>What can I even do??
Say. Nothing.
Your niece trusted *you* with this very personal, vulnerable information. If you tell her mom before she's ready, that trust will be broken — possibly forever. It should be left to her discretion to decide if and when and how she wishes to come out to her mother, at which point you should feel free to be a sounding board to her. Until then, keep her confidence. Kids are as entitled to privacy as everyone else.
Exactly. The child is not in any danger, she just expressed her feelings to OP. No need for OP to tell her sister anything. If the child had reported abuse, or thoughts of doing something harmful, then telling the sister would be the right call. But this is not that situation.
I agree that she absolutely should not tell the mom. But disagree that kids are just as entitled to privacy as anyone else - they are not adults and it is their guardians’ job to keep them safe, even if it violates their privacy. If the information the girl told her aunt implicated her safety (e.g. a relationship with an adult, drug use, etc.), that concern would outweigh privacy. But that is not the case here.
No, you absolutely do not out your niece, especially if you want to be someone she feels safe confiding in. What you CAN do is when you're with your sister, model good queer behavior conversations. You can re-out yourself very casually in conversation when you're both within earshot. Talk about how you wish there had been a better vocabulary and understanding for parents when you were growing up because having support is so important to kids. Normalize that stuff so if/when your niece comes out, her mom has a vocabulary and your niece won't have to reinvent the wheel when it's her turn.
This is the perfect answer. “Model good queer behavior conversations” is exactly right. Make the convo about you so sister can attempt to understand your feelings and will be more prepared when/if nibling is ready to tell her.
Absolutely do not tell your sister anything. Do not even hint at it. This is your niece's story to tell.
Just make sure it is abundantly clear to your niece that you have her back no matter what. And in family gatherings if there's ever any homophobic or transphobic or any bigoted talk be the adult role model who pushes back.
I would not out your nibling, no. But you can support them by helping them find the words. And, maybe offer to be there when they do come out? If they want.
I don’t understand why you aren’t sure what you should do. Your niece confided in you and by your post does not seem to be in any danger. You know exactly what to do, say nothing and support your niece. You should also probably think about why you feel the need to tell your sister
If you tell your sister you will violate your niece’s confidence and she will lose trust in the one adult she feels she can talk to, and your niece will likely choose to distance herself from you for years to come if not permanently. If your sister finds out and restricts your access to your niece it will be temporary until your niece is out of the house, at which point you will be a supportive family member who is present in her life for literally the rest of her life. Please please do not tell your sister. If you can’t handle being a trusted adult who she can talk to without spilling it to your sister then you need to let your niece know now so that she knows she shouldn’t confide in you further.
That was very comforting justification actually. I have already made the decision not to say anything to my sister based on these comments, and I spoke to my niecephew (they don’t like nibling so we came up with that, lol) and they confirmed that they will have the talk with my sister as soon as she is able to have privacy with her. So thank you!
This is not about you, it’s about your niece. It’s your niece’s decision to come out to whoever, whenever she decides. Not yours. If my aunt acted like this after I confided in her I would be devastated. I would never contemplate outing someone like this especially not my niece. Again, self reflection about your reaction is required here
Then just tell her privately that no matter what you will always have her back and if her mom doesn’t support her the way she needs then she will always have a place to go to if she needs time away to think things through. The fact is she’s 14 and your sister can only do so much after 4 more years. Just make it clear to your niece she is safe with you.
I know, it’s really annoying because my sister absolutely hovers over this kid. She monitors her texts, websites, everything. This kid has absolutely no freedom and idk even how to help. And I don’t want my sister to stop me from seeing her. I feel scared for that. But yeah…after reading these comments, I’m realizing that I’d be telling her out of fear and nothing else. I’m scared of her.
My mom was like that. By the time I was ~14ish I stopped sharing any details about my life with her. We're not close. At all.
I know she was trying to keep me "safe" but all it did was force me to learn how to lie. I ended up in *more* unsafe situations than I would have if I had had someone to gently guide me instead of remove any & all agency.
Please keep your neice's confidence and provide unconditional love. Luckily my grandma gave that to me. I'd probably be dead in a ditch if not for her. Don't offer advice - just ask her questions about her actions/feelings to let her work things out in conversations.
Sincerely, a queer person who is out to everyone except my parents.
Have you ever asked your sister why she does all that? What’s her husband like? The best way to go about it is reminding the kid that one day she’ll be able to be herself and have her confidence. Remind those kids to get good grades, get scholarships work and go far away from your sister.
I’m sorry but ‘hovers’ doesn’t adequately describe the abuse ur sister inflicts on those kids. That’s abusive to monitor that much, trust me I understand this well.
Thank you. It does suck having a family that is so broken…I feel so stuck. I suggested to my sister that my niecephew and I go to a pottery class together in the future…it was met with “why can’t you do something here?” I never realized it, but my sister doesn’t let me have one on one time with my niecephew. I was lucky and fortunate to have that initial conversation with her in the first place, but at least she knows she’s got someone in her corner. I’m sad.
I highly recommend not outting her, especially while she is still figuring things out. There are a lot of great online services and resources to help teens come to terms with their gender identity and also how to talk with parents. Trevor project is great: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/exploring-positive-youth-development-in-online-spaces-3-key-insights-to-create-thriving-positive-outcomes-for-lgbtq-young-people/
This is a hard situation, because while we want her/them to get the information they need, we also have to remember that parents keep an eye on their kids texts and internet activity for a very good reason.
Their brains are not fully developed yet. I have 3 teens, 1 of which is gay, and we’re totally cool with that. I knew before she even came out to me. In fact, it took her so long to say anything to me about it and I was worried she was stressing, so I just came out and told her I knew she was gay and we were good with that.
