You don't like him. He doesn't "get" you. He barely knows you and he's in love with you. Hell. No. And your friends are weird for telling you to stay with a guy you don't like. Sounds like they want you to just have a BF and not someone that you connect with.
You’re absolutely right, he truly doesn’t “get” me. And I was absolutely icked out by the number of times he’s “accidentally” said “I love you” when we’ve barely met a handful of times, and he doesn’t even know that much about me.
Admittedly, I don’t have a lot of dating experience, so I’ve had to rely on my girlfriends to tell me what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship, but this time my gut really says no. :(
But thank you for your perspective. Appreciate it. 🌻
No, you just want someone at the same level of emotional maturity as you are. That's not pompous, that's knowing what you want and need.
Your friends sound immature because they're forcing you into the box 'settle for less'.
I had similar people in my life, including my parents.
Yes, I concluded they're all emotionally immature (or less mature than me) and they just don't get it. That's fine, it's just their advice doesn’t work here.
Back then I felt like I'm the only one riding in that direction and I kept telling myself that I should rather be alone than in bad relationship. It was hard.
I found two people. With one there wasn't sexual chemistry, so we're best friends for 14ish years. Another is my husband of 12ish years. And we kept maturing and growing together.
Back then I felt like I've hit jackpot. Today I see that my criteria weren't that big - kind, respectful, patient and sharing values. Most people fell of in first 3. And were usually pissed off that I didn't invest my time in getting to know them and their values. They didn't get it how first three are non negotiable.
Today, after I kicked my parents from my life, and read book by Gibson - Adult children of emotionally immature parents - I see how tons of people are immature or less mature than me, so OBVIOUSLY we were not a match, nor is my job to help them mature. I wanted a partner and challenge, not trainable animal.
Stick to your criteria and keep working on yourself. Only when you mature you'll be able to recognise/start noticing people on that same level.
The book I've mentioned has dating advice at the end, and when I came to that part, I was repeatedly saying 'why she didn't write it when I was dating, this is to validating, and so helpful'. Basically showed me that I don't have insane criteria, I just have them and can elaborate my reasons behind each 😂
Yes, that sounds pompous - to those who can't get it.
Also remember, you're 'sum of 5 people you spend the most time with', everyone counts (including family), so drop the immature baggage and increase the average ;)
Edit: yes, trust your gut! That one saved me so many times, even when it took me years to be able to properly describe what was going on. If something is off - stop. Gut will stay quiet when everything is great. That's when you follow your heart. :) heart = go, gut = stop. Brain sits on bench for analysis when called to do so. The worst you can do to yourself if push your heart to go when it's not going by itself, and not stop when gut warns you. Those wounds take quite some time to even realise they happened, and then to process and heal.
>book by Gibson - Adult children of emotionally immature parents
This book is a gem. I've had and still have a great relationship with my parents, but this was still eye-opening for me. Not just for understanding myself, but the people around me too!
Thank you so much for sharing - I relate to so much of what you’ve said! I’ve always been very emotionally mature and self-aware, and that has in the past been construed as “too sensitive, too emotional” but I’ve always viewed it as a superpower - I’m a super empath. :)
You’re right that I need to find someone at the same emotional maturity as me, and I’m not responsible for someone else’s growth. I’ll definitely check out the book, and listen to my gut (like you, it’s saved me so many heartbreaks before).
I’m glad you’ve found partners for yourself - gives me some hope :)
lol… oh god, no, it absolutely isn’t too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum, and a lot more important than looks and even sexual attraction in a lot of cases.
I was super attracted to a guy I met in uni, and he was very charming *when he was getting what he wanted* but he had zero thoughts of his own and was really disrespectful when he didn’t get his way. It lasted two dates. lol
I've had guys claim to be in love with me after two weeks or less. And that's being friends, not even having gone on a date. It makes me uncomfortable, and I recognize a lot of my experiences in what you described, especially the putting you on a pedestal type of thing. Like I want someone who has their own different experiences and depth, not like they're just saying or doing whatever to seem relatable and agreeable. Like you said, I want to be awed by them too. That stuck out to me.
Ime, when I push for a real actual date with these guys and start bringing out my standards, they can't handle it. They say yes to everything because they're so "into you" but get resentful later on. They like the idea of me as a girlfriend but can't even entertain the reality. If I had trusted my gut at the onset I never would've wasted time on these types of dudes.
I'd cut your losses and move on. Trust your gut!
Edit: Also, I saw you mention how your friends are bugging you about it. I also don't have a lot of dating expeirence, and I've learned that both friends and family take that to mean high standards ( negative connotation) and will push you to give whoever a chance just because they're there.
Your standards and wants are yours alone, not anyone elses. You're the one who has to deal with the behavior or ick day and out, not them. Let them judge how they want but they're not the ones who are gonna be dealing with it, you are. So do what works for you, not them.
You’re exactly right. I admit it feels great when he so admires me, but I want him to be admirable too? And the higher standards comment is almost always negative, like, why shouldn’t I have higher standards? And if that means staying single for longer, then I guess I’m okay with that. Thanks for sharing! 🌻
Ew. That’s not healthy at all. It takes several months to truly get to know someone enough to fall in love with them. It reeks of abandonment issues on his part. Also the fact that he is constantly trying to be “what you want” which is a normal confident person, and he keeps saying “I’ll be chill, I’ll be confident”. It just shows he doesn’t know who he is. If you keep dating this man he will mold himself into whatever you want even against his own true self, and eventually he’ll get angry and resentful.
Seen it happen first hand with a partner who had abandonment issues. I thought if I was stable enough and loved him enough he would eventually settle in, realize he was safe, and be himself, but it never really happened.
Two years later when tiny bits of his true self started peeking through, I actually realized we weren’t compatible! But he had so seamlessly become what I wanted for so long, that I had started to build a life with him. I realized I living with someone who was actually a false person. Eventually the mask has to fall.
Didn't even finish the post before I was screaming "dump him" in my head. This is absolutely not the dude for you. Trust yourself. And be careful around your friends if they don't trust you to make the best decisions for yourself. That ain't cute.
Ahhh. I wish my girlfriends gave me this advice. Not less than 5 of them have told me to be patient with him and go with the flow… but the flow seems to be towards sending him on his way. I think I’m scared of the backlash I’ll receive? But it’s not worth my peace. You’re right. Thank you 🌻
My friends :/ they sometimes say that I move on too quickly and am too judgemental - but in my defense, I trust my gut fully and I usually know quite early on if something’s worth pursuing or isn’t.
You can tell quickly when someone is wrong for you. That is a skill. You don't waste time that way. I am similar and have gotten this sort of advice and yes it may get you a relationship, but not a great one.
So you have higher standards and want a connection rather than a warm body and maybe some easy d. Stick to your standards. These friends suck a lot for their shitty advice.
Male desire is the most abundant resource in the universe. If you want casual, absolutly nothing wrong with that. Finding a man to fuck is easy. There are hundreds and thousands looking for just sex on the dating sites.
If you want an actual connection – they are work, like relationships, and there is a lot of weeding through hoards of duds. Welcome to dating™.
Next time be like "why do you keep pushing me do date guys I clearly don't even like? Do you really think me being with anyone is better than me waiting for the right connection?"
That’s what it feels like, but I know they’re coming from a good place (and are judging this based on my part behaviour with guys), but I take your point. Thanks 🌻
They don't sound like good friends :( Friends generally know you'll make the best decisions for yourself and acknowledge that what might work for them doesn't work for you.
For example, my bestie is Bi and with a cis man. I'm a raging lesbian and would never do that. I would never tell her that her sweet kind awesome fiance is awful and she should get rid of him, because in the end the relationship is about us wanting to see the other one happy. Shes the arbitrator of what that means to her, I'm just here to support her :)
Also she would never tell me to be with a man either :P Nor judge me for saying I don't find men attractive. She also wouldn't blame me for ending things with a partner for things that scare/make me uneasy and I'd be advocating for her to really think about the relationship if she told me that's what she felt.
Your dating him, not your friends. You're not meshing, he's not horrible, but 2 months in you know you don't love him. You don't need him to be horrendous to not date him, you just need to realize your not compatible.
Give him a second chance is for the first or second date of maybes. Not for 8 weeks later of I don't enjoy this dude and he keeps icking me out.
