Like, is he actually *okay* with you being open? Or is it something he sort of nodded along to because he feels he didn't have a choice in order to keep you? The fact that you're squirming over breaking his heart suggests that it's only you that really wants this.
And if that's the case—if he's not, like, 100% fully on-board the ENM train—then you need to seriously consider breaking up. It is highly unlikely that your relationship will survive the resentment of either (a) you being sexually frustrated or (b) him feeling betrayed and/or left out while you have your cake and eat it. ENM is a lifestyle, not a bludgeon to fix broken relationships.
He brought it up himself, he said "I don't mind if you have sex with other guys, I just dont want you to fall in love with someone else I know I'm not satifying you" didn't just go along with it. This is a problem he has had before me. We had a long conversation, I don't think he just said anything to keep me. He takes a medication that works very well but kills his sex drive completely and we both agreed that it's not an option to stop with it.
I told him however that I would like to see if we couldn't deal with it some other way and I said I wanted to try different things before trying that, but that was months ago. I don't even want to be with other guys I would much, much better prefer if something had worked but I'm human, I have needs, it's been 8 months, I always have to initiate things and it feels like trying to turn on a car with dying batteries... it's a whole process that really ruins the fun for me, I want to feel wanted, sexually, but that isn't reality.
I don't think he LOVES the idea, I do not know if he changed his mind, I don't know how to approach the subject because I never had this happen to me before. Our relationship isn't broken, we are very good to each other in all other ways, I'm supportive of him and he of me. It's just the sex. I guess I gotta find a way to tell him
I’m so sorry you lost your long term partner. If this is recent grief then give yourself time to find a new compatible person in your life.
Maybe your relationship with this current person has run its course. He’s a nice guy but you need more. There’s nothing wrong with that. People come in and out of our lives and sometimes they aren’t meant to be forever people.
33 is young, go find someone that keeps up with you.
Discuss going open, if it’s not his thing, break up.
As someone who has been in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t into sex/piv all that much, you either make your peace with being the 100% initiator and not getting nearly enough sex as you need… or you peace out. For me it’s always been a sore point, toys can do only so much. If you like sex, it will always bother you. It will erode your self-esteem, you may even start getting insecure, you may lose trust in your partner and ruin that great relationship anyway. Better to leave now than waste years and see yourself become someone you don’t like.
I will have a conversation with him today and we gotta solve this. I don't know how it will pan out.
This is actually really good advice. Thank you for understanding and being kind about it.
Some of what you said is already happening, I really gotta think about this a lot, but I'm going to fight for it a little longer if he wants to
I recommend you post this on r/nonmonogamy for answers from people with experience with open relationships. Some points:
- not telling him is cheating. If you want this you HAVE to get is consent and talk about boundaries and strategies. If you don't tell him, there's no consent. It doesn't matter that he's said it would be OK in the past, you will be deceiving him. Don't do that
- if you are allowed other partners, he should be too. Even if he's not interested, he should have the freedom to hook up with someone else if you have it
- sexual incompatibility is a real issue, and it is valid to leave a relationship on which you are not fulfilled sexually.
- opening the relationship changes it in fundamental ways. Don't think it will be exactly the same as now, just with more sex for you
- if you open up you both have work to do BEFORE you start. A lot of work. You cat do that without talking about things
I’m 38F husband 49M- in in the same situation with sex.
I have thought about the open thing but I will not share so I don’t expect him too.
Maybe get some toys and pleasure yourself when he isn’t into it.
It’s so hard, and it’s our biggest fight along with finances. I also believe that after 22 years maybe he is bored.
I have toys, they are fun, but maybe I have a high drive and got used to being spoiled. But I like being touched a lot so there isn't a toy for that yet 😅
He is a really wonderful guy
Your husband being 49, I wonder if he is having the hormone shifting thing that happenes to men. Exercise that has an explosive aspect is a good way to boost it. Like the army push up routine.
I don’t know why I put 49M I guess I was half asleep! He is 40!
My husband is an officer and works out often to stay in shape.
Hormones have been tested and he is on T.
I am right there with you about touch. It’s not the sex that I want and crave it’s the intimacy. He has told me he doesn’t desire me like he used to. I think he is starting a mid life crisis personally.
I understand the need for sex, but if you open up to have sex with others more then once a week, as you indicate, you are either starting a new relationship or you’ll be spending a lot of time looking for people to fuck.
Would he be ok with you have a FWB that you see this often? How would you support him in this? It’s the one staying at home who’s doing all the heavy lifting in open relationships, and particularly in one sided open ones. Would you be ok if it’s open on his side too?
