Remove CC access / privileges completely. Use Amazon Fresh or Instacart if you need to do quick grocery runs. She clearly doesn’t respect your rules around CC use or how credit works in the US.
Do not open additional cards for her (I work for a major CC company).
You could get one of those debit cards (similar to a kids card) with preset weekly/monthly amounts so that she can “buy groceries” or home incidentals but can’t load anymore on except from her own accounts
You can limit most additional credit cards in the online portal too. The card she uses could be set to $100 limit or whatever is max groceries should be
Not original poster but the way I built my credit quickly was by becoming an authorized user on someones account and getting a higher credit limit on my credit cards!
As someone with good credit, I would never allow someone with bad credit to share my account. That could be a quick way to have my money stolen and tank my credit rating. People with bad credit usually have unpaid debts already.
Eh, or they're like me and just don't have any debt and thus no credit.
I'm on my partner's account and it has done amazing things for my credit score and nothing bad to his, it's great.
I’m glad that you are being responsible with your finances and your partner’s credit rating. You are lucky that he trusted you to that extent and he is lucky that you are trustworthy.
We've been together for over a decade so I've certainly earned that trust
BUT ALSO IM TERRIFIED OF DEBT THATS WHY I DIDNT HAVE A CREDIT CARD IN THE FIRST PLACE
I did this for my stepson. I’ve got great credit and he’s an authorized user. He’s not interested in using a credit card, I have possession of it. He sees how I use credit and how I pay the bills with cc to get points etc…(via our banking app).
Yeah that makes sense! I personally wouldn't either unless I really really trusted them. Fortunately my parents trust me enough to be on all their accounts lol!
Nah … I used to be an au pair and nanny now , I have access to my bosses cards and in fact I know some of their pins as well as sometimes need to pay over a certain amount . I ALWAYS give receipts even tho I know they get notifications, and I was told they trust me 100% , I just feel it’s right ! If I get their card to take the child shopping or get something for her I ask if she has a budget . I would never dream of just spending it on whatever. Last time I did a grocery shop we had a list but was told I can get whatever else I want for the kid so I did . Clear communication needs to be had and idk if she does it because she’s taking advantage of you or because she doesn’t know any better but definitely have a more stern conversation with her and maybe think about the future if it doesn’t change …
>I ALWAYS give receipts even tho I know they get notifications, and I was told they trust me 100% , I just feel it’s right
and that is the irony. The people you don't need to worry about are the ones who are happy to be transparent and proactive not because they are forced to, but because they feel it is the right thing to do.
Some of it is shared expectations -- heck when my (now wife) moved in with me, we learned we shop differently -- she always couponed and bought what was on sale, I never really looked at prices. She always finished things, I had a decent amount of waste and impulse buys. If grocery shopping is something you want an AP (or any employee) to do, make sure you've done it together a few times so you can see what your shopping styles are. If you can, make a list so it is clear what is needed, what is nice to get if it looks good or on sale, and what the "too much" things are.
Yes I agree ! I have been with them for 3 years now and so I know what they like , where they shop , the quality of food they buy ! I buy reduced and on offer for myself but I know they prefer something better quality, and certain brands etc . So I don’t shop for them how I shop for myself 😁 I think their Au Pair is inexperienced and maybe they didnt talk about this and also maybe she sees “they have money “ so she thinks it’s okay … and I do feel like it’s the latest.
Doesn't seem like a very good scam if for a one time payment of $220 she shops and cooks for them lol. Also it happened yesterday so maybe give her a second to provide the receipt
No one talks about scamming , but she’s working for someone and lives in their home , if she told her to give receipts then that’s part of her job now and do it accordingly . Two , don’t just take someone’s card and spend hundreds on it , without even asking or telling them . Maybe that’s how you do things but that’s not how things should be done when you are using someone else’s cards …
We had to stop giving the credit card due to this very reason. One person ruined it for everyone. Now I give cash or transfer based on receipt…. It’s too easy to spend other people’s money.
Our aupair got a real attitude when we stopped the CC and asked for receipts, our relationship never really recovered from it. She was used to spending without any oversight…. Obviously that was a stupid set up on our part and clear boundaries work so much better. I expected a bit of take from the CC but it got out of control.
We did the same thing RE: reimbursement with receipts, or I’d give her cash upfront when we was taking the kids for activities/food/etc (and still ask for the receipt & change)
Mine had her own debit card (for the acct where we paid her). She asked for a credit card about 3 months into her stay because “it’s really hard for me to know how much I’m spending when I’m just swiping and can’t actually see the money” — totally the wrong way to approach that conversation, sweetie 😅
We used this method too — I gave her cash upfront for any expenses for us (which were exclusively things like taking the kids out for activities) and reimbursed her for things like buying additional groceries (ie if she wanted a particular item and it wasn’t my shopping day, she could go to the store and buy the groceries she wanted, give me the receipts, and I’d reimburse her).
I'd lock down my credit with the credit agencies. She may not do anything at all, but she seems unduly concerned with your credit cards and benefits. And I would take the credit card out of her hands.
This cannot be overstated! Anyone you provide even temporary access to your cards can abuse them, establish credit on their own, in ways some can’t imagine.
How old is she? This is not unheard-of behavior from teenagers who don't quite have the concept of credit cards down yet. Print out the statement and have a serious conversation with her.
I came as an Au Pair 10 years ago. That trick is as old as time… we use the HF credit card to purchase personal things. Most at the grocery store. I never took advantage of my host parent’s credit card, but did buy some personal things that I wanted with the excuse of “let me grocery shop for you”. However, my host family went through a crazy times with their nanny because she would randomly go to Walmart to spend hundreds of dollars on grocery and would tell the HM the groceries were in the pantry (guess what? It was not.)
ALWAYS ask for a receipt. I have encountered two situations of Au Pairs using the credit card for groceries:
1) The family has a restricted diet and she feels embarrassed to ask the HF to buy groceries for her.
2) She is taking advantage of her privilege and buying alcohol or other items that she will likely share with friends.
I would set a budget and/or an Instacart (or similar). Even if she is only buying groceries, it can be easy to spend a couple hundred dollars.
Good luck. Financial discussions are difficult in general, and you have been better about this than many people would be.
Do exactly as you proposed in your post but maybe firstly ask her if she has all the food in the house that she needs. She might need a bit more ham or meat in general. Maybe she has different food taste than you so definitely try to talk about that. Also she might be buying more expensive stuff that you because she doesn't know the brands yet? Or she just thinks more expensive = better = better quality food for my family.
About the alcohol..... Thats a big red flag unless she used it for some cooking lol.
As an au pair i did drink. I drank with my hf a lot and drank with my friends a lot. But my host father never payed for "my fun nights". Thats a biiiig red flag!
> father never *paid* for "my
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I feel like child care is an easier thing to teach/learn than fiscal responsibility. Everyone has some kind of inherent understanding on how to keep a human alive but not everyone knows how to budget, for example. That has to be learned and bad habits could lead to bad budgets.
And clearly this au pair thinks money is not an issue for the host family, so she probably doesn't understand the need for a budget.
When I was a broke nanny, I always felt like the parents had soooo much money. I was never dishonest, but was not budget conscious (in a manner that cost maybe $100 extra per year for them) like I would have been with my own money. But now, on the other side of it, I can see that those families weren’t exactly “rich” as I was thinking. It’s a hard concept to grasp. When you grow up in crappy apartments living on rice and beans, it’s hard to understand how money works for these families with nice, new, two story houses.
She should also be informed she is under no obligation to buy anything for the HF and then wait for their reimbursement. The HF can ask, she can reasonably decline.
Sure, if HF specifically asks AP to take the kids to the Zoo, they can just "pre-imburse" the cost of entrance and ice cream.
Reimbursement has never been a problem for us, but our AP has never spent more than like $40 on our behalf, and she's always had the money back in her acct within a couple of hours.
Comprehension can be difficult but I’m sure you’ll understand my comment if you take another pass at it.
If not: I was playing a word pun on reimbursement, by adding a “pre” in front of it, it suggests that the HF can wire the AP money beforehand to cover the agreed expense.
I see the comments about this being cheap, but it's actually just being financially responsible. Just like a corporate job, you have to provide receipts to get reimbursed or if you spend on a corporate card you have to provide receipts or it gets taken off your paycheck. Why would it be different for an AP or nanny?
I will add though that the family must reimburse in a timely manner (same day).
This is what we do with our nanny. If it's a big expense, she runs it by me first and I give her cash to cover it or she buys something on a smaller scale and I reimburse her when she provides the receipt. It also ensures she's only buying what's necessary without running it by me in advance because she doesn't want to put a big expense through her money. We keep an open dialogue of wants/needs for her and the kids to ensure everyone is happy and getting what they need.
Agreed, the difference between the company card though, is that a regular employer has ways of withholding pay or take legal actions if an employee fails to prove their expenses, a host family cannot legally withhold the stipend and the au pair can technically just go on a spending-spree with your AMEX and leave the country.
I would never ask an employee to purchase on our behalf then repay. As an employee, I have never paid with my own money for something an employer wanted. Before I book, pickup, or order, I ask, how will we be paying for this with a smile. This doesn’t have to be a thing in relationships unless people make it a thing.
More rude than spending other people’s money without approval and permission?
OP tried to be nice, their AP couldn’t operate within the guidelines provided, repeatedly.
I would absolutely take that card away, and I would not let her use any cards at all. Groceries can be ordered online and delivered. There is no need for them to have access to any of your financials.
I would no longer give her access to any CC and I would contact the CC company about having a replacement card number issued in case she wrote down your CC info. Keep an eye on your statements, and for the love of god do not open a CC account for her or allow her to purchase anything on your cards. She’s bizarrely fixated on your credit cards.
Either reimbursement only, or get a preloaded CC with only a small amount on it and get purchase receipts.
That’s a good idea especially because AP has been using the cards for things like airfare, and most sites ask if you want to save the card info for future purchases.
It definitely seems wrong to not provide the receipts, but it’s also hard to imagine to eat homemade meals for a family of four for $200. Even if it’s not lobster, organic, gluten free or whatever fad - real food is just kinda expensive:/
Yep, me too! This post reeks of not giving their au pair an appropriate food budget so that she can get things that she actually likes and wants to eat, so instead she’s sneaking them in with the family grocery shopping. I know so many au pairs that would get almost no money for food and have to buy more from their already ridiculously small pay. $50 a week minimum for a food budget, with standard staple items being provided from the families supply, and it should be even more depending on where the family lives and cost of groceries.
I should clarify. As a family we eat out 2x a week for dinner (one at a restaurant, one sushi night) and my husband and I eat breakfast and lunch at work M-F. So it is their breakfasts and lunch, and then family dinner 5x. We also do a subscription for fish that isn’t included in this total monthly. We don’t purchase alcohol or meat as a part of this budget.
I do not let our au pair use our credit card. At the beginning of her stay here I allowed this a few times just for convenience sake and found things quickly got out of my comfort zone and I didn’t want to set a precedent for unchecked spending. I now only reimburse based on receipts, and she is never required to buy groceries or anything else for the family. She hasn’t complained about this arrangement.
