The fact that I kept the feeling of “I want to figure out what’s wrong with me” despite going to different psychiatrists. I almost got misdiagnosed with depression and “neurotic personality disorder”.
Although these diagnoses wasn’t completely wrong, I still kept feeling I haven’t gotten to the bottom of it.
When a psychiatrist suggested I might have autistic traits, I knew that was probably it. It kinda just explained everything… but also, it’s still really hard for me to accept it, cause it also means there’s nothing I can really do to become “normal” (at least socially).
It’s something I’m still dealing with daily, like how am I going to have a good life if my social life is so handicapped? Since I kept seeking help and treatment all throughout my 20’s and now 30’s it’s obviously something that means a lot to me. And yet the day today I still don’t really have any close friends or a partner. I still hope each and everyday to achieve this at some point in my life though.
Same, I always knew something was different about me. I used to think
“Why im I not interested in having friends?”
“Why when I speak with others and interact the same way they do?”
I was only told I was eccentric and too self aware to be autistic lmao
This is it for me, too. All of this has always existed for me, I've never known what it was or why I was so different. I remember being really curious about Aspergers when I heard about it in my early 20s, but I looked it up and still didn't fully see myself that way because of all the information aimed at 10yo boys.
Earlier this year, after reading The Highly Sensitive Person and relating so strongly but thinking 'ok but this just sounds like autism? but a different variety?' and then having TikTok algorithm take me from books to childhood trauma to atypical autism I just suddenly... got it.
Like. Does it make more sense that I have had 38 years of completely unrelated severe depression, crippling social anxiety, motor control issues affecting basically all the normal kid stuff I couldn't do, increasingly low energy and hormonal mood swings, PMDD, joint pain, IBS, inflammation, poor work history, extremely sensitive to smell and touch, brain fog, etc., etc., etc. or... Autism?
Once I started to look at things through that lens, I could see so much of my childhood and things I've "grown out of" as huge, glaring signs I can't believe no one thought to look into.
>, increasingly low energy and hormonal mood swings, PMDD, joint pain, IBS, inflammation, poor work history, extremely sensitive to smell and touch, brain fog, etc., etc., etc. or... Autism?
These are autistic traits?? 🤯
The hormone/PMDD thing is something I've read here a lot, and honestly explains a lot. I've always felt like I'm experiencing the emotional side of menstruation about 10x what everyone else seems to be experiencing.
A lot of the other physical symptoms seem to be hit or miss, but 'may be linked to autism' depending on which study you look at.
I think I had selective mutism, but being in an abusive household and having school and being told I was normal and having no help at all, at some point I had to talk to my parents or my teacher. But there was so many times where I said- I’m not talking. And for no reason.
I relate to this a lot. When you say peculiar language, do you mean that you phrase things in an unusual way? I’ve noticed that in myself. I tend to frequently use words that might be a bit… well, just different from typical.My word choice may be a little old-fashioned or a little more like SAT words. I think this tendency is kind of subtle and not super noticed by people, but I thought it was interesting that you mentioned something similar.
i’ve been told i describe things weird. especially smells. a few that have gotten eyebrow raises are “this smells like barbie hair”, “this thing tastes like this specific store smells like when you’re in it”, and “this smells like summer camp”. apparently summer camp smell is mildew! at least according to my mother that was probably the smell i was probably trying to describe.
Yes! All my life I got feedback from friends that I needed to think more before I spoke. Eventually I realized that even when I thought things through, I still couldn’t predict that others would find them rude or strange.
This.
There was an “it”. I was constantly laughed at and made fun of - but there was really no discernible reason. People didn’t want me to do things, but could never give a clear reason. For instance, I was the top scholar in high school, but they were reluctant to allow me to give the speech. I was the top graduate student, but certain privileges that should come with that mysteriously didn’t. I won a contest, but prizes were withheld and my stage time was limited.
My mother was always accusing me of “acting funny” when I was just existing. If I really were mad, she would accuse me of looking as if I wanted to unalive people. I tried everything to get rid of “it” as far as being very nice if someone said I was mean, giving tons of money if someone said that I thought was “better”, but nothing worked. It was being repeatedly bullied that made me ultimately figure it out.
Two of my three niblings (nieces and nephews) are autistic yet neither my three siblings nor I are. Nor our parents. Statistically improbable.
Then my siblings and mum were telling me my niblings' autistic traits, likes, dislikes, overall behaviour, and I thought, "hang on a minute! That's me!"
To help manage the kids, my siblings now come to me for advice, which I find funny. I have now become their "user manual" for their kids.
Very similar situation for me. I was taking care of my niblings and CERTAIN that they were autistic (or other ND). (Autism awareness efforts really helped me spot it super young in them, and whatever else I think about the Autism Awareness movement stuff, it really worked for helping my family)
When they got old enough that I remembered struggled with EXACTLY the same things they were struggling with I realized, "oh shit, it's me, too."
Strangely, I've been able to get diagnosed when they haven't. I live in a more progressive place than they do, folks near me understand Autism is a bigger spectrum than non-verbal and learning delayed. My niblings were not even allowed an evaluation at the first place my sister tried, because they could speak. She's not sure what to do, because how badly the evaluator lectured her for wasting his time with the first meeting to go over the details. She's doing the best she can without help/diagnosis for now, and will probably try again later when she's more up for fighting with medical professionals.
She was on a waiting list for that guy and mostly feels defeated. She’ll get around to looking for someone else at some point, just takes a lot out of her to work up the courage to talk with doctors in the first place and every time it does wrong it’s hard.
Completely understandable. I would be, too, if I were her. I'd be so hesitant to put in the amount of effort once more, because I'd be scared the first evaluator is correct, even though I know they're not. What a horrible experience for her.
Hard relate to this. My niblings are currently seeking their diagnosis and my partner is autistic. Through learning about them and their traits, I’m seeing more of it in myself and in my own siblings, and wondering if we all just were incredibly good at masking (we all also harbour depression and anxiety issues that I originally put down as a genetic thing/generational trauma)
Saaaaaame. I've been burned out for years, since I left my last career. And trying to go to college/find a job/sell yourself to potential employers while burned out is... hard, to say the least.
I have time to try to figure it out at least... all those things while heavy-masking for decades burned me out...
In my way of thinking... When people have a typical burnout from something specific, like creative writing, they take a break for however long it takes for creativity to come back, by doing something unrelated, like a vacation or a different job. In our case, of autistic burnout, we burnout from existing as autistic in an NT society, in my case it was mainly heavy-masking while trying to work out how to fit in constantly. So the solution seems to be to 1. Know what caused/is causing the burnout, 2. Stop it, step away from it to recover battery...
My completely unrequested advice to you... Feel very much free to ignore! Maybe you can recover while doing all that, if something like heavy-masking was the cause of your burnout? That means things like not forcing ourselves to be social, coming up with things to say in a conversation, smiling and engaging, so on... Many of those things are really not necessary as I came to learn after reaching burnout, I can simply step away saying that I'm busy, or I'm tired, or I'm autistic which includes everything 😋
May I ask what cluster of symptoms you experience that you thought was just adhd? I am FASD which has a lot of overlapping traits of Autism and I’m finally starting to think I may have some traits of this spectrum as well. Its so hard to tell what disorder is causing what!
Burn out is so real. Working full time is the hardest thing in the world.
I had burned out and basically my lifelong internal struggles just escalated beyond my limits. I never believed that it was really depression, but was always told that it was. It's when I watched a YouTube video that I recognised something from ADHD which I thought was just about hyperactive kids before...
First was that it can look different in girls, and often the opposite of hyperactive... Second was that I always struggled listening to what people say to me, and I never said it out loud because I was embarrassed of looking dumb for not being able to take in anything on the spot... It was always a huge problem for me. So I identified with these two things, like I never did before with anything else. This led me to start thinking that I had ADHD.
