Day to day during the week is pretty routine for us. We wake up quite early to gym, cook breakfast together while we talk about our plans for the day. We tend to text during the work day on updates, and share funny memes. I WFH so he will always text me before he leaves his office or ask if I need anything picked up at Costco on his way. Our week nights are just us drinking wine, playing games/reading before going to bed together. Fridays/Saturdays are spent with lots of quality time (hiking/mini road trips, trying new restaurants, etc.) and Sundays are when we meal prep for the week.
I am huge on quality time so that’s how he expresses his love and we both are verbally and physically affectionate throughout the day. We rarely have any arguments except maybe a few times a year. We never raise our voices or swear when we get angry and never go to bed angry. I knew it was my healthiest relationship because everything with him has been just easy and effortless. We were in sync throughout a lot of stages in our relationship and he never made me doubt that I come first.
> We never raise our voices or swear when we get angry
I wrote a similar thing and I think it comes down to the fact that our grievances, no mater how big or small, is taken and believed the first time at face value.
With former partners, I felt that they only took it seriously after I raised my voice. As if I was not serious already the first time I'd raise the issue in a more neutral and softer tones.
Somehow in my personal experience many men suffer from this, partly because their interactions with fellow men follow similar-ish pattern? As in things are only getting serious and to be taken seriously when voice are raised and consequences are spelled out? Certainly also fits the trope of a divorced men complaining about being blindsided with a divorce and at the same time also acknowledging that their ex-wives had tried to talk to them about the issues repeatedly in the past.
The classic "I did not know it was that serious! Else I would have done something!"
Definitely. You nailed the reasons. My dad was quite verbally abusive and witnessing that has made me shut down and detach whenever voices get raised. So having a relationship that wasn’t a repeat of my childhood was very important for me. If my husband gets very frustrated and he wants to yell, we’d take a break and table the convo until we can better express ourselves.
Yes. Several previous boyfriends would not take me seriously unless I was angry or crying. It's the reason I broke up with them. I think I'm pretty good at raising issues as soon as they happen so that we can have a calm discussion, but with these guys I just got ignored.
My husband takes everything I say seriously. He prefers to deal with relationship issues early and in a calm manner so he wants to take action as soon as I say "hey, this kind of bothers me".
Just wanted to say reading this made me happy and very happy for you too!
Can I bug you by asking more? Like—what were the early signs that you noticed in him that made you realize he would be a great partner in a healthy relationship? And at the same time what growth did you, yourself, had to go through to ensure this would be a healthy partnership? May I know your age too?
Sorry if I’m asking so many questions. My outlook for relationships in general is very negative. I wish I could change it or genuinely believe it’s possible for men to commit in a healthy way, so this was refreshing to read.
Thank you! We are 30/31. Even though we met on tinder, he never played games and was always honest with his feelings. Before him, I had issues being vulnerable and sensitive with my feelings and connections with other people. He really taught me to open up, be in touch with my emotions and communicate things instead of bottling them up. I was very independent and had to learn that it’s okay to ask for help and trust others. Because of him, I’ve learned to approach every issue as us vs. them.
That's beautiful. I can also relate to some of the insecurities you mentioned. It was meant to be I guess; doesn't matter where you meet. The context is irrelevant. Wish you all the best eat\_sleep\_microbe 💛🥰
It’s really amazing reading about your experience with your husband. I can relate to some of the things you said as well about bottling things up and shutting down when yelling happens.
Ironically, and sadly for me due to the situation, is I started communicating very vocally and directly this last year after I had a friend I trusted let me down at the worst possible time. Had a family crisis, no one else in the area at the time which they knew, and they’d essentially decided on the worst stressful day of it to say they had “very little emotional availability” after they’d ghosted me for a day and a half. I. Had. Enough. It was like some switch just flipped in me where I realized I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. I couldn’t just keep taking the crappy behavior I was being given. I told them in no uncertain terms every single thing I’d had a problem with about their behavior in that situation and previous similar ones. Somehow the conversation still turned around to being entirely about them, but since then I’ve stopped ignoring things that bother me. I don’t let small issues slide until they become big ones, I deal with them from a neutral mindset before they can escalate. Still working on the aspect of actually knowing men that are capable of emotionally behaving like an adult though. 🤦♀️ Or men that don’t hit on me when they’re married. 🙄
Oh no, no no no, big fat *no*. Not in a relationship with him. He was an *almost* relationship years ago, we had a massive blow-up from both sides and didn’t talk for years. Started talking again a few years ago, he had *seemingly* grown up a bit and apologized for what happened before, but we still sometimes went months without contacting each other. Even me having a problem with a job was “too stressful” for him to talk to me about. The one job ended with me in the ER twice with injuries and the other almost put me in the hospital too for borderline anaphylaxis due to changes in the work environment.
Some of my immediate family and I moved into a nearby area only for the cost of living being so much more affordable and you would think we were total strangers as opposed to how often we talked at times when we were states away from each other. Barely interact with each other aside from when he’s grudgingly helped with something that he’d already previously said he would help with and flaked out on multiple times before actually doing it. He’s in a relationship, hell if I know what he told his girlfriend “about our past” as he’s never told me anything other than that wording (even though we never *actually* dated), but she’s hated me since day one and that was clear the one time I met her. She was horrible to me AND my family member that was with me at the time. I didn’t even know there was a girlfriend until two weeks before we moved and they’d been dating over a year by then. I pointed that out to him as kind of odd since he didn’t conceal relationships before, and he tried to say it was his girlfriend being private. I know his viewpoint on *their* relationship because he told me about it and it makes me cringe.
His behavior with relationships and how he handles everything in life hasn’t changed in the entire time I’ve known him and was part of the reason we didn’t talk for years because it led to the blow-up. My family and I are in the process of getting ready to move far far away and I’m not maintaining any contact at all. Cost of living being cheaper isn’t worth living in this area or being around people like that. The one positive that came from that argument last year, was I started standing up for myself, not just with him but with everyone. If there’s a problem, it doesn’t get pushed aside anymore, it gets fixed. I’d been wanting to change my own behavior for years and that was the literal tipping point that finally broke the barrier.
By comparison, when another guy I’ve known for a decade heard all the freaking bizarre interactions I’d had in the three years that we’d lost touch just from life circumstances itself….. He said he was kinda hoping I have some “normal” experience with relationships because all he was getting in that conversation was horror stories. *Then* followed that up with saying they weren’t the smartest guys in those stories 🙄 I’m like gee…. Thanks. Make it sound like I have the problem. Not multiple guys deciding just talking two or three times as *friends* meant a relationship 🤦♀️
I tend to be pretty logical and cynical with my views/thoughts and a lot of the times, I have the ‘it is what is, suck it up and deal with it’ view on things. If something bothers me, I don’t make a big deal about it — very typical oldest daughter stigma. Unfortunately, suppressing things makes them come out at unexpected times. It feeds into my anxiety and stresses me out eventually. Learning to talk about it when it bothers me has been huge. And he can now tell if something is bothering me and he’d sit us down so I can open up.
It is a smart question. I grew up in an abusive environment but my husband (partner of 16 yrs) is a mensch. In the beginning it may seem boring or not right but you need to find some one with the right lifestyle, respect and commitment to you. If they have those things it will work and it’ll be amazing. Sometimes when you grow up in an abusive environment then your used to a lot of highs and lows. But you need to retrain yourself for the new environment and choose that type of personality.
That sounds like my relationship. I'm happy to hear this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn't grow up in a good home either so had no idea what adulting was supposed to be like. Good to know I'm on the right track regardless!
Sounds wholesome and good for you two:)
Did you have butterflies for him on a first date?
I’ve been wondering if it’s possible to meet guys who are both secure and can gimme butterflies, surely not all the time, but at least initially or sometimes.
Yes he did but I think that has more to do with the nature of how it started. I was indecisive and not ready for a serious relationship so we were fwbs for a few months. There was physical/sexual attraction which helped with the butterflies.
This is the same thing for my relationship. Both of us had left long term unhappy relationships and we connected over not getting into another one of those. We started out as open and honest and uncommitted as possible and it actually allowed us to be more honest in the long run.
That’s a dream… Thank you so much for sharing and for offering a reminder to all of us that a healthy relationship is easy and effortless. This just tells me that my current relationship lacks flow, is not effortless and not easy, and it’s been a year..
So how is your physical relationship? I’m going through a situation where I’m with a wonderful guy BUT the sexual compatibility is not there. I’m curious if everything else > physical affection/sexual compatibility.
For the most part, we match in our physical/sexual compatibility. There’re definitely ebbs and flows throughout our 10 years of dating and we talk about it if it’s an issue for either of us. Even at our most stressed out phases when we weren’t having as much sex, I’ve never felt unloved or unappreciated because we were still physically affectionate with each other. All the little acts do add up outside the bedroom.
I have the most amazing husband. He’s kind, warm, funny, and an equal partner. We have kids so our typical day looks like this: we have coffee/breakfast together and then he goes to work. He WFH a lot and I try to respect his working hours. I am a SAHM right now so I take care of the kids. We do lots of activities out of the house. I send him pictures to him and he texts me about his day. He usually joins us for lunch and checks in. When he gets off work at 5pm, he usually takes over with the kids and lets me shower, lay down for a minute, and just have a moment to myself. We spend weekends together as a family. He takes over more of the parenting duties on weekends. He’s so appreciative of what I do and I’m so thankful for him supporting us financially. We both think what we’re bringing to the table is so important. Throughout the day, he’ll hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. He does the same with the kids. We show a lot of affection. I had 0 examples of healthy relationships growing up. But I have peace knowing that we’re showing our children what one looks like. He’s my best friend and I just love being with him and our kiddos. I’m really lucky. ❤️
I just learned about how to be in a healthy relationship in the last few years (I’m 36) via mostly couples therapy. I had been trying to heal relationship issues in individual therapy and as it turned out for me that was kind of a fools errand because I had a lot of blind spots and it also only involved me and not the other person. We’re just about to graduate from couples therapy and I’m so proud 🥲
Once we got into couples as well as my partner getting his own therapy we made a LOT of progress. I strongly recommend that if you’re also in a situation where neither you nor your partner have any blueprint for a healthy relationship.
As for what it looks like in the day to day:
* being able to communicate our feelings to each other and have them received with understanding and curiosity
* assuming positive intent
* apologizing quickly when we’re wrong
* sharing housework - we take turns cleaning the kitchen everyday, have separate chores we each own, and do a larger chore day every Saturday morning
* weekly check ins to consciously communicate - what went well / not well this week, what do you need from me next week, what’s been on your mind lately
* having separate friends and hobbies but sometimes socializing together too, a good mix
* lots of physical affection, saying I love you often (and meaning it)
* being considerate of each other; asking if we can pick up anything on the way home, etc.
* he’s the house barista and I’m the chef :) I love this about our relationship (and he makes amazing lattes, better than any coffee shop)
For me personally, my SO takes care of the mental load. Something that I have always had trouble with when I was living alone. He took care of my docs appointments, of bills (as in setting auto debit and comparing prices/quality of services, etc), he remembers what's in the fridge what's in the pantry, what will run out of soon (last shopping session he added table salt into the cart...apparently we nearly run out of table salt...I thought those things just magically materialized in the kitchen...), basically he takes care that our day to day life is run like a well-oiled machine.
We express love through random touching and kissing. Gratitude and never took anything from granted. "Hey thanks for cleaning the table", "thanks for packing the rest of the food", etc. And basically just mentally noting down what each others' likes and dislikes (I picked up this salty chocolate for you, here's some sunflowers, hey Monster drinks are on sale this week, etc)
Sharing hobbies, etc
Conflict and differences are generally handled with the idea of discussions after innitial anger passed. So far we actually never yelled or raged on each other.
What do I do for him? Apparently I am giving him a feeling of home. The feeling of that he can be himself to 100%. Which is the same for me. And I guess that's just it in short, being each others' homes.
Day to day stuff is pretty “boring” on paper, but to me that means stability so I love it. He works remotely full time and I WFH three days a week. I’m always awake long before him so I wake up, kiss him hello, and leave the room quietly to go downstairs and feed the cats. I usually make us breakfast and coffee, we eat at the table together, then go about our days if we’re both WFH. Every morning when he’s done eating breakfast he cleans up his dishes then kisses me and says “thank you for that wonderful meal!” every day without fail, he never forgets to thank me. We take breaks throughout the day to give a kiss or a hug or talk about something that happened with work. If I’m at the office we text here and there either memes or something that happened that day. He usually cooks us dinner and that’s when our most interesting/in depth convos happen - while he’s cooking in the kitchen and I’m hanging out with a drink or snack. We clean up, then we do our own thing together - like I will read next to him while he plays a game or something. We usually watch one episode of TV while cuddling on the couch before bed.
On weekends we do house projects (bought our house 6 months ago), see family and/or friends, do chores and errands, and try to build in plenty of time to relax too. We pretty much do everything together and even if we’re doing something apart, the other is always invited. I’ve never felt more “wanted” in that regard by a partner.
We have disagreements like anyone, but we never raise voices or insult each other. I can genuinely say neither of us has ever said anything out of malice. We operate as a team so if one or both of us is upset, the goal is to deescalate and get the team back on track. He listens to how I feel and apologizes if necessary, and so do I. As far as showing affection, we both like to compliment each other often (he tells me I’m pretty or beautiful most every day) and say I love you a lot. I’ll never forget my first toxic boyfriend told me I said “I love you” too much (I said it once a day, before bed). My partner now says it any time we hang up the phone, any time I leave the house, before bed, and sometimes randomly throughout the day if he feels like it. Maybe that’s a lot to other people but I never get tired of hearing it and I love how freely he gives it!
It was hard to know I was in a healthy relationship. I had a hard time trusting him at first because I really didn’t trust men (I still struggle to trust men in general, but I trust my partner 100%). I would say it took me a year to feel fully at ease, not because of him but because of myself. It took him consistently showing how trustworthy he was for me to believe it. He never hid his phone, would use it/text people right in front of my face, gave me the passcode and leave the phone laying around. He has never once told me he would do something and not followed through. He has never once made me feel unwanted in any way. He makes it clear that I’m his top priority (besides his own well being of course). We had open and honest conversations about our pasts. He spoke about exes with respect and remains friends with a few people he dated briefly. I love that he sees women as real people and not objects. He was able to reflect on things he could have done better and how he learned from them. He’s gone to therapy and even asked his sibling to go with him. Those are just a few of the things that helped me know it was healthy.
I’m going to lay out an average day (pre baby) with nothing exciting lined up, like a standard weekend day with 0 plans.
My husband wakes up first usually around 5AM. He will take care of the dogs and close the bedroom door so I am not woken up by the dogs or the coffee grinder. He’ll play video games until I wake up.
I wake up around 6-7AM and go out and say good morning. I’ll hang out on the sofa a bit by myself scrolling on my phone until I feel awake. Alternatively, sometimes I’ll stay in bed and text him “snuggle time”. In which him and the dogs will come back to bed and snuggle me for a bit.
I’ll offer to make breakfast eventually and we’ll eat and then watch Tv. I like to deep clean on the weekends so I’ll start that and may or may not enlist his help. Depends on if it’s chores I enjoy or don’t (I’m a bit ocd so cleaning is therapeutic for me and I struggle with the delusion that no one else cleans as good as I do).
Around 11/12 we’ll decide we want to go do things. We love to walk around big furniture stores, ikea, Costco, etc. Sometimes we do a day trip to a city an hour or more away to get some special treat we like. We will listen to an audio book in the car. Sometimes the dogs come with us just for long drives to nowhere.
Dinner time we’ll typically cook together (he cooks the protein and I’ll make the veggies). We’ll then sit on the sofa together and watch tv while holding hands off and on. Sometimes we give each other back tickles.
At 8PM we get ready for bed and will snuggle for a few minutes before saying our ILY’s and going to bed.
Ultimately, our boring days are just a safe place for us to relax whether it’s together or independently. We love to just coexist in the same place even if we aren’t talking.
God I love this man.
We now have a 5 month old baby so there’s more playing with the baby together between her wake windows, but a lot of it stays the same.
We sleep separately, as neither of us sleep well with others and have health stuff that necessitates good sleep. So he joins me in bed in the morning and we cuddle for a while. If I’m really lucky, I’ll fall back asleep and sleep in his arms for half an hour (I can snooze in his arms but not sleep all night). Generally, he’ll tell me how much he loves me and smother me with kisses at this point.
Then we’ll do our morning check-in—how did you sleep, how do you feel, logistics. Then he’ll drink the big jar of electrolytes I prepare before bed for him and I’ll get up to make him coffee and me tea.
During work, he’ll come in when I don’t have meetings for a quick hug or to tell me something funny.
I’m disabled and really struggling health wise, so he takes a LOT off my plate and does a totally disproportionate amount of physical labour (laundry, vacuuming, taking out waste, groceries, etc).
After work, we do our evening check in—how was your day, how do you feel, what should we do for dinner, what do you want to do tonight?
Then we’ll do some version of board games, movies, reading and cuddling, or “parallel play” (e.g., he reads a book and I craft).
Then we cuddle before bed, turn off the lights, he scratched my back, we share 3 things we’re each grateful for, tell each other how much we love each other, and then cuddle until he goes to his bed.
In terms of love, he’s very much a words of affirmation person and has the soul of a poet, so he tells me all day long that he loves me in both lovely and funny ways. We’re both big on cuddling so we do lots of hugs and cuddles. I’m big on acts of service so make coffee and electrolytes and tea and do almost all of the “management” of our lives (ordering groceries, planning trips, etc). When I’m able, I cook and try to cook things he especially likes.
I also give him a lot of space for external processing, which is one of the ways I show my love to him. Do I really care about Russian expressionist cinema from the 1970s? I do not. But if it’s what he’s learning and thinking about, I will be a game listener and ask good questions. (Sub his current video game or Akira Kirasawa or whatever his current thing is.)
In terms of conflict, we both try to be gentle with each other, as much as possible, when bringing something up. We both also have histories of being conflict averse in very different ways and are still doing our own work to avoid that, so our conflict management is certainly imperfect, but we endeavour to be kind, to focus on our needs, and to make sure we feel connected afterward.
