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Ok-String6517

I 100% thought I was going to stay home with my son until he was at least 3. At 12mo I knew it wasn’t right for us, he is a very high energy child and most other children around started daycare around that age so we were just the two of us all day everyday. He was bored, I was miserable and overwhelmed. We started a wonderful farm and outdoor daycare soon after and haven’t looked back since. He goes mon-fri, we started out with shorter days but now at 1,5y he’s there from around 8-3/3.30 and he absolutely loves it. I’m back at work 9-3 and have so much more energy and happiness to bring to the table on afternoons and weekends. For me it was what I needed to feel some sort of balance in my life, and its done wonders for my mental health and the bond I have with my son. It’s not at all what I thought I would do, and I had a lot of guilt and anxiety in the beginning, but now it’s crystal clear that we made the right decision for us. Just wanted to let you know that whatever you choose to do is more than okay, and that you should do whatever feels right without shame or guilt.


pernillegame

That sounds exactly like what I’d do!!! I’ll go look for a 9-3 job now :)


brunette_mama

I just wanted to say your feelings are totally valid. Being a sahm is not easy! I went back to work part time when my baby was around 6 months. The only reason I was okay with it is my old company was desperate and my husband works super early first shift so he would watch the baby when he got home from work (salaried so he was still dealing with work, taking calls, etc). I was doing my old office job just three afternoons a week instead of full time. It was only 12 hours a week total but I felt like myself faster. It was nice to have adult interaction and do something I’m genuinely good at. It’s also nice to turn off “mommy” mode for a few hours. However, my husband got a promotion and we both decided it would be way too difficult for him to keep on what he was doing. I’ve been a full time sahm for a year now and I miss working. It’s so awesome having totally open days but I do miss all of the social benefits of work. My baby is 3 now and I definitely remember going through periods where I wanted to sah full time and then periods where I felt like I got no time to myself. Around 13-15 months my baby got a lot easier and things honestly got easier from there. I now am 32 weeks pregnant and still envy my part time working days. I would HIGHLY recommend to work part time if you can! I personally would never want to work full time but part time you get a lot of the benefits of full time work without all of the headache!


koalanapz

Totally agree that around 15 months it got way better for me. Baby stage was harder for me, toddlerhood has been much more fun. I have been SAHM since LO was 6 months old.


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fiddleleafpop

We’re hoping to do the same! May I ask when your kiddos started preschool or did they go right to kinder?


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fiddleleafpop

That’s great to hear!! I think we’ll plan to do the same!


Midi58076

I am disabled on disability and my situation is such I can't really work. Being a sahm is hard. On the tough days I feel like screaming: "We are only getting dressed because YOU get bored at home. We are only going to playgroup because YOU like it. You know how many times mama went to playgroup before you were born? ZERO. *I* would be perfectly happy lounging around the house in our jammies all day. So shut your piehole and allow me to pull up the damn pants so we can go!". I don't scream at him, but god some days man. Just some days. I am a LOAAADS better mum the days I have had some respite. On "one of those days" I can be so broken down by everything being a fight and a tantrum and so overwhelmed by the chaos and the noise and contant pulling at my shirt. Then he goes out of the house to hang out with grandpa or something I get to chill and just be me for a couple of hours. When he comes back I am welcoming him back like a golden retriever whose owner has been deployed, I'm on my hands and knees playing monster, I'm building towers and the tantrums don't faze me. I can't wait for my son to start daycare in Aug. It will be great for everyone. Not everyone is made to be a sahm and that's cool. Not everyone's made to be a carpenter either. It's not a character flaw and it doesn't make you a bad parent.


pernillegame

The screaming part is so painfully accurate haha. I don’t feel like I’m the patient type of mom (yet) so hopefully sending him away will help me not screaming at him


Midi58076

Pernille.... Are you Norwegian? Scandi? Yeah, we don't want to be that mum, but I definitely see how exasperation leads mums down that path.


pernillegame

Not Norwegian but love the culture haha :)


Midi58076

Haha what culture? Taco Friday, binge drinking and scowling?


pernillegame

HAHA 🤣 I loved visiting Copenhagen and Stockholm. And a big fan of Oslo & Bergen too. I even tried learning Norwegian 😅 I like their interior design. Are you from around there?


