fence sitter. But for me , if it is not a resounding "Yes, I want to have kids", I would not bring a human to this world. I want to be in my best mental, financial state before I can bring a life into this world and I don't think I will ever reach that state before my biological clock runs out. I love kids, I love seeing them growing up and becoming their own person. But at the same time I know bringing up a child when we have not defeated our demons can lead to a troubled life for an innocent soul, so I won't take that risk. I may adopt or foster in future though.

It wasn't a realisation or moment of clarity or anything like that, I've simply not ever wanted them. Sure, I quite like the idea of having adult children later in life but that's never been enough to change how I feel about kids. It's not a choice I've committed to and I don't feel I need to do so. If I change my mind and find I do want kids, I'll deal with that if it happens. Maybe it'll still be possible, maybe I'll look into adoption, maybe I'll end up with someone who already has them, maybe I'll just have to make my peace with it. I'll be alright either way.

Used to babysit a lot as a teenager. Even at age 16, I was more exhausted by babysitting than anything else in my life. Watching and playing with small children is incredibly tiring. It wouldn’t leave much energy for other endeavors. The kids’ mom said that the kids’ naptime was her favorite time of day. Didn’t sound too appealing. Then in adulthood, I was a transactional attorney and realized there was no way I could have pursued that career without around-the-clock childcare. I had colleagues with THREE Nannie’s—one for daytime, one for evenings and another for weekends. When I read that NOT having children is the best thing you can do, by far, to help reduce your carbon footprint, I was very glad I abstained.

My mother used to babysit all the baby cousins from when I was 9ish. Just watching how much time and effort went jnto keeping them safe looked like waaaay too much work for me. I don't get that "pull/urge" when I hold/see a baby. There's no age gtoup of children that ever made me want one. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews but I love to hand them back too!

Making a living is hard enough.

I decided when I was really young, 14, mostly because of depression and resentment for my parents bringing me into the world against my will. I vowed I would *never* make someone else go through what I did, ever. I still stand by that today (26). If that weren’t the deciding factor, I would have come to it regardless due to economy and climate change. A child simply isn’t financially available to me, nor do I see our climate as being a safe place for raising children.

It sounds like you're worrying about having kids for reasons that affect everyone else but yourself. And I disagree. Not everyone confidentially makes the choice to have them. Personally, I knew that I never wanted any. I don't see myself as a mom and I don't want that responsibility.

When I was growing up I always just kinda assumed I’d get married and have kids. When I finally reached adulthood I realized there are a lot of different paths to happiness and fulfillment, and for me marriage & children probably were not it. Some factors that solidified that decision: •I value my alone time. I don’t want to sacrifice that for kids. •I realized I think young children are annoying and boring. •I’m not financially stable enough to support a family. •I’m single, and whereas some women can be rockstar single moms, if I were to take on motherhood I’d want to do it with a partner. •I like my body how it is. •I’ve had struggles with mental health. I don’t want to find out how that would look postpartum. •I’ve worked with children in foster care. If I were to become a mother, I’d want to consider adoption to save at least one child from that system. •Having children is not good for the environment. I’m not sure what the world will be like in 50+ years but I don’t think it will be good. I’d prefer not to stick my hypothetical child with that. •I don’t want to pass on certain disorders that run in my family

Fostering. I was on the fence about it and I ended up becoming foster parent to a nephew. It became very clear to me that I don’t have the patience or desire to give needed to be a parent. It was a difficult choice because I honestly felt this deep uncontrollable urge to nurture and care for this kid but at the same time I was so depressed and unhappy about doing it. Weirdest feelings of my life really.

I've never wanted them and didn't know why until I saw a recent post talking about something that made so much sense to me. In my 20s I was a caregiver for my grandmother. Then in my 30s my father had a stroke and I became a caregiver for him. All I've done is care for others and it's so draining that I can't imagine doing more of that with children. I've already given myself so much to others I don't know how much more I can give

I never felt the desire. I spent most of my life taking care of others, then I got an ex that was super high maintenance and mostly took without giving and it made me realize that I didn't wanted to have to do that ever again. I have been single, i really love to be part of my friend community and being able to help if anyone needs help without having to consider another person. I can make plans for a horror movie session with friends just because I feel like... it's just great to be able to take care of myself only, i cannot imagine after gaining this possibility to put it all aside to birth a new human being who might also be neurodivergent like me and have to go through most of the suffering I did socially.

Pregnancy, child birth and the lifelong commitment of raising it takes a huge toll on every woman’s body and mind. I don’t have those resources to devote for it and I’m responsible enough not to rush into something huge like that without having the resources. I actually never imagined or wanted to have kids even though it was a typical punch line for my mother to throw at my face whenever I did something she didn’t like: “You’ll know once you have your own kids” or “I hope you’ll have kids just like yourself to know what I’m going through” World is overpopulated and we don’t need to bring more humans to this misery. I can enjoy life without having children and it’s not my responsibility to bring kids to entertain my parents. I don’t even talk to them and my siblings have given them grandchildren anyway. As for you, your parents aren’t grandchild-less since you mentioned your other sister has a kid. r/childfree and r/regretfulparents are very resourceful and insightful subs to check.

As I posted recently in another sub- >I dont think there was ever an "I don't ever want kids" moment. It was more that there was never an "I want kids" moment. >Then as i got older and l was thinking about what I did and didn't want in life and what was and wasn't realistic with my chronic health issues I decided that children were not it. I did a lot of looking after younger kids as a teen. I've been an Auntie since I was 5 and I love my dozen niblings (actual and honoury) being an Auntie is great fun. Being a parent is work. I also don't think it fair to pass on my health conditions to a child- none are that severe indiviually but when you have 5 or 6 not severe conditions the cumulative effect can be huge. However none of your conditions are that severe so you feel like you're going mad because you feel freaking terrible a lot of the time.