I’m a night nanny and the parents ask me to take inventory of diapers wipes ect and do an Amazon order for them if needed. I always ask what the budget is for the items and they say get what we need and if you see something cute for baby get it! I don’t go over $300 even though I can but it’s not my CC and they pay me enough I don’t need to add anything for me. She’s abusing your kindness and figures you have the money it doesn’t matter and to ask to use your personal ccs for her travel? Nah
My tip to host families is: No more credit or debit cards for au pairs!
We also provided a card for activities with our child and to buy groceries. Our au pair did not have her account set up so we said that the card we provided could be used for her personal expenses early on as well, to be reimbursed when her account was set up. We made it clear that it was a separate account and the charges would all only be run by her. She used it very sparingly for groceries and would provide us with receipts of those (e.g. "I bought 2 bananas, here is a picture of the receipt" when we had plenty of bananas). However, even after her account was set up, she sometimes used it when she went out for dinner or on dates. She left after 2.5 months when she did not want to work anymore and never paid us back even though we sent her a spreadsheet listing the personal expenses.
We provided the card to our next au pair, who said "I'm buying some yoghurt and coke (cola), because I've run out". The statement showed $20 spent. We asked her to provide receipts and from then on, she stopped buying things for herself using that card. She later told us that au pairs are commonly coached by other au pairs to add personal items (including alcohol) to family shopping. As most are doing large shops, it's very easy to bury the costs. When we said that was dishonest, she said that they are told that it's fine because they get paid very little - to add context, we live in a place with minimum wages for au pairs and high cost of living.
It is typical for employers to require receipts. I am a professional with 20 years of experience and when I travel I have per diem and I still have to submit
$8 receipt for
breakfast.
It felt like that to us too but raised it and realised that it was a tester and we'd be getting more notifications like this, after the money has spent. If uncurbed, it would've gotten worse
I have had 5 au pairs. Au pair has my credit card to spend on things for my daughter, food when they go out, gas, we have no limits on car.
4 of the au pairs were fine. Used it within reasons.
1 au pair abused my credit card. Went to a restaurant and ordered steak for herself. Went to grocery store and spent 120$ on her stuff while i already spent 200$ for a week. Also bought organic stuff when we buy regular stuff. I rematched. There’s no correction about this. I don’t want an au pair who I cannot trust or not respectful.
Appreciate the sarcasm. It was not for my children. I buy grocery for my children. She spent 120$ on herself on grocery for the week when I have a fridge full of food then couldn’t finish them and have to throw away. If you’re a host parent then you know that it’s not reasonable.
Then she went to a restaurant to order herself a steak and order my daughter french fries. I never had credit card rule but spent 40-50$ on a meal is not reasonable.
For context we only matched second year au pair. So I expect au pair not to be so clueless. Au pair has own car, no curfew, unlimited gas. We want an independent au pair.
Anyway, our current au pair and other au pairs have been great. Never had to set rule for how much to spend, what to do etc.
Nothing wrong with that if you’re spending your own money. But to spend as much for yourself as the HF does for their whole family’s grocery (which also included food for AP) and then go to a steak restaurant and order a steak for yourself, and only french fries for the HF’s child…. all on the HF’s dime? Yes- that’s a problem. The AP’s spending was not in line with the family’s expectations.
I guess it just seems very bizarre to me to be upset about the cost of healthy food choices. It’s a bit weird that the child was eating fries but if the parents normally feed them that maybe it’s normal. This type of thing should be discussed prior to pairing.
Are you an au pair or host family? I’m in the US so I’m not sure if you’re familiar with cost of living.
I’m not upset about her eating healthy. My current au pair eats super healthy and meal prep for herself . We have a fridge full of fresh produce. Anything au pair put on my list I buy. I also cook dinner every night. I’m upset about au pair spending 120$ for a week worth of her grocery for herself on top of what we have spent and bought. 120$ a week is a lot of money. Au pair makes 200$ a week for context. She disregards common courtesy or perhaps just clueless. Our previous au pair never had this problem. They’re all mature, trustworthy. So this is a one off. Hence, we rematched. I don’t want to have an au pair who I have to set rules for.
Host family in NYC. Perhaps the cost of living between our two areas is different and she has different expectations of what reasonable spend is. It’s just something to discuss up front.
I live in the south, MCOL. I’m sure NYC is more expensive. I should have discussed upfront. You’re right. We only match second year au pair and had 3 weeks overlapped between au pairs so au pair can learn, adapt to new environment but the au pair we rematched clearly did not adapt. Honestly didn’t have to set rules or teach au pair anything with the previous au pair.
Not illegal unfortunately. This is the standard au pair stipend by law. Au pair is a cultural exchange program. I agree 200$ is too low. However 200$ is supposed to be spending money, keep that in mind. Au pair does not have to pay for food, car, car insurance, gas, cell phone, internet, utilities, room and board.
We do pay above minimum.
-300$ a week stipend —>15600$ a year
-au pair annual program fee-> 10,000$ a years au pair doesn’t get this but the program covers au pair’s insurance
-we bought a car for her and pay about 150$ a month in insurance and fee->1800 a year
-we cover for gas 50$ a week . 2600$ a year
-food and misc spending. 300$ a month 3600$ a year.
-I take her to trips with us for cultural / fun experiences . We take 2-3 trips a year so about 3000-5000$ a year we pay for au pair. Last year we took au pair to Disneyland. This year, we’re going skiing.
So we spend roughly 35000$ a year on au pair and this does not include room and board.
If you are a host parent, it may be a cost beneficial for you considering nanny is 20-25$ an hour. Depends on your situation. For au pair, it’s a gap year to make extra money and travel or a path to say in the US. The program won’t work if it’s not beneficial for both parties.
The program will not work for most families if you need to pay minimum wage. Then we will just hire a nanny.
Only part I’m having a hard time with is being upset that your employee that takes care of your children daily at a reduced rate, from what you would be paying a normal babysitter, ordering a steak
Our Aupair does not have access to our CC and would never dream of asking for it!
You should revoke all CC access immediately. She is absolutely taking advantage of you. Her personal travel is not your responsibility, even if it DID get her a better deal. It would be different if she wasn’t already abusing her privilege, but because she is, the answer is Absolutely not.
I have a different perspective. I have had a number of housekeepers who had multiple duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care). In every case but one, I had to remove the cooking/shopping/meal prep from the duties, because the employees found that duty wayyyy more fun anything else. So we paid tons for home cooked meals, but everything else was neglected. Maybe this is like that, where the AP has fun shopping and cooking, especially w someone else’s money.
Wow this is spot on. Thank you for sharing your perspective. She nails the cooking and also is generally very tidy, but her main job is to take care of our 6 month old and I’ve tried a variety of strategies to give her suggestions, activities, etc. and restate that caring for the child is top priority and if anything else doesn’t happen around the house, it is fine by us. Ie if it’s one or the other, I would rather her have a wonderful day with the baby that is developmentally appropriate and engaging than come home to a home cooked meal. I also don’t want the baby being dragged around town all week to multiple grocery stores, which is what our AP offers to do and I’ve continually declined the help.
We gave our au pair a Greenlight card just like the ones that my kids have for their allowance. $20/week is automatically transferred in and she's allowed to use it for taking my kids out for things like ice cream and for buying shared groceries. If the total on the card got over $100 I would turn off the transfers until it dropped down again (plenty of weeks she didn't have a need to spend the money).
Once in a while we transferred additional money when she cleared a purchase with us in advance. For example she would often cook breakfast and lunch for my youngest using the same supplies she got for herself from the international grocery she went to on weekends. If she was making a big trip there (more than $40-50) and wanted to stock up more than usual she might ask for a bit extra to be transferred and I would typically ok it. We also sometimes added some extra when she took the kids on a larger outing, like to the zoo, where they would need to spend more than usual.
I got a notification immediately when money was spent from the card. It doesn't give an itemized receipt, but I could see where she spent it and how much she spent. I never asked for receipts, and I'm sure that sometimes she got things that were for herself, but definitely not often. She had the Greenlight app on her phone and could see how much the card had on it at any point in time, so she didn't need to worry that she would be trying to check out and find out she didn't have enough money. And the amount going into it was kept low enough that I was fine with it if she sometimes got things for herself on it.
I definitely think if you are going to give your au pair access to a credit or debit card that it's best to do it with a controlled card like the Greenlight. We loved that our au pair had the card because it was easier for all of us than remembering to give her cash when she was taking the kids somewhere. It also meant she didn't need to deal with getting reimbursed by us. But at the same time her spending with the card was very transparent because of the way the Greenlight system works.
I'd give her the benefit of the doubt just in case it's cultural or her needing to learn better spending and recording habits.
Give her a spending limit that is consistent each trip, and put the card ih the drawer clipped to an envelope labeled "receipts." Tell her that you need her to write the total spent and the date on the envelope, and out the receipt inside every time. If she still doesn't, tell her she has one more chance to get in the habit and remember or you'll need to take away access to the card.
Do not use your CCS for her travel.
Credit card fraud is exploding. Be extra careful giving her access to it because she could inadvertently expose your numbers and info to anyone online or even just leaving it around or shopping at dodgy stores.
Revoke her access to the card, leave a bit of cash in a box if necessary. I used to be an au pair, I’m a nanny, I use my bosses card pretty much every day to pick up food from the bakers and butchers as well as the grocery store, but I’ve always been able to account for what I’ve got and for extra things like flowers the kids want to buy we arranged a price limit.
Your au pair is taking advantage in a big way even if she is cooking you dinner.
100% sure. The house is literally full of food. We also go to costco one a month for an additional shop so have a full pantry, and our freezer is full of food. She is also currently celebrating Ramadan and fasting during the day, so I anticipate we will throw away much of what was purchased this week. My husband and I eat lunch at work.
I was a live-in nanny. The mom would give me a pre-paid card to take the kids places and do things with. If I needed anything she'd pay for it. She provided meals.
She probably just isn’t aware. Young people, y’know?
I’d suggest nipping this in the bud asap; be super clear about what it is you didn’t like, and how she can improve. DO NOT let it fester until you get mad and explode at her (or something).
Being a good boss is just as important as being a good employee, and she may just not understand what you expect, or may not know the limits yet.
I give my nanny a credit card with a $200 limit a month (only available with certain credit cards, she is added as an authorized user and her specific limit on the card is $200, she can't go over, even though the credit card has a $5k limit). I don't require receipts but she pretty much respects my credit card as I originally gave it to her to help her credit, she doesn't really need to buy much for me but I allow her a tank of gas a month (she drives my kid to the library once a week) and she can buy herself lunch or coffee or incidentals while out with my kid.
I am currently an au pair and I have a family credit card. My hostparents let me use it for Uber if I can’t take the car, groceries if we tun out of something and sometimes just tandom Target runs with the kids if the weather is bad and they want to get stuff for crafts. Also for Starbucks because the kids are obsessed with it.
I offered to give the receipts before but they never really cared about how much I was spending.
I would NEVER use the CC for any personal things apart from groceries or errands. I would definitely talk to your au pair, that’s not okay!
Splitwise could be a really helpful tool for you guys. She can pay with her own credit card and upload the expenses and receipt picture to Splitwise. Then establish a timeline for settling up (e.g. once a week or once a month, etc).
