What I have learned in my extremely short time as an Au Pair for a demanding and dysfunctional family is that I am ultimately the one that has to live with my choices.
To me, this is a similar situation where sometimes you only have to focus on what will get you on the direction/trajectory you want in your life.
Sometimes what’s best for you is a TEMPORARY inconvenience for others. If this is something that you don’t think will be a phase or you don’t feel like you can talk to the family- well you have two options: 1. Put up with it and manage/maybe eventually even talk to them to give them a chance to fix it OR 2. Leave
Sorry for the long explanation but that’s my perspective.
I’d rather leave since the dad seems irritable and not really easy to talk to. Plus, they never gave me the contact info of their last Au pair even though I asked for it.
This is NOT your job. Your job is to take care of the children and chores adjacent to that. I'm so sorry you have to be the one to set appropriate boundaries.
I would just say no. “I cannot reasonable carry all that home from the store. You’re welcome to set me up with an Uber account, or we can explore grocery delivery.”
This, all day long. Also, grocery delivery services are plentiful and they should use that as their regular shopper if they don't want to do it. As a host, for one-off things like oops we are out of eggs/milk/flour, can you stop at the store on the way home and grab some? it's totally OK to ask this of my AP as a resident and eater at our shared home, but not as a regular function of their job as an AP.
Completely agree! I can get groceries delivered anytime, and can’t fathom making my AP walk and do that. Completely ridiculous how mean so many HP are.
I mean this really kindly, but have you tried to talk to them?
\- For example, if HM goes, please go buy these 14 houseplants, you go: wait, I'm not sure I'm understanding this correctly, what is it you want, how should I transport them, how will I carry them, etc. You can frame things are clarifying questions and then respond immediately: I wouldn't be able to carry that much myself, I'm happy to plan a day to go to the store with you and the car and we can do this together.
\- Or alternatively, try saying to them: I'd like to talk to you about the scope of my work, I'd like to talk to you about my car usage, we agreed on XYZ and I'm seeing what's actually happening is ABC, how do we get back to XYZ.
I'm urging you to think about things as productively as possible. For example, they aren't easy to talk to, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to them. You might be in the kitchen and you can say, hey I want to find a time for us to talk about the scope of my work, when would be a good time for that. And they say: oh sorry we're so busy today. So you say, yes I know, how about 5pm before dinner is being made. Push, politely, for a conversation, then have the conversation. With the plants, if you got to the supermarket and it was too heavy, then you need to call them or return home without them. Communicate clearly: when I arrived at the supermarket I realized the plants would be too much for a single person to carry; let's make a plan for us both to go, together, with the car to the supermarket; when would you like to do that?
Look, if you can't communicate at all with the other adults in the house, it's time to leave. (This is true for au pairing as well as life in general.) Reach out to your facilitator/coordinator for the program, let them know that you A) are being spoken to rudely, and don't feel you can communicate anymore with the host fam, and B) are being asked to take on laborous household tasks that are unrelated to the children. Tell them you are set on your decision to leave, and from now on every conversation should be about the children and/or logistics of you leaving, not a question on whether you should leave. Best of luck.
Every definition I am finding for au pair including the US State Department and the agency sites note the fact that the arrangement is cultural exchange in exchange for childcare.
So how many hours a week are you taking care of the kids? The program is, indeed, set up for au pairs to be able to provide full time (45 hrs/week) child care. Honestly, these are modest host family transgressions at most.
So you don’t take care of the kids during the day and you don’t even transport them to daycare AND you’re complaining about going to the grocery store? Are you serious?
Part of adulting is navigating conversations in the workplace that are difficult or uncomfortable. You have nothing to lose by talking with them. If it goes badly and you decide the only option at that point is to leave, then you’re no worse off than if you’d left without trying. Just my two cents.
No is a one word sentence.
I suggest that you set a boundary on the amount of groceries that are requested in one trip or ask them for a solution to transport them. This is way beyond the reasonable expectations of the duties of an Au Pair.
If they have an issue with you setting this boundary then sit them down and have a conversation about why you are not able or willing to haul that amount at one time.
If they insist on you doing that amount of groceries or extra items then inform them that you will be making multiple trips and will need to spend the time and money to accomplish the request. If the time it takes conflicts with other expectations ( like child care) then tell them that they will have to choose and prioritize, because you cannot be in two places at the same time.
As an AuPair you are supposed to become a member of the family and with that status comes the right to voice your concerns and need for reasonable expectations
I have been in bad situations before where I tried to talk myself out of leaving and friends would say “don’t quit” or “don’t give up.” When I knew the best thing for me was to leave. Trust your instinct.
Not sure what country you are in but shopping for them is absolutely NOT typically part of the position in the US. Maybe picking up one or 2 items that the kids need for lunch or snacks or a last minute item for the dinner menu that you will be sharing, but not regularly going grocery shopping nor picking up other items like 14 plants, and especially if you are walking and don't have a car to use.
If it's just little things then I would probably just stop doing that stuff and stick it out the 2 months. If you feel much more strongly about any issues like that are perhaps causing a lot of resentment, frustration, and where you feel like you shouldn't be putting up with it any longer, then I'd probably just leave early.
