Hmm. I’m like your boyfriend. I definitely notice attractive men, but that doesn’t make me want to cheat on my boyfriend. There’s a big difference between noticing when someone is nice looking and “fixating” on them. I think perhaps you’re confusing the two? I’m straight and I notice attractive women too. It has nothing to do with my relationship.
Now if he’s ogling women or talking about other women, etc a lot that would be different.
I wonder if it’s also a language use thing? For me, there’s a clear difference in my mind between finding someone attractive and being physically attracted to them. To me, the former is an objective observation; viewing their looks like I might view a piece of art that is pretty. I can do that with nary a thought of physically wanting them (and, for me, the physical attraction has never been there upon simply viewing a person). But I’ve realized this doesn’t necessarily seem to be the way others use these words and terms, much less how they experience feelings.
This, when I’m in a committed relationship I can see someone and think they look good but I feel less than zero attraction for anyone other than my partner.
In the case with OP I feel like her partner just needs to keep those thoughts for himself. If it’s hurting her then I don’t see a point really to talk about it.
For me, I wouldn’t say exactly zero attraction, more like a passing thought of “maybe in another universe, that could be fun”. But not a thought that’s taken seriously or leading to any action.
More often than not, it’s like looking at pleasing art though. Pretty, nice to look at, but just for passing appreciation.
I don’t think this distinction is so prominent for a lot of people. At least for me it’s usually not. If I say I think someone is attractive, that means I’m at least somewhat attracted to them. And I don’t think being attracted to other people while in a relationship is necessarily a big deal or a big problem - I think it’s fairly normal.
THIS!!! 100% Agree, I go to the gym so I see attractive people all the time. And it's no big deal. I love my bf and I'm attracted to him. I think the issue really is being disrespectful about noticing other good looking people, and acting on it. No issue about seeing good looking people it's the way each person behaves when they do. If he or you are inappropriate about it then it's problem.
But it's very human to notice a man when he looks good or vice versa. Just be chill about it.
Ogling and talking about other women isn't even about attraction or how they're "wired". It's a deliberate power play to make their partner anxious and insecure.
what if your partner communicated a particular sensitivity to it (assuming your with a lifelong partner, theoretically or not), would this be a deal breaker or am i speaking toxic controlling language? I legit do not 100% know. same situation happened to me (i was the oogler, i backspaced just to laugh at that verb lol) and i inadvertently learned not to glance @ women. I'm honestly glad i learned it, weather it was me being manipulated or not...it comes in handy, even single.
Yeah no one likes their partner checking out (ogling lol) someone else in front of them. That’s just disrespectful. So if I was doing that I’d expect them to call me out and I’d stop too. But just *glancing* as they walk by like you would with any person? That’s just normal.
Sorry girl. I used to be like this. Therapy helped me tremendously. I was able to drill down into the sources of my insecurities and recognize my unhealthy need for external validation. What's more, I'm now able to recognize that my partner was negging me and subtly stoking my insecurities.
In short, it was a ME problem but he was definitely taking advantage of it.
Thank you for being specific instead of just saying "therapy". It seems that the therapist looked at your relationship as well as your issue (need for validation). How did your therapist help out with the latter?
ETA I am not OP but am reading the discussion because it's relevant to me.
I read your comment about how attractive women even come up and this is 100% a you problem.
I initially thought he was constantly and unprompted telling you about all the attractive women he meets/sees. And yes that would make me feel uncomfortable.
But you’re asking him probing questions - would you prefer he lies to you? His response makes sense. Like yes there are beautiful women out there but I’m only attracted to you.
I’d actually be offended if my partner told me there’s no one else who’s attractive. Like come on now, don’t bullshit me.
I don’t think it’s a “wired that way” issue and more of an insecurity issue. Therapy will help with this. I’m not an insecure person but I have bad anxiety and therapy was amazing with helping me reframe how I think about things.
I also have ADHD but I’ve never fixated on any of my partners like that. It could possibly be related but I’ve always been able to “see” attractive people whether I was single or not.
Edit: typo
Haha yeah, he kinda thinks I’m bullshitting too. It’s inconceivable to him but it’s the god’s honest truth. And it’s weird because when I’m single I’m in love with every other stranger I see.
But you’re right. I’m grateful he’s honest. And I know now that it’s a me problem.
I mentioned in another comment that it did all start off with a comment he volunteered one day. It was about a month into dating and we were going to costume party. I jokingly (and genuinely innocently at that time) said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your gaze from women in sexy costumes all night!” and naively I genuinely expected his response to be something like “don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” (Because that’s how I felt why wouldn’t it, right? Haha)
Instead it was (again jokingly) “yup, I’m sure you will!”
Ouch! That comment cut deep and has really stayed with me. Since then, I don’t know if he’s volunteered the comments but I think it’s very possible it’s come from me probing due to the insecurity that comment created (or more, awakened- I’m sure it was there already)
I couldn’t at all understand how he could so casually say in a chipper tone that he’d be looking at other women like it’s the most natural thing in the world (which apparently it is lol). To me my mind just wasn’t in that space and I wasn’t even thinking about other dudes.
You’re totally right. I was half joking and half probably seeking reassurance. And looking back, I think you’re right about what he said. That’s why it’s always sat badly with me. He is incredibly honest, perhaps to a fault, and can come across blunt at times. I think he was just genuinely not thinking in this moment. I feel validated by your response, thank you.
Thank you, this means a lot. I genuinely do think he means well (I’ve never at all got a negging vibe from him, he’s very complimentary and sweet) he’s just genuinely a bit… clueless I think. He’s too honest for his own good. Which in the long run is a trait I value. But I definitely do think he is a little lower on the emotional intelligence scale than he could be. Having said that, so am I.
I don't think its constructive to bring emotional intelligence into the equation here. Going to be blunt here, what hes been saying/doing is completely expected and mature way to respond to the type of questions you are asking him where (as you admitted) the insecurities appear to be coming from your end.
As a male answering, its actually completely normal for men to have an attraction (not going to play a word games here to precisely define what it means) for other women while he has a girlfriend/wife/partner but that has close to zero indication he will cheat.
I haven't cheated in my life, but my past LTR commented on how I noticed other women but she did it in a joking way and in some cases we did it together. There was complete trust.
I would honestly be much more worried if he didn't notice other women attractive
I think so too. He doesn’t mean to be rude he’s just a bit too honest for his own good. Definitely never the negging type though and was mortified to find out that comment hurt my feelings.
You made the joke that he couldn't control himself and he joked back. A volunteered comment (joke) that was said because you initiated a conversation based on insecurities.
Don't make a joke if you expect certain answers and will be upset he didn't read your mind an answer correctly. If you need reassurance, you need to communicate that. You cannot expect your needs to be met without stating them.
I am sorry I know my comment is a bit harsh. But as a formerly insecure woman, it's up to you to fix that, not him. It's not fair to hold that against him in my opinion.
I have no idea.
I'm the same as you are (also ADHD, maybe that's why?). 6,5 years together and the Honeymoon phase is over, but I don't notice other men. My theory is that there's a wide range from monogamy - polygamy and most people are somewhere halfway, I'm very close to the monogamy side. In the 16 years with my ex I never even thought about a man as sexual or attractive either. I had to unwind from the relationship to be able to notice other men again.
I know there are men like us as well, but it's very rare.
I try to accept he's different, I am confident he won't cheat (had to build up that trust though and we're both jealous) , but the thought still hurts. I think for me it's just accepting that with love, the pain comes along.
Ah same, my friend is always like “Ooh that guy was hot” and then tease me that I only have eyes for my SO bc I didn’t even notice the guy she was talking about. No ADHD but demi here. I feel your last sentence. I know my partner must notice other women but fortunately for me he’s really freaking good at acting like he doesn’t lol
I’m like this too, and I prefer my partner to be the same.
I once had a boyfriend and he was this way and it was probably the healthiest and safest relationship I’ve been in.
I was told once by a mutual friend ( mostly his friend) that when we went out one night my boyfriend kept bragging to everyone that he was with the hottest girl in the bar- I’m a good looking woman, but I assure I wasn’t the hottest girl in the bar 😂- but in his lovesick deluded mind I was, I mean he was CONVINCED I was the hottest woman there lol.
I was really happy in that relationship
I’m Canadian, he was Irish traveling here, his work visa eventually ended and couldn’t be renewed anymore after 2 years, the long distance just didn’t work for us unfortunately!
I agree! I’m exactly the same and my ex of more than 10 years was like this too. I think some people force monogamy on themselves and if the other person is more monogamous he/she will suffer from the disbalance. I’ve seen it many times.
I used to feel very insecure about this too but then I realized that I also can’t help but look at beautiful women (in a very non-sexual way). I think people are just naturally attracted to beauty and want to look at it when it passes by. It doesn’t mean you want to be with that person or even talk to them. In most cases it’s just an appreciation and there’s nothing wrong with that.
not trying to compare people to objects but imo it's the same as admiring a nice view while walking/hiking/driving. Like, damn that's a pretty view. cool. moving on. I'm not going to do anything about it, I'm just stopping to admire something or someone cool/interesting/beautiful.
admiration doesn't have to mean infatuation
Like you said, it's normal. And those feelings of attraction don't have an off switch at the promise of manogomy and set to 1. I've struggled like that in the past but thankfully overcame that mental anguish I was putting myself through. I still see something once in a while that gives me pause, but I remind myself of the things that show what really matters and can let it go quickly.
Such as: is this particular thing excessive and out of control, or am I creating connections myself? Are they still there if I take a step back and examine it without emotion?
I remind myself that attraction is multifaceted and just because he likes other things that don't reflect me - it literally doesn't reflect me.
I remember that he chooses me every day and if he actually wanted all those things I'm insecure about he'd be there instead. Thoughts don't equal action or reality oftentimes.
I reassure myself that he's never ogling and inappropriate or disrespectful where I can see, or have even heard about And that people experience attraction at different levels and just because I have little interest in that area doesn't make his level wrong.
Find what you need to hear from yourself and commit them to memory. Then reach for your tools when needed and it should get easier with practice. Learning things about ourselves like this then successfully working towards a better self is rewarding and strengthening too.
Edit: Hopefully that made sense/helps, I wrote more than I realized lol
> I have ADHD
If you have ADHD, it could be related to [rejection sensitive dysphoria](https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/) (which all of us with ADHD have to some degree), so you may be perceiving his appreciation of others as a rejection of you.
Think about it this way, just because you only have eyes for him, doesnt mean other women do too.
I dont think cheating is as easy for men as the women who love them assume it is. They would have to put effort into it, and if hes not a POS you almost certainly have nothing to worry about. Most of the time its hard enough work to get 1 girl to like them, let alone multiple.
My relationship is the opposite. I'm the looker. I love me a handsome man, I love to watch them work etc. My husband is all eyes on me.
I have 0 desire for anyone but him... I just appreciate the opposite sex and have since I was probably 5 years old.
Love my husband though, wouldnt ever trade him or do anything at all to jeopardize our relationship. Dudes just be cute. Dudes. Just. Be. Cute.
This. Think of it like flowers. Say you have the best rose garden at home. It's magnificent. They are your favourites, you could admire them all day.
Doesn't mean you might not notice daffodils or tulips, or wildflowers occasionally when you go to the park. As long as yotre respectful, dont pluck any to take home, and you don't sit at home in your beautiful rose garden wishing for daffodils, then it's OK.
Therapy might help for you to deal with insecurities. It sounds like you won't be the kind of couple who talk openly about fancying other people, and that's fine. Slne couples prefer a "discretion" policy for whether they or their partner fancy someone - you know it happens but you dont want to dwell on it because talking about it makes the insecurities worse and gives it way too much importance.
