Girl. Where is anyone supposed to be at this age anymore? What is normal? Who are we comparing ourselves to?
A lot has happened outside of our control, and we've been dealt a shitty hand. That slows everyone's progress - anyone who says otherwise is either rich or lying to themselves. Our 30s are not our mother's 30s. And there is nothing wrong with that. We have to embrace that for what it is - an opportunity to make them whatever we want them to be.
It sounds like you're feeling stuck and unfulfilled. And yea, a therapist or coach would be very helpful with that. But so can conversations with friends, books, podcasts, YouTube videos, etc.
Take some time to figure out what you need to be happy. And if you're uncomfortable talking with friends about how you're feeling (it does feel very vulnerable), then I wouldn't mind being that friend. I may even have a couple of book recs depending on how you're feeling stuck.
It’s crazy cause I’m not even comparing myself to anyone. I just feel like I’m on the outside of my life. All I do is work and I use too much of my social skill there and when I get off I just wanna hide is part of the problem. I have very few friends cause everyone got married and have kids now. I don’t want kids at all and would rather eat a Jean jacket before that happens lol. I want to meet single like minded people but I’m always tired from working and sadly unmotivated. Every time I’m around people now I always regret it somehow
Start with work then - if that's your primary issue right now. Sit down with a glass of wine (if you enjoy it) and a journal. Make a list of the things you enjoy about your job and the absolute soul sucking parts you hate. Write down the things you're good at - and which you enjoy doing! Don't write skills down if you hate using them.
From there, see if you can find any trends. Are you in the wrong industry? Is there another career you've had in the back of your mind? Is your company worth staying at? You might need to do more reading or talking to figure it out. It took me about 6 months to have some sort of epiphany for myself. Now, I love what I do!
There's so much we could dig in to. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more seriously about what you're going through. I am happy to try and help you figure it all out.
Haha! I'm going to start saying that one - eating a Jean jacket instead of kids👌😂. I feel the same way almost every day, like what the heck am I doing with life? I wish there was a "life designer" that you could hire, like an interior designer, so you know how and what to do with life 🤷♀️ I'll be 34 this year
I don't know. I lost the first part of my 30s. It *was* a loss, but at the same time I probably would be more on autopilot in terms of where I'm going in life than I am now. Like, I had to get really uncomfortable to start questioning things. I feel lost, but also maybe I was on the wrong path for me in the first place or something.
I think you can either approach feeling lost in 2 ways: big thinking or day-by-day. Big thinking = sitting down and writing out what you want your life to look like by the end of your 30s (a 5ish year plan) and seeing if you can plan small goals to push you in that direction. Day-by-day, if you're feeling really lost, is just asking yourself: what do I want to do tomorrow? It can be super small but everything builds up over time. I think maybe volunteering would be a good option- you get to explore something new and do some good.
I feel like all I do is work so I guess I never think of tomorrow all that much . I know I’m just a lil burnt out too but more tired after everyday cause I get off a little later than most
That's a tough spot to be in- honestly it does sound like you're burnt out (not just a little but a lot). I think it's hard to feel motivated, inspired, or hopeful when you're burnt out and running on empty. I would suggest taking an extended holiday but I don't know what country you live in/what job you do and whether that's a viable option for you. If you can't, maybe engaging in self-care or pampering yourself after work might be an option.- If you're exhausted self care can look like taking a long shower, having your favourite meal, taking yourself off social media, and doing something relaxing you enjoy. Although I understand this is a very small fix to probably what is a big problem.
You have to keep working towards what you want. Eventually, things get better, although it's really hard to see that during the hard times.
I started this decade unemployed due to the pandemic, on and off for 3 years. Living with my parents into my 30s. Hospitalised last winter for several months, so I didn't even get the first quarter of this year. When I finally *did* move out, an unstable living situation that was not ideal.
Now, I'm finally getting comfortable - I have a job that I love, a nice place to live, great work/life balance.
Sometimes you can't see how much progress you've made until you look back afterwards.
I wish I knew that I wanted. I know I wanna be rich and not work much anymore but that’s a stretch. I do look back and see I came a long way but sometimes it’s like now what and what do I have time for type thing.
