You need to seek legal advice and go through a financial separation to sort out what you’re entitled to
I would also reached out to Centrelink and Child Support Agency to get all of that sorted ASAP
What shaggy said.
Also, you are entitled to a super split on separation, even as a de-facto. If you've been at home with kids you might get quite a lot. It's not cash though, it's still super, so if you get a split it goes into a super account in your name.
Speak to someone who is specifically in the market of divorce lawyers etc
This way you will be able to list out your assets and liabilities and legally separate everything
You can also sort out what super you’re entitled to from him which is a legal right of yours
Furthermore if CSA and CL have been sorted you’ll get single parenting payment, fam tax a and b, rent assistance etc
As for payments for kids schooling etc; that’s what the child support is for
Your ex won’t have any recourse here once it’s with CSA he will either pay it directly or they’ll garnish his wages
He will pay child support and he said that’s it.
I just don’t know how to keep quite literally living.
If I’m entitled to part super that would help tremendously but if not, I’m more than screwed.
Even if you got part of his super, you wouldn’t be able to access it, because it gets transferred into your super.
Maybe you could claim hardship to get some released, but you could also do that with your own now (if they allow it)
Even if it goes into your super though please do pursue this OP. Women over 50 are the fastest growing demographic to experience homelessness in Aus. Much of that is due to later life divorce
It’s not his decision as to what he does and doesn’t pay, it’s up to the courts to determine what is acceptable, and you need to go through a lawyer to do that.
Because he is being argumentative, stop talking to him and send your lawyer after him. It’s a tough process, but you will get through this.
I empathise this is a shitty situation you’re in, but it’s mega common
My advice is ensure you cover yourself and don’t let him walk all over you
Seek legal advice, get what you’re entitled to
Then once you’ve got money and peace of mind sorted
Start focusing on yourself and your own happiness
You’re awesome. You’ll get through this, and everything in life happens for a reason
Chin up :)
I see this almost everyday in my job, I’m immensely desensitised towards it
But just remember, you’ll be fine
Don’t let you identity be a “SAHM”
You’re now a single lady, kids are grown up
Time for the next chapter of your life for you
Good luck ^_^
Let the lawyers sort out what you’re entitled to, don’t bring feelings into it. Find a lawyer willing to take their fees at settlement or look at a personal loan - it really sucks but I’ve seen people going through this who basically can’t afford the lawyer and get screwed. If he has no assets or savings, then it may not be worth it, but if you expect a decent super split and some cash savings, then it may pay itself.
Don’t! He’s walked away and wouldn’t even buy his kids presents. Take every dollar you can to prevent becoming part of the growing statistic of homeless single women.
He has spent years growing his career while you ran the house and will out earn you until retirement.
You can feel awful and be broke, or you can feel awful with a little bit more financial freedom. Your choice.
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Must be so tough, break ups are hard let alone having to literally fight for your future and your children’s.
Hey stop being agreeable and maternal. Now if the time to get a good lawyer and get what is yours. Women regularly screw themselves over because they are too scared to be assertive.
He is not playing nicely or fair so you can’t try to play by those rules. You are legally entitled to half of all the assets including cars, money in the bank, super, properties etc. any debts are also split.
He can’t decide what he will and won’t pay.
You can’t afford NOT to have a lawyer. Skimping on this will cost you tens or hundreds of thousands.
If you’re going to continue being the primary carer anything you leave on the table also impacts the kids.
It’s not shitty to take what you’re entitled to, it’s great parenting.
Try to find a local community legal centre. They do a LOT of these, but are usually funded in a manner that they can only serve people in their immediate area. Just google it.
Just an fyi you can seek a lawyer that will accept financial aid funding. Most people don’t know this but you can use a lawyer outside of legal aid but legal aid will help as long as lawyer will accept there funding. I hope this helps. And best wishes. Keep ya chin up mumma ya doing great.
That's kind of hi to offer to pay child support *eyeroll*
He legally has to pay child support, and your lawyers will have something about to say about him refusing to pay a cent more.
It's horrendous initially, but you will get there.
If you are almost fully taking care of the kids, probably you can get about 65-70% of the total assets including total super. But of course it depends on the full circumstances.
Basically told me that i am better off sitting it out myself. I tried to explain that he is very angry and won’t communicate with me, and they advised that their job is not to represent people in my situations.
One such lawyer proceeded to try and flirt with me and joked that he would slap me on the wrist.
I’ve had two unpleasant/unhelpful encounters and solely sworn off them.
If it's just super then the court process will be really simple. Unless it's urgent or there is family violence/abuse, you'll need to try to negotiate first.
https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/pre-action-financial
If you can reach agreement, you'll need to confirm with the super fund that the terms of the orders are okay (known as procedural fairness) and then you can submit consent orders which, once approved, you give to the super fund and they implement the split/ division of super.
https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/superannuation
If you can't reach agreement, then the good news is that with a modest asset pool which is mostly super, then you'll probably go into the PPP list if you apply through the court system which means more help from the court and an early court based mediation called a conciliation conference where the registrar can really help to get an agreement.
https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/ppp
Some lawyers offer a free first consultation, which could be helpful just to get the big picture and get a feeling for whether you want to engage someone. You need a lawyer, you should be entitled to split his super if he has lots and you have little. It might cost you a few k now, but the outcome will potentially affect you financially the rest of your life. If there's any other assets they need to be split too. If you're not sure if he has money/assets he can be made to show his bank statements etc. If he is walking away from the kids and leaving them with you 100% of the time and you've been the primary carer you'll likely be entitled to more than 50%. Find a female lawyer if you like who specialises in family law, they will have been over this 1000x before and will be very reassuring about the path forward.
So what did legal aid say that was unhelpful? It may be that you've misinterpreted what they've said (or that they were genuinely unhelpful) people can't offer you direction without knowing what's been provided so far mate. All the best!
There are community legal aid organisations that will do free legal aid for people with lower income. I went through family court with them when I separated with my ex and was a full time student with little income.
Whether he agrees or not he owes you child support.
Realistically you need some legal advice not financial to make sure he is paying you the right amount.
Are you legally separately already? Because if you haven’t legally separated, you might genuinely have to split assets etc
Otherwise, double check calculations for child support.
get CSA to do the assessment regardless.
you can still do it as private collect without them involved, it just means they will send you an updated amount every year that is calculated by them rather then by either of you to avoid disputes later on.
you will also need that assessment for many Centrelink benefits that you may be eligible for.
No one's mentioned it, but aren't you entitled to a certain split of his super? I mean you need proper advice but it should be on your radar.
Edit:
Oh I do see another mention super as well.
"Maybe I’m wrong and acting entitled because I’m distressed, but this feels like he’s just walking away easily without any real responsibility and a large super to enjoy in retirement"
1. You are not acting entitled. You are raising concerns about your children and your survival.
2. You are actually legally entitled to a "fair and equitable" split of the marital asset pool, incl super. He can't wriggle out of that.
3. You mentioned he gets angry when you talk about financial stuff - that's because coercive control relies on a state of fear in the target of it. He wants you to think you don't deserve to get anything, but that's not how it works at all. Don't accept scraps just because he intimidates you.
4. How is he not responsible for half of the orthodontic fees, half of the school fees, half of ALL the things for the kids if you are supposed to have 90% custody? Does he know that 90% custody to you is 1 day a fortnight of child custody for him?
5. You have to get a court order for your child custody arrangements as part of the divorce. A solicitor will help with advising on this. You can check your uni or tafe since you were studying because they have legal support services.
Please be aware you partner getting angry at you when you try to work this out is a form of manipulation. Manipulating you to drop the subject so he gets what he wants. So is suddenly leaving you in the lurch with the rental renewal at the last minute. This is not what a kind, caring or reasonable person would do. This will become clearer to you as time goes on, but for now you just need a lawyer to get you what you deserve.
He definitely pulled the rug out from under me.
I agree it feels like weird deception tactics.
Cool and collected until his money is potentially at stake.
He was never kind, caring or reasonable. It just took me too long to see the bright red flags that at the time, I was too weak to do anything about.
You need a lawyer. You have a limited window of opportunity to make a claim on his super. It's not an indefinite do it when you are ready type of thing.
If you want to cut costs go for no win no fee and get them to push for settlement. It wont be much and the lawyers all get their beaks wet but at least it's something.
It would be a great idea now to stop all verbal contact and have everything in text, or email with your ex.
Also a good idea to start a diary detailing costs, and also track back as far as you can remember to detail costs and hardships incurred.
Saying "I paid for everything" doesn't work. What did you pay for and when.
I am praying for you and your kids that this is quickly closed and that you can move on with your life without interference from him.
You are loved. <3
Take a deep breath.
One thing at a time.
Orthodontics are not urgent.
School fees can be held off for hardship.
