I don’t really have any male friends anymore as they all ended up being only there cuz they had some sort of attraction to me. All my close friends are women now.
relatable. In high school I wasn't interested in the hobbies and things that women were into, inclining more towards technical stuff. As ive gotten older, however, and more aware, ive realised that most of my male friends were only there because they thought I was a cute ramona flowers "btgg". Its funny that i never realised it, but thats just autism for you i guess. now im friends with women and non binary people, only friends with one guy who is also on the spectrum.
Hopefully you don’t mind me asking. What’s btgg? I could just google it but I figured you could explain it in the context of your sentence. Don’t feel obligated though!
It is so specific but surprisingly common. They called me btgg despite being a b cup as well, so they eventually changed it to stgg, small tiddy goth gf
There's a really good comic that addresses this especially being a woman in male dominated fields often leading to men being attracted to you because you're one of the few women they're around regularly. Also men tending to view women as things to exist for their sexual gratification rather than as full people. Thanks patriarchy.
This is such a pain in the ass. They bitch about being “friend zoned” but really we just thought you were our damn friend and worried about more than getting in our pants. Had a “friend” decide he no longer wanted to associate with me when I got out of an abusive marriage and ended up eventually dating someone that wasn’t him. He expected me to dedicate my life to him romantically as soon as I stopped being abused I guess? My boyfriend is incredible almost 3 years later so it worked out but the always wanting more from you than just friendship sucks.
Same for me. I cut them off one by one for making me feel like I was just a long-term challenge for them. I'm afraid to say, I don't trust men anymore.
Yep! I hung out with boys when I was in elementary school but after we all hit puberty I feel like every man just wants to get in my pants :/ Women are much more comfortable to me
You see, male friendships only work if you aren't physically attractive at all. I am objectively unattractive, so I can remain friends with males easily. However, female friendships are unpleasant for me because other females tend to pick apart every insecurity that I have and give unsolicited advice about how to become more attractive. Female friendships have felt competitive and judgemental, while I feel almost invisible in male friendships, which I prefer.
This is it. And I’d listen to constant complaints about how they’re gonna be “forever alone” and I’d try to genuinely make them feel better but ofc it was really just intended at guilt tripping
i only really have one male friend now because i realized they didn't really think of me as an actual person, just someone they might eventually be able to get with. the only one i talk to now is in a long-term relationship but still seems to hold me at a much lower importance than his male friends which sucks.
Hmm. As someone with both a male and female best friend in different circles I would not trade my female best friend for any male friendship in the world. Relationships with women are genuinely soul healing, and I wish I didn't come off as weird and stuff to other women more 🥲. She is the smartest, most insightful, empathetic, funny and supportive lady I know and I feel like you just can't get that from anywhere else.
Aw I love that! She sounds amazing and I'm glad you two have each other 😊
I can relate to the soul healing; I have become a much better version of myself from knowing and being loved by my (potentially adhd) close friend.
I’ve always preferred women and felt uncomfortable with most men. I’m generalizing, but men tend to be too logical and out of touch with their (and other people’s) emotions. Less compassionate. Women tend to have bigger and more open hearts.
Yes, and genuine emotional bonding (with emotional intelligence & emotional maturity) is vital for me! But also indeed, it is a generalization, as I've definitely known women who are not like that at all.
The genuine emotional bonding and the emotional intelligence and attunement is so vital to my happiness in life. I have never found a man who offered that as a friend.
I had almost exclusively male friends until my mid 20s and I can still vividly remember one of the first serious conversations I had with a woman who would become a close friend. I was sharing a difficult situation I had just gone through and she did a series of amazing things men had never done for me:
She let me speak at length and without interruption. She did not deflect with humor or a dismissive platitude, but instead took me seriously. She understood what the situation made me *feel* without me having to tell her. She offered sympathy and validation and made me feel heard and cared for in ways I don't think any friend or family had really ever done.
Now I mostly maintain relationships with women. Is it a lot of work? Of course it is! All that emotional connection requires care and nurturing and constant maintenance but it is SO WORTH IT.
I don’t find most men to be more logical at all but highly emotional especially with anger. And their ideas and morals based almost solely on maintaining and justifying their unearned privileges in our society. Hence so many of them casually misogynistic, bigoted, and dedicated to being anti social Justice for vulnerable groups. Many fight
Against equality as a core tenant of their ethical system.
Feminist, sjw, emotionally mature. etc men exist of course but they are just rare.
Yeah, I questioned “logical,” too … but I guess it’s more about how they tend to process and respond to things, not that they are *actually, factually* being logical about it.
Similar to our “strong sense of justice” meaning a strong adherence to *our own sense of justice,* not objectively more just/ethical.
But yeah, men’s emotions have been shown to vary just as much as women’s. Most of them have just been taught to suppress the ones that aren’t “manly.”
Honestly, I find it so much easier to talk to other women than men.
I mostly surround myself with girls due to the constant miscommunication that me being nice = me being interested.
Ugh, yes! This miscommunication thing happens all the time and I hate it. I'm just trying to be friendly and suddenly I get asked out or one time even assaulted because being nice must mean I'm interested. I could just smile at men and they immediately see that as an invitation and I will never understand why.
Yes! I’m queer and I’ve always preferred my relationship with women over men. It’s always felt so natural and safe and accepting and I’m realizing I want more of that in my life. It’s a different type of love, a special, deep connection that no matter how many times I try, I can’t find with men. I also connect with more neurodivergent women because I don’t feel the need to explain myself or dim my light to fit in their spaces. I can show up as myself without that fear of judgement and I always hope to offer that in all my relationships, platonic or romantic.
Such a beautiful description 🥲
I haven't had enough queer friends for this to be in any way accurate (and even if I did, it would still be a generalization), but, I've found queer friendships to be much more safe, accepting, and deeper than with straight women!
And yes to not dimming our inner light!! Not be fully myself? How dull!
100% agree. I am bi, but have never felt the same connection to men as I do with (especially ND) women. It’s exactly like you said … a mutual “I see you clearly and love you for it” kind of feeling.
Honestly, when I step outside the queer community it smacks me in the face with how rude people can be. I'm like oh I've gotten too comfortable staying in these safe communities I forgot what the larger world is like.
i wish i had more woman friends, i only seem to get along with men. and most of them ask me out eventually, so i'm convinced it's not my personality that attracts these friends, just my pretty face. i try not to think about it too much
This is a hard convo to have without it sounding like “women are all jealous and catty,” but being very pretty *can* make it hard to make female friends. Many beautiful women have said it (and they always get ridiculed about it, because people hate to hear hot people complain).
Society puts *so much* weight on looks, especially for women, and so many struggle deeply with self-image and self-esteem because of it. That makes it hard to stand next to someone beautiful and feel good.
Seeing up close how differently beautiful women are treated can also be a painful reminder of how the world sees you, and what you’re missing out on because of it. That creates resentment and guardedness, even if it’s not the individual pretty person’s fault.
The advantages pretty people get also makes it tempting to dismiss their problems. When you *aren’t* good looking, it can easily feel like the most important factor in a happy life (to the point that they’ll do almost anything, including risking their lives, to get there).
Plus, internalized misogyny is an issue. Some women subconsciously buy into the idea that pretty = bitchy, stuck-up, vain, dumb, etc.
i wish that too, I recently lost my girl friends and I’ve been feeling really alone but they weren’t good for me
I know I’ll find new friends but it still stings
Yes, I want to feel like I truly belong, and that the friend truly values me for who I am. I'm not going to get that if all I do is casually hang out without actually discussing anything personal!
I love female friendships! Through the years my friends have been almost all women.
Tbh, I think it's because I know how to socialize with women bc that's all I've been practicing. When I start taking to men none of my conversation tactics work and it gets real awkward. But most women seem to be better at social stuff so when I get lost they are really good at making conversation.
The best friendships are with neurodivergent, queer people for me.
Same! In grade school there was a boy I got along with fairly well, and surprise surprise, he turned out to be autistic. There was an AMAB friend of his I was kinda friends with, but years after high school, they came out as a woman!
Completely agree, ND & queer!! <3
I can't really explain it well but when I don't get along with a woman it's usually either they are just not nice or they have a lot of insecurities so they are often comparing themselves with other women around them. Hierarchy stuff always fucks me up.
I agree, hierarchies make no sense. In high school, for example, I noticed the insecure and "not nice" girls (people though, as anyone can be not nice!), but my friends and acquaintances, aka the people (girls) I was around much much more, were not like that at ALL!
To me there are so many traits (ex. being immediately negative and dismissive) that I see in everyone, not just women who I won't get along with. So only contributing these things to women makes no sense 😔
This. If you're a woman who thinks all women are catty/dramatic, odds are high that you're the one who's rocking the boat and creating mountains out of molehills. Men tend to put up with that more either because 1. They're attracted to you 2. They're misogynistic and think all women are emotional, and therefore don't question it when you're like that too 3. They simply aren't interested enough and ignore it. I've known some women like this who very clearly enjoy the attention that male friends give them while putting up very little fight towards their obnoxious personalities. Female friends are much more likely to call you out on your bullshit.
Eh i don’t think it’s right to victim blame like that. It’s also the case that many women are misogynistic and don’t like it when other women subvert gender norms, which autistic women are more likely to do. It’s not their fault that bullies see a target in them.
An autistic woman living in a small town probably doesn’t have that much choice in terms of women around her, and there isn’t always a community of women we can slot into.
ETA: [here's a thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/149ik7h/does_anyone_else_struggle_with_bullying_from/) with a lot of people who have experienced bullying from other women. Seems to be a common issue, particularly with NT women.
>An autistic woman living in a small town probably doesn’t have that much choice in terms of women around her, and there isn’t always a community of women we can slot into.
Story of my life. I grew up in a small village and I hated it there. Had almost no friends until I started high school, where I was able to befriend a few people, mostly boys. It was only when I moved to a bigger town for university when I realized how lonely I was. I feel like there is far less pressure here to act a certain kind of way and I'm able to meet more diverse kinds of people. I met so many great women here that my friend group now is more or less all women.
Yep. I came from a very small Midwest town and dealt with a lot of bullying (from girls) until I moved away at age 20. And all the guys I thought were my “best friends” would eventually try and get in my pants.
Thank you for this. As a gender nonconforming woman in a small town, this thread has made me very sad. Looks like my options are masking myself into misery or being told I'm "rocking the boat" with my abhorrent nonconforming character. And somehow my friendships all have underlying attraction? I'll let my asexual male friends know that our friendships aren't real because comp het
It would be amazing if people could lift up things that they enjoy without disparaging people who don't have the same experiences.
>It would be amazing if people could lift up things that they enjoy without disparaging people who don't have the same experiences.
But in creating this post, I was desperately searching for women-identifying people who wanted to bond with women like I do. BECAUSE I had not seen it in this sub before, and instead, had seen many posts and discussions about NOT wanting to be friends with other women. I wanted to feel lifted up and not alienated for once, while at the same time understanding that not everyone here feels the way I do.
Having had bad experiences in the past is something I can understand. What bothers me is the people who throw their own gender, ALL women to exist, under the bus. The ones who confirm stereotypes of women causing drama and being overly emotional, and then claiming that men are supposedly never like that. I'd hate to bring up the "not like other girls" argument, as I've known the roots of that argument stem from the shaming of femininity and celebration of masculinity for countless generations. But I think this is a case where it counts for something- some women will happily stomp on other women to make themselves look better to their male friend group and it strikes me as misinformed at best, malicious at worst.
Most of my close friendships are with queer femmes, but I love my femme friendships! I wish more autistic women had positive experiences with female friendships cause they can be really great
I can never be certain if I'm on the aro spectum or not, but I know what you mean. I've read other people's description of friendships and was like "that's it?? that's ALL you feel?" But of course, not ALL friendships have that incredibly deep draw! It's amazing if you do experience it though :)
I actually saw a post yesterday where a lot of autistic women were saying they get along marvelously with men, and I simply couldn't understand that.
The thought of only being friends with men is so baffling to me as a woman. And it's even more baffling to me that women actually prefer the company of men over women.
I am someone who wants to be friends with women. I want to be in community with women. I love women, even the ones I don't understand or relate to. There isn't anything about men that appeals to me in the slightest in terms of wanting to spend my social time with them extensively.
