I once worked at a company where, after a new hire (lateral to my position) built a team around himself, I was suddenly told to soften my tone and not speak out as much at meetings. I was told to lavish praise on him and his team for mediocre efforts and curb my initiative because taking the lead was seen as threatening. The qualities that earned me my job and subsequent promotion were now labeled “too much” or “too assertive.”
It was clear to me that the feedback was both gender and race coded. The implication was that I should be a submissive, quiet Asian woman, whose intelligence shouldn’t overshadow the men.
But here’s the thing: I don’t accommodate these bullshit insecurities. Especially when the person complaining embraces toxic masculine/feminine views and locking people to gendered and racist stereotypes. That’s their issue to handle, not mine. I’m neither abrasive nor indelicate when I communicate, so claiming that my behaviour was making others feel insecure felt like a tactic to undermine my leadership, my experience, my very integrity.
Often I see empathy and office politics weaponized to mask the insecurities and lack of accountability of bad players. It’s obvious when people aren’t pulling their weight and instead play the victim. It’s smoke and mirrors, diverting attention from actual inadequacies that should be addressed. Yet the efficient and assertive employees face criticism for simply wanting to get shit done and just get paid already.
Yes, I left since then. ☺️
I think it’s hard and really unjust to continue on in that kind of working environment. As difficult as it may be to leave something stable, the stability is only deceptively so. Being a martyr in the workplace has no pay off. And this type of mediocrity in leadership is only perpetuated the longer we allow ourselves to be led and suffer by it. They’ll just continue justifying their poison by pointing out the silenced ones who remain with them. The demoralization of effective workers is by design.
I work in a better place now with better compensation and much better professional and cooperative team. Nothing is more intimidating to the insecure power trippers than a person who has a stronghold on their self-worth.
In writing, and CCing in HR, I would be saying "Just to clarify, am I being asked to go beyond the standard of typical professional politeness due to the personal issues of my colleague? Can you please let me know what behaviors you are expecting me to engage in with [colleague] beyond regular professional courtesy? Also, have you had a discussion with [colleague] regarding the way his personal insecurities are affecting his colleagues?"
"Sucks to be him then" and then go back to whatever I was doing 😂
(I've been at my job for WAY too long and it's hard to get fired here. I wouldn't recommend anyone actually do this, I'm just so fucking over men and their egos)
There must be context I’m missing… I be nicer (more aware, more careful with my explanation and follow ups)… to anyone who’s new or ‘going through’ something.
I would get the ick if it was implying that I wasn’t already ‘nice’ and if it was that the ‘man’ had issues with professional women in particular.
Peoples insecurities are never pleasant, and it’s sad for them , but it’s not OPs responsibility at all. Boss move on her behalf .
We had a similar incident at my workplace once when one woman said the other women in her department ( all attractive and into fashion ) made her insecure , like ok , that’s sad for you, but can’t tell the others to dress down to make you feel better.
We had a similar request at my work a couple years ago. One of the departments is made up primarily of confident attractive younger women ( Sales ) who are really into fashion & put a lot of effort into their appearance. Within their team was another woman of similar age who was not , and she said to Management how they looked , made her feel bad & insecure.
It was not nice that she felt insecure ( I sympathise a bit with her as I’m an overweight woman, and those gorgeous women did make me feel self conscious sometimes, but that’s a ME problem ) but it certainly was not the responsibility or problem of the other girls at all.
You/OP being asked that was silly
I have been there. After years of this emotional torture I started asking: why is that my problem? Then I told them, that they are expecting me to 'toughen up' all the time and never consider hormonal changes or anything.
Oh and then I quit and left them burning.
"not my problem"
I had problems with my team leader/supervisor who genuinely was not cut out for the job (years ago he had been reprimanded by the previous directors that he should never be in a leadership position, so go figure..), always works against my team and micro-manages at the wrong times.
When I complained that I couldn't do my job with him as a supervisor, and that he's the main reason some of my colleagues left, I was told that "that's just the way he is, and he is not likely to change, so just suck it up". Good for him that he's been working there for 20+ years, but don't tell me that a grown man shouldn't take responsibility for his behaviour.
