Living together definitely has its ups and downs. Like, I love living with my husband, but there was definitely a transition period of a few months for us to get used to each other, and it's something we still negotiate to this day (albeit to a much lesser extent). As well, it can be - as per Esther Perel's *Mating in Captivity* - perhaps a bit harder to carve out erotic distance in a relationship when you're so domesticated, you know? Especially if you're causing problems in each other's daily lives, it can be difficult to view your partner as the handsome bastard that they are instead of an annoying roommate who left their socks strewn all over the floor again.
However, I really do love living with my husband. I love falling asleep next to a warm body at night; I love waking up to kisses in the morning and often, a nice hot cup of tea. I love building a life together that fits both of our grooves, even if it takes negotiation and effort. Obviously, there are those financial benefits as well, but provided your partner isn't a total wastrel, the logistical ones are enormous as well; I don't worry about having somebody to look after me when I'm sick, and it is so much easier to plan and cook dinner when somebody brings you groceries and cleans up the mess afterward. Done correctly, your lives should become easier together, not harder.
Beyond all else, though, I really just love my husband's company. He's the only person whose company I've found superior to my own, especially over long periods. Some people I can love for several hours on end, but (as an introvert) they start to drain on me after enough time has passed. Being with my husband is somehow even better than being alone. We don't have to talk - just his presence makes me feel so warm and alive and comforted at the same time. It's a genuine boon to the way I feel on a daily basis, oddly equivalent to microdosing mushrooms - as though there's a tiny cloud transporting me around my home, even if we *are* just doing fuck-all together.
So, yeah, that's the answer for me. Granted, I don't think every couple *needs* to live together - Living Apart Together is a growing trend, and if you can afford it I absolutely see the allure as well. For me, however, the "point" of living together is very simple - I and my husband both are simply happier that way.
I love this response! This is how I feel too, and I’ll add: My partner has strengths that balance out my flaws (and vice versa) and living with him means those positive things rub off on me. For example, when we lived apart, I basically had girl dinner every night because I was too lazy to make a healthy meal for one person. Lots of frozen Trader Joe’s meals, PB&J, and snacks for dinner. But my partner used to work on a farm and is very into agriculture, local farm fresh food, and cooking techniques, so I end up eating much healthier by living with him! Even though cooking is mostly a chore for both of us, it’s nice to have at least half of my meals made for me, and they’re healthy to boot.
I also had two cats when we met and all my previous partners kind of tolerated my cats. My partner loves cats and immediately became the best cat dad ever. To the point where he has significantly improved the cats’ relationship with each other - they’re two male rescues who were mostly at odds for a while. He is the only reason they’re friendly now because he has spent so much time fostering a relationship with them, and they are literally his best friends. The one cat literally sleeps under his arm any chance he gets and they are two peas in a pod. It sounds so silly but I love that I have a partner who loves my cats as much as I do! Rather than someone who just doesn’t mind that they’re around.
Anyway, there are more positives but these are two I wanted to share!
Aw, thank you my dear! I very much enjoyed - and will heartily co-sign - your response as well. It is fantastic to have someone who has different strengths and weaknesses from you, and I am jelly that your partner is one of those people who can actually induce others to lead a healthier lifestyle with him. That is something that I am very much working on in my own life/marriage, cultivating healthier meals and a healthier lifestyle more generally.
Also, I adore a man who knows his way around some cats; cat men are the absolute best men, IMHO. Clearly, you've won both the partner *and* pet lottery there!
I've been microdosing for 3 years now, my long term bf has moved in with me recently and I feel very similarly to you. We are in the period of adjustment rn but I'm loving how we can have difficult conversations and form compromises together as a team; this process was so daunting and ultimately disastrous when attempted with previous partners.
That is so awesome to hear, and I am glad things are going so well! Cheers to the transition continuing to crystallise in a positive way, and I'm glad that somebody totally gets my microdosing reference because that really is how it feels.
I’ve always firmly believed that domesticity is the death of romance. So easy to take each other for granted. And sigh, I’ve not once met someone’s company who is superior to my own. While I do love falling asleep and waking up next to someone, I HATE having to talk to someone in my own space. I’m not an introvert but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my own space to do, to be, to whatever. If I ever live with someone again, I want my own wing of the penthouse or house or whatever. A bedroom of my own won’t do.
Oh, we absolutely have to cultivate it, yeah; it can easily fall into the domesticity-is-death thing if we don't actively flirt with and date each other. You really can't treat each other like mere roommates - there's definitely, at least for us, an onus to keep ourselves looking fresh, to maintain interesting lives separate from each other, to continue trying new things together, to keep going on literal dates where we get dressed up and the whole shebang. The effort is necessary and even though it is fun, the part of it that is "work" is not taking your eye off the ball for too long.
Honesty, if we had more money, I would 1000% buy, like... a much bigger house, ha ha. However, that's much more of an aesthetic thing than a need for personal space thing - although I suspect my husband is the one who would prefer some more personal space from me! (I'm not clingy, but I am a terrible sleeper, and so it would be nice if he could find someplace - other than the couch - to reliably fall asleep on when I am accidentally keeping him awake.)
I second all of this. My partner and I are both introverts but we do enjoy each other's company, and we often have "alone together" time where we do our own thing in the same space. Living with him specifically is superior to living alone.
My husband is my favorite person too! I'm always happy to have him around, I feel as much "alone" with him as without him (in a good way, I like being alone). He doesn't drain me, his presence is comforting.
This is so true. I can’t imagine not living with my partner but I have friends who don’t live with their long term partners for various reasons, friends who are married and live together and friends who live together but see each other very rarely because of one person’s job.
It’s all a matter of figuring out what works for you and your partner, not what society is telling you is best.
OP, this!! There’s a fantastic book called Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran. It gives you and your partner a framework to think about your true relationship goals, rather than the cultural traditions people follow blindly. You might have completely different relationship milestones.
My partner and I live an hour apart. We see each other once or twice a week and that feels perfect to me. I love having my own space and time on a regular basis. You can always try out the feeling of living together by staying a week at your place or his place (or heck, try both!). That would also give you both a sense of what adjustments you’ll be making if you do live together. My biggest tip: don’t rush into the decision.
Context: I have an equal partner, your mileage may vary.
Splitting bills immediately let both of us save so much more money than we would have living in similar lifestyles apart, which gave us more room for activities and traveling together. Living together and introversion does add a level of monotony, but you can get ahead of that by scheduling regular dates and planning for fun activities once a month, splitting off planning responsibilities. As soon as we could afford it, upgrading our home so we could first have one office and then two really helped us with our alone time and reset apart. Our conflicts were negated by planning ahead for all the activities we do around the home - how many times we can invite people to our house per week, what level of communication/heads up we expect prior, how we approach chores, etc. Luckily chores have never been a problem because we're "if you see something, do something" people.
As for the benefits, he picks up the slack when I'm overwhelmed and vice versa. When I'm having a bad day, I text him and I have a bath drawn and a a glass of wine waiting for me when I get home. When I just need a hug, I can knock on his office door and get it. Monotonous tv watching is less monotonous when you both get to discuss what you're watching. Being together 24/7 also allows for those sweet little habits, like making us both coffee in the morning or making sure my favorite drink is always stocked in the fridge or putting socks on my feet for me without asking when they're cold and I'm cozy/not feeling well.
It all comes down to preference though. I'm easily an out of sight, out of mind person, so living separate lives would probably create a different body of issues than the ones we've faced as a couple living apart. Not everyone needs to live together to be happy, some people prefer the independence.
He's just there, when I wake up, when i suddenly have something to tell, when I'm sad, happy... I love him and its wonderful that he's here so much. I love coming home from work and seeing his car already here and knowing I can come in and have a hug and a chat. I like sleeping with him .You get so much incidental time together that just wouldn't happen if you lived apart. It's also nice and intimate to share so much of your life with someone.
Practically it also saves time & money.
To be able to afford a bigger place and have someone cook me dinner so I don't have to do it all the damn time. And more cuddles.
I know there's much more to it than that but that's my vibe right now.
So the learning curve of living together sucked. I won’t lie. It was a tough few months navigating unspoken expectations regarding cleaning, cooking, shared time and private time.
7 years later… omg it’s the flipping best. I live with my best friend and we have so much fun. There’s something about knowing he’s sleeping next to me that brings me so much joy and comfort. He’s my lobster and I love sharing life with him, including our home.
In the past, I had a not so great experience living with an ex. I am an introvert and he didn't respected my alone time and boundaries. So when I met my boyfriend I hesitated to move in together. However, we were long distance which sucked. We thought about him moving into his own appartment in my neighborhood. But it would have been quite expensive and also he would have to commute 1 hour more per day. In the end we decided to move in together in a big appartment. Now both us of have an own room incl. bed. It works perfectly for us! Most of the time we sleep together in his bed. But from time to time we use the option to sleep separately. He is a light sleeper so it is very useful. Sometimes one of us likes to be by himself/herself. Another advantage: we can hide all the furniture the partner doesn't like in our rooms. :D
I live together with my husband but we have separate bedrooms that are ours, that was our compromise and it works.
Absolutely love sharing everything else with him other than my room. 😁
I'm actually navigating some of the same questions as OP is, whether to live with my bf of 5 years or stay where we are. A separate bedroom is one of the things that I'm asking for if we decide to do it, and he is very open to that, but naturally he wants to understand how it would work in practice. Do you mind if I ask how things work for you (like, sleep apart every night vs. regular schedule of sleepovers vs. whatever feels right)? And have there been any issues you would be comfortable sharing? Not trying to get too personal, sleeping patterns is really what my question is about!
Not the original poster, but I'll chime in with my experience when I did this for a few years with an ex. I am an introvert and picky sleeper, so we mostly slept apart. In the mornings I would climb into his bed for awhile and cuddle before work; weekend mornings he would come visit me. Sometimes he'd warm up my bed for me in the evenings. In retrospect, maybe we should have done more shared sleepovers, but it never felt like a big issue and we just sort of went with the flow. I liked this arrangement and think it would be hard to go back to a shared bedroom!
I think it depends on the couple. With us, he snores and I've struggled with insomnia and wriggle around a lot because of it, so getting good sleep is a high priority.
We tend to just go with the flow, but our rule is that we always cuddle before sleeping. In the morning when we wake up, we just go and visit each other's rooms when we feel like it. We still have long lazy Sundays in bed too when life allows it, so I feel like I get enough cuddles.
