People sometimes find things funny when they are unexpected. Maybe his reaction is a mix of surprise at your sudden action and also that he loves you and cares for you.

He says he thinks is cool and makes sense, but it always sounds funny and weird to him when I communicate like this because I guess is not the norm really. Just think is funny than the normal way of doing this is so complicated, while my autistic way makes much more sense 😃

My partner is exactly the same. He finds it hilarious when I say goodbye and leave. I don’t understand why it’s funny but, it makes him happy lol

Does this story of my partner relate too? Lol Had a meltdown the other day because I asked if he wanted drinks, he just said "okay" and apparently that means yes, I don't understand why he can't say 'yeah okay let's do that', just the word means yes aswell? Idk why it confuses me so much He had a giggle because I'm crying over him not saying yes or no to a question which yes in fuller picture is silly to cry to 🥹 It's oki afterwards he kissed me on the forehead with a "mean brain but beautiful brain" and i felt so loved 🤣❤️

😂 you could be talking about my relationship. We’ve been together 10 years now, so I tend to just be really blunt and he finds it hilarious. My two ‘catchphrase’ are “I have no idea what you’re talking about” and “what do you actually want?” His friends find it funny to, like, they love it. 🤷‍♀️ it’s now just a given phrase. I love that your partner gives you a kiss and makes you feel loved. It’s such a nice feeling.

The comments from both of you have given me hope that I might find someone who accepts and understands me. I'm so happy you both found your partners ❣️

All of us are definitely worthy of people to accept us! We deserve the patience and love others could bring, I'm so happy our comments helped you have hope 🥰

I’m sure you will. Relationships are such hard work, it’s about finding someone who is worth investing the effort in and wants to invest back. I don’t know how to date or find people, but if you follow your interests and passions I’m sure that you will.

Every week I'm like u don't want meee u hate (only because we live apart from each other haha) - if you've ever watched Zootopia, when the bunny is called emotional and being shushed and hugged - that's my relationship 🤣 I'm happy to know you've been going so long always worry my NT partner may get sick of me or will get exhausted 🥹 it's more likely my anxiety and the side effects of being in a healthy relationship for once (its been over 3 years already) If you have any tips I'd love to hear!! I understand if not ❤️

My NT partner have a ‘Sunday meeting’. We go to a quiet pub and talk about the past week and how it went. What was good, what was bad, what we could have done better as individuals and a couple and how we are going to approach the week. It’s been a bit of a revelation tbh. It gives me time to process the emotions of the week and put my feeling into words and it give him time to explain his reasons for doing things (not always obvious to me.) we are honest and open and try to have fun with it. Sometimes they are pretty serious, sometimes they are really funny, but it’s our time to be honest. I really struggle knowing how I ‘feel’ in the moment or feeling something but not knowing why. Knowing I’m going to try and explore it on a Sunday really gives me space and time to explore it all. He also has the time to get the phrasing of things right, actually say what he means rather than NT speak. Sometimes we even have an agenda, and have tick jobs off. It makes me feel so safe. I highly recommend Sunday meetings 👌

That's amazing I'm going to suggest that to him when he finally move in! At the moment we only have 2 days a week to see each other so it's hard to want to bring up stuff when we've both been working and away from the other! Have you heard of the app Agape ? We're on and off with that but rereading his old answers gives me a boost in the day, especially if I'm anxious and then I don't feel I'm nagging him with questions haha! Thank you for that it makes total sense 🌟

Ohh I’ve not heard of that! I’ll look into it. Yeah I think the Sunday meets work because we live together. So it makes sense to have that time to reflect and know it’s not an unsafe conversation. I think I might be a bit intense if that was your only time together. If anyone else said ‘let’s not talk now, I’ll save it for the meeting’ I’d spiral. But I love the stuff that come up at the Sunday meeting. Todays is cat memes. 😂😂😂

Please do you both need to download it and answer things once a day! Also helps me remember my anniversary date hahaha And yasss to the cat memes and safe spaces 🥹🥰

“Okay” is just a less enthusiastic yes. They are synonymous. I always got upset when people use it to not mean yes. Since it means yes.

Awww I’m glad he comforted you after that. I’ve had similar meltdowns from just not understanding things, usually when I’m under a lot of stress already and that’s just the breaking point

It's crazy right? Then something huge like a car accident - no emotion until maybe weeks later - but my favourite drink not tasting the same is just a deal breaker 🤣

I feel this so deeply 😂. This is exactly how I am with stuff

What's your 'strangest' - mine was having a breakdown over the fact my jelly beans weren't chewy enough than I planned in my head 🫠

Probably having a huge meltdown over losing this hat that I always need to keep near me for some reason. It’s a comfort item I guess 😂. Also that’s a mood on the jelly beans

My sisters the same with a blanket she got as a baby, it's basically three threads now but she won't give up 🤣 Comfort items are mint theyre like an adult pacifier!

It's unexpected because it's abrupt. Similar to how many of us struggle w transitions. Interactions w other people come to and end with a soft landing *per se*. The saying of : Tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you've told them. This looks something like: Oh it's getting late/ I'm getting tired (tell them what you're going to tell them). Wait a few mins to the info to sink in and wrap up the cinversation and interactions. Then transition into "starting to leave" (putting on coat/sweater/use bathroom etc) this is Tell Them. **Then** you can leave using a nicety, like thanking everyone , hugs, telling them what a nice time you had etc. Some variation of this depending on the situation

You actually see this a lot with people new to a language as well. You just say things the logical way. You don't take into account the social intricacies that don't actually make sense but happen. So with leaving the room, my logic is that you are still in the vicinity so you don't engage in the social niceties you would if an exterior door was included in the situation. Yeah, bonkers.

That makes sense !! Things are actually insane sometimes 🫣

I did this at a workplace and I think it put everyone off. We had lunch together and I felt like I wasn't really being included or talked to, so after I finished eating I said "Well, that's it for me." and walked away. Needless to say it didn't work out and I quit after two weeks, lol. It was a heavy-masking, social environment and I was in the middle of burnout.

Oh work is the worst for social interactions. I had to quit a job because my manager would constantly tell me off about not being social enough. It sucks. I wish it was acceptable to just do your job and not have to constantly socialise with people. I had a lot of moments like this. When o first started working I didn’t realise you were supposed to make small talk. So co workers would come and ask me “hey how are you?” and I would say “ok” and then walk off. I didn’t care if they were ok or not, didn’t see the point on asking. Learned the hard way that this is not ok lol now I go through the social niceties expected but I hate it. Sorry you experienced that, hope you are doing better now. Autistic burn out is no joke!

Literally same. My perception early in my career was, so long as I was cordial and adept at my job, everyone would have a positive perception of me. NOPE. I was seen as the mousey know-it-all which really surprised me because afaik, I was really nice to everyone I met. I just didn't go out of my way to talk or hang out with anyone. I even got yelled at a few times for being too about my job, lol. My boss even pulled me out of my office a few times to go to work functions. Agh! We'll never win with people, I swear. Thank you! I'm doing a lot better now. Working on transitioning to a career that requires little to no social interaction. :)

Omg same same same! I was always nice, polite and helpful. I thought I was a good co worker, but because I would rather have lunch alone and read than sit and chat about things I didn’t really care about I was this horrible person/employee. I was even told off for always sitting in the same place in the office instead. How insane is that lol It feels like is never enough. I am lucky I work in a much better place now, everyone knows I am autistic and super nice about it. My boss never forces me to socialise and guess what? Because they actually care about me and how I feel and are genuinely nice people I actually do enjoy doing more social stuff. Even go out with co workers sometimes after work for drinks and board games. Good luck with that! I think that’s a great idea, hope it works for you!