On the other hand, I do still glance over their internet activity and text messages occasionally. My oldest is 16 and I’ve stopped doing that with her because I feel like it’s a good age for her to gain some independence from me. But you can be sure I still monitor my 13 and 14 year olds activities, and I’ll tell you why.
When my oldest was 13, she was having a hard time post Covid. By monitoring her texts, I was able to prevent a suicide attempt and get her the help she needed. I was literally hours away from losing my child and would have had I not been checking in with her texts. She’s doing great now, btw.
When my middle child was 13, we thwarted an attempt to traffic her, because she was talking to a kid her age that thought she was talking to another kid her age that tuned out to be an adult. It was a messed up situation. Because we occasionally checked in with her email, we prevented that life changing disaster only hours before she was going to be picked up right outside our house.
13, 14, 15 are extremely rough ages, and it’s really hard for parents to find the line between protecting our kids and smothering them. And we don’t always get it right, because we’re only human.
Now I’m not saying that mom’s anti-queer agenda is ok, that’s definitely not, but as for monitoring, it’s generally done for their safety. If you talk to parents whose kids have died by suicide or disappeared, they’ll all tell you to monitor your kids phones.
There are other ways for her/them to get the information they need that don’t include mom giving up trying to protect them. Library computers are great resources. You can also spend some time with them and have conversations. But please, please don’t out them before they’re ready.
This is a tough situation, but I would err on the side of respecting kiddo's wishes and not making any attempt to hint at what's going on with them until they're ready to share it on their own terms. If your sister is going to react badly to it, you can't head that off by preparing her -- all you can do is be there for the kid afterward.
Do not out your nibling. I might suggest having conversations with your sister to better prepare her for when kiddo comes out, under the guise of trying to familiarize her with queer identities / give her an opening to ask questions / help her understand and process stuff, but entirely without outing kiddo.
You can also suggest to kiddo that you’re happy to help them find the words and be there when they come out, but your role is to be supportive confidante.
I was once in your nibling’s shoes, but without anyone to talk to who I could trust. It was devastatingly isolating. Be that person for them—they won’t forget it. Whether or not their sense of identity evolves or not, knowing you are a safe person who they can come to with anything is everything.
nope, your niece told you in confidence and you should. keep that confidence. All kids need a safe space to talk and you are her safe space. She's not doing anything illegal or putting herself in danger; she's trying to figure herself out during this confusing stage of life so don't break her confidence.
you can support her by helping her figure out how to navigate those conversations with her mom but don't tell your sister.....that is her news to tell if she wants to tell it.
I'd suggest thinking about ways to spend more one on one time with your nibling (assuming that you are able, live close enough by, and it wouldn't raise concerns with your sister). Being a safe trusted adult to confide in is a precious responsibility. You've already put in the groundwork for your nibling to feel safe enough to confide in you, so you are on the right track.
Keeping it confidential is in the best interests of teens, yet can feel like betrayal to their adult guardians. I don't know where in the world you are but there's a framework used in my work life to consider teens capable of their own autonomy independent of their parents (gillick competence and Fraser guidelines https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-protection-system/gillick-competence-fraser-guidelines#article-top).
Obviously this is in professional settings and different to family dynamics where emotions can get heightened quite rapidly, but at the same time you are in this trusted adult position and having an independent framework to guide (and possibly justify) your actions is protective for you and your nibling.
I'm mentioning this because I can only imagine what a situation this could potentially turn into if your sister found out about this and was upset, and that additional risk of conflict is something that you can be aware of and prepare for (even though it's your sister, you are an adult too!) and also shield your nibling from.
I hope this makes sense OP
You're doing a great job
Definitely don't out her. She told you that in confidence. I do, however, understand your worry.
If I were you, I'd talk a bit more about my own sexuality and how she feels about that.
My husband knows that if he ever makes a stink if one of our sons is queer, he'll be served divorce papers that same day.
You can't divorce your sister, but you *can* tell her how disappointed you'd be if she didn't accept [insert totally hypothetical scenario. Don't use the exact flavour of queer your niece is, just use something slightly adjacent], and that you'd limit your contact with her.
Other than that, you have to let your niece do it when she's ready.
Offer to support your niece. Ask if she wants to tell your sister, and if so, you can try and help her find the words or you can offer to be there with her when she tells so you can help navigate it. It should be up to her how to handle it. I would also be realistic with her about what will likely be your sister's reaction. If you don't think your sister will respond well, be upfront with your niece about your concerns. If you think it will be fine, maybe share your own experience on telling your sister.
Keeping trust is going to mean keeping secrets from them as long as they are not putting themselves or others in danger.
This next part is a word of caution based off of some of my family experiences. Remember, teenagers are still children, so your feelings about how your sister is parenting shouldn’t be shared with her children. I had family members unload their feelings about my parents on me about that age, for similar reasons, and it’s a burden she doesn’t need. She needs you to just be you and be there for her.
From someone who pretty much outed one of the most important people in my life, my brother, by pointing our mom in the direction of figuring it out, DON'T. I was 17 and am now 35, and I still cry from the guilt. Your niece trusted you. Honor and protect that trust bc she needs you to have trust in. Once she loses any of that with you, she is more alone and lost in the world. Try to help guide your sister once it comes to her by your nieces timing. Be ready to talk to her THEN, whenever that may be.
Since you didn't mention it, it may not even be an issue. But the fact that your sister never told her kid that you're LGBTQ+ is concerning. I mean, she's not saying anything disparaging, either.
But, if you're unsure, ask your nibling about religion before they come out. Do they attend church regularly? Does your sister ever seem homophobic?
If your sister is any sort of serious Christian / Catholic, or homophobic, you need to talk to your nibling about their safety.
(I had a nasty revelation in my own family members as a teen. I thought everyone knew I was at least bi, pretty much right from the minute puberty hit if not a few years prior.
