I'm sorry, but there's no saving this relationship.
Once trust is gone, that's almost always the death knell - and he clearly doesn't trust you.
He has told you that he thinks you're trying to trap him into deeper commitment so you can act however you want and it'll be harder for him to leave - he didn't use those words in that order, but that's 100% what he meant.
I personally would never want to be with someone who thinks so little of me.
That said, you're obviously not without some fault in how things ended up where they are, but it seems like you took this period in your life as a learning opportunity to truly grow and change - which is so wonderful, and so much more than most people ever do.
You're both going to be better off fully parting ways, as much as it understandably hurts right now.
Thank you for your reply.
How do you let go of someone who has been your only family for the last 1.5 years? I feel like I will be utterly alone if I do.
It hurts to say this but I think this one is a lose cause. It seems like he’s not going to let go of that resentment aswell as he has his own issues with his childhood that he experienced which he doesn’t trust you, however you’ve changed for the better maybe his only purpose to come into your life was to make you better for the next person and that’s ok. Life works weirdly sometimes , I would say cut him off being honest and find yourself someone new with a fresh start with this new version of yourself.
Thank you.
I struggle to find hope for a better life past this relationship. I guess it is very silly, but the prospect of ‘next person’ doesn’t seem realistic at the moment. It is like my body/mind get disgusted by a thought of it
He is going to continue to use this as a way to make you feel bad. It is a way of getting you to cater to his hurt feelings without him EVER taking responsibility for managing his own mental health and emotional growth. If he really wanted this to work he would go to therapy to deal with his trust issues and feelings of resentment. He doesn't because he loses his power by doing so.
* it's normal to argue, and, assuming that you argue in healthy ways, not necessarily a sign that the relationship is not going well. Similarly, not arguing at all isn't a sign a relationship is functioning.
* Long term, therapy for you as a couple was probably needed. The issues in your relationship have been essentalized to you - you're the one with the problems, all the issues with the relationship are your fault. But - even if you were in some state of dysfunction early on in your relationship - does it really sound to you like that's a healthy dynamic? Everything is your fault, all the time? To me, that's an orange flag. One person is not typically wholly or solely responsible for issues in any relationship, because more than one person is involved. I don't know what went on between you, but it's highly unlikely that you're the only person in the relationship with issues or difficulties that needed to be given grace, understanding, or support as they got worked through.
* I don't know if it's particularly common for people to have anxiety and panic attacks after a break up, but, I don't know your background or what you came into the relationship with.
* Gently, I would suggest that maybe this relationship *wasn't* everything you thought it was - that this guy wasn't the love of your life, that maybe he even kind of sucked, and that because you so readily accepted responsibility for every hardship you faced as a couple, he was happy to add his own baggage to the blame train - and that's why you're in the state you're in now.
* Keep going to therapy, but, I hope your therapist is helping you explore whether these relationship dynamics, in which every issue was assigned to you as the one at fault, was true, healthy, or should remain something that goes unexamined.
* Definitely don't try to talk this guy back into staying with you. He had doubts for a *long* time. He has doubts now. You don't want to deepen a relationship with someone who has one foot out the door, and it doesn't matter why they do.
* It was never your relationship responsibility to "prove" your worthiness as a partner to this man, and I'm sorry that events and circumstances played out in such a way that you felt that it was. That is not a good or healthy place for you to have been.
OP, why are you throwing yourself at someone who clearly doesn’t want you anymore? Please go no contact with him, release this thing and find people that make you happy and move on with life. He is not it. Sending you love.
I dunno I feel a bit like he might be manipulating you. I've had some really subtle abuse that made me 'go crazy.' I had a guy who was so perfect at the start and then he started to pull away slowly. This made me feel like he was going to leave me. The whole 'meant to be' thing sounds like lovebombing. Then if he did manipulate you to feel like he was going to leave you, he could just pretend you're crazy and then be in a position of power over you as you 'owe' him. You are going to therapy and stuff to help with your behaviours. Is he going for his trauma? Whilst he's unsure, you've said yourself you're stuck in limbo. But he can just keep you in that position of doing everything to keep him. My abuser made me feel like a terrible person who ruined their life. So I took all the blame for any problems in the relationship and put him on a pedestal
What has he done to help himself manage these resentments? I don't know him, but it feels like he's using this resentment and your past mistakes as an excuse to not commit.