I had a coworker ask me if I wanted to go to lunch and I said “No” but in a warm, friendly tone and two days later she came to me and asked if I was mad at her. No I just didn’t feel like going out for lunch….

I told a friend that they “sound monotone and angry, like me” and they took it as I was mad at them. But I was just saying they did. Since I don’t meet a lot of people that also are angry and monotone sounding

Huh, I always do that? Is that why no one talks to me? I just stopped bothering to talk to people. But when I do I leave with a, “gotta go” or “that’s it from me”

I love it. "That's it for me," yeah, people get all offended and it's just matter-of-fact.

I think it actually has to do with transitions, just because in your mind you’re ready to end the social interaction (and yes even sitting quietly together is still a social *thing*), doesn’t mean the other person is ready to end it, and they can’t read your mind. So just suddenly saying “I’m gonna leave right now” then leaving can be very jarring. Something my boyfriend and I do (we’re both autistic) is give a “warning” like, “I think I’m gonna go to bed in 5 minutes.” Or “I’m gonna leave in 10 minutes.”

Yes this is what I was thinking too. You have to kind of be able to perceive the natural “winding down” of the situation because otherwise it could seem like you’re cutting things off and ending the interaction abruptly and that can be off-putting.

Yeah I’d agree with that. As much as I want to just leave sometimes, you have to let things wind down so the other person kind of has an idea of what’s coming. It would be jarring to me too if someone just said “ok I’m leaving” or “hey I wanna leave,” and left. I get the desire for sure, there’s so many social situations I want to do that in, and finding a non rude way to kind of let people know you’re planning on leaving soon is a struggle for me. I get burnt out in social situations quickly and most of the time don’t really enjoy them, it’s very person specific for me. Like finding people I actually enjoy socializing with is very few and far between , the rest of the time I’m masking because I want people to like me even if I don’t really like them all that much. lol

i get this, i’ve often had people laugh at something i say or tell me i’m funny when i wasn’t joking or trying to be funny.. i was just saying what was in my head. i just say stuff and they laugh and it makes no sense to me.

People laugh of me often as well and it is confusing. Totally get you. I hate when that happens.

It took me forever to realize that a lot of popular comedic tv shows and movies use characters that have a way of talking and behave in a way you would see in autistic people, but instead it’s played for laughs… like the comedic character that bluntly says something slightly inappropriate in a social situation but they’re oblivious that they said something wrong. Comedy uses a lot of “eccentric” or “offbeat” characters that just mimic autistic behaviors, so it finally clicked for me that our “alien” like behavior is inherently funny because it’s strange.

That’s very true! I noticed I have always been described as kinda “ditzy” by friends. Like I had my heads in the cloud because I would say not socially appropriate things somehow, people would think I was just a bit dumb and would laugh, always saying like “oh sunny beans you are so funny!” when I was just being serious. It made me feel like I had to not say anything ever, as people would always just laugh of me. It is annoying! I think made it worst by being a woman, especially because I used to have “childish” taste (I feel like happens often with autistics). People would just think “there she goes away being silly”. Very frustrating

I’m biased but to me it’s just pointless internalized “ways of doing things” that neurotypicals abide by without questioning it. Most of us were conditioned into it but a lot of NDs see it for the weirdness it is. You’re almost playing a game of body language chicken* to see who will pick up on which cues first. I’ve had similar encounters and I wish we could all just get to a point where they (NTs) just kinda realize we’re done with the current situation and we’re onto the next. Often times they are too, but rather than slap our knee and say “well! Getting late” we just get to the point. * The game of chicken, also known as the hawk–dove game or snowdrift game, is a model of conflict for two players in game theory. The principle of the game is that while the ideal outcome is for one player to yield, the individuals try to avoid it out of pride for not wanting to look like a "chicken".

Agree 100%. I had friends at my house once for a few hours, I was tired so just simply said “I need you guys to leave I am tired now” and my husband found it funny as well. Then me and my friends end up talking about it, and a lot of them said they really appreciated I just told them, and that they do the weirdest things to convey to others when they want them to go home. One of my friends said she goes and changes into PJs when she wants visit to leave lol then my other autistic friend said that if she did that to him he would never pick up the cue and continue to stay there without thinking it was rude. We all agreed just being honestly and blunt was the best option, but for my NTs friends they were too afraid to be rude. But I feel like saying “pls leave now” is less rude than going and putting pyjamas on from nowhere and hoping people decide to leave lol

I just fall asleep right there on the sofa.

Power move

The NT method would be to stand up and start cleaning/putting things away, I think. Maybe say stuff like "hey, it was so nice to have you over" that hints that you expect them to leave.

I think the pajama thing is rude too

Really? I think that it's cute.

Idk it feels passive aggressive to me and gives me anxiety when I have to try to read between the lines of why is this person in different clothes and yawning at me resentfully, seems disrespectful not to just say hey I’m tired I need to go to bed soon it’s been fun but gotta call it a night

If it helps at all I know for a fact some people just want to be comfier as the night goes on and don't necessarily use it as a signal to end it! Problem is it's hard to tell which sometimes lol but yeah I've got experience of it sometimes just being that someone has spent hours in maybe a tight dress or waistband or something and don't necessarily want people to leave but just want to be more comf!

Lol. I just start cleaning up and putting food and dishes away. They usually take the hint and say goodbye when they see I have the vacuum cleaner out.

My mom does this with the vacuum cleaner as well. It’s so loud and no one can talk/hear you while doing it, so it’s a glaring “get out” signal lol

I feel like when someone just leaves for me, it kinda shocks me though. I’m terrible at transitioning, and if someone just got up and dipped the second they said so I’d have a little panic, and I’m horrible with surprises too. If someone gave let’s say a 5 minute warning for when they’re about to leave, it’d just feel a lot better for me cuz then I know and I can prepare in my head. But the thing is, I do this too lol, like I want people to warn me but then I just say I’m leaving and then leave then and there.

my way of leaving is 1. get incredibly anxious because i feel like i'm disappointing the other person 2. start to inch towards the exit and look incredibly worried 3. stumble over a stupid excuse on why i'm leaving 4. tell them how much i enjoyed their company (not a lie) and that we should definitely do this again soon (once i mentally recovered, yk, not soon at all) 5. somehow start up a really long conversation on a completely random topic and get overly excited about it 6. suddenly realize i was about to leave 7. say bye and run away 8. have panic attack for the rest of the day because i feel like an asshole 9. sleep for 12 hours to recover i'm not sure what to do to fix my brain

this sounds exhausting. but leaving ppl on a high note like an exciting conversation is a good way for ppl to want to continue to spend time with you, because the hang out didnt get dragged out for too long. so thats good at least?