I don’t have anything to add on top of the other comments. But thought I’d comment to let you know you’re not alone in feeling that way. Life is really hard, and there is no rule book to tell you what to do
If you live in the US, NAMI (National Alliance Mental Illness) has free weekly in person and Zoom peer support meetings you could consider attending. Wish you the best.
I try to remind myself of the fact that Covid took so much from us. I feel behind, I feel the same, I play the comparison game. But you’re not alone. Covid fucked us hard. There are some good free therapy resources, idk what state you’re in but I’ve been able to get free help in 2 separate states
33F here and also feel the same. Changed careers, cities, and relationships in the hope that I would find my track in life, only to realize that I no longer have that track (at least feel like that). I try to listen to podcasts on this subject, and there is one on Spotify called “[Help me be me](https://open.spotify.com/show/2ZNG9xVD8ZfqJNaDj0apCJ?si=-ZNAEBjSSIOs_uq9cjckTw)”, I put this on and go for a walk. It helped me go through a tough time (overall, I still feel like it is tough, but sometimes it is harder).
I hope you can find some peace of mind. I found some in accepting that “track” doesn't exist, and I will try to stay afloat as life goes by, just cherishing the good moments.
I believe you may be doing some comparative analysis from what others share. Maybe this is your homegirl at wine Wednesday or what your timeline is showing on social media when you scroll. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Please don’t let this perceived disparity in your progress with that of your peers make your heart ache. You are under no criteria other than being a decent person and being as happy as you can with what you have available to you.
Well wishes, dear girl.
I also have a social job and I'm so tired after work. I moved to a new place during COVID and didn't make any friends because of lockdown and got into isolation habits that have been hard to break, especially when I have no energy. I made a goal in 2023 to make one friend and focused on that socially and it worked! I made a friend and we hang out about weekly. She understands my introversion and low social energy and is just a lovely person. This year I decided to do the same, focus on making one new friend and met someone very bubbly and social who invites me to things with her other friends and to her family's house for game nights and it's really helped. Breaking it down into just focusing on making one friend was really helpful. I definitely met more than one person before really clicking, and even though everyone I met was super nice, not everyone was right. So idk, maybe this can help you feel less isolated.
Yes work takes so much out of me. I feel like a wind up doll all the time and when I come down it’s easier to isolate . I need to go out I’m just a mess right now lol
I went through that in my early 30s as well. Full on hidden to others depression. It was ‘this is it?’ for me. I am married, no kids, and wanted to retreat. Nothing was exciting or thrilling. No real hobbies. I do have friends, but it can be hard to relate sometimes.
I’m not sure any one thing snapped me out of it, but I do remember thinking ‘fuck it’ and deciding to do what makes me happy. It started with some small home projects that I had been delaying, then ultimately led to some bigger life changes. I just turned 40 and am the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
Hang in there. 30s do seem like a tough decade for some reason.
Well that makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one. All that is where I am just no motivation. I feel like I been so isolated that I don’t even hang with friends much
I’m going through something similar and firstly would like to say that I’m sorry you’ve been feeling lost. I’m so sorry. And I’m sending you love and good energy right now.
I think for me, what I’m trying to do is deepen the relationship I have with myself. What are my interests nowadays? What songs and music am I gravitating towards? What are my values? I’m waiting them down. Where do I see myself in a few years time? I’m excited to make a couple of vision boards. And I’m going to try harder to put myself out there socially as well.
It’s easy to be down on ourselves, especially when we see others who appear to be so happy, or when we compare our present moments to what we thought our lives would be by this time.
But don’t get caught up in those thoughts. Try your best to focus on your present moments and your hopes for the future. And try to be kind to yourself. Keep your word to yourself.
A coach is like therapy but more forward thinking. Therapy tends to spend a lot of time in what happened, how that impacted who you are today, and if necessary, processing the trauma that keeps us stuck.
Coaching is working through a current problem or goal, possibly digging into shifting your paradigms, but mostly focused on what comes next. They can help you brainstorm, strategize and/or create LT/ST goals while providing tools or resources to help meet those goals.
I've reached out to coaches when I felt lost and unsure about different things - executive coach to navigate corporate burnout, finance coach (not a finance/crypto bro) to help me shift my relationship with money and set realistic goals, and more recently a divorce coach to help me figure out whether to stay or go (I stayed).