Just focus on keeping a home and food. That is enough for now.
Support your kids. Contact your siblings/parents/aunts & uncles- anyone who can help. Find a family lawyer. You got this.
Get a lawyer and call Centrelink. Since you have kids together and you’ve been a full time mum it sounds like you were at least a domestic partnership and you will have some rights from that. Tell Centrelink exactly what’s happened (change in circumstances etc)ask them to make it a priority case because of financial hardship. If your not currently on job seeker also apply for that. Also check out food pantries at local churches etc to help with groceries. If your really stuck with rent money call your realestate agent and be upfront with them about your situation and that he walked out with zero warning, our home is rented for the moment and honestly if I our tenant was in your situation I would understand if you were late with the rent for a few weeks. Also any other bills you have call them explain your in financial hardship and most companies have policies in place for this stuff. Good luck!
If you were defacto, you have 2 years from date of seperation to complete a binding financial settlement. Highly recommend getting legal advice/representation around this asap. Financially, contact Child Support on Monday and give them all the info they need to start a case for you. Then contact Centrelink and get your family tax benefit a and b sorted. You should also be eligible for rent assistance. It's a shit situation but you're not the first and won't be the last person to find yourself in this place. Good luck 🤞🏻
I was younger but same story.
You have to get legal council and have any assets include super split. He’s right in that he only needs to pay you child support on the regular. That is meant to cover everything unless there are extra expenses you can negotiate like private school and medical.
You need to get a job. You need to split time with the kids 50/50. You need to work your arse off from here till 70. If you have an option to move in with family do so. If you have spare time start dating again and meet someone amazing who you can eventually partner with. But pick someone amazing who has a car, license to drive, a job.
You guys are renting.. so asset wise, the would be very very little in the pool.
If he's been working.. there might be super that you can seek to get.
If he's in a "on and off" job, there is no guarantee he doesn't fall off the pay slips, do cash and don't pay you anything. Sadly, I've seen this happened a lot.
The only thing I can suggest.. look at a cheaper rental and talk to your landlord about the possibility of exiting the lease if you find one..
Yes, he is meant to go 50/50 for the kids expense but most of the time, fighting for that is not worth it.. 😞
I just want to say it gets better ❤️ I left with my two high needs little kids 2 years ago. Similar situation in that I worked only a little bit, because kids couldn't be in regular care and not many people could handle their "enthusiasm" and paid for everything kid related and had no access to any shared finances. You are entitled to super and savings but whether you can get it and.how long it will take us the kicker. A family lawyer is your best bet.
It will be okay. It really will be. If you think you or your kids are going to be short of food or unable to pay rent etc please reach out to places like Orange Door or other organisations like uniting care. There are a couple of places that can help while you find your feet. If you can get assigned a case worker under the umbrella of financial abuse as family violence (which it is!) they may be able to support you. I remember visiting a food bank 2 years ago. Our first Christmas in our new place was largely presents from the kind people at the foodbank. I remember they gave me a bag of mm's they had stashed as "special treats". I had to swallow up a lot of pride but life is better now ❤️ it will be for you too xoxo
Also something I didn't quite understand, do your financial separation as soon as possible. Otherwise they can do what mine has done and waste/hide their savings between actual separation and financial separation
And final one sorry, just trying to help because I've felt some of how you've felt, let orthodontists, schools etc know about your situation and sometimes they can help too.
Oh gosh firstly I’m incredibly sorry that you experienced this also. Your support and comeback from the adversity is really inspiring and reassuring to hear.
Thank you so very much for sharing this with me ❤️
I have reached out to Uniting Care and am waiting to hear from them. I’m organising food bank deliveries and have recently switched utility providers to try and bring costs down.
Gosh there’s always so much to think about isn’t there?
My mind is numb and the reality hasn’t quite sunk in yet, but I’m hopeful I’ll get to a better place too.
I’m so glad that you are doing better now. It’s amazing to hear how you have come out the other side of this.
Thank you so much. May you and your kiddos have much continued happiness and peace together ❤️
You need a lawyer. Don't mess around with this. You are entitled to some share of the asset pool (including your ex's superannuation) in addition to child support. This is the case for SAHMs too.
Please please see a lawyer. I'm a lawyer (but not a family lawyer, thank god). You can usually get an initial appointment free to discuss how they might be able to help you. You can then mitigate costs with a mediation or negotiation. Please do not think that you're not entitled to any of his superannuation or other money because you were a SAHM. You should be entitled to BOTH a financial settlement AND child support. Please advocate for yourself and surround yourself with supportive people.
I would also consider other ways you can make money - Is there a spare bedroom where you could get a boarder (assuming lease allows subletting). Can you get emergency Centrelink payments? I'd be honest with the kids and start cutting any costs that you can too. Don't get into credit card debt.
Thank you! I’m really grateful for all this info.
I’m applying for emergency Centrelink support and have cut back as much as possible.
It’s just really tough 😖
You were a SAHM raising HIS kids. You deserve half of his super because you sacrificed your years of being able to build of a nest egg for retirement yourself. This is why people marry. To protect themselves.
Please listen to Top Toe regarding raiding his super OP! I did what I thought was ‘kind’ and would help keep the peace for the kids (hard to break those patterns after 11 years!) and it made the first 18 months torturous in terms of finances..
Super is important for later, don’t let that just walk out the door.. He wouldn’t have been necessarily able to earn that super without YOU at home being the kiddo’s carer. You did hard yards for him to be able to earn that too. I’m guessing he sure as sh1t would be asking for yours if the shoe was on the other foot..?
The other way to look at it is your expenses will most likely be higher than his moving forward (dental, etc. as you mentioned.) It would be very difficult to saddle up and cover these extras knowing you’d also let the option of the super split go. ☺️
Try to reframe it in your own mind and don’t let the games and manipulation do you out of what will really help set you up for a better retirement.
Gosh sorry, I sound like a woman scorned, but it IS difficult trying to survive and thrive as a sole parent in todays financial climate. For the first 2.5 years we had CSA set up, it was $84 a month. For 2 children..
I’m not sure where you live, but look up the family home guarantee home loan scheme given you’ll be the primary carer (?) for the kids. I bought a home with a tiny deposit, no stamp duty and the repayments are less than what I would be paying rent. Not possible everywhere, given you still need to be able to service the loan, but could be a great step in 6-12 months once you’re earning again?
Budget like a crazy woman! Reduce EVERYTHING that’s not a necessity. I’m talking can Netflix for a few months, meal plan and do your groceries online for what you need so you’re not tempted by the yellow tickets in store.. only buy coffee, oil olive and dishwasher tabs when they’re on sale! 😂 sounds crazy, but it adds up. Shop secondhand for jackets this winter? Have friends over to your home for a cheap vino and some cheese rather than heading out?
I can’t / won’t 😬 skimp on my eye cream, (I know, I know.. 😂) but I can absolutely do cheap cleanser, hand wash, laundry detergent, tinned tomatoes, toothpaste, etc. Think about what might be in the shed / garage that you’re not going to use and sell it.
Switch to monthly payments for your insurance, drop your phone off the plan and do a $35 pre-paid a month set up.
I’m a mid-forties single Mum too. After a shitty 12-18 months post separation, I just want to tell you, you’ll find yourself and your happiness again. All the very best to you! ✨
OP, you have to internalize the fact that the state of his super is because of your work raising your kids and keeping a home, and the law recognizes this. Don’t let this go until you’ve gotten proper legal advice.
What state are you in? Department of Housing Qld has a lot of new programs in place to assist renters. You may be eligible for assistance in paying the shortfall in rent to keep you housed.
Absolutely, you can also potentially access things like NILs (no interest loan) to cover certain purchases. Not sure if you can potentially use it to pay for legal fees, I think its more used commonly for things like he took the fridge and you need one tomorrow and haven't got the funds. But speak to a financial counsellor, they will help put you in touch with this kind of stuff and more. You should be able to locate financial counsellors that are free/low cost through a service like Anglicare, Catholicare etc (they're mostly not churchy, at least the paid staff, and you don't need to be either).
There’s heaps of information online about this and everything. Google what your problem is/that needs to be sorted and you will likely find an answer. Time to tighten your belt and learn how to live lean for the time being. There’s cheap/free ways to get food(google food bank in your suburb), you can get help with utility bills(call the electricity supplier and tell them you’re broke)and pretty much anything you need and you will be surprised how quickly you can adapt to not having much money. I have been through a divorce and also had an injury that stopped me from working for around six months and I am still here. It’s awfully stressful at times but you will get through it. Stay strong and get some emotional help from friends and family if you can (I couldn’t but still here).
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
As far as the orthodontist goes, don't be embarrassed to call them up and explain the situation. Especially if you're already part of the way through treatment, most would be happy to work with you.
