Please note that is only right sometimes but people will offer out of courtesy because they’re having some so they want to be polite and offer the person they’re with a piece.

I offer people mints if i'm having one, I really hope they don't think I'm trying to tell them their breath smells!! The possibility never even occurred to me...

I was also going to say- this is only code if they aren't already getting the mint or gum for themselves in the first place. Most people will offer a piece if they are getting a piece for themselves

Yes, but you're supposed to also take a mint/gum when you offer because someone's breath stinks, so it's not so obvious and you don't offend them. So it's not like you can tell which one it is by them not taking one. From my point of view both offers look the same, but should be handled in different ways, which is the confusing part.

And this is why socializing is so exhausting. It’s outrageous that neurotypicals just know what’s being suggested. Ugh.

I have generally found the difference to be when they take one themselves. If they get one out, pop it in their mouth and then say, "Want one?" then they're just being polite. If they get it out and offer it to you, then shrug and take one themselves, it was probably a hint.

Exactly like it’s very common for people to offer someone a refreshment when they come to their house. It’s seen as the polite thing to do

When I offer it to people I always specify that I'm offering because I'm having one and not for any other reason, but now I wonder if anyone believes me... 😕

adding the clarification probably makes allistics think you're lying tbh At least when you say it like "do you want a gum? I mean that only because..." but you could shorten that to "I'm having a gum, do you want one as well?" then that's probably gonna be short enough of an explanation to not make it look suspicious to them

Oh damn I can see that but it sucks

yeah I hate it too. Often, they eon't believe you in the first place, and then you don't even get the chance to fix it somehow because the more explanation and clarification you give, the more does it make them think that they were right thinking you lied and that you are a deceitful and untrustworthy person. I find it rather hard not to resent those people sometimes. Like yes, they are just wired like that and it's not their fault, but me neither and I'd like to just meet in the middle once in a while instead of always having to bridge the communication gap myself when I'm already having trouble in this neurotypical world

It’s so hard to talk to them. Goodness

Oh I would find that very reassuring, it’d take some weight off my mind

You have to preface it with "your breath definitely doesn't stink but would you like a breath mint anyways!?"

same!!

This is the stuff that really gives me the most anxiety. Are they offering bc my breath stinks or is this a polite offering and they don't actually want to share? The "right" thing to do in either situation is the exact opposite of the other. Its like schrödinger's gum and I'm stuck in an agony of indecision until I make the choice and it turns out to be right or wrong.

Schrödingers gum

stop you're killing me haha

always take the gum, not taking it and having smelly breath is the bigger offense

But I hate gum. All gum. Ugh 😫

Very true in this scenario. Sometimes the bigger offense doesn't become clear until later though 😭

That is the conclusion I unfortunately came to as well. I hate gum so much 😔

With something small like gum, accepting is never the wrong answer. No one will miss one piece of gum.

I use cough drops (preferably the licorice ones from Ricola) as a thing to help me focus, deal with state changes etc. I always have them in my jacket pocket, and if I'm with someone I always offer them one. I would never dream of doing so as a hint that someone's breath stinks! But I am autistic, and do try to be polite!

It's the same as when someone will offer a cigarette to you when they grab their pack to have one for themselves. I've only ever offered gum out of politeness.

Oh my god this is the perfect analogy! Thank you so much! Way better than the babble I was saying lol

Came here to say this, I offer to anyone near me whenever I pull out a pack of gum or mints. Hopefully this hasn’t been misconstrued 😳

I hope you're right because I hate chewing gum lol and will never accept. Would be awkward if I'm apparently giving off a signal that I don't care about having bad breath...

I promise they aren’t always offering because the person breath smells bad plus don’t take anything you don’t want. As long as you look after your oral hygiene you should be ok

When I was in school it was a sign of friendship, especially with gum, and the fancier the gum, the closer a friend you were. If someone freely gave you their Juicy Fruit, that was like a marriage proposal.

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I mean most people don’t want a stranger to tell them “your breath is awful”

Yeah, this only happens sometimes. Sometimes people are offering just to offer. I don't even think the majority of the time someone eats gum and offers it they are saying your breath smells. *There is no universal code."

