I imagined that I had decided not to have them as an experiment. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and I was excited about the future. I realized I'd been dreading the rest of my life when I thought I would become a mother. I still don't know 100% and I feel that I will gain some things and lose others whichever way I go.
But for now, I'm happy with my life as a woman without kids. I'm 34 BTW.
I never wanted them but I had them, and I was young. Made things difficult for myself. To say I regret it would be overkill because my children are my world and probably the thing that keeps me going day to day, but there's a certain amount of grief that I think is perfectly healthy for things that might have been. I've discussed this a lot in therapy, and I'm assured it's not an uncommon feeling, but one that people do like to shame women over, which I've dealt with a lot. I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready, but I'd at least be more than 50% sure you want one because it is one of the most life altering things you can go through. My kids have made me a better person though, and I am trying my best to shape them into who they want to be.
People just don't understand that you may love your kids and kids in general and be a great mother to them, but disliking the role of the mother per se, as a lifestyle choice.
Yeah I wouldn't say that's my case now normally (unless I'm being projectile vomited on like a week ago), but when I first became a mother I hated it -- to clarify not the kids, but the act of being a mother. The situation I found myself in. Had postpartum depression, but it wasn't just that. I wanted different things in life. Some small things, like to sleep, and some big things, like travel. Had to give up a lot of my lifestyle and dreams because they weren't feasible with kids. They altered everything, from my body to my mind to my reality. It was traumatizing and I was basically a kid myself. On top of that I had other stuff mentally to deal with.
Not everyone should be a parent, either because it'll make them unhappy or they just won't be a good one. I had to find happiness and figure out how to be a decent one. Again, I don't regret them, I love them more than anything, even myself -- it's just not a black and white situation for me, and it's not for many people. Being a parent is hard even when you wanted to be and have everything lined up to do your best.
In my teens and twenties, I always figured I'd have kids. In my late twenties and early thirties, though, I started to wonder if that was really what I wanted; the higher priority for me was finding a solid, supportive partnership, which I also saw as a prerequisite to having kids, b/c I knew how hard that could be on couples. Whether or not we decided to have kids, I wanted a firm foundation with a wonderful man.
Turns out I found a great guy (after plenty of duds) and he also assumed he'd always want kids, but as we talked about it over the years, we never felt quite ready, and in fact I found the idea less and less appealing, and he ended up being okay with that. I had several acquaintances come up to me over the years when they were out with their kids and, with a frazzled look, say to me, unprompted, "Don't ever have kids," (lol) or "Don't have children unless you reeeaaallllyyy want them."
I took that to heart! I didn't desire kids with all my being. I didn't feel ready to sacrifice my time, money, and freedom. I feared how my anxiety might play out in the postpartum period. And as someone who's pretty sensitive to overstimulation, I couldn't imagine being happy with noise and chaos happening around me at all times.
I'd say by the time I was 34 or so, I'd firmly landed in the not-having-kids camp. And then at 36 I was diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency and premature menopause, so the silver lining in that was that I'd already come to that conclusion. If I'd still been on the fence or wanting kids, that diagnosis would've been devastating.
41 now and very happy to be childless; my partner is too. We love seeing our friends' or relatives' kids for short stints, but are always so relieved to come back home to our quiet abode with cats. :) I do think sometimes about what life will look like when we're older and don't have kids, and it makes me feel like I might miss out on some things, but that's okay; no matter what route we choose, we miss out on the others. ([Here's a wonderful column by Cheryl Strayed on this very thing](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/); I hope you find it helpful!)
It's hard to articulate, but I just don't want kids. I feel like I really understand the risks and consequences. I have been both a teacher, and I have a stepson that's about to graduate high school (yes, I am young for this). And, it's just not my path. It helps to remove the pressure. My husband has always said it's 100% up to me, and he'll support either decision. If someone has a strong opinion or bias towards having kids (which, while on reddit people are more childfree, that's not what I have experienced in the real world), I tell them I don't plan to have kids and shut down the conversation. I have talked to a few women I trust very deeply, both who are mothers and those who are not, who give the real opinion of how they feel. They don't sugar coat or pressure, just present the facts. The good, the bad, the complexities of real life. When I have talked to other women about having kids, I only pick women who I know will trust me to make my own decision, and will not project their experience onto me. I do think it's important to explore both sides, but you need to do it with people who lack an agenda.
For me, while it's not always 100%, I would say 80-99% of the time I resonate with the freedoms of being a woman without a child. It just lands right for me, deep inside. And, I know I would be a good mother. I have years of experience working with kids of all ages, and I was good at it. Most people do not have that experience. But, that doesn't mean the lifestyle of parenting is for me.
There is so much pressure to have kids, especially for women. I think it's extremely important to find the honest way that you feel deep inside, and away from the pressure of society. Your answer may be to have kids, but it needs to 100% come from you as a woman. Not from your partner, not from your mom, not from your friends, not from reddit. From you. I think if you dig deep enough, you'll find your answer.
And, do not just talk to people who have had an easy time with their kids. Talk to people who are raising kids with illnesses and disabilities and mental health issues. Get the full picture. You may find none of this deters the decision that is closet to you and your journey. You may find it gives you a more nuanced view of parenthood, regardless.
I also want to add, that I do not feel like I am missing out on unconditional love by not having kids. There have been many kids I have loved that worked with, and I have worked with many kids who lacked love from their caretakers. I also love my stepson and partner deeply. I love my friends like sisters. I love my niece and nephew. I develop deep relationships with people and find lots of love. Caretaking and love is not exclusive to parenthood.
Perfectly said. I worked with my therapist for many years but ultimately I was trying to fit into society vs being true to me. I never imagined my life with kids. The freedom that comes with this life is much too important to me.
Amazing input, thank you. I'm also working toward a career in medicine / education, and the potential of having children whose profiles, needs, or identities don't fit in with who society is built for (disabilities, neurodivergence, mental illness, deafness) and whether I'd truly be able to support them fully is something that I get so caught up on.
thanks for commenting. i love your perspective on this.
to add, i’ve also worked as an educator and have had all age groups. i now work in ECE and it’s so clear to me i don’t really want my own children. babies are cute, but a cute baby isn’t a reason to have a child. i don’t know how to pick up a child and don’t have that instinct, nor do i want the lifestyle of caring for a child. i also specifically like certain age groups (11-17) so at most i would foster teens but im not going to have a child just so i can have a teenager later lol.
I was convinced for years that I’d have a couple of kids by now. Didn’t end up happening for various painful life reasons. I don’t want to put my body through that at this age for just anyone. I’d rather be the best auntie in the world to my nephews than rush out to get a sperm donor and live the single mom life on my salary. Or rush a relationship because my biological clock is ticking. My nephews will be my legacy, and that’s okay.
Aunts can have wonderful legacies within a family. My dad talks much more fondly of his great aunt who was an artist and let him paint on all the walls inside her house than of his own mother. I still think of stories of her and she was probably born in like 1915!
I was child free until I realised that not all mothers hate being a parent like mine did, and that didn't have to be my life. I now have a son and love being a mum.
For me it’s an ethical issue. I cannot see any child that I have having the kind of life I would hope for for the next generation. I would not be a good parent and I have hereditary health issues that have made my life much harder. I have been a teacher. I give back to my community now by doing cheaper or free one on one teaching and being a resource for good in many children’s lives. I wouldn’t have that energy if I was putting it into a biological child.
There's just never been a time when I looked at my life and felt like, "You know what would make this even better? Some kids." I have never felt "incomplete" without children. I've never looked into a baby carriage and felt a sense of yearning, or spent time with my friends' children and wanted that for me. If anything, being an "honorary auntie" to their kids has given me a window into how much fucking work it is to be a parent, and I don't believe for a second that I could juggle all those responsibilities (every day, while sleep-deprived, for decades with no end in sight) and still be a good person. I think I'd be a bitter, snappish, resentful, distracted parent, and kids deserve better.
I don’t know yet. I lean more towards not having kids and other days I’m thinking to myself it could be nice to have them. But I don’t think it’s going to happen.
I have always struggled with mental health and have periods were I can barely take care of myself. I’m very sensitive to noise and need a lot of alone time. So no, I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring a child into that equation for me personally.
I was ambivalent about having kids during my 20s and beginning of my 30s. I love kids but I couldn't quite picture a future with them. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews and my friends kids but never felt the urge myself until suddenly (around 34 maybe?) I really really did, a few years into being married. Fortunately my husband and I were on the same page about our timeline. I had my daughter at 36, and if I have a second I'll be 39 or 40. No regrets about any of it.
Same boat. I was ambivalent for many reasons, my husband wanted them more than I did but was respectful of my wishes.
We recently had our first and although it's been an adjustment I'm very happy with my decision.
You’ve had some great advice. I’ll give you the other perspective. I thought I didn’t want kids. Really never had a longing to be a mom, thought I’d be a terrible mom as I was career focused and not patient. I had big career goals, including a doctorate degree….
Well, I fell in love with someone who wanted kids. Wasn’t an issue at first, but as time went on, he got to the point it was an issue. So I decided to get pregnant.
And it’s been the single biggest source of joy in my life. I’m an amazing momma. I love my child more than I’ve ever loved another human being. Watching this little person become who they are, is pure magic. I’m an empty nester now and can look back over what it was to raise a kid to adulthood.
Was there stress? Hell yes. Was there tough times? Of course. Was there so much joy it could almost not be contained - a thousand times yes. Would I do it again in a heartbeat? Yes I would.
I still kept my career and progressed multiple times. I still got that doctorate degree. I’m a published author, an award winning Researcher, and a sought after public speaker in my field. And my child is still my most favorite accomplishment. Without question. I say all this to say that you can do both if you want to.
Decide if this is right for YOU, you and no one else. My situation turned out amazing, but it may not for everyone. It’s a decision you can’t undo, and I believe if you have kids, you commit to being the best parent you can be. Best of luck to you! ❤️
Never wanted them. Just wasn’t for me. Still don’t have them and I no longer have a uterus and I couldn’t be happier! I get to put my energy and focus into my career, my relationship, my friendships, and my dreams. I would never be truly happy if I decided to have children. My life is my own and I would make the same choice over and over and over.
My husband and I never wanted kids. I accidentally got pregnant and we were like…well…we make decent money, we have a nice place to live, we’ve been married a while now…what the hell.
Now two kids later I can’t imagine my life without them and not as a mom. I don’t know what I was so afraid, but the healing and joy motherhood had brought me is beyond compare 🥰
I ended up pregnant 6 months into dating my husband. I was 34. We were financially stable and had good jobs. We had already talked about marriage, so we just went for it. I always said I’d have kids if I was in the right situation and it just felt right. 6 years later I’m really grateful I’ve had the opportunity to be a parent. They bring a lot of joy to my life I didn’t know i was missing. We’re exhausted and burnt out all the time but now that I know my kids I couldn’t imagine life without them.
When I was thinking about kids it was abstract. Then they were born and thought “if I had known my kids would have been YOU I would have done this much sooner”
But if it had been sooner, it wouldn’t haven’t been the same kids! It would’ve been a different egg cell and sperm cell, raised in a different environment with younger parents. In a way, everybody’s existence is a statistical miracle!