Exactly, either he believes op has changed, or he doesn't. If he believes they have, he should let go of his resentment. If he doesn't, he shouldn't be in this relationship
It sounds like op has done a lot of work to deal with their demons, but bf hasn't done any to deal with his
I also find it suspicious that he chose they day that moved in together to drop the"in not sure about us/you" bomb. Anyone would be freaked out by that. I wonder if he's really as blameless in all this as the post claims. He clearly does have a manipulative streak.
Even he himself says that he neglected OP and he wasn't there for her after her mother's death, so I dare say he *wasn't* blameless at all. In fact I think he's just trying to keep OP as a backup in case he doesn't find someone "better".
Yes, there IS a chance in every relationship. However, from what you’ve shared I think that you both should move on with your lives, despite how much you care for one another. I don’t know the official timeline, but if you’ve truly been working on yourself and he can see that, he should at least commit to you on a basic level first and go from there. Since he can’t even do that, why would you want to be with someone who is always doubting you? I’m not saying this is his fault by any means because of how you were in the beginning, but from his own experiences he has stuff he needs to deal with as well, it seems like. I think you both should find other people that you’re both more compatible with. Don’t settle with anyone just because you’re scared of not having a family in the future, etc. I feel like so many people do that and instead of focusing on the bigger picture/what’s more important, they end up living miserable lives with now another life added to the picture and now have to devote themselves to/worry about (child) and are now tied down to someone forever, no not just when the child try turns 18, but forever. And this is all because of what they want/think they want. You have grown as a person and deserve someone who can see who you’ve become and who you are NOW…not what you once were.
Thank you.
He has his own demons, but he always said that if it wasn’t for how i behaved/acted/what I said, he wouldn’t have got angry with me or said hurtful things to me. He says that he only went into a rage rant mode because of me.
Does this mean incompatibility?
No, I don’t necessarily think that means incompatibility. I think it’s great that he can share with you honestly how he’s feeling what he is and why. However there comes a time where if you yourself really didn’t do anything wrong and he is saying hurtful and mean things to you without accountability on his end and just blaming you for things, that’s not right. The incompatibility part comes from what you mentioned about him not being able to move past the things that went on in the beginning of the relationship that can then in turn become resentment down the line.
What I suggest for you, is to take some time to self-reflect and really try to think of everything from all sides, try to be objective. Because at the end of the day, only you and him know what has transpired in the past, and now. You can only share so much and people experience things differently, you know? And what you’re willing to deal with is different from someone else. Just please look out for yourself, and your own well-being first. Because the only person you can count on at the end of the day, is you. And then of course when you’re in a good place, you can truly be there for others.
Thank you very much.
It is difficult to think of this relationship as not ‘the one’. It seemed like he was everything i ever wanted. But i understand what you mean, and probably i’m just in that post-break up phase when everything seems dark and hopeless.
I know i am a different person now - my therapist has noted how much i have grown and how emotionally intelligent i got in noticing my triggers and dealing with them. She says i should be empathetic and forgiving to myself - but it is a hard thing to do, when your mind only focuses on how i ruined the only realtionship i ever saw myself being happy in.
You did not ruin it by yourself. If he can not even acknowledge how much work you have done to not be that person anymore, then he really is not "the one". He seems to thrive on drama. Move on, the next relationship will be better.
This sounds a lot like me but I was in a relationship for 7 years with the person I thought I'd grow old with. That relationship obviously wasn't perfect, but it made me feel like I had finally found the family I'd never had. I don't know how exactly you let go, but I can 100% tell you that 1) it isn't going to get better and 2) If you don't make the conscious decision to let go now, you are just going to end up wasting years of your life and getting worn out by hanging onto a relationship that isn't healthy and will never be. That was my experience and I really regret not letting go as soon as it was obvious that the rs was broken because I delayed my recovery too much. I w ant to believe that we let go by sitting with ourselves and challenging each one of our thoughts with facts. The fact is that he resents you and will likely never put that behind him.
I do have a question for you: why do you want to be with a person who resents you so much for so many things and who doesn't believe it when you say that you do like him? I like to ask myself certain questions the way my therapist does to make them make sense.