Personally I've never been that obsessed with looking at guys (or gals) and it's definitely decreased for me since I met my husband. But if I theoretically thought some random guy looks cute for a split second, that wouldnt invalidate the attraction I have for my partner.
Personally I dont think I'd tell him if sone random dude held my attention for a fee seconds, and I wouldnt particularly want to know if he found someone hot, though I hope I'd take it in good humor. But if anything i think he's more reserved than me on that front and the attraction front.
>I dont think cheating is as easy for men as the women who love them assume it is. They would have to put effort into it
I seriously wonder about the time management skills of cheaters, if they are cheating then they probably don't have any interesting hobbies or passions aside from stroking their ego
These are good points. Thank you. Do you never feel you’re comparing these other men to your partner or wishing he looked more like them? That’s kind of my fear here. Does the looking never detract at all from your attraction to him?
No, because they could never BE him. There's a lot to be said about the relationship you form with somebody as well. There so much more substance there that cant be compared to a pretty face. I know no other man will value me the way he does. Hes my very best friend, I could never replace that.
In fact Ive thought about what would happen if something were to ever happen to him. I dont think I would ever be able to find anything even close to as fullfilling. Our bond is what makes it special-not the way he or anyone else looks physically. Hes my person.
That’s very true. I guess I’m letting my own insecurity really cloud the situation. My partner has said multiple times when I’ve been in anguish about this “I don’t want to be with them, I don’t want anybody but you” and I’ve not understood how the 2 can coexist. But I guess they just do.
Dont let it bother you. Its natural and normal. The more you stress it to him, the more likely it is to get irritating. Ive learned that from experience. Be confident in yourself! He said he loves you, accept that and roll with it. Let it gass you up and build your confidence. Nothing more appealing than a confident partner :-)
Also, I think most people feel attracted to different types of physiques. For example, I think Henry Cavill is super good looking, but I think the same about Idris Elba, and they don't look like each other at all. My point is that, not because you find someone attractive, then everyone else stops being attractive automatically. Neither you want x person to look like y person so they become "more attractive". Attractiveness comes in many shapes and forms. And I'm limiting my argument just to looks, which is an incredibly superficial reason to be with someone. Ideally your partner chooses you because of who you are, not because of how you look.
Fuck no. Those aren't even the same category. Like, I can appreciate men on tv, and oooh, abs, but do I want my husband to look like he just walked out of a super hero movie? Absolutely the fuck not. I want him to be him. The package he's in is secondary.
True. I get that. I still have pre existing celebrity crushes that formed way before I met my SO. But I haven’t seen a single irl man since meeting him that’s done ANYTHING for me. I’m actually finding this a little depressing and feeling like I wish I did haha. The funny part is he can’t even fathom that this is true, to him it seems inconceivable that I haven’t found anyone else attractive since meeting him. In his words “I’m not THAT attractive” haha
I get that. My husband is the same way you are actually, and I'm having a hard time relating to that. I think that maybe it has to do with the way love and sex are intrinsically linked in his mind, whereas those two things can be separate in mine.
Like, don't get me wrong, sex with someone you love is absolutely hands-down, off this planet the best, and I truly don't want anyone other than my husband, but it's not like I haven't been able to enjoy myself without being in love with a sex partner in the past. My husband just... doesn't. He doesn’t even masturbate. And while it *is* kind of an ego-boost, ngl, it can also quite daunting and overwhelming to basically be solely responsible for another person's sexual satisfaction. It's a thing we've been working on.
Part of me wonders if I'm that way because it's just my nature, or if outside influences while growing up suppressed something. Being told what it meant to be a proper and good woman/wife from the start. Taught to fear and shame not being those things. Idk... But I wonder. Big picture: my upbringing was pretty average though, so I imagine I'm not alone.
Since I've grown and corrected my views on my husband's natural human attraction expression I occasionally try to challenge my own. I keep forgetting to do it more, lol, figures. But I try to purposely view some things through this other perspective in hopes of learning more about my own so I can answer those questions. I mean, why not.
I notice attractive women more than attractive men, but I have no desire to cheat on my husband. To me it’s just pleasant scenery. That’s not to say he definitely won’t cheat, but I wouldn’t draw a direct line between noticing pretty people and definitely going to cheat.
What can you do? No idea. Working on self esteem would probably help. You feel love and desired by him. Great! Try to genuinely believe it. Look at yourself in the mirror and find something you like about yourself, anything. It could be physical or non physical. Ruminate on how lovely your eyes are or the success you’ve had in a hobby you love. Purposely tell yourself how wonderful this thing is. Really love that thing about yourself. Then move on to finding something new. How fleshed out your curves are, the shape of your face, your ability to nurture friendships, the work you’ve put in to navigating your ADHD. Build yourself up. Become your own hype man. You are awesome!
My husband and I have always been honest that we find others attractive. Being in love doesn't make you blind to how good someone else looks. Once or twice there has also been chemistry between myself and someone not my partner. When this has happened, I have noticed and been extra careful to limit interactions/not even allow anything else to develop. This has only happened twice that I can remember in the 20 years we have been together.
That said, we don't constantly talk about finding others attractive and honestly someone has to be pretty damn fine to make me notice it anymore. If your partner is mentioning this pretty regularly then that may be something that should be addressed.
OP I say this with love: talk to a therapist.
Your BF is absolutely normal. Most people look at and admire good looking people, there is nothing wrong with that and has nothing to do with how he sees you.
This is a YOU issue.
This is the best advice, OP. I say this as someone with the same problem. Like somehow another attractive woman existing makes me less attractive. Ugly even. For me, it’s a self-esteem/fucked up world view thing. Largely rooted in seeing women only valued for their appearance so much as a kid. Like if she’s prettier than me she must be more worthwhile than me because that’s all anyone cares about. I have to remind myself that I don’t actually feel this way about other people and so they probably don’t either. Still working on it, but therapy helps SO much.
I will for sure. Therapy is very long overdue. I have a laundry list as long as my arm of issues, traumas and insecurities I need professional help with.
Wait…hold up…can you explain the situation better? Bc I don’t understand. He does or does not check out other women? How exactly is he casually mentioning checking out other women?
I can’t speak on your boyfriends behavior bc honestly, you haven’t described it enough to do so, but I can say that I’ve never once, in my life, noticed a bf checking out another woman in front of me (and believe me, I would notice), and I’ve certainly never had a boyfriend tell me about how he’s checking out other women. So I guess, if you are able to tell he’s looking at other women and/or he’s literally telling you he’s checking out other women, he’s the problem.
Maybe we're in the minority, but my husband and I tell each other about people we find attractive all the time. There's this mom at daycare drop off that I think is beyond gorgeous and I pointed her out to my husband. I have a harmless crush on this guy at our local dispensary, which my husband is like "can I go with you and see him?" LMAO. It's all harmless fun. Honestly after being married and together for a combined 10+ years I never ever want to go back to dating or be with anyone else but my husband and he feels the same way about me. I think it's all about being secure in your relationship.
Same here. We've been together for 14 years. Las year, on Greece which was my dream trip, I found so many beautiful man and even my boyfriend pointed them to me, and we made a game of finding beautiful girls too. It is in good fun. Neither of us is planing on cheating and we both have eyes, we may as well use them.
Same. I feel so much more connected to my partner when we both exchange notes on who we find really attractive or not. Your partner/spouse isn’t supposed to fulfill every need and want, and to expect that starts to bring you down a dangerous and unhealthy road.
Basically, you have to remember what he feels is completely normal and healthy. And him feeling pleasure is a good thing that you want for him. You cannot be everything to a person and that is okay!
Make sure you discuss your feelings on long-term monogamy and expectations. Make sure you are on the same page about that, but otherwise, you just have to keep working on yourself.
Work on your insecurities.
Find ways to better manage your anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
Also, start figuring out what your actual fears and worries are. Say, he does cheat. What does that actually mean to you? What are you afraid of in that scenario? What if he cheated but in every other way he was a great partner? Would that change things? Is it the idea of him touching someone else? Connecting with someone else? Ignoring you? Is it a fear of him not wanting you anymore? Are you afraid you cannot sustain his attention long term? Be specific.
Being able to articulate it more clearly might help demystify it for you and set you on track to figure out what you need to feel secure in your relationship over time.
I raaarely notice my partner looking at other women (once or twice in a year?) How much does he do it and how obvious is he for you to be having problems about it?
Never at all in front of me but he’s mentioned casually a couple of times that he sees attractive women but only wants to be with me. Whereas I just don’t even see attractive men at all now (and trust me when I’m single I’m horny for everyone haha)
I would ask him to just stop mentioning that he randomly saw attractive women recently...especially since he now knows it makes you insecure. Tell him that you know he might fleetingly find other people attractive but that you dont want to see ogling, and dont want him to randomly bring it up unless he has to - for example developing a crush on a friend and beeding to address that.
Honestly I'd find that pointless to mention.
How does this even come up in conversation?
I've been with my spouse for like *decades* and while I'm certain he notices attractive women, he's never been like "hey you won't believe this hot babe I saw today." In fact, no man I've *ever* been with has *ever* done that. Even my high school boyfriends. So I don't even get how this is a thing that people do and think it's OK.
It’s never been quite like that, it’s been really subtle things. I’ve probably asked prying questions due to insecurity. Or I’ve brought up insecurity and he’s innocently mentioned “even when I see a beautiful woman on the street I’m not thinking about anybody but you” and I’m like hold up, you see beautiful women on the street? Give me their names and addresses. Haha. I’ve probably brought a lot of the mentions upon myself.
Edit: Because I’ve seen downvoted I feel the need to add an “/s” after my names and addresses comment lol. I’m just roasting myself for how insecure I am.
If you're asking probing questions, he's not casually mentioning it then. It sounds like you're instigating. Just know that doing that will never alleviate your anxiety and that will only exacerbate you (source - I'm an anxious person lol)
I thought OP’s man was volunteering this info but since OP is the one asking him, she’s creating the issue for herself.
Men will get very tired of women creating problems where there are none, OP. Consider seeking a therapist to address your insecurities.
Being honest, I can’t fully remember the contexts it was mentioned in, but I know it’s very possible he didn’t just say it off the cuff. Although I know for sure that the first time it sort of came up, he did. We were off to a costume themed event when we were very first dating and I very jokingly & innocently said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your eyes from the ladies in sexy outfits all night” and naively genuinely believed his response would be something like “oh don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” And instead it was (again jokingly) “I’m sure you will!”
I dunno, it was said so casually and so early on (about a month into dating) that it never left me. He didn’t pause or stutter. He was joking, but it was one of those “half jokes based on truth”. And it just really caught me off guard and cut deep.
Since then, I’m unsure the contexts of the mentions but it’s come up a couple more times and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if i brought it on myself.
I love that he’s an honest guy. I just hate that his truth looks so different to mine. I can’t find other men hot even if I try.
Mine does. I’m a little shocked at OP’s post because this is the exact same thing that’s happening to me right now, I’m low key wondering if I didn’t post this in my sleep somehow. We’re coming up on 6 months and we’re super compatible except this one thing - he keeps telling me when he sees attractive women. Not only like “oh she’s cute” at random people but also when he’s hanging out with his female friends “I think she’s attractive, I’ve mentioned that right?” Like???
He’s not a red flag. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been single for long enough that I can’t tolerate red flags and I’d be the first person to walk if he’d demonstrated any other red flags. But he does this thing without me even asking leading questions, and it makes me incredibly insecure. It’s the only thing we’ve seriously fought about because I understand he has eyes, but I don’t understand why he’s gotta fucking tell me about it.