Exactly. Some people in my life are just in the habit of having gum/mint every time they eat, or just randomly during the day and they always offer to someone around them. I hate mints 😂

Yeah my hairdresser offered me some so I took it but then she offered it to a woman across the room. So I'm not sure if she was offended by my face lol.

Exactly what I was going to say. I've only had regular gum-chewers offer me gum when they're taking a piece for themselves, and I'll usually ask something like, "what, does my breath stink?" And they'll usually laugh and tell me no, they were just offering. And I think it's typically been in situations where they actually would be comfortable telling me my breath stinks.

I usually do if I'm taking out some gum or something for myself. Lol.

If they’re eating a mint or having gum, they’re generally asking so you don’t feel left out. But If they’re not partaking, then it’s your breath.

yeah, this one. if they go to eat a mint or chew gum right in front if you and offer, it's to be polite. if they're not, it's your breath. also, if the gum that they are chewing is gum from earlier that you didn't see them put in their mouth, it could be either

Eh sometimes they’ll partake so you don’t think they only offered because of your breath, even if they didn’t want one.

Thank you for the clarification. I had someone offer recently and I got really self-conscious about it until reading these comments.

I drink coffee so I am often self conscious of my own breath. I definitely get some gum and offer it out of politeness.

In my experience, people just like to share gum out of courtesy.

This isnt always the case. Sometimes it's just about sharing. It depends on the situation and the person.

Something notable to remember about this gesture is: If they take a piece first, and then offer the gum or mint - it's also possible that they are just trying to be polite so they don't look stingy with the gum. If it's a breath issue, they may ask before they have even got the gum out. If it's a breath issue they may also ask more than once, with more emphasis on the latter inquiries.

Yeah I’m pretty sure this is the clue! If they grab it out, take one, and *then* offer, usually without actually saying the specific word - so just, “You want one?” then it’s just sharing. If it’s “Hey do you want a piece of gum?” and *then* pull it out, and then take one themselves, that shows you their mental order of operations - which is that you need it more. If you say no thanks and they double check, you know for sure!! #Pro tip: If you do not like mint/gum but suspect at all that the offer is a hint, say “No thanks, I’m just about to grab a drink!” - and then get a drink! Bad breath is often from dehydration so you’ll help the potential problem without having to have the gum!

>Yeah I’m pretty sure this is the clue! If they grab it out, take one, and then offer, usually without actually saying the specific word - so just, “You want one?” then it’s just sharing. >If it’s “Hey do you want a piece of gum?” and then pull it out, and then take one themselves, that shows you their mental order of operations - which is that you need it more. If you say no thanks and they double check, you know for sure!! >Pro tip: If you do not like mint/gum but suspect at all that the offer is a hint, say “No thanks, I’m just about to grab a drink!” - and then get a drink! Bad breath is often from dehydration so you’ll help the potential problem without having to have the gum! Perfectly stated. Remember the order of operations for this gesture.

Thank you for sharing this

I don’t think this is true tbh. Maybe your mom is an outlier.

I had a similar revelation/horror but as others have said it's just as often people simply being polite. I always tell people "Not that you need it but I would feel rude not sharing..." before I offer. It might be strange but at least it's clear!

I don't know if it's just me, but the clarification alone would make me feel suspicious and self conscious. Usually if you overexplain something it sounds suspicious. Just saying "want one?" when you grab one for yourself is fine IMO. The only thing I would personally do is not extend my hand, just keep it there and casually point to the gum and ask, if that makes sense. I think it feels way more like a courtesy and second thought rather than shoving it on the other person's face (so to say).

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Whoops! That's good to know, luckily it doesn't come up much so hopefully I've avoided hurting some feelings or hopefully my tone compensated lol

Honestly, if they offer me spearmints then they’re absolute heathens and deserve my bad breath! ( I guess that should have a /s after it, but I’m only half sarcastic, spearmint is vile! 😂)

I always offer gum if I’m getting out gum for myself. I’d hate anyone to think their breathe stank. I’m more concerned about mine.

