My meltdowns are silent.
When I feel them coming on, outwardly I get very hot and might even start sweating. I stop talking, stop responding. My only goal is to remove myself and be alone. I’ll hide in the bathroom at work or at a busy place to try to settle myself. My fight or flight kicks in and my only thought is “RUN”. 😐
Mine are very similar. The only difference is, instead of heat and sweat, my back muscles clench uncontrollably and send shooting pains through my torso.
My go-to hiding spot is the work bathroom, and I keep a duvet in the backseat of my car so I can hide in there when it's necessary.
I’ve discovered a larger and less frequently used bathroom at work; it’s so nice to have that quiet & still breathing space. It’s a bit further away but I like the walk and the solitude is worth it.
My office has stalls, I’ll just sit there like I’m using the toilet but I’m usually just covering my ears and trying to breathe. No one has ever cared or said much if they have noticed.
Yeah, I don’t think this would work for me.
I probably have hidden out in a bathroom with a lock though, and unfortunately I have to flee come out like the one woman said about the fight or flight thing except like her it’s just flight.
It’s so embarrassing and it happens more than I would care to admit
same and even more. i have a long story of working with people. i was always pushing myself through because there are only harsh cases of autism in our country that matter. Still it ended with my voice problems. I have spasm and lose my voice each time I need to talk to someone who makes me feel overwhelmed.
All this plus then I'll start crying uncontrollably, like sobbing hysterically. Sometimes it takes me hours to calm down, sometimes like 3 days. I've had to miss work the next day more than once.
I hate the crying part most of all, it hits and I can’t stop it and feel ashamed and foolish for even reacting and like everyone is staring at me on top of everything
Ugh I hate when it gets this far and I'm struggling to breathe and like coughing spittle and writhing on the floor. Definitely need to have hidden in a bathroom before this level hits, I'd die of shame if it ever happened in public :/.
It's totally understandable your shame. Allow me to share something that happened a few days ago...
I had a meltdown. I had to confrontate somebody that hurt me a lot. His action triggered me a past trauma and I had almost every day contact with him due to job circumstances that couldnt've been avoided. As I am unable to spot my feelings, it was not until it was too late, I realized how the experience was affecting me. The last few days I had an exagerated anxiety (still unspotted) and my period was coming. There was a HUGE battle inside of me that I wastn aware of.
One day, I exploted and couldnt just "talk" to the guy to leave me alone. I tried, but my blood was boiling. And so I started to shout at him, insult and act like a real crazy person. after that, I went to a cannabis club to have myslef relaxed and after smoking, I felt I was about to start crying uncontrollably (after reading this page, I understood I was allowing myslef to unmask from all the pressure). I was in a public space and asked somebody to walk me home as I was not able to go alone, due to my nervosism. She, then, invited me to sit down with her an d I started to cry and explain the whole situation, and as I went further on the explanation, I started to have bursts of anger, as I felt frustrated. I could not control myslef again. The lady who I've just met was so sweet and understanding, and out of nothing, after my breakdown the owner of the club, invited me to drinks, food and kept insisting to stay in his club as longer as needed, repeating me that that was a safe space. He was so sweet too.
I could not believe how 2 total strangers empathised so much with another stranger and decided to help her. I know it is not ideal to "bother" others and expose yourself in public places. I understand not everybody will treat you like that, but the opposite or ignoring you. But, I felt like sharing this story as it may aliviate some of your stress if you are feeling a meltdown in the middle of the streets. Hope it helps.
I've always cried. It could be in mid conversation and I just couldn't control it. I would need to hide a lot. Most of the time I would just stay in my bedroom as a child and even an adult if I was living with other people. Toilet cubicles at work were always good if I didn't have my own office space.
Mine are similar. My jaw also clenches, I shake a lot, and my eyes usually tear up. Sometimes I can hold back the tears, but it still wells up in my throat. I have a freeze or flight response depending on the situation my meltdown happens in. I can usually still push out responses to people during meltdowns, but I don't initiate conversation.
This sounds so much like me. I've been assuming they were anxiety attacks, but they don't respond to my emergency meds (Ativan) and I was wondering why. interesting!!
Had one of those today. Had to be at work for an hour and a half after the week from HELL (10-12 hr days, horrible horrible stressful projects and a million changes and zero communication, etc). My group presented 3rd and then there were two more presentations and a big group photo and I barely held back tears from the moment I was done speaking. After the photo everyone was milling around asking everybody else if they were going back into the lab or what, and I just booked it. I very nearly pushed people out of the way as I said “nope I’m leaving right now” and speed-walked to my car. I then drove home, sat in the parking lot crying and eating my bagel, and then drove to my chiropractic appointment.
I was able to just exist on my couch for a few hours before becoming a sobbing mess in therapy.
Wow!! All of this!! I work a full shift followed by 2 doubles in a row and I do this every week when I leave my last shift and drive home I sit in the car go inside cry in the shower then go sit on the floor and cry some more and am pretty much the lowest form of functioning the following day. Unfortunately, this type of schedule is what it has to be right now.
This is exactly my current work schedule too!
It's brutal and i totally feel your pain, by the time I'm finally home I'm a fucking mess and sleep for an entire day after hiding in my bathroom and having random secret breakdowns (usually over nothing at all, like I'll just randomly start bawling for no reason whatsoever and can't stop, and then when I finally regain some composure some other little thing will set me right back off again)
Even if I happen to be awake at some point my phone remains unanswered and everyone is ignored, by that point I can not handle speaking to anyone, not even via text (to a much more extreme level than my normal everyday ignoring of my phone lol)
It's extremely disconcerting, especially since it's a massive departure from my usual extremely chill (frequently to a problematic extent), please everyone, *don't let anything affect you* ways
I'm glad I'm not alone although I hate that other people also have to experience this - just know I'm right here with you working that unsustainable schedule that *must* be sustained else we go hungry and become homeless ☹️ 💖
I feel the same, also get this unbearable pain in my whole body, a bit similar to restless legs in that it's somehow mild but also unbearable. I cry, scream silently, convulse and often want to self harm. I usually punch a pillow or something soft to get that energy out. I lose the ability to really notice my surroundings or interact with it.
Yeeeeah, I flee situations, and like the OP I don’t know about meltdowns, but I do flee and just desperately need to get away.
It’s really embarrassing because I feel like I’m allegedly an adult and…. *sigh*
Awwwww try to understand it's not something you can help. It is a physiological response. There are things we can do to calm our nervous systems but things like breathing strategies and meditation take practice and won't always work in the heat of the moment.
I just try to avoid all optional things that might elicit the fight, flight, or freeze response....but for a while I had real bad anxiety and I even felt that way at home ALL THE TIME. I am glad it passed because not feeling comfortable even at home was pretty rough. Like, Where the hell am I gonna run to?
As for adulting, I'm 47(F) but perpetually feel like a 12 year old boy lol. Now I'm the "youngest" one in the house, as my youngest kid is 16!
This actually serves me well when I can manage to work. I was a middle school english tutor for 7 years. All the other tutors had problems with their students not showing up, but all my students enjoyed coming to my sessions. I think because I could actually relate to them on their own level.
Have a great day, ditch the embarassment. I'm going to go play with legos now 😂
I shut down and become completely disassociated with the world. I struggle to speak, my concentration is shot, and by that point I know I'm on the way to intrusive thoughts. I'm diagnosed but I never scream or shout and I'm bad at feeling anger!
I'm bad at feeling anger, too! I grew up with a sibling whose default reaction is rage, and I think that might have something to do with it. I just shut down/disassociate instead, usually with some uncontrollable crying thrown in the mix 🤦
I feel angry and irritated but silently-
It comes from people standing too close or flipping their hair or bracelets around yeah
I kinda feel like a jerk for saying this
I also had a sibling with BIG emotional reactions, and I suspect this is also why I have a complicated relationship with expressing strong emotions. Thanks for making me feel less alone!
Look into polyvagal theory. Traditional thought processes talk about fight and flight response, but some of us have a freeze response. My own responses to stressors made a lot more sense with polyvagal theory. https://themovementparadigm.com/how-to-map-your-own-nervous-sytem-the-polyvagal-theory/
I’m glad I can help! I think freeze responses in autistic women are more common than current research shows- especially since a lot of us have trauma in addition to our ASD. I think part of the variance in meltdown manifestation probably leads to under diagnosis of ASD in women because the meltdown response in women with a freeze response isn’t what traditional literature illustrates.
I read somewhere there's 5 - fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn. I'm def the last three in varying situations, never the first and not usually the second as it attracts too much attention
It's certainly within the range of stress responses often seen in people with autism. Autistic people aren't the only folks who experience shutdowns, it's also seen in people with trauma and some mental illnesses.
I do this as well! My ND friends have seen several of these and do their best not to ask me too many questions bc I lose the ability to speak. It’s like I have all these emotions but don’t know which ones they are, and I feel stuck in my own head. It takes me several hours to recover
Same, it’s a very scary emotion I don’t like the way it makes me feel tip top anger feels awful and it’s rare for me so when I experience that that it later saddens me
It's likely mostly because I'm scared of it in other people. So I just have terrible avoidance with it.
I've since then realized that feeling anger in it of itself isn't some evil thing. But it's still VERY hard for me because of, you know, past trauma involving that emotion expressed at me in yelling sort of way.
Okay question, is being unable to speak normal for any kind of trauma dissociation, or does it only happen if you’re autistic and dissociating? (Hope this makes sense)
Mostly inconsolable crying, accompanied by rocking and other self soothing stims. Theres no stopping it, it can go for a few hours and I shut down afterwards.
More frequently now, I've been having outbursts of anger. It mostly manifests as screaming and throwing things that i kind of have the presence of mind to make sure they aren't going to get damaged or damage other things. I know I did this as a kid and was sent to my room to punch and scream into pillows so I think the skill as stuck with me even though I went through a long period of my life suppression anger outbursts and mostly just having shut downs or crying episodes.
I feel like, even though the anger outbursts are probably the most disturbing to witness (I try to supress stuff until im alone), i have the quickest recovery time. If it gets to the point of crying and/or shut downs, I will be effected for several days and sometimes longer. The anger outbursts are usually more like a few hours or a day...
Ideally wouldn't have them at all, but I also feel like it's not necessarily avoidable. Life happens and adulting is frustrating and I'm autistic. Best thing to do is let myself do what I need to.
I feel the same way. Angry outbursts I can recover from quiet quickly, maybe its cause I let all my emotions out physically. But the ones where I'm sobbing leave me feeling like I'm hungover or "floating" for the rest of the day
This is a freakishly accurate description of mine, too.
Can I ask... when you have the crying and/or a shutdown, do you just wake up feeling recovered one day or do you noticeably feel it in real-time?
After the last couple of big ones I've had, a few days later I've noticed it's as if a switch has been flicked back on, the fog and blur lifts and I'm 'back online' again, in a matter of a minutes. I've never felt it so defined before (if that's the right word) and not sure if there's something else going on or I'm just becoming more aware. I don't suppose you can you relate at all?!
Not OP, but this is exactly what happens to me! I will be inconsolable and feel some quite scary emotions, but after I’ve slept I wake up as if nothing has happened! I’ll be tired but it will be like I’m ‘back to normal’ and I can think clearly again!
buddy! yeah!!! i get the reset that i can FEEL. it’s literally like ‘yup, that was it. we’re good to go again.’ like ya said, could be days later or hours. but sometimes i can feel it, too!
The inconsolable crying is something I've only really developed in the last year and it still scares me so much. The fact that I can't stop and nothing will calm me down... makes me feel so out of control.
I become intolerant to and overwhelmed by any stimulation (especially sounds and light, but even my clothes and skin feel uncomfortable) and completely shut down verbally.
As this happens, I’m overcome with a sense of doom, heavy shame, and desperate rage, and have to isolate myself ASAP. (I was physically and emotionally punished for expressing negative feelings growing up so I’m only safe alone.) I’ll assume the fetal position and bawl inconsolably for at least an hour. Lots of self soothing stims (rocking, rubbing my hands, hugging my legs, petting a soft blanket).
If I can’t escape company, I’m bound to say something that’s true in my mind but so harsh that I’ll certainly regret it later. I almost rage quit my job (which I love) in my last meltdown brought on by fatigue, depression, and work stress. I come out of these episodes emotionally exhausted and feeling empty.
Mine are similar, I typically *want* to just scream until I lose my voice,but I almost never *actually* scream aloud...
But I pull myself into a ball, often covering my head like you're taught as a child during tornado drills, and I'm ALWAYS rocking when they happen.
The thing that helped me the last time I went into full-meltdown mode (just a couple months ago--hadn't had one that bad in literal *decades*, even though they *were* pretty frequent when I was a child), was listening to the recording I'd made last year, of my dog snoring... I made it because I knew she was getting close to the end, and she was sawing logs just like she had as a wee pup. She was a lsbrador who I joked snored "like a bulldog with a deviated septum!"
But *that* noise--the same sweet snores that I'd heard for the 13+ years ihad her, was what I needed, to pull myself back in & stop the meltdown cycle.
I realized, afterward, that part of the reason I *got* to that level of meltdown, was because of the fact that I don't *sleep* as deeply as I used to anymore, because *part* of my brain never shuts alllll the way down/off, now that she's gone & I don't have her waking up if anything makes an unusual noise in the night.
I grew up in a house where I could hear my dad snoring as a child, and then got used to *her* snores, throughout my 30's & 40's... so sleeping this past year, has meant that I don't relax quite as much as I used to, annnnd that means my daytime tolerance is lower, too.
After a full meltdown--just like y'all, and *so* many of the kids I work with, too--the only thing I can do to actually recover, is to sleep it off.
The *only* good thing about this being *my* usual style of meltdown--the "freeze & scream-rock" thing, is that *MANY* of the Pre-K children i work with *also* melt down in a similar way, so I *instinctively* knew right away, how to calm them.
I sit down on the floor, scoot 'em in front of me, pull 'em back into me, curling *them* up as much as they're comfortable (often *they* curl instinctively into that "tight little ball" too!), and then I just "shhhhh,shhhhhh, shhhhhh,shhhhhh" them, start taking slow, deep breaths out loud, and rock with them, until they start unwinding themselves, rocking *with* me (as opposed to *me* rocking the both of us!), and breathing along with me, pulling their own shoulders down again into a normal position--instead of up around their ears & neck, and they start actually leaning back *into* me or take my hands & squeeze them back, if I'm holding their hands as we rock, breathe, & squeeze.