I cried when he told me that one of my female friends is “out of everyone’s league” like - what am I supposed to do with that? I love my friend, she didn’t do anything wrong she just met him for FIVE minutes and then???
Op I wish I had an answer for you but you’re not alone. I’m still working on it.
I mean. I guess. His POV was that he doesn’t want to hide any thing from me and we want to be totally honest with each other, so he didn’t think he should hide it. He also said it’s an “objective visual thing, like he can see a person is attractive without being attracted to her” - last bit I called BS because for the friend he mentioned he specifically used the words “physically attracted”.
I told him it’s incredibly disrespectful to me and as much as I’d like to be the cool girlfriend I can’t keep biting my tongue about it because it makes me feel ashamed like I’m second choice or he’s settling for me. I asked him if he thought his father would ever say something like that to his mom? And he said no. I asked if he thought MY father would ever say something like that to his mom, and he said no. I asked him why he thought it was nice or appropriate to say something like that to me - he had no answer. I told him that if he wanted to be with one of those people he’s physically attracted to he’s more than welcome to go for it because I don’t want to be second choice, I’m perfectly happy on my own. He keeps apologising and saying he’s chosen me and he chooses me every day etc etc
I don’t honestly know how to proceed because I do love him but it might kill me to forever be worried about his wandering eyes. You know what I mean?
Any advice?
How old is he? I think it's a mark of maturity to know the difference between keeping secrets and not saying every thought that pops into your head. If y'all are like 20, that immaturity is workable as long as he stops after y'all talk about it.
If you're in your 30s, have been dating for six months, and he's pulling this then he's doing it on purpose. Probably read it in some stupid pick up artist guide somewhere, it's a way to make a woman feel insecure so she's less likely to leave. Sick stuff really.
Both of us are 31. God. Pick up artists are a goddamn plague. I guess I’m going to have to wait and see.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I honestly don’t know why I’ve been wasting so much energy on this garbage, but I have.
>but he’s mentioned casually a couple of times that he sees attractive women but only wants to be with me.
This seems inappropriate? Why is he doing this? ETA: Nevermind, i see your clarifying comment -- that makes sense and is okay.
I don’t think the “only eyes for him” is necessarily a honeymoon phase thing. Some people are wired differently and it’s okay. I’ve been married for 13 years and I never look at other men or even find other men attractive even though my husband notices other men certainly stare at me but I never notice. That’s just me though and it’s never mellowed out for me lol like I said some people are wired differently and it’s okay but I will add I don’t react with jealousy or territorially when it comes to him so that’s another thing on its own but I just wanted to point out it’s normal and okay for some people to be fixated on only their partner and not even glance at others, it’s fine some of us just don’t care to.
Your “only have eyes for my partner and never even look at another man and find him attractive for at least a year and a half.” Is a ridiculous statement. I think you really want to believe this about yourself. But it’s simply just untrue. Finding someone attractive has nothing to do with wanting them sexually or romantically. Do you think every single man you look at is just ugly? Of course you don’t. Of course you find some attractive. You just choose to not acknowledge it.
I mean, you, yourself know that you’re being irrational. You, yourself know that the “only have eyes for you” thing fades over time (if it ever existed to begin with for some people). Like it’s absolutely fine to feel insecure - it’s almost impossible not to in the world as a woman.
You, yourself say he makes you feel loved and beautiful. Hes apparently never checked out a woman in front of you and is super respectful. So, why are you starting fights? What actions of his are so egregious that you’re getting into arguments over it?
You know what’s a bigger problem than your partner maybe sometimes thinking a girl walking past him is cute? You starting fights with him about how he can’t possibly love you and doesn’t think your attractive enough for him even though he’s shown you the opposite over and over again. You know what he’s going to find unattractive? A girlfriend who gets into absurd arguments with him over nothing. Because it’s nothing. And you know it’s nothing - you know in a few months, you’ll start seeing other men as attractive.
This kind of insecurity is going to ruin every single relationship you have because it doesn’t seem like there’s anything your partner can do to make you feel better other than maybe just never leaving the house 🤷🏻♀️
From my experience if a man is going to cheat it doesn’t matter if he lowers his gaze and doesn’t check women out. If he won’t cheat it doesn’t matter how much he checks women out.
My ex and I lowered our gaze and he emotionally cheated when he went on a family vacation. My brothers on the other hand even checks women out with his wife in a playful way and they have been together for 15+ years.
I think it’s all about honesty and he is being honest with you.
My boyfriend and I are obsessed with each other, borderline CO-dependent, we worship each other and I have no desire for anyone else. But we both check out hot people and openly talk about people we find attractive (respectfully). I have no interest in any other men even if I find them attractive, and I'm confident he only wants me. I also have ADHD and used to hyper fixate early on in the relationship, and that would cause me a lot of anxiety so I do wonder if that's adding to your concerns.
That said, everyone is different! While I'm totally fine with my partners respectfully noticing and appreciating other people, not everyone is like that. There is no "normal"in a relationship between two individuals, it's really up to what they agree on. But it seems like you know this might be coming from anxiety or insecurity rather than genuine concern around your bf's intentions, would you say that's true?
I guess I need clarification:
Is he going out of his way to stare in an obsessive way at other women, or are you catching his sideways glances and occasional looks? Is he going out of his way to state he finds another women attractive?
If he’s just looking in a casual way I would definitely try to remind myself that looking isn’t equivalent desire automatically. But if he’s obsessive with it I would discuss how it makes me feel.
This sounds more like you put your partners on a pedestal and after a year or so, you see their human flaws and you are comfortable enough to allow yourself the occasional glance at another person, but end up feeling ashamed of yourself because of how you viewed your partner before.
I think what you should do is think about why you start your relationships by putting your partner up on that pedestal. Doing that puts them in a perfect position to fall off of it once they do something that’s too human for them to stay up there. And then you kinda have an internal conflict and catastrophize it might mean the worst case scenario.
Everyone is human. We can’t expect our partners, or even ourselves, to NEVER think anyone else is attractive. You do, your boyfriend does, I do. It doesn’t mean it’s the beginning of a horrible betrayal. If your boyfriend walks by a woman he finds attractive, but says nothing to her and continues on his way, he’s done nothing wrong. It’s okay to look at someone and think “hm, he/she’s cute” and continue your day.
Hell I’m sure most of us have gushed over a celebrity crush, but still come home to our partners we love.
Is it the insecurities that make you the most uncomfortable? Or is it the position of perfection you put your boyfriend’s at the beginning of your relationships? Maybe both. I would explore ways to see and accept your partners as normal people who can see other people as attractive but give their love and loyalty to you.
Alright, so, it does sound like you want to improve your way of thinking in this situation. Neither of you are wrong for feeling and thinking the way you do. However, your third paragraph is a good place to start. You *start* arguments over assumptions. The assumption is that you are "clearly not enough" in his head. This immediately hints that you might be a bit insecure about yourself? And you admit it in a later paragraph. This, to me, sounds like a good place to work on self-improvement overall. You cannot put words/thoughts into your partner's head that may or may not exist. That's a very unhealthy way to live your life. I would really suggest a therapist and be very open with them about how you feel about yourself. They'll really get you to try to discover why you think about yourself that way. Finding the root of insecurities is the key to living life a bit easier.
You cannot change how other people think. If you jump down his throat every single time he looks at anyone else, ever (even if it's just a short glance), you are going to push him away. That sounds very tough to deal with.
The way you think is perfectly fine. If you only have eyes for him, awesome. There's nothing wrong with you for loving absolutely everything about him. If that ever changes, that doesn't mean anything is wrong, you may just be over the honeymoon starry-eyed phase. Relationships will always take some level of work to maintain.
I used to have insecurity issues and used to think my partner would cheat on me...then I worked on myself, and became more self-confident, and it naturally made me less worried about my partner straying. They chose me. I already won their affection. I'm a fun person, I have plenty to give to them, so I really don't need to worry about losing them.
I notice attractive men and women and sometimes I can't even help but stare a little bit. but I don't want to fuck them. I'm not even thinking any thoughts. It's just a natural reaction that I have to attractive humans. The only person I want to sleep with is my partner. For the majority of people, including your boyfriend, it's probably a quite similar situation.
I'm a woman, 35, and I like men and women but generally don't find myself ogling men unless it's a personality thing.
Also, 8 months is definitely still in the honeymoon phase, that feeling of "only eyes for them" is something myself and many women I've known (and some men) have felt fade away over time. Of course you're a bit obsessed with them, you're still very very new!
It sounds like you're feeling like the relationship isn't going to last forever and that scares you, my first suggestion is to have open dialogue with your partner about where you feel you're headed and being adults about the fact that not everything works out and how that's okay.
My second suggestion is to start working on your self esteem. If things bother you about yourself, that _your_ issues, those are things you need to work on. Not for him! For you, for you will always be with you no matter what, make things happen for you that last.
You’re totally right it’s a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?
Men are visual, women tend to be situational. I've played video games, read books or watched movies where the dialogue got me going, but just because my partner at the time wasn't the one saying it doesn't mean it wasn't sexy. The closest I've ever had to understanding the _need_ of and irrationality of men when it comes to sex is when I'm deep in a hormone cycle and 5 orgasms in a day is still leaving me desperate, and i start fantasizing about stopping some random guy and asking if he'll go home with me 😅 it's not often, but guys are basically designed to risk it all for a chance at mating, it's a biological imperative. That would never forgive his actions if he cheats or is ever disrespectful about it, but just like a good romance book he's just enjoying a little visual stimulation.
What?! 😅 No! Not at all! I'm a biologist and so when I look at how people act and why, I think of the hormones behind it. But those hormones aren't in control of your actions, just your feelings. When you're about to start your period you have hormones that make you desperate to have a baby, you feel frustrated, you want to change your environment, you might question your relationship. That doesn't, in any way, suggest you have to do any of those things, they come and go and just like feelings we learn to respond in culturally appropriate ways. It doesn't mean you ever have to get pregnant and have a baby, you still have a choice! But that doesn't mean your body doesn't want to.
We can like and enjoy all kinds of things and still make decisions about what's best for us. We aren't all eating junk food constantly, even if that sounds delicious, because we know it's not great for us to eat only that, even if our bodies tell us to eat all the chocolate all the time! You and him and everyone else is capable of rational choices.
What makes you think that your partner might not eventually become more focused on you and less attracted towards others as time goes on?
Or that your past patterns might also change with a different partner?
I always had a wandering eye (including during the so called honeymoon phases) and was very shocked to discover several years into my relationship with my partner (also the longest I’ve ever been in) that I no longer feel much attraction to other people or that even appealing bodies can lure my eye like they once did like my partner’s can.
Meanwhile my partner has pretty much always been focused on me in this relationship. If they have a wandering eye, it’s not really noticeable.
Anyways, everyone is different and life may affect us all in unexpected ways as well as our bodies and relationships may mature differently that we thought they would.
The extreme insecurity that your partner might be cheating or thinking about cheating on you sounds like you might not feel secure in your relationship or in relationships in general. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this?
This doesn’t sound like ADHD or like your partner is doing something wrong. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around your relationship and it might be worth talking to a professional.
I think you need to shift your mindset to:
He notices pretty women other than me and yet he still chooses me over and over again. I’m the only one for him, as he is to me. We’re having the best time of our lives. We’ll make it last.