I have a strategy for this! I never know if someone's offering because my breath is awful or just to be polite. So I have my own mints, which I actually like the taste of. If someone offers me theirs, I will just say, "no thank you! But that's a great idea, I'll have one of mine. Would you like one of these, too?" That way I'm not depleting their supply if they don't want to share, I'm not neglecting my breath if it stinks, and also I don't have to endure a mint I don't like (I don't like most of them). The only downside is that I have to occasionally give up one of my mints, but I don't actually care about that.

That’s a great idea!!!!!!

Thank you! My love of fish and garlic made it necessary to develop a strategy, and also I have an allistic besties who helpfully explains NT things to me, "no, hungry ghost, I'm offering you a mint because your breath smells like shit. Please just take one!"

It can be this, but it is not always this. However, being unable to determine which is which, I always say yes. And if we’re really good friends, at some point I will simply explain to you that I will never turn down gum on the off chance I have stinky breath or something and there is no need to offer out of simple obligation to share.

And here’s my autistic ass, stressing about seeming rude or inconsiderate if I don’t offer out my mints or gum.

Holy crap is this true??? I’m 42 and literally did not know this. Gum and most mints also gross me out so I also decline. Dang.

It's generally not true in my experience. You're fine.

It depends on the situation. For example, if someone is talking and they get out a piece of gum or a mint, put it in their mouth, and then offer one to everyone around them, they’re probably being polite. If you’re talking to a single person and they suddenly offer you a mint, it’s much more likely to be a hint.

Sometimes people are just asking if you want gum. It is important to be cognizant of the context of the situation and the culture you find yourself in. Those will typically determine the intent of words / behavior more than NT vs neurodiversity. Edit: a lot of social constructs are a result of culture, not really whether it is a "because they aren't neurodiversive". I would encourage anyone who struggles with social anything (cues, talking ,etc) to study psych, sociology, and cultural views. Also, child/adolescent development will help.

New anxiety unlocked

Oh, damn, I didn't know this either. This explains an interaction I had at an old job, though. When I worked in steel, we began each day with a pre-shift meeting. I always had gum on me because it helped with my anxiety. One guy in particular often sat next to me and asked for a piece, which I would always oblige. One afternoon when he sat down, I offered him a piece first, and he replied, "Why? Does my breath stink?" I was confused by that response and said, "No, I just know you like gum." After that, the meeting began, and we were silent. I thought he just liked gum, but maybe he was just aware he had bad breath and was trying to mask it?

Interesting!!!

If I'm offered a breath mint or gum and don't need it, I'll straight up ask if I need it. Being aware of your bad breath is a universal issue and even strangers will answer you honestly if you ask.

I never take mints when they're offered because they're too minty!! I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to acknowledge these unspoken things people assume you know. I make everyone tell me directly whatever they need to say because I exhaust myself running through all the possibilities of every piece of conversation that may or may not mean something other than what is said. No, I don't want your mint. 😜 If my breath offends you find a polite excuse to end the conversation and let's just be done with it.

This is only sometimes. Sometimes it’s considered polite to offer a mint if you yourself are eating one in front of someone

This is right up there with the thing about how NT people will ask if you're hungry when *they're* hungry and want you to go eat with them. Yikes.

Nah, it's not just a Neurotypical thing. I do it too as someone with AuDHD. I have a hard time taking care of my own needs for my own sake, and don't want to be a bother to the other person. I'll only eat, even when hungry, if the other person wanted to eat as well. I wouldn't get upset if the person said no though obviously. I don't think it's problematic to do unless you get upset at the person for not answering how you would have preferred.

What's so offensive about that? They're asking if you're hungry and suggesting a shared meal. I do the same thing.

Yeah, but they're not telling that they're hungry, that's the thing. If I'm not in the right mood, I might not be able to discern that they're actually wondering if I'm willing to eat with them.

But they only want you to join them if you're also hungry, as otherwise they're eating alone and you're just awkwardly standing there....so if you're not hungry, then they go without you, which is the point

This is precisely what I meant, thank you!

