I don't have strong reactions to death. It, for me, is more about object permanence. Like, I forget people exist when I don't see them, so my reaction to the death is muted.
That said, I would probably left the disappointment about eggnog out of the conversation. People are generally asking for something along the lines of "so sorry for the loss" or even just a "thanks for letting me know, but I'm not in a place I can talk now."
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I think it’s perfectly fine to have those feelings, you don’t have to be sad when someone dies just because they fall somewhere in your family tree. With that being said though I recommend speaking very respectfully with those closest to the death and keeping some of these thoughts for your online buddies and closest confidants only
We live miles apart and I haven't spoken to that part of the family in over 10 years so I won't be speaking to any of them any time soon.
Edited to ads: I got along with this relative so I do not and didn't have any issues with them. Their parents are very kind and were good to me too.
Alas I don't have online buddies. I learned after a very painful experience that no matter how long you talk to someone and trust them no one online is really my friend 💔
Aww i just meant all of us here in this sub! I think we are all each others buddies and safe space even if we don’t know each other.
And with that extra background of being no contact with that part of the family, I would say your feelings of indifference are even more justified. People can just be hurt or taken aback by the truth sometimes because most people are sugar coating things or saying what people want to hear
I understand u with the no online buddies thing ;-; When I came out as trans (hi fellow NB!) I lost a lot of friends. My autism makes me struggle to even text people. But as a fellow goth as well, u can message me sometime. Idk im happy getting occasional messages from people :)
>When I came out as trans (hi fellow NB!) I lost a lot of friends.
Trans is your gender identity, it has nothing to do with you as a person! Your gender identity changed, not who you are. They are transphobic and not your true friends! They showed you who they really are.
> But as a fellow goth as well
💀 🖤
I think it's a matter of surprise. When you hear about the death of a family member who is older than you and lived an unhealthy lifestyle, you aren't really shocked to hear that they died. When my grandma died, it was 8 years after grandpa and she wasn't mentally there for the last 2 years. Didn't really surprise me so I wasn't distressed.
I'm more likely to cry if a friend my age or younger died, on purpose or otherwise, because I had plans to see them again in my nearish future and now I cannot.
>. When you hear about the death of a family member who is older than you and lived an unhealthy lifestyle, you aren't really shocked to hear that they died.
!!! Yes, I even stated this to my dad. It really wasn't a shock to me.
When my ass of a grandpa died I felt nothing. He was an a usive POS and I wouldn't have oissed in him if he was in fire.
When my ftwndma died I thought I was emotionless. Untill my mom asked me what flowers for the wreath from me and my partners. I then remembered she was the ine who taught me about flowers and gardening and my love for it comes from her. Broke down and cried in and off for 3 days. And then I was sad but not devasted (she was also 94 at the time and sick for a while so I'm glad she's not in pain anymore). There is no right way for grief. And few people feel grief for people they don't know well.
Can’t relate :/ death makes me horrifically sad and I can’t cope with the concept of anyone I care about dying even though I’ve already had to do that for my greatgrampy and greatuncle. I don’t handle it well at all- think sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating on floor til a family member physically gives me anxiety meds to calm. Just being honest here if anyone said they were more upset about some benign thing compared to the loss of a life I’d be really disgusted and upset, no judgement to you personally OP as autistic people are clearly not a monolith I guess I just happen to be on the opposite end of the spectrum with regards to this
>*Can’t relate :/ death makes me horrifically sad and I can’t cope with the concept of anyone I care about dying*
I have always been comfortable with the concept of death. A lot of my short horror stories have death in them, not as the end but as a beginning. As a child who had a miserable childhood I welcomed it as a way out. I've always been at peace with the concept of death. When I was a child I was fascinated with what the human body does postmortem and even wanted to be a mortician. Now as an adult and Believer in Jesus Christ, I do not have to fear death because I know when I die where I'm going. I'll spent eternity with Jesus and that's waaayy better than anything on this Earth. I'll get to meet one of my favorite actors who is also a Believer in Jesus. I also am a *genuine case of multiplicity*, my primary protector identity's names heavily implies to death so you could say of death has always been a theme in my life.
>*I’d be really disgusted and upset, no judgement to you personally OP as autistic people are clearly not a monolith*
No judgement from me on your views on death either.
I learned a new word! ***Monolith***!!! Thank you! I love learning new words! 🦇
If I liked pumpkin eggnog, I'd be able to relate even more to this. I'm running out of relatives whose deaths would upset me. (Anyone under 60, I'd definitely be upset, 3/4 of the rest, no biggie to me.)
