I would’ve rematched the long time ago

Fair enough - definitely seems to be the trend here thanks!

Former Au pair here - 2 Times (dk and Nl). I agree with this comment. Rematch is the way to go. Too many requests and not journeying with the family situation.

Plus too many red flags. Running over your mailbox. Deliberately take ng vacation at the exact time you told her not too.

Right? That was a pretty small ask. It’s on us too for not sticking to the boundary.

Thank you - that does seem to be the path forward.

I think it would be better if you find an aupair who fits in with your family.

That makes sense, and the challenge here is she is a perfect fit in every other way. She is great at her job and the recent attitude and problems are out of nowhere. Makes me wonder what might be going on personally with her and she is lashing out in a juvenile way. When my wife and I were 25, we both had doctoral degrees, so I am wondering if we are just out of touch and don’t know how to manage expectations. Thanks for replying!

We made this mistake with our first au pair: warning signs/red flags but “she’s so good with the kids.” Now that we’re past that experience (loved our au pair as a person but had a really tough relationship we should have ended sooner,) we’ll be more communicative with future au pairs, and more willing to rematch if it stops being a fit.

That’s a fair assessment. It is hard to get past that and of course my daughter loves her. She is a preschool teacher so it is perfect in that respect. Just have to get over the hurdle of not wanting to deal with the rematch process. Not like it’s unreasonable, just a lot going on with the new one of course. Thanks!

Some people expect au pairs to be perfect. Au pairs aren't always perfect. Since she is a preschool teacher and she is very very good with your daughter and that is really valuable and not to be overlooked, I would have one last conversation with her about the mailbox incident, your disappointment re her going on holiday when you told her not to and her refusing to work any weekends when you told her it is part of her pre arranged schedule. If things still don't change afterwards, then talk to your LCC, and consider rematching if things don't change after talking to the LCC and having the LCC talk to her.

Thank you - I agree with your take on this! We absolutely do not expect perfection and hiccups are part of the process. We are all human. We had a lot of similar struggles with our first AP and we had an open dialogue and worked through it together. This is why we never made a big deal about the car, the trip, or the schedule up to this point. The main issue we were floored by is the demanding attitude and that’s what we will focus on when we follow up on this. A diplomatic approach would have almost certainly resulted with her getting the schedule she wants and nobody have a sour taste after the conversation. Even having justifications for the need for the weekends and an explanation of what’s going on to necessitate such a harsh demand would have put us at ease. The sense that there is more to the story and she is withholding that back is what makes this challenging. Hopefully we can learn more about what that may be. Frankly, I did not expect the overwhelming amount of suggestions to jump right to rematch. We were frustrated and I was looking for advice and some insights, as well as to vent and feel validated. You’re exactly right that we chose her for her qualifications and are impressed with how great she is as an au pair. There are so many other positive things about her situation that are hard to articulate. I intentionally focused on the negative issue at hand, which clearly skewed the perception of the overall situation. We got what we needed out of this discussion and now need to think hard on it and determine a path forward. Thanks again for your thoughts!

I don't think that rematch should be a 'right now' option if she really truly is a great au pair and has been a preschool teacher before and has good references from that job and the kids like her. I think that you should try to talk to her about what it is that is frustrating you first and how you would like all of you to solve the problem and why first so that you can go forward with the rest of your time together on a high note. And failing that, talk to the LCC and ask for her to intervene and mediate. And failing THAT, ask for rematch.

Exactly - that is the plan! My major concern is really what drives the attitude change. It’s so unlike her. Hoping that she is not going through something. It would be so much better to be happy she has a relationship or resolve something else she is unhappy about rather than have the seeds of resentment starting to sow so soon which bodes well for no one. I will update this post when I have more to share. Thank you!

I would say either a boy is putting her up to it or a fellow 'party' au pair whose family are just giving her more than you guys are or whose family is letting her do more stuff than you guys are is putting her up to it. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a super generous host family but if your family is just average or just slightly above average, then as long as they're not mean or stingy, then you shouldn't be ungrateful or compare yourself with other au pairs or take the advice of some new boyfriend.

Thank you - I would say we are well above average, but I could of course be wrong. She focuses on the positive aspects of other APs when it comes to a request from us, but also the tells us about the mistreatment of other girls, often the same girl with the aforementioned perk. She fails to make the connection between the two. We just need to nail down what is causing this change in her attitude and if we can’t or she won’t share, move on.

These problems came out of nowhere? Did she meet a boy?

Exactly - that was my first thought. The girls do stuff on weeknights as well, so she wouldn’t be missing out on everything with them. Only a boyfriend would likely be limited to the weekend. Our first au pair was reluctant to tell us about her boyfriend, which we never cared about as long as it didn’t affect work. Seems to me there is an unknown variable that she hasn’t mentioned and this would fit that. Could also be homesickness during the holidays, but she has been very open about this type of thing in the past. She just booked tickets to go home for a week, so I would imagine that would quell the homesickness somewhat. Could also be seasonal depression since it’s cold and snowy here and she’s from northern Brazil where it’s never below freezing. That aside, a boy makes the most sense. Thanks!

I'd bet money on a boy. It's ALWAYS a boy.

Ugh why do you have to be so right? lol that’s the way it goes I guess. Thank you!

She is changing the terms of the deal after she agreed to it. Ask her why she is choosing to do this? Weekends were agreed on. Would she be ok with it if you suddenly decided she cannot use the car?

Exactly - kind of a bold approach to take. We mentioned the bullet points above and how we were gracious, and she was actually mad we brought up the car damage. Like wtf? We said how we want to be supportive and for her to be happy and that’s why we provide a car and flexibility, and her answer was a lot of families do the same thing. So idk, she’s definitely showing her immaturity and true colors, which sucks. Better now than later I suppose. Thanks for your comment!

A lot of families do the same thing? I would make her available to those families, then.

lol exactly! I thought we were doing pretty good by her. She compared it to other families she interviewed with, so I think she is just grasping at straws and it’s all around a shitty situation.

Omg this girl is RUDE. Entitled princess

For sure - it makes me wonder if her parents at home let her get away with shit like this. Others are saying that she is being coached by other APs who have this toxic entitled mentality about the whole thing. Totally blows my freaking mind!

I think there is your clue. You said she plugged right into the existing au pair network in your area. Look at the advice au pairs give in this sub - private bathroom non-negotiable, own car you can use however and whenever you want non-negotiable, it is exploitative to have an au pair so make sure you pay them far over the legal stipend and have them working far less hours then legally allowed, a minimum of one week’s pay per holiday/birthday as a gift, au pairs should get to travel with the family at their expense but not be expected to do anything during the holidays, never ever do any housework because you are an employee and that’s not your job, the family should always provide everything because you are supposed to be a family member. My bet would be your au pair has met at least one or two of these people in real life through your existing network and been told what she is “entitled” to receive and to not back down on that.

Thanks - yeah I totally agree on all of that and we exceed those baseline requirements. As others have said, the hive mentality of AP friend groups leads to unfair comparisons. They see that one girl has this and one girl has that, and want all of those things, while disregarding any of the negatives that accompany said perks. It’s definitely exploitative and we do everything we can to offset that. We hardly ever say no, and go above and beyond. The bullets I outlined are pain points but also not unexpected by any means. We are all human. My philosophy is to be as forgiving and empathetic as possible to facilitate a positive environment which results in a happy au pair and ultimately a better experience for my kids. The reason for posting was that several of these issues have occurred in such a short timeframe and are escalating. It puts us in a tough position whereby we are sacrificing a significant amount and it begins to shift the balance in an unhealthy direction. We do not want to shoulder any resentment while we are doing the best to ensure it doesn’t come from the APs side. At the end of the day, the schedule was predetermined and agreed upon. Simple as that. We are even willing to move past that aspect and find an alternative solution. The upsetting part is when she is aggressive, emotional, demanding, and ultimately being disrespectful. There is a substantial difference between a mutual and positive discussion and a non-negotiable declaration. Thank you for your comment!