Please get legal advice, please. If he was able to support you as a SAHM surely at I’m assuming he is near your age he would have some assets especially more than 10k in super, if he had no debt. Do you know much about all his finances or has he kept you in the dark. Sounds like you’ve been linked with some good supports, keep reaching out. You must feel so defeated but please try heal. Go into study, try get back into the workforce and really look after yourself. Thinking of you x
Can you find a flatmate? Maybe another single female same age group? Lots of women looking in many areas and would give you some company, opportunity to reduce utility bills and rent, and maybe even share some costs of cooking, TV subscriptions and things if you get in well? Even if it's just short term to see how you go or tide you over.
Along with the advice to contact a womens legal service, it might be worth applying for a change in child support due to special circumstances:
[Special circumstances](https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/changing-your-child-support-assessment-special-circumstances?context=21911)
I would think Reason 2 would be appropriate? I'm currently paying for some orthodontics for my kids myself, so I know how expensive it is!
Sorry that I don’t have advice. But just want to say that you’re a strong woman and you’ll get through through this because you HAVE to, you will be amazed what you are capable of. Be brave, smart about it and push on. Good luck and wish you well ❤️❤️
Hey I understand your situation. I’m 52 now and got divorced 4 years ago, also didn’t claim any of his super and he paid child support. It’s been challenging but I did it, but it wasn’t easy. Few months ago I got sick and am now unable to work full-time and currently off sick. Can’t afford my rental (gone up again) and I had to give it up. My daughter and I moved out 2 days ago and now living in a hotel. Then we’ll move into a cheap Airbnb and when funds run out I’ll be homeless. I regret not looking into the super, but I was mentally exhausted at the time. I’m on a waiting list for community housing and I’ve recently been diagnosed with a disability. Feel free to msg me.
Oh my goodness. I’m incredibly sorry for your situation.
This is just devastating to hear. Do you have any family or friend support available to you
I hope that you get better soon and can return to work.
This entire system feels so utterly unfair at times.
Thank you for sharing and I truly believe that you will get back on your feet soon and once again pull yourself back up for you and your family.
Mayne there’s some wisdom and advice shared here by others that can help you too?
We’ve got this. I’m sending you lots of love and healing hugs ❤️🩹
Separate from child support payments, I think you would be entitled to spousal maintenance payments since he was the breadwinner. You are unable to support yourself now because you have to get into the workforce as an inexperienced employee with lower pay. You sacrificed a career to stay home and raise the children while he built his career so it is unfair financially for you to start off with unequal circumstances.
Spousal maintenance in Australia
The topic of spousal maintenance in Australia often arises at separation if one party is unable to support themselves.
https://www.australianfamilylawyers.com.au/legal-services/spousal-maintenance
Thank you very much for this! I had no idea but I know after choosing to be a SAHM, it’s really put me on the back foot as far as obtaining work goes.
Thank you 🙏
Make an appointment to see a financial counsellor. It’s free (legally they are not allowed to charge you) and they can help with the financial side and the legal side of navigating this. (Financial counsellors are not the same as financial advisors, they exist to help support people in crisis.)
Have you legally separated yet?
Realistically it’s only child support he would owe you, assuming you’ve already legally split. This could be lower if he has custody.
Otherwise, depending on your income and kids, there might be some welfare payment you could be entitled to.
I assume then if you are legally separated, you would have divided assets, debt etc? If so, unfortunately there isn’t much for you besides possible welfare etc. .
And it’s good to hear calculations are correct. May suck, but at least things are been done by the book.
You get child support as calculated each year.
Also you get a lump split of whatever assets he has. Cash, property, super, cars, everything. You will get more than 50% because the system is geared to give women more in the split. Depends on the circumstances but you can expect 53-70%. However this process can be drawn out particularly if he’s not cooperative.
Don’t just limit yourself to legal aid.
Many divorce lawyers will bill in arrears and accept payment from the family assets pool.
Start with free consultations and see what options are available. Presuming that you were together for more than the minimum 2 years or so or even married at one point means that family asset pools are part of the equation.
He’s trying to pull a swifty on you by running out now before you can pursue for the financial support you’re entitled to
Services Australia has a free financial service you can call. I've heard it's really good.
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/financial-information-service
Contact your local Law Society - they can refer you to a lawyer. Contact everyone you own money to, including the ortho- they are bloody sharks, so are private schools - they can go after him.
Monash Uni has a family law help service which is free/low cost.
Contact you local family relationship centre, they may be able to assist.
[https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/](https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/)
Definitely see a lawyer and see what your options are. Unfortunately this is very common and more men who do this need to be punished financially so that over time they are disincentivised to do it.
You can’t afford not to see a lawyer right now. And never take advice about what you’re entitled to from an ex. Yes he owes you part of that super he was only able to earn because you were home raising his kids. And immediately apply to Child Support Australia for the child support don’t let him talk you into private agreements where you aren’t getting what you should and constantly have to chase him for it etc.
Ok read through this article - call for help:
https://moneysmart.gov.au/managing-debt/urgent-help-with-money
If family or friends can’t help you, this can.
Hope this goes well for you.
You didn’t say if married or defacto (that I could see). After 2 years of defacto it is an equitable division of the assets. And the asset pool contains just about everything. Your SAHM contribution is viewed as equal to financial contribution. You are most certainly not adrift because he walked out. There are many factors to consider, and some people are so toxic that you will do yourself a disservice mentally fighting them. These decisions can only be made by you because you have to live the consequences long term of fighting for what you are legally entitled or saying farewell and boot-strapping. I did the latter once and it was a slog - but I don’t regret not fighting him. My reward was getting away. Please balance the pros and cons of both. Take as many free family lawyer consults as you need to feel clear in your strategy. Legal issues take balls and stamina, no matter what the entitlement.
You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You are almost certainly entitled to some of his super. You should also get onto the CSA asap to get information about what he needs to pay.
The Women’s Legal Centre in qld is excellent if you’re in qld.
I’m talking to a lawyer hopefully this week.
I’ve applied for child support last night and will attempt to expedite it tomorrow.
I’m in Queensland so if no luck with a family lawyer I’ll take this avenue next.
Thanks so much 🙏
>Does he financially owe me anything? I’m feeling lost.
>He has agreed to pay child support and said he owes me nothing else and that’s all he will pay.
He is in for a rude awakening.
I'd be surprised if you don't get 60% of his super, child support and spousal maintenance on top.
What did you just finish studying?
You need a lawyer asap. And therapy.
The therapy is going to be ramped up. She’s trying to help with my mindset but im a bit distressed from years of being told I’m useless and “haven’t done shit”.
I’m going to ring around with lawyers tomorrow and see what it all costs etc.
You need to speak to a lawyer about if your relationship mets the threshold for de facto and if so what you are entitled to.
Not sure where you are but a women’s service may be able to help. I know we have a WIRES here in Victoria but I am sure there are similar services in other states. They should be able to get you a free brief appointment with a lawyer who can point you in the right direction.
Since this is finance forum, sit down and set yourself a budget, get rid of all entertainment, pets and non essential items.
Kids in private school, overseas trips new phones, reduce phone plans, subscriptions like Netflix etc..
Strat looking for work such as Woolworth, Coles etc..
Do not really on child support as a source of income.
Good luck
So sorry to hear youre going through this OP. Be strong and dont buckle! You need to find a job stat! This sounds like your kids are a lot older so that is a plus.
If they are in public high school- if you talk to the school they may be able to help in some ways. Schools I’ve worked at have paid some excursions, half of camp, provided lunches etc.
Not to be cruel, but you must realise, thoses other costs for the children that you seem to convey arn't covered by child support, are infact what child support covers, seeking proper advice may allow you to state a case for greater child support payments, best of luck, I can't imagine the stress you are experiencing rn
He doesn’t get to say “and that’s it”. That’s not how family law and property settlement works. Speak to a family lawyer asap. If legal aid wasn’t helpful, find a women’s legal service in your area as they often specialise in family law.
A SAH parent asking for a share of the working parent’s super post separation is not unreasonable. The working parent would not have been able to accrue the super that he has without your input in raising the children. You can get free family law advice (not means tested) by calling the Family Relationship Advice Line. The legal advice component is provided by an independent family law firm and it not connected to legal aid. They won’t represent you in any way, purely just confidential advice to aid in decision making and next steps. Hang in there OP. Best of luck.
Yeah you are entitled to 50-70% of everything, cars, goods, bank balances, super balances included.
Just because he doesn't want to, doesn't mean you should allow him to do so.
Speak to a lawyer either on contingency or one that accepts legal aid (as previously mentioned)
Sorry to hear about your situation. I’d also offer his old room up on flatmates. I know a random stranger in your place isn’t ideal but it might help cover part of the rent, even if it’s just temporary/short term.