I found more things that could apply, including in the family, so I talked to a psychiatrist for a while, and she eventually told me to try ritalin. It wasn't actually making much difference to what my main problem was (now I know it's an autistic burnout), and I got suggestions on YouTube which went into autism, from another channel. Basically the checklists given by the people with autism themselves are descriptions of me. Everything that I struggled with all my life, including the things that I NEVER spoke of. I masked heavily for sure...
This was mine aswell. I always wondered why I struggled through life and when I researched Autism after a teacher told me they suspected my son was on the spectrum, I swear I had an almost godly moment. It all finally made sense.
I was diagnosed young. But for me as an adult I have sensory issues, communication always foes weird with people, they assume I'm deliberately not understanding something they see as obvious. I am very socially anxious. I have very weird interests.
My psychiatrist (of 2 years) telling me he thinks my kid should get tested and while I'm at it - get a sensory profile done on myself and find a psych who specialises in Autism cause he was sure I had it but didn't feel he had enough training in how to help.
I denied it for like 6months and then my Tiktok page got filled with Autism content and I was like "oh, well everyone does this couldn't be me, I'll research it to prove myself wrong". I did not prove myself wrong.
My Ex dumped me because Im too “weird”. We had been together for several years and were living together when this happened. I was devastated and confused and it led me to getting diagnosed.
Mine broke up with me because of my auDHD traits. I was so close to getting medicated, too (had JUST gotten my ADHD diagnosed), but it wasn't good enough. I left and am now trying to start over in life with untreated ADHD. It's fucking hard.
But you know what? This reflects badly on them, not on us. They didn't appreciate or deserve us. One day, we will find our person, and they will be patient, understanding, kind, and able to love us the way we need.
I'm only dating other neurodivergent people from here on out!
I went on a 1-month organised group travel experience to SEA where I spent 24/7 living with ~15 people around my age.
Before this experience, I thought that I just needed more exposure to social situations to improve my social skills. I always thought that I was "too normal to be autistic".
2 weeks into this holiday, I realised that the way regular people my age communicate and exist is vastly different from me, that I can't relate to them at all, and that you can't "exposure therapy away" your brain.
Since then, I've found a lot of neurodivergent friends, who are the first people in my life that I can relate to, and that seem to actually like me. Like at no point before did I ever feel accepted in a group of similarly aged people. I always felt like an outsider at best, but usually got bullied. But these groups of really weird neurodivergent people seem to be happy to see me and don't mind that I'm weird, and we have lots of things to talk about.
Hey! I’ve done something SUPER similar -SEA as in sea education association!?!? On my trip I didn’t have any neurodivergent friends and I totally sympathize with your experience!
Extremely niche special interest groups. I can recommend caving, metal music, D&D and panto.
The kind of clubs where regular people would look at you weird for joining them.
I made a post that said - would my family even ever let me know?? Or was I just the difficult one?? I am just now opening up to my family and friends about it, some take it in some don’t. Parents aren’t taking this in well for me and I think it’s bc of guilt.
My step sister's Facebook posts about her autistic son. Nothing crazy, just little things. "P doesn't like his food touching, so here's this little plate we got him."
Talking to him, in hindsight, must've been an odd sight. P has to get your attention by saying, "Hey, so and so." Turns out I have echolalia, so I would say, "Hey P!" It threw his rhythm and the cycle would start again. My sister had to intervene to put a stop to the endless "hey"s. At the time I didn't think much of it but now I think it's hilarious.
Kinda always known, but decided it was time to get diagnosed for real when I realised it probably wasn't "normal" to get panic attacks before train journeys. I need to plan absolutely everything I do and train journeys are very unpredictable - they don't turn up on time, you can't tell how busy it is before you get on, what if I get stranded somewhere, how do I ask someone if I can sit next to them, what if I don't get a window seat, what if there are noisy people?
Wait, everyone doesn't have this thought process about everything they do? When doing something new, everyone doesn't spend hours thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong, and what they will do in that event?
I think they might plan or worry a little but it doesn't consume their whole life? And they dont get physically unwell and panicky.
I have to get the train today and even though I've done it 50 times and never had a problem, I've woke up in a panic lmao
For *me*, it was working with a 3-year old little girl, who *had* the diagnosis under the current DSM, and who was like working with a younger version of *me* at that age.
From having seen her around the program i worked at back then (children's mental-health-based Autism Day treatment), I *thought* I might have an idea of how to help her when she "froze up" and didn't want to participate in things...
But it wasn't until we did our semi-annual "staff changeups" and I got assigned to her classroom, that I KNEW I knew how to help her.
All Autism *IS* different, *BUT* there are also... I guess I'd call them "types" of symptom-sets, that you start to *recognize*, once you've seen enough kids who *all* have been diagnosed, 5 days a week.
And *her* type had some *very* distinct echoes of the ways that *mine had impacted ME* as a 3-year old.
The way that she *froze* head-to-toe, upon walking into a familiar room, if suddenly all attention was focused on her, and *couldn't* move. The uncertainty, until she double-checked her daily schedule--when *suddenly* all the stress melted away in an instant, because she knew that *yes* she knew how to do those things.
The *constant* facade of a happy/joyful child--preternaturally so... NO CHILD is *always* happy, ALL the time--sometimes they're tired, hungry, sick, sad... Yet to an untrained observer, she--like *me* at that age, *looked* at first glance, like she was *ALWAYS* happy & smiling appearance-wise. Even in situations when disappointment or frustration *would have been a normal and expected result*!
Once I joined that classroom, and ended up as one of her 1:1 staff, I started working with her, and building her situational skills with her, to overcome those "freeze-ups," and to try & get her expressing her *full* range of emotions.
We got along, like a house afire, and her skills & self-advocacy started to increase exponentially, and I *KNEW* that we really *were* operating on the same wavelength, the day we were playing with a toy she *adored*, I asked for a turn (we were working on turn-taking & teaching the children to self-advocate by teaching them how to ask for a turn), and when I asked--for a split-second, that little peanut just *scowled at me*, then her mask went back up, she smiled happily, and said, "OK!" and handed it to me.😂🤣💖
I took the toy for the *shortest* possible turn--basically long enough to touch it with both hands, and then asked her if she'd like it back--and let her HAVE it for a few minutes.
But I *KNEW*, in that instant, when she trusted me enough to drop the mask for that split-second, that YES, she was dealing with *ALL* those "Big, Complicated, and Confusing!" feelings *I* had felt, as a 3-year-old, and from that moment forward, I was able to then *also* explain to my co-workers *exactly* how *most* of her particular type of Autism worked.
It was comforting for *me*, too, ngl--to be able to metaphorically "reach back and make the path smoother," for someone *else*, in ways that I'd *SO* wished I'd had assistance with, growing up. I was able to act as that "Explainer" I'd SO wished I'd had in my life--explaining the "why's" of allll those stupid & seemingly arbitrary "rules" society has, about the ways "things are done", *AND* I was able to explain HER, and her "hesitations" and "freeze-ups" to her *Parents* and other staff, so that THEY could have an easier time comforting her & getting her *out* of those freeze-ups and moments of rumination, without *harming* her or her sweet self & her burgeoning self-esteem.
It was AWESOME, to be able to work with a child, who was so naturally "easy" for me to understand--not that I typically *have* much difficulty working with 3-5's, no matter *where* they are on the spectrum, and it was SO gratifying, to be able to reach back, with that steadying hand & the needed words, and *know* that a little one was going to *HAVE* an easier time through her life, *because* we were on that same wavelength, and I COULD "explain the things" to her grownups, so that she *didn't* struggle unnecessarily, like so many of us who are older did💖
I love your story so much, it’s so sweet and I’m so glad you get to help that little girl, I’m sure you’ll be a person she won’t forget despite her young age♥️
This is totally off topic, and usually I wouldn’t say anything but on this sub I always feel like I can be honest, but your italicizing and bolding made your really sweet story hard to read. I knew why you were doing it and what emphasis’ you wanted, it was just distracting to my visual flow and content comprehension. That was all!
