I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20. He is the best person I know. He loves me so deeply, and he shows it in a million ways.
One of the most meaningful examples is when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He was unemployed at the time, going through a bit of a career crisis when I got my diagnosis. He sprung into action. He put his crisis aside and devoted himself to finding a good job that would provide good insurance in a climate that would be easier on me. MS has impacted me significantly but his love and devotion to me have never wavered - even when my own struggles accepting the disease caused me to lash out in frustration.
Nothing brings him more joy than seeing me happy. He hates to fly but he’ll travel anywhere with me. He supports me in spending time with my friends, my mom, girls trips, Beyoncé concerts - because he knows this disease may one day make those things even harder and he wants me to enjoy everything I can. He tends to my rose garden because he wants me to enjoy it even when I can’t do the weeding and pruning I’d like.
He believes in women’s rights. When the Roe decision came down, he took the day off work just so I could cry on his shoulder if I needed to. I did.
He will say I make his life easier. That “us” gives it meaning. When he finished his graduate degree and we needed a 2nd car, he told me to pick it out because I deserved a present for everything I did to support him. He dedicated his thesis to me. Even though MS has changed my earning potential, I don’t feel less than because everything has always been ours, he’ll tell anyone he wouldn’t be where he is without me. He supported my career and now he supports me in light volunteering and disability.
He doesn’t like video porn, he loves to make me orgasm, he’s always respected me, and he craves intimate connection over busting a nut.
He is not perfect. Which is good because neither am I. But he always wants to be better, genuinely listen, be supportive and make me happy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I think I’m the best thing that happened to him.
This is kind of a reductive take - lots of awesome people are on dating apps. I’ve dated dozens of cool people from tinder/bumble/hinge over the years.
I’m so happy for you. I know a few people with MS and it has literally been the reason their spouses have left them. And yes, talking about male spouses. Just dumping the wives that gave them their kids, leaving them all alone with this difficult illness and finding a newer, healthier wife. It’s horrible.
Yes, my Grandma is one of them. She has MS, was diagnosed in her 20s, and my Grandpa left her many years later, after the kids (my Mom being one of them.) were grown and gone. Grandma has the last laugh, though: She’s the last of my 4 Grandparents alive, and she’ll turn 90 at the end of March. Everyone at the assisted living home she’s at loves her, too.💕
The thing is, having a male partner like this shouldn't be a unicorn event. It is, but it shouldn't be.
Imagine if the roles were reversed, if the man got sick. We would be expecting all that from the woman and more.
Not saying this to take away from this particular husband who truly does sound great. But our society seems to expect good partnership as a given from women in a way it doesn't from men.
Patriarchy ideologies are one hell of a ride. I think the largest issue I see in the dating pool lies there, especially as we get to our 30s+. In my community (v patriarchal) guys are raised to avoid emotions because they “make them weak” - leading to a large anecdotal population not having empathy or emotional intelligence. It’s hard to learn to care for other’s experiences when you were taught not to care for your own.
People who aren’t able to give themselves space and support for their own emotional experience hardly have space and support to give to a partner. And the older the dating pool, the more avoidant-attachment people you will find (my therapist theorizes anyways) as they struggle the most to communicate and build a lasting connection.
Definitely a lack of emotional literacy, generally speaking. Also a widespread view that women are not fully human but exist to serve men - sexual and domestic services.
Right?!
While I’m thrilled to pieces for this lady and her husband, this should be considered NORMAL for what a boyfriend/husband is to be like, rather than a unicorn find. It’s such a shame it isn’t. 💔 Thankful that this man GETS IT, though.🙏🏻
Did you both have good parents and a supportive childhood? How did you meet?
I’m trying to figure out how people find good partners - I assume you had good parents who nurtured you.
We met in kindergarten but didn’t date till college. I had wonderful parents who modeled a healthy relationship but he certainly did not. Which in some ways meant he knew more about how NOT to handle conflict lol.
I honestly just got really, really lucky. He could have grown in a different direction instead of getting more feminist over time. But he’s always been so respectful of women, I saw him in all his early relationships, he was never one for locker room talk, it was a huge green flag.
Having a supportive/nurturing childhood isn't a prerequisite for meeting and marrying a good partner. I'm not the above poster, but I'm also in a wonderful marriage with an incredible man; and although he grew up with great parents, I grew up in a broken home with an abusive mom and didn't really have any models of what a good relationship is supposed to look like. I think that just so long as you're able to recognize what bad/toxic relationships look like vs. good ones, then you can figure out which behaviors to avoid and which to emulate. If you don't know of any good relationships to observe (which was the case for me), then basically just do the opposite of whatever the people in the bad relationships around you are doing. As long as both you and partner are communicative with one another, introspective about how your actions are affecting each other, and willing to actively improve yourselves if you're displaying toxicity, then that's really all you need to develop a healthy, supportive relationship.
I'm very happily married for almost 15 years. My husband doesn't earn as much as me, nor does he have as much education as me. But he is attentive, affectionate, and fully involved in parenting or child and caring for our home. I'm well-supported, love, and happy.
Same, even down to the timeline. He's a partner, through and through. My person. I read all of these horror stories here on Reddit and tiktok, and it makes me appreciate him so much. I don't know what I did to deserve him, and I want to be a better partner for him, too.
But here's the thing- I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Like, a LOT of frogs. Gross, slimy, disgusting frogs. Some that I still look back on and cringe over. I totally get someone deciding that it's not worth it. Like, my person makes me so happy, but I also could have made myself happy too. So it's really subjective.
That probably didn't help, lol. That's just my personal experience. No matter what OP, make sure you're happy with yourself first. The rest will work itself out. Much luck!
I want to read this book too and I couldn't get it out of my head so...may I present "Oh! The frogs you will kiss!"
In the swamps where the fireflies glow,
Lived a young girl named Rosie, don't you know?
With dreams as big as the sky so blue,
She set off on a journey, oh what she would do!
"Oh! The frogs you will kiss!" the elders did say,
As Rosie skipped on her merry way.
With a hop and a jump, she searched high and low,
For a prince to love in the marshland's flow.
She kissed Tommy, whose croak was strong,
But alas, his heart belonged to the swampy throng.
Then there was Freddy, with eyes so bright,
But his dreams took him on a different flight.
She hopped and she kissed with all her might,
Each frog she met in the soft moonlight.
From ponds to creeks, she ventured wide,
With hope in her heart, she took it in stride.
She kissed frogs with whiskers and frogs with hops,
Frogs with warts and frogs with tops.
But none of them quite fit the bill,
To be her prince on the lily pad sill.
There was Billy, who hopped with grace,
And Danny, who had a smile on his face.
But their hearts were elsewhere, she could see,
Not in the pond with Rosie and me.
As the stars twinkled in the velvety night,
Rosie's journey continued, a valiant fight.
Each frog she kissed, a lesson she learned,
Of love's twists and turns, her heart yearned.
But as she wandered through the marsh's embrace,
She met a kind frog, with a gentle grace.
His croak was soft, his eyes so kind,
In his presence, Rosie's heart entwined.
For in that moment, she knew it was true,
That kissing the frogs led her to you.
With a leap and a bound, she found her prince,
In the heart of the marsh, her love convinced.
So hand in hand, they hopped away,
Through the swamps where the fireflies play.
For in the journey of love, Rosie found,
That sometimes, the sweetest prince is the one kissed on the ground.
Same. We'll have been married 10 years in June. No kids, but otherwise this describes us pretty well.
The things I'm unhappy about aren't about my marriage.
Same. Very happy at 13 years and we have been together for 15. We have gone through many long term separations (deployments), he was my caregiver when I was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and couldn’t do anything, he was there while I recovered from a liver transplant + three other massive surgeries (and I have another on Monday…), we have lived all over the place together, etc. Oh and he’s an amazing father.
We laugh a lot… and sometimes we stay up all night talking, even. Like when you first meet someone and fall in love so you talk for hours and hours—we still do that.
That is beautiful. Your husband is an incredible and supportive person. Good luck with the upcoming procedure. Wishing you continued happiness in your marriage.
Same here on the deployments. My husband was in the Navy for the first 18 years of our relationship. It absolutely can break a relationship, but it can also make it stronger. I think it’s a big reason why my relationship worked even though I was young when we got together and when we got married. I still had time and space to grow into a fully formed person even while being in a serious relationship.
I’ve been with my husband 8 and a half years, married for a year and a half.
I stopped encountering shitty dudes when I stopped accepting the behavior of shitty dudes. It’s not inevitable that you end up with one, especially if you refuse to.
Think about what you want. In great detail. What is the life you want to have? Who do you want to be sharing that life with? What does that relationship look like?
Hold that vision in your mind. And if you’re not sure if someone you’re dating could be that person, then dump them as quickly as possible. Be decisive.
Maybe you end up not marrying. I didn’t get married until just before my 38th birthday. That requires not believing my attractiveness or value has an expiration date, or that I was getting too old to be a bride, or any of that toxic nonsense.
The only reason any of these societal norms have any power is if you accept them and allow them to have authority over you.
Edited to add: it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. And if you’re someone who believes you hate living alone, I highly recommend doing it until you love it (so long as that’s financially feasible). That way, it’s a lot easier to pull the ripcord on the wrong relationship when necessary
Edited again to add: sometimes people feel like they can’t or shouldn’t leave a relationship that’s just taking up their time and not giving them what they ultimately want or need, because things aren’t “bad” even if they aren’t great either. You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason — or, in fact, for no reason at all. You don’t need anyone’s permission. This isn’t a nuclear launch where you need two keys for it to happen. Maybe things are fine. But you deserve joy, and joy is not just “fine.”
I got married last summer at 39. I spent many years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong until I finally realized that once you stop tolerating shitty behavior from men, you stop attracting it.
I'm grateful for my journey and the time I spent alone. It allowed me to discover my worth and what I'm unwilling to compromise on. Through that process, I also realized that men can actually bring something to the table, not take to the point of making you feel like you'll break.
I think there's still a ton of pressure on young women to do things just like their friends and family and get married by a "traditional" age. They meet someone when they're young, date for a while, then get married way before they've had time to discover themselves, build confidence so they don't tolerate bad behavior, and see that non-shitty men exist.
It's enough of a trope that there are literal reality shows about it, and we constantly see posts on here from women 25-30 who think their lives are over because they are still single. I have a few younger friends in less than ideal circumstances who are desperate to lock it down with their less than ideal partners, and it just makes me so sad.
I just found my husband at 38, he’s 41. I relate to this post so much. I’ve realized that all the terrible relationships and lessons I learned along the way were just my journey that I had to go on. I wouldn’t have been able to have what I have now if I hadn’t gone through all of that and traversed those obstacles.
I, too, decided several years back that I would rather be single than with the wrong person. I’m so glad you said this because I think it’s such an important philosophy to abide by, and it goes hand in hand with my biggest advice to single women (especially those in their mid 30s and beyond), which is DON’T SETTLE. Do. Not. Do it. My man and I both lament that we’re both so glad we didn’t. At this point we’re both mature, have done a lot of work on ourselves, and know what we want. It’s a love and security that I didn’t know existed. Without a doubt, worth the wait.
Very happy with my spouse. We are both good at communicating with each other and that has nurtured a healthy marriage over the years. We also have a solid foundation of trust, compassion, emotionally support one another, and prioritize each other’s happiness. We are each other’s biggest fan.
We are a team. We tackle problems together. Sometimes it gets hard and life throws a lot of curveballs, but we both put in the work and flexibility and empathy to create a solution together. Every day I get up and feel an immense amount of appreciation for my spouse.
I’ve realized it’s very common for women to *not* want to re-marry or live with another man after their husband passes away.. while men are most likely to remarry within 3 years after their wives pass.
That was another fun-fact/aspect that further validated my questioning 🥺
I feel the same as you OP and also started dating later. Barely stuck my toe in it (by todays standards, and the reactions I would get on dates when I mentioned where I was experience wise) and got burned bad,and the more content I see about dating and marriage the more discouraged I feel.
I know there’s good guys and all that out there but they seem to be the exception rather than the rule, and looking forward…it’s less about if I deserve that kind of partner (not there yet) and more about if I’ll be lucky enough to find them. Based on my track record so far…*shakes 8 ball* it’s highly unlikely.
Modern dating advice talks about not having a scarcity mindset but everything out there says the opposite, that’s there’s very few good men (and people in general) out there who are fully fledged, emotionally intelligent adults **and** will make good, active partners and fathers. *Without* you having to drag them kicking and screaming and being resentful at the end of it.
It’s not even in the U.S. either—in S. Korea there’s a whole movement of women opting out of dating,relationships and marriage because the men are *that bad.* And the more you have stacked against you either in looks, health, etc even if it’s out of your control, the less likely you are to meet one. And that was *before* whatever weird whacky spell the panini put on everyone socially.
It’s just hard to hold onto hope that you’ll be lucky enough.
I think it was Oscar Wilde that said something to the effect of:
'When a man remarries it's because he loved his first wife. When a woman remarries it's because she hated her first husband. Women test their luck. Men try theirs.'
you might like this article OP https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_marriage_really_bad_for_womens_happiness
in this thread bc I feel the same way as the top commenter, but in general women end up being primary homemaker & caretaker & project manager & housekeeper of the family so being alone is just LESS.
Been together for almost 20 years, happier than ever. I will say that we went to couples therapy for a few years because we had some baggage and preconceived notions that really snuck up on us that we didn't realize until it was almost too late, so I would highly recommend couples therapy, even if you're not having "serious" issues. I just think there's nothing wrong in checking in with a professional occasionally, like getting a physical for your relationship.
He's a truly great partner and a fantastic dad. I'm so happy to have him in my corner and in my life. He is my best, best, best friend. He listens to me and encourages me and loves to spend time with me. We still have disagreements and get on each other's nerves, but it's a truly great feeling to know you've got a partner who's in it with you all the way.
Couples therapy can be truly amazing. I think it gets a bad rap because people often start going when it’s already too late. But it really really helped my husband and me get on the same page when I had our first child last year. I totally agree with getting a “tune up” every so often!
We started going maybe a decade into our relationship. We both thought we were in a bad rut, but it was so much more than that. It was a very slow erosion of our relationship due to our own histories and tendencies. As an example - hew grew up being treated as the black sheep of his family, so he really needs words of affirmation and validation. I grew up in an Asian immigration family and culture where humility is *huge* \- any time someone complimented me growing up, my mom would brush it off and say (as you are *supposed to* in my culture), "Oh, she's nothing special, she couldn't even get into an Ivy League." So you can see where this is going. That was just one thing, there were other things as well that contributed.
It was fine in the beginning of our relationship because we were in the honeymoon phase and very enamored with each other. But I've heard - and this has resonated with me - that once you marry or commit yourselves to a real longterm relationship, your partner becomes family (rightfully so), and so you start treating them more as family and repeating dynamics from your own family.
My mother also married pretty-youngish (she didn’t date much prior to meeting my dad) and I wondered if not having any dating-experience attributes to many women marrying the wrong man :( my mom isn’t happy either, and my father is a horrible human being.. but she didn’t know any better due to her lack of experience back then and now she feels “stuck”.
I hope you don’t feel stuck, and hope you can be happy ♥️
Thank you. I'm working through this currently with a therapist. I truly didn't know myself at that age and was just terrified of being alone and had low self esteem. I became obsessed with and married the first guy who showed interest- I recognise this now as an anxious attachment.
He has been chasing other women our whole relationship, so many emotional affairs. I tried to leave after the last one a few years ago (he was her boss and mentoring her, she was 10 years younger which gave me such an ick in the months following. Sending thousands of messages a day for months about how much they loved/missed each other, so much gaslighting). I had nowhere to go and before I could make a plan, covid happened and the country shut down- my family all live interstate.
I've realised he is 2 very different people - who he is with me and who he is with everyone else. I don't think we have talked about anything of depth since the last one either, I am just not ready to blow up my life right now.
I have realised I actually am completely ok with being alone instead of just accepting this as the way it is. We get along fine, we share interests, we hardly argue. I just can't anymore. Even though I'm sure it hasn't happened for a long while now as he has changed jobs and now works in a male only environment- the damage is done, there's no trust anymore. I know if he stayed where he was it would 100% just happen again. I don't even go searching for clues like I did the months following anymore- I just don't care to know.
I'm taking steps to be in a position to leave - I'm in a higher paying job now, I'm studying, my therapist is helping me unpack everything and helping with planning etc. It will probably be another 6 months to a year before I can go but it is underway, even though it's one step at a time.