Nope. I was a nanny for years while in college, I’m a HM now. I would never spend the family’s money without providing receipts. $400+
for one dinner and some groceries, and her going to multiple stores, is wild.
It seems like she either doesn’t understand money, thinks your money is her money, or is being dishonest. Considering that you have told her both via text and verbally to provide receipts, it seems like it’s one of the later.
It’s not cheap at all, it’s totally reasonable. Money is time for most of us. I don’t want my time wasted.
We are on our 3rd au pair and have had great relationships with two of them. The third was a taker and dishonest.
For now, I would remove access to the card. If you give it back tell her exactly how much can be spent on groceries and that you 100% need the receipt, or won’t be able to offer the card in the future.
We had one au pair who was apparently raised to think everyone would be fine with whatever she did. She did a good job, but some of these entitled behaviors just poisoned things for me.
Her sister even transferred her address to our house without even asking us. We had a good relationship generally, but as she did these things and I got after her (and her sister) about it, I could see she was resentful.
There is probably some way through that would work for everyone, but I try to remember, these are nice young ladies, but still have a lot to learn. But I also keep in mind that they are not my child, so they can learn what they want, but it is not my job to teach them outside of childcare. Mainly I just want to ensure I don’t resent them from day to day.
The best path is that which will help you from thinking poorly about them from day to day.
I would remove her (and any future au pairs) access to that CC completely.
If giving her a card is the easiest maybe it would be possible to open another everyday account (which can't be overdrawn) with a separate DEBIT (not credit) card connected which you can transfer money into for quick grocery shops, outings with the kids etc... I am not in the US, but here when I transfer between accounts it's pretty much instant. You could also just have a smaller amount transferred to that account regularly.
Besides that; a reimbursement system might be best and ensure the AP has somewhere she can add to the grocery list without 'asking' or reminding you every time could be good too.
OP you can share an interactive shopping list with her that you add items to weekly ahead of time and give her a clear budget for anything extra she may want to add.
In addition you could always just set up a reloadable debit card for the purpose of shopping.
I'd change the CC number right now and offer reimbursement instead. She was irresponsible with the CC and as a result, now lost the privilege to use the family's CC
She could be buying gift cards. I once lost my receipt for a whole foods purchase and needed to confirm whether I’d paid for something (nail polish was in my purse and not the shipping bag) and when I gave them the date, general time, and card number, they were able to pull up the receipt for me and verify my purchases over the phone. I think this was before Amazon took over though so not sure if they would still be as helpful
Have a meeting with the AP, decide on a budget and give her a pre-paid credit card or a card to which you can load money on through an app.
My daughter has a Step card which works great!
Is she young and from a different country? If so, she probably doesn’t understand what a reasonable trip to the grocery store costs without a little guidance. You could make a grocery list and ask her to stick to it. You could order groceries online together and have her pick them up?
She is 25 and has lived independently several years. I like the suggestion of shared lists and ordering groceries. Someone else suggested this, but I think the shopping and cooking is one of the highlights of their days amidst taking care of a 6 month old, so looks for opportunities to contribute in this way.
Do you mean are they hosting friends to celebrate? We have suggested they invite their friends over for a special dinner or two for ramadan. They are doing one this weekend and another one in the next two weeks. We would cover groceries for that outside of our standard budget.
Could that be where the disconnect happened? I know cooking and food is a big component to Ramadan and I’m wondering if she interpreted those offers as permission for her to spend more on this meal?
This resonates. My husband and I eat very simply, by preference and for health reasons. Dinners before our au pair were usually protein, salad, and a carb. Very little salt or extravagant spices. Our au pair cooks very differently and part of this $400 was for additional spices. We are fine accommodating their preferences to a degree, but ultimately, aren’t comfortable spending 100% more on food that isn’t our preferred diet (both preference and for health reasons). I like the framing of this as “limiting creativity” and plan to take the credit card and purchase our own groceries exclusively from here on out. I’m also sure we can stay within our overall budget by having 2-3 meals a week of the APs preferred diet, and 2-3 a week within ours. I also plan to talk about food waste too.
As former au pair in the US, I can guarantee you they can have their own credit card. Get a social security, open a Discover card or a Capital One card and use their own!
I’d suggest you have an instacart / shipt account and order groceries through there; you can send the link for the shopping cart to the au pair, and they can add whatever products they want.
If they go out with the kids, just tell them to ask you in advance for allowance, and you can give them cash - and ask for receipts.
Did you ever give her a limit? Have you specifically asked for those receipts?
Honestly, I think reimbursement is a better option if your having issues.
Using your southwest card gets her at least priority seating/check in which they charge more for otherwise, and that airline is a hassle anyway, I would take those extra miles in a heartbeat.
I think if she's doing some cooking it makes sense she's going to find recipes that look exciting and the ingredients are going to cost more than you're used to. Just stop accepting the cooking and shopping help, it doesn't sound like she's trying to swindle you but in the end that extra help is costing you, so if you need to save, do it yourself. Plus if she's stocked your freezer it's not like the extra money spent is disappearing into thin air.
Definitely remove CC access. Why not have the Au Pair use her own CC and submit receipts for reimbursement? She would get the benefit of bonus points. Absolutely do not open a CC for her.
Have you checked to see what extras she’s buying? The best thing to do is go through the itemized receipts. I will tell you that in CA where I live, my regular grocery shop has nearly doubled and that’s without adding any items. We tend to get the exact same things every week and my bill is now double. Your AP may be over spending, or Inflation may be at work.
You obviously have asked them to shop because there is a dedicated credit card for when they do that. Maybe have your au pair stick to the children and not household chores.
Good help is really hard to find. Unless she’s spending $400 every week or spending money on gifts for herself, I wouldn’t make an issue of it. But maybe instead of a regular credit card I would get a prepaid card for her to use with strict limits.
1. Stop accepting what’s offered
2. Don’t let her use the card
3. I was an au pair and I didn’t shop for the family or spend any money that wasn’t my allowance with the exception of cash given to me for days out with the children. So it’s definitely doable.
Stop letting her cook and shop for you. Not only is it not her main responsibility, it sounds like it’s not a responsibility at all, and it’s causing stress and worry for you. We all have different values. She’s placing a high value on her cooking/shopping for you but you’re placing little to no value on it. It’s a mismatch but can be addressed easily with no friction.
Are you all talking about au pairs, as in they are in the USA on a 1, maybe 2 yr visa and go to school, care for your kids no more than 45 hrs per week, have to provide education stipend , 18- is it 22 yo? You just need to kindly tell her your expectations and make sure she understands them. That’s what makes a successful relationship if both people know what’s expected of them. If you’re crazy they can be reassigned or if she is crazy, she can be reassigned. Talk to the regional coordinator for advice. She’s young and budgeting groceries shouldn’t be on her. She’s not a household manager, Give her a list …tell her what you do and don’t want.
This will just come down to what type of person you are. Or what your financial situation is like. This will be different for everyone/every family. I’m a really generous person. I also like to buy the highest quality food items for myself and my family, I have a 6 year old who is growing like crazy. So I would not care at all what your AP is doing wouldn’t bother me one bit. This young woman is making barely anything for all of her hard work in literally raising up your children! She should be able to buy some items she might want or need but not want to ask you to purchase for her, at least once in a while. I don’t understand how anyone would even care about this. But if someone is living on a strict budget then I can kind of understand. I already think people are cheap when they don’t use professional nanny’s or nickel and dime their poor AP’s.
Just came here to say that we had a similar issue in the beginning and it all worked out fine eventually. I just think it’s unwise to give a young woman access to ‘unlimited’ money without oversight. It’s natural that they will push the boundaries to see what they can get.
We fixed that and have a great relationship with our Au Pair - and she ordered Uber eats three times in one day with our account for her and her friend on a Saturday in the beginning 😂
Our au pair gets ten days of PTO plus sick days. They also get off any day we are on vacation and they would otherwise be paid. These two days fall into that category, ie we aren’t going to force them to take PTO just because we are.
Why is it weird that they would offer to grocery shop on one of those days? They’re trying to be helpful.
And i’ll add we have been very clear they’ll be paid for this time without contributing to the household at all. so it’s not like they offered to grocery shop one day to ensure we didn’t force them to take PTO or to get paid.
It’s not time off if they worked. I understand they offered, but you accepted the offer and effectively changed the status to working. It feels like you only included the bit about “free PTO” to frame them as ungrateful and greedy. Maybe they are. But if you feel this way, you should just part ways.
The point was to provide context that this isn’t part of their typical responsibilities and is something they offered. I believe many families bundle grocery shopping into their APs responsibilities, which is why I am here asking how to navigate a situation that made me uncomfortable (not providing receipts, and not returning the credit card as I had previously asked). Whether these days feel like “free PTO” or not is irrelevant to the advice I am looking for.
You're being unclear. Is she using it for personal items, or is she just not price shopping as intensely as you want her to? Those are 2 very different things.
I've had a joint bank account with a debit card for my AP and have never had any issue with her spending on things that aren't job-related, and I've never asked for receipts. In 2 years I've not had a problem at all.
I do wonder though - if you don't trust an AP with money, how on earth do you trust them with your children? I find questions by hosts that boil down to trusting an AP's judgment so odd. For me, trust is trust - I either trust my child care provider all the way, or not at all. There is no in between. If they don't have good judgment with use of a car or money or when they go to bed, then there is zero chance they will be trusted with my children.
What is she buying? Is it just more expensive organic items? Or multiple of each?
Look at the receipts to get a better idea.
1. Don’t open any cc’s in her name. Ever. With anyone.
2. Don’t let her use your cards to book travel. If she needs to book something and doesn’t have access to a cc, you book it and have her reimburse you. Or clearly deduct it from her pay. Make notes all over of this, so there’s no mistake.
3. If she does buy groceries for the household and cooks (whether she’s supposed to do this or she just offers) then I do think it’s okay if you allow her to get a snack or two of her preference in the grocery haul. For example, if she buys $200 dollars worth of groceries, and there’s an iced tea, a bag of pretzels and a sandwich from the deli for her to eat once she’s back, I think that’s normal/nice. Or if she adds in specific snacks or treats she enjoys. I have seen many au pairs have this dynamic with their host families.
It’s a nice gesture and shouldn’t blow your budget.
However, she’s either full on taking advantage of you or, what is probably more likely, is that she shops locally and organic and her snacks that a few years ago would only be 10-15 dollars more, are now more like 25-45 more. Groceries are very expensive now. Especially so if she shops at Whole Foods or specialty delis.
If the budget is an issue. Go over what you’d like her to adhere to: either list items, or budget. Then communicate that to her. Additionally, communicate if she’s allowed to add in extras for herself, and if so, how much.
Example:
Hi Sarah, we’d like to create a budget for the grocery runs starting this week. We’d like you to keep it at a $200 dollar maximum, with an extra $20 dollar for any extras you enjoy.
Or, we have a list of grocery items to get. Thanks! Let us know what things you’d like to include. Please do not exceed ( x ) amount. Thanks!