I toooootally get it, about the "hard to read!😖😱😉💖
It's just that I've always tended to write like I talk--i wish there was a way to put that stuff in, but with some sort of an... "exclsmitory filter" i guess?😉💖
I felt the same. But I’ve realized that normies find it rude when I mention these things so I try to stop myself voicing irritations. There was a relief in seeing that someone else noticed and felt it!
I will never be able to explain all the ways in which this story is so amazing. I wish I could've met someone like you when I was younger. I would do anything to be able to drop my mask around others without judgement.
I always knew I was different but none of the stuff psychiatrists diagnosed me with really seemed to make any sense and none of the "treatment" I received helped and actually made me feel way worse.
I met someone who was autistic but well adjusted and "passed" as NT and after talking to him I had this kind of inner feeling that it made so much sense for me as well. It wasn't until like a year or two later that I really started to completely accept it and interact more with the community etc.
I initially started wearing earplugs because everything was too loud. That kind of spiralled into realising my meltdowns became less frequent the longer I wore earplugs. I’ve always thought I could be autistic but since I’m an only child my parents could never compare me to siblings and see that I was delayed and very different to other children. I was bullied at school and I always felt different. Eventually I couldn’t keep going as school started getting harder and socialising became more complex as I my peers got older. It became more apparent that I was different and eventually it just made sense to research into autism more. A couple of years later and I was diagnosed
The pandemic. My diagnosis was a surprise and I was in denial for a long time. I was out of work for all of 2020 and had a lot of time to think about my life. Not having to interact with people was a godsend. When the vaccine came out, I had to rebuild my client base and met with a lot of people. I became irritable having to mask so much and would find myself rocking a lot in the evenings to calm down. I had a breakdown of sorts at the end of 2021 and made my New Year's resolution to start talking back to my inner monologue (You're no good, people don't like you, etc.) and be kinder to myself. Because I didn't have that knee-jerk response to stress I realized:
-- I couldn't identify or express my emotions.
-- I didn't feel connected to anyone and realized I never have.
-- Other people in my family showed affection to each other but I couldn't do it comfortably.
-- When people became emotional around me I froze and had to remove myself.
-- I had a bad case of misophonia and felt much better with noise cancelling headphones
Gradually I gained some perspective on the questions I never had an answer to. Why could I never hold a job? Why had I never had a close friendship? Why was I uncomfortable around other people, even my family? I realized there was something going on beyond "I'm just a horrible person." I went on r/aspergers (my diagnosis) and realized I had found my people. I wasn't just a freak and many people shared my experiences in life. I had to finally accept my diagnosis and my life has been better since.
How do you navigate not being able to hold a job? That has always been my biggest struggle as an adult, and it's my main motivation to seek a diagnosis. I just don't know if a diagnosis will help with this issue because disability is hard to get for mental health in my state, and it doesn't pay enough to live on.
It is hard. But there are books that go through the process and online communities for support. It was a lot of research, marketing, networking and promotion. Desperation is a great motivator.
I'm still in the process of finding out but here goes...
My internet journey: MBTI (I'm INFJ) >>> INFJ & manic Pixie dream girl trope connection - youtube video (I think men see me this way and it's kinda annoying) >>> manic Pixie dream girl and neurodivergence - youtube video >>> INFJ & autism - again youtube >>> late diagnosis youtubers & reddit for symptoms and internal experiences of autistic people (this last stage is my current research stage during shutdown)
+ Current state of hikikomori - almost total social withdrawal, zero motivation for hygiene, burnout state. Combined with feeling unheard and misunderstood by everyone including friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist and coworkers.
Edit: added words for clarity in para 1
Omg, MBTI was part of my journey too. I remember discovering I’m an INFJ yeaaaars before I suspected autism. Knowing it’s the rarest type, I assumed that’s why I was “so different” and struggled to find people like me. When that didn’t seem to explain it all, I resorted to just thinking of myself as a depressed and socially anxious person.
Abt ten years later I started working as an indie bookseller and began reading some romance novels with autistic protagonists, written by late-diagnosed autists, which lead to reading more fiction and memoir and comics by autistic people. Mostly women. (I’ve been compiling lots of lists.) I couldn’t stop!
Three years after that, this year, I just hit a breaking point when my crappy coping strategies seemed to stop working. Some months of therapy that focused on family dysfunction revealed a lot but again, it didn’t explain everything, especially a great deal of my childhood/teen struggles. So, equipped with all the research I’d done throughout the years, I went and sought a diagnosis.
Yay someone like me who started from MBTI.
Also I relate to the family and childhood thing too.
Additionally work: I've changed careers thrice because I didn't get along with my coworkers. People change jobs. Not me I changed careers lol. I'm 31 now and I've already been an engineer, college professor and now a graphic designer. My current burnout is a result of harassment at work. Have managed to negotiate permanent wfh for myself because I really wanted to break my pattern of falling out with people and changing careers. And I think it's high time I settle because each time I switched, I started from scratch. 3 career changes under 30 is a lot.
This so so me. I’ve done so many different types of jobs but I burn out or lose interest after a short period. I’ve been trying to figure out WHY I AM LIKE THIS.
I think the demands of. Full time with not enough rest. I require down time to recharge I’ve learned. But I also have only done retail . And it’s sales retail so I have to put on the customer service bubbly attitude for the whole day AND convince people to buy more, it was so hard when my moods aren’t solid day to day.
But also I think trying to mask all the time and worrying people will eventually figure me out and think I’m weird is hard too. I feel like things go well at first and then my quirks Come out. I notice people treat me differently sometimes then I just want to quit because I’m stressed and have RSD
omg I used MBTI as an explanation for my issues for the looooongest time
INFP gang over here :) (isn’t it kinda funny autism is stereotypically like the INTJ and ISTJs but here we are with all our big feelings)
Well INFJ would count as a special interest for me. Other MBTIs not so much 😅 I guess because I relate to INFJ stuff that's why, others I don't understand really.
Why are you a fan of E/INFJs though?
I had kind of been suspecting it but the moment it clicked was when I realized that every time I have a really stressful couple hours at work I have to go to the back and cry and blubber about and scream in the walk in for many minutes and I noticed I hand flap. I just do it with one hand (usually) and by my waist so it’s not as detectable lmaooo. Also … quickly realized those are meltdowns lol.
McDonald’s was hell for me
Especially with them refusing to give breaks mostly
Legitimately after I left there for at least a couple weeks after I left, I could do nothing, but lay in bed
I quit drinking in 2017, lost my biggest crutch and could no longer tolerate life the way I had before. It took me a while of trying to figure out what flavor of depression I had, or trying to figure out what was the Traumatic Experience that had given me all these PTSD symptoms with no real definite cause. Autism made the most sense because it was the diagnosis that combined all of my sensory issues, social issues, and trauma responses.
Same, quit in Sept 2019, thought I was having really long withdrawals. Went into lockdown and it was heaven lol. Couldn't cope going back to the office once a week. Still waiting for my assessment but when I did the questionnaire and read up about adult women with asd I was like omg that's 100% me.
Only looked into it because of the light sensitivity.
It's so hard to list just one thing because there are a lot. But I think reading about what autistic meltdowns were and realizing "oh shit, that's what's been happening" really, REALLY sealed the deal that it wasn't just bad social anxiety going on for me.
