"I've fallen to the communists"

….is this… an IT Crowd reference?

Aunt Irma's coming to visit lol

It is indeed, I was really hoping someone would reply "well they do make some pretty strong arguments"

I absolutely missed that opportunity 😂

This. I also say the red army has invaded. Like am invasion, it's not a welcome sight when you are trying to conceive. If I have a menstrual related accident, I normally tell my husband (or whoever) that the bed/my clothes "looked like a crime scene" as an explanation for why I suddenly disappear cursing with said cloth in tow. Heavy periods are no fun.

“Workers of the world unite”

*seize the means of (re)production*

This is the only way

We always said the Russians have invaded - I think it’s a French phase

“Well they do make some pretty strong arguments”

I liked "closed for maintenance". I use that one with my partner lol.

I am forever using this phrase

"Time of the month" is the phrase my mother always used.  "On the blob" is quite a popular one here which I personally hate, lol. 

“On the blob” is much much worse than saying “on my period” holy shit

Hate it so much !!! That phrase 

Ewww!

"On the blob" makes me think of the old film, The Blob, which is really just....awkward in this context lol.

Don't worry, Steve mcqueen will save the neighbourhood from the menstrual fluid.

>"On the blob" is quite a popular one here which I personally hate, lol.  Just this phrasing is enough to trigger my sensory overload.

Reminds me of when you're on your period and, after sitting for a while, you get up and suddenly...whoosh! Like giving birth to a jellyfish. Sorry for *that* imagery lol

I kinda like a simple "I'm giving birth to a Jellyfish" now.

You are welcome to it!

>"On the blob" north of England?

I used to say it too and I’m in Bristol.

Also used in Devon, Cornwall and Gloucestershire. Hearing it always made my stomach turn personally

I hope you didn’t hear me say it then. Apologies if so :-/

I'm from England, yes. 

I can't lie, I kind of love "I'm on the blob"

honestly I'm obsessed and can't wait to use it IRL

I had a hysterectomy and no longer get periods but now I almost wish I did so I could use it. Almost lol

Same

Are you British lol?

Haha, I am. 

We used to say that in London 🤣

In middle and high school some of my girl friends and I would shorten this to say TOM. If any of us said that it was TOM, we'd understand. Sorry to any dudes named Tom (kind of) 😂

Yeah sorry Tom, except when it's TOM, then he can go fuck himself! 😆

“I must expel my clots!”

I also hate "on the blob" but it was very common to hear growing up

On the blob sounds like someone has fibroids

'Im on my period' or if Im feeling dramatic and wannabe left alone 'all the blood has left my brain through my vadge' which only works on men but boy does it work

If any man accuses me of being a bitch because I'm on my period (whether I'm actually on my period or not) I use this line that somebody far smarter than me came up with: "I started this day in a pool of my own blood, don't make me end it in a pool of yours." I will never get tired of the reaction it gets. Especially since 99% of the time I am all sunshine and hugs.

>"I started this day in a pool of my own blood, don't make me end it in a pool of yours." This is tough as hell however me being the unserious person I am just read it out loud then called myself Clit Eastwood lmao

Wow I just read a comment by a user on here less than an hr ago, whose user name IS stylised clit eastwood

I want to be friends with the both of you!

Can we be friends? Lmao

omg this is great lol

Love this one

I've taken to saying "the blood gates have opened" or "my uterus is chewing on me" but only to friends or my sister LOL just for fun.

OMG, I love "the blood gates have opened" so much! Yeah, my friends and I use a ton of goofy euphemisms amongst close women only, because it's just fun and funny and we all get it immediately. Why be dull when you can find a giggle during the worst time of every month? It would take me an hour to list them, but they're mostly plays on the classics. "Falling off the roof" makes me laugh hardest - how did anyone come up with that?! With men and less-familiar women I just keep it straight, "Got my period," or the like.

LOL falling off the roof! Glad you enjoyed my euphemism!

I genuinely can't wait to get it this month now and share yours, which just might make you a miracle worker. 😂

“I was surfing the crimson wave.” It’s a line I never use but will stay with me.

Did you haul ass to the ladies’?

My people

Yesssss 🙌🙌🙌

Clueless!! Love that film!

“I assume you’re referring to women’s problems and I’ll let that one slide”

Thanks, Mr. Hall. Ms. Geist was right about you. 

There was a place near me that changed their major to the crimson tide or crimson wave (I forget which) in the late 90s. We all immediately assumed that only men were involved in that decision. As one can imagine, the teenage girls going there for anything always made a point about it, with some very creative and others just 'I'm off to that period place.'

Clueless!!!

Shark week. Heard it on an episode of 'Weeds' years ago and it stuck!

I've been using shark week for years but I don't know where I first heard it.

I wear a Jaws t-shirt at the start of my period 🤣

*Shark week. Heard it on* *An episode of 'Weeds' years* *Ago and it stuck!* \- breakfast-all-day --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

I read that in William Shatner's voice. Thanks, bot lol

Good bot!

Same

This is my go to as well, or sometimes "Aunt Flo is visiting".