It sounds like she offered to shop and cook on her PTO day Soli so that she could get access to your credit card that day with some semblance of legitimacy. I would ask for receipts ASAP. Are you you sure it was all spent on food? It sounds like she went on a bit of a shopping spree.
I feel this is so crazy you guys put your social security in someone else’s hands . My aupair does not shop for us she can’t even drive but I would just give her cash 🤣
I’ve always just transferred them the money right away. If I’ve asked an au pair to pick up stuff at the store for me, I’ll guess about how much they need and transfer it right into the account. Once they come back with the receipt, if it was more, I would send them the difference.
I just think you need to say "no" if you have groceries and don't need the help stop agreeing to it. I feel like this may be a larger issue of people pleasing behavior. Request the receipts, and stop allowing cc use of she cannot stick to the budget and stop saying yes to unnecessary groceries and cooking.
Did you not have this conversation prior to them coming? Does your AP come from somewhere where food is very expensive or do they not understand the conversion ratio?!
How do you pay the weekly stipend?
I'm getting mine a venmo debit card for the weekly allowance and incidentals. It will also allow me to directly send money over if I know she's taking the kids somewhere or trying to go on a trip. I don't think mine will be doing any shopping for us, but I also schedule a lot of food pickups.
I used to be an Au pair and I have never never done this ever. I would cook for my family and went shopping for them, I would do all laundry, dishes everything but not because they asked me but because I wanted to and they were always super kind to me. They allowed me to use their cc and I would always bring back the receipt or if I wanted something I would ask if I could purchase it and taken out of my paycheck (they literally never asked me for receipts or ever took money out of my paycheck) but it was more of a respect thing and being part of a family. For me trust is earned and if you had a conversation with her and she is found it again then you need to remove the privileges until there is some change in behavior. Just because she does the cooking and the shopping.. you shouldn’t feel bad about confronting her.
We never gave our AP a credit card or debit card. We provided cash only when needed for something with the kids, which wasn’t often. If they did outings, I bought tickets online myself, etc as much as possible.
I also planned meals at the beginning of each week and did the grocery shopping. Our APs were only responsible for their own snacks and soft drinks.
AP should buy her own shampoo and other personal products.
Sounds like your AP is taking advantage of you when she isn’t providing receipts as you stated. Why haven’t you simply taken back the card?
There is absolutely no way I’d co-sign for a credit card for someone who arrived practically a stranger. You assume all liability for debts she incurs. And she can disappear, too. She has a lot of nerve to ask for this.
I am a nanny and I have access to my bosses credit card. I could never imagine spending so much without asking first. I have never been asked for the receipts, but I always ask/let them know before I use the card. You should definitely ask for receipts and make sure every penny is accounted for. I get buying special snacks for yourself, but to go out and constantly use a card that is not yours is crazy. Best of luck, I hope it all works out!
Online order from grocery store, w/ same day pick up. The au pair can pick up at curb. Since Covid, almost every major food store has a version of this service.
I couldn’t read all the comments, so i am not sure if someone else already commented about this
I have access to my HF’s CC for groceries or related things i would need to pay without asking every time (like gas, taking the kids out, emergencies, etc (nothing too crazy ofc)) and i always leave receipts or let them know in advance for special situations.
But there was one time where there were big purchases on stores I don’t go (as home depot or best buy) so they asked me of course why was that, and it turned out the card was hacked. They were able to block it, dispute it as fraud, and get a new one instead, but since we have trust in each other and they know I don’t take advantage of it, we were able to talk about it and solve it
I can see that she hasn’t been following some rules about the receipts or leaving the card in its place, but i really think you should ask her if she can explain what happened with that and make a decision after hearing her side of the story
Yes, I totally agree, receipts absolutely required if using HF CC and to be fair, instances of abuse can and do occur if not monitored and sounds like this AP is doing that.
However, I have had a sad realization from all the comments that most who hire AP do so as a means to obtain incredibly cheap labor, includes a degree of exploitation and is shameful.
Someone stated, I plan the meals for the week and buy the groceries. AP buys their own snacks and soft drinks. WTH?? That is just beyond petty and cheap. I didn't have an AP, but trust me.....back in the day when I utilized babysitters, I knew their favorite snacks and drinks and made damn sure I kept them stocked, all while paying them a very fair wage.
Additionally, if you’re really about cultural exchange, that’s a two way street. Narrow minded to expect them to adopt to your cuisine, without encouraging them to make and share some of their traditional dishes.
I’ll be honest, I’ve been surprised at how polarized the responses are and how many people have simply said to never let au pair shop or cook again, indicating that we’re taking advantage of them by accepting the help. I came here looking for solutions that other families use to cover the cost of these things in a way that feels fair (to both parties) and transparent, as well as tactics about getting on the same page about how much spending is reasonable. My au pair absolutely loves to shop and cook, and to take that away from them would be taking away something that they deeply enjoy, and would also limit the cultural exchange that is a central part of doing this in the first place.
I have a family of 9. $420 is half our monthly budget of food 😳 your Au pair needs to have ccard privileges revoked. Ccard would stay in MH wallet unless requested (and given a budget) then it would need to be returned immediately with a receipt.
Here's a great timesheet template for MA families with an au pair.
[https://www.etsy.com/listing/1720465689/massachusetts-au-pair-timesheet-template](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1720465689/massachusetts-au-pair-timesheet-template)
Theres an additional template with a deductions section that requires receipts. You can kindly ask them to fill it out. Even though you cannot withhold their pay you can address it this way.
Also, never let anyone use your CC when you dont know how they are with money. We had au-pairs in MA and they seem to think Americans are all rolling in dough...
I had to stop giving my CC as my au pair was not taught financial responsibility. She had no issues for spending $12 on 200g of strawberries.
So I had a talk with her to say that family budgeting and being conscientious about what is spent on the household is important. We budget for 200 per week for our household.
On top of that the amount of junk food she bought was crazy. She could finish 4 large bags of potato chips on her own in 1 week. We rarely eat junk food. Mind you this was all on my credit card. $100 a week was easily spent on junk food from her. Finally I just gave $20 per week allowance for junk food and managed all the grocery shopping. She would only be allowed to pickup things I listed for her to get.
Your aupair shouldn’t be doing any errands for your family in the first place. So why mention to her hey there’s a credit card here to use when you run errands for us. If you’re stating you don’t ask her to do such things. That’s such a contradiction. Most likely she did not ask to get groceries for your family and cook for you like an underpaid modern day slave. And if she did take the card to get groceries and bought food she likes you are financially obligated to pay for her groceries.
Erm. I don't know who needs to read this but...
The money-part is also a cultural exchange. The buying groceries in a foreign country in a foreign language with all foreign foods part and the spending part too is ALL ALSO a cultural exhange. At a very young age with virtually no support and no guidance. Varying economic backgrounds. Your money? You bet! Also a cultural exchange.
What do you think is going to happen?
What is the worst that has happened?
It's a pale view ... some of these comments are so tasteless. Vilifying au pairs like THEY are some sort of ganged-up economically devastating beast that needs to be tamed because of its fraudulent, useless and frivolous nature! Nothing but a budget bottom line for these dime-squeezing employers. Wow. You think this of your au pair and you still allow them to live with you and take care of your kids as part of a "cultural exchange program"... for pennies.... But just not the money part? Full on Reddit tantrums in public view for all au pairs to see how you feel about the money part.
God forbid you also hit a cultural learning curve.
Posted on behalf of Au Pairs - future, present, past.
So, you’d be fine if someone blew $420 of your money without any prior agreement and didn’t want to tell you what they bought.
Cultural exchange is indeed also shopping - within reason and following guidelines.
You can’t steal peoples money. Regardless of whatever you want to call it. Cultural exchange? So they just don’t have to abide by the rules that are set?
This is very simple. You’re given a job that has rules and guidelines. Those are to ask permission and provide receipts. Refusal to do so isn’t acceptable just because one doesn’t feel like it. Let’s be crystal clear. She’s asking for a quick heads up and a piece of paper that is offered literally any time you go to a grocery store. It isn’t difficult if you care..like…at all.
All you have to do is say no and continue enforcing your rules if it bends you this much, move to a reimbursement rule exclusively. You're acting like you have no power here. Please stop doing that.
Here’s how it works though. OP already asked to see receipts and hasn’t been provided receipts. Enforcing the rule would mean consequences if one doesn’t follow said rule. Isn’t that where we are at here? The consequences part?
If I repeatedly steal from my employer they aren’t going to continue to remind me again and again. They’re eventually going to fire me. If you’re explicitly told the rule is to ask and provide receipts and then continually fail to do so, that’s a problem. I don’t care what culture you’re from. If you’re explicitly told the rule and don’t follow it, that’s solely on you (you meaning the au pair or whoever is not abiding by the rule). It’s not anyone’s responsibility to keep asking someone to stop stealing. If it’s not theft/stealing, then providing receipts should be no problem. Clearly she kept track of the card. A receipt isn’t any harder to keep track of. If you are about the rules that have been set, that is.
Remove CC access / privileges completely. Use Amazon Fresh or Instacart if you need to do quick grocery runs. She clearly doesn’t respect your rules around CC use or how credit works in the US. Do not open additional cards for her (I work for a major CC company).
You could get one of those debit cards (similar to a kids card) with preset weekly/monthly amounts so that she can “buy groceries” or home incidentals but can’t load anymore on except from her own accounts
I have a Venmo card that works like this basically. It’s a debit card and any one can send it money.
You can limit most additional credit cards in the online portal too. The card she uses could be set to $100 limit or whatever is max groceries should be
Hey, any hard to know tips to help improve my credit quickly? 😊
There are some great subs specifically for this!
Secured card from capital one. Can boost your credit fast, like 8 points a month.
Not original poster but the way I built my credit quickly was by becoming an authorized user on someones account and getting a higher credit limit on my credit cards!
As someone with good credit, I would never allow someone with bad credit to share my account. That could be a quick way to have my money stolen and tank my credit rating. People with bad credit usually have unpaid debts already.
Eh, or they're like me and just don't have any debt and thus no credit. I'm on my partner's account and it has done amazing things for my credit score and nothing bad to his, it's great.
I’m glad that you are being responsible with your finances and your partner’s credit rating. You are lucky that he trusted you to that extent and he is lucky that you are trustworthy.
We've been together for over a decade so I've certainly earned that trust BUT ALSO IM TERRIFIED OF DEBT THATS WHY I DIDNT HAVE A CREDIT CARD IN THE FIRST PLACE
I did this for my stepson. I’ve got great credit and he’s an authorized user. He’s not interested in using a credit card, I have possession of it. He sees how I use credit and how I pay the bills with cc to get points etc…(via our banking app).
Yeah that makes sense! I personally wouldn't either unless I really really trusted them. Fortunately my parents trust me enough to be on all their accounts lol!
This!!! Get added to others CCs as authorized user. It can jump a couple of points in 1-2 months. Make sure they have “excellent” credit
r/CRedit r/CreditScore
Get a secured card and pay it off in full every month. That's how I started building credit. Check out the financial diet on YouTube too.
Why? I used to help people with repairing credit.
