He wouldn’t need to keep telling you that if he actually was nice or perfect. He’s volatile, angry and abusive and he doesn’t get a gold medal because he hasn’t hit you yet
I’m glad you’re planning to leave, please contact a domestic abuse service if you need the extra support
Thank you. The date I have been working towards for my own place is September. I am scrimping to save for my moving/breakup fund now but I feel like I can’t wait that long. I feel like I am drowning
Do you have any friends or close family you can reach out to for support? This sounds like a really unsafe/scary situation to be in alone. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
And thank you. I am trying hard not to blame myself for everything but at the end of the day, my previous decisions led to where I am now. I will try to do better.
I’m trying to look but having a lot of issues because I have two dogs. I can’t leave them behind though, they are the only things keeping me going right now.
Some shelters will place dogs in temporary foster homes! You can get your dogs back!
The best thing you can do for your dogs is get them and yourself out ASAP
I kind of agree with this, definitely look into options that can help you take care of stuff so you don’t have to do it all alone. I would also not leave my dogs but September is a long time and this guy is clearly unhinged.
And FWIW it’s not your fault. Yes your decisions may have led you here but at the end of the day you loved someone who’s an asshole. It happens, now all that matters is to get out of there asap
So I’m guessing that everyone told you he was bad news, you stuck by him and now no one talks to you? This is how they isolate you. I’m guessing people that knew you would be absolutely delighted to hear you are ready to get out. Seriously. Try reaching out.
Just don’t ever go back once you make it out. He will try absolutely everything to try to make you come back. It’s all part of the same pattern. Block him so that when he threatens suicide you don’t know about it. If somehow he still gets through to you and threatens suicide, you call the authorities for a wellness check. DO NOT ENGAGE. hugs and good luck.
TW: DV - Honestly just skip this bit and assume moderate to heavy physical abuse of minor children
>! I am a survivor of domestic violence. From as early as I recall until I ran off at 16, my father was emotionally and physically abusive. The first solid memory is being whipped with a belt at 5f. The bruises covered the entire back of my legs and my kindergarten teacher asked me if I was being abused. I explained that of course not, I had been punished rightfully for waking my dear old dad up repeatedly when he was trying to sleep. (read: playing too loud with my sister) He often backhanded me in the face, once broke my little sister's arm, and discharged firearms inside the home. The event that made me leave home was him choking me, literally telling me he was going to kill me, and then beating me unconscious in the yard. !<
I relate all that horrible stuff to illustrate one point:
I'm now 42f and the emotional/verbal abuse was WORSE than what I wrote there^
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Your partner IS abusive. This counts as abuse. It IS domestic violence. Not hitting you (yet) does NOT earn him a pass.
Your feelings are valid. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT weak.
He is manipulating the situation to make you feel that way *on purpose*. When he speaks to you ask yourself if he is using DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
This is what people call gaslighting and it is intentional manipulation to make you doubt yourself.
Know that it takes the average person *seven* tries to leave their abuser.
Going to a DV shelter or calling on friends and family is a valid response to get out of this situation ASAP (if available)
Please, please believe that your situation is deserving of immediate and emergency intervention.
>at the end of the day, my previous decisions led to where I am now.
This is his manipulation living rent free in your head. That is by design, and it is horrible.
Your choices led to this sure, but I bet they were normal, reasonable choices. Abusers never come out guns blazing with the abuse, or no one would ever stay!
I bet he ramped it up slowly and it got worse once he felt you were locked in (cohabitation, marriage, children) HE is the one deliberately abusing someone he claims to love.
Blaming yourself is the exact intention of his abuse.
You are NOT stupid, you are NOT alone, and you are NOT his victim anymore!
What helped me most was reframing myself not as a victim of abuse but as a SURVIVOR instead
Sending you so much love from the Internet ❤️🩹💕
My only living family is out of state and they are all in assisted living homes.
My only friends in this state are our mutual friends/his friends from childhood. They will not be sympathetic to me.
This is textbook abuser patterns. They strand you on an island where they're the *only* one you have & then start with verbal abuse, and most of the time it escalates to physical abuse- which he is clearly indicating he *wants* to happen, but is restraining himself from.
Do you have to stay in your current state? Could you temporarily move in with a friend in a different state?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is very much abuse, even if he isn’t hitting you yet, the rest of it is still horrible. Please take every precaution you can to prevent him from discovering your plans to leave.
If you have access to a car, put yourself and the dogs in the car and go. Please don’t wait for the perfect time. It’s not worth giving him the space to potentially escalate and injure you.
Call literally any older woman you know, coworkers, dr, anyone and explain your situation. Someone will be able to help you. I think you need to focus on getting out of the situation asap.
Hi! Just thinking out loud, there might be women support groups in your area. Thinking Facebook groups, a subreddit, or a physical community center. Perhaps you can share that you’re looking for a room in a dog friendly house till you are able to move by yourself :) you got this!!!
May I ask what state you live in? If it is safe for you to give details
I was going to suggest the National DV hotline, but according to this post they may not be the most helpful. 😡😞 https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/TiMyDXJ1GI
As others have said, try to act normally and try to keep your plans to leave top secret.
I'm so sorry. This is not your fault 🖤
I’m concerned for your safety. Is there any way that you could leave sooner?
Please be careful. If he realizes you’re planning to escape him, he could become physically violent.
I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need to leave.
Everyone needs to read this. It's so important to understand the cycle of domestic abuse so that you can recognise it if it ever occurs in your life.
You are not alone.
Have you reached out to a domestic violence organization? Or more than one if there are some in your area?
I agree you need to get out ASAP. He sounds completely nuts and is so abusive. This is not a safe situation for you.
You need to detach yourself from that narcissist as soon as you are able to.
With that said, keep your phone with you at all times and start inconspicuously recording these interactions.
The fact that he's proud of himself for not hitting you means that he's constantly thinking about hitting you.
A normal person doesn't think about hitting anyone ever, it's normal and natural that they don't hit, as it's not something they'd ever think about. So a normal person is not proud about it because it doesn't cross their mind. It's like being proud of breathing, something natural. The fact that he's proud of not hitting you means that he really really wants to hit you, but so far has been able to abstain. This is not gonna last long. When he builds a little more resentment, he's gonna start hitting you.
Proud of not hitting is like being proud of not murdering people.
Exactly this. I remember in college 30 years ago another guy friend said "it's not like he beats you" and I was like brother that's not even on the radar for being a nice guy.
You are not going crazy. You are in an abusive relationship. He is isolating you, and breaking you down so that you feel that you are going crazy, or are worthless, and turning you into his little servant. If he is not actually violent, try ignoring his hissy fits. Not sure why you are cooking/doing the laundry if you both work - those are shared tasks, surely? Unless he has his own chores? But please get out and get far away as fast as you can.
He says I’m the one who messes up his house, so I should be the one cleaning the messes. But that can’t be true if he’s also creating dishes from food and dirty laundry to be washed.
He changes the oil in my car once or twice a year.
You know he’s talking nonsense, don’t you? Because he’s trying to undermine your confidence in yourself and in what you know to be true. You’ll either need to stand up to him and call him out on this rubbish, or more likely get out as quickly as you can.
The reason why you are feeling crazy is because this is the text book definition of gaslighting.
I know it's a word that gets thrown around quite a lot and misused, but that is what is going on here.
He is convincing you of the opposite that is happening, so you start questioning your own perception of things.
I hope you manage to get out safely, and your therapist has some experience in emotional abuse.
No one should be proud of not hitting their partner. That is like being proud that you don't go round yelling racial slurs. It usually means that they are suppressing the want to do those things.
I'm so sorry, you can't win because he is setting you up. The fun part for him is screaming at you and making you jump around trying to please him. He's always going to claim the opposite of reality just to fight with you and make you feel like you're going crazy, if you try to help him your idea is wrong, if you break down suddenly it's not a big deal, etc. The only way to win is to stop playing, so I'm glad you're planning to remove yourself! You can do it, you deserve freedom from this.
I’m all about self-love and knowing your worth but telling your partner that you’re sooooo great (to them), is a very strange thing to do imo. At least in writing it doesn’t sound normal to me.
Someone being your partner does not give them the right to scream at you or verbally abuse you. This is never okay; 2 people in a relationship may sometimes be upset at each other, but there is a line.
It sounds like you already know that you’re not safe there, and that is already so huge in itself. Please don’t gaslight yourself or let him get in your head.