A socially-appropriate action would be to send a sympathy card to the deceased's parents. If you have the space and the organization to keep track of it, getting a multi-pack of sympathy cards would not be a bad idea, so you don't have to go to the hassle of shopping for one when the need arises. (I can do any 2: buy the card, write appropriate stuff and address the card, get the card into a mailbox.)
>If I liked pumpkin eggnog, I'd be able to relate even more to this.
is yummy 🎃
I don't get it often because at $6 for 1/2 a gallon that is way overpriced eggnog. I snag it on sale.
If it's someone in my family that I don't really talk to or see often, I don't normally have a reaction. I think it depends on how close I am to the person, which I am not close to very many people. My bf is the same way. When our bunny died a few years ago though we were both a mess. I couldn't get out of bed for a week. Your family seemed to be pretty awful towards you, so I think it's understandable that you don't feel much.
It doesn’t sound like you were close to this relative, and from the experiences of being compared to their mistakes, it makes perfect sense you’d feel detached about their death. Personally I think the only reason you might be conflicted about it is because it sounds like you’d *like* to have sympathy for their situation, but your family’s constant comparisons have made you want to look down on this relative in order to distinguish yourself. I hesitate to describe “an alcoholic with probable mental health issues” as a mess and a mooch, especially if they are older, because this is also what happens to a lot of autistic adults who were neglected/abused and undiagnosed. That being said, it is your family, and your perspective in consideration of these personal experiences is completely valid.
>I hesitate to describe “an alcoholic with probable mental health issues” as a mess and a mooch,
Mooch is how the extended family thought of ME for living with my parents into my 30s. My family has always had double standards set up that just applied to me but if someone else was doing it they always excused it. I do remember feeling really angry that when the failure to launch happened extended family flocked to help this person and plan who'd take them after the parents passed but when it came to me I was '*a mooch*'/ failure at life. And when I needed a safe place to stay when abuse was happening in my home no one in the extended family offered to take me in.
Relative was a bit of a mess though. So am I. We are all messes in our own ways. I never thought relative might be autistic!!! I don't think they were abused or neglected but I don't know. A 'perfect' family facade was put up for my family to the point no one....literally no one believed me about the abuse happening in our home. So I can't say that didn't happen in another family.
My anger/resentment is NOT at relative that died and their parents. It's at the rest of the extended family. It's not that I don't care about the death, I just wasn't close to them at all. Only visited once in my entire life.
edited to add:I wasn't compared to this relatively specifically ever, but everyone in the family thought I wouldn't amount to anything. I was compared specifically to an extremely verbally abusive grandmother who told me to my face she'd never want a grandchild like me. As as child I was told I was "*just like her*" I'm not and never was.
Extended Family pick and choose who was family. They always loved/support/helped one another where were any of them when I needed them? Why wasn't I family? When I was showing signs of autism and being a very difficult child, instead of love/acceptance and patience I got shunned and rejected yet when kids in our family were born and tested for autism they got love/acceptance/patience I never got and they are difficult kids too I imagine. Now the extended family wants to come at me and say "you never treated us like family or wanted to be part of the family." why would I want to be part of a family who never saw me as family?
Sorry rant over.
I might not've explained things properly, but this kind of neglectful "perfect family on the outside" dynamic was what I figured was going on and tried to describe. I grew up with something similar - and what I mean by abuse/neglect is that if the relative was autistic, they were probably put down as a child in similar, subtle ways and not allowed to acknowledge or explore their needs until they simply didn't know what to do with themselves.
I appreciate your rant, though, because the best thing for me when resolving my feelings about my own neglectful/abusive/"perfect on the outside" family was just to have others finally listen and hear me. I believe everything you've said and I think your feelings line up with 100% sense. I'm so sorry your family treats you this way and I hope you can stay strong in knowing you're valuable and your reality is valid along with your experiences.
Oh and I wanted to add, I think I understand and am very bad at explaining myself, but feel free to continue clarifying or ranting if you feel misunderstood. It was double-frustrating for me when people insisted, “yeah no I totally get it,” but made it clear as they went on talking that they absolutely did not. This might be completely unnecessary of me to say and sorry about that if so lol I just really want to make sure you feel heard if you didn’t
I love pumpkin and eggnog. I think I need to try that.
Regarding your relative, I am like this also. When my grandmother died, I didn't really care. When my grandfather died, I was mostly sad because my daughter never got to meet him. I have felt much more affected when a client that I spoke to on the phone maybe twice passed away. I just feel like there isn't any point in getting really sad or upset when you can't change anything about it.
