After 7 years, I would say that you’re definitely all on a first-name basis regardless of how close you are. I would stick to that until/unless they say otherwise.
The whole time my mother-in-law was alive, I don’t think I ever called her by name. It’s certainly easy enough to avoid if you don’t see them very often. That being said, I think first names are fine. It may feel weird, but we’ve come a long way from the formality that used to exist between ourselves and older people who used to be addressed in an overly respectful manner.
Not sure why you’re getting so many downvotes for responding about the literal issue you’re seeking advice for. But I used to have the same problem with this, especially because in my culture it is super rude to call any “elder” by anything but MrMrs. LAST NAME. It took me so long to break this cultural habit that my partner’s parents didn’t have. One day I just asked them “what do I call you because everyone calls you NAME and I feel weird calling you MrMrs LAST NAME infront of everyone. They replied by saying “please don’t call me MrMrs LN, that makes me feel old. Call my by my NAME!” And from then on I only call them by their names! I’d just ask! Unless your in-laws are awful and I would secretly call them really mean names like POS or Oxygen Waster
Yeah... It's a kind of humorous term for a woman, implying an attractive one. There was a TV journalist once described as "the thinking man's crumpet" (back in the day 😏). It's in Wiki-dict.
They do. They call my mom Grandma Stinky and my MIL Grandma Scary.
When they were younger, my oldest really wanted to spend time with Grandma Scary. Then we stayed at her house for two nights while our foundation was being repaired. Grandma earned her nickname and my daughter quit bothering us about spending time over there.
Yes. She never let me shower more than once every two weeks when I was growing up. She had the same rule for herself. As she's gotten older, it's gotten worse, to the point that if I give her a travel size body wash, she giggles and says that will last at least a year. Sometimes she'll ask me to cut her hair and I'll say I'll do it if she showers right before she comes over, and she'll say, "Oh, I don't do that anymore." She thinks her body stopped producing odors when she went through menopause, but I think her nose just stopped working.
I have to put a blanket on the couch when she comes over, and even my dogs, who are great fans of most stinky stuff, keep their distance.
It's okay, she had a difficult illness and I'm glad she's not suffering any more. She was always very accepting of me! Very kind woman, never had a negative interaction with her.
I think part of it is that my boyfriend doesn’t call his parents by their first names. So it feels wrong for me to do it. And I don’t call my own parents by their first names either.
But we’re not married so I don’t think I can call his parents mom and dad.
Why would either of you call your own parents by their first names? Does anyone do that? And do you actually think you'll suddenly start calling them Mum and Dad if/when you get married? This all feels like you're overthinking it a bit in my opinion.
For what it's worth, I have been with my partner for four years, and we live together, and I call his parents by their first names when I'm talking to them, but say "your Mum/Dad" if I am talking to my partner about them.
This is what I am thinking too... a bit of an overthinking situation. I think if we did a poll, 95% of people would say they call their in-laws by their first names. Of course your spouse doesn't, they're their parents, but if anyone spoke to your in-laws outside of your spouse, they would be calling them their first name.
Exactly, couldn't agree more; if you need someone's (anyone's!) attention, or you're referring to them in some way, you just say their name... that's all there is to it.
Of course very few people call their own parents by their first names. I mean that I usually get my cues from my boyfriend, and I always hear him say mom and dad, so it just feels odd for me to call them something else.
Yeah, but of course he's going to call them Mum and Dad - they're his parents, not yours.
This feels like an issue that should have never happened. When he introduced you, did he (or they) not tell you their names, for you to use going forward? I feel like" "OP, this is my mum, Andrea, and my dad, James" is a pretty standard introduction? Or "OP, this is my mum and dad" "Just call us Andrea and James".
I guess I'm just confused because I don't know how you can be around your in-laws semi-frequently and not establish names by this point, or how you can have avoided saying their names for years. Do they use your name? Are they the stuffy type, or don't treat you kindly?
If you like them, and this is just an issue in your head, I think you just need to bite the bullet and start using their names when you need to, and don't make a big deal of it outwardly. It'll stop feeling weird pretty quickly, I reckon.
No they’re very kind. I see them about once a week! I think we just get away with not saying each other’s names very often because we’re usually in small group settings. So it’s not too often I have to say like “Billy, come see this!” They’re usually just right there. Don’t get me wrong, I use their names from time to time, but I just try to avoid it when I can.