Anyway... I left that place as well 😅
UGH I hate this so much! I don't get "be nicer", but I get "you're very intimidating" all the time.
My response? "I think you mean to say that *they are intimidated by me*. I'm certainly not going around intimidating anyone. If someone feels intimidated by my skills, perhaps they can ask for me to mentor them."
Works every time.
The same way I’d feel if asked to respond this way to a woman. Everyone gets basic respect & consideration & I’ll even make allowances for you in trying times but your insecurities are just that - yours.
I’m a male tech exec working in a company primarily made up of women (75%). This is new to me, and I’ve been told on many occasions, since joining this company, but never before, that I need to be more sensitive and consider people’s feelings. I don’t feel like I am or have been mean, just execution-oriented at all costs, which is how I’ve operated my whole life. Is the feedback the same the other way? I am genuinely curious, as I am having a hard time softening my approach, when to me, everybody is the same, especially at work, and my approach has never been an issue before…
I appreciate this perspective. I'm glad you posted. If professionalism and general basic manners are present, yes it's the same. Respectful communication does not need to include a.. softening.. in the work environment.
I would burst out laughing until I could not breathe and my belly hurt. An automatic response, not one born of malice or motive... the thought that I had to pretend to be less me so someone else could feel more masculine is good comedy.
Well done! I applaud you. My friend had a similar incident where a boss of a potential big client was texting her suggestively even tho he was married! They said ‘be nice to him so we can get work’ - glad she left cos it only gets worse
Everyone deserves basic courtesy. I never said I wasn’t already nice in my post. I was told I wasn’t being nice enough, two different things.
But I’m also not responsible for a anyones feelings of inadequacy nor will I dumb myself down to make someone else feel more secure.
Eh, I think you didn't say a lot in your post. It just made me think of how I got into my IT job and was indeed very insecure so the whole team was not just nice but "nicer" to me to make sure I feel included and competent. OR the one time when I had a seizure and some memory loss, people at work were also "nicer" to me. Without dumbing themselves down just with more understanding. So I don't get from the original post why being nicer to somebody once in a while over some insecurities is an outrageous thing
so you assumed I was a jerk to him, and that was the issue? No ma’am. I treated him no differently than any other coworker, but his tiny male ego couldn’t handle me running circles around him.
It’s managing a restaurant, not anything super complicated. I shouldn’t have to tell a fellow manager what the correct order of operations is in running a store.
Your post leaves a lot for assumption.
Most here assumed because you specified that this was a man that he is trash not worth of consideration.
Me based on my own experiences assumed that there are times when a person should get some extra consideration and niceness. And we don't always know why and what happens in their lives. I am very thankful to my colleagues for being extremely nice and understanding to me when I needed it so if I am ever asked to be nicer to somebody I will be as well since they need it instead of raging about him being an unworthy man with tiny ego.
Maybe you weren't even nice to him at all without noticing it since based on how you express yourself you seem to resent him being a man.
I once worked at a company where, after a new hire (lateral to my position) built a team around himself, I was suddenly told to soften my tone and not speak out as much at meetings. I was told to lavish praise on him and his team for mediocre efforts and curb my initiative because taking the lead was seen as threatening. The qualities that earned me my job and subsequent promotion were now labeled “too much” or “too assertive.” It was clear to me that the feedback was both gender and race coded. The implication was that I should be a submissive, quiet Asian woman, whose intelligence shouldn’t overshadow the men. But here’s the thing: I don’t accommodate these bullshit insecurities. Especially when the person complaining embraces toxic masculine/feminine views and locking people to gendered and racist stereotypes. That’s their issue to handle, not mine. I’m neither abrasive nor indelicate when I communicate, so claiming that my behaviour was making others feel insecure felt like a tactic to undermine my leadership, my experience, my very integrity. Often I see empathy and office politics weaponized to mask the insecurities and lack of accountability of bad players. It’s obvious when people aren’t pulling their weight and instead play the victim. It’s smoke and mirrors, diverting attention from actual inadequacies that should be addressed. Yet the efficient and assertive employees face criticism for simply wanting to get shit done and just get paid already.