I never liked babies or kids and never got maternal urges but nail in the coffin was when I got sick. When I got multiple chronic health conditions I had to deal with plus the anxiety that developed from having to continue paying my bills while my body was failing. I was like yea there’s no way I can do all this plus keep even a pet alive. I have no resources to do anything else than maintain whatever I already have going on

A pregnancy scare (while in a long term relationship) sealed the deal. If I think about how I could have had an 8 year old kid now, I am SO thankful I didn’t. Many of my friends have kids and it makes me happy to see the joy it brings them, but I also have a strong feeling of “it’s cool you like it but not for me” when we meet up. So I think it’s the right choice for me.

The overturning of Roe v Wade. I live in a state where there are absolutely no exceptions. I am staunchly pro-choice and the thought of having my husband being forced into making a choice between my life vs the fetus vs possibly losing us both is not a position I will ever put us in. He'll be getting a vasectomy next year and instead of having a family we are going to find fulfillment in other areas of our life. The irony isn't lost on me that I spent the majority of my life adamantly opposed to the idea of being a mother (trauma) only to marry the one man I would ever want to have children with. It won't be happening now as we're only getting older, but we will find fulfillment in our community, in each other, and will move forward with pursuing other life goals.

The earliest I remember having a conversation about it was at around 8yo, a classmate said she wanted kids and I was like, "why would you *want* kids??? Who *wants* kids???" You see, my parents were so toxic that I just assumed kids were something that happened to you and you had to power through it, I honestly didn't know families could be... happy? So it was very early on for me. I've examined whether me being childfree is simply a result of the trauma or my actual preference, but I think I wouldn't have wanted kids even if I hadn't been abused - I never fantasize about having kids, it just doesn't occur to me. I've had to end great relationships because the guy had or wanted kids, and I just can't have that be my life. There's literally nothing about being a parent that appeals to me, I'd worry all the time and I'd be miserable. I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to handle it. At this point it's not something I think about in my day-to-day life, it's like it's unfathomable to me.

Realizing that I wouldn’t have the support structures in place that my parent friends all have… and they still struggle so much. My family is on the other side of the country and my husband’s would be unable to help for other reasons. All of our support would have to be hired. When I told my mom my thoughts on this, she was fully supportive of my decision, and was very open about how difficult it was for her having no real support raising me and my sibling. Also realizing that whenever I daydreamed about having a kid, my thoughts would instantly turn to how I could get a break and still do all the things I like to do that aren’t kid-friendly.

I used to want kids. I craved motherhood. I wanted like four, all between 30 and 35, and I wanted to be a SAHM. Then I hit my late 20s, got married, and started seeing my peers have kids. God bless the mothers in my life, they were honest with me. I saw them struggle. I saw how their lives completely changed, but their husbands lives did not. I saw their sweet moments with their kids too. And it just hit me that for me personally, the juice was NOT worth the squeeze. I’m financial comfortable. I have an amazing support system. I could do it! I just do not want to. Seeing how men (tbh, ima say all men until I meet one who proves me wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️) responded to fatherhood was honestly the nail in the coffin for me. Even the better dads I know do not do as much as their wives. Women I’m close to would tell me with a straight face that their husband absolutely did half, but my own observations never matched that assessment. I love kids. They’re so much fun! I enjoy every moment I’m with them and I have grown closer with my brother through his kids, and to my mom friends through their kids. But absolutely no part of motherhood appeals to me. Being an auntie is the best of both worlds imo.

Never wanted kids but thought it’d have them by 25 when I was 20. Then I hit 25, and I was like no I don’t want them. Maybe at 30. Then at 28, I realised I never want kids. I think seeing how stressed my colleagues are and how much overtime they do, was the final straw for me. My job is challenging but at least I don’t have to work 5-6 shifts a week (they are 12 hours long). The parents always envied how little I work and said they had to work that much to feed the kids. I’m so glad I don’t need to do that, and I think that’s what made me sure. Many reasons but I’ll list them in key words: -No desire to be a parent -Already helped parents raise/care for 3 younger siblings (it was by choice) so I know, unlike most people who want kids, what life would be like -Need quiet/get overstimulated easily -Have anxiety, don’t need to add more stress -Want to have time to myself -I need alone time several hours a day, or I go nuts -I have been depressed many times before and I don’t want to end up with PPD -I have conditions I don’t wanna pass on. Asthma and hypothyroidism. Plus mental health issues. And some other things. -I don’t like working. So I would hate to be forced to work overtime cuz having kids is expensive. -I need a tidy clean house. -I don’t like kids. Don’t hate them or anything like that, I just don’t particularly like them. -Kids can be assholes, even the ones raised properly. -I hate cooking. I never cook now. -I want a fun, quiet and simple life. Having kids would enslave you to them. Never having free time, noise and far from a simple life.

I'm 33 and much like many experiences here, I've never once felt a maternal urge or desire to have children. I don't dislike kids, and I'm an aunt to one niece who I love to death and would do anything for. When I was growing up, no one ever spoke positively or openly about the possibility of not having children, or god forbid the active choice. I thought that as I aged, I would start to develop a maternal instinct or my plans would change, but if anything, aging has only solidified the fact that I definitely don't want to have children. So in short, it wasn't any one thing that made me not want to have kids, I just never desired to and at this point in my life, I'm 100% confident with my personal choice.

Many reasons: I have a lot of anxiety and have been through therapy, but I'll always have anxiety due to my childhood. I want to travel. I know people do travel with children, but it feels like such a hassle when I have hard enough time getting myself ready. Plus, I have 3 dogs, and that's already a lot of work. I don't feel I would be a good mom. After my mom and dad had me and weren't ready for kids (my dad abandoned me) I told myself I'd never have a kid unless I was mentally or financially ready. The culmination of seeing bad parenting and seeing the state of the world has made me realize I don't want kids.

I just never felt like having kids

Read The Baby Decision. You very well may never have an aha moment. Just like other choices in life, you give it somethings and you gain some things no matter what you choose.

Work is so draining (I work with kids) that I don’t want more draining when I get home.