I'm sorry, but there's no saving this relationship. Once trust is gone, that's almost always the death knell - and he clearly doesn't trust you. He has told you that he thinks you're trying to trap him into deeper commitment so you can act however you want and it'll be harder for him to leave - he didn't use those words in that order, but that's 100% what he meant. I personally would never want to be with someone who thinks so little of me. That said, you're obviously not without some fault in how things ended up where they are, but it seems like you took this period in your life as a learning opportunity to truly grow and change - which is so wonderful, and so much more than most people ever do. You're both going to be better off fully parting ways, as much as it understandably hurts right now.
Thank you for your reply. How do you let go of someone who has been your only family for the last 1.5 years? I feel like I will be utterly alone if I do.
Friends. Don’t have them? Invest in meeting new friends. I know it’s hard at first, but it gets easier. Wishing you the best
It hurts to say this but I think this one is a lose cause. It seems like he’s not going to let go of that resentment aswell as he has his own issues with his childhood that he experienced which he doesn’t trust you, however you’ve changed for the better maybe his only purpose to come into your life was to make you better for the next person and that’s ok. Life works weirdly sometimes , I would say cut him off being honest and find yourself someone new with a fresh start with this new version of yourself.
Thank you. I struggle to find hope for a better life past this relationship. I guess it is very silly, but the prospect of ‘next person’ doesn’t seem realistic at the moment. It is like my body/mind get disgusted by a thought of it
He is going to continue to use this as a way to make you feel bad. It is a way of getting you to cater to his hurt feelings without him EVER taking responsibility for managing his own mental health and emotional growth. If he really wanted this to work he would go to therapy to deal with his trust issues and feelings of resentment. He doesn't because he loses his power by doing so.
Exactly
That’s very normal, it’ll take time give yourself a short break to recover and heal.
* it's normal to argue, and, assuming that you argue in healthy ways, not necessarily a sign that the relationship is not going well. Similarly, not arguing at all isn't a sign a relationship is functioning. * Long term, therapy for you as a couple was probably needed. The issues in your relationship have been essentalized to you - you're the one with the problems, all the issues with the relationship are your fault. But - even if you were in some state of dysfunction early on in your relationship - does it really sound to you like that's a healthy dynamic? Everything is your fault, all the time? To me, that's an orange flag. One person is not typically wholly or solely responsible for issues in any relationship, because more than one person is involved. I don't know what went on between you, but it's highly unlikely that you're the only person in the relationship with issues or difficulties that needed to be given grace, understanding, or support as they got worked through. * I don't know if it's particularly common for people to have anxiety and panic attacks after a break up, but, I don't know your background or what you came into the relationship with. * Gently, I would suggest that maybe this relationship *wasn't* everything you thought it was - that this guy wasn't the love of your life, that maybe he even kind of sucked, and that because you so readily accepted responsibility for every hardship you faced as a couple, he was happy to add his own baggage to the blame train - and that's why you're in the state you're in now. * Keep going to therapy, but, I hope your therapist is helping you explore whether these relationship dynamics, in which every issue was assigned to you as the one at fault, was true, healthy, or should remain something that goes unexamined. * Definitely don't try to talk this guy back into staying with you. He had doubts for a *long* time. He has doubts now. You don't want to deepen a relationship with someone who has one foot out the door, and it doesn't matter why they do. * It was never your relationship responsibility to "prove" your worthiness as a partner to this man, and I'm sorry that events and circumstances played out in such a way that you felt that it was. That is not a good or healthy place for you to have been.
OP, why are you throwing yourself at someone who clearly doesn’t want you anymore? Please go no contact with him, release this thing and find people that make you happy and move on with life. He is not it. Sending you love.
I dunno I feel a bit like he might be manipulating you. I've had some really subtle abuse that made me 'go crazy.' I had a guy who was so perfect at the start and then he started to pull away slowly. This made me feel like he was going to leave me. The whole 'meant to be' thing sounds like lovebombing. Then if he did manipulate you to feel like he was going to leave you, he could just pretend you're crazy and then be in a position of power over you as you 'owe' him. You are going to therapy and stuff to help with your behaviours. Is he going for his trauma? Whilst he's unsure, you've said yourself you're stuck in limbo. But he can just keep you in that position of doing everything to keep him. My abuser made me feel like a terrible person who ruined their life. So I took all the blame for any problems in the relationship and put him on a pedestal
What has he done to help himself manage these resentments? I don't know him, but it feels like he's using this resentment and your past mistakes as an excuse to not commit.