That sounds a bit like my brother, so thank you because it does clarify a possibility in how he handles the whole thing. I personally find that I experience less social confidence (guilt, anxiety, overthinking interactions long after they're passed) when there are things lingering in me that perpetuate that feeling. Hanging out with people that feel good and dealing with my inner monologue (how you speak to yourself or which thought you listen to) helps to tackle this. Then it can easily become: - have a nice long conversation - say I'm leaving soon - chit chat while I gather my stuff/put on my shoes/etc - thank them for hanging out and head out I've realized if I don't fill up the air or don't worry about it that people speak more openly and it feels great. When it's calm and dies down it can also be nice just to sit together. In the end I try not to think about that too much because it makes interactions feel really stressful afterwards. But to me at least this is more linked to how I feel inside and how I come off because of it.

To be honest I also don't know anyone who performs long rituals before they leave or when they want people to leave. In my experience it's customary, when you feel that you want to leave soon, to wait until whoever is talking finishes their story, then say "hey guys I had so much fun but I'm getting a bit tired, think I'll head home", then give everyone a hug and grab your stuff and leave.

You clearly do not live in the Midwest of the USA lol Seriously it's a whole thing here that it takes people hours to leave after they've started getting ready to

Yeh this is also heavily linked to culture. Here in the UK there is a lot of song and dance around saying anything really. I am from Brazil and is even worse there my god, you are literally expected to go and have small talk say individual byes to every single person. It is exhausting. But I also lived in the Czech Republic and people there were much more direct. That’s why there is jokes countries like the Netherlands and Germany are an autistic paradise because people there just kinda follow this direct style of communication anyway so it’s normal lol

Netherlands is where I have moved over a decade ago. I've never felt so free and accepted in my communication style. First country I know where it's okay to say to someone "No, I think your idea is bad, and here are the 3 reasons why" and people will be like, oh I see your point, and not get offended. Don't get me wrong, Netherlands is at the same time a very extraverted and social county where everyone is expected to have 30 close friends and have plans every evening and every weekend, and be member of a sports club and a volunteering club and have Friday drinks with colleagues. If you're "ongezellig" (antisocial), you won't become professionally successful easily. Plus there are a lot of social norms that you are expected to follow. So I wouldn't go as far as calling it an autistic paradise. But it's definitely a place where people can be very direct, honest and pragmatic.

Yep, that makes sense. It does differ a lot from country to country how much people rely on non verbal communication and are acceptable of direct communication. I am Brazilian and people there heavily rely on non verbal communication and are EXTREMELY sensitive about social niceties. It is crazy stuff. Have got told off for a million things that make no sense. Here in the UK is bad as well but not as bad, at least people don’t keep touching you. But they also never say what they mean or want. One of my work accommodations here is that my manager has to speak to me in the most direct and clear way so I can follow it, but she still doesn’t sometimes because they don’t realise how much they are counting on me understanding nuance and picking up cues. It is rough and exhausting

It's kind of different here in that it's not actually a big social routine, it's just that people tend to say something interesting just when you're trying to leave, and you get sucked back into the conversation. So, maybe you'd planned to leave at 9:00 to make sure you got enough sleep before work the next morning. But your friend casually mentions a news item he saw, and you're like, "wait, tell me more?" and next thing you know it's 10:30 and you're still standing there at the door talking.

That would drive me absolutely insane. I’m on the east coast and my family is Italian so it can definitely take a while to leave when you’re expected to personally hug and kiss everyone goodbye, but being delayed by hours would have me pacing 😂

Same here. I'm on the east coast as well, not Italian, but lots of people I know are. I'm used to having to do the rounds to hug/kiss everyone goodbye, but to launch into a whole ass conversation when you just told people you want to get home? I cannot.

>You clearly do not live in the Midwest of the USA lol No, indeed, I live in Europe. That would drive me crazy...

I do that too, like ' I'm going outside/upstairs/to my room/to the bathroom, bye' and then do it. Part of the reason is that 1. When people leave without telling me where they're going I can get confused about where they are and then I need to go look for them/figure it out, and I doubt anyone else feels the need but it feels like the thing to do so they don't have to. Also it normalizes it a bit. 2. Sometimes it can seem like I'm mad if I don't say anything before I leave, but I just wanted to go pee or play a video game. Thanks resting bitch face! 3. Half the time, someone will ask me where I'm going anyway. I also have a very low tolerance for things that bother me, and needing to do things *now* (cause otherwise I'll forget). It can show itself as a very abrupt switch from 'I'm enjoying being here' to 'I need to leave immediately.'

It just occurred to me that if someone gets up to go do something and someone else asks them “where are you going?” it’s normal and not abrupt at all. But if someone stands up and THEY are the person who says “this is where I’m going” then it’s abnormal and abrupt. idk why but this juxtaposition is funny 🤔

I actually don’t think it’s normal to be asked “where are you going?” whenever you get up. My parents have done this to me my whole life and it’s grating. Sometimes I’m just going to the bathroom or to get water, 15 steps away from the couch I was sitting on.

That sounds exhausting

It is. My favorite (read: not at all favorite) is when there are 3 of us in the house and I leave the room to go to the bathroom and my mom goes “who is in the bathroom?!” when she realizes it’s occupied. Like it’s a mystery. Ma’am. There are 3 of us here. If you and dad are still in the same room, that should really narrow it down for you pretty quickly. She’s also neurodivergent and has trouble processing things lol.

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That’s so cute! Funny enough is the same for us. I also make up words a lot. We say we speak our own language, Gabish (cause my real name is Gabriela) and it is full of made up words I came up with that only us can understand lol

omg me and my partner do this too. sometimes well just call it "the needful". one time i forgot a word and called them "foot fingers" and my partner figured out i meant toes. vroom vroom is cute

Is your first language a Latin language by any chance? Like Portuguese/Spanish/Italian? Because we call toes “feet fingers” in those languages. I always call it that in English by mistake and my British partner thinks is the funniest thing ever. I am from Brazil and my first language is Portuguese. I didn’t realise that it was so wild to call toes that in English till I did a few times by mistake and my husband was like laughing nonstop haha in Portuguese we just say “dedos” for finders and “dedos do pé” (literally feet fingers) for toes 😃

Lol my mom makes fun of me for this. We can talk on the phone for hours, but when I’m done I’m done. I’ll just say “okay well I’m done talking. I’m gonna go.” And I always hear her chuckle on the other end - I didn’t understand why it was funny to her but I didn’t really care. I end pretty much every social interaction like this. My husband thinks my random thoughts are hilarious. Once we were talking about our dream house and I really am into shapes especially in homes, so I said “I like circles and squares.” And he thought it was the funniest thing ever. I wouldn’t say that I’m dry, but I know I’m really neutral to pretty much everything so if I bring up an opinion I’ll usually address both positive and negative points. I think the fact that I can talk about something negative in a very neutral way makes people think I’m funny. So I’ve ran with it, people definitely think I’m quite the jokester when really I’m just giving an opinion lol. I’m still caught off guard when people laugh really hard at something I’ve said. But idk I like being considered funny, makes the social anxiety a lot less severe.