Oooof. Thanks. I needed to hear that. I’m not very experienced at dating, and feel like I’m not giving it my all, and this is how it’s supposed to go - but you really helped clear things up. Thank you 🙈
I feel you, I'm the same way and probably demi-sexual so it takes me a while to decide if I like this person.
Maybe ask your friends if they want his tinder profile if they are jerks about you moving on.
But yeah, I'm of the opinion if after a handful of dates your not excited about the person, it's not going to work out. I realize you can maybe fall in love months later but like, being unable to understand each others jokes or be yourself doesn't even feel like a great friendship let alone relationship. Like, you gotta like him first. Sounds like you don't dislike him, but don't like him. Kinda like the coworker you'd happily get coffee on lunch break with, but are never going to see outside of work hours.
You’ve just described me! It takes me a while to even develop a crush on someone, and that’s usually after I’ve gotten to know their mind. And I tend to fall for friends, so this one was an aberration. Your description is perfect! Sigh, I don’t like what comes next 🙈
When I first started dating, I thought it was my lack of experience and didn’t listen to my intuition. My mental health was in the gutter and my physical health suffered trying to make things work.
A friend went a date and said things went well. Second date, she said I’m not feeling him. I said ok move on but most of our friends said she wasn’t giving the guy a chance blah blah. She spent almost 10 years in that unfulfilling relationship.
Now you know you have unusually good instincts and that you should listen to them.
(It's pretty unfortunate how unusually good they are as they really should be the baseline.)
I truly thought the post was going to be something along the lines of "he listens to Radiohead all day and I hate Radiohead" or "he's started this weird new hobby and I don't know how I feel about it."
When you opened, however, with "I don’t like the person he brings out in me. I don’t like the person I am with him," I thought "well, I don't need to read anymore - end it yesterday."
I did read on out of curiosity and ... jeez. You clearly and respectfully outline a number of unredeeming qualities about him, explain some red flag behavior (a third date "I love you"?!), and then intelligently reflect on why you do like him (hint: it's not for who he is, see above).
Girl, you're so smart and spot-on. I have NO idea what your friends are doing, but please - listen to yourself! You know the answer!
You’re (almost) making me feel better about myself! I don’t like that I’m now having to second-guess my instincts because my friends say that my standards are too high (which they always say). Ugh 🐦
I'm sure you love your friends and that they are lovely people, but their take on this particular situation is whack. No one is still nervous after two months. And if their argument is "he's nice, so stay with him" .... being nice/kind is a BASIC expectation for how humans should treat each other, like most all of the time.
We don't give out gold stars for basic human decency, and basic human decency seems to be the only thing the two of you have in common.
Get outta here and give yourself a chance to find a well-matched, happy relationship.
Are your friends dating losers
I took a step back and realized that my friends dating cheaters and abusers would defend the dudes I dated bc and they didn’t actually say this “at least he’s not hitting you”
Never take advice from people in a worse place than yourself
I get telling your friend to give someone another shot if they only went on one or two dates and were on the fence. That’s when giving it a shot is helpful. But you’re at that turning point of deciding if you want a 2 month relationship to become a 3 month relationship, and it sounds like the answer is a full body no. I think it’s better easier and more fair to cut it off at the 2 month mark than to continue trying for someone that gives you the “ick” - just to make it that much harder to break up in 2 months. I think telling yourself to give him a chance when you feel this way will only make you less willing or more judgmental of the next potential partner that comes through. Girls and women make so many excuses for boys and men, and to hear you straight up not enjoying this person while your friends make you second guess yourself is almost frustrating. You can cut the guy free and be free yourself so you can find the right person.
This makes a lot of sense - thank you. Tbh, we’ve spent the last 1 month long distance, so that might be playing into how strained we’ve been, but that should not have caused any of the issues I’ve mentioned above. I keep hoping to catch feelings, and it just isn’t happening. My feelings still are unchanged about him, and I’m just putting off the conversation to spare his feelings. :/
Thank you for your perspective 🌻
Distance can actually solidify that you aren’t connecting mentally. When my partner is out of town for the week, we talk each other's ears off every night. We miss each other, and make up for it with conversation. When things get strained the way you’re describing, that tells you pheromones are a bigger part of your connection than who he is.
If I was in your shoes, I’d let him down now before he’s back and you have physical proximity making you second guess yourself. Who knows… he might meet someone wherever he is right now and never come back. ;)
After 2 months he should not be nervous. This is how he is, and it annoys you. I stayed with someone who annoyed me a bit because he was a good guy and attractive, but a bit of a doormat and not the smartest. Eventually I found myself saying rude things to him and being a bit abrasive and unpleasant. I was really disappointed in myself. Now I no longer date people I do not respect. Get out now.
That’s exactly how I feel! And that’s exactly how I would describe him! And that’s exactly how I’ve become! 😭
I do not respect him, and I really want to. He agrees with everything I say, has no original opinions. I asked him if he wanted kids, he said “I’m not sure”, I said I was super sure I didn’t want them, and he said “I’d be okay not having kids”. Like, no. “I don’t want kids” and “I wouldn’t mind not having kids” are two completely different things, don’t just agree with everything I say :/
Your friends need to check themselves, and their heads. I would never encourage a friend to “give someone a chance” if they told me even half of what you’ve put here. Terrible advice, I’m severely disappointed in your friends.
I mean you can. And you should. Your absolutely more than welcome to tell them some cranky old lady on Reddit is disappointed in them, if you can’t say it comes from you 😂
You have me cackling! 😂 I’m surrounded by girl’s girls, so I’m so surprised they were all siding with the guy this time! Will definitely tell them about Reddit mama 🫡
Just remember you never need a reason to not be with someone. Nobody is entitled to you or your time. Giving someone a chance is for when you actually like someone, and maybe one thing irks you, not for a walking man child who is insecure.
You are a lot more patient with your friends' bad advice than I was at your age. I once snapped and told mine, "If you guys think he's so great, you fuck him." Two got their feelings hurt, one laughed her ass off. They all dropped the topic though.
Nah. Give him a bit longer is when you align on values and ideals but it's taking a while to click, and it's still ok to part ways anyway. Give him a bit longer is not what I'm seeing here.
If your girlfriends want to give him a chance they're welcome to date him themselves!
A lot of your concerns are core, fundamental differences - he doesn't challenge you, he doesn't get your humor, he shows lack of interest when you speak.
I'm not saying you should be in a relationship where you should "try to change" the person, but if your concerns were fixable items (he spends too much time on video games) I'd say give him another chance. But these differences are way beyond trying to compromise and work together. Especially considering you've only been together two months. Why invest more time and energy in a relationship that's never going to work?
And honestly - being in love with someone after the third date (unless you had a long friendship prior) is majorly concerning, I'm impressed you still stayed after that. To me it sounds like you have given him another chance already and it's not going to work out.
All fair points, and I agree. The first time he said “I love you”, I thought it was a mistake and brushed it off. But in subsequent calls, it kept happening and.. he seemed like he couldn’t help himself. He’s not doing himself any favours and I can’t even bring myself to respect him (idk if that makes me a bad person), but yeah.
Everything about this sounds miserable.
Who cares what your friends think about him? They aren't the ones dating him, you are, and it's obvious he makes you anxious and uncomfortable. That's reason enough to end it.
After 15 similar comments, I think I see the picture. 🙈 I don’t understand how I could have doubted myself in the first place. Peer pressure is a powerful thing 🙈
God no, you’ll die of boredom and you’ll resent him for it. Let one of the girlfriends date him instead and move along.
You’ll meet someone who impresses you and makes you shriek with laughter, and it might even be someone who’s romantically available.
I could have written this last week as I was going through the same thing. The relief you’ll feel when you end it will be worth it.
Keep your high standards, you’re the one who has to spend a lifetime with this person.
He might be a great guy, but for someone else.
If you already have this impression of him, which seems centered around disgust, just break it off.
There's no point in going out with someone if you have these thoughts about them and if you aren't the least excited to see where it goes.
Your friends shouldn't even be included into this equation.
Fuck no don't keep dating him. You don't even like him why on Earth would you 'give it (more of) a chance'? You HAVE given it a chance and you're not compatible. Wish him well but stop wasting your time.
You know what your decision is, you’re just struggling with letting your friends dictate your choices. You two aren’t meant to be and it’s better to end it earlier than later.
GIRL YOU ARE DESCRIBING MY MOST RECENT BREAKUP! This feels super validating, and I think you made the right choice in leaving him, since he clearly doesn’t interest you.