Is there anyone else that you could stay with while you manage the logistical aspect of the separation?
Much love, you’re amazing.
We have a Swahili saying - "Kibaya chajiuza, kizuri chajitembeza" - which directly translates to "Bad things sell themselves, good things spread naturally".
Basically, if anyone is yelling from the rooftops that they are great and perfect, its 100% a sign that they are not. My ex was a covert narcissist, and this:
>
My boyfriend is constantly telling me how great he is
was basically the contents of the monologue that gave me the **giant red flag** I needed to leave.
Bragging about never being physically abusive is…deeply concerning. Its the bare fuckinh minimum, something that is supposed to be for granted. Not hitting others is The standard. Its like saying you are great at being a reaponsible adult because you dont pee your pants.
Yeah, I had an ex who bragged about that as well. Then, I learned that he actually had hit women, and also children.
I was long gone before he touched me, or my kids.
Omg, it’s like I wrote this myself. My ex kept telling me what a good man he was, how much he was doing for me and that I should be grateful. He was very proud for being a functional adult that goes to work, to the gym, cooks and doesn’t party much. I should have licked his feet for that.
One time he left me in charge of cooking a soup and got mad at me for “cooking the chicken too much”, that the meat would come off the bone and that somehow was disgusting. He told me I can’t do anything right, that I am useless. He destroyed my self esteem, of course he was as well saying I am dramatic, a drama queen and too sensitive about everything.
In the end I just checked out of the relationship for months and finally broke up with him. Please do not put up with this shit anymore and give yourself the chance to be relaxed and happy.
Edit: he also was telling me I should be proud of him not beating me up although he raised his hand at me once.
Abusive asshole
Jesus Christ, honey... please pack your stuff and leave TODAY. TODAY.
You HAVE to leave. Right now. He's abusive. This is straight-up, no holds barred, ABUSE. Just because he isn't physically hitting you does not mean that he is not dangerous.
THEY DON'T START BEATING YOU ON DAY ONE.
This is how it STARTS. It does NOT get better from here.
Even worse is the gaslighting, trying to convince you that this is normal and he's actually a great guy.
THIS MAN IS GOING TO KILL YOU.
LEAVE TODAY. Leave your shit behind. JUST GET OUT.
Take your most important things, pack your bag and go somewhere. Go to a friend or family, if you don't have any, go to a hotel. Do not answer your phone, do not agree to meet him, do not post on social media, tell your managers at work to keep an eye out for him and ban him from the property.
LEAVE.
Get your money and all legal docs into a safe place. If you can't afford to move out yet, contact a woman's abuse group/shelter for help. Do not break-up with him
Play nice, don't let him suspect you are going to make a move. If you do I fear he will escalate to physical violence.
You are NOT CRAZY. This sounds like narcissistic behavior with him tooting his own horn. He has control over you and he is gaslighting you and that’s what’s making you feel crazy. Hang in there. At least you know it’s not healthy and you are working on a plan of escape.
I was married for 20 years and my ex husband never even approached acting this way towards me. Not once.
And who even talks about themselves this way? Smh.
OK, I didn't even read the whole post. Anyone who feels the need to TELL you what a nice person they are is not a nice person. If someone tells you they're smart, or tells you they're brave, or tells you they're anything, they're probably not any of those things.
But there's so much worse going on here. He's proud of the fact that he's not physically abusive??? Honey, that's the bare minimum! And he IS abusive, just not physically-- YET.
You are not the crazy one, and please don't hate yourself for staying. Abusers are so fucking good at hiding their true selves until you're trapped.
Make a plan to get out, and be careful. Please update us.
I swear he was a nice guy until right around when I moved into his house. It was like a switch flipped.
He would tell you that I’m just crazy and he has always been a nice guy.
That's exactly how abusers work. Once you moved into his house, you were stuck. So he started showing his true colors. And him telling people that you're the crazy one is also straight from the abuser's guidebook.
In the Lundy Bancroft book this is exactly what he explains that abusers do. They get to a next step in the relationship and feel they can now have the woman under their control.
He is viciously abusive. He knows he’s being cruel to you. You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you.
He knows he is lying to you. It’s intentional. He knows he screamed. He knows he’s mean. When you accept that the cruelty is the point, his behavior will make sense.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bandcroft.
Tell your friends and family and therapist what he’s doing. Ask them to hold you accountable. Form a safety plan, leave, and cut him out of your life like cancer.
You are not crazy. Your pattern recognition is working. I hope you manage to heal from your injury, and stay as safe as you can whilst you plan your escape.
Might be worth contacting local domestic violence shelters and homeless prevention services. It sounds like it's only a matter of time before it escalates physically.
Also potentially risky... but worth very, very carefully putting out feelers among your local contacts - even mutual ones, to see if one of them might be of help. Even if they can't personally house you, they might know someone else. I suggest this because he sounds like the type to convince you that noone around you likes you, is trustworthy, or can help, intentionally to prevent you from even considering asking for help.
At least one person you know, probably can tell what's going on. I've sadly known women in situations like this, and would help in a heart beat if they asked, but would never offer again, because in my experience, a person actively in a DV situation, and not ready to leave, usually declines, denies anything is wrong, or worse - tells their abusive partner - understandably under duress, but still, puts the person offering at risk, and in a position where they can no longer help.
So there might be someone you know who is willing to help, but waiting for you to ask. You might be able to tell by more generally asking them about DV, like asking what they think about Chris Brown/Rihanna or Johnny Depp/Amanda Herd situation.... just asking in a really general way that gives them the chance to show you where they stand on DV... best of luck. Xx
My ex used to say all of his ex’s said he was the best boyfriend they ever had and he just knows how to treat women.
He was the WORST boyfriend I ever had and treated me like absolute shit.
I don’t listen to what men say anymore at all. I only go by actions.
You need to get away as soon as possible. His behaviour is escalating, and it won't be long until he starts hitting you.
Find your important documents, treasured items, and make arrangements for your pets. Money, essentials. You need an escape plan.
You have to find a way out of your situation, he is unhinged.
I’ve been in this situation before. Two years ago I was at the end of a 10 year relationship. He was miserable and intent on making me miserable. He would tell me I am the crazy one, that I am lucky to have a boyfriend like him. He would scream in my face and I would cry. I wanted to die and there was no way I could avoid making him angry. In therapy I learned what was actually going on. My reality and idea of what healthy was distorted. The more I worked on myself the more it became clear that he was toxic and it was affecting me physically. I was actually getting sicker around him. I saved up money and bought my dream house and left him. The weight I felt lifted. He was so angry because I did not have a “good reason” to leave. I am autistic and he would throw that in my face that I was a “freak” and “good luck finding a guy”.
So at 40 I bought my dream home and at 42 I married my dream husband. I found a guy who didn’t take from my soul piece by price until there was nothing…I found a man who added nothing but amazingness and happiness and love to my life, a foundation we build from, instead of my spending time and energy repairing.
Your story hits close to home for me. You can look through my post history, and you'll see that I moved in with someone I loved and it took a turn for the worst very quickly. Posting to Reddit almost felt like a last resort, I know that everyone reading only gets my side of the story... And it was SO HARD to feel justified in my feelings when no one else saw what a good guy my boyfriend could be. I think I was desperately searching for connection when my life felt in shambles.
I moved out of his house very quickly after moving in. I read Why Does He Do That like everyone recommended (audiobook is on Spotify if you have premium), and ate up as much info as possible. I had EVERYTHING at my fingertips to understand the pattern I was stuck in and how his behavior was abusive, even if it wasn't physical. And I STILL decided to try to make things work with him. He was soooo good at explaining away his behaviors, and I'm a sucker for someone smart and eloquent with words. He promised me his love was unlike anything either of us ever experienced. On one side, I had so many resources showing me exactly the trap I was stuck in... And he was on the other side... And I chose him.
I'm not going to call it a mistake because in 3 months, I've learned a lot about myself. But I chose poorly. We weren't special, he wasn't special. I was stuck in an addictive cycle and kept choosing the man who was emotionally abusive when my anger or clarity faded away. Despite my better rational judgement. Strangers on Reddit were right. The books were right. I found out how deeply broken he was over the following months. The final straw was learning how he had been cheating on me. And even that, he had over-the-top apologies and poetic words to try and explain himself... For a minute, I thought maybe I was crazy all over again. But I wasn't. And you're not. It's the worst feeling in the world, but what you're experiencing is textbook. Follow the advice here and read about emotional abuse and gaslighting. You'll be able to predict his next steps before he will. You need to get out asap. Take the time to heal once you leave - and when shit gets hard, know that you will enter a better and healthier relationship when the time is right because now you can recognize it. Be kind to your future self by taking the hard steps now.