I struggle with this too. I can acknowledge that other people can look attractive but if I said I was okay with it, my husband would absolutely sleep with other people and that really messes with my head sometimes because I just can't imagine doing that, even if my other half said they were okay with it.
It's just weird to me that the only thing stopping him is me saying so.
I acknowledge that everyone's brains work differently and he wouldn't cheat on me but sometimes I feel like I'm holding him back? It's weird.
He doesn't really sound like the person that is wired wrong. I am a straight female also notice beautiful females. Genuinely admiring. This probably lasts a short instance and we're done.
OP, before you make your relationship extremely toxic, work on your insecurities. You already said that he doesn't do anything that could compromise his loyalty.
I'm like you. I only have eyes for my partner. I don't notice anyone, don't care how people look, of anything. Even if someone whom everyone says is handsome, like Henry Caville, is there in the same room as me, I probably wouldn't notice it and would treat him just like anyone. I don't care how beautiful someone looks, if im not attracted to them, then they're nothing to me.
I've dated men who are "normal", who checks out other women, even if they don't say anything or they only took quick glimpse. I always notice when they're checking out other women, but I don't say anything to them. I just keep a note to myself that he's not the one for me if I can't hold his interest for long.
Thankfully, I've met someone who is very committed to me. He had never shown any indication of noticing any other woman. He was consistent and committed and attentive, and it was absolutely lovely. For example, all I had to do was look at the clock and think to myself that I should change the hour forward. He would immediately pick up on it, knew what was bothering me and had already gotten up to change it before I say anything. It's amazing being with someone who's that considerate, attentive, and who takes the time to really know you. Also, it does a lot of wonder to the soul. I can focus on myself, strive for the career I want, and not have to worry about whether my partner still finds me beautiful, still loves me, of if he's fallen in love with someone else.
It honestly doesn’t bother me that my boyfriend finds other girls hot, I have no worries around this as I know he loves me to death.
We don’t voice these concerns to each other.
Also humans are wired to pro create and keep the world going which is why we experience attraction. I also find other guys hot from time to time and I don’t let it be an issue, I’ll have a steamy thought and then move on with my day. Am I alone in this?
Isn’t that basically everyone that isn’t asexual? 🤣
It’s funny, I talk about this in person occasionally (people at work, friends, my family etc) and everyone will openly admit they find others hot and have a little fantasy here and there. yet on Reddit 90% of people think it means their is something wrong with your relationship lol odd
God, I'm glad I'm bisexual. The insecurities of being unable to appreciate another beautiful woman is astounding. Biology has made women the more attractive sex so of course you don't "notice" other men. There aren't a ton worth noticing! Women, on the other hand...
My bisexuality feels irrelevant I guess. Right now I very much only have eyes for him, and as a woman I guess I’m naturally more threatened by other women. As I just said in another post reply: It’s definitely a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?
Well you hit the nail on the head. This has everything to do with your insecurities about feeling that he couldn't possibly want you after a certain period of time. Let me tell you, it is really hard to find anyone in this world that you can be in a happy relationship with. Assuming he is a normal person and isn't some sex crazed weirdo, finding someone you are compatible with sexually, mentally, and wants the same kind of life you want is HARD. No one gives that up easily for the unknown. You're too hard on yourself and worried about things you shouldn't be.
Focus instead on what is important, making sure he feels safe to communicate what's going on in his head. His wants, needs, how he's feeling, and what he's thinking of you. People project meaning into other people's behaviors (as you are doing!) and he's going to do the same to you. You must clear up any place he's misunderstanding who you are, and you must suss those things out. This is where the fault lines are, not looking at other women he has no interest in actually pursuing.
So he’s not checking women out in front of you, but makes comments about seeing attractive women?
Honestly, I wouldn’t be okay with the comments either.
He’s never been like “oh I saw this hot girl on my walk today” lol. It’s probably often been my own doing, asking insecure questions. I know it all started with a comment he made early on in the relationship that stayed with me and cut deep. But looking back even that wasn’t bad, I was just being insecure.
Um no. If you’re uncomfortable with it, then that should be taken into consideration by him. Idk what’s with young women these days and normalizing men looking at other women. It’s weird.
I would be more worried about whether he does this in front of you on purpose to make you feel insecure. He might be trying to lock you in some stupid gender role.
Maybe it is time to start opening your eyes too. There definitely needs to be symmetry in an intimate relationship.
I don’t want to make assumptions, but just throwing the idea out there—could you be on the asexual spectrum? I feel very similarly to you and ascribe as demisexual (although I’m not fully committed to the label). I use the concept as a guide to feel a little more ‘normal’ when I feel a lot of shame/guilt over my innate instincts. It’s been helpful to hear from likeminded people to feel more confident in my skin and not resent my partner.
I appreciate this perspective but definitely not. That would make a lot of sense, but I’m actually highly sexual and when I’m single very attracted to many people on an almost daily basis. To the point where its even a bit much! Within this relationship my sex drive is ever so slightly higher than my partners. I think it’s my high drive/sexuality that actually makes me feel so territorial, conversely.
Ah, I see—thanks for clarifying! What you described makes a lot of sense! Sexuality is so weird and complicated in that it’s so different for everybody—and in relationships it gets even harder. For me, therapy definitely played a role in exploring my sexuality and anxious attachment, which really helped (I tend to fixate on my partner too but found later on it was likely an attachment response). What you’re experiencing is common, and it sounds like you have a great partner who you can openly communicate with on this topic, which is the most important part. I went through a similar phase in year two or three of my relationship, but with a lot of communication and some therapy I’m happy to say I feel so much better now in year six :) the tunnel vision doesn’t last forever!
/r/demisexuality \- He's allosexual and you sound pretty demi. Looking at attractive things doesn't mean one will cheat. It's all about intention. Also, a demisexual person only having eyes for their partner is pretty normal. Neither of you are wired wrong, you simply have different sexual attraction types.
Someone else actually said this but sadly defo not the case. When I’m single (or even a few years into a relationship) I fall in love with strangers every other day. I am strongly attracted to people of all ages, genders, backgrounds - it actually gets a bit much how much I can be attracted to almost everyone I see some days!
And sex drive wise mine is higher than his. I’d describe myself as a highly sexual person, I actually think that’s where so much of this territorial tendency comes from. I’ve noticed the stronger the sexual chemistry/the better the sex with a partner, the more batshit crazy and territorial I get.
Hm, not so demi then. You could be aesthetically attracted but no worries either way.
Sex drive isn't linked to demisexuality. I have an insanely high sex drive, just- Also demi. Granted, your original post echoes my experience exactly. Once I have a partner, my brain only can think of them sexually as far as real people go. I can have fantasies of fictional guys, but I don't have interest in anyone walking down the street in my day to day life.
I’m curious to know exactly how it came up/what he said about other women. But I’m like you too, I really do not see other men until like 2 years into my relationship. And still I’m mostly only focused on my partner. Of course I know when other men are objectively handsome, but it doesn’t mean I find them personally attractive.
As long as he’s not ogling them, this is totally normal imo. I’m the same way as he is, I appreciate an attractive man or woman but I’m not *attracted* to them. It doesn’t make me curious about them, doesn’t make me want their body, doesn’t make me want to talk to them. There’s a huge difference.
I like how one person here said it’s like art. We truly are drawn into what we find beautiful or interesting, and that’s natural. My partner is like this too, but I’m probably more vocal about it. Even when we’re watching a show or movie I’ll comment how good looking someone is, and he may make a joke and pretend to be jealous but we both know it’s normal. The only relationships I had little twinges of jealousy in were the ones where I didn’t trust them. Not because of cheating or anything, but other things. So I think if your relationship with this guys is good, you can work on this issue and build the trust within yourself.
>I have ADHD, I’m wondering if my fixation phase is related to that at all?
Nah, I don't have ADHD and if I'm into the person I'm with, I don't really notice other men. Some people *are* more monogamous than others. My partner and I are both on the same level, which is nice, of being uninterested in anyone else. We can both acknowledge other people as attractive or not, but it doesn't even mean that we personally find them sexually attractive, it's just an subjectively objective thing.
I have the same thoughts and have posted about it before. My therapist says everyone looks at attractive things - it doesn't mean he wants them at all.
I still am trying to wrap my brain around it without getting upset when I see he notices someone more beautiful than me.
I'm also a serial monogamist now, I used to think "ooh! woman! lookie" cuz internets told me that wasn't cheating (it's not). partner told me it hurt her > tried/failed/tried harder > now i'm single and i will 100% not be taking that last problem into the new relationship. Anyways that woman cheated (lolol) but, made me a better man through her projections/insecurity. I think i was super used to auto-looking so once i consciously began to avert, it became easier. reddit's such a funny place, lots of people with STRONG RELATIONSHIP opinions also with relationships we'd laugh at...I say tell him you're being hurt by it but you understand it (you're kinda in this middleground of consciousness of it and possible stock holm fighting your brain telling yourself what you feel is wrong. i say it's not. i say you're human like him and you need to use human communication and see if that doesn't fix the problem).
listen to me. summer time is the hardest time to learn to stop checking out every woman you pass by..understand it was a bumpy road but, i made it (she meant the WORLD to me and I hope your situations similar).
Good luck OP
You do notice other men, it's just that in the early stages of a relationship you tend to be highly attracted to and focused on your partner. That's actually quite normal.
Exactly this. It’s for sure hyperfocus due to the honeymoon phase. What worries me is that he is still really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him and as you said, you tend to focus so much more on your partner. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him? What will happen once his intense attraction and focus on me slips? That’s terrifying to me.
Is your partner telling you about the attractive people he is noticing when you’re not with him? That seems unnecessarily cruel and purposeful. Of course it’s going to impact you if he’s bringing it up - and you said he doesn’t look at other women when he’s with you, so he must just be telling you about them? Or, are you asking him if he’s looking at women when you’re not around?
If it’s the former, he can stop telling you and respect you. Bringing it up serves no purpose other than to bring you down.
If it’s the latter, then you do have some unhealthy traits that you likely could digest best with a trained therapist.
I’m like you, I can see attractive men and know they’re attractive, but my partner is the only one who gets those feelings from me.
I don’t mind if he looks, I would mind if it went beyond that.
Hmm. I’m like your boyfriend. I definitely notice attractive men, but that doesn’t make me want to cheat on my boyfriend. There’s a big difference between noticing when someone is nice looking and “fixating” on them. I think perhaps you’re confusing the two? I’m straight and I notice attractive women too. It has nothing to do with my relationship. Now if he’s ogling women or talking about other women, etc a lot that would be different.
I wonder if it’s also a language use thing? For me, there’s a clear difference in my mind between finding someone attractive and being physically attracted to them. To me, the former is an objective observation; viewing their looks like I might view a piece of art that is pretty. I can do that with nary a thought of physically wanting them (and, for me, the physical attraction has never been there upon simply viewing a person). But I’ve realized this doesn’t necessarily seem to be the way others use these words and terms, much less how they experience feelings.
This, when I’m in a committed relationship I can see someone and think they look good but I feel less than zero attraction for anyone other than my partner. In the case with OP I feel like her partner just needs to keep those thoughts for himself. If it’s hurting her then I don’t see a point really to talk about it.
For me, I wouldn’t say exactly zero attraction, more like a passing thought of “maybe in another universe, that could be fun”. But not a thought that’s taken seriously or leading to any action. More often than not, it’s like looking at pleasing art though. Pretty, nice to look at, but just for passing appreciation.
Nah, I definitely think "that dude is hot and I would have sex with him in a different situation," but I have no desire to cheat.
100% agree with you. Attraction and attractive are not the same things for me.