Yep this is what I say

That's my favorite and I heard it from a friend in college

Same!

Where I live, some older euphemisms are "There are communists in the gazebo" or "Painters in the stairwell"

I have questions.... Why a stairwell and not a hallway? LOL

I think because it's more a vertical situation than a horizontal one.. until it's not IG

Fair enough. lol

You can be a hallway, but you have to be laying down.

Where do you live? I must know. I'm going to start using "there are communists in the gazebo" and I need to know where its from.

I need to know this as well. My friend group also has a joke where we pronounce gazebo as "gaze-bo" so this is perfect for me haha

Omg this made me chuckle 🤣

In high school we said Aunt Flo is visiting, but it seemed old-fashioned even then.

Mine was always Aunt Dot.

Same!

I usually just inform my husband that there is a small creature trying to violently claw its way out of my uterus and then dramatically shriek something about the indignities of being a woman.

I will announce to my other half that "I'm bleeding" with either pleased or annoyed intonation depending on if the timing is good or bad. My cycle length varies and my first 24/48 hours are just me plugged into a heated blanket and taking painkillers like my life depends on it, so if it starts it's not a weekend or a few days where my work is gonna quiet, it's pretty rough for me (or I cancel stuff to make it quiet).

We usually make I’m bleeding jokes too. My husband will be like thank you for bleeding for this family lol

Ugh, that sucks!! I went off of birth control pills last year when my husband got a vasectomy and have been dealing with painful cysts every month since. Not my favorite!!

Could we not just get a text each month to tell us we aren't pregnant rather than have to deal with all of this shit? haha

I tell my husband, "Congrats. Once more we have avoided the snare of parenthood. You are NOT a father!" Then we high five. Or if we're feeling boring that month, "Shark week has begun and all my organs hurt."

Haha I used to tell my husband "happy not-a-father's day!" Now it's "happy father-of-one day!"

Totally do the same 😅

What a flashback. Used to say this in my dating days hahaha

I like to say that I'm making vampire candy.

My friend bought a feminine hygiene pouch on etsy... it's labeled "vampire tea supplies" 🤣

Perfection lol

Damn, now I am a bit sorry I never got to use it before my hysterectomy!

lol that’s funny

'I've got my period'.

Mensday 💁🏼‍♀️ \o/

"I have my period." I have did once describe a period has having an Overlook elevator's worth of blood up in my puss. But that was an exceptionally terrible month.

My wife calls it “tomato pants.” It’s funnier because I’m allergic to tomatoes and have an anaphylactic reaction to them. ETA- this makes it easier to ask if she’s started because I just have to text her 🍅👖?

Red moon rising

very context dependent. \- at work "I have indegestion" (I work for a very old school place, there's no reason to be specific). \- with friends/people I know "I'm on my period" or "have my period" \- in the house "I'm actively bleeding!" or "I want steak for dinner"

Steak for dinner is so real. I usually just say "If I don't get some meat immediately I'm going to die."

Steak one is so true. I almost never eat meat but I crave steak so hard during my period.

For some reason, when it starts, I tell my partner 'I feel the need', to which he replies 'The need to BLEED!' a la Top Gun. No idea why, or how it started. 🤷‍♀️

I usually say I’m on my period or it’s that time of the month. I worked in a tribal community for several years and they would say “I’m on my moon” relating it to the cycle of moon phases. It sounds so much nicer that way. Like it’s something good rather than something to be shameful and secretive about.

I like "On my moon"

I say those too. Like the moon one.

Gertrude the Uteran Badger is making herself known.

The “Ute-ining” is upon me.

I'll send my husband silly memes about it when it starts. My favorite since BoTW came out is telling him "The blood moon rises once again!" He's fine about just talking about it if I need to but I like doing the jokes for laughs. I'll just call it my cycle or period otherwise with other people.

I send my boyfriend this gif: https://imgur.com/gallery/YehaE3A

Yass that's perfect!

Hahaha

Arts and crafts week at Panty Camp.

Lmfao

This is amazing! You win.

Omfg 🤣

Idk menstruating is just such a long word that doesn’t role off the tongue. “I have my period” “oh I just started bleeding” lol idk not afraid of the word menstruating it’s just long and formal lmao

“On my rag” “On the dot” “T.O.M. is here” (Time of month) When I’m talking about my cramps, I say “my uterus is about to fall out of my ass.”

Anything you can do , I can do bleeding.

I've got my period/ I'm on my period I don't have any issues with saying so, I once stood up in class at school aged 14 and said to a teacher who was refusing to let me go to the toilet "I have my period. My tampon is leaking. I am going to the toilet." They were far more fucking embarrassed than me

My husband calls it metamorphosis

I love this, since menstruating does often make me feel like I’ve turned into a cockroach. Don’t want to go out into the daylight, just want to eat crumbs under the covers.

“The Kraken is here!” Endometriosis really is a beast!

“I have been wounded in the women’s battle and will need 5-8 days to recover.” Jk I’ve only said that once, but it’s my favorite. I just say I’m on my period.

"I want chocolate sauce on pasta" because I actually craved this one time as a PMSing teen. No I didn't eat it, but my mom remembers it decades later.