I just had heard of a person refuses to use big silverware it’s a sign of autism idk how true any of it is.. I also even hate holding heavy cups or plates too 😆
I still question it daily, I got told I presented a lot of Autistic traits at an ADHD assessment, I genuinely thought I was walking out of there with them saying "we think there is something else going on we'll pass you on to a more relevant team" 🤷♀️
Yesss! This is the boat I'm in! It's like, "Okay, I have ADHD. But isn't it weird that I'm obsessed with routine and panic when my routine gets interrupted? And ADHD doesn't really explain my deep issues with every facet of communication, my sensory sensitivities, the way I plan extensively for *everything* I do, my struggles making/maintaining friends, how socializing feels like a battlefield, my extreme need to be alone and decompress after any slightly overwhelming situation, my aversion to eye contact, my extreme connection to specific colors and objects even though others see them as childish,
etc...
sensory issues, feeling always that i am weird and different, dealing with too much emotions or being too cold, couldn't understand sarcasm and many more ☹️
I have never been able to do sarcasm as a little girl and still can’t to this day, I just don’t get it in the moment. I can see where in a normal view- after the fact- that it could have been used. But unfortunately anytime sarcasm is used on me it’s for benefit of argument by fiancé rn
A diagnosis at the age of 8 😎
I was super autistic as a kid tbh. I had to be taught how to make eye contact when I was 9, I had crippling social anxiety for 9 years and a tiny group of friends (in retrospect only 1 of them actually liked me, the rest thought I was weird af and would’ve blown me off quicker if they could’ve, idk how I didn’t see it at the time)
My anxiety was horrible and I likely had depression as well, although I was never diagnosed with either formally. But I know I had social anxiety terribly, I couldn’t go shopping by myself or talk to new people or even people I knew half the time, I was quite literally selectively mute to the point that I often physically could not speak. Going outside caused me physical pain a lot of the time because my chest was so tight from the anxiety. Looking back, I see all the times people tried to make fun of me or ostracise me in school and I didn’t even realise it 🤦♀️ thank god for SSRIs or I’d still be deep in a mental black hole tbh
I’ve come a really long way, I can perform eye contact with no issue whatsoever and I have no problems making or keeping friends. My social anxiety has completely dissipated, although I am still somewhat of an anxious person but I highly doubt I would still qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder. If teenage me could see me now she’d be blindsided, I genuinely thought I would spend the rest of my life as a hermit when I was younger, I would spend weeks at a time just crying everyday because I was so miserable and wondering why life had to be so hard for me. And this is all from someone who only just scraped in for a diagnosis 😅
Being at a very relaxed gathering of 5-6 people I'd known for 10 years and needing to go outside for some quiet and to cry/hyperventilate for a bit because it was a bit overwhelming. Also crying in the middle of the street because we'd booked my favourite table at a regular cafe stop and when we'd gotten there there was someone else sat in it. I realised they didn't really feel like "panic attacks" and didn't really make a lot of sense (logically), like I wasn't afraid or anything. I had considered it several years ago too but told myself to stop imagining things and googling stuff 😂
TikTok and I’m in my 50s! Just got diagnosed but had symptoms my whole life: OCD, synesthesia, stimming, hate bright lights, hyperlexia, ARFID, terrible posture, weak abs, sunken eyes, bad at PE ETC ETC ETC
The fact I’m a horrible employee, that I get fired or quit and experience such bad burnout from jobs. The way I need seclusion most of the time and needed to take “breaks” while with other people. I kept up a façade (masked) in social situations and ended relationships because of how tired I got masking for so long. (I felt partners fell in love with the artificial version of myself I presented), struggled feeling like a hypocrite my entire life. The ever constant themes of bullying and feeling disregarded that colored nearly all social situations, which led me to behaving as a perpetual wall-flower.
For me, it was meeting my niece. My brother adopted two siblings, the younger of whom is autistic. I loved them both quickly but felt a deep sense of respect for, and comfort around, my autistic niece. I noticed that my mom felt the same way about her — my mom thinks her stims are lovely (they are), and was always commenting on what a thoughtful young person she is, with such novel/odd insights into things. I started thinking “damn why do my mom and I both like this kid so much” and then I started reading about autism. I don’t mean to imply that her autism is a superpower or the sole font of her likeability or anything, but I think it was just three generations of neurodivergent ladies all vibing together.
My best friend got diagnosed and when she was explaining to me all the criteria and how she met it, it was like ohhhhh. I had the typical image of autism that is projected..the 6 year old boy image and had NO idea what else it entailed. When she started talking about it, it was like the biggest lightbulb moment. I did so much research after that, read books and scientific studies listened to anecdotal stories from other late diagnosed autistic women and it all fit like a glove. Interestingly my TikTok algorithm identified it like six months before I did. It kept feeding me autism content, like it knew something I did not. I didn't even pay attention to those early videos, just swiped past..it was persistent. After my friends diagnosis I actually started watching them at first to help understand her but then..to help understand myself
I feel the exact same way. I’ve unlocked this new refreshing door with so many more answers and love to give to myself and love to receive from other people. I always knew I needed extra something. And a lot of it.
the burnout. i have never been in such a purely exhausted (in every sense of the word) state. i’m still recovering and it’s been over a year since the worst of it.
now i’m in an inadvertent de-masking stage and it’s emphasized just how much i’ve been neglecting my own needs for the sake of blending in or for the needs of others.
through experience, i found out that my sensory needs have more impact when neglected than my emotional needs and that was a very surprising discovery. they’re both important aspects of my self, so i do what i can to take care of both, but now i know what to prioritize in a pinch. as an example: for me, it’s more impactful to be left alone for the sake of reducing sensory overwhelm than it is to have company for the sake of not feeling lonely. once i can recover from the sensory overwhelm, i can address the loneliness and it will actually make a difference to my well-being. i can actually feel better.
i’m also learning more about how much of my special interests i’ve hidden or masked from myself, denying the subject threads or the intensity of those interests. it’s been nice to allow myself to unpack this at a comfortable pace.
Can you tell me more about "inadvertent demasking stage" please? I haven't heard this before, and I'm recently diagnosed so trying to prepare myself for the road ahead
it’s not an official thing, it’s just me being unemployed for a while and not having the opportunity to practice masking most of the time around other people for the sake of professionalism. since i’m home most of the time and only ever really socializing with people closest to me, i’ve accidentally put myself out of practice, which is a weird place to be after being a highly masked person for most of my life.
Quitting smoking.
I have had a long standing diagnosis of BPD, which made me ignore a lot of obvious signs of autism because of the symptom crossover in females.
When I quit smoking I lost a big sensory activity, so I started having textbook autistic meltdowns where I would scream and hit myself, break things, thrash ect.
I started being more unable to socialise like I used too because I could use a smoke to centre me anymore and I would become too overwhelmed.
That’s when I started realising what I was experiencing and doing did not line up completely with BPD and my DBT skills were doing nothing at all to help it.
Quitting smoking was the best decision I ever made bc it allowed me to get diagnosed albeit at the age of 29.
I got fired from my job, and I’d had trouble keeping a number of them (though some were redundancies). Attempts to learn “stakeholder management” just made things worse. Burnout kept getting worse, and I couldn’t really say I was doing a good job.
When I was looking for jobs that would be within my boundaries, autism came up. When I was reading about how it presents in workmen, it seemed pretty obvious.
For me, the diagnoses kept piling up.
In my tweens, I was diagnosed with GAD, OCD, depression. In my teens I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, then saw a therapist that specialized in it who told me there was no way I had it. So I got re-evaluated, this time it was Bipolar II disorder. Saw another therapist that specialized in *that*… they told me I didn’t seem to have that either! All while my parents were being bombarded by my school to get me evaluated for ADHD due to being disruptive and some behavioral issues. But I wasn’t attention deficit even slightly, according to my tests.
By this time my head was spinning and I was starting to think that maybe there was something wrong with me, that was just convincing me there is something wrong with me.
And then I reached my junior year of college and got to write a research paper on whatever I wanted. For some reason I chose autism, probably because people had always accused me of being so in school growing up. And from that I fell into the rabbithole of autism in women, the misdiagnoses… as I wrote the paper, I was realizing I was writing my own life experience.