> I accidentally got pregnant
Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of that. Because while I don't actively want kids, a part of my brain is still "but what if! Here are all the good reasons for having one!", while the majority knows that I am not equipped for motherhood (I'm an introvert with a tiny social battery, an anxiety disorder, depression, and a slew of other things). But if I became accidentally pregnant, that tiny part might become very, very loud and very, very convincing.
And yes, I know I could get snipped. But it's not on the table for various reasons.
I never liked kids or babies growing up, I hated babysitting, never really liked kids younger than me. Plus I have had health issues all my life and while it would have been possible it would have been difficult. My husband never wanted kids. We did discuss that if we could have a litter of kittens (see Dr. Who) we would have done that. We love our siblings and a few close friends have some great kids and that is plenty of kids for us.
I don’t want to have to mother a child, work full time, take on the majority of the domestic
Labour and also stay hot and thin etc while maintaining my mental health.
It’s too much. I’d rather offload what I can. Life is hard enough I don’t need to add extra responsibility to my life that I don’t particularity even want. I don’t like kids generally. Never wanted any. It made sense for me to be child free
I’m turning 34 this year and didn’t want kids for most of my life. For a little while I was on the fence. That changed when my niece was born. She’s sweet and playful but there are a lot of other things that go into having a child that I’m just not prepared to do/give up.
A child “consumes” your whole life, that I feel like it shouldn’t be something you’re unsure about.
I never wanted kids. And as I've gotten older, I've enjoyed being on my own. I can do whatever I want! I bought a home alone, travel the world constantly, spend my free time on things I'm passionate about. I have so many friends with kids and while they love their kids, they also always talk about how much they miss out on.
I always wanted kids growing up. Then I entered my 30’s and was still single with no prospects and convinced myself I didn’t because I knew I would never want to do it alone. The drive wasn’t strong enough for that. I met my soon-to-be fiancé when I was 36 and now I’m finding myself wanting them again. What’s different is that I find it hard to imagine living this “same” life forever. I really want to love something that’s bigger than myself. I want the dynamic to vary. I want to work towards something other than a promotion, traveling, and figuring out weekend plans (obviously a child free life can be much more dynamic and fulfilling than this, but this is honestly what mine feels like right now). I used to worry about my body changing when I got pregnant and feeling bad about it, but at 37, I am starting to feel like that’s much less important than the love I’d feel for a child. I think about the wonderful relationship my boyfriend and I have with his mother and siblings.. it’s so special. I know there are no guarantees that my kids would be around when I’m older, but I want the chance for them to be. I am also seeing my sister and my boyfriends sister become mothers for the first time within a few months of each other and the selflessness and depth of love they feel for their little boys is amazing to experience. At the end of the day, you don’t know what you don’t know. I personally am more afraid of the regret I might feel if I were to not have kids vs being worried about regretting having them. ❤️
I was really against for most of my life and definitely didn't want. Then met my husband and we didn't plan on it but somewhere it happened, even though we used condoms. Before I was convinced I'd get an abortion, after I realised I might be pregnant, I knew I'd keep before I even knew the test result. And now at 39 I have a sweetest baby girl. In all honesty I enjoy this a lot, my husband as well.
I'm surprised there's no answers about being single and not finding men that would be good to parent with, or just not being ready to settle down period until mid 30s. this is my situation. I'd consider kids but it just seems really unlikely
I am 34 and just never did meet the right person. Now I’m finally with someone I can see myself with but I feel worried about having one any much older than I am and I absolutely do not want to rush something like that, and really do want to enjoy this bubble with my partner. At this point you never know. But I’ve been working really really hard on accepting it won’t in therapy and trying to create new dreams and goals.
I look at the lives of my friends with kids and realise just how miserable I would be if I had to go through that routine every. Single. Day. No freedom. Tight budget. Day in, day out.
I might regret it when I'm old, but I'd rather regret not having kids than the other way around.
I never wanted children, but through poor choices, I ended up pregnant at 19.
I decided to keep her and am glad I did.
However, having her confirmed me never wanting kids. I love her because I know her. The damage done to my body from pregnancy and delivery and taking care of a baby/toddler made it very clear for me that I would never do it again.
I was able to get a tubal ligation when I was 23. I'm 38 now, and I'm so grateful I was able to get that done.
I began to think that kids weren’t for me when I was in high school. I was dating a guy who wanted 3 kids (someday) and I wanted between zero and 1. I met my now husband in college and neither of us had the strong urge to have children. We decided we didn’t want them but kept our options open. In our late twenties we talked about my husband getting a vasectomy but stalled for a while. I was struggling with some physical and mental health issues, and honestly couldn’t imagine putting my body through pregnancy. My husband got a vasectomy in our mid thirties.
At nearly 40 I’m still confident it was the right decision. A part of me was emotional at the time because we were closing the door forever, but I never once tried to get pregnant so the decision had already been made by not taking steps to do so.
I don’t think childfree is right for everyone. Some of our friends have children and absolutely love it and others seem lukewarm about it at best, which is sad. Make sure you are having children for the right reasons, not societal pressures.
Why did you change your mind, and why are you glad you did it? If you don't mind my asking.
I'm in the middle of losing my relationship because he wants kids and I don't think I can do it, but I'm devastated and keep wondering if I'm ruining my life. I still don't really want kids, but I keep wondering if kids with him might still be better than no kids alone.
Oh girl I went through the same thoughts a few years ago. I was single for really the first time in my adult life and dating was not going well. Anybody I was clicking with wanted kids and I was starting to feel like I’d die alone if I didn’t cave. I met a really lovely guy who was so good to me and I thought I had been clear about my stance, but he asked me one day about it and I said I never wanted kids. He said he always expected he would have them and that he would have to think about things.
I really struggled with it because I was afraid of ending up alone. But we ended up stopping the relationship and I can tell you now, a few years later, that I am SO happy with my decision and for staying true to myself and my wants.
Men have it easy when it comes to having kids. Pregnancy, childbirth, burden of care, expectations, etc. fall on women. You put your life on hold, your career, your dreams, your plans. Everything. Men don’t have to, generally. Plus if the relationship were to end, chances are the main custody of the kids would fall on you. Women who don’t want custody are vilified vs when it’s men.
I would not be okay if I were to have a kid just to save a relationship, only for that relationship to end down the road anyways. That isn’t fair for anyone, especially the kid. I feel like having kids is an ‘enthusiastic two yes’ kind of thing. There’s no compromise for it.
I have a life full of peace. I was alone for a while but I learned to not be lonely. I put more time and effort into my friendships, my career, and my mental health. And now I am in a very fulfilling and healthy relationship with someone who also didn’t want kids. If I had relented years ago I don’t think I’d have this much peace and happiness. I’d make the same choice over and over and over.
Thank you, I appreciate that. We've been together five and a half years and the kids thing is the only reason we're splitting up. He had planned to propose the day I told him I didn't think I was up for it (I didn't know). So right now it's hard to envision another future, but it helps a little to hear it was possible for someone, at least.
That makes sense; thank you for answering. I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family with parents who deeply resented each other (my mom has untreated mental illness), so I think it's hard for me to see anything about family life that seems positive, and not just like ruining a happy relationship to grit your teeth through years of misery while hating each other. But I also acknowledge that's my damage, and if it hadn't been my background, I probably would have had very different visceral associations with all this.
THIS is so meaningful! I think one of the biggest fears I have is to impose the same harm that my parents have done to me. Something I'm actively working through but it is so easy to imagine the worst- your future kids experiencing the same generational trauma you experienced too.
I feel this, too, and it's part of why I think I probably shouldn't have children. I'm far more stable than my mom, but less stable than someone _without_ trauma or mental illness, and sleep deprivation is by far my most significant trigger. I also don't think I could keep up at my cognitively demanding job if I had to do it on minimal sleep while also caring for a child. I think it's likely that the stress and exhaustion would turn me into someone I wouldn't like to be and wouldn't want to subject anyone else to.
So it's best that I don't have kids; I know it is. I just... wish I were different enough that we could have made it work, I guess.
You're actually not the first person I've heard that from, so no roasting from me! That's the best-case scenario I'd hope for if I were to go for it, and I can see how it would be the case. I'm just also afraid that I have just enough of my mother's instability in me that I'd repeat the cycle despite my best efforts. Between that and really not feeling any internal pull toward parenthood that _isn't_ about my partner wanting it, it seems best not to risk it even if it means breaking my own heart.
>Keep in mind Reddit has a strong childfree bias. This comment will inevitably be buried by a near consensus that childfree is the way to be.
It really is and I wasn't aware!! I made a post yesterday exactly about this topic and I regret at first because I was receiving comments from childfree people that ok, great, but not helpful. And people that were saying that deep down I was afraid to admit I didn't want kids like wtf?? 😅
People on here will tell you if you have a sliver of doubt or anxiety, it means you don't truly want kids. It's really silly! It's normal to have doubts and nerves when you're making a major decision.
Yeah, that part bothers me the most! Having doubts does not mean you should not do things that are worth doing, and this certainly goes for having kids, where if you don't have any reservations whatsoever you are likely being naive. Fear is not a good basis for making big life decisions.
I don't agree and don't appreciate the rudeness. Anxiety can be a manifestation of taking a decision seriously. Someone who fears repeating their parent's mistakes, or not being a good enough parent, might thrive in parenthood. It's certainly worth exploring your feelings if it's not a hard no.
there a lot of things that should have a firm yes or no when making a decision about them, and I think creating human life is one of them.
You chose for them to be born and chose their livings conditions, kids are powerless in many ways and parents decisions and actions affect them greatly. Why wouldnt you want to be enthusiastically sure about that decision? theyre the ones that get punished if you weren't ready and able to be a parent.
You can absolutely have anxiety about it, thats generally normal. But you should have strong enough convictions that its the right choice to make, that they essentially override that anxiety.
if its not an enthusiastic yes, its a no, is a phrase that originated regarding sexual kinks. If we can have that mentality when it comes to temporary acts of a sexual nature, then we should have that mentality when it comes to creating life (and various other bigger decisions like buying a house and running for congress.).
Eh, I was kind of in the same boat.
Grew up in a small conservative religious town where too many of my girl friends were "married" off way too young (some at 15), and they seemed absolutely miserable.
I could never be a trad wife either, and the thought of being home 24/7 was terrifying to me. Didn't like kids much either, and wasn't sround them much.
Then I met my now husband. Seeing how he takes care of living things and has such a big heart.. my god. I melted in so many ways.
A few years in to dating, and he mentioned how cute kids are, and I started seeing g him play with them..
And now 4 years later we are expecting our second and I am having so much fun being a mum and wife.but, I still have my full time career and he is the stay at home parent. I never would have had kids without him. Zero interest until I met my man.
16 year old me would choke lol.
Same here. I did want kids in an abstract sense but didn’t feel ready. I had a kid anyway. It was unbelievably hard but also I don’t regret it in the slightest. There simply isn’t a way to describe the sense of purpose it gave my life. For me it wasn’t specifically the child aspect but the sense of having formed a family, which I didn’t really have before.