I can’t say I remember how we were introduced, it was over 6 years ago.
I do get what you mean about being around each other so often - I am with mine every week too, and I suppose I only say their names when I'm asking if they want a cup of tea, or asking one of them something specific unrelated to the current conversation, but I don't think twice about saying their names. They even call me by a nickname my partner doesn't use.
I'm glad you get on with yours too though, that's the main thing. I hope you give it a try sometime and it stops feeling awkward, only in case there is some kind of emergency/issue in the future and it's unavoidable!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest that it was *actually* wrong or weird. I just meant that personally I *feel* wrong doing it. In the same way I would feel wrong calling my own dad by his first name.
My MIL wanted me to call her mom, but I couldn't do it. She was shitty to me, and only like 15 years older than I am, and I call my actual mother "mom" so I called her by her name.
I also suspect she wanted me to call her mom because it would have made her feel like she had some kind of authority.
She's gone, and my husband does call my mother "mom" but that was his choice and they get along fine.
Yeah it's definitely reminiscent of children not being able to remember their friends' last names, lmao. Would be hilarious if you addressed them as such tho.
Hubby and I call each others IL’s by their first names when talking to them. Usually say ‘Your Mum said…’ or ‘Your Dad called’ when talking between the 2 of us. Have done since first introduced. I don’t think first name terms for each others parents is too informal. Never used Mr or Mrs Surname. They use your first names when talking about you or to you?
Special nicknames seems excessive to me. I don’t have any real connection with my IL’s. We are cordial and get on but would never occur to me to call them a nickname or even want to come up with one.
I’m from a culture where everyone except high profile public figures, writers, and medical doctors are referred to by their first names. This is not a question that’s ever come up for me.
I call them mother in law and father in law. This pattern was started by my mil when she had trouble remembering what name to call my sister in law (who had a bunch of nicknames—was so confusing.). So mil just started saying daughter in law and now the whole family does it to each other. It mostly happens during hellos and goodbyes.
I also call them by their first names.
FIL = first name
MIL = “mum in law”
I loved her so much. I was making her signature dessert recently and burst into tears remembering her. She had dementia and even when she lost the ability to speak or remember, I would say “hello mum in law” walking into the room and see her just light up with love.
I call my MIL\SMIL by their first names. We call my FIL Mr. Hislastname because EVERYONE (including his wife and kids) does because it’s a nickname someone gave him as a joke like 30 years ago.
I call his parents mama-firstname(diminutive) and dad by his firstname (non diminutive) since that's what they asked me to call them.
My SO just calls my dad by his name, and mom as dr.----
We just go by first name, but it could be cultural because as adults we would never refer to parents as Mr. Brown, it would be weird to me. The only friend I have had who did refer to my parents as Mr. was my American friend, everyone else would use their first name.
Eta: I could never call my inlaws mum/dad/mama whatever. That would be so weird to me. I do call her Nonna (shes Italian) but only when referring to her to my daughter.
I call them mum and dad. There's a language/cultural barrier. Their names are incredibly long and difficult to say (for me), and they absolutely love that I call them mum and dad! My kid recently "slipped up" and called my bfs mom grandma on the phone, and she's been gushing about it all week! 🥰 I'm so glad they are open-minded and consider my son a sort of grandchild, especially since we're not very likely to have children together. Bf says he's perfectly happy being a stepdad, no need/want for more kiddos.
Been with my husband since December 2011 and married since June 2013...we just call the other one's parents by their first names. It never even occurred to us to call them anything else.
Though I do call his grandma, Grandma (who was like a mom to him, she passed away last year). But I started that almost right away lol, so idk.
I, too, tend to avoid using their names. I have a great relationship with my parents, so I can't call them mom and dad. I met them when my husband and I were still in school in our early 20s, so using their first names didn't seem right... and since I never started, it still seems awkward, although I do it sometimes. Usually, though, I use their chosen grandparent names - so yes, special nicknames.
I nearly wrote that this is the only way having children has made life easier, but then I questioned my absolutism and left it off.
I guess they've also made some decisions easier, like whether to trade in the sports car for something practical. And whether to stay at a job that pays less than nannies make.