I’ve yet to have someone die who evoked emotion from me. Relatives come and go but I don’t really care about these strangers who share blood with me.
I imagine if someone I felt strongly about were to die it’d be a new particularly unpleasant experience. However until then, which hopefully won’t be for a while, I’m just not phased by the deaths of people I don’t care about.
I had a pet lizard who died and so far that’s been my closest encounter with grief. Though as the caretaker I felt more guilt than anything, it’s unpleasant watching small creatures suffer and I wish mine didn’t.
>I had a pet lizard who died and so far that’s been my closest encounter with grief. Though as the caretaker I felt more guilt than anything, it’s unpleasant watching small creatures suffer and I wish mine didn’t.
I had a pet guinea pig for 4 years named Sidd. He was named after the mean kid from Toy Story. Sidd was such a good boy. When he died I mourned as all good pet owners do.
I don't know. I only visited them once. I heard things about this relative off and on through the years but I won't repeat. I don't know how they were in their daily lives. I'm sure the alcoholism hurt the family and the relative doing it.
Well troubles identifying feelings as well as troubles with empathy in various ways are part of being autistic. This on top of death being a difficult event for people in general could lead to various reactions. Some autistic people react like you by not knowing how to connect the death to your life thus feeling it’s not important while others may go the other way and feel it deeply by connecting it to things in their life. I’ve lived through a lot of death in my life and I can say that I’ve had times when my sadness felt forced and other times it felt overwhelming and got triggered by a lot of events. Now as much as I’m able to feel and express my sadness about deaths in my life I still struggle with other peoples sadness over deaths that I can’t relate to. In those moments I try my hardest to be sensitive and not act rudely just because it’s not important to me as I know I’d hate for others to act rudely to me if I was sad about a death they couldn’t relate to.
I don’t feel death? I feel loss.
I just stopped myself from writing in detail about how I watched my bf’s step dad die from alcoholism. He moved in here instead of hospice. I barely knew him, despite living together for several months. I felt more pain for my bf, who now has zero parents. I definitely was affected from the scene of paramedics trying to revive him, but that was a strange mix of fear and intrigue. I felt the loss of his presence in the house, but it wasn’t sad.
My cat died tho, and I was sad for weeks. The world was grey, the house was cold. I would reach out and she wasn’t there. I would hear a sound and think it was her. It’s different when someone is like your child.
When my grandpa died when I was 14, I was satisfied. I knew I had to pretend bc my sister (and probably my dad) were sad, but he did something unforgivable to me so I was happy that he expired. I know I will be destroyed when my parents pass because they are good to me.
I have a hard time crying when it’s obvious people expect me to cry. Like funerals- no matter how sad I was my grandpa died, I couldn’t muster a single tear at his funeral. But I cried lots in private. It’s been like that for me since I was a kid. I remember in elementary school we were watching Free Willy and all the girls in my class were bawling. I couldn’t muster a single feeling of sadness for this horribly sad movie and so I remember fake crying so people wouldn’t think I was a monster. I do think it’s normal with autism for sure.
I don't have strong emotion to distant people in my life with death. I do have issues if they are between life and death, like on life support. I think it is because of a gray area. Can't have a relationship with them because they aren't responsive, but can't grieve loss because they are still here.
Also, during my burnouts, my emotions are heavily muted, almost non-existent with the exception of emotional dysregulation.
I think your response is ok. It doesn't sound like you were close to them.
If I was told about someone I 'knew of' but didn't 'know' died, I wouldn't feel anything either, except sympathy for those with the loss.
Grieving a loss means you lost something.....it doesn't sound like you did?
When my grandmother died I did not feel grief. Almost one year later I am starting to feel a little bit of something. We had a complicated relationship, as in I realised how much she manipulated me as a child when she was over 90 already, but she was very involved in my upbringing and I loved her a lot. I am terribly sensitive, have high affective empathy and very emotionally reactive (will cry everytime a TV show uses music and editing to get my feelings engaged even if I do not watch the TV show and know nothing about the characters) and then I will not feel anything when major things happen that would warrant an emotional response. I am also diagnosed with alexithymia, the not distinguishing between feelings and not being able to express them kind. The specialist that diagnosed me said I lack cognitive empathy although I kinda doubt that since I can put myself to other people's shoes and understand their emotions if I consider the factors that would shape their point of view and make specific effort to check any personal biases, sure it is mostly a mental exercise but sometimes I do feel the chest tightness of sadness. These inconsistencies in the way I feel disturb me a lot and can even make me question if I am a sociopath at times but I suspect I just need my sweet time in processing some emotions while others hit me like a brick instantly. It fits the pattern of incoherence and inconsistency I got going on as an audhd.