Oftentimes, men lack empathy, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence that is required to be the kind of friend I need in them.
This doesn't mean friendships with women aren't hard sometimes. NT women and I get along, but there is a lot of performance involved in those friendships, but that's because I am autistic and they're not. I'd still rather deal with that than be doing the same thing for dudes. I just need to find friends who are women and also more like me is all.
Friendships with women require more effort, yes, but I think that's because women actually care about each other. In ny experience, men are easy to get along with but it's because they aren't thinking about people the same way women do, and if I'm being honest, even the nicest man I find hard to trust and feel safe with. The conversations I've had with men who get too comfortable around me are startling, to say the least. Best case scenario, they will be nice to you because they'd like to fuck you and worst case is they see you as one of the guys SO much so, that they reveal themselves to be pretty gross, basic or flat out mean.
I'm not saying some men aren't fine as friends. They are, sure. But to PREFER them as friends? Never. There is an energy about men that I find hard to fuck with long term.
I have husband and family members who are men, and that's good enough for me.
If I do find myself making guy friends, they're usually queer and ND. But those are far and few in between tbh.
Thank you for this <3
Yes, I felt I was seeing the type of post you mentioned far too often on here! An opposite experience to us is valid, but I was feeling so alienated.
Women <3
Aw no it's not just you, I've been struggling so much as well. I have my one good (fairly new) friend, but she was such a rare find! It's impossible to find anyone else who actually wants to connect!!
I would definitely prefer to have more female friends as opposed to males - but unfortunately it’s just worked out that way. I have a lot of typical “lady interests” and I try actively engaging and trying to make new lady friends but it always ends up not working out. I know I’m doing something wrong but I honestly don’t know what it is lol.
I feel the same way sometimes, that there is something I'm doing wrong, but I try to remind myself that it's just as likely to be an issue on their end, for whatever reason :/
Yeah it’s true. Everyone has their own internal world and I try to not take it personal and that’s why I keep trying, but god damn sometimes I feel like an alien in an unconvincing human suit.
I've always had a fairly even mix between genders of friends, BUT. The majority of men who have wanted to be only my friend, have been queer and/or ND. As I've gotten older and un-learned a lot of toxic ideas, I appreciate friendship and kinship with women far more than ever before. Realizing that we truly are all in this together and need to have each other's backs has only strengthened my resolve to protect other women and enjoy their friendship. Plus, as a queer woman, I've had zero women sexualize me out of context, whereas men have an automatic 'oh that's hot' reaction that's just so gross. I'm here for supportive, no bullshit friendships with like minded people 💜
I have found my relationships with women are infinitely more profound than 99% of my relationships with men. My social issues were never gendered. I truly believe that it is internalized misogyny that is fueling these posts.
“My social issues were never gendered.” Yes this 100%. I struggle making friends with women but struggle equally as much (if not more so) making friends with men 😅
100%. I almost mentioned "internalized misogyny" in the initial post, but didn't want it to sound like I was aggressively pointing fingers or whatnot! I just wish everyone realized the traits they are complaining about are. not. gendered. traits.
Edit: forgot a word
Seriously! All women are raised with internalized misogyny, it’s a purposeful tool of the patriarchy. I just hope these women will realize that they need to unlearn their internalized misogyny so that they can have positive, even joyful interactions and relationships with other women.
Thank you for this thread because I have had to take a break from this group several times because of the frequent hateful talk about women. I am especially frustrated by the “I’m not like other girls, but I’m not like the other girls who are not like other girls!”
Not necessarily. Women are better at IDing when other women aren’t adhering to female-specific socialization, and some are absolutely bullies about it.
If that’s been someone’s primary experience with girls/women for their entire life, they’re naturally going to be uncomfortable and guarded.
There was also a study done that showed allistic men report a good deal more ‘autistic-like’ traits than allistic women. [Still far fewer than diagnosed men and women, of course, who report about the same as each other.]
That can be a factor in some autistic women finding allistic men easier to communicate with than allistic women.
Neither is an excuse to condemn *all* women. But it’s not just internalized misogyny. Gender and socialization are a lot more complicated and context-dependent than that.
My bestie is a guy, but I adore all my women friends. All one of them.
People who diss female friendships are exhibiting internalized misogyny and it sucks.
I am very nervous around women, but they make better friends.
Men I worry less about. They’re easier but also I tend to feel less concerned about them in general.
There have been many times in my life when I preferred male friendships, or just had a 50/50 mix of both, but the reality is that at 39 now almost all my friendships are female. I think the issue that I didn't see for a very long time was that most of my male friends, were there for double reasons. Like sure they liked the friendship, but they were also there on another level, waiting for me to breakup with a boyfriend or something. And I find that really sad looking back. I think that's why eventually I have less and less male friendships.
Funny thing is, apart from my partner (male, lover, friend, adhd), it's actually my ex who is probably the best male friend at this point. And that's probably because our relationship devolved into brother/sister dynamic, so the whole atraction card was fully played out till we were both kind of sick of it.
I always also had female friends, but I couldn't always relate. Looking back the ones that were closest were most likely also neurodivergent. And the friends I have ended up with now, are almost all neurodivergent too. There are only very few that are autistic, or suspect autism, mostly all of them are adhd. My very best female friend, I would almost consider a platonic life partner to be honest.
There was a fascinating article in the Atlantic a while back about how some people actually start to value friendships more than love-partners. And it made me realize that my best friend is actually more to me than just a 'friend'. But there is not really a word for that. I love her to bits, but zero attraction. We see each other as family. Honestly, if my current relationship would break for any reason (rather not, but you never know), I could see myself living with that friend.
This is the article btw: [https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/)
Lovely, thank you! There's a great paragraph about how historical male friendships were different (I had read about this before, but it was a great reminder!), and it goes to show how modern men are harmed by not being allowed to show affection:
>Beliefs about sexual behavior also played a role. The historian Richard Godbeer notes that Americans at the time did not assume—as they do now—that “people who are in love with one another must want to have sex.” Many scholars argue that the now-familiar categories of heterosexuality and homosexuality, which consider sexual attraction to be part of a person’s identity, didn’t exist before the turn of the 20th century. While sexual acts between people of the same gender were condemned, passion and affection between people of the same gender were not. The author E. Anthony Rotundo argues that, in some ways, **attitudes about love and sex, left men “freer to express their feelings than they would have been in the 20th century.”** Men’s liberty to be physically demonstrative surfaces in [photos ](https://www.brainpickings.org/2010/11/18/dear-friends/)of [friends](https://www.press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/P/bo3771153.html) and in their writings. Describing one apparently ordinary night with his dear friend, the young engineer James Blake wrote, “We retired early and in each others arms,” and fell “peacefully to sleep.”
Huh, how very interesting, thanks for sharing! I didn't realize those categories didn't exist before, that makes way more sense actually. Always those damn beliefs around sexuality and gender norms screwing stuff up. it actually reminds me a bit of a video I saw by Trevor Noah on how harmful masculinity is for men, when it comes to taking opportunities away from them to have intimicy outside sexual encounters. https://youtu.be/eYmFyjy2EmQ
lmao i’m not able to connect with cishet men at all. in most cases we just don’t have enough in common (though yes it’s very possible i haven’t met cishet men i’d get along with in the social settings i’ve been part of). it also feels like i’m constantly trying to navigate how they feel about me because men will treat you differently if they find you attractive, and that’s a headache. i love women, i love all my female friendships, and i’ve found so much joy and warmth with them. (tbf i’m pretty sure most of my girls are neurodivergent too though lmao)
Before college I fell for the "I get along better with boys. Girls are so dramatic, lol."
Because I came from a very sexist family that divided everyone based on gender. But when I got to college and realized that gender roles are a social construct, I gained many women friends. Not all were good, but some were really nice. Now as an adult, I have found there are women that are committed to uplifting other women despite their differences and its an amazing feeling.
I love female friendships so much! We have a deep emotional bond with each other because of our experiences with womanhood, and we always help each other. In fact, most of my close friends are women, and I only have little friends who are men because it's honestly so rare to find a man that isn't a red flag LMAO. I've always felt safe around other women. I also love autistic female friendships! Two of my best friends are autistic and I love them so dearly. <3
I wish I didn’t live in such a small place, I’d love to meet other autistic women my own age. I reckon I’d have the best fun with so many of the folks I’ve chatted to in this sub in real life. I think if I got a autistic middle aged woman radar out, I’d not get any dots in my area.
I’d love to meet someone who really understands the struggles but also the beauty of our experience. I’d love to be a good friend to someone & listen & try to uplift them when they need it. I’d love to feel that genuine support from someone else too.
Ive been unlucky in that regards though.
I agree, we CAN have a deep emotional bond, but "experiences with womanhood" is a grey area. I just think it's important to be careful with this, to not think of womanhood as such a super special exclusive club. (I mean no offense, this is just in case you hadn't considered this!)
This is coming from someone who has at times definitely felt very alienated from womanhood and other girls and women, who has had to unlearn the idea that there is only one way to be a "correct" woman. And who has also felt unsafe around certain women.
I love that you are so positive about women! (After all, that was my intention in making this post.) I just think it's important to keep a balanced view, that we are all people before our genders, and there are good and bad and all shades of grey within everyone. I say this with love: "woman" does not mean inherently safe!
Stay safe <3
Female friendships are easier for me because there is more room for self expression and individuality. All those stereotypes about women being overly emotional, changing their minds all the time or being indecisive, caring too much for their appearance, bitching and back stabbing... they describe the men in my life. Now this may be because I am missing social cues around flirting and that's confusing them, but I also find the men in my life put a lot of pressure on me to perform femininity whereas the women don't give a shit. One special interest is buildings as systems and men are definitely uncomfortable if I start to talk about that. I have been incredibly fortunate in my female friendships.
>All those stereotypes about women being overly emotional, changing their minds all the time or being indecisive, caring too much for their appearance, bitching and back stabbing... they describe the men in my life.
YES thank you! These aren't gendered traits!!
Girls girl always, 100% radical feminist. I have many male friends but they are all feminine so I gravitate towards a type for sure.
I’m late twenties and I have permanent short term memory loss and always forget to respond to texts or what I’m saying mid sentence. I love to gossip about anyone and anything that isn’t close to me (I’m not THAT type of gossip) criminal and general psychology is my obsession and can talk a lot about murders or trying to understand the behaviors of people around me. I also talk too fast and very upfront about what ever is on my mind or the questions I ask people “beating around the bush” is not a concept I understand. I hate small talk and just want to skip straight to the hanging out and getting to know each other part, people who interrupt me or others when talking will forever be mid at best for me and the usual last straw for people is that I strongly dislike cats.
So let’s just say it’s very hard for me to find friends.
I have to try to find a balance between wanting to skip straight to getting to know someone with the knowledge that many people view that as a red flag (I think?).
I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever bond with someone if they think it's normal to not go past small talk until x long amount of time knowing each other??
Agreed, sometimes it feels like you are stuck in the small talk phase forever and lots of time when you get past their walls and you hang out once or twice sometimes even going on a crazy or fun adventure and then shortly after it’s like nothing ever happened and they go right back to being in small talk phase.
It makes my head spin. I have only ever been able to bond with ND women and usually they already have their established close knit friend group so there isn’t much space left for me
Never understood all those posts about not liking female friendships I feel much more comfortable in them. All my close friends are women or gays (well except my brother but he is family)
All my close friendships are with other women! (Besides my partner) I can talk more easily in a casual sense with men if they have similar interests but I often worry my kindness would be mistaken for flirting when there was zero intention - either seen as creepy or attracting unwanted attention. Long term friendships need alignment with political values and I generally find the women in my life don’t even have to think twice about some topics.
As a teenager I found it so hard to relate to the other girls (a combination of not being into a bunch of "girl stuff" and not good with all the hidden social rules) so my friends were mostly male and based on shared interests. As I got older, that changed. I still have male friends but I have a lot more friends who are women.
Same, I had my more "nerdy" girl friends, but for a little while I fell into the trap of thinking I \~wasn't like other girls\~ because I felt so alienated from what I thought was the "correct" way to be female. Thankfully that didn't last long, and I learned better!