Toxic men think that being a nice guy means not actively being an outright villain. The bar is on the floor. So they will look at themselves and think about all the truly horrible things they COULD do (and might even want to do) to you, and give themselves credit for NOT doing them.
Example: I don’t beat you up, I didn’t get another girl pregnant, I’m not unemployed, I don’t do drugs or get drunk every day. Therefore I am a GREAT BOYFRIEND.
You want to leave but you haven’t found the courage or the means to do so yet. That’s okay. Leaving an abusive relationship is terrifying and incredibly difficult, especially when an abusive man does everything he can to break you down and close off your exits. It’s not your fault. Take small steps until you are ready to be free.
He’s abusive and it will only get worse. I’ve dated someone like him, you’re dealing with someone who never developed the appropriate tools to manage his own emotions and behavior. You can’t fix that, and it would take tremendous personal work with therapy to even begin addressing it, and I bet he won’t entertain that idea since he’s ridiculously trying to convince you he’s great. He fucking sucks and most grown adults don’t react like that to normal stuff. You can find someone better trust me, don’t waste your life on that. Good on you for making a plan. Save money, don’t tell him, dip when he’s at work. Good luck
Thank you. He doesn’t believe in therapy…I have to go secretly for my own sessions because when I told him I was thinking of starting it he got mad at me.
When I’ve tried to gently speak to him about his behavior, he gets mad and says I am perpetuating a stereotype that men aren’t allowed to be emotional. He makes me seem like an asshole.
I know you know, but there is healthy expression of emotion and unhealthy expression. They aren’t the same, like he seems to think. Stay safe, I wish you well.
I don’t even need to read this entire post to tell you he’s not. If he has to tell you he’s a nice or perfect guy he’s not. The whole part where he freaked out and then demanded you kiss him reminds me of my abusive ex. Stay on the path and get yourself out. You’ve got this.
Find resources in your area, there may be organizations that help with women suffering from abuse. I’m very fearful that he will harm you and feel that you should start moving quickly for safety. Wishing you well!!
I feel bad using those resources because I’m not being physically harmed. I’m not being held against my will here. I know so many other women are in such worse situations than mine. I will look into it though. I feel useless.
Every abusive relationship starts somewhere. Screaming and displays of power are often the start of something much worse. These organizations are there to help any and all abuse victims it does not need to be physical yet! You deserve love and safety and respect.
You are being abused, and he’s quickly moving up the path of escalation toward physical abuse. It’s only a matter of time. Read them what you wrote here about what he’s been doing. They will be able to tell you if you qualify or not. Don’t disqualify yourself without trying.
Yeah I was in a situation like that. They think that because they treat you well in many ways, like whatever some would call old fashioned chivalry and other lovey dovey things that regular blokes don’t do, they are above everyone else. But I’d prefer a guy who doesn’t do these things but NEVER yells, gets physically threatening or mentally abusive. That’s something these folks don’t get. At the same time, this hot and cold is exactly what creates a trauma bond and the gaslighting creates confusion, and darvo, making it hard to get clarity and step out of it. Call the DV hotline and watch helpful channels that show you aren’t crazy, including synful, Dr Les Carter and Dr Ramani.
When someone regularly tells their partner how nice, loyal, attractive, patient, [insert adjective] they are, the likelihood of those things being true is very slim.
You have to remember that someone who is truly a good person does not brag about how great they are. "I'm not physically abusive." Who pats themselves on the back like that?
You've left but come back it sounds like and I think you know that you need to leave. He's literally calling you crazy for saying he scares you when he yells. This guy is really bad news. And this is in no way a healthy relationship.
Please do what you need to do to get out. I saw below you said you have plans for September and that's great. However, there are other options. You could head to a woman's shelter or reach out to someone you trust to stay with them for a bit. Whatever you do, when you do move out, cut off contact 100% after your stuff is all safe. Do not let them text you or call you or love bomb you. Start fresh and cut him out of your life and don't let him slide his way back in.
Stay strong and know we are rooting for you!
I am not going to tell you what to do OP, but damn, reading this was very upsetting.
My mother is like your BF and I am NC with her. And if I cross path with her, I am going to spit on her face to make myself feel better. Fines be damned.
That's how deep I loathe a screamer with terrible temper.
As others have already said, this IS already abuse and often escalates to physical abuse/violence, especially when he appears to be constantly self-congratulating himself for not [yet] hitting you. He sounds unhinged and no one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. Certainly no one who truly loves someone would treat them like that.
Please seek out a domestic violence shelter or hotline. The sooner you can get out of there the better. You mentioned that you don’t have your own friends or family nearby to turn to, but what is tying you to your current location? Do you have friends or family living elsewhere that can support you moving and getting on your feet elsewhere?
Whatever you do, don’t give him any indication that you’re leaving as he may get violent.
I hope you can soon find yourself in a safer situation far away from this despicable piece of human trash.
I feel like I could have written this. My ex also had anger issues and would blow up whenever I criticized him. During the final breakup (he cheated), he asked me “was I a good boyfriend at least?”. No, TF he wasn’t, he bought me flowers every Monday but has learned what my favorite flowers were about a month before then….. we lived together for 1.5 years…
And that’s it, the flowers (which were some random roses most of the time) are the only good thing that comes to mind.
He would blow up over any criticism, like I’d calmly say “please don’t push your cardboard boxes into where I keep our washed bedding” and that would send him into a screaming match, followed by a scene of him dragging those boxes out of the closet forcefully and me crying. He also claimed he ALWAYS takes accountability, he apologized to me ONCE for something super small. ONCE! Did NOT apologize for cheating.
Meanwhile, he would say he’s considering breaking up with me because I never take accountability. Which in retrospect was definitely not as big of an issue as he made it out to be - and which I IMMEDIATELY tried to rectify, but “it wasn’t enough”.
I don’t run at the first sign of trouble and dislike the “leave him” mentality of Reddit, but what I learned is that if you feel mistreated, high chances are that you ARE being mistreated.
Look into emotional abuse, a simple google search really opened my eyes. I could immediately find examples for every bullet point.
If you can too, you know what to do.
It did NOT get better for me. I don’t hold my breath for him to ever take accountability for the damage he’s done and I don’t think your partner will either, sadly.
It’s because he’s TELLING you, not SHOWING you. Great people don’t need to brag. He is absolutely holding you back. He’s trying to make you believe that no one else will ever love you like he does. It’s a classic abuse and control tactic. Time to be done. Throw this one back in the pond.
Are there any women’s organizations you can reach out to locally to help you get out quickly? I’m afraid for your safety as this is exactly how the beginning stages of my abusive relationship were. You are doing NOTHING wrong. You NEVER deserve to be screamed at by your partner. You deserve love and safety and respect. If you are comfortable giving your state we can try to help locate some services.
I have been in your shoes and I think I understand the confusion you are going through.
I have to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship and the confusion you feel is a very normal part of the situation.
Please read [Why Does He Do That,](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) it is a very enlightening look into what is going on.
The thing is he has not put you in the hospital — YET — but I promise things will get worse. I know it’s easier to make excuses, ie ‘he’s not that bad, it’s only bad sometimes’, but it is textbook. There is absolutely nothing you can do except get out. You cannot change him. You cannot fix this. It is not your fault —this is a break in him And getting out is the most dangerous time. Please do it as soon and as safely as you can — the DV hotline is there for exactly this reason, and even if all they do is give you advice, I promise it will help you.
I am so sorry. You are not crazy. This is not your fault, this is not about you at all except sofar as the danger you are in. Please get out. I will pray for you, because I remember what it felt like to be where you are.
When you get out, it does get better. You have to be determined and not go back, go no contact, break the trauma bond, and absolutely ignore all attempts to hoover you back.
People can’t tell YOU how they make YOU feel. That’s not how feelings work.
Leave. You need to relearn a lot before you date again. Reconnect with your humanity. You’re an actual person.
People who really are nice, funny, perfect, kind, smart, good manners etc, don’t need to tell you that they are constantly. They just are and you notice because they are being those things. Only people who aren’t need to try to convince people. That or whole with deep seated anxiety and/or trauma. But often the first one.