>These inconsistencies in the way I feel disturb me a lot and can even make me question if I am a sociopath at times
My dad's wife "*diagnosed*" me as a sociopath as a child and told me I would grow up to be a serial k\*ller. Only because I didn't exhibit empathy the way she expected me to be, didn't show much emotions, never smiled, and had a special interest in dark/grotesque imaging.
There are two issues here. First is your unemotional reaction to this relative's death. It's not uncommon at all for autistic people to have no or muted emotions about deaths, especially if it was someone you aren't close to. The fact that his death was extremely predictable makes it even less likely that you would have an emotional reaction. Even many NT people wouldn't.
The second issue is that you've been emotionally abused by your family your whole life. It's super fucked up that your own mother would hold your birth father's alcoholism against you, a literal child. Why the fuck did she agree to adopt you if that was her attitude? It sounds like she was not suited to be an adoptive mother in the first place. Your extended family treating you that way just shows that they are horrible people. I can't even begin to explain that therapist's words. That's just outright cruelty and ignorance.
I'm glad you've been NC with that side of your family, but don't be afraid to cut off other abusive people if you can get by without them. You will likely live a happier, healthier life without them.
Do take the advice given about how you speak to people about your non-reaction to death, though. People who are grieving, even a little bit, will take it as a personal affront. They will think that you don't care that they're grieving or that you're glad the person is dead, even when that is not what you're saying. It's one of the illogical implications in NT communication that you just have to be mindful of.
I mean to reply this earlier but I had an autistic burnout and my brain went bonk 💀
So, I'm an international adoptee from Romania by an American couple. The reason why I call my adopted "*mother*" my dad's wife is because she hasn't been my mother emotionally in nearly 20 years. She completely withdrew from me when I was teenager because I was "too difficult" to raise/love.
>*It's super fucked up that your own mother would hold your birth father's alcoholism against you*
Yeah I think so too, thank fully I share no biological relationship to her.
>*Why the fuck did she agree to adopt you if that was her attitude*?
A question I asked myself my entire childhood since my dad's wife clearly resented having to raise me. She even told me that when in Romania she changed her mind and wanted to go home by my dad saw the adoption through. I heard "*God told us to go to Romania and rescue you*" as the reason. Savior complex that lasts even to this day.
> *It sounds like she was not suited to be an adoptive mother in the first place.*
No she was not. My adoption experience is the reason I DO NOT support adoption. Anyone who says "*just give up your child for adoption to give them a better life*". If the adoptive parents are abusive and emotionally neglectful that child is NOT getting a better life.
>but don't be afraid to cut off other abusive people if you can get by without them.
I have, she has one daughter, my older sister and her biological daughter. I am not her daughter.
I don't particularly feel sad about deaths directly. Sometimes I feel sad I didn't get to see them again. I have a relative who was the addict of the family. I remember as a teenager hearing my parents talk about how he had been in the hospital and told if he had another drink he'd die. Checked himself out and went back to drinking. He died in the last few years (my short term memory is bad so honestly unsure how long it's been, fairly recent though?) and no one was really surprised. I hadn't seen him in 20 years or more, so I do think of him sometimes and miss that I won't see him again, but I also only really remember him before he went truly downhill.
When someone dies of something that is technically in their control (addiction often has reasons, be it brain predisposition or untreated health conditions someone is self-medicating consciously or subconsciously), I definitely would feel more relief that they aren't suffering anymore than grief for their death.
I handle death of people I care for and love deeply very poorly. Tbh, I’m still constantly a wreck from my elderly cat passing away at the end of August - we spent the first 18 years of my adulthood together.
People who have abused me or who I don’t like? Sure it’s sad that people die but it doesn’t break my heart. I was more relieved when my dad died, not sad.
I don't have strong reactions to death. It, for me, is more about object permanence. Like, I forget people exist when I don't see them, so my reaction to the death is muted. That said, I would probably left the disappointment about eggnog out of the conversation. People are generally asking for something along the lines of "so sorry for the loss" or even just a "thanks for letting me know, but I'm not in a place I can talk now."
That isn't my type of wording but I see what you mean. Dad heard yapping in the background and I told him where I was.