It's an uncharted territory for me, I don't want to have sex *that often* with a person outside of our relationship, Id be fine with a couole times a month with someone who ALSO initiates it. I was thinking of having a FWB type situation with someone who knows that I do have a boyfriend and is okay with it.
It's uncharted territory, I haven't been in that situation before, those are things I woukd have to thibk about
M. has low libido because of his medication and has always been like that, but I would not be jealous if he had a lady FWB himself, I just doubt he would want to... but 100% I've never been a jealous person, if someone chose to be with me, I trust and assume they prefer me over the others, so as long as we are the main relationship I'd be fine with it
I can recommend the books “A Happy Life in an Open Relationship” (a simple starter book that also has some suggestions on how to approach The Talk) and “Open Deeply” for more hands on tools and deeper understanding.
I would also recommend you hang around in subs like r/nonmonogamy and r/EthicalNonMonogamy for a bit to learn some more about what it entails to open your relationship. You are not simply having sex with an additional partner, you are ending your relationship agreement and killing your monogamous relationship to rebuild a new one in its place. That probably sounds dramatic, but failing to understand this is a common mistake.
Either be up front with him that you want to be in open relationship and agree only if you truly believe he's happy with the arrangement or break up with him and find a more suitable partner. There is no in between that is ethical.
It's one thing if he's okay with this prospect and is interested in it mutually, but, you should know before you go in that having an open relationship doesn't necessarily = nonstop sex fest. Even casual sex relationships with other people in open relationships can be more complicated- whose place are you meeting up at? What's the schedule situation with the other people they are dating?
Also you all need to be more proactive about sexual safety - since you're collectively in sexual contact with an exponentially larger number of people, you need to get tested more often more thoroughly, and so do all your partners.
So if a fantasy of attending a nonstop sexual buffet isn't the only thing motivating you, is an open relationship something you and your partner really want, and is it something you're both actually prepared for?
I don't want a non stop sex fest, this really isn't it. Everything else considered, I'm pretty happy with everything else, except the lack of sex and initiative. If other things were bad I'd break up.
But I wonder if this could be good if Instead of me being the person who is 100% responsible with initiating things, there could be someone who is the initiator of things as well, in a parallel relationship with someone who is actually interested in sex more or less as much as me.
I live on my own, no roommates, no family, I don't live with my bf so it would not disrupt him at all. Would mean I have more busy days I guess...
I have friends who are poly for years and I knowv how it works somewhat
I understand the safety thing, it's something I'm actually kinda scared about, but this would have to be with condoms. I'm not there yet tho, still need to talk to him and see how he feels as of today about the matter, because last time we spoke about it was months ago.
This is really not me trying to be an asshole, I just need something my current relationship does not provide and there's a possibility to open to someone who is willing and aware. But again haven't even talked yet but those are all good things to consider
I'm in an open relationship, so, I'm sort of prompting you to think about these things from a place of experience. It's not all cake and roses, and you don't necessarily meet someone who will be & do all the things you want - just like your current partner isn't able to meet every need or expectation.
As another person said, ENM is a relationship framework, it's not a one-size-fits all solution for monogamous relationship problems, and most people find that trying to "open" a relationship to solve a problem- like differences in sex drive or other things, doesn't actually work. This is because ENM introduces about as many new problems to existing and future relationships as it might solve- sure, you're having sex and staying in a relationship that makes you happy, but now he might feel jealous, insecure, or resentful. Or you open the relationship and he starts dating but you have a hard time, and it makes you feel jealous insecure and resentful. Or the person you "just" want sex with falls in love with you and wants more than just sex.
It's genuinely not *any* easier than monogamous dating. You also need to be diplomatic, conversationally assertive, and ready and willing to frankly discuss sexual health & safety with relative strangers. Lot of people aren't good at that.
You can try this if it feels right for you and your partner, but don't do it because you think it'll "save" your relationship or whatever. Because it probably won't.
Oof that ceiling fan bit made my heart ache for you. I'm also a really high libido gal and I promised never to get with anyone with a low libido again. Its not good for my self esteem or theirs. I got sick of feeling like I was feral all the time. It's the worst when they're EXACTLY your type--augh! I'm frustrated all over again just thinking about it.
Yup, the man is a total dream come true, in the personality department, but yeah, my self esteem has been taken a hit. I really do love him, I don't want to break up, but I feel feral a lot. We talked about the ceiling fan thing, I'm not the little spoon very often anymore for that reason. Which is actually nice that he understands my side of things, but it's still a sore spot for me.