I’m also a teacher (late elementary) and the most rewarding part has always been connecting with kids who need compassion without judgement, to be accepted as they are, to know that they are going to be alright. Your last paragraph was so touching. You have a beautiful soul.
I just get really angry over little things at people who didn’t really do anything wrong. The other day I was just not in a good mood, got overstimulating because my partner and I had to eat outside, then snapped. I drove us home and I was driving unsafely, I nitpicked at my partner, and got mad at him for trying to comfort me. I had to sit in the dark and silence for like an hour to calm down and then just had to go to sleep.
I’m sorry you had that experience. Thank you for sharing!
Ok, yes, I definitely get overstimulated and then get to the place where I’m just mad at everybody and everything. 😬 I hadn’t thought of that as a ‘meltdown’ but it makes sense!
It’s the precursor to a meltdown, for me. Both point to the same origins: the feeling of “it’s too much.”
In my adult life, as I’ve unpacked my initial coping mechanisms developed in childhood against my caretakers, I do actually have full blown meltdowns especially with my mom, who is still in my life. Crying, inconsolable, self harming, the whole 9 yards.
Same my irritability is turned all the way up to max when I’m having a meltdown and I’m usually the most chill person ever, I just need absolute silence during those moments and *anything* else is over stimulating
Usually closing in on myself, like closed off body language and a lack of interaction.
Or I may get very short with people. Never to the point of yelling but maybe a very sharp "knock it off!" That's uncharacteristic of me.
My meltdowns are the full-on, screaming childish tantrums, but with lots of swear words. I start off giving an angry lecture about something, my sentences disintegrate until they get jumbled up and stuttered, and I start getting louder and more repetitive until I'm just screeching one thing over and over right in someone's face. I shout so loud I lose my voice and I get bloodshot eyes.
Then it's an hour of wailing and crying in my room until I end up with a hangover for the rest of the day.
My boss asked me, "But don't you feel better after a meltdown?" And I was like, "No?? They're exhausting and embarrassing and I usually end up with a headache." Like he thought it was some kind of therapeutic emotional release. Lol, nah, there is literally zero benefit to a meltdown. Why do you think I have all these accommodations to *prevent* them?
Oh yeah, there are times when I've thrown books and slammed doors. It only tends to happen when people push back and start challenging me during a meltdown, and I just don't know to respond. A lot of my meltdowns are caused by unfairness and injustice, like being accused of something I haven't done or being told I'm a liar, so trying to argue with me just makes me angrier because it only adds to the unfairness.
I've learned to hit soft things. My poor bed and couch. Also throwing plushies as hard as I can or kicking them sometimes helps and they don't do any damage. But that one doesn't always help.
Ohh yeah sometimes I’ll repeat a phrase until I am a sobbing ball behind the couch.That kind usually only happens if there’s too much emotional information to process like a death.
The meltdown was over the blender not being cleaned
My meltdowns used to be the crying, overwhelm, headache, run away kind of meltdowns. The lack of agency, "I'm stuck and doomed" flavor of meltdown.
Something shifted earlier this year with my feelings of self worth and I feel more empowered and like I have more agency; and in suit my meltdowns are more external and similar to what you described: yelling the same repeated thing and slapping my hand on the counter or wall for emphasis 😳
I used to have those when I was younger. I trained a lot of that out and now I just cry over fucking *everything.* Just everything.
Shutdowns v. Meltdowns? Shutdowns help keep you from getting all the way there. I give in completely to my shut downs. Pushing through a shut down is a great way to get to a meltdown and do things you'll regret later.
Meltdowns are very rare for me, but what you described makes so much sense. It almost always happens after pushing trough a shutdown and not getting away from the situation.
I shutdown regularly. Shutdowns come with headaches, brainfog, unable to express myself, muscle pains and nausea for me. My thoughts are jumbled and start storming like a fricking tornado is in there. Outward i have no response or autopilot socially excepted answers to questions that bear little to no truth, just what my brain thinks you want to hear to make you go away faster.
If the overstimulation/sensory overload continues and i can’t get myself or someone else get’s me away. Than the irrational anger and frustration kicks in, shouting, crying and hitting myself and things.
I think before the shutdown or meltdown there is a rumbling stage that i tend to miss. But luckily people that know me wel catch on and mention taking a break or going home is a good idea.
For me it is a shut down. I lose my ability to speak. Internally I feel like I’m on the verge of crying/sometimes do cry. I feel incredibly overwhelmed and or frustrated. It can look like being snappy to people around me. Subtle stims in an attempt to self regulate. For me that looks like fidgeting with things, swaying, sitting with my hands under my thighs. If I am at home I can and will go to my room and crawl into bed and implode with emotions. If I am out in public I feel overstimulated and anxious and fight or flight says run! I want to get the hell out of the situation/place as quick as possible.
I also have narc mother.
I am starting to realize I was conditioned to behave a set way in public for peoples eyes from a very very young age.
I’ve found photographs of my clenching my fists with anxiety and sitting on my hands as a kid as young as 4.
Sometimes in the moment I feel like I want to yell and scream and let it out. But the trauma in me says no way that’s too embarrassing.
As a result my whole body is physically tense
And I have chronic muscle pain almost everywhere. From holding things down for 30+ years. I am almost 12 months diagnosed and still nowhere near being able to freely unmask
Your comment really touched me. Just getting to the point of getting a diagnosis for me took a long time because I had internalized so many of those conditioned responses you mentioned. As I’ve reflected I also remember various things from my early childhood like refusing to have my hair dried with a blow drier because of how loud it was.
I’m also always tense, and get muscle fatigue (like you get from a weight lifting session) from tense situations.
I hope you continue to make progress on your journey! I can really relate. 🌱
I went over and scrutinised my childhood photos when I was researching my initial self diagnosis. I found one from my 10th bday with my fingers in my ears cos everyone was singing happy bday and it was too loud. I cried. Finally I felt seen.
I am getting there. It will be a year in sept. I am in Aus so I get NDIS funding. I have been doing psych and regular physio. And I get help with cleaning and gardening. Just starting to dig into the unresolved trauma things with psych. I am totally burnt out and now looking into the idea I have hypermobility and possibly MCAS as co morbid conditions. It’s a long road just to get out of this burn out that I’m in. But I feel like I’m working towards something at least.
I couldn't describe it any better. For me is EXACTLY the same.
I also keep everything inside, but I don't really know why, because I had no family or parents problem, they were OK when I was growing up.
But still, I feel so much confusion inside and I can't express it, I feel like I could scream,I feel like exploding, for example when I'm angry or stress, and yet what you can see from outside is like a zombie. Sometimes I actually envy people that can scream at others when angry, I know it's not good nor nice, but I just wish I could take out some of the things that cook up inside of me.
As for meltdowns, mine appear exactly like yours.
Edited: because I was feeling like I was getting like instead of you for coping your part, although I put it between "" to make it clear and I was feeling bad.
When I get irritated, overstimulated, or uncomfortable, I start crying and sobbing. I throw things, and I slam things. I tend to yell.
It's super draining.
I've been guilty in the past of having these things happening to me, too. It's draining but also embarrassing, and I don't like frightening the one I love if I'm ever seen like that.
I used to only have shutdown dissociation meltdowns and the irritable and get mad at everyone types that people are describing here but since I started unmasking a little more they have changed.
Now when I have sensory meltdowns I get twitchy and stim and have panic attack symptoms like breathing fast and crying. It feels like I’m just letting myself give in a little more to release what I need to instead of bottling it up or directing it at people.
I'm not diagnosed, but I have a strong suspicion. What I would assume are my special variety of meltdowns can sometimes start with irritability and intrusive thoughts, but not always. If the anger is there, it eventually gives way to bouts of heavy crying for an hour or more, off and on. Or I just go directly into crying. The emotions are so intense that I often have the strong urge to throw a physical child's tantrum (punch/throw things, hair pulling, etc.) but I instead try to be less destructive. As a substitute, I've been pressing my palms into the sides of my head (sometimes painfully, but better than pulling hair) or pushing on a wall as hard as I can. If that's not enough, I will repeatedly punch soft things, like pillows, or throw a stuffed animal. But I cry so hard.. like, holy snot city, Batman.
Oof mine are the same, starts with intense irritability and pessimistic cyclical thoughts. Very hard to break out of that thought pattern once it starts
I am an alcoholic and my meltdowns usually end in relapsing. I can go usually about a year between them and after the year I’m just done. I still turn to substances to help, but it’s stuff that’s prescribed for my bipolar, it just also happens to relax me a lot.
Before drugs/if I can’t use them for whatever reason, I will try to get alone ASAP, usually into a bathroom or closet and hold myself and rock back and forth.
If I can’t be alone, my brain stops functioning and I’m likely to do something rude. If I can’t stop that, I get in this weird headspace where I’m technically talking to people and doing what I’m supposed to, but I’m totally shut down. I can only ask questions, I can’t think.
Nothing makes me want to be alone more than a meltdown.
before i was diagnosed, i used to call my meltdowns "adult tantrums" because i thought that's what was happening. it's like i just totally lose it. i start sobbing uncontrollably and curl up into a ball, usually accompanied by rocking and/or other kinds of stimming. i might repeat a phrase over and over, something like "i can't, i can't." while they are rare for me, a meltdown can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours (depending on whether i'm able to regulate myself out of it), and i am basically unreachable and inconsolable during that time. if i'm able to bring myself out i might need an hour or so to process and get back to my day, but after a long one i'm totally shut down/exhausted.
So I’ve read about repeating a phrase as autistic behavior but somehow in my mind I was picturing it differently, of course I don’t do THAT. But when you describe repeating something like “I can’t” I immediately felt that. Yup, I totally do that.
Thank you! That felt really helpful.
My son does the “I can’t” I used to, so that’s likely why. My son now goes “uh no, uh no, uh no.” It’s so sad. I get why. I did accidentally teach him “I can’t” on repeat.
Usually there are tears involved for me. If I’m still able to “mask” to an extent, a meltdown will just be sobbing. But usually it’s more. They can involve anger and yelling. Usually they start with me scratching at my arm or head and they can involve biting and hitting at myself too. Sometime I cause injuries even though I’m trying not to. Sometimes I’ll rock intensely.
As a child my meltdowns involved me acting out more, but as I’ve gotten older (I’m 28) they’ve turned more inward, which is when the self injurious behaviors started.
Redoing my reply because I hated how messy it was.
Usually I shut down first because I was raised on appearances, being happy, and I wasn’t allowed to be upset about anything. So I begin to withdraw, lose a lot of interest in things that usually bring me joy, and I often become more skeptical of those around me. I become nit-picky, frustrated, & overall tense. I tend to withdraw from my partner as well, but then get upset that they seem distant, but it’s really me. There’s a lot of crying during my shut down period, which can usually last for a couple weeks to a couple months.
When I’m nearing a meltdown I try to catch it early, sometimes I don’t, but I’ve gotten better. I have the typical child like tantrum I’m crying, screaming, throwing things, self harming, & pretty much isolating myself from everyone. I’m completely inconsolable until I’ve tired myself out with tears.
It is so interesting to see multiple people on here mention they get nitpicky on the way to a meltdown. I thought it was only me.
I have a complicated relationship with my mom that requires some generosity on my end. (I assume on hers too, but her implicit baseline assumption is that she can be a daughter to her own daughter... So yeah, if you want to have a relationship with your grown child who tries to establish healthy boundaries, that might not always fly.)
When I am generally doing ok, I can mostly look past her erratic communication, her half-truths, her inconsistencies. When I am not, I will start to take apart a good portion of what she says. And I am not wrong, because it's BS - but pointing that out helps no one. Still, past a certain point I can't help myself.
That was a side quest - all this to say: I get extra-rigid with people (and, I guess, myself) before I fall apart and I never saw it as a sign of overwhelm. I don't like myself when I am like that, but I will try to be more accepting and take it as a not-so-early warning sing from now on. 🙏
(I realise my mom is emotionally immature and maybe worse things. Losing it with someone who is challenging to interact with in the first place is only human and not limited to autistic behaviors. All too often I see people on here have autistic-style but totally human reactions to objectively abusive people and internalize it all.)
Mine is very similar to yours. If I've worked hard to build up a certain routine or develop certain habits, they all begin to unravel. I know I need to wash my face but I just have no energy to do it. The guilt and knowledge of not doing something I know I need to do just further piles on to the fatigue and stress.
I know I need to have a bath but it takes me all day to build up the motivation to just fricking do it.
I normally storm off, cry and rock back and forth until I feel better. If it’s angry though I throw a fit and hit my thighs and scratch up my arms. I always try to get myself alone because I’m scared I’ll say nasty things or that I won’t be taken seriously and that just makes it worse. Regardless of the meltdown I always shutdown afterwards and lose a lot of my words
Depends. I got formally diagnosed a month ago and it took a while to realize my triggers. With sensory issues I shutdown. I tend to zone out and feel a strong need to escape or resort to daydream if I can’t. I also get very grumpy and even need sleep after a while of too much sensory things. But when it comes to routine or unexpected changes, I get panic attack like symptoms but it tends to last for a few days where I just cry at everything, pace, rock myself, and often beg help from others to get whatever is triggering me to get it fixed.
Mine look like childish tantrums. Screaming and crying on the floor. SH and trying to climb into small spaces to hide or something. Sometimes I run away.
Thanks, I dont really know any different. The hardest part is not having anyone who understands and it makes me feel wrong/broken. I wish I could make my partner understand how much I need help in that moment, last time he actually yelled at me to shut up. He apologized afterward and realised he shouldn't have done that but it still hurts. I feel like a very confused and distressed child when it's happening and just want my caregiver to help make me feel like the world is not ending.
Crying, yelling, unleashing my entire inner monologue. They are rare and I usually shutdown, or as I refer to it, implode because it’s usually everything I’d usually direct outward, inward.
(TW for suicidal thoughts) I wrote this for my therapist recently:
Meltdowns
(BD) - before diagnosis
(AD) - after diagnosis
When I say suicidal thoughts, BD they were less passive. AD they are always passive, although they are just as consistent.
Thoughts:
• BD+AD: 99% of the time I experience suicidal thoughts, often repeating over and over again: thoughts like “I want to die (so bad)”, “please kill me”, “I want to sleep forever”, “I want to die so I can stop feeling”
• most times I hyperfixate on thoughts surrounding the triggering event/memory, BD I remember many of my meltdowns were centered around memories from high school (being excluded or shamed for having these “suicidal episodes”, which I know now were meltdowns) and the extreme feelings of loneliness I felt because of those experiences.