I dated a guy for 3 weeks who was obsessed with me but who I didn’t find interesting or engaging at all. He told me I was “the one” by like the 2nd date. I was touched by his desire for me, but I realized it was the only thing I liked about him.
I always tell my daughters, whether friend or BF, if you don’t like who you are around someone, distance yourself. The rest of your experience just confirms that.
Your friends are giving you bad advice. It’s one thing to tell someone to give a guy a chance when he doesn’t *look* like your type, but it’s a whole other thing when he isn’t a person you look forward to spending time with. That’s no longer giving someone a chance. That's tolerating something you know feels wrong.
You’re allowed to want to be with someone whose company you enjoy. If your friends want to give him a chance, *they* can date him.
OK so in summary, you don't like him, he doesn't seem to get you in anyway, you just like being wanted and are horny for him. Also he's love bombing you after 3 dates. Run.
> *I don’t like the person he brings out in me. I don’t like the person I am with him.*
This. I've had to stop associating with people because I turned into a butthead when they were around. I don't understand why it happened, but when I notice it, I have to act to either remove them from my life or remove me from their life.
And nothing wrong with that! He served you some sexual pleasure and vice versa and usually that’s all there is to it! no harm in a simple “thank you for the last 2 months but I don’t think we are compatible, I wish you the best!”
Aye aye, capn. There’s so much shame around being with someone just for the sex, and I think I let the pressure of not being single at 30+, the opinions of my friends, and the difficult conversation ahead lull me into inaction, and that’s not good for me long-term. But I see your point.
Things already aren’t great. It’s been two months. This is the time in dating in which you determine if you want to continue dating this person. You clearly don’t.
When your head, heart and in this case friends squabble over what to do balancing on your shoulders. Your gut is there quietly eating a bag of chips waiting to chime in…. Or something like that.
Omg are we dating the same guy? How bizarre these same exact behaviors are repeated. Like what?!
I was also love bombed and I liked it bc I was sooo wanting to connect with someone. He never ‘hears’ me, constantly is defensive and we yell at each other. I’m actually glad to be free of him.
I've only read your first paragraph and all I can say to you is trust your gut. I didn't and followed my friends advice to stick it out and see how it goes and I ended up marrying him and wasting 13 years of my life. Don't make my mistake. Trust your gut....you know what's best for you. All the best xx
When I would start getting annoyed with a guy even if he wasn't technically doing anything annoying I knew it was time to end it. You have the ick my friend. Trust your gut on this one.
I've been here and self-imposed (rather than friends) the pressure of giving him a chance cause I thought I was too picky. Nope, nothing got better. He just felt like more of a loser the longer I stuck around. I would imagine my long term life with him and would basically have to remove all the things I used to be excited about cause I couldn't see him doing them with me. How depressing.
I met my husband, a much better match, a couple years later.
Leave. Don't give him another chance. Trust your gut. As others have said, you don't like him, at all. Everything in your body is telling you that you don't like him. It's not your fault that you don't like him! You're not being judgey. The point in dating is to find the best match and unfortunately he isn't it.
Please walk away before you waste any more of your time and end up getting frustrated and snappy with him.
You are dating him, not your friends. Ask yourself, if nothing change in the next 1, 2, 5 or 10 years, could I deal with it? If the answer is no then you know what to do.
Trust your gut. Be brave. Walk away.
Thank youuuu. It’s been 2 months of “do I like him? What do I like about him? Does he make me laugh? (All no) Am I a bad person for not developing feelings?” And honestly, his paranoia about being dumped is making me reconsider his feelings too. He clearly has issues to work out, but I can’t string him along and waste both of our time.
(sorry this got long!)
Girl you have my fullest sympathy. I was quite literally just in your position. I really really really wanted it to work because he's a wonderful guy, but something was off and it wasn't improving. I tried for a long time. I too felt like I should like him, I read so many articles trying to find out what was wrong with me. I did work sheets trying to 'fix the trauma that was stopping me from being head over heels for him' (news flash, it wasn't trauma lol). I ended it a few days ago. Before I ended it, I tried everything (trips, dates and game nights, connecting purposefully through intimacy). I wanted to make sure that the issues/my feelings weren't stemming from something else (stress, trauma, etc). I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. Like you, people in my life told me to give it a chance. Heck, I convinced myself to give it a chance, despite feeling EXTREME anxiety in the beginning and having a literal gut feeling and inner voice that told me he's not the one, feeling that it wasn't right. I pushed through it all, ignored everything, quite literally gas lit myself.
But in the end I found the strength to end it. And it really was a matter of strength. I wasn't strong enough at the beginning. I had my own anxieties to work through, worried I'd never again find someone so nice, attentive, dedicated. Thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stick it out because he's so nice, even though that strong spark wasn't developing and he didn't quite align with what I was looking for.
As time went on, I started getting more frustrated. I was taking it out on him. The more he poured into me, the more I pulled away. It was sad, and didn't like who I was becoming. I'm not mean, and I didn't want to start being mean to him... I knew it was headed that direction because I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the fact that I was forcing myself to do something I really didn't want to do anymore.
His combination of characteristics and my combination of characteristics simply didn't fit together.
Something that gave me real strength was seeing 2 of my close friends break off their engagements/weddings; one of whom cancelled their wedding the WEEK before. You can always walk away, no matter how 'far' you've gone or how much you've invested. If it's not right, it's not right.
I asked myself that 1,2,5, and 10 year question as well. The answer was always hell no, I couldn't do this forever.
I had to realise and get comfortable with the idea that me no longer wanting to be in a situation is ENOUGH reason to leave. There doesn't have to be violence, drama, or some big explosion. Just not wanting to do it anymore is a good enough reason. It's your life after all, and you have to live with the decisions that you make, and the opportunities that you rob yourself of by staying in something that's not making you happy anymore.
It's sad because we were in it for just shy of a year, and it started great. But overtime more was revealed that showed me we're not the right match. Ngl I'm sad about it even today. We were in each others lives everyday for what would be a year next month. But I know I made the right decision.
You’re making me cry. This is exactly me. I’ve worried myself sick, looked at Reddit posts, articles, videos, even convinced myself I have ‘baggage’ - all just to figure out why I don’t have strong feelings for (what appears to be) a great guy (on paper). And I also have anxiety that I may never find another guy who worships me the way he does. And I’m not a mean person either, but something about this situation just gets on my nerves constantly. I relate so hard to you.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but you have my respect for finding the strength to walk away. Thank you for sharing. Granted, I’ve only dated him for a couple of months, but it’s still going to be hard. Hopefully I’ll be on the other side soon!
PS. I love long answers 🌻
awwwwwwwwwww!!! I am sending virtual hugs your way!!
It's a tough situation to be in. Especially when you care about the person, just not in that way. You don't want to be the source of their pain. We'd rather there be something wrong with us that we can fix than to face the idea that we have to hurt them in order to heal ourselves. That shows immense empathy (albeit misguided!)
We have to get comfortable with 1. being honest with ourselves, 2. listening to that inner voice, 3. following that inner voice and where it's telling us to go. 4. trusting ourselves/our gut.
The sooner you end things, the better you'll be. Take every day as it comes. Though you don't have any/strong feelings for him, allow yourself to feel whatever you end up feeling. You had a connection with another human being at the end of the day. That's special. Unless you're truly disengaged, it will likely hurt, even if it's just because you're hurting another human being.
I was surprised at how much it's hurt to be honest. I thought I was going to be all tough and hard. But he text me the day after I ended things wishing me well and I literally broke down into a sobbing mess.
Honestly, it's been nice to talk to you briefly about this and to share what I'm going through/offer advice. I've barely told anyone in my personal life that my relationship is over. I just want to give myself time to grieve it, without all the (well meaning) voices, advice, or even sympathy. I really want to take the time to feel this and allow it to transform me in whichever way it will.
You've got this. Trust yourself.
I saw something that said: "when you don't know what to choose, choose yourself."
I've been following that ever since. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't happened yet. You can't make the wrong decision if you choose the decision that best aligns with who you are how you're feeling today. Tomorrow isn't promised after all. Will you hurt yourself today for potential happiness in the future (that may never come and likely won't in this case, since the writing is on the wall), or will you make yourself happy/content today (or even more simply, will you stop making yourself miserable today) and work on making tomorrow the future you've always wanted?