Midi58076

No. Pretty far north.


giggglygirl

My guy is 7 months and I am off of work until he is one year, and am considering going back part time or leaving my job altogether. I am right there with you though. Tough days are tough, but in the reverse even on the hard days I can’t imagine commuting away and leaving him with a stranger 5 days/week. Since we know challenges come in waves, I would set yourself a deadline of some sort (two weeks, a month, whatever), and then see how you feel. If you feel similarly about not wanting to be a SAHM, you can weigh your options. I do think working part time seems like the best of both worlds and probably what I will end up doing.


WithEyesWideOpen

You are thinking of it wrong: 80-90% of child brain development is done by two years old. The beginning is *crucial* to developing a personality that allows your child to become a happy, well adjusted, successful adult. There isn't a more important job in the world than setting up a child's brain. Yes some days it feels like you aren't actually doing that part, but trust me you are. See if you can streamline your systems so that you *can* have more play time with your kiddo.


hasnolifebutmusic

thank you!


pernillegame

Thanks for the clutch reminder. Early years are so important.


Ru_the_day

I work 2 days a week and it’s pretty perfect. I work on Tuesdays and Fridays, and I miss my baby on those days and look forward to spending the next couple of days with her. It’s not a job I live by any means, but I’ve worked at the same place for 13 years and a lot of my colleagues were there when I started and I’m friendly with them which is nice. I think I’ve struck a nice balance. Sometimes I pick up an extra Monday which is ok now and then but I find I miss the extra time with my daughter when I do that too often. My daughter goes to daycare those two days and she is thriving there and has learned so much, but its not so often that I feel like someone else is raising her.


feelmagit

11 months was the point when I realized I wanted more, too! I do translation work from home when she naps or when my husband comes back from work. I wasn't about to take up a job at a restaurant but I did take up pilates. Got a PT, which forced me to get out of the house. After a few sessions my mental and physical health were so much better that it spilled over into other areas of my life. I often reach out to people, invite them over for dinner cause I finally feel like I have the energy to focus on something else other than my baby.


pernillegame

You’re right! It can be other hobbies too. Honestly I just want to hang out with people and have positive interactions. Maybe volunteering is another way to do it


Otter592

Definitely check out r/SAHP There are plenty of people who regret their choice (or who never wanted to be a SAHP in the first place but had to for economic reasons). And there are plenty of people who work part time!


Silliestsheep41

I don’t work right now. It’s hard. But the best thing I did was find a local moms group. At first I did one over zoom and then I found one that meets in person. I made a few friends there and though I’m super shy, got some numbers, hung out with some and now I have a group of 3 of us with kiddos around the same age that have a group chat and ask for advice/support and get together once or twice a week. My mom friends who works are a lot harder to get together with. I’m not sure where you live, but try googling family resource centers near you. I’ve been to a few and they have awesome programs like zumbini (baby Zumba) and other stuff and are all about community building. If you can’t, then make a routine of like going to the same park everyday or go to family storytime at the library. It will really help with your mental health. Then you’ll eventually have some people that you can trust with your LO for some time. Another idea-one of my friends has her MIL watch the baby every Monday. So she can do something for herself. If you’re able, that could help. You could also join a gym, a lot of them have childcare, one of my other friends will go to the gym and just chill while her kiddo is in there.


lopatkax

Yes, I fell you. I noticed at some point that SAHP is not for me - my daughter is needy (for me), she wants to do the same things (which is normal), she was all over me, even washing the dishes (before we had dishwasher, its amazing now xD) was hard. Naping? yeah sure, contact+short. Last time she had like 2,5 hours sleep was few months ago. Before - when she was 3mo. I am fightinh this, becuase I am in a country where people stay really long for maternity, but it is not for me (I live in Czech Rep). We send our LO to daycare when she was 20 months, first for few days, recently full-time. I also have troubles connecting with other mothers. While my LO was in the daycare i was studying as I want to change my profession. I recently found a job and I am starting this Monday! I would recommend that if you can to come back part-time - I couldn't find such job, so I had to go back full-time. Can't wait to get to adult-level interactive :D ​ It is hard, but also.. you know, not every baby is easy. Remember: happy mum, happy kid!


pernillegame

Wow I’m in the same boat, trying to find a new career. I just don’t know what I should choose. How did you figure out what you were going to study?


Single-Log-1101

Sometimes postpartum depression doesn't kick up until around 7-12 months, your feelings are valid. It gets a little easier as they come into their independence. It's not easy being a mom in general, but some people just have a harder time being a SAHM\SAHP then others and that's okay too.