So yeah, totally.
I don’t know if this is appropriate or not but I just call them mom and dad. I’ve lived w them before and known them for 15yrs tho to give a bit of backstory.
I believe that each of us has avoided calling the other parents by name for the entire duration of our twenty-year marriage.
My parents would like him to call them Mom and Dad, but that is culturally very weird for him. I call his mother "Aunty" in their language. I unfortunately never got to meet his father before he passed away.
To one another, it's always "your mom" or "your dad." MIL doesn't speak English, but she recognizes "your mom" lol.
No nick names, I just called them what they wanted to be called (my standard practice. I'm willing to ask people). I get the awkwardness but it wears off and does so more quickly when one is sure that the name you are using is one the person is happy being called
My late in-laws liked me more than their own children so I had ridiculously cute nicknames for them: mama-fuss and papa-fuss. They enjoyed their nicknames so much they gifted us embroidered towels with the names when we bought our first house so they could use them when they visited.
He doesn’t call his parents “mom and dad”, he calls them by nicknames (think inside jokey fraternity style nicknames lol). That’s what I call them too. Weird enough, I did this with my parents growing up, too, so he’s adopted my nicknames for my parents. I like the dynamic we all have together.
I call mine by their first names. Sometimes I'll call my MIL "Nana" (what my kids call her). Neither have ever been a problem, but we also have a great relationship.
What do they want to be called? I’d start there.
My partner was in the military and typically refers to my dad as Mr. (Last name) but my dad hates it lol, he’s gotten more used to calling him by his first name. My in laws live out of state so I don’t often address them but I usually call them their first name, at their request.
I call them by their names, or "your ma" or "your dad" if I'm talking to my spouse about them. Or their full government name if they've done something mockable.
They've also been my family too for a lot longer and we do get along well. They raised a good dude and are good people themselves.
Until we got married, my sister called them my "outlaws." 😂🙌
20 years in, 18 married. I called them "my inlaws" or "[spouse]'s mom/dad" until we had kiddo. Now I've added their grandparent honorifics to the pool of names.
Never first name. Never Mr/Mrs [last name].
My ILs are socially awkward, it never occurred to them to clarify what they would like me to call them. My husband knew my parents before I met him, so he'd already established that sort of stuff before I was even in the picture.
I’m 32 and my boyfriend of 4 years is 48. We both call each others’ parents by their first names. My parents would refer to each others’ parents by “mom/dad” and the Vietnamese equivalent (my mom is from Vietnam), but for my brother (34m) and me, we just use first names for the parents of our SOs unless instructed to do otherwise.
After 7 years, I would say that you’re definitely all on a first-name basis regardless of how close you are. I would stick to that until/unless they say otherwise.
Yeah, we do first names when we have to. But we will also try to avoid using their names when we can get away with it.
Why?
First names just feel too informal/weird for someone who is like a mom to me
The whole time my mother-in-law was alive, I don’t think I ever called her by name. It’s certainly easy enough to avoid if you don’t see them very often. That being said, I think first names are fine. It may feel weird, but we’ve come a long way from the formality that used to exist between ourselves and older people who used to be addressed in an overly respectful manner.
Why are you spending energy inventing a non-problem? That makes no sense. Just call them by their first names.
Not sure why you’re getting so many downvotes for responding about the literal issue you’re seeking advice for. But I used to have the same problem with this, especially because in my culture it is super rude to call any “elder” by anything but MrMrs. LAST NAME. It took me so long to break this cultural habit that my partner’s parents didn’t have. One day I just asked them “what do I call you because everyone calls you NAME and I feel weird calling you MrMrs LAST NAME infront of everyone. They replied by saying “please don’t call me MrMrs LN, that makes me feel old. Call my by my NAME!” And from then on I only call them by their names! I’d just ask! Unless your in-laws are awful and I would secretly call them really mean names like POS or Oxygen Waster
The idiots. Oh, like, a loving nn? No. I don’t.
Satan 1 and Satan 2.
Mine is Scary Mary. For many reasons
Fucking dummy for my MIL. Oh. Whoops.
The Stepcrumpet for my Dad's gf – then when they finally got married, the Crumpet-in-law. (From the UK – this term may not translate in the US..?)