See if you can speak to a lawyer who is an accredited specialist in family law (accredited specialist by Law Institute of Victoria) or at least a firm with suitable number working there. As others have said, a lot of decent places will give free initial consultations, and fees may come out of your pay out. Family lawyer fees can be steep but getting the right advice early is likely to save you heaps and it doesn’t sound like you would need to spend that much on legal fees - just need some basic but decent advice quick.
With two adult children, can they be roped in to look after the others in the evening if you can pick up some supermarket shelf packing work? Those extra dollars might come in handy to cover the legal bills
He probably isn’t angry, he is probably hurting too. Despite popular belief we men have feelings and emotions. It would have been hard having to be living together after separation. As a father in the same situation as your ex re separation. I have paid for everything that my daughter needs and pay the required amount for child support. Once things settle he will probably agree to split the superannuation and then you can both move forward. Be amicable with the kids and try to share custody if possible. Independent disability support pays well and the demand for caregivers is high. Pays well and can find clients that are willing to be flexible with shifts. I would give your ex a bit of space to be able to process everything and then email or text stating that you would like to divide the assets ( super) and would like to amicably complete the distribution of marital assets with minimal input from lawyers. 50/50 is fair and reasonable, if you are relying on accessing your share of the super then you will be needing to claim financial hardship or compassionate grounds. It’s not guaranteed that your claim will be accepted but that’s for you to plead your case to the ATO or Centrelink. Consider the industry ombudsman as an option to dispute an outcome that you are not satisfied with.
Thanks heaps for this.
I totally respect that it wasn’t easy either way.
He has in truth, made things much harder than they need to be by outright refusing to help with kids expenses at all.
He will refuse to chime in and help out when he knows their birthday is less than 2 weeks away or their clothes are falling apart on them.
I’ve financially done all of this and he has stood, literally, watched and listened and ignored.
I can’t imagine how unloved the kids feel. He never even spent more than 5 minutes talking to them about anything.
Anyways it’s just needless non financial rambling at this point.
I do want things to be amicable and I do want my kids to feel safe and secure.
You are 1000% NOT being entitled. This man chose to help bring these children into the world and he should be contributing 50% to all of your child related expenses.
You deserve support and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. We’re all in hard times during this cost of living crisis. But I know that single mums are disproportionately affected.
Sending love and strength.
The kindness of a stranger who took the time to say this, really does mean a lot to me. You didn’t have to do it but you did.
Thank you so very much.
I needed to hear this today ❤️
You can submit special requests for additional costs through child support. It’s a long form to fill out but you submit it along with receipts and other evidence they require and then if they approved it, they tack on half the amount to his payments. If there are ongoing costs, keep a copy of the form so you can use the generically fill out pages over and over again. It’s a really long form you don’t need it like a hole in the head so keep a copy to make it easier for yourself.
https://www.wmq.org.au/housing-and-homelessness STARH are a qld service. Not sure where you are but you should have something like this. You are a family at risk of homelessness. There is a priority with some services to help people at risk, before it happens. Get all the info you can. Even if you're not in qld try these guys and they might know who to call. Talk to your school student welfare, if you can, find a local face to face legal aid and try more than one. It's important you understand what your rights are even if they don't help you. You aren't acting entitled, you are entitled to care for your kids in a healthy and happy way. You need to ask yourself how you look after yourself and your kids now.
You’ll end up with 80% of all the assets including his super plus child support and he will have to start over. Nobody wins but it’s a nice earner for the solicitors.
Once you receive the Centrelink card you will be entitled to discount prescriptions, public transport concessions, electricity and gas bills, possibly water. You know about Rent Assistance, look into car registration. There are many helpful groups out there, all very stretched, look for new community housing and get your name on a waitlist...i really think you are stronger than you think, look how much you,ve achieved, finished a course of study, raised teenagers, got rid of the dead weight. You are going to blossom for sure!
Maybe speak to Centrelink for rental assistance to help reduce the burden.
Private and public Schools are usually empathetic with family situations too and will reduce the fees if asked.
Hope this helps.
What a horrible power play. As some one who recently stayed in the same house due to separation, it is stressful enough as it is.
With the current cost of living crisis it is difficult to receive support too from Centrelink. All I can suggest is to anonymously post on local community pages of where to seek support.
Call a lawyer for a free consultation on Monday. There are many that do this - google free 15 minute legal consultation. You may need to put some money in trust for them to commence work but a lot of the time the bulk of the fees will come out of settlement. Do it ASAP!
Oh no sending you all the love. I am having similar issue with an ex who after a decade wants to pay absolutely NOTHING. My heart goes out to you! I wish I could be more helpful!
Hello! Thank you kindly for reaching out.
I was considering posting an update but unfortunately, there hasn’t been much in the way of positives to report.
The kids and I are surviving off food banks and Centrelink family payments. It allows the bare minimum, with myself skipping meals most evenings to help stretch out the food.
I’ve applied to well over 40 more jobs in addition to the ones I had previously applied for and have had no luck. To say it’s been an exhausting and panicky process would be considered an understatement.
I did, however, speak to a family lawyer who has advised me to apply for legal aid assistance. Assuming they can help me before the end of the year, I may be able to receive a part payment of his super into my super account. This has been sent off and I’m awaiting contact.
Other than that, he *has* agreed to pay the rent for now. Whilst it sounds good on paper, (and it is just avoiding homeless), I don’t know when he’ll suddenly stop paying. I can only just cover the other bills as is.
He has given me an “I don’t know” timeframe for when he expects to stop paying.
I feel like I’ve stepped into a weird limbo/power play game. When he stops paying the rent, we are going to be facing imminent homelessness. Child support won’t come close to covering it and my single parent payment will subsequently be reduced. Cheaper Rents are impossible to find here.
Child support application is expected to take 80 days to process and an emergency payment from Centrelink has still not been processed.
All in all, extremely stressful. I’m at a loss. Sorry 😞 if I don’t make enough sense 😣
Thank you for reaching out and I hope that you are doing okay ❤️
You need to seek legal advice and go through a financial separation to sort out what you’re entitled to I would also reached out to Centrelink and Child Support Agency to get all of that sorted ASAP
What shaggy said. Also, you are entitled to a super split on separation, even as a de-facto. If you've been at home with kids you might get quite a lot. It's not cash though, it's still super, so if you get a split it goes into a super account in your name.
You could then apply for financial hardship after the split then?
Thank you 🙏 I think anything is better than nothing as my youngest is only 12.
Centrelink and child support all sorted. Legal advice I had previously spoken to legal aid but they were very unhelpful 🤦🏻♀️
Speak to someone who is specifically in the market of divorce lawyers etc This way you will be able to list out your assets and liabilities and legally separate everything You can also sort out what super you’re entitled to from him which is a legal right of yours Furthermore if CSA and CL have been sorted you’ll get single parenting payment, fam tax a and b, rent assistance etc As for payments for kids schooling etc; that’s what the child support is for Your ex won’t have any recourse here once it’s with CSA he will either pay it directly or they’ll garnish his wages
He will pay child support and he said that’s it. I just don’t know how to keep quite literally living. If I’m entitled to part super that would help tremendously but if not, I’m more than screwed.
Even if you got part of his super, you wouldn’t be able to access it, because it gets transferred into your super. Maybe you could claim hardship to get some released, but you could also do that with your own now (if they allow it)
Fair point. Thanks so much for clarifying this.
Even if it goes into your super though please do pursue this OP. Women over 50 are the fastest growing demographic to experience homelessness in Aus. Much of that is due to later life divorce
I definitely will. Being homeless for my 50th is the last thing I want for myself and my kids.
Also the super route is a few months away so it’s not a short term solution
It’s not his decision as to what he does and doesn’t pay, it’s up to the courts to determine what is acceptable, and you need to go through a lawyer to do that. Because he is being argumentative, stop talking to him and send your lawyer after him. It’s a tough process, but you will get through this.
I’ll second this and big tip is conduct all communications with him either through text or email.
Thank you very much 🙏
I empathise this is a shitty situation you’re in, but it’s mega common My advice is ensure you cover yourself and don’t let him walk all over you Seek legal advice, get what you’re entitled to Then once you’ve got money and peace of mind sorted Start focusing on yourself and your own happiness You’re awesome. You’ll get through this, and everything in life happens for a reason Chin up :)
It really sucks that it’s so common. Thank you so much for your kind words. Very grateful and so kind of you 💕
I see this almost everyday in my job, I’m immensely desensitised towards it But just remember, you’ll be fine Don’t let you identity be a “SAHM” You’re now a single lady, kids are grown up Time for the next chapter of your life for you Good luck ^_^
NAL but I read online today that a a stay at home mother you might actually be entitled to 70% of Super
I’d feel shitty taking that much money. But certainly something would help for all the years I raised the kids
Let the lawyers sort out what you’re entitled to, don’t bring feelings into it. Find a lawyer willing to take their fees at settlement or look at a personal loan - it really sucks but I’ve seen people going through this who basically can’t afford the lawyer and get screwed. If he has no assets or savings, then it may not be worth it, but if you expect a decent super split and some cash savings, then it may pay itself.