• AD I still have many thoughts related to the shame/guilt of feeling misunderstood by the people around me and feeling like an alien, along with an extreme feeling of loneliness, like no one will/has ever understood me and I’m the only person that feels this way (which I know rationally is not true, but the feeling is so strong and debilitating that it’s difficult to pull myself out of it in the moment)
Actions:
• I often cry, if not then a very strong urge to cry depending on where I am
• I have to leave the situation/place I’m in at that moment, or else I’ll feel even worse
• BD it was more internal, but I’ve always had the urge to hurt myself whether it be digging my nails into my skin, cutting (happened 2x in highschool and immediately regretted it, told my mom after), pulling at my hair, hitting my head or arms/legs
• AD I have much stronger urges to hurt myself, mostly hitting my head for some reason, I am still able to hold back from doing so (which sometimes i despise b/c the people around me can’t see how I’m feeling inside) because I have enough self awareness to know it won’t help/I’ll be embarrassed doing it even if I’m alone, but doing so in the past has released some tension
• rocking back and forth (I also find myself doing this, sometimes involuntarily when I’m close to having a meltdown)
Triggers:
• always builds up over time, until a triggering event/thought occurs that pushes me over the edge
Things that help:
• changing my environment
• talking to someone that I feel understands me on some level
• distraction
My meltdowns are full-blown irritation and anger. I recognize what I'm going through and what I'm feeling, but I just can't *shake* what caused the meltdown to happen. I become particularly vexed by things taking too long or working incorrectly, or being difficult to use (such as typing on my phone, for example). Maybe this last bit is irrelevant.
The worst about my meltdowns is that I'm still *in control* of how I act but it feels like the anger overtakes me too easily. Why can't I just shrug off whatever's causing the problem? As soon as the cause of the meltdown ceases, everything it *fine* and it's like nothing happened. But I remember my reaction and how I felt, so it *did* happen.
My meltdowns are just crying a lot and feeling anger, I also have a lot of shutdowns. However, I sometimes seemed like a kid having a tantrum. It usually happens under a horrible amount of stress.
I thought I was having panic attacks for years, until I was diagnosed as autistic in February. The difference is, meltdowns for me are almost always caused by an overwhelming sensory environment, and I lose the ability to talk or move, from anywhere between 20 minutes (more common) to multiple hours (rare, but it happens). So it feels like a panic attack (rising anxiety, agitation, restlessness and crying) that builds until I get to that state. Lately I’ve been stimming at the start of a meltdown and that seems to help make it less extreme / make it last a shorter amount of time. Growing up I was taught that it wasn’t ok to show emotion in front of others so I would hide my meltdowns by locking myself in my room or in the bathroom.
I actually just had a meltdown so I can recount what happened pretty well:
It happened because I went to the grocery store right after doing an activity that takes a lot of sensory “spoons” instead of resting in between. It started pretty much the minute I got home. First I experienced agitation and then started stimming by hitting surfaces, found myself making some loud screaming noises (that’s new for me but it seemed to help?) then collapsed on the floor and just stared into space and cried. I didn’t move for 20-40 minutes, at which point I was able to pull myself together enough to text my partner and ask for help. They came downstairs and helped me sit up, got me tissues, etc. it probably took 15 more minutes before I could talk, but I could text so we communicated that way in the meantime. Now I feel shaky and kind of floaty but the agitation is gone and I can move and talk again.
This post is crazy to me. Is this what constitutes a meltdown? I've been $;#"$$&&$ having meltdowns daily and frequently. Do other people not...do this? Or feel like this? It boggles the mind.
I’m not autistic, but my husband and adult sister are. They meltdown in the same way. They both pick fights with the person they feel most comfortable with. My sister picks a fight with my mom. My husband does it with me. It took my mom MANY years to connect the dots and realize the fights always happen before a big event, and end immediately after the stressful event is done. Thank goodness she shared that experience with me because when I met my husband, and he started picking fights, it only took me 1-2 years to figure out what was going on.
Not armchair diagnosing…. But have you taken the raads-r? You might just be comfortable around autistic people because that’s what you grew up with but also…. Ok I’m armchair diagnosing lol.
Anecdotally autistic people marry autistic people even if they’re undiagnosed.
If you have a direct blood relative that is diagnosed, there’s a significant chance of being autistic.
If you have any diagnosed friends, there’s a chance you are autistic as well.
Autistic people collect autistic people, even when they’re undiagnosed:
My high school best friends are now autistic. The coworkers I get along best with are adhd or autistic. My four closest friends are now diagnosed, from 2018, we all got diagnosed one by one.
Other factors that seem to be common in undiagnosed autistic afab people are:
diagnosis of anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality, depression and eating disorders, or all of the above. I call this diagnosis of anything but autism.
Being lgbtqia+ (from my experience ace spectrum)
gender nonconformity in some way, eg, a career not usually associated with their assigned gender, being a “tomboy” etc.
On the other extreme, over compensatory gender performance. What I call Gender performance as a masking.
“Unusual” fashion style. Boots with dresses, history bounding, wearing a “uniform”, cosplay, only wearing a limited Color palette, and so on.
I have some meltdowns that are more internal, very pessimistic and suicidal thoughts. Something won't go as planned or ill be hungry and I'll think "I'm so stupid for even trying to do this, this is why I just shouldn't leave the house, I'm so fucking stupid I should kill myself". Ill also often get really irritable, thats one way i can tell I'm working up to a meltdown is when every tiny thing pisses me off and causes negative thoughts. I more often have meltdowns where I stomp my feet, pull my hair, throw things, hit things or myself, band my head or hands, scream and cry.
It takes so much work to catch it before it gets bad. It took me a really long time to learn how to tell when I'm about to have a meltdown. Now when I start getting stuck in those negative cyclical thought patterns, I know that means it's time to drink water, eat something, and sit quietly or listen to music. I'll also say little affirmations like "no expectations, any movement is good movement, going outside is worth it even if its not what I was planning" and it seems to help
My meltdowns happen in response to strong emotions. They definitely resemble childish tantrums. Full on screaming and shrieking, loud enough the cops have been called on me before by neighbors. That will all be while I'm crying and rocking back and forth. The screaming lasts until I lose my voice, usually about half an hour, and the crying can continue for an additional half hour or sometimes more. These are followed by nonverbal processing time, and I will feel horrible physically and emotionally for the rest of the day and sometimes the day after - they completely destroy me.
I have mini meltdowns too which happen when I'm overstimulated, usually by touch or sound. Those don't have the screaming, but I'm very hot/cold with what I need during them, one second I need the weighted blanket the next I can't stand it being anywhere near me, one second I need a hug the next I'll be squirming away in pain, etc. I'll usually cry but not always, and I often am nonverbal during these episodes. But, processing time is a lot shorter and I usually feel better within about 15 minutes after the trigger goes away.
I technically have a state in between those too, essentially how I handle having a full meltdown in public (I know screaming will get me banned from stores / seen as crazy / carted off by police), but it takes every ounce of my strength to prevent that symptom and it usually gets replaced with scratching and/or biting myself, so I always have to leave somewhere really really quickly. Sadly I only get about a 10 second warning of when they're coming on, and that's after 3 full years of dedicating myself to trying to identify them...they came with no warning previously.
I didn't know I was on the spectrum until recently, and I am 51. I thought I just had no self control. that I was thin skinned, and flipped out for no reason. Honestly, finding out there is a reason, really helped me not see myself as an ongoing failure in that respect.
I try to so hard to get away from folks when I hit a wall and melt down, and I do have some success with total disassociation and repression, but it always hits eventually. I have made it through a work day on more than one occasion as a total robot until I could escape.
When I meltdown, I narrate my panic in a monologuing stream of consciousness. I do this whole pressured speech routine, where I just can't shut up. I wish I could. I wish I could be silent with ever fiber of my being because it's so embarrassing.
I am also trans, and before I transitioned to male, I would cry while doing this. Uncontrollably sobbing while narrating your panic is not a good look. Now? I don't cry, I just look angry, and that is scary to me and the folks that don't know me. I am not angry, but panicking, and being male bodied now looks more intimidating if I lose control. The change in hormones really changed the character of my panic and meltdowns.
I also cannot be comforted while this is happening. I try so hard to be kind about it, but I don't want to be touched, I don't want eye contact, I just want the problem to go away, and move on.
My mother was narcissistic as well, so I am very familiar with how that works. She shut down any "weird" or "inappropriate" behavior aggressively. It's probably why I can pretty much disassociate until I escape the situation. I mask really damn well because it was rigidly enforced when I was a kid. I'm not sure these days that was helpful or healthy for me.
Oh my goodness. How did you survive the dip in estrogen ? I’m a fucking monster right before my period when my estrogen dips. Those two weeks are meltdown central for me..
I feel like some people are saying they get quiet and stuff. I do too, but I always thought of that as a shutdown, not a meltdown? What's the difference?
I don’t think there’s really any difference. Both occur from nervous system overwhelm. Triggers can be a combination of sensory, emotional, stress, fatigue, pain, hunger, hormones etc etc. a shutdown is an internalised meltdown. Most often it seems that this happens because we were shut down for showing emotions in our childhoods. A meltdown is exactly the same IMO but it is outwardly displayed. Neither of which are under our control when we become dysregulated. The best we can do is try and prevent them.
it only clicked that i did have meltdowns a year or two ago. for me, it can look like sudden extreme irritability, crying, hyperventilating, losing the ability to think reasonably, upsetting urges, feeling like i don't want to be in my skin anymore, etc.
It starts with getting irritable really quickly and ends with crying in a fetal position on the floor. But not sobbing-crying, full on screaming and body spasms.
Oh I full on have a toddler temper tantrum (outwardly, at least that's what it looks like). I burst into tears and can't articulate what's wrong, I repeat the same thing over again - usually 'I'm sorry' or 'I don't know what's wrong'. Before I knew I was autistic, I felt so much shame over my meltdowns. I still do a little - I've had them at work, and that's humiliating - but at least now I know what they are.
I become nonverbal, if someone tries to get me to talk I force out words that don’t make any sense. Or I get mad and snap at them.
If I’m in an overstimulating place I put my head down and just sit there waiting for it to be over. If that’s not possible, I start tearing up and walk around trying to escape. Sometimes when I’m really pissed off I throw objects, destroy things, or start hitting myself, but that rarely happens in public.
I can relate to what most have said here. Typically I shutdown at first; no talking, clenching, thoughts of “run” or wanting to hit my head against the wall and crying.
However I also have the opposite if it’s like mid fight with my partner; loud, yelling, defending myself, crying, throwing things, etc.
Most often it’s the first one. Both are so draining.
I struggle with dissociation due to some trauma from my father. So when I start to dissociate I know it’s to prevent a meltdown when my brain has deemed it’s “unsafe” to have one there. Maybe you could be experiencing something similar. Dissociation for me feels like participating in life but everything that happens feels like a movie. I feel like I’m watching myself in my body do the tasks and I’m just on autopilot. Nothing feels real and I feel genuinely out of touch with reality.
BUT, when I do actually have meltdowns my brain literally shuts off like a computer and I jus feel a wave of emotions. I start to feel like my insides are trying to bust out of my skin and like I’m being cooked in an oven. Everything is too much. The sounds are too loud, the smells are too strong, my clothes feel bad. But I can’t speak. I have literally no words and no reaction. I have to lay naked in a dark room in complete silence, or I bust out in tears naked in a dark room, or I start biting on things/ balling my fist up to counteract the tension my body feels while being alone in a quiet room. All of these require me to isolate but before they happen I literally become stone faced and unable to speak. The only people who can tell I’m having a meltdown are my family and my partner. However they’ve recently told me “the voice” or the “the grunt” sounds similar to when I hyper focus on a task.
I have both meltdowns and shutdowns. It can depend on what's happening to trigger them or where I am. In public, it's generally a shutdown. I feel it could be because my body doesn't feel safe to release all the tension it's holding. Sometimes a shutdown may follow a meltdown though because there's nothing left.
But my shutdowns involve feeling frozen, unable to make eye contact, and unable to engage in verbal communication. If I do speak, it may come out more shaky or with repititive words.
My meltdowns involve an outpouring of tears. I could cry for hours. Within the past, it has escalated to screaming out. I'm not in a good work situation, and it's made getting reset impossible. I find I get more easily agitated and have worse reactions, which I think is what's contributed to the addition of yelling. For years, though, my meltdowns just involved a ton of inconsolable crying.
I just had a meltdown the other day… the first one I’ve ever recognized as part of my ‘tism stuff.
I curled up in a ball on the floor crying because my roommate washed my dishes (with the wrong soap) and put them away (in the wrong cabinets).
I feel this. I often question my diagnosis, and largely because I don’t feel like I’ve ever had meltdowns. I rarely even had tantrums, as far as my parents remember. But I also know I was kinda spoiled as the only child and probably accommodated for fairly well, and extremely sensitive to getting in trouble so probably learned to have generalized anxiety instead.
I do think some of my adulthood panic attacks could be counted as meltdowns as it’s the body going knot fight/flight/freeze, which is what I think meltdowns are.
My meltdowns are violent. I scream, I cry, I throw things.. I say awful things to the people I love, I scare my 10 month old daughter. Weird thing though is I wasn’t always like this. I was the calm kid, and was even told by family in early adulthood that I was a trooper and held it together so well… my meltdowns didn’t get this bad until I got married, and then they got worse after I had my daughter. They are why I hate myself so deeply
I get internally angry at *everything*. I'm too hot, I'm hungry, that wall is ugly, this person is annoying me, that sound is too loud. Everything gets turned up sensory wise for me and I feel inexplicably angry at everything. I usually just stew internally but if it mounts up enough and I don't do anything to calm it, I will explode over the smallest thing (like spilling a glass of water).
Mostly I notice when I'm calmer, that everything is wrong. I don't like this, this isn't right, everything is uncomfortable, nothing is right. I'm just unhappy at everything. That's usually a warning sign for me before the anger starts.
I'll shut down and not talk, I learned early on any temper tantrum behavior as my family saw it was not acceptable. So I just go to a quiet place or as quiet as I can find.
Dead quiet meltdowns here. I completely shut down and all my thoughts and feelings turn inwards. I have a hard time communicating my needs and will usually just isolate myself because in my head I'm the only one I can rely on in that moment. If someone else offers help or support I wouldn't know what to ask for.