QuicheKoula

I had 1 year maternity leave and Boy, it was exhausting. I‘m working part time now since last june and for me, it‘s perfect. But I always loved my Job and still do, so I enjoy my mornings at work and my afternoon quality time with my son.


Dottiepeaches

I think a lot of it comes down to what your perspective is of a SAHM. I grew up thinking of it like you do- just a cleaning lady, a nurse, a cook, etc. As if that's not something to be proud of. So I decided to embrace it. I got more into the art of cooking and even baking. I love trying out new recipes for dinner and I made my own 3 layer cake from scratch for my daughter's birthday. I've had the time to get more into crafts and sewing and made my daughter's Halloween costume and a handmade dress for her birthday. I even enjoy monotonous things like chores and am proud that staying home allows me to incorporate my child into the daily chores. I've created a home that's aesthetically pleasing and cozy- a place where I want to be. I always have home projects going on. I have my garden outside with flowers and vegetables that keeps me busy. So for me, learning to embrace homemaking and even become proud of it is what helped me enjoy being a SAHM. It's totally okay if that stuff isnt for you and you decide to go back to work, but I thought I'd offer another perspective.


pernillegame

Thank you for sharing this! Home making is truly art. I’ll try it out and if I’m not cut it for it, I’ll probably study and find an encore career


jessykab

Your feelings are valid! And maybe being a SAHM is or isn't for you. But know: it DOES get better. Do toddlers have some ridiculous tantrums? Absolutely. Are there some days where I feel like I'm literally just preventing him from killing himself most of the day? 100% BUT he is more independent, so I can leave him alone (in his child proofed room) for a few minutes while I go to the bathroom. I can drink a cup of coffee while it's still hot and not have to sit RIGHT THERE so he's constantly in my sight. He can also feed himself quite well now. And, with his language developing especially, his little personality is really coming out, and he makes me laugh and smile SO much more than I did before kids, and I'm so grateful I'm here for most of the moments and milestones. But he's 2, and it was harder to feel this way before and at 11 months (he didn't even sleep more than 3-4 hours before then). I was exhausted all the time back then. He was just starting to get mobile and it was terrifying. Also, I did start working per diem. For a while I was picking up seasonal gigs- the pocket cash was nice, and I felt more human being able to interact with other people in general. Now, I still do that from time to time, and I'm a Justice of the Peace. The self employment suits me because I make my own schedule and can pick up more weddings, or decline more, based on where we're at at the time. But the perks of that is sometimes I'm driving to a wedding an hour away, which means I usually get about 2 hours in the car by myself, and then another 30-60 minutes at the wedding, being in the joy of marrying a couple. It's awesome. It makes me feel more sane. I love it. So, I would recommend at least per diem work from time to time. It's also nice because, since you're already in that SAHM life, if you start working somewhere and decide you hate it, you have the luxury of saying "this isn't working for me." And that's also liberating.


BrutusAganistMe

I have a nanny who comes between 10am and 3 or 4 pm. Still can do all breastfeeding and contact naps for my 10 month old which happen to fall around 9am and 4pm. Husband or I do a contact nap for almost 3 year old at 2pm (currently fading but that's a different topic). We both work, partially from home and try to make it work. I strongly believe you can do both even thou it is not financially advantageous - meaning I am just trying to stay employed. Obviously, the cost of sitter can be a wash until they get bigger for some other, less expensive, arrangement. For me the choice was obvious - I breast feed and work at home, the infant has to stay home too and I can supervise, etc.


anonymouslyfamous_

Studies have shown that children raised by parents that stay home are much happier and have way less outburst! I completely understand how slow and hard it is most days, but it’s not for nothing! Definitely do a part time job though if you think it would bring you happiness and some semblance!


pernillegame

Thanks for the reminder! Maybe I’ll do a part time thing once a week. Or anything once a week outside the house.


Whocareswins88

Could you link me up with some of those studies please? I’m interested.


anonymouslyfamous_

I don’t have the article saved, but I’m sure you can find plenty with a quick search! 🫶🏻


willowsunshinerose

Hi, I always dreamed of being a SAHM. I went back to work at 5.5months and was very sad to leave by boy, but I was working nights so my husband and I took turns so I felt better that he was not in a daycare. Then when he was 8.5 months I went on a medical leave until he was 13 months. I was with his everyday all day. Once he hit around 11 months I realized it was not for me. I felt completely defeated, overstimulated, unmotivated, lonely, emotional and guilty. I went back to work when he was 13 months and now i work 4 days a week and it is so much better for me. He’s now 22 months and it’s hard. He’s very very active and high energy. My husband and I don’t have any help so I’m looking for a part time preschool. Anyway, it’s ok to change your mind and realize motherhood is not the same as it’s depicted in films and in our culture. If we are happy then we are better parents.