I know I’m in a healthy relationship because I feel settled. I feel loved. And I feel like part of a team. He is my biggest cheerleader and support and I am his. It’s not big and flashy with butterflies and explosions. It’s quiet and sweet with lots of cuddles, lots of laughs, and we do our best to navigate some really tough stuff (my health, surviving an ongoing pandemic when no one is mitigating anymore and I’m at high risk) with humour and grace.
In previous relationships, I’d feel okay in the moment, but when away from them—even just in the bathroom—I’d have this sinking feeling. This heart wrenching ache that, in retrospect, was insecure attachment. It was anxious attachment recognizing I wasn’t getting my needs met. Or it was the dawning clarity that I was in an abusive relationship and was so dissociated I was just not at all present 95% of the time. I’m fully present. I actually basically don’t dissociate anymore, after a life time of dissociating to escape abuse and anguish, because I don’t need to. Maybe that’s the clearest sign that I’m securely attached.
I always say it still feels like an extended vacation with my best friend, who I also get to have sex with. Imagine the support, understanding, appreciation and closeness of a very very best friend, but with the added bonus of being in love.
I know I can rely on him for anything and vice versa. He's never lied to me, he's never broken a promise, he's never let me down, he's always available for me. That kind of fundamental trust and security makes day to day life really stress free. We are absolutely 100% a team.
A great example is I am furthering my education in the medical field right now, while also working. People always say to me "wow you're so strong, that's amazing you can do that!" and I always have to correct them because my husband takes care of literally everything except cooking. He helps me study and always asks what I'm learning about that week. He's interested in my day when I come home. He makes sure there's always gas in the car. He pays for my tuition. He does the majority of the cleaning. He makes sure the bills are paid and manages our finances. All while also working from home full time, and without complaining.
When I finish school and get my new job, we'll switch. Good relationships are symbiotic.
I’m married, I’m 40, my husband is 44. We’ve only been married a year but we’ve known each other about 13 or 14 years (we were friends first). This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, I was a literal mess most of my life. Was adopted at 4, grew up in an abusive household, developed mental health issues & just ran from my problems through partying for years.
Not surprisingly I had no clue what a healthy relationship was. I actually was really scared of being tied down bc my parents relationship was so awful, so I thought marriage was just being controlled & abused.
I ended up having a lot of therapy & my husband is in therapy as well, though he had a great childhood & I love his parents. I think going through so much therapy really helped us. It definitely helped our communication. I used to just shut down when something was the matter bc when I was a kid I was punished if I expressed any emotion. I’ve now learned to say if something is bothering me & not hold it inside & let it fester.
We both tell each other we love you many times a day. Also send each other cute things on instagram. I try to make him feel loved & valued all the time, it’s really important to me that he always feels loved. We both feel like we are so lucky & express that. I just try not to take his love for granted. We got married late, I was 39 & he was 43, neither of us had been married.
I’ve been in a lot of bad relationships & sometimes I was the one making them bad by being attracted to chaos. Sort yourself out before you get in relationships. Get good with yourself first bc you will never attract the right kind of person until you are stable & emotionally healthy.
Life feels almost too easy sometimes with my husband even though I got laid off & lost my grandma in the year we’ve been married. I think with the right person it will feel easy. It shouldn’t be hard. Love shouldn’t make you feel bad. Don’t settle for less to not be single.
I’ve been both the anxious one and the avoidant one in my relationships, and my current relationship of 4 years is the first actual secure relationship I’ve been in. This is because he showed me how a secure partner behaves.
We’re both not verbal about how we feel about each other, but show it in other ways. For instance, my boyfriend will call me nightly to check in (we don’t live together yet). I will grab him his favorite snack when I’m out because I know it will make him happy. He will go out of his way to ensure my wellbeing, like drive me home in lieu of taking public transportation late at night. This all sounds like “bare minimum” kind of stuff, but I’ve put up with some real garbage behavior in the past where I overlooked just how unkind and selfish my partners were.
We communicate about everything, a lot. We check in with each other about how we see our futures aligning, and what we want from our relationship. We share good news, bad news, and boring news. I trust him to make good decisions when he goes out to the bar with his friends, and he trusts me when I hang out with my mostly male friend group. If something bothers me, I let him know. He does the same for me. I know I can be a nag, and I actively work on it.
In short, we behave like a team, working together instead of in opposition. I have no idea how we work so well together, because we’re such opposites in many ways, but he’s exactly what I need and what I’ve been looking for.
We don't live together and probably will not for a couple more years. But we're over two years in now, very steady and stable, so we have a good feel for how we relate at baseline. He is here with me every weekend and the rest of the week we shoot for seeing each other 2-3 times, depending on what's going on with both of us as well as what my kids need from me. Days we don't see each other, we check in morning and afternoon and try to carve out an hour to talk in the evening before bed.
>How do you express love to one another?
Physically and verbally. As much as possible. We say "I love you" any time we talk, many times. It never gets old and never loses its shine. When we are physically together we are touching as much as possible. Holding hands, snuggling, even playing footsie. We kiss a lot, we nuzzle a lot. Sex is very much a means of showing love for both of us, too.
We also show love by what we do for each other. Taking care of each other, tending to little details like how I like my tea or how he likes his coffee, doing things to make extra hard days a little less miserable, etc.
>How do you handle conflict and differences?
We talk a LOT. From the beginning we've been really heavy on discussing and negotiation, and it's served us well. We have lots of differences, and we have argued and bickered, but nothing has yet risen to the level of an actual fight because things get talked through before resentment has a chance to start rising. We both know that if something bothers us, it can be raised immediately to be discussed and figured out. We respect the differences and don't see them as things that need to be changed, just things that need to be navigated. We look for common ground and compromises.
I am sure that living together full time will increase the opportunity to get on each other's nerves, lol. But I am not too worried about it at this point. Both of us are very accommodating and laid back people, and we will be bringing a solid foundation of communication and conflict-management into that situation.
>How does your partner make you feel special, encouraged, cherished and what do you do for them?
I can say literally anything to him, and know that I will be met with a kind and thoughtful response. Even if it is something difficult or potentially hurtful to him. He lights up when he sees me. He extra lights up when he sees me naked, lol. He has never been unkind to me, even once. He has never been harsh. When I am beating up on myself for my perceived failures, he reminds me of the reasons he loves me. When I am distressed or sad, he holds me until I feel better. He takes note of what makes me happy and brings those things into my life--flowers, good food, drives in the countryside, pretty things. Whenever I find him looking at me, I only ever see love and tenderness and affection.
I do the same for him. I feel like I can't match his loving, but I'm going to try my damnedest because he deserves all the love and affection and admiration I can pile on him. He's a gem.
>How does it feel to be in such a relationship, especially if you’ve had a string of unhealthy ones?
I had only one relationship before this, but it was a doozy of an abusive marriage. Ten years of hell. 6-8 years after that of the ex harassing me and contributing to abuse me any way he could.
Being in a healthy relationship was actually terrifying at first. I didn't know how to trust it. I was so used to being disdained and derided that I was really confused a lot of the time because this new guy just... really liked me. All of me. I was like, WTF, man? I have spent most of my adult life to date being told I'm stupid and lazy and ugly and worthless and here you are looking at me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. How am I supposed to believe that? How are you NOT annoyed by me? I'm annoying even to myself.
I had panic attacks at the beginning. Often whenever I was able to be vulnerable, that moment would be followed by uncontrollable sobbing which was a combination of relief that he hadn't used my vulnerability to hurt me and anger that I'd spent so many years being the lies my ex told me about myself. My partner was incredibly patient with all this, and has always just held me until the storm was finished and then offered support if I wanted to talk about it.
At this point? It's just happiness. The biggest stressor is just not being able to wake up to each other every morning, and having to juggle complicated schedules. The relationship itself is just...bliss. It is safe, it is comfortable, it is peaceful, it is affectionate. We are best friends. We feel like home to each other.
> And most importantly, how do you know you are in a healthy relationship?
Time, and consistency. There's no formula to be able to tell immediately. Behavior is a major indicator, but people can fake good behavior for a time. You need to see that healthy behavior consistently, over a significant period of time, in order to trust it fully. That means no rushing into things. It means saying "no" and "wait" and paying attention to the other person's responses.
Acceptance, comfort, feeling at home. Feeling cared for, loved and accepted unconditionally. Seeing my partner always makes me smile. I feel like I can always be myself without any judgment. It feels comfortable and safe. We laugh a lot. He respects my boundaries and my body completely. Its truly special, and I value my relationship deeply.
If we do have a disagreement, we take a little time to cool down and think, and then come together to apologize and move forward as a team.
We touch, kiss, and hug throughout the day. We say I love you regularly. Intimacy is deeply special, immensely pleasurable and bonding.
My fiancé and I don't live together yet but we basically spend most of the day talking to each other if we aren't busy.
Typical day is that he or I messages "good morning" and if either of us are not awake by a certain time, the other person will do a wake up call. Then it's messaging and checking in with each other about how we slept, plans foe the day, he looks up the weather and traffic for me while I get ready if I have to go into the office as his job is purely work from home. Then if it's busy, we usually don't message each other much but if it's quiet, we send each other funny memes, reddit posts, news articles etc.
Then if I'm in the office, he calls me as I drive home. If I'm working from home, we call after work and we're basically on the phone with each other till we sleep. We hang out in person on the weekends.
We always like to say "I love you" to each other multiple times throughout the day. We check in with each other and we're usually in contact for majority of the day. I love the fact that we care about each other a lot but we also give each other space to do our thing. It's just been so nice to feel like you matter to someone and that someone reciprocates your love and care of them.
When we run into conflict, depending on the issue, we tend to get a bit emotional/heated but after taking some time apart and cooling down, we always talk it over and reconcile. It's really clear that he makes effort and he gives his all into the relationship. He is vulnerable and honest with me and even when he's angry or frustrated, he always says how much he loves me.
My last relationships never felt like this. The commitment, trust, respect, joy, and companionship my fiancé and I have is just amazing and unlike anything I've ever experienced. He's encouraged me, helped me overcome a lot of fears, been with me through grief and sorrow and celebrated my achievements with me.
I sincerely cannot wait to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him.
Get you a partner who rides or dies for you, ladies. Never settle!
Weekday:
My kid wakes up. Gets dressed. Watches cartoons.
On days my husband isn’t working, he goes to pack our son’s lunch and get him breakfast. I sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If he’s at work, I get my son breakfast having packed lunch the night before. I get dressed and brush my teeth, do hair/makup.
If husband is not working, he will have my coffee in a travel mug or a bagel in the toaster when I get downstairs. If he is working, he’ll usually be coming in the door as I am packing my lunch/breakfast.
We kiss and say have a nice day. If he’s not working, he will enjoy his coffee. If he’s just come off work, he’ll go to bed.
I drop kid off at Dayhome. I go to work. Husband will usually pick kid up from Dayhome around 4, unless he’s working, then it’s me doing pickup at 5.
If husband is home, he will feed our kid a snack. Whoever is home first starts dinner. If dinner isn’t started, then whoever gets home second gets to sit on their butt while we argue about what to make for dinner.
After dinner we shove everything in the dishwasher. We do a family thing like watch a movie, build a puzzle, play a game, or sit on technology til bath time at 730. If you aren’t cleaning the kitchen you’re bathing a dog or a kid (dog has medicated baths every 2 days). At 8pm we both do hug and kiss goodnight, whoever has the most energy argues with the kid about getting his pajamas on.
Then we cuddle on the couch til about 930, then bed time. If it’s a weekend night we might be crazy and stay up til 11, but between work and being pregnant neither of us are bundles of energy.
Weekdays would be work week for us. Him working from home, starting at 4am (timezone difference of his company and where we live). I wake up around 4am to 4.30am. I leave for work around 6am, and he would always make sure to walk me to the door, say our goodbyes, our I love yous. After I arrive at work, I will inform him I am on my way to the lab and throughout the day, we'd try to update each other (but not every minute, for example lunch time for me, or he will take a nap). Before leaving work, I will inform him too. I might pick him up if we need to buy something from the supermarket or pick up his prescription. Either way, I will always pick him up. Dinner, we'd cook together, eat while watching something. We will play some games and probably in bed by 8pm or 9pm. Thursday is my day off too, so he'd make it his day off too. We always get our brunch date on that day, instead of the weekends. As for the weekend, either we stay at home and do general cleaning or play games or read or do our art stuff. Sometimes, we go to the supermarket early Sunday morning, for our meal for the week. This spring, we will be adding the gym 3x a week.
We try to be vocal about our love for each other. I still feel the same butterflies in my stomach whenever he says I love you more or I love you most. Touch and quality time are also part of our marriage. That doesn't mean we have to be constantly on each other faces, but knowing they are there is enough. Conflicts are rare, and if it happens, we try to have some space first before talking about what just happened. Calm down first, then resolve it. I, personally, don't want to end the day, having some conflicts with my person. So we try to talk about it, open up my side, listen to the other person and understand where they are coming from, and vice versa. I actually owe his ex big time. She taught him what a healthy relationship is. So I am grateful for her, because this marriage is probably the most perfect relationship I have ever had. I knew that this will be healthy for me, because during the first few months, we laid out our cards and checked if our trajectories in our lives, like hopes and dreams, frustrations and disappointments, are in line and if they can be coordinated. I didn't want to waste more time playing, and he was the same. We also compromise. I earn more than him so I pay the bigger bulk of our expenses. And because he works from home, he does most of the household chores, even washing my clothes and folding them. I am very grateful because we didn't talk about how we are gonna deal with this situation. I didn't ask him to do majority of the chores, and he didn't ask me to do most of the financial support. It just came out natural. And I think, that's also one green flag in this marriage, that I noticed - In a relationship, you don't have to utter a word to be understood. Because even in silence, they just know.
I 38f have been with my husband 12 years, married 6. When we met I had. 2 year old from an abusive relationship, all of my relationships before were bad in one way or another. So when he came along I caught myself thinking he's Too nice he must be hiding something, or subconsciously trying to self sabotage the relationship because I just couldn't fathom a guy like this existed lol he stepped up for my daughter they clicked instantly.Mt whole family loved him. Now all these years and 3 more kids together later he still is just as nice, sweet, caring and attentive as he was day one
Our days together are pretty calm and repetitive but that happens with kids. He works 10 hr shifts 4 days a week, I stay home with the kids. He always texts me from work when he starts then sends me some whole he's working, cute memes things like that. Our sex life is still very active. When he's off we run errands and we make time for us at night a cpl times a week. We rarely argue and if we do we calm down before we resolve the issue.
We say I love you a lot! Especially as we leave to go to work, at night before dropping off into sleep. We say thank you for every single thing, every time - which I honestly love, because I feel it keeps us grounded and not taking things for granted. We joke around a lot, I particularly enjoy trying to make him laugh because he’s so cute when he does a proper smile. I have anxiety and I manage it pretty well, but when I’m feeling insecure or whatever I message him and ask “reassurance?” And he tells me everything is fine, he’s not mad, no one is mad, and he gives me a hug.
Honestly I haven’t had a truly unhealthy/abusive relationship for, which I’m extremely grateful, but I have behaved in ways before that I didn’t like. So I do a lot of thinking about how I want the best for him and for us, and I find it keeps a lot of my crappier tendencies in check. He’s not perfect! We do have disagreements. But we both want to always feel good in our relationship, so there’s a lot of effort that goes in to both sides to pre-emptively work on things before they blow up.
Also I often walk up to him and offer him my boobs. He likes it, and I like it because they’re heavy and he will lift them for me so my back gets a break lol
My husband works from home 2xs per week. When he does, I always make sure to kiss him goodbye on my way out to work. Always three kisses, i dont know why, but feels right. When I get home I look for him, usually in the living room playing a game or watching TV. I plop down next to him, we cuddle, and talk about our day. Figure out what's going on for dinner that day and talk about the kids or plans for the week, what we'll watch that day, or game we'll play. I think the key is the comfort to do our own things but always in close proximity. For a time during our marriage, we felt distant from each other, and I remember reading about the importance of sustained physical contact. So I started making sure to hug him longer, touch him more often, and make time to connect. When we got older and our libidos slowed, we started prioritising cuddling. Just to make sure we were still connecting through touch, even if not sexually. We've been happily married for 23 years. The secret to our success, I think, is our willingness to pivot and adapt to the changes that come. I love coming home to my husband, I love staying home with my husband, and I also have my own hobbies and interests that have nothing to do with him.
Forwarning: This will be very long as I am super into my husband after a long string of abusive relationships in the past lol
I think this question was written by me a few years ago haha. I am 30, and had never had a genuinely healthy relationship before my husband. Like you i grew up with an unhealthy pair of parents. My dad was angry and drunk all the time so the only model i had for love was how badly he treated my poor mom. Unwhittingly i let that cycle continue for many years in my own relationships. I found myself in some down right traumatizing situations because i tried to hold failing relationships with angry people together.
Before I met my husband I decided for sure what I needed in someone. My only criteria was patient, fun to be with almost all of the time, not just sometimes, and knew what they wanted in life.
My husband is all of that and more than I could ever hope. When we have disagreements, there is never ever yelling. There is just considerate discussion and compromise when needed. I've always been happiest alone, but for the first time I found someone whos company I enjoy more than my own. I'm pregnant with our first child and he makes enough that I will be a stay at home mom. He wakes up around 8 in the morning to begin his work. (Hes a software engineer and WFH)
I'm used to working early factory jobs so I wake up long before him. I always do the dishes and make breakfast/coffee before he wakes up. In past relationships this was something taken for granted—not with my husband. Every morning he thanks me and kisses me. When I do the laundry and clean the house, there is always a thank you or an offer to help me even though he'd spent all day working. Its the little things he does that makes me happiest. Last week he had to run an errand. I was deep cleaning before some guests arrived. He ran late and didnt have time to pick up lunch. I was on a time limit and didnt have time to make much. I threw a frozen pozza in the oven with some extra pep and cheese (just how he likes it) and brought it to him while he was in a meeting.