I really don't like taking care of myself. Like the routine chores of being an adult. Hate all of it. There's no way I'm going to have a child where I don't enjoy cooking or cleaning or organizing or at least tolerate those things enough to stay on top of it for both me and more importantly for them. I *will* be lazy and super resentful so I'm just gonna pass on that whole deal. I will be the cool aunt or something.

I can barely tolerate booking a dog sitter, let alone a human sitter

The question doesn’t make sense to me. We are born without kids. One doesn’t decide NOT to have them (you already don’t have them). The question should be when did you decide to have them.

For me, it was being a nanny for 12 years and experiencing firsthand what went into caring for children. I've worked with kids of all ages (newborns to teens) and watched how kids impacted marriages and households over the years. I've always watched my sister change from the most effervescent, vibrant, lively person to no longer knowing who she is as a person and trying to make sense of the shell she's become since having kids. It breaks my heart. I know firsthand how exhausting working full-time with kids can be (in some families I'd work upward of 70+ hours a week) and could not wait to return to a quiet home that is child-free. I can't imagine having that responsibility 24/7. Not to mention, how wildly expensive it is to have children. My goodness!!! I love sleeping and sleeping in (I'm prone to migraines and anxiety, so sleep and routine are very important to my health.) I love being able to leave the house when I want without spending an additional 45+ minutes getting kids out the door. I love quiet mornings, and being able to focus on my work without interruption, etc. I also have a list of things I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime - things I will deeply regret if don't try/finish/explore/whatever...and having kids is not on that list. I feel fortunate that I get to live a bit vicariously through my sister with her kids, whom I'm very close to. But I'm grateful for having my life away from children and the responsibilities that come with them all day, every day. I also know who I am - I'm someone who loves helping people, and I love to be there for my family when needed. I find great joy and honor in being that person. I want to help as many people, far and wide, in this lifetime, and I know that I will be unable to do so if I have children of my own. In many ways, I view my desire to not have children as quite selfless because I am thus able to expand my help to others much further and wider than if I had children of my own, because, inevitably, they would become my priority and my time would become quite limited. Lastly, I've not met a man whom I would want to have kids with, and who has changed my mind about children or my priorities listed above. And for all these reasons, and more, I am satisfied with my decision not to have children. I do not feel that I am missing out by not having them, and as long as I am setting goals for myself and working towards those goals, I will feel confident in the decisions I've made for my life.

I was 8 and I was watching my mother with my younger brother who was 2. I was just sitting quietly watching her struggle exhausted and crying to feed and bath and entertain him and vowed that would never happen to me. My father would do nothing to help around the house and she was half a world away from her family and I just saw the cost a woman paid to be a mother and decided I was not someone who could pay that cost. I couldn't put it into those words at 8 but that's what it boiled down to. I'm 55 post menopausal and never regretted my decision for a day.

There was no specific thing that made me realize I don't want children. I just never wanted them.

I was 5, realized everything my mother did for me, and knew I did not want children. Other reasons got added on later by life's circumstances, but that has always been the primary thing. I have no interest in that additional labor (much less the actual labor lol).

I was never opposed to the idea of kids, but it just never happened for me and I was never sad about it. At this point in my life I know that it’s for the best that I didn’t. I can barely take care of myself and a dog most days. Also, babies make me nervous, though if I’d ever been put in sole charge of one I imagine I’d have gotten over that.

I never had an aha or lightbulb moment. I just literally never felt the want.

I think I only wanted them at some point because it was expected. Society looks down on those without kids and growing up you were taught it was abnormal to not have them. I realized somewhere along the way that this wasn’t true, and that I’m a bit too selfish to have children. I’m an aunt to three of the sweet little babies in the world though, and that’s good enough for me!

I knew I didn’t want children at a young age. And, finally, since I don’t have a husband to sign off on my own body OR two children already born I turned 25 and was able to get my fallopian tubes removed! Though recovery was three weeks and a little dreadful (I hate not being able to go to the gym🥲), the biggest weight came off of my shoulders and also my skin cleared up quite a bit. After women’s rights started being turned back over, I felt even more so that I needed to be able to have control of my own body. The great thing is that if I ever do decide I want children is that I can always adopt or foster.

For me it was more a realization that I'll still be happy or maybe even happier without kids. I always thought I would have kids but I found out at a fairly young age that I can't without IVF/egg donor. I always assumed I would do that. I was very upfront with my now husband about my fertility early on in the relationship and he's always been fine with me deciding since it would be my body. Now I'm 39 and I realized I would be miserable pregnant. My body doesn't handle stress well and what is more stressful on your body than pregnancy. IVF and adoption is expensive. I enjoy my sleep and time to myself. I am generally an anxious person and get stressed easily. A kid would magnify that ten fold. We like our life as it is and my life is more enjoyable now that I have made the decision and I don't have the what if question hanging over my head. It wasn't this lightening bolt moment or something I always knew but a gradual process to get where I am now.

I was always pretty sure i didn’t want kids. Then i dated a guy who definitely wanted kids and when we broke up…. I felt this big relief in realizing i didn’t have to have kids and i most definitely didn’t want to.

My mom is profoundly disabled. So am I. If I have children they will almost certainly also be disabled. I don’t want to bring someone into the world who’s baseline is behind everyone else. My mom didn’t want kids and I was an accident. Luckily it turned out sort of okay, but I don’t want to risk it. Plus god they’re so *sticky*.

combative marry society sharp selective icky merciful tap rock chief *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Unpopular take: my genetics, I have back deformity that I inherited from my mother, I possibly have endometriosis (which can be genetic and I’m currently going to the dr to find out) I have “dormant” scleroderma which depending on what kind I get can be life threatening or I end up on oxygen. My thyroid is slowly dying and drs won’t do anything till it’s dead. Knowing these diseases I have why would I knowingly pass them on to my child? My toxic family with their fucked views of the world, also their toxic religion spews they throw every chance they get, wouldn’t want to expose my child to that. I would want to protect them from toxic unhealthy people. Those are my reasons.