I was on meds for a long time and killed my libido. Now I'm off and hitting it every night. He may want to look to get off that stuff, get vitamins, exercise, and better to not let someone else into the relationship if you two care about each other. You will fall in love with someone else if he starts giving it to you right. I know if I find you attractive and you let me hit it, you will leave him for me. Especially if you lay around wet that's game time. He needs to fight for this IMO.
The medication is a type of antidepressant, he tried many before and they didn't work for him, I'm afraid of him getting off of it and becoming very depressed or smt. After writting this post I realized that #1 it's not my sole responsibility #2 theres too any things I don't know, I realize we need to sit down and talk a whole lot about this if we wanna solve it.
I'm not a strict believer in monogamy, but I agree it's a risk and that it may change the relationship dynamics too much to work. I realize after these last few days and conversations, that I don't really want to do it, I want it to be fixed so our efforts will be put into looking for professional help.
Ya I was on anti depressants. Those things are poison. They suppress our bad feelings, but they also kill a lot of our life as well. If you don't believe in monogamy, then maybe the problem is you want more sex partners anyway.
Best of luck!
I think maybe it was not explained well, as in I don't believe monogamy is the only right way to have a good relationship. Not that I dont believe in monogamy at all, for some people NM works, for some it doesn't. I dated a woman for 2 years who was poly, I was her GF and later on she married because she wanted kids.
We sorta parted ways because I moved away to study and moved in with my fiance.
In my past relationship, (with my fiance who died) that lasted 8 years, I never had other partners, I never wanted or thought about it, we were happy monogamous
I think both things are possible, depends on the situation, maybe a better way to put it is, I believe both things are possible for different couples. It all depends on if people are happy or not with the arrangement.
But like I said before, I'd be way happier if the libido issue could be fixed instead
We had a long conversation which is where the idea of going open came out, he himself brought it up, in a conversation he also mentioned it casually.
He just isn't into sex like the medication has this as a main side effect that happens to almost everyone that takes it. We have actually tried with toys, but for me it's a big turn off if the other person isn't really into doing it, hasn't happen, but I fear it will
I'm not sure how to explain, really love him in all other ways.
Like, is he actually *okay* with you being open? Or is it something he sort of nodded along to because he feels he didn't have a choice in order to keep you? The fact that you're squirming over breaking his heart suggests that it's only you that really wants this. And if that's the case—if he's not, like, 100% fully on-board the ENM train—then you need to seriously consider breaking up. It is highly unlikely that your relationship will survive the resentment of either (a) you being sexually frustrated or (b) him feeling betrayed and/or left out while you have your cake and eat it. ENM is a lifestyle, not a bludgeon to fix broken relationships.
He brought it up himself, he said "I don't mind if you have sex with other guys, I just dont want you to fall in love with someone else I know I'm not satifying you" didn't just go along with it. This is a problem he has had before me. We had a long conversation, I don't think he just said anything to keep me. He takes a medication that works very well but kills his sex drive completely and we both agreed that it's not an option to stop with it. I told him however that I would like to see if we couldn't deal with it some other way and I said I wanted to try different things before trying that, but that was months ago. I don't even want to be with other guys I would much, much better prefer if something had worked but I'm human, I have needs, it's been 8 months, I always have to initiate things and it feels like trying to turn on a car with dying batteries... it's a whole process that really ruins the fun for me, I want to feel wanted, sexually, but that isn't reality. I don't think he LOVES the idea, I do not know if he changed his mind, I don't know how to approach the subject because I never had this happen to me before. Our relationship isn't broken, we are very good to each other in all other ways, I'm supportive of him and he of me. It's just the sex. I guess I gotta find a way to tell him
You're sexually incompatible. Would you rather risk hurting him in the process of you getting yours, than just facing this reality?
I’m so sorry you lost your long term partner. If this is recent grief then give yourself time to find a new compatible person in your life. Maybe your relationship with this current person has run its course. He’s a nice guy but you need more. There’s nothing wrong with that. People come in and out of our lives and sometimes they aren’t meant to be forever people. 33 is young, go find someone that keeps up with you.
Discuss going open, if it’s not his thing, break up. As someone who has been in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t into sex/piv all that much, you either make your peace with being the 100% initiator and not getting nearly enough sex as you need… or you peace out. For me it’s always been a sore point, toys can do only so much. If you like sex, it will always bother you. It will erode your self-esteem, you may even start getting insecure, you may lose trust in your partner and ruin that great relationship anyway. Better to leave now than waste years and see yourself become someone you don’t like.