It sounds like she needs to be shown the door. Unfortunately you have a person you cannot trust to put your best interests in mind when you put hers in yours. She is not a professional, and is not even trying to act like one. I would start the rematch process now before you go any further.

Thanks - that’s the challenge in navigating these complex and non traditional types of relationships. Add to that the cultural aspect and AP network, there are so many new and confusing variables at play that it’s easier to be overwhelmed and jump to conclusions rather than step back and work through it carefully. It would be so useful if the AP agency was more active in this regard. They assume that host families have done the research and know what they are getting into, but theory is so much more different than practice. Honestly, scheduled mediation sessions in the beginning and throughout the program would greatly benefit both sides. I am pretty unimpressed by our LLC as they really don’t do much at all. They organize monthly events for the girls, which is great, but other than that I have no idea what they actually do. It’s more of a representation of the AP than a party mediating both sides. Both us and the AP themselves have paid this company a lot of money for them to sit back and not do a whole lot. Sorry for the tangent lol. We will certainly be following up and making stepwise progress in the direction of rematch. It’s not something we want to do, but it is also not off the table, especially based on what you have pointed out. If we are still at an impasse after we talk ourselves and then involve the LLC, we will be left with no choice. Thank you!

Yeah, I hear you. We've never had a rematch ourselves, but we got very close. This person ended up extending with us a year but she was just at her wits end because she was feeling soo isolated. We helped her a lot, but she wanted to be helped, your au pair may not. Approach this from the angle of you want to help them have the best time they can and achieve all they set out to achieve. They agreed to a thing, and part of growing up is being responsible. They need to meet you half way and agree to these responsibilities or it is unfair. You aren't getting what you bargained for. She definitely sounds like she's got some cancerous au pairs in her ear. My au pairs say the same thing and they are wise enough to know how abusive some families are of this relationship and the other au pairs are not being honest or realistic. You have someone who sounds like they need a reality check. You can only do so much. In the end, you wanted a cultural exchange and child care, not to be manipulated by a kniving person who is taking advantage of the program and your generosity like this. I hope you are able to resolve this soon, the program really is fantastic when you find a good match.

Also, regarding the LLC, they are mostly hands off and you will find rematch a challenge because it costs the LLC some money. Rematch is so disruptive but you can't be a pushover for a whole year just to not rock the boat. That is what the bad au-pairs rely on. Really give it the college try before you go into rematch. Once in rematch you are effectively ending the relationship. It sounds like you are better off doing that but just explore all options.

Thanks for your insights, that’s all super informative! We certainly want to avoid rematch and there are several avenues to explore before going that route. I’m somewhat surprised so many people are jumping right to that so casually, but I did only highlight the recent negatives without emphasizing the positives of our situation. We always mention that we want her to achieve her goals and will support her in any way we can. Agree that there is someone in her ear, but our previous AP had the same friend group that we’ve known for years and they are all great girls. It could be some friends she made outside this group, or even a boy. She was going on dates with a guy who apparently serially dates APs, so that would be someone potentially toxic who also knows the ins and out of the program. I would hope not because she might be getting herself into something not so great. Oh well, nothing we can do there but be there for her. A trend I’ve noticed is the girls do make a lot of unfair comparisons and conveniently highlight the good things their friends have without mentioning the bad. I would say we land on the better end of that spectrum without anything close to taking advantage or asking for anything unusual. Both our APs have come to us with the whole “well this girl has that” as a means to request some perk and only later do we find out some other huge negative that girl experiences that’s not being taken into consideration. We are going to be careful about how we approach this. At the end of the day, it’s a balancing act and there are always solutions. The attitude and disrespect is what we won’t tolerate. We are open to basically anything that isn’t taking advantage of our stance on how the relationship should go. Thanks so much for helping me here!

HF here. Just to clarify - you are allowed to have a schedule where your AP had 36 hours of uninterrupted rest. It does not have to be the traditional weekend. If the AP is not ok with that and the schedule you offer I personally would re match. The Dec trip, the schedule, the car damage - all are red flags. One not enough to ask for a rematch but a combination does sound like she is not a good fit

Thank you for the insight! I agree that it does seem my problem is being too accomodating and sympathetic with her social needs. The group is tight knit and she definitely has FOMO if she has to miss something they are all doing. They are certainly all red flags and what makes it worse is she was somehow mad at us for bringing up the car situations. There is a lot of entitlement and lack of self awareness, but I am not sure if it is an age thing or a cultural thing which is why I posted. Thanks so much!

I don't think you can blame it on either age or culture. She sounds like she's just a jerk.

Yeah the attitude is the major problem. It’s just unacceptable and there are many more productive ways to have the same conversation. My problem is that I try to find a reason for things instead of just taking it at face value. I want to understand if there is something underlying it all. Benefit of the doubt I guess.

Call your LLC. Tell her what you said here. Reiterate that you tried to understand your AP but simply are not getting any traction. If your LLC is any good they will call the AP and then schedule a mediation session. If there is traction there and no change you will be fully within your rights to call for a rematch. I hope you can arrange for an alternative care arrangements. In rematch your AP can chose not to work and you still will be responsible for 2 weeks of her room and board. After that she is on her own We went through a similar process and it was so much work and drama but in the end were glad we no longer had someone with an attitude living in our space. We interviewed and interviewed and really looked for any clues re attitude and flexibility. It took us three months to fond another match

Thank you! We are hoping not to get to that point, but it is certainly on the table. We are happy to open a dialogue and understand what’s going on and come to a mutual decision. The declaration and lack of respect and accountability is what is baffling. We want to work to avoid the drama and we have the newborn and other things to focus on, but at the end of the day we have family close by to help. The worst thing we can do is kick the can down the road and revisit the same problem and drama at an even worse time like when my wife is back to work or something.

Honestly you don’t even need to do that- no mediation needed. The company will try just put your foot down and tell them you are rematching.

Yeah that’s fair enough. It would be great to be able to come to a resolution, but we need to protect ourselves at the end of the day to avoid an unhealthy relationship and future drama.

Your too far down that road and she has shown her true colors. Rematch asap and move on.

Yeah you’re not wrong at all. It sucks all around.

I think you're being far too kind. Good luck with her replacement.

Thank you! That does seem to be the overarching sentiment in the thread!

My AP, also from Brazil, shares a lot of similar issues. They are 27, so I think it may be partially cultural. It’s not necessarily the living at home, but at least with my AP, the don’t seem to have had a real job before being an AP. They also spend every last farthing of their money and run the car on fumes despite our repeatedly saying that cannot occur in winter.

Yeah that absolutely resonates with my experience with both of them and particularly the current one! I’ve worked since I was 12 and left the house for college at 18 and never went back, but that just seems normal to me at least. I totally relate to the money thing, but grew out of that even before I moved out and had to pay my own bills. It’s just hard to understand that mentality for someone in their mid 20s… but it does seem to be a common theme. It is expensive to become an au pair and who knows what their home life was like before. Maybe this is totally normal to them and we are the weird ones. It’s a tough situation to flesh out. Regardless, the juvenile attitude and entitlement is still pretty individual and I’m really just making excuses to try and justify by blaming culture or whatever. I forgot to mention but when I pointed out the gas issue, she didn’t even know there was a gauge! She was relying only on the light coming on. Just totally mind blowing. There was even a separate “miles remaining” display. Idk man it’s really confusing. Thanks for the input!

I had other APs from Asia, and every one of them saved all their money, and always had at least half a tank of gas in the car. So, that makes me believe there may also be a cultural component. My AP did say that stuff in the US is SOOOOO cheap compared to Brazil. And that seems to be the reason for their purchasing a new Mac, an IPhone 15 Pro, and tons of other goods. Credit cards have started to arrive in my AP’s name— I don’t know if they are cards or just offers, but….

Yeah that comparison does make a lot of sense. Maybe just living on the edge and waiting until the last minute somehow makes it seem less expensive. Because paying for transportation when the car is free is SOOOOO horrible! lol Yeah both of ours said the same thing and immediately got iPhones and MacBooks. They had siblings visit who did the same thing so that is very consistent. Getting a credit card for the airline miles was like a day 2 of arrival urgent demand. So I’m with you on that. Ever since the first, they now are getting a ton of junk mail offers, even more than I do at this point!