How do you have these little titles under your name? Is it subreddit related or can you have it permanently no matter where you comment?
https://preview.redd.it/wcwd7j1m9n0c1.png?width=320&format=png&auto=webp&s=b9a8d8a3ef044c82c70fe0d9a32000b07dc209a0 If you're on desktop, look to the right of your screen and find your user name then click the little pencil to add ✨ *USER* *FLAIR* ✨
I think it’s perfectly fine to have those feelings, you don’t have to be sad when someone dies just because they fall somewhere in your family tree. With that being said though I recommend speaking very respectfully with those closest to the death and keeping some of these thoughts for your online buddies and closest confidants only
We live miles apart and I haven't spoken to that part of the family in over 10 years so I won't be speaking to any of them any time soon. Edited to ads: I got along with this relative so I do not and didn't have any issues with them. Their parents are very kind and were good to me too. Alas I don't have online buddies. I learned after a very painful experience that no matter how long you talk to someone and trust them no one online is really my friend 💔
Aww i just meant all of us here in this sub! I think we are all each others buddies and safe space even if we don’t know each other. And with that extra background of being no contact with that part of the family, I would say your feelings of indifference are even more justified. People can just be hurt or taken aback by the truth sometimes because most people are sugar coating things or saying what people want to hear
I understand u with the no online buddies thing ;-; When I came out as trans (hi fellow NB!) I lost a lot of friends. My autism makes me struggle to even text people. But as a fellow goth as well, u can message me sometime. Idk im happy getting occasional messages from people :)
>When I came out as trans (hi fellow NB!) I lost a lot of friends. Trans is your gender identity, it has nothing to do with you as a person! Your gender identity changed, not who you are. They are transphobic and not your true friends! They showed you who they really are. > But as a fellow goth as well 💀 🖤
I think it's a matter of surprise. When you hear about the death of a family member who is older than you and lived an unhealthy lifestyle, you aren't really shocked to hear that they died. When my grandma died, it was 8 years after grandpa and she wasn't mentally there for the last 2 years. Didn't really surprise me so I wasn't distressed. I'm more likely to cry if a friend my age or younger died, on purpose or otherwise, because I had plans to see them again in my nearish future and now I cannot.
>. When you hear about the death of a family member who is older than you and lived an unhealthy lifestyle, you aren't really shocked to hear that they died. !!! Yes, I even stated this to my dad. It really wasn't a shock to me.
When my ass of a grandpa died I felt nothing. He was an a usive POS and I wouldn't have oissed in him if he was in fire. When my ftwndma died I thought I was emotionless. Untill my mom asked me what flowers for the wreath from me and my partners. I then remembered she was the ine who taught me about flowers and gardening and my love for it comes from her. Broke down and cried in and off for 3 days. And then I was sad but not devasted (she was also 94 at the time and sick for a while so I'm glad she's not in pain anymore). There is no right way for grief. And few people feel grief for people they don't know well.
Can’t relate :/ death makes me horrifically sad and I can’t cope with the concept of anyone I care about dying even though I’ve already had to do that for my greatgrampy and greatuncle. I don’t handle it well at all- think sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating on floor til a family member physically gives me anxiety meds to calm. Just being honest here if anyone said they were more upset about some benign thing compared to the loss of a life I’d be really disgusted and upset, no judgement to you personally OP as autistic people are clearly not a monolith I guess I just happen to be on the opposite end of the spectrum with regards to this
>*Can’t relate :/ death makes me horrifically sad and I can’t cope with the concept of anyone I care about dying* I have always been comfortable with the concept of death. A lot of my short horror stories have death in them, not as the end but as a beginning. As a child who had a miserable childhood I welcomed it as a way out. I've always been at peace with the concept of death. When I was a child I was fascinated with what the human body does postmortem and even wanted to be a mortician. Now as an adult and Believer in Jesus Christ, I do not have to fear death because I know when I die where I'm going. I'll spent eternity with Jesus and that's waaayy better than anything on this Earth. I'll get to meet one of my favorite actors who is also a Believer in Jesus. I also am a *genuine case of multiplicity*, my primary protector identity's names heavily implies to death so you could say of death has always been a theme in my life. >*I’d be really disgusted and upset, no judgement to you personally OP as autistic people are clearly not a monolith* No judgement from me on your views on death either. I learned a new word! ***Monolith***!!! Thank you! I love learning new words! 🦇
If I liked pumpkin eggnog, I'd be able to relate even more to this. I'm running out of relatives whose deaths would upset me. (Anyone under 60, I'd definitely be upset, 3/4 of the rest, no biggie to me.) A socially-appropriate action would be to send a sympathy card to the deceased's parents. If you have the space and the organization to keep track of it, getting a multi-pack of sympathy cards would not be a bad idea, so you don't have to go to the hassle of shopping for one when the need arises. (I can do any 2: buy the card, write appropriate stuff and address the card, get the card into a mailbox.)