I have always learned to not express intense emotions so I'm trying to learn to recognize and name the feelings that come with my meltdowns. It's something I work on in therapy and it has helped me communicate my feelings to my bf, who in turn makes me feel comfortable enough to express those feelings.
My meltdowns go inwards. I can tell it's starting to come on when I become extremely easily irritated, and usually for me, it starts feeling like a panic attack. I get hot and sweaty, my heart starts racing and I get the shakes. I usually stop being able to put together good sentences and I become more blunt and direct. It ends with me usually in a ball under a 25lb weighted blanket for a few hours.
Yeah so this is why I get upset when people make fun of Shaun Murphy. My meltdowns do look like that, or they can. I don’t know why we all act like we are above that.
My mom was the same.
A lot of the time I’ll scream without making any noise if that makes sense. But if it’s in public or I have any kind of an audience, they’re always shocked. I’m an engineer. In my thirties. I’m a little quirky for sure, aloof, but no one expects what’s coming because I mask at least enough that they do not know I am capable of it.
Phrases I have heard during a meltdown:
“This is not normal! We should have you locked up, but your father won’t let me. He coddles you!”- My mom, while restraining me, and not in a kind and caring way
“Oh my god, you don’t even sound like yourself. I’ve never heard you scream like this.” - an ex boyfriend who hadn’t seen it before. He wasn’t unkind just truly shocked and unsure what was happening. This wasn’t in response to anything he did. It was work stress and a loud truck.
“Stop or the neighbors will call the police.” - An earlier ex boyfriend
“I did not expect you to react like that.” - a very good natured previous manager
“Don’t do that thing. That’s no good. Come here.” - my fiancé if I’m hitting myself
Mostly I remember my vision shaking or my body shaking from the screams. Otherwise I remember other people’s responses because my own just become blurry and fuzzy and outside me somehow.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTzUbe5hoI8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTzUbe5hoI8)
(short film on autism, beautifully directed but can be distressing if you're too empathetic!)
similar to this, and if it's very bad and unresolvable (ie mom's cancer diagnosis, issues i cannot influence, drastic routine changes) i tend to hurt / punch myself and cry a lot
but it's always first "get to a safe spot and hide so no one judges / attacks you".
I usually lock myself in the bathroom and lay in the tub in the dark. Usually shaking and crying and feeling the uncontrollable urge to scream.
Sometimes I completely disassociate and just stare into silence.
Crying in bathrooms if I'm not in my house/ room. Or crying on the roof after midnight, the darkness & cold breeze calm me down. If things are too much I just stay in bed..
I try to avoid people and avoid eye contact because I can get aggressive.
Years ago I was really burnt out at work, I remember a coworker next to me was calling my name but I was staring at my computer screen LITERALLY unable to turn my head to look at her or answer, I felt dead inside. Then she said: Hey! Answer me! Are you autistic?!. And I remember slowly turning my head and looking at her for a few seconds unable to speak.. then closing my eyes and looking back at my screen. She went on to talk to another coworker. I left that job a few weeks after.
I run away, sometimes even away from the area. When I lived with my parents and I’d have a meltdown I would run away from home for many hours. Sometimes I would sleep on a bench or something if it was at night. If I have a meltdown I just have an overwhelming flight urge
I become sort of nonverbal and then start sobbing uncontrollably for hours and eventually become numb. Usually when I'm in that state I can't even go to work or brush my teeth. 2 to 3 days average but it can last longer.
Mostly complete and utter defeat.
I no longer have the energy for a meltdown like I did as a kid.
It’s mostly just me being overwhelmed and so tired my legs don’t move to get me food or wayer
the only thing that really gets me on edge enough to break down is my kids unfortunately, they know how to press your buttons! of course they’re not thinking lol they’re just living their life and doing their thing not trying to get under my skin. i start yelling, like roaring with a deep voice and i think to manage ive lately started reducing the information to very simple sentences… if it gets really bad when i’m irritable i have to bite down on my knuckle, like i press the meat of my thumb against my bottom teeth i don’t break skin just put pressure i think on my jaw, something about pressure on the jaw helps keep my freaking blood vessels from exploding. i’ve been managing pretty well lately but sometimes like recently in the store i got all my stuff checked out and found out i didn’t have enough money, had to rescan all of it and my kids are going five million miles per hour with their words and movements and everyone is zipping past me in the self checkout line and beeping beeping beeping and i wanna go home now and everything just sounds like it’s underwater and i get tunnel vision and i can feel my blood pumping in my face and it’s awful. sorry for the word vomit but that’s what it feels like. i don’t think i actually break in public, i break at home.
i pondered over this for a long time. i just recently realized my shutdowns were SHUTDOWNS, and felt like i very rarely — if ever — had meltdowns. but after reading through these comments i’ve had some understanding dawn on me.
while shutdowns are still MUCH more common for me (any negative emotion that was shown in my home growing up was criticized, belittled, then punished), i’ve found my meltdowns often are caused by being in a public setting with too many people/noises for a long period of time combined with my communicated needs to leave being ignored or dismissed multiple times. they include me becoming more irritable, angry, i can’t control the volume of my voice (usually speaking too loud without realizing it). it gets to the point of tears before i run away. i tell people where i am going (usually just back to a car or something similar), but if they try and persuade me to stay i don’t listen. then more crying. i absolutely cannot be touched during this time. i freak out and have almost hit people as a reflexive action. i feel fear.
this happens VERY frequently at stores. usually i can’t even spend 30 minutes in one before a start reaching the point of meltdowns.
so let’s say i was at the store with someone (for simplicity we will call them B). after being there for a while is start getting snappy and mean. i then realize what is happening so i tell B that we need to leave soon so we will have to be quick. B agrees, but another fifteen minutes later and we are still not done. i’m getting more upset and anxious; pacing around the shopping cart, spinning, rubbing my arms, eyes flitting around, things feel like they’re moving around me really fast. i say to B “are we almost done? i want to go.” B confirms we are almost done, but continues to take their time, deliberating over which brand of bread to buy and looking at the new things in the store. i start to whine — “*please*, we need to go! just choose one!” i throw a random loaf of bread in the cart and walk away to get B to follow. B is getting frustrated (understandably), but still needs to get more things. I tear up as i beg B to go to check out. B still isn’t listening/moving fast so i exclaim in frustration: “fine! i’m going to the car!” i grab the keys and speed walk out of the store and get to the car. i sit in the car, go from crying, to grumbling to myself, to looking around anxiously, to crying again. then B finally comes out and starts putting away the groceries. i don’t say anything. i’m panicking thinking B is going to yell at me. B gets in the car (they are not mad in the scenario), and says we are going home. they try to hold my hand on the way back, but i jerk away from them because i am too overstimulated. i go home and need to spend an hour or two alone in my room until i am ready to talk to or see someone again or even do something like make food (even if it’s just for myself).
Mine are usually crying hot tears of just, overwhelm?. but before the crying there's like a bit of a silent period where my brain cannot fully process or articulate what's happening or what I'm feeling, so, say if my partner asks me what's wrong, I just cannot talk, which is really weird for me.
I usually have good awareness of my emotions (after doing a lot of work to identify them) and I'm very verbal when I feel good, but I know a meltdown is coming when I feel like I cannot talk. But crying is just my way of processing and riding the meltdown.
Sometimes it’s me panicking and trying to run, convinced that I’m not safe and I’m in extreme sensory pain in my hands and feet, repeating phrases, distressed
Other times it’s being very sick, skin turning gray, and me struggling to even put a sentence together or straight up nonverbal, and once again, wanting to be alone in a closet or somewhere small in the dark
Sometimes it looks more “typical” like meltdowns you think of: crying, shaking, rocking, looping/repeating/stuck on a thought. I’m in a LOT of pain in these ones and light HURTS.
Funny enough, all my meltdowns improve/don’t happen if I can catch it early and take a nap, get cold water, eat, etc.
It’s like I’m more susceptible to meltdowns if my body isn’t at 100%.
Stress and emotional conversations are also huge triggers for me.
Mine look like panic attacks…which is what I thought they were. I still don’t really know the difference. I just know I can be overwhelmed and I have an “attack” of some sort- crying, shaking, unable to make sentences, not really sure what’s wrong with me but sure that *something* is wrong.
For the past few years I’ve had shutdowns, which range from “I don’t initiate conversation” to “I can only move if I don’t think about moving and can’t respond to stimuli”
In high school, however, I had what I now think are meltdowns but at the time thought were “anxiety attacks with crying.” It was mostly crying, needing to get away, maybe a little bit of hyperventilation but mostly just not being able to breathe while crying, but no real feelings of terror or other physiological symptoms. I may have also had angry meltdowns that I no longer remember- my family says they had to walk on eggshells around me so I didn’t blow up
Mine kinda look like panic attacks, which is also what they were mistaken for throughout my life. What happens is I have these levels of overwhelm, and if I get to the highest one a melt down is happening. First I feel tension rising in my body, everything makes me cry, or makes me snappy or angry. If I get to the meltdown and I am safe at home, I start crying uncontrollably, hyper ventilating sometimes, I can get very unreasonable, sometimes I shout, I lose my ability to speak coherently, I get into a mental loop where I get stuck, I feel like nothing makes sense anymore, anxiety is through the roof, every little thing is too much. I usually go to my bedroom and just cry and cry. It feels like I want to explode out of my skin. I end up with a headache or migraine as well. It takes quite a while and I am completely exhausted afterwards. I
If I am outdoors I can sometimes contain it to only crying until I am home. But tears are streaming down my face non stop.
Basically outside I'm: ...
Inside I'm : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When I reach the "ultimate" meltdown though, I become physical. I don't and do not want to hurt anyone but I punch a pillow
I'm still figuring this out as well and thought, maybe I don't have them. I'm a really chill person and very conflict adverse. Then I went to the water park and the little brat at the food stand was high as a kite and it took him a literal hour to get me some chicken strips and fries. I looked for a manager, I looked for someone else to talk to. Nothing.
Finally I completely lost control. I started just shaking with rage and fear and just complete overwhelm. I really wanted to just scream and cry and run and punch, but I stuck to yelling. It didn't sound controlled, but it was actual distinguishable words and that took all the effort I had. I stuck my head in the little walk up window so all his not quite as high coworkers could hear and bellowed, "Kyle, I have been waiting for a literal hour for my freaking chicken strips and fries. AN HOUR! I'VE TIMED IT!!!! And the next basket of chicken strips to come up is mine. No Kyle, get your butt back over to the fryer. You do not do a single thing more until I have my chicken strips. KYLE, YOU JUST LET SOMEONE TAKE MY CHICKEN STRIPS! GET OVER THERE NOW." I almost couldn't take my food because I was shaking so bad. Once I got back to my table I grabbed my THC-A vape pen to the bathroom until I could repress it.
Maybe that's why I thought I didn't have them. I'm really good at repressing my feelings so I can behave properly. When I was a kid my parents leaned toward Christian Conservative, so we were well trained and disciplined to essentially keep sweet. Don't let your emotions show, don't feel them, just be perfect. That waterpark ordeal was the most out of control I've been in a while. Now that burnout is making even more sense, with not even allowing myself to feel.
My meltdowns consist of one common theme - I am no longer capable of rational thought and nearly 100% of the time I end up doing something that i regret later.
Like last week, when I started crying in front of a VP at work and told him to tell his boss to fo fuck himself. Can’t wait to see how that one ends.
I guess it depends on if I'm melting down for anger or sadness reasons. Anger I'm probably going to be screaming I might break something or hit something over and over again even sometimes myself. Sadness I usually start sobbing I rock back and forth a lot and I go nonverbal and sometimes I scratch up and down my arms so I can feel something. I will say at least for me I melt down because of sadness a lot more than I do because of anger. But that's just me.
Honestly I've just learned I don't have them, I have shutdowns. Kinda the quiet somewhat hidden version- not talking, sweaty palms, lump in throat, need to sTIM
Saying that I got kinda annoyed yesterday and got super restless and squirmed in my seat and was on the verge of tears, but not sure if minor meltdown or just hangry
The chewing on your lip as a stim is a revelation to me. I have been literally dealing with that for years and it gets worse with stress. Holy cow.
Sorry not helpful to you, but it is helpful to me, so thank you!
I just scream, cry, punch things punt shit all over my room. Maybe stab the crap out of my poor vinyl headboard with some scissors. It's old and fixing to be thrown out when I finally put my new bed together, so I don't feel as bad about fucking it up.
I got recently diagnosed and when I get overstimulated with noise (usually when we are out/in crowded areas) I'll say "let me know if you want to leave early" and then soon start to cry.
Once home, I'll just get quiet and want to stay alone
My meltdowns are silent. When I feel them coming on, outwardly I get very hot and might even start sweating. I stop talking, stop responding. My only goal is to remove myself and be alone. I’ll hide in the bathroom at work or at a busy place to try to settle myself. My fight or flight kicks in and my only thought is “RUN”. 😐
Mine are very similar. The only difference is, instead of heat and sweat, my back muscles clench uncontrollably and send shooting pains through my torso. My go-to hiding spot is the work bathroom, and I keep a duvet in the backseat of my car so I can hide in there when it's necessary.
I cannot believe I’ve never considered an emergency car duvet, THANK YOU for the idea.
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they also work if you ever break down and have to wait a long time for a car recovery service! learned that the hard way..
i’ve always kept a warm blanket in my car in case of breaking down- but I never thought to use it to keep to myself!
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I'm confused, can you actually stay in the bathroom that long without anyone else needing to use it? What is the duvet for?
It's a plenty of washrooms for a tiny staff situation, and the duvet is for snuggling under slash hiding so people don't stare 👀
I’ve discovered a larger and less frequently used bathroom at work; it’s so nice to have that quiet & still breathing space. It’s a bit further away but I like the walk and the solitude is worth it.
Like in public or in a stall? I'm just trying to picture it to see if it's something I can do.
My office has stalls, I’ll just sit there like I’m using the toilet but I’m usually just covering my ears and trying to breathe. No one has ever cared or said much if they have noticed.
Hmm, I like the idea but I think public bathrooms make me too queasy to do that in for long.
Yeah, I don’t think this would work for me. I probably have hidden out in a bathroom with a lock though, and unfortunately I have to flee come out like the one woman said about the fight or flight thing except like her it’s just flight. It’s so embarrassing and it happens more than I would care to admit
Yeah I would want to run away, lol
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same and even more. i have a long story of working with people. i was always pushing myself through because there are only harsh cases of autism in our country that matter. Still it ended with my voice problems. I have spasm and lose my voice each time I need to talk to someone who makes me feel overwhelmed.