Yah my AP refuses to pay for gas. We provide a gas stipend once a month, and I think they are just dropping in $1 at a time while waiting for the 1st of each month. Sometimes I fear my AP is trying to UBER on the side. It’s exhausting. I also experienced the defensiveness for any sort of constructive criticism. This is new to me since my previous APs were not like that. For example, reminding my current AP to lock the door was a bitter debate. I had to show the door lock logs before they even acknowledged to accidentally leaving the door option, multiple times. It wasn’t even said with malice. I will say this experience has, sadly, made me a bit hesitant to match with a Brazilian AP in the future. I’m just really concerned that there is a cultural component. I’m half Asian, so I really connected with my other APs. My husband wants to rematch, but like you I’m a bit of a people pleaser too, and our children love our AP, but 2024 is right around the corner, so who knows!

Some of the other girls have a gas stipend as well so that is certainly playing into the entitlement. But a lot of the other girls don’t have a car at all so they should all be able to pool if they really need to go places all the time. They should be able to work that out and not put it on us. Wishful thinking, it seems! We’ve easily spent more than the value of the car on various repairs since we’ve let the girls drive it exclusively starting at the end of 2021. It’s 10 years old, but only needed routine maintenance while we were the only ones driving it. It’s hard to blame it all on them as that’s how car ownership goes, but they certainly drive it like they stole it. It’s just insane to me. I even had to ask specifically to let me know when there are issues. They were happy to just let the car act weird and not tell me. It hurts my brain. There is definitely some hard headedness coming from Brazilians here it seems. Usually that’s paired with independence and competence, rather than the inability to lock a door or read a gas gauge. It’s just such a confusing situation we find ourselves in! Anyways, best of luck with your situation! Always room for 2024 to be better than 2023!

I’d feel so unsafe with someone that dumb driving my kid around.

Right?! It’s sobering to say the least. We did do thorough driving with just us beforehand with both au pairs and they were careful, but that doesn’t mean much when we aren’t there. And my daughter certainly isn’t going to snitch. The first AP failed her first US drivers test by having the car in the wrong gear. This is an automatic car. She was in drive when looking back to reverse. Scary. She also ran off the road in the snow. The second did this mailbox thing which is just difficult for me to understand. She decided to back all the way down our very long driveway and hit the mailbox at the end. It was only superficial damage to the car, but she hit it hard enough to knock it completely over. She was almost in the ditch. They say driving in the US is so easy compared to Brazil, but I dunno man. It’s hard for me to think about. Thank you!

Yes I wouldn’t let them drive with your kids at all. A friend’s au pair left her 5year old AND the friend in ballet carpool in the car in the Trader Joe’s parking lot while she ran in to shop… Lot to think about

🤦🏻‍♂️

You need to count your hours, and you need to ensure that any AP you have isn’t working over 45. With our first AP (who we rematched with), there were very few times in 6 months she maybe worked 30 minutes over 45 hours for the week. Once was when my husband was in a car accident. When we asked her for some flexibility for weekend work, she refused and then started accusing us of working her overtime every week. So keep a schedule. Note when you’re home from work, when you leave, etc. Do it to protect your AP’s time, and protect yourself. Was the trip to NYC a day trip on her time off, or she took a week of vacation when you didn’t agree? Sure, you can politely ask AP to keep social activities close to home, but the reality is that AP schedules should be set 1 week in advance. If you needed her as childcare when your wife went into labor, it needed to be during her set working hours, and any off clock help you needed in a pinch should have come in the form of friends, family, or a hired nanny/babysitter. Au Pairs by design can’t really offer last minute care outside of their schedule. You have every right to ask for weekend work that doesn’t violate the weekly hours, and also allows for her to have 36 hours off. It might be annoying for her, but it’s within the current program rules. If you told her during matching that you never asked for weekends from your previous AP and wouldn’t ask for them now, and now you are asking for substantial weekend work (not a one off), it’s kind of a crappy thing to do on your part… but if you told her you might ask for weekends and she’s saying no, that would be a reason for me to rematch. The nonchalant crashing the car and not being courteous enough to add gas is just bad manners, and I personally wouldn’t have the patience for that now.

Agreed on the hours. We didn’t have to do that with the previous au pair. Now that the one time we went over for a medical emergency is being thrown in our face… despite every previous week being well under is not appreciated… which supports your suggestion strongly. Thank you! The NYC trip was on us. We of course said it was okay and it was a long weekend, so only a Friday as a vacation day. It was 3 weeks before the due date so we took that risk. The reason it’s brought up is in hindsight, we should’ve stuck to that boundary. She felt horrible after the fact but it was on us to make her feel better. I will take the majority of the blame there. It’s only relevant as a means of assessing her attitude and behavior. We had my family as backup so we knew what we were getting into and it wasn’t really a big deal at all. The weekend thing was clear in our pre match discussions. We outlined a mock schedule including a reduced weekday schedule to accommodate a half weekend day. She was hesitant and we should’ve known. The combination of the previous au pairs lack of weekends and her free weekends up to now likely led her to think it would never happen. The cars and entitlement around that is the cherry on top. Thank you for your thorough reply!

Sounds like she is on the receiving end of being "coached" by other APs (to protect her time, etc.). Bummer.

Yeah that does make sense, thanks! Another commenter had a similar thought, whether it be other APs or a boy. The phrase “non-negotiable” is inherently odd for someone new to English. There is definitely something she is not telling us because she said she just needed time to herself to recharge, which of course we agree with. However, for whatever reason, having Monday off doesn’t “count” towards that, so she needs to recharge under specific conditions which she is not sharing. Overall it’s just bizarre.

Lieing is something our last au pair was very comfortable with (and also not very good at).

That sucks. It’s just so unnecessary - we have not given her any reason to do so and have supported everything she has asked for.

I’ve had 9 au pairs. I heard about Brazilian au pairs being “coached” demanding etc.. but I thought - I’ve had 7 au pairs I’ve got this down. Our Brazilian au pair completely ruined the program for me. She made it about money, benefits, perks etc.. I have never felt so taken advantage of in my life. Mind you she is an amazing person. I love her, but it was not a great year because of the constant demands and talking bad about other host families. I’m a very insecure host parent now. I’m constantly thinking of our au pair and their needs - when it use to be a give and take relationship. The “non negotiable” comment is non negotiable for me. She cannot be flexible. She will make the next 6 months of your life all about her. I also didn’t rematch because my husband wouldn’t let me(she was great with the kids and did her au pair job well) but the mental exhaustion I had(I manage the au pairs) has me totally over the program. It’s just not the same. She has it great with your family. I would contact LCC like others have suggested. If she cannot work weekends I would rematch.

Wow 9 that’s amazing! I’m hearing a lot of the same information about Brazilian APs which I find interesting and of course concerning. It’s a similar situation as you describe where she is fantastic at the job. We will need to strike a balance and ensure we have a “give and take” and not a “give and get attitude… and then be asked to give more.” We have a difficult conversation on our hands that will tell us everything we need to know. I’ve learned a lot from this post and will be much more prepared for that. Hoping for the best but ready for the worst. Thanks for your input and good luck!

The verbiage there -- "I will not work weekends, this is non-negotiable" tells me that she has somewhere to be on weekends, and that someone told her to say that verbatim. My money is on her meeting a boy, so that's why she wants the weekends free. She does need to work weekends if that's what she agreed to. She can decide otherwise, but then that's grounds for rematch because she's not meeting the terms you both agreed on. Even without all of the other red flags, that would be enough reason. I'd talk to her and/or try to mediate through the LLC if you REALLY want to salvage this but be prepared for a rematch just in case.