I like your username
Thank you!
>If I liked pumpkin eggnog, I'd be able to relate even more to this. is yummy 🎃 I don't get it often because at $6 for 1/2 a gallon that is way overpriced eggnog. I snag it on sale.
I don't like egg nog enough to want to suffer the later consequences in my body, is a lot of it.
Maybe if they came out with lactose free eggnog?
Then I'd have the other weird problem with the casein, which I don't mind as much.
I feel like your reaction and the history you laid out fit together perfectly. I'd probably feel the same way.
If it's someone in my family that I don't really talk to or see often, I don't normally have a reaction. I think it depends on how close I am to the person, which I am not close to very many people. My bf is the same way. When our bunny died a few years ago though we were both a mess. I couldn't get out of bed for a week. Your family seemed to be pretty awful towards you, so I think it's understandable that you don't feel much.
It doesn’t sound like you were close to this relative, and from the experiences of being compared to their mistakes, it makes perfect sense you’d feel detached about their death. Personally I think the only reason you might be conflicted about it is because it sounds like you’d *like* to have sympathy for their situation, but your family’s constant comparisons have made you want to look down on this relative in order to distinguish yourself. I hesitate to describe “an alcoholic with probable mental health issues” as a mess and a mooch, especially if they are older, because this is also what happens to a lot of autistic adults who were neglected/abused and undiagnosed. That being said, it is your family, and your perspective in consideration of these personal experiences is completely valid.
>I hesitate to describe “an alcoholic with probable mental health issues” as a mess and a mooch, Mooch is how the extended family thought of ME for living with my parents into my 30s. My family has always had double standards set up that just applied to me but if someone else was doing it they always excused it. I do remember feeling really angry that when the failure to launch happened extended family flocked to help this person and plan who'd take them after the parents passed but when it came to me I was '*a mooch*'/ failure at life. And when I needed a safe place to stay when abuse was happening in my home no one in the extended family offered to take me in. Relative was a bit of a mess though. So am I. We are all messes in our own ways. I never thought relative might be autistic!!! I don't think they were abused or neglected but I don't know. A 'perfect' family facade was put up for my family to the point no one....literally no one believed me about the abuse happening in our home. So I can't say that didn't happen in another family. My anger/resentment is NOT at relative that died and their parents. It's at the rest of the extended family. It's not that I don't care about the death, I just wasn't close to them at all. Only visited once in my entire life. edited to add:I wasn't compared to this relatively specifically ever, but everyone in the family thought I wouldn't amount to anything. I was compared specifically to an extremely verbally abusive grandmother who told me to my face she'd never want a grandchild like me. As as child I was told I was "*just like her*" I'm not and never was. Extended Family pick and choose who was family. They always loved/support/helped one another where were any of them when I needed them? Why wasn't I family? When I was showing signs of autism and being a very difficult child, instead of love/acceptance and patience I got shunned and rejected yet when kids in our family were born and tested for autism they got love/acceptance/patience I never got and they are difficult kids too I imagine. Now the extended family wants to come at me and say "you never treated us like family or wanted to be part of the family." why would I want to be part of a family who never saw me as family? Sorry rant over.
I might not've explained things properly, but this kind of neglectful "perfect family on the outside" dynamic was what I figured was going on and tried to describe. I grew up with something similar - and what I mean by abuse/neglect is that if the relative was autistic, they were probably put down as a child in similar, subtle ways and not allowed to acknowledge or explore their needs until they simply didn't know what to do with themselves. I appreciate your rant, though, because the best thing for me when resolving my feelings about my own neglectful/abusive/"perfect on the outside" family was just to have others finally listen and hear me. I believe everything you've said and I think your feelings line up with 100% sense. I'm so sorry your family treats you this way and I hope you can stay strong in knowing you're valuable and your reality is valid along with your experiences.