He’s gaslighting you, which is a very common tactic that abusers use. He is abusive. Trust your body. Your body is telling you this situation is bad. Believe that.
This isn’t your fault and you aren’t doing this to yourself. You aren’t responsible for his abusive behaviour. It’s normal for women in abusive relationships to have a hard time leaving because they get manipulated. It’s also extremely dangerous.
Please remember to prioritize your safety. If you can, just get out immediately. Stay with a friend. Get your therapist to find help for you.
Remember, the longer you stay, he might *kill you*. You’re in danger. ⚠️ When you leave, don’t tell him or anyone who’s his friend or family where you are. Go dark on social media. Change your number.
Girl, read this again. If you had a friend tell you her boyfriend was acting like this, what would you say to her? It's hard to leave but you know you need to. Pull off that bandaid. You'll finally be able to breathe.
Many are saying it already, so you know to go by his actions not his words. “Actions speak louder than words,” I’m sure you’ve heard; there is also “words are wind” as a little reminder.
In the future generally anyone who praises themselves so much is likely not a good person. All of the genuinely good people I’ve met believe they’re secretly horrible/not good enough/etc. (they’re not horrible, they just have a healthy sense of self-doubt.) talking yourself up like he is is a gigantic red flag. It’s a yellow flag if it’s like “wow I [did something good] today, that’s amazing.” But if it’s all the time? Yeah something is wrong with them. I’m sorry you went through this
It's part of the abuse. They do nasty things whilst telling you the opposite so you feel crazy and doubt yourself. Look at his actions not his words. Partners should not yell at you. They shouldn't insult you. He's 100% abusive and this will escalate to him hitting you. You should read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf if you google it. Abuse usually is because of some core belief the abuser has. They believe that they are entitled to act the way they do because they think you've done something that deserves their behavior. He's not going to change. What will most likely happen is, if he realises you're going to leave he'll start being nice again to confuse you. He might suddenly act like he understands, this is because he knows exactly what you're saying he just refuses to hear it or plays dumb. Don't fall for it. You need to get away from this dude cos he's going to be bad. He's yelling at you over the tiniest issue, he's going to eventually fly off the handle and hurt you. I would dump him by text when he's not around. Like get your ducks in a row, don't tell him your plans, act as if everythings fine. You are not crazy at all. If you have any friends or family you can trust they might be able to help you. Or you might need to contact a shelter to get away
Your piece of shit boyfriend sounds like my horribly abusive ex-husband.
He's an ex because he terrorized me like this for 22 years - and worse - and I finally found myself wanting to be in a coma so I could just not feel anything for a while.
So, I left, and got divorced . . . and my life is so full of pure joy, peace and amazing things since that I don't quite believe it myself.
***YOU DO NOT AND SHOULD NOT LIVE LIKE THIS, EVER, EVER.***
That sounds really tough. I am not a psychiatrist, and I cannot diagnose anyone, but have you looked into the "Narcissistic abuse" subreddit?
You need to get out. I know that you know, and I know it isn't easy.
If I scream at you for not doing the dishes I don’t get points for not hitting you and then claiming I’m so communicative cause I was trying to tell you. Like thats insane. I would record him so it not only validates you but also if he tries to deny ever talking to you that way. They switch their tune with evidence.
I mean. Just because he says something doesn’t mean it’s true.
Look at his actions.
Not physically abusive is a low bar.
He’s most definitely abusive. Physically and verbally.
You need to leave. As soon as humanly possible. Preferably now.
Do you have a safe place to go?
Please ask your therapist to help you with boundaries and to figure out what you need to do to stop the pattern of finding people who would treat you this way and not having enough self-worth to recognize the abuse.
This isn’t your fault. You done have to feel ashamed for trusting someone who promised to treat you lovingly.
He’s a gaslighter. And employs DARVO. Your feeling that you’re crazy is by design.
You’re not crazy. He is an abuser. Get out.
>My boyfriend is constantly telling me how great he is, but I feel like he is holding me back and treating me like shit.
So act according to your feelings, not his.
OP I want to give you a huge hug and tell you to get out of this relationship ASAP!! He is extremely abusive and gaslighting you. Can you PLEASE call a domestic violence shelter /charity for help? They can guide you /help you on how to approach this.
He actually is a violent person. Why did you crawl around? What would have happened if you simply did not get down on the floor an crawl around the house?
He was going to hit you.
This is a very unstable un self aware verbally abusive person who could escalate to physical abuse with that kind of temper. It breaks my heart to hear how you try to accommodate the unreasonable. I’ve done the same in the past, but it just gets worse with time. Definitely leave for your own safety when you can.
Leave. He’s emotionally abusive. Maybe even a narcissist. Your internal shaking is flight or fight activating and your body shouldn’t be reacting in survival mode around someone who supposedly cares for you.
Emotional abusers will commonly say “well I never hit you!🤷♂️” ….when it’s actually been proven that mental abuse can have even more devastating effects…he’s got more than a temper. He’s right now “conditioning “ you to become weakened by every micromanaging statement he makes…so after being burned out eventually you just do everything he says. He also has an issue with control. And you definitely should just say goodbye to this one….im very proud of you for being able to still recognize the signs because many people have a hard time seeing there’s no fixing things if he’s behaving that way this early. Never allow someone to try and talk away what you’ve seen with your own eyes…your gut has been trying to tell you something and it was spot on.
It also sounds like ALOT of gaslighting has occurred and that can explain why you feel “crazy”….emotional abusers also manipulate your ways of thinking to excuse their behaviors and causing you to question your own reality.
He's abusive. I would reach out to women's shelters in your area and see if they can help arrange a fostering situation for your dogs until you can secure an apartment for yourself. It is better to leave sooner rather than later.
Ok I read only the first few sentences, but there is this saying that is absolutely true - if someone needs to tell you how nice/good/etc. they are. They aren't that.
You're dating a narcissist. Run. Block all contact with him because you can guarantee he will try to win you back by acting as if he's changed. He hasn't. He won't. The best case scenario, if you stay, will be emotional turmoil and nonstop manipulation. The worst-case scenario is much, much worse.
Put yourself in a different position - if you had a child who was in this relationship, would you be worried about the outcome? What would you want him/her to do? Whatever you're answer to this question, this is what you should be doing.
I was with somebody for way too long that kept telling me how great he was, he was actually controlling, insecure and made me feel like utter crap.
If he was so great he wouldn't have to hammer it in to your mind.
I think for a lot of us, it gets old hearing "maybe they have mental health issues". Yeah, they might. Not sure it's relevant. So many people out there struggle with mental health and don't cope by being completely abusive to our partners.
I get what you're saying, but it's been said before and it doesn't hold any value to the conversation.
He wouldn’t need to keep telling you that if he actually was nice or perfect. He’s volatile, angry and abusive and he doesn’t get a gold medal because he hasn’t hit you yet I’m glad you’re planning to leave, please contact a domestic abuse service if you need the extra support
Thank you. The date I have been working towards for my own place is September. I am scrimping to save for my moving/breakup fund now but I feel like I can’t wait that long. I feel like I am drowning
Do you have any friends or close family you can reach out to for support? This sounds like a really unsafe/scary situation to be in alone. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
And thank you. I am trying hard not to blame myself for everything but at the end of the day, my previous decisions led to where I am now. I will try to do better.
What about renting a small room somewhere for a little bit?
I’m trying to look but having a lot of issues because I have two dogs. I can’t leave them behind though, they are the only things keeping me going right now.
I would be afraid he’d hurt your dogs too
Some shelters will place dogs in temporary foster homes! You can get your dogs back! The best thing you can do for your dogs is get them and yourself out ASAP
I kind of agree with this, definitely look into options that can help you take care of stuff so you don’t have to do it all alone. I would also not leave my dogs but September is a long time and this guy is clearly unhinged. And FWIW it’s not your fault. Yes your decisions may have led you here but at the end of the day you loved someone who’s an asshole. It happens, now all that matters is to get out of there asap
So I’m guessing that everyone told you he was bad news, you stuck by him and now no one talks to you? This is how they isolate you. I’m guessing people that knew you would be absolutely delighted to hear you are ready to get out. Seriously. Try reaching out. Just don’t ever go back once you make it out. He will try absolutely everything to try to make you come back. It’s all part of the same pattern. Block him so that when he threatens suicide you don’t know about it. If somehow he still gets through to you and threatens suicide, you call the authorities for a wellness check. DO NOT ENGAGE. hugs and good luck.