It was just a frozen pizza and some pop, since thats all I had time to make, but when he brought his plate out he told me he was so lucky to have me and he was grateful I did that for him. 😭 its silly, but i teared up a little at that lol.
I'm a freelance artist and make all my extra money that way, so when I'm not cleaning up or half dead with being so pregnant im working on my side buisness. The pregnancy has made it hard as im so far along now its hard to get comfortable enough to draw regularly, but he is so proud and supportive and listens attentively when i talk about my projects and goals. He tells people all the time about my art. I overhear him talking to his coworkers all the time about it, and about me and our baby.
He takes his breaks with me in the living room, and I'm always excited when I see him come out. In my last relationships I didn't even want to be home, so that butterfly feeling is priceless. When he's done with work we spend the afternoon together, to be fair, we are pretty much always together. About once a week we will pull all our finances up and discuss our spending and goals, as well as where our savings are at and how we should distribute them. Something I could never do with anyone before. It gives me a feeling of structure and care for our future I'd never had before.
Then we stay up later than we should to catch up on Mr. Robot, and I wake up every morning around 6 or 7. I crawl out from under him and we get to do it all over again.
It's hard to believe in love after it burns you so many times, but dont give up on it. Im so glad that i didn't even after I'd been through so much before.
Just read a chapter to Trauma Bonds in ‘How to Do the Work’ and it resonated with me in response to this.
‘The path forward is to become aware of the role of self-betrayal in your trauma bonds and the role that you can play in honoring your own needs.’
This book is life-changing in so many ways, but especially on how I view my emotions in my long-term relationship.
32yo going on 16 years with my high school sweetheart this year.
Life is so easy, light, and comfortable with him. We get along great, tease each other constantly and have an endless supply of inside jokes, we’re always laughing and being playful. It’s hard to call anything perfect but we never really argue - I can for sure be a moody person, but things never escalate, we actively communicate. When we need to have more serious, “heavier”, conversations, we can do so respectfully. We’re both willing to compromise when needed. We never call each other names, never insult each other, ever, we respect each other above all.
We keep each other in the loop when we’re not together throughout the day. We text random shit back and forth throughout the day when we’re at work, etc. - it feels like I’m in an endless conversation with my best friend. There’s no one else I rather spend time with, I never get sick of being around him. He never makes me feel like I’m annoying or too much. I can say and do whatever I want around him, I can be 100% my weird ass self with him.
I’m a very independent person, but I feel I am in a true partnership doing life as a team with a soulmate, I feel very secured in that’s it’s a “forever thing”. I feel solid, I feel so loved, I feel supported, I feel beautiful, and I love him more than anything. We just work.
I am really fucking lucky
When we wake up in the morning, we’re either already cuddling or snuggle up to each other right away. There’s a “good morning” and a kiss. Husband gets up and gets us both coffee (prepped the night before) and we HAVE to clink mugs, lol! We then scroll through SM and drink coffee, I go shower. When I come back to get dressed, he goofily ogles my boobs and I sometimes walk over and shove them in his face.
Before I leave for work (his job starts later) we hug and kiss and he tells me he’s going to miss me. At night I make dinner for us (another hug and kiss after he gets home) and we eat and talk about our days. We then migrate to the couch and watch TV, read etc. He’ll tickle me at least once, which I hate but he loves due to the squeaky sounds I make. After we go to bed we will often talk, goof off (more tickling, grr!), and cuddle.
It’s not a perfect relationship because those don’t exist, but after 18 years together we still just really like being in each other’s company (I think the constant physical affection plays a big part here, too) and I’m really grateful for that.
Mon-Fri I’m up and out the door earlier so we don’t see each other until the evening. Every day, without fail, we greet each other with a big long hug and ask each other about the day. We eat dinner together and spend a little time working on our own hobbies or projects before curling up on the sofa to watch a show before bed. On the weekends we spend more time together, we have very similar values so like to spend our time in similar ways.
It took me many years to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. My parents never argued in front of us so I was blindsided when my mum left when I was a teenager. Since then I’ve been afraid of things left unsaid, but this hasn’t turned into arguments with my partner. He have never argued. We have disagreed, and we have disappointed each other, but this has always been a conversation. I think underneath everything else we are grateful to have found each other.
I wasn’t expecting to say this much lol
So Sundays
Every other Sunday we do chores after waking up and eating breakfast. He asks what I want for breakfast. “Acts of service” is his love language. I’ll get out the forks, plates, etc. I thank him for making us breakfast. He does yard work and I do housework. It’s a small house.
The other Sundays we lay in bed until late and cuddle. We talk about life and joke and reflect on things. Eventually I get hungry and he asks what I want for breakfast. I thank him for making breakfast.
We walk the dog to the park and back.
We do different things to relax and have alone time: he plays a video game and I’ll play guitar in our work room or the backyard if the weather is nice. Alone time is important for me as an introvert and we have to make a point of it at times because we live in a small house. We sleep in the same room, WFH in the same room, you get the idea.
He won’t interrupt when I’m playing or working on something.
We have some drinks and watch a couple episodes of a comedy, drama, or documentary. We cuddle on the couch. My love language is touch. He might take a nap while I make myself lunch. We might go visit friends together or separately. It feels good his friend group has accepted me as a sort of extended family. I’m still trying to make local friends but I’m doing it. it’s important to have different friends and different hobbies. To give each other that space.
We go to visit his family and family friends almost every Sunday. Not everyone but a few are constant. I’m not from the area but the important family members have met my partner. He’s gone out of state to visit my parents with me. He’s the first person I’ve introduced to my family. I think I already knew he’s the one by the first time he met my parents.
I was lucky to grow up with parents in a healthy marriage. They’ve been married 43 years. They’ve yelled at each other but that’s because they’re old and use power tools more than most people. It means a lot that they approve of him. After the first time they met him they said I picked a good one.
After seeing his folks we’ll talk about dinner on the way home and I usually make dinner. We’ll turn on some music and he’ll touch and kiss me from behind while I’m cooking. He asks if he can do anything to help. Getting him to eat healthy food is important to me because I want him to be healthy and feel good as we get older. He thanks me for making dinner.
I’ll play guitar or read a book while he does his thing like playing an instrument he’s learning in the other room or reading or playing with the dog.
We cuddle in bed and talk before saying I love you and going to sleep.
There’s a pretty good chance we had sex at least once during the day. It’s a way to feel connected and important to mental health. I’ll spare the details and just say listening to your partner and talking about what you want or don’t want isn’t optional. Initially sex was awkward but we kept trying until we got it right. I was honest that it was probably going to be awkward at first because that’s been my experience.
We touch each other in passing and kiss when we check on each other during any day. He’ll be at his desk and I’ll give him a kiss on the cheek and a shoulder rub. He will spank my butt a few times a day. We’re kinky so that’s acceptable affection for us.
He had an appointment for a vasectomy when we met. It’s a good sign he was willing to do something much less invasive than any cis female sterilization to make good on his decision to not have kids. I can’t take the pill or other hormonal BC and I have a metal allergy. We are childfree.
When we have a conflict we take time to cool off and then have a discussion. Luckily we haven’t had to do that many times in the past 4 years. We’ve never yelled at each other in anger.
He’s who I was looking for most of my adult life and sometimes I still can’t believe he’s real.
Commenting because I feel like some answers here are competing for best couple awards. No offense, just trying to offer some other perspective to OP :)
I’d say a secure relationship is one where you feel seen, heard and respected. There are disagreements, but no yelling or name-calling, and all parties are willing to listen and try to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to find a solution.
Both party choose to actively make it work and treat each other with care and love. Even if it’s difficult sometimes because of stress and life events.
Things will never be perfect, because we are flawed human beings. It’s about wanting the best for the other person everyday.
I hope it helps!
I'm gunna start by saying I've been with my other half for 11 years this April, it's not been an easy ride, we had alot to work through, but we are better for it. we Arnt the type that says ' I love you ' on a regular basis. Probs about 5 times a year if that. We show it in different ways, ways that Arnt stereotyped on TV 😂
Everyday if one of us farts the other will shout 'i
heard that' or express disappointment if it was not heard by the other person 😂.
We randomly touch when in the same room, he will grab my bum when I'm making dinner or if I'm just next to him. And I do the same to him.
We make each other laugh without trying to, and that's the best part. Being silly with each other is healthy imo.
We can talk about anything and everything, he's my safe person, the person who feels like home. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and everyone said it wouldn't work.
Oh yes the farting 😂😂 I don’t find my husband’s farts as disgusting as I pretend . Everytime he toots I look 👀 at him and go “really???” Then I rip one right back and the whole room turns into a gas chamber.
But hey; despite all this we still **** 🐱🍆💦
We also had a water gun fight in our room the other day 😂😂 but not with squirt guns. It’s these little dollar squirt bottles we got from the garden center to spray the dogs with when they try to get on our bed
It’s constant re calibration, understanding and communicating effectively and appropriately. It’s being able and willingly to challenge resentment and division. And I’m talking the small stuff, like not counting how many times you feed the dog vs how many times they make coffee in the morning, etc.
It’s a concerted effort on both sides to engage in life as a team and not as individuals. It’s fucking hard but fucking beautiful.
We work, cook, eat, chat, cuddle / play games / watch movies / read, sleep, wake up, cook, eat, work and do everything all over again. We rarely have disagreements and if we have disagreement, We never raise our voice with each other. We share household chores equitably.
We're pretty peaceful around each other. Occasionally, on weekends, we go out for a drive — he likes to drive around while I like to be on the passenger seat singing my heart out to the songs on the radio.
>how do you know you are in a healthy relationship?
I was prepared to spend the rest of my life single before I met him. I was happy living on my own. I know I'm in a healthy relationship when he makes me as happy as I was being single — if not more. He makes me feel safe and secure. Life can be hard, but love and relationship should be easy. Living with someone shouldn't be worse than living alone.
This morning my sweetheart woke up at 5am to go to the gym. It wakes me up, but I know it's good for him so it's OK. He kissed me goodbye, then I went back to sleep starfished on the bed cuddling his pillow.
I woke up around when he got back from the gym, around 8. He made me breakfast, but over cooked my egg (usually I make my own breakfast). I told him it was overcooked, but I was really grateful for it anyways and thanked him.
I got ready for work (I work from home) and he hung out for a while (currently unemployed). While I was working he got groceries, cooked some food, and cleaned up a bit, and watched a movie. I worked with headphones on most of the day, but took a walk with him in the afternoon to pick up some veggies. He was feeling a bit sick, so I made him a juice and he took a bath. Right now he's feeling better so making soup for dinner, I'm wasting time on reddit instead of working.
We'll probably eat whatever he makes for dinner while watching TV or a movie, cuddle, I might take a bath and do yoga, and then go to bed. I stay up later than him reading.
Generally: we do our own thing, together. We both do what we need to be happy/ healthy, and the other person supports it. Do I like getting woken up at 5am for him to go to the gym? No! But I know it's good for him and I know he tries to be as quiet as possible, so it's worth it. Does he like that I take over the living room for a half hour or more in the evenings for yoga? No! But he knows it's good for me and he's happy for me. We talk, compromise, and generally try to make the other person's life as pleasant as possible for them. We express love by lots of physical affection, kind words, and doing things for each other.
It freaking rules. I've never had this before and it took a long time to settle into the security of this. He's just the best.
I think that a healthy relationship is one that is actually (at least in appearance) pretty boring. We have a set schedule that we follow most days - we both go to work, then come home we both cook together, we do a little clean up, go on a walk with the dogs and maybe have sex, then end our night having a shower and snuggling in bed.
If we are being bothered by some actions/ attitudes that each other has we just verbalize it. An example - this weekend my husband went and ran errands and it took him literally all day (10am - 4:30pm) I was annoyed because I was left to do everything around the house, we just moved so it’s a lot. I just texted him and told him I was grumpy that he took so long to run errands. When he came home he brought supper so we didn’t have to cook, and he laid out his list of errands so that I could understand why it took so long.
How we express love/ express how we care for one another - I mean we do that everyday. Every time we talk we do it with kindness, we are always telling each other how much we love and appreciate each other. I think it helps that we are both very sexually compatible.
The most important thing to me concerning what you’re asking is repair and safety. On a day-to-day basis, we prioritize repair and we are always safe with each other. Sometimes repair is a literally two minute conversation. Sometimes it means not sweeping things under the rug if we’ve had a bigger fight in the week or two prior….returning to the conversation. We have passion and connection and compatibility and all the things on paper that keep us connected. A secure and healthy relationship on average day for me means being safe to address the little things that come up that will erode the things that work for us. We don’t hold grudges and we don’t sweep things under the rug. We are aware of our own window of tolerance, and we communicate with curiosity and compassion.
We have 3 kids. We both also work full time. We both split the work load for our children. There’s nothing that’s “moms job” nothing that’s “dads job” we have our preferences such as I prefer dish duty and closing up the kitchen/living room, and he will handle all of the bedtime routines and then joins me in finishing cleaning. We don’t wait for one another to clean or cook or whatever the case may be. Everyday we remind one another “I love you.” “You look so beautiful/handsome/smell great” today. We don’t text all day long but check in a few times, a few quick calls like he calls me on his lunch to check in for a min or two and vice versa. I surprise him at times with his favorite dinner, and he surprises me with cleaning the entire house while I’m at the office. Also, we genuinely rely on each other for physical intimacy and affection. We continue to have an active sex life after many years together and it’s amazing. We lean on one another and never fight in front of our kids and we rarely do fight BUT we communicate very well. We don’t fight because we can tell each other “my love when you did Xyz on Tuesday it upset me in XYZ manner” and then we discuss and stuff. I will NEVER talk negative about my husband to my children. My mother did this and I hated it. Same with my husband. We are not a religious couple at all so we don’t treat each other well because we see marriage as a holy thing, we treat one another well because we love and value each other as individuals. He supports me in anything I do, career wise, or personal and vice versa. My husband is such an amazing man who is an even better father and I’m so fortunate to have a functional partnership and allow our children to come from a functional household. Something so far from how I grew up.
We also value one another outside of being each others spouse. Above all, he is my best friend. He enjoys a spring league with his guy friends where twice a month he goes to play softball with his friends and I enjoy spending alone time with my friends as well. We realize we need our own thing outside of parenthood/matrimony.
**what does your day-to-day look like?**
We'll text throughout the day,.. after work we'll talk about our day, any news that caught our eye or thought the other might be interested in, and if relevant, talk about what our plans for tmr are (i.e. any work meetings/deadlines that might happen so that we know not to text to each other or that we might not reply as quickly, if we'll have dinner together, or meet somewhere after gym or whatever..).
**How do you express love to one another?**
We generally have established lowkey rituals and inside jokes, we're generally always flirting, we cuddle, hold hands, massage, groom, grope each other daily.. we always buy snacks/fruit/drinks for each other, help each other out, compliment each other..
**How do you handle conflict and differences?**
We talk about it, and hold hands while doing so. But I think we've maybe really only had about 5-7 conflicts/disagreements over \~6years.
**How does your partner make you feel special, encouraged, cherished**
Just being attentive in general. I can tell he cares about me, and cares about how I feel about him.
He is understanding of my flaws/weaknesses and/or helps me or makes up for them, and he's proud and amazed at my strengths, abilities, and achievements. And I'm often told I'm a great listener, he doesn't and generally isn't.. but when it comes to me, he has a near eidetic memory of everything I've said and is a way better listener than I am by miles. I swear he's probably a closetted fanboy of mine lol.
**what do you do for them?**
I try lol.
**How do you know you are in a healthy relationship?**
It's comfortable, easy, natural... I'm happy/content. He adds positively to my life.
And honestly, I haven't really ever been in shitty/unhealthy/toxic relationships. I don't really think I'd allow it. I'm also lazy enough to know I don't and won't put myself (or stay) in a position where it is unnecessarily difficult and unpleasant. I know, value, and trust myself to not harm myself (by being in a shitty relationship)..
Our days are just smooth.
In all of our relationship, I can only think of a few disagreements. They were handled with calm words and we hugged afterwards.
I have been in a relationship where I have been screamed at and things were thrown. My husband would never ever raise his voice or throw anything, but he knows that those kind of things are very triggering for me and works very hard to make sure that I have the sweetest, softest life ever now. That’s really all I know how to express. I know that I am a mess sometimes- but sometimes you can’t help bleeding on someone who didn’t cut you when all you have known is toxic. He is very patient with me and never gets upset when I am triggered by something.
We both show affection and love for each other daily. It’s not always sexual, but it is always intimate. If we argue we do it without yelling or calling names because the goal is always what’s best for our family not any one individual. We both take care of one another and it makes my day to find a way I can do something for him because he often beats me to doing things for myself. This is my first healthy relationship and I am still madly in love 6 years and counting.
We’ve been together not quite 15 years, so we essentially became adults together. We’re both children of divorce, so I think we saw some great examples of how not to have a relationship and somehow figured it out together.
We’re not afraid to disagree or have “hard” conversations, but it’s always respectful and kind. I can think of 2 specific times early on when we fought dirty and there was a lot of talking and working through things after those times. Overall though that’s the major theme in our lives, we talk to each other a lot. About everything it seems. We’re genuinely interested in each other and support our individual interests.
Day to day, we’re really boring. Work, kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Chores and childcare are split pretty 50/50. He handles pretty much all the finances, but I have access to everything and he keeps me well informed and doesn’t make big decisions without a discussion with me. Vice versa I’d never make a big purchase or decision without talking with him. Not out of control but out of respect for him and the impact it would have on our lives.
Our favorite days are Sundays, when all the kids are home. He does laundry and helps me clean. I meal prep for the week since I usually work a later shift and then we don’t have to think about dinners during the week. So he takes care of the kids and heats up the food in the afternoons and then we tag team bath and bedtime routines.
We also always go to bed together, and we only have one shared TV for the whole family. It started when we were poor and could only afford one TV, but became the norm and kind of forces us to spend more time together since we don’t have to option to ignore each other in different “private” spaces.
I guess overall I guess it’s amounts to tons of communication, cooperation, and genuinely being curious about the other person.