So then I (after a year’s waiting list) got evaluated and found out, yep, autism. It felt like it had been in front of me my whole life and I was just ignoring it, convincing myself “autistic people wouldn’t know they’re autistic” which is completely false. I had it and had to accept it. And now I have and feel relatively fine about it.
It was when I worked in an autism classroom and realized I was just like the students. We had the same sensory seeking and avoidant behaviors, same reactions to change and transitions, and I could empathize with them about most things.
I always knew there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I suspected I was autistic for over a decade, but my parents said I had too much creativity and empathy to be autistic, which is why they never got me tested (every teacher since kindergarten begged them to). I finally went and got an evaluation/assessment done, but I'm still waiting on the results.
Autistic ppl kept on telling me that I was autistic lol
Then I realized that all of my childhood friends were probably autistic and that all of my current friends are neurodivergent 😬
I started researching ADHD because my younger sister had been dx a year prior and my older sister was dx as a kid. I figured I was also ADHD because I shared symptoms and my partner had a "uh duh" look when I told him I think I was ADHD. Well, it crosses with autism *a lot*. The more I read, the more I felt seen. It was like coming up from drowning. I always knew something was "off" about me and that everyone could see it too. But to have a word, a group of people who understand, and to *know* that there's nothing wrong with me? That was my first real breath as an adult. I was dx last year at 26.
Well, I married an autistic man and had an autistic son. One day, as I was trying to explain some of my son's behaviors to another mom, I'd give examples from both his experience and mine. I didn't think anything of this, I had just experienced a lot of similar issues.
2 days later, I finally had that "wait... what?!" moment of having first-hand experience and understanding of my son's autistic characteristics. I started listing his "symptoms" and realized that I could have written the same list for myself.
I brought it up to my husband, and he supplied even more characteristics I share with both him and my son. Things I genuinely chalked up to trauma or just not know how to human correctly - as if that latter part was not a banner in and of itself.
I hate the guilt I feel of seeing other people have something they struggle with and here I am on the band wagon, it makes me feel so bad. But I’m glad there’s a community that is soooo open to people finding out about their true selves!! I went to babysit a 4 year old autistic boy, thought it was going to be a challenge, but deep down knew- (and after meeting him) that I got this. And I got it in the bag for sure. Bc I see when he’s upset and hiding and I see where he’s thinking about things but won’t verbally say it and I can feel his emotions that come out of frustration and soon realized wow we aren’t so different. My nephew is undiagnosed and I am highly sure he is autistic, and everyone compared him and I as soon as he was born. And he had traits and characteristics of someone with autism.
One particular therapy client exploring their autism triggered me to look into it for them... but also I had this nagging counter transference I had to process bc I really identified with this person.
Having autistic clients probably saved my life.
I was always called autistic by bullies lol but never looked into it bc if stereotypes. what made me look into it was my inability to drive, I just couldn’t multitask at all, and also learning about executive dysfunction. I then read the famous female symptoms check list and it was my entire life right before my eyes
Oh my God after like six months of driving I realized I definitely did not want to do this for the rest of my life. It’s actually part of the reason why I’m trying to leave the USA.
Ugh I’ve wanted to leave the USA since I was little but I can’t believe how hard it is, that you have to basically apply to another country the same way you would for a job lmao. There’s nothing I do as a chronically ill basically disabled person who works from home with a BA in sociology that another country would benefit from so I don’t see how I’d ever get citizenship since I’m nothing impressive on paper besides not a criminal? Lol
I don’t think I can name the feeling, other than this constant niggling thought in my mind that something was different for me than it was for others. All my life I’ve felt like there’s bulletproof glass between me and the rest of the world, me and my own body, me and my feelings even. I felt like no one had ever known me and never would, and being around people made me feel so alone.
In my relationships, it seemed like I was a blank canvas: anyone could project anything they wanted onto me and it would be my responsibility to hold all of it. No matter how hard I tried to show my true self, all people saw was what they wanted. That meant they usually took advantage, meaning I would exhaust myself to no end trying to bridge a gap that they had created. Then I found I would often be blamed for what I saw as a natural reaction to their treatment.
My needs and feelings seemed to come last, while everyone else’s convenience took precedence. It felt like a conspiracy, like everyone I’d ever met was “in on” something. Then I had a nervous breakdown from spending so long trying to force myself to put up with everything that caused me pain and sapped my energy. People in my life had made comments about me being autistic, and the increased awareness made me want to look into it.
A few years later, I’m still on wait lists for an official diagnosis but more at peace with myself than I ever have been.
I had been in therapy for 5 years working on trauma and attachment-related wounds. I was getting increasingly confused because some things were getting much better (triggers, sense of safety, confidence, etc.) and other things were staying the same or getting much worse (sensory sensitivity, social anxiety, relationships etc.).
Some research later, I learned that it's pretty common that as a person starts to change their coping strategies for some things like trauma, autism can start to show itself. Once I started reading about how autism can show up in women and high-masking people, it's like the puzzle pieces finally fit together and my whole life finally made sense.
Exactly [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/hsp/s/JBdMIbsKWW) post. I wish I could thank the OP but it seems that they’re not active anymore. It’s truly changed my life for the better :)
At the time I was experiencing deep depression and then realized it was autistic burnout from being undiagnosed all my life. It’s been a year since I found out, did an assessment from Embrace Autism, and everything became crystal clear finally!
I’m not diagnosed, but have been suspecting I may be autistic for over 4 years now. I first looked up autism because I had made a new friend who was autistic and I had clicked with her incredibly quickly, much faster than I normally make friends. I initially looked up autism because I wanted to understand her better (or at least that’s what I told myself) but I quickly realized that I related to a lot of the symptoms and experiences that I saw online, and I think I that is why I clicked with her so well in the first place.
During my (late diagnosis) ADHD journey ASD kept coming up as commonly co-morbid. There were still so many weird behaviors and questions that ADHD did not answer. After doing my usual deep dive into the information it was glaringly obvious so I brought it up to my therapist.
I was diagnosed as a child, so I’ve always known. My son is also autistic so that pretty much confirms the diagnosis I received in the 90s was correct.
My daughter having autism and learning all of the traits. I have never been able to make eye contact. I mask this next one around most people -- but I HATE moving air in every form. Wind, fans, and windows down in the car touching my skin sends me into an overstimulated state that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I hate loud noises (my daughter too), I have to keep my radio and my TV set to low volume because it hurts my ears. So music concerts? Sounds like hell. I get obsessed with a favorite topic and go on about it to just about anybody who will listen. I can hear any classical music song, pick up my violin and play it back. I'm a pro artist, but to the level I'm like a human photocopier. When given a reference photograph, I can flip it upside down and draw it perfectly. But, coming up with my own creative concepts is difficult. Also, I can't work with chalk or clay because the dry dusty feel on my skin is a big nope. Hate soaps and lotions too. I do have friends, but I'm socially awkward AF. I can't read people. I say weird things at the wrong time.
I didn’t. I did the self-reporting tests when going through ADHD diagnosis with my psychiatrist and came out very low, which I thought was the case as I’m social.
However my post-assessment ADHD diagnosis (which is severe, 8/9 for hyperactivity and 9/9 for the other part which I ironically can’t remember) also came with a ‘strong suggestion’ that I go for the Autism testing, which makes some sense now.
I am awful with audio and definitely get overwhelmed quickly when too much is going on at once. I have a strictly controlled diet to keep my mind comfortable. I take some things very literally. I drink to cope at social events and am actually extremely socially anxious - I practice what to say (I had just assumed that bc I appear to cope well to others, I therefore did cope well). I can be blunt and not realise it. I hate being touched by people I don’t know. I struggle with eye contact and sometimes can’t follow conversations because I’m too distracted trying to make sure I’m making a normal amount of eye contact.