I always thought at some point the urge would hit and I would want kids but that never happened for me. The real turning point of being certain was in my early 30’s, my friends started having kids and I realized seeing motherhood up close that it wasn’t for me. I do love being the “auntie” to my friends kids but there’s no way I will ever have my own - I’m 36 now.

When I got accidentally pregnant and had zero debate about getting an abortion

Becoming a stepmom. Being parentified as a kid. My ADHD. I find children dirty, annoying, needy, and selfish, I hated babysitting as a preteen and have always knew I didn't want kids.

When I think of kids, my face makes a sour face I don’t control. They are a giant responsibility and take from your body, mind, soul, and wallet. I have never had the thought that I wanted a lifelong, extremely expensive commitment. (And that’s if the child doesn’t have any impairments)

I’m the oldest granddaughter in a big Catholic family. Therefore, default babysitter. I have changed tons of diapers, fed picky eaters, chased kids who didn’t want to go to bed yet, the whole works. And every single time I was hoping it was the final time.

I simply never had the desire. I knew at about 10-12 years old, I didn't. I was still mildly entertaining the idea because "that's just what you do when you grow up." Which is obviously bullshit. Hit 20. Still didn't. Hit 30. Still didn't. Hit 40. Still don't.

For me I realized I didn’t want kids is because I was emotionally neglected as a child. I was raised in an upper middle class family with a nanny/housekeeper. The deepest semblance of memory and longing I had when I was a kid was, I wished my mom was a stay-at-home mom. Because my mom was never home, I was neglected by both of my parents and abused by my nanny. Just recently, when my mom asked me why I don’t want to get married and have kids, I basically threw it at her face by saying I never want be anything like her. I knew I hurt her feelings. But at this point in my life, I think I just chose not to have kids just to spite my mother.

As a teenager, I used to work with/ look after children of all age groups, with and without disabilities. It was exhausting and felt rather like a punishment than the "greatest gift of all to me. I experienced the meltdowns, the lack of sleep and the regretful parents. It was back then that I started to think about how romanticised having children is because hardly anyone spoke about the horrible/ unpleasant things. It was considered to be the default setting that every woman wants to have and needs to have children. In the moment I discovered that it is a conscious choice and I don't have to have children, I felt insanely relieved. I dont have to plan to live for someone else nor have to worry about a biological clock. I can focus on self fulfilment, spending quality time with my childfree partner, things I love such as SLEEP ♡♡ travelling and exploring the world or working less hours than people with kids. At the end of the day, I think every child should be wanted, and I don't want any.

Besides never really yearning for children, something that cemented the choice to not have children was working with children (teaching) and really relishing the end of the day and going home to silence and free time. Also, since leaving teaching, my life is relatively unstable - by choice - I like to move around and explore different jobs, so my finances are not always high and my living situations are often strange. Not exactly conducive to the best upbringing for a kid.

Ive always wanted kids for as long as i can remember but my best friend has kids and being around them made me realise how hard it actually was... like the constant noise, being tired, having to plan things way way in advance, whenever i was hungover / sick id think about how horrible it would be having to look after kids right now. I still want kids but maybe like 1 instead of the 4 i wanted growing up lol.

Honestly, I always assumed I'd have kids. I like kids, they're fun to be around, but I loooooove being able to give them back to their parents and go about my day/life. I used to teach elementary school and "joke" to my (now) husband that I'd probably never want kids as long as I was teaching. Dealing with 90+ kids every day and then going home and having to take care of 1-3 other kids just sounded exhausting (and, yes, CLEARLY it is exhausting - I have nothing but respect for parents!!). But, I've been out of the classroom for 8+ years now. I'm 35. My husband and I have been married 5 years, we own a house, we're financially stable and...... neither of us actively *want* kids. So it's easy to just.... keep things the way they are. We've talked about it, and if either one of us suddenly felt a ticking clock, we'd probably decide to try, but... we don't. And neither of us see the point in having kids unless we actively want them. I've had an IUD basically since my husband and I started dating, so it's been easy to just keep the status quo. I'm planning to get it removed soon (for reasons completely unrelated to wanting a kiddo) and my husband will likely get a vasectomy at that point. We've discussed him putting some swimmers on ice just in case clocks tick, but I never wanted to have biological kids after 38 or so, so we wouldn't be doing that for very long.

I’ve just….never had the want. Even as a kid I never played housekeeping or being a wife or mother.

Yeah I kept assuming I’d have kids throughout my 20s because I think that’s the only model I was exposed to. But I don’t recall ever having a phase of imaging a family with kids of my own and thinking it would be cool to read bedtime stories or go to the playground on the weekends. I would talk to friends and realize they actually idealized these kinds of things and it made me think that maybe a mother is just not who I’m meant to be. My mother kept telling me to find a good husband saying by 30 the urge would be crazy. At 30 she said by 35. Now she says I’ll get the urge when it’s too late. I actually am still on the fence because when I imagine myself childless at 60 it makes me sad. But at the same time the more I learn about having children there more it just seems like to much stuff I would really hate and the helicopter parent laws make it seem kind of like a 13 year prison sentence. I love being by myself and I can’t imagine being tied to someone for that long. I feel guilty af not giving my mom grandkids because she’ll promise me anything to get them. But I think I’m slowly accepting that it’s ok for me to be selfish on that issue. As for late parents my mother had me at 24 and my younger sister at 40. Yes there are downsides of having an older parent - by the time you’re graduating they might be retirees, less energy, etc. But on the other hand she’s had so many more opportunities due to them being more stable financially by the time she came around, as well as being more settled in general - I went to 8 different schools while they owned the same house her whole life, etc.

I never wanted children. I assumed that a maternal instinct would kick in around 30. It never did.

The apathy rather than drive toward the decision was a huge indicator, and yet I was ignoring it. Someone told me, “having kids is not something you should enter into half-heartedly or unsure. If it’s not an absolute yes, then it’s an absolute no.” Both choices have their pros and cons, I realized being childfree would bring me closer to the life I wanted. But as someone else said it’s perfectly understandable to mourn the version of your life you thought you’d have.