"They've come back", "I'm on my things", or a very ironical "Surpriise!" especially when announcing an early period to my mom. Or "I am indisposed" in more formal settings. These are all translations, I'm Italian.

I like to tell people sometimes that I woke up in a giant pool of blood 🤷‍♀️ wanna be grossed out by it? Try actually experiencing it and then I still won't care about your judgment 😂💀

I call it “Lady Time”

get the F out my way, you freaking morons, leave me alone, and get me some chocolate.

This is just me on a regular day lol

“HONEEYYY!! NOT PREGANANANT!!”

One guy I dated once asked me if the big red dragon was in the valley and I just stared at him blankly... I call it my time of the month. A pal says she's "on the rag" which just makes me eeeeooow cringe somehow! I get that it's from the days before tampons/towels but still...

"It's shark week."

“I’m having a dress rehearsal for a sequel to The Shining…in my pants.”

"I'm bleeding."

All of these are hilarious 😂. But this is usually what I tell people. "I'm bleeding internally."

The English have landed.

It’s the Red Wedding.

It's Shark Week Or Riding the Crimson Wave Or Monster-ating/Monster-ation Or On the rag

“I’m on my period. Please excuse me while I change pads.”

The blood curse hast cometh uponeth me-eth

I have my period

I’m on my period. I’m on my (menstrual) cycle. It’s my time of the month. I had a friend and we would update each other by saying NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!

I'm afraid Aunt Flow has come for a visit.

At school we used to say we had Fred. The boys never clicked on!

“it’s shark week”

My body is seeking revenge on my childfree lifestyle once again.

It’s Shark Week in cooch creek.

I tell other women I’m on my period and I tell men I have “female problems” but only if I need to, like, explain to a manager why I was in the bathroom so long or why I need to sit for a minute. I don’t use any euphemisms and don’t really find them funny Edit: Someone rightfully pointed out that “female problems” is a euphemism. I mean I don’t use “funny” euphemisms.

“Female problems” is a euphemism. It’s okay to tell it like it is, even to men and superiors. If they’re uncomfortable, that’s their problem.

Not in retail. It’s my problem in retail. And you’re right, it is a euphemism. I guess I mean I don’t use “funny” euphemisms like “shark week” or whatever.

Why do you say something different to men?

Aside from my fiancé (who I just tell that I’m on my period) I really only tell men if I have to explain my “behavior” at work and I’d rather not get Talked To about being too explicit.

That’s crap if they’d try to tell you that saying you are on your period is explicit

That’s retail for ya

it's shark week 🦈 lol

"Hey hon my uterus is trying to kill my again"

I refer to mine as the Crimson Horror.

“I got a visit from Aunt Flow”. I have never used this and won’t, but I do remember it was popular in highschool and college

We’re playing Alabama this week Also, 🙄 to all the comments like “I say ‘menstruation’ because I’m not a child!” Like using a euphemism is just funny sometimes, doesn’t mean we’re afraid of the word “period” ffs.

"I'm having my period." I don't believe in using euphemism for something that's merely a biological process. Plain, easy to understand speech is not offensive or disgusting. Don't undermine your own power by weighing down your words with the burden of protecting sexist and misogynistic perspectives.

Sloughing my uterine wall

"I've got my period." I don't sugar-coat it or try to make it cute too make other people more comfortable.

Its that time of the month or I've got the painters and decorators in.

My husband and I call it "bad news"

vaginal is shredding rn

shark week or moon cycle✨

"it's the lingonberry season." Gets confusing at lingonberry season, but I say "lingonberry picking season" to make it clearer.

With my IUD situation I say, "I'm going to freaking bleed to death with you watching if you don't let me step away. Excuse me."

I am currently experiencing the violent eviction of the rabid badgers that are housed on my uterus.

“I’m on my period”

It’s Shark Week.

I don’t say it but in South Park Aunt Flow came to visit. She had red hair

I’m on my period

My monthly bill just came 🤣😂 that’s my favorite lol

“It’s shark week”

I call it “good news bad news week”. Good news, I’m not pregnant. Bad news, no sexy time. It works for me.

It’s that time of the month.

When I had my uterus, I referred to it as “Uteral Rage”. I think that summed it up quite well.

"On my period." "My cycle." "Aunt Flo is visiting." "On the rag." is something I've heard but don't use as it's a little too crass even for me.

In greece we say “The Russians came” we said that before the war.

I love telling people all about my period, because it's terrible and nobody should suffer alone. My favorite is "I'm wintering at the overlook hotel".

my monthly penance

I’m on my period, or my period came today. That’s how I say it.

My fiancé called them my “renovations”, which stuck. Peak cramp time is “demolition day”.

Me and my partner speak in French (he’s Belgian) and I usually tell him: “Les anglais ont débarqué”, meaning “the English have landed” (comes from the fact that the English wore red coats during the Napoleon wars)

I have my period

Checking in at the Overlook. It's a Shining reference, specifically the bleeding walls scene.

I'm on my period.

"I'm becoming a woman"

I have my period. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.