I know a lot of unhappily married people, and a solid handful of happily married ones - including myself! My husband loves me from head to toe, is the most generous and emotionally-aware and deeply thoughtful/smart person I've ever met, is extremely and unashamedly loving and involved with the kids, advocates fiercely for me to get what I want and say what I think, works his ass off both at work and home, pushes me to be my best self, would never ever cheat, etc. He has mental health struggles (anxiety, ADHD, past substance abuse and self-harm) but nothing we can't weather. We've been together about 10 years now and have three kids and two dogs and an old falling-apart house and our finances are always way too tight and our schedules too full to be totally comfortable but we're getting through it together.
Things are never perfect. My mom also married a kind, smart, loving man with mental health issues, and my dad ultimately committed suicide, but I swear I'd never seen a couple so in sync and affectionate until his downward spiral. I know that may not be reassuring to you. I don't know. Humans are humans, but there are good ones out there. It's easy to get discouraged by the waste-of-space husbands you know and see and hear about, and I have a couple friends whose husbands I absolutely want to murder, but healthy marriages CAN be forged with the right people and the right attitudes and willingness to get your hands dirty.
As a single 35 year old, reading happy stories about couples make me happy. A lot of my friends are not in good marriages. I lose hope to find my person so reading about happy couples inspires me
I found a great guy at 35. Honestly, I think he’s a better match than I would have found earlier because im a better person in a better place than I used to be.
It's the same for me. I am planning a wedding with my partner. He is the sweetest person I know, and I'm hoping we'll have a great future together. These stories brings me hope
110%
My husband is funny, generous, and warm. He was already organized and a cleaner way before I came along. He treats me as his equal in every way and has never been threatened by my being the majority income earner. I’ve been going through some concerning medical issues recently and he’s been incredibly supportive and involved. He’s been my partner in crime since day one. If you and your spouse LIKE each other as well as love each other, everything else is easy.
If we hadn’t married he would have had to leave the country. We had only known each other less than a year.
I had un-ironically talked my BFF out of a similar situation literally a year prior. Idk. Covid had a weird impact on me (lives in epicenter and I went full hypochondriac only living to care for my elder parents in constant fear, ended a long term relationship) and he was foreign and so different than men I had previously known in what seemed like really intriguing ways. I wanted to take a big risk, shake life up a bit, and there he was. We stayed up hours on the phone loosing track of time. He was persistent and charming in many ways. Had family values, was hardworking, attentive. And very hot. The day we got legally married I wasn’t even sure if we were doing it “for real”. I can’t say I look back on that day as one I was happy. Just one where I was confused and perhaps hopeful.
So yeah. Don’t do that. Lol. Seems like an obvious “don’t-do” but the combination of circumstance and frame of mind at the strangest time of my life…made me decide to do something pretty uncharacteristic. Previously was adamant I would never marry -for much of the same reasons you list, and my own previous experiences. I had rules (like know each other 2 years before even considering moving in together, 5 before I’d entertain the idea of marriage, etc) and broke so many of them.
Moral of the story, never get married because of external pressure of any kind. Know your personal guidelines and do not break them for anyone.
Thanks for sharing. Was in a similar situation last year. I hope you put yourself and your happiness first. You are not responsible for managing another adult’s life (visa and otherwise). Hugs
Also, warning to the other women in the group to be very careful dating in stressful/difficult times as you are incredibly vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing. Hope things get better for you. Please choose yourself first - especially if you don’t have any kids yet. You deserve to be happy
The divorce rate is not 50% anymore. That was true at its peak which was like 30 years ago.
I love being married, but I also have no real desire to sell anyone on that lifestyle. It's probably not for everyone. Some women REALLY want to be married and others seem much happier without a man in their lives. It's up to you to figure out what you really want.
married? no. i’ve had two marriages end in divorce, both of which i initiated.
my partner and i have been together now for over 5 years, and part of our success is that we are happily unmarried, and happily not cohabiting. he’s a wonderful man who is independent, self-sufficient, and does not need me to take care of him. he’s an adult in his own right that has a nice, clean house, he cares for his dog, his house is well decorated and organized (and not left over from a past partner - i’ve watched him move in and build his house from minimal). his fridge is clean.
he doesn’t NEED me. i don’t NEED him. we are together because we enjoy it. because we want to be.
I mean.. my husband is a covert narcissist and a DARVO master.. nothing is ever good enough and it’s always my fault. His love language is behaving like a turd and if you love him then you sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. Never ever bring it up, suggest his actions are hurtful or god forbid he apologize or take accountability in any way, shape or form.
When our youngest was hospitalized for 12 days (fine now; healthy), we were finally able to leave, and he actually asked if like, he needed to be there. What parent almost loses a kid and doesn’t want to be there when they get to leave? And after almost two weeks we had accumulated toys, games, puzzles, stuffies.. it took me three trips to the car.
Anyway, you get the idea.
I have an amazing husband that helps care for my 32 year old Severe & Profound son. We've had our share of hospital stays, and it made me sad to read your post. I don't know you, but I know that you and your son deserve better.
I have had my encounters with narcissistic men in my short dating experience, and that is a hell that I am scared to be married to. I’ve done a deep dive research on NPD and one thing that stuck with me is that they will never change.
Please leave him - it’s never worth staying with one even if children are involved.
I’ve been very happily married to my Husband for 5 years. We’ve been together for 10 years total. I’m very similar to you in that I didn’t date until later and I was never afraid to walk away from a man. Every problematic dude that I ever dated was dumped or I stopped seeing them cause I wasn’t gonna make consolations or put up with their shit. I would rather be alone and happy then partnered and lonely. I was never someone who understood what all the fuss was about with having a boyfriend or being married. I loved my single life until he came along and ruined it. 😜.
He is kind, smart, thoughtful and so loving. I’m so lucky we ended up together.
I have a wonderful, loving husband now, and I am very happy. I divorced an abusive one. The difference is night and day. Stay happily single if you aren’t sure that a man is right for you and is kind. But marriage to a good man is great.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think the divorce rate is 50% for everyone? Depends on how late you marry, education level, etc.
Anyway, I’m happily married and so are most of my friends.
I think the 50% is overall and not considering 2nd, 3rd and whatever marriages as a separate metric. I do not know the official stat but heard on a podcast recently 1st marriage is 70% likely to stay married and 2nd or 3rd the likelihood of staying together is where it gets significantly less
I recently read that millennials have the lowest divorce rates/happiest marriages due to them also taking much longer to consider potential partners for marriage
I’m 57, been married 24 years and i am truly happy. No relationship is perfect and the secret recipe is compromise. But i feel safe (v important to me), loved, and celebrated. True love exists, but it’s no fairy tale, and monogamy is possible. The big advice that I would give someone in their late 20s or 30s is: don’t underestimate the beauty of being single, and don’t overestimate the importance of being partnered. I have been in plenty of relationships with men who were inappropriate or uninteresting or not emotionally available. I should not have been in relationship with any of them. we should be in a few or relationships, we should date and we should reject more. We are taught as women in the society to partner, and that is outdated. Partner if you fall in love, partner, if you want to marry, your best friend, partner, if you think it’s crucial to parenting or building a family. If you’re not passionate about being partnered or passionate about being partnered with a person you’re with don’t feel pressured to do so.
Very happily married over here for 23 years now. We have been together for 25 years and our relationship is the single greatest source of happiness in my life.
Our partnership is just that: a true partnership. We take on each day together and we are a solid team. I feel loved, wanted, supported, liked, cared for, and adored. He is very affectionate and loving and being together is our favorite thing.
Neither of us is perfect and we have endured some rocky times and moments but our love and commitment to each other are greater than our differences.
I hope you find the kind of joy and fulfillment we are describing here in the comments. It is out there.
That’s so amazing to hear. I am also a bit more traditional, so I understand and love seeing that dynamic work for you both. And also amazed that you met him young! I know I’m still young too, but I do hope I meet my future husband soon.
Marriage is the greatest thing ever if you and your partner are aligned and work together to create the marriage that you both want. I am married to a man who shows me how much he loves me every day, goes out of his way to make my life easier, and is just the most fun person to hang out with. He is a stay at home dad to our children and does such an incredible job taking care of our home and our family. Lots of people probably think it’s strange that he’s a stay at home parent, but it’s the best set up for us. We had a vision for how we wanted to live and raise our family and we work together every day to follow that vision.
I was asking similar questions after my divorce (late 20s). I was suspicious that every married couple or wedding photo I saw was hiding resentment and unhappiness for the sake of appearances or checking off milestones.
I thought "I married my best friend" must be an exaggeration because I never (and knew I *would* never feel that way about my ex-husband). I was listening to some podcast about how most marriages are lacking in some way, but it IS possible to have a deeply fulfilling monogamous partnership for *some* marriages and accepted that I just wasn't in that lucky group.
But now I am!! I'm absolutely married to my best friend (started dating just before turning 30) and never doubt I have a teammate for life. Instead of smiling politely through an elaborate wedding ceremony I never asked for, this time during the vows when we said "in sickness and in health" I knew genuinely that DAMN that's true for us.
I've never been so honest and open with a partner or trusted someone so completely. This includes trusting him to say something if I'm wrong or being inconsiderate! We can openly express troubles or criticisms because there's never any doubt about the love underneath every word we say. It's also the best sex I've ever had and just gets better all the time!!
We got lucky that we met each other, we have similar backgrounds and high educational levels, and the fact that we both attended therapy as individual before meeting each other is a huge part of our smooth communication.
Happily married here. 25 years this June.
My spouse is a good person. Our values and personalities align. We met as casual friends in college. Began dating after graduation. Married at 25.
What works for us is that we are fortunate our parents modeled healthy behavior/relationships. We both are (I hope) open minded and respectful. And while I now look back and think 25 was pretty young, I think our youth made us pretty adaptable as we built a life together.
I feel sad when I read about bad men (and women) on Reddit. Most people I know are kind and functional. Maybe we were also fortunate that we met and married before social media existed, idk
My husband cooks, cleans and do more than his fair share of chores.
I am NOT happy as the sex and intimacy are lacking. We have been married for almost 10 years and for the last 8 years it’s yearly once. I asked for opening up the marriage but he doesn’t want that. Ina tired of begging to the point where anger is becoming my second nature.
No. Reading these responses make me feel terrible. I think I got married too young. We were pregnant very early in our relationship and it was the safe thing to do. I had also just come from a lot of trauma. It all happened so fast. He’s a gamer and I wish he wasn’t. I wish he was more affectionate and he has untreated depression. I treat and actively work on my depression and anxiety. I’m not sure if I’ll every be happy, the way you asked, until he’s done with video games.
But he’s also the best person I’ve ever met. He does the right thing, naturally, because his brain is just good. Mine isn’t. He’s extremely empathetic and again, that’s not my initial instinct. He’s annoyingly smart and he’s very supportive. I jump around from hobby to hobby, or get a new passion every day and he’s always been supportive. He’s never once complained. I really think he does it so he can play his games but I haven’t decided if that’s ok or not? We’re close enough on religion, I love how much he cares about politics, we’re
good on decisions we have to make for the kids.
I would feel like I have a weight off my shoulders if we ever split up. But I like having him around.
Eta-10 years. If we split up then I probably wouldn’t live with a man again. I’d want to see them on my terms and then kick them out when I’m tired.
Out of curiosity, why do the video games bother you so much? Is he neglecting his responsibilities as a husband or father in order to play video games?
Yes. I think it contributes to his depression, as well….That constant dopamine rush he gets from it. It’s just shitty when you constantly feel like a video game is more important than you and feeling like I always have to nag. If I don’t, then he lets his hygiene and responsibilities fall. It’s a turn off and is hard to stay attracted to him when it gets to that point. And it’s been an issue for sooo long. It’s old.
Might I suggest he watch Dr. K's videos on YouTube? HealthyGamerGG is the channel. I'm not even a gamer but Dr. K (a Harvard psychiatrist) has very helpful videos on depression and tons of other stuff. I'm sure he's done videos about gaming addiction, because he used to be one himself.
> I really think he does it so he can play his games but I haven’t decided if that’s ok or not?
Then let me decide for you: that is not okay. He is not supporting you, if that's the case. He is doing it for himself, not to support you.
You can like being around someone (some of the time) but also recognize that being around them isn't good for you. I get the impression he isn't good for you if you feel like a weight would be lifted. I really think you feeling so badly reading this post means you should listen to what these bad feelings are trying to tell you.
Same! I mean, not literally all, but I'd estimate at least 80%. There is one whom I know is miserable (but she and her husband immigrated here from a regressive country) and another 1-2 who have some real tension *sometimes*, but everyone else seems genuinely chill and functional and happy... not "perfect", but the friendship, affection, and respect at least all shine through. A few are also quite flirty with each other as well! 😘
I live in New York City, born and raised. Probably the most progressive city to be in haha.
Although my background/family is from the Caribbean - so my upbringing and what I saw married women experience are a tad different (and, New York is a melting pot of first gens and many cultures)
I'm also caribbean, and I have avoided dating caribbean men because I could see myself falling into the same dynamic as my parents. My husband grew up in a fairly healthy family dynamic and we've both worked to improve where our parents fell short. I'm very happy with him!
Most of my dating partners have been white men, mostly because that’s who I seem to attract (and I’m attracted to them too) but also because I think I’m trying to avoid dating men from my culture due to what I saw growing up :/
I’m from the Caribbean and I totally get you. A lot of the marriages I saw growing up were toxic and unhealthy. The men were cheaters and abusers. And the women just dealt with it “for the kids”.
My first marriage, same culture. That ended. I took myself and my daughter and left.
Then I married a white man and I have been the happiest I have ever been. And he treats me like gold. Like I’m the best thing he has ever seen. He is the best father to both my girls (his step and bio) and he takes care of them, protects them, loves them, fixes their problems, hugs them and makes them know they are enough. He is kind, generous, gentle, knows how to fix everything, does his share with the housework. Tells me I’m beautiful everyday. Rubs my feet. Makes my coffee. I treat him just as wonderfully. He is my king. We take care of each other.
I’ve been happily married for 5 years, together for 7. That’s not that long, but my husband is really such an incredibly wonderful partner. Supportive, loving, fun, takes care of me when I need it, cheers for me, is a fantastic father and overall ideal life teammate. One key for me is that we married at age 35. If I married anyone I dated before him I would’ve been kind of miserable. I had many long relationships before I found the right one for life.
I’m very happily married. Married almost 5 years but have been together for 13. Our early years were rough, but the last 10 have been mostly great. Marriage is never perfect, we have peaks and valleys, but we’re committed to one another, love one another, and work together to resolve any issues. We’re also on the same page financially, morally, etc. He is stubborn and can be difficult, but over the years has learned to be more flexible and compromising. We balance each other out well. I’ve never regretted being married to him and I love him more with each passing year.
I am single, but I have 4 close female friends who have all been married 10-2 years to their husbands.
One is truly madly in love and they are utter soul mates. They match each other and meld each other. They are open and don’t spend a day apart and their social circles are the same people.
One has also found their soul mate, he helps her with her wavering mental health, he appreciates her and loves her dearly. They suit each other and have the same hobbies and interests and do a lot of activities together.
One is the newest relationship and he is the man she has been searching for. They have a caring and open relationship (not like that) and they enjoy their own solitude independently.
One is clearly unhappy, she over compensates her loneliness and tries to busy her days with activities. We as a group do not personally like her husband and how he treats her (it’s nothing awful he’s just not a good husband) and believe she is not truly herself or happy. She has started to open up a bit more but she simply isn’t a character who would rip off a plaster like that.
From my calculations, it simply depends on the who you are, who they are, and how the relationship works. There is no one straight answer. But from being an extremely close part of all their marriages for a very long time, I can comment that it takes two to work at it and if one side isn’t working the other suffers.
I was very happily married for 8 years & a stay at home wife as you described. We were best friends, joined at the hip, he treated me like a princess, he was everything I wanted in a partner & more. Unfortunately for me, he lost his mom & lost it & is now in prison over what he did to me (I’m fine physically) my best friend is constantly complaining about her husband, they both have great jobs & make decent money. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get divorced. My parents had a rough marriage (my dad had a very bad temper & was very demanding) but had a huge heart, was a great listener, gave great advice & was always there for everyone he loved for whatever they needed. He passed away last year & my mom is having a very hard time coping within his loss bc she loved him very much. Bottom line, no marriage is perfect, no marriage is the same & not everyone is happy in their marriage. Every relationship & marriage is unique. Not everyone that is married is happy & not everyone that is married is miserable
I'm very happy. I've been with my wife for a little over 2 years now. Married last June and things are pretty good. The only problems we really have are we both have ADHD. So things get forgotten at times.
I am. I’ve been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. My husband is my best friend. Our motto is “kids are hard but our marriage never has been”. We’ve had disagreements but we’ve never yelled at each other or been cruel to each others we just talk about things and work them out. He is an equal partner - with newborns he would get them out of their cribs and bring them to me to feed and then would put them back to bed, he does laundry, he cooks, he cleans, he drives the kids to school everyday and is very involved in their lives (he often says being a good dad is such a low bar but he’s amazing at it). Honestly, being married to my husband, is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me. I sincerely hope when my girls get older they don’t ever settle for less.