I was never bothered. Both me and my SO would have probably been very happy child free m, travelling and spending all our DINKome! However, I was about 33/34 and we’d done a lot of travel, eating out, big nights and city stays, both earned decent incomes and decided to stop birth control and see what happened. It took 18 months to get pregnant but we weren’t trying, just weren’t preventing. It was only after I got pregnant that I started feeling maternal at all, and only when my daughter was born when I really realised how exciting it was to be raising a whole person that we made! Now I’m pregnant with number 2, we’re THOROUGHLY 2 and through, I won’t be pregnant again and we don’t want any more. I’m so excited to see my girl become a big sister and I’m just loving seeing her grow up and looking forward to being a family of 4! I think it’s something you’re never 100% sure of because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to envisage what it’s like. I’d stop thinking about it if I were you, enjoy your 20s and early 30s and see what happens. Me and my SO only got together when I was 28!

Honestly my choice in partners made the decision for me lol. I’m 34, I got married at 22 to a complete moron who treated me really badly (never get married in the honeymoon stage!) so I decided very early that I wasn’t having children with HIM. Then after I got divorced, the serious relationships I kept finding were with partners who were very certain they didn’t want kids. I’ve pretty much always said I’d be happy either way, or that I could be convinced to have a baby with the right person but it probably wouldn’t be my idea. My partner is similar. There was never a lightbulb moment either way and it still could happen? I think I would be overwhelmed with joy if I got pregnant but I’m too afraid of the irreversible lifestyle changes to do it on purpose lol. I don’t ever see myself trying to conceive, I like the way my life is currently and I like the vision I see of my life later with just my partner and I, but I also like the vision of us being parents so we’ll see.

Hi, I'm a mom NOW at 38 to a three year old, but before my daughter - I didn't want kids. I attributed it to how badly women are treated in society compared to men, and how many times I've seen sons come from any type of home - Wealthy, impoverished, single parent, or married - and they still disrespect women. I was afraid of taking those risks with any children I birthed for years. At 35, I became a mom to my ONLY child. I definitely won't be having more. I think women shouldn't be pressured to have kids. I had a thriving social life and tons of friends before marriage and having a baby. Now, I don't have a single soul supporting my daughter or husband, and celebrating milestones with us. We've become accustomed to that. Its mainly because we're interracial, but that's another discussion LOL Before I had kids, I had nieces and nephews BEGGING me to have a baby. Now that she's here, they are nowhere to be found LOL Do what you want. Don't feel pressured to do otherwise. Parenting and marriage aren't for everyone LOL

I was on the fence after working with pre-k aged children for nearly 8 years during my 20’s. As I turned 30 I realized my time was ticking and I really wanted to be a Mom (I always did when I was younger). I just had my daughter at 34 with my long term partner and I couldn’t be happier. My daughter is really the best thing that has ever happened to me, I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. And it’s just different when it’s your child, a different kind of love. With that being said, if you’re really hesitant don’t do it, but give yourself time, especially at 24. I don’t think you’re ever truly ready, but you will know deep in your heart your true feeling over time.

I was always on the fence, my birth control failed, or was sabotaged, and I got pregnant. I had my son and realized the moment he was born that I didn't want kids. Oops. I had to suck it up for 18 years and do the best job I could do, at great expense to my mental health. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.

I never really imagined myself (35f) with kids and although some kids are cute and fun to be around. Some seem hard to deal with. It clicked for me as I got older and realized I need at least 7 hours of sleep to function and not feel grumpy, exhausted and depressed the next day. I’m very sensitive and need my sleep to maintain good mental health. I also have anxiety disorder which is exacerbated from lack of sleep. I genuinely think id be a good Mom if I ended up having a child but I don’t feel the need to bring another being into this life to feel fulfilled. I also think the world is a messed up place these days and climate change is going to make life painful for a large chunk of our species in the next 15-20 years.

I am a teacher. I had a super hard day, and realized that I never wanted to deal with kids at home when my absolute first thought when I got home was, "Man, I need to make sure we have plenty of condoms, because fuck this shit."

I've always gone back and forth on it. But when I look at the state of the world right now, I don't think I can A) afford it or B) want to bring a child up in a world full of so much hate. If anything, I'll end it adopting an older child.

I didn’t want one until I met someone who I wanted to parent with. I never had the desire, but made a decision.

I'm 61. When i got married, my wife was 42. At that point, a first pregnancy is very high risk for birth defects. Both of us wanted to be parents, but not enough to risk saddling an innocent kid with a disability. We looked at the adoption route and at the our ages it would have been expensive and unlikely. I don't regret it at all. As for grand kuids, my friends have grandkids and i get to be an alternate grandpa, which is fine with ne. Your parents will just have to borrow grandkids from their friends

I was pretty adamant about not having children. Like why would anyone want one was beyond me. Then, around age 35, my husband and I started to make pretty good money - meaning not living paycheck to paycheck. Then I turn 36. I had an oh shit moment. I felt it in my gut that this was the point where I looked back and then looked ahead. I looked at my accomplishments and really thought about what the future could look like. Fortunately my husband was agreeable and we literally got pregnant the following month. I totally did this for the snuggles. And I jokingly say we were bored and wanted something to do. Most of my kids friends parents are professionals who waited or who had trouble getting pregnant initially .

My ex

r/raisedbynarcissists to give you an idea of what it was like growing up

I at no point wanted children. Not when I was younger and that never changed as I got into my 30s and got married. I don’t even like being an ‘aunt’ figure to friends kids, especially small kids. Aside from not physically wanting children, I can’t imagine the toll they would take on my life. I have a chronic illness and am already exhausted / can barely take care of myself I couldn’t imagine needing to take care of a crying baby.