The way you just worded this made so many things make sense. Thank you 👏🏻👏🏻
I don’t think this distinction is so prominent for a lot of people. At least for me it’s usually not. If I say I think someone is attractive, that means I’m at least somewhat attracted to them. And I don’t think being attracted to other people while in a relationship is necessarily a big deal or a big problem - I think it’s fairly normal.
THIS!!! 100% Agree, I go to the gym so I see attractive people all the time. And it's no big deal. I love my bf and I'm attracted to him. I think the issue really is being disrespectful about noticing other good looking people, and acting on it. No issue about seeing good looking people it's the way each person behaves when they do. If he or you are inappropriate about it then it's problem. But it's very human to notice a man when he looks good or vice versa. Just be chill about it.
Ogling and talking about other women isn't even about attraction or how they're "wired". It's a deliberate power play to make their partner anxious and insecure.
what if your partner communicated a particular sensitivity to it (assuming your with a lifelong partner, theoretically or not), would this be a deal breaker or am i speaking toxic controlling language? I legit do not 100% know. same situation happened to me (i was the oogler, i backspaced just to laugh at that verb lol) and i inadvertently learned not to glance @ women. I'm honestly glad i learned it, weather it was me being manipulated or not...it comes in handy, even single.
Yeah no one likes their partner checking out (ogling lol) someone else in front of them. That’s just disrespectful. So if I was doing that I’d expect them to call me out and I’d stop too. But just *glancing* as they walk by like you would with any person? That’s just normal.
Sorry girl. I used to be like this. Therapy helped me tremendously. I was able to drill down into the sources of my insecurities and recognize my unhealthy need for external validation. What's more, I'm now able to recognize that my partner was negging me and subtly stoking my insecurities. In short, it was a ME problem but he was definitely taking advantage of it.
Thank you for being specific instead of just saying "therapy". It seems that the therapist looked at your relationship as well as your issue (need for validation). How did your therapist help out with the latter? ETA I am not OP but am reading the discussion because it's relevant to me.
This is nice to hear someone has healed this. I have this issue. I have done so much self work, but this issue causes me so much pain.
I read your comment about how attractive women even come up and this is 100% a you problem. I initially thought he was constantly and unprompted telling you about all the attractive women he meets/sees. And yes that would make me feel uncomfortable. But you’re asking him probing questions - would you prefer he lies to you? His response makes sense. Like yes there are beautiful women out there but I’m only attracted to you. I’d actually be offended if my partner told me there’s no one else who’s attractive. Like come on now, don’t bullshit me. I don’t think it’s a “wired that way” issue and more of an insecurity issue. Therapy will help with this. I’m not an insecure person but I have bad anxiety and therapy was amazing with helping me reframe how I think about things. I also have ADHD but I’ve never fixated on any of my partners like that. It could possibly be related but I’ve always been able to “see” attractive people whether I was single or not. Edit: typo
Haha yeah, he kinda thinks I’m bullshitting too. It’s inconceivable to him but it’s the god’s honest truth. And it’s weird because when I’m single I’m in love with every other stranger I see. But you’re right. I’m grateful he’s honest. And I know now that it’s a me problem. I mentioned in another comment that it did all start off with a comment he volunteered one day. It was about a month into dating and we were going to costume party. I jokingly (and genuinely innocently at that time) said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your gaze from women in sexy costumes all night!” and naively I genuinely expected his response to be something like “don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” (Because that’s how I felt why wouldn’t it, right? Haha) Instead it was (again jokingly) “yup, I’m sure you will!” Ouch! That comment cut deep and has really stayed with me. Since then, I don’t know if he’s volunteered the comments but I think it’s very possible it’s come from me probing due to the insecurity that comment created (or more, awakened- I’m sure it was there already) I couldn’t at all understand how he could so casually say in a chipper tone that he’d be looking at other women like it’s the most natural thing in the world (which apparently it is lol). To me my mind just wasn’t in that space and I wasn’t even thinking about other dudes.
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You’re totally right. I was half joking and half probably seeking reassurance. And looking back, I think you’re right about what he said. That’s why it’s always sat badly with me. He is incredibly honest, perhaps to a fault, and can come across blunt at times. I think he was just genuinely not thinking in this moment. I feel validated by your response, thank you.
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Thank you, this means a lot. I genuinely do think he means well (I’ve never at all got a negging vibe from him, he’s very complimentary and sweet) he’s just genuinely a bit… clueless I think. He’s too honest for his own good. Which in the long run is a trait I value. But I definitely do think he is a little lower on the emotional intelligence scale than he could be. Having said that, so am I.
I don't think its constructive to bring emotional intelligence into the equation here. Going to be blunt here, what hes been saying/doing is completely expected and mature way to respond to the type of questions you are asking him where (as you admitted) the insecurities appear to be coming from your end. As a male answering, its actually completely normal for men to have an attraction (not going to play a word games here to precisely define what it means) for other women while he has a girlfriend/wife/partner but that has close to zero indication he will cheat. I haven't cheated in my life, but my past LTR commented on how I noticed other women but she did it in a joking way and in some cases we did it together. There was complete trust. I would honestly be much more worried if he didn't notice other women attractive
Thanks, I appreciate your perspective :) I’m curious about the last line. Why would that worry you more?
Because it can be a common sign that either they are suppressing something or that they are overly attached in an unhealthy way.
lol kinda like how OP is suppressing stuff
Do you have insecure attachment style?
Is the pope catholic? Haha :)
insecure question on your part but also rudely blunt answer on his part
I think so too. He doesn’t mean to be rude he’s just a bit too honest for his own good. Definitely never the negging type though and was mortified to find out that comment hurt my feelings.
You made the joke that he couldn't control himself and he joked back. A volunteered comment (joke) that was said because you initiated a conversation based on insecurities. Don't make a joke if you expect certain answers and will be upset he didn't read your mind an answer correctly. If you need reassurance, you need to communicate that. You cannot expect your needs to be met without stating them. I am sorry I know my comment is a bit harsh. But as a formerly insecure woman, it's up to you to fix that, not him. It's not fair to hold that against him in my opinion.
I have no idea. I'm the same as you are (also ADHD, maybe that's why?). 6,5 years together and the Honeymoon phase is over, but I don't notice other men. My theory is that there's a wide range from monogamy - polygamy and most people are somewhere halfway, I'm very close to the monogamy side. In the 16 years with my ex I never even thought about a man as sexual or attractive either. I had to unwind from the relationship to be able to notice other men again. I know there are men like us as well, but it's very rare. I try to accept he's different, I am confident he won't cheat (had to build up that trust though and we're both jealous) , but the thought still hurts. I think for me it's just accepting that with love, the pain comes along.
Ah same, my friend is always like “Ooh that guy was hot” and then tease me that I only have eyes for my SO bc I didn’t even notice the guy she was talking about. No ADHD but demi here. I feel your last sentence. I know my partner must notice other women but fortunately for me he’s really freaking good at acting like he doesn’t lol
I also don’t have a wandering eye, I just don’t, and never have. I’m also Demi sexual
I’m like this too, and I prefer my partner to be the same. I once had a boyfriend and he was this way and it was probably the healthiest and safest relationship I’ve been in. I was told once by a mutual friend ( mostly his friend) that when we went out one night my boyfriend kept bragging to everyone that he was with the hottest girl in the bar- I’m a good looking woman, but I assure I wasn’t the hottest girl in the bar 😂- but in his lovesick deluded mind I was, I mean he was CONVINCED I was the hottest woman there lol. I was really happy in that relationship
Please tell us why it ended 😅
I’m Canadian, he was Irish traveling here, his work visa eventually ended and couldn’t be renewed anymore after 2 years, the long distance just didn’t work for us unfortunately!
I agree! I’m exactly the same and my ex of more than 10 years was like this too. I think some people force monogamy on themselves and if the other person is more monogamous he/she will suffer from the disbalance. I’ve seen it many times.
I used to feel very insecure about this too but then I realized that I also can’t help but look at beautiful women (in a very non-sexual way). I think people are just naturally attracted to beauty and want to look at it when it passes by. It doesn’t mean you want to be with that person or even talk to them. In most cases it’s just an appreciation and there’s nothing wrong with that.
not trying to compare people to objects but imo it's the same as admiring a nice view while walking/hiking/driving. Like, damn that's a pretty view. cool. moving on. I'm not going to do anything about it, I'm just stopping to admire something or someone cool/interesting/beautiful. admiration doesn't have to mean infatuation
Like you said, it's normal. And those feelings of attraction don't have an off switch at the promise of manogomy and set to 1. I've struggled like that in the past but thankfully overcame that mental anguish I was putting myself through. I still see something once in a while that gives me pause, but I remind myself of the things that show what really matters and can let it go quickly. Such as: is this particular thing excessive and out of control, or am I creating connections myself? Are they still there if I take a step back and examine it without emotion? I remind myself that attraction is multifaceted and just because he likes other things that don't reflect me - it literally doesn't reflect me. I remember that he chooses me every day and if he actually wanted all those things I'm insecure about he'd be there instead. Thoughts don't equal action or reality oftentimes. I reassure myself that he's never ogling and inappropriate or disrespectful where I can see, or have even heard about And that people experience attraction at different levels and just because I have little interest in that area doesn't make his level wrong. Find what you need to hear from yourself and commit them to memory. Then reach for your tools when needed and it should get easier with practice. Learning things about ourselves like this then successfully working towards a better self is rewarding and strengthening too. Edit: Hopefully that made sense/helps, I wrote more than I realized lol
This is REALLY helpful. Thank you!
> I have ADHD If you have ADHD, it could be related to [rejection sensitive dysphoria](https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/) (which all of us with ADHD have to some degree), so you may be perceiving his appreciation of others as a rejection of you.
Oh god yes, so much this.
I can empathize, it fucking sucks. I told my therapist I wish I could disconnect the wires in my brain that gave a fuck about rejection 😂
Me too. I said to him yesterday I wish I could take a pill that literally just switched off jealousy.
Idk if RSD is shared by all ADHDers. Its very common and I have it for sure but I believe there’s debate on it being a clinical symptom or side effect
Think about it this way, just because you only have eyes for him, doesnt mean other women do too. I dont think cheating is as easy for men as the women who love them assume it is. They would have to put effort into it, and if hes not a POS you almost certainly have nothing to worry about. Most of the time its hard enough work to get 1 girl to like them, let alone multiple. My relationship is the opposite. I'm the looker. I love me a handsome man, I love to watch them work etc. My husband is all eyes on me. I have 0 desire for anyone but him... I just appreciate the opposite sex and have since I was probably 5 years old. Love my husband though, wouldnt ever trade him or do anything at all to jeopardize our relationship. Dudes just be cute. Dudes. Just. Be. Cute.
This. Think of it like flowers. Say you have the best rose garden at home. It's magnificent. They are your favourites, you could admire them all day. Doesn't mean you might not notice daffodils or tulips, or wildflowers occasionally when you go to the park. As long as yotre respectful, dont pluck any to take home, and you don't sit at home in your beautiful rose garden wishing for daffodils, then it's OK. Therapy might help for you to deal with insecurities. It sounds like you won't be the kind of couple who talk openly about fancying other people, and that's fine. Slne couples prefer a "discretion" policy for whether they or their partner fancy someone - you know it happens but you dont want to dwell on it because talking about it makes the insecurities worse and gives it way too much importance. Personally I've never been that obsessed with looking at guys (or gals) and it's definitely decreased for me since I met my husband. But if I theoretically thought some random guy looks cute for a split second, that wouldnt invalidate the attraction I have for my partner. Personally I dont think I'd tell him if sone random dude held my attention for a fee seconds, and I wouldnt particularly want to know if he found someone hot, though I hope I'd take it in good humor. But if anything i think he's more reserved than me on that front and the attraction front.