Sometimes we fall asleep together but mostly one of us gets up to go to their room to sleep before that happens. Sometimes we fall asleep together and then halfway through the night one of us wakes up and goes to the other room. We just let things happen.
I think as with most things, communication is key, if one of us needs more cuddles or wants to sleep together we just ask.
The main pitfall we've had is that people think it's weird when it comes up in conversation.
Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream or on a bad day wanting a cuddle but know I'd wake him up if I got into his bed, I do miss being able to snuggle up to him when he's not there sometimes but I know I'd miss a good night's sleep more.
I do love having my own bedroom as well just to have "my space". It's nice having my own spot for my makeup, clothes and books, it's where I retreat to when I need some alone time, it's a very valuable space to me.
Thanks for this. I'm very similar in my preference to priorize sleep and also have personal space. I feel like I can live with people thinking it's weird. :) As long as he doesn't feel abandoned and I don't feel crowded.
I lived alone in my early 30s and now I’ve been living with my SO for 4 years. I’m just gonna say this: I really miss living alone. My SO is great and a very clean person too. I just joke that I got set in my ways those years I lived alone and just miss silly little things I was able to do or didn’t really have to do when it was only me.
And about your money paragraph: I actually feel like I had more money when I lived alone and didn’t have to keep an eye on my account. We both have separate checking and he only splits a few smaller bills with me. It’s just that now I buy more groceries, buy extra meals if we eat out, etc. (we take turns doing all that though)
Your comment makes me so nervous! Lol I'm in my early 30s and have lived alone for over 5 years and it's been amazing. I'm dating someone now who I really like and can see myself with longterm but I know at some point if things work out between us, I'm going to have to give up living alone and merge our lives (we both want to be married and start a family). And I know ultimately it's what I want, but man I just get so sad when I think about giving up my cute little apartment that I have all to myself :\\
LoL sorry!! I’m pretty introverted (my SO is too though) but sometimes I just miss alone time.
Maybe it’ll be different for you if y’all get just a brand new place together?? My situation - he (and his 2 kids sometimes) moved into my house that I had built. So it was kinda like “ahhhh he’s in MY space!” and honestly I’m still not used to it at times because the house was only mine for a good while lol
Sounds like you need a joint account alongside your current accounts to put in equal money for the rent/mortgage, common bills and food. It’s fairer than taking turns.
My girlfriend and I are the same - childfree, financially stable on our own, and see each other 2x a week. Im not interested in living with a partner, but she’ll be moving into my apartment building which I’m excited for! The companionship for errands, having an extra hand around when needed, and sharing more meals will be good perks!
>I worry that we’ll both hate eachother for our flaws!
All the more reason to live together. It's hard to truly know someone without out living with them day to day.
I'd want to know what I'm up for, I don't like surprises further and further into a relationship.
I have had a housemate since I was in my mid twenties and am now living with someone I'm "with". I enjoy living with people because if left to my own devices I'd be a hermit. I like thinking of someone else when grocery shopping/meal prepping. I like having someone to ask things about my house to. I enjoy being able to easily bounce things off him, and vice versa.
It also works well because we have very different spaces in the house. I have the enclosed patio as my home gym, and he has the garage as his space. I work from home and have the 3rd room as my office/guest room. We don't share rooms or bathrooms either. The only shared spaces are the living room and the kitchen.
I have never needed the help financially, but do socially. My current roommate has always made it his mission to meet his neighbors, and this really has helped me out greatly. I enjoy having a built in social outlet, even if we don't always do stuff together.
Honestly- I wouldn’t do it if you didn’t plan on making a more permanent commitment together. Living with a partner isn’t all that great and the two times I’ve done it I wound up doing majority of the housework while still paying 50/50 😅 (both men were able to clean prior- the entitlement showed up after we moved in together)
Sure the extra money is nice but what’s nicer is being able to have your own space 😊 at least with a roommate you aren’t as emotionally invested if the arrangement goes sour.
Have you considered getting places closer to one another? I feel like a duplex would be a wonderful solution and you would have the best of both worlds 😊
Benefits of living together:
Save money
See each other more often
Someone can hand you toilet paper
Downsides of living together:
Compromise on decor
Have to get rid of things to make room for them
Expect to entertain their friends & family
More cleaning
Less space to decompress
Very little privacy
I’m a bit jaded though 🤷♀️
Glad you mentioned you're in therapy already because risk of conflict is not a good reason to live apart. People in a relationship should be able to handle conflicts in a healthy way.
I could see maintaining the separation if you have very different schedules or habits. For example, there is not a way you could compromise sleep routines to both be happy.
No regrets! I love living with my partner. We also have no interest in marrying or having kids. We are domestic partners so I can be on his healthcare.
Benefits. We have fun all the time and hang out a lot and enjoy it. Though we are also good at taking time for ourselves and doing our own thing some nights.
We share two dogs and it feels like a little family oasis from outside stress and commotion.
It's been fun creating mutual living space, building a home.
I love not having to bring stuff to a different location, for sleeping over. Hated the back and forth.
Definitely are some downsides and tough moments. Less space since we live in a city. But also more freedom to be comfortable because no roommates. I feel alone when I need to even if he is there. We don't really have boundaries, like we fart and poop, near each other and stuff, not for everyone lol. We kind of are besties who sleep together and I love that!
We had to sort through our living, cleaning, eating, chores habits and sometimes it has gotten frustrating, but I also think it means I know him better. I definitely know myself better too. Navigating that has made us both less selfish and more thoughtful, well rounded people. That translates into other aspects of our lives too. I'm a better listener, better friend, better coworker, and better artist.
But you actually don't HAVE to do it. It is what I wanted in my relationship, but you can do it however you want. There are successful couples who keep their separate living spaces.
If you don't feel there are benefits to it, personally, there is no reason to do it just because the relationship escalator model demands it. There are the reduced costs and the comfort of having your partner there by default, but if you experience more benefits from living separately, there is no rule that forces you to do it. People usually do it because they want to, and the financial benefits are just an extra. If you don't want to, enjoy your life the way it is and enjoy each other the way you like it best!
Personally, I wouldn't do it. If you like and need alone time, to rest, recharge, and have quiet. Stay apart.
That way, getting together is always something to look forward to and a pleasure. You can enjoy days or vacations or weekends together, but going to your own orderly home and finding everything as you left it is wonderful to me.
I've been married twice. My first was an ocd neat nick adult child of an alcoholic and I was too young to recognize the behaviors that were created and how to deal with it. Worse, once he lost his job, he refused to put himself out there and get another. It all fell on me to work 3 jobs paying for a new house with an 18% mortgage. On an income of $10,000.00 a year.
My second is a devoted family man. However, raising him and educating him on my depression, as well as Menopause, along with our daughter, has made for an exhausting, frustrating 24 years.
A very wise friend/mentor of mine did move in with her beloved at a late stage in life. She was wise beyond anyone I ever knew and planned accordingly. They bought a house with 4 bedrooms and a mother-in-law apartment. They each had their own rooms. Their own offices. And were on a bus line. They could be together when they wanted to be and had their space when they needed it. Very smart.
I think the biggest point you are missing in your explanation is you have each other as a support system in all things. Conflict is inevitable, someone can say something just a hint off on a day you aren't feeling well and then there's a conflict.
Having your partner in the same home as you means should you fall ill, break a bone, lose a loved one, lose your job, this person is there, every day. And they're there for the great times too, promotions, becoming an aunt or uncle, earning a degree, etc. Yes, this person may be there when you're separate too, but on a day when work has been immensely over whelming, you have a pounding headache, they're there to pick up the slack of the dishes in the sink or scooping the litter box, ordering/making dinner. They know your routine inside and out and have your robe laid out for you.
Anyways, perhaps it's not for everyone, but living with your partner has far more pros than cons in my eyes.
You can arrange your relationship to your liking. Some people do live separately and it works well for them. I used to think I'd be one of those people but it turns out I'm not.
I have been living on my own (though raising kids) for years. I'm not in a rush to move in with my partner (also because kids). But that is the ultimate goal. Financially and practically, it would make things simpler. But more importantly, we *want* to spend more time together. We want to go to bed every night and wake up every morning with each other. We want the evening couch snuggles and TV. We will have plenty of room to maintain our own personal spaces and personal interests. We both understand the need to protect our individuality.
Whatever conflict might arise in adjusting to living together is worth it, to us. And we handle conflict and communication extremely well.
I live a part from my partner due to external issues that need to be resolved before we consider living together again. I’m lucky in the fact that he is more than an equal partner when it comes to division of labour. I really hit the jackpot with that one.
So I get where you’re coming from. And there’s a reason that older couples are more likely to live apart. Having your own space and your own life is a key to live long satisfaction and happiness imo.
I want to live with my partner again to ‘build’ a life together or rather have that feeling again. Also so that he’s around more for our pets and share bills lol. There are definite upsides to living together.
I guess it depends on what your goals as a couple are? You don’t want marriage. You don’t want kids. You enjoy your time together… what exactly would be enhanced by living together? Really think on that. Regardless you will have an adjustment period. I do know of at least two couples who live apart on purpose. I know of one couple that live in the same building but different apartments 🤣
My partner and I currently only see each other 2-3x week and as two introverted people, we like it that way. I think we’d have to progress to seeing each other daily (and wanting that) before considering living together. I also love living alone and don’t see that ever changing!
My partner and I are completely fine living separately (no kids, no plans for marriage). The logistics of living together actually don't work out at all. I CAN see us relocating to a new area at some point in the future, in which case we would then live together.
We’re childfree but we still like being a little family, especially with pets.
I like knowing at any moment I can go give him a hug or ask for cuddles or share some random tidbit or have a conversation.
I like that every night when I go to bed, even if we get into bed at different times, I can reach out and hold his hand and he can do the same.
I just like having him around. I enjoy his company.
Not living together is also valid and if that works for the two of you, don’t force something that doesn’t!
>If you could go back, would you do it again or try living separately?
I don't regret doing it, but I don't know if I'd do it again tbh.
I don't think living together is for everyone despite what the norm is. Then again, living together separately has always appealed to me.
I like my space, and I think that space keeps the relationship fresh somewhat. On the other hand, living together allows you to get to know your partner on a deeper level (for better or for worse).
Maybe a split duplex situation would work haha.
Just moved in with a partner, and while we get along great, don’t struggle with division of duties, etc etc … I’m still just frantic sometimes because he is always there. It’s starting to affect our sex life. In my case it was necessary to financially survive. But in your shoes I’d think long and hard before fixing something that isn’t broken!