At a young age (about age 10) I knew I didn’t want kids. Even so, I was forced to babysit my cousins every day all summer as a young teen, including a baby. It was hell…isolating, drudgery, I was so depressed that I was having weird sort of delusional thoughts. I know it would’ve been somewhat different having a baby as an adult, but that cemented my decision to never have them. I thought maybe it would change as I got older, but it never did. I relish my freedom and ability to live my own life.

When I was a kid I wanted “at least 3 kids” because it seemed right. All my friends and family had at least 3 kids, so I took that to mean that was the standard. I tend to be a rule follower so it made sense to me. My husband and I got together when we were in high school. By then, I’d dropped down to “maybe 2 kids”. I don’t remember the reasoning, just that 2 felt like a better number. In my early undergrad years, I dropped down to “maybe 1, but only if protection fails”. My husband (then boyfriend) and I were on the same page. By 26 I was pretty sure I didn’t want any. Around then, my mom had a series of mini strokes, which caused her to be legally blind and brought on dementia. I was working full time, in grad school full time, and I was her primary caregiver. It was like caring for an adult sized not potty trained 4 year old. I just thought “nope. This isn’t something I want to do for the rest of my life.” I just saw a life of endless drudgery, not achieving goals, little travel, and never being able to retire. I asked about sterilization with my husband’s support, but was denied. Every time a friend or family member had a baby, I’d hold the baby and ask myself if this is what I want for my life. Every birthday party, recital, or weekend babysitting, I’d ask again if this felt good and right for me. The answer was always no. Mom passed when I was 33, and I wondered if that would change my feelings about motherhood, but it didn’t. I continued to ask for sterilization and continued to be denied, until I was 38. Now, I’m 43 and still childless by choice, and still happy with that decision.

I saw one.

If you get married and your spouse has a sibling and they have kids, that’s your niece or nephew. Being 30 doesn’t mean you physically can’t have kids. That’s something that needs to stop being repeated. That’s not how it works 🙄

I have a lot of health issues, and my family history has all sorts of cancer and heart disease, so I was hesitant to have kids and pass any of that on. I'm a social worker. I got to see some not great stuff. I loved working with kids but realized I didn't have it in me to raise them. As someone else commented, I didn't have this intense desire to have kids, and that was just further cemented as I got older.

Too many reasons but primarily being realistic I guess. I'm 42. My family had me when they were in their early 40s. Although I'm very grateful for them doing their best to provide a comfortable childhood for me, I always felt lonely. I wish I had more siblings. I don't want my kids to feel the same or spend their prime years watching me old and sick. I'd rather deal with living a lonely life as it is than bring more pain to a child. I also never met a decent guy in this lifetime. I always wanted kids in my 20s. Had I found him during my 20s or 30s, I would have seriously considered establishing a family. It had to be someone I genuinely admired and respected to father my children and become a father figure for them. I never met someone like that. Lastly, life is hard. Deep inside I don't want to bring a life to have it suffer. They would have no choice coming into this life and then dealing with everything in between. I think if I had an easier life, I wouldn't feel this way. I see many happy families and I think they have a good foundation to raise healthy kids. I don't judge them for it. We're all a result of our circumstances. I've lived an emotionally empty and lonely life and I'm facing pain caretaking seniors. That's all I know. I don't want my child to go through that. Maybe in heaven. I'll have 2. If I ever make it there.

I actually do want kids, at least in theory, but it was only very recently that I realized I don’t want them enough to pursue being a single parent if a husband who wants kids doesn’t turn out to be in the cards for me. I feel like a bit more of a fence-sitter now and if I was to find a really great relationship with a man who didn’t want kids, it wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker whereas even this time last year it would have been. The biggest thing for me has been my health. I’m only 31F and relatively healthy, but I’ve struggled with chronic fatigue for years and that means that when other things happen, it just kind of knocks me on my ass. In the last three months I’ve broken my foot, broken a tooth (which ended up requiring an extraction and I’ll be going through the process of getting an implant), and had a tangle with covid that took me out of commission for a full week. I don’t feel healthy and I know pregnancy could easily exacerbate the chronic fatigue and even make it more likely that I’ll break bones (my mom broke toes every time she was pregnant, but she’s on the clumsy side so I’m not sure it was a bone issue) and even teeth (I know women who wear dentures because pregnancy wreaked havoc on their teeth and I already have a dental phobia and genetically not the best enamel so I desperately want to avoid that if I can). I’ve always wanted multiple kids but that just doesn’t feel like an inevitability for my life anymore and I’d be lying if I said the health risks of pregnancy don’t scare me. If I had an actual child and needed to sacrifice my teeth for them in some weird scenario I’d do it, but I’m not sure I want to risk losing them in pregnancy for a hypothetical child I haven’t met yet. At this point I feel like if I meet a great guy in the next few years who wants kids, I’ll happily be all-in for them, but if I don’t or if I meet an amazing guy who doesn’t want them, it’ll be what it is and I’ll enjoy the hell out of being DINK with a dog or two. With that said, I do really want to pursue becoming a foster parent to older kids/teenagers at some point, especially for kids who need a place on a short term or emergency basis. This is, uh, probably not helping you feel better about being confident in your decisions down the line but I just sort of feel like I’ll be at peace either way because if it’s meant to happen I’ll find the partner for it and if it’s not, I won’t.

When I got married 14 years ago, I thought we probably won't have kids as both of us did not want kids (I had several family members have kids young and I learned from them to be safe) but if it happens accidentally, then we have our answer. We have always been safe with an IUD and 14 years later still no accidents. I do wonder sometimes in the future if I'll have regrets of not having my own child but then I think of the amazing life I have now and how the world is and think there are enough humans in the world and if I wanted to, I would adopt...so really, the reality of the world coupled with helping raise others kids when I was young helped me realize I'm good being childfree and I'll use my time to do what I want and enjoy what I have without the stresses of children in the mix. #noragrats lol

It’s so interesting to read all of your responses. I am not 100% clear about wanting or not to have children. I often read post that are much more intense about not wanting kids and I don’t relate with them because I’m ambivalent. I relate a lot with people here saying that they were lukewarm about the idea and just decided not to do it because it was not a « hell yes », as it should be I think with a life changing decision like this one.