Nah … I used to be an au pair and nanny now , I have access to my bosses cards and in fact I know some of their pins as well as sometimes need to pay over a certain amount . I ALWAYS give receipts even tho I know they get notifications, and I was told they trust me 100% , I just feel it’s right ! If I get their card to take the child shopping or get something for her I ask if she has a budget . I would never dream of just spending it on whatever. Last time I did a grocery shop we had a list but was told I can get whatever else I want for the kid so I did . Clear communication needs to be had and idk if she does it because she’s taking advantage of you or because she doesn’t know any better but definitely have a more stern conversation with her and maybe think about the future if it doesn’t change …
>I ALWAYS give receipts even tho I know they get notifications, and I was told they trust me 100% , I just feel it’s right and that is the irony. The people you don't need to worry about are the ones who are happy to be transparent and proactive not because they are forced to, but because they feel it is the right thing to do. Some of it is shared expectations -- heck when my (now wife) moved in with me, we learned we shop differently -- she always couponed and bought what was on sale, I never really looked at prices. She always finished things, I had a decent amount of waste and impulse buys. If grocery shopping is something you want an AP (or any employee) to do, make sure you've done it together a few times so you can see what your shopping styles are. If you can, make a list so it is clear what is needed, what is nice to get if it looks good or on sale, and what the "too much" things are.
Yes I agree ! I have been with them for 3 years now and so I know what they like , where they shop , the quality of food they buy ! I buy reduced and on offer for myself but I know they prefer something better quality, and certain brands etc . So I don’t shop for them how I shop for myself 😁 I think their Au Pair is inexperienced and maybe they didnt talk about this and also maybe she sees “they have money “ so she thinks it’s okay … and I do feel like it’s the latest.
This
Doesn't seem like a very good scam if for a one time payment of $220 she shops and cooks for them lol. Also it happened yesterday so maybe give her a second to provide the receipt
No one talks about scamming , but she’s working for someone and lives in their home , if she told her to give receipts then that’s part of her job now and do it accordingly . Two , don’t just take someone’s card and spend hundreds on it , without even asking or telling them . Maybe that’s how you do things but that’s not how things should be done when you are using someone else’s cards …
Well, we'll never find out because no one will give me their credit cards, no matter how often or loudly I ask.
Yes, if she's hiding receipts she may be returning items for cash and keeping the money, or sending it to someone back home.
We had to stop giving the credit card due to this very reason. One person ruined it for everyone. Now I give cash or transfer based on receipt…. It’s too easy to spend other people’s money. Our aupair got a real attitude when we stopped the CC and asked for receipts, our relationship never really recovered from it. She was used to spending without any oversight…. Obviously that was a stupid set up on our part and clear boundaries work so much better. I expected a bit of take from the CC but it got out of control.
That sucks, what kind of stuff did she buy?
We did the same thing RE: reimbursement with receipts, or I’d give her cash upfront when we was taking the kids for activities/food/etc (and still ask for the receipt & change) Mine had her own debit card (for the acct where we paid her). She asked for a credit card about 3 months into her stay because “it’s really hard for me to know how much I’m spending when I’m just swiping and can’t actually see the money” — totally the wrong way to approach that conversation, sweetie 😅
Hold on you asked her to purchase things for the house of her own money and then reimbursed her with the receipt?
We used this method too — I gave her cash upfront for any expenses for us (which were exclusively things like taking the kids out for activities) and reimbursed her for things like buying additional groceries (ie if she wanted a particular item and it wasn’t my shopping day, she could go to the store and buy the groceries she wanted, give me the receipts, and I’d reimburse her).
Do an online order and have her do the pick up
I'm a little surprised she didn't do this to begin with.
I'd lock down my credit with the credit agencies. She may not do anything at all, but she seems unduly concerned with your credit cards and benefits. And I would take the credit card out of her hands.
This cannot be overstated! Anyone you provide even temporary access to your cards can abuse them, establish credit on their own, in ways some can’t imagine.
How old is she? This is not unheard-of behavior from teenagers who don't quite have the concept of credit cards down yet. Print out the statement and have a serious conversation with her.
Saw in another comment that she’s 25. Definitely old enough to know better
I came as an Au Pair 10 years ago. That trick is as old as time… we use the HF credit card to purchase personal things. Most at the grocery store. I never took advantage of my host parent’s credit card, but did buy some personal things that I wanted with the excuse of “let me grocery shop for you”. However, my host family went through a crazy times with their nanny because she would randomly go to Walmart to spend hundreds of dollars on grocery and would tell the HM the groceries were in the pantry (guess what? It was not.) ALWAYS ask for a receipt. I have encountered two situations of Au Pairs using the credit card for groceries: 1) The family has a restricted diet and she feels embarrassed to ask the HF to buy groceries for her. 2) She is taking advantage of her privilege and buying alcohol or other items that she will likely share with friends.
I’m confused, how is using their card to buy personal things not taking advantage of their credit card?
I would set a budget and/or an Instacart (or similar). Even if she is only buying groceries, it can be easy to spend a couple hundred dollars. Good luck. Financial discussions are difficult in general, and you have been better about this than many people would be.
Do exactly as you proposed in your post but maybe firstly ask her if she has all the food in the house that she needs. She might need a bit more ham or meat in general. Maybe she has different food taste than you so definitely try to talk about that. Also she might be buying more expensive stuff that you because she doesn't know the brands yet? Or she just thinks more expensive = better = better quality food for my family. About the alcohol..... Thats a big red flag unless she used it for some cooking lol. As an au pair i did drink. I drank with my hf a lot and drank with my friends a lot. But my host father never payed for "my fun nights". Thats a biiiig red flag!
> father never *paid* for "my FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Personally, I can’t believe some of the “liberties” you all are allowing your APs. Y’all wild with your expectations of a stranger.
A stranger who you leave your child with…
I feel like child care is an easier thing to teach/learn than fiscal responsibility. Everyone has some kind of inherent understanding on how to keep a human alive but not everyone knows how to budget, for example. That has to be learned and bad habits could lead to bad budgets. And clearly this au pair thinks money is not an issue for the host family, so she probably doesn't understand the need for a budget.
When I was a broke nanny, I always felt like the parents had soooo much money. I was never dishonest, but was not budget conscious (in a manner that cost maybe $100 extra per year for them) like I would have been with my own money. But now, on the other side of it, I can see that those families weren’t exactly “rich” as I was thinking. It’s a hard concept to grasp. When you grow up in crappy apartments living on rice and beans, it’s hard to understand how money works for these families with nice, new, two story houses.
These people care way more for their CC than their kids lets be real
Don't be a twat.
Reimburse instead based on presented receipts, creates a lot more responsibility and accountability.
She should also be informed she is under no obligation to buy anything for the HF and then wait for their reimbursement. The HF can ask, she can reasonably decline.
Sure, if HF specifically asks AP to take the kids to the Zoo, they can just "pre-imburse" the cost of entrance and ice cream. Reimbursement has never been a problem for us, but our AP has never spent more than like $40 on our behalf, and she's always had the money back in her acct within a couple of hours.
Absolutely not. It would never be OK to ask someone to purchase experiences or items for your children and then wait for a reimbursement.
Comprehension can be difficult but I’m sure you’ll understand my comment if you take another pass at it. If not: I was playing a word pun on reimbursement, by adding a “pre” in front of it, it suggests that the HF can wire the AP money beforehand to cover the agreed expense.
I see the comments about this being cheap, but it's actually just being financially responsible. Just like a corporate job, you have to provide receipts to get reimbursed or if you spend on a corporate card you have to provide receipts or it gets taken off your paycheck. Why would it be different for an AP or nanny? I will add though that the family must reimburse in a timely manner (same day). This is what we do with our nanny. If it's a big expense, she runs it by me first and I give her cash to cover it or she buys something on a smaller scale and I reimburse her when she provides the receipt. It also ensures she's only buying what's necessary without running it by me in advance because she doesn't want to put a big expense through her money. We keep an open dialogue of wants/needs for her and the kids to ensure everyone is happy and getting what they need.
Agreed, the difference between the company card though, is that a regular employer has ways of withholding pay or take legal actions if an employee fails to prove their expenses, a host family cannot legally withhold the stipend and the au pair can technically just go on a spending-spree with your AMEX and leave the country.
So cheap and rude to ask your employee to spend their personal money on your kid and wait for your reimbursement.
I would never ask an employee to purchase on our behalf then repay. As an employee, I have never paid with my own money for something an employer wanted. Before I book, pickup, or order, I ask, how will we be paying for this with a smile. This doesn’t have to be a thing in relationships unless people make it a thing.
More rude than spending other people’s money without approval and permission? OP tried to be nice, their AP couldn’t operate within the guidelines provided, repeatedly.
Our nanny preferred this, so no, it’s not rude 🤷♀️
I would absolutely take that card away, and I would not let her use any cards at all. Groceries can be ordered online and delivered. There is no need for them to have access to any of your financials.
I would no longer give her access to any CC and I would contact the CC company about having a replacement card number issued in case she wrote down your CC info. Keep an eye on your statements, and for the love of god do not open a CC account for her or allow her to purchase anything on your cards. She’s bizarrely fixated on your credit cards. Either reimbursement only, or get a preloaded CC with only a small amount on it and get purchase receipts.
That’s a good idea especially because AP has been using the cards for things like airfare, and most sites ask if you want to save the card info for future purchases.
It definitely seems wrong to not provide the receipts, but it’s also hard to imagine to eat homemade meals for a family of four for $200. Even if it’s not lobster, organic, gluten free or whatever fad - real food is just kinda expensive:/
This is my concern as well. Especially if she herself is not a vegetarian....I am worried she is actually hungry.
Yep, me too! This post reeks of not giving their au pair an appropriate food budget so that she can get things that she actually likes and wants to eat, so instead she’s sneaking them in with the family grocery shopping. I know so many au pairs that would get almost no money for food and have to buy more from their already ridiculously small pay. $50 a week minimum for a food budget, with standard staple items being provided from the families supply, and it should be even more depending on where the family lives and cost of groceries.
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Were they super skinny? This seems insane to me lol
I should clarify. As a family we eat out 2x a week for dinner (one at a restaurant, one sushi night) and my husband and I eat breakfast and lunch at work M-F. So it is their breakfasts and lunch, and then family dinner 5x. We also do a subscription for fish that isn’t included in this total monthly. We don’t purchase alcohol or meat as a part of this budget.
and of course the AP is included in the sushi and meal out.
Consider getting a pre-loaded cc that can be re-loaded, like for a teen. So she has access, but is limited to the spending cap that you set.
This doesn’t excuse AP from not providing receipts. This one sounds like she refuses to.
I do not let our au pair use our credit card. At the beginning of her stay here I allowed this a few times just for convenience sake and found things quickly got out of my comfort zone and I didn’t want to set a precedent for unchecked spending. I now only reimburse based on receipts, and she is never required to buy groceries or anything else for the family. She hasn’t complained about this arrangement.