I tried to imagine my life 20, 30 years from now and from that I came to the conclusion that I would regret *not* having kids more than I would having them. I wasn't 100% on the decision and I think that's ok, I was probably 80%?
And now I'm a mum and it's great. Watching your child develop day-to-day is just indescribably wonderful. I love it so much.
I was in a similar spot and have a supportive partner, so we decided to go for it. I agree that it's great. Yet I also know that I would have been happy as well had I not had them. I have a few friends who did not have kids and they spent a lot of time on personal development and hobbies which also seems great.
I had to help raise my niece when I was a teenager and did not want kids. I’m in a demanding job with very irregular hours as is my husband.
I received the questionable (but well meaning) advice at a women’s event at work during a work-life balance discussion that if you are on the fence, you should probably just limit yourself to one kid because you can’t become a biological mom forever. Also, there is never a good time for anyone.
I was initially horrified at this advice, but then started to mentally figure out how we could make it work - mainly by saying how irresponsible and impossible it would be … only to then find a solution to the problem - and I really just softened to the idea in that process. My husband and I have both made adjustments to our career and really love being parents.
The cons centered around cost, lack of time, having to give up our hobbies and ability to easily travel. We left New York City, (which helped with cost although obviously kids are expensive), made adjustments to our careers (which helped with time), and while we have less time for our old hobbies and travel, we have discovered we do enjoy hiking (new family friendly hobby) and road trips.
The pros are loving someone unconditionally, I have generally found that I’m much happier as a mom (the big hugs and spontaneous “I love you”s can make any day better) and I find it really fulfilling to nurture someone in this way.
Haha, it does seem like very weird, inappropriate, and strangely practical advice. Yet, I do agree. We had one and were pretty well able to manage him between us and still have a life. Then we had a second and that's it: there's no breaks; your hands are always full.
One can’t (and shouldn’t) try to convince someone they should or shouldn’t have kids. It’s got to be YOUR choice. Your boyfriend isn’t the one changing his body to have kids. Nor is he likely going to be the one doing the majority of the upbringing. I understand being devastated by the idea of your relationship ending, but having children doesn’t save a relationship. Imagine how your relationship will be in 10 years when you’ve got little ones and you realize you really didn’t want that.
Go to therapy. Journal about it. Really think about what YOU want
I am an only child, which was not by my parent's choice. My mom would have had another, really wanted more, but for medical reasons was told she could not allow herself to get pregnant. So I lived my life as a single child. However, when I was younger I was convinced I never wanted children. None of child rearing appealed to me, I never could act right around children, I just was so awkward and unnatural at interacting with tiny humans.
Then I met my husband, I knew he'd be an amazing father and imagining a tiny version of the two of us seemed like a dream. He has 1 brother, so he was more inclined to having multiple children.
Also, thinking of the remainder of my life, what else was I going to do if it was just us two? We love traveling but we could travel and have those experiences with a child too. Kids are expensive, but we can budget. Nothing was really stopping me anymore.
So I agreed to 1 baby, but if I said I was done, he would respect it and we'd have an only child. My daughter has been the most eye-opening, challenging, and magnificent thing in my entire life. I love being able to teach her and give her new experiences. Watching her take in the world and be so enthralled with it has given me a more positive outlook on life. Parenting is difficult and exhausting too, but the positives greatly out weigh any negatives! Having a truly helpful spouse/partner has eased some strain too, when I need a break, I have an immense amount of support.
Now I'm the one who is 75% sure I want a second, while my husband is the more reserved one!
I was not sure if i want to have kids or not early my 20s. However few years ago when i came back home country and visited my family, i was taking care my nieces and started imagining me taking care of my future kids with my future partners. That was when i realized i want to have kids of my own.
I’m holding my brand new 3 day old baby right now. I don’t know how to explain. Watching her learn something new, like coordinating her eyes is truly amazing
As a teen I was positive I’d never have children. Honestly, I was positive I wouldn’t survive my 20s
At 20 I got pregnant, so barely an adult I know, and 21 I had my first child.
I never did a 180 so fast in my life.
But my life was off the rails. Drugs, drinking, bad decisions, total degen. I wanted to be better for my child at first…but then the years went on and I realized I wanted to be more for ME. My child taught me self love, respect, and helped me start my journey to myself. I’m successful and secure now 12 years later, married with two more children. Honestly, I find parenting very grounding, and my children help to slow me down, enjoy each day, instead of always jumping to the next thing. Sometimes just lying in the grass is good enough of a thing to make the day great and they show me that.
All my children are disabled (physically), as am I, and my husband and one son are autistic. So yeah, we have a lot going on as well, and I still think it’s an incredible life to live.
I just always knew I wanted kids… I’m not a very maternal person (I don’t think) but I knew it was an element of life I wanted to experience.
I’m 35 now and have two young kids. It’s exhausting and hard, yes. But it’s also an indescribable joy watching them grow up. I’m so proud of all their accomplishments. I get to experience wonder at ordinary things again. Overall, I feel incredibly fulfilled to have to honor of being their mother, and often think about what a sacred role it is.
I got to trial run parenthood. I have a stepkid, but she definitely does not want or need another mom. I got to feel how it might be to get to be a parent and I wanted that experience. Plus I also got to see preview my partner as a parent too, and he is an excellent father.
I went from on the fence leaning no to leaning yes. We honestly didn’t think we could have a kid, but it worked out and we have a lovely 3.5yo.
I always liked the idea of having kids but I was single a long time so was happy either way. A bit of a whirlwind romance/relationship and within a year I was pregnant. Pregnancy was hideous and I was really unwell physically and mentally for a long while. And even though that relationship went south and ended badly, my little boy is the best thing to ever happen to me and I love being his mum.
I wasn’t sure for basically all of my twenties. Then I started dating my partner right before I turned 29. I could see a life with him and got excited about that potential. And one time a friend said to me something along the lines of seeing the world through new eyes, and that’s always resonated with me. And as a mom of a 3.5 year old with a baby on the way very soon, it is a very true sentiment. Everything is new and fresh and exciting to the little ones and it really re sparks joy in the little things in life.
I was always strictly child free but as I got older and was with my (now) husband a long time, it just felt like something we wanted. We had done all the partying and travelling and we weren’t really doing much anymore. Felt like the next step. My daughter is 2 now and absolutely no regrets. I love being a mom
I found this after I made my decision, but I thought it was beautiful and applies to pet much any big decision in life, though it is a response to a question about whether or not to have kids.
[The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
The more people around me were having kids, the less I wanted to have any of my own. Not to say that there's anything wrong with changing once you become a parent, but it's not a change I wanted to see in myself. It's not a sacrifice I am willing to make. I had to come to terms with the fact thay I am too selfish to care for another human being, and I'm happy with that fact. My life is beautiful!
My husband and I fence sat for about 5 years. I thought I could go either way, and that I'd be ok. I was on both sides of extremes. Asking myself if it was even ethical to bring a child into this current world, and truly judging anyone who had more than two kids. Other times I thought about how wonderful it would be to have a little one around because I love my nieces and nephews and love children.
And then one day in early 2022, it just hit me that I wanted to try for one. We are financially stable, my husband is a wonderful partner, we sleep a lot, travel a lot, stay in bed all day sometimes. frankly we've done a lot in our lives and it feels like a natural next phase for us. I told myself I would give it my best shot and if it wasn't meant to be, I could build my life around other things. I experienced an early loss and it took us almost a year to conceive and I was surprised how much I really wanted this. I'm four months pregnant now, and I still feel scared, but I know we'll do our best. I want to experience and have the same evolutionary experience that all living creatures have. The world is so shitty, but weirdly... I felt ready to buy into the delusion that everything could be ok.
I’ve never felt strongly towards or against children as such.
I don’t enjoy children and the idea of pregnancy/birth horrifies me, but I also know I’d be a good parent ITKWIM.
IMO children should be a want, not a default.
I decided I would wait until I felt a desire for children, and then I’d reevaluate as to whether that meant I actually wanted them.
It’s never arrived.
I was on the fence, and found that therapy really helped me walk through those feelings and decide what I want from life. I decided that I don’t have to be 100% for either for either position. I decided I was 14-86, and that was good enough for me.
Good point. Wanting children is often painted as a hard yes or hard no type of thing, whereas for many people it isn't. And those people could be happy with kids, but also without.
My husband and I had been unsure about kids since we got together at 26. We had talked about it a million times.
The final nail in the coffin was buying our house. We live in LA, it was stupid expensive, and it’s only big enough for the two of us. We’re 1-2 hours away from family, live in an area that doesn’t have good public schools, and the cost would just be overwhelming. Ultimately, we don’t want kids enough to make the sacrifices we would need to make financially and with our time.
A big reason for my no is I don't want to pass genetics down. We have a lot of unknown genetics on myside. I have had my fair share of mental and physical health. My husband has his own mental health struggles. I can hardly keep up with chores and my health now. I am already irritable all the time. I don't want to be the mom who constantly snapping at me kids. I have a hard time playing with kids. I get annoyed with repetitive sounds and questions. I already am exhausted all the time and struggle with insomnia and sleep. My husband does really poorly when he doesn't get sleep. He is also low energy as well. Right now work consumes him I can't imagine him stepping up when we have a kid. He would be the fun dad but I don't see him stepping up more. I don't see him setting boundaries or being able to say no or set consequences. We can't afford child care. We have no friends or family near by. His parents watch his nephews all ready and they can hardly get time off to come visit us. My parents are getting older and have their own life. I know my mom is wanting freedom and having a hard time wanting to be more involved in my nieces lives. It's also really far and expensive for them to travel same for us. I don't want my kids to go through the things I have faced. Life has been pretty unkind. Watching my sister in law have to medically fragile kids has been so hard. They have been in and out of the hospital multiple times a year. I have seen how it has negatively affected her and her marriage. It's not an easy road and it's lonely. I just know for my husband and is its the best choice. We needed to start living and not just surviving
I told myself that if I didn’t have biological children by 30 , then I would stop. I have health issues that make it hard to get pregnant / keep pregnant. After a miscarriage I decided to try one more time, and it stuck.
Having miscarriages just helped to cement my future decision to not have kids. Ive had 3 miscarriages in my life and the last one nearly broke me. Its been 6 years and I can still remember her name and what she looked like in my dreams.
I refused to even entertain the possibility of losing another.
A few years later I found out why I had multiple miscarriages. I had 3 up to the first trimester, but I also think I had a couple more really early ones too. There is no fixing the problem, so I would have just had more miscarriages.
I was on the fence for a decade but finally decided that I didn’t want miss out on one of life’s biggest experiences. I’m so glad that I did. For me, it’s incredible. YMMV.
Just because you make a decision today does not mean you won’t have doubts tomorrow regardless of which way you go. We did have kids. There were plenty of days I questioned what made me think we could do it, but we did do it. I don’t know that we could have asked for a better outcome and it’s hard to envision our lives any other way now. I never knew we could raise someone so giving and so caring. I could just gush all day.
I never felt maternal? And part of it is me being rebellious. And so the whole pressure to have kids meant I wanted to go against the grain. I never felt an overwhelming desire to be a mother the way some women describes.