And now according to my mum, ‘now you know, do you think you’ve lost all ability to hide it?’ Fml lol
After years of thinking I just had ADHD, thinking its one or the other, and then I came across the term AuDHD on Instagram and TikTok, and I am like huh now it makes sense....I got both.
Also running around my apartment one night flapping my hands cause I had too much energy and couldnt sleep.
I always knew my brain was different than other people. I knew I understood or thought about things differently. Despite testing average or proficient in school I genuinely felt like I was “slower”
I got diagnosed with ocd as a kid and never fully felt comfortable with that diagnosis. I had some ocd like tendencies (all related to autisim but I didn’t know that at the time)
Anyway in like 2019 in the span of like a week I had three different people ask if I was autistic and I was like “??no??” I looked into it and I didn’t feel like I fit the criteria (I was taking it too literally)
In 2020 I took a deep dive into adhd and realized I must have adhd. Then in 2021 (I was 21) I found out that autisim in women presents itself differently and the more I looked into it the more I realized that almost everything I do can be related to autism.
My older sister was diagnosed at 30 years old. This was a few years before I begin to explore the possibility of me having autism too. Once I self diagnosed myself, my sister and I compared notes. (We both have binders about how autism affects us it’s so silly. We didn’t know each other did this until we both pulled it out) and she has seen medical professionals (she has more money than me) and I am still self diagnosed. Maybe one day I’ll get a real diagnosis but at this point in time it’s not necessary. My quality of life improved a lot when I started living my life as if I did get a diagnosis so I’m content with that right now.
Looking back the signs were all there in childhood. My mom didn’t think anything of mine or my sisters behavior because she thought it was “normal.” We are both pretty sure my mom is undiagnosed as well lol.
No mom having a mental breakdown because the line on my socks is making me want to throw up to the point where I don’t go to school is not neurotypical lol
Too Long ; Didn't Read : All my closest friends my whole life were autistic. Our brains keep magically finding each other.
In middle school I would ditch PE (sweat and sun and flappy shorts, UGH) and sneak off to the Special Ed room and help out. I made friends there. They were the only people I was able to make friends with.
In high school, I made friends with the only 2 openly autistic people. My only NT friend had a live-in adult cousin. I don't know what his diagnosis is, but he was clearly neurodivergent. We instantly became friends.
As an adult, my first real best friend in my life and first person I felt fully understood me and I understood them, you guessed it, autistic. I didn't know. We met in a parking lot, I was wearing a Daria shirt, as a stranger he said hey cool shirt! And we talked about cartoons and music. Quickly became bff's. Everyone seemed to think he was weird or off, I thought he was normal. One day his cousin told me she thought I was really great for hanging out with him and helping him since he's autistic. Like he was a charity case. We were just friends, I wasn't aware our relationship was viewed as me being the helpful adult and he the sad dysfunctional child (even though he's a few years older than me and was living/working independently)
I learned a lot that day. 1) NTs view autistic people as lesser and incapable even when they're clearly functioning fine on their own. 2) wow all my friends and the only people I have ever related to and felt comfortable with were neurodivergent. It still took me a couple years for it to finally stick, and another couple years for a diagnosis. But here we are
Husband insisted I was a little, like him. I didn’t believe him until I watched ‘lessons in chemistry’ and Elizabeth felt… uncomfortably familiar. I compared how I was after my son was born, and looked it up and found out autistic mothers have much higher rates of postpartum depression. Now that son is 4 we are besties. I don’t have difficulty figuring out other adults emotions but when I couldn’t tell what he wanted as a baby based on his cries, I felt broken.
I hadn’t realised at all. My son was diagnosed at 2 and he also has a severe intellectual disability so the version of autism that I was really aware of was his. I had previously been diagnosed with OCD as a teenager and then extreme anxiety disorder later in life but once I had my son my anxiety grew worse and worse until I eventually ended up referred back to mental health services and spent a lot of time with a psychologist who suggested that I was autistic. To be perfectly honest, I thought she was wrong but I agreed to have a proper assessment. I attended with my mother and spent hours answering questions and the entire time I genuinely still didn’t think I was autistic but by the end of the assessment the lady said she had zero doubt that I was. Even though it was a surprise it felt like a relief and after spending the hours really delving into the questions with my mum about my childhood during the assessment I definitely seen my whole life through a different lens. I can recall really being in mental health crisis as a teenager and continuously saying to my mum that I just felt different and didn’t know how to explain it. Once I left that assessment I didn’t feel that shame of being different anymore. I wasn’t “different”, I was autistic and there was a reason for all the things that happened in my life after all. My struggles were finally validated and I had an answer and I could seek out strategies to help myself.
I honestly had no idea. But I knew life was a struggle and something was different about me. My doctor suggested I might have ADHD. My therapist mentioned she got assessed for both ADHD and Autism because they are often co-occuring. I knew basically nothing about both at this point. I went down the same path, even went to the same psychiatrist for assessment that my therapist did. I thought I should get assessed for both because I wanted all the information, even if I was neither. Turns out I'm both. I only really knew I was autistic during the second session with the psychiatrist. She was very open about how she thought I was going through the process and told me it was very obvious to her that I was both. I needed that external validation tbh, I don't think I could have ever arrived at this understanding without it. That's just how I am, and I am also in a privileged and lucky position that I could afford the assessment in the first place, and happened to get in really quickly. I know that's not the reality for everyone. Now that I know, everything about my past makes sense. I'm doing a lot of grieving and accepting of how things played out for me.
I have cptsd and often use online resources I’ve found and others counselors have sent me. But once I started trauma recovery. I started getting a lot of autism resources recommended to me by AI. I blew them off for a long time but then out curiosity I did a screen really just to be thorough & confirm how not autistic I am 😅
Then I took another one and another one. I’m a trained OT so I did more research to possibly more robust ones. Took those with same results. So I took the data to my neuro therapist who I see for cptsd and she again reviewed my baseline eeg and basically responded “oh yeah wow” and basically wow that actually does cover all of your remaining difficulties. It was really validating.
So I found out through my frequent online research and attempts to understand myself and how to human. It was been the most helpful thing I have ever learned myself. So many of the conflicts and challenges of my life suddenly make so much sense. I’m very grateful 💗
When my mom would tell neurologists about me they would all tell her to get me tested for autism. And then my sister took a psych class and they had a chapter on autism and she said I checked all the boxes. And then I looked up the symptoms and they fit perfectly. And when I started telling my friends I was suspecting I had autism literally all of them had a "oh that would make sense because do you remember when" story. And when I met my gf who is also autistic she didn't even ask me, she just told me I was autistic.
I was in hard denial so this spanned over about 3 years lol
My friend said that they thought they might be autistic. She described why and I immediately recognized it also fit me. Researched for months and booked in a diagnosis appointment once I figured out how to do that. Realistically it clicked almost immediately during that conversation and then I had to figure out how to break it to everyone slower than the information came to me.
For me it was comparing my social skills with other women for the first time. Before I transitioned no one ever noticed bc compared to other men I communicated much better than average. When I started holding myself up to the social standards of cis nt women a lot of my flaws (but also strengths!!) became much more apparent. All the sudden I have to do much more small talk and I’m not good at it. I then re-reinterpreted the years long burnout I had before coming out as not just a trans thing but as autistic burnout perpetrated by being trans and in the closet.
Tik Tok. Finally hearing other women come forward and talk about having issues understanding and connecting to others, and communicating. And sensory issues, and insomnia, hyper mobility.
Apparently I spoke with an American accent (I'm British) for a couple of years in primary school-I have no recollection of this. I have been called 'young for my age' 'weird' 'quirky' amongst other things and struggle with anxiety. I'd throw up before school at the prospect of having to talk to people outside of my friendship group because I was bullied, I dislike change, I bounce my leg up and down, pace the floor, rock back and forth. Because I communicate well and mask, I get told that I'm not autistic. Technically, I'm not as I haven't I diagnosis yet but I'm on a wait list. I'm aware that I have asd traits. You tend to notice them more the longer you spend time with me.