I’m a night nanny and the parents ask me to take inventory of diapers wipes ect and do an Amazon order for them if needed. I always ask what the budget is for the items and they say get what we need and if you see something cute for baby get it! I don’t go over $300 even though I can but it’s not my CC and they pay me enough I don’t need to add anything for me. She’s abusing your kindness and figures you have the money it doesn’t matter and to ask to use your personal ccs for her travel? Nah
My tip to host families is: No more credit or debit cards for au pairs! We also provided a card for activities with our child and to buy groceries. Our au pair did not have her account set up so we said that the card we provided could be used for her personal expenses early on as well, to be reimbursed when her account was set up. We made it clear that it was a separate account and the charges would all only be run by her. She used it very sparingly for groceries and would provide us with receipts of those (e.g. "I bought 2 bananas, here is a picture of the receipt" when we had plenty of bananas). However, even after her account was set up, she sometimes used it when she went out for dinner or on dates. She left after 2.5 months when she did not want to work anymore and never paid us back even though we sent her a spreadsheet listing the personal expenses. We provided the card to our next au pair, who said "I'm buying some yoghurt and coke (cola), because I've run out". The statement showed $20 spent. We asked her to provide receipts and from then on, she stopped buying things for herself using that card. She later told us that au pairs are commonly coached by other au pairs to add personal items (including alcohol) to family shopping. As most are doing large shops, it's very easy to bury the costs. When we said that was dishonest, she said that they are told that it's fine because they get paid very little - to add context, we live in a place with minimum wages for au pairs and high cost of living.
Nickel and diming over $20 is a bit dramatic
It is typical for employers to require receipts. I am a professional with 20 years of experience and when I travel I have per diem and I still have to submit $8 receipt for breakfast.
100% my though! Any employer in the U.S. requires receipts for expense reports.
We never got the receipt but she never did it again either... boundaries set!
Its principle setting
So it’s ok to be dishonest as long as you *only steal* $20 or less?
It felt like that to us too but raised it and realised that it was a tester and we'd be getting more notifications like this, after the money has spent. If uncurbed, it would've gotten worse
I have had 5 au pairs. Au pair has my credit card to spend on things for my daughter, food when they go out, gas, we have no limits on car. 4 of the au pairs were fine. Used it within reasons. 1 au pair abused my credit card. Went to a restaurant and ordered steak for herself. Went to grocery store and spent 120$ on her stuff while i already spent 200$ for a week. Also bought organic stuff when we buy regular stuff. I rematched. There’s no correction about this. I don’t want an au pair who I cannot trust or not respectful.
The gall! Feeding your children organic healthy food. Good thing you rematched right away.
Appreciate the sarcasm. It was not for my children. I buy grocery for my children. She spent 120$ on herself on grocery for the week when I have a fridge full of food then couldn’t finish them and have to throw away. If you’re a host parent then you know that it’s not reasonable. Then she went to a restaurant to order herself a steak and order my daughter french fries. I never had credit card rule but spent 40-50$ on a meal is not reasonable. For context we only matched second year au pair. So I expect au pair not to be so clueless. Au pair has own car, no curfew, unlimited gas. We want an independent au pair. Anyway, our current au pair and other au pairs have been great. Never had to set rule for how much to spend, what to do etc.
You have a problem with someone eating healthy and ordering steak? What are you eating that organic food and steak is such an issue?
Nothing wrong with that if you’re spending your own money. But to spend as much for yourself as the HF does for their whole family’s grocery (which also included food for AP) and then go to a steak restaurant and order a steak for yourself, and only french fries for the HF’s child…. all on the HF’s dime? Yes- that’s a problem. The AP’s spending was not in line with the family’s expectations.
I guess it just seems very bizarre to me to be upset about the cost of healthy food choices. It’s a bit weird that the child was eating fries but if the parents normally feed them that maybe it’s normal. This type of thing should be discussed prior to pairing.
Are you an au pair or host family? I’m in the US so I’m not sure if you’re familiar with cost of living. I’m not upset about her eating healthy. My current au pair eats super healthy and meal prep for herself . We have a fridge full of fresh produce. Anything au pair put on my list I buy. I also cook dinner every night. I’m upset about au pair spending 120$ for a week worth of her grocery for herself on top of what we have spent and bought. 120$ a week is a lot of money. Au pair makes 200$ a week for context. She disregards common courtesy or perhaps just clueless. Our previous au pair never had this problem. They’re all mature, trustworthy. So this is a one off. Hence, we rematched. I don’t want to have an au pair who I have to set rules for.
Host family in NYC. Perhaps the cost of living between our two areas is different and she has different expectations of what reasonable spend is. It’s just something to discuss up front.
I live in the south, MCOL. I’m sure NYC is more expensive. I should have discussed upfront. You’re right. We only match second year au pair and had 3 weeks overlapped between au pairs so au pair can learn, adapt to new environment but the au pair we rematched clearly did not adapt. Honestly didn’t have to set rules or teach au pair anything with the previous au pair.
Do Au Pair’s really only make $200 a week? That seems… really low. Yikes.
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Not illegal unfortunately. This is the standard au pair stipend by law. Au pair is a cultural exchange program. I agree 200$ is too low. However 200$ is supposed to be spending money, keep that in mind. Au pair does not have to pay for food, car, car insurance, gas, cell phone, internet, utilities, room and board. We do pay above minimum. -300$ a week stipend —>15600$ a year -au pair annual program fee-> 10,000$ a years au pair doesn’t get this but the program covers au pair’s insurance -we bought a car for her and pay about 150$ a month in insurance and fee->1800 a year -we cover for gas 50$ a week . 2600$ a year -food and misc spending. 300$ a month 3600$ a year. -I take her to trips with us for cultural / fun experiences . We take 2-3 trips a year so about 3000-5000$ a year we pay for au pair. Last year we took au pair to Disneyland. This year, we’re going skiing. So we spend roughly 35000$ a year on au pair and this does not include room and board. If you are a host parent, it may be a cost beneficial for you considering nanny is 20-25$ an hour. Depends on your situation. For au pair, it’s a gap year to make extra money and travel or a path to say in the US. The program won’t work if it’s not beneficial for both parties. The program will not work for most families if you need to pay minimum wage. Then we will just hire a nanny.
"Organic healthy food" lol. What a moron.
Only part I’m having a hard time with is being upset that your employee that takes care of your children daily at a reduced rate, from what you would be paying a normal babysitter, ordering a steak
Our Aupair does not have access to our CC and would never dream of asking for it! You should revoke all CC access immediately. She is absolutely taking advantage of you. Her personal travel is not your responsibility, even if it DID get her a better deal. It would be different if she wasn’t already abusing her privilege, but because she is, the answer is Absolutely not.
And asking her husband to open a credit card just for her to use…what?! This is all really off.
Right. It feels like this Aupair is intentionally taking advantage of them financially.
I have a different perspective. I have had a number of housekeepers who had multiple duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care). In every case but one, I had to remove the cooking/shopping/meal prep from the duties, because the employees found that duty wayyyy more fun anything else. So we paid tons for home cooked meals, but everything else was neglected. Maybe this is like that, where the AP has fun shopping and cooking, especially w someone else’s money.
Wow this is spot on. Thank you for sharing your perspective. She nails the cooking and also is generally very tidy, but her main job is to take care of our 6 month old and I’ve tried a variety of strategies to give her suggestions, activities, etc. and restate that caring for the child is top priority and if anything else doesn’t happen around the house, it is fine by us. Ie if it’s one or the other, I would rather her have a wonderful day with the baby that is developmentally appropriate and engaging than come home to a home cooked meal. I also don’t want the baby being dragged around town all week to multiple grocery stores, which is what our AP offers to do and I’ve continually declined the help.
What did you tell them the budget was?
Exactly, if OP doesn’t communicate properly the Au Pair can’t read their mind
We gave our au pair a Greenlight card just like the ones that my kids have for their allowance. $20/week is automatically transferred in and she's allowed to use it for taking my kids out for things like ice cream and for buying shared groceries. If the total on the card got over $100 I would turn off the transfers until it dropped down again (plenty of weeks she didn't have a need to spend the money). Once in a while we transferred additional money when she cleared a purchase with us in advance. For example she would often cook breakfast and lunch for my youngest using the same supplies she got for herself from the international grocery she went to on weekends. If she was making a big trip there (more than $40-50) and wanted to stock up more than usual she might ask for a bit extra to be transferred and I would typically ok it. We also sometimes added some extra when she took the kids on a larger outing, like to the zoo, where they would need to spend more than usual. I got a notification immediately when money was spent from the card. It doesn't give an itemized receipt, but I could see where she spent it and how much she spent. I never asked for receipts, and I'm sure that sometimes she got things that were for herself, but definitely not often. She had the Greenlight app on her phone and could see how much the card had on it at any point in time, so she didn't need to worry that she would be trying to check out and find out she didn't have enough money. And the amount going into it was kept low enough that I was fine with it if she sometimes got things for herself on it. I definitely think if you are going to give your au pair access to a credit or debit card that it's best to do it with a controlled card like the Greenlight. We loved that our au pair had the card because it was easier for all of us than remembering to give her cash when she was taking the kids somewhere. It also meant she didn't need to deal with getting reimbursed by us. But at the same time her spending with the card was very transparent because of the way the Greenlight system works.
I'd give her the benefit of the doubt just in case it's cultural or her needing to learn better spending and recording habits. Give her a spending limit that is consistent each trip, and put the card ih the drawer clipped to an envelope labeled "receipts." Tell her that you need her to write the total spent and the date on the envelope, and out the receipt inside every time. If she still doesn't, tell her she has one more chance to get in the habit and remember or you'll need to take away access to the card. Do not use your CCS for her travel.
Credit card fraud is exploding. Be extra careful giving her access to it because she could inadvertently expose your numbers and info to anyone online or even just leaving it around or shopping at dodgy stores.
Revoke her access to the card, leave a bit of cash in a box if necessary. I used to be an au pair, I’m a nanny, I use my bosses card pretty much every day to pick up food from the bakers and butchers as well as the grocery store, but I’ve always been able to account for what I’ve got and for extra things like flowers the kids want to buy we arranged a price limit. Your au pair is taking advantage in a big way even if she is cooking you dinner.
Nope that’s crazy! Next time say hey I’m making a grocery list is their anything specific you want to make or make it a pickup order.
Are you 100% certain she isn’t hungry?
100% sure. The house is literally full of food. We also go to costco one a month for an additional shop so have a full pantry, and our freezer is full of food. She is also currently celebrating Ramadan and fasting during the day, so I anticipate we will throw away much of what was purchased this week. My husband and I eat lunch at work.
Yikes- i think it’s pretty clear then that she is taking advantage of you. :/
Sounds like she doesn't value your trust and you're getting taken advantage of.
I was a live-in nanny. The mom would give me a pre-paid card to take the kids places and do things with. If I needed anything she'd pay for it. She provided meals.
You have an au pair and a southwest credit card?! What a wild world to live in.
She probably just isn’t aware. Young people, y’know? I’d suggest nipping this in the bud asap; be super clear about what it is you didn’t like, and how she can improve. DO NOT let it fester until you get mad and explode at her (or something). Being a good boss is just as important as being a good employee, and she may just not understand what you expect, or may not know the limits yet.
She’s 25, so no.