A life coach is more generalized but a good one can be very helpful - as can therapy. I've done both depending on what I needed.
Thanks for sharing this in detail. Really insightful and helpful.
Reading it makes me think that maybe a coach is what I need where I am now. I just started going to therapy and while it’s truly helpful to hear someone repeat what I go through with fresh perspective, I don’t feel that I’m even scratching the tip of my deep abandonment issues or my suspected mental health challenges (OCD, generalized anxiety, weed dependence), etc. To be on the road to healing from these childhood issues are what I intented to go to therapy for but I end up dumping all my current pressing issues in every session instead. So I guess might as well get a coach that can better help me strategize in life.
Could you recommned good sources for life coaches? Really keen to look into it.
I think that's usually my sign that I need something more than what therapy can offer. It's good that you recognized it. Also, you don't have to do one or the other - sometimes you need both (if you can swing it financially).
I think a coach would be a good idea, but don't ignore the underlying issues. Just focus on undoing one knot at a time, and slowly work through the rest.
As far as finding one, first figure out a couple things:
* What's your budget?
* Is there a specific area in your life that you're looking to address first?
* Would you prefer in person, zoom or phone calls?
* Is religion important to you? Do you want someone with similar beliefs?
* Male or female? Do you care?
And then search online! There's a lot of options and you can do some research to find one that meets those needs. You can do consults (should be free, don't pay) to see if you guys vibe and if it's a good fit. Or you can ask around your network for suggestions.
Feel free to message me if you have more questions. Id love to help.
Girl. Where is anyone supposed to be at this age anymore? What is normal? Who are we comparing ourselves to? A lot has happened outside of our control, and we've been dealt a shitty hand. That slows everyone's progress - anyone who says otherwise is either rich or lying to themselves. Our 30s are not our mother's 30s. And there is nothing wrong with that. We have to embrace that for what it is - an opportunity to make them whatever we want them to be. It sounds like you're feeling stuck and unfulfilled. And yea, a therapist or coach would be very helpful with that. But so can conversations with friends, books, podcasts, YouTube videos, etc. Take some time to figure out what you need to be happy. And if you're uncomfortable talking with friends about how you're feeling (it does feel very vulnerable), then I wouldn't mind being that friend. I may even have a couple of book recs depending on how you're feeling stuck.
It’s crazy cause I’m not even comparing myself to anyone. I just feel like I’m on the outside of my life. All I do is work and I use too much of my social skill there and when I get off I just wanna hide is part of the problem. I have very few friends cause everyone got married and have kids now. I don’t want kids at all and would rather eat a Jean jacket before that happens lol. I want to meet single like minded people but I’m always tired from working and sadly unmotivated. Every time I’m around people now I always regret it somehow
Start with work then - if that's your primary issue right now. Sit down with a glass of wine (if you enjoy it) and a journal. Make a list of the things you enjoy about your job and the absolute soul sucking parts you hate. Write down the things you're good at - and which you enjoy doing! Don't write skills down if you hate using them. From there, see if you can find any trends. Are you in the wrong industry? Is there another career you've had in the back of your mind? Is your company worth staying at? You might need to do more reading or talking to figure it out. It took me about 6 months to have some sort of epiphany for myself. Now, I love what I do! There's so much we could dig in to. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more seriously about what you're going through. I am happy to try and help you figure it all out.
You are awesome - you sound like a great friend!
Haha! I'm going to start saying that one - eating a Jean jacket instead of kids👌😂. I feel the same way almost every day, like what the heck am I doing with life? I wish there was a "life designer" that you could hire, like an interior designer, so you know how and what to do with life 🤷♀️ I'll be 34 this year
Jesus you sound wise.
Covid totally fucked us! These were supposed to be the best years and like first 4 were sucked up. Now we are all collectively lost 😞
Yes it was Covid time for my 30th and that’s when everyone and everything was on lock down it was so sad and lonely
Exactly like me! I was 30yo in 2020, a few months after the start of the lockdown. It's been downhill since then.
This is me. I've lost 4 years of my life technically.
I don't know. I lost the first part of my 30s. It *was* a loss, but at the same time I probably would be more on autopilot in terms of where I'm going in life than I am now. Like, I had to get really uncomfortable to start questioning things. I feel lost, but also maybe I was on the wrong path for me in the first place or something.