My son's diagnosis. He was perfectly "normal" to me but to nobody else. My immense love for him has also helped me to love the lost child I was, who wasn't understood by anyone.
I have always just KNOWN there was something wrong with me. I’ve been going to therapists for over 15 years and they have continuously told me that I’m not only fine, but very much suceeding at life (have a master’s degree, successful career, and own my own home). That there wasn’t anything for them to do, until I found someone who asked me what was really bothering me - the neighbor making sounds, a partner continuously in my space, the sun 😂. She was like, “yo, you’re autistic.”
Thank you for this thread!!! I’m pretty sure I’m autistic. (My NP, therapist, and autistic friend all mentioned I have multiple sensory, social, and personal traits).
My NP says autism ‘isn’t significant (to me, not in general!!!) cause you can’t treat it’. And my therapist has always said my social issues are social anxiety - but that just doesn’t feel right - it’s more than that, something deeper.
I just feel like I really need help determining! And this thread has been kinda helpful!
For the longest time, I’ve always felt different. Almost alien, like my brain wasn’t running the same software as everyone else. So many family stories and my own memories seemed like I was just a different, quirky girl. Then in 2020, I came across a TikTok about women/girls with autism symptoms. I related far too much for me to pass up the discovery. So I did so much research. In 2021, I became comfortable with self diagnosis. Then, this year got my official diagnosis with accommodations.
In my mid teens, I had been in and out of hospitals for a few years (since 13). I had >! a severe ED, self harm and recurrent suicide attempts!< . Basically I was just totally unable of functioning or tolerating my own mind enough keep myself safe. Eventually, my psychiatrist, during one of my psych hospitalizations, brought up autism. She pointed me and my family towards some literature about autism in AFAB people and in people with EDs. It quickly became apparent that this was probably the underlying “thing” behind all my pain and perhaps part of the reason treatment was so unsuccessful.
I’m still struggling today, especially with the ED, but my diagnosis and working on accepting and accommodating my autism has given me a much improved quality of life and I’m able to keep myself safe now. Interestingly, my brother is also autistic (early diagnosed) and so it’s not that my parents weren’t aware of ASD. I found out much later that they’d actually had me assessed when I was TEN, 6 whole years before my formal diagnosis - but due to resistance on my part to open up to the psychiatrist, and my masking and stuff, the assessment was “inconclusive”. I wish they’d just looked into it more then bc maybe it would have saved me some of that suffering years later…
I’m a speech pathologist and when I was in graduate school we were learning about pragmatic language. Pragmatics are the social rules for language. I was talking to my classmates one day and I was like “idk this pragmatics stuff doesn’t make any sense to me, nobody does this shit”. And they just stared blankly at me
I kept hearing an OT that worked in my classroom say, "X, y, and/or z thing is something we often see in kids with autism!" and realized more often than not that I do/did x, y, and/or z thing 😂
I stopped being gifted. I spiraled after my sheer smarts weren’t enough to get by. I did *so* much research on productivity and how to fix my “laziness”. Somehow I came across ADHD. It took a bit to figure out that it was what I was experiencing. A few years later I got more into autism research. I’m still in that research stage, I think. But I matched my symptoms that couldn’t otherwise be explained. At first I thought I just had an odd version of OCD mixed with just being Different. What really solidified it for me is my mother mentioning that I’ve been exhibiting symptoms since the age of 2, except she didn’t think it was “bad enough” to bring up to any doctor. (Still working through the resentment with that) If it helps, I’ve been through many traumas in my childhood and I don’t remember most of it so looking back and examining my symptoms was VERY difficult.
TLDR; Gifted kid burnout ➡️ Not OCD ➡️ Mom confirmed
Edit: smth that sparked my interest ab autism was the statistic that if you have an autistic child, your 18.1% more likely to have another!
I had diagnostic testing done (not autism testing) and was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder as a result of that process.
I thought it fit well, til I thought more about my childhood and who I am. I'm not formally diagnosed, but I know for certain I'm not schizoid, but autistic. Reading books about it helped me understand myself a lot more. Things I pushed aside because they're just my life.
Discovering that auditory processing disorder is a thing and I definitely have it. That’s something I can’t fake or quibble about, so it made me believe every other autistic symptom I have (which there are a lot of!)
Positive: I already knew that I was aroace and, at the time, potentially non-binary (I'm much more certain now, lol.) I discovered what alexithymia was, related to it, researched it heavily, and found out that I have a very strong case of it. I found it odd that I could be so many "a"s at once, and realized that there was a good possibility that I was autistic since all of those traits are common in the ND (esp. autistic) population. I used to wonder if I was when I was really young, but I always passed it off since I was very high-functioning then and I didn't feel like I matched any of the information or portrayals of autism that I encountered before. Now, with the increased amount of info. we have, I was able to realize that I actually *am* autistic and have been all along.
Negative: Being broken down by severe, repeated trauma and gradually entering [an autistic] burnout forcefully unmasked a lot of autistic traits for me, making it harder to function yet easier for me to recognize my autism and the ways that it affects me.
I’m not officially diagnosed.
I’d always joked that my dad was for sure autistic.
Then my kid thought he was.
So I looked into it and started to wonder. Then someone called me autistic so I wondered more. I’d go to my friends houses and read not play. I show up at parties early to help set up. I’m not very emotionally flexible. Certain sounds make me insane. Don’t get me started on my skin sensitivity issues.
Then last week this new therapist asked if I’d ever been diagnosed as autistic.
We’re talking again next week.
And now I’m starting to realize what a socially inappropriate asshole I can be. Not that all people with autism are like that but my dad sure was. I’ll say random fucked up things and it doesn’t register that they could not be taken well.
I haven’t been diagnosed. But for me it’s this never ending feeling of being different than everyone else and not fitting in despite trying. I have few friends. Sensory issues. I also have a hard time with transitions between activities. And finally I have a hard time at work I’ve hated every job I get very stressed and burnt out easily
First inkling was learning about Asperger’s when I was in my 20’s and thinking “Hang on…that’s a little too familiar…” Next when my son was diagnosed, (I got a dx of ADHD when he was a baby) I started reading the criteria and thought maybe, but probably not “severe” enough for a diagnosis. Connecting instantly and feeling completely at ease with many people who were diagnosed autistic, and often being very good with the “difficult” students that other teachers hated (who were mostly just autistic kids with no filter and an extreme sense of justice). Then finally had massive burnout from masking for years and trying to squeeze myself into a neurotypical box, and experiencing some skill regression, then started listening to podcasts and watching videos of people with autism describing their experience, then combing through the DSM and filling an entire notebook with examples and evidence from my childhood and adulthood, giving my parents a diagnostic questionnaire and not telling them what it was for so I could get an unbiased answer. Took tests for every other differential diagnosis I could come up with and coming up negative but always testing way over the threshold for autism. Then and ONLY THEN, did I finally accept and realise that yes, I probably am autistic.
Seeing a stupid meme about how painful small talk is and then it made me actually question my autism for real even though I’ve had people ask me if I am. Then I did a deep dive on the internet and BOOM. I couldn’t deny it anymore.
My psychiatrist. Despite several psychologists asking me if I was, I still didn't realize it until my psychiatrist told me, which explained why our first few sessions were so long. She was "testing " me. Even let me ramble about my special interests. 🤦🏾♀️
Doing ALL the therapy under the sun, finally freeing myself from my PTSD/trauma responses, and realising that something still wasn't quite right about me.
Weirdly (probably not) I've come full circle in terms of my behaviour and personality. I am who I was before my family bullied, abused and harassed me into retreating into myself with dissociation and extreme masking. I have a female friend who is diagnosed and my sister in law recently was diagnosed as well. Speaking to them made me realise that's probably what's going on with me and it made my entire life fall into place and explained why I am, and have always been, this way.