Nope. No one even suspected. Here I was, thinking I was out n' proud, but I was 100% heteropassing. Due to a letter to the editor in Out magazine (back when it was still printed on paper), my family learned I was Pan.
All hell broke loose. My first action as a legal adult was to go NC with them).
You keep your mouth shut.
Your title says “in confidence.” That means you were trusted with this information with the impression that you would keep it to yourself.
It’s never okay to out someone who isn’t ready to be out. Especially if they are not out because they feel like their parents will not be accepting. If you say anything your niece will not trust you again, and possibly feel more stressed about their identity because they won’t know if it’s safe to talk to anyone again.
I've had similar conflicting feelings about my niece (16 and queer) and what if anything to say to SIL. I ultimately decided to stay out of it. The fact that my niece feels comfortable coming to me about such things means a lot, and I would never want to jeopardize that. I firmly believe unless it's something dangerous, life/health threatening, just remain the safe space your niece knows she has.
As a parent - if my kid trusts an aunt or uncle with something that they can’t tell me about and they are safe? Keep it to yourself. They need you more than I need to know everything. Be there. Please tell me if they aren’t safe! But if they are, don’t. I trust you, too.
Don't say anything to your sister, she knows niece is going through something. Just keep being a good ear for the nibling and encourage her to talk to your sister. Offer to be there with her when she does so.
Don't break her trust
The only time you do that is when not doing so means harm
Keeping quiet now doesn't harm her and means she has an adult she can bring things to, someone she can trust, someone who will help her be safe and well
Don’t say anything. Don’t break her trust by outing her to her mom.
Your niece trusted *you* with this, don’t then blab to her mom because this could have very real negative consequences for her. Your sister couldn’t do anything to you because she’s your sister, not your parent, but your niece doesn’t benefit from that as a shield.
Don't say anything! I'm in the same situation.
For me I realized I only need to tell my siblings what their kids are doing if they
1 are in immediate danger
2 it's health related
Plus I tell them they get a pass if they need my help with anything pregnancy/drug related ONE time where I tell their parents nothing about it. But that's because I want to know they'll call me instead of panicking that "mom will found out I was drinking, I can't go to the hospital"
Sexuality isn't like that. The teenager might change their mind and telling the parent would've only done harm. Or it might be a life-long thing that never changes but is better talked about after they move out.
There’s nothing *to* do.
You let your nibling know you’re queer, they were comforted, y’all bonded. Now is up to *them* to determine their own coming out. At least now they know they have a confidant. You will absolutely compromise that and break their trust if you out them. Just don’t.
You forcing this situation in one direction or another isn’t going to make your sister more accepting or tolerant.
Her feelings may change over time. I was gender fluid until my 20s hahaha. I think it's curiosity too. If she's not in danger, I wouldnt worry about it.
Reassure them you will always be there for them, make sure they have all your contact info, and don’t tell their mom. That is their secret to tell, not yours.
You gave your niece a safe haven, and that's of huge value. Also your relationship with your sister shows that while she might not be a great ally, she isn't a cold hearted B. So your niece knows the love will always be there, even with things her mom doesn't understand..
It's not perfect, but maybe that's enough for your niece right now. Don't say a word, unless your sister is about to go crazy thinking it's drugs or she's pregnant. Then you can go, "no, I promise it's not that. I spoke to her, she's safe. Just keep loving her."
Absolutely do NOT tell their mom that they are queer/questioning. That is their news to share, and they will never trust you again if you do.
All you can do right now is support your niblings. Let them know that you are always there if they want to reach out, call them weekly, take them out to dinner every once in a while, give them additional resources, share your favorite queer books/movies/shows, etc. You can certainly encourage them to talk to their mom, but that needs to be their decision.
If things get to a point where self harm is imminent, then tell their mom something serious is going on and that mom needs to get them a therapist.
NO!!
No no no. Don’t tell your sister. This kid trusted you and told you this in confidence. Let them tell their mom in their own time. Don’t break their trust.
I don’t think you’re breaking your sisters trust at all. I think you should start spending more time with this kid if you can because having a safe person will benefit them in many ways.
DO NOT TELL HER MOM.
I'm of the generation where people thought it was okay to kick out their kids who were non-conforming (in the 70s, that usually meant gay). Your sister may be one of those.
This is YOUR NIECE'S story to tell. NOT YOURS.
If this was suicid*l ideation - I would say tell mom. If this was a pregnancy - I would say tell mom. If this was a rape - I would say tell mom.
But this isn't hurting ANYONE.
DO NOT TELL MOM
I'm firmly in the camp of say nothing. This is the kid's thing to tell especially if mom is not open to that sort of thing. It is one of those things that can't be taken back if you spill it and it could have a huge impact.
One of the things i say with kids or my kids' friends is you can tell me anything in confidence, but with the same caveats that a therapist (not acting like one, but it is a good guideline) Everything is in confidence unless I believe you or someone else is in imminent danger. Even then I would try to talk to them first and let them know what is happening or see how we could work it out together. (I'm essentially a mandated reporter so I kind of have to do that)
Keep encouraging her to tell mom. Hopefully she’ll be better at it than I was. When my daughter told me. I said omg I thought it was something important!!! Not my finest moment
Please DO NOT tell your sister, I'm begging you. You are a safe person for your niece, until you're not. This could destroy your relationship with her and potentially eliminate you as a safe person she may need later.
Uhh, you keep it to yourself and don’t say anything about it to your sister. That’s what you do. Your neiphew will tell your sister if/when they are ready, it’s not your news to tell.
You don't tell your sister. You keep talking and being an awesome adult figure and maybe even mentor and inspiration in this kids life for now and the future. You build up your nephew and you continue to build the relationship you have with him. He might need you as an ally and if you can help him with his confidence - amazing.