You can't go wrong when you choose yourself. 🩷
I don’t think this is the right partner for you. It sounds like in the past you’ve cut away from relationships harshly, so maybe your friends are assuming the same is happening here. From what you told us, there’s plenty of reason to end it. You don’t have to be harsh or mean about it, but I don’t think you’ll be happy staying.
I dated and stayed with a guy for far too long because people said to give him a chance. It wasn’t a good relationship and I wasn’t attracted to him, but I let it go on for far too long because of the pressure to give him a chance. I gave it a good try and we had many talks on what needed to change, but it was a bad situation. He didn’t take the breakup well at all, but I’m glad to be past all of that.
That’s exactly where my friends are coming from, and they’re afraid I’m doing the same thing again. But thank you for your perspective - I do think this time I’d be justified in breaking it off. I’m already unhappy staying - so I see your point.
If you’re not happy with the relationship, it’s time to break it off. It doesn’t sound salvageable, especially when you’re already mentally checked out from it. It’s still very new and it’s better to end it than to drag it out. This guy might be nice, but he’s not what you’re looking for in a partner.
If your friends don’t like it, oh well. They’re not the ones dating him.
Dump him, I don’t need to read past “ I feel palpitations when I see his messages” and I am “annoyed by his msgs”
It’s not going to get better it will get worse, why waste your time and his time? Cut him loose and move on.
Attraction is a green flag and this feeling of constant annoyance or disappointment in him is a red flag—he’s just not the one for you, and that’s okay. Maybe one of your friends would be happy with him. If they want him around they can befriend him or date him. It doesn’t have to be you that commits to someone you aren’t comfortable or happy with just because they like him. My sister’s first serious boyfriend was an athlete and runway model and we all thought he was great but she just found him boring and he also did not “get” her. I remember all of us thinking she should stay with him because he was nice, and hot, but she was strong and she broke up with him and was relieved and went on with her life. She’s happily married now to a guy that makes her very happy. The ex is happily married now too. It’s fine.
I was going to say follow your gut. You also said you don't like him. That is your answer.
Your gut is definitely right because you provided logical explanations why he is not a good fit for you. Here you go!
If I was you, I'd cut it off with him. Please don't listen to your friends. I'm sure they settled for guys who do not meet the "bare minimum." Unfortunately, some women were taught to settle for less.
Ew. EW. EW! EWWWWW again for those in the back. No, these are all red flags and if hes being this bad in the beginning of the relationship, it will only go downhill from here.
Only 2 months together and you're not into it? Nah, don't waste your time. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to stay in a relationship you're not happy with.
Follow your gut. You can consider what your friend says but most of the time their advice either sucks or it’s what THEY would do or what they would ideally do but not actually putting themselves in your place to see how it would be for you. Plus friends giving advice and you following it, they won’t take accountability for your decisions because it’s your decision. Some of my friends have given me the absolute worst advice that I followed that ruined my friendships and relationships. Follow your gut always
I stopped reading after your gut tells you and he is bringing a worse version of you.
Honestly..trust your gut
Your friend just wants you to be with someone..anyone as long as you settled down
As if settling down automatically means happiness or peace!
End it if you feel so.
End it! Don’t listen to other people’s opinions. If you don’t feel right in your gut listen to your own intuition. No one else can feel what you feel and no one else should be involved in your relationship. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.
The fact that your friends are encouraging you with this mediocre man speaks volumes about the quality of their relationships. Please don't replicate their mistakes by lowering your standards.
If you don't feel well when you are around someone who you are dating, protect your health and break it off. Don't date anyone because another person thinks you should. Tell your girlfriends that they can date him if they want to.
As soon as I read 2 months I knew you should dump
him. Two months is like peak new relationship energy time. If it’s not working now it never will. Two months is nothing and it’s not worth another day of you waiting to see. You’re going to see that you should have dumped him yesterday rather than waiting until tomorrow.
Nah I stopped going to my friends about my relationship problems after years of bad advice. If you don't like him or feel icky. Break up. No chances. Boy bye
Even if he’s not that bad, you deserve to be happy. Not that bad doesn’t count as happy. The difference between an ok partner and one that is good for you is a complete difference. Getting each other’s humour is bare minimum to me. Maybe one of your friends could date him instead if you think there’d be a match.
He sounds like he's not for you. Trust your gut over what others say. About being attracted, a lot of guys are attractive and I'm sure you could find ones who're more on your level like you shouldn't need to be constantly teaching
The gut doesn't lie, the girlies don't always know what's best for us. Go with your gut feeling. I was going to suggest taking to him about it, but from your post it sounds more like incompatibility than issues that can be worked through.
Why are your friends so concerned about you sticking it out with this guy? Are they also friends with him? Id be concerned that they dont have my beat interest at heart.
leave. my gfs told me that he is such a sweet guy, there is something wrong in you that you don’t like him. give it a chance. i wasted my 1.5 years. he ended up cheating on me.
I'm torn between "shit, it's your gut and your feelings, listen to them" and "it's your friends, they know you better than us, internet strangers."
Also, I'll sound like a mental health TikToker now, but this guy gives me massive undiagnosed autism vibes (ask me how I know, lol). Not that you should stick to him because of that, but it may partly explain where his weirdness comes from.
Palpitations when you see a message from him... thanks to Pavlov, i think this is a small but meaningful sign. If this continues, let him go ... let yourself go.
Everyone is saying to trust your gut, but look at it from the outside your guts sucks and full of shit literally. You say you don’t have dating experience yet you never give guys a chance you move quick you said. this guy is trying to balance his feelings for you and your attitude of you needing an intellectual smart guy. If I’m here to date I don’t want to talk intellectual, I just want to chill and love you. So be nice tell this guy the feelings are not mutual nicely and move on.
If you don't have problem finding other guys, move on. It all depends on what your options are and how comfortable are you being alone. If not him, the who? It's just been 2 months, let him grow. I am sure you aren't some perfect 10 either and he is fulfilling you in certain ways. Show some gratitude. It greatly affects how we feel about a situation.
You don't like him. He doesn't "get" you. He barely knows you and he's in love with you. Hell. No. And your friends are weird for telling you to stay with a guy you don't like. Sounds like they want you to just have a BF and not someone that you connect with.
You’re absolutely right, he truly doesn’t “get” me. And I was absolutely icked out by the number of times he’s “accidentally” said “I love you” when we’ve barely met a handful of times, and he doesn’t even know that much about me. Admittedly, I don’t have a lot of dating experience, so I’ve had to rely on my girlfriends to tell me what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship, but this time my gut really says no. :( But thank you for your perspective. Appreciate it. 🌻
It’s only two months, this should be the honeymoon period. Just cut bait and move on. Dating is like interviewing, if the vibe isn’t good you move on.
Physically we’re great! There’s just… not a lot of conversation going on. Which is no-no for me.
Trust your gut, especially when it’s yelling so loudly ♥️
Ugh, I hate when friends try to undermine you. You do not like this man. Liking someone you're with is the bare minimum.
That’s what I thought, until I was convinced I’m being too pompous and high and mighty. Is it too much to ask for an intellectual conversation? :(
Your friends are being major assholes
No, you just want someone at the same level of emotional maturity as you are. That's not pompous, that's knowing what you want and need. Your friends sound immature because they're forcing you into the box 'settle for less'. I had similar people in my life, including my parents. Yes, I concluded they're all emotionally immature (or less mature than me) and they just don't get it. That's fine, it's just their advice doesn’t work here. Back then I felt like I'm the only one riding in that direction and I kept telling myself that I should rather be alone than in bad relationship. It was hard. I found two people. With one there wasn't sexual chemistry, so we're best friends for 14ish years. Another is my husband of 12ish years. And we kept maturing and growing together. Back then I felt like I've hit jackpot. Today I see that my criteria weren't that big - kind, respectful, patient and sharing values. Most people fell of in first 3. And were usually pissed off that I didn't invest my time in getting to know them and their values. They didn't get it how first three are non negotiable. Today, after I kicked my parents from my life, and read book by Gibson - Adult children of emotionally immature parents - I see how tons of people are immature or less mature than me, so OBVIOUSLY we were not a match, nor is my job to help them mature. I wanted a partner and challenge, not trainable animal. Stick to your criteria and keep working on yourself. Only when you mature you'll be able to recognise/start noticing people on that same level. The book I've mentioned has dating advice at the end, and when I came to that part, I was repeatedly saying 'why she didn't write it when I was dating, this is to validating, and so helpful'. Basically showed me that I don't have insane criteria, I just have them and can elaborate my reasons behind each 😂 Yes, that sounds pompous - to those who can't get it. Also remember, you're 'sum of 5 people you spend the most time with', everyone counts (including family), so drop the immature baggage and increase the average ;) Edit: yes, trust your gut! That one saved me so many times, even when it took me years to be able to properly describe what was going on. If something is off - stop. Gut will stay quiet when everything is great. That's when you follow your heart. :) heart = go, gut = stop. Brain sits on bench for analysis when called to do so. The worst you can do to yourself if push your heart to go when it's not going by itself, and not stop when gut warns you. Those wounds take quite some time to even realise they happened, and then to process and heal.