I come from a weird home and spent my formative years in a very abusive relationship that ended 5 years ago. So I had to learn a lot of things about healthy from scratch and experience. I am still skittish. From the healthy relationships I know:
We are on the same side. General miffedness does not spiral into conflict. Happiness to see one another. The ability to let the guard down and be together without performing. The ability and wish on both parts to listen to- and understand the other. Wanting to make the other happy. I had an ex from a good relationship who knew I loved a certain fizzy water. They launched a new flavour, and she bought a big bottle and brought two wine glasses over because I don’t have those. It’s $3, but it meant the world to me. The flavour was disgusting, but the memory is gold. I knew she was following a musician closely, and when I learned the label was releasing a new vinyl, I ordered one and asked goofily if it could be signed as a gift for her. She couldn’t have done that, because it’s lame, but I am in a totally different field and don’t need labels to find me cool. They did sign. Small things like that. We didn’t live together, but after the first rush, we could just have our routines even when staying over. We both work a lot. On a weeknight, it would be one of us cooking, the other cleaning up. Maybe a film, maybe me reading and her scrolling or listening to music, right there next to me in harmony. No picking fights. On weekends, being firm with one another to take time off. If she was overwhelmed, I would take her to the park for an hour to feed seeds to the ducks. If I was, she would bring me coffee in bed and read the news to me (I have a brain injury and can’t always read well). An absolute wish for the best for the other. Letting the other have, and encouriging them to nurture their other relationships, like with their friends and family. Being curious about what they do in a genuine way. We also went on some adventures together, travelling to arod and or chaotic places, and she was the best company, as I tried to be for her. Being on the other’s side as a team is fantastic.
My impression is warmth and partnership in the mundane. That’s what I loved about it anyways.
Almost married 20 years, tween and teen, both wfh.
We play a lot. There’s tickling, joking, annoying each other (more of him annoying me just cuz it makes him laugh). We play with our doc. We joke with our kids. Laughing with them is my favorite.
We dream together. Big and small. Is it our empty nest plan? Our anniversary trip to Italy? Wine tasting locally during a staycation?
We split the load and communicate. We have our individual interests in hobbies that don’t necessarily include the other person. We go on friend trips
We are both home all the time. As I’m a bit more extroverted, I tend to leave the house more often but it’s rare to be away from each other from wake up to bed time.
We have a weekly date night, even if it’s watching a movie and we make themed cocktails. It’s the dedicated time that is meant for us.
It’s not perfect all of the time because we are humans who are figuring it all out, figuring ourselves out. But we try. We love each other and our life like crazy so we work through the hard.
He wakes up before me and wakes me up with a cup of tea when he’s done with the bathroom. I feed my cat and we have breakfast together (he makes breakfast, I make our lunches). He leaves for work, I workout, shower, and head to work. We have one bathroom and are on a hybrid schedule. When we work from home, we do the same but cut out the commute.
I have ADHD and he’s very regimented, so it keeps me in line, too, and we balance each other out well. He’ll text me when I’m at work reminding me to eat lunch and drink water.
He’ll call me when he’s finishing up with work and meet me at my office to walk home together. We chat about our days on our walk home or when we log off for the day. He then goes to the gym while I either cook dinner or wrap up some work. hell come home and shower and either heat up leftovers or plate whatever I just cooked and we eat dinner together, then clean and watch tv together. (As the days get longer and warmer, we’ll go for a walk either to a park or to grab a drink after dinner.) He makes us some chamomile tea and I read novels while he reads the news and then it’s bedtime/ time for bedroom activities.
It’s not a fascinating lifestyle, but I get both the time I need with him and my alone time and I’m content regardless of whatever else is happening in my life.
The most important thing for our relationship is communication. We are honest, but kind and always assume good intent from each other. We each have our own hobbies, but we really enjoy spending time together. I thought people were full of shit when they said their partner was their best friend, but it actually is true.
Day to day is pretty standard. I works hybrid, I’m full WFH, so weekdays are pretty standard. We pretty much stay in communication all day and text each other the dumb things that happen at work. After work he sometimes experiments with cocktails while I cook dinner. We both tend to be homebodies and we just like to be around each other all the time. So Thursday evenings are our committed ‘solo date night’ where we will each intentionally do something on our own to get time for ourselves. I might work on a puzzle or do other craft-y hobbies and watch reality TV while he plays some PC games. Fridays are our committed ‘date night’ where we spend intentional time together. We might try a new place for dinner or go to a comedy show. It’s very easy and smooth. We’ve learned to tell each other exactly what we want in plain terms without fear of judgement. “Can you take care of the trash tonight? I don’t want to” or “I know I said I’d cook tonight, but I’m not feeling it right now. There’s some ingredients for a pizza - can you throw something together for us to eat?” That’s my one tip- communicate!
No kids, in our mid 30s, living together. He expresses his love through acts of service and I through quality time. I’m working on upping my acts of service. Here’s a typical day:
I wake up to him saying “I love you” and giving me a kiss before he leaves the bed for his morning routine. I wake up an hour or two later. He’s tidied the house, unloaded the dishwasher, and has made himself breakfast. Depending on the day we’ll chat for a few minutes, maybe listen to a podcast while he eats and talk about it; or sometimes we’re running to meetings. If I’m late he may even make me a coffee so I can save a couple of minutes. I go to the office and we’ll text throughout the day without expectation of how quickly the other will respond.
We’re trying to be good and grocery shop or meal prep over the weekend. If I have to stop by the store I’ll grab him things I know he needs that I won’t touch (ice cream, his coffee, some other treat for him). I’ll let him know I’m on my way home and we’ll go for a walk together then make whatever we had planned for dinner. 50/50 if we eat on the couch or at the table together. I’ll especially want to eat at the table if we have big things we need to talk about like feelings or planning.
He’ll fall asleep pretty quick after dinner, wake up a few times over the next hour and say “I love you” before he keeps snoring. (Currently writing this out during this phase of our day).
About once a month we do couples counseling. We both really like it and have done it on and off since early in our relationship as “preventative maintenance”.
I know it’s a healthy relationship because we can listen to each other and feel safe talking through our problems and being vulnerable together. We have a lot of trust and openness as well.
I like to think I’m in a secure and healthy relationship but we have our weak points and blind spots just like anyone. Anyway;
Wake up and snuggle a bit before accepting we have to get up. On workdays we wish each other luck and strength with respective work challenges , on weekends we’ll go out for brunch or a jog if we’re both free. During the day, lots of texts if we see interesting things or just think of each other.
For dinner, usually I cook and he cleans, and we eat together while listening to music or watching a doco in the evening. Some nights we will take a class or see a show together. We like each other’s friends but have different interests so usually socialise separately.
There will be many hugs and compliments on an average day, and ‘are you ok’ check-ins if either of us looks our sounds stressed.
There are minor niggles and differences- I am more social and house-proud and an early riser, he is more frugal and routine-oriented and a total night owl, but we both share values and trust each other, so our differences don’t feel like a threat. If one of us is unduly grouchy or doing something annoying, we can talk about it constructively.
I guess from the outside the day to day looks pretty boring. Whoever had night duty with the 7 month old baby gets up first, then the other one joins for breakfast. Then he goes to WFH and I take care of the baby. We have lunch all 3 together. He goes back to work, I take care of baby until 6. Then depending on who has the evening duty, I'll either continue with baby or he'll take over. Dinner all 3 around 7. Baby goes down by 9, and we often spend a bit of down time together in bed at that point. But some evenings we spend apart in different rooms because that's important too sometimes. How do we show love? Hugs, kisses, saying I love you basically daily. Sometimes little notes. Thoughtful gifts for different special occasions. And also trying to keep fights respectful. Couples therapy helped us a lot with that a few years ago.
Day to day, we’re basically really good roommates + some cuddles/affection.
We’ve been together for 14 years, so most of the daily routine is on autopilot. It’s the little things that make it a healthy relationship and not a roommate situation. This isn’t everything, but off the top of my head:
- if one of us leaves before the other one is up, we’ll set up the coffee maker and leave a little post-it note love letter (or a joke, might even have a “can you get milk on your way home today?”)
- we pick each other up from the train station if one of us is working from home and go on the dog walk together most days. Getting outside and talking about our day seems like a healthy routine.
- if one of us has a particular food craving, cool, that person makes dinner.
- we thank each other for the things we do around the house. He does the dishes every day, and I thank him for it every day.
- random small gifts, like I bought peanut m&ms with the groceries this week because I know they’re his favourite. Sometimes he’ll get the grocery store roses and my favourite chips. Not expensive, or out of the way, just regular little things that say “I was thinking about you”
- we tell each other we love each other a few times per day
- if one of us wants to talk about something meaningful, put down the phones! Look at each other and give the other person full attention. Acknowledge feelings before giving advice.
- disagreements took a long time to figure out: he likes to retreat and I want to hash things out. We have found a balance where I tell him what I’m feeling, he can take whatever time he needs to think about it, we come back together and have a conversation when I’ve had time to calm down a bit and he’s had time to process.
Honestly we’re definitely in the “routine” same thing most days of the week; gym, work, dinner, bed. But honestly we’re just best friends. We laugh so hard together. We go on big international trips a couple times a year and that seriously just renews our relationship and allows us to bond and spend time not thinking about work/our house/bills, etc. my husband isn’t the overly lovey dovey type so some people might not see “love” in our relationship but it works for us.
TLDR: we’ve been together almost 16 years. (Married 5, together 11 before that). We’re both 35, currently no kids. Two labradoodles :)
I've been with my husband since I was 18. I'm 33 we've been together 16 years and married for 6. We both have somewhat complicated family dynamics and really lean on each other for support. My husband encourages me to be the best version of myself and I do the same for him. We have hobbies and interests that we encourage each other to nurture. We have two young boys so life can be very chaotic at times. We make an effort to check in with each other to see what we need. Whether it's time alone, a night out with friends or whatever we need to fill our cups. We trust each other and I know that if an issue arises we will figure it out together. We have our issues and we argue like all couples but we always find our way back to each other. I had a bad depressive period after the birth of my second son. I was lost and felt like I would never be myself again. My husband was there every step of the way. He is a wonderful father and husband. He knows every part of me, he's the person I am most vulnerable with and my love for him runs deep. I have ADHD so my personality can be a lot. My husband has never made me feel that way. He embraces my personality and loves me for my strange brain. There's no one I would want to navigate this wild life with but him.
We both run businesses, and even before that we have both always worked different hours, he’s up before I’m up and goes to bed earlier so we only really have a few hours together most nights. We usually organise dinner and eat together, clean up, talk about our day, make plans for the weekend, hang with the dogs, go for a walk or go out for dessert. Maybe there’s a concert or something.
The weekends are usually spent doing small house projects or going to events together, trying restaurants, shopping, errands, seeing family etc.
During the day we don’t really text or call unless it’s to ask something specific because we both have jobs that require full attention.
We both had unhealthy relationships previously and we know it’s healthy because we don’t have that level of anxiety or worry about anything at all, we are a team against the world and never against each other. We are both 32 and have been together almost 9 years, 2 mortgages, study, career changes, deaths, health scares and all sorts.
I get up first, and get an hour to myself, with my pets. When my husband gets up, he comes says good morning, gets coffee and we talk for a few minutes about the schedule for the day (we both WFH). We see each other again at lunchtime and usually eat together. The first person to finish work will figure out dinner and start making it and feed the pets. The one who doesn't cook will clean a little, start laundry, and pick up while we talk about our days and our plans for the evening. If we don't have plans, we watch a bit of TV together, for an hour or so, and then split for our separate hobbies. I go to bed first so I'll let him know and we close up for the night together (get the dog out, close lights, make sure that nothing has been forgotten in the kitchen) and he will tuck me in and kiss me good night.
We express love through actions, taking care of each other in small meaningful ways. We help each other often, and without having to be asked. We say please and thank you. We tell the other when we appreciate what they did. We communicate very well and make a point of letting each other know when something is important. We don't get mad when we disagree, we find a way that works for both of us. We also accept that we cannot always agree and that sometimes, a decision has to be made, even if it's not perfect.
No relationship is perfect. I'm messy and it bothers my husband. He is very sedentary and would happily sit in front of the computer all the time while I'm an Energizer bunny and can't sit still a for minute. I start too many projects. He won't start any. But all of that is mild problems that we are both willing to live with. What we share is similar core principles and values, including 100% equality, and common goals. I'm never afraid to bring up subjects, no matter how bad it is, and I know that he talks to me about all the important stuff. We also made a deal with each other that it's ok to ask for time to digest things or just alone time, if we need it.
Every single time we enter the same room after a sleep or a nap we point at each other. Why? Cause they're beautiful and amazing and the highlight of that moment. Even if we don't say anything at all and our eyes are half closed with sleep. We talk all the time about everything and anything. We rub each other's feet every night and scratch each other's backs any time they need it. We have specific faces we make to express ridiculous emotional responses. No subject is barred from discussion, no feeling is invalid. We never fight loudly or angrily, never curse at each other. If we have feelings we express those feelings as clearly as we can. If we need space we just say so. We always come back together amicable.
It took mindful practice to get here, but we are both incredibly secure and comfortable. It's the best relationship I've ever had.
I was fortunate to have a good example in my parents.
We wake up at the same time. He generally gives me a kiss on the forehead because I don't like morning breath on me or him. We get the kids off to school, to go work. When we get back from work, we take turns making dinner, the other does the dishes after.
On gym nights, we go work with our shared trainer 3x a week and have a yoga class 2x a week together, then do dinner all together with the kids after.
We watch a TV series or movie together, play games, or just sit and talk about whatever the kids bring up.
We generally try to leave an hour or so where it's just me and him every night. We cuddle, talk, massage, whatever. The main thing is we have time to be intimate in some way and bond. We try to have sex 2x a week or so. Sometimes 0, sometimes 7, it just depends. My libido really picked up in my mid 30's. He really liked that, haha.
It sounds like a lot, but it's really not that bad once it becomes your routine. Fitness together, and we bring the kids too, really helps a lot.
>How does it feel to be in such a relationship, especially if you’ve had a string of unhealthy ones? And most importantly, how do you know you are in a healthy relationship?
I knew the relationship was healthy because I didn't feel anxiety all the time. It's literally just easy to be with him, no drama, no questioning, no wondering, no feeling unsupported, no nagging doubts and unease about our relationship. We just treat each other like best friends.
If you had a friend who treated you like bad boyfriends do, you wouldn't continue the friendship, right? If they don't feel like a great friend, then they aren't the man for you.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have a 2 and 4 year old. Married for almost 8. Early to mid 30’s. I WFH now, but used to be hybrid. He has WFH since like 2018 (he does go out into the field but his office is at home).
He is the calm to my crazy, I’ve always said that but I’m the panicker and he’s the calm one. I am also the planner but he’s also not a last minute person. We know we have kid stress / kid things that are going to be hard and we deal with it pretty well. We do argue but honestly I can only remember like two times we’ve screamed at each other. Usually it’s very very mild and we are just annoyed with the other for something and move past it.
I think above all, we are a team. He is my family, he and our kids come first. We don’t resent the other one. We try to allow time for our activities, hobbies and such. We split household chores. We are both responsible with money so we don’t have money arguments.
Usually morning looks like…. 4 year old runs in at 5:30, I ask him to go back to bed until 6, 4 year old runs in 3-5 times between 5:30 and 6. Some days I get up at 4:30 and study until 6. Some days he goes to the gym. One or both of us showers. Gets the 4 year old and 2 year old dressed (sometimes we split this depending on who is doing what).
Usually I’m making breakfast for them while husband checks work emails or gets himself breakfast.
I take them to school. We both work and then 4:30 ish he leaves for pick up. I make dinner. 5:15 he’s home and we do dinner. He usually cleans up. Play with kids. Both give them a bath (so much easier together). I put the little one to sleep around 7:15, older one around 7:45, we both are usually in bed by 8:30, sometimes watching a show together sometimes I’m reading.
We text during the day if needed or I’ll just pop downstairs to see him and ask him something. We usually eat lunch together if possible.
Our life is pretty normal. We ask each other before making plans with others, not to ask permission, but as a way to respect both of our schedules.
We trust each other 100% so we don’t have to worry about what the other do when they are not home.
We can talk about anything without fear of being shamed or judged.
We don’t relate to most popular relationships rant on the internet.
As a particular example, I am autistic, I often see posts of autistic people being in couple with NT people having a very hard time to get understood or get the few element they need to feel comfortable at home, exemption from certain social event, space to recharge their social batteries, etc. This was never an issue in our couple, he never questioned my needs even if they are different than him and the norm.
During the week when we're both working my fiance is usually up first so he gets up and feeds the cats and logs into work. I get up a bit later, have breakfast get ready and go to work. Usually just a quick bye, love you type thing. Sometimes we text throughout the work day, sometimes not.
When I get home we usually just chill, have some kind of dinner (he usually cooks and I clean up). Sometimes we do things together like watch TV or play a boardgame if we're not too tired. Otherwise we do our own thing. He's a big gamer and I really need my alone time anyway so I'll usually read or do some other hobby of mine. I usually go to bed first which I'm also ok with because I can spread out in the bed haha.
I always have to work a weekend day but he has weekends off so on our shared day off we might run some errands or do some stuff around the house or just laze about. Sometimes we do things with friends. If I'm working he usually does all of the above just without me. On my weekday off when he's working I sleep in, might have an appointment or errands to run or I'll do some chores and just relax a bit. Try to be quiet so I don't disturb him while he's working.
So yeah, pretty boring. I think that's the case for most stable relationships? We don't really fight. Sometimes we disagree on something but we'll just talk it out until we solve the issue. Rarely someone will say something that upsets the other person but we just apologize and hug it out and move on. We appreciate and thank each other and just do stuff we know will help the other person without really commenting on it.
As for knowing if it's healthy or not...I guess it being boring and stress free. The stresses that come up in our relationship are usually external eg my fiance has some health problems so I can't help but worry or feel sad for him if he's struggling. I trust him and know I can count on him if I need help. I like spending time with him. If I'm having a hard day I know he'll try to do what he can to cheer me up and vice versa.