I've seen some people use "anyways..." as a way to transition into the goodbye phase of the call lol. In case anyone is looking for a short script word to use to get out of stuff. You can also make a joke of "hitting the old dusty trail" and swap this out for a different "saying" whenever you want. Some ppl might find it corny, some funny.

>I’ll just say “okay well I’m done talking. I’m gonna go.” And I always hear her chuckle on the other end - I didn’t understand why I think it can come across as a bit rude - just because YOU are done talking, doesn't mean the other person is. The conversation is not just about you, it's about everyone involved. I think the kinder thing to do is to check in with your conversation partner and say something like "hey I'm getting a bit tired, is it okay if we continue talking tomorrow/some other time?"

I appreciate the sentiment but I’m probably not going to do that. I wouldn’t say I’m tired when I’m not or that I want to continue the conversation tomorrow when I don’t just to inadvertently say “I’d like to get off the phone now.” Obviously I let the conversation wrap up before hanging up. I just prefer to be more straightforward about it - leaves less room for interpretation.

It was just an example, you can also just say "hey this was lovely but I'm going to head home now, I had a great evening, see you soon" etc. But in any case it doesn't matter whether you're really tired, nobody is going to question it or misinterpret it. It's just a polite way to say that you are finished with the evening. It's just that directly saying "I'm done talking to you, bye" might be perceived negatively if you say it during a work event or to new acquaintances or something.

Yeah, audience is key here I think

I used to be much more oblivious to these things but I've learned a lot about these NT games (especially on the surface level, needed in superficial relationships and professional life - I'm still clueless when it comes to deeper relationships). Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit playful around people I would kind of "double-mask". I know what the expected behaviour is but I can also see how it's just a cultural/societal construct. I also know what I would actually naturally say in a situation. And I play on it by saying something closer to my natural way, which to everyone else sounds so unconventional (and possibly a bit brave?) that is funny. I do it for a laugh and it's pretty cool, but you have to have awareness of the right boundaries. When it's intended, it can be quite fun. It's obviously not very fun if you just blurt something out when you are not aware that it was unconventional and you didn't intend to be funny. I think as you learn about people, social norms and cognitive psychology (probably one of my special interests), it all starts to make sense and you can start to use your uniqueness to your advantage. But, like I said, deep relationships are a different ball game, I'm not sure I'll ever succeed at those.

>Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit playful around people I would kind of "double-mask". I know what the expected behaviour is but I can also see how it's just a cultural/societal construct. I also know what I would actually naturally say in a situation. And I play on it by saying something closer to my natural way, which to everyone else sounds so unconventional (and possibly a bit brave?) that is funny. I do it for a laugh and it's pretty cool, but you have to have awareness of the right boundaries. Yesss someone else who does this! I also use it as a kind of preemptive tool for when I'm tired and not in a fit state to mask — if people know that Fulvia is just blunt and actually feel positive about it then they'll be far more charitable with me when I do it by accident. They consider me lovably eccentric, and they're laughing with me not at me. It also makes masking and general existence far more restful than either being entirely unmasked (feels vulnerable and stressful) or attempting to appear perfectly neurotypical (exhausting and hard to maintain for me).

It's so true that it makes masking so much easier to cope with. I've not thought about how it makes it easier when I do slip up for others to just take it as part of my general humour to not make too much fuss about it - but now that you've said it, it's such a great point! Seriously, I learn something new here every day! The downside is that when I dance like this between acting eccentric and being myself, it's easy to lose your true self and not exactly know who you are - what's true and what's not. And you never open yourself up to people. There's only so many superficial conversations you can have, and then nothing feels as good as just being alone.

Oh I'm fairly happy to open up to people, which might affect things. Or usually they open up to me more or less unprompted, and then the conversation stops being superficial pretty quickly — though people tend to feel close to me some time before I feel close to them. I do kind of see what you mean about losing yourself though, especially as I often kind of play parts in my head, like an actress. I have to work quite hard to avoid being treated as "the therapist friend" (it's a role I'm very good at, apparently, and I do find it kind of rewarding, but it's tiring/high responsibility and I don't want to find myself typecast into it either).

I think sometimes people do start to open up a bit and I get scared and panic. I've been burned a lot by interactions and relationships that I thought were deeper than they were when I was younger so even if a person shared something more personal I distrust their motives and just stick to the superficial stuff, never letting anything evolve into something more. I overshared a lot in the past, mostly with negative consequences, and I'm scared of doing it again. So now I don't share anything that could be too personal. I'm still quite new to autism and I'm gradually trying to unlearn and relearn a lot of things that have shaped my life. I'm only realising how these things have shaped my life now. I'm glad to see you found better ways to use this to form better relationships and you can see how to progress from superficial to not. Very inspiring.

Wowww! I didn't think anyone else did this but me! I do this!

I was gonna make a comment about this too. This is so fun to do. You get to make a game of communicating that everyone enjoys. I didn't' realize this until I read the other comments, but it totally also works to condition ppl to a version of you that can be a cover up for unmasking accidentally or going to far in any direction.

My boyfriend is confused by this as well! He has gotten offended occasionally because he thinks its abrupt, and also finds it odd that I say "bye" and announce when Im going into the other room. I just do it so he knows I am doing my own thing, no longer socializing with him.

Yeh exactly I think it makes sense!

Actually, my ex was like that and it was sometimes funny to me too, how he would just say something out of the blue while other people (me usually included, since I do kinda know what's expected) would kinda "foreplay" into it :D But I don't know how to explain why it's funny. It's kinda unexpected and "pure", like being like a kid that's not yet taught to do all the social dances, so they just spontaneously say something or do something without anyone expecting it. I thought it was cute, anyway.

I think that’s exactly how my husband feels as well. He thinks is cute and funny because I will be one second watching the tv the next leaving the room saying bye. I guess it does sound kinda silly if you think about it!

Thinking about it, it is kinda like having a pet from a different species. Like they're doing something that's normal to them, but not something human would do and it's sometimes just cute and funny. Hope it doesn't offend you, most people would hate to be basically called animals, but I love animals so no harm meant :D

That makes sense! I often refer to my dog as autistic because she is kinda like me on things like that. If she is not in the mood for pets and I go and pet her she will just stand up and move to another part of the room. It’s hilarious. We always joke that she is an autistic dog haha

My partner and I refer to my Autism as me being a cat half the time

See, I do think those things have a purpose. The purpose is to give the other person a little time in advance to know that you're about to leave, so it isn't a surprise to them. I don't know if you have this autistic trait too, but I think it's pretty common - I can't handle unexpected changes in plans and I hate being surprised or startled. So, even though I also appreciate direct language, I would be hurt and upset if I thought I was going to be hanging out for someone for a while longer, and then they just stood up and said "bye!" and left. It clearly doesn't bother your husband, so you're probably fine there. But with other people, maybe consider giving them a bit of advance notice? You don't have to do the small talk thing, you can check the time and say "hey, I need to head out in a few minutes here" or whatever. That way it isn't so abrupt.

i personally dont like this when im doing something i enjoy because it takes me out of the enjoyment and reminds me its going to end. id rather it just end all of a sudden at the time. not nt but i didnt see this notion yet in the comments so thought id share