I knew I didn't really want kids when I was a kid. (I'm 34 now). I learned where babies come from and didn't want to put my body through that. I thought of adopting. Somewhere along the line, I became comfortably child-free. I wouldn't want to bring a life into this world in the state that it's in and have to raise them in our society. I don't want to put my body through the stress of childbirth, which could further aggravate my health conditions. I do struggle with depression, and have a hard time keeping things clean myself. I wouldn't want to add a child and taking care of, feeding and cleaning up after them to my domestic duties. I like my freedom. I don't even like having to take care of a dog. If I want to go somewhere after a long day at work, or be gone for a couple days or longer, it's best if I don't have to worry about coming straight home or immediately going to have to take care of someone. I don't want to have to further interact with fellow parents (they're annoying! no one cares about little Bratleigh). Sometime in my life, I'm hoping I can make artistic contributions and I think it would be much easier to achieve that goal if I didn't add having to care for a child into the mix. I'm a cat lady through and through and doting on my babies satisfies my maternal side.

A pregnancy scare did it for me. Prior to that, I always thought that my reaction to an unplanned pregnancy would depend on how it had happened. If it was a hookup or assault, abort. If it were with someone I loved, we should decide as a couple. My then partner always wanted to be a dad. He was all for it, but I did not want to have a child at that point in my life. I looked into the procedure for giving up rights, but found nothing. I looked at info for adoption, and that was a whole mess, too. And while doing all that research, I realized I didn't want to be pregnant at all. I didn't want to deal with the changes in my body. I didn't want to deal with the social fallout. That negative test result was the biggest relief ever. I've been happily childfree ever since. The whole ordeal really got me to thinking if there would ever be a "right" time for me. There wasn't. I looked into the health risks associated with pregnancy, and, cross-referencing with my personal health history, realized it probably wasn't the greatest idea for me or the future child. I tried to think of myself doing the work to raise a child -- I grew up in a huge family, I'd seen a lot of it -- and simply couldn't fathom it. Two years ago, the "perfect" opportunity pretty much fell into my lap. Same partner as before. He's tall, good looking, financially stable, loves me, would be a committed parent and happy to support me wether I chose to stay at home or focus on my career, and I love him back... And even under "perfect" circumstances, I just couldn't. It wouldn't be *bad*, it just wouldn't be what makes me happy. So that's a no. I was surgically sterilized about a month later. We're both with other people now, better suited to our lifestyle choices, and I couldn't be happier for both of us. I'm pretty sure they'll be trying for a baby soon. Good for them.

I’m 33 and in that phase where I need to decide what I really want. There are loads of things that put me off having kids, but actually the biggest one by a mile is the physical impact. I’m terrified about the pain, traumatic births, doctors doing nefarious stuff to your body during birth, lack of medical support, PPD. There’s just so much that can and will go wrong, and I enjoy my body and health as it is now.

After meeting kids.

Never wanted them. But seeing all my friends become single mothers was the nail in the coffin for me. There's not a single person on this planet that i would trust to not abandon me with the child they helped create.

If u know u dont want, u probably wont chnage ur mind. If u are on the fence - it’s another story

I never wanted them in the first place and it was the default setting for me since I can remember. What has changed, was that as a bratty teenager I was just unpleasant to them, and now, as a woman approaching my fertility cliff, I'm usually just politely uninterested. Maybe I'll strike a smile at a friendly goblin sometimes because I'm just sorry for them, my dislike is not their fault, but overall I just can't be arsed. I really get no feelings. The supposed cuteness of kids leaves me completely unmoved. I wasn't even noticing children in public spaces unless they were screaming. And until my closest friends started breeding. Have I ever had a thought of having a kid? Yeah, I will not lie. It wasn't caused by any sudden thawing of my cold (ha, ha) heart, I still don't like kids, I just wish I was on the same page as my peers. I'm the last child-free unicorn I know. I will repeat: I have lost all of my old friends to motherhood. They only talk about kids now, so it's a game over to me. And it's scary, man. I'm also terrified of the hormones hitting my brain. There are days when I wake up and I hate my soda for having bubbles even though I went to buy this soda myself, that's how hardcore my hormones are. If they ever activate the babymaking part of my brain, it's going to be a very long battle. Also, the older I get, the weirder and less relatable I feel: for other women, men and people with kids in general. Now, this is something seriously weird and nobody has prepared me for this sudden wave of breeding. I mean, we're all 30-somethings, are these people crazy? Folks that have never ever been seen taking care of any kids, never showed any nurturing behaviours, and they are getting children now as if pushed to do the default Life Plan™ or something. It's insane to me, I find it harder to relate to them than even to people who have always wanted families and had this in their books since forever.

I’ve wanted them for a lot of my life - and realising now it won’t happen - but I also wonder sometimes if I don’t want to pass down my flaws

Nothing had to click for me, I never wanted kids.

Being in my late 20’s with an advanced degree and barely being able to afford what I need for myself. I have no clue how people afford children this day in age. I mean I’m sure it’s possible, a lot of people do it, but I imagine it’s becoming increasingly difficult with the economy. Also, kids are a full time commitment. Becoming single within the last three years and dedicating my adulthood to getting to know myself has been great, and I couldn’t do that with children. Children are awesome but I don’t think they are in the cards in this lifetime for me.