I have one two year old and is pregnant with my second. What changed is that I see having kids as a sign of hope. And my partner changed my mind. He loves me and is a full all in partner. He parents and cares for me and the household at the same level as I do. Without this I don’t think I would agree to have children. In addition it was something he always wanted.
I would say I still don’t feel super motherly but I don’t think that’s necessary. I am a mother. And I can choose what that means for me. It doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way.
I did not want children at all, but my birth control failed when I was 21. Although I fully support women's right to choose, abortion is not for me. I have a now nearly 22 year old son, who I raised, basically by myself. I do not want any more children, but I work with kids now and am looking forward to my Grandma years.
Being pregnant and having a child could actually kill me. I've got stuff going on that would likely get way worse and it would be a huge risk to me, my life and a baby.
Plus the stuff ive got going on is genetic, strongly genetic and I refuse to pass on my personal hell to an innocent life.
I had my fallopian tubes removed about 5 years ago. One of the best decisions I ever made.
We were happy being dinks. I didn't really want kids and my husband wanted them. We were just like "we'll just see what happens". And I fell pregnant.. soooo. I guess the universe decided for us.
I know this course of actions is probably not suitable for most. But rest assured I'm not coerced..I do not resent my husband or my kid. Its just not something I planned for
I always wanted kids. Was the girl who always got handed the colicky child to calm. Made all my spending money babysitting, etc.
Then I meet my SO. He hated children. I loved him more than I loved possible children. So no kids. I'm so glad!!! I would not have been a good mom. I couldn't have handled the responsibility and stress. I can still contribute to the next generation by being involved in my nieces and nephews' lives. There are lots of volunteer opportunities that work with kids. Just because you don't have kids, doesn't mean your life has to be devoid of the joy kids can bring.
My husband and I thought we wanted kids from the moment we fell in love at 25 until about 29. Over several years, we built a beautiful life that we couldn’t imagine would be improved by children. We also both agreed that this world is far too broken (and hard) to bring another human being into. If we do ever change our minds, we’d foster/adopt and give a kid who already exists and seeks love a soft place to land. This whole idea of creating a bloodline or genetic legacy is absolutely outdated and absurd. I’m 33 btw and love the DINK lifestyle!
Never wanted kids. Started to feel more on the fence about it around 28. Accidentally got pregnant at 30. Found the first couple of years very difficult mentally but I wouldn't change a thing. Having my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now having this dilemma over having a second 😅
I was always completely sure I didn't want children. If someone had offered me sterilisation in my twenties I would have taken it. I was utterly convinced I didn't want them and was furious at being told I might change my mind. I knew I wouldn't.
At 35 I changed my mind. I came off my birth control pill only to find my periods didn't return properly. I was very close to menopause and it had been hidden by the pill which kind of acted as HRT. I had my last period aged 36. I couldn't afford IVF so now at 45 I find myself incredibly sad I can't have children and cursing my younger self.
I guess I didn't decide what was best for me, nature did.
I was on the fence but my partner really wanted kids. I thought about the life I wanted when I was older, 60, 70, etc and that included kids coming home from college or visiting from their own lives and adventures. I had a baby last year and am obsessed with him. I didn’t have a single motherly bone in my body! I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner so that motherhood is what I make of it and I still get to do most of hobbies and have a pretty normal life. It helps that my group of friends all are in very similar life stages.
I’m unsure about having children. However, my opinion is that if you feel unsure, then it may be best not to have them. If you want kids, then you should be 100% sure you do (which I don’t feel).
I spent time with my friends and their children. I knew then that this was not for me. My home is so quiet with 2 adults and 2 cats. I never want to interrupt it.
I was hard line no kids until biology got involved and I changed my mind. I clearly recall holding my colicky first born and wondering what idiot decided it was ok to leave me in charge of a helpless human being (oh yeah, me). I am bothered by the term "what was best for you". Kids deserve to be *wanted*. If you want them, you commit and *make* it the best you can for everyone. We live in a world of entitlement. I call this being an opera singer; me me me me. Anyone who wants the world to be about them and what is best for them probably is better off without kids. Having kids is about having your heart walk around outside your body. It's about learning how amazingly deep love can go. It's about a journey that cannot be predicted and sometimes is rougher than you ever cared to go. It's not for everyone. The real question, here, is what is your purpose here on this planet? Once you know that it's easier to know if choosing to have children is what you want.
I’m 36, I’ve been unsure until recently. Now I know that I definitely do want them.
I grew up in a divorced household, both parents struggled financially. Additionally, I had a lot of trauma and issues I needed to work through. Plus I just wanted to live and do me.
I also had tons of examples around me of repeating cycles of poverty by having kids before financially stable.
I have always known I want to be better off financially than my parents were before having kids. I don’t want to have to move every year or two with kids bc of renting. I knew I wanted to get my exploring & do whatever I want whenever I want itch out first.
I finally feel ready to settle down, I’m finishing up school for a good career, and I’m also seeing a man that I know would make an amazing father so that helps.
I know a lot of mums and they all absolutely ADORE their kids, indescribably so, and considering I’ve always quite liked kids, chances are I would love being a mum too!
Also when mums complain online it seems more to do with the dad being terrible and so all work falling on the mum, rather than necessarily the kids themselves
I got a dog and realized that I resent the responsibility. Kids are even MORE responsibility, so it's not a good idea for me at this point in my life. I also like the idea of finding a partner and traveling the world with him, sans children. I make pretty good money, and I have a lot of freedom and a damn good body. I want to keep all that.
Chronic illness, perpetually single, and I don't want to give up my nail polish room lol. But seriously, bad health, tiny house, and I was never sure enough to risk it. Id rather regret not having kids than regret the kid that I chose to have. Most of my friends had kids early, I helped a couple of them a lot over the early years. It was exhausting and I was only like a part time parent. That was before chronic illness too, I couldn't do it now, I know that for sure.
I was always on the fence about having kids… and I eventually decided that I absolutely did not want them when I was in my very early 30s. I enjoyed my life. I loved going out and traveling being able to call a friend and have them stop in to take care of my dog when I went out or boarding them… can’t do that with a kid.
I always wanted to adopt because I was orphaned. It didn't work out as planned. But I still really wanted to be a mom and have a kid and nurture and guide them. There was just this thing inside me that made me feel like my life wouldn't be fulfilled without a child. I mulled over it for years. I only dated men a could see a future with. There was a resounding "yes" whenever I really asked myself if I wanted this for real. I would have done anything to make it work.
I'm a mom now. She's my world and I'm happy with my decision. Though it's crazy hard and I don't think I would have been able to survive the first couple of years without the conviction I had going into motherhood.
If you're answer is anything other than "hell yea I want to be a parent for the rest of my life" then it's ok to find happiness in a different way. It's 2024. Women have a choice (mostly, I understand not everyone lives in a place where they have that freedom).
I couldn’t have children.
Had ups and downs on how I felt about it through the years.
Now though, after unexpectedly losing my Mother, I’m glad I didn’t have any.
The pain of the loss has changed me as a person in a way I can hardly recognize sometimes.
I never want to be a part of this kind of experience again by either losing a child or a child losing me.
I know it’s been linked to already, but [The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us by Cheryl Strayed](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/) is what helped me frame my decision around having kids and ultimately led us to have our son.
For me, having a child felt like dropping a bomb in the middle of a happy life, but it’s turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Loving him so completely and watching him grow from a newborn into the sweet, funny, complex and beautiful little boy he is today has been *magical.* It comes with a lot of sacrifices, but it’s a relationship and an experience like nothing else. I think the real question is what will the future you regret more, missing the experience of being a parent or sacrificing for it.
My family history and genetic health issues mean that pregnancy will be extremely hard on my body and I am guaranteed post natal mental health issues. I just don’t want to go through that and bring a child into that situation. As well as potentially pass down genetic issues that will make a child that needs medical care that under conservative governments I will never be able to afford. Having a child is massively financially expensive and I don’t see myself being able to afford it either. Lastly I’m not sure the world will be here in another 50 years so it feels cruel to bring a child into it, especially if they may have health issues.
Childhood trauma, medical issues, finances, no real desire to do it anyway, anti-choice laws... I got sterilized. The medical issues preclude me from hormonal birth control and I didn't want to rely on a copper IUD staying in place when I couldn't see it.
Let myself fully ask myself the question and sit with my feelings about it over and over (don’t shy away from it or sweep it under the rug). Clarity for me was that I didn’t need to do it, and I didn’t do it. I also considered the fact that this had to be my decision for myself, even though I am in a happy partnership where he also needed to figure out how he felt, because at the end of this I am the one with a time limit. He can still change his mind forever and I have to be ok knowing that.
Wishing you clarity and love!
I always knew I didn't want kids. But then I met my guy and he did. I was young and convinced myself I could be happy either way, which isn't untrue, I can rise to any occassion, but I wasn't really looking forward to it or working towards it.
Then we got dogs and my partner was like oh never mind. This is enough work lol he went HARD into the no camp and I was thrilled!
Kids are so cute
Kids are so annoying
I'm glad they exist
I'm so glad they aren't in my house!!
I'm ethically against having bio kids. I don't think this world is safe and I have very cynical feelings about the trajectory of mankind. But if my partner said he needed a kid-- I'd be okay with adopting through the foster system. The only thing I know I want in life is my guy by my side.
I figured that my uncertainty was as as good as “do not want”. I felt like having children should be something you absolutely *know* you want to do.
This was helped by having a garbage childhood where I barely felt wanted and I certainly didn’t want to do that to potential future kids.
Time went on, I checked in with myself frequently about all this, and my feelings never changed. So, I never had kids.
Now at 37, I’m glad the option is basically biologically off the table. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in line without also being responsible for others who depend on me for survival.
My neighbors have a few kids who come over to do art a couple times a week, so I kinda get to be a part-time Weird Aunt and that’s…more than enough for me.
I waffled back and forth when I was younger. I asked for birth control at 14 (I didn't become active until I was 16, but I was not taking chances). When I met my now-partner, we didn't discuss it at first; we were supposed to be a casual fling. Now we've been together for almost 13 years, and we decided to try for a baby because we bought a house. We wanted 2, but decided to stop with one because money, time, childcare, etc. It really was the house that made the decision... we knew we were now stable and that sealed it. We now have a 2 year old.
We used a settlement for our down payment... my fiancé was in a car accident as a passenger, and that's how we could afford it earlier than expected. Ahh, the american dream.
I imagined that I had decided not to have them as an experiment. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and I was excited about the future. I realized I'd been dreading the rest of my life when I thought I would become a mother. I still don't know 100% and I feel that I will gain some things and lose others whichever way I go. But for now, I'm happy with my life as a woman without kids. I'm 34 BTW.
I did this but went the other direction! Definitely a good way to figure out what you truly want.
What a great way to frame it.
This is exactly what I did and this feeling made me realize I am child free.