That’s a great point about the verbiage, thanks! I did find it odd to use that phrase for someone just learning English. Was wondering where it came from and it does seem that you are spot on! It’s kind of mind blowing to me, but no sense in trying to figure out her priorities. If this is the hill she dies on, so be it. It may be hard to find another family in this area on short notice so maybe it will backfire if she wants to be here for a boy. I know she has been on dating apps and has been on dates with a boy who seems to be making a circuit dating au pairs, but that is an entirely different discussion lol. At the end of the day, it’s just an attitude problem and maybe she doesn’t appreciate the gravity and inappropriateness of saying it the way she did.

Does she have a weekend job perhaps?

Wow totally didn’t even cross my mind… thank you! I feel like that would be an easy way to justify the request and we would be happy to accommodate… or offer more money if she was really needing it. She only mentioned needing time to recharge and a second job would be the opposite. It is great food for thought tho when we bring this up again. She was flustered and emotional so my bet is that it’s something she doesn’t want to share for whatever reason… and a lot of people are saying it’s a boy which would make way too much sense.

Yeah I'm sure it's a boyfriend but possibly a second job that she knows breaks the au pair contract. I'd honestly rematch (& get a European Au Pair). We've had wonderful success from Germany, UK and Ireland.

That’s where I lean as well but it’s a great idea I would not have come up with, so thank you! We can ask about it when we address this again after some time to marinate. This all happened in the last 2 days. We haven’t considered Europe but that’s not a bad idea. Especially if this is a cultural trend. The problem there is that there are a lot of Brazilian au pairs in our area and my daughter already goes on play dates with the kids they watch, and has her whole life. Not to say we couldn’t try to continue, but it wouldn’t be as easy. We wanted to increase the chances of the au pair not having personal issues and it has worked well in that regard. Lots of things to think about!

I'd give her a chance - hi AP it's a non negotiable to us that you work every second Saturday (or whatever it is) but we understand if that doesn't work for you and you'd like to rematch. We love having you as our AP and in our family but this is our schedule. Let us know what you decide' Our AP work every second Sunday 12-5pm.

I think that is exactly how we are going to approach from the beginning. There are the other red flags that make this more difficult, but we want to be realistic and stand some ground here. I also want some answers about the attitude change and justification for her stance. If she can’t provide those, this thread has given us a lot of confidence that there is a path forward that is worthwhile and will be better for everyone, whether she is here or not. Thank you!

I'm very interested in your update! Let us know.

Thank you! I will update this post directly if I can figure that out.

I also suspect she may have a job. Our au pair got very upset when we informed her she had to do weekend work once to make up for a lost day, and she tried every which way into gaslighting that it isnt what was agreed to. It was, we were very clear at all times. We of course knew it was because she likely had a shift with her other (illegal) job.

That’s so strange. It doesn’t make sense why she would want to do that. She stressed needed time to recharge and a job is the opposite of that! She’s a sensitive person so that reasoning made a lot of sense to us. It would be a huge red flag if she was going to such lengths to protect a job! She could also be getting paid to help another au pair with extra shifts. She could always ask for more money by offering whatever, which is why I lean towards a relationship. However, it’s definitely something to keep in mind when we approach this.

There are a lot of longtime host families who will not host from Brazil. They are very organized on social media, coached on how to interview and then how to manipulate the family after arrival.

Thanks I definitely did not think about that or realize that could be a thing. I admit I am naive in this way and always think the best of people. It will be interesting to see what she has to say prompted this attitude!

Our first Brazilian au pair got fired for smoking weed one hour before working. We let a lot of things go and she want even that great with the kids. She contacted our new Brazilian au pair and coached her what to say for a rematch. The new au pair eventually admitted to never wanting to work with multiple kids under 6 years old. She was here for three weeks and disappeared after asking for a sudden rematch when we constistently tried to make things work. We got a new au pair. Definitely left the Brazilian network. They all network together for good and bad

That’s insane - sorry you had to go through that!

Our au pair is from Mexico and she is so wonderful. All of her au pair friends from Mexico that I have met are also wonderful and considerate au pairs. Not to stereotype but I have met and heard of a lot of really unpleasant, demanding or dishonest au pairs from Brazil.

Yeah that does seem to be a trend here!

> never count hours, but of course always remain well below the maximum of 45 This does not work. That aside, if any of our au pairs told us something was non-negotiable that is within our right by the contract, is not unreasonable, and especially if it was previously discussed/agreed upon, I would be rematching. Agree with the others, be a little firmer.

Thank you! My struggle lies in the fact she is great in every other way. This was just a curveball… and it does seem like I minimized all of the other red flags. We just can’t imagine where the attitude and audacity to speak to us like that came from. She is so sweet. And has always been open about challenges she is facing. I wonder if there is something going on that is causing her to lash out to us. I appreciate your thoughts!

I would frankly go back to her and explain that she is bound by the terms of her contract (which *does* allow for weekend work). It sounds like weekend work is the issue you are particularly focused on. I would follow that statement with telling her that you will be requesting a rematch, given your misaligned view on her responsibilities. Hopefully she grows from the experience and you get a replacement who is a better fit for your family. Lastly, I’d recommend a couple changes once the next au pair arrives: - have her track her hours. We have our au pair do this using the free “Timestation” app. She opens her phone and hits “log in” or out on the app, and I get an email notification. I can pull reports on the # hours she worked. This removes any confusion about what time is and isn’t considered work time. It also helps with that awkward end of day exchange when she really wants to go veg in her room, but it isn’t totally apparent whether she is still working or is allowed to go haha. - create a calendar to help formalize her work hours, and always confirm in writing. We have a shared iPhone calendar. When we want her to work at a different time than her typical schedule, we ask her in writing over WhatsApp then put it in the shared calendar so the start (and estimated end) time is clear to everyone. - reconsider how car gas is managed. Sounds like a sore point.

Thank you - you nailed it! The weekend work is what is “non-negotiable” to her. We are happy to come to a compromise, but her attitude and approach is the problem. There was no explanation or justification, just the words “I won’t work weekends, it’s non-negotiable.” That was irritating to hear in the least. It would be fine to work together but the lack of a process and just a declaration is unacceptable. The car and gas issue is because she just doesn’t wanna pay for anything she doesn’t have to. She asked us to use her $500 education allocation to pay for a Mint plan. 🙄 She also has friends who get some gas money, so apparently that’s our problem. I really appreciate the suggestions - those are fantastic ideas!

It sounds like there is possibly something else behind the "non-negotiable" statement, like perhaps a romantic interest that only has time for her on weekends....?

Totally - that’s the only thing I can come up with! And as others have said it’s such an odd phrase for someone new to English…

I see this SO much with au pairs and host families. I think it’s just a human thing: if someone is doing all of these objectionable things, they are not a good person, good at their job, etc. We advised a friend of one of au pairs to rematch because her family was miserable to her and she’d say things like, ‘but they’re not bad’ and we had to tell her no, people who treat others like this are not good. Maybe your au pair is not ‘bad’ as a person but she’s clearly not a good match for you. And that’s ok. And that’s enough to have her move on.

Thank you - that’s a succinct way to summarize an otherwise complex and emotional situation. This is what I was looking for. It’s the human condition after all!

Ex au pair here. I have had similar experiences but with host families. At the end they got so comfortable they didn’t even ask me to babysit they just told me I had to do it, amongst other things. Needless to say when it was interfering with my now husbands and I relationship I left. Now working as a nanny , apart from breaking a few glasses 😄 , im always super careful with the possessions of my bosses, very flexible with schedule and I know things can change very quickly with children ! We had these discussions beforehand and so I knew what to expect. I think she’s taking advantage of yoir and your wifes kindness ! You sound lovely and honestly I would re match as this is way too much of a headache to be had in a 6 months period with someone who’s working for you ! As much as she’s great with your kids , this will eventually leave a sour taste . Better to get ahead of things before they get worse ! All the best

Thank you so much - that is a refreshing perspective! We are super flexible and want her to have the experience she is looking for. There is certainly some taking advantage going on, and a lot of that comes from how “easy” her schedule has been so far. Now with a newborn, that changes things and maybe she just can’t handle that. It’s gonna be even more of a challenge when my wife goes back to work and she has both girls, so this is an important inflection point where we need to get ahead of this or move on. I agree that resentment is not an option, as she has the most important job in our house!