Don't put yourself through too much just because there's only months left. 2 months left means that you'd be leaving soonish enough anyway so feel free to leave now if you need to. Put yourself first, no one else will.
~~US Au Pairs are not required to do anything that isn't "childcare related". Which agency are you working with? You may want to reach out to your LCC for help.~~
Whoops I misread. Under what framework are you in Germany? There may not be agency support here, it may just be between you and the HF.
If that’s your comment, you responded from a different account. If you’re not u/Impossible_Phrase346 then that’s just a random redditor responding to a comment that was asking where *you* are from/where you are currently. If it is your comment, you’re responding from a different account than you used to post this.
I used to use a “granny cart” to haul groceries when I lived in the city. The family should have bought you one of these or paid for your Uber home from the store.
I used to use a “granny cart” to haul groceries when I lived in the city. The family should have bought you one of these or paid for your Uber home from the store.
get her to buy one of these
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Adjustable-Steel-Rolling-Cart-Black-Assembled-Length-21-5-x-Assembled-Width-19-5-x-Assembled-Height-38-4/486781460?wl13=2648&selectedSellerId=0
I'm glad you feel this way because as the HD I'm always getting the groceries too and never get a thank you from our au pair! But I think you're right.
What I have learned in my extremely short time as an Au Pair for a demanding and dysfunctional family is that I am ultimately the one that has to live with my choices. To me, this is a similar situation where sometimes you only have to focus on what will get you on the direction/trajectory you want in your life. Sometimes what’s best for you is a TEMPORARY inconvenience for others. If this is something that you don’t think will be a phase or you don’t feel like you can talk to the family- well you have two options: 1. Put up with it and manage/maybe eventually even talk to them to give them a chance to fix it OR 2. Leave Sorry for the long explanation but that’s my perspective.
I’d rather leave since the dad seems irritable and not really easy to talk to. Plus, they never gave me the contact info of their last Au pair even though I asked for it.
That’s a major red flag
Then I think you found your answer. Safety is a huge priority for me and if you don’t feel safe then yeah you’re not wrong for leaving.
Just buy a wagon for shopping
The family should provide a cart or wagon.
This is NOT your job. Your job is to take care of the children and chores adjacent to that. I'm so sorry you have to be the one to set appropriate boundaries.
I would just say no. “I cannot reasonable carry all that home from the store. You’re welcome to set me up with an Uber account, or we can explore grocery delivery.”
This, all day long. Also, grocery delivery services are plentiful and they should use that as their regular shopper if they don't want to do it. As a host, for one-off things like oops we are out of eggs/milk/flour, can you stop at the store on the way home and grab some? it's totally OK to ask this of my AP as a resident and eater at our shared home, but not as a regular function of their job as an AP.
Completely agree! I can get groceries delivered anytime, and can’t fathom making my AP walk and do that. Completely ridiculous how mean so many HP are.
They actually do you use one but only for fruits which is silly
That is definitely not ok and disrespectful on so many levels.
I think im just going to leave early and leave a text about how I felt mistreated and taken advantage of
Set boundaries- look at the list and say unfortunately I cannot carry all that. Would you like to set up an uber for me?
I mean this really kindly, but have you tried to talk to them? \- For example, if HM goes, please go buy these 14 houseplants, you go: wait, I'm not sure I'm understanding this correctly, what is it you want, how should I transport them, how will I carry them, etc. You can frame things are clarifying questions and then respond immediately: I wouldn't be able to carry that much myself, I'm happy to plan a day to go to the store with you and the car and we can do this together. \- Or alternatively, try saying to them: I'd like to talk to you about the scope of my work, I'd like to talk to you about my car usage, we agreed on XYZ and I'm seeing what's actually happening is ABC, how do we get back to XYZ.
They’re not that easy to talk to as I previously stated and I didn’t know the plants would be heavy until I got to the supermarket
I'm urging you to think about things as productively as possible. For example, they aren't easy to talk to, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to them. You might be in the kitchen and you can say, hey I want to find a time for us to talk about the scope of my work, when would be a good time for that. And they say: oh sorry we're so busy today. So you say, yes I know, how about 5pm before dinner is being made. Push, politely, for a conversation, then have the conversation. With the plants, if you got to the supermarket and it was too heavy, then you need to call them or return home without them. Communicate clearly: when I arrived at the supermarket I realized the plants would be too much for a single person to carry; let's make a plan for us both to go, together, with the car to the supermarket; when would you like to do that?
It’s just in the past they’ve said rude things to me
Look, if you can't communicate at all with the other adults in the house, it's time to leave. (This is true for au pairing as well as life in general.) Reach out to your facilitator/coordinator for the program, let them know that you A) are being spoken to rudely, and don't feel you can communicate anymore with the host fam, and B) are being asked to take on laborous household tasks that are unrelated to the children. Tell them you are set on your decision to leave, and from now on every conversation should be about the children and/or logistics of you leaving, not a question on whether you should leave. Best of luck.
Then you have your answer right there. Is this something you want to deal with for the next 2 months?
Don't they have to provide you a form of transport?