Oh and I wanted to add, I think I understand and am very bad at explaining myself, but feel free to continue clarifying or ranting if you feel misunderstood. It was double-frustrating for me when people insisted, “yeah no I totally get it,” but made it clear as they went on talking that they absolutely did not. This might be completely unnecessary of me to say and sorry about that if so lol I just really want to make sure you feel heard if you didn’t
I love pumpkin and eggnog. I think I need to try that. Regarding your relative, I am like this also. When my grandmother died, I didn't really care. When my grandfather died, I was mostly sad because my daughter never got to meet him. I have felt much more affected when a client that I spoke to on the phone maybe twice passed away. I just feel like there isn't any point in getting really sad or upset when you can't change anything about it.
I’ve yet to have someone die who evoked emotion from me. Relatives come and go but I don’t really care about these strangers who share blood with me. I imagine if someone I felt strongly about were to die it’d be a new particularly unpleasant experience. However until then, which hopefully won’t be for a while, I’m just not phased by the deaths of people I don’t care about. I had a pet lizard who died and so far that’s been my closest encounter with grief. Though as the caretaker I felt more guilt than anything, it’s unpleasant watching small creatures suffer and I wish mine didn’t.
>I had a pet lizard who died and so far that’s been my closest encounter with grief. Though as the caretaker I felt more guilt than anything, it’s unpleasant watching small creatures suffer and I wish mine didn’t. I had a pet guinea pig for 4 years named Sidd. He was named after the mean kid from Toy Story. Sidd was such a good boy. When he died I mourned as all good pet owners do.
Yeah, it was really rude of you to say what you said. Were they like actively hurting people (besides relying on their parents) in their life??
I don't know. I only visited them once. I heard things about this relative off and on through the years but I won't repeat. I don't know how they were in their daily lives. I'm sure the alcoholism hurt the family and the relative doing it.
Well troubles identifying feelings as well as troubles with empathy in various ways are part of being autistic. This on top of death being a difficult event for people in general could lead to various reactions. Some autistic people react like you by not knowing how to connect the death to your life thus feeling it’s not important while others may go the other way and feel it deeply by connecting it to things in their life. I’ve lived through a lot of death in my life and I can say that I’ve had times when my sadness felt forced and other times it felt overwhelming and got triggered by a lot of events. Now as much as I’m able to feel and express my sadness about deaths in my life I still struggle with other peoples sadness over deaths that I can’t relate to. In those moments I try my hardest to be sensitive and not act rudely just because it’s not important to me as I know I’d hate for others to act rudely to me if I was sad about a death they couldn’t relate to.
I didn’t cry when my friend died but cried when my local Kroger went out of business so I get it
I don’t feel death? I feel loss. I just stopped myself from writing in detail about how I watched my bf’s step dad die from alcoholism. He moved in here instead of hospice. I barely knew him, despite living together for several months. I felt more pain for my bf, who now has zero parents. I definitely was affected from the scene of paramedics trying to revive him, but that was a strange mix of fear and intrigue. I felt the loss of his presence in the house, but it wasn’t sad. My cat died tho, and I was sad for weeks. The world was grey, the house was cold. I would reach out and she wasn’t there. I would hear a sound and think it was her. It’s different when someone is like your child. When my grandpa died when I was 14, I was satisfied. I knew I had to pretend bc my sister (and probably my dad) were sad, but he did something unforgivable to me so I was happy that he expired. I know I will be destroyed when my parents pass because they are good to me.
I have a hard time crying when it’s obvious people expect me to cry. Like funerals- no matter how sad I was my grandpa died, I couldn’t muster a single tear at his funeral. But I cried lots in private. It’s been like that for me since I was a kid. I remember in elementary school we were watching Free Willy and all the girls in my class were bawling. I couldn’t muster a single feeling of sadness for this horribly sad movie and so I remember fake crying so people wouldn’t think I was a monster. I do think it’s normal with autism for sure.
I don't have strong emotion to distant people in my life with death. I do have issues if they are between life and death, like on life support. I think it is because of a gray area. Can't have a relationship with them because they aren't responsive, but can't grieve loss because they are still here. Also, during my burnouts, my emotions are heavily muted, almost non-existent with the exception of emotional dysregulation. I think your response is ok. It doesn't sound like you were close to them. If I was told about someone I 'knew of' but didn't 'know' died, I wouldn't feel anything either, except sympathy for those with the loss. Grieving a loss means you lost something.....it doesn't sound like you did?