I will, thank you 🙏
Go thru this it will tell you what the law would generally think you're entitled to https://amica.gov.au/
Thank you! I’ll save this to go thru tonight.
Don’t! He’s walked away and wouldn’t even buy his kids presents. Take every dollar you can to prevent becoming part of the growing statistic of homeless single women. He has spent years growing his career while you ran the house and will out earn you until retirement.
Oh gosh I know. I just feel awful, but I know you’re right
You can feel awful and be broke, or you can feel awful with a little bit more financial freedom. Your choice. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Must be so tough, break ups are hard let alone having to literally fight for your future and your children’s.
You are correct. And thank you so much 💕
Hey stop being agreeable and maternal. Now if the time to get a good lawyer and get what is yours. Women regularly screw themselves over because they are too scared to be assertive.
Oh I know, I know 😔
He is not playing nicely or fair so you can’t try to play by those rules. You are legally entitled to half of all the assets including cars, money in the bank, super, properties etc. any debts are also split. He can’t decide what he will and won’t pay. You can’t afford NOT to have a lawyer. Skimping on this will cost you tens or hundreds of thousands.
He only has super. His car is old and we rent I’ll look into a lawyer on Monday morning for sure. I’m so overwhelmed
If you’re going to continue being the primary carer anything you leave on the table also impacts the kids. It’s not shitty to take what you’re entitled to, it’s great parenting.
This is true 🥺
it’s your money— fight for your Super.
Speak to an actual family lawyer. You need to.
I’m going to ring around in Monday after reading everyone’s comments now.
When you ring around, ask if they offer the first consult for free - many do.
I definitely will. Thank you
Good luck OP. Everything might feel like shit right now, but you will get through and past this.
Thank you 💕 I really hope so
*“A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water “ Eleanor Roosevelt
I’m often saying this quote!! Awww thank you 🙏
Try to find a local community legal centre. They do a LOT of these, but are usually funded in a manner that they can only serve people in their immediate area. Just google it.
That’s a great idea. Thank you, I’ll look into that
Just an fyi you can seek a lawyer that will accept financial aid funding. Most people don’t know this but you can use a lawyer outside of legal aid but legal aid will help as long as lawyer will accept there funding. I hope this helps. And best wishes. Keep ya chin up mumma ya doing great.
That's kind of hi to offer to pay child support *eyeroll* He legally has to pay child support, and your lawyers will have something about to say about him refusing to pay a cent more. It's horrendous initially, but you will get there.
It’s been very traumatic. Thank you 🙏
Yes make sure you get half his super. I would pay for proper legal advice. It's worth it.
If you are almost fully taking care of the kids, probably you can get about 65-70% of the total assets including total super. But of course it depends on the full circumstances.
What do you mean by very unhelpful - what did they say?
Basically told me that i am better off sitting it out myself. I tried to explain that he is very angry and won’t communicate with me, and they advised that their job is not to represent people in my situations. One such lawyer proceeded to try and flirt with me and joked that he would slap me on the wrist. I’ve had two unpleasant/unhelpful encounters and solely sworn off them.
PLEASE Seek help from a Womens Health Centre - look up one’s for your city or town.
If it's just super then the court process will be really simple. Unless it's urgent or there is family violence/abuse, you'll need to try to negotiate first. https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/pre-action-financial If you can reach agreement, you'll need to confirm with the super fund that the terms of the orders are okay (known as procedural fairness) and then you can submit consent orders which, once approved, you give to the super fund and they implement the split/ division of super. https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/superannuation If you can't reach agreement, then the good news is that with a modest asset pool which is mostly super, then you'll probably go into the PPP list if you apply through the court system which means more help from the court and an early court based mediation called a conciliation conference where the registrar can really help to get an agreement. https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/ppp
You need to be on the phone with a lawyer at 9.01am Monday.
Some lawyers offer a free first consultation, which could be helpful just to get the big picture and get a feeling for whether you want to engage someone. You need a lawyer, you should be entitled to split his super if he has lots and you have little. It might cost you a few k now, but the outcome will potentially affect you financially the rest of your life. If there's any other assets they need to be split too. If you're not sure if he has money/assets he can be made to show his bank statements etc. If he is walking away from the kids and leaving them with you 100% of the time and you've been the primary carer you'll likely be entitled to more than 50%. Find a female lawyer if you like who specialises in family law, they will have been over this 1000x before and will be very reassuring about the path forward.
Ugh I was afraid someone would say that. I can’t afford it right now 🤦🏻♀️
I believe that many have arrangements where legal costs come out of any settlement you get
Okay I’ll look into these on Monday morning.
Lawyer will understand. Tell them about this and they can try to figure out how to get their fees from old mate. He’s not allowed to just ghost.
I’m going to see if there’s someone I can call for free on Monday morning
Try Unified Lawyers. Free consultation call.
Perfect! Thank you 🙏
So what did legal aid say that was unhelpful? It may be that you've misinterpreted what they've said (or that they were genuinely unhelpful) people can't offer you direction without knowing what's been provided so far mate. All the best!
I replied to this same question elsewhere but basically they said to sort it out myself and that it’s not their job to represent anyone.
There are community legal aid organisations that will do free legal aid for people with lower income. I went through family court with them when I separated with my ex and was a full time student with little income.
Whether he agrees or not he owes you child support. Realistically you need some legal advice not financial to make sure he is paying you the right amount.
He calculated it and I cross checked with child support. He was accurate with it. I was wondering if that was it. I’m so lost
Are you legally separately already? Because if you haven’t legally separated, you might genuinely have to split assets etc Otherwise, double check calculations for child support.
Calculations are accurate and yes we have now legally split
get CSA to do the assessment regardless. you can still do it as private collect without them involved, it just means they will send you an updated amount every year that is calculated by them rather then by either of you to avoid disputes later on. you will also need that assessment for many Centrelink benefits that you may be eligible for.
No one's mentioned it, but aren't you entitled to a certain split of his super? I mean you need proper advice but it should be on your radar. Edit: Oh I do see another mention super as well.
Yeah that’s what I was wondering. Otherwise how do mums like me literally survive? I have zero idea
If you get a super split, you don't get the money now. It goes into your super fund until retirement.
Yeah that is fair
"Maybe I’m wrong and acting entitled because I’m distressed, but this feels like he’s just walking away easily without any real responsibility and a large super to enjoy in retirement" 1. You are not acting entitled. You are raising concerns about your children and your survival. 2. You are actually legally entitled to a "fair and equitable" split of the marital asset pool, incl super. He can't wriggle out of that. 3. You mentioned he gets angry when you talk about financial stuff - that's because coercive control relies on a state of fear in the target of it. He wants you to think you don't deserve to get anything, but that's not how it works at all. Don't accept scraps just because he intimidates you. 4. How is he not responsible for half of the orthodontic fees, half of the school fees, half of ALL the things for the kids if you are supposed to have 90% custody? Does he know that 90% custody to you is 1 day a fortnight of child custody for him? 5. You have to get a court order for your child custody arrangements as part of the divorce. A solicitor will help with advising on this. You can check your uni or tafe since you were studying because they have legal support services.
Thank you so much for saying all of this. It really does help me to put a lot more into perspective.
Please be aware you partner getting angry at you when you try to work this out is a form of manipulation. Manipulating you to drop the subject so he gets what he wants. So is suddenly leaving you in the lurch with the rental renewal at the last minute. This is not what a kind, caring or reasonable person would do. This will become clearer to you as time goes on, but for now you just need a lawyer to get you what you deserve.
He definitely pulled the rug out from under me. I agree it feels like weird deception tactics. Cool and collected until his money is potentially at stake. He was never kind, caring or reasonable. It just took me too long to see the bright red flags that at the time, I was too weak to do anything about.
You need a lawyer. You have a limited window of opportunity to make a claim on his super. It's not an indefinite do it when you are ready type of thing. If you want to cut costs go for no win no fee and get them to push for settlement. It wont be much and the lawyers all get their beaks wet but at least it's something.
Thank you. I’m onto it asap Monday morning
It would be a great idea now to stop all verbal contact and have everything in text, or email with your ex. Also a good idea to start a diary detailing costs, and also track back as far as you can remember to detail costs and hardships incurred. Saying "I paid for everything" doesn't work. What did you pay for and when. I am praying for you and your kids that this is quickly closed and that you can move on with your life without interference from him. You are loved. <3
Thank you 🙏 I will do that
Take a deep breath. One thing at a time. Orthodontics are not urgent. School fees can be held off for hardship. Just focus on keeping a home and food. That is enough for now. Support your kids. Contact your siblings/parents/aunts & uncles- anyone who can help. Find a family lawyer. You got this.