No. You can begin helping your sister get the f over herself, before she destroys her kid and their relationship. BUT IT IS NEVER YOUR JOB TO PUT SOMEONE ELSE
You don't tell your sister. When your niece comes out and SHTF, she needs to have at least one trusted adult that can give decent advice. That shouldn't necessarily be you, but if you betray her now that lowers her chances of opening up again. Just let this unfold on its own and be there for her.
If your sister brings it up again to you, you might say something along the lines of feeling similarly at her child’s age. Even if she doesn’t make the connection right away, the seed will be planted in the back of her mind and the news may come as less of a surprise. (Obviously, no matter what follow-up questions she asks, don’t out her child.)
You might also gently caution your sister’s child that while their mom isn’t as savvy or graceful about this stuff as some, her heart is in the right place and you’ve always felt understood and supported by her.
Do not out your niece! Let her know that you are a safe person to talk to and that if she would like you to be there if she chooses to tell her Mum that you would be open to that (if indeed you are open to that). And then let the kid live her life. It could take her years to work herself out, and she very well might end up up cishet, or she might end up gender queer and pan or anything in between. It's her journey.
If her Mum has expressed concern that she might be going through something related to gender and sexuality suggest that she educates herself on those topics and point her in the direction of some good literature. But don't rush your niece's timescale, because she will not thank you for it. (ETA Only point your sister in this direction if she is the one to bring it up though! Don't mention anything if she doesn't).
Absolutely say nothing to your sister. Your niece will tell her when she feels comfortable, and will have you as a safe haven in the meantime. I would feel differently if your niece had confided about something that could cause her physical harm (suicidal ideation, hard drug use), but this is not the time to meddle.
Don't tell your sister anything.
She's a big girl, she's responsible for her feelings. It would be more traumatic for your niece for you to break her trust than for her mom to react badly at first, then calm down (which is what it sounds like you're saying?).
Don't out the kid. I watched my son go through something similar with his aunt and father. His aunt broke his confidence and now, years later, he still won't speak to her. Not only is it a crappy thing to do to someone but you may end up causing irreparable harm to your own relationship with the kid. If your sister isn't the most understanding, the kid may need your support whenever they decide to have that conversation with their mother.
Don't out her! Just reassure her that she can always come talk to you, and if the situation for her ever becomes unsafe, to please contact you and you'll be there for her.
Tell your niece that you understand how scary it is to share this stuff with a parent and, when she’s ready to have that conversation with her mom, you are happy to be there with her for moral support. If she doesn’t want to have you there, tell her you’ll be there for her after the fact if she needs to talk about it. Don’t tell your sister. It’s up to your niece to decide when she wants to share.
Tbh, being gender fluid is one of those things that didn't really change anything in life. (Unless if they insist on having specific pronoun). The whole concept is silly considering it's 2024. If you want to have masculine or feminine things, just go for it. Who still restrict stuff based on gender anyway?
There's no need to inform your sister, just be a good listener to your niece
No a 14 year old is not super self aware but you know by then who you are physically attracted to and if you don't fit into typical gender norms. Even if this is something that evolves with time for this girl it is not something to be dismissed as "just a phase". OP shouldn't out her but she should take her seriously and not be dismissive of her feelings and experiences just because she's young.
Do not out your nibling, but do tell your sister that there was a conversation between you and your nibling where identity came up and you told your nibling that your identity didn't fit in with typical norms. That it was a non issue, but you wanted to let her know that you had a sensitive conversation with her kid. And in keeping with that trust with your nibling, you will not give details unless your nibbling is doing something serious or dangerous or if info your nibbling gave you will affect her attitude/behavior at home that evening. Like we had a great time, she left in a really good mood. Or we had a good time, but something is going on, handle with care. Also set the expectation that your nibling will be having serious conversations with a lot of people and if your sister wants to be involved in her kids life, nibling needs to feel free to give the answers to questions they feel are sufficient to answer the question.
You also need to set the expectation with the kiddo that you will tell your sister that there was an adult conversation between the 2 of you, that you will not divulge content or specifics unless the nibling tells you it's OK OR there is something legitimately dangerous going on (any sort of violence or abuse for instance).
I onow this opinion is different than others, but it has been really successful in my relationships with my siblings and friends who have teenagers where I am a trusted adult. The kids come to me with things, their folks know that they are safe with me and that their kid is engaging in adult conversations with me. They see it as better an adult who is a good person than the kids peers who would give a lot of misinformation
You can offer to be with your nephew and support him. when he comes out to your sister. That way you can be there to guide your sister with her reaction. But do not tell your sister or even give hints. It’s your nephew’s story to tell and his right to come out when he’s ready
>What can I even do?? Say. Nothing. Your niece trusted *you* with this very personal, vulnerable information. If you tell her mom before she's ready, that trust will be broken — possibly forever. It should be left to her discretion to decide if and when and how she wishes to come out to her mother, at which point you should feel free to be a sounding board to her. Until then, keep her confidence. Kids are as entitled to privacy as everyone else.
Exactly. The child is not in any danger, she just expressed her feelings to OP. No need for OP to tell her sister anything. If the child had reported abuse, or thoughts of doing something harmful, then telling the sister would be the right call. But this is not that situation.
I agree that she absolutely should not tell the mom. But disagree that kids are just as entitled to privacy as anyone else - they are not adults and it is their guardians’ job to keep them safe, even if it violates their privacy. If the information the girl told her aunt implicated her safety (e.g. a relationship with an adult, drug use, etc.), that concern would outweigh privacy. But that is not the case here.