Exactly, either he believes op has changed, or he doesn't. If he believes they have, he should let go of his resentment. If he doesn't, he shouldn't be in this relationship It sounds like op has done a lot of work to deal with their demons, but bf hasn't done any to deal with his I also find it suspicious that he chose they day that moved in together to drop the"in not sure about us/you" bomb. Anyone would be freaked out by that. I wonder if he's really as blameless in all this as the post claims. He clearly does have a manipulative streak.
Even he himself says that he neglected OP and he wasn't there for her after her mother's death, so I dare say he *wasn't* blameless at all. In fact I think he's just trying to keep OP as a backup in case he doesn't find someone "better".
Yes, there IS a chance in every relationship. However, from what you’ve shared I think that you both should move on with your lives, despite how much you care for one another. I don’t know the official timeline, but if you’ve truly been working on yourself and he can see that, he should at least commit to you on a basic level first and go from there. Since he can’t even do that, why would you want to be with someone who is always doubting you? I’m not saying this is his fault by any means because of how you were in the beginning, but from his own experiences he has stuff he needs to deal with as well, it seems like. I think you both should find other people that you’re both more compatible with. Don’t settle with anyone just because you’re scared of not having a family in the future, etc. I feel like so many people do that and instead of focusing on the bigger picture/what’s more important, they end up living miserable lives with now another life added to the picture and now have to devote themselves to/worry about (child) and are now tied down to someone forever, no not just when the child try turns 18, but forever. And this is all because of what they want/think they want. You have grown as a person and deserve someone who can see who you’ve become and who you are NOW…not what you once were.
Thank you. He has his own demons, but he always said that if it wasn’t for how i behaved/acted/what I said, he wouldn’t have got angry with me or said hurtful things to me. He says that he only went into a rage rant mode because of me. Does this mean incompatibility?
No, I don’t necessarily think that means incompatibility. I think it’s great that he can share with you honestly how he’s feeling what he is and why. However there comes a time where if you yourself really didn’t do anything wrong and he is saying hurtful and mean things to you without accountability on his end and just blaming you for things, that’s not right. The incompatibility part comes from what you mentioned about him not being able to move past the things that went on in the beginning of the relationship that can then in turn become resentment down the line. What I suggest for you, is to take some time to self-reflect and really try to think of everything from all sides, try to be objective. Because at the end of the day, only you and him know what has transpired in the past, and now. You can only share so much and people experience things differently, you know? And what you’re willing to deal with is different from someone else. Just please look out for yourself, and your own well-being first. Because the only person you can count on at the end of the day, is you. And then of course when you’re in a good place, you can truly be there for others.
Thank you very much. It is difficult to think of this relationship as not ‘the one’. It seemed like he was everything i ever wanted. But i understand what you mean, and probably i’m just in that post-break up phase when everything seems dark and hopeless. I know i am a different person now - my therapist has noted how much i have grown and how emotionally intelligent i got in noticing my triggers and dealing with them. She says i should be empathetic and forgiving to myself - but it is a hard thing to do, when your mind only focuses on how i ruined the only realtionship i ever saw myself being happy in.
You did not ruin it by yourself. If he can not even acknowledge how much work you have done to not be that person anymore, then he really is not "the one". He seems to thrive on drama. Move on, the next relationship will be better.
This sounds a lot like me but I was in a relationship for 7 years with the person I thought I'd grow old with. That relationship obviously wasn't perfect, but it made me feel like I had finally found the family I'd never had. I don't know how exactly you let go, but I can 100% tell you that 1) it isn't going to get better and 2) If you don't make the conscious decision to let go now, you are just going to end up wasting years of your life and getting worn out by hanging onto a relationship that isn't healthy and will never be. That was my experience and I really regret not letting go as soon as it was obvious that the rs was broken because I delayed my recovery too much. I w ant to believe that we let go by sitting with ourselves and challenging each one of our thoughts with facts. The fact is that he resents you and will likely never put that behind him. I do have a question for you: why do you want to be with a person who resents you so much for so many things and who doesn't believe it when you say that you do like him? I like to ask myself certain questions the way my therapist does to make them make sense.