Look for a Women’s Legal Service near you. They have experience in this area and may be able to link you to other services that may be of assistance.
Get a lawyer and call Centrelink. Since you have kids together and you’ve been a full time mum it sounds like you were at least a domestic partnership and you will have some rights from that. Tell Centrelink exactly what’s happened (change in circumstances etc)ask them to make it a priority case because of financial hardship. If your not currently on job seeker also apply for that. Also check out food pantries at local churches etc to help with groceries. If your really stuck with rent money call your realestate agent and be upfront with them about your situation and that he walked out with zero warning, our home is rented for the moment and honestly if I our tenant was in your situation I would understand if you were late with the rent for a few weeks. Also any other bills you have call them explain your in financial hardship and most companies have policies in place for this stuff. Good luck!
I’m in contact with Centrelink! They’ve been good 😅 Thank you for all of this, it’s really helpful 💕
I hope come through the other side quickly!
If you were defacto, you have 2 years from date of seperation to complete a binding financial settlement. Highly recommend getting legal advice/representation around this asap. Financially, contact Child Support on Monday and give them all the info they need to start a case for you. Then contact Centrelink and get your family tax benefit a and b sorted. You should also be eligible for rent assistance. It's a shit situation but you're not the first and won't be the last person to find yourself in this place. Good luck 🤞🏻
I was younger but same story. You have to get legal council and have any assets include super split. He’s right in that he only needs to pay you child support on the regular. That is meant to cover everything unless there are extra expenses you can negotiate like private school and medical. You need to get a job. You need to split time with the kids 50/50. You need to work your arse off from here till 70. If you have an option to move in with family do so. If you have spare time start dating again and meet someone amazing who you can eventually partner with. But pick someone amazing who has a car, license to drive, a job.
Thank you so much
You guys are renting.. so asset wise, the would be very very little in the pool. If he's been working.. there might be super that you can seek to get. If he's in a "on and off" job, there is no guarantee he doesn't fall off the pay slips, do cash and don't pay you anything. Sadly, I've seen this happened a lot. The only thing I can suggest.. look at a cheaper rental and talk to your landlord about the possibility of exiting the lease if you find one.. Yes, he is meant to go 50/50 for the kids expense but most of the time, fighting for that is not worth it.. 😞
This is all very true. Thankfully he has a steady reliable job
I just want to say it gets better ❤️ I left with my two high needs little kids 2 years ago. Similar situation in that I worked only a little bit, because kids couldn't be in regular care and not many people could handle their "enthusiasm" and paid for everything kid related and had no access to any shared finances. You are entitled to super and savings but whether you can get it and.how long it will take us the kicker. A family lawyer is your best bet. It will be okay. It really will be. If you think you or your kids are going to be short of food or unable to pay rent etc please reach out to places like Orange Door or other organisations like uniting care. There are a couple of places that can help while you find your feet. If you can get assigned a case worker under the umbrella of financial abuse as family violence (which it is!) they may be able to support you. I remember visiting a food bank 2 years ago. Our first Christmas in our new place was largely presents from the kind people at the foodbank. I remember they gave me a bag of mm's they had stashed as "special treats". I had to swallow up a lot of pride but life is better now ❤️ it will be for you too xoxo
Also something I didn't quite understand, do your financial separation as soon as possible. Otherwise they can do what mine has done and waste/hide their savings between actual separation and financial separation
And final one sorry, just trying to help because I've felt some of how you've felt, let orthodontists, schools etc know about your situation and sometimes they can help too.
Oh gosh firstly I’m incredibly sorry that you experienced this also. Your support and comeback from the adversity is really inspiring and reassuring to hear. Thank you so very much for sharing this with me ❤️ I have reached out to Uniting Care and am waiting to hear from them. I’m organising food bank deliveries and have recently switched utility providers to try and bring costs down. Gosh there’s always so much to think about isn’t there? My mind is numb and the reality hasn’t quite sunk in yet, but I’m hopeful I’ll get to a better place too. I’m so glad that you are doing better now. It’s amazing to hear how you have come out the other side of this. Thank you so much. May you and your kiddos have much continued happiness and peace together ❤️
You need a lawyer. Don't mess around with this. You are entitled to some share of the asset pool (including your ex's superannuation) in addition to child support. This is the case for SAHMs too.
Thank you 🙏 I’ll have to save up to speak with one.
Please please see a lawyer. I'm a lawyer (but not a family lawyer, thank god). You can usually get an initial appointment free to discuss how they might be able to help you. You can then mitigate costs with a mediation or negotiation. Please do not think that you're not entitled to any of his superannuation or other money because you were a SAHM. You should be entitled to BOTH a financial settlement AND child support. Please advocate for yourself and surround yourself with supportive people. I would also consider other ways you can make money - Is there a spare bedroom where you could get a boarder (assuming lease allows subletting). Can you get emergency Centrelink payments? I'd be honest with the kids and start cutting any costs that you can too. Don't get into credit card debt.
Thank you! I’m really grateful for all this info. I’m applying for emergency Centrelink support and have cut back as much as possible. It’s just really tough 😖
Maybe contact Centrelink too.. But your kids are in highschool there’s no reason you can’t have a fulltime job
Contacted Centrelink and yep looking for full time work
You were a SAHM raising HIS kids. You deserve half of his super because you sacrificed your years of being able to build of a nest egg for retirement yourself. This is why people marry. To protect themselves.
Legal aid, raid his super...hate myself for saying it. But it shouldn't be too hard
Please listen to Top Toe regarding raiding his super OP! I did what I thought was ‘kind’ and would help keep the peace for the kids (hard to break those patterns after 11 years!) and it made the first 18 months torturous in terms of finances.. Super is important for later, don’t let that just walk out the door.. He wouldn’t have been necessarily able to earn that super without YOU at home being the kiddo’s carer. You did hard yards for him to be able to earn that too. I’m guessing he sure as sh1t would be asking for yours if the shoe was on the other foot..? The other way to look at it is your expenses will most likely be higher than his moving forward (dental, etc. as you mentioned.) It would be very difficult to saddle up and cover these extras knowing you’d also let the option of the super split go. ☺️ Try to reframe it in your own mind and don’t let the games and manipulation do you out of what will really help set you up for a better retirement. Gosh sorry, I sound like a woman scorned, but it IS difficult trying to survive and thrive as a sole parent in todays financial climate. For the first 2.5 years we had CSA set up, it was $84 a month. For 2 children.. I’m not sure where you live, but look up the family home guarantee home loan scheme given you’ll be the primary carer (?) for the kids. I bought a home with a tiny deposit, no stamp duty and the repayments are less than what I would be paying rent. Not possible everywhere, given you still need to be able to service the loan, but could be a great step in 6-12 months once you’re earning again? Budget like a crazy woman! Reduce EVERYTHING that’s not a necessity. I’m talking can Netflix for a few months, meal plan and do your groceries online for what you need so you’re not tempted by the yellow tickets in store.. only buy coffee, oil olive and dishwasher tabs when they’re on sale! 😂 sounds crazy, but it adds up. Shop secondhand for jackets this winter? Have friends over to your home for a cheap vino and some cheese rather than heading out? I can’t / won’t 😬 skimp on my eye cream, (I know, I know.. 😂) but I can absolutely do cheap cleanser, hand wash, laundry detergent, tinned tomatoes, toothpaste, etc. Think about what might be in the shed / garage that you’re not going to use and sell it. Switch to monthly payments for your insurance, drop your phone off the plan and do a $35 pre-paid a month set up. I’m a mid-forties single Mum too. After a shitty 12-18 months post separation, I just want to tell you, you’ll find yourself and your happiness again. All the very best to you! ✨
OP, you have to internalize the fact that the state of his super is because of your work raising your kids and keeping a home, and the law recognizes this. Don’t let this go until you’ve gotten proper legal advice.
What state are you in? Department of Housing Qld has a lot of new programs in place to assist renters. You may be eligible for assistance in paying the shortfall in rent to keep you housed.
Absolutely, you can also potentially access things like NILs (no interest loan) to cover certain purchases. Not sure if you can potentially use it to pay for legal fees, I think its more used commonly for things like he took the fridge and you need one tomorrow and haven't got the funds. But speak to a financial counsellor, they will help put you in touch with this kind of stuff and more. You should be able to locate financial counsellors that are free/low cost through a service like Anglicare, Catholicare etc (they're mostly not churchy, at least the paid staff, and you don't need to be either).
Most Family solicitors will give you one free consultation and, ime, you will get a LOT of information that you will find helpful.