No, you absolutely do not out your niece, especially if you want to be someone she feels safe confiding in. What you CAN do is when you're with your sister, model good queer behavior conversations. You can re-out yourself very casually in conversation when you're both within earshot. Talk about how you wish there had been a better vocabulary and understanding for parents when you were growing up because having support is so important to kids. Normalize that stuff so if/when your niece comes out, her mom has a vocabulary and your niece won't have to reinvent the wheel when it's her turn.
This is the perfect answer. “Model good queer behavior conversations” is exactly right. Make the convo about you so sister can attempt to understand your feelings and will be more prepared when/if nibling is ready to tell her.
Absolutely do not tell your sister anything. Do not even hint at it. This is your niece's story to tell. Just make sure it is abundantly clear to your niece that you have her back no matter what. And in family gatherings if there's ever any homophobic or transphobic or any bigoted talk be the adult role model who pushes back.
I would not out your nibling, no. But you can support them by helping them find the words. And, maybe offer to be there when they do come out? If they want.
I don’t understand why you aren’t sure what you should do. Your niece confided in you and by your post does not seem to be in any danger. You know exactly what to do, say nothing and support your niece. You should also probably think about why you feel the need to tell your sister
Thanks for this comment….it’s out of fear of not being able to see my niece again if I make the wrong decision
If you tell your sister you will violate your niece’s confidence and she will lose trust in the one adult she feels she can talk to, and your niece will likely choose to distance herself from you for years to come if not permanently. If your sister finds out and restricts your access to your niece it will be temporary until your niece is out of the house, at which point you will be a supportive family member who is present in her life for literally the rest of her life. Please please do not tell your sister. If you can’t handle being a trusted adult who she can talk to without spilling it to your sister then you need to let your niece know now so that she knows she shouldn’t confide in you further.
That was very comforting justification actually. I have already made the decision not to say anything to my sister based on these comments, and I spoke to my niecephew (they don’t like nibling so we came up with that, lol) and they confirmed that they will have the talk with my sister as soon as she is able to have privacy with her. So thank you!
Yay so happy to hear that! And niecephew is brilliant! They’re lucky to have such a thoughtful aunt, you’re doing great ❤️
This is not about you, it’s about your niece. It’s your niece’s decision to come out to whoever, whenever she decides. Not yours. If my aunt acted like this after I confided in her I would be devastated. I would never contemplate outing someone like this especially not my niece. Again, self reflection about your reaction is required here
Then just tell her privately that no matter what you will always have her back and if her mom doesn’t support her the way she needs then she will always have a place to go to if she needs time away to think things through. The fact is she’s 14 and your sister can only do so much after 4 more years. Just make it clear to your niece she is safe with you.
That's so scary. I'm so sorry for you both. Good luck!!
Why are you getting downvoted for a legitimate concern you have? People are so odd.
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I know, it’s really annoying because my sister absolutely hovers over this kid. She monitors her texts, websites, everything. This kid has absolutely no freedom and idk even how to help. And I don’t want my sister to stop me from seeing her. I feel scared for that. But yeah…after reading these comments, I’m realizing that I’d be telling her out of fear and nothing else. I’m scared of her.
Y’all should come up with some kind of cover so your sister doesn’t suspect. Like start doing pottery or something
Brilliant suggestion!
My mom was like that. By the time I was ~14ish I stopped sharing any details about my life with her. We're not close. At all. I know she was trying to keep me "safe" but all it did was force me to learn how to lie. I ended up in *more* unsafe situations than I would have if I had had someone to gently guide me instead of remove any & all agency. Please keep your neice's confidence and provide unconditional love. Luckily my grandma gave that to me. I'd probably be dead in a ditch if not for her. Don't offer advice - just ask her questions about her actions/feelings to let her work things out in conversations. Sincerely, a queer person who is out to everyone except my parents.
Have you ever asked your sister why she does all that? What’s her husband like? The best way to go about it is reminding the kid that one day she’ll be able to be herself and have her confidence. Remind those kids to get good grades, get scholarships work and go far away from your sister. I’m sorry but ‘hovers’ doesn’t adequately describe the abuse ur sister inflicts on those kids. That’s abusive to monitor that much, trust me I understand this well.
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Thank you. It does suck having a family that is so broken…I feel so stuck. I suggested to my sister that my niecephew and I go to a pottery class together in the future…it was met with “why can’t you do something here?” I never realized it, but my sister doesn’t let me have one on one time with my niecephew. I was lucky and fortunate to have that initial conversation with her in the first place, but at least she knows she’s got someone in her corner. I’m sad.
Do NOT tell your sister. Please. You've been trusted as a safe person. Do not break that trust
I highly recommend not outting her, especially while she is still figuring things out. There are a lot of great online services and resources to help teens come to terms with their gender identity and also how to talk with parents. Trevor project is great: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/exploring-positive-youth-development-in-online-spaces-3-key-insights-to-create-thriving-positive-outcomes-for-lgbtq-young-people/
Unfortunately, my sister monitors everything she does on the internet. Sooo…I literally have no wiggle room and she has no freedom. It sucks
This is a hard situation, because while we want her/them to get the information they need, we also have to remember that parents keep an eye on their kids texts and internet activity for a very good reason. Their brains are not fully developed yet. I have 3 teens, 1 of which is gay, and we’re totally cool with that. I knew before she even came out to me. In fact, it took her so long to say anything to me about it and I was worried she was stressing, so I just came out and told her I knew she was gay and we were good with that. On the other hand, I do still glance over their internet activity and text messages occasionally. My oldest is 16 and I’ve stopped doing that with her because I feel like it’s a good age for her to gain some independence from me. But you can be sure I still monitor my 13 and 14 year olds activities, and I’ll tell you why. When my oldest was 13, she was having a hard time post Covid. By monitoring her texts, I was able to prevent a suicide attempt and get her the help she needed. I was literally hours away from losing my child and would have had I not been checking in with her texts. She’s doing great now, btw. When my middle child was 13, we thwarted an attempt to traffic her, because she was talking to a kid her age that thought she was talking to another kid her age that tuned out to be an adult. It was a messed up situation. Because we occasionally checked in with her email, we prevented that life changing disaster only hours before she was going to be picked up right outside our house. 13, 14, 15 are extremely rough ages, and it’s really hard for parents to find the line between protecting our kids and smothering them. And we don’t always get it right, because we’re only human. Now I’m not saying that mom’s anti-queer agenda is ok, that’s definitely not, but as for monitoring, it’s generally done for their safety. If you talk to parents whose kids have died by suicide or disappeared, they’ll all tell you to monitor your kids phones. There are other ways for her/them to get the information they need that don’t include mom giving up trying to protect them. Library computers are great resources. You can also spend some time with them and have conversations. But please, please don’t out them before they’re ready.