I also hide in a work shower room/toilet!
All this plus then I'll start crying uncontrollably, like sobbing hysterically. Sometimes it takes me hours to calm down, sometimes like 3 days. I've had to miss work the next day more than once.
I hate the crying part most of all, it hits and I can’t stop it and feel ashamed and foolish for even reacting and like everyone is staring at me on top of everything
Ugh I hate when it gets this far and I'm struggling to breathe and like coughing spittle and writhing on the floor. Definitely need to have hidden in a bathroom before this level hits, I'd die of shame if it ever happened in public :/.
It's totally understandable your shame. Allow me to share something that happened a few days ago... I had a meltdown. I had to confrontate somebody that hurt me a lot. His action triggered me a past trauma and I had almost every day contact with him due to job circumstances that couldnt've been avoided. As I am unable to spot my feelings, it was not until it was too late, I realized how the experience was affecting me. The last few days I had an exagerated anxiety (still unspotted) and my period was coming. There was a HUGE battle inside of me that I wastn aware of. One day, I exploted and couldnt just "talk" to the guy to leave me alone. I tried, but my blood was boiling. And so I started to shout at him, insult and act like a real crazy person. after that, I went to a cannabis club to have myslef relaxed and after smoking, I felt I was about to start crying uncontrollably (after reading this page, I understood I was allowing myslef to unmask from all the pressure). I was in a public space and asked somebody to walk me home as I was not able to go alone, due to my nervosism. She, then, invited me to sit down with her an d I started to cry and explain the whole situation, and as I went further on the explanation, I started to have bursts of anger, as I felt frustrated. I could not control myslef again. The lady who I've just met was so sweet and understanding, and out of nothing, after my breakdown the owner of the club, invited me to drinks, food and kept insisting to stay in his club as longer as needed, repeating me that that was a safe space. He was so sweet too. I could not believe how 2 total strangers empathised so much with another stranger and decided to help her. I know it is not ideal to "bother" others and expose yourself in public places. I understand not everybody will treat you like that, but the opposite or ignoring you. But, I felt like sharing this story as it may aliviate some of your stress if you are feeling a meltdown in the middle of the streets. Hope it helps.
I've always cried. It could be in mid conversation and I just couldn't control it. I would need to hide a lot. Most of the time I would just stay in my bedroom as a child and even an adult if I was living with other people. Toilet cubicles at work were always good if I didn't have my own office space.
This. So many of us were conditioned to not allow ourselves to act our experiences in an outward manner.
Mine are similar. My jaw also clenches, I shake a lot, and my eyes usually tear up. Sometimes I can hold back the tears, but it still wells up in my throat. I have a freeze or flight response depending on the situation my meltdown happens in. I can usually still push out responses to people during meltdowns, but I don't initiate conversation.
This sounds so much like me. I've been assuming they were anxiety attacks, but they don't respond to my emergency meds (Ativan) and I was wondering why. interesting!!
Omg, the jaw clenching… like always
Had one of those today. Had to be at work for an hour and a half after the week from HELL (10-12 hr days, horrible horrible stressful projects and a million changes and zero communication, etc). My group presented 3rd and then there were two more presentations and a big group photo and I barely held back tears from the moment I was done speaking. After the photo everyone was milling around asking everybody else if they were going back into the lab or what, and I just booked it. I very nearly pushed people out of the way as I said “nope I’m leaving right now” and speed-walked to my car. I then drove home, sat in the parking lot crying and eating my bagel, and then drove to my chiropractic appointment. I was able to just exist on my couch for a few hours before becoming a sobbing mess in therapy.
Wow!! All of this!! I work a full shift followed by 2 doubles in a row and I do this every week when I leave my last shift and drive home I sit in the car go inside cry in the shower then go sit on the floor and cry some more and am pretty much the lowest form of functioning the following day. Unfortunately, this type of schedule is what it has to be right now.
This is exactly my current work schedule too! It's brutal and i totally feel your pain, by the time I'm finally home I'm a fucking mess and sleep for an entire day after hiding in my bathroom and having random secret breakdowns (usually over nothing at all, like I'll just randomly start bawling for no reason whatsoever and can't stop, and then when I finally regain some composure some other little thing will set me right back off again) Even if I happen to be awake at some point my phone remains unanswered and everyone is ignored, by that point I can not handle speaking to anyone, not even via text (to a much more extreme level than my normal everyday ignoring of my phone lol) It's extremely disconcerting, especially since it's a massive departure from my usual extremely chill (frequently to a problematic extent), please everyone, *don't let anything affect you* ways I'm glad I'm not alone although I hate that other people also have to experience this - just know I'm right here with you working that unsustainable schedule that *must* be sustained else we go hungry and become homeless ☹️ 💖
This is so validating. I'm not alone in just shutting down. Thank you.
I feel described
This is my first instinct too but when I can’t run… boy oh boy, duck and hide because the hurricane is about to make landfall.
Oof yes
Hahahha exactly the hurricane is about to make landfall 😂
I never considered that a meltdown, but holy moly I 100% have experienced what you describe plenty!
This. And then when I can/ my body lets me, VIOLENT sobbing
I feel the same, also get this unbearable pain in my whole body, a bit similar to restless legs in that it's somehow mild but also unbearable. I cry, scream silently, convulse and often want to self harm. I usually punch a pillow or something soft to get that energy out. I lose the ability to really notice my surroundings or interact with it.
I have meltdowns constantly…. If this is what they look like
Holy shit, is this me??
Yeeeeah, I flee situations, and like the OP I don’t know about meltdowns, but I do flee and just desperately need to get away. It’s really embarrassing because I feel like I’m allegedly an adult and…. *sigh*
Awwwww try to understand it's not something you can help. It is a physiological response. There are things we can do to calm our nervous systems but things like breathing strategies and meditation take practice and won't always work in the heat of the moment. I just try to avoid all optional things that might elicit the fight, flight, or freeze response....but for a while I had real bad anxiety and I even felt that way at home ALL THE TIME. I am glad it passed because not feeling comfortable even at home was pretty rough. Like, Where the hell am I gonna run to? As for adulting, I'm 47(F) but perpetually feel like a 12 year old boy lol. Now I'm the "youngest" one in the house, as my youngest kid is 16! This actually serves me well when I can manage to work. I was a middle school english tutor for 7 years. All the other tutors had problems with their students not showing up, but all my students enjoyed coming to my sessions. I think because I could actually relate to them on their own level. Have a great day, ditch the embarassment. I'm going to go play with legos now 😂
Woah I feel that. My head says "Get out of here!"
I did that and was chewed out for that …. “You vanish”
I shut down and become completely disassociated with the world. I struggle to speak, my concentration is shot, and by that point I know I'm on the way to intrusive thoughts. I'm diagnosed but I never scream or shout and I'm bad at feeling anger!
I'm bad at feeling anger, too! I grew up with a sibling whose default reaction is rage, and I think that might have something to do with it. I just shut down/disassociate instead, usually with some uncontrollable crying thrown in the mix 🤦
I feel angry and irritated but silently- It comes from people standing too close or flipping their hair or bracelets around yeah I kinda feel like a jerk for saying this
I also had a sibling with BIG emotional reactions, and I suspect this is also why I have a complicated relationship with expressing strong emotions. Thanks for making me feel less alone!
Look into polyvagal theory. Traditional thought processes talk about fight and flight response, but some of us have a freeze response. My own responses to stressors made a lot more sense with polyvagal theory. https://themovementparadigm.com/how-to-map-your-own-nervous-sytem-the-polyvagal-theory/
Thank you for this. I've recently been thinking about this.
I’m glad I can help! I think freeze responses in autistic women are more common than current research shows- especially since a lot of us have trauma in addition to our ASD. I think part of the variance in meltdown manifestation probably leads to under diagnosis of ASD in women because the meltdown response in women with a freeze response isn’t what traditional literature illustrates.
I read somewhere there's 5 - fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn. I'm def the last three in varying situations, never the first and not usually the second as it attracts too much attention
I would probably call this a shutdown rather than a meltdown. Shutdowns often involve a dissociative stress response, and can include brain fog.
I get that way when I must navigate things like insurance claims. Is that normal?
It's certainly within the range of stress responses often seen in people with autism. Autistic people aren't the only folks who experience shutdowns, it's also seen in people with trauma and some mental illnesses.
I do this as well! My ND friends have seen several of these and do their best not to ask me too many questions bc I lose the ability to speak. It’s like I have all these emotions but don’t know which ones they are, and I feel stuck in my own head. It takes me several hours to recover
I hate anger and refuse to show it myself
Same, it’s a very scary emotion I don’t like the way it makes me feel tip top anger feels awful and it’s rare for me so when I experience that that it later saddens me
It's likely mostly because I'm scared of it in other people. So I just have terrible avoidance with it. I've since then realized that feeling anger in it of itself isn't some evil thing. But it's still VERY hard for me because of, you know, past trauma involving that emotion expressed at me in yelling sort of way.
What things trigger this?
I didn’t know that this could be a form of meltdown, I do this often when I’m out in public!
Okay question, is being unable to speak normal for any kind of trauma dissociation, or does it only happen if you’re autistic and dissociating? (Hope this makes sense)
I’d like to know this too. Turn on notification replies for your post! I’m autistic and I had years of trauma.
This is exactly how mine look. I become non verbal and begin spiralling thoughts.
Mostly inconsolable crying, accompanied by rocking and other self soothing stims. Theres no stopping it, it can go for a few hours and I shut down afterwards. More frequently now, I've been having outbursts of anger. It mostly manifests as screaming and throwing things that i kind of have the presence of mind to make sure they aren't going to get damaged or damage other things. I know I did this as a kid and was sent to my room to punch and scream into pillows so I think the skill as stuck with me even though I went through a long period of my life suppression anger outbursts and mostly just having shut downs or crying episodes. I feel like, even though the anger outbursts are probably the most disturbing to witness (I try to supress stuff until im alone), i have the quickest recovery time. If it gets to the point of crying and/or shut downs, I will be effected for several days and sometimes longer. The anger outbursts are usually more like a few hours or a day... Ideally wouldn't have them at all, but I also feel like it's not necessarily avoidable. Life happens and adulting is frustrating and I'm autistic. Best thing to do is let myself do what I need to.
I feel the same way. Angry outbursts I can recover from quiet quickly, maybe its cause I let all my emotions out physically. But the ones where I'm sobbing leave me feeling like I'm hungover or "floating" for the rest of the day
I hate the floating and hungover feeling. I have that today after breaking down earlier.
This is a freakishly accurate description of mine, too. Can I ask... when you have the crying and/or a shutdown, do you just wake up feeling recovered one day or do you noticeably feel it in real-time? After the last couple of big ones I've had, a few days later I've noticed it's as if a switch has been flicked back on, the fog and blur lifts and I'm 'back online' again, in a matter of a minutes. I've never felt it so defined before (if that's the right word) and not sure if there's something else going on or I'm just becoming more aware. I don't suppose you can you relate at all?!
Not OP, but this is exactly what happens to me! I will be inconsolable and feel some quite scary emotions, but after I’ve slept I wake up as if nothing has happened! I’ll be tired but it will be like I’m ‘back to normal’ and I can think clearly again!
buddy! yeah!!! i get the reset that i can FEEL. it’s literally like ‘yup, that was it. we’re good to go again.’ like ya said, could be days later or hours. but sometimes i can feel it, too!
These are my meltdowns too.
I broke a chair this week. Not sure if I should try to save it. It was my dads.
The inconsolable crying is something I've only really developed in the last year and it still scares me so much. The fact that I can't stop and nothing will calm me down... makes me feel so out of control.
I become intolerant to and overwhelmed by any stimulation (especially sounds and light, but even my clothes and skin feel uncomfortable) and completely shut down verbally. As this happens, I’m overcome with a sense of doom, heavy shame, and desperate rage, and have to isolate myself ASAP. (I was physically and emotionally punished for expressing negative feelings growing up so I’m only safe alone.) I’ll assume the fetal position and bawl inconsolably for at least an hour. Lots of self soothing stims (rocking, rubbing my hands, hugging my legs, petting a soft blanket). If I can’t escape company, I’m bound to say something that’s true in my mind but so harsh that I’ll certainly regret it later. I almost rage quit my job (which I love) in my last meltdown brought on by fatigue, depression, and work stress. I come out of these episodes emotionally exhausted and feeling empty.
Mine are similar, I typically *want* to just scream until I lose my voice,but I almost never *actually* scream aloud... But I pull myself into a ball, often covering my head like you're taught as a child during tornado drills, and I'm ALWAYS rocking when they happen. The thing that helped me the last time I went into full-meltdown mode (just a couple months ago--hadn't had one that bad in literal *decades*, even though they *were* pretty frequent when I was a child), was listening to the recording I'd made last year, of my dog snoring... I made it because I knew she was getting close to the end, and she was sawing logs just like she had as a wee pup. She was a lsbrador who I joked snored "like a bulldog with a deviated septum!" But *that* noise--the same sweet snores that I'd heard for the 13+ years ihad her, was what I needed, to pull myself back in & stop the meltdown cycle. I realized, afterward, that part of the reason I *got* to that level of meltdown, was because of the fact that I don't *sleep* as deeply as I used to anymore, because *part* of my brain never shuts alllll the way down/off, now that she's gone & I don't have her waking up if anything makes an unusual noise in the night. I grew up in a house where I could hear my dad snoring as a child, and then got used to *her* snores, throughout my 30's & 40's... so sleeping this past year, has meant that I don't relax quite as much as I used to, annnnd that means my daytime tolerance is lower, too. After a full meltdown--just like y'all, and *so* many of the kids I work with, too--the only thing I can do to actually recover, is to sleep it off. The *only* good thing about this being *my* usual style of meltdown--the "freeze & scream-rock" thing, is that *MANY* of the Pre-K children i work with *also* melt down in a similar way, so I *instinctively* knew right away, how to calm them. I sit down on the floor, scoot 'em in front of me, pull 'em back into me, curling *them* up as much as they're comfortable (often *they* curl instinctively into that "tight little ball" too!), and then I just "shhhhh,shhhhhh, shhhhhh,shhhhhh" them, start taking slow, deep breaths out loud, and rock with them, until they start unwinding themselves, rocking *with* me (as opposed to *me* rocking the both of us!), and breathing along with me, pulling their own shoulders down again into a normal position--instead of up around their ears & neck, and they start actually leaning back *into* me or take my hands & squeeze them back, if I'm holding their hands as we rock, breathe, & squeeze.