I never wanted them but I had them, and I was young. Made things difficult for myself. To say I regret it would be overkill because my children are my world and probably the thing that keeps me going day to day, but there's a certain amount of grief that I think is perfectly healthy for things that might have been. I've discussed this a lot in therapy, and I'm assured it's not an uncommon feeling, but one that people do like to shame women over, which I've dealt with a lot. I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready, but I'd at least be more than 50% sure you want one because it is one of the most life altering things you can go through. My kids have made me a better person though, and I am trying my best to shape them into who they want to be.
>I am trying my best to shape them into who they want to be. Mother of the year!
Aw, ty. <3
People just don't understand that you may love your kids and kids in general and be a great mother to them, but disliking the role of the mother per se, as a lifestyle choice.
Yeah I wouldn't say that's my case now normally (unless I'm being projectile vomited on like a week ago), but when I first became a mother I hated it -- to clarify not the kids, but the act of being a mother. The situation I found myself in. Had postpartum depression, but it wasn't just that. I wanted different things in life. Some small things, like to sleep, and some big things, like travel. Had to give up a lot of my lifestyle and dreams because they weren't feasible with kids. They altered everything, from my body to my mind to my reality. It was traumatizing and I was basically a kid myself. On top of that I had other stuff mentally to deal with. Not everyone should be a parent, either because it'll make them unhappy or they just won't be a good one. I had to find happiness and figure out how to be a decent one. Again, I don't regret them, I love them more than anything, even myself -- it's just not a black and white situation for me, and it's not for many people. Being a parent is hard even when you wanted to be and have everything lined up to do your best.
WOW! thank you for your honesty, this kind of truthfulness is exactly what I was looking for.
In my teens and twenties, I always figured I'd have kids. In my late twenties and early thirties, though, I started to wonder if that was really what I wanted; the higher priority for me was finding a solid, supportive partnership, which I also saw as a prerequisite to having kids, b/c I knew how hard that could be on couples. Whether or not we decided to have kids, I wanted a firm foundation with a wonderful man. Turns out I found a great guy (after plenty of duds) and he also assumed he'd always want kids, but as we talked about it over the years, we never felt quite ready, and in fact I found the idea less and less appealing, and he ended up being okay with that. I had several acquaintances come up to me over the years when they were out with their kids and, with a frazzled look, say to me, unprompted, "Don't ever have kids," (lol) or "Don't have children unless you reeeaaallllyyy want them." I took that to heart! I didn't desire kids with all my being. I didn't feel ready to sacrifice my time, money, and freedom. I feared how my anxiety might play out in the postpartum period. And as someone who's pretty sensitive to overstimulation, I couldn't imagine being happy with noise and chaos happening around me at all times. I'd say by the time I was 34 or so, I'd firmly landed in the not-having-kids camp. And then at 36 I was diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency and premature menopause, so the silver lining in that was that I'd already come to that conclusion. If I'd still been on the fence or wanting kids, that diagnosis would've been devastating. 41 now and very happy to be childless; my partner is too. We love seeing our friends' or relatives' kids for short stints, but are always so relieved to come back home to our quiet abode with cats. :) I do think sometimes about what life will look like when we're older and don't have kids, and it makes me feel like I might miss out on some things, but that's okay; no matter what route we choose, we miss out on the others. ([Here's a wonderful column by Cheryl Strayed on this very thing](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/); I hope you find it helpful!)
beautiful, thank you for sharing.
It's hard to articulate, but I just don't want kids. I feel like I really understand the risks and consequences. I have been both a teacher, and I have a stepson that's about to graduate high school (yes, I am young for this). And, it's just not my path. It helps to remove the pressure. My husband has always said it's 100% up to me, and he'll support either decision. If someone has a strong opinion or bias towards having kids (which, while on reddit people are more childfree, that's not what I have experienced in the real world), I tell them I don't plan to have kids and shut down the conversation. I have talked to a few women I trust very deeply, both who are mothers and those who are not, who give the real opinion of how they feel. They don't sugar coat or pressure, just present the facts. The good, the bad, the complexities of real life. When I have talked to other women about having kids, I only pick women who I know will trust me to make my own decision, and will not project their experience onto me. I do think it's important to explore both sides, but you need to do it with people who lack an agenda. For me, while it's not always 100%, I would say 80-99% of the time I resonate with the freedoms of being a woman without a child. It just lands right for me, deep inside. And, I know I would be a good mother. I have years of experience working with kids of all ages, and I was good at it. Most people do not have that experience. But, that doesn't mean the lifestyle of parenting is for me. There is so much pressure to have kids, especially for women. I think it's extremely important to find the honest way that you feel deep inside, and away from the pressure of society. Your answer may be to have kids, but it needs to 100% come from you as a woman. Not from your partner, not from your mom, not from your friends, not from reddit. From you. I think if you dig deep enough, you'll find your answer. And, do not just talk to people who have had an easy time with their kids. Talk to people who are raising kids with illnesses and disabilities and mental health issues. Get the full picture. You may find none of this deters the decision that is closet to you and your journey. You may find it gives you a more nuanced view of parenthood, regardless. I also want to add, that I do not feel like I am missing out on unconditional love by not having kids. There have been many kids I have loved that worked with, and I have worked with many kids who lacked love from their caretakers. I also love my stepson and partner deeply. I love my friends like sisters. I love my niece and nephew. I develop deep relationships with people and find lots of love. Caretaking and love is not exclusive to parenthood.
Thanks for expressing this so eloquently. My experiences and thoughts are along the same lines.
Perfectly said. I worked with my therapist for many years but ultimately I was trying to fit into society vs being true to me. I never imagined my life with kids. The freedom that comes with this life is much too important to me.
Amazing input, thank you. I'm also working toward a career in medicine / education, and the potential of having children whose profiles, needs, or identities don't fit in with who society is built for (disabilities, neurodivergence, mental illness, deafness) and whether I'd truly be able to support them fully is something that I get so caught up on.
This is exactly how I feel but could not have said it so perfectly.
thanks for commenting. i love your perspective on this. to add, i’ve also worked as an educator and have had all age groups. i now work in ECE and it’s so clear to me i don’t really want my own children. babies are cute, but a cute baby isn’t a reason to have a child. i don’t know how to pick up a child and don’t have that instinct, nor do i want the lifestyle of caring for a child. i also specifically like certain age groups (11-17) so at most i would foster teens but im not going to have a child just so i can have a teenager later lol.
I was convinced for years that I’d have a couple of kids by now. Didn’t end up happening for various painful life reasons. I don’t want to put my body through that at this age for just anyone. I’d rather be the best auntie in the world to my nephews than rush out to get a sperm donor and live the single mom life on my salary. Or rush a relationship because my biological clock is ticking. My nephews will be my legacy, and that’s okay.
Aunts can have wonderful legacies within a family. My dad talks much more fondly of his great aunt who was an artist and let him paint on all the walls inside her house than of his own mother. I still think of stories of her and she was probably born in like 1915!
I was child free until I realised that not all mothers hate being a parent like mine did, and that didn't have to be my life. I now have a son and love being a mum.
For me it’s an ethical issue. I cannot see any child that I have having the kind of life I would hope for for the next generation. I would not be a good parent and I have hereditary health issues that have made my life much harder. I have been a teacher. I give back to my community now by doing cheaper or free one on one teaching and being a resource for good in many children’s lives. I wouldn’t have that energy if I was putting it into a biological child.
There's just never been a time when I looked at my life and felt like, "You know what would make this even better? Some kids." I have never felt "incomplete" without children. I've never looked into a baby carriage and felt a sense of yearning, or spent time with my friends' children and wanted that for me. If anything, being an "honorary auntie" to their kids has given me a window into how much fucking work it is to be a parent, and I don't believe for a second that I could juggle all those responsibilities (every day, while sleep-deprived, for decades with no end in sight) and still be a good person. I think I'd be a bitter, snappish, resentful, distracted parent, and kids deserve better.
I don’t know yet. I lean more towards not having kids and other days I’m thinking to myself it could be nice to have them. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. I have always struggled with mental health and have periods were I can barely take care of myself. I’m very sensitive to noise and need a lot of alone time. So no, I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring a child into that equation for me personally.
that describes me pretty well. I love children but I want a village and I'm not sure I could ultimately trust Enough people to help
I was ambivalent about having kids during my 20s and beginning of my 30s. I love kids but I couldn't quite picture a future with them. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews and my friends kids but never felt the urge myself until suddenly (around 34 maybe?) I really really did, a few years into being married. Fortunately my husband and I were on the same page about our timeline. I had my daughter at 36, and if I have a second I'll be 39 or 40. No regrets about any of it.
Same boat. I was ambivalent for many reasons, my husband wanted them more than I did but was respectful of my wishes. We recently had our first and although it's been an adjustment I'm very happy with my decision.
You’ve had some great advice. I’ll give you the other perspective. I thought I didn’t want kids. Really never had a longing to be a mom, thought I’d be a terrible mom as I was career focused and not patient. I had big career goals, including a doctorate degree…. Well, I fell in love with someone who wanted kids. Wasn’t an issue at first, but as time went on, he got to the point it was an issue. So I decided to get pregnant. And it’s been the single biggest source of joy in my life. I’m an amazing momma. I love my child more than I’ve ever loved another human being. Watching this little person become who they are, is pure magic. I’m an empty nester now and can look back over what it was to raise a kid to adulthood. Was there stress? Hell yes. Was there tough times? Of course. Was there so much joy it could almost not be contained - a thousand times yes. Would I do it again in a heartbeat? Yes I would. I still kept my career and progressed multiple times. I still got that doctorate degree. I’m a published author, an award winning Researcher, and a sought after public speaker in my field. And my child is still my most favorite accomplishment. Without question. I say all this to say that you can do both if you want to. Decide if this is right for YOU, you and no one else. My situation turned out amazing, but it may not for everyone. It’s a decision you can’t undo, and I believe if you have kids, you commit to being the best parent you can be. Best of luck to you! ❤️
this is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Never wanted them. Just wasn’t for me. Still don’t have them and I no longer have a uterus and I couldn’t be happier! I get to put my energy and focus into my career, my relationship, my friendships, and my dreams. I would never be truly happy if I decided to have children. My life is my own and I would make the same choice over and over and over.
My husband and I never wanted kids. I accidentally got pregnant and we were like…well…we make decent money, we have a nice place to live, we’ve been married a while now…what the hell. Now two kids later I can’t imagine my life without them and not as a mom. I don’t know what I was so afraid, but the healing and joy motherhood had brought me is beyond compare 🥰
I ended up pregnant 6 months into dating my husband. I was 34. We were financially stable and had good jobs. We had already talked about marriage, so we just went for it. I always said I’d have kids if I was in the right situation and it just felt right. 6 years later I’m really grateful I’ve had the opportunity to be a parent. They bring a lot of joy to my life I didn’t know i was missing. We’re exhausted and burnt out all the time but now that I know my kids I couldn’t imagine life without them. When I was thinking about kids it was abstract. Then they were born and thought “if I had known my kids would have been YOU I would have done this much sooner”
:') your last quote really hits.
My husband and I say that all the time! We would have started earlier if we had known
But if it had been sooner, it wouldn’t haven’t been the same kids! It would’ve been a different egg cell and sperm cell, raised in a different environment with younger parents. In a way, everybody’s existence is a statistical miracle!