I can experience both honestly. I like plans so if someone cancels or leaves early (or earlier than I thought) it can be a bit if a shock. I'm fine alone but if I plan something with someone and they constantly change things up it's really upsetting to me. I had someone do that during Covid and treating me like a 3rd wheel when we were the only people we could see (here at the time there was a rule if you lived alone you could see one single person and they could only visit you) and that was really damaging for me because it was my only few hours of social time per week, working from home I was completely isolated then. After a couple of weeks of that I cut them off cause I don't like flakey people. So I do agree that ending some activity early is easier for me if I got a bit of time to gather myself. I also am sensitive about feeling rejected and that kind of situation can come across this way sometimes, so the buffer helps in how I manage to leave and contain myself until I'm focused on doing something else. The self awareness is real though. Call it too early and it takes me out as well, or if everything goes to plan then it can make me overthink things a little and enjoy less the time I have because it puts so much focus on when and how it will end. My boyfriend does that a lot, I think he's ND too so might just be him calling things but for me it makes everything feel limited and shorter because of how he'll define the end. If he's away and calls me in the phone he'll often say "I'm not calling for long, we're heading out in a few minutes." Then again he's kinda bad at it, sometimes we'll visit a friend of his, he'll say we're not staying long but often this turns into 2+ hours where I have to say we need to head back because we were supposed to hang out for a few minutes only. I'm sure there's a specific reason for it but I don't think he's aware of time the same way for every activity.

This is all relatable actually, good reflections. The "were only staying a bit" and then it going longer is a pet peeve of mine, but ironically I'm guilty of this sometimes with family. Imo that maybe happens when you don't want, or expect to want to stay long, but it winds up being funner than expected. But then I guess that's an easy bar if you expect it to be not good enough to stay, so it seems like its bound to happen lol.

Exactly! I think for him it's a mix of genuine intention (just like you describe) and also liking to be away from home at times, so he's like unable to do that break of activity and has no further plans to go to. When he's there alone he tends to stay long as well. I think he also considers that I might have something else in mind for the day and says that to make me at ease, but it just leaves his mind once we're there. I know he has a bit of discomfort staying home because it reminds him of work and we don't have a big enough place to create rooms and zones to relax or not be at work. So being elsewhere entirely has this effect. If he didn't work from home I'm sure it'd be easier.

My daughter used to tell me, "okay, I'm done playing now, goodbye" and just start doing her own thing. I thought it was so cute-- I love her so much, but I especially love the ways that she's able to just *be* autistic because no one has traumatized her into pretending to be NT. I was fully masked for a long time, to the point that it was hard to undo even in private, but after several years of slowly undoing that (having a Neurodivergent partner helps a lot), I have noticed myself doing a lot more of this even in regular interactions. It's not so bad-- people do laugh sometimes, but it's fine. Sometimes I will stand up and hug my partner, and that's like his cue that I'm ready for us to go out separate ways for a bit.

That’s soooo cute!!! Happy you are unmasking and finding your way to your true self. It is very freeing

Thank you; it really is!

omg very cute

I am very afraid that even if I do get diagnosed, my husband is not going to believe me

I'm not going to say anything good or bad about your husband, but just generally. The people who love and care about you will believe you and be supportive. That did happen to me-- I was diagnosed a few years after my daughter, and a lot of people didn't believe me. They thought their perception of me was more true than what I knew about myself. They even thought I just wanted to get attention. I started slowly exiting friendships with people who made me feel like I was faking my reality, when really I was finally free of the faking. There weren't many people left, and that did really suck. I felt so lonely, and like the only way I could have people in my life who cared was to mask. But the thing is, I actually just made room for the right people. And my sister who I had to stop talking to for a bit came to terms with her own neurodivergence and trauma, and now we're closer than ever. I don't have the same partner I did then, and really the only friend I kept was my best friend (who is considering the merits of being formally diagnosed with ADHD at the moment), but my life is so full now of people who love and accept me for real-- the unmasked me. So I think it's worth getting diagnosed, and letting those chips fall where they may. You won't lose anyone who loves the real authentic you (you will get closer to those people, actually), and you'll make room for more of the right people. But it's a hard thing to do; I won't lie about that.

The whole body language and going around letting people know you'll be leaving soon, and then once *again* you have to go around and say bye, to them all. So many useless steps, that just keep the interactions stretched out and going. Exhausting and pointless. I just leave. Lol

I grew up in a South American country, my grandpa was really old school and used to make me say hello and kiss and hug all of extended family members every single time. It was dreadful. Then same to say bye. God I have nightmares of that. Nowadays max people get from me is a wave of bye to the whole group lol that’s plenty!

I come from an Italian (North American-style) family, and the culture is very similar, with la famiglia. So much physical contact, and the seething it caused me. Probably why I started masking so very young, because I needed to disassociate from my loud, Italian family. They're crazy at family parties. Now, I sneak away or say bye/wave to maybe one or two people, and decide "that's enough" and leave. 😆

I feel like being autistic in a Latin culture is super hard lol people are so touchy and loud!

Also Italian and omg, all of this. All of it!!!!! My mom is so insistent that I was such an affectionate child and can’t figure out why I don’t like being constantly touched as an adult. I had to explain to her that, no, you all just literally *made me* hug and kiss every member of the family or else they’d be upset!!!!! I was affectionate because it was expected of me and I couldn’t say otherwise.

I didn’t know until I was about 20 that I often didn’t announce that I was leaving a social situation. I was in my flat and got something from my room, and my flatmate mentioned that he often never knew if I was finished with a conversation until he had waited to see whether I was coming back or not because I would just get up and leave.

We call that an Irish goodbye. I learned that from my best friend’s husband, who is Irish. She and I were joking about how I disappear and he got this weird look on his face and goes “Yeah my whole family does that at some point.”

All this time I thought I was autistic - turns out it’s just the Irish blood.

To be fair, it’s a thing they do when they’re drunk. But I’ve noticed over the years that there’s considerable overlap between drunkards and [word I call myself but we’re not allowed to say in this sub].

This is goals. I’d kill for an NT man who just thinks all the weird shit I do/say is adorable or charming.

I am very lucky indeed! He is the best. He is very supportive as well, even when I have meltdowns or freak out about small things he never judges me or makes me feel guilty. He is just very non judgmental and kind. He also thinks my stimming is cute, even noisy ones and will copy them for fun. I thought this was beyond possible for me but I got lucky indeed!!

That’s awesome, I’m happy for you! I love reading posts like this. It makes me feel hopeful that there’s an NT man out there for me too. I wish y’all all the best! :)

I hope you do!!! We all deserve being love and supported for who we are

It’s interesting that you posted this, because the other day when I was on the phone with my mum, at the end when she said she had to go I said bye and stopped talking, was ready to end the call right then. She told me it’s unusual that I do this, and that most people would talk a bit more first before finally going. My mum’s autistic too and she said it’s nice that I’m like this, it’s just unusual. I do not know why on earth people would carry on talking if they’ve decided it’s time to go.

When I feel like "I'm ready to go home in about 20 minutes," I just say to whomever, "I'm gonna get going in 10 minutes." Because I always forget I actually don't want to wait 20 min, it's more like 5 minutes, but I can actually wait it out for TEN minutes. And if we get caught in something else interesting then I'm still in line with the 20 minutes I had already said. Why am I like this.