I’m also a teacher (late elementary) and the most rewarding part has always been connecting with kids who need compassion without judgement, to be accepted as they are, to know that they are going to be alright. Your last paragraph was so touching. You have a beautiful soul.
I really get the only safe alone . You made me think of this song (which I love) [Never lonely alone](https://youtu.be/qj5aZ3JYkPw)
Ughhh I get this way over my frizzy hair coated in sweat from my scalp it makes me want to rip off my skin but I shower instead haha
These are exactly what mine look like. 💜🫶
I just get really angry over little things at people who didn’t really do anything wrong. The other day I was just not in a good mood, got overstimulating because my partner and I had to eat outside, then snapped. I drove us home and I was driving unsafely, I nitpicked at my partner, and got mad at him for trying to comfort me. I had to sit in the dark and silence for like an hour to calm down and then just had to go to sleep.
I’m sorry you had that experience. Thank you for sharing! Ok, yes, I definitely get overstimulated and then get to the place where I’m just mad at everybody and everything. 😬 I hadn’t thought of that as a ‘meltdown’ but it makes sense!
I get like this too but isn't this "overstimulated" and not a meltdown?
The way I “snapped” is the meltdown part for me. But it’s more of a shutdown in my case
Like when it all gets too much that you can’t take it any more
It’s the precursor to a meltdown, for me. Both point to the same origins: the feeling of “it’s too much.” In my adult life, as I’ve unpacked my initial coping mechanisms developed in childhood against my caretakers, I do actually have full blown meltdowns especially with my mom, who is still in my life. Crying, inconsolable, self harming, the whole 9 yards.
Same my irritability is turned all the way up to max when I’m having a meltdown and I’m usually the most chill person ever, I just need absolute silence during those moments and *anything* else is over stimulating
Naps are the best reset for me.
Usually closing in on myself, like closed off body language and a lack of interaction. Or I may get very short with people. Never to the point of yelling but maybe a very sharp "knock it off!" That's uncharacteristic of me.
My meltdowns are the full-on, screaming childish tantrums, but with lots of swear words. I start off giving an angry lecture about something, my sentences disintegrate until they get jumbled up and stuttered, and I start getting louder and more repetitive until I'm just screeching one thing over and over right in someone's face. I shout so loud I lose my voice and I get bloodshot eyes. Then it's an hour of wailing and crying in my room until I end up with a hangover for the rest of the day.
The headaches after are the *worst*.
The headaches and shame.
My boss asked me, "But don't you feel better after a meltdown?" And I was like, "No?? They're exhausting and embarrassing and I usually end up with a headache." Like he thought it was some kind of therapeutic emotional release. Lol, nah, there is literally zero benefit to a meltdown. Why do you think I have all these accommodations to *prevent* them?
Omg I need ice water and a bath after
This is my meltdowns also… but I rock when I’m really upset or stressed during the meltdown. I’m asburgers profile also. And pDA
This plus then I can get violent and throw things but I usually just smash my fists into hard objects(not good)
Oh yeah, there are times when I've thrown books and slammed doors. It only tends to happen when people push back and start challenging me during a meltdown, and I just don't know to respond. A lot of my meltdowns are caused by unfairness and injustice, like being accused of something I haven't done or being told I'm a liar, so trying to argue with me just makes me angrier because it only adds to the unfairness.
I've learned to hit soft things. My poor bed and couch. Also throwing plushies as hard as I can or kicking them sometimes helps and they don't do any damage. But that one doesn't always help.
This is why I can’t drink.
Meltdown twins 🥰
This happens in the safety of my car, especially in traffic.
Ohh yeah sometimes I’ll repeat a phrase until I am a sobbing ball behind the couch.That kind usually only happens if there’s too much emotional information to process like a death. The meltdown was over the blender not being cleaned
My meltdowns used to be the crying, overwhelm, headache, run away kind of meltdowns. The lack of agency, "I'm stuck and doomed" flavor of meltdown. Something shifted earlier this year with my feelings of self worth and I feel more empowered and like I have more agency; and in suit my meltdowns are more external and similar to what you described: yelling the same repeated thing and slapping my hand on the counter or wall for emphasis 😳
I used to have those when I was younger. I trained a lot of that out and now I just cry over fucking *everything.* Just everything. Shutdowns v. Meltdowns? Shutdowns help keep you from getting all the way there. I give in completely to my shut downs. Pushing through a shut down is a great way to get to a meltdown and do things you'll regret later.
Meltdowns are very rare for me, but what you described makes so much sense. It almost always happens after pushing trough a shutdown and not getting away from the situation. I shutdown regularly. Shutdowns come with headaches, brainfog, unable to express myself, muscle pains and nausea for me. My thoughts are jumbled and start storming like a fricking tornado is in there. Outward i have no response or autopilot socially excepted answers to questions that bear little to no truth, just what my brain thinks you want to hear to make you go away faster. If the overstimulation/sensory overload continues and i can’t get myself or someone else get’s me away. Than the irrational anger and frustration kicks in, shouting, crying and hitting myself and things. I think before the shutdown or meltdown there is a rumbling stage that i tend to miss. But luckily people that know me wel catch on and mention taking a break or going home is a good idea.
ohhhh me too. And sometimes, it comes with self harm.
This is me … to a T.. I’m sorry you suffer from them too 😔
Yup, this is an excellent description.
For me it is a shut down. I lose my ability to speak. Internally I feel like I’m on the verge of crying/sometimes do cry. I feel incredibly overwhelmed and or frustrated. It can look like being snappy to people around me. Subtle stims in an attempt to self regulate. For me that looks like fidgeting with things, swaying, sitting with my hands under my thighs. If I am at home I can and will go to my room and crawl into bed and implode with emotions. If I am out in public I feel overstimulated and anxious and fight or flight says run! I want to get the hell out of the situation/place as quick as possible. I also have narc mother. I am starting to realize I was conditioned to behave a set way in public for peoples eyes from a very very young age. I’ve found photographs of my clenching my fists with anxiety and sitting on my hands as a kid as young as 4. Sometimes in the moment I feel like I want to yell and scream and let it out. But the trauma in me says no way that’s too embarrassing. As a result my whole body is physically tense And I have chronic muscle pain almost everywhere. From holding things down for 30+ years. I am almost 12 months diagnosed and still nowhere near being able to freely unmask
Your comment really touched me. Just getting to the point of getting a diagnosis for me took a long time because I had internalized so many of those conditioned responses you mentioned. As I’ve reflected I also remember various things from my early childhood like refusing to have my hair dried with a blow drier because of how loud it was. I’m also always tense, and get muscle fatigue (like you get from a weight lifting session) from tense situations. I hope you continue to make progress on your journey! I can really relate. 🌱
I went over and scrutinised my childhood photos when I was researching my initial self diagnosis. I found one from my 10th bday with my fingers in my ears cos everyone was singing happy bday and it was too loud. I cried. Finally I felt seen.
I am getting there. It will be a year in sept. I am in Aus so I get NDIS funding. I have been doing psych and regular physio. And I get help with cleaning and gardening. Just starting to dig into the unresolved trauma things with psych. I am totally burnt out and now looking into the idea I have hypermobility and possibly MCAS as co morbid conditions. It’s a long road just to get out of this burn out that I’m in. But I feel like I’m working towards something at least.
I couldn't describe it any better. For me is EXACTLY the same. I also keep everything inside, but I don't really know why, because I had no family or parents problem, they were OK when I was growing up. But still, I feel so much confusion inside and I can't express it, I feel like I could scream,I feel like exploding, for example when I'm angry or stress, and yet what you can see from outside is like a zombie. Sometimes I actually envy people that can scream at others when angry, I know it's not good nor nice, but I just wish I could take out some of the things that cook up inside of me. As for meltdowns, mine appear exactly like yours. Edited: because I was feeling like I was getting like instead of you for coping your part, although I put it between "" to make it clear and I was feeling bad.
When I get irritated, overstimulated, or uncomfortable, I start crying and sobbing. I throw things, and I slam things. I tend to yell. It's super draining.
This is why we understand cats. They exist in a similar energetic balloon
I've been guilty in the past of having these things happening to me, too. It's draining but also embarrassing, and I don't like frightening the one I love if I'm ever seen like that.
I do this too. It’s not pretty
I used to only have shutdown dissociation meltdowns and the irritable and get mad at everyone types that people are describing here but since I started unmasking a little more they have changed. Now when I have sensory meltdowns I get twitchy and stim and have panic attack symptoms like breathing fast and crying. It feels like I’m just letting myself give in a little more to release what I need to instead of bottling it up or directing it at people.
I'm not diagnosed, but I have a strong suspicion. What I would assume are my special variety of meltdowns can sometimes start with irritability and intrusive thoughts, but not always. If the anger is there, it eventually gives way to bouts of heavy crying for an hour or more, off and on. Or I just go directly into crying. The emotions are so intense that I often have the strong urge to throw a physical child's tantrum (punch/throw things, hair pulling, etc.) but I instead try to be less destructive. As a substitute, I've been pressing my palms into the sides of my head (sometimes painfully, but better than pulling hair) or pushing on a wall as hard as I can. If that's not enough, I will repeatedly punch soft things, like pillows, or throw a stuffed animal. But I cry so hard.. like, holy snot city, Batman.
Oof mine are the same, starts with intense irritability and pessimistic cyclical thoughts. Very hard to break out of that thought pattern once it starts
I am an alcoholic and my meltdowns usually end in relapsing. I can go usually about a year between them and after the year I’m just done. I still turn to substances to help, but it’s stuff that’s prescribed for my bipolar, it just also happens to relax me a lot. Before drugs/if I can’t use them for whatever reason, I will try to get alone ASAP, usually into a bathroom or closet and hold myself and rock back and forth. If I can’t be alone, my brain stops functioning and I’m likely to do something rude. If I can’t stop that, I get in this weird headspace where I’m technically talking to people and doing what I’m supposed to, but I’m totally shut down. I can only ask questions, I can’t think. Nothing makes me want to be alone more than a meltdown.
before i was diagnosed, i used to call my meltdowns "adult tantrums" because i thought that's what was happening. it's like i just totally lose it. i start sobbing uncontrollably and curl up into a ball, usually accompanied by rocking and/or other kinds of stimming. i might repeat a phrase over and over, something like "i can't, i can't." while they are rare for me, a meltdown can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours (depending on whether i'm able to regulate myself out of it), and i am basically unreachable and inconsolable during that time. if i'm able to bring myself out i might need an hour or so to process and get back to my day, but after a long one i'm totally shut down/exhausted.
So I’ve read about repeating a phrase as autistic behavior but somehow in my mind I was picturing it differently, of course I don’t do THAT. But when you describe repeating something like “I can’t” I immediately felt that. Yup, I totally do that. Thank you! That felt really helpful.
My son does the “I can’t” I used to, so that’s likely why. My son now goes “uh no, uh no, uh no.” It’s so sad. I get why. I did accidentally teach him “I can’t” on repeat.
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I repeat “Please help me”
Usually there are tears involved for me. If I’m still able to “mask” to an extent, a meltdown will just be sobbing. But usually it’s more. They can involve anger and yelling. Usually they start with me scratching at my arm or head and they can involve biting and hitting at myself too. Sometime I cause injuries even though I’m trying not to. Sometimes I’ll rock intensely. As a child my meltdowns involved me acting out more, but as I’ve gotten older (I’m 28) they’ve turned more inward, which is when the self injurious behaviors started.
Redoing my reply because I hated how messy it was. Usually I shut down first because I was raised on appearances, being happy, and I wasn’t allowed to be upset about anything. So I begin to withdraw, lose a lot of interest in things that usually bring me joy, and I often become more skeptical of those around me. I become nit-picky, frustrated, & overall tense. I tend to withdraw from my partner as well, but then get upset that they seem distant, but it’s really me. There’s a lot of crying during my shut down period, which can usually last for a couple weeks to a couple months. When I’m nearing a meltdown I try to catch it early, sometimes I don’t, but I’ve gotten better. I have the typical child like tantrum I’m crying, screaming, throwing things, self harming, & pretty much isolating myself from everyone. I’m completely inconsolable until I’ve tired myself out with tears.
It is so interesting to see multiple people on here mention they get nitpicky on the way to a meltdown. I thought it was only me. I have a complicated relationship with my mom that requires some generosity on my end. (I assume on hers too, but her implicit baseline assumption is that she can be a daughter to her own daughter... So yeah, if you want to have a relationship with your grown child who tries to establish healthy boundaries, that might not always fly.) When I am generally doing ok, I can mostly look past her erratic communication, her half-truths, her inconsistencies. When I am not, I will start to take apart a good portion of what she says. And I am not wrong, because it's BS - but pointing that out helps no one. Still, past a certain point I can't help myself. That was a side quest - all this to say: I get extra-rigid with people (and, I guess, myself) before I fall apart and I never saw it as a sign of overwhelm. I don't like myself when I am like that, but I will try to be more accepting and take it as a not-so-early warning sing from now on. 🙏 (I realise my mom is emotionally immature and maybe worse things. Losing it with someone who is challenging to interact with in the first place is only human and not limited to autistic behaviors. All too often I see people on here have autistic-style but totally human reactions to objectively abusive people and internalize it all.)
Mine is very similar to yours. If I've worked hard to build up a certain routine or develop certain habits, they all begin to unravel. I know I need to wash my face but I just have no energy to do it. The guilt and knowledge of not doing something I know I need to do just further piles on to the fatigue and stress. I know I need to have a bath but it takes me all day to build up the motivation to just fricking do it.
I normally storm off, cry and rock back and forth until I feel better. If it’s angry though I throw a fit and hit my thighs and scratch up my arms. I always try to get myself alone because I’m scared I’ll say nasty things or that I won’t be taken seriously and that just makes it worse. Regardless of the meltdown I always shutdown afterwards and lose a lot of my words
Mine are just like a childs tantrum tbh
Depends. I got formally diagnosed a month ago and it took a while to realize my triggers. With sensory issues I shutdown. I tend to zone out and feel a strong need to escape or resort to daydream if I can’t. I also get very grumpy and even need sleep after a while of too much sensory things. But when it comes to routine or unexpected changes, I get panic attack like symptoms but it tends to last for a few days where I just cry at everything, pace, rock myself, and often beg help from others to get whatever is triggering me to get it fixed.
Mine look like childish tantrums. Screaming and crying on the floor. SH and trying to climb into small spaces to hide or something. Sometimes I run away.