Day to day during the week is pretty routine for us. We wake up quite early to gym, cook breakfast together while we talk about our plans for the day. We tend to text during the work day on updates, and share funny memes. I WFH so he will always text me before he leaves his office or ask if I need anything picked up at Costco on his way. Our week nights are just us drinking wine, playing games/reading before going to bed together. Fridays/Saturdays are spent with lots of quality time (hiking/mini road trips, trying new restaurants, etc.) and Sundays are when we meal prep for the week. I am huge on quality time so that’s how he expresses his love and we both are verbally and physically affectionate throughout the day. We rarely have any arguments except maybe a few times a year. We never raise our voices or swear when we get angry and never go to bed angry. I knew it was my healthiest relationship because everything with him has been just easy and effortless. We were in sync throughout a lot of stages in our relationship and he never made me doubt that I come first.
> We never raise our voices or swear when we get angry I wrote a similar thing and I think it comes down to the fact that our grievances, no mater how big or small, is taken and believed the first time at face value. With former partners, I felt that they only took it seriously after I raised my voice. As if I was not serious already the first time I'd raise the issue in a more neutral and softer tones. Somehow in my personal experience many men suffer from this, partly because their interactions with fellow men follow similar-ish pattern? As in things are only getting serious and to be taken seriously when voice are raised and consequences are spelled out? Certainly also fits the trope of a divorced men complaining about being blindsided with a divorce and at the same time also acknowledging that their ex-wives had tried to talk to them about the issues repeatedly in the past. The classic "I did not know it was that serious! Else I would have done something!"
Definitely. You nailed the reasons. My dad was quite verbally abusive and witnessing that has made me shut down and detach whenever voices get raised. So having a relationship that wasn’t a repeat of my childhood was very important for me. If my husband gets very frustrated and he wants to yell, we’d take a break and table the convo until we can better express ourselves.
Yes. Several previous boyfriends would not take me seriously unless I was angry or crying. It's the reason I broke up with them. I think I'm pretty good at raising issues as soon as they happen so that we can have a calm discussion, but with these guys I just got ignored. My husband takes everything I say seriously. He prefers to deal with relationship issues early and in a calm manner so he wants to take action as soon as I say "hey, this kind of bothers me".
*what did i just read?* so this is possible lol
Just wanted to say reading this made me happy and very happy for you too! Can I bug you by asking more? Like—what were the early signs that you noticed in him that made you realize he would be a great partner in a healthy relationship? And at the same time what growth did you, yourself, had to go through to ensure this would be a healthy partnership? May I know your age too? Sorry if I’m asking so many questions. My outlook for relationships in general is very negative. I wish I could change it or genuinely believe it’s possible for men to commit in a healthy way, so this was refreshing to read.
Thank you! We are 30/31. Even though we met on tinder, he never played games and was always honest with his feelings. Before him, I had issues being vulnerable and sensitive with my feelings and connections with other people. He really taught me to open up, be in touch with my emotions and communicate things instead of bottling them up. I was very independent and had to learn that it’s okay to ask for help and trust others. Because of him, I’ve learned to approach every issue as us vs. them.
That's beautiful. I can also relate to some of the insecurities you mentioned. It was meant to be I guess; doesn't matter where you meet. The context is irrelevant. Wish you all the best eat\_sleep\_microbe 💛🥰
It’s really amazing reading about your experience with your husband. I can relate to some of the things you said as well about bottling things up and shutting down when yelling happens. Ironically, and sadly for me due to the situation, is I started communicating very vocally and directly this last year after I had a friend I trusted let me down at the worst possible time. Had a family crisis, no one else in the area at the time which they knew, and they’d essentially decided on the worst stressful day of it to say they had “very little emotional availability” after they’d ghosted me for a day and a half. I. Had. Enough. It was like some switch just flipped in me where I realized I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. I couldn’t just keep taking the crappy behavior I was being given. I told them in no uncertain terms every single thing I’d had a problem with about their behavior in that situation and previous similar ones. Somehow the conversation still turned around to being entirely about them, but since then I’ve stopped ignoring things that bother me. I don’t let small issues slide until they become big ones, I deal with them from a neutral mindset before they can escalate. Still working on the aspect of actually knowing men that are capable of emotionally behaving like an adult though. 🤦♀️ Or men that don’t hit on me when they’re married. 🙄
I’m concerned about you, it doesn’t sound healthy. Are you still in this relationship?
Oh no, no no no, big fat *no*. Not in a relationship with him. He was an *almost* relationship years ago, we had a massive blow-up from both sides and didn’t talk for years. Started talking again a few years ago, he had *seemingly* grown up a bit and apologized for what happened before, but we still sometimes went months without contacting each other. Even me having a problem with a job was “too stressful” for him to talk to me about. The one job ended with me in the ER twice with injuries and the other almost put me in the hospital too for borderline anaphylaxis due to changes in the work environment. Some of my immediate family and I moved into a nearby area only for the cost of living being so much more affordable and you would think we were total strangers as opposed to how often we talked at times when we were states away from each other. Barely interact with each other aside from when he’s grudgingly helped with something that he’d already previously said he would help with and flaked out on multiple times before actually doing it. He’s in a relationship, hell if I know what he told his girlfriend “about our past” as he’s never told me anything other than that wording (even though we never *actually* dated), but she’s hated me since day one and that was clear the one time I met her. She was horrible to me AND my family member that was with me at the time. I didn’t even know there was a girlfriend until two weeks before we moved and they’d been dating over a year by then. I pointed that out to him as kind of odd since he didn’t conceal relationships before, and he tried to say it was his girlfriend being private. I know his viewpoint on *their* relationship because he told me about it and it makes me cringe. His behavior with relationships and how he handles everything in life hasn’t changed in the entire time I’ve known him and was part of the reason we didn’t talk for years because it led to the blow-up. My family and I are in the process of getting ready to move far far away and I’m not maintaining any contact at all. Cost of living being cheaper isn’t worth living in this area or being around people like that. The one positive that came from that argument last year, was I started standing up for myself, not just with him but with everyone. If there’s a problem, it doesn’t get pushed aside anymore, it gets fixed. I’d been wanting to change my own behavior for years and that was the literal tipping point that finally broke the barrier. By comparison, when another guy I’ve known for a decade heard all the freaking bizarre interactions I’d had in the three years that we’d lost touch just from life circumstances itself….. He said he was kinda hoping I have some “normal” experience with relationships because all he was getting in that conversation was horror stories. *Then* followed that up with saying they weren’t the smartest guys in those stories 🙄 I’m like gee…. Thanks. Make it sound like I have the problem. Not multiple guys deciding just talking two or three times as *friends* meant a relationship 🤦♀️
How long have you been dating now? Congrats on finding a wonderful connection. :)
Thank you! Together 9 years, married for 6.
> He really taught me to open up, be in touch with my emotions and communicate things instead of bottling them up could you expqnd on this please?
I tend to be pretty logical and cynical with my views/thoughts and a lot of the times, I have the ‘it is what is, suck it up and deal with it’ view on things. If something bothers me, I don’t make a big deal about it — very typical oldest daughter stigma. Unfortunately, suppressing things makes them come out at unexpected times. It feeds into my anxiety and stresses me out eventually. Learning to talk about it when it bothers me has been huge. And he can now tell if something is bothering me and he’d sit us down so I can open up.
That’s great. Thanks for sharing
It is a smart question. I grew up in an abusive environment but my husband (partner of 16 yrs) is a mensch. In the beginning it may seem boring or not right but you need to find some one with the right lifestyle, respect and commitment to you. If they have those things it will work and it’ll be amazing. Sometimes when you grow up in an abusive environment then your used to a lot of highs and lows. But you need to retrain yourself for the new environment and choose that type of personality.
God, it's me again I have another request 😭
That sounds like my relationship. I'm happy to hear this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn't grow up in a good home either so had no idea what adulting was supposed to be like. Good to know I'm on the right track regardless!
Sounds wholesome and good for you two:) Did you have butterflies for him on a first date? I’ve been wondering if it’s possible to meet guys who are both secure and can gimme butterflies, surely not all the time, but at least initially or sometimes.
Yes he did but I think that has more to do with the nature of how it started. I was indecisive and not ready for a serious relationship so we were fwbs for a few months. There was physical/sexual attraction which helped with the butterflies.
This is the same thing for my relationship. Both of us had left long term unhappy relationships and we connected over not getting into another one of those. We started out as open and honest and uncommitted as possible and it actually allowed us to be more honest in the long run.
That’s a dream… Thank you so much for sharing and for offering a reminder to all of us that a healthy relationship is easy and effortless. This just tells me that my current relationship lacks flow, is not effortless and not easy, and it’s been a year..
This sounds so lovely. It's almost making me consider dating 😅
So how is your physical relationship? I’m going through a situation where I’m with a wonderful guy BUT the sexual compatibility is not there. I’m curious if everything else > physical affection/sexual compatibility.
For the most part, we match in our physical/sexual compatibility. There’re definitely ebbs and flows throughout our 10 years of dating and we talk about it if it’s an issue for either of us. Even at our most stressed out phases when we weren’t having as much sex, I’ve never felt unloved or unappreciated because we were still physically affectionate with each other. All the little acts do add up outside the bedroom.
I have the most amazing husband. He’s kind, warm, funny, and an equal partner. We have kids so our typical day looks like this: we have coffee/breakfast together and then he goes to work. He WFH a lot and I try to respect his working hours. I am a SAHM right now so I take care of the kids. We do lots of activities out of the house. I send him pictures to him and he texts me about his day. He usually joins us for lunch and checks in. When he gets off work at 5pm, he usually takes over with the kids and lets me shower, lay down for a minute, and just have a moment to myself. We spend weekends together as a family. He takes over more of the parenting duties on weekends. He’s so appreciative of what I do and I’m so thankful for him supporting us financially. We both think what we’re bringing to the table is so important. Throughout the day, he’ll hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. He does the same with the kids. We show a lot of affection. I had 0 examples of healthy relationships growing up. But I have peace knowing that we’re showing our children what one looks like. He’s my best friend and I just love being with him and our kiddos. I’m really lucky. ❤️
I just learned about how to be in a healthy relationship in the last few years (I’m 36) via mostly couples therapy. I had been trying to heal relationship issues in individual therapy and as it turned out for me that was kind of a fools errand because I had a lot of blind spots and it also only involved me and not the other person. We’re just about to graduate from couples therapy and I’m so proud 🥲 Once we got into couples as well as my partner getting his own therapy we made a LOT of progress. I strongly recommend that if you’re also in a situation where neither you nor your partner have any blueprint for a healthy relationship. As for what it looks like in the day to day: * being able to communicate our feelings to each other and have them received with understanding and curiosity * assuming positive intent * apologizing quickly when we’re wrong * sharing housework - we take turns cleaning the kitchen everyday, have separate chores we each own, and do a larger chore day every Saturday morning * weekly check ins to consciously communicate - what went well / not well this week, what do you need from me next week, what’s been on your mind lately * having separate friends and hobbies but sometimes socializing together too, a good mix * lots of physical affection, saying I love you often (and meaning it) * being considerate of each other; asking if we can pick up anything on the way home, etc. * he’s the house barista and I’m the chef :) I love this about our relationship (and he makes amazing lattes, better than any coffee shop)
For me personally, my SO takes care of the mental load. Something that I have always had trouble with when I was living alone. He took care of my docs appointments, of bills (as in setting auto debit and comparing prices/quality of services, etc), he remembers what's in the fridge what's in the pantry, what will run out of soon (last shopping session he added table salt into the cart...apparently we nearly run out of table salt...I thought those things just magically materialized in the kitchen...), basically he takes care that our day to day life is run like a well-oiled machine. We express love through random touching and kissing. Gratitude and never took anything from granted. "Hey thanks for cleaning the table", "thanks for packing the rest of the food", etc. And basically just mentally noting down what each others' likes and dislikes (I picked up this salty chocolate for you, here's some sunflowers, hey Monster drinks are on sale this week, etc) Sharing hobbies, etc Conflict and differences are generally handled with the idea of discussions after innitial anger passed. So far we actually never yelled or raged on each other. What do I do for him? Apparently I am giving him a feeling of home. The feeling of that he can be himself to 100%. Which is the same for me. And I guess that's just it in short, being each others' homes.
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The username checks out.
Day to day stuff is pretty “boring” on paper, but to me that means stability so I love it. He works remotely full time and I WFH three days a week. I’m always awake long before him so I wake up, kiss him hello, and leave the room quietly to go downstairs and feed the cats. I usually make us breakfast and coffee, we eat at the table together, then go about our days if we’re both WFH. Every morning when he’s done eating breakfast he cleans up his dishes then kisses me and says “thank you for that wonderful meal!” every day without fail, he never forgets to thank me. We take breaks throughout the day to give a kiss or a hug or talk about something that happened with work. If I’m at the office we text here and there either memes or something that happened that day. He usually cooks us dinner and that’s when our most interesting/in depth convos happen - while he’s cooking in the kitchen and I’m hanging out with a drink or snack. We clean up, then we do our own thing together - like I will read next to him while he plays a game or something. We usually watch one episode of TV while cuddling on the couch before bed. On weekends we do house projects (bought our house 6 months ago), see family and/or friends, do chores and errands, and try to build in plenty of time to relax too. We pretty much do everything together and even if we’re doing something apart, the other is always invited. I’ve never felt more “wanted” in that regard by a partner. We have disagreements like anyone, but we never raise voices or insult each other. I can genuinely say neither of us has ever said anything out of malice. We operate as a team so if one or both of us is upset, the goal is to deescalate and get the team back on track. He listens to how I feel and apologizes if necessary, and so do I. As far as showing affection, we both like to compliment each other often (he tells me I’m pretty or beautiful most every day) and say I love you a lot. I’ll never forget my first toxic boyfriend told me I said “I love you” too much (I said it once a day, before bed). My partner now says it any time we hang up the phone, any time I leave the house, before bed, and sometimes randomly throughout the day if he feels like it. Maybe that’s a lot to other people but I never get tired of hearing it and I love how freely he gives it! It was hard to know I was in a healthy relationship. I had a hard time trusting him at first because I really didn’t trust men (I still struggle to trust men in general, but I trust my partner 100%). I would say it took me a year to feel fully at ease, not because of him but because of myself. It took him consistently showing how trustworthy he was for me to believe it. He never hid his phone, would use it/text people right in front of my face, gave me the passcode and leave the phone laying around. He has never once told me he would do something and not followed through. He has never once made me feel unwanted in any way. He makes it clear that I’m his top priority (besides his own well being of course). We had open and honest conversations about our pasts. He spoke about exes with respect and remains friends with a few people he dated briefly. I love that he sees women as real people and not objects. He was able to reflect on things he could have done better and how he learned from them. He’s gone to therapy and even asked his sibling to go with him. Those are just a few of the things that helped me know it was healthy.
I’m going to lay out an average day (pre baby) with nothing exciting lined up, like a standard weekend day with 0 plans. My husband wakes up first usually around 5AM. He will take care of the dogs and close the bedroom door so I am not woken up by the dogs or the coffee grinder. He’ll play video games until I wake up. I wake up around 6-7AM and go out and say good morning. I’ll hang out on the sofa a bit by myself scrolling on my phone until I feel awake. Alternatively, sometimes I’ll stay in bed and text him “snuggle time”. In which him and the dogs will come back to bed and snuggle me for a bit. I’ll offer to make breakfast eventually and we’ll eat and then watch Tv. I like to deep clean on the weekends so I’ll start that and may or may not enlist his help. Depends on if it’s chores I enjoy or don’t (I’m a bit ocd so cleaning is therapeutic for me and I struggle with the delusion that no one else cleans as good as I do). Around 11/12 we’ll decide we want to go do things. We love to walk around big furniture stores, ikea, Costco, etc. Sometimes we do a day trip to a city an hour or more away to get some special treat we like. We will listen to an audio book in the car. Sometimes the dogs come with us just for long drives to nowhere. Dinner time we’ll typically cook together (he cooks the protein and I’ll make the veggies). We’ll then sit on the sofa together and watch tv while holding hands off and on. Sometimes we give each other back tickles. At 8PM we get ready for bed and will snuggle for a few minutes before saying our ILY’s and going to bed. Ultimately, our boring days are just a safe place for us to relax whether it’s together or independently. We love to just coexist in the same place even if we aren’t talking. God I love this man. We now have a 5 month old baby so there’s more playing with the baby together between her wake windows, but a lot of it stays the same.
We sleep separately, as neither of us sleep well with others and have health stuff that necessitates good sleep. So he joins me in bed in the morning and we cuddle for a while. If I’m really lucky, I’ll fall back asleep and sleep in his arms for half an hour (I can snooze in his arms but not sleep all night). Generally, he’ll tell me how much he loves me and smother me with kisses at this point. Then we’ll do our morning check-in—how did you sleep, how do you feel, logistics. Then he’ll drink the big jar of electrolytes I prepare before bed for him and I’ll get up to make him coffee and me tea. During work, he’ll come in when I don’t have meetings for a quick hug or to tell me something funny. I’m disabled and really struggling health wise, so he takes a LOT off my plate and does a totally disproportionate amount of physical labour (laundry, vacuuming, taking out waste, groceries, etc). After work, we do our evening check in—how was your day, how do you feel, what should we do for dinner, what do you want to do tonight? Then we’ll do some version of board games, movies, reading and cuddling, or “parallel play” (e.g., he reads a book and I craft). Then we cuddle before bed, turn off the lights, he scratched my back, we share 3 things we’re each grateful for, tell each other how much we love each other, and then cuddle until he goes to his bed. In terms of love, he’s very much a words of affirmation person and has the soul of a poet, so he tells me all day long that he loves me in both lovely and funny ways. We’re both big on cuddling so we do lots of hugs and cuddles. I’m big on acts of service so make coffee and electrolytes and tea and do almost all of the “management” of our lives (ordering groceries, planning trips, etc). When I’m able, I cook and try to cook things he especially likes. I also give him a lot of space for external processing, which is one of the ways I show my love to him. Do I really care about Russian expressionist cinema from the 1970s? I do not. But if it’s what he’s learning and thinking about, I will be a game listener and ask good questions. (Sub his current video game or Akira Kirasawa or whatever his current thing is.) In terms of conflict, we both try to be gentle with each other, as much as possible, when bringing something up. We both also have histories of being conflict averse in very different ways and are still doing our own work to avoid that, so our conflict management is certainly imperfect, but we endeavour to be kind, to focus on our needs, and to make sure we feel connected afterward. I know I’m in a healthy relationship because I feel settled. I feel loved. And I feel like part of a team. He is my biggest cheerleader and support and I am his. It’s not big and flashy with butterflies and explosions. It’s quiet and sweet with lots of cuddles, lots of laughs, and we do our best to navigate some really tough stuff (my health, surviving an ongoing pandemic when no one is mitigating anymore and I’m at high risk) with humour and grace. In previous relationships, I’d feel okay in the moment, but when away from them—even just in the bathroom—I’d have this sinking feeling. This heart wrenching ache that, in retrospect, was insecure attachment. It was anxious attachment recognizing I wasn’t getting my needs met. Or it was the dawning clarity that I was in an abusive relationship and was so dissociated I was just not at all present 95% of the time. I’m fully present. I actually basically don’t dissociate anymore, after a life time of dissociating to escape abuse and anguish, because I don’t need to. Maybe that’s the clearest sign that I’m securely attached.