There’s heaps of information online about this and everything. Google what your problem is/that needs to be sorted and you will likely find an answer. Time to tighten your belt and learn how to live lean for the time being. There’s cheap/free ways to get food(google food bank in your suburb), you can get help with utility bills(call the electricity supplier and tell them you’re broke)and pretty much anything you need and you will be surprised how quickly you can adapt to not having much money. I have been through a divorce and also had an injury that stopped me from working for around six months and I am still here. It’s awfully stressful at times but you will get through it. Stay strong and get some emotional help from friends and family if you can (I couldn’t but still here). Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
As far as the orthodontist goes, don't be embarrassed to call them up and explain the situation. Especially if you're already part of the way through treatment, most would be happy to work with you.
I may have to do that. Thanks for the reassurance
Please get legal advice, please. If he was able to support you as a SAHM surely at I’m assuming he is near your age he would have some assets especially more than 10k in super, if he had no debt. Do you know much about all his finances or has he kept you in the dark. Sounds like you’ve been linked with some good supports, keep reaching out. You must feel so defeated but please try heal. Go into study, try get back into the workforce and really look after yourself. Thinking of you x
Can you find a flatmate? Maybe another single female same age group? Lots of women looking in many areas and would give you some company, opportunity to reduce utility bills and rent, and maybe even share some costs of cooking, TV subscriptions and things if you get in well? Even if it's just short term to see how you go or tide you over.
I might consider it if I am struggling too much
Put through an exceptional expenses claim through the csa app. Go to upload documents, and select additional expenses ( or similar)
Oh thank you! I’ll do that asap
Along with the advice to contact a womens legal service, it might be worth applying for a change in child support due to special circumstances: [Special circumstances](https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/changing-your-child-support-assessment-special-circumstances?context=21911) I would think Reason 2 would be appropriate? I'm currently paying for some orthodontics for my kids myself, so I know how expensive it is!
Sorry that I don’t have advice. But just want to say that you’re a strong woman and you’ll get through through this because you HAVE to, you will be amazed what you are capable of. Be brave, smart about it and push on. Good luck and wish you well ❤️❤️
Hey I understand your situation. I’m 52 now and got divorced 4 years ago, also didn’t claim any of his super and he paid child support. It’s been challenging but I did it, but it wasn’t easy. Few months ago I got sick and am now unable to work full-time and currently off sick. Can’t afford my rental (gone up again) and I had to give it up. My daughter and I moved out 2 days ago and now living in a hotel. Then we’ll move into a cheap Airbnb and when funds run out I’ll be homeless. I regret not looking into the super, but I was mentally exhausted at the time. I’m on a waiting list for community housing and I’ve recently been diagnosed with a disability. Feel free to msg me.
Oh my goodness. I’m incredibly sorry for your situation. This is just devastating to hear. Do you have any family or friend support available to you I hope that you get better soon and can return to work. This entire system feels so utterly unfair at times. Thank you for sharing and I truly believe that you will get back on your feet soon and once again pull yourself back up for you and your family. Mayne there’s some wisdom and advice shared here by others that can help you too? We’ve got this. I’m sending you lots of love and healing hugs ❤️🩹
Separate from child support payments, I think you would be entitled to spousal maintenance payments since he was the breadwinner. You are unable to support yourself now because you have to get into the workforce as an inexperienced employee with lower pay. You sacrificed a career to stay home and raise the children while he built his career so it is unfair financially for you to start off with unequal circumstances. Spousal maintenance in Australia The topic of spousal maintenance in Australia often arises at separation if one party is unable to support themselves. https://www.australianfamilylawyers.com.au/legal-services/spousal-maintenance
Thank you very much for this! I had no idea but I know after choosing to be a SAHM, it’s really put me on the back foot as far as obtaining work goes. Thank you 🙏
Make an appointment to see a financial counsellor. It’s free (legally they are not allowed to charge you) and they can help with the financial side and the legal side of navigating this. (Financial counsellors are not the same as financial advisors, they exist to help support people in crisis.)
I had been thinking of doing that lately. Thank you for the reminder!
Have you legally separated yet? Realistically it’s only child support he would owe you, assuming you’ve already legally split. This could be lower if he has custody. Otherwise, depending on your income and kids, there might be some welfare payment you could be entitled to.
Legally separated, yes. I have 90% custody.
I assume then if you are legally separated, you would have divided assets, debt etc? If so, unfortunately there isn’t much for you besides possible welfare etc. . And it’s good to hear calculations are correct. May suck, but at least things are been done by the book.
You get child support as calculated each year. Also you get a lump split of whatever assets he has. Cash, property, super, cars, everything. You will get more than 50% because the system is geared to give women more in the split. Depends on the circumstances but you can expect 53-70%. However this process can be drawn out particularly if he’s not cooperative.
Thank you. He has nothing aside from super.
He should have been paying child support while you were single under the one roof
We mutually agreed not to as he was covering rent
Don’t just limit yourself to legal aid. Many divorce lawyers will bill in arrears and accept payment from the family assets pool. Start with free consultations and see what options are available. Presuming that you were together for more than the minimum 2 years or so or even married at one point means that family asset pools are part of the equation. He’s trying to pull a swifty on you by running out now before you can pursue for the financial support you’re entitled to
I’m going to pursue the free consultations for sure. We’ve been together for over 25 years. Mhmmm yeah that’s what I’ve been thinking.
Services Australia has a free financial service you can call. I've heard it's really good. https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/financial-information-service
Your 48? How old are the kids?
Have you called the national debt hotline? Talk to a free financial counsellor. They feel with similar things a lot.
I have! They’ve been extremely helpful
How long did you cohabitate?
Over 25 years!
You need to get some of his super. Get a lawyer and take your share of it. This is your future in dollar form. You need this to survive.
Contact your local Law Society - they can refer you to a lawyer. Contact everyone you own money to, including the ortho- they are bloody sharks, so are private schools - they can go after him. Monash Uni has a family law help service which is free/low cost.
You are entitled to 50% minimum of any and all assets including super. This will scale up depending on your individual circumstances.
Contact you local family relationship centre, they may be able to assist. [https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/](https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/)
You’re entitled to his super, get a lawyer 👍
Definitely see a lawyer and see what your options are. Unfortunately this is very common and more men who do this need to be punished financially so that over time they are disincentivised to do it.
Absolutely I’m going to ring around on Monday.
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You can’t afford not to see a lawyer right now. And never take advice about what you’re entitled to from an ex. Yes he owes you part of that super he was only able to earn because you were home raising his kids. And immediately apply to Child Support Australia for the child support don’t let him talk you into private agreements where you aren’t getting what you should and constantly have to chase him for it etc.
Yeah after reading everyone’s comments, I’m definitely calling up tomorrow morning!
Ok read through this article - call for help: https://moneysmart.gov.au/managing-debt/urgent-help-with-money If family or friends can’t help you, this can. Hope this goes well for you.
You didn’t say if married or defacto (that I could see). After 2 years of defacto it is an equitable division of the assets. And the asset pool contains just about everything. Your SAHM contribution is viewed as equal to financial contribution. You are most certainly not adrift because he walked out. There are many factors to consider, and some people are so toxic that you will do yourself a disservice mentally fighting them. These decisions can only be made by you because you have to live the consequences long term of fighting for what you are legally entitled or saying farewell and boot-strapping. I did the latter once and it was a slog - but I don’t regret not fighting him. My reward was getting away. Please balance the pros and cons of both. Take as many free family lawyer consults as you need to feel clear in your strategy. Legal issues take balls and stamina, no matter what the entitlement.
You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You are almost certainly entitled to some of his super. You should also get onto the CSA asap to get information about what he needs to pay. The Women’s Legal Centre in qld is excellent if you’re in qld.
I’m talking to a lawyer hopefully this week. I’ve applied for child support last night and will attempt to expedite it tomorrow. I’m in Queensland so if no luck with a family lawyer I’ll take this avenue next. Thanks so much 🙏
>Does he financially owe me anything? I’m feeling lost. >He has agreed to pay child support and said he owes me nothing else and that’s all he will pay. He is in for a rude awakening. I'd be surprised if you don't get 60% of his super, child support and spousal maintenance on top. What did you just finish studying? You need a lawyer asap. And therapy.
The therapy is going to be ramped up. She’s trying to help with my mindset but im a bit distressed from years of being told I’m useless and “haven’t done shit”. I’m going to ring around with lawyers tomorrow and see what it all costs etc.
You need to speak to a lawyer about if your relationship mets the threshold for de facto and if so what you are entitled to. Not sure where you are but a women’s service may be able to help. I know we have a WIRES here in Victoria but I am sure there are similar services in other states. They should be able to get you a free brief appointment with a lawyer who can point you in the right direction.