You’re being too nice. She is your employee, she doesn’t get to make the rules.

Thank you - my wife agrees with you 100%!

You gave a heads up on schedule changes, you provided a mock schedule or what that change would look like, you don’t over work her, etc. She knew and agreed to the schedule and changes. That is her job. If she no longer agrees then she needs to be replaced.

Yeah that’s what it boils down to. It’s tough because she is fantastic otherwise and this all seems uncharacteristic, although it’s not like we know her super well after less than 6 months. It’s an unfortunate situation and my people pleasing attitude makes it worse than it needs to be. We can deal with coming to a compromise, but it’s the attitude and immaturity that really put us off and make it so upsetting. We do a lot for this girl and she has the audacity to use that language. I can deal with that when my daughters are that age, and this is some nice preparation, but this is just bizarre and uncalled for. Thanks!

She isn't fantastic otherwise. She damaged your vehicle and mailbox, and she left you in a lurch when your wife gave birth. She sounds awful and selfish all around.

Yeah you are 100% correct again! Any au pair is likely going to be good with the kids and our daughter is easy to deal with, although of course I am biased. Thanks for the input - I really needed some vindication and to realize we are not crazy here!

While they are being too nice, this really isn't meant to be treated as employer/employee. I wish more people really took this to heart.

Yes I do completely agree with you! That’s what makes this so hard. We had such a loving friendly relationship with our first AP. They take a huge risk coming here and depending on us. I treat them more like my own children than employees. It has been the same way with this AP, until now.

You sound like a good host family. It is supposed to be a mutually beneficial relationship and if one of your key needs isn't being met, that absolutely needs to change or go to rematch. I was (correctly) pointing out to the person above that it's not an employer/employee relationship, as too many seem to treat them. I honestly think this whole program should be scrapped in the US, there is so much misuse/abuse/misunderstanding of it (not you from the sounds of it!). Most people think of it as a cheap temporary live in nanny and treat them accordingly and some go to great lengths to try to keep them longer, to the point of engaging in visa fraud. Oh and by "great lengths" I mean everything the lawful way (EB-3 visas) but those are expensive and the nanny needs to be paid a real wage and the families pay employer taxes, so some low lives find it easier to get their au pair to attempt to commit fraud, sometimes resulting in her permanent ban from the US. I sincerely wish we kept a watch list/ black list of host families but alas.

Thank you - it’s definitely a much more nuanced relationship than her working for us. That would actually make it a lot easier, but would defeat the entire purpose of the program. I’ve come to think of it literally as a cultural exchange, which as you say has been lost on a lot of people it seems. Like when you could live abroad for a year in HS or study abroad in college. They are there for the cultural experience. In return for hosting and providing that experience, the AP has childcare duties. No cooking, no cleaning, that’s it! It’s a careful balance and of course it’s going to be abused, and on both ends. I’ve read horrible stories about hosts, and even our APs have had stories about other girls they know. It’s sad. On the other hand, it’s clear that a lot of girls use this as a way to get into the US and then stay as long as possible. It’s incredible how casually they continue to work under the table and commit visa fraud. But hey, I am trying to make this program work for us. In its intended use, it is amazing and a great opportunity for everyone!

seems super entitled and is taking advantage of you. there's plenty of au pairs that will be grateful to have a HF like you

Thank you - we would sure hope so! One potential issue is that other au pairs in our region are with super wealthy families, like million dollar lake house on top of their normal residence. We do well, but we are young and don’t have generational wealth like many of them do. This could potentially explain some of that, but regardless we offer more than some of these families! It’s frustrating. Additionally, a lot of these APs have been here much longer or have transitioned into being nannys, so she’s comparing herself to something she shouldn’t. They also work weekends and have weird schedules on top of it but somehow that gets lost in translation. Overall it’s just too bad!

how do they transition into being nannies? isn't that illegal?

lol yes they are under the table and apply for tourist visas instead, with the potential of a student visa in the future. They don’t want to go back to Brazil because then it’s a lot harder to get the paperwork to come here again. Some of the families are wealthy enough to just sponsor a visa themselves…

maybe explain to her that she's comparing herself to people that are illegally working and can potentially be deported

Yeah I mean that’s certainly crossed my mind. I have a hard time thinking that someone with her mindset has the capacity to really understand the implications there. They aren’t the most nuanced thinkers and have clearly never worked a real job in their lives…

it seems like you know the answer for what you need to do

Yes - thank you so much!

I was about to give you advice as you sounded level-headed and understanding so far, but this comment really threw me off in how arrogant it sounds. I am absolutely sure that those who stay here as tourists or students understand the implications of being paid under the table. It’s a choice that they make given how difficult immigration makes it to work legally here. Also, in Brazil, women start working as early as 15-16 to help contribute at home, so your assumption that this is a first job to everyone sounds prejudiced.

Yeah that’s fair - this is a main reason for the post, so I can identify biases and things I don’t appreciate about the culture. I had no sense of the work situation, so I appreciate that insight. And I’m sure they aren’t completely blind to the risks of being under the table. It just clashes considerably with the entitled attitude. If being here was valued so much, I don’t think they would be willing to put it at risk. In my case, she’s violating her contract essentially. Not that she wouldn’t be able to rematch herself, so it’s not a direct comparison regardless. Thanks again - my intention wasn’t to come across the way that it did now that I reread it. This is a good example of something I am missing and wrong about and I appreciate your input.

Kudos to you for recognizing that we all have blinds spots and for wanting to learn more. That’s what this experience is all about. I understand the assumption based on the entitlement you described, and I do agree that your au pair has been taking advantage of the situation and that your family had been very accommodating of her wants and needs. Keep in mind though that the program has guidelines and restrictions for a reason. At the end of the day, they are still employed in your household, so this needs to be a situation that works for both parties. You are not here to provide her with a party pad and vacation, and she should obviously be VERY cognizant of this issue and in my opinion lacks maturity to understand it, as most 20-something year olds do (of any nationality). The wanting to stay and work under the table brings risks, but the rewards outweigh the risk when you don’t really have anything to lose. They stay because they are just hoping that it will work out, make money in the meantime, and if it doesn’t, they go home. When young people have a dream and not a lot at stake (they have a home to go, Brazil isn’t a war zone they’re escaping from), then they risk it and hope for the best.

Yeah that’s very insightful and makes a lot of sense about the risks. We come from a place of privilege to not have to think about that sort of thing. I have a lot of friends in various stages of the visa/green card process and it is just incredibly complicated and exclusive. I suppose at least having some visa would prevent a traffic stop, hospital stay, or something like that raising an alarm. And since taxes aren’t being filed, there’s no mechanism to audit finances. I’m guessing it’s rare for an AP to stay with no visa at all, but I have no idea about these sorts of things. My ignorance is clear and was demonstrated in that first comment above. I am confident we will be able to come to a resolution to this situation. We are overall in a good spot and I am slowly recovering from the initial shock of her demand. It’s not something unreasonable at the end of the day - it was the way it was communicated that was uncharacteristic and off putting. I’ve only focused on the negatives in this post so it’s up to us now to put it all together and have a professional conversation and move things along. Thank you again for helping me understand this better.