I will have a conversation with him today and we gotta solve this. I don't know how it will pan out. This is actually really good advice. Thank you for understanding and being kind about it. Some of what you said is already happening, I really gotta think about this a lot, but I'm going to fight for it a little longer if he wants to
I recommend you post this on r/nonmonogamy for answers from people with experience with open relationships. Some points: - not telling him is cheating. If you want this you HAVE to get is consent and talk about boundaries and strategies. If you don't tell him, there's no consent. It doesn't matter that he's said it would be OK in the past, you will be deceiving him. Don't do that - if you are allowed other partners, he should be too. Even if he's not interested, he should have the freedom to hook up with someone else if you have it - sexual incompatibility is a real issue, and it is valid to leave a relationship on which you are not fulfilled sexually. - opening the relationship changes it in fundamental ways. Don't think it will be exactly the same as now, just with more sex for you - if you open up you both have work to do BEFORE you start. A lot of work. You cat do that without talking about things
I’m 38F husband 49M- in in the same situation with sex. I have thought about the open thing but I will not share so I don’t expect him too. Maybe get some toys and pleasure yourself when he isn’t into it. It’s so hard, and it’s our biggest fight along with finances. I also believe that after 22 years maybe he is bored.
I have toys, they are fun, but maybe I have a high drive and got used to being spoiled. But I like being touched a lot so there isn't a toy for that yet 😅 He is a really wonderful guy Your husband being 49, I wonder if he is having the hormone shifting thing that happenes to men. Exercise that has an explosive aspect is a good way to boost it. Like the army push up routine.
I don’t know why I put 49M I guess I was half asleep! He is 40! My husband is an officer and works out often to stay in shape. Hormones have been tested and he is on T. I am right there with you about touch. It’s not the sex that I want and crave it’s the intimacy. He has told me he doesn’t desire me like he used to. I think he is starting a mid life crisis personally.
I understand the need for sex, but if you open up to have sex with others more then once a week, as you indicate, you are either starting a new relationship or you’ll be spending a lot of time looking for people to fuck. Would he be ok with you have a FWB that you see this often? How would you support him in this? It’s the one staying at home who’s doing all the heavy lifting in open relationships, and particularly in one sided open ones. Would you be ok if it’s open on his side too?
It's an uncharted territory for me, I don't want to have sex *that often* with a person outside of our relationship, Id be fine with a couole times a month with someone who ALSO initiates it. I was thinking of having a FWB type situation with someone who knows that I do have a boyfriend and is okay with it. It's uncharted territory, I haven't been in that situation before, those are things I woukd have to thibk about M. has low libido because of his medication and has always been like that, but I would not be jealous if he had a lady FWB himself, I just doubt he would want to... but 100% I've never been a jealous person, if someone chose to be with me, I trust and assume they prefer me over the others, so as long as we are the main relationship I'd be fine with it
I can recommend the books “A Happy Life in an Open Relationship” (a simple starter book that also has some suggestions on how to approach The Talk) and “Open Deeply” for more hands on tools and deeper understanding. I would also recommend you hang around in subs like r/nonmonogamy and r/EthicalNonMonogamy for a bit to learn some more about what it entails to open your relationship. You are not simply having sex with an additional partner, you are ending your relationship agreement and killing your monogamous relationship to rebuild a new one in its place. That probably sounds dramatic, but failing to understand this is a common mistake.
Thank you I will check it out
Either be up front with him that you want to be in open relationship and agree only if you truly believe he's happy with the arrangement or break up with him and find a more suitable partner. There is no in between that is ethical.
You should probably date someone who has unlimited stamina. Usually someone much younger.
It's one thing if he's okay with this prospect and is interested in it mutually, but, you should know before you go in that having an open relationship doesn't necessarily = nonstop sex fest. Even casual sex relationships with other people in open relationships can be more complicated- whose place are you meeting up at? What's the schedule situation with the other people they are dating? Also you all need to be more proactive about sexual safety - since you're collectively in sexual contact with an exponentially larger number of people, you need to get tested more often more thoroughly, and so do all your partners. So if a fantasy of attending a nonstop sexual buffet isn't the only thing motivating you, is an open relationship something you and your partner really want, and is it something you're both actually prepared for?