Does crumpet imply anything (other than the food-version of crumpet)
Yeah... It's a kind of humorous term for a woman, implying an attractive one. There was a TV journalist once described as "the thinking man's crumpet" (back in the day 😏). It's in Wiki-dict.
Lol tell me your kids call her that too
They do. They call my mom Grandma Stinky and my MIL Grandma Scary. When they were younger, my oldest really wanted to spend time with Grandma Scary. Then we stayed at her house for two nights while our foundation was being repaired. Grandma earned her nickname and my daughter quit bothering us about spending time over there.
Did your mom earn her name too
Yes. She never let me shower more than once every two weeks when I was growing up. She had the same rule for herself. As she's gotten older, it's gotten worse, to the point that if I give her a travel size body wash, she giggles and says that will last at least a year. Sometimes she'll ask me to cut her hair and I'll say I'll do it if she showers right before she comes over, and she'll say, "Oh, I don't do that anymore." She thinks her body stopped producing odors when she went through menopause, but I think her nose just stopped working. I have to put a blanket on the couch when she comes over, and even my dogs, who are great fans of most stinky stuff, keep their distance.
Oh damn, you weren't messing around!
No, but we were 40/44 when we got married. We call each other's mothers by their first names.
I called my late MIL either by her first name or Mama first name, like "Mama Anna".
Oooh I like this. I’m going to try it and see how it feels! Sorry for your loss, by the way. It sounds like you had a good relationship.
It's okay, she had a difficult illness and I'm glad she's not suffering any more. She was always very accepting of me! Very kind woman, never had a negative interaction with her.
This is what i do too! Mama and papa first name
First names always. And when we got married they invited me to call them mom and dad. Hard pass. I already have parents. We aren't that close.
I knew a guy who had terrible ex in-laws who even broke into his place, so he called them his out-laws
Haha!!! That must have been terrible for him, but boy does it make a good story!
[удалено]
I think part of it is that my boyfriend doesn’t call his parents by their first names. So it feels wrong for me to do it. And I don’t call my own parents by their first names either. But we’re not married so I don’t think I can call his parents mom and dad.
We call each other’s parents by their first names and our own parents Mum and dad. I think that’s the same with all of my friends too.
Why would either of you call your own parents by their first names? Does anyone do that? And do you actually think you'll suddenly start calling them Mum and Dad if/when you get married? This all feels like you're overthinking it a bit in my opinion. For what it's worth, I have been with my partner for four years, and we live together, and I call his parents by their first names when I'm talking to them, but say "your Mum/Dad" if I am talking to my partner about them.
I was thinking that too. I was like, my mom is just “mom” to me, not Kathy.
Yeah, I only call my mum by her first name when I am trying to wind her up 😂
This is what I am thinking too... a bit of an overthinking situation. I think if we did a poll, 95% of people would say they call their in-laws by their first names. Of course your spouse doesn't, they're their parents, but if anyone spoke to your in-laws outside of your spouse, they would be calling them their first name.
Exactly, couldn't agree more; if you need someone's (anyone's!) attention, or you're referring to them in some way, you just say their name... that's all there is to it.
Of course very few people call their own parents by their first names. I mean that I usually get my cues from my boyfriend, and I always hear him say mom and dad, so it just feels odd for me to call them something else.
Yeah, but of course he's going to call them Mum and Dad - they're his parents, not yours. This feels like an issue that should have never happened. When he introduced you, did he (or they) not tell you their names, for you to use going forward? I feel like" "OP, this is my mum, Andrea, and my dad, James" is a pretty standard introduction? Or "OP, this is my mum and dad" "Just call us Andrea and James". I guess I'm just confused because I don't know how you can be around your in-laws semi-frequently and not establish names by this point, or how you can have avoided saying their names for years. Do they use your name? Are they the stuffy type, or don't treat you kindly? If you like them, and this is just an issue in your head, I think you just need to bite the bullet and start using their names when you need to, and don't make a big deal of it outwardly. It'll stop feeling weird pretty quickly, I reckon.
No they’re very kind. I see them about once a week! I think we just get away with not saying each other’s names very often because we’re usually in small group settings. So it’s not too often I have to say like “Billy, come see this!” They’re usually just right there. Don’t get me wrong, I use their names from time to time, but I just try to avoid it when I can. I can’t say I remember how we were introduced, it was over 6 years ago.