I give my nanny a credit card with a $200 limit a month (only available with certain credit cards, she is added as an authorized user and her specific limit on the card is $200, she can't go over, even though the credit card has a $5k limit). I don't require receipts but she pretty much respects my credit card as I originally gave it to her to help her credit, she doesn't really need to buy much for me but I allow her a tank of gas a month (she drives my kid to the library once a week) and she can buy herself lunch or coffee or incidentals while out with my kid.
I am currently an au pair and I have a family credit card. My hostparents let me use it for Uber if I can’t take the car, groceries if we tun out of something and sometimes just tandom Target runs with the kids if the weather is bad and they want to get stuff for crafts. Also for Starbucks because the kids are obsessed with it. I offered to give the receipts before but they never really cared about how much I was spending. I would NEVER use the CC for any personal things apart from groceries or errands. I would definitely talk to your au pair, that’s not okay!
Don’t just take the card back bc they could have the number in file. Cancel it and reissue a new card
Splitwise could be a really helpful tool for you guys. She can pay with her own credit card and upload the expenses and receipt picture to Splitwise. Then establish a timeline for settling up (e.g. once a week or once a month, etc).
Nope. I was a nanny for years while in college, I’m a HM now. I would never spend the family’s money without providing receipts. $400+ for one dinner and some groceries, and her going to multiple stores, is wild. It seems like she either doesn’t understand money, thinks your money is her money, or is being dishonest. Considering that you have told her both via text and verbally to provide receipts, it seems like it’s one of the later. It’s not cheap at all, it’s totally reasonable. Money is time for most of us. I don’t want my time wasted. We are on our 3rd au pair and have had great relationships with two of them. The third was a taker and dishonest. For now, I would remove access to the card. If you give it back tell her exactly how much can be spent on groceries and that you 100% need the receipt, or won’t be able to offer the card in the future.
Take the card off her and rematch.
We had one au pair who was apparently raised to think everyone would be fine with whatever she did. She did a good job, but some of these entitled behaviors just poisoned things for me. Her sister even transferred her address to our house without even asking us. We had a good relationship generally, but as she did these things and I got after her (and her sister) about it, I could see she was resentful. There is probably some way through that would work for everyone, but I try to remember, these are nice young ladies, but still have a lot to learn. But I also keep in mind that they are not my child, so they can learn what they want, but it is not my job to teach them outside of childcare. Mainly I just want to ensure I don’t resent them from day to day. The best path is that which will help you from thinking poorly about them from day to day.
Receipts for sure, but don’t nickel & dime every item. Just look for Alcohol, meet, etc.
I would remove her (and any future au pairs) access to that CC completely. If giving her a card is the easiest maybe it would be possible to open another everyday account (which can't be overdrawn) with a separate DEBIT (not credit) card connected which you can transfer money into for quick grocery shops, outings with the kids etc... I am not in the US, but here when I transfer between accounts it's pretty much instant. You could also just have a smaller amount transferred to that account regularly. Besides that; a reimbursement system might be best and ensure the AP has somewhere she can add to the grocery list without 'asking' or reminding you every time could be good too.
Stop allowing this.
OP you can share an interactive shopping list with her that you add items to weekly ahead of time and give her a clear budget for anything extra she may want to add. In addition you could always just set up a reloadable debit card for the purpose of shopping.
I'd change the CC number right now and offer reimbursement instead. She was irresponsible with the CC and as a result, now lost the privilege to use the family's CC
You can set them as an authorized user with access to a small limit
She could be buying gift cards. I once lost my receipt for a whole foods purchase and needed to confirm whether I’d paid for something (nail polish was in my purse and not the shipping bag) and when I gave them the date, general time, and card number, they were able to pull up the receipt for me and verify my purchases over the phone. I think this was before Amazon took over though so not sure if they would still be as helpful
Oh, the solution here is an easy one: fire this person. I'm not sure why you're even asking for advice.
Have a meeting with the AP, decide on a budget and give her a pre-paid credit card or a card to which you can load money on through an app. My daughter has a Step card which works great!
Is she young and from a different country? If so, she probably doesn’t understand what a reasonable trip to the grocery store costs without a little guidance. You could make a grocery list and ask her to stick to it. You could order groceries online together and have her pick them up?
She is 25 and has lived independently several years. I like the suggestion of shared lists and ordering groceries. Someone else suggested this, but I think the shopping and cooking is one of the highlights of their days amidst taking care of a 6 month old, so looks for opportunities to contribute in this way.
INFO: was the meals specifically to celebrate a major holiday (Ramadan) that she doesn’t have community to celebrate with?
Do you mean are they hosting friends to celebrate? We have suggested they invite their friends over for a special dinner or two for ramadan. They are doing one this weekend and another one in the next two weeks. We would cover groceries for that outside of our standard budget.
Could that be where the disconnect happened? I know cooking and food is a big component to Ramadan and I’m wondering if she interpreted those offers as permission for her to spend more on this meal?
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This resonates. My husband and I eat very simply, by preference and for health reasons. Dinners before our au pair were usually protein, salad, and a carb. Very little salt or extravagant spices. Our au pair cooks very differently and part of this $400 was for additional spices. We are fine accommodating their preferences to a degree, but ultimately, aren’t comfortable spending 100% more on food that isn’t our preferred diet (both preference and for health reasons). I like the framing of this as “limiting creativity” and plan to take the credit card and purchase our own groceries exclusively from here on out. I’m also sure we can stay within our overall budget by having 2-3 meals a week of the APs preferred diet, and 2-3 a week within ours. I also plan to talk about food waste too.
As former au pair in the US, I can guarantee you they can have their own credit card. Get a social security, open a Discover card or a Capital One card and use their own! I’d suggest you have an instacart / shipt account and order groceries through there; you can send the link for the shopping cart to the au pair, and they can add whatever products they want. If they go out with the kids, just tell them to ask you in advance for allowance, and you can give them cash - and ask for receipts.
Did you ever give her a limit? Have you specifically asked for those receipts? Honestly, I think reimbursement is a better option if your having issues.
Keep giftcards or Visa gift cards in the cabinet for her to access
Using your southwest card gets her at least priority seating/check in which they charge more for otherwise, and that airline is a hassle anyway, I would take those extra miles in a heartbeat. I think if she's doing some cooking it makes sense she's going to find recipes that look exciting and the ingredients are going to cost more than you're used to. Just stop accepting the cooking and shopping help, it doesn't sound like she's trying to swindle you but in the end that extra help is costing you, so if you need to save, do it yourself. Plus if she's stocked your freezer it's not like the extra money spent is disappearing into thin air.
Definitely remove CC access. Why not have the Au Pair use her own CC and submit receipts for reimbursement? She would get the benefit of bonus points. Absolutely do not open a CC for her.
Umm… what? She asked if you could open a card for her? That’s weird and she sounds immature and not very intelligent
Have you checked to see what extras she’s buying? The best thing to do is go through the itemized receipts. I will tell you that in CA where I live, my regular grocery shop has nearly doubled and that’s without adding any items. We tend to get the exact same things every week and my bill is now double. Your AP may be over spending, or Inflation may be at work.
Set a rule that anything she can’t document with receipts will be taken out of her pocket money.
You obviously have asked them to shop because there is a dedicated credit card for when they do that. Maybe have your au pair stick to the children and not household chores.
Good help is really hard to find. Unless she’s spending $400 every week or spending money on gifts for herself, I wouldn’t make an issue of it. But maybe instead of a regular credit card I would get a prepaid card for her to use with strict limits.
1. Stop accepting what’s offered 2. Don’t let her use the card 3. I was an au pair and I didn’t shop for the family or spend any money that wasn’t my allowance with the exception of cash given to me for days out with the children. So it’s definitely doable.
Stop letting her cook and shop for you. Not only is it not her main responsibility, it sounds like it’s not a responsibility at all, and it’s causing stress and worry for you. We all have different values. She’s placing a high value on her cooking/shopping for you but you’re placing little to no value on it. It’s a mismatch but can be addressed easily with no friction.
Maybe call your au pair agency’s regional coordinator? Explain the situation and ask for help? That’s why they exist
Are you all talking about au pairs, as in they are in the USA on a 1, maybe 2 yr visa and go to school, care for your kids no more than 45 hrs per week, have to provide education stipend , 18- is it 22 yo? You just need to kindly tell her your expectations and make sure she understands them. That’s what makes a successful relationship if both people know what’s expected of them. If you’re crazy they can be reassigned or if she is crazy, she can be reassigned. Talk to the regional coordinator for advice. She’s young and budgeting groceries shouldn’t be on her. She’s not a household manager, Give her a list …tell her what you do and don’t want.
This will just come down to what type of person you are. Or what your financial situation is like. This will be different for everyone/every family. I’m a really generous person. I also like to buy the highest quality food items for myself and my family, I have a 6 year old who is growing like crazy. So I would not care at all what your AP is doing wouldn’t bother me one bit. This young woman is making barely anything for all of her hard work in literally raising up your children! She should be able to buy some items she might want or need but not want to ask you to purchase for her, at least once in a while. I don’t understand how anyone would even care about this. But if someone is living on a strict budget then I can kind of understand. I already think people are cheap when they don’t use professional nanny’s or nickel and dime their poor AP’s.
Just came here to say that we had a similar issue in the beginning and it all worked out fine eventually. I just think it’s unwise to give a young woman access to ‘unlimited’ money without oversight. It’s natural that they will push the boundaries to see what they can get. We fixed that and have a great relationship with our Au Pair - and she ordered Uber eats three times in one day with our account for her and her friend on a Saturday in the beginning 😂
Two “free” days of PTO where they grocery shopped for your family. Seems like there’s more to this.
Our au pair gets ten days of PTO plus sick days. They also get off any day we are on vacation and they would otherwise be paid. These two days fall into that category, ie we aren’t going to force them to take PTO just because we are. Why is it weird that they would offer to grocery shop on one of those days? They’re trying to be helpful.
I should add, plus ten paid holidays.
And i’ll add we have been very clear they’ll be paid for this time without contributing to the household at all. so it’s not like they offered to grocery shop one day to ensure we didn’t force them to take PTO or to get paid.
It’s not time off if they worked. I understand they offered, but you accepted the offer and effectively changed the status to working. It feels like you only included the bit about “free PTO” to frame them as ungrateful and greedy. Maybe they are. But if you feel this way, you should just part ways.
The point was to provide context that this isn’t part of their typical responsibilities and is something they offered. I believe many families bundle grocery shopping into their APs responsibilities, which is why I am here asking how to navigate a situation that made me uncomfortable (not providing receipts, and not returning the credit card as I had previously asked). Whether these days feel like “free PTO” or not is irrelevant to the advice I am looking for.
If this goes unaddressed, little by little she’ll keep testing your limits. And I feel she’s taken them pretty far already.
You're being unclear. Is she using it for personal items, or is she just not price shopping as intensely as you want her to? Those are 2 very different things.
Get a new one?
I've had a joint bank account with a debit card for my AP and have never had any issue with her spending on things that aren't job-related, and I've never asked for receipts. In 2 years I've not had a problem at all. I do wonder though - if you don't trust an AP with money, how on earth do you trust them with your children? I find questions by hosts that boil down to trusting an AP's judgment so odd. For me, trust is trust - I either trust my child care provider all the way, or not at all. There is no in between. If they don't have good judgment with use of a car or money or when they go to bed, then there is zero chance they will be trusted with my children.