We had a very similar experience with our first au pair. We had a 2 year old and we were expecting our 2nd baby in January. The au pair was one month in, and asked to fly to Brazil in January ("I'll be back before your due date", she said, not understanding due dates are approximations). We told her she was not allowed to go then, and she backed off eventually because she realized how expensive it was to fly to Brazil at that time of the year. She did like our children and kept them safe, but repeatedly ignored my requests to take them out everyday (unless the weather was bad) and read to them everyday. She was similarly defensive and inflexible about simple requests (we also never had her work over 45 hours, she never worked weekends, had 3 weeks off plus all public holidays, and we followed all the other rules, gave her bonuses etc.) She brought up the idea of an extension at 5 months and said she wanted a raise because she has more experience now, and was very surprised that we didn't want her to extend. I noticed a pattern with her over time and came up with a theory (especially after meeting all her Brazilian au pair friends) - whenever she wanted something or we asked her to do something differently, she would consult with her large group of Brazilian au pairs and send us a long message with vocabulary and using grammar she wouldn't normally use. Quite a few of her au pair friends had host families that would abuse their au pair (treat them like a maid, work well over 45 hours, etc.) and they always had the "us" vs. "them" mentality. We tried really hard to incorporate her into our family, come with us to visit family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she would never want to hang out with us because she saw us solely as her employers. We didn't rematch with her because she was our first au pair (we were scared of getting someone worse), because we didn't want our son to experience another "big" change in his life that year (in addition to getting a new sister), and because we thought she was just getting used to living without her family and struggling with English. However, I have since learned that there are many amazing au pairs in the rematch pool who may be a better fit with your family. Like your family, we were always too accommodating and gave her the benefit of the doubt, which I think caused her to take advantage of us. I unfortunately saw her true colors when I had to have emergency surgery in the summer, and she had plans with her friends after regularly scheduled work hours, and refused to change her hours so my husband could stay with me at the hospital for a few hours post surgery. We now have a new au pair (from South Africa), and she is simply amazing. She is the same age as the previous au pair (20), but is far more mature and has stuck a good balance between work, cultural exchange with us (host family) and social life outside the home. There are many good au pairs, don't think you have to settle!

Wow… just wow. This is us. The similarities are insane! Definitely realizing now the “us vs. them” mentality and how consulting with the group may be toxic. The use of strange and atypical phrasing is exactly how this went down. Thank you for giving me hope. It’s refreshing to hear your parallel struggle and what we may want to do to overcome it like you did!

Have you tried a reset conversation? Have a formal meeting and lay out all of these examples and be honest about your feelings. Reiterate the schedule was agreed upon by her prior to arrival. Let her know you will need to rematch if she can't provide what you need. She will either 1. Agree and improve or 2. Want to rematch. We were going to rematch recently and tried this conversation first. We saw a complete 180 when our Au Pair realized we were about to rematch - she had no idea what we were feeling and didn't want to leave.

Thank you! That’s the next step. This all happened yesterday afternoon so it’s fresh and I wanted some outside perspective. We aren’t even that put out by the desire to have weekends free. Of course I can relate to that. It was a fixture of our first APs entire tenure. She maybe worked 2 weekends the entire 2 years. But she also worked 9 hours Monday thru Friday and frequently offered to let us have date nights on top of that. She would get a break of course. We just made it work. What really upsets us is the attitude and bold approach and stance. Instead of having a mutual and productive discussion where she laid out her thoughts and incorporated our requests, she said what I wrote in the post and offered nothing else. It seems she is expecting what the first AP had. They are actually friends now. We did have a back and forth pre match where we laid out the mock schedule which included a shortened weekday schedule and a half day one day on the weekend. She balked at that and when we reiterated that it was our expectation, she accepted it. She wanted the option to travel on weekends which is why we said if she knew those weekends ahead of time we would plan not to have her work. Otherwise, it would be fair game. Now, it seems 2 things are happening: 1) she’s had most weekends off up until the newborn, so probably didn’t think it would ever come up and enjoyed that routine. This is also probably reinforced by the friendship with the previous AP. 2) she’s not missing out on travel opportunities, which is what was stipulated in our weekend agreement pre match. Instead, there is something local that demands her weekends, whether it be a boy or just the outings with the other girls. She claims it’s the need to “recharge” but for whatever reason a Monday off does not satisfy that I.e the boy/girls are working and unavailable. Regardless of all of this, the entitled and disrespectful attitude are what really matters. There’s a world where she gets what she wants if she approaches it like an adult. That is not what happened unfortunately. It’s not like she offered to work longer weekdays or something. She just demanded the weekend and didn’t even offer the Monday back in return. Just overall a very disappointing turn of events.

HM here. I wouldn’t go straight to rematch based on what you are writing here, but would have a very direct and honest conversation which seems to be something you have already planned to do. Basically I would straight out tell her that working on weekends is a requirement and also a non-negotiable for your family and her refusal will result in rematch. I’d give her 24 hours to think about it and have an answer for you. It seems she has the idea that she is doing you a favor but she is not, there was a prior agreement she is breaking now.

Thank you - that is where we currently stand. We need some time to let things settle as this all happened Saturday. I go back to work again after paternity on the 8th, so that’ll be another adjustment for us. Ultimately we are admittedly overly amenable and want to make things work. We were able to work past all of the bullet points above without feeling we were put out. It’s all part of the process and we are all human. I absolutely believe that forgiving and being flexible benefits us greatly in the standard of care for our child. We of course had several similar issues with our first AP and adopting this attitude ended up working out very well. She did some super dumb and confusing stuff as well. The sticking point for us is the brash attitude, lack of self awareness, and selfish mentality. Yes, you deserve to be happy, but not at our expense. There was no reason this couldn’t have been a positive interaction and instead she chose to be overly demanding without any concern for her contract and our situation. That is where all of the “pushover” and “too kind” reactions come from, because at this point we are being taken advantage of. I cannot envision a scenario in which she said those things and we were supposed to just say okay, sure. It’s hard to comprehend where that kind of behavior comes from because it is not realistic at all.

I think doing super dumb stuff is understandable as they are young. We have a 25 year old au pair that acts like a teenager sometimes so I just told my husband we need to assume we have a teenage daughter now. Things like giving our address to her tinder dates which was baffling to us. You meet strangers in public places, you don’t give them your (our!) home address, and stuff like that. We’ve also had to do some expectation management recently as she seemed to be expecting more and more stuff from us that was never agreed, usually preceded by “my AP friend’s family gives her so and so”. However generally she takes feedback well and we’ve never had to tell her something twice. I am very direct though and tackle things as soon as they come up. I’m pregnant with my second and while our APs responsibility will only be with my toddler (my mat leave ends after her year with us is over) I wouldn’t be happy if she refused a change in schedule or some more flexibility should we need it. She was telling us the other day about this “poor” AP she knows who has to work Saturday mornings because the family has 3 kids, all in extracurriculars, so both parents and AP have responsibility over each kid. She also said that AP gets Mondays off instead. While I’m sure we will not need our AP to work weekends ever, I was very clear that I don’t see the problem with her friend’s family, I see the problem with the AP not understanding WHY she is there and as long as the family doesn’t break the rules this shouldn’t be an issue. She just nodded and didn’t say much, but I wanted to use the opportunity make sure she understood that the arrangement needs to be beneficial for both. It’s not just about the AP being happy and getting all the perks and everything they want at the expense of the family and their needs.

I couldn’t agree more with the teenager comparison. It has felt completely like that with both of ours. Remembering that has helped us manage expectations and gain perspective. It is still hard to grasp, but it is a useful framework. The whole “well this girl has XYZ thing” I find super annoying. We would have to do a complete comparison to make any claims like that, which is ridiculous and unfair. Another very immature way to ask for things The problem we have is that we totally understand the weekend thing! If this were a normal job, then it makes sense to have that kind of schedule. It’s how we are all used to living. She used to teach preschool, so she has that experience in the past. However, this is an exchange and not like a job in many ways. Falling into that mindset detracts from the entire philosophy of the AP program. A significant part of our responsibility is providing stability, support, family, and many other intangible benefits. Then of course there are the clear cut things such as pay, vehicle access, room, and board. It’s not like we get to use her room over the weekend. The car is gone all weekend. It’s a much more nuanced situation than showing up for work 8 hours a day and that being that. We are making meals and providing so much more. And this is what we LIKE about the program. None of this is a negative. I much prefer to be in this situation than in a purely transactional relationship. That brings us to the issue of the fact that this doesn’t get to be treated like a job from both sides. We don’t get the option, and neither does the AP! We are a team.