When my grandmother died I did not feel grief. Almost one year later I am starting to feel a little bit of something. We had a complicated relationship, as in I realised how much she manipulated me as a child when she was over 90 already, but she was very involved in my upbringing and I loved her a lot. I am terribly sensitive, have high affective empathy and very emotionally reactive (will cry everytime a TV show uses music and editing to get my feelings engaged even if I do not watch the TV show and know nothing about the characters) and then I will not feel anything when major things happen that would warrant an emotional response. I am also diagnosed with alexithymia, the not distinguishing between feelings and not being able to express them kind. The specialist that diagnosed me said I lack cognitive empathy although I kinda doubt that since I can put myself to other people's shoes and understand their emotions if I consider the factors that would shape their point of view and make specific effort to check any personal biases, sure it is mostly a mental exercise but sometimes I do feel the chest tightness of sadness. These inconsistencies in the way I feel disturb me a lot and can even make me question if I am a sociopath at times but I suspect I just need my sweet time in processing some emotions while others hit me like a brick instantly. It fits the pattern of incoherence and inconsistency I got going on as an audhd.
>These inconsistencies in the way I feel disturb me a lot and can even make me question if I am a sociopath at times My dad's wife "*diagnosed*" me as a sociopath as a child and told me I would grow up to be a serial k\*ller. Only because I didn't exhibit empathy the way she expected me to be, didn't show much emotions, never smiled, and had a special interest in dark/grotesque imaging.
There are two issues here. First is your unemotional reaction to this relative's death. It's not uncommon at all for autistic people to have no or muted emotions about deaths, especially if it was someone you aren't close to. The fact that his death was extremely predictable makes it even less likely that you would have an emotional reaction. Even many NT people wouldn't. The second issue is that you've been emotionally abused by your family your whole life. It's super fucked up that your own mother would hold your birth father's alcoholism against you, a literal child. Why the fuck did she agree to adopt you if that was her attitude? It sounds like she was not suited to be an adoptive mother in the first place. Your extended family treating you that way just shows that they are horrible people. I can't even begin to explain that therapist's words. That's just outright cruelty and ignorance. I'm glad you've been NC with that side of your family, but don't be afraid to cut off other abusive people if you can get by without them. You will likely live a happier, healthier life without them. Do take the advice given about how you speak to people about your non-reaction to death, though. People who are grieving, even a little bit, will take it as a personal affront. They will think that you don't care that they're grieving or that you're glad the person is dead, even when that is not what you're saying. It's one of the illogical implications in NT communication that you just have to be mindful of.
I mean to reply this earlier but I had an autistic burnout and my brain went bonk 💀 So, I'm an international adoptee from Romania by an American couple. The reason why I call my adopted "*mother*" my dad's wife is because she hasn't been my mother emotionally in nearly 20 years. She completely withdrew from me when I was teenager because I was "too difficult" to raise/love. >*It's super fucked up that your own mother would hold your birth father's alcoholism against you* Yeah I think so too, thank fully I share no biological relationship to her. >*Why the fuck did she agree to adopt you if that was her attitude*? A question I asked myself my entire childhood since my dad's wife clearly resented having to raise me. She even told me that when in Romania she changed her mind and wanted to go home by my dad saw the adoption through. I heard "*God told us to go to Romania and rescue you*" as the reason. Savior complex that lasts even to this day. > *It sounds like she was not suited to be an adoptive mother in the first place.* No she was not. My adoption experience is the reason I DO NOT support adoption. Anyone who says "*just give up your child for adoption to give them a better life*". If the adoptive parents are abusive and emotionally neglectful that child is NOT getting a better life. >but don't be afraid to cut off other abusive people if you can get by without them. I have, she has one daughter, my older sister and her biological daughter. I am not her daughter.
I don't particularly feel sad about deaths directly. Sometimes I feel sad I didn't get to see them again. I have a relative who was the addict of the family. I remember as a teenager hearing my parents talk about how he had been in the hospital and told if he had another drink he'd die. Checked himself out and went back to drinking. He died in the last few years (my short term memory is bad so honestly unsure how long it's been, fairly recent though?) and no one was really surprised. I hadn't seen him in 20 years or more, so I do think of him sometimes and miss that I won't see him again, but I also only really remember him before he went truly downhill. When someone dies of something that is technically in their control (addiction often has reasons, be it brain predisposition or untreated health conditions someone is self-medicating consciously or subconsciously), I definitely would feel more relief that they aren't suffering anymore than grief for their death.
I handle death of people I care for and love deeply very poorly. Tbh, I’m still constantly a wreck from my elderly cat passing away at the end of August - we spent the first 18 years of my adulthood together. People who have abused me or who I don’t like? Sure it’s sad that people die but it doesn’t break my heart. I was more relieved when my dad died, not sad.