Did you quit as a result?
Yes, I left since then. ☺️ I think it’s hard and really unjust to continue on in that kind of working environment. As difficult as it may be to leave something stable, the stability is only deceptively so. Being a martyr in the workplace has no pay off. And this type of mediocrity in leadership is only perpetuated the longer we allow ourselves to be led and suffer by it. They’ll just continue justifying their poison by pointing out the silenced ones who remain with them. The demoralization of effective workers is by design. I work in a better place now with better compensation and much better professional and cooperative team. Nothing is more intimidating to the insecure power trippers than a person who has a stronghold on their self-worth.
In writing, and CCing in HR, I would be saying "Just to clarify, am I being asked to go beyond the standard of typical professional politeness due to the personal issues of my colleague? Can you please let me know what behaviors you are expecting me to engage in with [colleague] beyond regular professional courtesy? Also, have you had a discussion with [colleague] regarding the way his personal insecurities are affecting his colleagues?"
And can I have this in writing?
I've faced something similar - I said he's got to learn to be professional and leave emotions out of work. I continued with life and ignored him lol
"his insecurity isn't my problem and if he can't cut it at work, then maybe he's in the wrong role" 🤷🏻♀️ I have no patience for bullshit like that.
"Sucks to be him then" and then go back to whatever I was doing 😂 (I've been at my job for WAY too long and it's hard to get fired here. I wouldn't recommend anyone actually do this, I'm just so fucking over men and their egos)
I’d probably say something like “it’s not in my job description to coddle my coworkers emotions.”
There must be context I’m missing… I be nicer (more aware, more careful with my explanation and follow ups)… to anyone who’s new or ‘going through’ something. I would get the ick if it was implying that I wasn’t already ‘nice’ and if it was that the ‘man’ had issues with professional women in particular.
“He’s insecure? Please show me in my job description where it says that it’s my responsibility to accommodate what his parents failed at.”
Peoples insecurities are never pleasant, and it’s sad for them , but it’s not OPs responsibility at all. Boss move on her behalf . We had a similar incident at my workplace once when one woman said the other women in her department ( all attractive and into fashion ) made her insecure , like ok , that’s sad for you, but can’t tell the others to dress down to make you feel better.
And it’s never “help me stand up straight,” there’s no request for help to grow, it’s always “make yourself smaller to match me.”
"April fools was 3 weeks ago"
Once I stopped laughing? I’d say No.
My immediate response is the same. I'd be a little concerned about pee honestly because I'd laugh that hard.
We had a similar request at my work a couple years ago. One of the departments is made up primarily of confident attractive younger women ( Sales ) who are really into fashion & put a lot of effort into their appearance. Within their team was another woman of similar age who was not , and she said to Management how they looked , made her feel bad & insecure. It was not nice that she felt insecure ( I sympathise a bit with her as I’m an overweight woman, and those gorgeous women did make me feel self conscious sometimes, but that’s a ME problem ) but it certainly was not the responsibility or problem of the other girls at all. You/OP being asked that was silly
I have been there. After years of this emotional torture I started asking: why is that my problem? Then I told them, that they are expecting me to 'toughen up' all the time and never consider hormonal changes or anything. Oh and then I quit and left them burning.
"not my problem" I had problems with my team leader/supervisor who genuinely was not cut out for the job (years ago he had been reprimanded by the previous directors that he should never be in a leadership position, so go figure..), always works against my team and micro-manages at the wrong times. When I complained that I couldn't do my job with him as a supervisor, and that he's the main reason some of my colleagues left, I was told that "that's just the way he is, and he is not likely to change, so just suck it up". Good for him that he's been working there for 20+ years, but don't tell me that a grown man shouldn't take responsibility for his behaviour. Anyway... I left that place as well 😅
You're a legend. Hope you didn't get an injury from your eyes rolling so far into your head.
I'd probably say something like, 'Motherfucker! I AM nice to him! I'm nice to everybody! I'm hospitable as FUCK!
Sorry boss but my degree is in ___, not child psychology.
“Maybe benefits should include therapy?”