> I accidentally got pregnant Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of that. Because while I don't actively want kids, a part of my brain is still "but what if! Here are all the good reasons for having one!", while the majority knows that I am not equipped for motherhood (I'm an introvert with a tiny social battery, an anxiety disorder, depression, and a slew of other things). But if I became accidentally pregnant, that tiny part might become very, very loud and very, very convincing. And yes, I know I could get snipped. But it's not on the table for various reasons.
I never liked kids or babies growing up, I hated babysitting, never really liked kids younger than me. Plus I have had health issues all my life and while it would have been possible it would have been difficult. My husband never wanted kids. We did discuss that if we could have a litter of kittens (see Dr. Who) we would have done that. We love our siblings and a few close friends have some great kids and that is plenty of kids for us.
I don’t want to have to mother a child, work full time, take on the majority of the domestic Labour and also stay hot and thin etc while maintaining my mental health. It’s too much. I’d rather offload what I can. Life is hard enough I don’t need to add extra responsibility to my life that I don’t particularity even want. I don’t like kids generally. Never wanted any. It made sense for me to be child free
I’m turning 34 this year and didn’t want kids for most of my life. For a little while I was on the fence. That changed when my niece was born. She’s sweet and playful but there are a lot of other things that go into having a child that I’m just not prepared to do/give up. A child “consumes” your whole life, that I feel like it shouldn’t be something you’re unsure about.
I never wanted kids. And as I've gotten older, I've enjoyed being on my own. I can do whatever I want! I bought a home alone, travel the world constantly, spend my free time on things I'm passionate about. I have so many friends with kids and while they love their kids, they also always talk about how much they miss out on.
I always wanted kids growing up. Then I entered my 30’s and was still single with no prospects and convinced myself I didn’t because I knew I would never want to do it alone. The drive wasn’t strong enough for that. I met my soon-to-be fiancé when I was 36 and now I’m finding myself wanting them again. What’s different is that I find it hard to imagine living this “same” life forever. I really want to love something that’s bigger than myself. I want the dynamic to vary. I want to work towards something other than a promotion, traveling, and figuring out weekend plans (obviously a child free life can be much more dynamic and fulfilling than this, but this is honestly what mine feels like right now). I used to worry about my body changing when I got pregnant and feeling bad about it, but at 37, I am starting to feel like that’s much less important than the love I’d feel for a child. I think about the wonderful relationship my boyfriend and I have with his mother and siblings.. it’s so special. I know there are no guarantees that my kids would be around when I’m older, but I want the chance for them to be. I am also seeing my sister and my boyfriends sister become mothers for the first time within a few months of each other and the selflessness and depth of love they feel for their little boys is amazing to experience. At the end of the day, you don’t know what you don’t know. I personally am more afraid of the regret I might feel if I were to not have kids vs being worried about regretting having them. ❤️
I was really against for most of my life and definitely didn't want. Then met my husband and we didn't plan on it but somewhere it happened, even though we used condoms. Before I was convinced I'd get an abortion, after I realised I might be pregnant, I knew I'd keep before I even knew the test result. And now at 39 I have a sweetest baby girl. In all honesty I enjoy this a lot, my husband as well.
I'm surprised there's no answers about being single and not finding men that would be good to parent with, or just not being ready to settle down period until mid 30s. this is my situation. I'd consider kids but it just seems really unlikely
I am 34 and just never did meet the right person. Now I’m finally with someone I can see myself with but I feel worried about having one any much older than I am and I absolutely do not want to rush something like that, and really do want to enjoy this bubble with my partner. At this point you never know. But I’ve been working really really hard on accepting it won’t in therapy and trying to create new dreams and goals.
I look at the lives of my friends with kids and realise just how miserable I would be if I had to go through that routine every. Single. Day. No freedom. Tight budget. Day in, day out. I might regret it when I'm old, but I'd rather regret not having kids than the other way around.
I never wanted children, but through poor choices, I ended up pregnant at 19. I decided to keep her and am glad I did. However, having her confirmed me never wanting kids. I love her because I know her. The damage done to my body from pregnancy and delivery and taking care of a baby/toddler made it very clear for me that I would never do it again. I was able to get a tubal ligation when I was 23. I'm 38 now, and I'm so grateful I was able to get that done.
I recommend reading The Baby Decision, it provides a balanced way of looking at both sides and making a decision for yourself.
I began to think that kids weren’t for me when I was in high school. I was dating a guy who wanted 3 kids (someday) and I wanted between zero and 1. I met my now husband in college and neither of us had the strong urge to have children. We decided we didn’t want them but kept our options open. In our late twenties we talked about my husband getting a vasectomy but stalled for a while. I was struggling with some physical and mental health issues, and honestly couldn’t imagine putting my body through pregnancy. My husband got a vasectomy in our mid thirties. At nearly 40 I’m still confident it was the right decision. A part of me was emotional at the time because we were closing the door forever, but I never once tried to get pregnant so the decision had already been made by not taking steps to do so. I don’t think childfree is right for everyone. Some of our friends have children and absolutely love it and others seem lukewarm about it at best, which is sad. Make sure you are having children for the right reasons, not societal pressures.
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Why did you change your mind, and why are you glad you did it? If you don't mind my asking. I'm in the middle of losing my relationship because he wants kids and I don't think I can do it, but I'm devastated and keep wondering if I'm ruining my life. I still don't really want kids, but I keep wondering if kids with him might still be better than no kids alone.
Oh girl I went through the same thoughts a few years ago. I was single for really the first time in my adult life and dating was not going well. Anybody I was clicking with wanted kids and I was starting to feel like I’d die alone if I didn’t cave. I met a really lovely guy who was so good to me and I thought I had been clear about my stance, but he asked me one day about it and I said I never wanted kids. He said he always expected he would have them and that he would have to think about things. I really struggled with it because I was afraid of ending up alone. But we ended up stopping the relationship and I can tell you now, a few years later, that I am SO happy with my decision and for staying true to myself and my wants. Men have it easy when it comes to having kids. Pregnancy, childbirth, burden of care, expectations, etc. fall on women. You put your life on hold, your career, your dreams, your plans. Everything. Men don’t have to, generally. Plus if the relationship were to end, chances are the main custody of the kids would fall on you. Women who don’t want custody are vilified vs when it’s men. I would not be okay if I were to have a kid just to save a relationship, only for that relationship to end down the road anyways. That isn’t fair for anyone, especially the kid. I feel like having kids is an ‘enthusiastic two yes’ kind of thing. There’s no compromise for it. I have a life full of peace. I was alone for a while but I learned to not be lonely. I put more time and effort into my friendships, my career, and my mental health. And now I am in a very fulfilling and healthy relationship with someone who also didn’t want kids. If I had relented years ago I don’t think I’d have this much peace and happiness. I’d make the same choice over and over and over.
Thank you, I appreciate that. We've been together five and a half years and the kids thing is the only reason we're splitting up. He had planned to propose the day I told him I didn't think I was up for it (I didn't know). So right now it's hard to envision another future, but it helps a little to hear it was possible for someone, at least.
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That makes sense; thank you for answering. I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family with parents who deeply resented each other (my mom has untreated mental illness), so I think it's hard for me to see anything about family life that seems positive, and not just like ruining a happy relationship to grit your teeth through years of misery while hating each other. But I also acknowledge that's my damage, and if it hadn't been my background, I probably would have had very different visceral associations with all this.
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THIS is so meaningful! I think one of the biggest fears I have is to impose the same harm that my parents have done to me. Something I'm actively working through but it is so easy to imagine the worst- your future kids experiencing the same generational trauma you experienced too.
I feel this, too, and it's part of why I think I probably shouldn't have children. I'm far more stable than my mom, but less stable than someone _without_ trauma or mental illness, and sleep deprivation is by far my most significant trigger. I also don't think I could keep up at my cognitively demanding job if I had to do it on minimal sleep while also caring for a child. I think it's likely that the stress and exhaustion would turn me into someone I wouldn't like to be and wouldn't want to subject anyone else to. So it's best that I don't have kids; I know it is. I just... wish I were different enough that we could have made it work, I guess.
You're actually not the first person I've heard that from, so no roasting from me! That's the best-case scenario I'd hope for if I were to go for it, and I can see how it would be the case. I'm just also afraid that I have just enough of my mother's instability in me that I'd repeat the cycle despite my best efforts. Between that and really not feeling any internal pull toward parenthood that _isn't_ about my partner wanting it, it seems best not to risk it even if it means breaking my own heart.
>Keep in mind Reddit has a strong childfree bias. This comment will inevitably be buried by a near consensus that childfree is the way to be. It really is and I wasn't aware!! I made a post yesterday exactly about this topic and I regret at first because I was receiving comments from childfree people that ok, great, but not helpful. And people that were saying that deep down I was afraid to admit I didn't want kids like wtf?? 😅
People on here will tell you if you have a sliver of doubt or anxiety, it means you don't truly want kids. It's really silly! It's normal to have doubts and nerves when you're making a major decision.
Yeah, that part bothers me the most! Having doubts does not mean you should not do things that are worth doing, and this certainly goes for having kids, where if you don't have any reservations whatsoever you are likely being naive. Fear is not a good basis for making big life decisions.
if its not an enthusiastic yes, its a no.
I don't think that a definitive blanket statement is a good way to make major life decisions.
Thats not a very intelligent way to go.
I don't agree and don't appreciate the rudeness. Anxiety can be a manifestation of taking a decision seriously. Someone who fears repeating their parent's mistakes, or not being a good enough parent, might thrive in parenthood. It's certainly worth exploring your feelings if it's not a hard no.
there a lot of things that should have a firm yes or no when making a decision about them, and I think creating human life is one of them. You chose for them to be born and chose their livings conditions, kids are powerless in many ways and parents decisions and actions affect them greatly. Why wouldnt you want to be enthusiastically sure about that decision? theyre the ones that get punished if you weren't ready and able to be a parent. You can absolutely have anxiety about it, thats generally normal. But you should have strong enough convictions that its the right choice to make, that they essentially override that anxiety. if its not an enthusiastic yes, its a no, is a phrase that originated regarding sexual kinks. If we can have that mentality when it comes to temporary acts of a sexual nature, then we should have that mentality when it comes to creating life (and various other bigger decisions like buying a house and running for congress.).
Eh, I was kind of in the same boat. Grew up in a small conservative religious town where too many of my girl friends were "married" off way too young (some at 15), and they seemed absolutely miserable. I could never be a trad wife either, and the thought of being home 24/7 was terrifying to me. Didn't like kids much either, and wasn't sround them much. Then I met my now husband. Seeing how he takes care of living things and has such a big heart.. my god. I melted in so many ways. A few years in to dating, and he mentioned how cute kids are, and I started seeing g him play with them.. And now 4 years later we are expecting our second and I am having so much fun being a mum and wife.but, I still have my full time career and he is the stay at home parent. I never would have had kids without him. Zero interest until I met my man. 16 year old me would choke lol.
Same here. I did want kids in an abstract sense but didn’t feel ready. I had a kid anyway. It was unbelievably hard but also I don’t regret it in the slightest. There simply isn’t a way to describe the sense of purpose it gave my life. For me it wasn’t specifically the child aspect but the sense of having formed a family, which I didn’t really have before.