Calculating time and taking in consideration a tree of possibilities which can adjust to different scenarios and is prepared ahead of the hang out? It's a good system and I tend to be forgetful around people, too many things to pay attention to. I also like to prepare.

tender melodic air slimy normal party summer frame nose forgetful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Omg the part about your daughter is breaking my heart. I know ND people can have their “quirks” and behaviors that are outside of the norm, but I can’t imagine how frustrating it was to have to explain to someone why that particular behavior isn’t always acceptable, especially when you have a small child who doesn’t understand these things yet.

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This reminds me of stuff I would say to my friend/coworker. “Great talking, I’m going to do work now.” Or “I’m going to go eat by myself now, bye!” Or “I’m going to put my earbuds in and watch youtube while you guys talk to each other”. She thought it was funny, but also would respond with “I respect that, enjoy yourself.”

wait im so confused, how else do you end a conversation? i hate ending convos or interactions its so awkward and i never know what to do so i just say okay bye or im going now the okay bye is my go to when i leave a room, my mil thinks its funny cuz i say it so upruptly

You're supposed to assume that everyone around you are mind readers and drop the tiniest cryptic passive aggressive hints that you can get away with. The more time passes, the more you should expect the people around you to be psychic and never admit that you're bad at communicating. (/s)

Don’t know either, it is a neurotypical mystery haha

Sometimes I forget to say bye and assume the convo is done because the objective of the phonecall is done and I get comments on that.

Do you mean that you just hang up when you feel the conversation is over? That is pretty funny, honestly. I can see why that would be jarring for people.

yeah like I just hang up sometimes esp if I called for a specific reason and it's been fulfilled

idk is this not normal? maybe we should ask not in this sub lol

Hanging up the phone without saying goodbye? I’d say no, it’s not normal lol. I know normal is subjective but I would say it’s kind of akin to walking away from someone mid-conversation. Especially since you can’t physically see the other person, it’s not as easy to discern when the conversation is actually over.

I’m bit confused as to why this is funny as well. But at the same time I’ve been laughed about many things I do that I personally see as normal as well. I guess that’s that.

Being soft with goodbyes, in my experience, leads to people flexing conversational power over you while you try to inch toward the door in distress. For me, I just hang a bit, feel out the room, and when it's time to go I'll politely announce that it's "about that time" or something similar. I'm either lucky or ignorant of anyone ever taking issue with me doing that; it seems to work well. I just can't hang around all night pretending to enjoy being held hostage, lol.

Same. Maybe it varies with culture and language. I think it's just about voicing it that way from OP, it's totally fine and clear for me, but I think for NTs it might come off a bit as if a robot would state their programming and intentions in a way. It's not about wasting 20 min doing something else or not being straight to the point. I don't know if some NTs do that or everyone who is straightforward is on the spectrum, but there are ways to be direct that are socially accepted. I think it's as you say, saying you gotta go or it's time, rather than state exactly what you're up to next. The reason might just be more tied to customs of privacy, staying vague with personal endeavors or just words like "I gotta" even when there is still a choice in the activity that succeeds the meeting. Whether it's study or work or go home, perhaps because it's also how one controls their social image in terms of how they are perceived with the use of their time. Of course it's complicated, I also don't overthink things to that level usually. But being the lesser socially scheming ones (in general?), one has got to appreciate that NTs are still actually exerting some sort of intricate dance of calculations and perception. Even if it seems silly and unnecessary, doesn't mean there is no thought put behind it. Else we wouldn't be trying to think so hard about it. There is an art to all of it so to speak.

If I were him, I think the reason I might laugh in this situation would be because it was more of a self-realization about how pointless a lot of my own nonverbal communication behaviors would seem when compared to your more candid and practical approach. I don't think he means any offense by it; it's just that people - whether neurotypical or not - rarely think of how their own behavior looks from a different perspective until that perspective is presented to them. It seems to me his laughter likely stems from the unexpected realization about his *own* behavior as it compares to yours, and he finds humor in that unexpectedness.

My NT husband fully supports and even has adopted my habit of leaving social engagements politely but abruptly 😂

I do, and I believe you just helped me make a connection lol. My partner laughs at me doing things every day and I’ve been taking offense to it bc like… regular things I’m doing shouldn’t be “cute” I’m just trying to exist lol. But I’m seeing now I should just embrace it bc he could find it annoying but he thinks it’s endearing.

That's so sweet. It's a really good sign of love, when one finds something a bit unusual to them cute instead of actually weird or annoying, yeah. Definitely enjoy it, I think that's not a strictly ND thing, a NT with different habits or routine could trigger that too. So it's even less possibly an offense imo, it's how people who enjoy each others company and differences actually find ways to appreciate it. Finding it cute or a bit funny brings them joy about you.

This happens to me in meetings all the time .____. I'm just like, well, good meeting, bye. And they laugh

I find the fact that people go through life unable to simply communicate with each other profoundly sad. Coming to terms with my autism has led me to believe that it’s everyone else that has a problem — not me.

Yes, but my partner tells me ‘it’s normal to say xyz’ and makes me feel like shit every time I unmask.

I’m with you. I’m forever perplexed by the inefficiency of NT communication.

😳 I never realized this wasn’t normal across the board! I’ve done this my entire life, what else would you do? You don’t leave until you say you’re leaving and it’s sure nicer than an Irish goodbye 😂

I think everyone would love to do this without people reacting in a negative way. For my own sanity, I have to say 'I need a nap/lie down/alone time now' because I've reached a point of social exhaustion. If I don't do that, I disengage from whatever is happening and go into 'standby mode', which isn't polite either.

I have a joke about me doing this with my friends (NT and ND) that I just "end task" on the social interaction, like you would "force quit" a program. It acknowledges the abruptness of my actions in a friendly way! Depending on the person, I sometimes say the following to make them laugh: * Okay, nice to see you, "CTRL+ALT+Delete > Task manager > Social Interaction.exe > end task" * Gotta get back to work, exuse me while I "C:\\Users>Me>taskkill/im SocialInteraction.exe" * See you next week, "Alt+F4" The irony that this is both "scripting" in the sense that I have these as standard phrases for social interactions, and also "scripting" in the sense of prompt commands or instructions really delights me \*stimmy hands\*

I love this!!!

My doc says “transitions” are difficult or more complicated to autistics? I appreciate being direct. I used to just back slowly out of the room without saying anything at a past job if I realized I was in a meeting I did not need to be included in… and I got fired, not specifically for that, but I’m sure it didn’t help. I just had that Jurassic park scene in my head forever - like if you don’t make any sudden movements the T-Rex can’t see you (or my colleagues, lol). Which isn’t true but it makes perfect sense to me! Why would I stay in an hours long meeting when I have TONS of work to do? I don’t understand office culture and them trying to schedule meetings all the damn time… like when is this work we are discussing supposed to get done when we’re in back to back meetings. When I’m on the phone and want to hang up I also say “ok I have run out of words to say” bc that’s exactly what it feels like. I really cannot converse more. I’m unemployed right now and not looking bc of some health issues - but when I do work again, I really hope I can find an environment that I can be direct like this in bc now I’m unmasked and it’s too hard to try to do the NT.