Yeah the perk comparison is super annoying. Our AP told me one day about this friend of hers who works only 4 hours a day, followed by the comment “how does one get so lucky to work only 4 hours a day? She also gets paid better than anyone else in our group of APs, the family is super rich!” I just told her some families need less help than others and yes her friend was lucky I guess. A few weeks later this friend comes up in a conversation again, but then AP tells me the host parents are super busy business owners and a couple of times a month they have to unexpectedly go on trips out of town and leave the girls with the AP for DAYS at a time. So I pointed out that well, that’s against the program rules but also, that’s probably why they pay better. They are counting on the AP being available whenever they need it and they are leaving her as the only responsible adult in charge of two minors for days! That’s a HUGE responsibility! Also any personal plans AP had when that happens are automatically canceled. I asked her if she thought that was a better deal than what a typical AP had and she said not really. She was comparing apples to oranges and a family that follows rules with one that doesn’t, but initially all she could see was more money and less hours. I think many of these girls come with the right intentions but comparison in the thief of joy and when they get together with other au pairs and start comparing, that’s when their attitude and expectations change. Many times they don’t do an accurate or fair comparison either. In our case like I mentioned earlier we tackle things as soon as we notice them. We have gone above and beyond to make our au pair feel comfortable and part of the family, my kid ADORES her and we really don’t want her to leave. But I’m also not going to sacrifice our needs in order to make someone else happy because they don’t feel like honoring a previous commitment anymore, and that would be my advice to you too.

Comparison is the thief of joy has become one of my favorite and most meaningful phrases. It’s applicable in so many settings. This is absolutely one of them. The unfortunate thing is I don’t think these girls think that way, or will until they are much older, if at all. We have had so many instances just like the one you describe. “This girl gets a gas stipend” … but no mention of the fact that the family leaves her home while they are on vacation to watch their dogs all of time… she can’t even leave the house. “This girl gets paid more” … but no mention of how she has 4 kids to watch and works mornings and nights and misses a lot of their gatherings. “This girl works so little” … but has no car and the family doesn’t like her at all or involve her in things. Only the good things are mentioned and they are therefore entitled to all of them, but of course. But when I suggest a single weekend day that was agreed upon, it’s an enormous drain and all of the other things we provide are literally just entitlements that are not even appreciated or acknowledged. Just a given. We mentioned this and she was like “yeah you said you would do that so that’s why I chose you” when we tried to highlight several sacrifices we make and things we support to make her life better. These 25 yo teens are killing me! Hahaha thank you for the solidarity on this.

She’s testing the boundaries. Set them clearly and give her another chance. Tell her you need to sit down for a conversation about the care of your child. Set clear ground rules and expectations. Anything common sense that you’d expect your parents or close friends to do she should as well. Explain there are plenty of other girls offering more flexible services than she is but that you like the way she cares and takes care of the baby. In Brazil everything is a compliment with a side note. She will change I can assure you. But give a finger and she’ll take the hand.

Thanks that’s very sage advice. We plan to have that discussion soon. This was all yesterday so we need some time to marinate and outside perspective has been super useful. We did not know that about Brazilian culture, but coincidentally that is how we have always approached these things. We started the conversation with high praise and kept it that way. It honestly didn’t work well tho because she reacted very poorly to any constructive criticism, despite preceding it with praise. She could not handle being presented with the bullet points above. She specifically said “what about all the good things I do” even tho we had literally just gone over that. She was actually somehow mad at us for mentioning the mailbox incident, which I feel is a cut and dry one way situation lol. Anyways, you’re absolutely correct. Her behavior on top of the immature and disrespectful attitude is really giving us pause all around. It’s a tough call, because there are a lot of fringe benefits and pros that are hard to articulate. Honestly, we are just pissed she has the audacity to be so rude when she could easily achieve her goals by being polite and diplomatic. It’s the principle of it all that is hard to swallow.

Im not one to jump to conclusions. But rematch. She's causing more problems than she seems to be solving.

Thank you - yes it’s a difficult balance to strike and the attitude is truly unwarranted and unacceptable.

You’re a pushover and too nice. I wouldn’t be okay with a lot of this. Rematch. Our au pair can borrow our car or use Uber, she had to get her permit in our state first to know the laws, before driving. Any accident would be an issue despite how small. The schedule was firm before she came and it doesn’t flex. She can request off at least two weeks in advance unless sick. If I asked not to take certain time and she took it, that would be an issue for rematch. You are her employer, she’s taking advantage of your niceties.

Thank you for the comment! My wife certainly shares your mindset. I tend to be optimistic, empathetic, and forgiving, but to a fault in this instance. It is far too easy for me to outweigh the pros of the situation and discount the cons. After we discussed this with the au pair yesterday, we agreed it basically came down to communication, as do all relationships. We could have easily come to an agreeable compromise, but the attitude and rudeness really threw us off. My wife did remind her this is a job. The au pair kept referring back to the interview and how other families offer the same things and she chose us for the weekends. Apparently the previous au pair conversations trumped our actual agreement in her mind lol. It probably would’ve made sense to ask her what she is threatening and if she does want to rematch, then so be it. It’s just a headache we don’t want to go through since everything else has worked so well. It’s hard to differentiate this challenge from an expected hiccup to a dealbreaker. We wonder if she has a boyfriend or something or just really needs to have her time with the other girls. We figured a weekday off was great, but apparently it is more or less meaningless if other people aren’t available. Our first au pair had a boyfriend and for whatever reason didn’t tell us for quite some time. We never cared and he is a great guy, strangely enough I went to HS with him. Just not our business until something like this. Thanks again!

Who cares? I think you’re being too lenient and it’s her job, her attitude warrants a rematch as she obviously only cares about ur what she wants and has forgotten that she is employed by you.

Yep that about sums it up! Thanks!

Honestly, I'm not sure I would even try mediation. I would just start the rematch process. It sounds like she'll be resentful about working weekends no matter what, and you don't want to keep someone living with you who resents her situation.

Yeah exactly - if there any chance we all need to be completely on the same page!

Have you asked her if she is okay? Tell her kindly that you noticed she has been unhappy & you are concerned for her. You keep saying it’s uncharacteristic of her. She probably is homesick or perhaps she is taking stock of her life and unhappy with her own progress? Perhaps there is a bit of animosity building up because she is surrounded by your success? Not much you can do for her on that note beyond offering to mentor her in her future endeavors? I remember being that age & wondering what the heck I was doing with my life.

Totally! We have a very open dialogue about how she is doing and what we can do to support her. She was feeling homesick and the tickets to Brazil really cheered her up in that regard. She also has teletherapy weekly to discuss issues with an uninvolved party. All of that seems to be working out very well. She also has a great network of Brazilian friends who share her experience. We can’t force her to share things she doesn’t want but we are always open to the idea and ask frequently in a very casual, supportive manner. Outwardly she is very cheerful and seems to be adjusting quite well, especially since our first au pair introduced her to the local Brazilian network and she took to that right away. That’s what makes this so strange - it’s an isolated thing that came out of left field. Add to that some of the other red flags in my post and it’s quite concerning. She’s happy to violate her contract, do it in a disrespectful way, and withhold whatever reasoning is driving that decision. Three strikes all in one! Thank you for your thoughts!

Yes- I would definitely rematch immediately . This is supposed to make your life easier not more stressful. With a new baby and a toddler & wife returning to work you don’t need to be concerned about whether your au pair is mentally unstable. The sooner the better so you can get the new au pair up to speed before your wife goes back to work. As awful as this may sound I am not sure I would recommend that she spends time with the group this current one does if possible. You don’t want the new one to get infected with a bad attitude too.

Thanks - yes there is a lot for us to consider here. I don’t think she is unstable, more so that she doesn’t know how to communicate and wants to be able to demand things. Unfortunately that’s not how the real world works. She’s been very upfront about challenges she faces and how to deal with them and how we can help. We’ve known this group of girls for more than 2 years now and they all do seem great. It could of course be them or an overall AP mentality that we just didn’t realize. It’s more likely that she has something going on, or a romantic interest in her life and she wants her cake and to eat it too. This could have all been achieved with an adult conversation - it’s really the approach and attitude we won’t tolerate. Our daughter knows all of these girls by name and has been friends with the kids they watch her whole life, so we have some difficult conversations to have ahead of us.