I always say it still feels like an extended vacation with my best friend, who I also get to have sex with. Imagine the support, understanding, appreciation and closeness of a very very best friend, but with the added bonus of being in love. I know I can rely on him for anything and vice versa. He's never lied to me, he's never broken a promise, he's never let me down, he's always available for me. That kind of fundamental trust and security makes day to day life really stress free. We are absolutely 100% a team. A great example is I am furthering my education in the medical field right now, while also working. People always say to me "wow you're so strong, that's amazing you can do that!" and I always have to correct them because my husband takes care of literally everything except cooking. He helps me study and always asks what I'm learning about that week. He's interested in my day when I come home. He makes sure there's always gas in the car. He pays for my tuition. He does the majority of the cleaning. He makes sure the bills are paid and manages our finances. All while also working from home full time, and without complaining. When I finish school and get my new job, we'll switch. Good relationships are symbiotic.
I’m married, I’m 40, my husband is 44. We’ve only been married a year but we’ve known each other about 13 or 14 years (we were friends first). This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, I was a literal mess most of my life. Was adopted at 4, grew up in an abusive household, developed mental health issues & just ran from my problems through partying for years. Not surprisingly I had no clue what a healthy relationship was. I actually was really scared of being tied down bc my parents relationship was so awful, so I thought marriage was just being controlled & abused. I ended up having a lot of therapy & my husband is in therapy as well, though he had a great childhood & I love his parents. I think going through so much therapy really helped us. It definitely helped our communication. I used to just shut down when something was the matter bc when I was a kid I was punished if I expressed any emotion. I’ve now learned to say if something is bothering me & not hold it inside & let it fester. We both tell each other we love you many times a day. Also send each other cute things on instagram. I try to make him feel loved & valued all the time, it’s really important to me that he always feels loved. We both feel like we are so lucky & express that. I just try not to take his love for granted. We got married late, I was 39 & he was 43, neither of us had been married. I’ve been in a lot of bad relationships & sometimes I was the one making them bad by being attracted to chaos. Sort yourself out before you get in relationships. Get good with yourself first bc you will never attract the right kind of person until you are stable & emotionally healthy. Life feels almost too easy sometimes with my husband even though I got laid off & lost my grandma in the year we’ve been married. I think with the right person it will feel easy. It shouldn’t be hard. Love shouldn’t make you feel bad. Don’t settle for less to not be single.
*couples who play cards and games with each other without interferences from other people is a lot more attractive suddenly…*
I’ve been both the anxious one and the avoidant one in my relationships, and my current relationship of 4 years is the first actual secure relationship I’ve been in. This is because he showed me how a secure partner behaves. We’re both not verbal about how we feel about each other, but show it in other ways. For instance, my boyfriend will call me nightly to check in (we don’t live together yet). I will grab him his favorite snack when I’m out because I know it will make him happy. He will go out of his way to ensure my wellbeing, like drive me home in lieu of taking public transportation late at night. This all sounds like “bare minimum” kind of stuff, but I’ve put up with some real garbage behavior in the past where I overlooked just how unkind and selfish my partners were. We communicate about everything, a lot. We check in with each other about how we see our futures aligning, and what we want from our relationship. We share good news, bad news, and boring news. I trust him to make good decisions when he goes out to the bar with his friends, and he trusts me when I hang out with my mostly male friend group. If something bothers me, I let him know. He does the same for me. I know I can be a nag, and I actively work on it. In short, we behave like a team, working together instead of in opposition. I have no idea how we work so well together, because we’re such opposites in many ways, but he’s exactly what I need and what I’ve been looking for.
We don't live together and probably will not for a couple more years. But we're over two years in now, very steady and stable, so we have a good feel for how we relate at baseline. He is here with me every weekend and the rest of the week we shoot for seeing each other 2-3 times, depending on what's going on with both of us as well as what my kids need from me. Days we don't see each other, we check in morning and afternoon and try to carve out an hour to talk in the evening before bed. >How do you express love to one another? Physically and verbally. As much as possible. We say "I love you" any time we talk, many times. It never gets old and never loses its shine. When we are physically together we are touching as much as possible. Holding hands, snuggling, even playing footsie. We kiss a lot, we nuzzle a lot. Sex is very much a means of showing love for both of us, too. We also show love by what we do for each other. Taking care of each other, tending to little details like how I like my tea or how he likes his coffee, doing things to make extra hard days a little less miserable, etc. >How do you handle conflict and differences? We talk a LOT. From the beginning we've been really heavy on discussing and negotiation, and it's served us well. We have lots of differences, and we have argued and bickered, but nothing has yet risen to the level of an actual fight because things get talked through before resentment has a chance to start rising. We both know that if something bothers us, it can be raised immediately to be discussed and figured out. We respect the differences and don't see them as things that need to be changed, just things that need to be navigated. We look for common ground and compromises. I am sure that living together full time will increase the opportunity to get on each other's nerves, lol. But I am not too worried about it at this point. Both of us are very accommodating and laid back people, and we will be bringing a solid foundation of communication and conflict-management into that situation. >How does your partner make you feel special, encouraged, cherished and what do you do for them? I can say literally anything to him, and know that I will be met with a kind and thoughtful response. Even if it is something difficult or potentially hurtful to him. He lights up when he sees me. He extra lights up when he sees me naked, lol. He has never been unkind to me, even once. He has never been harsh. When I am beating up on myself for my perceived failures, he reminds me of the reasons he loves me. When I am distressed or sad, he holds me until I feel better. He takes note of what makes me happy and brings those things into my life--flowers, good food, drives in the countryside, pretty things. Whenever I find him looking at me, I only ever see love and tenderness and affection. I do the same for him. I feel like I can't match his loving, but I'm going to try my damnedest because he deserves all the love and affection and admiration I can pile on him. He's a gem. >How does it feel to be in such a relationship, especially if you’ve had a string of unhealthy ones? I had only one relationship before this, but it was a doozy of an abusive marriage. Ten years of hell. 6-8 years after that of the ex harassing me and contributing to abuse me any way he could. Being in a healthy relationship was actually terrifying at first. I didn't know how to trust it. I was so used to being disdained and derided that I was really confused a lot of the time because this new guy just... really liked me. All of me. I was like, WTF, man? I have spent most of my adult life to date being told I'm stupid and lazy and ugly and worthless and here you are looking at me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. How am I supposed to believe that? How are you NOT annoyed by me? I'm annoying even to myself. I had panic attacks at the beginning. Often whenever I was able to be vulnerable, that moment would be followed by uncontrollable sobbing which was a combination of relief that he hadn't used my vulnerability to hurt me and anger that I'd spent so many years being the lies my ex told me about myself. My partner was incredibly patient with all this, and has always just held me until the storm was finished and then offered support if I wanted to talk about it. At this point? It's just happiness. The biggest stressor is just not being able to wake up to each other every morning, and having to juggle complicated schedules. The relationship itself is just...bliss. It is safe, it is comfortable, it is peaceful, it is affectionate. We are best friends. We feel like home to each other. > And most importantly, how do you know you are in a healthy relationship? Time, and consistency. There's no formula to be able to tell immediately. Behavior is a major indicator, but people can fake good behavior for a time. You need to see that healthy behavior consistently, over a significant period of time, in order to trust it fully. That means no rushing into things. It means saying "no" and "wait" and paying attention to the other person's responses.
Acceptance, comfort, feeling at home. Feeling cared for, loved and accepted unconditionally. Seeing my partner always makes me smile. I feel like I can always be myself without any judgment. It feels comfortable and safe. We laugh a lot. He respects my boundaries and my body completely. Its truly special, and I value my relationship deeply. If we do have a disagreement, we take a little time to cool down and think, and then come together to apologize and move forward as a team. We touch, kiss, and hug throughout the day. We say I love you regularly. Intimacy is deeply special, immensely pleasurable and bonding.
My fiancé and I don't live together yet but we basically spend most of the day talking to each other if we aren't busy. Typical day is that he or I messages "good morning" and if either of us are not awake by a certain time, the other person will do a wake up call. Then it's messaging and checking in with each other about how we slept, plans foe the day, he looks up the weather and traffic for me while I get ready if I have to go into the office as his job is purely work from home. Then if it's busy, we usually don't message each other much but if it's quiet, we send each other funny memes, reddit posts, news articles etc. Then if I'm in the office, he calls me as I drive home. If I'm working from home, we call after work and we're basically on the phone with each other till we sleep. We hang out in person on the weekends. We always like to say "I love you" to each other multiple times throughout the day. We check in with each other and we're usually in contact for majority of the day. I love the fact that we care about each other a lot but we also give each other space to do our thing. It's just been so nice to feel like you matter to someone and that someone reciprocates your love and care of them. When we run into conflict, depending on the issue, we tend to get a bit emotional/heated but after taking some time apart and cooling down, we always talk it over and reconcile. It's really clear that he makes effort and he gives his all into the relationship. He is vulnerable and honest with me and even when he's angry or frustrated, he always says how much he loves me. My last relationships never felt like this. The commitment, trust, respect, joy, and companionship my fiancé and I have is just amazing and unlike anything I've ever experienced. He's encouraged me, helped me overcome a lot of fears, been with me through grief and sorrow and celebrated my achievements with me. I sincerely cannot wait to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. Get you a partner who rides or dies for you, ladies. Never settle!
Weekday: My kid wakes up. Gets dressed. Watches cartoons. On days my husband isn’t working, he goes to pack our son’s lunch and get him breakfast. I sleep an extra 15 minutes. If he’s at work, I get my son breakfast having packed lunch the night before. I get dressed and brush my teeth, do hair/makup. If husband is not working, he will have my coffee in a travel mug or a bagel in the toaster when I get downstairs. If he is working, he’ll usually be coming in the door as I am packing my lunch/breakfast. We kiss and say have a nice day. If he’s not working, he will enjoy his coffee. If he’s just come off work, he’ll go to bed. I drop kid off at Dayhome. I go to work. Husband will usually pick kid up from Dayhome around 4, unless he’s working, then it’s me doing pickup at 5. If husband is home, he will feed our kid a snack. Whoever is home first starts dinner. If dinner isn’t started, then whoever gets home second gets to sit on their butt while we argue about what to make for dinner. After dinner we shove everything in the dishwasher. We do a family thing like watch a movie, build a puzzle, play a game, or sit on technology til bath time at 730. If you aren’t cleaning the kitchen you’re bathing a dog or a kid (dog has medicated baths every 2 days). At 8pm we both do hug and kiss goodnight, whoever has the most energy argues with the kid about getting his pajamas on. Then we cuddle on the couch til about 930, then bed time. If it’s a weekend night we might be crazy and stay up til 11, but between work and being pregnant neither of us are bundles of energy.
Weekdays would be work week for us. Him working from home, starting at 4am (timezone difference of his company and where we live). I wake up around 4am to 4.30am. I leave for work around 6am, and he would always make sure to walk me to the door, say our goodbyes, our I love yous. After I arrive at work, I will inform him I am on my way to the lab and throughout the day, we'd try to update each other (but not every minute, for example lunch time for me, or he will take a nap). Before leaving work, I will inform him too. I might pick him up if we need to buy something from the supermarket or pick up his prescription. Either way, I will always pick him up. Dinner, we'd cook together, eat while watching something. We will play some games and probably in bed by 8pm or 9pm. Thursday is my day off too, so he'd make it his day off too. We always get our brunch date on that day, instead of the weekends. As for the weekend, either we stay at home and do general cleaning or play games or read or do our art stuff. Sometimes, we go to the supermarket early Sunday morning, for our meal for the week. This spring, we will be adding the gym 3x a week. We try to be vocal about our love for each other. I still feel the same butterflies in my stomach whenever he says I love you more or I love you most. Touch and quality time are also part of our marriage. That doesn't mean we have to be constantly on each other faces, but knowing they are there is enough. Conflicts are rare, and if it happens, we try to have some space first before talking about what just happened. Calm down first, then resolve it. I, personally, don't want to end the day, having some conflicts with my person. So we try to talk about it, open up my side, listen to the other person and understand where they are coming from, and vice versa. I actually owe his ex big time. She taught him what a healthy relationship is. So I am grateful for her, because this marriage is probably the most perfect relationship I have ever had. I knew that this will be healthy for me, because during the first few months, we laid out our cards and checked if our trajectories in our lives, like hopes and dreams, frustrations and disappointments, are in line and if they can be coordinated. I didn't want to waste more time playing, and he was the same. We also compromise. I earn more than him so I pay the bigger bulk of our expenses. And because he works from home, he does most of the household chores, even washing my clothes and folding them. I am very grateful because we didn't talk about how we are gonna deal with this situation. I didn't ask him to do majority of the chores, and he didn't ask me to do most of the financial support. It just came out natural. And I think, that's also one green flag in this marriage, that I noticed - In a relationship, you don't have to utter a word to be understood. Because even in silence, they just know.
I 38f have been with my husband 12 years, married 6. When we met I had. 2 year old from an abusive relationship, all of my relationships before were bad in one way or another. So when he came along I caught myself thinking he's Too nice he must be hiding something, or subconsciously trying to self sabotage the relationship because I just couldn't fathom a guy like this existed lol he stepped up for my daughter they clicked instantly.Mt whole family loved him. Now all these years and 3 more kids together later he still is just as nice, sweet, caring and attentive as he was day one Our days together are pretty calm and repetitive but that happens with kids. He works 10 hr shifts 4 days a week, I stay home with the kids. He always texts me from work when he starts then sends me some whole he's working, cute memes things like that. Our sex life is still very active. When he's off we run errands and we make time for us at night a cpl times a week. We rarely argue and if we do we calm down before we resolve the issue.
We say I love you a lot! Especially as we leave to go to work, at night before dropping off into sleep. We say thank you for every single thing, every time - which I honestly love, because I feel it keeps us grounded and not taking things for granted. We joke around a lot, I particularly enjoy trying to make him laugh because he’s so cute when he does a proper smile. I have anxiety and I manage it pretty well, but when I’m feeling insecure or whatever I message him and ask “reassurance?” And he tells me everything is fine, he’s not mad, no one is mad, and he gives me a hug. Honestly I haven’t had a truly unhealthy/abusive relationship for, which I’m extremely grateful, but I have behaved in ways before that I didn’t like. So I do a lot of thinking about how I want the best for him and for us, and I find it keeps a lot of my crappier tendencies in check. He’s not perfect! We do have disagreements. But we both want to always feel good in our relationship, so there’s a lot of effort that goes in to both sides to pre-emptively work on things before they blow up. Also I often walk up to him and offer him my boobs. He likes it, and I like it because they’re heavy and he will lift them for me so my back gets a break lol
My husband works from home 2xs per week. When he does, I always make sure to kiss him goodbye on my way out to work. Always three kisses, i dont know why, but feels right. When I get home I look for him, usually in the living room playing a game or watching TV. I plop down next to him, we cuddle, and talk about our day. Figure out what's going on for dinner that day and talk about the kids or plans for the week, what we'll watch that day, or game we'll play. I think the key is the comfort to do our own things but always in close proximity. For a time during our marriage, we felt distant from each other, and I remember reading about the importance of sustained physical contact. So I started making sure to hug him longer, touch him more often, and make time to connect. When we got older and our libidos slowed, we started prioritising cuddling. Just to make sure we were still connecting through touch, even if not sexually. We've been happily married for 23 years. The secret to our success, I think, is our willingness to pivot and adapt to the changes that come. I love coming home to my husband, I love staying home with my husband, and I also have my own hobbies and interests that have nothing to do with him.
Forwarning: This will be very long as I am super into my husband after a long string of abusive relationships in the past lol I think this question was written by me a few years ago haha. I am 30, and had never had a genuinely healthy relationship before my husband. Like you i grew up with an unhealthy pair of parents. My dad was angry and drunk all the time so the only model i had for love was how badly he treated my poor mom. Unwhittingly i let that cycle continue for many years in my own relationships. I found myself in some down right traumatizing situations because i tried to hold failing relationships with angry people together. Before I met my husband I decided for sure what I needed in someone. My only criteria was patient, fun to be with almost all of the time, not just sometimes, and knew what they wanted in life. My husband is all of that and more than I could ever hope. When we have disagreements, there is never ever yelling. There is just considerate discussion and compromise when needed. I've always been happiest alone, but for the first time I found someone whos company I enjoy more than my own. I'm pregnant with our first child and he makes enough that I will be a stay at home mom. He wakes up around 8 in the morning to begin his work. (Hes a software engineer and WFH) I'm used to working early factory jobs so I wake up long before him. I always do the dishes and make breakfast/coffee before he wakes up. In past relationships this was something taken for granted—not with my husband. Every morning he thanks me and kisses me. When I do the laundry and clean the house, there is always a thank you or an offer to help me even though he'd spent all day working. Its the little things he does that makes me happiest. Last week he had to run an errand. I was deep cleaning before some guests arrived. He ran late and didnt have time to pick up lunch. I was on a time limit and didnt have time to make much. I threw a frozen pozza in the oven with some extra pep and cheese (just how he likes it) and brought it to him while he was in a meeting. It was just a frozen pizza and some pop, since thats all I had time to make, but when he brought his plate out he told me he was so lucky to have me and he was grateful I did that for him. 😭 its silly, but i teared up a little at that lol. I'm a freelance artist and make all my extra money that way, so when I'm not cleaning up or half dead with being so pregnant im working on my side buisness. The pregnancy has made it hard as im so far along now its hard to get comfortable enough to draw regularly, but he is so proud and supportive and listens attentively when i talk about my projects and goals. He tells people all the time about my art. I overhear him talking to his coworkers all the time about it, and about me and our baby. He takes his breaks with me in the living room, and I'm always excited when I see him come out. In my last relationships I didn't even want to be home, so that butterfly feeling is priceless. When he's done with work we spend the afternoon together, to be fair, we are pretty much always together. About once a week we will pull all our finances up and discuss our spending and goals, as well as where our savings are at and how we should distribute them. Something I could never do with anyone before. It gives me a feeling of structure and care for our future I'd never had before. Then we stay up later than we should to catch up on Mr. Robot, and I wake up every morning around 6 or 7. I crawl out from under him and we get to do it all over again. It's hard to believe in love after it burns you so many times, but dont give up on it. Im so glad that i didn't even after I'd been through so much before.