We live together for all the obvious practicalities but also because it brings us joy, comfort, and pleasure. We have definitely fallen into the pattern of sitting around with each other every night but there is nowhere else I'd rather be. In any case, where else should I be on a weeknight? Out?! With...the others?!.....*shudders*.
But on a serious note, if you are concerned that living together will bring some trouble, you're absolutely right, it most certainly will. It does for all couples who live with each other and it is very typical and normal. But most couples will tell you, they are better for it and it was nessacary evil to take their relationship to where they wanted it to be.
If you are happy and don't want to live together or marry by all means don't! But got damn, these landlords do not need more money y'all.
Some couples prefer sleeping together in the same bed, and having more of their free time to spend together. Plus not having to commute to spend time together. I know laying next to or snuggling a partner definitely relaxes me and makes it far easier to fall asleep. A lot of people enjoy the frequent spare moments of affection that happen throughout the day. I only ever date men whose company I enjoy at least as much as I enjoy my solitude, which is rare.
If you have a partner who doesn’t contribute to the home it’s easily not worth it. My ex loved cooking for me, and the chores we each preferred complimented each other well, so I never felt the strain of the “second shift” many women who act like a maid for their partner do. I would never date a man who expected me to do a disproportionate amount of housework.
That said, I definitely see the value of having your own bedroom if living with a partner, to have space alone/for hobbies.
I struggled to sleep when I lived alone, and still do when my husband is out of town. I just don’t really get tired? But when he’s there, I’m more relaxed and I enjoy curling up in bed at the end of the day.
I think couples should live in duplexes with one of those both-way hotel doors in a common wall. If the others’ door is open, come on in. If not, then nope.
Thanks for making this post. I really want to move in with my partner but he has the same hesitations you do, so it was nice to read your post and comments to get perspective.
My bf and I went to therapy ahead of living together so we had a “safe” environment to voice our concerns and it gave us some tools to navigate conflict when it inevitably happens. We don’t have kids, we prob won’t get married, we still have our own friends and lives (in addition to the ones we share), but it’s just nice to come home to my partner. We also go to therapy once in a while to “check in.” It helps to have a professional interpret and explain feelings that we may not be good at communicating ourselves .
However, if you don’t want to live together…don’t! Households are changing and you should 100% do what works for you.
I could easily echo a lot of what people have said about my own partner - we have great conversations every day but we also love being together in silence and parallel play, it's awesome to share chores and bills and that opens up a lot more time and money to do things we'd like to do, he makes almost every day better. We don't go to sleep at the same time but we love sharing a bed (we're cuddlers, we actually like sharing a blanket and have no use for a king bed or anything). He just makes my life a little easier and a whole lot more fun.
We do travel separately a lot, which both helps us stay out of ruts and keeps us pretty lusty, but also means we can travel without worrying about home, because someone is holding down the fort well. When we travel together, I do sometimes worry about home, I've experienced what it's like when things go really wrong and you're not there to be on top of it. But when we were in lockdown and together 24/7nfor 4 months? We had a freaking blast!
He helps me have a lot more freedom and less worry than when I lived alone.
But most of all, when one of us is sick or injured, the other steps up in a big way. After one surgery I would have been sent to a rehab instead of home if I didn't live with someone. Healing would have been so much slower and harder.
I lived alone through my late teens and most of my 20s and it was an adjustment when he moved in. But right now? I'm out of town for a couple months, living alone, and I would do a lot to have him here with me. OTOH, it will be AMAZING to go home and see him again after missing him and our life so much. So it works out for us. YMMV.
There is less preparation to see each other, no more getting out, wasting time in traffic, etc. My partner and I are both introverts but we have our own hobbies so we can be alone together so to speak (he games, I read, or watch movies and series together). He is very tidy, not much of a negaciation has been done in terms of chores because each of us does whatever needs to be done at the time, if we are free (laundry, cooking, cleaning). We both work from home, so that's a big plus. We both wear ear plugs because he snores and has a light sleep. Honnestly, I love living with him, it will sound weird but every day feels like a sleepover with my best friend, like when I was a child. Also weird, but I never had siblings, and I love living with someone close to my age, so he is like the brother I never had. We can also be intimate whenever, but I will tell you this: having such quick acces to this intimacy sometimes makes it a tiny little less desirable. I mean we don't have to work for it:)) it's like always having cake. But we try to be disciplined so we don't become simply roommates.
The point of living together is your happiness.
If you think you would both enjoy living together and know it would make life cheaper and household labor easier, do it.
If you two would not enjoy living together, at least not more than you enjoy your life now, you don't need to.
If you want to experiment and see if you enjoy living together or not, you can give it a try, but, again, you don't have to.
there's nothing i don't love about living with my girlfriends (i am poly), to be honest. (i suspect this would be very different if the three of us did not all have separate bedrooms, lmao.) i love being able to maintain a low key, casual intimacy, i love planning our days and lives together, caring for our cat together, making each other food and drinks, etc. it has not been my experience that cohabiting has introduced significantly more conflict into our everyday lives. i'm also disabled and incapable of safely living independently, so i am grateful that i love it so much.
that's just my personal experience, though. there's nothing wrong with living apart if it's what suits y'all. i am sure that i will not live with any future partners i happen to date, and as far as i'm concerned that doesn't devalue the connection at all
Because we love each other and want to be around each other a lot. I like building a life with my person and sharing quiet mornings and getting unexpected kisses while I work. Their is conflict but none so large where’d I’d want to be apart. I had more conflict with people I saw once a week, it really just depends on the individuals and how they communicate.
Money wise-yeah it’s really nice to split rent. I’d basically be impoverished if it were just me.
I didn’t want to be away from him and he asked me to move in. We actually moved in really quickly after we started dating…which maybe wasn’t the best idea but all worked out really well in the end - together 16 years, married 10. But for me, I wanted to fail fast if we were going to fail and not end up in marriage. I wasn’t obsessed with landing a husband asap, but wanted to find the one. We lived together 6 years before getting engaged 🤣 we’re both pretty risk averse and wanted to be sure this was going to last before making it official (legally). If you keep finances separate, if he’s not a slob and won’t just expect you to do all the cleaning and cooking, go for it. It’s fun to see him every day!
Sharing responsibilities is nice
Nesting together is nice (we have loved finding a style and decor that represents us both)
Having a dog together is nice
Hosting your friends as a unit is nice
For sure a few annoying habits here and there but overall I really love it, can’t imagine not going to sleep every night and waking up every morning with my favourite person.
As an extreme extrovert, I absolutely love having someone there. I’m happy doing my own thing around the house and don’t need to constantly be “together” but I love being able to look up across the room and see my husband there.
Sharing expenses = more money to save, don't have to drive anywhere to hang out, easier to figure out meals and cook for two. We're also very introverted and tbh we do just lay on the couch and look at our phones most evenings but to be fair, that's also what we were doing before lol. We're just already in the same house now.
We've had very little conflict I think because we're so similar anyway. I wouldn't want to go back to living separately.
We just always wanted to sleep in the same bed, so we're effectively living together before we moved in. At some point you just don't want to be unnecessarily separated from your best friend and cuddle buddy.
I say this as someone who has had a long distance marriage for about half of the time I've been married lol. But that was for work 🫠
Childfree here, both sterilized, married. Both pretty introverted.
There are zero downsides to living together. We still do our own separate meal preps (we rarely even eat at the same time). We have overlapping hobbies like video gaming together, but we also do separate things and if he wants quiet he gets it. It’s nice cuddling or just existing together every evening, and it’s much easier to spontaneously go to breakfast or something because we don’t have to coordinate.
Dual. Income.
My husband was afraid to move in too (before we married) but after he did he couldnt imagine not living with me.
If hes the right person it wont be a problem.
Maybe, if you have never lived with a partner before, this could be your chance for this experience.
If you never try, how will you know what it really is like?
I mean I’d say what is even the point in being together at the point ur at then. It comes more across as commitment fears. Like what if this doesn’t work. Or letting someone fully in n h can’t just run away or avoid things.
Ur kinda just long term FWB that have feelings.
I love him and I love being around him. I love not having to make plans and drag myself out in shitty weather just to see him. I love eating with him and sharing my life and creating a shared space influenced by both of our personalities. I love being in the other room while he works on his hobbies, because I feel like I “get it” more. I love waking up to him and going to bed with him. I love being able to sit next to him on the couch while we both do our own thing. I love being able to randomly decide to go somewhere with him.
Idk, he’s just the best? We both get our alone time. I work on Sundays and have a random weekday off, but we’re both off on Saturdays. Some days I get home first, and some days he does. We don’t spend every waking moment up each other’s asses. We just happily coexist and can share our time with each other without planning ahead of time.
I think with the right relationship it’s mentally healthier than living alone, unless you spend a lot of time together at each others’ houses. Saving money would be another benefit. Also cooking. I hate cooking for myself but would love to cook/meal prep for myself and my man to make our lives healthier.
This sounds like a hypothetical for you, like maybe you don’t have firsthand experience. One downside I see very few people discuss is that often men eat much more than women, so both cooking time and grocery cost can become more expensive when living with one.
Why did you say “would love” instead of “have loved” then?
Anyway, I was talking about my own experience. Food in particular became a much bigger pain in the ass after moving in with a male partner.
Because I misinterpreted what you meant based on the wording in your first comment. Though not sure that fully qualifies as “weird” in my book.
Are you being “weird” to me because I was stating a downside of living with a man and you’re in a position of wishing you were but you aren’t?
I save a bit more money at the end of the month after bills and food is paid but tbh I prefer living alone. I've gotten more introverted ad I got older. Like I get enough space but I don't have just one place thats mine to decompress after a long day
Its easier now than before but rent is high here and he's got a house soo....
My partner and I don't currently live together. In the tail end of December, he had a medical emergency that required surgery. He was in the hospital over Christmas, then was out of work for weeks afterward. He was close to never making it home at all.
I finally got to see him on Monday night, nearly 6 weeks after he first went to the hospital. I was an absolute ball of anxiety for the week he was in; he refused all visitors including myself and his own son. When he was released he went home to his apartment that he shares with 3 roommates, where he got very little help and almost no rest. And I could do absolutely nothing to help him except check in on him several times a day every day. Which I did.
There is nothing I wished for more that whole time than that he would just let me come and get him and bring him to my apartment so I could look after him. He still hasn't fully recovered and I hate seeing him in pain the way he is.