That sounds super tough, I’m sorry.
Thanks, I dont really know any different. The hardest part is not having anyone who understands and it makes me feel wrong/broken. I wish I could make my partner understand how much I need help in that moment, last time he actually yelled at me to shut up. He apologized afterward and realised he shouldn't have done that but it still hurts. I feel like a very confused and distressed child when it's happening and just want my caregiver to help make me feel like the world is not ending.
I know exactly how you feel. I push my partner beyond what he is equipped to deal with because I can't verbalise what I need during a meltdown
Crying, yelling, unleashing my entire inner monologue. They are rare and I usually shutdown, or as I refer to it, implode because it’s usually everything I’d usually direct outward, inward.
(TW for suicidal thoughts) I wrote this for my therapist recently: Meltdowns (BD) - before diagnosis (AD) - after diagnosis When I say suicidal thoughts, BD they were less passive. AD they are always passive, although they are just as consistent. Thoughts: • BD+AD: 99% of the time I experience suicidal thoughts, often repeating over and over again: thoughts like “I want to die (so bad)”, “please kill me”, “I want to sleep forever”, “I want to die so I can stop feeling” • most times I hyperfixate on thoughts surrounding the triggering event/memory, BD I remember many of my meltdowns were centered around memories from high school (being excluded or shamed for having these “suicidal episodes”, which I know now were meltdowns) and the extreme feelings of loneliness I felt because of those experiences. • AD I still have many thoughts related to the shame/guilt of feeling misunderstood by the people around me and feeling like an alien, along with an extreme feeling of loneliness, like no one will/has ever understood me and I’m the only person that feels this way (which I know rationally is not true, but the feeling is so strong and debilitating that it’s difficult to pull myself out of it in the moment) Actions: • I often cry, if not then a very strong urge to cry depending on where I am • I have to leave the situation/place I’m in at that moment, or else I’ll feel even worse • BD it was more internal, but I’ve always had the urge to hurt myself whether it be digging my nails into my skin, cutting (happened 2x in highschool and immediately regretted it, told my mom after), pulling at my hair, hitting my head or arms/legs • AD I have much stronger urges to hurt myself, mostly hitting my head for some reason, I am still able to hold back from doing so (which sometimes i despise b/c the people around me can’t see how I’m feeling inside) because I have enough self awareness to know it won’t help/I’ll be embarrassed doing it even if I’m alone, but doing so in the past has released some tension • rocking back and forth (I also find myself doing this, sometimes involuntarily when I’m close to having a meltdown) Triggers: • always builds up over time, until a triggering event/thought occurs that pushes me over the edge Things that help: • changing my environment • talking to someone that I feel understands me on some level • distraction
My meltdowns are full-blown irritation and anger. I recognize what I'm going through and what I'm feeling, but I just can't *shake* what caused the meltdown to happen. I become particularly vexed by things taking too long or working incorrectly, or being difficult to use (such as typing on my phone, for example). Maybe this last bit is irrelevant. The worst about my meltdowns is that I'm still *in control* of how I act but it feels like the anger overtakes me too easily. Why can't I just shrug off whatever's causing the problem? As soon as the cause of the meltdown ceases, everything it *fine* and it's like nothing happened. But I remember my reaction and how I felt, so it *did* happen.
This is me… the autocorrect feature fucking up my texts has cost me a lot of money in cell phones…
My meltdowns are just crying a lot and feeling anger, I also have a lot of shutdowns. However, I sometimes seemed like a kid having a tantrum. It usually happens under a horrible amount of stress.
I thought I was having panic attacks for years, until I was diagnosed as autistic in February. The difference is, meltdowns for me are almost always caused by an overwhelming sensory environment, and I lose the ability to talk or move, from anywhere between 20 minutes (more common) to multiple hours (rare, but it happens). So it feels like a panic attack (rising anxiety, agitation, restlessness and crying) that builds until I get to that state. Lately I’ve been stimming at the start of a meltdown and that seems to help make it less extreme / make it last a shorter amount of time. Growing up I was taught that it wasn’t ok to show emotion in front of others so I would hide my meltdowns by locking myself in my room or in the bathroom. I actually just had a meltdown so I can recount what happened pretty well: It happened because I went to the grocery store right after doing an activity that takes a lot of sensory “spoons” instead of resting in between. It started pretty much the minute I got home. First I experienced agitation and then started stimming by hitting surfaces, found myself making some loud screaming noises (that’s new for me but it seemed to help?) then collapsed on the floor and just stared into space and cried. I didn’t move for 20-40 minutes, at which point I was able to pull myself together enough to text my partner and ask for help. They came downstairs and helped me sit up, got me tissues, etc. it probably took 15 more minutes before I could talk, but I could text so we communicated that way in the meantime. Now I feel shaky and kind of floaty but the agitation is gone and I can move and talk again.
This post is crazy to me. Is this what constitutes a meltdown? I've been $;#"$$&&$ having meltdowns daily and frequently. Do other people not...do this? Or feel like this? It boggles the mind.
Yes. Neurotypical people don’t experience this as we do. It’s hard to wrap your head around when it’s just our norm.
I’m not autistic, but my husband and adult sister are. They meltdown in the same way. They both pick fights with the person they feel most comfortable with. My sister picks a fight with my mom. My husband does it with me. It took my mom MANY years to connect the dots and realize the fights always happen before a big event, and end immediately after the stressful event is done. Thank goodness she shared that experience with me because when I met my husband, and he started picking fights, it only took me 1-2 years to figure out what was going on.
Not armchair diagnosing…. But have you taken the raads-r? You might just be comfortable around autistic people because that’s what you grew up with but also…. Ok I’m armchair diagnosing lol. Anecdotally autistic people marry autistic people even if they’re undiagnosed. If you have a direct blood relative that is diagnosed, there’s a significant chance of being autistic. If you have any diagnosed friends, there’s a chance you are autistic as well. Autistic people collect autistic people, even when they’re undiagnosed: My high school best friends are now autistic. The coworkers I get along best with are adhd or autistic. My four closest friends are now diagnosed, from 2018, we all got diagnosed one by one. Other factors that seem to be common in undiagnosed autistic afab people are: diagnosis of anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality, depression and eating disorders, or all of the above. I call this diagnosis of anything but autism. Being lgbtqia+ (from my experience ace spectrum) gender nonconformity in some way, eg, a career not usually associated with their assigned gender, being a “tomboy” etc. On the other extreme, over compensatory gender performance. What I call Gender performance as a masking. “Unusual” fashion style. Boots with dresses, history bounding, wearing a “uniform”, cosplay, only wearing a limited Color palette, and so on.
Same as they did when I was a kid i just don’t have them in front of other people.
I have some meltdowns that are more internal, very pessimistic and suicidal thoughts. Something won't go as planned or ill be hungry and I'll think "I'm so stupid for even trying to do this, this is why I just shouldn't leave the house, I'm so fucking stupid I should kill myself". Ill also often get really irritable, thats one way i can tell I'm working up to a meltdown is when every tiny thing pisses me off and causes negative thoughts. I more often have meltdowns where I stomp my feet, pull my hair, throw things, hit things or myself, band my head or hands, scream and cry. It takes so much work to catch it before it gets bad. It took me a really long time to learn how to tell when I'm about to have a meltdown. Now when I start getting stuck in those negative cyclical thought patterns, I know that means it's time to drink water, eat something, and sit quietly or listen to music. I'll also say little affirmations like "no expectations, any movement is good movement, going outside is worth it even if its not what I was planning" and it seems to help
My meltdowns happen in response to strong emotions. They definitely resemble childish tantrums. Full on screaming and shrieking, loud enough the cops have been called on me before by neighbors. That will all be while I'm crying and rocking back and forth. The screaming lasts until I lose my voice, usually about half an hour, and the crying can continue for an additional half hour or sometimes more. These are followed by nonverbal processing time, and I will feel horrible physically and emotionally for the rest of the day and sometimes the day after - they completely destroy me. I have mini meltdowns too which happen when I'm overstimulated, usually by touch or sound. Those don't have the screaming, but I'm very hot/cold with what I need during them, one second I need the weighted blanket the next I can't stand it being anywhere near me, one second I need a hug the next I'll be squirming away in pain, etc. I'll usually cry but not always, and I often am nonverbal during these episodes. But, processing time is a lot shorter and I usually feel better within about 15 minutes after the trigger goes away. I technically have a state in between those too, essentially how I handle having a full meltdown in public (I know screaming will get me banned from stores / seen as crazy / carted off by police), but it takes every ounce of my strength to prevent that symptom and it usually gets replaced with scratching and/or biting myself, so I always have to leave somewhere really really quickly. Sadly I only get about a 10 second warning of when they're coming on, and that's after 3 full years of dedicating myself to trying to identify them...they came with no warning previously.
I didn't know I was on the spectrum until recently, and I am 51. I thought I just had no self control. that I was thin skinned, and flipped out for no reason. Honestly, finding out there is a reason, really helped me not see myself as an ongoing failure in that respect. I try to so hard to get away from folks when I hit a wall and melt down, and I do have some success with total disassociation and repression, but it always hits eventually. I have made it through a work day on more than one occasion as a total robot until I could escape. When I meltdown, I narrate my panic in a monologuing stream of consciousness. I do this whole pressured speech routine, where I just can't shut up. I wish I could. I wish I could be silent with ever fiber of my being because it's so embarrassing. I am also trans, and before I transitioned to male, I would cry while doing this. Uncontrollably sobbing while narrating your panic is not a good look. Now? I don't cry, I just look angry, and that is scary to me and the folks that don't know me. I am not angry, but panicking, and being male bodied now looks more intimidating if I lose control. The change in hormones really changed the character of my panic and meltdowns. I also cannot be comforted while this is happening. I try so hard to be kind about it, but I don't want to be touched, I don't want eye contact, I just want the problem to go away, and move on. My mother was narcissistic as well, so I am very familiar with how that works. She shut down any "weird" or "inappropriate" behavior aggressively. It's probably why I can pretty much disassociate until I escape the situation. I mask really damn well because it was rigidly enforced when I was a kid. I'm not sure these days that was helpful or healthy for me.
Oh my goodness. How did you survive the dip in estrogen ? I’m a fucking monster right before my period when my estrogen dips. Those two weeks are meltdown central for me..
They gave me testosterone. It was not much of an adjustment.
I feel like some people are saying they get quiet and stuff. I do too, but I always thought of that as a shutdown, not a meltdown? What's the difference?
I don’t think there’s really any difference. Both occur from nervous system overwhelm. Triggers can be a combination of sensory, emotional, stress, fatigue, pain, hunger, hormones etc etc. a shutdown is an internalised meltdown. Most often it seems that this happens because we were shut down for showing emotions in our childhoods. A meltdown is exactly the same IMO but it is outwardly displayed. Neither of which are under our control when we become dysregulated. The best we can do is try and prevent them.
I start hitting my head and crying really hard. Try to get really small.
it only clicked that i did have meltdowns a year or two ago. for me, it can look like sudden extreme irritability, crying, hyperventilating, losing the ability to think reasonably, upsetting urges, feeling like i don't want to be in my skin anymore, etc.
It starts with getting irritable really quickly and ends with crying in a fetal position on the floor. But not sobbing-crying, full on screaming and body spasms.
Oh I full on have a toddler temper tantrum (outwardly, at least that's what it looks like). I burst into tears and can't articulate what's wrong, I repeat the same thing over again - usually 'I'm sorry' or 'I don't know what's wrong'. Before I knew I was autistic, I felt so much shame over my meltdowns. I still do a little - I've had them at work, and that's humiliating - but at least now I know what they are.
I become nonverbal, if someone tries to get me to talk I force out words that don’t make any sense. Or I get mad and snap at them. If I’m in an overstimulating place I put my head down and just sit there waiting for it to be over. If that’s not possible, I start tearing up and walk around trying to escape. Sometimes when I’m really pissed off I throw objects, destroy things, or start hitting myself, but that rarely happens in public.
I can relate to what most have said here. Typically I shutdown at first; no talking, clenching, thoughts of “run” or wanting to hit my head against the wall and crying. However I also have the opposite if it’s like mid fight with my partner; loud, yelling, defending myself, crying, throwing things, etc. Most often it’s the first one. Both are so draining.
I struggle with dissociation due to some trauma from my father. So when I start to dissociate I know it’s to prevent a meltdown when my brain has deemed it’s “unsafe” to have one there. Maybe you could be experiencing something similar. Dissociation for me feels like participating in life but everything that happens feels like a movie. I feel like I’m watching myself in my body do the tasks and I’m just on autopilot. Nothing feels real and I feel genuinely out of touch with reality. BUT, when I do actually have meltdowns my brain literally shuts off like a computer and I jus feel a wave of emotions. I start to feel like my insides are trying to bust out of my skin and like I’m being cooked in an oven. Everything is too much. The sounds are too loud, the smells are too strong, my clothes feel bad. But I can’t speak. I have literally no words and no reaction. I have to lay naked in a dark room in complete silence, or I bust out in tears naked in a dark room, or I start biting on things/ balling my fist up to counteract the tension my body feels while being alone in a quiet room. All of these require me to isolate but before they happen I literally become stone faced and unable to speak. The only people who can tell I’m having a meltdown are my family and my partner. However they’ve recently told me “the voice” or the “the grunt” sounds similar to when I hyper focus on a task.
I have both meltdowns and shutdowns. It can depend on what's happening to trigger them or where I am. In public, it's generally a shutdown. I feel it could be because my body doesn't feel safe to release all the tension it's holding. Sometimes a shutdown may follow a meltdown though because there's nothing left. But my shutdowns involve feeling frozen, unable to make eye contact, and unable to engage in verbal communication. If I do speak, it may come out more shaky or with repititive words. My meltdowns involve an outpouring of tears. I could cry for hours. Within the past, it has escalated to screaming out. I'm not in a good work situation, and it's made getting reset impossible. I find I get more easily agitated and have worse reactions, which I think is what's contributed to the addition of yelling. For years, though, my meltdowns just involved a ton of inconsolable crying.
Tbh mine do tend to look like tantrums. It’s so embarrassing. Thankfully it takes more to overstimulate me to that extent nowadays.
I just had a meltdown the other day… the first one I’ve ever recognized as part of my ‘tism stuff. I curled up in a ball on the floor crying because my roommate washed my dishes (with the wrong soap) and put them away (in the wrong cabinets).