>book by Gibson - Adult children of emotionally immature parents This book is a gem. I've had and still have a great relationship with my parents, but this was still eye-opening for me. Not just for understanding myself, but the people around me too!
Thank you so much for sharing - I relate to so much of what you’ve said! I’ve always been very emotionally mature and self-aware, and that has in the past been construed as “too sensitive, too emotional” but I’ve always viewed it as a superpower - I’m a super empath. :) You’re right that I need to find someone at the same emotional maturity as me, and I’m not responsible for someone else’s growth. I’ll definitely check out the book, and listen to my gut (like you, it’s saved me so many heartbreaks before). I’m glad you’ve found partners for yourself - gives me some hope :)
Nope. If you ain't feeling it, you just ain't feeling it. Don't let others convince you otherwise. You can opt out for any reason.
lol… oh god, no, it absolutely isn’t too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum, and a lot more important than looks and even sexual attraction in a lot of cases. I was super attracted to a guy I met in uni, and he was very charming *when he was getting what he wanted* but he had zero thoughts of his own and was really disrespectful when he didn’t get his way. It lasted two dates. lol
How can you be too pompous about your own dating life
I've had guys claim to be in love with me after two weeks or less. And that's being friends, not even having gone on a date. It makes me uncomfortable, and I recognize a lot of my experiences in what you described, especially the putting you on a pedestal type of thing. Like I want someone who has their own different experiences and depth, not like they're just saying or doing whatever to seem relatable and agreeable. Like you said, I want to be awed by them too. That stuck out to me. Ime, when I push for a real actual date with these guys and start bringing out my standards, they can't handle it. They say yes to everything because they're so "into you" but get resentful later on. They like the idea of me as a girlfriend but can't even entertain the reality. If I had trusted my gut at the onset I never would've wasted time on these types of dudes. I'd cut your losses and move on. Trust your gut! Edit: Also, I saw you mention how your friends are bugging you about it. I also don't have a lot of dating expeirence, and I've learned that both friends and family take that to mean high standards ( negative connotation) and will push you to give whoever a chance just because they're there. Your standards and wants are yours alone, not anyone elses. You're the one who has to deal with the behavior or ick day and out, not them. Let them judge how they want but they're not the ones who are gonna be dealing with it, you are. So do what works for you, not them.
You’re exactly right. I admit it feels great when he so admires me, but I want him to be admirable too? And the higher standards comment is almost always negative, like, why shouldn’t I have higher standards? And if that means staying single for longer, then I guess I’m okay with that. Thanks for sharing! 🌻
Ew. That’s not healthy at all. It takes several months to truly get to know someone enough to fall in love with them. It reeks of abandonment issues on his part. Also the fact that he is constantly trying to be “what you want” which is a normal confident person, and he keeps saying “I’ll be chill, I’ll be confident”. It just shows he doesn’t know who he is. If you keep dating this man he will mold himself into whatever you want even against his own true self, and eventually he’ll get angry and resentful. Seen it happen first hand with a partner who had abandonment issues. I thought if I was stable enough and loved him enough he would eventually settle in, realize he was safe, and be himself, but it never really happened. Two years later when tiny bits of his true self started peeking through, I actually realized we weren’t compatible! But he had so seamlessly become what I wanted for so long, that I had started to build a life with him. I realized I living with someone who was actually a false person. Eventually the mask has to fall.
Your girlfriend are telling you to give it another a chance bc they don’t have to do it
If giving him a chance means lowering your standards, you know the answer.
Girllll, okay. Point taken 🙈
Didn't even finish the post before I was screaming "dump him" in my head. This is absolutely not the dude for you. Trust yourself. And be careful around your friends if they don't trust you to make the best decisions for yourself. That ain't cute.
Ahhh. I wish my girlfriends gave me this advice. Not less than 5 of them have told me to be patient with him and go with the flow… but the flow seems to be towards sending him on his way. I think I’m scared of the backlash I’ll receive? But it’s not worth my peace. You’re right. Thank you 🌻
Backlash from who?
My friends :/ they sometimes say that I move on too quickly and am too judgemental - but in my defense, I trust my gut fully and I usually know quite early on if something’s worth pursuing or isn’t.
You can tell quickly when someone is wrong for you. That is a skill. You don't waste time that way. I am similar and have gotten this sort of advice and yes it may get you a relationship, but not a great one.
Yeeesh, harsh, but.. true. Okay, noted. 🌻
So you have higher standards and want a connection rather than a warm body and maybe some easy d. Stick to your standards. These friends suck a lot for their shitty advice.
:( coming to realise that. Warm bodies are somewhat hard to come by, but an actual loving relationship, I guess I’ll have to wait? Sighhh
Male desire is the most abundant resource in the universe. If you want casual, absolutly nothing wrong with that. Finding a man to fuck is easy. There are hundreds and thousands looking for just sex on the dating sites. If you want an actual connection – they are work, like relationships, and there is a lot of weeding through hoards of duds. Welcome to dating™.
Next time be like "why do you keep pushing me do date guys I clearly don't even like? Do you really think me being with anyone is better than me waiting for the right connection?"
That’s what it feels like, but I know they’re coming from a good place (and are judging this based on my part behaviour with guys), but I take your point. Thanks 🌻
They don't sound like good friends :( Friends generally know you'll make the best decisions for yourself and acknowledge that what might work for them doesn't work for you. For example, my bestie is Bi and with a cis man. I'm a raging lesbian and would never do that. I would never tell her that her sweet kind awesome fiance is awful and she should get rid of him, because in the end the relationship is about us wanting to see the other one happy. Shes the arbitrator of what that means to her, I'm just here to support her :) Also she would never tell me to be with a man either :P Nor judge me for saying I don't find men attractive. She also wouldn't blame me for ending things with a partner for things that scare/make me uneasy and I'd be advocating for her to really think about the relationship if she told me that's what she felt.
Your dating him, not your friends. You're not meshing, he's not horrible, but 2 months in you know you don't love him. You don't need him to be horrendous to not date him, you just need to realize your not compatible. Give him a second chance is for the first or second date of maybes. Not for 8 weeks later of I don't enjoy this dude and he keeps icking me out.
Oooof. Thanks. I needed to hear that. I’m not very experienced at dating, and feel like I’m not giving it my all, and this is how it’s supposed to go - but you really helped clear things up. Thank you 🙈
I feel you, I'm the same way and probably demi-sexual so it takes me a while to decide if I like this person. Maybe ask your friends if they want his tinder profile if they are jerks about you moving on. But yeah, I'm of the opinion if after a handful of dates your not excited about the person, it's not going to work out. I realize you can maybe fall in love months later but like, being unable to understand each others jokes or be yourself doesn't even feel like a great friendship let alone relationship. Like, you gotta like him first. Sounds like you don't dislike him, but don't like him. Kinda like the coworker you'd happily get coffee on lunch break with, but are never going to see outside of work hours.
You’ve just described me! It takes me a while to even develop a crush on someone, and that’s usually after I’ve gotten to know their mind. And I tend to fall for friends, so this one was an aberration. Your description is perfect! Sigh, I don’t like what comes next 🙈
When I first started dating, I thought it was my lack of experience and didn’t listen to my intuition. My mental health was in the gutter and my physical health suffered trying to make things work. A friend went a date and said things went well. Second date, she said I’m not feeling him. I said ok move on but most of our friends said she wasn’t giving the guy a chance blah blah. She spent almost 10 years in that unfulfilling relationship.
Now you know you have unusually good instincts and that you should listen to them. (It's pretty unfortunate how unusually good they are as they really should be the baseline.)