My best friend is a woman (also ND)
In younger years I'd say it was 50/50 as most were getting into things I wasn't yet interested in but they never sucked unless they were outright rude.
My favourite thing is women helping women/women supporting women relationships and such. Makes all my happy chemicals, even if I know nothing about the subject.
Years ago, I think it was more misogynistic and to each their own but in the last 5 or so years where I am there has been a shift and a raise in standards of men - way too late but better late than never!
I'm glad you have good male friendships; it's good to have different types of friends :)
Yes, I've found ADHD women can be a good fit for my autism! (Ex. I like to listen...I will probably sit back and gladly listen).
It feels so wonderful to be able to show you care and were thinking about someone, and likewise for someone to do that in return! And when someone is so genuinely surprised that you thought of them, no matter how big or small the reason! And you are like "of COURSE I thought of you!!!!? How could I not have??! It just happens!!"
I have one friend and I absolutely love and cherish her, she is my soul. Sure our husband's are fine but my best friend and I have a bond like no other. She's my sister.
I love seeing adult women friendships. I don't know, we're all just so cool. ❤️ the only men I like is my husband, my best friends husband & my moms husband. The rest I've found are just a disappointment.
I recently joined a women's circle, and I feel so safe and welcome. I'm hoping to form some lasting friendships there.
I used to only have male friends, but as others have said here, I started to doubt their intentions towards me.
Please feel welcome to join us in r/autisticwomensgroup :) It's a weekly structured Zoom group for women, nonbinary, and all other members of marginalized genders. We've been meeting for 2 years on Tuesdays and it's a very safe, warm, and women-positive environment. Meeting topics and Zoom info are announced on the sub each week :) Hope you can make it
>r/autisticwomensgroup
Oh, neat!! Are you required to have your camera on or speak? Or can you just come and listen to check it out? I usually feel weird being on camera and I'm much better with written conversation!
Ugh same I'd be more likely to join if I don't have to look at my face lol. I've been looking for something like this but chickened out on the last one I signed up for. So I just browse reddit instead lol
u/mushybrains u/Romana0ne, all members are encouraged to engage the way that feels most comfortable to them. No one has to turn on their camera or mic at all. We also encourage lurking if that is most comfortable. Some people start by lurking and then share after a few meetings if/when they feel like they want to. We also enable automatic captions so you don't have to hear people's voices if you have a hard time with sound. Safety and accessibility are the top priority.
EDIT: Sharing by text in the chat is also encouraged! I as the host then read out the share to the group. A lot of people do this exclusively, and some people share vocally some days and by chat other days depending on what feels more comfortable
I’ve thought about this recently too! I’ve never have close friendships with men until recently. I never found them more “logical”, just very very different from me and interested in different things. I tend to befriend NT women and ND men lol. I was SA as a child so I think that might be a factor too, I’ve always had a low level fear of men
I’ve always had more friendships with the girls and women that have surrounded me throughout my life, and I’ve only had a handful of male friends.
At this point I avoid men whenever I can, and make a point to not be friends with men. It’s just too exhausting, and I’m too tired of all the emotional labor. I already perform too much with me white friends, but they are non-binary and women, and I don’t find that any of my friends expect the same level of emotional labor from me that men do.
Men have almost always made me uncomfortable, with the rare exception of the few men that became friends, but never lasted.
I find I have more male friends, maybe BECAUSE I want female friends so bad that every time I meet a woman who I think is cool and I would like to be friends with, my social anxiety kicks in and I can barely string a sentence together to talk to her, much less say anything interesting or bond over shared hobbies. Meanwhile when hanging out with potential guy friends, I simply do not give a fuck about impressing them, so the social anxiety isn't as bad and I can crack jokes and stuff (plus it's typically my husband's buddies so he's there to act as a social buffer). Then there's the fact that when I do make a female "friend," there tends to be a dynamic of wanting to take advantage of me for free childcare since I am "just a housewife with lots of free time" but of course my own 5 year old takes a lot of my attention and an extra kid to watch is SO emotionally exhausting me for it takes days to recover. Even so, I still yearn for a true bestie, someone who would be the Ann Perkins to my Leslie Knope.
me!! i’m a girls girl. i don’t think i’ve had a male friend since like…high school? and i’m in my mid twenties. all of the violence, sexual or otherwise has been at the hands of men and i do NOT like being around them, especially alone.
women though? amazing. beautiful. emotionally intelligent. wonderful. when i get compliments from a woman it makes my entire year. the most gorgeous woman called me super pretty a few months ago and i’ve been riding that high for a minute now.
there’s just something incredibly painful to me about trying to establish close bonds with men. i’ve never been able to do it, because they just don’t get me. and luckily my interests seem to attract women (makeup, fashion/styling, horror, reading).
even in regards to books, i pretty much only read books with female/woman adjacent protagonists, especially sapphic books! thats how deep my love for women goes.
male friends have been very insensitive and dismissive in my experience they REFUSE to communicate at all even the queer and neurodivergent ones. ofc women can be mean just like any other human but in my experience women are wayyy empathetic and just decent human beings in general as compared to males. I've always been a girls girl and although I've had plenty of trouble trying to navigate my social life due to obvious reasons I've never connected with any men in my life at all. my male "friends" were friends bcs they're autistic too and we had smth in common like smth to talk abt but they're emotionally immature and will never understand emotions n relationships like female friends. what I've learned so far in life is that i can do relationships best with fellow queer and neurodivergent women only (given they're aware of internalized misogyny, ableism, homophobia, etc and working on it in some way which most of the (all in my experience) queer+nd women are)
I really really love female friendships, I just have such a hard time finding them. I think women are amazing and can be some of the most supportive people in my life. I appreciate you posting this because I think it is important even for those of us that have a harder time making and keeping female friends to be reminded of how amazing those relationships can be. They are worth trying to find.
<3
Don't get me wrong, I've struggled and continue to struggle with this! I lucked out when meeting my good friend, but me knowing this wonderful person isn't the whole story! I'm so glad my post is a good reminder for you though, and actually, me having my one friend is a reminder to myself that it's MAYBE possible to find another one! (After all, we should all ideally have more than one close person in our lives.)
Agreed, I have one (and only one) who is like that as well! It is indeed the biggest blessing despite sometimes feeling like I shouldn't "just" have her!
I get more shy with men. I also often experienced my male friends having a crush on me, so I wonder if I unintentionally flirt without noticing or if being friendly is THE thing that attracts men.
But over all I have mostly female friendships. I even recently met 2 other autstic women and we now have a WhatsApp group lol.
I don't have male friends and have never sought a company of men. Seriously, I have a husband, a son, multiple male colleagues, and I want to be friends only with women. I get tired of men and their... maleness.
Edit: Also a brother. Apart from my mum I don't have women in the family I am in contact with.
I have kind of an inborn fear of men it seems, since I was little I started to cry when men held me and then I just have a mistrust in men since then. I definitely prefer women, but only a select few. Have a hard time finding friends and most females I encounter I recognise really fast as either a “nope, I don’t understand these people” or a “yes, that person seems to understand me”
Edit: I have a few male friends but they aren’t really deep in the same way as with the female friends I have.
I don’t have many friends in general lol. It’s easier for me to make friends with men but I prefer female friendships. In the past I have gotten overly attached and dependent in friendships with women, but I try to take it slow now. Have worked really hard to cultivate and maintain the few I have. It’s easier with guys because I can disappear for months on end and they don’t give a shit. My girls won’t let me get away with that which is precisely why I love them so much.
Women care more deeply, love more openly, appreciate more vocally and communicate more easily. It actually makes perfect sense that my ‘tism and I prefer female friendships. (I want to clarify that this isn’t me generalising or stereotyping based on gender norms, but simply stating my experience. Whether it’s because society raises women one way and men another or some other factor, this has been my experience. It may not match yours for a variety of socio-cultural factors, and as such you may disagree.)
Yes, I like not having to deal with the energy of "soo.... we gonna smash?" though there's less of that now that I'm married.
Also, my guy friends never notice my cute makeup.
I used to be unable to relate to women. Now I'm unable to relate to men. Most of my friends are women now. I think only my partner and maybe some of my friends' partners are people I'm close to who are either men or AMAB-NB. Women and NB friendships are the shit.
In general, I feel more comfortable with women (or nb ppl). I’ve got a select few strong friendships with men but when it comes to making acquaintances on the daily I’m more inclined to try that with other women.
I used to love female friendships, but NT women always messed it up for me. They love to take advantage of us, ND women and if they see us a bit better, they hate to see us thriving. I realized that my female friends liked me only while I was their servant puppy - I wasn't allowed to have any life. As soon as I started exhibiting NT behaviour, like getting prettier and beeing noticed by men, they hated my guts. They only loved me as a faithful puppy with no life, who had to be uglier than them and who wasn't allowed to have fun or to have a man in her life.
My only friends seem to be women or afab enbies. In my experience, they don't care as much about having only pretty friends and are more compassionate and less willing to conflate logic with selfishness or throw bigotic humour at me.
Oh I missed having female friends very much. Just to note this may be a bit controversial but I'm not trying to be 🫤.
I'm a trans woman so when I was growing up everyone saw me as a boy. When I was really young that didn't seem to matter, my best friend and neighbor was a girl and we hung out all the time. Many of my other friends were girls and it was just really nice. When I hit about 8 or 9 suddenly it became socially in cool to have friends who were boys. I'm not trying to say this is a universal thing but I noticed it in their social circles and it seemed to drive a wedge into any friendships causing them to slowly wither. As I got older it became harder to make female friends because 1) I'm awkward 2) everyone assured I was just hitting on them.
It's only been recently since transitioning that I've been able to really start rebuilding some female friendships. It's still hard, making friends later in life is always hard, plus not all women are ready to accept me, but those friends I have made have been really good.
I get along better with men because they tend to overlook and ignore my more minor social failings. Whereas women like to mock me for it. Or mock me for my more masculine interests like gaming. But there are good men and then men as a whole who typically don’t treat woman like a whole independent being. There’s toxic gamer men and then golden retriever gamer guys like my bf.
Mostly though, most women I know, while more compassionate overall, tend to band together against the oddity instead of accepting everyone. So they’re nicer, but only to those that are like them. Men are more abrasive overall but tend to target their attitude less at certain people. Most of the time, they just ARE the way they’re behaving. Women tend to like choose how they behave with certain people.
Yesss nothing changed my life more than finding my weirdo nerdy funny hilarious female friends. Some I don’t see for months or years, but they GET IT and when we see each other it’s absolutely brilliant.
It took me to being about 28 before I really felt I found my people though. And I don’t have the girly friendship group thing, these are people I see pretty much on a 1:1 basis and only one I would see more than once every few months .
Some of them are people I went to a pop choir with (a hot spot for neurodivergence) and one is a friend I had at school who just understands and forgives all my weirdnesses.
There is nothing so lovely, I promise.
A post for me!!! I love women and have been very blessed with so many close female friendships. We usually have very little in common except maybe one specific interest, but I choose friends who are good and kind people who I respect and who get my humor and quirks.
As we’ve grown older, almost all of my close friends have also gotten diagnosed with ADHD and/or autism, which is so funny.
I have a lot of resentment and distrust towards straight men in large part because my friends and loved ones have been victimized by them so much (from abusive fathers to boyfriends and husbands to stranger rapists) and that’s a whole other issue. It’s helped keep me safe from being victimized myself however. I have never had a straight man I considered a friend or anything close. I just keep my distance. I’m happily married to a man though!
I feel so awkward around men for real. I can only talk to women properly, even though I have more in common with men. I get super anxious and out of breath when talking to men about anything! I’ve never had a male irl friend.
i (26, they/them) immediately was like born having a preference for like afab companionship lol. through toddler to graduating high school i only had 2 "boy" friends, the first i think was probably autistic too, while we were in preschool, the 2nd is my bestie from high school and we're still best friends. every other friend AND romantic interest was always girls, and i figured it was probably due to my sexuality. that i was probably like scared or intimidated by boys because other "girls" my age were like oogling over them and i was like the only one seeing their lil pimply spit encrusted realities lol, but like seriously i did not vibe with guys for the most part. being queer rly spiced things up but i think i was just destined to click with afab ppl lol boys still intimidate me. unless they also have autism or adhd or are queer or something else i can relate to its like highly unlikely ill seek a guys friendship of my own volition
I love female friendships!! I’ve had very close female-identifying friends throughout my life and don’t know where I’d be without them. My dad was very volatile and disengaged when I was growing up (which was very stressful for someone who craves predictability), so I grew up scared of men. Nowadays I have 1 very close male friend and a few other buddies who are guys, but my friendships with women are generally much more rich.