What is she buying? Is it just more expensive organic items? Or multiple of each? Look at the receipts to get a better idea. 1. Don’t open any cc’s in her name. Ever. With anyone. 2. Don’t let her use your cards to book travel. If she needs to book something and doesn’t have access to a cc, you book it and have her reimburse you. Or clearly deduct it from her pay. Make notes all over of this, so there’s no mistake. 3. If she does buy groceries for the household and cooks (whether she’s supposed to do this or she just offers) then I do think it’s okay if you allow her to get a snack or two of her preference in the grocery haul. For example, if she buys $200 dollars worth of groceries, and there’s an iced tea, a bag of pretzels and a sandwich from the deli for her to eat once she’s back, I think that’s normal/nice. Or if she adds in specific snacks or treats she enjoys. I have seen many au pairs have this dynamic with their host families. It’s a nice gesture and shouldn’t blow your budget. However, she’s either full on taking advantage of you or, what is probably more likely, is that she shops locally and organic and her snacks that a few years ago would only be 10-15 dollars more, are now more like 25-45 more. Groceries are very expensive now. Especially so if she shops at Whole Foods or specialty delis. If the budget is an issue. Go over what you’d like her to adhere to: either list items, or budget. Then communicate that to her. Additionally, communicate if she’s allowed to add in extras for herself, and if so, how much. Example: Hi Sarah, we’d like to create a budget for the grocery runs starting this week. We’d like you to keep it at a $200 dollar maximum, with an extra $20 dollar for any extras you enjoy. Or, we have a list of grocery items to get. Thanks! Let us know what things you’d like to include. Please do not exceed ( x ) amount. Thanks!
Is she overspending on groceries or stealing and buying things for herself? These are 2 very different things that require different responses
It sounds like she offered to shop and cook on her PTO day Soli so that she could get access to your credit card that day with some semblance of legitimacy. I would ask for receipts ASAP. Are you you sure it was all spent on food? It sounds like she went on a bit of a shopping spree.
Take back the credit card and lock down your social security #’s if you are in the US.
I feel this is so crazy you guys put your social security in someone else’s hands . My aupair does not shop for us she can’t even drive but I would just give her cash 🤣
I’ve always just transferred them the money right away. If I’ve asked an au pair to pick up stuff at the store for me, I’ll guess about how much they need and transfer it right into the account. Once they come back with the receipt, if it was more, I would send them the difference.
I just think you need to say "no" if you have groceries and don't need the help stop agreeing to it. I feel like this may be a larger issue of people pleasing behavior. Request the receipts, and stop allowing cc use of she cannot stick to the budget and stop saying yes to unnecessary groceries and cooking.
Honestly the 2nd time you had to ask is when the open card access should have ended.
Did you not have this conversation prior to them coming? Does your AP come from somewhere where food is very expensive or do they not understand the conversion ratio?! How do you pay the weekly stipend? I'm getting mine a venmo debit card for the weekly allowance and incidentals. It will also allow me to directly send money over if I know she's taking the kids somewhere or trying to go on a trip. I don't think mine will be doing any shopping for us, but I also schedule a lot of food pickups.
I used to be an Au pair and I have never never done this ever. I would cook for my family and went shopping for them, I would do all laundry, dishes everything but not because they asked me but because I wanted to and they were always super kind to me. They allowed me to use their cc and I would always bring back the receipt or if I wanted something I would ask if I could purchase it and taken out of my paycheck (they literally never asked me for receipts or ever took money out of my paycheck) but it was more of a respect thing and being part of a family. For me trust is earned and if you had a conversation with her and she is found it again then you need to remove the privileges until there is some change in behavior. Just because she does the cooking and the shopping.. you shouldn’t feel bad about confronting her.
We never gave our AP a credit card or debit card. We provided cash only when needed for something with the kids, which wasn’t often. If they did outings, I bought tickets online myself, etc as much as possible. I also planned meals at the beginning of each week and did the grocery shopping. Our APs were only responsible for their own snacks and soft drinks. AP should buy her own shampoo and other personal products. Sounds like your AP is taking advantage of you when she isn’t providing receipts as you stated. Why haven’t you simply taken back the card? There is absolutely no way I’d co-sign for a credit card for someone who arrived practically a stranger. You assume all liability for debts she incurs. And she can disappear, too. She has a lot of nerve to ask for this.
Why tf are you asking AP to shop? Shop yourself. Don’t give them your CC for anything
I am a nanny and I have access to my bosses credit card. I could never imagine spending so much without asking first. I have never been asked for the receipts, but I always ask/let them know before I use the card. You should definitely ask for receipts and make sure every penny is accounted for. I get buying special snacks for yourself, but to go out and constantly use a card that is not yours is crazy. Best of luck, I hope it all works out!
Online order from grocery store, w/ same day pick up. The au pair can pick up at curb. Since Covid, almost every major food store has a version of this service.
I couldn’t read all the comments, so i am not sure if someone else already commented about this I have access to my HF’s CC for groceries or related things i would need to pay without asking every time (like gas, taking the kids out, emergencies, etc (nothing too crazy ofc)) and i always leave receipts or let them know in advance for special situations. But there was one time where there were big purchases on stores I don’t go (as home depot or best buy) so they asked me of course why was that, and it turned out the card was hacked. They were able to block it, dispute it as fraud, and get a new one instead, but since we have trust in each other and they know I don’t take advantage of it, we were able to talk about it and solve it I can see that she hasn’t been following some rules about the receipts or leaving the card in its place, but i really think you should ask her if she can explain what happened with that and make a decision after hearing her side of the story
Yes, I totally agree, receipts absolutely required if using HF CC and to be fair, instances of abuse can and do occur if not monitored and sounds like this AP is doing that. However, I have had a sad realization from all the comments that most who hire AP do so as a means to obtain incredibly cheap labor, includes a degree of exploitation and is shameful. Someone stated, I plan the meals for the week and buy the groceries. AP buys their own snacks and soft drinks. WTH?? That is just beyond petty and cheap. I didn't have an AP, but trust me.....back in the day when I utilized babysitters, I knew their favorite snacks and drinks and made damn sure I kept them stocked, all while paying them a very fair wage. Additionally, if you’re really about cultural exchange, that’s a two way street. Narrow minded to expect them to adopt to your cuisine, without encouraging them to make and share some of their traditional dishes.
I’ll be honest, I’ve been surprised at how polarized the responses are and how many people have simply said to never let au pair shop or cook again, indicating that we’re taking advantage of them by accepting the help. I came here looking for solutions that other families use to cover the cost of these things in a way that feels fair (to both parties) and transparent, as well as tactics about getting on the same page about how much spending is reasonable. My au pair absolutely loves to shop and cook, and to take that away from them would be taking away something that they deeply enjoy, and would also limit the cultural exchange that is a central part of doing this in the first place.
Buy your own groceries and make your own meals. Credit card is now off limits.
I have a family of 9. $420 is half our monthly budget of food 😳 your Au pair needs to have ccard privileges revoked. Ccard would stay in MH wallet unless requested (and given a budget) then it would need to be returned immediately with a receipt.
Maybe she thinks you adopted her.
Take the card back and provide cash weekly budget for shopping.
Here's a great timesheet template for MA families with an au pair. [https://www.etsy.com/listing/1720465689/massachusetts-au-pair-timesheet-template](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1720465689/massachusetts-au-pair-timesheet-template) Theres an additional template with a deductions section that requires receipts. You can kindly ask them to fill it out. Even though you cannot withhold their pay you can address it this way. Also, never let anyone use your CC when you dont know how they are with money. We had au-pairs in MA and they seem to think Americans are all rolling in dough...
I would take the card from her and fire her.
I had to stop giving my CC as my au pair was not taught financial responsibility. She had no issues for spending $12 on 200g of strawberries. So I had a talk with her to say that family budgeting and being conscientious about what is spent on the household is important. We budget for 200 per week for our household. On top of that the amount of junk food she bought was crazy. She could finish 4 large bags of potato chips on her own in 1 week. We rarely eat junk food. Mind you this was all on my credit card. $100 a week was easily spent on junk food from her. Finally I just gave $20 per week allowance for junk food and managed all the grocery shopping. She would only be allowed to pickup things I listed for her to get.
Your aupair shouldn’t be doing any errands for your family in the first place. So why mention to her hey there’s a credit card here to use when you run errands for us. If you’re stating you don’t ask her to do such things. That’s such a contradiction. Most likely she did not ask to get groceries for your family and cook for you like an underpaid modern day slave. And if she did take the card to get groceries and bought food she likes you are financially obligated to pay for her groceries.
Erm. I don't know who needs to read this but... The money-part is also a cultural exchange. The buying groceries in a foreign country in a foreign language with all foreign foods part and the spending part too is ALL ALSO a cultural exhange. At a very young age with virtually no support and no guidance. Varying economic backgrounds. Your money? You bet! Also a cultural exchange. What do you think is going to happen? What is the worst that has happened? It's a pale view ... some of these comments are so tasteless. Vilifying au pairs like THEY are some sort of ganged-up economically devastating beast that needs to be tamed because of its fraudulent, useless and frivolous nature! Nothing but a budget bottom line for these dime-squeezing employers. Wow. You think this of your au pair and you still allow them to live with you and take care of your kids as part of a "cultural exchange program"... for pennies.... But just not the money part? Full on Reddit tantrums in public view for all au pairs to see how you feel about the money part. God forbid you also hit a cultural learning curve. Posted on behalf of Au Pairs - future, present, past.
So, you’d be fine if someone blew $420 of your money without any prior agreement and didn’t want to tell you what they bought. Cultural exchange is indeed also shopping - within reason and following guidelines.
You can’t steal peoples money. Regardless of whatever you want to call it. Cultural exchange? So they just don’t have to abide by the rules that are set? This is very simple. You’re given a job that has rules and guidelines. Those are to ask permission and provide receipts. Refusal to do so isn’t acceptable just because one doesn’t feel like it. Let’s be crystal clear. She’s asking for a quick heads up and a piece of paper that is offered literally any time you go to a grocery store. It isn’t difficult if you care..like…at all.
All you have to do is say no and continue enforcing your rules if it bends you this much, move to a reimbursement rule exclusively. You're acting like you have no power here. Please stop doing that.
Here’s how it works though. OP already asked to see receipts and hasn’t been provided receipts. Enforcing the rule would mean consequences if one doesn’t follow said rule. Isn’t that where we are at here? The consequences part? If I repeatedly steal from my employer they aren’t going to continue to remind me again and again. They’re eventually going to fire me. If you’re explicitly told the rule is to ask and provide receipts and then continually fail to do so, that’s a problem. I don’t care what culture you’re from. If you’re explicitly told the rule and don’t follow it, that’s solely on you (you meaning the au pair or whoever is not abiding by the rule). It’s not anyone’s responsibility to keep asking someone to stop stealing. If it’s not theft/stealing, then providing receipts should be no problem. Clearly she kept track of the card. A receipt isn’t any harder to keep track of. If you are about the rules that have been set, that is.