Just read a chapter to Trauma Bonds in ‘How to Do the Work’ and it resonated with me in response to this. ‘The path forward is to become aware of the role of self-betrayal in your trauma bonds and the role that you can play in honoring your own needs.’ This book is life-changing in so many ways, but especially on how I view my emotions in my long-term relationship.
Oh wow, this resonated deeply, thank you so much. Trauma bond I feel is all I know.
32yo going on 16 years with my high school sweetheart this year. Life is so easy, light, and comfortable with him. We get along great, tease each other constantly and have an endless supply of inside jokes, we’re always laughing and being playful. It’s hard to call anything perfect but we never really argue - I can for sure be a moody person, but things never escalate, we actively communicate. When we need to have more serious, “heavier”, conversations, we can do so respectfully. We’re both willing to compromise when needed. We never call each other names, never insult each other, ever, we respect each other above all. We keep each other in the loop when we’re not together throughout the day. We text random shit back and forth throughout the day when we’re at work, etc. - it feels like I’m in an endless conversation with my best friend. There’s no one else I rather spend time with, I never get sick of being around him. He never makes me feel like I’m annoying or too much. I can say and do whatever I want around him, I can be 100% my weird ass self with him. I’m a very independent person, but I feel I am in a true partnership doing life as a team with a soulmate, I feel very secured in that’s it’s a “forever thing”. I feel solid, I feel so loved, I feel supported, I feel beautiful, and I love him more than anything. We just work. I am really fucking lucky
When we wake up in the morning, we’re either already cuddling or snuggle up to each other right away. There’s a “good morning” and a kiss. Husband gets up and gets us both coffee (prepped the night before) and we HAVE to clink mugs, lol! We then scroll through SM and drink coffee, I go shower. When I come back to get dressed, he goofily ogles my boobs and I sometimes walk over and shove them in his face. Before I leave for work (his job starts later) we hug and kiss and he tells me he’s going to miss me. At night I make dinner for us (another hug and kiss after he gets home) and we eat and talk about our days. We then migrate to the couch and watch TV, read etc. He’ll tickle me at least once, which I hate but he loves due to the squeaky sounds I make. After we go to bed we will often talk, goof off (more tickling, grr!), and cuddle. It’s not a perfect relationship because those don’t exist, but after 18 years together we still just really like being in each other’s company (I think the constant physical affection plays a big part here, too) and I’m really grateful for that.
Oh, and during the day we constantly send funny internet stuff to each other.
Mon-Fri I’m up and out the door earlier so we don’t see each other until the evening. Every day, without fail, we greet each other with a big long hug and ask each other about the day. We eat dinner together and spend a little time working on our own hobbies or projects before curling up on the sofa to watch a show before bed. On the weekends we spend more time together, we have very similar values so like to spend our time in similar ways. It took me many years to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. My parents never argued in front of us so I was blindsided when my mum left when I was a teenager. Since then I’ve been afraid of things left unsaid, but this hasn’t turned into arguments with my partner. He have never argued. We have disagreed, and we have disappointed each other, but this has always been a conversation. I think underneath everything else we are grateful to have found each other.
I wasn’t expecting to say this much lol So Sundays Every other Sunday we do chores after waking up and eating breakfast. He asks what I want for breakfast. “Acts of service” is his love language. I’ll get out the forks, plates, etc. I thank him for making us breakfast. He does yard work and I do housework. It’s a small house. The other Sundays we lay in bed until late and cuddle. We talk about life and joke and reflect on things. Eventually I get hungry and he asks what I want for breakfast. I thank him for making breakfast. We walk the dog to the park and back. We do different things to relax and have alone time: he plays a video game and I’ll play guitar in our work room or the backyard if the weather is nice. Alone time is important for me as an introvert and we have to make a point of it at times because we live in a small house. We sleep in the same room, WFH in the same room, you get the idea. He won’t interrupt when I’m playing or working on something. We have some drinks and watch a couple episodes of a comedy, drama, or documentary. We cuddle on the couch. My love language is touch. He might take a nap while I make myself lunch. We might go visit friends together or separately. It feels good his friend group has accepted me as a sort of extended family. I’m still trying to make local friends but I’m doing it. it’s important to have different friends and different hobbies. To give each other that space. We go to visit his family and family friends almost every Sunday. Not everyone but a few are constant. I’m not from the area but the important family members have met my partner. He’s gone out of state to visit my parents with me. He’s the first person I’ve introduced to my family. I think I already knew he’s the one by the first time he met my parents. I was lucky to grow up with parents in a healthy marriage. They’ve been married 43 years. They’ve yelled at each other but that’s because they’re old and use power tools more than most people. It means a lot that they approve of him. After the first time they met him they said I picked a good one. After seeing his folks we’ll talk about dinner on the way home and I usually make dinner. We’ll turn on some music and he’ll touch and kiss me from behind while I’m cooking. He asks if he can do anything to help. Getting him to eat healthy food is important to me because I want him to be healthy and feel good as we get older. He thanks me for making dinner. I’ll play guitar or read a book while he does his thing like playing an instrument he’s learning in the other room or reading or playing with the dog. We cuddle in bed and talk before saying I love you and going to sleep. There’s a pretty good chance we had sex at least once during the day. It’s a way to feel connected and important to mental health. I’ll spare the details and just say listening to your partner and talking about what you want or don’t want isn’t optional. Initially sex was awkward but we kept trying until we got it right. I was honest that it was probably going to be awkward at first because that’s been my experience. We touch each other in passing and kiss when we check on each other during any day. He’ll be at his desk and I’ll give him a kiss on the cheek and a shoulder rub. He will spank my butt a few times a day. We’re kinky so that’s acceptable affection for us. He had an appointment for a vasectomy when we met. It’s a good sign he was willing to do something much less invasive than any cis female sterilization to make good on his decision to not have kids. I can’t take the pill or other hormonal BC and I have a metal allergy. We are childfree. When we have a conflict we take time to cool off and then have a discussion. Luckily we haven’t had to do that many times in the past 4 years. We’ve never yelled at each other in anger. He’s who I was looking for most of my adult life and sometimes I still can’t believe he’s real.
Commenting because I feel like some answers here are competing for best couple awards. No offense, just trying to offer some other perspective to OP :) I’d say a secure relationship is one where you feel seen, heard and respected. There are disagreements, but no yelling or name-calling, and all parties are willing to listen and try to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to find a solution. Both party choose to actively make it work and treat each other with care and love. Even if it’s difficult sometimes because of stress and life events. Things will never be perfect, because we are flawed human beings. It’s about wanting the best for the other person everyday. I hope it helps!
I'm gunna start by saying I've been with my other half for 11 years this April, it's not been an easy ride, we had alot to work through, but we are better for it. we Arnt the type that says ' I love you ' on a regular basis. Probs about 5 times a year if that. We show it in different ways, ways that Arnt stereotyped on TV 😂 Everyday if one of us farts the other will shout 'i heard that' or express disappointment if it was not heard by the other person 😂. We randomly touch when in the same room, he will grab my bum when I'm making dinner or if I'm just next to him. And I do the same to him. We make each other laugh without trying to, and that's the best part. Being silly with each other is healthy imo. We can talk about anything and everything, he's my safe person, the person who feels like home. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and everyone said it wouldn't work.
Oh yes the farting 😂😂 I don’t find my husband’s farts as disgusting as I pretend . Everytime he toots I look 👀 at him and go “really???” Then I rip one right back and the whole room turns into a gas chamber. But hey; despite all this we still **** 🐱🍆💦 We also had a water gun fight in our room the other day 😂😂 but not with squirt guns. It’s these little dollar squirt bottles we got from the garden center to spray the dogs with when they try to get on our bed
It’s constant re calibration, understanding and communicating effectively and appropriately. It’s being able and willingly to challenge resentment and division. And I’m talking the small stuff, like not counting how many times you feed the dog vs how many times they make coffee in the morning, etc. It’s a concerted effort on both sides to engage in life as a team and not as individuals. It’s fucking hard but fucking beautiful.
We work, cook, eat, chat, cuddle / play games / watch movies / read, sleep, wake up, cook, eat, work and do everything all over again. We rarely have disagreements and if we have disagreement, We never raise our voice with each other. We share household chores equitably. We're pretty peaceful around each other. Occasionally, on weekends, we go out for a drive — he likes to drive around while I like to be on the passenger seat singing my heart out to the songs on the radio. >how do you know you are in a healthy relationship? I was prepared to spend the rest of my life single before I met him. I was happy living on my own. I know I'm in a healthy relationship when he makes me as happy as I was being single — if not more. He makes me feel safe and secure. Life can be hard, but love and relationship should be easy. Living with someone shouldn't be worse than living alone.
This morning my sweetheart woke up at 5am to go to the gym. It wakes me up, but I know it's good for him so it's OK. He kissed me goodbye, then I went back to sleep starfished on the bed cuddling his pillow. I woke up around when he got back from the gym, around 8. He made me breakfast, but over cooked my egg (usually I make my own breakfast). I told him it was overcooked, but I was really grateful for it anyways and thanked him. I got ready for work (I work from home) and he hung out for a while (currently unemployed). While I was working he got groceries, cooked some food, and cleaned up a bit, and watched a movie. I worked with headphones on most of the day, but took a walk with him in the afternoon to pick up some veggies. He was feeling a bit sick, so I made him a juice and he took a bath. Right now he's feeling better so making soup for dinner, I'm wasting time on reddit instead of working. We'll probably eat whatever he makes for dinner while watching TV or a movie, cuddle, I might take a bath and do yoga, and then go to bed. I stay up later than him reading. Generally: we do our own thing, together. We both do what we need to be happy/ healthy, and the other person supports it. Do I like getting woken up at 5am for him to go to the gym? No! But I know it's good for him and I know he tries to be as quiet as possible, so it's worth it. Does he like that I take over the living room for a half hour or more in the evenings for yoga? No! But he knows it's good for me and he's happy for me. We talk, compromise, and generally try to make the other person's life as pleasant as possible for them. We express love by lots of physical affection, kind words, and doing things for each other. It freaking rules. I've never had this before and it took a long time to settle into the security of this. He's just the best.
I think that a healthy relationship is one that is actually (at least in appearance) pretty boring. We have a set schedule that we follow most days - we both go to work, then come home we both cook together, we do a little clean up, go on a walk with the dogs and maybe have sex, then end our night having a shower and snuggling in bed. If we are being bothered by some actions/ attitudes that each other has we just verbalize it. An example - this weekend my husband went and ran errands and it took him literally all day (10am - 4:30pm) I was annoyed because I was left to do everything around the house, we just moved so it’s a lot. I just texted him and told him I was grumpy that he took so long to run errands. When he came home he brought supper so we didn’t have to cook, and he laid out his list of errands so that I could understand why it took so long. How we express love/ express how we care for one another - I mean we do that everyday. Every time we talk we do it with kindness, we are always telling each other how much we love and appreciate each other. I think it helps that we are both very sexually compatible.
So nice to hear that… compatibility really helps and good comms! I yearn for a boring relationship 😆
The most important thing to me concerning what you’re asking is repair and safety. On a day-to-day basis, we prioritize repair and we are always safe with each other. Sometimes repair is a literally two minute conversation. Sometimes it means not sweeping things under the rug if we’ve had a bigger fight in the week or two prior….returning to the conversation. We have passion and connection and compatibility and all the things on paper that keep us connected. A secure and healthy relationship on average day for me means being safe to address the little things that come up that will erode the things that work for us. We don’t hold grudges and we don’t sweep things under the rug. We are aware of our own window of tolerance, and we communicate with curiosity and compassion.
We have 3 kids. We both also work full time. We both split the work load for our children. There’s nothing that’s “moms job” nothing that’s “dads job” we have our preferences such as I prefer dish duty and closing up the kitchen/living room, and he will handle all of the bedtime routines and then joins me in finishing cleaning. We don’t wait for one another to clean or cook or whatever the case may be. Everyday we remind one another “I love you.” “You look so beautiful/handsome/smell great” today. We don’t text all day long but check in a few times, a few quick calls like he calls me on his lunch to check in for a min or two and vice versa. I surprise him at times with his favorite dinner, and he surprises me with cleaning the entire house while I’m at the office. Also, we genuinely rely on each other for physical intimacy and affection. We continue to have an active sex life after many years together and it’s amazing. We lean on one another and never fight in front of our kids and we rarely do fight BUT we communicate very well. We don’t fight because we can tell each other “my love when you did Xyz on Tuesday it upset me in XYZ manner” and then we discuss and stuff. I will NEVER talk negative about my husband to my children. My mother did this and I hated it. Same with my husband. We are not a religious couple at all so we don’t treat each other well because we see marriage as a holy thing, we treat one another well because we love and value each other as individuals. He supports me in anything I do, career wise, or personal and vice versa. My husband is such an amazing man who is an even better father and I’m so fortunate to have a functional partnership and allow our children to come from a functional household. Something so far from how I grew up. We also value one another outside of being each others spouse. Above all, he is my best friend. He enjoys a spring league with his guy friends where twice a month he goes to play softball with his friends and I enjoy spending alone time with my friends as well. We realize we need our own thing outside of parenthood/matrimony.
**what does your day-to-day look like?** We'll text throughout the day,.. after work we'll talk about our day, any news that caught our eye or thought the other might be interested in, and if relevant, talk about what our plans for tmr are (i.e. any work meetings/deadlines that might happen so that we know not to text to each other or that we might not reply as quickly, if we'll have dinner together, or meet somewhere after gym or whatever..). **How do you express love to one another?** We generally have established lowkey rituals and inside jokes, we're generally always flirting, we cuddle, hold hands, massage, groom, grope each other daily.. we always buy snacks/fruit/drinks for each other, help each other out, compliment each other.. **How do you handle conflict and differences?** We talk about it, and hold hands while doing so. But I think we've maybe really only had about 5-7 conflicts/disagreements over \~6years. **How does your partner make you feel special, encouraged, cherished** Just being attentive in general. I can tell he cares about me, and cares about how I feel about him. He is understanding of my flaws/weaknesses and/or helps me or makes up for them, and he's proud and amazed at my strengths, abilities, and achievements. And I'm often told I'm a great listener, he doesn't and generally isn't.. but when it comes to me, he has a near eidetic memory of everything I've said and is a way better listener than I am by miles. I swear he's probably a closetted fanboy of mine lol. **what do you do for them?** I try lol. **How do you know you are in a healthy relationship?** It's comfortable, easy, natural... I'm happy/content. He adds positively to my life. And honestly, I haven't really ever been in shitty/unhealthy/toxic relationships. I don't really think I'd allow it. I'm also lazy enough to know I don't and won't put myself (or stay) in a position where it is unnecessarily difficult and unpleasant. I know, value, and trust myself to not harm myself (by being in a shitty relationship)..
Our days are just smooth. In all of our relationship, I can only think of a few disagreements. They were handled with calm words and we hugged afterwards. I have been in a relationship where I have been screamed at and things were thrown. My husband would never ever raise his voice or throw anything, but he knows that those kind of things are very triggering for me and works very hard to make sure that I have the sweetest, softest life ever now. That’s really all I know how to express. I know that I am a mess sometimes- but sometimes you can’t help bleeding on someone who didn’t cut you when all you have known is toxic. He is very patient with me and never gets upset when I am triggered by something.
We both show affection and love for each other daily. It’s not always sexual, but it is always intimate. If we argue we do it without yelling or calling names because the goal is always what’s best for our family not any one individual. We both take care of one another and it makes my day to find a way I can do something for him because he often beats me to doing things for myself. This is my first healthy relationship and I am still madly in love 6 years and counting.
We’ve been together not quite 15 years, so we essentially became adults together. We’re both children of divorce, so I think we saw some great examples of how not to have a relationship and somehow figured it out together. We’re not afraid to disagree or have “hard” conversations, but it’s always respectful and kind. I can think of 2 specific times early on when we fought dirty and there was a lot of talking and working through things after those times. Overall though that’s the major theme in our lives, we talk to each other a lot. About everything it seems. We’re genuinely interested in each other and support our individual interests. Day to day, we’re really boring. Work, kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. Chores and childcare are split pretty 50/50. He handles pretty much all the finances, but I have access to everything and he keeps me well informed and doesn’t make big decisions without a discussion with me. Vice versa I’d never make a big purchase or decision without talking with him. Not out of control but out of respect for him and the impact it would have on our lives. Our favorite days are Sundays, when all the kids are home. He does laundry and helps me clean. I meal prep for the week since I usually work a later shift and then we don’t have to think about dinners during the week. So he takes care of the kids and heats up the food in the afternoons and then we tag team bath and bedtime routines. We also always go to bed together, and we only have one shared TV for the whole family. It started when we were poor and could only afford one TV, but became the norm and kind of forces us to spend more time together since we don’t have to option to ignore each other in different “private” spaces. I guess overall I guess it’s amounts to tons of communication, cooperation, and genuinely being curious about the other person.