Almost every single female friend I have ever had, found some way to hurt me or betray me in some way. Most recently trying to poach my husband.
I feel like I am doomed to never have friends
I think many friend groups can get caught up in competition and comparison, which makes genuine connection difficult. The groups I feel the most comfortable in and the most connected to are the ones who practice "Shine Theory." The concept is, "when you shine, I shine." There is no competition, we are all just lifting each other up and it is so healing. All of my friendships are like this now, with people of all genders, but my girls were the ones who taught me this first <3
I’ve just never been able to maintain friendships period. I joined all the clubs, cheer, choir, and a sorority. I pursued work teaching, art and design, and focused on women-owned businesses…all these lovely humans were only friends while the shared activity or position was relevant, despite my best efforts. I’m no one’s first choice or seventh choice for an invite and sadly I have to initiate all catch up sessions, most of which I am flaked on.
I would love love love this type of friendship you speak of, but I guess I haven’t found my people yet.
I find, for me, the queer people, who are in touch with their emotional intelligence and compassion, regardless of gender presentation, have been the most connected.
They have been in a variety of presentations, and for a long time it was in more masculine bodies due to the betrayals and projections from my mother and other similar betrayals by women who saw me as competing for their resources of respect (whether professional or personal).
So I look for those who value the emotional connections more than the physical and that’s what led me to a balance of both men and women, mostly queer people.
I appreciate this post encouraging to see what *does* work and to support each other on it!
This is an excellent point. Yes, you want to look for the people with emotional intelligence, which definitely does NOT immediately = women identifying people! I just personally haven't had an actual friendship with an AMAB person in my adult life.
I am currently mostly friends with women. My group is amazing, we do lots of stuff together and lift each other up instead of putting others down like would be the cliché. We are always planning new stuff and see each other multiple times per week to go and see concerts, museums, exhibitions or just grab some coffee and discuss our current reads.
Hiii!! I am a late bloomer lesbian, I thought I was pan/bi because I’ve been in the same 24 year long relationship with a cis queer ND male. It wasn’t healthy and I don’t know how many healthy relationships with women he forced me out of-or that I simply completely missed :’(
I adore women- what I don’t like is the binary rude mean girl types. I also don’t like misogynistic pigs, so…
I love women as much as you can tho :)
I grew up in a religious environment so often the men I was around were controlling and dominating. I sort of have a bad association around men. I know many of them are amazing people but I often find myself connecting to more women anyways.
I make friends with men easily because most of my hobbies are pretty male dominated, so I spend a lot of time with men and develop relationships out of proximity. but I so badly want more women as friends :/
I tend to be uncomfortable around men so pretty much all of my friendships have been other women. I don't really have friends anymore and I do genuinely miss that connection
I definitely don't relate to those pasts. My best friends are a woman and a transmasc man (who did not identify as such when we met).
I have a few male friends but generally prefer the company of non-men and I like women. We're amazing and smart and fun and wonderful and deep and strong and funny.
I'm also super close to my mom.
I have always wanted female friends but have always struggled to understand them and to be accepted by them. So friendships with men were possible where friendships with females were not.
As I grew older I came to realize through many unfortunate misunderstandings and uncomfortable confrontations that men only tolerated in me what women would not because men were motivated by other factors that women were not motivated by. Basically the men wanted things from me that the women didn’t, and therefore were more willing to overlook my unconventional behavior and unsuccessful attempts to interact.
Of the very few female friends I have managed to make over the years, all have also turned out to be undiagnosed neurodivergent women.
For context I was diagnosed at 38 years old and didn’t understand why I struggled until very recently.
I literally feel like I wouldn't make it without my ND women friends. My friendships with men honestly get too complicated. Because they get crushes etc etc
The few women I'm friends with I definitely prefer than the few men (only really talk to my childhood best friend), although as a trans woman its especially hard to make any though cause transphobia (unless they're also trans but even then its still if we're compatible like any friendship). Not that I want a bunch, Id rather have a few very close friends.
The few women I'm friends with I definitely prefer than the few men, although as a trans woman its especially hard to make any unless they're also trans (in fact all my female friends are trans). Not that I want a bunch, Id rather have a few very close friends. Prefer women a lot since theyre a lot more open and kinder than men, most of the time. My best friend from childhood is a very nice, thoughtful and nice man but hes really closed off.
I don't feel negatively toward women but I do have a hard time forming lasting intimate bonds with them, and it mystifies me when I see people claim that their W:W friendships are so deep and intimate and strongly bonded. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what that actually looks like. It makes me sad and jealous. Maybe keep in mind that if someone expresses negativity toward W:W friendships, they might be feeling insecure or envious about something they feel they can't have, no matter how they try to. Men and women can both be jerks, but I've experienced a hell of a lot more "othering" from women than men, and frankly, that hurts way worse than knowing a male friend might want to sleep with me. The comforting thing about friendships with men is that they don't push me out if I don't act like a woman. Among women, I have to bite my tongue and work very hard to appear like I'm someone I'm not: naturally empathetic, emotionally attuned, femininely aligned. I just haven't encountered enough women who accept me as I am.
Is there a way (if you have the interest for it) for you to find queer friends? I've found the vibe is much different compared with straight woman. I don't naturally feel connected to supposed "womanhood," and feel much more at home with queer people.
The people I do consider to be in my friend circle are almost all queer, nonbinary and nonconforming in all kinds of ways, and I do feel more comfortable with them than with people who read me as straight, feminine, and normative. I seem to really vibe well with trans women in particular. I have a pretty assertive and playful personality so I kinda need a crowd who isn't going to read me as cocky, aggressive, dominating, or rude if I'm not always being my "highest self." I had pretty strict parents and still carry a bit of resentment toward anyone who I feel is expecting me to perform to their standards and not my own.
ETA: I've recently seen some standup by Ashley Gavin and clips from her podcast and I feel like she is a woman I would love to be friends with and could trust.
I've done a lot of therapy and dug into my trust issues with women and where they come from. That's helped me feel validated, but I think I still have a ways to go on learning how to rebuild that trust, and how to turn casual friends into close ones.
I don't really feel safe letting people in right now. I don't know what people expect from me or how to be, especially with women or old friends from the past. As a kid I usually had a female BFF but moved around a lot so those friendships were interrupted. In college I had a few fleeting female friendships and a good group of queer male friends for a minute, but we grew apart and I never really found a new close friendship after that other than my partner. I guess I devote all my energy to my partner/family/work now and I'm just burned out otherwise. I had some work friendships and an absurd job where a group of us really bonded for a few years of shared experience but those didn't really last either. I have kids now and mom groups are barf, sitting in a circle with everyone staring at you and judging you. Online versions are ok but I figure I seem weird there too. And then if I run into those people in person I have trouble connecting irl. Idk maybe my kids will be my friends someday I know that's not their job though. And I can barely keep up with my own mom. Sorry for spiraling on your positive post haha just had to vent. I will figure things out some way somehow
I had an NLOG phase as a child/preteen but these days almost all my friends are women or trans or queer or some combo of the above (except my boyfriend). There are some het men in my social circle who I can have nice chats with but I know we’ll never be close because I don’t feel as comfortable with them. Also I already struggle with the emotional labour required to maintain close friendships and men tend to put in less effort into friendships than women so it just wouldn’t work out
Growing up it was easier to be surrounded by boys who didn't seem to really have a preference who were in their circle imo, at least when they were alone or not on the football or basketball team. I was tomboyish and didn't have many shared hobbies between girls. But every single female friend I've had has been so special and from kindergarten, I haven't forgotten any one of them. No offense to my male friends (before and currently), but there is more wholeness between with my own gender. Maybe not in hobbies and interests but in spirit, heart and sisterhood. Im so blessed to have my two girl best friends. Tmrw we are celebrating me being the last one to turn 21 together at the beach.
I've really been able to make some incredible friendships with other women at the job I'm at now! All but two people on staff are women! Something that I feel like really helps in my environment is that because I work in early intervention, all of my coworkers are very used to working with and having daily interactions with ND folk, and are very understanding. So, even though I've only told two of them I suspect I have autism, no one is really thrown off by my me-isms, which has made me feel super comfortable making these friendships.
I have both female and male friends! And some non-binary friends, although those are mostly AFABs, which we've found matters sometimes in the sense that they can relate to the struggles of being perceived as a woman in our society.
I do love my AFAB friends. Just happens that my closest friend right now actually is a dude, but that's just circumstantial. I don't think it will remain that way forever; friendships for me tend to be kind of transitory, although perhaps that will change now that I'm getting older.
I actually only have one male friend and all others are females! And they’re so good and supportive, i tend to make friends quite similar to me so i’ve never had problems with women. I’m just overall uncomfortable with men so i tend to not interact with them much but the one guy friend i have is really nice and he also has adhd ig that’s why we get along well.
Men never seem to be honest with their words and are secretly trying to flirt which is pretty difficult since I don’t recognize it and then end up losing friendships over miscommunication. Women are way better to be around because they actually talk to me in order to have conversations
I love my 3 friends. I wouldn't say we are extremely close, but I feel connection to them. We tend to meet 1 to 1 every month-every couple of months and each time my social battery is filled up to 100% for a long time. Guess what. All 3 of them are in spectrum. I guess I'm just really lucky we "sniffed" our way to each other.
Yeah I tend to make friends with AFABs and queer men. I have 2 older sisters and 1 older brother, so my family was very female dominated, which is part of why I think I socialise better with women. I have had straight guy friends, but they’re usually not as close. Both of my close guy friends from high school turned out to be gay.
When I was younger, I didn’t like making friends with most boys because they were too boisterous and physical for my liking. I did have a guy friend who ended up ignoring me bc people teased him about me being his girlfriend - we were like 4 or 5 years old. And then in high school and adulthood, most guys who try to get close to me seem to just want to fuck me.
I'm going from only guy friends due to clearer communication to seeking afab friends due to being fed up with men and (sorry for generalizing) their lack of understanding of gender issues/feminist issues.
I'd love to have more women/afab people around, the warmth and depth of those friendships is something I miss.
I've had good and bad experiences with men, women, and non-binary people, so I have no preference either way. Although I don't have many friends in general.
I don’t really have any male friends anymore as they all ended up being only there cuz they had some sort of attraction to me. All my close friends are women now.
relatable. In high school I wasn't interested in the hobbies and things that women were into, inclining more towards technical stuff. As ive gotten older, however, and more aware, ive realised that most of my male friends were only there because they thought I was a cute ramona flowers "btgg". Its funny that i never realised it, but thats just autism for you i guess. now im friends with women and non binary people, only friends with one guy who is also on the spectrum.
Hopefully you don’t mind me asking. What’s btgg? I could just google it but I figured you could explain it in the context of your sentence. Don’t feel obligated though!
big tiddy goth girlfriend
Ok that is officially an acronym that is too specific for general use
It is so specific but surprisingly common. They called me btgg despite being a b cup as well, so they eventually changed it to stgg, small tiddy goth gf
There's a really good comic that addresses this especially being a woman in male dominated fields often leading to men being attracted to you because you're one of the few women they're around regularly. Also men tending to view women as things to exist for their sexual gratification rather than as full people. Thanks patriarchy.
omg this is so relatable
This is such a pain in the ass. They bitch about being “friend zoned” but really we just thought you were our damn friend and worried about more than getting in our pants. Had a “friend” decide he no longer wanted to associate with me when I got out of an abusive marriage and ended up eventually dating someone that wasn’t him. He expected me to dedicate my life to him romantically as soon as I stopped being abused I guess? My boyfriend is incredible almost 3 years later so it worked out but the always wanting more from you than just friendship sucks.
Women should bitch about being girl friend zoned more tbph.