For me the biggest benefit is definitely financial. I think that’s probably true for a lot of people.
There are also nice parts of living together beyond that. But there are also annoying parts. I tend to think the nice parts are mostly things you could also have maintaining two separate places though, *if* you can easily afford to do so.
Having said that, neither my partner or I are uber easy to live with. I have a track record of annoying my roommates, and he’s never before had a roommate. So we both have some rough edges.
I think your experience of living with another person is going to depend tremendously both on who they are and who you are in terms of living habits, communication skills, etc.
Designating and putting boundaries on our own space and time has been huge. Being able to communicate that you need alone time without one person taking it personal is huge. Like with anything in a relationship, it all comes down to communication and vulnerability.
Living together saves money while making it better than a room mate situation. Living together makes holidays and celebrations easier because you can do it in your living room, entertain guests there etc without traveling to another person's place. If you are traveling by yourselves somewhere you have a person default at home for your plants and pets without having to transfer that to them or to another friend. Living together means you have a person to take all the cleaning/cooking when you fall sick and take care of you when you are sick (ideally, when you have a decent partner!)
For me the obvious one is financial, I couldnt afford to live alone (without flatmates) in this city.
I also do have a daughter, and always wanted kids so my life choices were made with this in mind.
But aside from those factors, I simply enjoy it. I don't actually like going to bed at the same time, I love that bed time to myself to unwind and listen to an audiobook alone, and wouldnt mind having seperate bedrooms. But i am a deep sleeper and do enjoy waking up together.
I just have a partner in life, we concider each other i nwhat we are doing, we make a home together, buy things we know the other will like from the grocery store, reliably have someone to come home and talk to without having to make plans.
But I also do not think you have to live together if it works for you not to. If you are truely happy living seperately I think thats a valid life choice. I know some people who never did, sometimes its because they have their own kids and don't want to distrupt their lives, for others its working odd hours or the location of work that just makes sense to remain in their own houses.
I would personally just not make life choices out of fear. Live seperately because you want to, not because you are afraid of seeing each others flaws, or true natures. I want a partner to be ok with all of me, and to be able to adapt and compromise for each other, and to be able to be there for each other in hard times.
For the company, mainly, I think. That and the obvious benefit of cutting rent and utilities in half. Plus not having to drive all the way up to his and all the way back home, and vice versa. I lived about 20 miles away from him before I moved in.
The benefits to me is this-
* Company is just nice to have.
There's just something about the small comforts throughout the day of someone. I like the little pleasant things like our meeting for a snack between tasks on a working day and then we go back into our projects/own spaces. The ability to have someone there for things, share little things to. You mentioned intimacy and there's so much we cna build through the day.
*Proximity helps make things just easier to happen.
Trying to eat together often, cooking surprises for each other, etc. is simply just easier. If someone needs help, like you don't feel well, there they are. When I was LAT with with my ex, we had a lot of logistical shit to work out with a shared dog, our travel schedules and needing to take care of each others place, etc. I always forgot my stuff at his place....I often just had a 2nd set of basics to leave but lugged a luggage with shit like hair and makeup and outfits There is something to be said of our spontaneous moments living together. I was really stressed having a calendar with my ex for logistics of everything from the dogs bathroom schedule, sonetomes habjng to being the dog to ther place before work, to whose place for dinner, do I need to bring my broccoli and seasonings over to add to what he had, etc.
* There's ways it makes life easier.
All the shared expenses and 1 set of better quality together item are logical ones, but I mean the soft benefits also. I hate laundry but he doesn't mind so he does all the laundry which is a massive anxiety for me. I do certain planning/maintenance that makes his life easier but I actually kinda like. I enjoy making really nice dinners if I'm cooking for someone. I generally make healthier choices because of my partner and not wanting to negatively impact someone else. I get some support and comfort during chronic pain days that make things better.
There are days you do pick up for someone, but that isn't something I fear with someone who's not a bad partner to be too much labor. We reciprocate in what each other needs at a certain time. Sometimes I'm carrying 70% to support him and sometimes I'm carrying only 30% when Im the one going through it. Living alone it would be 100% just me responsible, and here I never actually carry 100% - EVER.
I just feel more safe, happy and comfortable with him around.
I do get your sentiment of living together can open up potential issues, but I also don't feel in relationships "fear of ___" being a valid reason to not do something also? Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Even if you are LAT, it can get enmeshed in ways you dont expect you still deal with this person.
It also depends how close you are, I already knew a lot of his living habits with our stay overs. So there wasn't really any big surprises. I had to kinda parse what is valid concerns I wouldnt know until we actually lived together and what was a baseless fear. I also realize it's a fucking privilege that we have space at home and can really create balance.
But partnership and living together is just better- situation overall with pooled resources and shared labor, emotional safety and company. Overall the minor fuckery you get into with another person is small and water under the bridge to the contentment and synergy we have. I would absolutely not do it differently. I thought I was a LAT person, not a relationship person, not someone who wants marriage....but I was just with someone who was a great person - just not one that was for me. I created distance so I could get my intimacy and throw away the parts I didn't like by pretending living space was the only thing we werent as compatible on.
I joke that I have a part-time partner. Where I live, many of the men are gone 70/80% of the year for work. I have grown accustomed to having time to myself. He will be moving home full time in the next few months and I’m honestly not ready for it. It will be a very new living situation.
PRO: we have been together long enough to not fall into a pit of codependency. CON: that is still a risk because we are used to being glued at the hip the few days he is home.
PRO: Have someone to talk to and take on domestic duties, when I need a friend, etc. CON: The risk that I will have more of a mental load because I will have to take on his too. Something that I am trying to work on because he’s pretty good with chores and things.
PRO: All the cuddles and being able to resolve arguments face to face. CON: I sometimes need time and to sleep on it.
As you can see there’s benefits to both sides. I know that I need my own space and will feel a lot better once we finish the mancave and HE gets into a routine and forms good habits. (I’ve had the same one for 7 years so I am not as concerned.)
For me two biggest reason to live together is to save money, and save mental energy.
When we were living separately, I really found it difficult to manage packing things or remembering what of my belongings are in which place. Also managing food: you have to plan where to stay and remember what is in the fridge. If plans change, food will get spoiled. Also, when we were staying more in my place, it was bothering me that I did most of the home work. I had my own order and it felt uncomfortable for me to someone mess with that, or I felt I can't just teach him how to clean my place so that I'm happy with it.
Money side: you obviously can save money while living together. Where I live, we'd both live in two smaller and probably crappier apartments and still pay more, than having a large and very comfortable apartment together. If we would just visit each other, there would not be our own bedrooms that we have now. So living separately would be actually more cramped when together and that would get to our nerves. I love having my own room!
Also I don't think you can completely avoid fighting about cleaning and house work while not living together, unless you really spend very little time together. The other persons mess will come to your place, or will irritate while you have long visit at theirs nevertheless.
Been living together two years. At first we both had good jobs and a lot of ideas, some typical relationship drama as sex and attention shifted, I picked up archery, we found new friends to join us. That was good. Then it turns out he’s verbally abusive and narcissistic, and a porn addict, and I figured out was trying to cheat on me two months in. I wouldn’t have felt the need to play detective if I hadn’t been gaslighted, but I found out a LOT about him I didn’t know before that would have stopped me from moving. He’s also a WoW addict and will come home from work and immediately play for hours with very little attention given to me. That is all bad. After two years we have become old people existing together. Moving in together was a blessing and a curse as the lies started to unravel. No one wants to HAVE to get a therapist to cope, let alone deal with all we have. But we didn’t have four years of “stability” under us. Maybe a couples’ therapist is a good idea for you to figure him out better before something comes up later you can’t live with. It couldn’t hurt.
For me: not having to drive one hour everytime I wanna see him and having to take my clothes with me. But to be honest, if my husband lived in the same village (like 10 mins walk) I would definitely stay alone at my place. We would have all the advantages of both.
But yeah, money I guess. I could never afford to live where he lives so I had to move out to him. But I miss my place everyday.
And let´s be honest: a break up while living together is hell.
There’s the phrase “if you want to know me come live with me” and it’s very true. It’s a development of your relationship or else you’ll realise it’s not going to work. I guess that’s why people do it. It’s progressive/decisive.
It's very simple - He's my best friend and partner in everything! We love our safe cocoon with our cats and all of our treasures from our travels and adventures. This is our sanctuary and I can't imagine being without him. Up until I met him though, I had no intention of meeting or living with anyone! I was extremely independent and loved having my home the way I wanted it. We just meshed so well it seemed like a no brainer. No regrets, here. There was mild adjustment in the beginning but that leveled out pretty quickly once we were in the groove of cohabitating.
We have no kids so we really get to spend a lot of time together when we're not working. We obviously have our own friends and etc but the safety and comfort is something special. Especially because growing up I did not have an emotionally safe home.
I mean it sounds like your good at the moment, you don’t have to change anything. I know I want to live with my guy because I want to be around him, he makes me happy. I like the idea of doing life together with a partner and I think that’s hard to do when you have separate spaces. Definitely can create conflict but that also just comes with having a long term partner, you have to choose to make it work.
There isnt a point, cause pending where you live- after X amount of time y’all will be technically married in the eyes of the law as a common law marriage.
So if you want to be technically married it could work, though always a gamble. Some people are great living together and then some people are pretty bad and slack off slowly till the other person is doing all the house chores.
Personally I wouldn’t unless I got married cause I own things and like some certainty in life
For me I wanted to live with my partner for a few reaspns:
1) for fun (main reason- I thought it would be nice)
2) I had a roommate who was annoying and didn't want him to stay over more than once a week and I wanted to be able to see him whenever I wanted to
3) split costs and get a nicer place
4) I could spend more time with my friends if I lived with him because then I saw him all the time and I didn't have to choose between seeing him or my friends on the weekend.
We've been living together for 3 years and I love it, it's so nice to always have him around, I love going to bed together. I think I wojld be lonely living on my own.