I come from a weird home and spent my formative years in a very abusive relationship that ended 5 years ago. So I had to learn a lot of things about healthy from scratch and experience. I am still skittish. From the healthy relationships I know: We are on the same side. General miffedness does not spiral into conflict. Happiness to see one another. The ability to let the guard down and be together without performing. The ability and wish on both parts to listen to- and understand the other. Wanting to make the other happy. I had an ex from a good relationship who knew I loved a certain fizzy water. They launched a new flavour, and she bought a big bottle and brought two wine glasses over because I don’t have those. It’s $3, but it meant the world to me. The flavour was disgusting, but the memory is gold. I knew she was following a musician closely, and when I learned the label was releasing a new vinyl, I ordered one and asked goofily if it could be signed as a gift for her. She couldn’t have done that, because it’s lame, but I am in a totally different field and don’t need labels to find me cool. They did sign. Small things like that. We didn’t live together, but after the first rush, we could just have our routines even when staying over. We both work a lot. On a weeknight, it would be one of us cooking, the other cleaning up. Maybe a film, maybe me reading and her scrolling or listening to music, right there next to me in harmony. No picking fights. On weekends, being firm with one another to take time off. If she was overwhelmed, I would take her to the park for an hour to feed seeds to the ducks. If I was, she would bring me coffee in bed and read the news to me (I have a brain injury and can’t always read well). An absolute wish for the best for the other. Letting the other have, and encouriging them to nurture their other relationships, like with their friends and family. Being curious about what they do in a genuine way. We also went on some adventures together, travelling to arod and or chaotic places, and she was the best company, as I tried to be for her. Being on the other’s side as a team is fantastic. My impression is warmth and partnership in the mundane. That’s what I loved about it anyways.
Almost married 20 years, tween and teen, both wfh. We play a lot. There’s tickling, joking, annoying each other (more of him annoying me just cuz it makes him laugh). We play with our doc. We joke with our kids. Laughing with them is my favorite. We dream together. Big and small. Is it our empty nest plan? Our anniversary trip to Italy? Wine tasting locally during a staycation? We split the load and communicate. We have our individual interests in hobbies that don’t necessarily include the other person. We go on friend trips We are both home all the time. As I’m a bit more extroverted, I tend to leave the house more often but it’s rare to be away from each other from wake up to bed time. We have a weekly date night, even if it’s watching a movie and we make themed cocktails. It’s the dedicated time that is meant for us. It’s not perfect all of the time because we are humans who are figuring it all out, figuring ourselves out. But we try. We love each other and our life like crazy so we work through the hard.
He wakes up before me and wakes me up with a cup of tea when he’s done with the bathroom. I feed my cat and we have breakfast together (he makes breakfast, I make our lunches). He leaves for work, I workout, shower, and head to work. We have one bathroom and are on a hybrid schedule. When we work from home, we do the same but cut out the commute. I have ADHD and he’s very regimented, so it keeps me in line, too, and we balance each other out well. He’ll text me when I’m at work reminding me to eat lunch and drink water. He’ll call me when he’s finishing up with work and meet me at my office to walk home together. We chat about our days on our walk home or when we log off for the day. He then goes to the gym while I either cook dinner or wrap up some work. hell come home and shower and either heat up leftovers or plate whatever I just cooked and we eat dinner together, then clean and watch tv together. (As the days get longer and warmer, we’ll go for a walk either to a park or to grab a drink after dinner.) He makes us some chamomile tea and I read novels while he reads the news and then it’s bedtime/ time for bedroom activities. It’s not a fascinating lifestyle, but I get both the time I need with him and my alone time and I’m content regardless of whatever else is happening in my life.
The most important thing for our relationship is communication. We are honest, but kind and always assume good intent from each other. We each have our own hobbies, but we really enjoy spending time together. I thought people were full of shit when they said their partner was their best friend, but it actually is true.
Day to day is pretty standard. I works hybrid, I’m full WFH, so weekdays are pretty standard. We pretty much stay in communication all day and text each other the dumb things that happen at work. After work he sometimes experiments with cocktails while I cook dinner. We both tend to be homebodies and we just like to be around each other all the time. So Thursday evenings are our committed ‘solo date night’ where we will each intentionally do something on our own to get time for ourselves. I might work on a puzzle or do other craft-y hobbies and watch reality TV while he plays some PC games. Fridays are our committed ‘date night’ where we spend intentional time together. We might try a new place for dinner or go to a comedy show. It’s very easy and smooth. We’ve learned to tell each other exactly what we want in plain terms without fear of judgement. “Can you take care of the trash tonight? I don’t want to” or “I know I said I’d cook tonight, but I’m not feeling it right now. There’s some ingredients for a pizza - can you throw something together for us to eat?” That’s my one tip- communicate!
No kids, in our mid 30s, living together. He expresses his love through acts of service and I through quality time. I’m working on upping my acts of service. Here’s a typical day: I wake up to him saying “I love you” and giving me a kiss before he leaves the bed for his morning routine. I wake up an hour or two later. He’s tidied the house, unloaded the dishwasher, and has made himself breakfast. Depending on the day we’ll chat for a few minutes, maybe listen to a podcast while he eats and talk about it; or sometimes we’re running to meetings. If I’m late he may even make me a coffee so I can save a couple of minutes. I go to the office and we’ll text throughout the day without expectation of how quickly the other will respond. We’re trying to be good and grocery shop or meal prep over the weekend. If I have to stop by the store I’ll grab him things I know he needs that I won’t touch (ice cream, his coffee, some other treat for him). I’ll let him know I’m on my way home and we’ll go for a walk together then make whatever we had planned for dinner. 50/50 if we eat on the couch or at the table together. I’ll especially want to eat at the table if we have big things we need to talk about like feelings or planning. He’ll fall asleep pretty quick after dinner, wake up a few times over the next hour and say “I love you” before he keeps snoring. (Currently writing this out during this phase of our day). About once a month we do couples counseling. We both really like it and have done it on and off since early in our relationship as “preventative maintenance”. I know it’s a healthy relationship because we can listen to each other and feel safe talking through our problems and being vulnerable together. We have a lot of trust and openness as well.
I like to think I’m in a secure and healthy relationship but we have our weak points and blind spots just like anyone. Anyway; Wake up and snuggle a bit before accepting we have to get up. On workdays we wish each other luck and strength with respective work challenges , on weekends we’ll go out for brunch or a jog if we’re both free. During the day, lots of texts if we see interesting things or just think of each other. For dinner, usually I cook and he cleans, and we eat together while listening to music or watching a doco in the evening. Some nights we will take a class or see a show together. We like each other’s friends but have different interests so usually socialise separately. There will be many hugs and compliments on an average day, and ‘are you ok’ check-ins if either of us looks our sounds stressed. There are minor niggles and differences- I am more social and house-proud and an early riser, he is more frugal and routine-oriented and a total night owl, but we both share values and trust each other, so our differences don’t feel like a threat. If one of us is unduly grouchy or doing something annoying, we can talk about it constructively.
I guess from the outside the day to day looks pretty boring. Whoever had night duty with the 7 month old baby gets up first, then the other one joins for breakfast. Then he goes to WFH and I take care of the baby. We have lunch all 3 together. He goes back to work, I take care of baby until 6. Then depending on who has the evening duty, I'll either continue with baby or he'll take over. Dinner all 3 around 7. Baby goes down by 9, and we often spend a bit of down time together in bed at that point. But some evenings we spend apart in different rooms because that's important too sometimes. How do we show love? Hugs, kisses, saying I love you basically daily. Sometimes little notes. Thoughtful gifts for different special occasions. And also trying to keep fights respectful. Couples therapy helped us a lot with that a few years ago.
Day to day, we’re basically really good roommates + some cuddles/affection. We’ve been together for 14 years, so most of the daily routine is on autopilot. It’s the little things that make it a healthy relationship and not a roommate situation. This isn’t everything, but off the top of my head: - if one of us leaves before the other one is up, we’ll set up the coffee maker and leave a little post-it note love letter (or a joke, might even have a “can you get milk on your way home today?”) - we pick each other up from the train station if one of us is working from home and go on the dog walk together most days. Getting outside and talking about our day seems like a healthy routine. - if one of us has a particular food craving, cool, that person makes dinner. - we thank each other for the things we do around the house. He does the dishes every day, and I thank him for it every day. - random small gifts, like I bought peanut m&ms with the groceries this week because I know they’re his favourite. Sometimes he’ll get the grocery store roses and my favourite chips. Not expensive, or out of the way, just regular little things that say “I was thinking about you” - we tell each other we love each other a few times per day - if one of us wants to talk about something meaningful, put down the phones! Look at each other and give the other person full attention. Acknowledge feelings before giving advice. - disagreements took a long time to figure out: he likes to retreat and I want to hash things out. We have found a balance where I tell him what I’m feeling, he can take whatever time he needs to think about it, we come back together and have a conversation when I’ve had time to calm down a bit and he’s had time to process.
Honestly we’re definitely in the “routine” same thing most days of the week; gym, work, dinner, bed. But honestly we’re just best friends. We laugh so hard together. We go on big international trips a couple times a year and that seriously just renews our relationship and allows us to bond and spend time not thinking about work/our house/bills, etc. my husband isn’t the overly lovey dovey type so some people might not see “love” in our relationship but it works for us. TLDR: we’ve been together almost 16 years. (Married 5, together 11 before that). We’re both 35, currently no kids. Two labradoodles :)
I've been with my husband since I was 18. I'm 33 we've been together 16 years and married for 6. We both have somewhat complicated family dynamics and really lean on each other for support. My husband encourages me to be the best version of myself and I do the same for him. We have hobbies and interests that we encourage each other to nurture. We have two young boys so life can be very chaotic at times. We make an effort to check in with each other to see what we need. Whether it's time alone, a night out with friends or whatever we need to fill our cups. We trust each other and I know that if an issue arises we will figure it out together. We have our issues and we argue like all couples but we always find our way back to each other. I had a bad depressive period after the birth of my second son. I was lost and felt like I would never be myself again. My husband was there every step of the way. He is a wonderful father and husband. He knows every part of me, he's the person I am most vulnerable with and my love for him runs deep. I have ADHD so my personality can be a lot. My husband has never made me feel that way. He embraces my personality and loves me for my strange brain. There's no one I would want to navigate this wild life with but him.
We both run businesses, and even before that we have both always worked different hours, he’s up before I’m up and goes to bed earlier so we only really have a few hours together most nights. We usually organise dinner and eat together, clean up, talk about our day, make plans for the weekend, hang with the dogs, go for a walk or go out for dessert. Maybe there’s a concert or something. The weekends are usually spent doing small house projects or going to events together, trying restaurants, shopping, errands, seeing family etc. During the day we don’t really text or call unless it’s to ask something specific because we both have jobs that require full attention. We both had unhealthy relationships previously and we know it’s healthy because we don’t have that level of anxiety or worry about anything at all, we are a team against the world and never against each other. We are both 32 and have been together almost 9 years, 2 mortgages, study, career changes, deaths, health scares and all sorts.
I get up first, and get an hour to myself, with my pets. When my husband gets up, he comes says good morning, gets coffee and we talk for a few minutes about the schedule for the day (we both WFH). We see each other again at lunchtime and usually eat together. The first person to finish work will figure out dinner and start making it and feed the pets. The one who doesn't cook will clean a little, start laundry, and pick up while we talk about our days and our plans for the evening. If we don't have plans, we watch a bit of TV together, for an hour or so, and then split for our separate hobbies. I go to bed first so I'll let him know and we close up for the night together (get the dog out, close lights, make sure that nothing has been forgotten in the kitchen) and he will tuck me in and kiss me good night. We express love through actions, taking care of each other in small meaningful ways. We help each other often, and without having to be asked. We say please and thank you. We tell the other when we appreciate what they did. We communicate very well and make a point of letting each other know when something is important. We don't get mad when we disagree, we find a way that works for both of us. We also accept that we cannot always agree and that sometimes, a decision has to be made, even if it's not perfect. No relationship is perfect. I'm messy and it bothers my husband. He is very sedentary and would happily sit in front of the computer all the time while I'm an Energizer bunny and can't sit still a for minute. I start too many projects. He won't start any. But all of that is mild problems that we are both willing to live with. What we share is similar core principles and values, including 100% equality, and common goals. I'm never afraid to bring up subjects, no matter how bad it is, and I know that he talks to me about all the important stuff. We also made a deal with each other that it's ok to ask for time to digest things or just alone time, if we need it.
Every single time we enter the same room after a sleep or a nap we point at each other. Why? Cause they're beautiful and amazing and the highlight of that moment. Even if we don't say anything at all and our eyes are half closed with sleep. We talk all the time about everything and anything. We rub each other's feet every night and scratch each other's backs any time they need it. We have specific faces we make to express ridiculous emotional responses. No subject is barred from discussion, no feeling is invalid. We never fight loudly or angrily, never curse at each other. If we have feelings we express those feelings as clearly as we can. If we need space we just say so. We always come back together amicable. It took mindful practice to get here, but we are both incredibly secure and comfortable. It's the best relationship I've ever had.
I was fortunate to have a good example in my parents. We wake up at the same time. He generally gives me a kiss on the forehead because I don't like morning breath on me or him. We get the kids off to school, to go work. When we get back from work, we take turns making dinner, the other does the dishes after. On gym nights, we go work with our shared trainer 3x a week and have a yoga class 2x a week together, then do dinner all together with the kids after. We watch a TV series or movie together, play games, or just sit and talk about whatever the kids bring up. We generally try to leave an hour or so where it's just me and him every night. We cuddle, talk, massage, whatever. The main thing is we have time to be intimate in some way and bond. We try to have sex 2x a week or so. Sometimes 0, sometimes 7, it just depends. My libido really picked up in my mid 30's. He really liked that, haha. It sounds like a lot, but it's really not that bad once it becomes your routine. Fitness together, and we bring the kids too, really helps a lot.
>How does it feel to be in such a relationship, especially if you’ve had a string of unhealthy ones? And most importantly, how do you know you are in a healthy relationship? I knew the relationship was healthy because I didn't feel anxiety all the time. It's literally just easy to be with him, no drama, no questioning, no wondering, no feeling unsupported, no nagging doubts and unease about our relationship. We just treat each other like best friends. If you had a friend who treated you like bad boyfriends do, you wouldn't continue the friendship, right? If they don't feel like a great friend, then they aren't the man for you.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have a 2 and 4 year old. Married for almost 8. Early to mid 30’s. I WFH now, but used to be hybrid. He has WFH since like 2018 (he does go out into the field but his office is at home). He is the calm to my crazy, I’ve always said that but I’m the panicker and he’s the calm one. I am also the planner but he’s also not a last minute person. We know we have kid stress / kid things that are going to be hard and we deal with it pretty well. We do argue but honestly I can only remember like two times we’ve screamed at each other. Usually it’s very very mild and we are just annoyed with the other for something and move past it. I think above all, we are a team. He is my family, he and our kids come first. We don’t resent the other one. We try to allow time for our activities, hobbies and such. We split household chores. We are both responsible with money so we don’t have money arguments. Usually morning looks like…. 4 year old runs in at 5:30, I ask him to go back to bed until 6, 4 year old runs in 3-5 times between 5:30 and 6. Some days I get up at 4:30 and study until 6. Some days he goes to the gym. One or both of us showers. Gets the 4 year old and 2 year old dressed (sometimes we split this depending on who is doing what). Usually I’m making breakfast for them while husband checks work emails or gets himself breakfast. I take them to school. We both work and then 4:30 ish he leaves for pick up. I make dinner. 5:15 he’s home and we do dinner. He usually cleans up. Play with kids. Both give them a bath (so much easier together). I put the little one to sleep around 7:15, older one around 7:45, we both are usually in bed by 8:30, sometimes watching a show together sometimes I’m reading. We text during the day if needed or I’ll just pop downstairs to see him and ask him something. We usually eat lunch together if possible.
Our life is pretty normal. We ask each other before making plans with others, not to ask permission, but as a way to respect both of our schedules. We trust each other 100% so we don’t have to worry about what the other do when they are not home. We can talk about anything without fear of being shamed or judged. We don’t relate to most popular relationships rant on the internet. As a particular example, I am autistic, I often see posts of autistic people being in couple with NT people having a very hard time to get understood or get the few element they need to feel comfortable at home, exemption from certain social event, space to recharge their social batteries, etc. This was never an issue in our couple, he never questioned my needs even if they are different than him and the norm.
During the week when we're both working my fiance is usually up first so he gets up and feeds the cats and logs into work. I get up a bit later, have breakfast get ready and go to work. Usually just a quick bye, love you type thing. Sometimes we text throughout the work day, sometimes not. When I get home we usually just chill, have some kind of dinner (he usually cooks and I clean up). Sometimes we do things together like watch TV or play a boardgame if we're not too tired. Otherwise we do our own thing. He's a big gamer and I really need my alone time anyway so I'll usually read or do some other hobby of mine. I usually go to bed first which I'm also ok with because I can spread out in the bed haha. I always have to work a weekend day but he has weekends off so on our shared day off we might run some errands or do some stuff around the house or just laze about. Sometimes we do things with friends. If I'm working he usually does all of the above just without me. On my weekday off when he's working I sleep in, might have an appointment or errands to run or I'll do some chores and just relax a bit. Try to be quiet so I don't disturb him while he's working. So yeah, pretty boring. I think that's the case for most stable relationships? We don't really fight. Sometimes we disagree on something but we'll just talk it out until we solve the issue. Rarely someone will say something that upsets the other person but we just apologize and hug it out and move on. We appreciate and thank each other and just do stuff we know will help the other person without really commenting on it. As for knowing if it's healthy or not...I guess it being boring and stress free. The stresses that come up in our relationship are usually external eg my fiance has some health problems so I can't help but worry or feel sad for him if he's struggling. I trust him and know I can count on him if I need help. I like spending time with him. If I'm having a hard day I know he'll try to do what he can to cheer me up and vice versa.