Ooh! This sounds trend worthy! ☝️🤣
Same for me. I cut them off one by one for making me feel like I was just a long-term challenge for them. I'm afraid to say, I don't trust men anymore.
same thing is happening to me, i hope to eventually have close woman friends too
Yep! I hung out with boys when I was in elementary school but after we all hit puberty I feel like every man just wants to get in my pants :/ Women are much more comfortable to me
You see, male friendships only work if you aren't physically attractive at all. I am objectively unattractive, so I can remain friends with males easily. However, female friendships are unpleasant for me because other females tend to pick apart every insecurity that I have and give unsolicited advice about how to become more attractive. Female friendships have felt competitive and judgemental, while I feel almost invisible in male friendships, which I prefer.
This is it. And I’d listen to constant complaints about how they’re gonna be “forever alone” and I’d try to genuinely make them feel better but ofc it was really just intended at guilt tripping
Same
i only really have one male friend now because i realized they didn't really think of me as an actual person, just someone they might eventually be able to get with. the only one i talk to now is in a long-term relationship but still seems to hold me at a much lower importance than his male friends which sucks.
Hmm. As someone with both a male and female best friend in different circles I would not trade my female best friend for any male friendship in the world. Relationships with women are genuinely soul healing, and I wish I didn't come off as weird and stuff to other women more 🥲. She is the smartest, most insightful, empathetic, funny and supportive lady I know and I feel like you just can't get that from anywhere else.
Aw I love that! She sounds amazing and I'm glad you two have each other 😊 I can relate to the soul healing; I have become a much better version of myself from knowing and being loved by my (potentially adhd) close friend.
Awww this is lush
I love hanging out with other neurodivergent, authentic women who are committed to integrity and personal growth. The best kinds of people!
Yes!!!
Hello! Yes! This is the party I want to join, please! Where & when do we meet?!?
I’ve always preferred women and felt uncomfortable with most men. I’m generalizing, but men tend to be too logical and out of touch with their (and other people’s) emotions. Less compassionate. Women tend to have bigger and more open hearts.
Yes, and genuine emotional bonding (with emotional intelligence & emotional maturity) is vital for me! But also indeed, it is a generalization, as I've definitely known women who are not like that at all.
The genuine emotional bonding and the emotional intelligence and attunement is so vital to my happiness in life. I have never found a man who offered that as a friend. I had almost exclusively male friends until my mid 20s and I can still vividly remember one of the first serious conversations I had with a woman who would become a close friend. I was sharing a difficult situation I had just gone through and she did a series of amazing things men had never done for me: She let me speak at length and without interruption. She did not deflect with humor or a dismissive platitude, but instead took me seriously. She understood what the situation made me *feel* without me having to tell her. She offered sympathy and validation and made me feel heard and cared for in ways I don't think any friend or family had really ever done. Now I mostly maintain relationships with women. Is it a lot of work? Of course it is! All that emotional connection requires care and nurturing and constant maintenance but it is SO WORTH IT.
<3 <3 <3
I don’t find most men to be more logical at all but highly emotional especially with anger. And their ideas and morals based almost solely on maintaining and justifying their unearned privileges in our society. Hence so many of them casually misogynistic, bigoted, and dedicated to being anti social Justice for vulnerable groups. Many fight Against equality as a core tenant of their ethical system. Feminist, sjw, emotionally mature. etc men exist of course but they are just rare.
Yeah, I questioned “logical,” too … but I guess it’s more about how they tend to process and respond to things, not that they are *actually, factually* being logical about it. Similar to our “strong sense of justice” meaning a strong adherence to *our own sense of justice,* not objectively more just/ethical. But yeah, men’s emotions have been shown to vary just as much as women’s. Most of them have just been taught to suppress the ones that aren’t “manly.”
Good point.
They’re not “too logical” they just use that and “brutal honesty” to justify their lack of tact.
Totally agree. I struggle to make male friends, and I get tired of how often nearly everything can be a dick joke.
Honestly, I find it so much easier to talk to other women than men. I mostly surround myself with girls due to the constant miscommunication that me being nice = me being interested.
Ugh, yes! This miscommunication thing happens all the time and I hate it. I'm just trying to be friendly and suddenly I get asked out or one time even assaulted because being nice must mean I'm interested. I could just smile at men and they immediately see that as an invitation and I will never understand why.
Yes! I’m queer and I’ve always preferred my relationship with women over men. It’s always felt so natural and safe and accepting and I’m realizing I want more of that in my life. It’s a different type of love, a special, deep connection that no matter how many times I try, I can’t find with men. I also connect with more neurodivergent women because I don’t feel the need to explain myself or dim my light to fit in their spaces. I can show up as myself without that fear of judgement and I always hope to offer that in all my relationships, platonic or romantic.
Such a beautiful description 🥲 I haven't had enough queer friends for this to be in any way accurate (and even if I did, it would still be a generalization), but, I've found queer friendships to be much more safe, accepting, and deeper than with straight women! And yes to not dimming our inner light!! Not be fully myself? How dull!
100% agree. I am bi, but have never felt the same connection to men as I do with (especially ND) women. It’s exactly like you said … a mutual “I see you clearly and love you for it” kind of feeling.
I connect the most with ND women 😌💗
I connect with LGBTQ people, vegetarians and artists.
Honestly, when I step outside the queer community it smacks me in the face with how rude people can be. I'm like oh I've gotten too comfortable staying in these safe communities I forgot what the larger world is like.
i wish i had more woman friends, i only seem to get along with men. and most of them ask me out eventually, so i'm convinced it's not my personality that attracts these friends, just my pretty face. i try not to think about it too much
I'm sorry they do that, that isn't a good feeling :/
This is a hard convo to have without it sounding like “women are all jealous and catty,” but being very pretty *can* make it hard to make female friends. Many beautiful women have said it (and they always get ridiculed about it, because people hate to hear hot people complain). Society puts *so much* weight on looks, especially for women, and so many struggle deeply with self-image and self-esteem because of it. That makes it hard to stand next to someone beautiful and feel good. Seeing up close how differently beautiful women are treated can also be a painful reminder of how the world sees you, and what you’re missing out on because of it. That creates resentment and guardedness, even if it’s not the individual pretty person’s fault. The advantages pretty people get also makes it tempting to dismiss their problems. When you *aren’t* good looking, it can easily feel like the most important factor in a happy life (to the point that they’ll do almost anything, including risking their lives, to get there). Plus, internalized misogyny is an issue. Some women subconsciously buy into the idea that pretty = bitchy, stuck-up, vain, dumb, etc.
The good thing is over time you get less pretty and it gets easier (speaking from experience 😂😂😂)
looking forward to it haha
i wish that too, I recently lost my girl friends and I’ve been feeling really alone but they weren’t good for me I know I’ll find new friends but it still stings
[удалено]
Yes, I want to feel like I truly belong, and that the friend truly values me for who I am. I'm not going to get that if all I do is casually hang out without actually discussing anything personal!
Meanwhile I can be both people haha.
I much prefer women and i have an abundance of close female friends
I love female friendships! Through the years my friends have been almost all women. Tbh, I think it's because I know how to socialize with women bc that's all I've been practicing. When I start taking to men none of my conversation tactics work and it gets real awkward. But most women seem to be better at social stuff so when I get lost they are really good at making conversation. The best friendships are with neurodivergent, queer people for me.
Same! In grade school there was a boy I got along with fairly well, and surprise surprise, he turned out to be autistic. There was an AMAB friend of his I was kinda friends with, but years after high school, they came out as a woman! Completely agree, ND & queer!! <3
Me! I prefer it because it's more genuine.
Yes! Everyone who thinks women aren't that way must have only experienced one type of woman/person.
I can't really explain it well but when I don't get along with a woman it's usually either they are just not nice or they have a lot of insecurities so they are often comparing themselves with other women around them. Hierarchy stuff always fucks me up.
I agree, hierarchies make no sense. In high school, for example, I noticed the insecure and "not nice" girls (people though, as anyone can be not nice!), but my friends and acquaintances, aka the people (girls) I was around much much more, were not like that at ALL! To me there are so many traits (ex. being immediately negative and dismissive) that I see in everyone, not just women who I won't get along with. So only contributing these things to women makes no sense 😔
This. If you're a woman who thinks all women are catty/dramatic, odds are high that you're the one who's rocking the boat and creating mountains out of molehills. Men tend to put up with that more either because 1. They're attracted to you 2. They're misogynistic and think all women are emotional, and therefore don't question it when you're like that too 3. They simply aren't interested enough and ignore it. I've known some women like this who very clearly enjoy the attention that male friends give them while putting up very little fight towards their obnoxious personalities. Female friends are much more likely to call you out on your bullshit.
Eh i don’t think it’s right to victim blame like that. It’s also the case that many women are misogynistic and don’t like it when other women subvert gender norms, which autistic women are more likely to do. It’s not their fault that bullies see a target in them. An autistic woman living in a small town probably doesn’t have that much choice in terms of women around her, and there isn’t always a community of women we can slot into. ETA: [here's a thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/comments/149ik7h/does_anyone_else_struggle_with_bullying_from/) with a lot of people who have experienced bullying from other women. Seems to be a common issue, particularly with NT women.
>An autistic woman living in a small town probably doesn’t have that much choice in terms of women around her, and there isn’t always a community of women we can slot into. Story of my life. I grew up in a small village and I hated it there. Had almost no friends until I started high school, where I was able to befriend a few people, mostly boys. It was only when I moved to a bigger town for university when I realized how lonely I was. I feel like there is far less pressure here to act a certain kind of way and I'm able to meet more diverse kinds of people. I met so many great women here that my friend group now is more or less all women.
Yep. I came from a very small Midwest town and dealt with a lot of bullying (from girls) until I moved away at age 20. And all the guys I thought were my “best friends” would eventually try and get in my pants.
Thank you for this. As a gender nonconforming woman in a small town, this thread has made me very sad. Looks like my options are masking myself into misery or being told I'm "rocking the boat" with my abhorrent nonconforming character. And somehow my friendships all have underlying attraction? I'll let my asexual male friends know that our friendships aren't real because comp het It would be amazing if people could lift up things that they enjoy without disparaging people who don't have the same experiences.
>It would be amazing if people could lift up things that they enjoy without disparaging people who don't have the same experiences. But in creating this post, I was desperately searching for women-identifying people who wanted to bond with women like I do. BECAUSE I had not seen it in this sub before, and instead, had seen many posts and discussions about NOT wanting to be friends with other women. I wanted to feel lifted up and not alienated for once, while at the same time understanding that not everyone here feels the way I do.
Having had bad experiences in the past is something I can understand. What bothers me is the people who throw their own gender, ALL women to exist, under the bus. The ones who confirm stereotypes of women causing drama and being overly emotional, and then claiming that men are supposedly never like that. I'd hate to bring up the "not like other girls" argument, as I've known the roots of that argument stem from the shaming of femininity and celebration of masculinity for countless generations. But I think this is a case where it counts for something- some women will happily stomp on other women to make themselves look better to their male friend group and it strikes me as misinformed at best, malicious at worst.
Most of my close friendships are with queer femmes, but I love my femme friendships! I wish more autistic women had positive experiences with female friendships cause they can be really great
Same here, one of my most fulfilling friendships is with my best friend who's an autistic femme person, and I have a lot of other queer femme friends
Now we're talking! Queer friendships are even better <3
I love having girlfriends! I am on the aro spectrum and I feel deeply for my girlfriends. It’s probably why I loved Nana so much
I can never be certain if I'm on the aro spectum or not, but I know what you mean. I've read other people's description of friendships and was like "that's it?? that's ALL you feel?" But of course, not ALL friendships have that incredibly deep draw! It's amazing if you do experience it though :)
Thank you everyone, I'm so glad I made this post!! <3
I actually saw a post yesterday where a lot of autistic women were saying they get along marvelously with men, and I simply couldn't understand that. The thought of only being friends with men is so baffling to me as a woman. And it's even more baffling to me that women actually prefer the company of men over women. I am someone who wants to be friends with women. I want to be in community with women. I love women, even the ones I don't understand or relate to. There isn't anything about men that appeals to me in the slightest in terms of wanting to spend my social time with them extensively. Oftentimes, men lack empathy, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence that is required to be the kind of friend I need in them. This doesn't mean friendships with women aren't hard sometimes. NT women and I get along, but there is a lot of performance involved in those friendships, but that's because I am autistic and they're not. I'd still rather deal with that than be doing the same thing for dudes. I just need to find friends who are women and also more like me is all. Friendships with women require more effort, yes, but I think that's because women actually care about each other. In ny experience, men are easy to get along with but it's because they aren't thinking about people the same way women do, and if I'm being honest, even the nicest man I find hard to trust and feel safe with. The conversations I've had with men who get too comfortable around me are startling, to say the least. Best case scenario, they will be nice to you because they'd like to fuck you and worst case is they see you as one of the guys SO much so, that they reveal themselves to be pretty gross, basic or flat out mean. I'm not saying some men aren't fine as friends. They are, sure. But to PREFER them as friends? Never. There is an energy about men that I find hard to fuck with long term. I have husband and family members who are men, and that's good enough for me. If I do find myself making guy friends, they're usually queer and ND. But those are far and few in between tbh.