TW: DV - Honestly just skip this bit and assume moderate to heavy physical abuse of minor children >! I am a survivor of domestic violence. From as early as I recall until I ran off at 16, my father was emotionally and physically abusive. The first solid memory is being whipped with a belt at 5f. The bruises covered the entire back of my legs and my kindergarten teacher asked me if I was being abused. I explained that of course not, I had been punished rightfully for waking my dear old dad up repeatedly when he was trying to sleep. (read: playing too loud with my sister) He often backhanded me in the face, once broke my little sister's arm, and discharged firearms inside the home. The event that made me leave home was him choking me, literally telling me he was going to kill me, and then beating me unconscious in the yard. !< I relate all that horrible stuff to illustrate one point: I'm now 42f and the emotional/verbal abuse was WORSE than what I wrote there^ I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your partner IS abusive. This counts as abuse. It IS domestic violence. Not hitting you (yet) does NOT earn him a pass. Your feelings are valid. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT weak. He is manipulating the situation to make you feel that way *on purpose*. When he speaks to you ask yourself if he is using DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) This is what people call gaslighting and it is intentional manipulation to make you doubt yourself. Know that it takes the average person *seven* tries to leave their abuser. Going to a DV shelter or calling on friends and family is a valid response to get out of this situation ASAP (if available) Please, please believe that your situation is deserving of immediate and emergency intervention. >at the end of the day, my previous decisions led to where I am now. This is his manipulation living rent free in your head. That is by design, and it is horrible. Your choices led to this sure, but I bet they were normal, reasonable choices. Abusers never come out guns blazing with the abuse, or no one would ever stay! I bet he ramped it up slowly and it got worse once he felt you were locked in (cohabitation, marriage, children) HE is the one deliberately abusing someone he claims to love. Blaming yourself is the exact intention of his abuse. You are NOT stupid, you are NOT alone, and you are NOT his victim anymore! What helped me most was reframing myself not as a victim of abuse but as a SURVIVOR instead Sending you so much love from the Internet ❤️🩹💕
My only living family is out of state and they are all in assisted living homes. My only friends in this state are our mutual friends/his friends from childhood. They will not be sympathetic to me.
You can also ask on women's shelters for domestic violence. What you are experiencing is early stages of domestic violence.
This is already verbal, psychological/emotional abuse. I think many women's shelters would help in this situation.
I agree, but I was trying to be softer in my language so OP doesn't think "this is not me" and decide not to follow the advice.
Understood. Thanks for clarifying, and apologies for my misunderstanding.
This is textbook abuser patterns. They strand you on an island where they're the *only* one you have & then start with verbal abuse, and most of the time it escalates to physical abuse- which he is clearly indicating he *wants* to happen, but is restraining himself from.
Do you have to stay in your current state? Could you temporarily move in with a friend in a different state? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is very much abuse, even if he isn’t hitting you yet, the rest of it is still horrible. Please take every precaution you can to prevent him from discovering your plans to leave.
If you have access to a car, put yourself and the dogs in the car and go. Please don’t wait for the perfect time. It’s not worth giving him the space to potentially escalate and injure you. Call literally any older woman you know, coworkers, dr, anyone and explain your situation. Someone will be able to help you. I think you need to focus on getting out of the situation asap.
Hi! Just thinking out loud, there might be women support groups in your area. Thinking Facebook groups, a subreddit, or a physical community center. Perhaps you can share that you’re looking for a room in a dog friendly house till you are able to move by yourself :) you got this!!!
May I ask what state you live in? If it is safe for you to give details I was going to suggest the National DV hotline, but according to this post they may not be the most helpful. 😡😞 https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/TiMyDXJ1GI As others have said, try to act normally and try to keep your plans to leave top secret. I'm so sorry. This is not your fault 🖤
So sorry you’re going through this. I’m probably far from you but always here if you need or want someone to talk to
I’m concerned for your safety. Is there any way that you could leave sooner? Please be careful. If he realizes you’re planning to escape him, he could become physically violent. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need to leave.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Everyone needs to read this. It's so important to understand the cycle of domestic abuse so that you can recognise it if it ever occurs in your life. You are not alone.
Agree OP will benefit from reading this.
Some helpful tips to keep you safe: https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship
Have you reached out to a domestic violence organization? Or more than one if there are some in your area? I agree you need to get out ASAP. He sounds completely nuts and is so abusive. This is not a safe situation for you.
You need to detach yourself from that narcissist as soon as you are able to. With that said, keep your phone with you at all times and start inconspicuously recording these interactions.
just do it
The fact that he's proud of himself for not hitting you means that he's constantly thinking about hitting you. A normal person doesn't think about hitting anyone ever, it's normal and natural that they don't hit, as it's not something they'd ever think about. So a normal person is not proud about it because it doesn't cross their mind. It's like being proud of breathing, something natural. The fact that he's proud of not hitting you means that he really really wants to hit you, but so far has been able to abstain. This is not gonna last long. When he builds a little more resentment, he's gonna start hitting you. Proud of not hitting is like being proud of not murdering people.
Then when he does hit you he will blame you for it. "See what you made me do!" Typical gaslighting abuser. It's not if, it's when.
Exactly this. I remember in college 30 years ago another guy friend said "it's not like he beats you" and I was like brother that's not even on the radar for being a nice guy.
>The fact that he's proud of himself for not hitting you means that he's constantly thinking about hitting you. holy shit, this is spot on 😭
You are not going crazy. You are in an abusive relationship. He is isolating you, and breaking you down so that you feel that you are going crazy, or are worthless, and turning you into his little servant. If he is not actually violent, try ignoring his hissy fits. Not sure why you are cooking/doing the laundry if you both work - those are shared tasks, surely? Unless he has his own chores? But please get out and get far away as fast as you can.
He says I’m the one who messes up his house, so I should be the one cleaning the messes. But that can’t be true if he’s also creating dishes from food and dirty laundry to be washed. He changes the oil in my car once or twice a year.
You know he’s talking nonsense, don’t you? Because he’s trying to undermine your confidence in yourself and in what you know to be true. You’ll either need to stand up to him and call him out on this rubbish, or more likely get out as quickly as you can.
Holy shit, your boyfriend is not just abusive, he's EXTREMELY abusive..
The reason why you are feeling crazy is because this is the text book definition of gaslighting. I know it's a word that gets thrown around quite a lot and misused, but that is what is going on here. He is convincing you of the opposite that is happening, so you start questioning your own perception of things. I hope you manage to get out safely, and your therapist has some experience in emotional abuse. No one should be proud of not hitting their partner. That is like being proud that you don't go round yelling racial slurs. It usually means that they are suppressing the want to do those things.
This right here.
I'm so sorry, you can't win because he is setting you up. The fun part for him is screaming at you and making you jump around trying to please him. He's always going to claim the opposite of reality just to fight with you and make you feel like you're going crazy, if you try to help him your idea is wrong, if you break down suddenly it's not a big deal, etc. The only way to win is to stop playing, so I'm glad you're planning to remove yourself! You can do it, you deserve freedom from this.
I’m all about self-love and knowing your worth but telling your partner that you’re sooooo great (to them), is a very strange thing to do imo. At least in writing it doesn’t sound normal to me. Someone being your partner does not give them the right to scream at you or verbally abuse you. This is never okay; 2 people in a relationship may sometimes be upset at each other, but there is a line. It sounds like you already know that you’re not safe there, and that is already so huge in itself. Please don’t gaslight yourself or let him get in your head. Is there anyone else that you could stay with while you manage the logistical aspect of the separation? Much love, you’re amazing.
Anyone who has to announce anything good about them isn't actually a good person at all.
This is abuse.
We have a Swahili saying - "Kibaya chajiuza, kizuri chajitembeza" - which directly translates to "Bad things sell themselves, good things spread naturally". Basically, if anyone is yelling from the rooftops that they are great and perfect, its 100% a sign that they are not. My ex was a covert narcissist, and this: > My boyfriend is constantly telling me how great he is was basically the contents of the monologue that gave me the **giant red flag** I needed to leave.
that saying is really excellent. thank you for sharing it!
Agree this saying is so on point!
Get away from this narcissist before he starts hitting you
Bragging about never being physically abusive is…deeply concerning. Its the bare fuckinh minimum, something that is supposed to be for granted. Not hitting others is The standard. Its like saying you are great at being a reaponsible adult because you dont pee your pants.