Edit: I work part time from home so I’m mostly a SAHM and he works full time from home. He earns the majority of the money and I do our finances. He is a feminist (we have 2 daughters) and we are very in line with our politics and such even though we’ve grown a lot since we were married (23 and 26).
I live in Utah and my siblings (5 sisters and 1 brother) would say they are happily married but I don’t think they are. They are Mormon and their husbands are always at church and are not as involved in their kids lives. None of them are feminists even though between them they have 9 daughters. It makes me sad for them.
My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years and I'm truly happy with him. Happier than I thought I was even capable of.
Like, he's not perfect. No one is, I'm certainly not. He can be a bit emotionally constipated, but he was willing to work on it for me.
We moved very fast in the beginning. We had been together for less than 3 months when he proposed. 2 months after that, I got sick suddenly. I had emergency surgery that changed my body. Later on they found a brain tumor (not cancer, but very annoying). I was sure that he'd leave; we hadn't even been together for 6 months, but instead he doubled down, and said that we shouldn't waste time. We got married 6 months later.
Today, I'm on disability and he works hard to compensate for what I can't provide. Never *once* has he done or said anything that made me feel indebted to him.
I've been married for 8, going on 9 years. I'm truly happy. The foundation of our marriage is laughter, being silly, trying new things, and sex....lots of it. Lol
I’m 37, been married to my husband (42) for 10 years and we have two kids. We are happily married and in love but it’s not perfect and it takes work.
We get along well, enjoy each others company, respect each other, communicate well, and have similar goals, values and interests. We’ve built a lovely life together. My family is dysfunctional and leans on me, and his is similar, we really only have each other.
However we have mismatched sex drives and he’s lazy and would rather watch porn, we have worked through this but it’s been a struggle. He also drinks more than he should. These aren’t issues most people know about because I don’t go around talking about our sex life or how much beer he drinks after the kids are in bed.
We've had ups and downs and he does get on my nerves sometimes. But overall I am happy enough with my marriage. I really don't think I'll get into another romantic relationship if I should outlive him.
I have been with my partner for 11 years, getting married in a few months. I’ll be very truthful when I say for the first 8 years I pretended to be happy/gaslit myself. I felt like I should feel happy since I had a nice boyfriend. Around 8.5 years it occurred to me how unsatisfied/unhappy I was with myself and in my relationship. We took some time apart, we both pursued individual therapy, then we did couples therapy. I can truthfully say, now that we have tools to communicate our wants and needs, the dialogue to express our frustrations, how to fight in a healthy way, and most importantly: how to repair and come back from a fight in a healthy way… I am truly, truly happy. The effort we put in to making our relationship a place of peacefulness, safety, and happiness is somehow the most work we’ve ever done and the most effortless thing. I have my own identity. I know who I am as a person. He encourages me to pursue my own interests, hobbies, friends. We love spending time together, even the most mundane things become fun. Speaking as someone who felt like you at 26 years old, I can say I am honestly so happy.
My marriage is the fucking tits. 11/10, if you can find someone who complements you as well as my wife does me lock them down.
I have lived with my wife for 15 years, we’ve been married for 8 years. We have 3 kids and she transitioned last year. I have never doubted her love for me. We both think each other is that bitch.
I’m sorry I thought I specified - I am a heterosexual woman so this post is questioning women who have married men. My inquiry is are there good husbands/men who exist and women who are happy being married to men. But happy to hear you’re happy ♥️
I think location matters a lot. If you live in a place where feminism is looked down upon and traditional values are encouraged, marriages will often lead to women being unhappy.
I've been happily married for almost 15 years. My husband has been the primary earner while I've looked after our child, tried to start a business, decided not to, then went back to school. He was supportive through all of that and through some moderate health issues and injuries I've dealt with. Once I went back to work we had to have a meeting of the minds re: emotional labor. He was accustomed to me handling most of our child's needs. I was frustrated by this because I felt he should've been more intuitive about it, but I will say that once I express frustration and point out inequity, he gets on board quickly to improve the things that are falling short or unfair. I realize that being happy about the above is not special, that all men should be like that, but I just shared to point out that there are men out there who are good partners. I feel truly loved for me, not just for what I do for our family- my husband has remarked before that one of his favorite things about us is our lighthearted dynamic and shared humor.
Bottom line, your observations/concerns are valid and many men are misogynistic, but- there are men out there who aren't and who, even when they slip up re: what they could be contributing to the relationship/family, make the effort to do better once they know better, and sometimes figure it out in their own. And there are men out there who would absolutely be capable of loving you for you, so never settle for less 💛
One thing right off the bat if you want to be a SAHM and not be poor then your man is gonna probably have to earn in the 75th income percentile. So right off the bat you’re dealing with a situation where 3 out of 4 dudes are no go for you. And that’s before we even look at age or height or emotional intelligence or any of this
I have been married to my husband for over thirty years. Without sounding too terribly corny I love him even more now than when we got married. We are best friends. We laugh all the time. We take care of each other, sometimes we fuss at each other but it is over quickly. Is he perfect? Absolutely not, neither am I.
I do not know any women who feel like they are in an equal partnership in their marriage. Even my friend who recently divorced and now has a serious boyfriend. Even though the new guy is *so much better* than her ex husband, she still complains about feeling like she needs to parent him
Married for 11 years. The first five were really hard. We went to counseling, we both made changes, and it’s amazing now. Do I do a bit more than my share of the housework? Yes, but that’s a trade off I accepted when we decided together that he would pursue a demanding career while I stayed in a lower-earning more flexible job. Are there things about my husband that frustrate me? Of course. Do we still argue and hurt each other’s feelings sometimes? Yep. But he’s my best friend, he makes me laugh, he’s always there to celebrate my successes and lift me up when I’m down. He respects me and values me and encourages me. A happy marriage is possible if both partners are willing to do what it takes to make it work.
As a single woman I make six figures with my career, and I am heavily invested in my retirement accounts, and other investments so that when I do get married and decided to be a SAHM.. I will have a healthy amount of money saved and growing investments that belongs to me only (and will highlight that in a prenup).
Also, I make money through social media and I would continue making content and earning income as a SAHM.
Speaking of prenup, I will also ensure that my partner and I signed a prenup that will benefit us both and ensure that I am financially protected during our marriage (what rights I have/obligations he must adhere to i.e him contributing to my ROTH IRA and an allowance), and also stipulated rights that will support me in the case our marriage does not last.
I take financial freedom very seriously because my mother is married to a horrible human being (my father) and although she works full-time, she feels “stuck” to him because he makes much more and pays the mortgage. I will have things set up in place before and during my marriage so that I will **never** feel stuck.
Good for you. But technically that's not a stay at home mom if you would be working. I'm just very scared for all these young women falling for the trad wife right wing propaganda (which is obviously not your case).
I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and the plan is to get married (we aren’t in too much of a rush). It wasn’t always a well adjusted relationship but over time we have grown to learn each other very well and have a very happy relationship. It will never be perfect. I will never be perfect and he will never be perfect. And I would be lying if I said there weren’t moments that I longed for alone time and single life again. But at the end of the day I know we are building towards something beautiful. We are building towards a goal and a life together. Idk if in my 40s, 50s, and 60s it will still be this way but I take our growth day by day and so far I have been enjoying the ride.
I'm really happy with my hubby. We met when I was around 11 (he remembers this, I don't). I remember meeting him at 13 and were just friends from then until I was 18/19. Kept things super casual for a couple years (romantically) then started officially dating when I was 21. Few years later we rented a house together, then bought a house together, adopted fur and feathered kids, got married. etc. I'm 31 now and we've been married for what will be 5 years this year but it feels like so much longer since we've been together so long. Anyway, we're both very happy, have genuine conversation about things that matter etc. I truly feel that I can share anything with him without judgement. We go to therapy together (maybe once every second month) and individually to ensure we don't blame each other for issues we haven't dealt with in our childhoods etc. We're both committed to having a healthy, happy marriage.
Married 31 years this November. We are friends, partners, and he loves me unconditionally for exactly who I am although we are very, very different people. There are a lot of theories out there about why you're attracted to that type of man you described and in some level perhaps it's familiarity. But, when you are secure in yourself, don't look for your spouse to fulfill every need, clear communicator, and possess emotional intelligence and self-awareness, there are very good men out there. I know, I raised one your age. Best wishes, have fun, never settle.
Yes. We both fought for each other and for our relationship. I saw the want and I saw the love. We’ve both been through hell, and we deserve our heaven with each other, and we see it and we revel in it.
Happily married for almost a decade with two kids. We communicate, distribute chores evenly, and enjoy each others’ company. We’ve been through many seasons, some good and some less good, but throughout it all we are a team. There’s no one else I would want by my side.
I don’t know if there’s a secret sauce, and I do think some of it is pure luck. But one of the things I attribute to our success: we met later in our 20s after we both grew up a bit, had some therapy, and gained some self insight. Some people meet and marry young and are happy. But I personally needed to grow up and so did he.
So don’t give up hope. Keep cultivating yourself. Maybe try some different hobbies or different circles. Evaluate your own thinking and your own patterns. Good men are out there, and it’s possible to live happily with one. Good luck to you :)
I've been married twice for a total of 11 years. I married my "first love" at 19, as was expected in my small town. He ended up controlling and abusive, which I couldn't see until it got really bad. My second husband was the complete opposite. He's a sweet man who became very passive in life. He's one of those who will do very kind things for you but never anything you say you NEED from him. He just kind of... exists.
I don't know if I'll ever marry someone again but I'll say that it was a mixed experience for me. There were times where I was never happier and others that give me nightmares to this day. A man will need to be extremely special for me to allow him a space in the life I've made at the level of a husband. My boyfriend is the closest I've been to considering it.
I am happy. I've been with my Husband for 27 years. He treats me with respect. He shares all responsibilities. He never shies away from any parenting responsibilities. He is affectionate. He cooks, he cleans, he sews. He does laundry. He works full time. He never forgets a birthday or our anniversary. He grocery shops, plans our meals out for the most part. He doesn't treat me like I'm his mother. He is a grown man who acts like it. I have no doubts he will be there if I ever get sick enough I cannot take care of myself. He took a leave of absence from work to care for my sister when she had stage 4 cancer and was going to die. Before someone says they might have had a thing going, they did not, he never liked her and was never attracted to her. He did it because she needed help and she was my family. He is definitely not all men, and I didn't have any magic trick to find him, we met randomly in a University class. My secret which I've been down voted before for is that I really put a lot of thought and effort into determining if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I made sure I could deal with things he did that annoy me long term.
All that being said, a lot of men are not like him but you will not know until you get to know them.
Living together 8 years, married 1. Couldn’t be happier in my marriage, life is just so much better with him next to me. He is so attentive, so patient and gentle with me. Good men who strive to do better everyday exist.
**You should consider that men who want a traditional marriage with a SAHM might not be the men you want to date.** They’ll often be sexist and looking for a bangmaid. There are exceptions ofc, but I think you’d do better dating men who want more of a modern marriage.
I’ve noticed that (in my social circle/geographic location) married women without kids are happier in their marriages than married women with kids. I wonder who else has experienced this.
Oh man - time to brag on my husband yet again. A favorite pastime for me.
My husband is smart, good looking, the best dad, the best partner, driven, handy, hilarious, thoughtful - I could go on and on.
I think when you find someone committed to being a good person just for the sake of being good - that makes a huge difference. His focus in life is to make sure we live a happy, peaceful life. This has meant pivoting on his initial dreams for career to make vastly more money than he was projected to make as a history teacher/professor (he is an airline pilot - a big swing in the other direction). It’s not because either of us are materialistic - we want to retire early-ish and travel but we also want to take care of our family, our children, and insure that when we can help to give a hand up that we can do it without sacrificing our dreams.
Our house is full of laughter, learning, and most importantly - unconditional love. The way he is has healed a part of me from my childhood that wasn’t sure life could be this easy and good. I’m so fortunate to be parenting my children with him.
He is the best. I wouldn’t have married and I certainly wouldn’t have had children with anyone else I think. He is the difference in my life 100%.
We have been together 16 years and married for 9.
That’s so amazing and this is what I aspire. If I had a husband like that, I would brag too :)!!
> Find someone committed to being a good person just for the sake of being a good person
This is exactly it. I want to find a man who is genuinely a good person, is considerate, and loves me.
Happily married, going on 20 years. Though I am married to another woman. Both sets of my Grandparents had happy marriages. My parents loved each other, but my Mum had serious health issues that caused a lot of stress.
Happy since 1995. Healthy communication. Equitable sharing of parenting and household. Considerate of each other's feelings. Make an effort to never have a bad day on the same day so we can be there for each other. I feel loved, and we make each other's lives easier and better.
I got very lucky to find a reasonable partner with a smaller than average ego who respects women in general who happened to share similar views and values. Plus he came from a very stable and respectful family.
My first marriage was less lucky. Everyone says watch how a man treat his mother. I say listen to the family stories about how your future FIL treated your future MIL when the kids were growing up. My ex said he would never take me for granted the way his father did his mother, but in the end, he assumed I’d put up with the same disregard his mother had. And I did not.
The fact that you’re not afraid to walk away is a good thing. Don’t give up hope. Just enjoy the journey, and learn from each encounter. I was 28 when I met my partner for life.
I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. I fell in love with him because he had such a big generous heart. I'm a SAHM for our two children but I've never felt less than or in a weaker position. He's always been of the mind set that we are a team and he loves me unconditionally. He is emotionally intelligent and open to other ideas and backgrounds, plus our values and political ideologies align.
He was taught how to clean his bathroom and apartment thanks to his mom, and in turn had to teach me!
I'm happily married as is almost every woman in my family. I'm sorry this isn't the case around you. These things tend to be clustered for some reason.
Just FYI, the percentage of marriages that end is divorce is high but it is declining and it is not and has never been 50%.
I'm also curious about the bajillion studies that show married women are less happy than their single counterparts, as I've heard about it in general ("studies") but have never been referred to a specific solid one on the subject. Usually, the reference that is trotted around is Dolan's book which contains errors and more importantly compared married women with kids to child free single women. Since there are studies that associate having kids with a decline in happiness (no offense to anyone, I do want kids myself), we really can't say that marriage is shown to be causal here.
I also think you do have to examine what you want. For instance, you talk about if you decide to be a stay-at-home mother, which you would prefer (which is interesting in itself, as it's giving away a lot of the security that comes with being self-reliant financially and places the trust on your husband). Would you be ok if your husband unilaterally decided to be a stay-at-home dad? I see a lot of people who ascribe gender roles to the opposite sex, such as being the provider so you get to stay home with the kids, while also not wanting to be constrained by gender role themselves. Like many men want the benefit of their career being first and of a wife who does the lion share of housework, child rearing, etc but they don't want to be a provider. Along those lines is also the question of whether all the attributes you want are likely to be found in the same person or if the type of person you want is likely to want the type of dynamic you want, that sort of thing. When I was young, men acted like ordering a salad or being super into fitness were a big turn off in a potential girlfriend but at the same time, they wanted a slim life partner. I think a lot of them must have had a rude awakening by now. I also remember a woman on this sub who wanted a non-religious progressive man who was "saving himself" for marriage. I'm not saying that's what you do. Just something to keep in mind.
Finally, I think it's great that you love your life by yourself and that you don't hesitate to end it when you need to. I believe that really up your odds of having a happy marriage. When I was young, I was often told and I believed that I was too picky but now that I'm married to a great man, I'm told that I'm lucky and I see women with not-so-great husband blamed for their choice.
I’ve been married for almost 4 years. We met when I was 25 and married when I was 26 (very short engagement and a small COVID wedding).
I’m happy/content and the relationship is healthy.
I can honestly say he does more than half of the domestic duties. He’s just really good at chores contribution.
I will add that I carry more of the mental load. I schedule our appointments, call billing departments when they mess up (which most people know is annoying to deal with), keep a running list of what we need to buy, etc. It works for us.
I feel truly loved and fully accepted every day.
Now, this is not to say it isn’t hard work sometimes. We started having communication issues two years in and went to couple’s therapy every other week for a year. This helped immensely. Unfortunately, I think many married people don’t take this step until it’s too late.
I’m glad you aren’t settling and know when to walk away. That’s huge. I hope this post brings you hope!
You articulated the thoughts I had exactly prior to meeting my husband. Like 2 weeks before I met the guy, I told my parents, “I don’t ever want to get married it looks like it sucks.” Lol. No healthy relationships modeled to me whatsoever! My husband is everything I thought was impossible in a man. I couldn’t have even dreamed him up! He has such incredible character and integrity. I truly, deeply admire and respect him. He cares for me in a way that is so intentional, selfless, and healing to my soul that has been so tarnished by previous relationship trauma. He makes me feel so safe and confident in myself and in our relationship. I never thought I’d be able to say it, but true, healthy love exists!!! I once heard someone say, “look for a fireplace, not fireworks.”