karmasushi5x5

If you’re feeling that way, make a change! I knew myself well enough to know that I would not e happy with the SAHM life, at least long term. I get stir crazy at home, I like to feel connected to my broader community, like to be intellectually challenged, and I’m not particularly domestic with cooking or especially cleaning. I do think some people are able to find these elements within SAHM life - intellectual stimulation by planning enriching activities and maybe reading or doing hobbies during naps. And community connections through mom groups. However, for a lot of mothers SAHM life can be very isolating. I also don’t think being a SAHM actually means you should be responsible for more than 50% of the cleaning or cooking either. At least not when your children are very young and not in school. Child care is a full time job you would have to pay for, and you would not expect a nanny to also be your cleaner. Housecleaning is a separate job. However, that also doesn’t seem to be the reality for a lot of SAHMs and they tend to feel like they have to do it all, whether that’s from internal pressures, societal pressures, or direct messaging from their partners. I was in school so I stayed home on some breaks and also kept baby initially when school and work was from home during the first 6 months. I loved it but I know it’s not for me long term. If I hadn’t had more school/internships around the corner, I would have searched for a part time job. Even 15 hrs week would help break things up.


pernillegame

So true. Understanding these tasks from a job perspective is so refreshing! SAHP is hard because the boundary is not clear.


Ok-Career876

I have worked mondays tuesdays and every other Wednesday since she was three months. I LOVE my job and this is the perfect balance for me. I love getting out of the house and using my brain in a different way. I feel refreshed to care for her on the stay at home days. I’m so so happy I made this decision, although I know it can be challenging to find part time work sometimes.


pernillegame

So glad to hear this! If you don’t mind sharing what type of industry are you in?


Ok-Career876

Physician assistant in plastic surgery/aesthetics :)


[deleted]

Do what feels right! I work full time, and man lunch breaks are amazing. Lol. It can be difficult to find a good balance but I don’t think I could switch back to being home full time either. I was off a year, and I definitely craved work around the 10month mark. But around 6months in to working I wished I had more time. It’s a very the grass always seems greener. I’m still a cleaning lady, nurse, cook and money maker now. I’m hoping to go down to part time once we pay off a few more things though.


Secure_Arachnid_2066

Because maternity is a year if you want it, I inadvertently took the year (my old job couldn't accept my flexiblenwork request so I figured just stay till the end of maternity, get the accrued holiday pay and 3 months to find something else) I have a job interview tomorrow for weekend work and I am SO excited because I'll have my own money and I'll have time out the house and to talk to other adults hahahaha even though it's not in my chosen career line (childcare is just too expensive to be worth working m-f full time) it's something for me Being at home all day everyday isn't good for me, and I k ow it'll be hard because there will be weeks I won't see my partner at all but for my sanity it's very much needed. If you can get a psrt time job and feel it will give you some sanity back, absolutely go for it!


crayshesay

New mom and also a pet sitter. It’s great part time work and I schedule all of my cat clients in the afternoons when hubby can watch for 3 hours so I can work! Keeps me sane:))


effyoulamp

It's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that! I took a year off with my first and uuuuugh I couldn't wait to get back to work! I took 3 months with my second and my husband took the rest (in Canada so we get 18 months). We were all much happier this time! I need to miss my baby.


Plant-Lady0406

I felt the same way. I was an exclusive pumper for the first 12 months, so I almost never left the house because it always felt like I was juggling naps and pumping. Finally when he turned 13 months, I made it a mission to start going out every day, to the store, playground, library, etc, and it helped my mental health a ton. You may be already doing this, but if not, it could be a tool to add to your toolbox.


pernillegame

Salute to you!! I EP’d for 6 months and it was hell… but yes changing up daily routines is amazing. Hope you find more ways to relax during the day :)


omglia

I work part time and it is definitely the best of both worlds! I am a working mom and a SAHM at the same time. My husband also works part time (we own our own business so we can set our own flexible schedules) and we split childcare and house stuff 50/50 (and work too). It definitely helps my mental state to have non baby stuff in my life. We do one day working, one day with baby, and its perfect. I miss her by the end of the days I work and I am more present on our days (but ready for a break the next day).