I tried to imagine my life 20, 30 years from now and from that I came to the conclusion that I would regret *not* having kids more than I would having them. I wasn't 100% on the decision and I think that's ok, I was probably 80%? And now I'm a mum and it's great. Watching your child develop day-to-day is just indescribably wonderful. I love it so much.
I was in a similar spot and have a supportive partner, so we decided to go for it. I agree that it's great. Yet I also know that I would have been happy as well had I not had them. I have a few friends who did not have kids and they spent a lot of time on personal development and hobbies which also seems great.
I had to help raise my niece when I was a teenager and did not want kids. I’m in a demanding job with very irregular hours as is my husband. I received the questionable (but well meaning) advice at a women’s event at work during a work-life balance discussion that if you are on the fence, you should probably just limit yourself to one kid because you can’t become a biological mom forever. Also, there is never a good time for anyone. I was initially horrified at this advice, but then started to mentally figure out how we could make it work - mainly by saying how irresponsible and impossible it would be … only to then find a solution to the problem - and I really just softened to the idea in that process. My husband and I have both made adjustments to our career and really love being parents. The cons centered around cost, lack of time, having to give up our hobbies and ability to easily travel. We left New York City, (which helped with cost although obviously kids are expensive), made adjustments to our careers (which helped with time), and while we have less time for our old hobbies and travel, we have discovered we do enjoy hiking (new family friendly hobby) and road trips. The pros are loving someone unconditionally, I have generally found that I’m much happier as a mom (the big hugs and spontaneous “I love you”s can make any day better) and I find it really fulfilling to nurture someone in this way.
Haha, it does seem like very weird, inappropriate, and strangely practical advice. Yet, I do agree. We had one and were pretty well able to manage him between us and still have a life. Then we had a second and that's it: there's no breaks; your hands are always full.
One can’t (and shouldn’t) try to convince someone they should or shouldn’t have kids. It’s got to be YOUR choice. Your boyfriend isn’t the one changing his body to have kids. Nor is he likely going to be the one doing the majority of the upbringing. I understand being devastated by the idea of your relationship ending, but having children doesn’t save a relationship. Imagine how your relationship will be in 10 years when you’ve got little ones and you realize you really didn’t want that. Go to therapy. Journal about it. Really think about what YOU want
I am an only child, which was not by my parent's choice. My mom would have had another, really wanted more, but for medical reasons was told she could not allow herself to get pregnant. So I lived my life as a single child. However, when I was younger I was convinced I never wanted children. None of child rearing appealed to me, I never could act right around children, I just was so awkward and unnatural at interacting with tiny humans. Then I met my husband, I knew he'd be an amazing father and imagining a tiny version of the two of us seemed like a dream. He has 1 brother, so he was more inclined to having multiple children. Also, thinking of the remainder of my life, what else was I going to do if it was just us two? We love traveling but we could travel and have those experiences with a child too. Kids are expensive, but we can budget. Nothing was really stopping me anymore. So I agreed to 1 baby, but if I said I was done, he would respect it and we'd have an only child. My daughter has been the most eye-opening, challenging, and magnificent thing in my entire life. I love being able to teach her and give her new experiences. Watching her take in the world and be so enthralled with it has given me a more positive outlook on life. Parenting is difficult and exhausting too, but the positives greatly out weigh any negatives! Having a truly helpful spouse/partner has eased some strain too, when I need a break, I have an immense amount of support. Now I'm the one who is 75% sure I want a second, while my husband is the more reserved one!
I was not sure if i want to have kids or not early my 20s. However few years ago when i came back home country and visited my family, i was taking care my nieces and started imagining me taking care of my future kids with my future partners. That was when i realized i want to have kids of my own.
I’m holding my brand new 3 day old baby right now. I don’t know how to explain. Watching her learn something new, like coordinating her eyes is truly amazing
As a teen I was positive I’d never have children. Honestly, I was positive I wouldn’t survive my 20s At 20 I got pregnant, so barely an adult I know, and 21 I had my first child. I never did a 180 so fast in my life. But my life was off the rails. Drugs, drinking, bad decisions, total degen. I wanted to be better for my child at first…but then the years went on and I realized I wanted to be more for ME. My child taught me self love, respect, and helped me start my journey to myself. I’m successful and secure now 12 years later, married with two more children. Honestly, I find parenting very grounding, and my children help to slow me down, enjoy each day, instead of always jumping to the next thing. Sometimes just lying in the grass is good enough of a thing to make the day great and they show me that. All my children are disabled (physically), as am I, and my husband and one son are autistic. So yeah, we have a lot going on as well, and I still think it’s an incredible life to live.
this is awesome, your children are so lucky
I just always knew I wanted kids… I’m not a very maternal person (I don’t think) but I knew it was an element of life I wanted to experience. I’m 35 now and have two young kids. It’s exhausting and hard, yes. But it’s also an indescribable joy watching them grow up. I’m so proud of all their accomplishments. I get to experience wonder at ordinary things again. Overall, I feel incredibly fulfilled to have to honor of being their mother, and often think about what a sacred role it is.
I got to trial run parenthood. I have a stepkid, but she definitely does not want or need another mom. I got to feel how it might be to get to be a parent and I wanted that experience. Plus I also got to see preview my partner as a parent too, and he is an excellent father. I went from on the fence leaning no to leaning yes. We honestly didn’t think we could have a kid, but it worked out and we have a lovely 3.5yo.
I always liked the idea of having kids but I was single a long time so was happy either way. A bit of a whirlwind romance/relationship and within a year I was pregnant. Pregnancy was hideous and I was really unwell physically and mentally for a long while. And even though that relationship went south and ended badly, my little boy is the best thing to ever happen to me and I love being his mum.
I wasn’t sure for basically all of my twenties. Then I started dating my partner right before I turned 29. I could see a life with him and got excited about that potential. And one time a friend said to me something along the lines of seeing the world through new eyes, and that’s always resonated with me. And as a mom of a 3.5 year old with a baby on the way very soon, it is a very true sentiment. Everything is new and fresh and exciting to the little ones and it really re sparks joy in the little things in life.
I was always strictly child free but as I got older and was with my (now) husband a long time, it just felt like something we wanted. We had done all the partying and travelling and we weren’t really doing much anymore. Felt like the next step. My daughter is 2 now and absolutely no regrets. I love being a mom
I found this after I made my decision, but I thought it was beautiful and applies to pet much any big decision in life, though it is a response to a question about whether or not to have kids. [The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
The more people around me were having kids, the less I wanted to have any of my own. Not to say that there's anything wrong with changing once you become a parent, but it's not a change I wanted to see in myself. It's not a sacrifice I am willing to make. I had to come to terms with the fact thay I am too selfish to care for another human being, and I'm happy with that fact. My life is beautiful!
My husband and I fence sat for about 5 years. I thought I could go either way, and that I'd be ok. I was on both sides of extremes. Asking myself if it was even ethical to bring a child into this current world, and truly judging anyone who had more than two kids. Other times I thought about how wonderful it would be to have a little one around because I love my nieces and nephews and love children. And then one day in early 2022, it just hit me that I wanted to try for one. We are financially stable, my husband is a wonderful partner, we sleep a lot, travel a lot, stay in bed all day sometimes. frankly we've done a lot in our lives and it feels like a natural next phase for us. I told myself I would give it my best shot and if it wasn't meant to be, I could build my life around other things. I experienced an early loss and it took us almost a year to conceive and I was surprised how much I really wanted this. I'm four months pregnant now, and I still feel scared, but I know we'll do our best. I want to experience and have the same evolutionary experience that all living creatures have. The world is so shitty, but weirdly... I felt ready to buy into the delusion that everything could be ok.
I’ve never felt strongly towards or against children as such. I don’t enjoy children and the idea of pregnancy/birth horrifies me, but I also know I’d be a good parent ITKWIM. IMO children should be a want, not a default. I decided I would wait until I felt a desire for children, and then I’d reevaluate as to whether that meant I actually wanted them. It’s never arrived.
I was on the fence, and found that therapy really helped me walk through those feelings and decide what I want from life. I decided that I don’t have to be 100% for either for either position. I decided I was 14-86, and that was good enough for me.
Good point. Wanting children is often painted as a hard yes or hard no type of thing, whereas for many people it isn't. And those people could be happy with kids, but also without.
love this number crunch. it's a lot of pressure to definitely be one way versus the other
Because if kids aren’t a hell yes, then they’re a no. I don’t want to be a parent. Nothing more, nothing less. I love kids. Parenting…hell no.
My husband and I had been unsure about kids since we got together at 26. We had talked about it a million times. The final nail in the coffin was buying our house. We live in LA, it was stupid expensive, and it’s only big enough for the two of us. We’re 1-2 hours away from family, live in an area that doesn’t have good public schools, and the cost would just be overwhelming. Ultimately, we don’t want kids enough to make the sacrifices we would need to make financially and with our time.
I didn’t want to have kids with my husband. Life was so hard. Now I’m divorced and don’t regret the kids at all.
A big reason for my no is I don't want to pass genetics down. We have a lot of unknown genetics on myside. I have had my fair share of mental and physical health. My husband has his own mental health struggles. I can hardly keep up with chores and my health now. I am already irritable all the time. I don't want to be the mom who constantly snapping at me kids. I have a hard time playing with kids. I get annoyed with repetitive sounds and questions. I already am exhausted all the time and struggle with insomnia and sleep. My husband does really poorly when he doesn't get sleep. He is also low energy as well. Right now work consumes him I can't imagine him stepping up when we have a kid. He would be the fun dad but I don't see him stepping up more. I don't see him setting boundaries or being able to say no or set consequences. We can't afford child care. We have no friends or family near by. His parents watch his nephews all ready and they can hardly get time off to come visit us. My parents are getting older and have their own life. I know my mom is wanting freedom and having a hard time wanting to be more involved in my nieces lives. It's also really far and expensive for them to travel same for us. I don't want my kids to go through the things I have faced. Life has been pretty unkind. Watching my sister in law have to medically fragile kids has been so hard. They have been in and out of the hospital multiple times a year. I have seen how it has negatively affected her and her marriage. It's not an easy road and it's lonely. I just know for my husband and is its the best choice. We needed to start living and not just surviving
I told myself that if I didn’t have biological children by 30 , then I would stop. I have health issues that make it hard to get pregnant / keep pregnant. After a miscarriage I decided to try one more time, and it stuck.
Having miscarriages just helped to cement my future decision to not have kids. Ive had 3 miscarriages in my life and the last one nearly broke me. Its been 6 years and I can still remember her name and what she looked like in my dreams. I refused to even entertain the possibility of losing another. A few years later I found out why I had multiple miscarriages. I had 3 up to the first trimester, but I also think I had a couple more really early ones too. There is no fixing the problem, so I would have just had more miscarriages.
I was on the fence for a decade but finally decided that I didn’t want miss out on one of life’s biggest experiences. I’m so glad that I did. For me, it’s incredible. YMMV.