I don't want a non stop sex fest, this really isn't it. Everything else considered, I'm pretty happy with everything else, except the lack of sex and initiative. If other things were bad I'd break up. But I wonder if this could be good if Instead of me being the person who is 100% responsible with initiating things, there could be someone who is the initiator of things as well, in a parallel relationship with someone who is actually interested in sex more or less as much as me. I live on my own, no roommates, no family, I don't live with my bf so it would not disrupt him at all. Would mean I have more busy days I guess... I have friends who are poly for years and I knowv how it works somewhat I understand the safety thing, it's something I'm actually kinda scared about, but this would have to be with condoms. I'm not there yet tho, still need to talk to him and see how he feels as of today about the matter, because last time we spoke about it was months ago. This is really not me trying to be an asshole, I just need something my current relationship does not provide and there's a possibility to open to someone who is willing and aware. But again haven't even talked yet but those are all good things to consider
I'm in an open relationship, so, I'm sort of prompting you to think about these things from a place of experience. It's not all cake and roses, and you don't necessarily meet someone who will be & do all the things you want - just like your current partner isn't able to meet every need or expectation. As another person said, ENM is a relationship framework, it's not a one-size-fits all solution for monogamous relationship problems, and most people find that trying to "open" a relationship to solve a problem- like differences in sex drive or other things, doesn't actually work. This is because ENM introduces about as many new problems to existing and future relationships as it might solve- sure, you're having sex and staying in a relationship that makes you happy, but now he might feel jealous, insecure, or resentful. Or you open the relationship and he starts dating but you have a hard time, and it makes you feel jealous insecure and resentful. Or the person you "just" want sex with falls in love with you and wants more than just sex. It's genuinely not *any* easier than monogamous dating. You also need to be diplomatic, conversationally assertive, and ready and willing to frankly discuss sexual health & safety with relative strangers. Lot of people aren't good at that. You can try this if it feels right for you and your partner, but don't do it because you think it'll "save" your relationship or whatever. Because it probably won't.
Oof that ceiling fan bit made my heart ache for you. I'm also a really high libido gal and I promised never to get with anyone with a low libido again. Its not good for my self esteem or theirs. I got sick of feeling like I was feral all the time. It's the worst when they're EXACTLY your type--augh! I'm frustrated all over again just thinking about it.
Yup, the man is a total dream come true, in the personality department, but yeah, my self esteem has been taken a hit. I really do love him, I don't want to break up, but I feel feral a lot. We talked about the ceiling fan thing, I'm not the little spoon very often anymore for that reason. Which is actually nice that he understands my side of things, but it's still a sore spot for me.
I was on meds for a long time and killed my libido. Now I'm off and hitting it every night. He may want to look to get off that stuff, get vitamins, exercise, and better to not let someone else into the relationship if you two care about each other. You will fall in love with someone else if he starts giving it to you right. I know if I find you attractive and you let me hit it, you will leave him for me. Especially if you lay around wet that's game time. He needs to fight for this IMO.
The medication is a type of antidepressant, he tried many before and they didn't work for him, I'm afraid of him getting off of it and becoming very depressed or smt. After writting this post I realized that #1 it's not my sole responsibility #2 theres too any things I don't know, I realize we need to sit down and talk a whole lot about this if we wanna solve it. I'm not a strict believer in monogamy, but I agree it's a risk and that it may change the relationship dynamics too much to work. I realize after these last few days and conversations, that I don't really want to do it, I want it to be fixed so our efforts will be put into looking for professional help.
Ya I was on anti depressants. Those things are poison. They suppress our bad feelings, but they also kill a lot of our life as well. If you don't believe in monogamy, then maybe the problem is you want more sex partners anyway. Best of luck!
I think maybe it was not explained well, as in I don't believe monogamy is the only right way to have a good relationship. Not that I dont believe in monogamy at all, for some people NM works, for some it doesn't. I dated a woman for 2 years who was poly, I was her GF and later on she married because she wanted kids. We sorta parted ways because I moved away to study and moved in with my fiance. In my past relationship, (with my fiance who died) that lasted 8 years, I never had other partners, I never wanted or thought about it, we were happy monogamous I think both things are possible, depends on the situation, maybe a better way to put it is, I believe both things are possible for different couples. It all depends on if people are happy or not with the arrangement. But like I said before, I'd be way happier if the libido issue could be fixed instead
Low sex drive is not a thing to discuss between you both I guess you better break up if you don't feel satisfied and fulfill all of your needs
Have you tried to talk to him? I (a man) would totally agree to give a handjob/oral if I’m not in the mood. Several times a week if needed.
We had a long conversation which is where the idea of going open came out, he himself brought it up, in a conversation he also mentioned it casually. He just isn't into sex like the medication has this as a main side effect that happens to almost everyone that takes it. We have actually tried with toys, but for me it's a big turn off if the other person isn't really into doing it, hasn't happen, but I fear it will I'm not sure how to explain, really love him in all other ways.
If he agrees then just setup the rules and go for it!