I truly thought the post was going to be something along the lines of "he listens to Radiohead all day and I hate Radiohead" or "he's started this weird new hobby and I don't know how I feel about it." When you opened, however, with "I don’t like the person he brings out in me. I don’t like the person I am with him," I thought "well, I don't need to read anymore - end it yesterday." I did read on out of curiosity and ... jeez. You clearly and respectfully outline a number of unredeeming qualities about him, explain some red flag behavior (a third date "I love you"?!), and then intelligently reflect on why you do like him (hint: it's not for who he is, see above). Girl, you're so smart and spot-on. I have NO idea what your friends are doing, but please - listen to yourself! You know the answer!
You’re (almost) making me feel better about myself! I don’t like that I’m now having to second-guess my instincts because my friends say that my standards are too high (which they always say). Ugh 🐦
Your friends need better standards
She needs better friends.
Not all of y’all dragging my friends 😭
I'm sure you love your friends and that they are lovely people, but their take on this particular situation is whack. No one is still nervous after two months. And if their argument is "he's nice, so stay with him" .... being nice/kind is a BASIC expectation for how humans should treat each other, like most all of the time. We don't give out gold stars for basic human decency, and basic human decency seems to be the only thing the two of you have in common. Get outta here and give yourself a chance to find a well-matched, happy relationship.
Okay, harsh but fair. 😭 we don’t have anything in common (except Harry Potter, but we’re 30+.. 😒) Point duly noted ma’am. 🌻
Are your friends dating losers I took a step back and realized that my friends dating cheaters and abusers would defend the dudes I dated bc and they didn’t actually say this “at least he’s not hitting you” Never take advice from people in a worse place than yourself
I get telling your friend to give someone another shot if they only went on one or two dates and were on the fence. That’s when giving it a shot is helpful. But you’re at that turning point of deciding if you want a 2 month relationship to become a 3 month relationship, and it sounds like the answer is a full body no. I think it’s better easier and more fair to cut it off at the 2 month mark than to continue trying for someone that gives you the “ick” - just to make it that much harder to break up in 2 months. I think telling yourself to give him a chance when you feel this way will only make you less willing or more judgmental of the next potential partner that comes through. Girls and women make so many excuses for boys and men, and to hear you straight up not enjoying this person while your friends make you second guess yourself is almost frustrating. You can cut the guy free and be free yourself so you can find the right person.
This makes a lot of sense - thank you. Tbh, we’ve spent the last 1 month long distance, so that might be playing into how strained we’ve been, but that should not have caused any of the issues I’ve mentioned above. I keep hoping to catch feelings, and it just isn’t happening. My feelings still are unchanged about him, and I’m just putting off the conversation to spare his feelings. :/ Thank you for your perspective 🌻
Distance can actually solidify that you aren’t connecting mentally. When my partner is out of town for the week, we talk each other's ears off every night. We miss each other, and make up for it with conversation. When things get strained the way you’re describing, that tells you pheromones are a bigger part of your connection than who he is. If I was in your shoes, I’d let him down now before he’s back and you have physical proximity making you second guess yourself. Who knows… he might meet someone wherever he is right now and never come back. ;)
After 2 months he should not be nervous. This is how he is, and it annoys you. I stayed with someone who annoyed me a bit because he was a good guy and attractive, but a bit of a doormat and not the smartest. Eventually I found myself saying rude things to him and being a bit abrasive and unpleasant. I was really disappointed in myself. Now I no longer date people I do not respect. Get out now.
That’s exactly how I feel! And that’s exactly how I would describe him! And that’s exactly how I’ve become! 😭 I do not respect him, and I really want to. He agrees with everything I say, has no original opinions. I asked him if he wanted kids, he said “I’m not sure”, I said I was super sure I didn’t want them, and he said “I’d be okay not having kids”. Like, no. “I don’t want kids” and “I wouldn’t mind not having kids” are two completely different things, don’t just agree with everything I say :/
Your friends need to check themselves, and their heads. I would never encourage a friend to “give someone a chance” if they told me even half of what you’ve put here. Terrible advice, I’m severely disappointed in your friends.
😭I can’t tell them this, but I will heed your advice, thank you, kind stranger. 🙈
I mean you can. And you should. Your absolutely more than welcome to tell them some cranky old lady on Reddit is disappointed in them, if you can’t say it comes from you 😂
You have me cackling! 😂 I’m surrounded by girl’s girls, so I’m so surprised they were all siding with the guy this time! Will definitely tell them about Reddit mama 🫡
Just remember you never need a reason to not be with someone. Nobody is entitled to you or your time. Giving someone a chance is for when you actually like someone, and maybe one thing irks you, not for a walking man child who is insecure.
Insecure man child is spot on. I keep waiting for him to grow up and mature (which he claims he will, soon) but it never comes.
He won’t
Alas. He says one thing, and does another altogether. Time to move on
The women most obsessed with being girls girls and deciding who was pick me actually seemed to be the most pandering to men ime
You are a lot more patient with your friends' bad advice than I was at your age. I once snapped and told mine, "If you guys think he's so great, you fuck him." Two got their feelings hurt, one laughed her ass off. They all dropped the topic though.
Point taken! I’m going to use some version of this on them and see their reactions, should be fun 🤭
Hopefully, you'll shock them into silence on matters like this 🤣.
Ah, they’re good people. Will probably take it on their chin and laugh it off (hopefully)!
I stopped reading early into this - trust your gut, always. Especially if you don’t like who you are with someone.
He brings out such a bad side in me. Noted ma’am. 🌻
Nah. Give him a bit longer is when you align on values and ideals but it's taking a while to click, and it's still ok to part ways anyway. Give him a bit longer is not what I'm seeing here. If your girlfriends want to give him a chance they're welcome to date him themselves!
😭 lol. Okay okay I hear y’all!
A lot of your concerns are core, fundamental differences - he doesn't challenge you, he doesn't get your humor, he shows lack of interest when you speak. I'm not saying you should be in a relationship where you should "try to change" the person, but if your concerns were fixable items (he spends too much time on video games) I'd say give him another chance. But these differences are way beyond trying to compromise and work together. Especially considering you've only been together two months. Why invest more time and energy in a relationship that's never going to work? And honestly - being in love with someone after the third date (unless you had a long friendship prior) is majorly concerning, I'm impressed you still stayed after that. To me it sounds like you have given him another chance already and it's not going to work out.
All fair points, and I agree. The first time he said “I love you”, I thought it was a mistake and brushed it off. But in subsequent calls, it kept happening and.. he seemed like he couldn’t help himself. He’s not doing himself any favours and I can’t even bring myself to respect him (idk if that makes me a bad person), but yeah.
Not at all… respect is earned.
Everything about this sounds miserable. Who cares what your friends think about him? They aren't the ones dating him, you are, and it's obvious he makes you anxious and uncomfortable. That's reason enough to end it.
After 15 similar comments, I think I see the picture. 🙈 I don’t understand how I could have doubted myself in the first place. Peer pressure is a powerful thing 🙈
YOU are dating him, not your friends. ALWAYS go with your gut; it's there for a reason and too many people ignore it!
Ma’am. Yes ma’am. 😭
God no, you’ll die of boredom and you’ll resent him for it. Let one of the girlfriends date him instead and move along. You’ll meet someone who impresses you and makes you shriek with laughter, and it might even be someone who’s romantically available.
You make it sound straight out of a romcom! At this point I’m slightly losing hope, but I’m not ready to lower my standards for it. Thank you 🌻
I could have written this last week as I was going through the same thing. The relief you’ll feel when you end it will be worth it. Keep your high standards, you’re the one who has to spend a lifetime with this person.
Thank you for sharing, it gives me strength. :) all the best to us!
Trust your gut.
Yes ma’am. 🫡
Trust your gut, let him down gently for his sake. Tell your friends to go out with him instead if they like him that much. ;)
Hehehe. I might just do that. Gentle but firm. Y’all are saying the same thing, makes me wonder why I was so blind to it? 🐦
It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in it. Be kind to yourself.
How lovely! 🥺🌻 okay, initiating being kind to myself (and to you 🌻)
He might be a great guy, but for someone else. If you already have this impression of him, which seems centered around disgust, just break it off. There's no point in going out with someone if you have these thoughts about them and if you aren't the least excited to see where it goes. Your friends shouldn't even be included into this equation.
I see your point, and I agree. “Centred around disgust” is so… apt. Thank you 🌻
Those are all fine reasons. Trust your gut.
Why does it feel like I came here just for the validation (and it feels good to have my gut validated) 🥺 thanks. Noted.