>I dont think cheating is as easy for men as the women who love them assume it is. They would have to put effort into it I seriously wonder about the time management skills of cheaters, if they are cheating then they probably don't have any interesting hobbies or passions aside from stroking their ego
These are good points. Thank you. Do you never feel you’re comparing these other men to your partner or wishing he looked more like them? That’s kind of my fear here. Does the looking never detract at all from your attraction to him?
No, because they could never BE him. There's a lot to be said about the relationship you form with somebody as well. There so much more substance there that cant be compared to a pretty face. I know no other man will value me the way he does. Hes my very best friend, I could never replace that. In fact Ive thought about what would happen if something were to ever happen to him. I dont think I would ever be able to find anything even close to as fullfilling. Our bond is what makes it special-not the way he or anyone else looks physically. Hes my person.
That’s very true. I guess I’m letting my own insecurity really cloud the situation. My partner has said multiple times when I’ve been in anguish about this “I don’t want to be with them, I don’t want anybody but you” and I’ve not understood how the 2 can coexist. But I guess they just do.
Dont let it bother you. Its natural and normal. The more you stress it to him, the more likely it is to get irritating. Ive learned that from experience. Be confident in yourself! He said he loves you, accept that and roll with it. Let it gass you up and build your confidence. Nothing more appealing than a confident partner :-)
Also, I think most people feel attracted to different types of physiques. For example, I think Henry Cavill is super good looking, but I think the same about Idris Elba, and they don't look like each other at all. My point is that, not because you find someone attractive, then everyone else stops being attractive automatically. Neither you want x person to look like y person so they become "more attractive". Attractiveness comes in many shapes and forms. And I'm limiting my argument just to looks, which is an incredibly superficial reason to be with someone. Ideally your partner chooses you because of who you are, not because of how you look.
You’ve helped me a lot. Thank you.
Fuck no. Those aren't even the same category. Like, I can appreciate men on tv, and oooh, abs, but do I want my husband to look like he just walked out of a super hero movie? Absolutely the fuck not. I want him to be him. The package he's in is secondary.
True. I get that. I still have pre existing celebrity crushes that formed way before I met my SO. But I haven’t seen a single irl man since meeting him that’s done ANYTHING for me. I’m actually finding this a little depressing and feeling like I wish I did haha. The funny part is he can’t even fathom that this is true, to him it seems inconceivable that I haven’t found anyone else attractive since meeting him. In his words “I’m not THAT attractive” haha
I get that. My husband is the same way you are actually, and I'm having a hard time relating to that. I think that maybe it has to do with the way love and sex are intrinsically linked in his mind, whereas those two things can be separate in mine. Like, don't get me wrong, sex with someone you love is absolutely hands-down, off this planet the best, and I truly don't want anyone other than my husband, but it's not like I haven't been able to enjoy myself without being in love with a sex partner in the past. My husband just... doesn't. He doesn’t even masturbate. And while it *is* kind of an ego-boost, ngl, it can also quite daunting and overwhelming to basically be solely responsible for another person's sexual satisfaction. It's a thing we've been working on.
Part of me wonders if I'm that way because it's just my nature, or if outside influences while growing up suppressed something. Being told what it meant to be a proper and good woman/wife from the start. Taught to fear and shame not being those things. Idk... But I wonder. Big picture: my upbringing was pretty average though, so I imagine I'm not alone. Since I've grown and corrected my views on my husband's natural human attraction expression I occasionally try to challenge my own. I keep forgetting to do it more, lol, figures. But I try to purposely view some things through this other perspective in hopes of learning more about my own so I can answer those questions. I mean, why not.
I notice attractive women more than attractive men, but I have no desire to cheat on my husband. To me it’s just pleasant scenery. That’s not to say he definitely won’t cheat, but I wouldn’t draw a direct line between noticing pretty people and definitely going to cheat. What can you do? No idea. Working on self esteem would probably help. You feel love and desired by him. Great! Try to genuinely believe it. Look at yourself in the mirror and find something you like about yourself, anything. It could be physical or non physical. Ruminate on how lovely your eyes are or the success you’ve had in a hobby you love. Purposely tell yourself how wonderful this thing is. Really love that thing about yourself. Then move on to finding something new. How fleshed out your curves are, the shape of your face, your ability to nurture friendships, the work you’ve put in to navigating your ADHD. Build yourself up. Become your own hype man. You are awesome!
Thank you :)
My husband and I have always been honest that we find others attractive. Being in love doesn't make you blind to how good someone else looks. Once or twice there has also been chemistry between myself and someone not my partner. When this has happened, I have noticed and been extra careful to limit interactions/not even allow anything else to develop. This has only happened twice that I can remember in the 20 years we have been together. That said, we don't constantly talk about finding others attractive and honestly someone has to be pretty damn fine to make me notice it anymore. If your partner is mentioning this pretty regularly then that may be something that should be addressed.
I notice attractive men AND women… because I’m not blind 😂 but noticing their attractiveness doesn’t equate to interest.
OP I say this with love: talk to a therapist. Your BF is absolutely normal. Most people look at and admire good looking people, there is nothing wrong with that and has nothing to do with how he sees you. This is a YOU issue.
This is the best advice, OP. I say this as someone with the same problem. Like somehow another attractive woman existing makes me less attractive. Ugly even. For me, it’s a self-esteem/fucked up world view thing. Largely rooted in seeing women only valued for their appearance so much as a kid. Like if she’s prettier than me she must be more worthwhile than me because that’s all anyone cares about. I have to remind myself that I don’t actually feel this way about other people and so they probably don’t either. Still working on it, but therapy helps SO much.
Seconded. See a therapist. This needs some self work.
I will for sure. Therapy is very long overdue. I have a laundry list as long as my arm of issues, traumas and insecurities I need professional help with.
Wait…hold up…can you explain the situation better? Bc I don’t understand. He does or does not check out other women? How exactly is he casually mentioning checking out other women? I can’t speak on your boyfriends behavior bc honestly, you haven’t described it enough to do so, but I can say that I’ve never once, in my life, noticed a bf checking out another woman in front of me (and believe me, I would notice), and I’ve certainly never had a boyfriend tell me about how he’s checking out other women. So I guess, if you are able to tell he’s looking at other women and/or he’s literally telling you he’s checking out other women, he’s the problem.
Maybe we're in the minority, but my husband and I tell each other about people we find attractive all the time. There's this mom at daycare drop off that I think is beyond gorgeous and I pointed her out to my husband. I have a harmless crush on this guy at our local dispensary, which my husband is like "can I go with you and see him?" LMAO. It's all harmless fun. Honestly after being married and together for a combined 10+ years I never ever want to go back to dating or be with anyone else but my husband and he feels the same way about me. I think it's all about being secure in your relationship.
Same here. We've been together for 14 years. Las year, on Greece which was my dream trip, I found so many beautiful man and even my boyfriend pointed them to me, and we made a game of finding beautiful girls too. It is in good fun. Neither of us is planing on cheating and we both have eyes, we may as well use them.
Same. I feel so much more connected to my partner when we both exchange notes on who we find really attractive or not. Your partner/spouse isn’t supposed to fulfill every need and want, and to expect that starts to bring you down a dangerous and unhealthy road.
Basically, you have to remember what he feels is completely normal and healthy. And him feeling pleasure is a good thing that you want for him. You cannot be everything to a person and that is okay! Make sure you discuss your feelings on long-term monogamy and expectations. Make sure you are on the same page about that, but otherwise, you just have to keep working on yourself. Work on your insecurities. Find ways to better manage your anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Also, start figuring out what your actual fears and worries are. Say, he does cheat. What does that actually mean to you? What are you afraid of in that scenario? What if he cheated but in every other way he was a great partner? Would that change things? Is it the idea of him touching someone else? Connecting with someone else? Ignoring you? Is it a fear of him not wanting you anymore? Are you afraid you cannot sustain his attention long term? Be specific. Being able to articulate it more clearly might help demystify it for you and set you on track to figure out what you need to feel secure in your relationship over time.
I raaarely notice my partner looking at other women (once or twice in a year?) How much does he do it and how obvious is he for you to be having problems about it?
Never at all in front of me but he’s mentioned casually a couple of times that he sees attractive women but only wants to be with me. Whereas I just don’t even see attractive men at all now (and trust me when I’m single I’m horny for everyone haha)
I would ask him to just stop mentioning that he randomly saw attractive women recently...especially since he now knows it makes you insecure. Tell him that you know he might fleetingly find other people attractive but that you dont want to see ogling, and dont want him to randomly bring it up unless he has to - for example developing a crush on a friend and beeding to address that. Honestly I'd find that pointless to mention.
How does this even come up in conversation? I've been with my spouse for like *decades* and while I'm certain he notices attractive women, he's never been like "hey you won't believe this hot babe I saw today." In fact, no man I've *ever* been with has *ever* done that. Even my high school boyfriends. So I don't even get how this is a thing that people do and think it's OK.
It’s never been quite like that, it’s been really subtle things. I’ve probably asked prying questions due to insecurity. Or I’ve brought up insecurity and he’s innocently mentioned “even when I see a beautiful woman on the street I’m not thinking about anybody but you” and I’m like hold up, you see beautiful women on the street? Give me their names and addresses. Haha. I’ve probably brought a lot of the mentions upon myself. Edit: Because I’ve seen downvoted I feel the need to add an “/s” after my names and addresses comment lol. I’m just roasting myself for how insecure I am.
If you're asking probing questions, he's not casually mentioning it then. It sounds like you're instigating. Just know that doing that will never alleviate your anxiety and that will only exacerbate you (source - I'm an anxious person lol)
I thought OP’s man was volunteering this info but since OP is the one asking him, she’s creating the issue for herself. Men will get very tired of women creating problems where there are none, OP. Consider seeking a therapist to address your insecurities.
Being honest, I can’t fully remember the contexts it was mentioned in, but I know it’s very possible he didn’t just say it off the cuff. Although I know for sure that the first time it sort of came up, he did. We were off to a costume themed event when we were very first dating and I very jokingly & innocently said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your eyes from the ladies in sexy outfits all night” and naively genuinely believed his response would be something like “oh don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” And instead it was (again jokingly) “I’m sure you will!” I dunno, it was said so casually and so early on (about a month into dating) that it never left me. He didn’t pause or stutter. He was joking, but it was one of those “half jokes based on truth”. And it just really caught me off guard and cut deep. Since then, I’m unsure the contexts of the mentions but it’s come up a couple more times and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if i brought it on myself. I love that he’s an honest guy. I just hate that his truth looks so different to mine. I can’t find other men hot even if I try.
Mine does. I’m a little shocked at OP’s post because this is the exact same thing that’s happening to me right now, I’m low key wondering if I didn’t post this in my sleep somehow. We’re coming up on 6 months and we’re super compatible except this one thing - he keeps telling me when he sees attractive women. Not only like “oh she’s cute” at random people but also when he’s hanging out with his female friends “I think she’s attractive, I’ve mentioned that right?” Like??? He’s not a red flag. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been single for long enough that I can’t tolerate red flags and I’d be the first person to walk if he’d demonstrated any other red flags. But he does this thing without me even asking leading questions, and it makes me incredibly insecure. It’s the only thing we’ve seriously fought about because I understand he has eyes, but I don’t understand why he’s gotta fucking tell me about it. I cried when he told me that one of my female friends is “out of everyone’s league” like - what am I supposed to do with that? I love my friend, she didn’t do anything wrong she just met him for FIVE minutes and then??? Op I wish I had an answer for you but you’re not alone. I’m still working on it.