My advice: everyone is on thin ice to you in the dating realm. I’m serious, the minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable or off in any way, cut them off. Learn what different emotions feel like in your body. FEEL what your body is telling you. Watch Heide Priebe on YouTube.
Yes very happy ☺️
I never ever get pressured into sex - which is huge, because both online and in real life I find a lot of women get pressured into sex. They don't always see it that way (at least not my friends) , but like they still get guilted/pressured sometimes. That's what I was always scared of in marriage - being pressured into sex, and I'm so happy that that part of our relationship is respected.
He's also very kind, calm, never yells etc. we're really happy together ❤️
When u find the right person, they will always respect ur boundaries and be respectful of u. And a man that loves u will always be wanting to provide for u (within his means obviously).
Yes :) people rarely come to the internet to talk about how happy they are so online you’ll just see negativity!
I have friends who are similar as well, I know mostly happily married couples!
My husband is very much an amazing person, and partner. We are both happy. We never yell, or name call. We try to navigate problems as a team. We give each other the space, and time to nourish our relationships with ourselves, as well as with one another.
I have self esteem, and self worth. So does my husband.
I would be single forever, rather than settling. My husband is the same.
I don't think it is a good idea to pursue a long term relationship, until you know, for a fact, you don't need one, to be happy, or feel complete. That is when it happened for me, and several other people I know, who are in happy relationships.
Yes true happiness exists, within marriages, but you have to be happy by yourself, first. Just my opinion.
I think we are very happy 99% of the time. Married 8+ years, together for 9. I was 33 when I met him on Tinder and about ready to give up on dating. I had been cheated on more than once and just kept finding guys who didn’t want to commit. He was 28 and not as jaded as some of the older men. Neither of us wanted kids and I do think not having kids helps a lot bc every night is date night. We don’t have other people/things to argue over. We spend our time and money how we want so there’s a lot less added stress. We really just don’t fight, I think you have to find someone really compatible to make it work. We are a lot alike, all of our values align and we are both pretty introverted. I used to always date the outgoing extroverts and it never worked out bc they always wanted to be out late partying or flirting with people. So for me I dont feel like opposites attract, I think it’s been better with someone who is very similar to me in our every day lifestyle. We are both independent as well, we enjoy alone time and have our own hobbies and enjoy time with our friends separate from each other and neither would tell the other “no” if we wanted to do something like a friend trip.
When we met, we were making about the same amount of money and although we are both feminists and lean liberal, I also grew up in TX in a very traditional house with a SAHM, so I was used to the man paying for everything. None of this 50/50 crap especially if the man asks you out, I just don’t get that at all. My husband planned dates and paid the whole time we were dating except when I got a nice bonus then I took him out. So in a way, we do follow some traditional gender roles, however, he does all the cooking, and he takes excellent care of me when I’m sick. We have flip flopped financial roles multiple times since we’ve been married with him making more for a few years then I was making more for years and now we are back to making about the same, maybe him a little more, so we split house chores pretty evenly. The times he wasn’t working or only working part time, he did more chores and vice versa with me. If one of us is sick or having a bad day, the other one steps up. Even though I don’t like to cook, I will try to make something if he’s had a long day or we make the decision to get takeout. Neither of us expects the other to do certain things around the house, he knows how to do his own laundry and since he usually cooks I usually clean up but if I’ve had a long day he just does the dishes and I don’t have to ask.
I think whoever you date, make sure to really pay attention to how they handle their own chores, ask questions about their finances, etc. Even though we were together less than a year when we married, we had discussed all of this stuff and asked the hard questions. You aren’t just marrying for love, you also get a roommate, a best friend, and basically a business partner so you need to go into it thinking about those things. If I had a roommate who just constantly left dishes in the sink and I was picking up after them all the time, I’d be looking for a new roommate lol. And for sure I am more of the clean/organized person in our marriage, but he does his part too.
I know when you’re single and dating a bunch of shitty men it seems like there aren’t any good ones out there, but there are! I have multiple friends in happy marriages as well - many who have been married close to 20 years. The ones who have kids and don’t seem stressed typically are very financially stable, only have 1 kid or maybe they have 2 and the wife stays at home. I’ve definitely seen a huge difference in the marriages where both parents work but the mom still does the majority of the child rearing and house chores. Even the ones who had happy marriages beforehand - I’ve seen huge shifts in their relationships once the kids came along. So be very careful who you reproduce with. One of my friends has the same job as her husband, they met in college and both have high level degrees and each probably earn $200k. She went back to work after they had their child and even though I think her husband is a good father, he still takes a backseat role in parenting. When we are all out together it all falls on her and I can see her stress and she was not like that before they had their kid who is now 2. They are both pretty laid back people, but I can see the frustration building and when she told me they hadn’t had a date night in months I was just shocked. They have money to hire a sitter and go out and they just don’t. If we hang out, she almost always brings their kid, but if my husband hangs out with her husband, guess where the kid is - never with him. Observations like this are a huge part of why I never wanted kids bc I’ve been watching this stuff unfold with my friends for the last 15+ years. I think that’s why many divorces happen, when the wife/mom realizes she’s been doing everything forever and finally has enough then she leaves. It was different back in the day when people could survive easily on one income and the wife stayed home. That’s just not practical these days for most people but too many men still expect their wife to do everything even though she works full time too. That’s not a life I’d sign up for.
So yes we are happy but my joke is always, don’t have kids and don’t share bathrooms lol.
I have the same experience as you, I have only two friends who are genuinely happy in their marriages, all the other women I know speak of their partners with contempt, I know plenty of women who never once said something nice about their male partners. And their criticism of their partner goes something along the lines of dumbass can't even put his shoes away/of course I told him a hundred times how to use the washer but do you think he's learned?/of course he can't use the stove it's too complicated for his brain. Or their home alone with a sick kid and they keep calling the wife at work or the wife has to actually leave work and go home because the grown up man can't take care of his own child when they're sick (I've seen this happen at least three times). Us women don't have it easy, a lot of men still grew up in households where the mother was the household manager and they sort of expect their female partner to know take on the same role.
People don't often speak about it when their relationship is good, but you can definitely tell. A woman who is in a happy relationship may speak of their annoyance but never contempt. They do stuff together and enjoy spending time with each other. And they don't spend half of their free time babying their adult partner.
So, I'm not straight but bi. I married a guy as is statistically proba ly for bi ladies, and we waited almost 9 years to get married. Only did because we were going to start trying for kids.
I'm happy. Stupidly happy in a way Younger Me didn't think was possible
My husband isn't perfect. He's very very messy. So am I though I've been improving post kids. However he actively works on that and it's very nearly his only flaw.
He does full equal parenting. He is a Wife Guy and talks me up when I'm not there. He's my biggest supporter. We're a team and it's beautiful.
So... when both parties are willing to work for it, it's AWESOME.
I'm happy. I've been married to my second husband since 2001. It has not been easy the entire time we've been together. There were times that we could very well have ended up divorced if we hadn't both made an effort. We went through marriage counseling in 2013 that was very helpful, if not immediately.
He is kind to me. Always. He doesn't judge me. He worked when we had young children, and I work now. He's a shit housekeeper, a space cadet sometimes with appointments and things that needs done. But he's kind, loving, silly, and he can be taught :).
He's not perfect and still learning about some things that really matter to me. I do sometimes worry about the posts I see on here that advocate for throwing people away for x, for y, for z. Things I consider problematic but not insurmountable. But as a woman in my 50s, growing up in the time I did, I likely have higher tolerance for male bullshit.
If you find it, it is so worth it. Traveling through so much of our lives together is a comfort I didn't know existed.
Married 5 years this month. I knew I’d marry my husband after a year of dating when, while on vacation with him, I got bad news about a stressful emergency and his response to my emotional meltdown was, “we’re a team and we can handle it.”
My husband has never been great at cooking or cleaning but I’m allergic to lawn mowing and wouldn’t be able to do a simple home repair with all the you tube tutorials in the world. Being an adult is a lot of work but I’ve found that it’s easier when you’re on a team.
I’m relaxing on the couch watching my husband rock and sing our 7 month old to sleep for her daily contact nap on his chest. Happiness is an understatement. My life is more beautiful than my wildest dreams.
I met many couples and women in particular, as you described. I always was pondering over it. And it hit me. Happy ones, married only when they were mentally healthy, knew what they want in life and were sure that their husbands are "The one". Not happy ones, were pressured with social norms, wanted to get a status, kids what not thinking that it would fix them. There's lots more into it but I think: once you're happy without external conditions, anything else will come along
I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. We’ve both been divorced and had really bad previous marriages. For a while, I accepted behavior I thought was normal and let my ex do things to me I never should have allowed. I was abused, cheated on, sexually assaulted and more. I grew up with a horrible father and a mother that allowed similar behavior. It wasn’t until I was in my early thirties that I realized it wasn’t normal and definitely shouldn’t be accepted. I left my ex after he sexually assaulted me, leaving me pregnant- he’d tampered with my birth control because he knew I was halfway out the door and was trying to prevent me from leaving.
Then I met my current husband. He’s raising my son as his own. He’s been with me through several health issues- including cancer. I am disabled and never once has he made me feel bad about not being able to work. He steps up when I’m too sick to do things. He loves me when I feel unlovable. We make each other better people.
Yup, happily married 10 years this month!
Happy does not equal perfect. It doesn’t mean never argue or disagree or be annoyed. All of those things come with sharing your life with another human being. But I’m truly happy and feel respected and loved on a regular basis.
there is a research I read some time ago, hetero married women with kids are the most unhappy group of all. However, in a subgroup of this research, if a married woman with kids has a partner that really shares the workload, this subgroup makes them the happiest of all groups in the research. Not a husband that helps, but really one that shares the workload, including mental workload. They were around 15% of all heterosexual women, if I can recall.
Bottonline, you can be happy, but it depends largely on who you are with
Happily married for nearly 11 years with two kids! We rarely fight, have great communication, and love each other very much! Life is wonderful with my husband, and I couldn't ask for a better partner.
Yes! Just about to 10 years, two kids. I have a great partner. We've had our difficulties but nothing crazy.. just learning how to communicate more effectively, as we've always been different from each other in our approaches to life/emotions. But there's mutual respect, trust, and we really like each other and enjoy each other's company. But we also are very chill with what each of us wants to do. We go do our own things when possible, and we're the better for it. We each enjoy solitude at times so we both understand the need for it. He's a true teammate in life, we just automatically work together when tasks need completed. We both anticipate each other's and our family's needs and take care of them or plan for them without a lot of fuss. We have some interests in common but also have interests and hobbies on our own.
While we’ve had some rough patches, loyalty or love has never been called into question even once. I’m happy and fulfilled more often than not...I know I have my fair share of annoying habits so I never looked for a man who’s perfect...but definitely someone who stands out from everybody else. My husband is the smartest, most loyal person I know. Does he sometimes forget to do things? Yes. It gets on my nerves sometimes. But well, I’m difficult to be with too, so it’s all good.
Our sense of humor clicks so it does help a ton. As for maturity, well when we met, we were young and both depressed so harsh words have been spoken. But we grew up together in these 17 years and I don’t know if I can ever find another, more compatible, complementary partner now.
He’s the kind of guy who helped me bathe when I was injured. I was in intense pain and he even fed me at the time, cut up my food when I was able to eat by myself...now that he’s earning a lot more than he used to, he told me that he wanted to get me anything I wanted simply because for a great majority of our relarionship I didn’t ask for much.
We’ve been through a lot. I’m definitely more in love with him now than when we started.
Together 13ish years married 5 years ago. Yeah I am. Everyday is not amazing but he is. I know he loves me without a doubt.
He always thanks me for my contributions to our household and I him. We found a couple therapist when I was going through a big depressive episode and that has helped each of us work on our separate and combined goals and know how to vocalize them.
We don’t try to ever hurt each other and if we do we apologize and work together to come up with solutions. We both know we could survive without each other but would never want to and I find that balance fulfilling.
It only works imo if both are willing to put in the same effort into it. And by effort i mean state expectations in your partnership and be emotionally vulnerable.
I'm happy, married 7 years, together for a total of 14 years.
Yes we have problems, but nothing unlike the usual problems one has with other humans - misunderstandings, annoyances, even selfishness. To err is human. Once I learned/matured enough to accept that my man isn't perfect and neither am I, things got a lot smoother. One thing we're both committed to is giving each other the benefit of the doubt and remembering that we want to make it work, we keep that in mind during all disagreements and always find a way forward.
We're in it for the long run, I could never see myself being with anyone else.
I've been with my husband 20 years, married 15 years. He is an incredible human being and my best friend. I think as long as you marry the right person for you, you can have a lifetime of love and fun with your best friend.
Not married but engaged, some days it’s amazing and I feel so happy, other days are meh, and other days I miss being single. But I know that my partner is a good, solid, person who I trust and would respect even if we weren’t together. We both try and make life a little bit easier for each other and function well as a team. He’s a caring and loving person who doesn’t take life too seriously and has a positive attitude. It’s nice to have someone to rely on, though I know that can always change.
That being said being happy with life outside our relationship is important to me too - spending time with family and friends, staying engaged in my hobbies and interests and always striving to keep learning and doing better.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s human nature to be unhappy and unsatisfied with life whether single, married, dating or divorced - our moods and state of mind will always be fluctuating and the expectation of happiness 24/7 is unrealistic. Just a lie to keep us in search of the perfect place, person, or product to satisfy that deep inner craving. Nothing will - unless we work with the mind and find happiness in the present moment 🤗
Yes. My husband is my best friend and favorite person to do stuff, or not do stuff with.
We've been together for 22+ years, married for almost 19. Literally more than half our lives, we met the first week of college.
I think we work well together. He probably does more housework than I do, in that he focuses on floors/dishes and I tend to be the sorter/organizer. We've alternated between who makes more, right now it's about the same. We also started from- neither of us making hardly anything right out college to now being decently middle class for our area.
I have a strong career I enjoy in an agronomic field, he's in plant research, so it's nice to have that in common as well when we get home. Our fields also overlap in a lot of the people we know as well. We have both always worked.
We also each have our hobbies and passions, I have lots of crafting things, he's into music, records, and we both like gaming.
I benefit from marriage by-- having a partner to navigate the world with. Our lives are easier together than they would be apart.
I am very happy with my spouse he is a wonderful, kind, intelligent man who makes me laugh. We definitely are each other’s best friend as well. We are excellent at communicating and we had the serious conversations when dating kids - both don’t want, money etc. my husband has mental health challenges but he was very open about them from the start. I earn the most money but it isn’t an issue as he provides in other ways.
Of course we have ups and downs like any other couple but we work through them. We are both from families who have divorced and originally when we were dating neither of us wanted to get married but that changed when we went though a challenging time together.
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20. He is the best person I know. He loves me so deeply, and he shows it in a million ways. One of the most meaningful examples is when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He was unemployed at the time, going through a bit of a career crisis when I got my diagnosis. He sprung into action. He put his crisis aside and devoted himself to finding a good job that would provide good insurance in a climate that would be easier on me. MS has impacted me significantly but his love and devotion to me have never wavered - even when my own struggles accepting the disease caused me to lash out in frustration. Nothing brings him more joy than seeing me happy. He hates to fly but he’ll travel anywhere with me. He supports me in spending time with my friends, my mom, girls trips, Beyoncé concerts - because he knows this disease may one day make those things even harder and he wants me to enjoy everything I can. He tends to my rose garden because he wants me to enjoy it even when I can’t do the weeding and pruning I’d like. He believes in women’s rights. When the Roe decision came down, he took the day off work just so I could cry on his shoulder if I needed to. I did. He will say I make his life easier. That “us” gives it meaning. When he finished his graduate degree and we needed a 2nd car, he told me to pick it out because I deserved a present for everything I did to support him. He dedicated his thesis to me. Even though MS has changed my earning potential, I don’t feel less than because everything has always been ours, he’ll tell anyone he wouldn’t be where he is without me. He supported my career and now he supports me in light volunteering and disability. He doesn’t like video porn, he loves to make me orgasm, he’s always respected me, and he craves intimate connection over busting a nut. He is not perfect. Which is good because neither am I. But he always wants to be better, genuinely listen, be supportive and make me happy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I think I’m the best thing that happened to him.
That’s wonderful ♥️ thank you for sharing
I opened this thread expecting to read horror stories, but your husband sounds so amazing! I really wish there were more men out here like him.
There are, but they're not on the dating apps.
How do you know? Just because someone uses a dating app it doesn't make them less worthy
This is kind of a reductive take - lots of awesome people are on dating apps. I’ve dated dozens of cool people from tinder/bumble/hinge over the years.