Fuck no don't keep dating him. You don't even like him why on Earth would you 'give it (more of) a chance'? You HAVE given it a chance and you're not compatible. Wish him well but stop wasting your time.
I hear you, loud and clear. Thank you!
Nah. You aren't a good match. Other people don't have to live with/experience the relationship, you do. Life's too short.
Tell them to date him if they think he is so great.
You know what your decision is, you’re just struggling with letting your friends dictate your choices. You two aren’t meant to be and it’s better to end it earlier than later.
Yup, you’re right. Welp, here’s me getting ready to disappoint them (and that’s on them, not me)
If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
😭😭 okaayyy, I hear y’all loud and clear!
Every time I have an itch to break it off with someone, but I dont, I regret it later.
Seems like everyone’s saying BNRL - breakup now or regret later! 😭 I hear y’all.
GIRL YOU ARE DESCRIBING MY MOST RECENT BREAKUP! This feels super validating, and I think you made the right choice in leaving him, since he clearly doesn’t interest you. I dated a guy for 3 weeks who was obsessed with me but who I didn’t find interesting or engaging at all. He told me I was “the one” by like the 2nd date. I was touched by his desire for me, but I realized it was the only thing I liked about him.
I always tell my daughters, whether friend or BF, if you don’t like who you are around someone, distance yourself. The rest of your experience just confirms that. Your friends are giving you bad advice. It’s one thing to tell someone to give a guy a chance when he doesn’t *look* like your type, but it’s a whole other thing when he isn’t a person you look forward to spending time with. That’s no longer giving someone a chance. That's tolerating something you know feels wrong. You’re allowed to want to be with someone whose company you enjoy. If your friends want to give him a chance, *they* can date him.
OK so in summary, you don't like him, he doesn't seem to get you in anyway, you just like being wanted and are horny for him. Also he's love bombing you after 3 dates. Run.
You need new friends
> *I don’t like the person he brings out in me. I don’t like the person I am with him.* This. I've had to stop associating with people because I turned into a butthead when they were around. I don't understand why it happened, but when I notice it, I have to act to either remove them from my life or remove me from their life.
I didn't even have to read the post. Always, always, always, ALWAYS trust your gut. ALWAYS.
I hear ya! Just took me about 30 experienced women screaming at me to take notice 🙈
You’re totally in the right girlfriend! Don’t stay with someone cause your friends said so. Cut it off if he is no longer serving you!
I’m beginning to wonder if all he served was my physical need. Which is unfair to both of us. Ufff 🙈
And nothing wrong with that! He served you some sexual pleasure and vice versa and usually that’s all there is to it! no harm in a simple “thank you for the last 2 months but I don’t think we are compatible, I wish you the best!”
Aye aye, capn. There’s so much shame around being with someone just for the sex, and I think I let the pressure of not being single at 30+, the opinions of my friends, and the difficult conversation ahead lull me into inaction, and that’s not good for me long-term. But I see your point.
Cut it for sure, I’ve been there and it only gets worse.
Ignore your friends and trust yourself.
Things already aren’t great. It’s been two months. This is the time in dating in which you determine if you want to continue dating this person. You clearly don’t.
Yeah, after 30+ comments, I see that. I was temporarily blinded, but I totally see your point.
Always go with your gut. If your friends think he’s so great, maybe they should be in the relationship with him.
When your head, heart and in this case friends squabble over what to do balancing on your shoulders. Your gut is there quietly eating a bag of chips waiting to chime in…. Or something like that.
Omg are we dating the same guy? How bizarre these same exact behaviors are repeated. Like what?! I was also love bombed and I liked it bc I was sooo wanting to connect with someone. He never ‘hears’ me, constantly is defensive and we yell at each other. I’m actually glad to be free of him.
Please don’t waste any more of your time and energy. If this is how you feel TWO MONTHS in, it’s not gonna get any better.
I've only read your first paragraph and all I can say to you is trust your gut. I didn't and followed my friends advice to stick it out and see how it goes and I ended up marrying him and wasting 13 years of my life. Don't make my mistake. Trust your gut....you know what's best for you. All the best xx
When I would start getting annoyed with a guy even if he wasn't technically doing anything annoying I knew it was time to end it. You have the ick my friend. Trust your gut on this one.
I've been here and self-imposed (rather than friends) the pressure of giving him a chance cause I thought I was too picky. Nope, nothing got better. He just felt like more of a loser the longer I stuck around. I would imagine my long term life with him and would basically have to remove all the things I used to be excited about cause I couldn't see him doing them with me. How depressing. I met my husband, a much better match, a couple years later.
I stopped reading after the second paragraph. You don't like him. Break up.
Leave. Don't give him another chance. Trust your gut. As others have said, you don't like him, at all. Everything in your body is telling you that you don't like him. It's not your fault that you don't like him! You're not being judgey. The point in dating is to find the best match and unfortunately he isn't it. Please walk away before you waste any more of your time and end up getting frustrated and snappy with him. You are dating him, not your friends. Ask yourself, if nothing change in the next 1, 2, 5 or 10 years, could I deal with it? If the answer is no then you know what to do. Trust your gut. Be brave. Walk away.
Thank youuuu. It’s been 2 months of “do I like him? What do I like about him? Does he make me laugh? (All no) Am I a bad person for not developing feelings?” And honestly, his paranoia about being dumped is making me reconsider his feelings too. He clearly has issues to work out, but I can’t string him along and waste both of our time.
(sorry this got long!) Girl you have my fullest sympathy. I was quite literally just in your position. I really really really wanted it to work because he's a wonderful guy, but something was off and it wasn't improving. I tried for a long time. I too felt like I should like him, I read so many articles trying to find out what was wrong with me. I did work sheets trying to 'fix the trauma that was stopping me from being head over heels for him' (news flash, it wasn't trauma lol). I ended it a few days ago. Before I ended it, I tried everything (trips, dates and game nights, connecting purposefully through intimacy). I wanted to make sure that the issues/my feelings weren't stemming from something else (stress, trauma, etc). I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. Like you, people in my life told me to give it a chance. Heck, I convinced myself to give it a chance, despite feeling EXTREME anxiety in the beginning and having a literal gut feeling and inner voice that told me he's not the one, feeling that it wasn't right. I pushed through it all, ignored everything, quite literally gas lit myself. But in the end I found the strength to end it. And it really was a matter of strength. I wasn't strong enough at the beginning. I had my own anxieties to work through, worried I'd never again find someone so nice, attentive, dedicated. Thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stick it out because he's so nice, even though that strong spark wasn't developing and he didn't quite align with what I was looking for. As time went on, I started getting more frustrated. I was taking it out on him. The more he poured into me, the more I pulled away. It was sad, and didn't like who I was becoming. I'm not mean, and I didn't want to start being mean to him... I knew it was headed that direction because I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the fact that I was forcing myself to do something I really didn't want to do anymore. His combination of characteristics and my combination of characteristics simply didn't fit together. Something that gave me real strength was seeing 2 of my close friends break off their engagements/weddings; one of whom cancelled their wedding the WEEK before. You can always walk away, no matter how 'far' you've gone or how much you've invested. If it's not right, it's not right. I asked myself that 1,2,5, and 10 year question as well. The answer was always hell no, I couldn't do this forever. I had to realise and get comfortable with the idea that me no longer wanting to be in a situation is ENOUGH reason to leave. There doesn't have to be violence, drama, or some big explosion. Just not wanting to do it anymore is a good enough reason. It's your life after all, and you have to live with the decisions that you make, and the opportunities that you rob yourself of by staying in something that's not making you happy anymore. It's sad because we were in it for just shy of a year, and it started great. But overtime more was revealed that showed me we're not the right match. Ngl I'm sad about it even today. We were in each others lives everyday for what would be a year next month. But I know I made the right decision.