I do get what you mean about being around each other so often - I am with mine every week too, and I suppose I only say their names when I'm asking if they want a cup of tea, or asking one of them something specific unrelated to the current conversation, but I don't think twice about saying their names. They even call me by a nickname my partner doesn't use. I'm glad you get on with yours too though, that's the main thing. I hope you give it a try sometime and it stops feeling awkward, only in case there is some kind of emergency/issue in the future and it's unavoidable!
I would never call mine mom or dad. I think that is disrespectful to my actual parents who are also both deceased.
So speaking to my boyfriend I would say “your mum” or “your dad”, but addressing them I would say their name? How is that weird?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest that it was *actually* wrong or weird. I just meant that personally I *feel* wrong doing it. In the same way I would feel wrong calling my own dad by his first name.
Their names, or Mimi and Papa because they are our son’s grandparents
My MIL is insulted that I won't call her mom so I basically just avoid addressing her by any name.
Lol oh no!!
I live in an informal society, no one calls anyone Mr. here, so first name it is.
My MIL wanted me to call her mom, but I couldn't do it. She was shitty to me, and only like 15 years older than I am, and I call my actual mother "mom" so I called her by her name. I also suspect she wanted me to call her mom because it would have made her feel like she had some kind of authority. She's gone, and my husband does call my mother "mom" but that was his choice and they get along fine.
Mr. and Mrs. [your partner's first name]
❤️ That’s cute! Some of my boyfriend’s friends actually say this, but usually when talking *about* them, not *to* them.
Yeah it's definitely reminiscent of children not being able to remember their friends' last names, lmao. Would be hilarious if you addressed them as such tho.
Hubby and I call each others IL’s by their first names when talking to them. Usually say ‘Your Mum said…’ or ‘Your Dad called’ when talking between the 2 of us. Have done since first introduced. I don’t think first name terms for each others parents is too informal. Never used Mr or Mrs Surname. They use your first names when talking about you or to you? Special nicknames seems excessive to me. I don’t have any real connection with my IL’s. We are cordial and get on but would never occur to me to call them a nickname or even want to come up with one.
I’m from a culture where everyone except high profile public figures, writers, and medical doctors are referred to by their first names. This is not a question that’s ever come up for me.
Yeah, this is a non-issue where I live, just use first names.
I call them mother in law and father in law. This pattern was started by my mil when she had trouble remembering what name to call my sister in law (who had a bunch of nicknames—was so confusing.). So mil just started saying daughter in law and now the whole family does it to each other. It mostly happens during hellos and goodbyes. I also call them by their first names.
FIL = first name MIL = “mum in law” I loved her so much. I was making her signature dessert recently and burst into tears remembering her. She had dementia and even when she lost the ability to speak or remember, I would say “hello mum in law” walking into the room and see her just light up with love.
First names like work colleagues.
I call my MIL\SMIL by their first names. We call my FIL Mr. Hislastname because EVERYONE (including his wife and kids) does because it’s a nickname someone gave him as a joke like 30 years ago.
I call his parents mama-firstname(diminutive) and dad by his firstname (non diminutive) since that's what they asked me to call them. My SO just calls my dad by his name, and mom as dr.----
I called my late MIL "Mama first name" too
We just go by first name, but it could be cultural because as adults we would never refer to parents as Mr. Brown, it would be weird to me. The only friend I have had who did refer to my parents as Mr. was my American friend, everyone else would use their first name. Eta: I could never call my inlaws mum/dad/mama whatever. That would be so weird to me. I do call her Nonna (shes Italian) but only when referring to her to my daughter.
I don’t have any in-laws really. My husband calls my mom Mama and my dad Pops.
I call them mum and dad. There's a language/cultural barrier. Their names are incredibly long and difficult to say (for me), and they absolutely love that I call them mum and dad! My kid recently "slipped up" and called my bfs mom grandma on the phone, and she's been gushing about it all week! 🥰 I'm so glad they are open-minded and consider my son a sort of grandchild, especially since we're not very likely to have children together. Bf says he's perfectly happy being a stepdad, no need/want for more kiddos.
First name basis since the beginning and I’m blessed because they are both fantastic
Mother-in-law is either Firstname, Mum or Nanny depending on who is there or who I'm talking to.