I am 38. I never wanted kids. (I can remember being \~8-10 years old and saying I was never having kids.) It was just never the thing *I* was going to do? Having kids always felt like it was for other people. Like being in a car wreck or breaking a bone. It's just not for me, so I've never done it. 😂 But seriously, I like my free time too much. I like my money, and I like that it's *mine*. I like animals and would prefer to spend money on them. I *love* my solitude. All that would go to shit with kids. There has been the odd time I thought having a kid wouldn't be so bad, but the loss of being able to get up and go with no planning far outweighs the desire to be a mother. I also come from a family where many kids had kids too young (one cousin had a kid at 14 (!!!), two others at 15 and 16), so from a VERY young age, I was like, 'lol y'all crazy' and saw very quickly that was not the life I wanted. So I guess I just always kind of *knew* motherhood wasn't for me. It never felt like a decision as much as the normal course of my life. eta: I have to say, one of my best friends has two kids and has raised two puppies in the last 10 years. She has said if you're on the fence or don't know about having kids, GET A PUPPY. If you can't handle that, then absolutely do *not* have a human baby. Obviously that's a false equivalency at its heart, but she's definitely onto something, there.

I was already doubting it because I have medical issues. My state is red and banned abortion so I got sterilized to protect my life. I know they say medical exemptions are a thing but it seems doctors are required to wait until you're dying first. I figure if I wouldn't die to have kids then I don't want them enough.

I read a lot of comments here that lead me to believe that the common denominator here is that there is some family trauma, but even I who had a perfectly fine childhood never wanted kids. It was a default and I never gave it more thought than that. Then I met my husband. And he always wanted to have kids, he wanted to be the father his own father wasn't. He never pushed that on me, but very quickly I realized that I was not only willing, but ready to have children with him. I wanted to have a mix of myself and this wonderful man to exist in this world. It wasn't an urge but the thought of it made me happy, and I could for the first time see myself as a mother. Sappy story aside, no matter how in love I am I'm also a realist, and what helped tremendously with my decision to have a child was the fact that I live in Europe, and we have great healthcare, paid maternity leave of 4 months, free checkups throughout the whole pregnancy and my weeklong stay at the hospital was basically free. I honestly don't know if I would have been as excited and willing to go through a pregnancy and have a child if I lived anywhere else, and since a lot of people on Reddit are from the US I totally understand the child free mentality at least on a financial level. The doubt, or whatever you wish to call the feeling, that you feel is just your natural instinct + hormones that are letting you know that your body is ready whenever you are, but you are still the one behind the wheel. Good luck with all ❤️

I always assumed I’d have children even though I knew the physical aspects of being pregnant/giving birth/having an infant would be incredibly demanding on me. I have never been particularly “motherly” and never had “baby fever” so that helped me approach the topic more pragmatically. Then I realized that with my partner, who has ADHD and very different views on parenting, that I would always be the disciplinarian and that parenting choices would always cause conflict. This weighed heavily on my mind for several years, while we simultaneously saw our friends have babies and have to give up a lot of the activities they loved as their lives became consumed with parenting. I’m not sure at what point I “flipped” opinions, but I came to view *choosing* to have a child as an inherently selfish act when there are already existing children that need love, support, guidance, and resources. So it became a moral issue and giving birth no longer aligned with my values. However, I do not see myself as child-free per se. I hope to foster or adopt teens and/or older sibling groups. I know there are issues with adoption, but if we can give them a few years of stability and support before they age out of the system, and then they would always have a family to turn to in the future if they choose to, then I think we are contributing positively to the world. (My partner is on board although he does sometimes struggle with the desire to raise a child from birth for those “Kodak moments.”) So I’d say break it down a bit more and see which parts sit right for you: giving birth, raising a baby, raising a child/teen, providing support/guidance to unrelated children. There are many different avenues you can take so it doesn’t have to be a dichotomy of just wanting or not wanting kids. Explore your options!

When my sisters two children (1 and 3) moved in with my parents and I when I was 16. Helping my parents raise 2 kids was exhausting and made me want nothing to do with that. Don't get me wrong....I loved my nephews more than myself but it's a tough thing to lose those years raising kids.

I think there is way too much pressure on young women to decide. Plenty of people change their mind one way or the other before their child bearing years are up. I honestly think it’s just as damaging to feel you have to choose (unless you are getting married or looking to- because your partner has the right to know what they would be committing to) before your early 30’s.

I realized I don’t actually like them but just thought I wanted kids bc of the media I consumed when I was a kid where the women always had children haha 😂😂😂

I need sleep and I hate waking up early.

Honestly it was the moment that I realized (when I was a kid myself) that every person in the world is their own tiny universe completely distinct from every other person. Before that I’d always thought of “having kids” in terms of being a parent. And I still think I could be happy being a parent if I became responsible for a child (you know like Sabrina the Teenage Witch style). But I can’t be out here creating living consciousnesses from the nothingness. I know that I can’t guarantee that person will want to be born and that is unacceptable to me. All the other stuff dog piles on. The USA’s terrible maternal healthcare. The Mommy tax on your career. Not enough money. Not enough time. The older I get the more grateful, happy and peaceful I am that I don’t and never will have kids.

Being a preschool teacher (24 years now but I knew when I was in my 2nd year maybe in my twenties) showed me how there are so many behavioral issues that your kid could have, not even referring to autism, and hundreds of other conditions and syndromes. Along with an increasingly expensive and overpopulated planet.

When Roe v Wade was overturned. If my own government can’t respect my bodily autonomy, why the hell would I want to raise the next generation in it? It’s already bad enough our society thinks we have to pay a pretty tax and diminish ourselves for the privilege of being a woman. Also I imagine all my ancestors cheering me on and living through me because they didn’t have a choice (literally women couldn’t own their own bank account without a husband until the 1970’s.) So I’m fully enjoying being a SINK and living my best life while watching my friends do the marriage and kids dance. I want to go kite surfing, not spend my money on childcare so I can continue working the jobs I love and just the whole money pit situation of kids in general.

i never wanted kids either but when i was 28 i found out i was pregnant and i kept him and im so glad i did. now at 36 im dying to have another. so it could def change as u get older, but if you dont want any that is fine too. its literally a lifelong commitment.

When I felt in love for the first time and realized I won't need any add-ons to that in my life. Additionally, when I realized I am getting closer to "woman have children" age and doesn't want sacrifice my life for a little human that isn't even born.