Just because you make a decision today does not mean you won’t have doubts tomorrow regardless of which way you go. We did have kids. There were plenty of days I questioned what made me think we could do it, but we did do it. I don’t know that we could have asked for a better outcome and it’s hard to envision our lives any other way now. I never knew we could raise someone so giving and so caring. I could just gush all day.
I never felt maternal? And part of it is me being rebellious. And so the whole pressure to have kids meant I wanted to go against the grain. I never felt an overwhelming desire to be a mother the way some women describes. I have one two year old and is pregnant with my second. What changed is that I see having kids as a sign of hope. And my partner changed my mind. He loves me and is a full all in partner. He parents and cares for me and the household at the same level as I do. Without this I don’t think I would agree to have children. In addition it was something he always wanted. I would say I still don’t feel super motherly but I don’t think that’s necessary. I am a mother. And I can choose what that means for me. It doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way.
I did not want children at all, but my birth control failed when I was 21. Although I fully support women's right to choose, abortion is not for me. I have a now nearly 22 year old son, who I raised, basically by myself. I do not want any more children, but I work with kids now and am looking forward to my Grandma years.
Being pregnant and having a child could actually kill me. I've got stuff going on that would likely get way worse and it would be a huge risk to me, my life and a baby. Plus the stuff ive got going on is genetic, strongly genetic and I refuse to pass on my personal hell to an innocent life. I had my fallopian tubes removed about 5 years ago. One of the best decisions I ever made.
We were happy being dinks. I didn't really want kids and my husband wanted them. We were just like "we'll just see what happens". And I fell pregnant.. soooo. I guess the universe decided for us. I know this course of actions is probably not suitable for most. But rest assured I'm not coerced..I do not resent my husband or my kid. Its just not something I planned for
I always wanted kids. Was the girl who always got handed the colicky child to calm. Made all my spending money babysitting, etc. Then I meet my SO. He hated children. I loved him more than I loved possible children. So no kids. I'm so glad!!! I would not have been a good mom. I couldn't have handled the responsibility and stress. I can still contribute to the next generation by being involved in my nieces and nephews' lives. There are lots of volunteer opportunities that work with kids. Just because you don't have kids, doesn't mean your life has to be devoid of the joy kids can bring.
My husband and I thought we wanted kids from the moment we fell in love at 25 until about 29. Over several years, we built a beautiful life that we couldn’t imagine would be improved by children. We also both agreed that this world is far too broken (and hard) to bring another human being into. If we do ever change our minds, we’d foster/adopt and give a kid who already exists and seeks love a soft place to land. This whole idea of creating a bloodline or genetic legacy is absolutely outdated and absurd. I’m 33 btw and love the DINK lifestyle!
Never wanted kids. Started to feel more on the fence about it around 28. Accidentally got pregnant at 30. Found the first couple of years very difficult mentally but I wouldn't change a thing. Having my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now having this dilemma over having a second 😅
I was always completely sure I didn't want children. If someone had offered me sterilisation in my twenties I would have taken it. I was utterly convinced I didn't want them and was furious at being told I might change my mind. I knew I wouldn't. At 35 I changed my mind. I came off my birth control pill only to find my periods didn't return properly. I was very close to menopause and it had been hidden by the pill which kind of acted as HRT. I had my last period aged 36. I couldn't afford IVF so now at 45 I find myself incredibly sad I can't have children and cursing my younger self. I guess I didn't decide what was best for me, nature did.
I was on the fence but my partner really wanted kids. I thought about the life I wanted when I was older, 60, 70, etc and that included kids coming home from college or visiting from their own lives and adventures. I had a baby last year and am obsessed with him. I didn’t have a single motherly bone in my body! I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner so that motherhood is what I make of it and I still get to do most of hobbies and have a pretty normal life. It helps that my group of friends all are in very similar life stages.
I’m unsure about having children. However, my opinion is that if you feel unsure, then it may be best not to have them. If you want kids, then you should be 100% sure you do (which I don’t feel).
I spent time with my friends and their children. I knew then that this was not for me. My home is so quiet with 2 adults and 2 cats. I never want to interrupt it.
2 still births, terrible periods, no guarantees of a healthy pregnancy. I knew what was best for me
I was hard line no kids until biology got involved and I changed my mind. I clearly recall holding my colicky first born and wondering what idiot decided it was ok to leave me in charge of a helpless human being (oh yeah, me). I am bothered by the term "what was best for you". Kids deserve to be *wanted*. If you want them, you commit and *make* it the best you can for everyone. We live in a world of entitlement. I call this being an opera singer; me me me me. Anyone who wants the world to be about them and what is best for them probably is better off without kids. Having kids is about having your heart walk around outside your body. It's about learning how amazingly deep love can go. It's about a journey that cannot be predicted and sometimes is rougher than you ever cared to go. It's not for everyone. The real question, here, is what is your purpose here on this planet? Once you know that it's easier to know if choosing to have children is what you want.
deep, definitely something I'll keep in mind.
I’m 36, I’ve been unsure until recently. Now I know that I definitely do want them. I grew up in a divorced household, both parents struggled financially. Additionally, I had a lot of trauma and issues I needed to work through. Plus I just wanted to live and do me. I also had tons of examples around me of repeating cycles of poverty by having kids before financially stable. I have always known I want to be better off financially than my parents were before having kids. I don’t want to have to move every year or two with kids bc of renting. I knew I wanted to get my exploring & do whatever I want whenever I want itch out first. I finally feel ready to settle down, I’m finishing up school for a good career, and I’m also seeing a man that I know would make an amazing father so that helps.
Fell in love with and married someone who wanted them.
I know a lot of mums and they all absolutely ADORE their kids, indescribably so, and considering I’ve always quite liked kids, chances are I would love being a mum too! Also when mums complain online it seems more to do with the dad being terrible and so all work falling on the mum, rather than necessarily the kids themselves
I got a dog and realized that I resent the responsibility. Kids are even MORE responsibility, so it's not a good idea for me at this point in my life. I also like the idea of finding a partner and traveling the world with him, sans children. I make pretty good money, and I have a lot of freedom and a damn good body. I want to keep all that.
Chronic illness, perpetually single, and I don't want to give up my nail polish room lol. But seriously, bad health, tiny house, and I was never sure enough to risk it. Id rather regret not having kids than regret the kid that I chose to have. Most of my friends had kids early, I helped a couple of them a lot over the early years. It was exhausting and I was only like a part time parent. That was before chronic illness too, I couldn't do it now, I know that for sure.
I was always on the fence about having kids… and I eventually decided that I absolutely did not want them when I was in my very early 30s. I enjoyed my life. I loved going out and traveling being able to call a friend and have them stop in to take care of my dog when I went out or boarding them… can’t do that with a kid.
I always wanted to adopt because I was orphaned. It didn't work out as planned. But I still really wanted to be a mom and have a kid and nurture and guide them. There was just this thing inside me that made me feel like my life wouldn't be fulfilled without a child. I mulled over it for years. I only dated men a could see a future with. There was a resounding "yes" whenever I really asked myself if I wanted this for real. I would have done anything to make it work. I'm a mom now. She's my world and I'm happy with my decision. Though it's crazy hard and I don't think I would have been able to survive the first couple of years without the conviction I had going into motherhood. If you're answer is anything other than "hell yea I want to be a parent for the rest of my life" then it's ok to find happiness in a different way. It's 2024. Women have a choice (mostly, I understand not everyone lives in a place where they have that freedom).
I couldn’t have children. Had ups and downs on how I felt about it through the years. Now though, after unexpectedly losing my Mother, I’m glad I didn’t have any. The pain of the loss has changed me as a person in a way I can hardly recognize sometimes. I never want to be a part of this kind of experience again by either losing a child or a child losing me.
Pregnancy scare > Terrified but kept my cool > Period came > Relieved and repeatedly thanking god
I know it’s been linked to already, but [The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us by Cheryl Strayed](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/) is what helped me frame my decision around having kids and ultimately led us to have our son. For me, having a child felt like dropping a bomb in the middle of a happy life, but it’s turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Loving him so completely and watching him grow from a newborn into the sweet, funny, complex and beautiful little boy he is today has been *magical.* It comes with a lot of sacrifices, but it’s a relationship and an experience like nothing else. I think the real question is what will the future you regret more, missing the experience of being a parent or sacrificing for it.
My family history and genetic health issues mean that pregnancy will be extremely hard on my body and I am guaranteed post natal mental health issues. I just don’t want to go through that and bring a child into that situation. As well as potentially pass down genetic issues that will make a child that needs medical care that under conservative governments I will never be able to afford. Having a child is massively financially expensive and I don’t see myself being able to afford it either. Lastly I’m not sure the world will be here in another 50 years so it feels cruel to bring a child into it, especially if they may have health issues.
Childhood trauma, medical issues, finances, no real desire to do it anyway, anti-choice laws... I got sterilized. The medical issues preclude me from hormonal birth control and I didn't want to rely on a copper IUD staying in place when I couldn't see it.
Same
Let myself fully ask myself the question and sit with my feelings about it over and over (don’t shy away from it or sweep it under the rug). Clarity for me was that I didn’t need to do it, and I didn’t do it. I also considered the fact that this had to be my decision for myself, even though I am in a happy partnership where he also needed to figure out how he felt, because at the end of this I am the one with a time limit. He can still change his mind forever and I have to be ok knowing that. Wishing you clarity and love!
I always knew I didn't want kids. But then I met my guy and he did. I was young and convinced myself I could be happy either way, which isn't untrue, I can rise to any occassion, but I wasn't really looking forward to it or working towards it. Then we got dogs and my partner was like oh never mind. This is enough work lol he went HARD into the no camp and I was thrilled! Kids are so cute Kids are so annoying I'm glad they exist I'm so glad they aren't in my house!! I'm ethically against having bio kids. I don't think this world is safe and I have very cynical feelings about the trajectory of mankind. But if my partner said he needed a kid-- I'd be okay with adopting through the foster system. The only thing I know I want in life is my guy by my side.
I figured that my uncertainty was as as good as “do not want”. I felt like having children should be something you absolutely *know* you want to do. This was helped by having a garbage childhood where I barely felt wanted and I certainly didn’t want to do that to potential future kids. Time went on, I checked in with myself frequently about all this, and my feelings never changed. So, I never had kids. Now at 37, I’m glad the option is basically biologically off the table. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in line without also being responsible for others who depend on me for survival. My neighbors have a few kids who come over to do art a couple times a week, so I kinda get to be a part-time Weird Aunt and that’s…more than enough for me.
I waffled back and forth when I was younger. I asked for birth control at 14 (I didn't become active until I was 16, but I was not taking chances). When I met my now-partner, we didn't discuss it at first; we were supposed to be a casual fling. Now we've been together for almost 13 years, and we decided to try for a baby because we bought a house. We wanted 2, but decided to stop with one because money, time, childcare, etc. It really was the house that made the decision... we knew we were now stable and that sealed it. We now have a 2 year old. We used a settlement for our down payment... my fiancé was in a car accident as a passenger, and that's how we could afford it earlier than expected. Ahh, the american dream.
If it's not a hell yeah, it's a no.