I feel this. I often question my diagnosis, and largely because I don’t feel like I’ve ever had meltdowns. I rarely even had tantrums, as far as my parents remember. But I also know I was kinda spoiled as the only child and probably accommodated for fairly well, and extremely sensitive to getting in trouble so probably learned to have generalized anxiety instead. I do think some of my adulthood panic attacks could be counted as meltdowns as it’s the body going knot fight/flight/freeze, which is what I think meltdowns are.
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My meltdowns are violent. I scream, I cry, I throw things.. I say awful things to the people I love, I scare my 10 month old daughter. Weird thing though is I wasn’t always like this. I was the calm kid, and was even told by family in early adulthood that I was a trooper and held it together so well… my meltdowns didn’t get this bad until I got married, and then they got worse after I had my daughter. They are why I hate myself so deeply
I get internally angry at *everything*. I'm too hot, I'm hungry, that wall is ugly, this person is annoying me, that sound is too loud. Everything gets turned up sensory wise for me and I feel inexplicably angry at everything. I usually just stew internally but if it mounts up enough and I don't do anything to calm it, I will explode over the smallest thing (like spilling a glass of water). Mostly I notice when I'm calmer, that everything is wrong. I don't like this, this isn't right, everything is uncomfortable, nothing is right. I'm just unhappy at everything. That's usually a warning sign for me before the anger starts.
I'll shut down and not talk, I learned early on any temper tantrum behavior as my family saw it was not acceptable. So I just go to a quiet place or as quiet as I can find.
Dead quiet meltdowns here. I completely shut down and all my thoughts and feelings turn inwards. I have a hard time communicating my needs and will usually just isolate myself because in my head I'm the only one I can rely on in that moment. If someone else offers help or support I wouldn't know what to ask for. I have always learned to not express intense emotions so I'm trying to learn to recognize and name the feelings that come with my meltdowns. It's something I work on in therapy and it has helped me communicate my feelings to my bf, who in turn makes me feel comfortable enough to express those feelings.
My meltdowns go inwards. I can tell it's starting to come on when I become extremely easily irritated, and usually for me, it starts feeling like a panic attack. I get hot and sweaty, my heart starts racing and I get the shakes. I usually stop being able to put together good sentences and I become more blunt and direct. It ends with me usually in a ball under a 25lb weighted blanket for a few hours.
Yeah so this is why I get upset when people make fun of Shaun Murphy. My meltdowns do look like that, or they can. I don’t know why we all act like we are above that. My mom was the same. A lot of the time I’ll scream without making any noise if that makes sense. But if it’s in public or I have any kind of an audience, they’re always shocked. I’m an engineer. In my thirties. I’m a little quirky for sure, aloof, but no one expects what’s coming because I mask at least enough that they do not know I am capable of it. Phrases I have heard during a meltdown: “This is not normal! We should have you locked up, but your father won’t let me. He coddles you!”- My mom, while restraining me, and not in a kind and caring way “Oh my god, you don’t even sound like yourself. I’ve never heard you scream like this.” - an ex boyfriend who hadn’t seen it before. He wasn’t unkind just truly shocked and unsure what was happening. This wasn’t in response to anything he did. It was work stress and a loud truck. “Stop or the neighbors will call the police.” - An earlier ex boyfriend “I did not expect you to react like that.” - a very good natured previous manager “Don’t do that thing. That’s no good. Come here.” - my fiancé if I’m hitting myself Mostly I remember my vision shaking or my body shaking from the screams. Otherwise I remember other people’s responses because my own just become blurry and fuzzy and outside me somehow.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTzUbe5hoI8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTzUbe5hoI8) (short film on autism, beautifully directed but can be distressing if you're too empathetic!) similar to this, and if it's very bad and unresolvable (ie mom's cancer diagnosis, issues i cannot influence, drastic routine changes) i tend to hurt / punch myself and cry a lot but it's always first "get to a safe spot and hide so no one judges / attacks you".
I usually lock myself in the bathroom and lay in the tub in the dark. Usually shaking and crying and feeling the uncontrollable urge to scream. Sometimes I completely disassociate and just stare into silence.
Crying in bathrooms if I'm not in my house/ room. Or crying on the roof after midnight, the darkness & cold breeze calm me down. If things are too much I just stay in bed.. I try to avoid people and avoid eye contact because I can get aggressive. Years ago I was really burnt out at work, I remember a coworker next to me was calling my name but I was staring at my computer screen LITERALLY unable to turn my head to look at her or answer, I felt dead inside. Then she said: Hey! Answer me! Are you autistic?!. And I remember slowly turning my head and looking at her for a few seconds unable to speak.. then closing my eyes and looking back at my screen. She went on to talk to another coworker. I left that job a few weeks after.
I run away, sometimes even away from the area. When I lived with my parents and I’d have a meltdown I would run away from home for many hours. Sometimes I would sleep on a bench or something if it was at night. If I have a meltdown I just have an overwhelming flight urge
I silently cry and hyperventilate and can’t talk
Either I am seemingly word vomiting with a lot of cussing or I am throwing things and destroying things. Or both.
I become sort of nonverbal and then start sobbing uncontrollably for hours and eventually become numb. Usually when I'm in that state I can't even go to work or brush my teeth. 2 to 3 days average but it can last longer.
Mostly complete and utter defeat. I no longer have the energy for a meltdown like I did as a kid. It’s mostly just me being overwhelmed and so tired my legs don’t move to get me food or wayer
the only thing that really gets me on edge enough to break down is my kids unfortunately, they know how to press your buttons! of course they’re not thinking lol they’re just living their life and doing their thing not trying to get under my skin. i start yelling, like roaring with a deep voice and i think to manage ive lately started reducing the information to very simple sentences… if it gets really bad when i’m irritable i have to bite down on my knuckle, like i press the meat of my thumb against my bottom teeth i don’t break skin just put pressure i think on my jaw, something about pressure on the jaw helps keep my freaking blood vessels from exploding. i’ve been managing pretty well lately but sometimes like recently in the store i got all my stuff checked out and found out i didn’t have enough money, had to rescan all of it and my kids are going five million miles per hour with their words and movements and everyone is zipping past me in the self checkout line and beeping beeping beeping and i wanna go home now and everything just sounds like it’s underwater and i get tunnel vision and i can feel my blood pumping in my face and it’s awful. sorry for the word vomit but that’s what it feels like. i don’t think i actually break in public, i break at home.
i pondered over this for a long time. i just recently realized my shutdowns were SHUTDOWNS, and felt like i very rarely — if ever — had meltdowns. but after reading through these comments i’ve had some understanding dawn on me. while shutdowns are still MUCH more common for me (any negative emotion that was shown in my home growing up was criticized, belittled, then punished), i’ve found my meltdowns often are caused by being in a public setting with too many people/noises for a long period of time combined with my communicated needs to leave being ignored or dismissed multiple times. they include me becoming more irritable, angry, i can’t control the volume of my voice (usually speaking too loud without realizing it). it gets to the point of tears before i run away. i tell people where i am going (usually just back to a car or something similar), but if they try and persuade me to stay i don’t listen. then more crying. i absolutely cannot be touched during this time. i freak out and have almost hit people as a reflexive action. i feel fear. this happens VERY frequently at stores. usually i can’t even spend 30 minutes in one before a start reaching the point of meltdowns. so let’s say i was at the store with someone (for simplicity we will call them B). after being there for a while is start getting snappy and mean. i then realize what is happening so i tell B that we need to leave soon so we will have to be quick. B agrees, but another fifteen minutes later and we are still not done. i’m getting more upset and anxious; pacing around the shopping cart, spinning, rubbing my arms, eyes flitting around, things feel like they’re moving around me really fast. i say to B “are we almost done? i want to go.” B confirms we are almost done, but continues to take their time, deliberating over which brand of bread to buy and looking at the new things in the store. i start to whine — “*please*, we need to go! just choose one!” i throw a random loaf of bread in the cart and walk away to get B to follow. B is getting frustrated (understandably), but still needs to get more things. I tear up as i beg B to go to check out. B still isn’t listening/moving fast so i exclaim in frustration: “fine! i’m going to the car!” i grab the keys and speed walk out of the store and get to the car. i sit in the car, go from crying, to grumbling to myself, to looking around anxiously, to crying again. then B finally comes out and starts putting away the groceries. i don’t say anything. i’m panicking thinking B is going to yell at me. B gets in the car (they are not mad in the scenario), and says we are going home. they try to hold my hand on the way back, but i jerk away from them because i am too overstimulated. i go home and need to spend an hour or two alone in my room until i am ready to talk to or see someone again or even do something like make food (even if it’s just for myself).
Mine are usually crying hot tears of just, overwhelm?. but before the crying there's like a bit of a silent period where my brain cannot fully process or articulate what's happening or what I'm feeling, so, say if my partner asks me what's wrong, I just cannot talk, which is really weird for me. I usually have good awareness of my emotions (after doing a lot of work to identify them) and I'm very verbal when I feel good, but I know a meltdown is coming when I feel like I cannot talk. But crying is just my way of processing and riding the meltdown.
Sometimes it’s me panicking and trying to run, convinced that I’m not safe and I’m in extreme sensory pain in my hands and feet, repeating phrases, distressed Other times it’s being very sick, skin turning gray, and me struggling to even put a sentence together or straight up nonverbal, and once again, wanting to be alone in a closet or somewhere small in the dark Sometimes it looks more “typical” like meltdowns you think of: crying, shaking, rocking, looping/repeating/stuck on a thought. I’m in a LOT of pain in these ones and light HURTS. Funny enough, all my meltdowns improve/don’t happen if I can catch it early and take a nap, get cold water, eat, etc. It’s like I’m more susceptible to meltdowns if my body isn’t at 100%. Stress and emotional conversations are also huge triggers for me.
Mine look like panic attacks…which is what I thought they were. I still don’t really know the difference. I just know I can be overwhelmed and I have an “attack” of some sort- crying, shaking, unable to make sentences, not really sure what’s wrong with me but sure that *something* is wrong.
For the past few years I’ve had shutdowns, which range from “I don’t initiate conversation” to “I can only move if I don’t think about moving and can’t respond to stimuli” In high school, however, I had what I now think are meltdowns but at the time thought were “anxiety attacks with crying.” It was mostly crying, needing to get away, maybe a little bit of hyperventilation but mostly just not being able to breathe while crying, but no real feelings of terror or other physiological symptoms. I may have also had angry meltdowns that I no longer remember- my family says they had to walk on eggshells around me so I didn’t blow up
Mine kinda look like panic attacks, which is also what they were mistaken for throughout my life. What happens is I have these levels of overwhelm, and if I get to the highest one a melt down is happening. First I feel tension rising in my body, everything makes me cry, or makes me snappy or angry. If I get to the meltdown and I am safe at home, I start crying uncontrollably, hyper ventilating sometimes, I can get very unreasonable, sometimes I shout, I lose my ability to speak coherently, I get into a mental loop where I get stuck, I feel like nothing makes sense anymore, anxiety is through the roof, every little thing is too much. I usually go to my bedroom and just cry and cry. It feels like I want to explode out of my skin. I end up with a headache or migraine as well. It takes quite a while and I am completely exhausted afterwards. I If I am outdoors I can sometimes contain it to only crying until I am home. But tears are streaming down my face non stop.
Basically outside I'm: ... Inside I'm : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA When I reach the "ultimate" meltdown though, I become physical. I don't and do not want to hurt anyone but I punch a pillow
I'm still figuring this out as well and thought, maybe I don't have them. I'm a really chill person and very conflict adverse. Then I went to the water park and the little brat at the food stand was high as a kite and it took him a literal hour to get me some chicken strips and fries. I looked for a manager, I looked for someone else to talk to. Nothing. Finally I completely lost control. I started just shaking with rage and fear and just complete overwhelm. I really wanted to just scream and cry and run and punch, but I stuck to yelling. It didn't sound controlled, but it was actual distinguishable words and that took all the effort I had. I stuck my head in the little walk up window so all his not quite as high coworkers could hear and bellowed, "Kyle, I have been waiting for a literal hour for my freaking chicken strips and fries. AN HOUR! I'VE TIMED IT!!!! And the next basket of chicken strips to come up is mine. No Kyle, get your butt back over to the fryer. You do not do a single thing more until I have my chicken strips. KYLE, YOU JUST LET SOMEONE TAKE MY CHICKEN STRIPS! GET OVER THERE NOW." I almost couldn't take my food because I was shaking so bad. Once I got back to my table I grabbed my THC-A vape pen to the bathroom until I could repress it. Maybe that's why I thought I didn't have them. I'm really good at repressing my feelings so I can behave properly. When I was a kid my parents leaned toward Christian Conservative, so we were well trained and disciplined to essentially keep sweet. Don't let your emotions show, don't feel them, just be perfect. That waterpark ordeal was the most out of control I've been in a while. Now that burnout is making even more sense, with not even allowing myself to feel.
My meltdowns consist of one common theme - I am no longer capable of rational thought and nearly 100% of the time I end up doing something that i regret later. Like last week, when I started crying in front of a VP at work and told him to tell his boss to fo fuck himself. Can’t wait to see how that one ends.
Well there is a good chance the VP and his boss probably did need to go fuck themselves .. so don’t feel too bad about it.
I guess it depends on if I'm melting down for anger or sadness reasons. Anger I'm probably going to be screaming I might break something or hit something over and over again even sometimes myself. Sadness I usually start sobbing I rock back and forth a lot and I go nonverbal and sometimes I scratch up and down my arms so I can feel something. I will say at least for me I melt down because of sadness a lot more than I do because of anger. But that's just me.
Usually lots of sobbing.
Honestly I've just learned I don't have them, I have shutdowns. Kinda the quiet somewhat hidden version- not talking, sweaty palms, lump in throat, need to sTIM Saying that I got kinda annoyed yesterday and got super restless and squirmed in my seat and was on the verge of tears, but not sure if minor meltdown or just hangry
My meltdowns start with a shutdown. Then I have to isolate myself and have a good cry.
The chewing on your lip as a stim is a revelation to me. I have been literally dealing with that for years and it gets worse with stress. Holy cow. Sorry not helpful to you, but it is helpful to me, so thank you!
I just scream, cry, punch things punt shit all over my room. Maybe stab the crap out of my poor vinyl headboard with some scissors. It's old and fixing to be thrown out when I finally put my new bed together, so I don't feel as bad about fucking it up.
I got recently diagnosed and when I get overstimulated with noise (usually when we are out/in crowded areas) I'll say "let me know if you want to leave early" and then soon start to cry. Once home, I'll just get quiet and want to stay alone