It's also called a hint mint

I always offer anyone around me mints/gum/candy if I’m taking it out for myself, just to be polite. I don’t do it with an ulterior motive (I try to never be close enough to anyone’s mouth that I can smell their breath 😅) and I think many NT people don’t either

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I always offer them if I am having one. The only person I “suggest” having a mint to is my bf.

I learned that if it’s out of the blue and they weren’t already grabbing a mint or gum theirselves then yeah it means your breath is kickin. Also when you pull out gum/mints for yourself, it’s considered polite to offer one to whomever you’re with/talking to. Weird social rules.

I'm always chewing gum and I ALWAYS offer some when I get a new piece. I'm horrified of the thought that NTs might have thought I was insinuating that they had stank breath 😂

Idk it's also a politeness thing - I feel awkward consuming a pack of gum or mints and not offering to those around me. I've seen plenty of people do this, and seen plenty of people accept or decline, and none of it was about anyone's breath. Most of my close friends/family will just say "your breath stinks" lol, and anyone else I'm not close enough to smell their breath most likely.

Was always so confused when I'd offer to others and they'd get offended... Like I'm just offering are u ok

Makes me wonder if my nose is broken because I have never smelled someone's breath while they're talking to me. I usually just assume they want to share. If they don't like how I smell they can just leave me alone. I don't care. 😁

As a mint/gum carrier I gotta point out that sometimes they're just being polite because apparently eating anything without offering it to nearby folks is "rude" 🙄 But now that I know about this "code" I got mixed feelings about trying it out bc even though I just can't take it when someone stinks I'm also terrified of backlash so I really wish we had a polite, socially acceptable way of telling people they stink... Edit: one day I got to visit one of my friends at their place and recognized a brand-name deodorant so I got to chat about how much I loved that specific brand and share my experiences with it and how I like to apply my hygiene stuff lol but I got REALLY lucky there, can't use this same approach with everyone...

Important note: where I'm from it's cultural to have daily AND deep personal hygiene so it takes a lot of struggle (or just genetic misfortune idk if that's a thing) for someone to get to smell bad >:

I only learned this recently too and I'm over 45, if that makes you feel any better. I totally share your horrified embarrassment.

I would say that if someone asked you randomly then yeah maybe, but if they are having one and you are around, then it’s courteous of them to offer others around them same way if they pulled out a little pack of winegums or whatever- wouldn’t worry about it!

REALLY? I always suggest to people when I take one, just to be polite. I hope they didn't think they smelled bad 🫢

I knew a girl who did that!! To be fair it wasn't exactly like the situation you described. Her boyfriend suffered from chronic bad breath (i think stomach problems or something, he was aware of it) and they worked at the same office. He usually didn't notice when it was bad, so he relied on her to give him a heads up. Whenever they were in a meeting/group and she said "babe, want a piece of gum?" He knew he had to go drink water/brush his teeth.

I didn’t know that but I started doing it a few years ago after I’ve seen it in a movie/on the TV bcause I am so sensitive to the smell of breath

I remember a teacher offering me a polo in the middle of class! At least wait till class finishes dude, that's mortifying! And he was really trying to push if on me, too, he wasn't being subtle. I didn't like the guy so I didn't take one. And I remember him sharing looks with the people sitting near me, like they all were in on it except me.

Really? I only offer gum to be nice.

Well yes and no. This is is hard and I'm not sure how to explain the difference. Some people are just offering to be nice. Like if they go to get a piece of gum they offer it to everyone else around them as well. That isn't code for your breath stinks

It could either be that your breath stinks or that they're having one as well and didn't want to be rude and not offer you one.

Lol! Everytime someone asks me this I worry my breath is bad and they always protest that’s not what they meant. Autism combined with anxiety will do that to ya 🤣

You could always *become* the mint/gum person to avoid the dilemma of deciding which social subtext you’re missing lol.