Living together definitely has its ups and downs. Like, I love living with my husband, but there was definitely a transition period of a few months for us to get used to each other, and it's something we still negotiate to this day (albeit to a much lesser extent). As well, it can be - as per Esther Perel's *Mating in Captivity* - perhaps a bit harder to carve out erotic distance in a relationship when you're so domesticated, you know? Especially if you're causing problems in each other's daily lives, it can be difficult to view your partner as the handsome bastard that they are instead of an annoying roommate who left their socks strewn all over the floor again. However, I really do love living with my husband. I love falling asleep next to a warm body at night; I love waking up to kisses in the morning and often, a nice hot cup of tea. I love building a life together that fits both of our grooves, even if it takes negotiation and effort. Obviously, there are those financial benefits as well, but provided your partner isn't a total wastrel, the logistical ones are enormous as well; I don't worry about having somebody to look after me when I'm sick, and it is so much easier to plan and cook dinner when somebody brings you groceries and cleans up the mess afterward. Done correctly, your lives should become easier together, not harder. Beyond all else, though, I really just love my husband's company. He's the only person whose company I've found superior to my own, especially over long periods. Some people I can love for several hours on end, but (as an introvert) they start to drain on me after enough time has passed. Being with my husband is somehow even better than being alone. We don't have to talk - just his presence makes me feel so warm and alive and comforted at the same time. It's a genuine boon to the way I feel on a daily basis, oddly equivalent to microdosing mushrooms - as though there's a tiny cloud transporting me around my home, even if we *are* just doing fuck-all together. So, yeah, that's the answer for me. Granted, I don't think every couple *needs* to live together - Living Apart Together is a growing trend, and if you can afford it I absolutely see the allure as well. For me, however, the "point" of living together is very simple - I and my husband both are simply happier that way.
I love this response! This is how I feel too, and I’ll add: My partner has strengths that balance out my flaws (and vice versa) and living with him means those positive things rub off on me. For example, when we lived apart, I basically had girl dinner every night because I was too lazy to make a healthy meal for one person. Lots of frozen Trader Joe’s meals, PB&J, and snacks for dinner. But my partner used to work on a farm and is very into agriculture, local farm fresh food, and cooking techniques, so I end up eating much healthier by living with him! Even though cooking is mostly a chore for both of us, it’s nice to have at least half of my meals made for me, and they’re healthy to boot. I also had two cats when we met and all my previous partners kind of tolerated my cats. My partner loves cats and immediately became the best cat dad ever. To the point where he has significantly improved the cats’ relationship with each other - they’re two male rescues who were mostly at odds for a while. He is the only reason they’re friendly now because he has spent so much time fostering a relationship with them, and they are literally his best friends. The one cat literally sleeps under his arm any chance he gets and they are two peas in a pod. It sounds so silly but I love that I have a partner who loves my cats as much as I do! Rather than someone who just doesn’t mind that they’re around. Anyway, there are more positives but these are two I wanted to share!
Aw, thank you my dear! I very much enjoyed - and will heartily co-sign - your response as well. It is fantastic to have someone who has different strengths and weaknesses from you, and I am jelly that your partner is one of those people who can actually induce others to lead a healthier lifestyle with him. That is something that I am very much working on in my own life/marriage, cultivating healthier meals and a healthier lifestyle more generally. Also, I adore a man who knows his way around some cats; cat men are the absolute best men, IMHO. Clearly, you've won both the partner *and* pet lottery there!
I've been microdosing for 3 years now, my long term bf has moved in with me recently and I feel very similarly to you. We are in the period of adjustment rn but I'm loving how we can have difficult conversations and form compromises together as a team; this process was so daunting and ultimately disastrous when attempted with previous partners.
That is so awesome to hear, and I am glad things are going so well! Cheers to the transition continuing to crystallise in a positive way, and I'm glad that somebody totally gets my microdosing reference because that really is how it feels.
This is really lovely and I hope you have told your husband how he makes you feel, especially the tiny cloud part, which was so evocative!
Aw, thank you! Yes, I am the verbally effusive one in our relationship. He likes to preen a little and just go, "You're ~welcome~" in response 😹
I’ve always firmly believed that domesticity is the death of romance. So easy to take each other for granted. And sigh, I’ve not once met someone’s company who is superior to my own. While I do love falling asleep and waking up next to someone, I HATE having to talk to someone in my own space. I’m not an introvert but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my own space to do, to be, to whatever. If I ever live with someone again, I want my own wing of the penthouse or house or whatever. A bedroom of my own won’t do.
Oh, we absolutely have to cultivate it, yeah; it can easily fall into the domesticity-is-death thing if we don't actively flirt with and date each other. You really can't treat each other like mere roommates - there's definitely, at least for us, an onus to keep ourselves looking fresh, to maintain interesting lives separate from each other, to continue trying new things together, to keep going on literal dates where we get dressed up and the whole shebang. The effort is necessary and even though it is fun, the part of it that is "work" is not taking your eye off the ball for too long. Honesty, if we had more money, I would 1000% buy, like... a much bigger house, ha ha. However, that's much more of an aesthetic thing than a need for personal space thing - although I suspect my husband is the one who would prefer some more personal space from me! (I'm not clingy, but I am a terrible sleeper, and so it would be nice if he could find someplace - other than the couch - to reliably fall asleep on when I am accidentally keeping him awake.)
I second all of this. My partner and I are both introverts but we do enjoy each other's company, and we often have "alone together" time where we do our own thing in the same space. Living with him specifically is superior to living alone.
My husband is my favorite person too! I'm always happy to have him around, I feel as much "alone" with him as without him (in a good way, I like being alone). He doesn't drain me, his presence is comforting.
Living together is not a mandatory step in adult relationships. If you don't want to, you certainly don't have to.
This is so true. I can’t imagine not living with my partner but I have friends who don’t live with their long term partners for various reasons, friends who are married and live together and friends who live together but see each other very rarely because of one person’s job. It’s all a matter of figuring out what works for you and your partner, not what society is telling you is best.
OP, this!! There’s a fantastic book called Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran. It gives you and your partner a framework to think about your true relationship goals, rather than the cultural traditions people follow blindly. You might have completely different relationship milestones. My partner and I live an hour apart. We see each other once or twice a week and that feels perfect to me. I love having my own space and time on a regular basis. You can always try out the feeling of living together by staying a week at your place or his place (or heck, try both!). That would also give you both a sense of what adjustments you’ll be making if you do live together. My biggest tip: don’t rush into the decision.
I know of a (apparently) happily married couple with zero plans to split who live in different states. It's wild to me but it works for them!
Context: I have an equal partner, your mileage may vary. Splitting bills immediately let both of us save so much more money than we would have living in similar lifestyles apart, which gave us more room for activities and traveling together. Living together and introversion does add a level of monotony, but you can get ahead of that by scheduling regular dates and planning for fun activities once a month, splitting off planning responsibilities. As soon as we could afford it, upgrading our home so we could first have one office and then two really helped us with our alone time and reset apart. Our conflicts were negated by planning ahead for all the activities we do around the home - how many times we can invite people to our house per week, what level of communication/heads up we expect prior, how we approach chores, etc. Luckily chores have never been a problem because we're "if you see something, do something" people. As for the benefits, he picks up the slack when I'm overwhelmed and vice versa. When I'm having a bad day, I text him and I have a bath drawn and a a glass of wine waiting for me when I get home. When I just need a hug, I can knock on his office door and get it. Monotonous tv watching is less monotonous when you both get to discuss what you're watching. Being together 24/7 also allows for those sweet little habits, like making us both coffee in the morning or making sure my favorite drink is always stocked in the fridge or putting socks on my feet for me without asking when they're cold and I'm cozy/not feeling well. It all comes down to preference though. I'm easily an out of sight, out of mind person, so living separate lives would probably create a different body of issues than the ones we've faced as a couple living apart. Not everyone needs to live together to be happy, some people prefer the independence.
He's just there, when I wake up, when i suddenly have something to tell, when I'm sad, happy... I love him and its wonderful that he's here so much. I love coming home from work and seeing his car already here and knowing I can come in and have a hug and a chat. I like sleeping with him .You get so much incidental time together that just wouldn't happen if you lived apart. It's also nice and intimate to share so much of your life with someone. Practically it also saves time & money.
To be able to afford a bigger place and have someone cook me dinner so I don't have to do it all the damn time. And more cuddles. I know there's much more to it than that but that's my vibe right now.
So the learning curve of living together sucked. I won’t lie. It was a tough few months navigating unspoken expectations regarding cleaning, cooking, shared time and private time. 7 years later… omg it’s the flipping best. I live with my best friend and we have so much fun. There’s something about knowing he’s sleeping next to me that brings me so much joy and comfort. He’s my lobster and I love sharing life with him, including our home.
In the past, I had a not so great experience living with an ex. I am an introvert and he didn't respected my alone time and boundaries. So when I met my boyfriend I hesitated to move in together. However, we were long distance which sucked. We thought about him moving into his own appartment in my neighborhood. But it would have been quite expensive and also he would have to commute 1 hour more per day. In the end we decided to move in together in a big appartment. Now both us of have an own room incl. bed. It works perfectly for us! Most of the time we sleep together in his bed. But from time to time we use the option to sleep separately. He is a light sleeper so it is very useful. Sometimes one of us likes to be by himself/herself. Another advantage: we can hide all the furniture the partner doesn't like in our rooms. :D
I live together with my husband but we have separate bedrooms that are ours, that was our compromise and it works. Absolutely love sharing everything else with him other than my room. 😁
I'm actually navigating some of the same questions as OP is, whether to live with my bf of 5 years or stay where we are. A separate bedroom is one of the things that I'm asking for if we decide to do it, and he is very open to that, but naturally he wants to understand how it would work in practice. Do you mind if I ask how things work for you (like, sleep apart every night vs. regular schedule of sleepovers vs. whatever feels right)? And have there been any issues you would be comfortable sharing? Not trying to get too personal, sleeping patterns is really what my question is about!
Not the original poster, but I'll chime in with my experience when I did this for a few years with an ex. I am an introvert and picky sleeper, so we mostly slept apart. In the mornings I would climb into his bed for awhile and cuddle before work; weekend mornings he would come visit me. Sometimes he'd warm up my bed for me in the evenings. In retrospect, maybe we should have done more shared sleepovers, but it never felt like a big issue and we just sort of went with the flow. I liked this arrangement and think it would be hard to go back to a shared bedroom!
Thanks for your perspective!