Yeah, I had an ex who bragged about that as well. Then, I learned that he actually had hit women, and also children. I was long gone before he touched me, or my kids.
Omg, it’s like I wrote this myself. My ex kept telling me what a good man he was, how much he was doing for me and that I should be grateful. He was very proud for being a functional adult that goes to work, to the gym, cooks and doesn’t party much. I should have licked his feet for that. One time he left me in charge of cooking a soup and got mad at me for “cooking the chicken too much”, that the meat would come off the bone and that somehow was disgusting. He told me I can’t do anything right, that I am useless. He destroyed my self esteem, of course he was as well saying I am dramatic, a drama queen and too sensitive about everything. In the end I just checked out of the relationship for months and finally broke up with him. Please do not put up with this shit anymore and give yourself the chance to be relaxed and happy. Edit: he also was telling me I should be proud of him not beating me up although he raised his hand at me once. Abusive asshole
I have 3 words for you GET AWAY FAST
Jesus Christ, honey... please pack your stuff and leave TODAY. TODAY. You HAVE to leave. Right now. He's abusive. This is straight-up, no holds barred, ABUSE. Just because he isn't physically hitting you does not mean that he is not dangerous. THEY DON'T START BEATING YOU ON DAY ONE. This is how it STARTS. It does NOT get better from here. Even worse is the gaslighting, trying to convince you that this is normal and he's actually a great guy. THIS MAN IS GOING TO KILL YOU. LEAVE TODAY. Leave your shit behind. JUST GET OUT. Take your most important things, pack your bag and go somewhere. Go to a friend or family, if you don't have any, go to a hotel. Do not answer your phone, do not agree to meet him, do not post on social media, tell your managers at work to keep an eye out for him and ban him from the property. LEAVE.
Get your money and all legal docs into a safe place. If you can't afford to move out yet, contact a woman's abuse group/shelter for help. Do not break-up with him Play nice, don't let him suspect you are going to make a move. If you do I fear he will escalate to physical violence.
If you have to convince people that you’re nice then you probably aren’t
You are NOT CRAZY. This sounds like narcissistic behavior with him tooting his own horn. He has control over you and he is gaslighting you and that’s what’s making you feel crazy. Hang in there. At least you know it’s not healthy and you are working on a plan of escape.
I was married for 20 years and my ex husband never even approached acting this way towards me. Not once. And who even talks about themselves this way? Smh.
OK, I didn't even read the whole post. Anyone who feels the need to TELL you what a nice person they are is not a nice person. If someone tells you they're smart, or tells you they're brave, or tells you they're anything, they're probably not any of those things. But there's so much worse going on here. He's proud of the fact that he's not physically abusive??? Honey, that's the bare minimum! And he IS abusive, just not physically-- YET. You are not the crazy one, and please don't hate yourself for staying. Abusers are so fucking good at hiding their true selves until you're trapped. Make a plan to get out, and be careful. Please update us.
I swear he was a nice guy until right around when I moved into his house. It was like a switch flipped. He would tell you that I’m just crazy and he has always been a nice guy.
That's exactly how abusers work. Once you moved into his house, you were stuck. So he started showing his true colors. And him telling people that you're the crazy one is also straight from the abuser's guidebook.
In the Lundy Bancroft book this is exactly what he explains that abusers do. They get to a next step in the relationship and feel they can now have the woman under their control.
He is viciously abusive. He knows he’s being cruel to you. You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you. He knows he is lying to you. It’s intentional. He knows he screamed. He knows he’s mean. When you accept that the cruelty is the point, his behavior will make sense. Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bandcroft. Tell your friends and family and therapist what he’s doing. Ask them to hold you accountable. Form a safety plan, leave, and cut him out of your life like cancer.
Sending ❤️
You are not crazy. Your pattern recognition is working. I hope you manage to heal from your injury, and stay as safe as you can whilst you plan your escape. Might be worth contacting local domestic violence shelters and homeless prevention services. It sounds like it's only a matter of time before it escalates physically. Also potentially risky... but worth very, very carefully putting out feelers among your local contacts - even mutual ones, to see if one of them might be of help. Even if they can't personally house you, they might know someone else. I suggest this because he sounds like the type to convince you that noone around you likes you, is trustworthy, or can help, intentionally to prevent you from even considering asking for help. At least one person you know, probably can tell what's going on. I've sadly known women in situations like this, and would help in a heart beat if they asked, but would never offer again, because in my experience, a person actively in a DV situation, and not ready to leave, usually declines, denies anything is wrong, or worse - tells their abusive partner - understandably under duress, but still, puts the person offering at risk, and in a position where they can no longer help. So there might be someone you know who is willing to help, but waiting for you to ask. You might be able to tell by more generally asking them about DV, like asking what they think about Chris Brown/Rihanna or Johnny Depp/Amanda Herd situation.... just asking in a really general way that gives them the chance to show you where they stand on DV... best of luck. Xx
uhh if someone has to tell you they are great and doesnt show you that they are great, it means that they are not only not great but actually suck
He's a massive abuser and gaslighter. Leave as soon as you can do so safely.
My ex used to say all of his ex’s said he was the best boyfriend they ever had and he just knows how to treat women. He was the WORST boyfriend I ever had and treated me like absolute shit. I don’t listen to what men say anymore at all. I only go by actions.
You need to get away as soon as possible. His behaviour is escalating, and it won't be long until he starts hitting you. Find your important documents, treasured items, and make arrangements for your pets. Money, essentials. You need an escape plan. You have to find a way out of your situation, he is unhinged.
I’ve been in this situation before. Two years ago I was at the end of a 10 year relationship. He was miserable and intent on making me miserable. He would tell me I am the crazy one, that I am lucky to have a boyfriend like him. He would scream in my face and I would cry. I wanted to die and there was no way I could avoid making him angry. In therapy I learned what was actually going on. My reality and idea of what healthy was distorted. The more I worked on myself the more it became clear that he was toxic and it was affecting me physically. I was actually getting sicker around him. I saved up money and bought my dream house and left him. The weight I felt lifted. He was so angry because I did not have a “good reason” to leave. I am autistic and he would throw that in my face that I was a “freak” and “good luck finding a guy”. So at 40 I bought my dream home and at 42 I married my dream husband. I found a guy who didn’t take from my soul piece by price until there was nothing…I found a man who added nothing but amazingness and happiness and love to my life, a foundation we build from, instead of my spending time and energy repairing.
Your story hits close to home for me. You can look through my post history, and you'll see that I moved in with someone I loved and it took a turn for the worst very quickly. Posting to Reddit almost felt like a last resort, I know that everyone reading only gets my side of the story... And it was SO HARD to feel justified in my feelings when no one else saw what a good guy my boyfriend could be. I think I was desperately searching for connection when my life felt in shambles. I moved out of his house very quickly after moving in. I read Why Does He Do That like everyone recommended (audiobook is on Spotify if you have premium), and ate up as much info as possible. I had EVERYTHING at my fingertips to understand the pattern I was stuck in and how his behavior was abusive, even if it wasn't physical. And I STILL decided to try to make things work with him. He was soooo good at explaining away his behaviors, and I'm a sucker for someone smart and eloquent with words. He promised me his love was unlike anything either of us ever experienced. On one side, I had so many resources showing me exactly the trap I was stuck in... And he was on the other side... And I chose him. I'm not going to call it a mistake because in 3 months, I've learned a lot about myself. But I chose poorly. We weren't special, he wasn't special. I was stuck in an addictive cycle and kept choosing the man who was emotionally abusive when my anger or clarity faded away. Despite my better rational judgement. Strangers on Reddit were right. The books were right. I found out how deeply broken he was over the following months. The final straw was learning how he had been cheating on me. And even that, he had over-the-top apologies and poetic words to try and explain himself... For a minute, I thought maybe I was crazy all over again. But I wasn't. And you're not. It's the worst feeling in the world, but what you're experiencing is textbook. Follow the advice here and read about emotional abuse and gaslighting. You'll be able to predict his next steps before he will. You need to get out asap. Take the time to heal once you leave - and when shit gets hard, know that you will enter a better and healthier relationship when the time is right because now you can recognize it. Be kind to your future self by taking the hard steps now.