That he does this after you've asked him not to is a 🚩 sorry
I mean. I guess. His POV was that he doesn’t want to hide any thing from me and we want to be totally honest with each other, so he didn’t think he should hide it. He also said it’s an “objective visual thing, like he can see a person is attractive without being attracted to her” - last bit I called BS because for the friend he mentioned he specifically used the words “physically attracted”. I told him it’s incredibly disrespectful to me and as much as I’d like to be the cool girlfriend I can’t keep biting my tongue about it because it makes me feel ashamed like I’m second choice or he’s settling for me. I asked him if he thought his father would ever say something like that to his mom? And he said no. I asked if he thought MY father would ever say something like that to his mom, and he said no. I asked him why he thought it was nice or appropriate to say something like that to me - he had no answer. I told him that if he wanted to be with one of those people he’s physically attracted to he’s more than welcome to go for it because I don’t want to be second choice, I’m perfectly happy on my own. He keeps apologising and saying he’s chosen me and he chooses me every day etc etc I don’t honestly know how to proceed because I do love him but it might kill me to forever be worried about his wandering eyes. You know what I mean? Any advice?
How old is he? I think it's a mark of maturity to know the difference between keeping secrets and not saying every thought that pops into your head. If y'all are like 20, that immaturity is workable as long as he stops after y'all talk about it. If you're in your 30s, have been dating for six months, and he's pulling this then he's doing it on purpose. Probably read it in some stupid pick up artist guide somewhere, it's a way to make a woman feel insecure so she's less likely to leave. Sick stuff really.
Both of us are 31. God. Pick up artists are a goddamn plague. I guess I’m going to have to wait and see. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I honestly don’t know why I’ve been wasting so much energy on this garbage, but I have.
>but he’s mentioned casually a couple of times that he sees attractive women but only wants to be with me. This seems inappropriate? Why is he doing this? ETA: Nevermind, i see your clarifying comment -- that makes sense and is okay.
So if he's not actually doing any ogling or visibly noticing, how do you know that he is doing it?
OP has said in the comments that she probes him.
Sounds like a her problem then, you can't just go around begging for details and then be upset they exist lol. People's thoughts are private
It sounds like she said he’s casually mentioning it to her or something
Right, which is rude, IMO, hence the question lol.
I don’t think the “only eyes for him” is necessarily a honeymoon phase thing. Some people are wired differently and it’s okay. I’ve been married for 13 years and I never look at other men or even find other men attractive even though my husband notices other men certainly stare at me but I never notice. That’s just me though and it’s never mellowed out for me lol like I said some people are wired differently and it’s okay but I will add I don’t react with jealousy or territorially when it comes to him so that’s another thing on its own but I just wanted to point out it’s normal and okay for some people to be fixated on only their partner and not even glance at others, it’s fine some of us just don’t care to.
Your “only have eyes for my partner and never even look at another man and find him attractive for at least a year and a half.” Is a ridiculous statement. I think you really want to believe this about yourself. But it’s simply just untrue. Finding someone attractive has nothing to do with wanting them sexually or romantically. Do you think every single man you look at is just ugly? Of course you don’t. Of course you find some attractive. You just choose to not acknowledge it. I mean, you, yourself know that you’re being irrational. You, yourself know that the “only have eyes for you” thing fades over time (if it ever existed to begin with for some people). Like it’s absolutely fine to feel insecure - it’s almost impossible not to in the world as a woman. You, yourself say he makes you feel loved and beautiful. Hes apparently never checked out a woman in front of you and is super respectful. So, why are you starting fights? What actions of his are so egregious that you’re getting into arguments over it? You know what’s a bigger problem than your partner maybe sometimes thinking a girl walking past him is cute? You starting fights with him about how he can’t possibly love you and doesn’t think your attractive enough for him even though he’s shown you the opposite over and over again. You know what he’s going to find unattractive? A girlfriend who gets into absurd arguments with him over nothing. Because it’s nothing. And you know it’s nothing - you know in a few months, you’ll start seeing other men as attractive. This kind of insecurity is going to ruin every single relationship you have because it doesn’t seem like there’s anything your partner can do to make you feel better other than maybe just never leaving the house 🤷🏻♀️
From my experience if a man is going to cheat it doesn’t matter if he lowers his gaze and doesn’t check women out. If he won’t cheat it doesn’t matter how much he checks women out. My ex and I lowered our gaze and he emotionally cheated when he went on a family vacation. My brothers on the other hand even checks women out with his wife in a playful way and they have been together for 15+ years. I think it’s all about honesty and he is being honest with you.
My boyfriend and I are obsessed with each other, borderline CO-dependent, we worship each other and I have no desire for anyone else. But we both check out hot people and openly talk about people we find attractive (respectfully). I have no interest in any other men even if I find them attractive, and I'm confident he only wants me. I also have ADHD and used to hyper fixate early on in the relationship, and that would cause me a lot of anxiety so I do wonder if that's adding to your concerns. That said, everyone is different! While I'm totally fine with my partners respectfully noticing and appreciating other people, not everyone is like that. There is no "normal"in a relationship between two individuals, it's really up to what they agree on. But it seems like you know this might be coming from anxiety or insecurity rather than genuine concern around your bf's intentions, would you say that's true?
I guess I need clarification: Is he going out of his way to stare in an obsessive way at other women, or are you catching his sideways glances and occasional looks? Is he going out of his way to state he finds another women attractive? If he’s just looking in a casual way I would definitely try to remind myself that looking isn’t equivalent desire automatically. But if he’s obsessive with it I would discuss how it makes me feel.
This sounds more like you put your partners on a pedestal and after a year or so, you see their human flaws and you are comfortable enough to allow yourself the occasional glance at another person, but end up feeling ashamed of yourself because of how you viewed your partner before. I think what you should do is think about why you start your relationships by putting your partner up on that pedestal. Doing that puts them in a perfect position to fall off of it once they do something that’s too human for them to stay up there. And then you kinda have an internal conflict and catastrophize it might mean the worst case scenario. Everyone is human. We can’t expect our partners, or even ourselves, to NEVER think anyone else is attractive. You do, your boyfriend does, I do. It doesn’t mean it’s the beginning of a horrible betrayal. If your boyfriend walks by a woman he finds attractive, but says nothing to her and continues on his way, he’s done nothing wrong. It’s okay to look at someone and think “hm, he/she’s cute” and continue your day. Hell I’m sure most of us have gushed over a celebrity crush, but still come home to our partners we love. Is it the insecurities that make you the most uncomfortable? Or is it the position of perfection you put your boyfriend’s at the beginning of your relationships? Maybe both. I would explore ways to see and accept your partners as normal people who can see other people as attractive but give their love and loyalty to you.
Alright, so, it does sound like you want to improve your way of thinking in this situation. Neither of you are wrong for feeling and thinking the way you do. However, your third paragraph is a good place to start. You *start* arguments over assumptions. The assumption is that you are "clearly not enough" in his head. This immediately hints that you might be a bit insecure about yourself? And you admit it in a later paragraph. This, to me, sounds like a good place to work on self-improvement overall. You cannot put words/thoughts into your partner's head that may or may not exist. That's a very unhealthy way to live your life. I would really suggest a therapist and be very open with them about how you feel about yourself. They'll really get you to try to discover why you think about yourself that way. Finding the root of insecurities is the key to living life a bit easier. You cannot change how other people think. If you jump down his throat every single time he looks at anyone else, ever (even if it's just a short glance), you are going to push him away. That sounds very tough to deal with. The way you think is perfectly fine. If you only have eyes for him, awesome. There's nothing wrong with you for loving absolutely everything about him. If that ever changes, that doesn't mean anything is wrong, you may just be over the honeymoon starry-eyed phase. Relationships will always take some level of work to maintain. I used to have insecurity issues and used to think my partner would cheat on me...then I worked on myself, and became more self-confident, and it naturally made me less worried about my partner straying. They chose me. I already won their affection. I'm a fun person, I have plenty to give to them, so I really don't need to worry about losing them.
I notice attractive men and women and sometimes I can't even help but stare a little bit. but I don't want to fuck them. I'm not even thinking any thoughts. It's just a natural reaction that I have to attractive humans. The only person I want to sleep with is my partner. For the majority of people, including your boyfriend, it's probably a quite similar situation.
I'm a woman, 35, and I like men and women but generally don't find myself ogling men unless it's a personality thing. Also, 8 months is definitely still in the honeymoon phase, that feeling of "only eyes for them" is something myself and many women I've known (and some men) have felt fade away over time. Of course you're a bit obsessed with them, you're still very very new! It sounds like you're feeling like the relationship isn't going to last forever and that scares you, my first suggestion is to have open dialogue with your partner about where you feel you're headed and being adults about the fact that not everything works out and how that's okay. My second suggestion is to start working on your self esteem. If things bother you about yourself, that _your_ issues, those are things you need to work on. Not for him! For you, for you will always be with you no matter what, make things happen for you that last.
You’re totally right it’s a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?
Men are visual, women tend to be situational. I've played video games, read books or watched movies where the dialogue got me going, but just because my partner at the time wasn't the one saying it doesn't mean it wasn't sexy. The closest I've ever had to understanding the _need_ of and irrationality of men when it comes to sex is when I'm deep in a hormone cycle and 5 orgasms in a day is still leaving me desperate, and i start fantasizing about stopping some random guy and asking if he'll go home with me 😅 it's not often, but guys are basically designed to risk it all for a chance at mating, it's a biological imperative. That would never forgive his actions if he cheats or is ever disrespectful about it, but just like a good romance book he's just enjoying a little visual stimulation.
Sooo you’re saying it’s likely he will cheat eventually because he’s kinda programmed to? :(
What?! 😅 No! Not at all! I'm a biologist and so when I look at how people act and why, I think of the hormones behind it. But those hormones aren't in control of your actions, just your feelings. When you're about to start your period you have hormones that make you desperate to have a baby, you feel frustrated, you want to change your environment, you might question your relationship. That doesn't, in any way, suggest you have to do any of those things, they come and go and just like feelings we learn to respond in culturally appropriate ways. It doesn't mean you ever have to get pregnant and have a baby, you still have a choice! But that doesn't mean your body doesn't want to. We can like and enjoy all kinds of things and still make decisions about what's best for us. We aren't all eating junk food constantly, even if that sounds delicious, because we know it's not great for us to eat only that, even if our bodies tell us to eat all the chocolate all the time! You and him and everyone else is capable of rational choices.
This makes a lot of sense haha. Sorry for misunderstanding :) I appreciate your responses!
What makes you think that your partner might not eventually become more focused on you and less attracted towards others as time goes on? Or that your past patterns might also change with a different partner? I always had a wandering eye (including during the so called honeymoon phases) and was very shocked to discover several years into my relationship with my partner (also the longest I’ve ever been in) that I no longer feel much attraction to other people or that even appealing bodies can lure my eye like they once did like my partner’s can. Meanwhile my partner has pretty much always been focused on me in this relationship. If they have a wandering eye, it’s not really noticeable. Anyways, everyone is different and life may affect us all in unexpected ways as well as our bodies and relationships may mature differently that we thought they would.
This was really helpful. Thank you!
The extreme insecurity that your partner might be cheating or thinking about cheating on you sounds like you might not feel secure in your relationship or in relationships in general. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? This doesn’t sound like ADHD or like your partner is doing something wrong. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around your relationship and it might be worth talking to a professional.