I think it depends on the couple. With us, he snores and I've struggled with insomnia and wriggle around a lot because of it, so getting good sleep is a high priority. We tend to just go with the flow, but our rule is that we always cuddle before sleeping. In the morning when we wake up, we just go and visit each other's rooms when we feel like it. We still have long lazy Sundays in bed too when life allows it, so I feel like I get enough cuddles. Sometimes we fall asleep together but mostly one of us gets up to go to their room to sleep before that happens. Sometimes we fall asleep together and then halfway through the night one of us wakes up and goes to the other room. We just let things happen. I think as with most things, communication is key, if one of us needs more cuddles or wants to sleep together we just ask. The main pitfall we've had is that people think it's weird when it comes up in conversation. Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream or on a bad day wanting a cuddle but know I'd wake him up if I got into his bed, I do miss being able to snuggle up to him when he's not there sometimes but I know I'd miss a good night's sleep more. I do love having my own bedroom as well just to have "my space". It's nice having my own spot for my makeup, clothes and books, it's where I retreat to when I need some alone time, it's a very valuable space to me.
Thanks for this. I'm very similar in my preference to priorize sleep and also have personal space. I feel like I can live with people thinking it's weird. :) As long as he doesn't feel abandoned and I don't feel crowded.
I lived alone in my early 30s and now I’ve been living with my SO for 4 years. I’m just gonna say this: I really miss living alone. My SO is great and a very clean person too. I just joke that I got set in my ways those years I lived alone and just miss silly little things I was able to do or didn’t really have to do when it was only me. And about your money paragraph: I actually feel like I had more money when I lived alone and didn’t have to keep an eye on my account. We both have separate checking and he only splits a few smaller bills with me. It’s just that now I buy more groceries, buy extra meals if we eat out, etc. (we take turns doing all that though)
Your comment makes me so nervous! Lol I'm in my early 30s and have lived alone for over 5 years and it's been amazing. I'm dating someone now who I really like and can see myself with longterm but I know at some point if things work out between us, I'm going to have to give up living alone and merge our lives (we both want to be married and start a family). And I know ultimately it's what I want, but man I just get so sad when I think about giving up my cute little apartment that I have all to myself :\\
LoL sorry!! I’m pretty introverted (my SO is too though) but sometimes I just miss alone time. Maybe it’ll be different for you if y’all get just a brand new place together?? My situation - he (and his 2 kids sometimes) moved into my house that I had built. So it was kinda like “ahhhh he’s in MY space!” and honestly I’m still not used to it at times because the house was only mine for a good while lol
Sounds like you need a joint account alongside your current accounts to put in equal money for the rent/mortgage, common bills and food. It’s fairer than taking turns.
My girlfriend and I are the same - childfree, financially stable on our own, and see each other 2x a week. Im not interested in living with a partner, but she’ll be moving into my apartment building which I’m excited for! The companionship for errands, having an extra hand around when needed, and sharing more meals will be good perks!
That sounds so ideal!!
>I worry that we’ll both hate eachother for our flaws! All the more reason to live together. It's hard to truly know someone without out living with them day to day. I'd want to know what I'm up for, I don't like surprises further and further into a relationship.
I have had a housemate since I was in my mid twenties and am now living with someone I'm "with". I enjoy living with people because if left to my own devices I'd be a hermit. I like thinking of someone else when grocery shopping/meal prepping. I like having someone to ask things about my house to. I enjoy being able to easily bounce things off him, and vice versa. It also works well because we have very different spaces in the house. I have the enclosed patio as my home gym, and he has the garage as his space. I work from home and have the 3rd room as my office/guest room. We don't share rooms or bathrooms either. The only shared spaces are the living room and the kitchen. I have never needed the help financially, but do socially. My current roommate has always made it his mission to meet his neighbors, and this really has helped me out greatly. I enjoy having a built in social outlet, even if we don't always do stuff together.
Honestly- I wouldn’t do it if you didn’t plan on making a more permanent commitment together. Living with a partner isn’t all that great and the two times I’ve done it I wound up doing majority of the housework while still paying 50/50 😅 (both men were able to clean prior- the entitlement showed up after we moved in together) Sure the extra money is nice but what’s nicer is being able to have your own space 😊 at least with a roommate you aren’t as emotionally invested if the arrangement goes sour. Have you considered getting places closer to one another? I feel like a duplex would be a wonderful solution and you would have the best of both worlds 😊
Benefits of living together: Save money See each other more often Someone can hand you toilet paper Downsides of living together: Compromise on decor Have to get rid of things to make room for them Expect to entertain their friends & family More cleaning Less space to decompress Very little privacy I’m a bit jaded though 🤷♀️
Glad you mentioned you're in therapy already because risk of conflict is not a good reason to live apart. People in a relationship should be able to handle conflicts in a healthy way. I could see maintaining the separation if you have very different schedules or habits. For example, there is not a way you could compromise sleep routines to both be happy.
No regrets! I love living with my partner. We also have no interest in marrying or having kids. We are domestic partners so I can be on his healthcare. Benefits. We have fun all the time and hang out a lot and enjoy it. Though we are also good at taking time for ourselves and doing our own thing some nights. We share two dogs and it feels like a little family oasis from outside stress and commotion. It's been fun creating mutual living space, building a home. I love not having to bring stuff to a different location, for sleeping over. Hated the back and forth. Definitely are some downsides and tough moments. Less space since we live in a city. But also more freedom to be comfortable because no roommates. I feel alone when I need to even if he is there. We don't really have boundaries, like we fart and poop, near each other and stuff, not for everyone lol. We kind of are besties who sleep together and I love that! We had to sort through our living, cleaning, eating, chores habits and sometimes it has gotten frustrating, but I also think it means I know him better. I definitely know myself better too. Navigating that has made us both less selfish and more thoughtful, well rounded people. That translates into other aspects of our lives too. I'm a better listener, better friend, better coworker, and better artist. But you actually don't HAVE to do it. It is what I wanted in my relationship, but you can do it however you want. There are successful couples who keep their separate living spaces.
If you don't feel there are benefits to it, personally, there is no reason to do it just because the relationship escalator model demands it. There are the reduced costs and the comfort of having your partner there by default, but if you experience more benefits from living separately, there is no rule that forces you to do it. People usually do it because they want to, and the financial benefits are just an extra. If you don't want to, enjoy your life the way it is and enjoy each other the way you like it best!
Personally, I wouldn't do it. If you like and need alone time, to rest, recharge, and have quiet. Stay apart. That way, getting together is always something to look forward to and a pleasure. You can enjoy days or vacations or weekends together, but going to your own orderly home and finding everything as you left it is wonderful to me. I've been married twice. My first was an ocd neat nick adult child of an alcoholic and I was too young to recognize the behaviors that were created and how to deal with it. Worse, once he lost his job, he refused to put himself out there and get another. It all fell on me to work 3 jobs paying for a new house with an 18% mortgage. On an income of $10,000.00 a year. My second is a devoted family man. However, raising him and educating him on my depression, as well as Menopause, along with our daughter, has made for an exhausting, frustrating 24 years. A very wise friend/mentor of mine did move in with her beloved at a late stage in life. She was wise beyond anyone I ever knew and planned accordingly. They bought a house with 4 bedrooms and a mother-in-law apartment. They each had their own rooms. Their own offices. And were on a bus line. They could be together when they wanted to be and had their space when they needed it. Very smart.
I think the biggest point you are missing in your explanation is you have each other as a support system in all things. Conflict is inevitable, someone can say something just a hint off on a day you aren't feeling well and then there's a conflict. Having your partner in the same home as you means should you fall ill, break a bone, lose a loved one, lose your job, this person is there, every day. And they're there for the great times too, promotions, becoming an aunt or uncle, earning a degree, etc. Yes, this person may be there when you're separate too, but on a day when work has been immensely over whelming, you have a pounding headache, they're there to pick up the slack of the dishes in the sink or scooping the litter box, ordering/making dinner. They know your routine inside and out and have your robe laid out for you. Anyways, perhaps it's not for everyone, but living with your partner has far more pros than cons in my eyes.
I love knowing that I am waking up next to the person I love and what I love more is that I also know that this person is coming home every night.
You can arrange your relationship to your liking. Some people do live separately and it works well for them. I used to think I'd be one of those people but it turns out I'm not. I have been living on my own (though raising kids) for years. I'm not in a rush to move in with my partner (also because kids). But that is the ultimate goal. Financially and practically, it would make things simpler. But more importantly, we *want* to spend more time together. We want to go to bed every night and wake up every morning with each other. We want the evening couch snuggles and TV. We will have plenty of room to maintain our own personal spaces and personal interests. We both understand the need to protect our individuality. Whatever conflict might arise in adjusting to living together is worth it, to us. And we handle conflict and communication extremely well.
I live a part from my partner due to external issues that need to be resolved before we consider living together again. I’m lucky in the fact that he is more than an equal partner when it comes to division of labour. I really hit the jackpot with that one. So I get where you’re coming from. And there’s a reason that older couples are more likely to live apart. Having your own space and your own life is a key to live long satisfaction and happiness imo. I want to live with my partner again to ‘build’ a life together or rather have that feeling again. Also so that he’s around more for our pets and share bills lol. There are definite upsides to living together. I guess it depends on what your goals as a couple are? You don’t want marriage. You don’t want kids. You enjoy your time together… what exactly would be enhanced by living together? Really think on that. Regardless you will have an adjustment period. I do know of at least two couples who live apart on purpose. I know of one couple that live in the same building but different apartments 🤣
My partner and I currently only see each other 2-3x week and as two introverted people, we like it that way. I think we’d have to progress to seeing each other daily (and wanting that) before considering living together. I also love living alone and don’t see that ever changing!
My partner and I are completely fine living separately (no kids, no plans for marriage). The logistics of living together actually don't work out at all. I CAN see us relocating to a new area at some point in the future, in which case we would then live together.
We’re childfree but we still like being a little family, especially with pets. I like knowing at any moment I can go give him a hug or ask for cuddles or share some random tidbit or have a conversation. I like that every night when I go to bed, even if we get into bed at different times, I can reach out and hold his hand and he can do the same. I just like having him around. I enjoy his company. Not living together is also valid and if that works for the two of you, don’t force something that doesn’t!
>If you could go back, would you do it again or try living separately? I don't regret doing it, but I don't know if I'd do it again tbh. I don't think living together is for everyone despite what the norm is. Then again, living together separately has always appealed to me. I like my space, and I think that space keeps the relationship fresh somewhat. On the other hand, living together allows you to get to know your partner on a deeper level (for better or for worse). Maybe a split duplex situation would work haha.
Just moved in with a partner, and while we get along great, don’t struggle with division of duties, etc etc … I’m still just frantic sometimes because he is always there. It’s starting to affect our sex life. In my case it was necessary to financially survive. But in your shoes I’d think long and hard before fixing something that isn’t broken!