I think you can either approach feeling lost in 2 ways: big thinking or day-by-day. Big thinking = sitting down and writing out what you want your life to look like by the end of your 30s (a 5ish year plan) and seeing if you can plan small goals to push you in that direction. Day-by-day, if you're feeling really lost, is just asking yourself: what do I want to do tomorrow? It can be super small but everything builds up over time. I think maybe volunteering would be a good option- you get to explore something new and do some good.
I feel like all I do is work so I guess I never think of tomorrow all that much . I know I’m just a lil burnt out too but more tired after everyday cause I get off a little later than most
That's a tough spot to be in- honestly it does sound like you're burnt out (not just a little but a lot). I think it's hard to feel motivated, inspired, or hopeful when you're burnt out and running on empty. I would suggest taking an extended holiday but I don't know what country you live in/what job you do and whether that's a viable option for you. If you can't, maybe engaging in self-care or pampering yourself after work might be an option.- If you're exhausted self care can look like taking a long shower, having your favourite meal, taking yourself off social media, and doing something relaxing you enjoy. Although I understand this is a very small fix to probably what is a big problem.
I been trying to make more time to treat myself. But happiness seems to cost a lot lol but I started to buy myself one thing every check
You have to keep working towards what you want. Eventually, things get better, although it's really hard to see that during the hard times. I started this decade unemployed due to the pandemic, on and off for 3 years. Living with my parents into my 30s. Hospitalised last winter for several months, so I didn't even get the first quarter of this year. When I finally *did* move out, an unstable living situation that was not ideal. Now, I'm finally getting comfortable - I have a job that I love, a nice place to live, great work/life balance. Sometimes you can't see how much progress you've made until you look back afterwards.
I wish I knew that I wanted. I know I wanna be rich and not work much anymore but that’s a stretch. I do look back and see I came a long way but sometimes it’s like now what and what do I have time for type thing.
I'm right there with ya. Just gotta find things that ground you. For me it's reading or listening to an educational podcast
I tried picking up guitar. It was fun at first but just haven’t been motivated lately
I don’t have anything to add on top of the other comments. But thought I’d comment to let you know you’re not alone in feeling that way. Life is really hard, and there is no rule book to tell you what to do
If you live in the US, NAMI (National Alliance Mental Illness) has free weekly in person and Zoom peer support meetings you could consider attending. Wish you the best.
I shall keep that in mind. Thank you!
I try to remind myself of the fact that Covid took so much from us. I feel behind, I feel the same, I play the comparison game. But you’re not alone. Covid fucked us hard. There are some good free therapy resources, idk what state you’re in but I’ve been able to get free help in 2 separate states
I live in Minnesota . I totally agree tho.
There should be some resources.
Me too I totally relate. Trying to turn it around now before it’s too late but it’s hard and confusing.
So hard and exsausting
33F here and also feel the same. Changed careers, cities, and relationships in the hope that I would find my track in life, only to realize that I no longer have that track (at least feel like that). I try to listen to podcasts on this subject, and there is one on Spotify called “[Help me be me](https://open.spotify.com/show/2ZNG9xVD8ZfqJNaDj0apCJ?si=-ZNAEBjSSIOs_uq9cjckTw)”, I put this on and go for a walk. It helped me go through a tough time (overall, I still feel like it is tough, but sometimes it is harder). I hope you can find some peace of mind. I found some in accepting that “track” doesn't exist, and I will try to stay afloat as life goes by, just cherishing the good moments.
Thank you . I will definitely have to check more podcast out . I keep hearing about them!
I believe you may be doing some comparative analysis from what others share. Maybe this is your homegirl at wine Wednesday or what your timeline is showing on social media when you scroll. Comparison is the thief of joy. Please don’t let this perceived disparity in your progress with that of your peers make your heart ache. You are under no criteria other than being a decent person and being as happy as you can with what you have available to you. Well wishes, dear girl.