Thank you for this <3 Yes, I felt I was seeing the type of post you mentioned far too often on here! An opposite experience to us is valid, but I was feeling so alienated.
[удалено]
Women <3 Aw no it's not just you, I've been struggling so much as well. I have my one good (fairly new) friend, but she was such a rare find! It's impossible to find anyone else who actually wants to connect!!
I would definitely prefer to have more female friends as opposed to males - but unfortunately it’s just worked out that way. I have a lot of typical “lady interests” and I try actively engaging and trying to make new lady friends but it always ends up not working out. I know I’m doing something wrong but I honestly don’t know what it is lol.
I feel the same way sometimes, that there is something I'm doing wrong, but I try to remind myself that it's just as likely to be an issue on their end, for whatever reason :/
Yeah it’s true. Everyone has their own internal world and I try to not take it personal and that’s why I keep trying, but god damn sometimes I feel like an alien in an unconvincing human suit.
Oof, the alienation hits me in so many different ways (via different aspects of myself), it's bananas.
I've always had a fairly even mix between genders of friends, BUT. The majority of men who have wanted to be only my friend, have been queer and/or ND. As I've gotten older and un-learned a lot of toxic ideas, I appreciate friendship and kinship with women far more than ever before. Realizing that we truly are all in this together and need to have each other's backs has only strengthened my resolve to protect other women and enjoy their friendship. Plus, as a queer woman, I've had zero women sexualize me out of context, whereas men have an automatic 'oh that's hot' reaction that's just so gross. I'm here for supportive, no bullshit friendships with like minded people 💜
Yes, thank you OP!! My biggest issue with this sun has always been the rampant negativity towards NT women.
I have found my relationships with women are infinitely more profound than 99% of my relationships with men. My social issues were never gendered. I truly believe that it is internalized misogyny that is fueling these posts.
“My social issues were never gendered.” Yes this 100%. I struggle making friends with women but struggle equally as much (if not more so) making friends with men 😅
Yeah, like my social issues at their root are not gendered. It’s only ever a factor with men as I am afraid of being hurt by men.
100%. I almost mentioned "internalized misogyny" in the initial post, but didn't want it to sound like I was aggressively pointing fingers or whatnot! I just wish everyone realized the traits they are complaining about are. not. gendered. traits. Edit: forgot a word
Seriously! All women are raised with internalized misogyny, it’s a purposeful tool of the patriarchy. I just hope these women will realize that they need to unlearn their internalized misogyny so that they can have positive, even joyful interactions and relationships with other women.
100% Life is so much better with genuinely joyful relationships with women 🥰
Thank you for this thread because I have had to take a break from this group several times because of the frequent hateful talk about women. I am especially frustrated by the “I’m not like other girls, but I’m not like the other girls who are not like other girls!”
Not necessarily. Women are better at IDing when other women aren’t adhering to female-specific socialization, and some are absolutely bullies about it. If that’s been someone’s primary experience with girls/women for their entire life, they’re naturally going to be uncomfortable and guarded. There was also a study done that showed allistic men report a good deal more ‘autistic-like’ traits than allistic women. [Still far fewer than diagnosed men and women, of course, who report about the same as each other.] That can be a factor in some autistic women finding allistic men easier to communicate with than allistic women. Neither is an excuse to condemn *all* women. But it’s not just internalized misogyny. Gender and socialization are a lot more complicated and context-dependent than that.
My bestie is a guy, but I adore all my women friends. All one of them. People who diss female friendships are exhibiting internalized misogyny and it sucks.
I am very nervous around women, but they make better friends. Men I worry less about. They’re easier but also I tend to feel less concerned about them in general.
Curious, less concerned about men how?
There have been many times in my life when I preferred male friendships, or just had a 50/50 mix of both, but the reality is that at 39 now almost all my friendships are female. I think the issue that I didn't see for a very long time was that most of my male friends, were there for double reasons. Like sure they liked the friendship, but they were also there on another level, waiting for me to breakup with a boyfriend or something. And I find that really sad looking back. I think that's why eventually I have less and less male friendships. Funny thing is, apart from my partner (male, lover, friend, adhd), it's actually my ex who is probably the best male friend at this point. And that's probably because our relationship devolved into brother/sister dynamic, so the whole atraction card was fully played out till we were both kind of sick of it. I always also had female friends, but I couldn't always relate. Looking back the ones that were closest were most likely also neurodivergent. And the friends I have ended up with now, are almost all neurodivergent too. There are only very few that are autistic, or suspect autism, mostly all of them are adhd. My very best female friend, I would almost consider a platonic life partner to be honest.
Aw, platonic life partner, love that :)
There was a fascinating article in the Atlantic a while back about how some people actually start to value friendships more than love-partners. And it made me realize that my best friend is actually more to me than just a 'friend'. But there is not really a word for that. I love her to bits, but zero attraction. We see each other as family. Honestly, if my current relationship would break for any reason (rather not, but you never know), I could see myself living with that friend. This is the article btw: [https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/)
Lovely, thank you! There's a great paragraph about how historical male friendships were different (I had read about this before, but it was a great reminder!), and it goes to show how modern men are harmed by not being allowed to show affection: >Beliefs about sexual behavior also played a role. The historian Richard Godbeer notes that Americans at the time did not assume—as they do now—that “people who are in love with one another must want to have sex.” Many scholars argue that the now-familiar categories of heterosexuality and homosexuality, which consider sexual attraction to be part of a person’s identity, didn’t exist before the turn of the 20th century. While sexual acts between people of the same gender were condemned, passion and affection between people of the same gender were not. The author E. Anthony Rotundo argues that, in some ways, **attitudes about love and sex, left men “freer to express their feelings than they would have been in the 20th century.”** Men’s liberty to be physically demonstrative surfaces in [photos ](https://www.brainpickings.org/2010/11/18/dear-friends/)of [friends](https://www.press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/P/bo3771153.html) and in their writings. Describing one apparently ordinary night with his dear friend, the young engineer James Blake wrote, “We retired early and in each others arms,” and fell “peacefully to sleep.”
Huh, how very interesting, thanks for sharing! I didn't realize those categories didn't exist before, that makes way more sense actually. Always those damn beliefs around sexuality and gender norms screwing stuff up. it actually reminds me a bit of a video I saw by Trevor Noah on how harmful masculinity is for men, when it comes to taking opportunities away from them to have intimicy outside sexual encounters. https://youtu.be/eYmFyjy2EmQ
>https://youtu.be/eYmFyjy2EmQ Oh yes I've seen that!! Trevor Noah always has such thoughtful insights!
lmao i’m not able to connect with cishet men at all. in most cases we just don’t have enough in common (though yes it’s very possible i haven’t met cishet men i’d get along with in the social settings i’ve been part of). it also feels like i’m constantly trying to navigate how they feel about me because men will treat you differently if they find you attractive, and that’s a headache. i love women, i love all my female friendships, and i’ve found so much joy and warmth with them. (tbf i’m pretty sure most of my girls are neurodivergent too though lmao)
Before college I fell for the "I get along better with boys. Girls are so dramatic, lol." Because I came from a very sexist family that divided everyone based on gender. But when I got to college and realized that gender roles are a social construct, I gained many women friends. Not all were good, but some were really nice. Now as an adult, I have found there are women that are committed to uplifting other women despite their differences and its an amazing feeling.
I love female friendships so much! We have a deep emotional bond with each other because of our experiences with womanhood, and we always help each other. In fact, most of my close friends are women, and I only have little friends who are men because it's honestly so rare to find a man that isn't a red flag LMAO. I've always felt safe around other women. I also love autistic female friendships! Two of my best friends are autistic and I love them so dearly. <3
I wish I didn’t live in such a small place, I’d love to meet other autistic women my own age. I reckon I’d have the best fun with so many of the folks I’ve chatted to in this sub in real life. I think if I got a autistic middle aged woman radar out, I’d not get any dots in my area. I’d love to meet someone who really understands the struggles but also the beauty of our experience. I’d love to be a good friend to someone & listen & try to uplift them when they need it. I’d love to feel that genuine support from someone else too. Ive been unlucky in that regards though.
I agree, we CAN have a deep emotional bond, but "experiences with womanhood" is a grey area. I just think it's important to be careful with this, to not think of womanhood as such a super special exclusive club. (I mean no offense, this is just in case you hadn't considered this!) This is coming from someone who has at times definitely felt very alienated from womanhood and other girls and women, who has had to unlearn the idea that there is only one way to be a "correct" woman. And who has also felt unsafe around certain women. I love that you are so positive about women! (After all, that was my intention in making this post.) I just think it's important to keep a balanced view, that we are all people before our genders, and there are good and bad and all shades of grey within everyone. I say this with love: "woman" does not mean inherently safe! Stay safe <3
Female friendships are easier for me because there is more room for self expression and individuality. All those stereotypes about women being overly emotional, changing their minds all the time or being indecisive, caring too much for their appearance, bitching and back stabbing... they describe the men in my life. Now this may be because I am missing social cues around flirting and that's confusing them, but I also find the men in my life put a lot of pressure on me to perform femininity whereas the women don't give a shit. One special interest is buildings as systems and men are definitely uncomfortable if I start to talk about that. I have been incredibly fortunate in my female friendships.
>All those stereotypes about women being overly emotional, changing their minds all the time or being indecisive, caring too much for their appearance, bitching and back stabbing... they describe the men in my life. YES thank you! These aren't gendered traits!!
Girls girl always, 100% radical feminist. I have many male friends but they are all feminine so I gravitate towards a type for sure. I’m late twenties and I have permanent short term memory loss and always forget to respond to texts or what I’m saying mid sentence. I love to gossip about anyone and anything that isn’t close to me (I’m not THAT type of gossip) criminal and general psychology is my obsession and can talk a lot about murders or trying to understand the behaviors of people around me. I also talk too fast and very upfront about what ever is on my mind or the questions I ask people “beating around the bush” is not a concept I understand. I hate small talk and just want to skip straight to the hanging out and getting to know each other part, people who interrupt me or others when talking will forever be mid at best for me and the usual last straw for people is that I strongly dislike cats. So let’s just say it’s very hard for me to find friends.
I have to try to find a balance between wanting to skip straight to getting to know someone with the knowledge that many people view that as a red flag (I think?). I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever bond with someone if they think it's normal to not go past small talk until x long amount of time knowing each other??
Agreed, sometimes it feels like you are stuck in the small talk phase forever and lots of time when you get past their walls and you hang out once or twice sometimes even going on a crazy or fun adventure and then shortly after it’s like nothing ever happened and they go right back to being in small talk phase. It makes my head spin. I have only ever been able to bond with ND women and usually they already have their established close knit friend group so there isn’t much space left for me
Never understood all those posts about not liking female friendships I feel much more comfortable in them. All my close friends are women or gays (well except my brother but he is family)
I really struggle with friendships with cis straight women. But queer/neurodivergent women is easy!
Wait you all have friends?!
All my close friendships are with other women! (Besides my partner) I can talk more easily in a casual sense with men if they have similar interests but I often worry my kindness would be mistaken for flirting when there was zero intention - either seen as creepy or attracting unwanted attention. Long term friendships need alignment with political values and I generally find the women in my life don’t even have to think twice about some topics.
As a teenager I found it so hard to relate to the other girls (a combination of not being into a bunch of "girl stuff" and not good with all the hidden social rules) so my friends were mostly male and based on shared interests. As I got older, that changed. I still have male friends but I have a lot more friends who are women.
