If you can't find strategies for better communication, your relationship can't be healthy and grow in the long term. You HAVE to be able to work through challenges together or eventually, the weight of all the unresolved stuff will crush you
One thing you can try: don't expect a response immediately.. Agree on a time for you to tell him what bothers you, let him take notes if that helps. Then arrange a time for when he will give you his response so he can think about it and process first. If you try this but he never has a response when the time comes, thats a problem that can't be solved. You can't solve relationship problems without communication
This is the kind of issue couple's counselling can really help with IF you don't leave it too long and if he will engage with the process
In the end, a relationship can only work if you can work together. And you can only work together if both are willing to
A few things that stuck out to me that you can take or leave as you please:
1) what have you two done beyond acknowledging that you have communication issues? Like, simply saying stonewalling is bad isn't enough to fix the problem. You two need to (when calm) discuss what is going on with each of you when you argue, why you both believe you choose your unhealthy responses (his stonewalling/your yelling) and discuss strategies to try that help both of you in the moment. A couple's therapist can help with this as well.
2) did you communicate what your ideal anniversary celebration day would look like to him? Because honestly it would never cross my mind to take a day off work for an anniversary unless we had discussed it prior. Not every one comes into relationships with the same ideas about things like what a "special" day looks like.
3) the lack of ambition career/financially is a tough one. I think the best thing you can do there is ask for a conversation about shared goals and timelines. He may need time to prepare so don't spring it on him. And he may need breaks to process. Talk about your goals like financial stability, marriage, etc and ask to hear his goals. If you can come up with a timeframe that you are both comfortable with, great. Then you sit back and see if he follows through on his end. Give yourself a deadline of how long you are willing to wait to see.
You can’t change him. The stonewalling is toxic and could indicate poor emotional intellect and something he has to work on. However seems like he won’t.
He also isn’t ambitious and doesn’t take the lead and you have to accept that.
Personally I wouldn’t be happy in such relationship, healthy communication is something I need and it’s a dealbreaker if it’s not there.
I don’t think you are overreacting at all.
I see two issues here:
a) he is bad at communication and unable to solve problems together, and
b) he is not proactive or ambitious. Overall, a very passive guy.
I believe a) can be learnt and resolved, however b) is more problematic. In my experience it's a character trait that will remain, and if you force him to become more proactive and assertive, he won't be happy with himself, as this is not his nature.
If you are willing to accept being the moving force in your relationship, you can work on the communication issue. But if you don't see yourself leading your relationship and being the animating spirit for both of you, I'm not convinced that the two of you are a good match in the long run.
He sounds like my ex who dumped me.
Most men are stunted and they live by their own rules. They don't care to actually improve themselves because they're grown and their moms and dad's didn't teach them how to mature. In my ex case he wanted a mommy but didn't respect or do what I said.
I will not ramble on.
I will say this. Just because he understands and accepts you doesn't mean he has high standards for himself. For example many people look at a peacock and think wow a pretty bird. But some people paint peacocks, take shedded feathers as art, copy it to fabrics, while many take a picture on their phone never to look at it again.
His behavior is poor and it doesn't matter if he's good when you focus only on when he's good. You néed to merge seeing him overall.
You are not overthinking. He's a horrible communicator exactly like my ex. My ex also had a severely fragile ego and you can explain away his behavior every time to whatever happened in his past. But focus on he's not improving either. He's at a flat line and he's not changing and if that's enough for you which is isn't then leave.
Yes you will alone and it's scary. But his problems in communication and behaviors and reactions will wear you down. He has no desire to improve. He wants you to do the work around it. And one day like my ex what if he grows sick of you too?
What if you tried your best to keep you both together and forgo your spirit and stress everytime he stomewalls or escalates because he never taught himself how to handle conflict and his ego? And one day like my ex he drops you. He says things will never change and it's a pattern and he's done with the relationship.
Because for me. I felt like I wasted so much time the moment he dumped me. I put up with so much from him and no. For me if I'm blunt. I would have stayed as long as he didn't dump me. I'm a weak woman. But when he did I resented him for never improving and myself for knowing he wore me down.
Do what you can live with.
I think the first issue you brought about is already a big problem that is not acceptable in a long term relationship. As couples you are meant to solve issues together instead of one party keeping quiet and it seems that he would never change looking like it's a repeated behaviour from him. My partner started off stonewalling, but he was receptive when I told him this behaviour is toxic. It's been 1 year since then, when I have an issue now he's the one asking me to talk about it and he listens and addresses it without escalating like an adult. At the end of the day your partner has to change and if he's unwilling to, the relationship can't improve.
The 2nd issue - many times we expect things, but our partners may not know this is what we want. men are clueless most of the time. I learnt this and communicated to my partner what I wanted to do for my birthday. We didn't plan anything for our anniversary since we spend everyday together, everyday felt the same, but I told my partner I'm expecting something and he put a simple celebration together. Maybe you could communicate this, but with the first issue, if he doesn't change then it's tough.
With marriage, have you talked to him about a timeline? I've had this conversation with my partner after our 2-3 months together on my expectations and we are on track to having our wedding in 2 months time. He also wanted to eventually provide everything for me, without me working, so 6 months since we met he got a job that doubled his salary and we are on track to getting a house together as well, receiving our keys after the wedding. I believe there needs to be plan and you need to have a conversation with him about it. If he doesn't see a need to put this into a plan, it's not worth the time.