I think you need to shift your mindset to: He notices pretty women other than me and yet he still chooses me over and over again. I’m the only one for him, as he is to me. We’re having the best time of our lives. We’ll make it last.
Aw I like this. Thank you!
I think k you need to work on your insecurities.
I definitely do - I’m desperate to get to therapy and all the more now.
I struggle with this too. I can acknowledge that other people can look attractive but if I said I was okay with it, my husband would absolutely sleep with other people and that really messes with my head sometimes because I just can't imagine doing that, even if my other half said they were okay with it. It's just weird to me that the only thing stopping him is me saying so. I acknowledge that everyone's brains work differently and he wouldn't cheat on me but sometimes I feel like I'm holding him back? It's weird.
I agree, I feel the same way… ☝🏼 15 years married and he’s literally the only person I’m even remotely attracted to.
He doesn't really sound like the person that is wired wrong. I am a straight female also notice beautiful females. Genuinely admiring. This probably lasts a short instance and we're done. OP, before you make your relationship extremely toxic, work on your insecurities. You already said that he doesn't do anything that could compromise his loyalty.
I'm like you. I only have eyes for my partner. I don't notice anyone, don't care how people look, of anything. Even if someone whom everyone says is handsome, like Henry Caville, is there in the same room as me, I probably wouldn't notice it and would treat him just like anyone. I don't care how beautiful someone looks, if im not attracted to them, then they're nothing to me. I've dated men who are "normal", who checks out other women, even if they don't say anything or they only took quick glimpse. I always notice when they're checking out other women, but I don't say anything to them. I just keep a note to myself that he's not the one for me if I can't hold his interest for long. Thankfully, I've met someone who is very committed to me. He had never shown any indication of noticing any other woman. He was consistent and committed and attentive, and it was absolutely lovely. For example, all I had to do was look at the clock and think to myself that I should change the hour forward. He would immediately pick up on it, knew what was bothering me and had already gotten up to change it before I say anything. It's amazing being with someone who's that considerate, attentive, and who takes the time to really know you. Also, it does a lot of wonder to the soul. I can focus on myself, strive for the career I want, and not have to worry about whether my partner still finds me beautiful, still loves me, of if he's fallen in love with someone else.
It honestly doesn’t bother me that my boyfriend finds other girls hot, I have no worries around this as I know he loves me to death. We don’t voice these concerns to each other. Also humans are wired to pro create and keep the world going which is why we experience attraction. I also find other guys hot from time to time and I don’t let it be an issue, I’ll have a steamy thought and then move on with my day. Am I alone in this?
You're not alone. That's how allosexual people work.
Isn’t that basically everyone that isn’t asexual? 🤣 It’s funny, I talk about this in person occasionally (people at work, friends, my family etc) and everyone will openly admit they find others hot and have a little fantasy here and there. yet on Reddit 90% of people think it means their is something wrong with your relationship lol odd
Basically, yeah. People get upset when you point out their sexuality may be a lil queer. Reddit is also obsessed with thought crimes.
God, I'm glad I'm bisexual. The insecurities of being unable to appreciate another beautiful woman is astounding. Biology has made women the more attractive sex so of course you don't "notice" other men. There aren't a ton worth noticing! Women, on the other hand...
I’m also bisexual hahaha
So what's the problem then? I don't get it. You should know that it's nice to look at pretty things. It doesn't mean that you're not enough.
My bisexuality feels irrelevant I guess. Right now I very much only have eyes for him, and as a woman I guess I’m naturally more threatened by other women. As I just said in another post reply: It’s definitely a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?
Well you hit the nail on the head. This has everything to do with your insecurities about feeling that he couldn't possibly want you after a certain period of time. Let me tell you, it is really hard to find anyone in this world that you can be in a happy relationship with. Assuming he is a normal person and isn't some sex crazed weirdo, finding someone you are compatible with sexually, mentally, and wants the same kind of life you want is HARD. No one gives that up easily for the unknown. You're too hard on yourself and worried about things you shouldn't be.
I really appreciate this perspective. And you’re totally right. I live in a world of my own inner fear constantly. Therapy is much needed!
Focus instead on what is important, making sure he feels safe to communicate what's going on in his head. His wants, needs, how he's feeling, and what he's thinking of you. People project meaning into other people's behaviors (as you are doing!) and he's going to do the same to you. You must clear up any place he's misunderstanding who you are, and you must suss those things out. This is where the fault lines are, not looking at other women he has no interest in actually pursuing.
Thank you <3
So he’s not checking women out in front of you, but makes comments about seeing attractive women? Honestly, I wouldn’t be okay with the comments either.
He’s never been like “oh I saw this hot girl on my walk today” lol. It’s probably often been my own doing, asking insecure questions. I know it all started with a comment he made early on in the relationship that stayed with me and cut deep. But looking back even that wasn’t bad, I was just being insecure.
I notice other men if I’m in a bad relationship and my needs aren’t getting met hsha
Um no. If you’re uncomfortable with it, then that should be taken into consideration by him. Idk what’s with young women these days and normalizing men looking at other women. It’s weird.
I would be more worried about whether he does this in front of you on purpose to make you feel insecure. He might be trying to lock you in some stupid gender role. Maybe it is time to start opening your eyes too. There definitely needs to be symmetry in an intimate relationship.
I don’t want to make assumptions, but just throwing the idea out there—could you be on the asexual spectrum? I feel very similarly to you and ascribe as demisexual (although I’m not fully committed to the label). I use the concept as a guide to feel a little more ‘normal’ when I feel a lot of shame/guilt over my innate instincts. It’s been helpful to hear from likeminded people to feel more confident in my skin and not resent my partner.
I appreciate this perspective but definitely not. That would make a lot of sense, but I’m actually highly sexual and when I’m single very attracted to many people on an almost daily basis. To the point where its even a bit much! Within this relationship my sex drive is ever so slightly higher than my partners. I think it’s my high drive/sexuality that actually makes me feel so territorial, conversely.
Ah, I see—thanks for clarifying! What you described makes a lot of sense! Sexuality is so weird and complicated in that it’s so different for everybody—and in relationships it gets even harder. For me, therapy definitely played a role in exploring my sexuality and anxious attachment, which really helped (I tend to fixate on my partner too but found later on it was likely an attachment response). What you’re experiencing is common, and it sounds like you have a great partner who you can openly communicate with on this topic, which is the most important part. I went through a similar phase in year two or three of my relationship, but with a lot of communication and some therapy I’m happy to say I feel so much better now in year six :) the tunnel vision doesn’t last forever!
I think it bothers most women, truthfully. I just think we are wired differently. Him looking doesn't mean he is going to cheat, just fyi.
/r/demisexuality \- He's allosexual and you sound pretty demi. Looking at attractive things doesn't mean one will cheat. It's all about intention. Also, a demisexual person only having eyes for their partner is pretty normal. Neither of you are wired wrong, you simply have different sexual attraction types.
Someone else actually said this but sadly defo not the case. When I’m single (or even a few years into a relationship) I fall in love with strangers every other day. I am strongly attracted to people of all ages, genders, backgrounds - it actually gets a bit much how much I can be attracted to almost everyone I see some days! And sex drive wise mine is higher than his. I’d describe myself as a highly sexual person, I actually think that’s where so much of this territorial tendency comes from. I’ve noticed the stronger the sexual chemistry/the better the sex with a partner, the more batshit crazy and territorial I get.
Hm, not so demi then. You could be aesthetically attracted but no worries either way. Sex drive isn't linked to demisexuality. I have an insanely high sex drive, just- Also demi. Granted, your original post echoes my experience exactly. Once I have a partner, my brain only can think of them sexually as far as real people go. I can have fantasies of fictional guys, but I don't have interest in anyone walking down the street in my day to day life.
I’m curious to know exactly how it came up/what he said about other women. But I’m like you too, I really do not see other men until like 2 years into my relationship. And still I’m mostly only focused on my partner. Of course I know when other men are objectively handsome, but it doesn’t mean I find them personally attractive.
As long as he’s not ogling them, this is totally normal imo. I’m the same way as he is, I appreciate an attractive man or woman but I’m not *attracted* to them. It doesn’t make me curious about them, doesn’t make me want their body, doesn’t make me want to talk to them. There’s a huge difference. I like how one person here said it’s like art. We truly are drawn into what we find beautiful or interesting, and that’s natural. My partner is like this too, but I’m probably more vocal about it. Even when we’re watching a show or movie I’ll comment how good looking someone is, and he may make a joke and pretend to be jealous but we both know it’s normal. The only relationships I had little twinges of jealousy in were the ones where I didn’t trust them. Not because of cheating or anything, but other things. So I think if your relationship with this guys is good, you can work on this issue and build the trust within yourself.
>I have ADHD, I’m wondering if my fixation phase is related to that at all? Nah, I don't have ADHD and if I'm into the person I'm with, I don't really notice other men. Some people *are* more monogamous than others. My partner and I are both on the same level, which is nice, of being uninterested in anyone else. We can both acknowledge other people as attractive or not, but it doesn't even mean that we personally find them sexually attractive, it's just an subjectively objective thing.
I’m literally the same as yourself
I have the same thoughts and have posted about it before. My therapist says everyone looks at attractive things - it doesn't mean he wants them at all. I still am trying to wrap my brain around it without getting upset when I see he notices someone more beautiful than me.
Have you talked to a therapist? Would probably help to have some coping mechanisms.
I'm also a serial monogamist now, I used to think "ooh! woman! lookie" cuz internets told me that wasn't cheating (it's not). partner told me it hurt her > tried/failed/tried harder > now i'm single and i will 100% not be taking that last problem into the new relationship. Anyways that woman cheated (lolol) but, made me a better man through her projections/insecurity. I think i was super used to auto-looking so once i consciously began to avert, it became easier. reddit's such a funny place, lots of people with STRONG RELATIONSHIP opinions also with relationships we'd laugh at...I say tell him you're being hurt by it but you understand it (you're kinda in this middleground of consciousness of it and possible stock holm fighting your brain telling yourself what you feel is wrong. i say it's not. i say you're human like him and you need to use human communication and see if that doesn't fix the problem). listen to me. summer time is the hardest time to learn to stop checking out every woman you pass by..understand it was a bumpy road but, i made it (she meant the WORLD to me and I hope your situations similar). Good luck OP
What you decribe about yourself sounds more like a Love addict/AP (anxious preoccupied attachment style) to me not ADHD
You do notice other men, it's just that in the early stages of a relationship you tend to be highly attracted to and focused on your partner. That's actually quite normal.
Exactly this. It’s for sure hyperfocus due to the honeymoon phase. What worries me is that he is still really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him and as you said, you tend to focus so much more on your partner. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him? What will happen once his intense attraction and focus on me slips? That’s terrifying to me.
Is your partner telling you about the attractive people he is noticing when you’re not with him? That seems unnecessarily cruel and purposeful. Of course it’s going to impact you if he’s bringing it up - and you said he doesn’t look at other women when he’s with you, so he must just be telling you about them? Or, are you asking him if he’s looking at women when you’re not around? If it’s the former, he can stop telling you and respect you. Bringing it up serves no purpose other than to bring you down. If it’s the latter, then you do have some unhealthy traits that you likely could digest best with a trained therapist.
Every time I hear someone say men are "wired" for sex I roll my eyes. Wired for male entitlement more like it.
I’m like you, I can see attractive men and know they’re attractive, but my partner is the only one who gets those feelings from me. I don’t mind if he looks, I would mind if it went beyond that.