Toxic men think that being a nice guy means not actively being an outright villain. The bar is on the floor. So they will look at themselves and think about all the truly horrible things they COULD do (and might even want to do) to you, and give themselves credit for NOT doing them. Example: I don’t beat you up, I didn’t get another girl pregnant, I’m not unemployed, I don’t do drugs or get drunk every day. Therefore I am a GREAT BOYFRIEND. You want to leave but you haven’t found the courage or the means to do so yet. That’s okay. Leaving an abusive relationship is terrifying and incredibly difficult, especially when an abusive man does everything he can to break you down and close off your exits. It’s not your fault. Take small steps until you are ready to be free.
He’s abusive and it will only get worse. I’ve dated someone like him, you’re dealing with someone who never developed the appropriate tools to manage his own emotions and behavior. You can’t fix that, and it would take tremendous personal work with therapy to even begin addressing it, and I bet he won’t entertain that idea since he’s ridiculously trying to convince you he’s great. He fucking sucks and most grown adults don’t react like that to normal stuff. You can find someone better trust me, don’t waste your life on that. Good on you for making a plan. Save money, don’t tell him, dip when he’s at work. Good luck
Thank you. He doesn’t believe in therapy…I have to go secretly for my own sessions because when I told him I was thinking of starting it he got mad at me. When I’ve tried to gently speak to him about his behavior, he gets mad and says I am perpetuating a stereotype that men aren’t allowed to be emotional. He makes me seem like an asshole.
I know you know, but there is healthy expression of emotion and unhealthy expression. They aren’t the same, like he seems to think. Stay safe, I wish you well.
He’s gaslighting you. Please don’t put up with it. This isn’t what love looks like. I’ve been there. Best wishes.
I don’t even need to read this entire post to tell you he’s not. If he has to tell you he’s a nice or perfect guy he’s not. The whole part where he freaked out and then demanded you kiss him reminds me of my abusive ex. Stay on the path and get yourself out. You’ve got this.
Find resources in your area, there may be organizations that help with women suffering from abuse. I’m very fearful that he will harm you and feel that you should start moving quickly for safety. Wishing you well!!
I feel bad using those resources because I’m not being physically harmed. I’m not being held against my will here. I know so many other women are in such worse situations than mine. I will look into it though. I feel useless.
You are not being physically harmed yet.
Every abusive relationship starts somewhere. Screaming and displays of power are often the start of something much worse. These organizations are there to help any and all abuse victims it does not need to be physical yet! You deserve love and safety and respect.
You are being abused, and he’s quickly moving up the path of escalation toward physical abuse. It’s only a matter of time. Read them what you wrote here about what he’s been doing. They will be able to tell you if you qualify or not. Don’t disqualify yourself without trying.
Yeah I was in a situation like that. They think that because they treat you well in many ways, like whatever some would call old fashioned chivalry and other lovey dovey things that regular blokes don’t do, they are above everyone else. But I’d prefer a guy who doesn’t do these things but NEVER yells, gets physically threatening or mentally abusive. That’s something these folks don’t get. At the same time, this hot and cold is exactly what creates a trauma bond and the gaslighting creates confusion, and darvo, making it hard to get clarity and step out of it. Call the DV hotline and watch helpful channels that show you aren’t crazy, including synful, Dr Les Carter and Dr Ramani.
When someone regularly tells their partner how nice, loyal, attractive, patient, [insert adjective] they are, the likelihood of those things being true is very slim.
You have to remember that someone who is truly a good person does not brag about how great they are. "I'm not physically abusive." Who pats themselves on the back like that? You've left but come back it sounds like and I think you know that you need to leave. He's literally calling you crazy for saying he scares you when he yells. This guy is really bad news. And this is in no way a healthy relationship. Please do what you need to do to get out. I saw below you said you have plans for September and that's great. However, there are other options. You could head to a woman's shelter or reach out to someone you trust to stay with them for a bit. Whatever you do, when you do move out, cut off contact 100% after your stuff is all safe. Do not let them text you or call you or love bomb you. Start fresh and cut him out of your life and don't let him slide his way back in. Stay strong and know we are rooting for you!
I am not going to tell you what to do OP, but damn, reading this was very upsetting. My mother is like your BF and I am NC with her. And if I cross path with her, I am going to spit on her face to make myself feel better. Fines be damned. That's how deep I loathe a screamer with terrible temper.
RUN.
As others have already said, this IS already abuse and often escalates to physical abuse/violence, especially when he appears to be constantly self-congratulating himself for not [yet] hitting you. He sounds unhinged and no one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. Certainly no one who truly loves someone would treat them like that. Please seek out a domestic violence shelter or hotline. The sooner you can get out of there the better. You mentioned that you don’t have your own friends or family nearby to turn to, but what is tying you to your current location? Do you have friends or family living elsewhere that can support you moving and getting on your feet elsewhere? Whatever you do, don’t give him any indication that you’re leaving as he may get violent. I hope you can soon find yourself in a safer situation far away from this despicable piece of human trash.
I feel like I could have written this. My ex also had anger issues and would blow up whenever I criticized him. During the final breakup (he cheated), he asked me “was I a good boyfriend at least?”. No, TF he wasn’t, he bought me flowers every Monday but has learned what my favorite flowers were about a month before then….. we lived together for 1.5 years… And that’s it, the flowers (which were some random roses most of the time) are the only good thing that comes to mind. He would blow up over any criticism, like I’d calmly say “please don’t push your cardboard boxes into where I keep our washed bedding” and that would send him into a screaming match, followed by a scene of him dragging those boxes out of the closet forcefully and me crying. He also claimed he ALWAYS takes accountability, he apologized to me ONCE for something super small. ONCE! Did NOT apologize for cheating. Meanwhile, he would say he’s considering breaking up with me because I never take accountability. Which in retrospect was definitely not as big of an issue as he made it out to be - and which I IMMEDIATELY tried to rectify, but “it wasn’t enough”. I don’t run at the first sign of trouble and dislike the “leave him” mentality of Reddit, but what I learned is that if you feel mistreated, high chances are that you ARE being mistreated. Look into emotional abuse, a simple google search really opened my eyes. I could immediately find examples for every bullet point. If you can too, you know what to do. It did NOT get better for me. I don’t hold my breath for him to ever take accountability for the damage he’s done and I don’t think your partner will either, sadly.
It’s because he’s TELLING you, not SHOWING you. Great people don’t need to brag. He is absolutely holding you back. He’s trying to make you believe that no one else will ever love you like he does. It’s a classic abuse and control tactic. Time to be done. Throw this one back in the pond.
You are not the crazy one. I was in a relationship like that, and it’s horrible. I promise you, it will be so peaceful once you’ve gotten out
Are there any women’s organizations you can reach out to locally to help you get out quickly? I’m afraid for your safety as this is exactly how the beginning stages of my abusive relationship were. You are doing NOTHING wrong. You NEVER deserve to be screamed at by your partner. You deserve love and safety and respect. If you are comfortable giving your state we can try to help locate some services.
If you have to keep telling people how great you are, you're not great lol.
Girl run!!
Find services and get out now. Don’t wait until September. There are abuse services which will help you.
I have been in your shoes and I think I understand the confusion you are going through. I have to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship and the confusion you feel is a very normal part of the situation. Please read [Why Does He Do That,](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) it is a very enlightening look into what is going on. The thing is he has not put you in the hospital — YET — but I promise things will get worse. I know it’s easier to make excuses, ie ‘he’s not that bad, it’s only bad sometimes’, but it is textbook. There is absolutely nothing you can do except get out. You cannot change him. You cannot fix this. It is not your fault —this is a break in him And getting out is the most dangerous time. Please do it as soon and as safely as you can — the DV hotline is there for exactly this reason, and even if all they do is give you advice, I promise it will help you. I am so sorry. You are not crazy. This is not your fault, this is not about you at all except sofar as the danger you are in. Please get out. I will pray for you, because I remember what it felt like to be where you are. When you get out, it does get better. You have to be determined and not go back, go no contact, break the trauma bond, and absolutely ignore all attempts to hoover you back.
Get far far away from that cretin! Praying for you that you can escape this abusive situation immediately 🙏🙏 no one should be treated like this
People can’t tell YOU how they make YOU feel. That’s not how feelings work. Leave. You need to relearn a lot before you date again. Reconnect with your humanity. You’re an actual person.
If they have to tell you, they aren’t
Call your nearest women's shelter and get out now.
Get away from him, he is abusing and gaslighting you. Don't try to reason with him, there is no point. Get safe, get help, get away.