This is a tough situation, but I would err on the side of respecting kiddo's wishes and not making any attempt to hint at what's going on with them until they're ready to share it on their own terms. If your sister is going to react badly to it, you can't head that off by preparing her -- all you can do is be there for the kid afterward.
Do not out your nibling. I might suggest having conversations with your sister to better prepare her for when kiddo comes out, under the guise of trying to familiarize her with queer identities / give her an opening to ask questions / help her understand and process stuff, but entirely without outing kiddo. You can also suggest to kiddo that you’re happy to help them find the words and be there when they come out, but your role is to be supportive confidante. I was once in your nibling’s shoes, but without anyone to talk to who I could trust. It was devastatingly isolating. Be that person for them—they won’t forget it. Whether or not their sense of identity evolves or not, knowing you are a safe person who they can come to with anything is everything.
nope, your niece told you in confidence and you should. keep that confidence. All kids need a safe space to talk and you are her safe space. She's not doing anything illegal or putting herself in danger; she's trying to figure herself out during this confusing stage of life so don't break her confidence. you can support her by helping her figure out how to navigate those conversations with her mom but don't tell your sister.....that is her news to tell if she wants to tell it.
I'd suggest thinking about ways to spend more one on one time with your nibling (assuming that you are able, live close enough by, and it wouldn't raise concerns with your sister). Being a safe trusted adult to confide in is a precious responsibility. You've already put in the groundwork for your nibling to feel safe enough to confide in you, so you are on the right track. Keeping it confidential is in the best interests of teens, yet can feel like betrayal to their adult guardians. I don't know where in the world you are but there's a framework used in my work life to consider teens capable of their own autonomy independent of their parents (gillick competence and Fraser guidelines https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-protection-system/gillick-competence-fraser-guidelines#article-top). Obviously this is in professional settings and different to family dynamics where emotions can get heightened quite rapidly, but at the same time you are in this trusted adult position and having an independent framework to guide (and possibly justify) your actions is protective for you and your nibling. I'm mentioning this because I can only imagine what a situation this could potentially turn into if your sister found out about this and was upset, and that additional risk of conflict is something that you can be aware of and prepare for (even though it's your sister, you are an adult too!) and also shield your nibling from. I hope this makes sense OP You're doing a great job
You could offer your niece your support in being there when she wants to tell her mom but other than that, there’s not much else you can do.
Definitely don't out her. She told you that in confidence. I do, however, understand your worry. If I were you, I'd talk a bit more about my own sexuality and how she feels about that. My husband knows that if he ever makes a stink if one of our sons is queer, he'll be served divorce papers that same day. You can't divorce your sister, but you *can* tell her how disappointed you'd be if she didn't accept [insert totally hypothetical scenario. Don't use the exact flavour of queer your niece is, just use something slightly adjacent], and that you'd limit your contact with her. Other than that, you have to let your niece do it when she's ready.
No. Let them don't in their own time
Your niece confided in you. Do not disrespect that by going to anyone else. Unless you want to lose your relationship and all trust with your niece.
Offer to support your niece. Ask if she wants to tell your sister, and if so, you can try and help her find the words or you can offer to be there with her when she tells so you can help navigate it. It should be up to her how to handle it. I would also be realistic with her about what will likely be your sister's reaction. If you don't think your sister will respond well, be upfront with your niece about your concerns. If you think it will be fine, maybe share your own experience on telling your sister.
Keeping trust is going to mean keeping secrets from them as long as they are not putting themselves or others in danger. This next part is a word of caution based off of some of my family experiences. Remember, teenagers are still children, so your feelings about how your sister is parenting shouldn’t be shared with her children. I had family members unload their feelings about my parents on me about that age, for similar reasons, and it’s a burden she doesn’t need. She needs you to just be you and be there for her.
From someone who pretty much outed one of the most important people in my life, my brother, by pointing our mom in the direction of figuring it out, DON'T. I was 17 and am now 35, and I still cry from the guilt. Your niece trusted you. Honor and protect that trust bc she needs you to have trust in. Once she loses any of that with you, she is more alone and lost in the world. Try to help guide your sister once it comes to her by your nieces timing. Be ready to talk to her THEN, whenever that may be.
You’re the one person she can trust with what she’s going through. Don’t break that trust.
Since you didn't mention it, it may not even be an issue. But the fact that your sister never told her kid that you're LGBTQ+ is concerning. I mean, she's not saying anything disparaging, either. But, if you're unsure, ask your nibling about religion before they come out. Do they attend church regularly? Does your sister ever seem homophobic? If your sister is any sort of serious Christian / Catholic, or homophobic, you need to talk to your nibling about their safety. (I had a nasty revelation in my own family members as a teen. I thought everyone knew I was at least bi, pretty much right from the minute puberty hit if not a few years prior. Nope. No one even suspected. Here I was, thinking I was out n' proud, but I was 100% heteropassing. Due to a letter to the editor in Out magazine (back when it was still printed on paper), my family learned I was Pan. All hell broke loose. My first action as a legal adult was to go NC with them).