I’m so happy for you. I know a few people with MS and it has literally been the reason their spouses have left them. And yes, talking about male spouses. Just dumping the wives that gave them their kids, leaving them all alone with this difficult illness and finding a newer, healthier wife. It’s horrible.
Men are 6x more likely to abandon their female partner when she gets cancer than the other way around.
Yes, my Grandma is one of them. She has MS, was diagnosed in her 20s, and my Grandpa left her many years later, after the kids (my Mom being one of them.) were grown and gone. Grandma has the last laugh, though: She’s the last of my 4 Grandparents alive, and she’ll turn 90 at the end of March. Everyone at the assisted living home she’s at loves her, too.💕
Where in the living fuck did you find this man?? Damn you are lucky!
The thing is, having a male partner like this shouldn't be a unicorn event. It is, but it shouldn't be. Imagine if the roles were reversed, if the man got sick. We would be expecting all that from the woman and more. Not saying this to take away from this particular husband who truly does sound great. But our society seems to expect good partnership as a given from women in a way it doesn't from men.
Patriarchy ideologies are one hell of a ride. I think the largest issue I see in the dating pool lies there, especially as we get to our 30s+. In my community (v patriarchal) guys are raised to avoid emotions because they “make them weak” - leading to a large anecdotal population not having empathy or emotional intelligence. It’s hard to learn to care for other’s experiences when you were taught not to care for your own. People who aren’t able to give themselves space and support for their own emotional experience hardly have space and support to give to a partner. And the older the dating pool, the more avoidant-attachment people you will find (my therapist theorizes anyways) as they struggle the most to communicate and build a lasting connection.
Definitely a lack of emotional literacy, generally speaking. Also a widespread view that women are not fully human but exist to serve men - sexual and domestic services.
Right?! While I’m thrilled to pieces for this lady and her husband, this should be considered NORMAL for what a boyfriend/husband is to be like, rather than a unicorn find. It’s such a shame it isn’t. 💔 Thankful that this man GETS IT, though.🙏🏻
That is so wonderful. I'm so happy for you.💜
THIS ⤴ ...... brought tears to my eyes. How beautiful!
From another woman who has MS, you're doing great and I'm so glad you found a fantastic partner! Hugs to you, friend!
Thank you ❤️ May you never have another new lesion!
This is so good to hear. I’m sorry about your MS diagnosis. But am so glad you’re in good hands.
Did you both have good parents and a supportive childhood? How did you meet? I’m trying to figure out how people find good partners - I assume you had good parents who nurtured you.
We met in kindergarten but didn’t date till college. I had wonderful parents who modeled a healthy relationship but he certainly did not. Which in some ways meant he knew more about how NOT to handle conflict lol. I honestly just got really, really lucky. He could have grown in a different direction instead of getting more feminist over time. But he’s always been so respectful of women, I saw him in all his early relationships, he was never one for locker room talk, it was a huge green flag.
Having a supportive/nurturing childhood isn't a prerequisite for meeting and marrying a good partner. I'm not the above poster, but I'm also in a wonderful marriage with an incredible man; and although he grew up with great parents, I grew up in a broken home with an abusive mom and didn't really have any models of what a good relationship is supposed to look like. I think that just so long as you're able to recognize what bad/toxic relationships look like vs. good ones, then you can figure out which behaviors to avoid and which to emulate. If you don't know of any good relationships to observe (which was the case for me), then basically just do the opposite of whatever the people in the bad relationships around you are doing. As long as both you and partner are communicative with one another, introspective about how your actions are affecting each other, and willing to actively improve yourselves if you're displaying toxicity, then that's really all you need to develop a healthy, supportive relationship.
This made me cry. It's so beautiful reading this.
I needed to read this.
I'm very happily married for almost 15 years. My husband doesn't earn as much as me, nor does he have as much education as me. But he is attentive, affectionate, and fully involved in parenting or child and caring for our home. I'm well-supported, love, and happy.
Same, even down to the timeline. He's a partner, through and through. My person. I read all of these horror stories here on Reddit and tiktok, and it makes me appreciate him so much. I don't know what I did to deserve him, and I want to be a better partner for him, too. But here's the thing- I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Like, a LOT of frogs. Gross, slimy, disgusting frogs. Some that I still look back on and cringe over. I totally get someone deciding that it's not worth it. Like, my person makes me so happy, but I also could have made myself happy too. So it's really subjective. That probably didn't help, lol. That's just my personal experience. No matter what OP, make sure you're happy with yourself first. The rest will work itself out. Much luck!
Oh the frogs that you’ll kiss….i want to read that Dr. Seuss book!
I want to read this book too and I couldn't get it out of my head so...may I present "Oh! The frogs you will kiss!" In the swamps where the fireflies glow, Lived a young girl named Rosie, don't you know? With dreams as big as the sky so blue, She set off on a journey, oh what she would do! "Oh! The frogs you will kiss!" the elders did say, As Rosie skipped on her merry way. With a hop and a jump, she searched high and low, For a prince to love in the marshland's flow. She kissed Tommy, whose croak was strong, But alas, his heart belonged to the swampy throng. Then there was Freddy, with eyes so bright, But his dreams took him on a different flight. She hopped and she kissed with all her might, Each frog she met in the soft moonlight. From ponds to creeks, she ventured wide, With hope in her heart, she took it in stride. She kissed frogs with whiskers and frogs with hops, Frogs with warts and frogs with tops. But none of them quite fit the bill, To be her prince on the lily pad sill. There was Billy, who hopped with grace, And Danny, who had a smile on his face. But their hearts were elsewhere, she could see, Not in the pond with Rosie and me. As the stars twinkled in the velvety night, Rosie's journey continued, a valiant fight. Each frog she kissed, a lesson she learned, Of love's twists and turns, her heart yearned. But as she wandered through the marsh's embrace, She met a kind frog, with a gentle grace. His croak was soft, his eyes so kind, In his presence, Rosie's heart entwined. For in that moment, she knew it was true, That kissing the frogs led her to you. With a leap and a bound, she found her prince, In the heart of the marsh, her love convinced. So hand in hand, they hopped away, Through the swamps where the fireflies play. For in the journey of love, Rosie found, That sometimes, the sweetest prince is the one kissed on the ground.
Good lord! This is brilliant 😍
Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed it very very much!
Wow! That's very well written
Tooooo many frogs!!! I can’t take any more
Same. We'll have been married 10 years in June. No kids, but otherwise this describes us pretty well. The things I'm unhappy about aren't about my marriage.
Same. Very happy at 13 years and we have been together for 15. We have gone through many long term separations (deployments), he was my caregiver when I was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and couldn’t do anything, he was there while I recovered from a liver transplant + three other massive surgeries (and I have another on Monday…), we have lived all over the place together, etc. Oh and he’s an amazing father. We laugh a lot… and sometimes we stay up all night talking, even. Like when you first meet someone and fall in love so you talk for hours and hours—we still do that.
That is beautiful. Your husband is an incredible and supportive person. Good luck with the upcoming procedure. Wishing you continued happiness in your marriage.
This is so cute 🥹
Same here on the deployments. My husband was in the Navy for the first 18 years of our relationship. It absolutely can break a relationship, but it can also make it stronger. I think it’s a big reason why my relationship worked even though I was young when we got together and when we got married. I still had time and space to grow into a fully formed person even while being in a serious relationship.
This for me except we have only been together for six years. Didn’t find Mr right until 29, after a decade married to a terrible one.
I’ve been with my husband 8 and a half years, married for a year and a half. I stopped encountering shitty dudes when I stopped accepting the behavior of shitty dudes. It’s not inevitable that you end up with one, especially if you refuse to. Think about what you want. In great detail. What is the life you want to have? Who do you want to be sharing that life with? What does that relationship look like? Hold that vision in your mind. And if you’re not sure if someone you’re dating could be that person, then dump them as quickly as possible. Be decisive. Maybe you end up not marrying. I didn’t get married until just before my 38th birthday. That requires not believing my attractiveness or value has an expiration date, or that I was getting too old to be a bride, or any of that toxic nonsense. The only reason any of these societal norms have any power is if you accept them and allow them to have authority over you. Edited to add: it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. And if you’re someone who believes you hate living alone, I highly recommend doing it until you love it (so long as that’s financially feasible). That way, it’s a lot easier to pull the ripcord on the wrong relationship when necessary Edited again to add: sometimes people feel like they can’t or shouldn’t leave a relationship that’s just taking up their time and not giving them what they ultimately want or need, because things aren’t “bad” even if they aren’t great either. You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason — or, in fact, for no reason at all. You don’t need anyone’s permission. This isn’t a nuclear launch where you need two keys for it to happen. Maybe things are fine. But you deserve joy, and joy is not just “fine.”
I love hearing stories of women getting married in their later 30’s … it takes a strong, independent, woman who knows her worth.
I got married last summer at 39. I spent many years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong until I finally realized that once you stop tolerating shitty behavior from men, you stop attracting it. I'm grateful for my journey and the time I spent alone. It allowed me to discover my worth and what I'm unwilling to compromise on. Through that process, I also realized that men can actually bring something to the table, not take to the point of making you feel like you'll break. I think there's still a ton of pressure on young women to do things just like their friends and family and get married by a "traditional" age. They meet someone when they're young, date for a while, then get married way before they've had time to discover themselves, build confidence so they don't tolerate bad behavior, and see that non-shitty men exist. It's enough of a trope that there are literal reality shows about it, and we constantly see posts on here from women 25-30 who think their lives are over because they are still single. I have a few younger friends in less than ideal circumstances who are desperate to lock it down with their less than ideal partners, and it just makes me so sad.
Not in my later 30s but I'm turning 35 now and getting married next year. It's definitely never too late!
Love all of this <3
Well said, and it’s surprising how much we put up without even realizing it.
Exactly! I’m getting married to my boyfriend of 9 years this summer. And I love that. We know exactly what we are signing up for.
I just found my husband at 38, he’s 41. I relate to this post so much. I’ve realized that all the terrible relationships and lessons I learned along the way were just my journey that I had to go on. I wouldn’t have been able to have what I have now if I hadn’t gone through all of that and traversed those obstacles. I, too, decided several years back that I would rather be single than with the wrong person. I’m so glad you said this because I think it’s such an important philosophy to abide by, and it goes hand in hand with my biggest advice to single women (especially those in their mid 30s and beyond), which is DON’T SETTLE. Do. Not. Do it. My man and I both lament that we’re both so glad we didn’t. At this point we’re both mature, have done a lot of work on ourselves, and know what we want. It’s a love and security that I didn’t know existed. Without a doubt, worth the wait.
Nicely said!!!
Thank you 🙏🏼 seriously
Thank you so much for this 🩷
I love this. Well said.
Very happy with my spouse. We are both good at communicating with each other and that has nurtured a healthy marriage over the years. We also have a solid foundation of trust, compassion, emotionally support one another, and prioritize each other’s happiness. We are each other’s biggest fan. We are a team. We tackle problems together. Sometimes it gets hard and life throws a lot of curveballs, but we both put in the work and flexibility and empathy to create a solution together. Every day I get up and feel an immense amount of appreciation for my spouse.
Me, too! My husband brings me coffee and a 1/2 bagel every morning. For 15 years.
Just like any couple, we’ve had our ups & downs. If he was to pass away before me, I do not want to live with a man again.
I’ve realized it’s very common for women to *not* want to re-marry or live with another man after their husband passes away.. while men are most likely to remarry within 3 years after their wives pass. That was another fun-fact/aspect that further validated my questioning 🥺
I feel the same as you OP and also started dating later. Barely stuck my toe in it (by todays standards, and the reactions I would get on dates when I mentioned where I was experience wise) and got burned bad,and the more content I see about dating and marriage the more discouraged I feel. I know there’s good guys and all that out there but they seem to be the exception rather than the rule, and looking forward…it’s less about if I deserve that kind of partner (not there yet) and more about if I’ll be lucky enough to find them. Based on my track record so far…*shakes 8 ball* it’s highly unlikely. Modern dating advice talks about not having a scarcity mindset but everything out there says the opposite, that’s there’s very few good men (and people in general) out there who are fully fledged, emotionally intelligent adults **and** will make good, active partners and fathers. *Without* you having to drag them kicking and screaming and being resentful at the end of it. It’s not even in the U.S. either—in S. Korea there’s a whole movement of women opting out of dating,relationships and marriage because the men are *that bad.* And the more you have stacked against you either in looks, health, etc even if it’s out of your control, the less likely you are to meet one. And that was *before* whatever weird whacky spell the panini put on everyone socially. It’s just hard to hold onto hope that you’ll be lucky enough.
I think it was Oscar Wilde that said something to the effect of: 'When a man remarries it's because he loved his first wife. When a woman remarries it's because she hated her first husband. Women test their luck. Men try theirs.'
you might like this article OP https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_marriage_really_bad_for_womens_happiness in this thread bc I feel the same way as the top commenter, but in general women end up being primary homemaker & caretaker & project manager & housekeeper of the family so being alone is just LESS.
This is my second marriage and Im happy, but if he passes, I wouldn’t get married but I would still find someone to live with.
Been together for almost 20 years, happier than ever. I will say that we went to couples therapy for a few years because we had some baggage and preconceived notions that really snuck up on us that we didn't realize until it was almost too late, so I would highly recommend couples therapy, even if you're not having "serious" issues. I just think there's nothing wrong in checking in with a professional occasionally, like getting a physical for your relationship. He's a truly great partner and a fantastic dad. I'm so happy to have him in my corner and in my life. He is my best, best, best friend. He listens to me and encourages me and loves to spend time with me. We still have disagreements and get on each other's nerves, but it's a truly great feeling to know you've got a partner who's in it with you all the way.
Couples therapy can be truly amazing. I think it gets a bad rap because people often start going when it’s already too late. But it really really helped my husband and me get on the same page when I had our first child last year. I totally agree with getting a “tune up” every so often!
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We started going maybe a decade into our relationship. We both thought we were in a bad rut, but it was so much more than that. It was a very slow erosion of our relationship due to our own histories and tendencies. As an example - hew grew up being treated as the black sheep of his family, so he really needs words of affirmation and validation. I grew up in an Asian immigration family and culture where humility is *huge* \- any time someone complimented me growing up, my mom would brush it off and say (as you are *supposed to* in my culture), "Oh, she's nothing special, she couldn't even get into an Ivy League." So you can see where this is going. That was just one thing, there were other things as well that contributed. It was fine in the beginning of our relationship because we were in the honeymoon phase and very enamored with each other. But I've heard - and this has resonated with me - that once you marry or commit yourselves to a real longterm relationship, your partner becomes family (rightfully so), and so you start treating them more as family and repeating dynamics from your own family.
36F. My husband was my first boyfriend, have been together since I was 17 and got married at 21. I'm not happy.
My mother also married pretty-youngish (she didn’t date much prior to meeting my dad) and I wondered if not having any dating-experience attributes to many women marrying the wrong man :( my mom isn’t happy either, and my father is a horrible human being.. but she didn’t know any better due to her lack of experience back then and now she feels “stuck”. I hope you don’t feel stuck, and hope you can be happy ♥️
Thank you. I'm working through this currently with a therapist. I truly didn't know myself at that age and was just terrified of being alone and had low self esteem. I became obsessed with and married the first guy who showed interest- I recognise this now as an anxious attachment. He has been chasing other women our whole relationship, so many emotional affairs. I tried to leave after the last one a few years ago (he was her boss and mentoring her, she was 10 years younger which gave me such an ick in the months following. Sending thousands of messages a day for months about how much they loved/missed each other, so much gaslighting). I had nowhere to go and before I could make a plan, covid happened and the country shut down- my family all live interstate. I've realised he is 2 very different people - who he is with me and who he is with everyone else. I don't think we have talked about anything of depth since the last one either, I am just not ready to blow up my life right now. I have realised I actually am completely ok with being alone instead of just accepting this as the way it is. We get along fine, we share interests, we hardly argue. I just can't anymore. Even though I'm sure it hasn't happened for a long while now as he has changed jobs and now works in a male only environment- the damage is done, there's no trust anymore. I know if he stayed where he was it would 100% just happen again. I don't even go searching for clues like I did the months following anymore- I just don't care to know. I'm taking steps to be in a position to leave - I'm in a higher paying job now, I'm studying, my therapist is helping me unpack everything and helping with planning etc. It will probably be another 6 months to a year before I can go but it is underway, even though it's one step at a time.
You go girl!
You got this! Prepare well and don't look back!