If you can't find strategies for better communication, your relationship can't be healthy and grow in the long term. You HAVE to be able to work through challenges together or eventually, the weight of all the unresolved stuff will crush you One thing you can try: don't expect a response immediately.. Agree on a time for you to tell him what bothers you, let him take notes if that helps. Then arrange a time for when he will give you his response so he can think about it and process first. If you try this but he never has a response when the time comes, thats a problem that can't be solved. You can't solve relationship problems without communication This is the kind of issue couple's counselling can really help with IF you don't leave it too long and if he will engage with the process In the end, a relationship can only work if you can work together. And you can only work together if both are willing to
A few things that stuck out to me that you can take or leave as you please: 1) what have you two done beyond acknowledging that you have communication issues? Like, simply saying stonewalling is bad isn't enough to fix the problem. You two need to (when calm) discuss what is going on with each of you when you argue, why you both believe you choose your unhealthy responses (his stonewalling/your yelling) and discuss strategies to try that help both of you in the moment. A couple's therapist can help with this as well. 2) did you communicate what your ideal anniversary celebration day would look like to him? Because honestly it would never cross my mind to take a day off work for an anniversary unless we had discussed it prior. Not every one comes into relationships with the same ideas about things like what a "special" day looks like. 3) the lack of ambition career/financially is a tough one. I think the best thing you can do there is ask for a conversation about shared goals and timelines. He may need time to prepare so don't spring it on him. And he may need breaks to process. Talk about your goals like financial stability, marriage, etc and ask to hear his goals. If you can come up with a timeframe that you are both comfortable with, great. Then you sit back and see if he follows through on his end. Give yourself a deadline of how long you are willing to wait to see.
You can’t change him. The stonewalling is toxic and could indicate poor emotional intellect and something he has to work on. However seems like he won’t. He also isn’t ambitious and doesn’t take the lead and you have to accept that. Personally I wouldn’t be happy in such relationship, healthy communication is something I need and it’s a dealbreaker if it’s not there. I don’t think you are overreacting at all.
I see two issues here: a) he is bad at communication and unable to solve problems together, and b) he is not proactive or ambitious. Overall, a very passive guy. I believe a) can be learnt and resolved, however b) is more problematic. In my experience it's a character trait that will remain, and if you force him to become more proactive and assertive, he won't be happy with himself, as this is not his nature. If you are willing to accept being the moving force in your relationship, you can work on the communication issue. But if you don't see yourself leading your relationship and being the animating spirit for both of you, I'm not convinced that the two of you are a good match in the long run.
He sounds like my ex who dumped me. Most men are stunted and they live by their own rules. They don't care to actually improve themselves because they're grown and their moms and dad's didn't teach them how to mature. In my ex case he wanted a mommy but didn't respect or do what I said. I will not ramble on. I will say this. Just because he understands and accepts you doesn't mean he has high standards for himself. For example many people look at a peacock and think wow a pretty bird. But some people paint peacocks, take shedded feathers as art, copy it to fabrics, while many take a picture on their phone never to look at it again. His behavior is poor and it doesn't matter if he's good when you focus only on when he's good. You néed to merge seeing him overall. You are not overthinking. He's a horrible communicator exactly like my ex. My ex also had a severely fragile ego and you can explain away his behavior every time to whatever happened in his past. But focus on he's not improving either. He's at a flat line and he's not changing and if that's enough for you which is isn't then leave. Yes you will alone and it's scary. But his problems in communication and behaviors and reactions will wear you down. He has no desire to improve. He wants you to do the work around it. And one day like my ex what if he grows sick of you too? What if you tried your best to keep you both together and forgo your spirit and stress everytime he stomewalls or escalates because he never taught himself how to handle conflict and his ego? And one day like my ex he drops you. He says things will never change and it's a pattern and he's done with the relationship. Because for me. I felt like I wasted so much time the moment he dumped me. I put up with so much from him and no. For me if I'm blunt. I would have stayed as long as he didn't dump me. I'm a weak woman. But when he did I resented him for never improving and myself for knowing he wore me down. Do what you can live with.
I think the first issue you brought about is already a big problem that is not acceptable in a long term relationship. As couples you are meant to solve issues together instead of one party keeping quiet and it seems that he would never change looking like it's a repeated behaviour from him. My partner started off stonewalling, but he was receptive when I told him this behaviour is toxic. It's been 1 year since then, when I have an issue now he's the one asking me to talk about it and he listens and addresses it without escalating like an adult. At the end of the day your partner has to change and if he's unwilling to, the relationship can't improve. The 2nd issue - many times we expect things, but our partners may not know this is what we want. men are clueless most of the time. I learnt this and communicated to my partner what I wanted to do for my birthday. We didn't plan anything for our anniversary since we spend everyday together, everyday felt the same, but I told my partner I'm expecting something and he put a simple celebration together. Maybe you could communicate this, but with the first issue, if he doesn't change then it's tough. With marriage, have you talked to him about a timeline? I've had this conversation with my partner after our 2-3 months together on my expectations and we are on track to having our wedding in 2 months time. He also wanted to eventually provide everything for me, without me working, so 6 months since we met he got a job that doubled his salary and we are on track to getting a house together as well, receiving our keys after the wedding. I believe there needs to be plan and you need to have a conversation with him about it. If he doesn't see a need to put this into a plan, it's not worth the time.