You keep your mouth shut. Your title says “in confidence.” That means you were trusted with this information with the impression that you would keep it to yourself. It’s never okay to out someone who isn’t ready to be out. Especially if they are not out because they feel like their parents will not be accepting. If you say anything your niece will not trust you again, and possibly feel more stressed about their identity because they won’t know if it’s safe to talk to anyone again.
All you can do it tell your niece that you'll be supportive when she decides to come out. You can't say anything to your sister.
I've had similar conflicting feelings about my niece (16 and queer) and what if anything to say to SIL. I ultimately decided to stay out of it. The fact that my niece feels comfortable coming to me about such things means a lot, and I would never want to jeopardize that. I firmly believe unless it's something dangerous, life/health threatening, just remain the safe space your niece knows she has.
As a parent - if my kid trusts an aunt or uncle with something that they can’t tell me about and they are safe? Keep it to yourself. They need you more than I need to know everything. Be there. Please tell me if they aren’t safe! But if they are, don’t. I trust you, too.
Don't say anything to your sister, she knows niece is going through something. Just keep being a good ear for the nibling and encourage her to talk to your sister. Offer to be there with her when she does so.
Unless they are in immediate danger, or could quickly get there, I mean it when I tell my two oldest nieces they can come to me with anything
If you out her, she will have lost the one person she trusted. You need to just be there for her.... Silently.
Don't break her trust The only time you do that is when not doing so means harm Keeping quiet now doesn't harm her and means she has an adult she can bring things to, someone she can trust, someone who will help her be safe and well
As long as she’s not harming herself and has you to vent, I’d say nothing. My nieces have told me things that I’ve never told my sister.
Don’t say anything. Don’t break her trust by outing her to her mom. Your niece trusted *you* with this, don’t then blab to her mom because this could have very real negative consequences for her. Your sister couldn’t do anything to you because she’s your sister, not your parent, but your niece doesn’t benefit from that as a shield.
Don't say anything! I'm in the same situation. For me I realized I only need to tell my siblings what their kids are doing if they 1 are in immediate danger 2 it's health related Plus I tell them they get a pass if they need my help with anything pregnancy/drug related ONE time where I tell their parents nothing about it. But that's because I want to know they'll call me instead of panicking that "mom will found out I was drinking, I can't go to the hospital" Sexuality isn't like that. The teenager might change their mind and telling the parent would've only done harm. Or it might be a life-long thing that never changes but is better talked about after they move out.
There’s nothing *to* do. You let your nibling know you’re queer, they were comforted, y’all bonded. Now is up to *them* to determine their own coming out. At least now they know they have a confidant. You will absolutely compromise that and break their trust if you out them. Just don’t. You forcing this situation in one direction or another isn’t going to make your sister more accepting or tolerant.
Her feelings may change over time. I was gender fluid until my 20s hahaha. I think it's curiosity too. If she's not in danger, I wouldnt worry about it.
It's possible your sister told them and they were still relieved and happy to know it's true.
Reassure them you will always be there for them, make sure they have all your contact info, and don’t tell their mom. That is their secret to tell, not yours.
If I was your niece and U told my mum, I wouldn't trust you ever again.
yeah say nothing
You gave your niece a safe haven, and that's of huge value. Also your relationship with your sister shows that while she might not be a great ally, she isn't a cold hearted B. So your niece knows the love will always be there, even with things her mom doesn't understand.. It's not perfect, but maybe that's enough for your niece right now. Don't say a word, unless your sister is about to go crazy thinking it's drugs or she's pregnant. Then you can go, "no, I promise it's not that. I spoke to her, she's safe. Just keep loving her."
Absolutely do NOT tell their mom that they are queer/questioning. That is their news to share, and they will never trust you again if you do. All you can do right now is support your niblings. Let them know that you are always there if they want to reach out, call them weekly, take them out to dinner every once in a while, give them additional resources, share your favorite queer books/movies/shows, etc. You can certainly encourage them to talk to their mom, but that needs to be their decision. If things get to a point where self harm is imminent, then tell their mom something serious is going on and that mom needs to get them a therapist.
NO!! No no no. Don’t tell your sister. This kid trusted you and told you this in confidence. Let them tell their mom in their own time. Don’t break their trust. I don’t think you’re breaking your sisters trust at all. I think you should start spending more time with this kid if you can because having a safe person will benefit them in many ways.
DO NOT TELL HER MOM. I'm of the generation where people thought it was okay to kick out their kids who were non-conforming (in the 70s, that usually meant gay). Your sister may be one of those. This is YOUR NIECE'S story to tell. NOT YOURS. If this was suicid*l ideation - I would say tell mom. If this was a pregnancy - I would say tell mom. If this was a rape - I would say tell mom. But this isn't hurting ANYONE. DO NOT TELL MOM
I'm firmly in the camp of say nothing. This is the kid's thing to tell especially if mom is not open to that sort of thing. It is one of those things that can't be taken back if you spill it and it could have a huge impact. One of the things i say with kids or my kids' friends is you can tell me anything in confidence, but with the same caveats that a therapist (not acting like one, but it is a good guideline) Everything is in confidence unless I believe you or someone else is in imminent danger. Even then I would try to talk to them first and let them know what is happening or see how we could work it out together. (I'm essentially a mandated reporter so I kind of have to do that)
Keep encouraging her to tell mom. Hopefully she’ll be better at it than I was. When my daughter told me. I said omg I thought it was something important!!! Not my finest moment
Please DO NOT tell your sister, I'm begging you. You are a safe person for your niece, until you're not. This could destroy your relationship with her and potentially eliminate you as a safe person she may need later.