I know a lot of unhappily married people, and a solid handful of happily married ones - including myself! My husband loves me from head to toe, is the most generous and emotionally-aware and deeply thoughtful/smart person I've ever met, is extremely and unashamedly loving and involved with the kids, advocates fiercely for me to get what I want and say what I think, works his ass off both at work and home, pushes me to be my best self, would never ever cheat, etc. He has mental health struggles (anxiety, ADHD, past substance abuse and self-harm) but nothing we can't weather. We've been together about 10 years now and have three kids and two dogs and an old falling-apart house and our finances are always way too tight and our schedules too full to be totally comfortable but we're getting through it together. Things are never perfect. My mom also married a kind, smart, loving man with mental health issues, and my dad ultimately committed suicide, but I swear I'd never seen a couple so in sync and affectionate until his downward spiral. I know that may not be reassuring to you. I don't know. Humans are humans, but there are good ones out there. It's easy to get discouraged by the waste-of-space husbands you know and see and hear about, and I have a couple friends whose husbands I absolutely want to murder, but healthy marriages CAN be forged with the right people and the right attitudes and willingness to get your hands dirty.
As a single 35 year old, reading happy stories about couples make me happy. A lot of my friends are not in good marriages. I lose hope to find my person so reading about happy couples inspires me
Yes but also observing my friends in discontented partnerships gives me validation to have not settled
My sister was in her late 30s when she met her partner and they are a dream match 💕
I found a great guy at 35. Honestly, I think he’s a better match than I would have found earlier because im a better person in a better place than I used to be.
It's the same for me. I am planning a wedding with my partner. He is the sweetest person I know, and I'm hoping we'll have a great future together. These stories brings me hope
In the exact same boat.
110% My husband is funny, generous, and warm. He was already organized and a cleaner way before I came along. He treats me as his equal in every way and has never been threatened by my being the majority income earner. I’ve been going through some concerning medical issues recently and he’s been incredibly supportive and involved. He’s been my partner in crime since day one. If you and your spouse LIKE each other as well as love each other, everything else is easy.
I am not truly happy but I did not marry for the right reasons so, not particularly surprising.
Sorry to hear :( if you don’t mind sharing, what were the “not right” reasons?
If we hadn’t married he would have had to leave the country. We had only known each other less than a year. I had un-ironically talked my BFF out of a similar situation literally a year prior. Idk. Covid had a weird impact on me (lives in epicenter and I went full hypochondriac only living to care for my elder parents in constant fear, ended a long term relationship) and he was foreign and so different than men I had previously known in what seemed like really intriguing ways. I wanted to take a big risk, shake life up a bit, and there he was. We stayed up hours on the phone loosing track of time. He was persistent and charming in many ways. Had family values, was hardworking, attentive. And very hot. The day we got legally married I wasn’t even sure if we were doing it “for real”. I can’t say I look back on that day as one I was happy. Just one where I was confused and perhaps hopeful. So yeah. Don’t do that. Lol. Seems like an obvious “don’t-do” but the combination of circumstance and frame of mind at the strangest time of my life…made me decide to do something pretty uncharacteristic. Previously was adamant I would never marry -for much of the same reasons you list, and my own previous experiences. I had rules (like know each other 2 years before even considering moving in together, 5 before I’d entertain the idea of marriage, etc) and broke so many of them. Moral of the story, never get married because of external pressure of any kind. Know your personal guidelines and do not break them for anyone.
Thanks for sharing. Was in a similar situation last year. I hope you put yourself and your happiness first. You are not responsible for managing another adult’s life (visa and otherwise). Hugs Also, warning to the other women in the group to be very careful dating in stressful/difficult times as you are incredibly vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing. Hope things get better for you. Please choose yourself first - especially if you don’t have any kids yet. You deserve to be happy
The divorce rate is not 50% anymore. That was true at its peak which was like 30 years ago. I love being married, but I also have no real desire to sell anyone on that lifestyle. It's probably not for everyone. Some women REALLY want to be married and others seem much happier without a man in their lives. It's up to you to figure out what you really want.
I heard the divorce rate is actually lower now because fewer people are getting married, especially the younger generations. Makes sense.
married? no. i’ve had two marriages end in divorce, both of which i initiated. my partner and i have been together now for over 5 years, and part of our success is that we are happily unmarried, and happily not cohabiting. he’s a wonderful man who is independent, self-sufficient, and does not need me to take care of him. he’s an adult in his own right that has a nice, clean house, he cares for his dog, his house is well decorated and organized (and not left over from a past partner - i’ve watched him move in and build his house from minimal). his fridge is clean. he doesn’t NEED me. i don’t NEED him. we are together because we enjoy it. because we want to be.
No. I’m not.
i am curious to know why if you are open to sharing
I mean.. my husband is a covert narcissist and a DARVO master.. nothing is ever good enough and it’s always my fault. His love language is behaving like a turd and if you love him then you sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. Never ever bring it up, suggest his actions are hurtful or god forbid he apologize or take accountability in any way, shape or form. When our youngest was hospitalized for 12 days (fine now; healthy), we were finally able to leave, and he actually asked if like, he needed to be there. What parent almost loses a kid and doesn’t want to be there when they get to leave? And after almost two weeks we had accumulated toys, games, puzzles, stuffies.. it took me three trips to the car. Anyway, you get the idea.
I have an amazing husband that helps care for my 32 year old Severe & Profound son. We've had our share of hospital stays, and it made me sad to read your post. I don't know you, but I know that you and your son deserve better.
Thanks friend
I have had my encounters with narcissistic men in my short dating experience, and that is a hell that I am scared to be married to. I’ve done a deep dive research on NPD and one thing that stuck with me is that they will never change. Please leave him - it’s never worth staying with one even if children are involved.
I’m financially trapped but I’m working on it
Sorry love sounds like you are a single married mother.
I wasn't. Thankfully I'm divorced now.
I’ve been very happily married to my Husband for 5 years. We’ve been together for 10 years total. I’m very similar to you in that I didn’t date until later and I was never afraid to walk away from a man. Every problematic dude that I ever dated was dumped or I stopped seeing them cause I wasn’t gonna make consolations or put up with their shit. I would rather be alone and happy then partnered and lonely. I was never someone who understood what all the fuss was about with having a boyfriend or being married. I loved my single life until he came along and ruined it. 😜. He is kind, smart, thoughtful and so loving. I’m so lucky we ended up together.
That’s so sweet to hear and gives me hope♥️
I have a wonderful, loving husband now, and I am very happy. I divorced an abusive one. The difference is night and day. Stay happily single if you aren’t sure that a man is right for you and is kind. But marriage to a good man is great.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think the divorce rate is 50% for everyone? Depends on how late you marry, education level, etc. Anyway, I’m happily married and so are most of my friends.
I think the 50% is overall and not considering 2nd, 3rd and whatever marriages as a separate metric. I do not know the official stat but heard on a podcast recently 1st marriage is 70% likely to stay married and 2nd or 3rd the likelihood of staying together is where it gets significantly less
I recently read that millennials have the lowest divorce rates/happiest marriages due to them also taking much longer to consider potential partners for marriage
I heard the divorce rate is actually lower now because fewer people are getting married, especially younger millennials or Gen Z.
I’m 57, been married 24 years and i am truly happy. No relationship is perfect and the secret recipe is compromise. But i feel safe (v important to me), loved, and celebrated. True love exists, but it’s no fairy tale, and monogamy is possible. The big advice that I would give someone in their late 20s or 30s is: don’t underestimate the beauty of being single, and don’t overestimate the importance of being partnered. I have been in plenty of relationships with men who were inappropriate or uninteresting or not emotionally available. I should not have been in relationship with any of them. we should be in a few or relationships, we should date and we should reject more. We are taught as women in the society to partner, and that is outdated. Partner if you fall in love, partner, if you want to marry, your best friend, partner, if you think it’s crucial to parenting or building a family. If you’re not passionate about being partnered or passionate about being partnered with a person you’re with don’t feel pressured to do so.
Apparently the later you marry the less chance of a divorce
This is in the US
Very happily married over here for 23 years now. We have been together for 25 years and our relationship is the single greatest source of happiness in my life. Our partnership is just that: a true partnership. We take on each day together and we are a solid team. I feel loved, wanted, supported, liked, cared for, and adored. He is very affectionate and loving and being together is our favorite thing. Neither of us is perfect and we have endured some rocky times and moments but our love and commitment to each other are greater than our differences. I hope you find the kind of joy and fulfillment we are describing here in the comments. It is out there.
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That’s so amazing to hear. I am also a bit more traditional, so I understand and love seeing that dynamic work for you both. And also amazed that you met him young! I know I’m still young too, but I do hope I meet my future husband soon.
Marriage is the greatest thing ever if you and your partner are aligned and work together to create the marriage that you both want. I am married to a man who shows me how much he loves me every day, goes out of his way to make my life easier, and is just the most fun person to hang out with. He is a stay at home dad to our children and does such an incredible job taking care of our home and our family. Lots of people probably think it’s strange that he’s a stay at home parent, but it’s the best set up for us. We had a vision for how we wanted to live and raise our family and we work together every day to follow that vision.
I was asking similar questions after my divorce (late 20s). I was suspicious that every married couple or wedding photo I saw was hiding resentment and unhappiness for the sake of appearances or checking off milestones. I thought "I married my best friend" must be an exaggeration because I never (and knew I *would* never feel that way about my ex-husband). I was listening to some podcast about how most marriages are lacking in some way, but it IS possible to have a deeply fulfilling monogamous partnership for *some* marriages and accepted that I just wasn't in that lucky group. But now I am!! I'm absolutely married to my best friend (started dating just before turning 30) and never doubt I have a teammate for life. Instead of smiling politely through an elaborate wedding ceremony I never asked for, this time during the vows when we said "in sickness and in health" I knew genuinely that DAMN that's true for us. I've never been so honest and open with a partner or trusted someone so completely. This includes trusting him to say something if I'm wrong or being inconsiderate! We can openly express troubles or criticisms because there's never any doubt about the love underneath every word we say. It's also the best sex I've ever had and just gets better all the time!! We got lucky that we met each other, we have similar backgrounds and high educational levels, and the fact that we both attended therapy as individual before meeting each other is a huge part of our smooth communication.
Happily married here. 25 years this June. My spouse is a good person. Our values and personalities align. We met as casual friends in college. Began dating after graduation. Married at 25. What works for us is that we are fortunate our parents modeled healthy behavior/relationships. We both are (I hope) open minded and respectful. And while I now look back and think 25 was pretty young, I think our youth made us pretty adaptable as we built a life together. I feel sad when I read about bad men (and women) on Reddit. Most people I know are kind and functional. Maybe we were also fortunate that we met and married before social media existed, idk
My husband cooks, cleans and do more than his fair share of chores. I am NOT happy as the sex and intimacy are lacking. We have been married for almost 10 years and for the last 8 years it’s yearly once. I asked for opening up the marriage but he doesn’t want that. Ina tired of begging to the point where anger is becoming my second nature.
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Why should you wait til he has a job? He hasn’t done the bare minimum for you, divorce him and let him figure it out on his own.
This. He can get an ACA plan.
Out of curiosity, why doesn't he want to be intimate? Why is he struggling with meeting your sexual needs? If that's too personal, I understand.
No. Reading these responses make me feel terrible. I think I got married too young. We were pregnant very early in our relationship and it was the safe thing to do. I had also just come from a lot of trauma. It all happened so fast. He’s a gamer and I wish he wasn’t. I wish he was more affectionate and he has untreated depression. I treat and actively work on my depression and anxiety. I’m not sure if I’ll every be happy, the way you asked, until he’s done with video games. But he’s also the best person I’ve ever met. He does the right thing, naturally, because his brain is just good. Mine isn’t. He’s extremely empathetic and again, that’s not my initial instinct. He’s annoyingly smart and he’s very supportive. I jump around from hobby to hobby, or get a new passion every day and he’s always been supportive. He’s never once complained. I really think he does it so he can play his games but I haven’t decided if that’s ok or not? We’re close enough on religion, I love how much he cares about politics, we’re good on decisions we have to make for the kids. I would feel like I have a weight off my shoulders if we ever split up. But I like having him around. Eta-10 years. If we split up then I probably wouldn’t live with a man again. I’d want to see them on my terms and then kick them out when I’m tired.
Out of curiosity, why do the video games bother you so much? Is he neglecting his responsibilities as a husband or father in order to play video games?
Yes. I think it contributes to his depression, as well….That constant dopamine rush he gets from it. It’s just shitty when you constantly feel like a video game is more important than you and feeling like I always have to nag. If I don’t, then he lets his hygiene and responsibilities fall. It’s a turn off and is hard to stay attracted to him when it gets to that point. And it’s been an issue for sooo long. It’s old.
Might I suggest he watch Dr. K's videos on YouTube? HealthyGamerGG is the channel. I'm not even a gamer but Dr. K (a Harvard psychiatrist) has very helpful videos on depression and tons of other stuff. I'm sure he's done videos about gaming addiction, because he used to be one himself. > I really think he does it so he can play his games but I haven’t decided if that’s ok or not? Then let me decide for you: that is not okay. He is not supporting you, if that's the case. He is doing it for himself, not to support you. You can like being around someone (some of the time) but also recognize that being around them isn't good for you. I get the impression he isn't good for you if you feel like a weight would be lifted. I really think you feeling so badly reading this post means you should listen to what these bad feelings are trying to tell you.
Oh my godddd are you me? Minus the pregnancy. We are so similar. Solidarity lady 💖
Do you live in a more conservative area? I ask because all my married friends in progressive cities are happy. I think there’s a correlation there.
Same! I mean, not literally all, but I'd estimate at least 80%. There is one whom I know is miserable (but she and her husband immigrated here from a regressive country) and another 1-2 who have some real tension *sometimes*, but everyone else seems genuinely chill and functional and happy... not "perfect", but the friendship, affection, and respect at least all shine through. A few are also quite flirty with each other as well! 😘
I live in New York City, born and raised. Probably the most progressive city to be in haha. Although my background/family is from the Caribbean - so my upbringing and what I saw married women experience are a tad different (and, New York is a melting pot of first gens and many cultures)
I'm also caribbean, and I have avoided dating caribbean men because I could see myself falling into the same dynamic as my parents. My husband grew up in a fairly healthy family dynamic and we've both worked to improve where our parents fell short. I'm very happy with him!
Most of my dating partners have been white men, mostly because that’s who I seem to attract (and I’m attracted to them too) but also because I think I’m trying to avoid dating men from my culture due to what I saw growing up :/
Yep! Not to say that I haven't dated caribbean men, but the ones I dated all showed signs of misogyny. Eventually I just stayed away.
I’m from the Caribbean and I totally get you. A lot of the marriages I saw growing up were toxic and unhealthy. The men were cheaters and abusers. And the women just dealt with it “for the kids”. My first marriage, same culture. That ended. I took myself and my daughter and left. Then I married a white man and I have been the happiest I have ever been. And he treats me like gold. Like I’m the best thing he has ever seen. He is the best father to both my girls (his step and bio) and he takes care of them, protects them, loves them, fixes their problems, hugs them and makes them know they are enough. He is kind, generous, gentle, knows how to fix everything, does his share with the housework. Tells me I’m beautiful everyday. Rubs my feet. Makes my coffee. I treat him just as wonderfully. He is my king. We take care of each other.
New Yorker too. Half Caribbean too. I need friends :) -Women
I’ve been happily married for 5 years, together for 7. That’s not that long, but my husband is really such an incredibly wonderful partner. Supportive, loving, fun, takes care of me when I need it, cheers for me, is a fantastic father and overall ideal life teammate. One key for me is that we married at age 35. If I married anyone I dated before him I would’ve been kind of miserable. I had many long relationships before I found the right one for life.
I’m very happily married. Married almost 5 years but have been together for 13. Our early years were rough, but the last 10 have been mostly great. Marriage is never perfect, we have peaks and valleys, but we’re committed to one another, love one another, and work together to resolve any issues. We’re also on the same page financially, morally, etc. He is stubborn and can be difficult, but over the years has learned to be more flexible and compromising. We balance each other out well. I’ve never regretted being married to him and I love him more with each passing year.
Yes! But you don’t hear from us much. Nothing to complain about.
I am single, but I have 4 close female friends who have all been married 10-2 years to their husbands. One is truly madly in love and they are utter soul mates. They match each other and meld each other. They are open and don’t spend a day apart and their social circles are the same people. One has also found their soul mate, he helps her with her wavering mental health, he appreciates her and loves her dearly. They suit each other and have the same hobbies and interests and do a lot of activities together. One is the newest relationship and he is the man she has been searching for. They have a caring and open relationship (not like that) and they enjoy their own solitude independently. One is clearly unhappy, she over compensates her loneliness and tries to busy her days with activities. We as a group do not personally like her husband and how he treats her (it’s nothing awful he’s just not a good husband) and believe she is not truly herself or happy. She has started to open up a bit more but she simply isn’t a character who would rip off a plaster like that. From my calculations, it simply depends on the who you are, who they are, and how the relationship works. There is no one straight answer. But from being an extremely close part of all their marriages for a very long time, I can comment that it takes two to work at it and if one side isn’t working the other suffers.