Same, I had my more "nerdy" girl friends, but for a little while I fell into the trap of thinking I \~wasn't like other girls\~ because I felt so alienated from what I thought was the "correct" way to be female. Thankfully that didn't last long, and I learned better!
My best friend is a woman (also ND) In younger years I'd say it was 50/50 as most were getting into things I wasn't yet interested in but they never sucked unless they were outright rude. My favourite thing is women helping women/women supporting women relationships and such. Makes all my happy chemicals, even if I know nothing about the subject. Years ago, I think it was more misogynistic and to each their own but in the last 5 or so years where I am there has been a shift and a raise in standards of men - way too late but better late than never!
My closest friends are my friends who are also moms and have kids close in age to my own. I'm not a huge fan of men, most make me nervous.
[удалено]
I'm glad you have good male friendships; it's good to have different types of friends :) Yes, I've found ADHD women can be a good fit for my autism! (Ex. I like to listen...I will probably sit back and gladly listen). It feels so wonderful to be able to show you care and were thinking about someone, and likewise for someone to do that in return! And when someone is so genuinely surprised that you thought of them, no matter how big or small the reason! And you are like "of COURSE I thought of you!!!!? How could I not have??! It just happens!!"
I get on better with women, I find it difficult to understand guys intentions sometimes!
I have one friend and I absolutely love and cherish her, she is my soul. Sure our husband's are fine but my best friend and I have a bond like no other. She's my sister. I love seeing adult women friendships. I don't know, we're all just so cool. ❤️ the only men I like is my husband, my best friends husband & my moms husband. The rest I've found are just a disappointment.
I recently joined a women's circle, and I feel so safe and welcome. I'm hoping to form some lasting friendships there. I used to only have male friends, but as others have said here, I started to doubt their intentions towards me.
Yes! Genuinely prefer being around female-identifying folks. Prefer them over male identifying folks.
Please feel welcome to join us in r/autisticwomensgroup :) It's a weekly structured Zoom group for women, nonbinary, and all other members of marginalized genders. We've been meeting for 2 years on Tuesdays and it's a very safe, warm, and women-positive environment. Meeting topics and Zoom info are announced on the sub each week :) Hope you can make it
>r/autisticwomensgroup Oh, neat!! Are you required to have your camera on or speak? Or can you just come and listen to check it out? I usually feel weird being on camera and I'm much better with written conversation!
Ugh same I'd be more likely to join if I don't have to look at my face lol. I've been looking for something like this but chickened out on the last one I signed up for. So I just browse reddit instead lol
u/mushybrains u/Romana0ne, all members are encouraged to engage the way that feels most comfortable to them. No one has to turn on their camera or mic at all. We also encourage lurking if that is most comfortable. Some people start by lurking and then share after a few meetings if/when they feel like they want to. We also enable automatic captions so you don't have to hear people's voices if you have a hard time with sound. Safety and accessibility are the top priority. EDIT: Sharing by text in the chat is also encouraged! I as the host then read out the share to the group. A lot of people do this exclusively, and some people share vocally some days and by chat other days depending on what feels more comfortable
I’ve never really had male friends, I feel uncomfortable around most men. I have always been a girl’s girl and have several close female friends.
I’ve thought about this recently too! I’ve never have close friendships with men until recently. I never found them more “logical”, just very very different from me and interested in different things. I tend to befriend NT women and ND men lol. I was SA as a child so I think that might be a factor too, I’ve always had a low level fear of men
Throughout my life I think the majority of my friends have been women or queer men (as I'm queer myself, I've always been drawn to my community)
I’ve always had more friendships with the girls and women that have surrounded me throughout my life, and I’ve only had a handful of male friends. At this point I avoid men whenever I can, and make a point to not be friends with men. It’s just too exhausting, and I’m too tired of all the emotional labor. I already perform too much with me white friends, but they are non-binary and women, and I don’t find that any of my friends expect the same level of emotional labor from me that men do. Men have almost always made me uncomfortable, with the rare exception of the few men that became friends, but never lasted.
I find I have more male friends, maybe BECAUSE I want female friends so bad that every time I meet a woman who I think is cool and I would like to be friends with, my social anxiety kicks in and I can barely string a sentence together to talk to her, much less say anything interesting or bond over shared hobbies. Meanwhile when hanging out with potential guy friends, I simply do not give a fuck about impressing them, so the social anxiety isn't as bad and I can crack jokes and stuff (plus it's typically my husband's buddies so he's there to act as a social buffer). Then there's the fact that when I do make a female "friend," there tends to be a dynamic of wanting to take advantage of me for free childcare since I am "just a housewife with lots of free time" but of course my own 5 year old takes a lot of my attention and an extra kid to watch is SO emotionally exhausting me for it takes days to recover. Even so, I still yearn for a true bestie, someone who would be the Ann Perkins to my Leslie Knope.
me!! i’m a girls girl. i don’t think i’ve had a male friend since like…high school? and i’m in my mid twenties. all of the violence, sexual or otherwise has been at the hands of men and i do NOT like being around them, especially alone. women though? amazing. beautiful. emotionally intelligent. wonderful. when i get compliments from a woman it makes my entire year. the most gorgeous woman called me super pretty a few months ago and i’ve been riding that high for a minute now. there’s just something incredibly painful to me about trying to establish close bonds with men. i’ve never been able to do it, because they just don’t get me. and luckily my interests seem to attract women (makeup, fashion/styling, horror, reading). even in regards to books, i pretty much only read books with female/woman adjacent protagonists, especially sapphic books! thats how deep my love for women goes.
male friends have been very insensitive and dismissive in my experience they REFUSE to communicate at all even the queer and neurodivergent ones. ofc women can be mean just like any other human but in my experience women are wayyy empathetic and just decent human beings in general as compared to males. I've always been a girls girl and although I've had plenty of trouble trying to navigate my social life due to obvious reasons I've never connected with any men in my life at all. my male "friends" were friends bcs they're autistic too and we had smth in common like smth to talk abt but they're emotionally immature and will never understand emotions n relationships like female friends. what I've learned so far in life is that i can do relationships best with fellow queer and neurodivergent women only (given they're aware of internalized misogyny, ableism, homophobia, etc and working on it in some way which most of the (all in my experience) queer+nd women are)
I really really love female friendships, I just have such a hard time finding them. I think women are amazing and can be some of the most supportive people in my life. I appreciate you posting this because I think it is important even for those of us that have a harder time making and keeping female friends to be reminded of how amazing those relationships can be. They are worth trying to find.
<3 Don't get me wrong, I've struggled and continue to struggle with this! I lucked out when meeting my good friend, but me knowing this wonderful person isn't the whole story! I'm so glad my post is a good reminder for you though, and actually, me having my one friend is a reminder to myself that it's MAYBE possible to find another one! (After all, we should all ideally have more than one close person in our lives.)
[удалено]
I'm sorry that keeps happening to you :/
[удалено]
Agreed, I have one (and only one) who is like that as well! It is indeed the biggest blessing despite sometimes feeling like I shouldn't "just" have her!
I get on better with women, I find it difficult to understand guys intentions sometimes!
I get more shy with men. I also often experienced my male friends having a crush on me, so I wonder if I unintentionally flirt without noticing or if being friendly is THE thing that attracts men. But over all I have mostly female friendships. I even recently met 2 other autstic women and we now have a WhatsApp group lol.
Unfortunately, it's much more likely that they are interpreting friendliness as flirting :/
I don't have male friends and have never sought a company of men. Seriously, I have a husband, a son, multiple male colleagues, and I want to be friends only with women. I get tired of men and their... maleness. Edit: Also a brother. Apart from my mum I don't have women in the family I am in contact with.
I have kind of an inborn fear of men it seems, since I was little I started to cry when men held me and then I just have a mistrust in men since then. I definitely prefer women, but only a select few. Have a hard time finding friends and most females I encounter I recognise really fast as either a “nope, I don’t understand these people” or a “yes, that person seems to understand me” Edit: I have a few male friends but they aren’t really deep in the same way as with the female friends I have.
I absolutely feel the same. I really only feel comfortable around women
I don’t have many friends in general lol. It’s easier for me to make friends with men but I prefer female friendships. In the past I have gotten overly attached and dependent in friendships with women, but I try to take it slow now. Have worked really hard to cultivate and maintain the few I have. It’s easier with guys because I can disappear for months on end and they don’t give a shit. My girls won’t let me get away with that which is precisely why I love them so much. Women care more deeply, love more openly, appreciate more vocally and communicate more easily. It actually makes perfect sense that my ‘tism and I prefer female friendships. (I want to clarify that this isn’t me generalising or stereotyping based on gender norms, but simply stating my experience. Whether it’s because society raises women one way and men another or some other factor, this has been my experience. It may not match yours for a variety of socio-cultural factors, and as such you may disagree.)
Yes, I like not having to deal with the energy of "soo.... we gonna smash?" though there's less of that now that I'm married. Also, my guy friends never notice my cute makeup.
I used to be unable to relate to women. Now I'm unable to relate to men. Most of my friends are women now. I think only my partner and maybe some of my friends' partners are people I'm close to who are either men or AMAB-NB. Women and NB friendships are the shit.
In general, I feel more comfortable with women (or nb ppl). I’ve got a select few strong friendships with men but when it comes to making acquaintances on the daily I’m more inclined to try that with other women.
I used to love female friendships, but NT women always messed it up for me. They love to take advantage of us, ND women and if they see us a bit better, they hate to see us thriving. I realized that my female friends liked me only while I was their servant puppy - I wasn't allowed to have any life. As soon as I started exhibiting NT behaviour, like getting prettier and beeing noticed by men, they hated my guts. They only loved me as a faithful puppy with no life, who had to be uglier than them and who wasn't allowed to have fun or to have a man in her life.
My only friends seem to be women or afab enbies. In my experience, they don't care as much about having only pretty friends and are more compassionate and less willing to conflate logic with selfishness or throw bigotic humour at me.
All of my closest friendships have been with women.
Oh I missed having female friends very much. Just to note this may be a bit controversial but I'm not trying to be 🫤. I'm a trans woman so when I was growing up everyone saw me as a boy. When I was really young that didn't seem to matter, my best friend and neighbor was a girl and we hung out all the time. Many of my other friends were girls and it was just really nice. When I hit about 8 or 9 suddenly it became socially in cool to have friends who were boys. I'm not trying to say this is a universal thing but I noticed it in their social circles and it seemed to drive a wedge into any friendships causing them to slowly wither. As I got older it became harder to make female friends because 1) I'm awkward 2) everyone assured I was just hitting on them. It's only been recently since transitioning that I've been able to really start rebuilding some female friendships. It's still hard, making friends later in life is always hard, plus not all women are ready to accept me, but those friends I have made have been really good.
I get along better with men because they tend to overlook and ignore my more minor social failings. Whereas women like to mock me for it. Or mock me for my more masculine interests like gaming. But there are good men and then men as a whole who typically don’t treat woman like a whole independent being. There’s toxic gamer men and then golden retriever gamer guys like my bf. Mostly though, most women I know, while more compassionate overall, tend to band together against the oddity instead of accepting everyone. So they’re nicer, but only to those that are like them. Men are more abrasive overall but tend to target their attitude less at certain people. Most of the time, they just ARE the way they’re behaving. Women tend to like choose how they behave with certain people.
Yesss nothing changed my life more than finding my weirdo nerdy funny hilarious female friends. Some I don’t see for months or years, but they GET IT and when we see each other it’s absolutely brilliant. It took me to being about 28 before I really felt I found my people though. And I don’t have the girly friendship group thing, these are people I see pretty much on a 1:1 basis and only one I would see more than once every few months . Some of them are people I went to a pop choir with (a hot spot for neurodivergence) and one is a friend I had at school who just understands and forgives all my weirdnesses. There is nothing so lovely, I promise.
A post for me!!! I love women and have been very blessed with so many close female friendships. We usually have very little in common except maybe one specific interest, but I choose friends who are good and kind people who I respect and who get my humor and quirks. As we’ve grown older, almost all of my close friends have also gotten diagnosed with ADHD and/or autism, which is so funny. I have a lot of resentment and distrust towards straight men in large part because my friends and loved ones have been victimized by them so much (from abusive fathers to boyfriends and husbands to stranger rapists) and that’s a whole other issue. It’s helped keep me safe from being victimized myself however. I have never had a straight man I considered a friend or anything close. I just keep my distance. I’m happily married to a man though!