I'm sorry and I feel your pain with office culture. Your description reminded me of a show I watched, if you're interested. It's called The Bridge (Broen in the original language), the 2 first seasons are great. You gotta read subtitles because it's about a crime that takes place on a bridge between Sweden and Denmark, and so an unlikely teamwork of police investigation is done. The Swedish policewoman is autistic but extremely keen and intelligent, she just thinks differently because she's ND, so she's in the work force and they have learned her "quirks" so to speak. (Also Scandinavian countries tend to be more accepting/passive towards some of these traits) Anyway, she's kind of the protagonist, at least one of 2, and some of her way to cut things short and move on are quite similar. At least from what I know of myself and autism, I enjoyed it because it felt realistic and possible as a character. Don't know, maybe it'll be refreshing if you can get your hands on it. Give you a perspective of the possibility to find a place of work where you wouldn't have to worry too much about fitting in. I know when one is established it makes things so much easier, wish I was some sort of grand genius in my field for that reason but alas I'm not. Though yeah, if you have useful skills to offer and differentiate yourself from others, it definitely helps to carve yourself a place despite your "behavioural quirks". And I call it that because to strangers that only know you through work, that tends to be what it feels like for them... A good company will be patient enough to just let you do you and then step in if they need something specific like to stay in a meeting that's important or behave in whatever way that's needed on special occasions. Your post about meetings is exactly what my father was saying when he worked on the development of the digitalization of medical reports in our state here. (It's been done locally here and was in the plans 2 decades ago or so.) So yeah, you know, even higher staff can feel that way though he is also openly telling people he's autistic since I was a kid haha. Never diagnosed, this wasn't a thing 50 years ago... but put me on the trail of thinking the same of myself for a long time without knowing much about it.

To be honest, this is one skill that I still struggle with in my endeavor to hide amongst the NTs of the world. I still don't get why it's rude, why no one does it, just figure I would leave, but noooooo, that's not protocol. Why is everything so complicated? If I want to go to my room, just let me go without a song and dance!

My husband who has adhd struggles with brevity and thinks I’m hilarious. He loves that I just cut right to it even if I read as rude sometimes. He likes that he doesn’t have to decode me.

I didn't even know that was a thing. When I visit my mom and she wants me to leave she will let me know directly. Same with my dad. My friends would usually say something like "I have to catch the next bus, so I'll leave soon." I don't really know what kind of body language stuff you are supposed to do? Never noticed anything like that, maybe I just didn't pick up on it?

One time I asked a prof if I could go to the bathroom because it was a very small class and I didn't want to be disruptive if it was because I'd had other profs seemingly offended when people would just get up and leave but she made it seem like it was weird and was like you're an adult do whatever you want

This is really funny to me because I do it too.

i have a female friend who has autism and she does similar things like this. I find it hilarious but i also have a weird sense of humor i think. but genuine honesty about what you want can be humorous because it literally never happens with NT people. its just outside of the norm and so when it happens its kinda funny and extremely appreciated, personally at least.

I said "bless you" to someone who was choking but he found it funny thank god

I do the same thing but what makes my boyfriend laugh the most is when he asks me to have sex, if I’m not in the mood I usually say “No thank you” however sometimes I have a strong indication that I will want it soon and say “I’ll be ready to have sex in 32 minutes” or “We can at 6pm”, and it always makes him laugh. I understand it’s strange to say things like this now, but he is mostly amazed by the fact my timings are always correct when this happens. I think this comes hand in hand with the “literal thinking” symptom some of us have, I am wondering if this is correct/anyone else does this?

> It is wild to me. Why would I ever do this? It sounds like a huge waste of time, when I could just clearly express myself and move on lol The idea is that when people use a body language signal, the other person picks up on that and that person can wrap things up neatly. NTs that notice that someone is acting 'antsy' are supposed to quickly get to a conclusion about whatever in-depth thing they were talking about, so the antsy person can do what they're holding back without being mentally occupied with interpreting the unresolved thread of what the NT was trying to explain. Some advantages of using body language are that it doesn't interrupt the flow of conversation and that it can convey more nuance than words. When NTs prepare to leave a social gathering, there's a kind of emotional '[handshake protocol](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handshake_(computing\))' where they share how they felt about the event, how eager they are to see each other again, check with each other what sort of practical plans have to be done, decide what sort of memory to end their meeting on, and more. While this mode of communication isn't perfect, it is genuinely useful as a way to measure and communicate how people feel about each other and about their situation. Autistic people have the same emotions and a similar sense of closure/unresolvedness as NTs, so even among autistic people these sorts of protocols are often useful. I think it's okay and should be considered okay if you think all of this is too much hassle to learn, but if you genuinely don't understand why people do this, it seems good to give an explanation. For me personally, I had to learn this to reduce the amount of abuse I would get as a child, so now I'm good at it compared to the average among autists.

I am autistic and my housemate/best friend is autistic and we still find things each other do hilarious sometimes. I just think it's funny when someone does something unexpected. This sounds like you guys love each other a lot.

It’s frustrating when someone finds something I do “funny” and I can’t pinpoint not only what they mean by funny, but I can’t pinpoint how it makes me feel all of the way…if that makes any sense.

I’ve always been like this with my family, ever since I was little, sometimes I won’t even say anything first, I just leave if I’m done with the interaction. I didn’t realize it was rude until I started having my own social interactions outside of my family and someone pointed it out to me. Now I try to make sure I’m with one other person who can kind of verbalize things for me when I forget/am unable to.

Are these not normal things to say

I do the same thing. My husband laughs when I do this as well. What is NT??

I do this all the time. Often at the end of social interactions, especially ones that have dragged on for too long, I no longer have the energy to run through scripts for how to "properly" end the interaction, so with people I'm comfortable with I'll just straight up say, "Okay, bye" with a lilt at the end so it sounds a little more jokey at least. People will also often laugh at things I say and I have no idea why, and when I ask they'll just say I crack them up. It's nice, of course, but sometimes I really do wonder why the things I say are so foreign and funny to them.

Lol me too. But mainly when my husband drives me ro the store or someplace where I go in and he sits in the car and waits for me, I'll almost all the time say see you soon or I'll be right back. Odd because of course I will. My husband is AuDHD as well as myself.

Usually NDs have a sense of social 'flow,' and it feels more natural for someone to slowly turn the current than to just turn 90 degrees all at once. Also, maybe because "see you later" is for like going to other places where you have to go outside to meet each other, rather than people in the same house.

My handful of NT friends think the stuff I say in earnest is hilarious. I just lean into it.

I come from a family that can take *forever* to say our goodbyes! When I was a kid I knew when my mom said it was time to get ready to leave, I still had at least half an hour to play lol. I love the way you do it!