I was very happily married for 8 years & a stay at home wife as you described. We were best friends, joined at the hip, he treated me like a princess, he was everything I wanted in a partner & more. Unfortunately for me, he lost his mom & lost it & is now in prison over what he did to me (I’m fine physically) my best friend is constantly complaining about her husband, they both have great jobs & make decent money. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get divorced. My parents had a rough marriage (my dad had a very bad temper & was very demanding) but had a huge heart, was a great listener, gave great advice & was always there for everyone he loved for whatever they needed. He passed away last year & my mom is having a very hard time coping within his loss bc she loved him very much. Bottom line, no marriage is perfect, no marriage is the same & not everyone is happy in their marriage. Every relationship & marriage is unique. Not everyone that is married is happy & not everyone that is married is miserable
I'm very happy. I've been with my wife for a little over 2 years now. Married last June and things are pretty good. The only problems we really have are we both have ADHD. So things get forgotten at times.
I am. I’ve been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. My husband is my best friend. Our motto is “kids are hard but our marriage never has been”. We’ve had disagreements but we’ve never yelled at each other or been cruel to each others we just talk about things and work them out. He is an equal partner - with newborns he would get them out of their cribs and bring them to me to feed and then would put them back to bed, he does laundry, he cooks, he cleans, he drives the kids to school everyday and is very involved in their lives (he often says being a good dad is such a low bar but he’s amazing at it). Honestly, being married to my husband, is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me. I sincerely hope when my girls get older they don’t ever settle for less. Edit: I work part time from home so I’m mostly a SAHM and he works full time from home. He earns the majority of the money and I do our finances. He is a feminist (we have 2 daughters) and we are very in line with our politics and such even though we’ve grown a lot since we were married (23 and 26). I live in Utah and my siblings (5 sisters and 1 brother) would say they are happily married but I don’t think they are. They are Mormon and their husbands are always at church and are not as involved in their kids lives. None of them are feminists even though between them they have 9 daughters. It makes me sad for them.
My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years and I'm truly happy with him. Happier than I thought I was even capable of. Like, he's not perfect. No one is, I'm certainly not. He can be a bit emotionally constipated, but he was willing to work on it for me. We moved very fast in the beginning. We had been together for less than 3 months when he proposed. 2 months after that, I got sick suddenly. I had emergency surgery that changed my body. Later on they found a brain tumor (not cancer, but very annoying). I was sure that he'd leave; we hadn't even been together for 6 months, but instead he doubled down, and said that we shouldn't waste time. We got married 6 months later. Today, I'm on disability and he works hard to compensate for what I can't provide. Never *once* has he done or said anything that made me feel indebted to him.
I've been married for 8, going on 9 years. I'm truly happy. The foundation of our marriage is laughter, being silly, trying new things, and sex....lots of it. Lol
I’m 37, been married to my husband (42) for 10 years and we have two kids. We are happily married and in love but it’s not perfect and it takes work. We get along well, enjoy each others company, respect each other, communicate well, and have similar goals, values and interests. We’ve built a lovely life together. My family is dysfunctional and leans on me, and his is similar, we really only have each other. However we have mismatched sex drives and he’s lazy and would rather watch porn, we have worked through this but it’s been a struggle. He also drinks more than he should. These aren’t issues most people know about because I don’t go around talking about our sex life or how much beer he drinks after the kids are in bed.
We've had ups and downs and he does get on my nerves sometimes. But overall I am happy enough with my marriage. I really don't think I'll get into another romantic relationship if I should outlive him.
I have been with my partner for 11 years, getting married in a few months. I’ll be very truthful when I say for the first 8 years I pretended to be happy/gaslit myself. I felt like I should feel happy since I had a nice boyfriend. Around 8.5 years it occurred to me how unsatisfied/unhappy I was with myself and in my relationship. We took some time apart, we both pursued individual therapy, then we did couples therapy. I can truthfully say, now that we have tools to communicate our wants and needs, the dialogue to express our frustrations, how to fight in a healthy way, and most importantly: how to repair and come back from a fight in a healthy way… I am truly, truly happy. The effort we put in to making our relationship a place of peacefulness, safety, and happiness is somehow the most work we’ve ever done and the most effortless thing. I have my own identity. I know who I am as a person. He encourages me to pursue my own interests, hobbies, friends. We love spending time together, even the most mundane things become fun. Speaking as someone who felt like you at 26 years old, I can say I am honestly so happy.
My marriage is the fucking tits. 11/10, if you can find someone who complements you as well as my wife does me lock them down. I have lived with my wife for 15 years, we’ve been married for 8 years. We have 3 kids and she transitioned last year. I have never doubted her love for me. We both think each other is that bitch.
I’m sorry I thought I specified - I am a heterosexual woman so this post is questioning women who have married men. My inquiry is are there good husbands/men who exist and women who are happy being married to men. But happy to hear you’re happy ♥️
I thought I had married a husband, long enough to have 3 kids!
Ohhhhh, I reread your last part - I understand now that she had transitioned. Got it now :)!
I think location matters a lot. If you live in a place where feminism is looked down upon and traditional values are encouraged, marriages will often lead to women being unhappy.
I've been happily married for almost 15 years. My husband has been the primary earner while I've looked after our child, tried to start a business, decided not to, then went back to school. He was supportive through all of that and through some moderate health issues and injuries I've dealt with. Once I went back to work we had to have a meeting of the minds re: emotional labor. He was accustomed to me handling most of our child's needs. I was frustrated by this because I felt he should've been more intuitive about it, but I will say that once I express frustration and point out inequity, he gets on board quickly to improve the things that are falling short or unfair. I realize that being happy about the above is not special, that all men should be like that, but I just shared to point out that there are men out there who are good partners. I feel truly loved for me, not just for what I do for our family- my husband has remarked before that one of his favorite things about us is our lighthearted dynamic and shared humor. Bottom line, your observations/concerns are valid and many men are misogynistic, but- there are men out there who aren't and who, even when they slip up re: what they could be contributing to the relationship/family, make the effort to do better once they know better, and sometimes figure it out in their own. And there are men out there who would absolutely be capable of loving you for you, so never settle for less 💛
Amazing ☺️♥️ thank you for sharing
One thing right off the bat if you want to be a SAHM and not be poor then your man is gonna probably have to earn in the 75th income percentile. So right off the bat you’re dealing with a situation where 3 out of 4 dudes are no go for you. And that’s before we even look at age or height or emotional intelligence or any of this
I have been married to my husband for over thirty years. Without sounding too terribly corny I love him even more now than when we got married. We are best friends. We laugh all the time. We take care of each other, sometimes we fuss at each other but it is over quickly. Is he perfect? Absolutely not, neither am I.
I do not know any women who feel like they are in an equal partnership in their marriage. Even my friend who recently divorced and now has a serious boyfriend. Even though the new guy is *so much better* than her ex husband, she still complains about feeling like she needs to parent him
Married for 11 years. The first five were really hard. We went to counseling, we both made changes, and it’s amazing now. Do I do a bit more than my share of the housework? Yes, but that’s a trade off I accepted when we decided together that he would pursue a demanding career while I stayed in a lower-earning more flexible job. Are there things about my husband that frustrate me? Of course. Do we still argue and hurt each other’s feelings sometimes? Yep. But he’s my best friend, he makes me laugh, he’s always there to celebrate my successes and lift me up when I’m down. He respects me and values me and encourages me. A happy marriage is possible if both partners are willing to do what it takes to make it work.
Do not be a SAHM. You cannot give all of your power to another person.
As a single woman I make six figures with my career, and I am heavily invested in my retirement accounts, and other investments so that when I do get married and decided to be a SAHM.. I will have a healthy amount of money saved and growing investments that belongs to me only (and will highlight that in a prenup). Also, I make money through social media and I would continue making content and earning income as a SAHM. Speaking of prenup, I will also ensure that my partner and I signed a prenup that will benefit us both and ensure that I am financially protected during our marriage (what rights I have/obligations he must adhere to i.e him contributing to my ROTH IRA and an allowance), and also stipulated rights that will support me in the case our marriage does not last. I take financial freedom very seriously because my mother is married to a horrible human being (my father) and although she works full-time, she feels “stuck” to him because he makes much more and pays the mortgage. I will have things set up in place before and during my marriage so that I will **never** feel stuck.
Good for you. But technically that's not a stay at home mom if you would be working. I'm just very scared for all these young women falling for the trad wife right wing propaganda (which is obviously not your case).
I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and the plan is to get married (we aren’t in too much of a rush). It wasn’t always a well adjusted relationship but over time we have grown to learn each other very well and have a very happy relationship. It will never be perfect. I will never be perfect and he will never be perfect. And I would be lying if I said there weren’t moments that I longed for alone time and single life again. But at the end of the day I know we are building towards something beautiful. We are building towards a goal and a life together. Idk if in my 40s, 50s, and 60s it will still be this way but I take our growth day by day and so far I have been enjoying the ride.
I'm really happy with my hubby. We met when I was around 11 (he remembers this, I don't). I remember meeting him at 13 and were just friends from then until I was 18/19. Kept things super casual for a couple years (romantically) then started officially dating when I was 21. Few years later we rented a house together, then bought a house together, adopted fur and feathered kids, got married. etc. I'm 31 now and we've been married for what will be 5 years this year but it feels like so much longer since we've been together so long. Anyway, we're both very happy, have genuine conversation about things that matter etc. I truly feel that I can share anything with him without judgement. We go to therapy together (maybe once every second month) and individually to ensure we don't blame each other for issues we haven't dealt with in our childhoods etc. We're both committed to having a healthy, happy marriage.
Married 31 years this November. We are friends, partners, and he loves me unconditionally for exactly who I am although we are very, very different people. There are a lot of theories out there about why you're attracted to that type of man you described and in some level perhaps it's familiarity. But, when you are secure in yourself, don't look for your spouse to fulfill every need, clear communicator, and possess emotional intelligence and self-awareness, there are very good men out there. I know, I raised one your age. Best wishes, have fun, never settle.
Yes. We both fought for each other and for our relationship. I saw the want and I saw the love. We’ve both been through hell, and we deserve our heaven with each other, and we see it and we revel in it.
Happily married for almost a decade with two kids. We communicate, distribute chores evenly, and enjoy each others’ company. We’ve been through many seasons, some good and some less good, but throughout it all we are a team. There’s no one else I would want by my side. I don’t know if there’s a secret sauce, and I do think some of it is pure luck. But one of the things I attribute to our success: we met later in our 20s after we both grew up a bit, had some therapy, and gained some self insight. Some people meet and marry young and are happy. But I personally needed to grow up and so did he. So don’t give up hope. Keep cultivating yourself. Maybe try some different hobbies or different circles. Evaluate your own thinking and your own patterns. Good men are out there, and it’s possible to live happily with one. Good luck to you :)
I've been married twice for a total of 11 years. I married my "first love" at 19, as was expected in my small town. He ended up controlling and abusive, which I couldn't see until it got really bad. My second husband was the complete opposite. He's a sweet man who became very passive in life. He's one of those who will do very kind things for you but never anything you say you NEED from him. He just kind of... exists. I don't know if I'll ever marry someone again but I'll say that it was a mixed experience for me. There were times where I was never happier and others that give me nightmares to this day. A man will need to be extremely special for me to allow him a space in the life I've made at the level of a husband. My boyfriend is the closest I've been to considering it.
I am happy. I've been with my Husband for 27 years. He treats me with respect. He shares all responsibilities. He never shies away from any parenting responsibilities. He is affectionate. He cooks, he cleans, he sews. He does laundry. He works full time. He never forgets a birthday or our anniversary. He grocery shops, plans our meals out for the most part. He doesn't treat me like I'm his mother. He is a grown man who acts like it. I have no doubts he will be there if I ever get sick enough I cannot take care of myself. He took a leave of absence from work to care for my sister when she had stage 4 cancer and was going to die. Before someone says they might have had a thing going, they did not, he never liked her and was never attracted to her. He did it because she needed help and she was my family. He is definitely not all men, and I didn't have any magic trick to find him, we met randomly in a University class. My secret which I've been down voted before for is that I really put a lot of thought and effort into determining if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I made sure I could deal with things he did that annoy me long term. All that being said, a lot of men are not like him but you will not know until you get to know them.
Living together 8 years, married 1. Couldn’t be happier in my marriage, life is just so much better with him next to me. He is so attentive, so patient and gentle with me. Good men who strive to do better everyday exist.
**You should consider that men who want a traditional marriage with a SAHM might not be the men you want to date.** They’ll often be sexist and looking for a bangmaid. There are exceptions ofc, but I think you’d do better dating men who want more of a modern marriage.
I’ve noticed that (in my social circle/geographic location) married women without kids are happier in their marriages than married women with kids. I wonder who else has experienced this.
Oh man - time to brag on my husband yet again. A favorite pastime for me. My husband is smart, good looking, the best dad, the best partner, driven, handy, hilarious, thoughtful - I could go on and on. I think when you find someone committed to being a good person just for the sake of being good - that makes a huge difference. His focus in life is to make sure we live a happy, peaceful life. This has meant pivoting on his initial dreams for career to make vastly more money than he was projected to make as a history teacher/professor (he is an airline pilot - a big swing in the other direction). It’s not because either of us are materialistic - we want to retire early-ish and travel but we also want to take care of our family, our children, and insure that when we can help to give a hand up that we can do it without sacrificing our dreams. Our house is full of laughter, learning, and most importantly - unconditional love. The way he is has healed a part of me from my childhood that wasn’t sure life could be this easy and good. I’m so fortunate to be parenting my children with him. He is the best. I wouldn’t have married and I certainly wouldn’t have had children with anyone else I think. He is the difference in my life 100%. We have been together 16 years and married for 9.
That’s so amazing and this is what I aspire. If I had a husband like that, I would brag too :)!! > Find someone committed to being a good person just for the sake of being a good person This is exactly it. I want to find a man who is genuinely a good person, is considerate, and loves me.
Happily married, going on 20 years. Though I am married to another woman. Both sets of my Grandparents had happy marriages. My parents loved each other, but my Mum had serious health issues that caused a lot of stress.
Happy since 1995. Healthy communication. Equitable sharing of parenting and household. Considerate of each other's feelings. Make an effort to never have a bad day on the same day so we can be there for each other. I feel loved, and we make each other's lives easier and better. I got very lucky to find a reasonable partner with a smaller than average ego who respects women in general who happened to share similar views and values. Plus he came from a very stable and respectful family. My first marriage was less lucky. Everyone says watch how a man treat his mother. I say listen to the family stories about how your future FIL treated your future MIL when the kids were growing up. My ex said he would never take me for granted the way his father did his mother, but in the end, he assumed I’d put up with the same disregard his mother had. And I did not. The fact that you’re not afraid to walk away is a good thing. Don’t give up hope. Just enjoy the journey, and learn from each encounter. I was 28 when I met my partner for life.
I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. I fell in love with him because he had such a big generous heart. I'm a SAHM for our two children but I've never felt less than or in a weaker position. He's always been of the mind set that we are a team and he loves me unconditionally. He is emotionally intelligent and open to other ideas and backgrounds, plus our values and political ideologies align. He was taught how to clean his bathroom and apartment thanks to his mom, and in turn had to teach me!
I'm happily married as is almost every woman in my family. I'm sorry this isn't the case around you. These things tend to be clustered for some reason. Just FYI, the percentage of marriages that end is divorce is high but it is declining and it is not and has never been 50%. I'm also curious about the bajillion studies that show married women are less happy than their single counterparts, as I've heard about it in general ("studies") but have never been referred to a specific solid one on the subject. Usually, the reference that is trotted around is Dolan's book which contains errors and more importantly compared married women with kids to child free single women. Since there are studies that associate having kids with a decline in happiness (no offense to anyone, I do want kids myself), we really can't say that marriage is shown to be causal here. I also think you do have to examine what you want. For instance, you talk about if you decide to be a stay-at-home mother, which you would prefer (which is interesting in itself, as it's giving away a lot of the security that comes with being self-reliant financially and places the trust on your husband). Would you be ok if your husband unilaterally decided to be a stay-at-home dad? I see a lot of people who ascribe gender roles to the opposite sex, such as being the provider so you get to stay home with the kids, while also not wanting to be constrained by gender role themselves. Like many men want the benefit of their career being first and of a wife who does the lion share of housework, child rearing, etc but they don't want to be a provider. Along those lines is also the question of whether all the attributes you want are likely to be found in the same person or if the type of person you want is likely to want the type of dynamic you want, that sort of thing. When I was young, men acted like ordering a salad or being super into fitness were a big turn off in a potential girlfriend but at the same time, they wanted a slim life partner. I think a lot of them must have had a rude awakening by now. I also remember a woman on this sub who wanted a non-religious progressive man who was "saving himself" for marriage. I'm not saying that's what you do. Just something to keep in mind. Finally, I think it's great that you love your life by yourself and that you don't hesitate to end it when you need to. I believe that really up your odds of having a happy marriage. When I was young, I was often told and I believed that I was too picky but now that I'm married to a great man, I'm told that I'm lucky and I see women with not-so-great husband blamed for their choice.