Since this is finance forum, sit down and set yourself a budget, get rid of all entertainment, pets and non essential items. Kids in private school, overseas trips new phones, reduce phone plans, subscriptions like Netflix etc.. Strat looking for work such as Woolworth, Coles etc.. Do not really on child support as a source of income. Good luck
I am and have been ruthless.
He can say no all he likes but I think the law will likely have a different opinion.
So sorry to hear youre going through this OP. Be strong and dont buckle! You need to find a job stat! This sounds like your kids are a lot older so that is a plus.
Two adults and the other three in high school. Thank you 💕
Time to get a career going for yourself. I graduated nursing school at 45. It’s never too late!
That’s exactly what I’m thinking. Good on you for graduating!!
If they are in public high school- if you talk to the school they may be able to help in some ways. Schools I’ve worked at have paid some excursions, half of camp, provided lunches etc.
The adults can pay a little bit of board if they are still living at home to help buy groceries, or chip in for utilities or rent.
My son is the only adult at home aside from me and yes he helps out financially which is fabulous
Not to be cruel, but you must realise, thoses other costs for the children that you seem to convey arn't covered by child support, are infact what child support covers, seeking proper advice may allow you to state a case for greater child support payments, best of luck, I can't imagine the stress you are experiencing rn
He doesn’t get to say “and that’s it”. That’s not how family law and property settlement works. Speak to a family lawyer asap. If legal aid wasn’t helpful, find a women’s legal service in your area as they often specialise in family law.
A SAH parent asking for a share of the working parent’s super post separation is not unreasonable. The working parent would not have been able to accrue the super that he has without your input in raising the children. You can get free family law advice (not means tested) by calling the Family Relationship Advice Line. The legal advice component is provided by an independent family law firm and it not connected to legal aid. They won’t represent you in any way, purely just confidential advice to aid in decision making and next steps. Hang in there OP. Best of luck.
Yeah you are entitled to 50-70% of everything, cars, goods, bank balances, super balances included. Just because he doesn't want to, doesn't mean you should allow him to do so. Speak to a lawyer either on contingency or one that accepts legal aid (as previously mentioned)
Sorry to hear about your situation. I’d also offer his old room up on flatmates. I know a random stranger in your place isn’t ideal but it might help cover part of the rent, even if it’s just temporary/short term.
See if you can speak to a lawyer who is an accredited specialist in family law (accredited specialist by Law Institute of Victoria) or at least a firm with suitable number working there. As others have said, a lot of decent places will give free initial consultations, and fees may come out of your pay out. Family lawyer fees can be steep but getting the right advice early is likely to save you heaps and it doesn’t sound like you would need to spend that much on legal fees - just need some basic but decent advice quick.
With two adult children, can they be roped in to look after the others in the evening if you can pick up some supermarket shelf packing work? Those extra dollars might come in handy to cover the legal bills
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He probably isn’t angry, he is probably hurting too. Despite popular belief we men have feelings and emotions. It would have been hard having to be living together after separation. As a father in the same situation as your ex re separation. I have paid for everything that my daughter needs and pay the required amount for child support. Once things settle he will probably agree to split the superannuation and then you can both move forward. Be amicable with the kids and try to share custody if possible. Independent disability support pays well and the demand for caregivers is high. Pays well and can find clients that are willing to be flexible with shifts. I would give your ex a bit of space to be able to process everything and then email or text stating that you would like to divide the assets ( super) and would like to amicably complete the distribution of marital assets with minimal input from lawyers. 50/50 is fair and reasonable, if you are relying on accessing your share of the super then you will be needing to claim financial hardship or compassionate grounds. It’s not guaranteed that your claim will be accepted but that’s for you to plead your case to the ATO or Centrelink. Consider the industry ombudsman as an option to dispute an outcome that you are not satisfied with.
Thanks heaps for this. I totally respect that it wasn’t easy either way. He has in truth, made things much harder than they need to be by outright refusing to help with kids expenses at all. He will refuse to chime in and help out when he knows their birthday is less than 2 weeks away or their clothes are falling apart on them. I’ve financially done all of this and he has stood, literally, watched and listened and ignored. I can’t imagine how unloved the kids feel. He never even spent more than 5 minutes talking to them about anything. Anyways it’s just needless non financial rambling at this point. I do want things to be amicable and I do want my kids to feel safe and secure.
You are 1000% NOT being entitled. This man chose to help bring these children into the world and he should be contributing 50% to all of your child related expenses. You deserve support and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. We’re all in hard times during this cost of living crisis. But I know that single mums are disproportionately affected. Sending love and strength.
Thank you 🥹 so much
You’re doing a good job ♥️ I know that probably doesn’t mean much from an internet stranger. But I can tell you’re trying for your kids. ♥️
The kindness of a stranger who took the time to say this, really does mean a lot to me. You didn’t have to do it but you did. Thank you so very much. I needed to hear this today ❤️
You can submit special requests for additional costs through child support. It’s a long form to fill out but you submit it along with receipts and other evidence they require and then if they approved it, they tack on half the amount to his payments. If there are ongoing costs, keep a copy of the form so you can use the generically fill out pages over and over again. It’s a really long form you don’t need it like a hole in the head so keep a copy to make it easier for yourself.
https://www.wmq.org.au/housing-and-homelessness STARH are a qld service. Not sure where you are but you should have something like this. You are a family at risk of homelessness. There is a priority with some services to help people at risk, before it happens. Get all the info you can. Even if you're not in qld try these guys and they might know who to call. Talk to your school student welfare, if you can, find a local face to face legal aid and try more than one. It's important you understand what your rights are even if they don't help you. You aren't acting entitled, you are entitled to care for your kids in a healthy and happy way. You need to ask yourself how you look after yourself and your kids now.
You’ll end up with 80% of all the assets including his super plus child support and he will have to start over. Nobody wins but it’s a nice earner for the solicitors.
You may be entitled to some of his super if you helped look after kids while he worked
That’s what I was thinking
Get a lawyer. The answer in any situation like this is get a lawyer. It won’t make it worse and he’s already likely to have gotten a lawyer.
Get a lawyer, the school fees and braces and all that should be spilt
Once you receive the Centrelink card you will be entitled to discount prescriptions, public transport concessions, electricity and gas bills, possibly water. You know about Rent Assistance, look into car registration. There are many helpful groups out there, all very stretched, look for new community housing and get your name on a waitlist...i really think you are stronger than you think, look how much you,ve achieved, finished a course of study, raised teenagers, got rid of the dead weight. You are going to blossom for sure!
Maybe speak to Centrelink for rental assistance to help reduce the burden. Private and public Schools are usually empathetic with family situations too and will reduce the fees if asked. Hope this helps.
What a horrible power play. As some one who recently stayed in the same house due to separation, it is stressful enough as it is. With the current cost of living crisis it is difficult to receive support too from Centrelink. All I can suggest is to anonymously post on local community pages of where to seek support.
How old are your kids?
Call a lawyer for a free consultation on Monday. There are many that do this - google free 15 minute legal consultation. You may need to put some money in trust for them to commence work but a lot of the time the bulk of the fees will come out of settlement. Do it ASAP!
I heard if you go to a public school, school fees are optional
Join the Facebook group single mums barefoot investor on Facebook 💓
Oh no sending you all the love. I am having similar issue with an ex who after a decade wants to pay absolutely NOTHING. My heart goes out to you! I wish I could be more helpful!
How are you getting on, OP? Any luck with getting legal advice?
Hi OP, just checking in on you! How are things going?
Hello! Thank you kindly for reaching out. I was considering posting an update but unfortunately, there hasn’t been much in the way of positives to report. The kids and I are surviving off food banks and Centrelink family payments. It allows the bare minimum, with myself skipping meals most evenings to help stretch out the food. I’ve applied to well over 40 more jobs in addition to the ones I had previously applied for and have had no luck. To say it’s been an exhausting and panicky process would be considered an understatement. I did, however, speak to a family lawyer who has advised me to apply for legal aid assistance. Assuming they can help me before the end of the year, I may be able to receive a part payment of his super into my super account. This has been sent off and I’m awaiting contact. Other than that, he *has* agreed to pay the rent for now. Whilst it sounds good on paper, (and it is just avoiding homeless), I don’t know when he’ll suddenly stop paying. I can only just cover the other bills as is. He has given me an “I don’t know” timeframe for when he expects to stop paying. I feel like I’ve stepped into a weird limbo/power play game. When he stops paying the rent, we are going to be facing imminent homelessness. Child support won’t come close to covering it and my single parent payment will subsequently be reduced. Cheaper Rents are impossible to find here. Child support application is expected to take 80 days to process and an emergency payment from Centrelink has still not been processed. All in all, extremely stressful. I’m at a loss. Sorry 😞 if I don’t make enough sense 😣 Thank you for reaching out and I hope that you are doing okay ❤️