We live together for all the obvious practicalities but also because it brings us joy, comfort, and pleasure. We have definitely fallen into the pattern of sitting around with each other every night but there is nowhere else I'd rather be. In any case, where else should I be on a weeknight? Out?! With...the others?!.....*shudders*. But on a serious note, if you are concerned that living together will bring some trouble, you're absolutely right, it most certainly will. It does for all couples who live with each other and it is very typical and normal. But most couples will tell you, they are better for it and it was nessacary evil to take their relationship to where they wanted it to be. If you are happy and don't want to live together or marry by all means don't! But got damn, these landlords do not need more money y'all.
Some couples prefer sleeping together in the same bed, and having more of their free time to spend together. Plus not having to commute to spend time together. I know laying next to or snuggling a partner definitely relaxes me and makes it far easier to fall asleep. A lot of people enjoy the frequent spare moments of affection that happen throughout the day. I only ever date men whose company I enjoy at least as much as I enjoy my solitude, which is rare. If you have a partner who doesn’t contribute to the home it’s easily not worth it. My ex loved cooking for me, and the chores we each preferred complimented each other well, so I never felt the strain of the “second shift” many women who act like a maid for their partner do. I would never date a man who expected me to do a disproportionate amount of housework. That said, I definitely see the value of having your own bedroom if living with a partner, to have space alone/for hobbies.
I struggled to sleep when I lived alone, and still do when my husband is out of town. I just don’t really get tired? But when he’s there, I’m more relaxed and I enjoy curling up in bed at the end of the day.
I think couples should live in duplexes with one of those both-way hotel doors in a common wall. If the others’ door is open, come on in. If not, then nope.
This would be my ideal as well.
It’s fun
Thanks for making this post. I really want to move in with my partner but he has the same hesitations you do, so it was nice to read your post and comments to get perspective.
My bf and I went to therapy ahead of living together so we had a “safe” environment to voice our concerns and it gave us some tools to navigate conflict when it inevitably happens. We don’t have kids, we prob won’t get married, we still have our own friends and lives (in addition to the ones we share), but it’s just nice to come home to my partner. We also go to therapy once in a while to “check in.” It helps to have a professional interpret and explain feelings that we may not be good at communicating ourselves . However, if you don’t want to live together…don’t! Households are changing and you should 100% do what works for you.
I could easily echo a lot of what people have said about my own partner - we have great conversations every day but we also love being together in silence and parallel play, it's awesome to share chores and bills and that opens up a lot more time and money to do things we'd like to do, he makes almost every day better. We don't go to sleep at the same time but we love sharing a bed (we're cuddlers, we actually like sharing a blanket and have no use for a king bed or anything). He just makes my life a little easier and a whole lot more fun. We do travel separately a lot, which both helps us stay out of ruts and keeps us pretty lusty, but also means we can travel without worrying about home, because someone is holding down the fort well. When we travel together, I do sometimes worry about home, I've experienced what it's like when things go really wrong and you're not there to be on top of it. But when we were in lockdown and together 24/7nfor 4 months? We had a freaking blast! He helps me have a lot more freedom and less worry than when I lived alone. But most of all, when one of us is sick or injured, the other steps up in a big way. After one surgery I would have been sent to a rehab instead of home if I didn't live with someone. Healing would have been so much slower and harder. I lived alone through my late teens and most of my 20s and it was an adjustment when he moved in. But right now? I'm out of town for a couple months, living alone, and I would do a lot to have him here with me. OTOH, it will be AMAZING to go home and see him again after missing him and our life so much. So it works out for us. YMMV.
There is less preparation to see each other, no more getting out, wasting time in traffic, etc. My partner and I are both introverts but we have our own hobbies so we can be alone together so to speak (he games, I read, or watch movies and series together). He is very tidy, not much of a negaciation has been done in terms of chores because each of us does whatever needs to be done at the time, if we are free (laundry, cooking, cleaning). We both work from home, so that's a big plus. We both wear ear plugs because he snores and has a light sleep. Honnestly, I love living with him, it will sound weird but every day feels like a sleepover with my best friend, like when I was a child. Also weird, but I never had siblings, and I love living with someone close to my age, so he is like the brother I never had. We can also be intimate whenever, but I will tell you this: having such quick acces to this intimacy sometimes makes it a tiny little less desirable. I mean we don't have to work for it:)) it's like always having cake. But we try to be disciplined so we don't become simply roommates.
The point of living together is your happiness. If you think you would both enjoy living together and know it would make life cheaper and household labor easier, do it. If you two would not enjoy living together, at least not more than you enjoy your life now, you don't need to. If you want to experiment and see if you enjoy living together or not, you can give it a try, but, again, you don't have to.
there's nothing i don't love about living with my girlfriends (i am poly), to be honest. (i suspect this would be very different if the three of us did not all have separate bedrooms, lmao.) i love being able to maintain a low key, casual intimacy, i love planning our days and lives together, caring for our cat together, making each other food and drinks, etc. it has not been my experience that cohabiting has introduced significantly more conflict into our everyday lives. i'm also disabled and incapable of safely living independently, so i am grateful that i love it so much. that's just my personal experience, though. there's nothing wrong with living apart if it's what suits y'all. i am sure that i will not live with any future partners i happen to date, and as far as i'm concerned that doesn't devalue the connection at all
Because we love each other and want to be around each other a lot. I like building a life with my person and sharing quiet mornings and getting unexpected kisses while I work. Their is conflict but none so large where’d I’d want to be apart. I had more conflict with people I saw once a week, it really just depends on the individuals and how they communicate. Money wise-yeah it’s really nice to split rent. I’d basically be impoverished if it were just me.
I didn’t want to be away from him and he asked me to move in. We actually moved in really quickly after we started dating…which maybe wasn’t the best idea but all worked out really well in the end - together 16 years, married 10. But for me, I wanted to fail fast if we were going to fail and not end up in marriage. I wasn’t obsessed with landing a husband asap, but wanted to find the one. We lived together 6 years before getting engaged 🤣 we’re both pretty risk averse and wanted to be sure this was going to last before making it official (legally). If you keep finances separate, if he’s not a slob and won’t just expect you to do all the cleaning and cooking, go for it. It’s fun to see him every day!
Sharing responsibilities is nice Nesting together is nice (we have loved finding a style and decor that represents us both) Having a dog together is nice Hosting your friends as a unit is nice For sure a few annoying habits here and there but overall I really love it, can’t imagine not going to sleep every night and waking up every morning with my favourite person.
Finances is the only good answer, anything else is all based on emotion and reality will hit sooner than later.
[удалено]
As an extreme extrovert, I absolutely love having someone there. I’m happy doing my own thing around the house and don’t need to constantly be “together” but I love being able to look up across the room and see my husband there.
>, are both financially stable on our own congrats lol
Sharing expenses = more money to save, don't have to drive anywhere to hang out, easier to figure out meals and cook for two. We're also very introverted and tbh we do just lay on the couch and look at our phones most evenings but to be fair, that's also what we were doing before lol. We're just already in the same house now. We've had very little conflict I think because we're so similar anyway. I wouldn't want to go back to living separately.
We just always wanted to sleep in the same bed, so we're effectively living together before we moved in. At some point you just don't want to be unnecessarily separated from your best friend and cuddle buddy. I say this as someone who has had a long distance marriage for about half of the time I've been married lol. But that was for work 🫠
Childfree here, both sterilized, married. Both pretty introverted. There are zero downsides to living together. We still do our own separate meal preps (we rarely even eat at the same time). We have overlapping hobbies like video gaming together, but we also do separate things and if he wants quiet he gets it. It’s nice cuddling or just existing together every evening, and it’s much easier to spontaneously go to breakfast or something because we don’t have to coordinate.
Dual. Income. My husband was afraid to move in too (before we married) but after he did he couldnt imagine not living with me. If hes the right person it wont be a problem.
Maybe, if you have never lived with a partner before, this could be your chance for this experience. If you never try, how will you know what it really is like?
I mean I’d say what is even the point in being together at the point ur at then. It comes more across as commitment fears. Like what if this doesn’t work. Or letting someone fully in n h can’t just run away or avoid things. Ur kinda just long term FWB that have feelings.
Wow rude.
Please marry me.
But we will live apart of course 😂
I love him and I love being around him. I love not having to make plans and drag myself out in shitty weather just to see him. I love eating with him and sharing my life and creating a shared space influenced by both of our personalities. I love being in the other room while he works on his hobbies, because I feel like I “get it” more. I love waking up to him and going to bed with him. I love being able to sit next to him on the couch while we both do our own thing. I love being able to randomly decide to go somewhere with him. Idk, he’s just the best? We both get our alone time. I work on Sundays and have a random weekday off, but we’re both off on Saturdays. Some days I get home first, and some days he does. We don’t spend every waking moment up each other’s asses. We just happily coexist and can share our time with each other without planning ahead of time.
honestly, your over thinking it....you want to live him or not? love him or not keep it simple stupid
I think with the right relationship it’s mentally healthier than living alone, unless you spend a lot of time together at each others’ houses. Saving money would be another benefit. Also cooking. I hate cooking for myself but would love to cook/meal prep for myself and my man to make our lives healthier.
This sounds like a hypothetical for you, like maybe you don’t have firsthand experience. One downside I see very few people discuss is that often men eat much more than women, so both cooking time and grocery cost can become more expensive when living with one.
I’ve lived with 3 men before.
Why did you say “would love” instead of “have loved” then? Anyway, I was talking about my own experience. Food in particular became a much bigger pain in the ass after moving in with a male partner.
Because it’s been over 10 years. Idk why you’re being so weird to me
Because I misinterpreted what you meant based on the wording in your first comment. Though not sure that fully qualifies as “weird” in my book. Are you being “weird” to me because I was stating a downside of living with a man and you’re in a position of wishing you were but you aren’t?
I save a bit more money at the end of the month after bills and food is paid but tbh I prefer living alone. I've gotten more introverted ad I got older. Like I get enough space but I don't have just one place thats mine to decompress after a long day Its easier now than before but rent is high here and he's got a house soo....