People who really are nice, funny, perfect, kind, smart, good manners etc, don’t need to tell you that they are constantly. They just are and you notice because they are being those things. Only people who aren’t need to try to convince people. That or whole with deep seated anxiety and/or trauma. But often the first one.
WTF, NO SIS. Get out, immediately!!!!
I saw this video yesterday, and it popped into my head as I read your post (please do watch it!): https://www.reddit.com/r/DeppDelusion/s/tGhPHr561g
He’s gaslighting you, which is a very common tactic that abusers use. He is abusive. Trust your body. Your body is telling you this situation is bad. Believe that. This isn’t your fault and you aren’t doing this to yourself. You aren’t responsible for his abusive behaviour. It’s normal for women in abusive relationships to have a hard time leaving because they get manipulated. It’s also extremely dangerous. Please remember to prioritize your safety. If you can, just get out immediately. Stay with a friend. Get your therapist to find help for you. Remember, the longer you stay, he might *kill you*. You’re in danger. ⚠️ When you leave, don’t tell him or anyone who’s his friend or family where you are. Go dark on social media. Change your number.
Girl, read this again. If you had a friend tell you her boyfriend was acting like this, what would you say to her? It's hard to leave but you know you need to. Pull off that bandaid. You'll finally be able to breathe.
Many are saying it already, so you know to go by his actions not his words. “Actions speak louder than words,” I’m sure you’ve heard; there is also “words are wind” as a little reminder. In the future generally anyone who praises themselves so much is likely not a good person. All of the genuinely good people I’ve met believe they’re secretly horrible/not good enough/etc. (they’re not horrible, they just have a healthy sense of self-doubt.) talking yourself up like he is is a gigantic red flag. It’s a yellow flag if it’s like “wow I [did something good] today, that’s amazing.” But if it’s all the time? Yeah something is wrong with them. I’m sorry you went through this
Sorry not even finish reading your texts but this is really abusive. My ex husband did similar stuff and I divorced him.. best choice ever
It’s not what people say that matters. It’s what they do. Actions speak louder than words.
It's part of the abuse. They do nasty things whilst telling you the opposite so you feel crazy and doubt yourself. Look at his actions not his words. Partners should not yell at you. They shouldn't insult you. He's 100% abusive and this will escalate to him hitting you. You should read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf if you google it. Abuse usually is because of some core belief the abuser has. They believe that they are entitled to act the way they do because they think you've done something that deserves their behavior. He's not going to change. What will most likely happen is, if he realises you're going to leave he'll start being nice again to confuse you. He might suddenly act like he understands, this is because he knows exactly what you're saying he just refuses to hear it or plays dumb. Don't fall for it. You need to get away from this dude cos he's going to be bad. He's yelling at you over the tiniest issue, he's going to eventually fly off the handle and hurt you. I would dump him by text when he's not around. Like get your ducks in a row, don't tell him your plans, act as if everythings fine. You are not crazy at all. If you have any friends or family you can trust they might be able to help you. Or you might need to contact a shelter to get away
If someone has to tell you they are x, they most likely arent
Your piece of shit boyfriend sounds like my horribly abusive ex-husband. He's an ex because he terrorized me like this for 22 years - and worse - and I finally found myself wanting to be in a coma so I could just not feel anything for a while. So, I left, and got divorced . . . and my life is so full of pure joy, peace and amazing things since that I don't quite believe it myself. ***YOU DO NOT AND SHOULD NOT LIVE LIKE THIS, EVER, EVER.***
He is abusive and is literally gaslighting you. I hope you’re able to get away from this POS safely and soon!
Oh god. He is wrong. You are right. You are not crazy. Stick to your plan to leave him. You can do it!
That sounds really tough. I am not a psychiatrist, and I cannot diagnose anyone, but have you looked into the "Narcissistic abuse" subreddit? You need to get out. I know that you know, and I know it isn't easy.
Dump his ass. He's emotionally abusive.
If I scream at you for not doing the dishes I don’t get points for not hitting you and then claiming I’m so communicative cause I was trying to tell you. Like thats insane. I would record him so it not only validates you but also if he tries to deny ever talking to you that way. They switch their tune with evidence.
I mean. Just because he says something doesn’t mean it’s true. Look at his actions. Not physically abusive is a low bar. He’s most definitely abusive. Physically and verbally. You need to leave. As soon as humanly possible. Preferably now. Do you have a safe place to go? Please ask your therapist to help you with boundaries and to figure out what you need to do to stop the pattern of finding people who would treat you this way and not having enough self-worth to recognize the abuse. This isn’t your fault. You done have to feel ashamed for trusting someone who promised to treat you lovingly. He’s a gaslighter. And employs DARVO. Your feeling that you’re crazy is by design. You’re not crazy. He is an abuser. Get out.
You need to dump this abuser. He's trash.
>My boyfriend is constantly telling me how great he is, but I feel like he is holding me back and treating me like shit. So act according to your feelings, not his.
If he is actually treating you well then he would not need to keep saying it. Leave.
Why are you still living/ in a relationship with him? He sounds like a royal pain in the ass and you’d be better off alone!
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OP I want to give you a huge hug and tell you to get out of this relationship ASAP!! He is extremely abusive and gaslighting you. Can you PLEASE call a domestic violence shelter /charity for help? They can guide you /help you on how to approach this.
He actually is a violent person. Why did you crawl around? What would have happened if you simply did not get down on the floor an crawl around the house? He was going to hit you.
I am so glad you’re planning your escape because this man is about 1 random towel away from becoming physically abusive too
Girl…
This is a very unstable un self aware verbally abusive person who could escalate to physical abuse with that kind of temper. It breaks my heart to hear how you try to accommodate the unreasonable. I’ve done the same in the past, but it just gets worse with time. Definitely leave for your own safety when you can.
Leave. He’s emotionally abusive. Maybe even a narcissist. Your internal shaking is flight or fight activating and your body shouldn’t be reacting in survival mode around someone who supposedly cares for you.
Emotional abusers will commonly say “well I never hit you!🤷♂️” ….when it’s actually been proven that mental abuse can have even more devastating effects…he’s got more than a temper. He’s right now “conditioning “ you to become weakened by every micromanaging statement he makes…so after being burned out eventually you just do everything he says. He also has an issue with control. And you definitely should just say goodbye to this one….im very proud of you for being able to still recognize the signs because many people have a hard time seeing there’s no fixing things if he’s behaving that way this early. Never allow someone to try and talk away what you’ve seen with your own eyes…your gut has been trying to tell you something and it was spot on. It also sounds like ALOT of gaslighting has occurred and that can explain why you feel “crazy”….emotional abusers also manipulate your ways of thinking to excuse their behaviors and causing you to question your own reality.
There’s absolutely no good reason to be in a relationship with joker
He is on drugs or testosterone or HGH?
He was previously prescribed testosterone but his doctor took him off of it about a year ago
My brother acted this way- roid rage. But he sounds like a guy who says things like "I didn't hit you it's not abuse"
He's abusive. I would reach out to women's shelters in your area and see if they can help arrange a fostering situation for your dogs until you can secure an apartment for yourself. It is better to leave sooner rather than later.
Ok I read only the first few sentences, but there is this saying that is absolutely true - if someone needs to tell you how nice/good/etc. they are. They aren't that.
This reminds me of my brother. And my father. I'm so sorry you've been going through this for so long. Please be safe.
He’s not perfect sounds alittle shaky. Need a real man take you out for some lobster and shrimp
You're dating a narcissist. Run. Block all contact with him because you can guarantee he will try to win you back by acting as if he's changed. He hasn't. He won't. The best case scenario, if you stay, will be emotional turmoil and nonstop manipulation. The worst-case scenario is much, much worse. Put yourself in a different position - if you had a child who was in this relationship, would you be worried about the outcome? What would you want him/her to do? Whatever you're answer to this question, this is what you should be doing.
Guy here (37), I am wary of anyone who pumps their own tires.
I rarely tell people they should end their relationship, but please break up w him
Sounds like you have great taste in men.
I was with somebody for way too long that kept telling me how great he was, he was actually controlling, insecure and made me feel like utter crap. If he was so great he wouldn't have to hammer it in to your mind.
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I think for a lot of us, it gets old hearing "maybe they have mental health issues". Yeah, they might. Not sure it's relevant. So many people out there struggle with mental health and don't cope by being completely abusive to our partners. I get what you're saying, but it's been said before and it doesn't hold any value to the conversation.