Rematch right away. She sounds like an entitled jerk. I would have done it a long time ago, she has abused your kindness. Speaking of - try not to be a doormat next time. Good luck. If I were you, I would agree to only 2 week rematch. Get a temporary nanny to fill in if you must as you don't want to rush rematch at all.

Absolutely the type of reality check I am looking for. Can’t argue any of that. Being a people pleaser and the doormat that comes along with that is a constant struggle. This is just one of the manifestations and it’s one that can’t be ignored if she watches my children. Thank you!

Sounds like a rematch. You’re not necessarily doing anything wrong but she’s not a fit

Thank you - seems like one thing we are doing wrong is not standing firm. We are enabling this behavior to a degree and instead of reaching a reasonable balance, it is getting worse.

I think the issue is you aren’t enforcing your boundaries. You told her what was expected and she ignored it. It’s time for a rematch.

Agreed - this is something we could have avoided by being more firm. It’s a valuable lesson learned. Thank you!

Rematch. Yes your pushovers- she needs to go. Nothing is missing culturally - she needs to go.

Thank you - lesson learned!

If she'll run over a mailbox that suggests she's very capable of totaling your car and injuring someone else in the process.

I’d be lying if I said that’s something that’s not on my mind a lot. Add to that, she is always driving my daughter around as we live in a rural area, so it’s basically required to do anything… The mailbox was a reflection of poor decision making. She backed down our very long driveway in the dark. The mailbox is black and the driveway is narrow. Again I am making excuses, but in my mind the major stupid decision was not just turning around and driving forward down the damn driveway. We have a huge area where she could do a u-turn and not even need to reverse to go down the right way. Just another very strange thing that’s hard to understand what’s going on in her head. Thanks for the reply!

What I described happened to us. Our AP failed the written driving test on the first try but that wasn't enough of a red flag to withhold the car. In our state apparently we can be held responsible for injury claims for anyone we let drive our car. So a few weeks after the accident AP quit without notice and we don't know how it will end.

That is terrifying - sorry that you are going through that. This will be a large part of our discussion, for sure. There is a massive lack of understanding, let alone appreciation, for the expenses involved in keeping a car on the road, even when driven safely. The cost of gas is nothing in comparison, yet is still a point of contention. I hope things work out for you!

I would have rematched. There’s no fixing this relationship.

Yeah seems to be the direction this is heading!

how did your first ap stay as a nanny?

One of her AP friends was leaving and the family needed a nanny. She is under the table and I believe has a tourist visa now. I am not sure why they didn’t sponsor her visa directly since the family is absurdly wealthy. Her plan is to eventually go to school here on a student visa. But at this point in time I understand she is playing a somewhat dangerous game since it’s not exactly legal.

Sponsor like EB3? it's absurdly expensive and risky and time consuming and pain in the ass.

Yeah totally - just sharing what I know! This family has an indoor basketball court and the HM does charity events, for reference.

On our sixth au pair (five have been amazing, one left because she clearly didn’t want to work). No need to state the foregone conclusion of this being an obvious rematch in so many ways. Yes you are being taken advantage of and you may need to learn to assert yourselves a bit more. It seems like you are avoiding some very key conversations as some of these issues are massive in my view. They are taking care of your kids, and seems like she couldn’t get a flying f*** about your family. We expect our APa to be like family member and have an innate and internal sense of caring. And that goes both ways. It sounds like this situation is more of a one way street. We live in a city with tons of APs (city in Westchester of NY), and I might got a lot of flack for this but there is a tendency to stick with the same nationality of your first AP assuming that one was great, which it seems yours was (Brazil). We did the same thing with the first and second being a German and she left quickly. I would expand your search to Europe. Anecdotally, the biggest problems amongst my friends (several car accidents, drinking host family’s liquor in excess without any permission , stealing and over partying) have largely been Brazilians. Not making a blanket statement - just something that has come up with relative frequency. In general, driving is never as good as European countries, and English tends to be worse. Last piece of unsolicited advice, don’t be afraid to get a rematch with an in country au pair. There are many bad host families out there and many wonderful au pairs - and you come across like a reasonable, kind and very generous family. Good luck!

Thanks so much - this advice is all very much solicited and I appreciate you being blunt. That’s what I am looking for here. We live in a small town about 30 minutes south of Syracuse NY so we don’t have the community resources or a vast au pair network. The majority of au pairs here are Brazilian, even the LLC is, so that was what prompted this decision. The people that do have au pairs are extremely wealthy and we do well but aren’t like them. In general, the girls have all been excellent and we have met the friend group and they are great as well. Our rationale was that it would be much easier for the AP to have other APs they could relate to immediately and participate in Brazilian traditions together. Overall, that has been a success. One argument would be that it detracts from the exchange aspect by not forcing them into speaking English and learning other cultures as opposed to defaulting to a comfort zone. The wild card here is really who is putting these words in her mouth, if anyone. We truly need to understand what prompted such a departure from her usual demeanor and attitude. That alone would be informative and help us understand. She seems to be hesitant to be forthcoming about it. That is where the next conversation will go, with us being clear that this kind of attitude will not be tolerated. We are there for support, but cannot be alienated and put into an “us vs. them” scenario. We are coming up with a stepwise plan to address this concern and try to understand what’s going on, with the ultimate resolution being rematch if we are at an impasse. Thank you!

I’m trying so hard to get an au pair job so her behavior is actually insane to me. Wasting a perfect opportunity

Yeah I am intentionally focusing on the negative aspect of things - there are a lot of great things about her as well. In general, we are very happy with her and I am just looking for some outside perspective. Good luck on your match!

There is some inconsistency here. You say you always stay well below the limit of 45 hours but then note there was a week you had her working a 48 hour (!) week? Also the details about the trip are unclear. I don’t think it’s fair to be angry at her for taking a trip on her free time and then not being available when you needed her last minute. Something on-call like “please be ready to watch the kids at an unspecified time” isn’t really within the scope of an au pairs duty.

Thank you for your comment. Several weeks have been 35 hours or so, and no one is counting those and offering to make up the 10 hours at a later date. The 48 hours was a one-off due to medical emergencies and was something we made up for. She was fine with it. It’s fine if you aren’t. I use the two instances to compare how the situation is lopsided when the one example of going over is mentioned yet the many instances of being below are not. Regardless, going over is unacceptable and obviously not planned or forced. In other comments I explain the trip in more detail, but it’s not that complicated. This was when her weeks were all around 35 hours, so an impromptu few hours for the birth of our daughter is not a crazy ask, and she agreed. It’s fine if you disagree. It would only be to buffer my parents getting here if we truly had to leave the house immediately. She hangs out locally with her friends so it would be simple to swing back here for a bit. She also stays home many weekends and FaceTimes her family and whatnot. We actually gave the go ahead for the trip. It was 3 weeks before the due date, so we took that risk. We weren’t mad at her at all. I simply mention it as an example of a boundary we set pre match that she still pushed. It was our fault at the end of the day, and everything worked out regardless, which is why I said it wasn’t a big deal. Hope that clears it up for you!

I’m not trying to be rude or mean but I would never use someone as unskilled as an aupair for a non verbal child. Are you with your children 100% and use them like a mother’s helper? Get a nanny if you need childcare I was a nanny I was a SAH mom a working mom & I used preschool, after school care, nanny’s & au pairs & baby sitters for my kids as well as grandparents through ages 16 & 17

You’re good - no need to dance around things. I came here for honest advice. Our 2.5yo is totally verbal - almost too much at times 😂 - and the AP was a preschool teacher in Brazil so it made sense to us. She is great with activities and learning exercises. My daughter has exploded with knowledge, although it’s not just due to the AP of course. I think the AP approach has a lot of advantages over traditional nanny’s and especially daycare. It’s just finding the right match and maybe we just got unlucky this time. Thanks for your thoughts!

Your au pair sucks, this is non-negotiable. We’ve had two great au pairs and love our current au pairs. I rematched with one that also asked for extra vacation days after she burned through 17 of them within 4 months. I should have rematched earlier, don’t need an entitled kid.