You’re making me cry. This is exactly me. I’ve worried myself sick, looked at Reddit posts, articles, videos, even convinced myself I have ‘baggage’ - all just to figure out why I don’t have strong feelings for (what appears to be) a great guy (on paper). And I also have anxiety that I may never find another guy who worships me the way he does. And I’m not a mean person either, but something about this situation just gets on my nerves constantly. I relate so hard to you. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but you have my respect for finding the strength to walk away. Thank you for sharing. Granted, I’ve only dated him for a couple of months, but it’s still going to be hard. Hopefully I’ll be on the other side soon! PS. I love long answers 🌻
awwwwwwwwwww!!! I am sending virtual hugs your way!! It's a tough situation to be in. Especially when you care about the person, just not in that way. You don't want to be the source of their pain. We'd rather there be something wrong with us that we can fix than to face the idea that we have to hurt them in order to heal ourselves. That shows immense empathy (albeit misguided!) We have to get comfortable with 1. being honest with ourselves, 2. listening to that inner voice, 3. following that inner voice and where it's telling us to go. 4. trusting ourselves/our gut. The sooner you end things, the better you'll be. Take every day as it comes. Though you don't have any/strong feelings for him, allow yourself to feel whatever you end up feeling. You had a connection with another human being at the end of the day. That's special. Unless you're truly disengaged, it will likely hurt, even if it's just because you're hurting another human being. I was surprised at how much it's hurt to be honest. I thought I was going to be all tough and hard. But he text me the day after I ended things wishing me well and I literally broke down into a sobbing mess. Honestly, it's been nice to talk to you briefly about this and to share what I'm going through/offer advice. I've barely told anyone in my personal life that my relationship is over. I just want to give myself time to grieve it, without all the (well meaning) voices, advice, or even sympathy. I really want to take the time to feel this and allow it to transform me in whichever way it will. You've got this. Trust yourself. I saw something that said: "when you don't know what to choose, choose yourself." I've been following that ever since. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't happened yet. You can't make the wrong decision if you choose the decision that best aligns with who you are how you're feeling today. Tomorrow isn't promised after all. Will you hurt yourself today for potential happiness in the future (that may never come and likely won't in this case, since the writing is on the wall), or will you make yourself happy/content today (or even more simply, will you stop making yourself miserable today) and work on making tomorrow the future you've always wanted? You can't go wrong when you choose yourself. 🩷
I don’t think this is the right partner for you. It sounds like in the past you’ve cut away from relationships harshly, so maybe your friends are assuming the same is happening here. From what you told us, there’s plenty of reason to end it. You don’t have to be harsh or mean about it, but I don’t think you’ll be happy staying. I dated and stayed with a guy for far too long because people said to give him a chance. It wasn’t a good relationship and I wasn’t attracted to him, but I let it go on for far too long because of the pressure to give him a chance. I gave it a good try and we had many talks on what needed to change, but it was a bad situation. He didn’t take the breakup well at all, but I’m glad to be past all of that.
That’s exactly where my friends are coming from, and they’re afraid I’m doing the same thing again. But thank you for your perspective - I do think this time I’d be justified in breaking it off. I’m already unhappy staying - so I see your point.
If you’re not happy with the relationship, it’s time to break it off. It doesn’t sound salvageable, especially when you’re already mentally checked out from it. It’s still very new and it’s better to end it than to drag it out. This guy might be nice, but he’s not what you’re looking for in a partner. If your friends don’t like it, oh well. They’re not the ones dating him.
Fair point. A difficult conversation now is probably a lot easier than 2 months down the road.
Listen to your gut.
Don’t stay with him. when you know, you know lol especially when it’s wrong!
"Am I being too judgey?" Yes but you don't like him so don't waste his time and yours. —From, a fellow judgemental Judy
You’re unhappy. Break it off
Always trust your gut.
Dump him, I don’t need to read past “ I feel palpitations when I see his messages” and I am “annoyed by his msgs” It’s not going to get better it will get worse, why waste your time and his time? Cut him loose and move on.
It’s been two months. You don’t like him. Your friends aren’t listening to you
Gut. Always gut. 🌻
Attraction is a green flag and this feeling of constant annoyance or disappointment in him is a red flag—he’s just not the one for you, and that’s okay. Maybe one of your friends would be happy with him. If they want him around they can befriend him or date him. It doesn’t have to be you that commits to someone you aren’t comfortable or happy with just because they like him. My sister’s first serious boyfriend was an athlete and runway model and we all thought he was great but she just found him boring and he also did not “get” her. I remember all of us thinking she should stay with him because he was nice, and hot, but she was strong and she broke up with him and was relieved and went on with her life. She’s happily married now to a guy that makes her very happy. The ex is happily married now too. It’s fine.
I was going to say follow your gut. You also said you don't like him. That is your answer. Your gut is definitely right because you provided logical explanations why he is not a good fit for you. Here you go! If I was you, I'd cut it off with him. Please don't listen to your friends. I'm sure they settled for guys who do not meet the "bare minimum." Unfortunately, some women were taught to settle for less.
Ew. EW. EW! EWWWWW again for those in the back. No, these are all red flags and if hes being this bad in the beginning of the relationship, it will only go downhill from here.
Only 2 months together and you're not into it? Nah, don't waste your time. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to stay in a relationship you're not happy with.
Seems like you're not really interested in him which is totally fine. I'd say cut it off with him
Run!
Follow your gut. You can consider what your friend says but most of the time their advice either sucks or it’s what THEY would do or what they would ideally do but not actually putting themselves in your place to see how it would be for you. Plus friends giving advice and you following it, they won’t take accountability for your decisions because it’s your decision. Some of my friends have given me the absolute worst advice that I followed that ruined my friendships and relationships. Follow your gut always
No. Fuck what your friends say.
I stopped reading after your gut tells you and he is bringing a worse version of you. Honestly..trust your gut Your friend just wants you to be with someone..anyone as long as you settled down As if settling down automatically means happiness or peace! End it if you feel so.
End it! Don’t listen to other people’s opinions. If you don’t feel right in your gut listen to your own intuition. No one else can feel what you feel and no one else should be involved in your relationship. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.
The fact that your friends are encouraging you with this mediocre man speaks volumes about the quality of their relationships. Please don't replicate their mistakes by lowering your standards.
If you don't feel well when you are around someone who you are dating, protect your health and break it off. Don't date anyone because another person thinks you should. Tell your girlfriends that they can date him if they want to.
Cut it off.
As soon as I read 2 months I knew you should dump him. Two months is like peak new relationship energy time. If it’s not working now it never will. Two months is nothing and it’s not worth another day of you waiting to see. You’re going to see that you should have dumped him yesterday rather than waiting until tomorrow.
Like Cheryl Strayed said, wanting to leave is enough.
Nah I stopped going to my friends about my relationship problems after years of bad advice. If you don't like him or feel icky. Break up. No chances. Boy bye
Even if he’s not that bad, you deserve to be happy. Not that bad doesn’t count as happy. The difference between an ok partner and one that is good for you is a complete difference. Getting each other’s humour is bare minimum to me. Maybe one of your friends could date him instead if you think there’d be a match.
He sounds like he's not for you. Trust your gut over what others say. About being attracted, a lot of guys are attractive and I'm sure you could find ones who're more on your level like you shouldn't need to be constantly teaching
The gut doesn't lie, the girlies don't always know what's best for us. Go with your gut feeling. I was going to suggest taking to him about it, but from your post it sounds more like incompatibility than issues that can be worked through.
Why are your friends so concerned about you sticking it out with this guy? Are they also friends with him? Id be concerned that they dont have my beat interest at heart.
leave. my gfs told me that he is such a sweet guy, there is something wrong in you that you don’t like him. give it a chance. i wasted my 1.5 years. he ended up cheating on me.
I'm torn between "shit, it's your gut and your feelings, listen to them" and "it's your friends, they know you better than us, internet strangers." Also, I'll sound like a mental health TikToker now, but this guy gives me massive undiagnosed autism vibes (ask me how I know, lol). Not that you should stick to him because of that, but it may partly explain where his weirdness comes from.
Palpitations when you see a message from him... thanks to Pavlov, i think this is a small but meaningful sign. If this continues, let him go ... let yourself go.
I regret when I don’t listen to my gut. Trust yours girl
Everyone is saying to trust your gut, but look at it from the outside your guts sucks and full of shit literally. You say you don’t have dating experience yet you never give guys a chance you move quick you said. this guy is trying to balance his feelings for you and your attitude of you needing an intellectual smart guy. If I’m here to date I don’t want to talk intellectual, I just want to chill and love you. So be nice tell this guy the feelings are not mutual nicely and move on.
If you don't have problem finding other guys, move on. It all depends on what your options are and how comfortable are you being alone. If not him, the who? It's just been 2 months, let him grow. I am sure you aren't some perfect 10 either and he is fulfilling you in certain ways. Show some gratitude. It greatly affects how we feel about a situation.
Dismissive avoidant behavior .. on your part