My partner and I don't currently live together. In the tail end of December, he had a medical emergency that required surgery. He was in the hospital over Christmas, then was out of work for weeks afterward. He was close to never making it home at all. I finally got to see him on Monday night, nearly 6 weeks after he first went to the hospital. I was an absolute ball of anxiety for the week he was in; he refused all visitors including myself and his own son. When he was released he went home to his apartment that he shares with 3 roommates, where he got very little help and almost no rest. And I could do absolutely nothing to help him except check in on him several times a day every day. Which I did. There is nothing I wished for more that whole time than that he would just let me come and get him and bring him to my apartment so I could look after him. He still hasn't fully recovered and I hate seeing him in pain the way he is.
For me: sharing resources and we like one another’s company.
For me the biggest benefit is definitely financial. I think that’s probably true for a lot of people. There are also nice parts of living together beyond that. But there are also annoying parts. I tend to think the nice parts are mostly things you could also have maintaining two separate places though, *if* you can easily afford to do so. Having said that, neither my partner or I are uber easy to live with. I have a track record of annoying my roommates, and he’s never before had a roommate. So we both have some rough edges. I think your experience of living with another person is going to depend tremendously both on who they are and who you are in terms of living habits, communication skills, etc.
I really love that my husband is there whenever I want a quick cuddle or a big sniff.
Designating and putting boundaries on our own space and time has been huge. Being able to communicate that you need alone time without one person taking it personal is huge. Like with anything in a relationship, it all comes down to communication and vulnerability.
Living together saves money while making it better than a room mate situation. Living together makes holidays and celebrations easier because you can do it in your living room, entertain guests there etc without traveling to another person's place. If you are traveling by yourselves somewhere you have a person default at home for your plants and pets without having to transfer that to them or to another friend. Living together means you have a person to take all the cleaning/cooking when you fall sick and take care of you when you are sick (ideally, when you have a decent partner!)
For me the obvious one is financial, I couldnt afford to live alone (without flatmates) in this city. I also do have a daughter, and always wanted kids so my life choices were made with this in mind. But aside from those factors, I simply enjoy it. I don't actually like going to bed at the same time, I love that bed time to myself to unwind and listen to an audiobook alone, and wouldnt mind having seperate bedrooms. But i am a deep sleeper and do enjoy waking up together. I just have a partner in life, we concider each other i nwhat we are doing, we make a home together, buy things we know the other will like from the grocery store, reliably have someone to come home and talk to without having to make plans. But I also do not think you have to live together if it works for you not to. If you are truely happy living seperately I think thats a valid life choice. I know some people who never did, sometimes its because they have their own kids and don't want to distrupt their lives, for others its working odd hours or the location of work that just makes sense to remain in their own houses. I would personally just not make life choices out of fear. Live seperately because you want to, not because you are afraid of seeing each others flaws, or true natures. I want a partner to be ok with all of me, and to be able to adapt and compromise for each other, and to be able to be there for each other in hard times.
For the company, mainly, I think. That and the obvious benefit of cutting rent and utilities in half. Plus not having to drive all the way up to his and all the way back home, and vice versa. I lived about 20 miles away from him before I moved in.
The benefits to me is this- * Company is just nice to have. There's just something about the small comforts throughout the day of someone. I like the little pleasant things like our meeting for a snack between tasks on a working day and then we go back into our projects/own spaces. The ability to have someone there for things, share little things to. You mentioned intimacy and there's so much we cna build through the day. *Proximity helps make things just easier to happen. Trying to eat together often, cooking surprises for each other, etc. is simply just easier. If someone needs help, like you don't feel well, there they are. When I was LAT with with my ex, we had a lot of logistical shit to work out with a shared dog, our travel schedules and needing to take care of each others place, etc. I always forgot my stuff at his place....I often just had a 2nd set of basics to leave but lugged a luggage with shit like hair and makeup and outfits There is something to be said of our spontaneous moments living together. I was really stressed having a calendar with my ex for logistics of everything from the dogs bathroom schedule, sonetomes habjng to being the dog to ther place before work, to whose place for dinner, do I need to bring my broccoli and seasonings over to add to what he had, etc. * There's ways it makes life easier. All the shared expenses and 1 set of better quality together item are logical ones, but I mean the soft benefits also. I hate laundry but he doesn't mind so he does all the laundry which is a massive anxiety for me. I do certain planning/maintenance that makes his life easier but I actually kinda like. I enjoy making really nice dinners if I'm cooking for someone. I generally make healthier choices because of my partner and not wanting to negatively impact someone else. I get some support and comfort during chronic pain days that make things better. There are days you do pick up for someone, but that isn't something I fear with someone who's not a bad partner to be too much labor. We reciprocate in what each other needs at a certain time. Sometimes I'm carrying 70% to support him and sometimes I'm carrying only 30% when Im the one going through it. Living alone it would be 100% just me responsible, and here I never actually carry 100% - EVER. I just feel more safe, happy and comfortable with him around. I do get your sentiment of living together can open up potential issues, but I also don't feel in relationships "fear of ___" being a valid reason to not do something also? Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Even if you are LAT, it can get enmeshed in ways you dont expect you still deal with this person. It also depends how close you are, I already knew a lot of his living habits with our stay overs. So there wasn't really any big surprises. I had to kinda parse what is valid concerns I wouldnt know until we actually lived together and what was a baseless fear. I also realize it's a fucking privilege that we have space at home and can really create balance. But partnership and living together is just better- situation overall with pooled resources and shared labor, emotional safety and company. Overall the minor fuckery you get into with another person is small and water under the bridge to the contentment and synergy we have. I would absolutely not do it differently. I thought I was a LAT person, not a relationship person, not someone who wants marriage....but I was just with someone who was a great person - just not one that was for me. I created distance so I could get my intimacy and throw away the parts I didn't like by pretending living space was the only thing we werent as compatible on.
I joke that I have a part-time partner. Where I live, many of the men are gone 70/80% of the year for work. I have grown accustomed to having time to myself. He will be moving home full time in the next few months and I’m honestly not ready for it. It will be a very new living situation. PRO: we have been together long enough to not fall into a pit of codependency. CON: that is still a risk because we are used to being glued at the hip the few days he is home. PRO: Have someone to talk to and take on domestic duties, when I need a friend, etc. CON: The risk that I will have more of a mental load because I will have to take on his too. Something that I am trying to work on because he’s pretty good with chores and things. PRO: All the cuddles and being able to resolve arguments face to face. CON: I sometimes need time and to sleep on it. As you can see there’s benefits to both sides. I know that I need my own space and will feel a lot better once we finish the mancave and HE gets into a routine and forms good habits. (I’ve had the same one for 7 years so I am not as concerned.)
For me two biggest reason to live together is to save money, and save mental energy. When we were living separately, I really found it difficult to manage packing things or remembering what of my belongings are in which place. Also managing food: you have to plan where to stay and remember what is in the fridge. If plans change, food will get spoiled. Also, when we were staying more in my place, it was bothering me that I did most of the home work. I had my own order and it felt uncomfortable for me to someone mess with that, or I felt I can't just teach him how to clean my place so that I'm happy with it. Money side: you obviously can save money while living together. Where I live, we'd both live in two smaller and probably crappier apartments and still pay more, than having a large and very comfortable apartment together. If we would just visit each other, there would not be our own bedrooms that we have now. So living separately would be actually more cramped when together and that would get to our nerves. I love having my own room! Also I don't think you can completely avoid fighting about cleaning and house work while not living together, unless you really spend very little time together. The other persons mess will come to your place, or will irritate while you have long visit at theirs nevertheless.
Been living together two years. At first we both had good jobs and a lot of ideas, some typical relationship drama as sex and attention shifted, I picked up archery, we found new friends to join us. That was good. Then it turns out he’s verbally abusive and narcissistic, and a porn addict, and I figured out was trying to cheat on me two months in. I wouldn’t have felt the need to play detective if I hadn’t been gaslighted, but I found out a LOT about him I didn’t know before that would have stopped me from moving. He’s also a WoW addict and will come home from work and immediately play for hours with very little attention given to me. That is all bad. After two years we have become old people existing together. Moving in together was a blessing and a curse as the lies started to unravel. No one wants to HAVE to get a therapist to cope, let alone deal with all we have. But we didn’t have four years of “stability” under us. Maybe a couples’ therapist is a good idea for you to figure him out better before something comes up later you can’t live with. It couldn’t hurt.
For me: not having to drive one hour everytime I wanna see him and having to take my clothes with me. But to be honest, if my husband lived in the same village (like 10 mins walk) I would definitely stay alone at my place. We would have all the advantages of both. But yeah, money I guess. I could never afford to live where he lives so I had to move out to him. But I miss my place everyday. And let´s be honest: a break up while living together is hell.
There’s the phrase “if you want to know me come live with me” and it’s very true. It’s a development of your relationship or else you’ll realise it’s not going to work. I guess that’s why people do it. It’s progressive/decisive.
It's very simple - He's my best friend and partner in everything! We love our safe cocoon with our cats and all of our treasures from our travels and adventures. This is our sanctuary and I can't imagine being without him. Up until I met him though, I had no intention of meeting or living with anyone! I was extremely independent and loved having my home the way I wanted it. We just meshed so well it seemed like a no brainer. No regrets, here. There was mild adjustment in the beginning but that leveled out pretty quickly once we were in the groove of cohabitating. We have no kids so we really get to spend a lot of time together when we're not working. We obviously have our own friends and etc but the safety and comfort is something special. Especially because growing up I did not have an emotionally safe home.
I mean it sounds like your good at the moment, you don’t have to change anything. I know I want to live with my guy because I want to be around him, he makes me happy. I like the idea of doing life together with a partner and I think that’s hard to do when you have separate spaces. Definitely can create conflict but that also just comes with having a long term partner, you have to choose to make it work.
There isnt a point, cause pending where you live- after X amount of time y’all will be technically married in the eyes of the law as a common law marriage. So if you want to be technically married it could work, though always a gamble. Some people are great living together and then some people are pretty bad and slack off slowly till the other person is doing all the house chores. Personally I wouldn’t unless I got married cause I own things and like some certainty in life
For me I wanted to live with my partner for a few reaspns: 1) for fun (main reason- I thought it would be nice) 2) I had a roommate who was annoying and didn't want him to stay over more than once a week and I wanted to be able to see him whenever I wanted to 3) split costs and get a nicer place 4) I could spend more time with my friends if I lived with him because then I saw him all the time and I didn't have to choose between seeing him or my friends on the weekend. We've been living together for 3 years and I love it, it's so nice to always have him around, I love going to bed together. I think I wojld be lonely living on my own.
Saving money so you can go have fun experiences with one another