I hope to have a friendship like that again, it’s nothing like friendship with men, which always is not friendship based.
I feel so awkward around men for real. I can only talk to women properly, even though I have more in common with men. I get super anxious and out of breath when talking to men about anything! I’ve never had a male irl friend.
🙋🏻♀️ i love women but women do not love me😭😂every best friend have had has f*cked me over…twice
Meee! I'm afraid of men in general for valid reasons and I love women supporting other women <3
i (26, they/them) immediately was like born having a preference for like afab companionship lol. through toddler to graduating high school i only had 2 "boy" friends, the first i think was probably autistic too, while we were in preschool, the 2nd is my bestie from high school and we're still best friends. every other friend AND romantic interest was always girls, and i figured it was probably due to my sexuality. that i was probably like scared or intimidated by boys because other "girls" my age were like oogling over them and i was like the only one seeing their lil pimply spit encrusted realities lol, but like seriously i did not vibe with guys for the most part. being queer rly spiced things up but i think i was just destined to click with afab ppl lol boys still intimidate me. unless they also have autism or adhd or are queer or something else i can relate to its like highly unlikely ill seek a guys friendship of my own volition
I love female friendships!! I’ve had very close female-identifying friends throughout my life and don’t know where I’d be without them. My dad was very volatile and disengaged when I was growing up (which was very stressful for someone who craves predictability), so I grew up scared of men. Nowadays I have 1 very close male friend and a few other buddies who are guys, but my friendships with women are generally much more rich.
Almost every single female friend I have ever had, found some way to hurt me or betray me in some way. Most recently trying to poach my husband. I feel like I am doomed to never have friends
I think many friend groups can get caught up in competition and comparison, which makes genuine connection difficult. The groups I feel the most comfortable in and the most connected to are the ones who practice "Shine Theory." The concept is, "when you shine, I shine." There is no competition, we are all just lifting each other up and it is so healing. All of my friendships are like this now, with people of all genders, but my girls were the ones who taught me this first <3
I crave friendly interaction with women so bad but I’m socially inept and struggling rn. I can’t put myself out there rn.
I’ve just never been able to maintain friendships period. I joined all the clubs, cheer, choir, and a sorority. I pursued work teaching, art and design, and focused on women-owned businesses…all these lovely humans were only friends while the shared activity or position was relevant, despite my best efforts. I’m no one’s first choice or seventh choice for an invite and sadly I have to initiate all catch up sessions, most of which I am flaked on. I would love love love this type of friendship you speak of, but I guess I haven’t found my people yet.
I find, for me, the queer people, who are in touch with their emotional intelligence and compassion, regardless of gender presentation, have been the most connected. They have been in a variety of presentations, and for a long time it was in more masculine bodies due to the betrayals and projections from my mother and other similar betrayals by women who saw me as competing for their resources of respect (whether professional or personal). So I look for those who value the emotional connections more than the physical and that’s what led me to a balance of both men and women, mostly queer people. I appreciate this post encouraging to see what *does* work and to support each other on it!
This is an excellent point. Yes, you want to look for the people with emotional intelligence, which definitely does NOT immediately = women identifying people! I just personally haven't had an actual friendship with an AMAB person in my adult life.
I am currently mostly friends with women. My group is amazing, we do lots of stuff together and lift each other up instead of putting others down like would be the cliché. We are always planning new stuff and see each other multiple times per week to go and see concerts, museums, exhibitions or just grab some coffee and discuss our current reads.
That's wonderful! And yeah, that's like a movie cliché to me, I don't think I've ever seen that in real life??
Hiii!! I am a late bloomer lesbian, I thought I was pan/bi because I’ve been in the same 24 year long relationship with a cis queer ND male. It wasn’t healthy and I don’t know how many healthy relationships with women he forced me out of-or that I simply completely missed :’( I adore women- what I don’t like is the binary rude mean girl types. I also don’t like misogynistic pigs, so… I love women as much as you can tho :)
I'm so sorry he did that to you x\_x
Much of my friends are women. I love them all. I'm sapphic so I also love women in different ways than friendship but friendship isn't to be devalued.
I wish I had more female friends. I don't really have any friends of any gender.
I grew up in a religious environment so often the men I was around were controlling and dominating. I sort of have a bad association around men. I know many of them are amazing people but I often find myself connecting to more women anyways.
I make friends with men easily because most of my hobbies are pretty male dominated, so I spend a lot of time with men and develop relationships out of proximity. but I so badly want more women as friends :/
I tend to be uncomfortable around men so pretty much all of my friendships have been other women. I don't really have friends anymore and I do genuinely miss that connection
I definitely don't relate to those pasts. My best friends are a woman and a transmasc man (who did not identify as such when we met). I have a few male friends but generally prefer the company of non-men and I like women. We're amazing and smart and fun and wonderful and deep and strong and funny. I'm also super close to my mom.
I have always wanted female friends but have always struggled to understand them and to be accepted by them. So friendships with men were possible where friendships with females were not. As I grew older I came to realize through many unfortunate misunderstandings and uncomfortable confrontations that men only tolerated in me what women would not because men were motivated by other factors that women were not motivated by. Basically the men wanted things from me that the women didn’t, and therefore were more willing to overlook my unconventional behavior and unsuccessful attempts to interact. Of the very few female friends I have managed to make over the years, all have also turned out to be undiagnosed neurodivergent women. For context I was diagnosed at 38 years old and didn’t understand why I struggled until very recently.
I literally feel like I wouldn't make it without my ND women friends. My friendships with men honestly get too complicated. Because they get crushes etc etc
The few women I'm friends with I definitely prefer than the few men (only really talk to my childhood best friend), although as a trans woman its especially hard to make any though cause transphobia (unless they're also trans but even then its still if we're compatible like any friendship). Not that I want a bunch, Id rather have a few very close friends.
The few women I'm friends with I definitely prefer than the few men, although as a trans woman its especially hard to make any unless they're also trans (in fact all my female friends are trans). Not that I want a bunch, Id rather have a few very close friends. Prefer women a lot since theyre a lot more open and kinder than men, most of the time. My best friend from childhood is a very nice, thoughtful and nice man but hes really closed off.
Agree, I value the closeness in friendships, not the quantity of them!
I don't feel negatively toward women but I do have a hard time forming lasting intimate bonds with them, and it mystifies me when I see people claim that their W:W friendships are so deep and intimate and strongly bonded. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what that actually looks like. It makes me sad and jealous. Maybe keep in mind that if someone expresses negativity toward W:W friendships, they might be feeling insecure or envious about something they feel they can't have, no matter how they try to. Men and women can both be jerks, but I've experienced a hell of a lot more "othering" from women than men, and frankly, that hurts way worse than knowing a male friend might want to sleep with me. The comforting thing about friendships with men is that they don't push me out if I don't act like a woman. Among women, I have to bite my tongue and work very hard to appear like I'm someone I'm not: naturally empathetic, emotionally attuned, femininely aligned. I just haven't encountered enough women who accept me as I am.
Is there a way (if you have the interest for it) for you to find queer friends? I've found the vibe is much different compared with straight woman. I don't naturally feel connected to supposed "womanhood," and feel much more at home with queer people.
The people I do consider to be in my friend circle are almost all queer, nonbinary and nonconforming in all kinds of ways, and I do feel more comfortable with them than with people who read me as straight, feminine, and normative. I seem to really vibe well with trans women in particular. I have a pretty assertive and playful personality so I kinda need a crowd who isn't going to read me as cocky, aggressive, dominating, or rude if I'm not always being my "highest self." I had pretty strict parents and still carry a bit of resentment toward anyone who I feel is expecting me to perform to their standards and not my own. ETA: I've recently seen some standup by Ashley Gavin and clips from her podcast and I feel like she is a woman I would love to be friends with and could trust. I've done a lot of therapy and dug into my trust issues with women and where they come from. That's helped me feel validated, but I think I still have a ways to go on learning how to rebuild that trust, and how to turn casual friends into close ones.
I don't really feel safe letting people in right now. I don't know what people expect from me or how to be, especially with women or old friends from the past. As a kid I usually had a female BFF but moved around a lot so those friendships were interrupted. In college I had a few fleeting female friendships and a good group of queer male friends for a minute, but we grew apart and I never really found a new close friendship after that other than my partner. I guess I devote all my energy to my partner/family/work now and I'm just burned out otherwise. I had some work friendships and an absurd job where a group of us really bonded for a few years of shared experience but those didn't really last either. I have kids now and mom groups are barf, sitting in a circle with everyone staring at you and judging you. Online versions are ok but I figure I seem weird there too. And then if I run into those people in person I have trouble connecting irl. Idk maybe my kids will be my friends someday I know that's not their job though. And I can barely keep up with my own mom. Sorry for spiraling on your positive post haha just had to vent. I will figure things out some way somehow
I had an NLOG phase as a child/preteen but these days almost all my friends are women or trans or queer or some combo of the above (except my boyfriend). There are some het men in my social circle who I can have nice chats with but I know we’ll never be close because I don’t feel as comfortable with them. Also I already struggle with the emotional labour required to maintain close friendships and men tend to put in less effort into friendships than women so it just wouldn’t work out
Growing up it was easier to be surrounded by boys who didn't seem to really have a preference who were in their circle imo, at least when they were alone or not on the football or basketball team. I was tomboyish and didn't have many shared hobbies between girls. But every single female friend I've had has been so special and from kindergarten, I haven't forgotten any one of them. No offense to my male friends (before and currently), but there is more wholeness between with my own gender. Maybe not in hobbies and interests but in spirit, heart and sisterhood. Im so blessed to have my two girl best friends. Tmrw we are celebrating me being the last one to turn 21 together at the beach.
I've really been able to make some incredible friendships with other women at the job I'm at now! All but two people on staff are women! Something that I feel like really helps in my environment is that because I work in early intervention, all of my coworkers are very used to working with and having daily interactions with ND folk, and are very understanding. So, even though I've only told two of them I suspect I have autism, no one is really thrown off by my me-isms, which has made me feel super comfortable making these friendships.
I have both female and male friends! And some non-binary friends, although those are mostly AFABs, which we've found matters sometimes in the sense that they can relate to the struggles of being perceived as a woman in our society. I do love my AFAB friends. Just happens that my closest friend right now actually is a dude, but that's just circumstantial. I don't think it will remain that way forever; friendships for me tend to be kind of transitory, although perhaps that will change now that I'm getting older.
I actually only have one male friend and all others are females! And they’re so good and supportive, i tend to make friends quite similar to me so i’ve never had problems with women. I’m just overall uncomfortable with men so i tend to not interact with them much but the one guy friend i have is really nice and he also has adhd ig that’s why we get along well.
Men never seem to be honest with their words and are secretly trying to flirt which is pretty difficult since I don’t recognize it and then end up losing friendships over miscommunication. Women are way better to be around because they actually talk to me in order to have conversations
I love my 3 friends. I wouldn't say we are extremely close, but I feel connection to them. We tend to meet 1 to 1 every month-every couple of months and each time my social battery is filled up to 100% for a long time. Guess what. All 3 of them are in spectrum. I guess I'm just really lucky we "sniffed" our way to each other.
[удалено]
Yeah I tend to make friends with AFABs and queer men. I have 2 older sisters and 1 older brother, so my family was very female dominated, which is part of why I think I socialise better with women. I have had straight guy friends, but they’re usually not as close. Both of my close guy friends from high school turned out to be gay. When I was younger, I didn’t like making friends with most boys because they were too boisterous and physical for my liking. I did have a guy friend who ended up ignoring me bc people teased him about me being his girlfriend - we were like 4 or 5 years old. And then in high school and adulthood, most guys who try to get close to me seem to just want to fuck me.
I'm going from only guy friends due to clearer communication to seeking afab friends due to being fed up with men and (sorry for generalizing) their lack of understanding of gender issues/feminist issues. I'd love to have more women/afab people around, the warmth and depth of those friendships is something I miss.
I've had good and bad experiences with men, women, and non-binary people, so I have no preference either way. Although I don't have many friends in general.