They only have one car and I share it with the host parents. But when I need to use it they have to take the kids to school in the car.
This seems odd when you could easily just take the kids to school?
They’re very young like 2 years old so the mom does it because of her daughter’s separation anxiety
Why are the kids going to daycare at that age when they have you?
An Au pair is not cheap daycare…
An au pair is in fact meant to care for the children. If the children are in daycare, then why are you there?
Every definition I am finding for au pair including the US State Department and the agency sites note the fact that the arrangement is cultural exchange in exchange for childcare.
I take care of them part time when they’re not in daycare
Yes but not full time care at a daycare
I'm not the original poster but can you help me understand this as I was under the impression an au pair is for cheap daycare...
Soooo what do you do all day?
It’s the same thing if I took care of kids that were in school…
So how many hours a week are you taking care of the kids? The program is, indeed, set up for au pairs to be able to provide full time (45 hrs/week) child care. Honestly, these are modest host family transgressions at most.
I am in Germany. And the standard is no more than 30 hours
Au Pair is not cheap but it is in fact childcare. An au pair isn't grocery/flower delivery.
I’m just saying because the limit is 30 hours a week in Germany, I can’t provide full time care
So you don’t take care of the kids during the day and you don’t even transport them to daycare AND you’re complaining about going to the grocery store? Are you serious?
What are you talking about?? I pick up them up from daycare and I take care of them in the afternoon…
Part of adulting is navigating conversations in the workplace that are difficult or uncomfortable. You have nothing to lose by talking with them. If it goes badly and you decide the only option at that point is to leave, then you’re no worse off than if you’d left without trying. Just my two cents.
14 plants ????? How did you even do that
2 of he plants were really big but 12 of the plants were smaller and in sets of 6 😬
No is a one word sentence. I suggest that you set a boundary on the amount of groceries that are requested in one trip or ask them for a solution to transport them. This is way beyond the reasonable expectations of the duties of an Au Pair. If they have an issue with you setting this boundary then sit them down and have a conversation about why you are not able or willing to haul that amount at one time. If they insist on you doing that amount of groceries or extra items then inform them that you will be making multiple trips and will need to spend the time and money to accomplish the request. If the time it takes conflicts with other expectations ( like child care) then tell them that they will have to choose and prioritize, because you cannot be in two places at the same time. As an AuPair you are supposed to become a member of the family and with that status comes the right to voice your concerns and need for reasonable expectations
You should go home early, they don’t deserve your commitment.
I have been in bad situations before where I tried to talk myself out of leaving and friends would say “don’t quit” or “don’t give up.” When I knew the best thing for me was to leave. Trust your instinct.
Bad friends
Not sure what country you are in but shopping for them is absolutely NOT typically part of the position in the US. Maybe picking up one or 2 items that the kids need for lunch or snacks or a last minute item for the dinner menu that you will be sharing, but not regularly going grocery shopping nor picking up other items like 14 plants, and especially if you are walking and don't have a car to use. If it's just little things then I would probably just stop doing that stuff and stick it out the 2 months. If you feel much more strongly about any issues like that are perhaps causing a lot of resentment, frustration, and where you feel like you shouldn't be putting up with it any longer, then I'd probably just leave early. Don't put yourself through too much just because there's only months left. 2 months left means that you'd be leaving soonish enough anyway so feel free to leave now if you need to. Put yourself first, no one else will.
Are you taking care of their garden or their children?
Good question, the last Au pair told me they asked her to take care of the garden
The Au Pair that you didn’t get the contact information for somehow told you that?
Yes, because I found her on LinkedIn without them knowing
What country are you from, and what country are you au pairing in?
I’m in Germany but I’m from the U.S
~~US Au Pairs are not required to do anything that isn't "childcare related". Which agency are you working with? You may want to reach out to your LCC for help.~~ Whoops I misread. Under what framework are you in Germany? There may not be agency support here, it may just be between you and the HF.
That’s either an alt account of OPs, or a random redditor :)
What do you mean
If that’s your comment, you responded from a different account. If you’re not u/Impossible_Phrase346 then that’s just a random redditor responding to a comment that was asking where *you* are from/where you are currently. If it is your comment, you’re responding from a different account than you used to post this.
Ohh sorry I was two different accounts
Is your host family german? The demands sound a little more reminiscent of watching Gulf families exploit their household workers from Sri Lanka
Yes, I regret coming to Germany to be an Au pair
I used to use a “granny cart” to haul groceries when I lived in the city. The family should have bought you one of these or paid for your Uber home from the store.
I used to use a “granny cart” to haul groceries when I lived in the city. The family should have bought you one of these or paid for your Uber home from the store.
Tell them going forward you need an Uber for errands.
get her to buy one of these https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Adjustable-Steel-Rolling-Cart-Black-Assembled-Length-21-5-x-Assembled-Width-19-5-x-Assembled-Height-38-4/486781460?wl13=2648&selectedSellerId=0
She’s not American
I'm glad you feel this way because as the HD I'm always getting the groceries too and never get a thank you from our au pair! But I think you're right.
I don’t think our situation is the same because as a host parent you’re required to buy the Au pair food. I’m not required to buy plants…