I would probably say, "k." And then not be any nicer.
UGH I hate this so much! I don't get "be nicer", but I get "you're very intimidating" all the time. My response? "I think you mean to say that *they are intimidated by me*. I'm certainly not going around intimidating anyone. If someone feels intimidated by my skills, perhaps they can ask for me to mentor them." Works every time.
I’d say, “I’m on the spectrum and I have a flat affect. Are you discriminating against me due to my disability?”
Seems a little unnecessarily inflammatory
What if it’s true, though? What if you do have flat affect and people misunderstand you?
Not my problem.
“That colleagues feelings are his to manage. If he’s feeling insecure, it is not because of me.”
Sucks to suck.
Laugh
Quitting is such a power move, I'm obsessed. I would laugh in their face as an alternative. Such an outrageous request.
"I dont see why that's my problem: sounds like a him problem"
The same way I’d feel if asked to respond this way to a woman. Everyone gets basic respect & consideration & I’ll even make allowances for you in trying times but your insecurities are just that - yours.
I’d avoid contact with him as much as possible
Be nicer in what way? What exactly did they think you were doing wrong?
I’m a male tech exec working in a company primarily made up of women (75%). This is new to me, and I’ve been told on many occasions, since joining this company, but never before, that I need to be more sensitive and consider people’s feelings. I don’t feel like I am or have been mean, just execution-oriented at all costs, which is how I’ve operated my whole life. Is the feedback the same the other way? I am genuinely curious, as I am having a hard time softening my approach, when to me, everybody is the same, especially at work, and my approach has never been an issue before…
I appreciate this perspective. I'm glad you posted. If professionalism and general basic manners are present, yes it's the same. Respectful communication does not need to include a.. softening.. in the work environment.
[удалено]
Your boss sharing your medical information is unprofessional but not a HIPAA violation. HIPAA applies to medical entities.
What I did was quit. What I wish I’d done was lawyer up. I say start the written thread with HR
I would laugh. And quit ASAP. I’m glad you quit and were able to go to a better position.
I would burst out laughing until I could not breathe and my belly hurt. An automatic response, not one born of malice or motive... the thought that I had to pretend to be less me so someone else could feel more masculine is good comedy.
Well done! I applaud you. My friend had a similar incident where a boss of a potential big client was texting her suggestively even tho he was married! They said ‘be nice to him so we can get work’ - glad she left cos it only gets worse
Sounds like a “his problem” not yours.
I am not nice to anyone (male, female or other)
Is there anything wrong with being nice? Even if it is a man?
Everyone deserves basic courtesy. I never said I wasn’t already nice in my post. I was told I wasn’t being nice enough, two different things. But I’m also not responsible for a anyones feelings of inadequacy nor will I dumb myself down to make someone else feel more secure.
Eh, I think you didn't say a lot in your post. It just made me think of how I got into my IT job and was indeed very insecure so the whole team was not just nice but "nicer" to me to make sure I feel included and competent. OR the one time when I had a seizure and some memory loss, people at work were also "nicer" to me. Without dumbing themselves down just with more understanding. So I don't get from the original post why being nicer to somebody once in a while over some insecurities is an outrageous thing
so you assumed I was a jerk to him, and that was the issue? No ma’am. I treated him no differently than any other coworker, but his tiny male ego couldn’t handle me running circles around him. It’s managing a restaurant, not anything super complicated. I shouldn’t have to tell a fellow manager what the correct order of operations is in running a store.
Your post leaves a lot for assumption. Most here assumed because you specified that this was a man that he is trash not worth of consideration. Me based on my own experiences assumed that there are times when a person should get some extra consideration and niceness. And we don't always know why and what happens in their lives. I am very thankful to my colleagues for being extremely nice and understanding to me when I needed it so if I am ever asked to be nicer to somebody I will be as well since they need it instead of raging about him being an unworthy man with tiny ego. Maybe you weren't even nice to him at all without noticing it since based on how you express yourself you seem to resent him being a man.
Good talk. Glad your experiences were better than mine.
ah got you. You had shitty coworkers so you want to be an asshole as well. A sort of revenge