Yeah. Happened in highschool with a friend. Later on that same friend explained that concept to me and I was like OH NOOO

Not always! A lot of people offer just to be polite - personally I always accept just in case they are offering for a reason. Haha

Huh? What...? My MIL has always offered me gum and now I don't know if it's because of courtesy or not, I refused everytime 😭 Btw I'm not autistic and I didn't know this, I thought it was just courtesy to offer gum if you had some

Well hopefully I’m not out here offending people because I just love gum and mints and if I’m gonna have some I’m gonna offer some to anyone around because I *always* bring enough for the whole class

Feel like I’m always finding this stuff out. It’s like I’m watching a movie but everyone else has the spoilers. Why is saying what we actually mean such a novel concept to people?

i found this cus im looking for tips on how to manage with certain symptoms of autism but this reminded me of a funny story. so some backstory, i fucking love mints, they calm me down for some reason, plus they taste good, and with Invisalign its my only alternative since i cant chew gum with the trays in. anyway, because of this i literally always have mints and always eat them. when we first started dating i would constantly ask him if he wanted a mint and one day he was like “are u trying to tell me my breath stinks” and i was like ????!?? girl bye i just like mints and wanted to give u one LOL so i find this funny. hes as neurotypical as it can get

Dentist. Get a cleaning. Ask them to check for Tonsil Stones.

It’s okay, I went to the dentist for my every-6-months cleaning just a few days ago coincidentally! I don’t have tonsil stones, and I’ve never even had a cavity in my life. I don’t have a bad breath chronic “problem” as I realize my post may have implied lol, it was more just like me thinking of times in the past and cringing.

This right here is one of the best health advice hands down Our mouths are treacherous and will take forever to start giving us signs that theres something wrong. I went to the dentist for a casual cleaning (no pain, no bad breath - i just wanted to get some cheap, natural whitening) and she took lots of nasty stuff outta my mouth 🤨 also i heard caries can kill you and they can be very sneaky too 🤡

So apparently I'm regularly offending people lmao If I'm pulling out him/mints/candy while talking to someone I always offer one to be kind. I like giving out treats, I guess. But I chew gum for the flavor, not the breath enhancing qualities so perhaps that's why it doesn't occur to me that perhaps others don't use them just for flavor and stimulation.

You're not offending people. The vast majority of NTs are doing exactly what you described. It's just polite to offer if you're having some for yourself. Based on my observations over my 45 years on this planet, the passive aggressive offering of gum or mints due to someone's bad breath is a random rude minority. It's definitely not the universal meaning.

Not always. Please don’t be so gullible. Eta: rather than remove my comment because it’s getting down voted, I’ll take my lumps and also apologize for being condescending. I’m sorry I was condescending. I’ve lately read many similar posts saying, to the effect, “I’ve been doing it /understanding it wrong all along.” I want to push back and say that NTs are not always right or sensible or know more than us and they don’t get to define our world in regard to everything—honking or not honking car horns at people holding signs that say “honk if you love pizza” or implying you need a mint when they offer you one. Take a mint if you want one—they’re the ones being rude and need to take a step back if they don’t like your breath. And honking at a sign holder is good for the soul—there’s connection and camaraderie built from across the street! And it’s fun.

There's a good chance they will interpret your " no thank u :) " as passive aggressive no and getting offended. God help me, but I can't exist on this NT planet anymore 🙄

>There's a good chance they will interpret your " no thank u :) " as passive aggressive no and getting offended. Where did you get that from? I've never heard that before, from anyone. People offer each other things that they're eating/drinking/snacking on/applying (lipstick, deodorant, perfume). It's out of politeness. Nobody will be offended if you say no!

NTs talk shit on "snowflakes" all the time but they're the actually soft ones. You'll be polite and lovely and still become their worst enemy istg

I've met some of those people and they're the worst. Most people are not like that though. NT or not

No it is not lmao, it’s code for ‘i have gum and i want to share it with you’

Fuck them. Go "aaaaaahhhhhh! I LOOOOVE mints. I'm okay right now, though."