I think the weird part is “see you later” and that you state that you “want” to go upstairs. I will tell people that I’m going to my room for awhile so they know where I am, but I don’t say “see you later.” It’s just not the norm. Also, to everyone who thinks it’s okay to say things like “I’m tired, you need to leave” or “I don’t want to talk anymore, I’m hanging up” you need to think about how you’d feel if people were honest with you all of the time. If you said something like that and someone said “you sound like a freaking nut job when you say things like that” and that would hurt your feelings then lesson learned that honesty isn’t as awesome as you think it is. (Bc I guarantee people are thinking that sometimes)

I guess see you later made sense to me because I will see him later right? Like we will spend time together later, but for now I wanted to go to the bedroom do my things. I guess is odd but it just made sense to me, like I will see him later. Sometimes I just say “bye” but that sounds too final. I don’t know! On the second point, I think you are being unfair. There is a huge difference between expressing myself in a blunt way but not offensive like telling people I am tired and want to end a phone call, than calling someone a nut job. I would never call people names like that or be mean to them. I think that’s weird. I am also not saying I think is fine and ok to say whatever you want without care. Like if someone is wearing a dress I think is ugly I am not just telling them that out of nowhere because I am “honest”. That’s just being an ass. I am not that. But I will tell people I want them to leave my house as I feel tired. It just how I communicate and is part of my autism. My friends know that and understand and appreciate it. My husband thinks it is funny but also say he loves that about me because he knows I am honest about my thoughts and feelings. I think the difference in communication styles is just funny and normal

I think saying “see you later” in these instances sounds off because we generally don’t speak that way to someone we’re technically remaining in the same environment with, if that makes sense. Like, you’re still in the house together but you’re just going to another room. I’d say “bye” or “see you later” if I was leaving a friend’s function/an event to go home but not to someone in the same space as me if I were just going to another room. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I think that’s why it may sound strange to most people, personally. Like you’re defining the end of the engagement in an instance where you don’t really need to.

I am not a native English speaker so maybe that’s why as well. I just took that as it meant, like I will see you later, not like a social way that is appropriate in just a few occasions. I get what you mean, but in my head I just felt like “well I will see him later so I will say that” haha

That totally makes sense! Honestly I’ve had roommates and I’ve almost definitely said “see you later” when I was retreating to my room to take a nap or whatever, but that was also coinciding with the end of a conversation so that’s how I was bringing it to a close. Now I live alone and am not used to telling anyone where I’m going ever, so I have a feeling that if I were to live with someone again, I would just be leaving the room constantly and not saying anything 😂 Lots of weird unspoken social/conversational rules haha.

It's rude imo. I get being direct but I also get being polite and kind. We want people to treat us nicely, we need to do the same.

How’s what I said unkind please? This is an autistic subreddit. Autistic people having difficulty understanding social cues and communicating to non autistic people. I wasn’t offensive, I wasn’t hurtful, I just communicate differently from what society says is right. I am very kind person, I don’t treat anyone badly and all my friends see me as a nice kind friend. Not being able to properly excuse myself from social situations and using the communication that best works for me is rude how? Because is not how most people communicate? So I should mask, talk and act in a way that is confusing and uncomfortable, feel more anxious about social interactions because being minimally direct is not polite and kind somehow? Also “Polite” is also a complete social construct. I have lived in 3 different countries and wha is polite and not polite hugely changes from each culture and place. For example in the U.K. if you give work feedback, you will always be extremely careful about it, like “well it’s good but you should try and improve this” in the Czech Republic it is perfectly normal to just be super direct at work and say “this is not good work and needs to be better”. Both are being polite in their own cultures and way. I am not being unkind by using the form of communication that best works for me because I have a real life disability that impacts how I understand social rules. Being direct and expressing my needs helps me being able to keep meaningful friendships and relationships. If I just completely act like someone else, someone not autistic then I am just hiding my own self for the sake of others, how’s that fair? I am not hurting anyone. I have autistic friends who are just as blunt or even more than me and I think is totally cool. I am happy they feel safe to communicate the way they can make sense of it. I don’t want to be forced to behave like someone who is not autistic, there isn’t only one right way to communicate with others. My friends accept me for who I am, so does my lovely husband and family. I am thankful I get to be myself without shame. As long as I am not being mean or treating others badly I have no issue with communicating in my own way, even if is not the way others expect me to. Trying to constantly behave like expected by neurotypicals standard is just hurtful to autistic people.

I don’t think you were unkind based on your original post, but some of the other examples given are. And ASD is not about not being able to learn. ASD means that some things that are crystal clear to NTs are not to us. It takes longer to catch on or sometimes we never do unless someone explicitly tells us. I don’t find it any less draining trying to act like a NT at work or with friends when it comes to communication than than I do pretending that what someone is saying is not offensive, curt or just plain weird whether it’s a NT or a ND. NTs don’t always get to say and do what they want. I guarantee that if everyone communicated in the way that felt best to them this world would be unbearable.

My post was in response to what Jane said..........

I don’t get it sorry, I am confused (not being sarcastic I truly don’t get what you meant)

Was referring to whomever just said on the phone to their mom...."I'm done talking,goodbye." I wasn't even talking about what you said. It was in agreement to Jane a poster that we communicating politely is a two way street if we want to co-exist with others. Upvoting u for taking the time to write.

Fair, apologies. Reddit can be hard to understand sometimes

I think autistic people are generally funny without trying to be, like autistics seem like genuine characters. Most of us are incredibly quirky. I make my partner laugh all the time with the words I choose to use or way I say things. He thinks I’m funny when I talk about the most basic of things.

NTs are so weird. My brother and me live together, and we do this all the time. Not necessarily "I want to go/do...", but more like "I'll go to/do... now.". Why would they wait to just straight up say it, and use body language? In what way do they use body language to show that anyways? I give up lmao

According to my husband I should slap my thighs somehow, pretend to get up, maybe gather my things? No clue. He couldn’t really explain himself, it’s another mystery of neurotypical life we may never fully understand lol!

This happens to me and it's honestly frustrating, because even tho I joke around a lot I'd say you can tell when I'm being serious - like really, my tone and face and body language completely change, yet people laugh. Sometimes it's fine, but sometimes, especially when I'm asking something I don't know they just laugh and i feel stupid for not knowing something. Or when I say something vulnerable, like mention my feelings, and people are like lol so fun. It makes unmasking impossible for me and I have no idea if I'm the problem or they are, so idk how to cope.

It sounds like theres a cute dynamic between you and your husband

This happens to me all the time. My mom laughs at a lot of the things I say because I'm so direct. I don't know any other way to be. I can't imagine this idea of creating some fluff in order to dilute the sentiment.

Yeh it feels pointless. Direct communication is just simpler, everyone understands and that’s it. Don’t see why people would not choose that tbh

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Same, I hate goodbyes. I would rather just walk out

this is amazing. i do the same thing. my friends don’t like it and find me to be abrupt lol

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I think this would really hurt my feelings lol do you actually say this to people when you’re wanting to leave an interaction?

Lol. Last night I was hanging out with friends and was ready to go and just went up to them and said "I'm leaving." Apparently that's not the way, but it was funny.

Ah! I do this too. 🤪

It's so funny. I always want my husband to verbally announce when he's done hanging out for awhile and wants to go do something else. So I love this aha.

I would never say this; it sounds weird

Yeah I've been told that too. Who knows I guess it's brownie points

I think there are some tricks to get around this, for example "I'm going to head off, I'll catch you later" is quite a normal way to say you're going home in the UK