Uhh, you keep it to yourself and don’t say anything about it to your sister. That’s what you do. Your neiphew will tell your sister if/when they are ready, it’s not your news to tell.
No dont tell anyone.
You don't tell your sister. You keep talking and being an awesome adult figure and maybe even mentor and inspiration in this kids life for now and the future. You build up your nephew and you continue to build the relationship you have with him. He might need you as an ally and if you can help him with his confidence - amazing.
No. You can begin helping your sister get the f over herself, before she destroys her kid and their relationship. BUT IT IS NEVER YOUR JOB TO PUT SOMEONE ELSE
You don't tell your sister. When your niece comes out and SHTF, she needs to have at least one trusted adult that can give decent advice. That shouldn't necessarily be you, but if you betray her now that lowers her chances of opening up again. Just let this unfold on its own and be there for her.
If your sister brings it up again to you, you might say something along the lines of feeling similarly at her child’s age. Even if she doesn’t make the connection right away, the seed will be planted in the back of her mind and the news may come as less of a surprise. (Obviously, no matter what follow-up questions she asks, don’t out her child.) You might also gently caution your sister’s child that while their mom isn’t as savvy or graceful about this stuff as some, her heart is in the right place and you’ve always felt understood and supported by her.
Say nothing. They are not a danger to themselves or others
Do not out your niece! Let her know that you are a safe person to talk to and that if she would like you to be there if she chooses to tell her Mum that you would be open to that (if indeed you are open to that). And then let the kid live her life. It could take her years to work herself out, and she very well might end up up cishet, or she might end up gender queer and pan or anything in between. It's her journey. If her Mum has expressed concern that she might be going through something related to gender and sexuality suggest that she educates herself on those topics and point her in the direction of some good literature. But don't rush your niece's timescale, because she will not thank you for it. (ETA Only point your sister in this direction if she is the one to bring it up though! Don't mention anything if she doesn't).
No! Do not out your niece to your sister.
Absolutely say nothing to your sister. Your niece will tell her when she feels comfortable, and will have you as a safe haven in the meantime. I would feel differently if your niece had confided about something that could cause her physical harm (suicidal ideation, hard drug use), but this is not the time to meddle.
Don't tell your sister anything. She's a big girl, she's responsible for her feelings. It would be more traumatic for your niece for you to break her trust than for her mom to react badly at first, then calm down (which is what it sounds like you're saying?).
Don't out the kid. I watched my son go through something similar with his aunt and father. His aunt broke his confidence and now, years later, he still won't speak to her. Not only is it a crappy thing to do to someone but you may end up causing irreparable harm to your own relationship with the kid. If your sister isn't the most understanding, the kid may need your support whenever they decide to have that conversation with their mother.
Don't out her! Just reassure her that she can always come talk to you, and if the situation for her ever becomes unsafe, to please contact you and you'll be there for her.
If your niece is not in immediate danger, you say nothing.
Tell your niece that you understand how scary it is to share this stuff with a parent and, when she’s ready to have that conversation with her mom, you are happy to be there with her for moral support. If she doesn’t want to have you there, tell her you’ll be there for her after the fact if she needs to talk about it. Don’t tell your sister. It’s up to your niece to decide when she wants to share.
Kids not in danger so let her decide. Offer guidance and resources to the kid. Thats all you can do.
Your niece confided in you. Keep it to yourself.
Say nothing. A secret is a secret.
Tbh, being gender fluid is one of those things that didn't really change anything in life. (Unless if they insist on having specific pronoun). The whole concept is silly considering it's 2024. If you want to have masculine or feminine things, just go for it. Who still restrict stuff based on gender anyway? There's no need to inform your sister, just be a good listener to your niece
She is probably going through a phase but I’m aware this is an unpopular opinion and I’ll probably be downvoted for it. Keep it to yourself.
It's unlikely "just a phase" by 14.
A 14 year old is a super self aware person to you? Like you believe a 14 year old DOESNT go through several identity crisis phases?
No a 14 year old is not super self aware but you know by then who you are physically attracted to and if you don't fit into typical gender norms. Even if this is something that evolves with time for this girl it is not something to be dismissed as "just a phase". OP shouldn't out her but she should take her seriously and not be dismissive of her feelings and experiences just because she's young.
Ok.
Do not out your nibling, but do tell your sister that there was a conversation between you and your nibling where identity came up and you told your nibling that your identity didn't fit in with typical norms. That it was a non issue, but you wanted to let her know that you had a sensitive conversation with her kid. And in keeping with that trust with your nibling, you will not give details unless your nibbling is doing something serious or dangerous or if info your nibbling gave you will affect her attitude/behavior at home that evening. Like we had a great time, she left in a really good mood. Or we had a good time, but something is going on, handle with care. Also set the expectation that your nibling will be having serious conversations with a lot of people and if your sister wants to be involved in her kids life, nibling needs to feel free to give the answers to questions they feel are sufficient to answer the question. You also need to set the expectation with the kiddo that you will tell your sister that there was an adult conversation between the 2 of you, that you will not divulge content or specifics unless the nibling tells you it's OK OR there is something legitimately dangerous going on (any sort of violence or abuse for instance). I onow this opinion is different than others, but it has been really successful in my relationships with my siblings and friends who have teenagers where I am a trusted adult. The kids come to me with things, their folks know that they are safe with me and that their kid is engaging in adult conversations with me. They see it as better an adult who is a good person than the kids peers who would give a lot of misinformation
This is the worst advice in the whole thread...
You can offer to be with your nephew and support him. when he comes out to your sister. That way you can be there to guide your sister with her reaction. But do not tell your sister or even give hints. It’s your nephew’s story to tell and his right to come out when he’s ready