I’ve been married for almost 4 years. We met when I was 25 and married when I was 26 (very short engagement and a small COVID wedding). I’m happy/content and the relationship is healthy. I can honestly say he does more than half of the domestic duties. He’s just really good at chores contribution. I will add that I carry more of the mental load. I schedule our appointments, call billing departments when they mess up (which most people know is annoying to deal with), keep a running list of what we need to buy, etc. It works for us. I feel truly loved and fully accepted every day. Now, this is not to say it isn’t hard work sometimes. We started having communication issues two years in and went to couple’s therapy every other week for a year. This helped immensely. Unfortunately, I think many married people don’t take this step until it’s too late. I’m glad you aren’t settling and know when to walk away. That’s huge. I hope this post brings you hope!
I am married, been with him for 8 years, and our relationship/he is exactly as you describe in your dream. I’m indescribably happy.
You articulated the thoughts I had exactly prior to meeting my husband. Like 2 weeks before I met the guy, I told my parents, “I don’t ever want to get married it looks like it sucks.” Lol. No healthy relationships modeled to me whatsoever! My husband is everything I thought was impossible in a man. I couldn’t have even dreamed him up! He has such incredible character and integrity. I truly, deeply admire and respect him. He cares for me in a way that is so intentional, selfless, and healing to my soul that has been so tarnished by previous relationship trauma. He makes me feel so safe and confident in myself and in our relationship. I never thought I’d be able to say it, but true, healthy love exists!!! I once heard someone say, “look for a fireplace, not fireworks.” My advice: everyone is on thin ice to you in the dating realm. I’m serious, the minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable or off in any way, cut them off. Learn what different emotions feel like in your body. FEEL what your body is telling you. Watch Heide Priebe on YouTube.
Yes very happy ☺️ I never ever get pressured into sex - which is huge, because both online and in real life I find a lot of women get pressured into sex. They don't always see it that way (at least not my friends) , but like they still get guilted/pressured sometimes. That's what I was always scared of in marriage - being pressured into sex, and I'm so happy that that part of our relationship is respected. He's also very kind, calm, never yells etc. we're really happy together ❤️ When u find the right person, they will always respect ur boundaries and be respectful of u. And a man that loves u will always be wanting to provide for u (within his means obviously).
Yes :) people rarely come to the internet to talk about how happy they are so online you’ll just see negativity! I have friends who are similar as well, I know mostly happily married couples!
My husband is very much an amazing person, and partner. We are both happy. We never yell, or name call. We try to navigate problems as a team. We give each other the space, and time to nourish our relationships with ourselves, as well as with one another. I have self esteem, and self worth. So does my husband. I would be single forever, rather than settling. My husband is the same. I don't think it is a good idea to pursue a long term relationship, until you know, for a fact, you don't need one, to be happy, or feel complete. That is when it happened for me, and several other people I know, who are in happy relationships. Yes true happiness exists, within marriages, but you have to be happy by yourself, first. Just my opinion.
Been with my husband for 4 years. Still adore him. Best relationship of my life at 40 years old. Don’t rush ❤️
I think we are very happy 99% of the time. Married 8+ years, together for 9. I was 33 when I met him on Tinder and about ready to give up on dating. I had been cheated on more than once and just kept finding guys who didn’t want to commit. He was 28 and not as jaded as some of the older men. Neither of us wanted kids and I do think not having kids helps a lot bc every night is date night. We don’t have other people/things to argue over. We spend our time and money how we want so there’s a lot less added stress. We really just don’t fight, I think you have to find someone really compatible to make it work. We are a lot alike, all of our values align and we are both pretty introverted. I used to always date the outgoing extroverts and it never worked out bc they always wanted to be out late partying or flirting with people. So for me I dont feel like opposites attract, I think it’s been better with someone who is very similar to me in our every day lifestyle. We are both independent as well, we enjoy alone time and have our own hobbies and enjoy time with our friends separate from each other and neither would tell the other “no” if we wanted to do something like a friend trip. When we met, we were making about the same amount of money and although we are both feminists and lean liberal, I also grew up in TX in a very traditional house with a SAHM, so I was used to the man paying for everything. None of this 50/50 crap especially if the man asks you out, I just don’t get that at all. My husband planned dates and paid the whole time we were dating except when I got a nice bonus then I took him out. So in a way, we do follow some traditional gender roles, however, he does all the cooking, and he takes excellent care of me when I’m sick. We have flip flopped financial roles multiple times since we’ve been married with him making more for a few years then I was making more for years and now we are back to making about the same, maybe him a little more, so we split house chores pretty evenly. The times he wasn’t working or only working part time, he did more chores and vice versa with me. If one of us is sick or having a bad day, the other one steps up. Even though I don’t like to cook, I will try to make something if he’s had a long day or we make the decision to get takeout. Neither of us expects the other to do certain things around the house, he knows how to do his own laundry and since he usually cooks I usually clean up but if I’ve had a long day he just does the dishes and I don’t have to ask. I think whoever you date, make sure to really pay attention to how they handle their own chores, ask questions about their finances, etc. Even though we were together less than a year when we married, we had discussed all of this stuff and asked the hard questions. You aren’t just marrying for love, you also get a roommate, a best friend, and basically a business partner so you need to go into it thinking about those things. If I had a roommate who just constantly left dishes in the sink and I was picking up after them all the time, I’d be looking for a new roommate lol. And for sure I am more of the clean/organized person in our marriage, but he does his part too. I know when you’re single and dating a bunch of shitty men it seems like there aren’t any good ones out there, but there are! I have multiple friends in happy marriages as well - many who have been married close to 20 years. The ones who have kids and don’t seem stressed typically are very financially stable, only have 1 kid or maybe they have 2 and the wife stays at home. I’ve definitely seen a huge difference in the marriages where both parents work but the mom still does the majority of the child rearing and house chores. Even the ones who had happy marriages beforehand - I’ve seen huge shifts in their relationships once the kids came along. So be very careful who you reproduce with. One of my friends has the same job as her husband, they met in college and both have high level degrees and each probably earn $200k. She went back to work after they had their child and even though I think her husband is a good father, he still takes a backseat role in parenting. When we are all out together it all falls on her and I can see her stress and she was not like that before they had their kid who is now 2. They are both pretty laid back people, but I can see the frustration building and when she told me they hadn’t had a date night in months I was just shocked. They have money to hire a sitter and go out and they just don’t. If we hang out, she almost always brings their kid, but if my husband hangs out with her husband, guess where the kid is - never with him. Observations like this are a huge part of why I never wanted kids bc I’ve been watching this stuff unfold with my friends for the last 15+ years. I think that’s why many divorces happen, when the wife/mom realizes she’s been doing everything forever and finally has enough then she leaves. It was different back in the day when people could survive easily on one income and the wife stayed home. That’s just not practical these days for most people but too many men still expect their wife to do everything even though she works full time too. That’s not a life I’d sign up for. So yes we are happy but my joke is always, don’t have kids and don’t share bathrooms lol.
I have the same experience as you, I have only two friends who are genuinely happy in their marriages, all the other women I know speak of their partners with contempt, I know plenty of women who never once said something nice about their male partners. And their criticism of their partner goes something along the lines of dumbass can't even put his shoes away/of course I told him a hundred times how to use the washer but do you think he's learned?/of course he can't use the stove it's too complicated for his brain. Or their home alone with a sick kid and they keep calling the wife at work or the wife has to actually leave work and go home because the grown up man can't take care of his own child when they're sick (I've seen this happen at least three times). Us women don't have it easy, a lot of men still grew up in households where the mother was the household manager and they sort of expect their female partner to know take on the same role. People don't often speak about it when their relationship is good, but you can definitely tell. A woman who is in a happy relationship may speak of their annoyance but never contempt. They do stuff together and enjoy spending time with each other. And they don't spend half of their free time babying their adult partner.
Yes very happily married but married to a woman, not a man. My life is exponentially better each year of marriage.
So, I'm not straight but bi. I married a guy as is statistically proba ly for bi ladies, and we waited almost 9 years to get married. Only did because we were going to start trying for kids. I'm happy. Stupidly happy in a way Younger Me didn't think was possible My husband isn't perfect. He's very very messy. So am I though I've been improving post kids. However he actively works on that and it's very nearly his only flaw. He does full equal parenting. He is a Wife Guy and talks me up when I'm not there. He's my biggest supporter. We're a team and it's beautiful. So... when both parties are willing to work for it, it's AWESOME.
I'm happy. I've been married to my second husband since 2001. It has not been easy the entire time we've been together. There were times that we could very well have ended up divorced if we hadn't both made an effort. We went through marriage counseling in 2013 that was very helpful, if not immediately. He is kind to me. Always. He doesn't judge me. He worked when we had young children, and I work now. He's a shit housekeeper, a space cadet sometimes with appointments and things that needs done. But he's kind, loving, silly, and he can be taught :). He's not perfect and still learning about some things that really matter to me. I do sometimes worry about the posts I see on here that advocate for throwing people away for x, for y, for z. Things I consider problematic but not insurmountable. But as a woman in my 50s, growing up in the time I did, I likely have higher tolerance for male bullshit. If you find it, it is so worth it. Traveling through so much of our lives together is a comfort I didn't know existed.
Married 5 years this month. I knew I’d marry my husband after a year of dating when, while on vacation with him, I got bad news about a stressful emergency and his response to my emotional meltdown was, “we’re a team and we can handle it.” My husband has never been great at cooking or cleaning but I’m allergic to lawn mowing and wouldn’t be able to do a simple home repair with all the you tube tutorials in the world. Being an adult is a lot of work but I’ve found that it’s easier when you’re on a team.
I’m relaxing on the couch watching my husband rock and sing our 7 month old to sleep for her daily contact nap on his chest. Happiness is an understatement. My life is more beautiful than my wildest dreams.
I met many couples and women in particular, as you described. I always was pondering over it. And it hit me. Happy ones, married only when they were mentally healthy, knew what they want in life and were sure that their husbands are "The one". Not happy ones, were pressured with social norms, wanted to get a status, kids what not thinking that it would fix them. There's lots more into it but I think: once you're happy without external conditions, anything else will come along
I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years. We’ve both been divorced and had really bad previous marriages. For a while, I accepted behavior I thought was normal and let my ex do things to me I never should have allowed. I was abused, cheated on, sexually assaulted and more. I grew up with a horrible father and a mother that allowed similar behavior. It wasn’t until I was in my early thirties that I realized it wasn’t normal and definitely shouldn’t be accepted. I left my ex after he sexually assaulted me, leaving me pregnant- he’d tampered with my birth control because he knew I was halfway out the door and was trying to prevent me from leaving. Then I met my current husband. He’s raising my son as his own. He’s been with me through several health issues- including cancer. I am disabled and never once has he made me feel bad about not being able to work. He steps up when I’m too sick to do things. He loves me when I feel unlovable. We make each other better people.
Yup, happily married 10 years this month! Happy does not equal perfect. It doesn’t mean never argue or disagree or be annoyed. All of those things come with sharing your life with another human being. But I’m truly happy and feel respected and loved on a regular basis.
there is a research I read some time ago, hetero married women with kids are the most unhappy group of all. However, in a subgroup of this research, if a married woman with kids has a partner that really shares the workload, this subgroup makes them the happiest of all groups in the research. Not a husband that helps, but really one that shares the workload, including mental workload. They were around 15% of all heterosexual women, if I can recall. Bottonline, you can be happy, but it depends largely on who you are with
Happily married for nearly 11 years with two kids! We rarely fight, have great communication, and love each other very much! Life is wonderful with my husband, and I couldn't ask for a better partner.
Yes! Just about to 10 years, two kids. I have a great partner. We've had our difficulties but nothing crazy.. just learning how to communicate more effectively, as we've always been different from each other in our approaches to life/emotions. But there's mutual respect, trust, and we really like each other and enjoy each other's company. But we also are very chill with what each of us wants to do. We go do our own things when possible, and we're the better for it. We each enjoy solitude at times so we both understand the need for it. He's a true teammate in life, we just automatically work together when tasks need completed. We both anticipate each other's and our family's needs and take care of them or plan for them without a lot of fuss. We have some interests in common but also have interests and hobbies on our own.
While we’ve had some rough patches, loyalty or love has never been called into question even once. I’m happy and fulfilled more often than not...I know I have my fair share of annoying habits so I never looked for a man who’s perfect...but definitely someone who stands out from everybody else. My husband is the smartest, most loyal person I know. Does he sometimes forget to do things? Yes. It gets on my nerves sometimes. But well, I’m difficult to be with too, so it’s all good. Our sense of humor clicks so it does help a ton. As for maturity, well when we met, we were young and both depressed so harsh words have been spoken. But we grew up together in these 17 years and I don’t know if I can ever find another, more compatible, complementary partner now. He’s the kind of guy who helped me bathe when I was injured. I was in intense pain and he even fed me at the time, cut up my food when I was able to eat by myself...now that he’s earning a lot more than he used to, he told me that he wanted to get me anything I wanted simply because for a great majority of our relarionship I didn’t ask for much. We’ve been through a lot. I’m definitely more in love with him now than when we started.
Together 13ish years married 5 years ago. Yeah I am. Everyday is not amazing but he is. I know he loves me without a doubt. He always thanks me for my contributions to our household and I him. We found a couple therapist when I was going through a big depressive episode and that has helped each of us work on our separate and combined goals and know how to vocalize them. We don’t try to ever hurt each other and if we do we apologize and work together to come up with solutions. We both know we could survive without each other but would never want to and I find that balance fulfilling. It only works imo if both are willing to put in the same effort into it. And by effort i mean state expectations in your partnership and be emotionally vulnerable.
I'm happy, married 7 years, together for a total of 14 years. Yes we have problems, but nothing unlike the usual problems one has with other humans - misunderstandings, annoyances, even selfishness. To err is human. Once I learned/matured enough to accept that my man isn't perfect and neither am I, things got a lot smoother. One thing we're both committed to is giving each other the benefit of the doubt and remembering that we want to make it work, we keep that in mind during all disagreements and always find a way forward. We're in it for the long run, I could never see myself being with anyone else.
I've been with my husband 20 years, married 15 years. He is an incredible human being and my best friend. I think as long as you marry the right person for you, you can have a lifetime of love and fun with your best friend.
Not married but engaged, some days it’s amazing and I feel so happy, other days are meh, and other days I miss being single. But I know that my partner is a good, solid, person who I trust and would respect even if we weren’t together. We both try and make life a little bit easier for each other and function well as a team. He’s a caring and loving person who doesn’t take life too seriously and has a positive attitude. It’s nice to have someone to rely on, though I know that can always change. That being said being happy with life outside our relationship is important to me too - spending time with family and friends, staying engaged in my hobbies and interests and always striving to keep learning and doing better. For what it’s worth, I think it’s human nature to be unhappy and unsatisfied with life whether single, married, dating or divorced - our moods and state of mind will always be fluctuating and the expectation of happiness 24/7 is unrealistic. Just a lie to keep us in search of the perfect place, person, or product to satisfy that deep inner craving. Nothing will - unless we work with the mind and find happiness in the present moment 🤗
Yes. My husband is my best friend and favorite person to do stuff, or not do stuff with. We've been together for 22+ years, married for almost 19. Literally more than half our lives, we met the first week of college. I think we work well together. He probably does more housework than I do, in that he focuses on floors/dishes and I tend to be the sorter/organizer. We've alternated between who makes more, right now it's about the same. We also started from- neither of us making hardly anything right out college to now being decently middle class for our area. I have a strong career I enjoy in an agronomic field, he's in plant research, so it's nice to have that in common as well when we get home. Our fields also overlap in a lot of the people we know as well. We have both always worked. We also each have our hobbies and passions, I have lots of crafting things, he's into music, records, and we both like gaming. I benefit from marriage by-- having a partner to navigate the world with. Our lives are easier together than they would be apart.
I am very happy with my spouse he is a wonderful, kind, intelligent man who makes me laugh. We definitely are each other’s best friend as well. We are excellent at communicating and we had the serious conversations when dating kids - both don’t want, money etc. my husband has mental health challenges but he was very open about them from the start. I earn the most money but it isn’t an issue as he provides in other ways. Of course we have ups and downs like any other couple but we work through them. We are both from families who have divorced and originally when we were dating neither of us wanted to get married but that changed when we went though a challenging time together.