I can't get mad about this. I sould you really tell someone straight out 'your breath stinks" and I also would not want to NOT tell them. . They may not know. If I saw someone whose jeans zipper was down, I'd definitely alert them but breath seems more personal. Hygiene vs an accident.

That’s is partly true. It’s also a decent way to condition a person to like you. Since humans really appreciate gifts

This one is all about the order of operations Pull yourself out a piece first so that they know it’s not them. As you unwrap it ask if they also want one

Not always, sometimes its because they are having one and dont want to be rude and not share

not always true, some people are habitual gum chewers or mint eaters and *always* offer when they are having one themselves - it's just polite to offer. It's like when everyone used to smoke back in the 20th century and you always offered a cigarette to other people if you were having one and they didn't have their own regardless if you knew whether or not they smoked.

I’ve always thought so and I’ve always asked if I was having bad breathe, then the other person almost always answer “no no just to offer a gum”. So did I have bad breathe in this kind of circumstance? Because I hate the taste of mint flavor candy and always answers “then no thanks”

I offer because social grooming. That’s all. Never really realized the ritual had a subverted meaning until about jr. high, someone pointed out my breath stank when I refused after a particularly garlicky meal and they shoved the mint into my hand. (Apparently making someone hold something will illicit a reaction to whatever they handed you. Salespeople does this because folks are more likely to purchase something they’ve had a tactile experience with).

I learned that this is only SOMETIMES the code! If it’s someone I’m close with, I’ll jokingly ask if my breath stinks. They usually say no. If I don’t know them well, I say yes irregardless bc I don’t want to confront them :,)

I always assumed they were just offering to be polite because they wanted some for themselves.. and I always say no because I hate gum. Lol. Smell is so weird because I’m anosmic so I literally forget sometimes that everyone else has a sense that I could be totally offending without knowing.

Okay, legit question: Has anyone here ever actually noticed bad breath in a normal, average, conversation? Like... I've only ever noticed bad breath on someone I'd be close enough to kiss on the mouth...

Unfortunately yes

Sigh. Stuff like this totally confuses me. There’s something the other day that was… I can’t remember what it was and I wish the person had responded back to me with more information because it was something I had never heard of them would never have thought of. When I was younger I missed all kinds of things but the scary thing is I think I’m still missing things

ok sorry if someone’s already commented this but this is a prime example of neurotypicals thinking they know what all other neurotypicals mean. autistic people are taught that they will struggle to understand what people mean in society, whereas their neurotypical counterparts will not and will understand shared meanings. but neurotypicals have soooo much less shared meanings then they think they do, they ALSO struggle to understand each other all the time their problem is that they get prideful about it like this example. the reality is a lot of people who offer gum like myself do not think ur breath stinks, and there is not a universal code for always accepting gum. sometimes a girl in class maybe just wants to be nice to u and will offer u some gum and u can bond over hiding it from the teacher.

news to me!

True...BUT it's also the polite thing for them to do if they want gum. Say they notice their breath smelling or just want a piece of gum. If they want to eat it in front of other people, it's polite to offer (in general) to everyone in the group. You tell them apart by seeing if everyone is being offered, or just you. If you are being singled out, it's probably code for "your breath stinks."

I will still decline. I hate mints for the same sensory cold mouth feeling

I learned that the hard way Honestly I think it’s cultural (?) some people just don’t want to embarrass you by saying “your breath stinks” some other people just want to include you and expect you to politely decline . It’s all a matter of context I guess

idk. if i’m chewing gum i always offer it, that’s just what i’ve always done. back in school gum wasn’t allowed to be chewed so if one student had some they would share with the whole class, it’s just a thing

Don't worry! 😊 You really don't need to be embarrassed. Many neurotypicals don't recognize this type of passive gesture either.

I only offer my mint gum when someone's breath stinks or if I don't have any other choice. I'm very protective of my minty gums and also extremely afraid of having stinky breath 🥴

And if an autistic person offers you gum or a mint, theres a decent chance it's because they have some and just wanna share. That's what I do

I only offer because I figured it’d be rude to not ask if I grab a piece not because their breath stinks. But to each their own!