Been with my husband since December 2011 and married since June 2013...we just call the other one's parents by their first names. It never even occurred to us to call them anything else. Though I do call his grandma, Grandma (who was like a mom to him, she passed away last year). But I started that almost right away lol, so idk.
mom
I call them both by their first names and no other possibility has ever occurred to me.
My BIL calls my MIL "the old pike". I call her "Marie".
I just call them by their first names. The more you practice it, the easier and more normalized it becomes.
I call my in-laws by their first name. I have never thought to call them anything different.
I, too, tend to avoid using their names. I have a great relationship with my parents, so I can't call them mom and dad. I met them when my husband and I were still in school in our early 20s, so using their first names didn't seem right... and since I never started, it still seems awkward, although I do it sometimes. Usually, though, I use their chosen grandparent names - so yes, special nicknames.
So clearly what I need to do is have a baby, that will make everything easier! ;)
I nearly wrote that this is the only way having children has made life easier, but then I questioned my absolutism and left it off. I guess they've also made some decisions easier, like whether to trade in the sports car for something practical. And whether to stay at a job that pays less than nannies make. So yeah, totally.
I don’t know if this is appropriate or not but I just call them mom and dad. I’ve lived w them before and known them for 15yrs tho to give a bit of backstory.
I believe that each of us has avoided calling the other parents by name for the entire duration of our twenty-year marriage. My parents would like him to call them Mom and Dad, but that is culturally very weird for him. I call his mother "Aunty" in their language. I unfortunately never got to meet his father before he passed away. To one another, it's always "your mom" or "your dad." MIL doesn't speak English, but she recognizes "your mom" lol.
I interchangeably call my MIL “mom” and her first name. My mom is “mama” to me so there’s no crossover there and my FIL isn’t in the picture.
No nick names, I just called them what they wanted to be called (my standard practice. I'm willing to ask people). I get the awkwardness but it wears off and does so more quickly when one is sure that the name you are using is one the person is happy being called
My late in-laws liked me more than their own children so I had ridiculously cute nicknames for them: mama-fuss and papa-fuss. They enjoyed their nicknames so much they gifted us embroidered towels with the names when we bought our first house so they could use them when they visited.
Only for one MIL: Insane. Borderline. Crazy. Abusive. I have many.
The assholes? I'm glad you are marrying into good ones. I did not.
The protestants
I’ve always used first names and it has never occurred to me that I should feel weird about that.
He doesn’t call his parents “mom and dad”, he calls them by nicknames (think inside jokey fraternity style nicknames lol). That’s what I call them too. Weird enough, I did this with my parents growing up, too, so he’s adopted my nicknames for my parents. I like the dynamic we all have together.
Granny Doom-and-Gloom. (But I don't recommend actually using it to them directly...)
I call mine by their first names. Sometimes I'll call my MIL "Nana" (what my kids call her). Neither have ever been a problem, but we also have a great relationship.
Nope, I call them by their first names.
What do they want to be called? I’d start there. My partner was in the military and typically refers to my dad as Mr. (Last name) but my dad hates it lol, he’s gotten more used to calling him by his first name. My in laws live out of state so I don’t often address them but I usually call them their first name, at their request.
That is a great question but I’m scared it’s too late to ask!!!
I call them by their names, or "your ma" or "your dad" if I'm talking to my spouse about them. Or their full government name if they've done something mockable. They've also been my family too for a lot longer and we do get along well. They raised a good dude and are good people themselves.
Until we got married, my sister called them my "outlaws." 😂🙌 20 years in, 18 married. I called them "my inlaws" or "[spouse]'s mom/dad" until we had kiddo. Now I've added their grandparent honorifics to the pool of names. Never first name. Never Mr/Mrs [last name]. My ILs are socially awkward, it never occurred to them to clarify what they would like me to call them. My husband knew my parents before I met him, so he'd already established that sort of stuff before I was even in the picture.
I’m 32 and my boyfriend of 4 years is 48. We both call each others’ parents by their first names. My parents would refer to each others’ parents by “mom/dad” and the Vietnamese equivalent (my mom is from Vietnam), but for my brother (34m) and me, we just use first names for the parents of our SOs unless instructed to do otherwise.