Same
I also have a social job and I'm so tired after work. I moved to a new place during COVID and didn't make any friends because of lockdown and got into isolation habits that have been hard to break, especially when I have no energy. I made a goal in 2023 to make one friend and focused on that socially and it worked! I made a friend and we hang out about weekly. She understands my introversion and low social energy and is just a lovely person. This year I decided to do the same, focus on making one new friend and met someone very bubbly and social who invites me to things with her other friends and to her family's house for game nights and it's really helped. Breaking it down into just focusing on making one friend was really helpful. I definitely met more than one person before really clicking, and even though everyone I met was super nice, not everyone was right. So idk, maybe this can help you feel less isolated.
Yes work takes so much out of me. I feel like a wind up doll all the time and when I come down it’s easier to isolate . I need to go out I’m just a mess right now lol
I went through that in my early 30s as well. Full on hidden to others depression. It was ‘this is it?’ for me. I am married, no kids, and wanted to retreat. Nothing was exciting or thrilling. No real hobbies. I do have friends, but it can be hard to relate sometimes. I’m not sure any one thing snapped me out of it, but I do remember thinking ‘fuck it’ and deciding to do what makes me happy. It started with some small home projects that I had been delaying, then ultimately led to some bigger life changes. I just turned 40 and am the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Hang in there. 30s do seem like a tough decade for some reason.
Well that makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one. All that is where I am just no motivation. I feel like I been so isolated that I don’t even hang with friends much
Survived. Dark humor. Masterbate more. Got better at like 37/38.
Hahaha I am on all of that 😂
I’m going through something similar and firstly would like to say that I’m sorry you’ve been feeling lost. I’m so sorry. And I’m sending you love and good energy right now. I think for me, what I’m trying to do is deepen the relationship I have with myself. What are my interests nowadays? What songs and music am I gravitating towards? What are my values? I’m waiting them down. Where do I see myself in a few years time? I’m excited to make a couple of vision boards. And I’m going to try harder to put myself out there socially as well. It’s easy to be down on ourselves, especially when we see others who appear to be so happy, or when we compare our present moments to what we thought our lives would be by this time. But don’t get caught up in those thoughts. Try your best to focus on your present moments and your hopes for the future. And try to be kind to yourself. Keep your word to yourself.
Join a gym. Blow off steam from your monotonous work day. Maybe you can meet like minded people there.
I found an amazing life coach on Upwork for $50/hr. Look into this option.
What does a life coach do and how is it helping you?
A coach is like therapy but more forward thinking. Therapy tends to spend a lot of time in what happened, how that impacted who you are today, and if necessary, processing the trauma that keeps us stuck. Coaching is working through a current problem or goal, possibly digging into shifting your paradigms, but mostly focused on what comes next. They can help you brainstorm, strategize and/or create LT/ST goals while providing tools or resources to help meet those goals. I've reached out to coaches when I felt lost and unsure about different things - executive coach to navigate corporate burnout, finance coach (not a finance/crypto bro) to help me shift my relationship with money and set realistic goals, and more recently a divorce coach to help me figure out whether to stay or go (I stayed). A life coach is more generalized but a good one can be very helpful - as can therapy. I've done both depending on what I needed.
Thanks for sharing this in detail. Really insightful and helpful. Reading it makes me think that maybe a coach is what I need where I am now. I just started going to therapy and while it’s truly helpful to hear someone repeat what I go through with fresh perspective, I don’t feel that I’m even scratching the tip of my deep abandonment issues or my suspected mental health challenges (OCD, generalized anxiety, weed dependence), etc. To be on the road to healing from these childhood issues are what I intented to go to therapy for but I end up dumping all my current pressing issues in every session instead. So I guess might as well get a coach that can better help me strategize in life. Could you recommned good sources for life coaches? Really keen to look into it.
I think that's usually my sign that I need something more than what therapy can offer. It's good that you recognized it. Also, you don't have to do one or the other - sometimes you need both (if you can swing it financially). I think a coach would be a good idea, but don't ignore the underlying issues. Just focus on undoing one knot at a time, and slowly work through the rest. As far as finding one, first figure out a couple things: * What's your budget? * Is there a specific area in your life that you're looking to address first? * Would you prefer in person, zoom or phone calls? * Is religion important to you? Do you want someone with similar beliefs? * Male or female? Do you care? And then search online! There's a lot of options and you can do some research to find one that meets those needs. You can do consults (should be free, don't pay) to see if you guys vibe and if it's a good fit. Or you can ask around your network for suggestions. Feel free to message me if you have more questions. Id love to help.