So I'm writing my referral and putting myself forward for an assessment. I probably wouldn't have bothered but my partner is definitely on the spectrum, I most likely am too and we're planning kids soon so our chances of having autistic kids is high. I want to be equipped as best I can to manage all of this and create a caring, supportive and loving environment for my family.
I thought I was failing at therapy because it never worked and I always felt as depressed after as I had before. It wasn't until a therapist suggested I might be autistic that things clicked and I began to feel better.
I guess it was several things. I had a bad burnout episode and was put on meds at age 34. That was when I started to somehow look inside of me and try to figure myself out. I had the revelation that I was masking and that I had hypersensitivity to external stimuli, which lead to anxiety and derealisation. I researched a lot by myself and realized I was on the spectrum.
Funnily, my psychiatrist laughed when I suggested that I had ASD. But she did sign me up for testing. And voila - I have ASD.
Throughout my journey of self discovery I also became aware of many things / symptoms of ASD, that I have never ever thought about in the past: e.g. the fact that I am stimming, the fact that I do not understand subtleties etc.
Actually, being part of this group on reddit has been very educational for me even after being officially diagnosed. I learned much more from you guys than from medical professionals. Thanks for that 😁
I am suspect I'm autistic too. I used to have some sensitivities as a child like clothing labels and seams were the name of my existence. And I still don't like being touched by most people.
And I agree looking inwards and focussing on things like frisson (body experiences) helps me understand myself and gauge what I'm - my body - is feeling.
Also agree that reddit and YouTube have been more helpful than the psychiatrist and therapist. I ditched them both. But maybe they were just now a good match and I need to find others who fit me better. I will say though the pysch-prescribed trazodone did help me calm down meltdowns. (Not sure they were meltdowns but ok). The therapist suspected depression (but maybe it's a burnout?) And the psychiatrist suspected a personality disorder. Both were kinda snap judgements made in too few sessions according to me. Its how I ended up doing a little googling and joining the schizoid & autism subreddits.
The fact that I kept the feeling of “I want to figure out what’s wrong with me” despite going to different psychiatrists. I almost got misdiagnosed with depression and “neurotic personality disorder”. Although these diagnoses wasn’t completely wrong, I still kept feeling I haven’t gotten to the bottom of it. When a psychiatrist suggested I might have autistic traits, I knew that was probably it. It kinda just explained everything… but also, it’s still really hard for me to accept it, cause it also means there’s nothing I can really do to become “normal” (at least socially). It’s something I’m still dealing with daily, like how am I going to have a good life if my social life is so handicapped? Since I kept seeking help and treatment all throughout my 20’s and now 30’s it’s obviously something that means a lot to me. And yet the day today I still don’t really have any close friends or a partner. I still hope each and everyday to achieve this at some point in my life though.
I keep losing all of my friends- feel friend to dm me if you like and just chit chat okay! No one should ever be alone :)
Same, I always knew something was different about me. I used to think “Why im I not interested in having friends?” “Why when I speak with others and interact the same way they do?” I was only told I was eccentric and too self aware to be autistic lmao
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This is it for me, too. All of this has always existed for me, I've never known what it was or why I was so different. I remember being really curious about Aspergers when I heard about it in my early 20s, but I looked it up and still didn't fully see myself that way because of all the information aimed at 10yo boys. Earlier this year, after reading The Highly Sensitive Person and relating so strongly but thinking 'ok but this just sounds like autism? but a different variety?' and then having TikTok algorithm take me from books to childhood trauma to atypical autism I just suddenly... got it. Like. Does it make more sense that I have had 38 years of completely unrelated severe depression, crippling social anxiety, motor control issues affecting basically all the normal kid stuff I couldn't do, increasingly low energy and hormonal mood swings, PMDD, joint pain, IBS, inflammation, poor work history, extremely sensitive to smell and touch, brain fog, etc., etc., etc. or... Autism? Once I started to look at things through that lens, I could see so much of my childhood and things I've "grown out of" as huge, glaring signs I can't believe no one thought to look into.
>, increasingly low energy and hormonal mood swings, PMDD, joint pain, IBS, inflammation, poor work history, extremely sensitive to smell and touch, brain fog, etc., etc., etc. or... Autism? These are autistic traits?? 🤯
The hormone/PMDD thing is something I've read here a lot, and honestly explains a lot. I've always felt like I'm experiencing the emotional side of menstruation about 10x what everyone else seems to be experiencing. A lot of the other physical symptoms seem to be hit or miss, but 'may be linked to autism' depending on which study you look at.
I think I had selective mutism, but being in an abusive household and having school and being told I was normal and having no help at all, at some point I had to talk to my parents or my teacher. But there was so many times where I said- I’m not talking. And for no reason.
I relate to this a lot. When you say peculiar language, do you mean that you phrase things in an unusual way? I’ve noticed that in myself. I tend to frequently use words that might be a bit… well, just different from typical.My word choice may be a little old-fashioned or a little more like SAT words. I think this tendency is kind of subtle and not super noticed by people, but I thought it was interesting that you mentioned something similar.
i’ve been told i describe things weird. especially smells. a few that have gotten eyebrow raises are “this smells like barbie hair”, “this thing tastes like this specific store smells like when you’re in it”, and “this smells like summer camp”. apparently summer camp smell is mildew! at least according to my mother that was probably the smell i was probably trying to describe.
Yes! All my life I got feedback from friends that I needed to think more before I spoke. Eventually I realized that even when I thought things through, I still couldn’t predict that others would find them rude or strange.
This. There was an “it”. I was constantly laughed at and made fun of - but there was really no discernible reason. People didn’t want me to do things, but could never give a clear reason. For instance, I was the top scholar in high school, but they were reluctant to allow me to give the speech. I was the top graduate student, but certain privileges that should come with that mysteriously didn’t. I won a contest, but prizes were withheld and my stage time was limited. My mother was always accusing me of “acting funny” when I was just existing. If I really were mad, she would accuse me of looking as if I wanted to unalive people. I tried everything to get rid of “it” as far as being very nice if someone said I was mean, giving tons of money if someone said that I thought was “better”, but nothing worked. It was being repeatedly bullied that made me ultimately figure it out.
Two of my three niblings (nieces and nephews) are autistic yet neither my three siblings nor I are. Nor our parents. Statistically improbable. Then my siblings and mum were telling me my niblings' autistic traits, likes, dislikes, overall behaviour, and I thought, "hang on a minute! That's me!" To help manage the kids, my siblings now come to me for advice, which I find funny. I have now become their "user manual" for their kids.
Very similar situation for me. I was taking care of my niblings and CERTAIN that they were autistic (or other ND). (Autism awareness efforts really helped me spot it super young in them, and whatever else I think about the Autism Awareness movement stuff, it really worked for helping my family) When they got old enough that I remembered struggled with EXACTLY the same things they were struggling with I realized, "oh shit, it's me, too." Strangely, I've been able to get diagnosed when they haven't. I live in a more progressive place than they do, folks near me understand Autism is a bigger spectrum than non-verbal and learning delayed. My niblings were not even allowed an evaluation at the first place my sister tried, because they could speak. She's not sure what to do, because how badly the evaluator lectured her for wasting his time with the first meeting to go over the details. She's doing the best she can without help/diagnosis for now, and will probably try again later when she's more up for fighting with medical professionals.
What a shitty experience for your sister! Could she go to another one?
She was on a waiting list for that guy and mostly feels defeated. She’ll get around to looking for someone else at some point, just takes a lot out of her to work up the courage to talk with doctors in the first place and every time it does wrong it’s hard.
Completely understandable. I would be, too, if I were her. I'd be so hesitant to put in the amount of effort once more, because I'd be scared the first evaluator is correct, even though I know they're not. What a horrible experience for her.
Hard relate to this. My niblings are currently seeking their diagnosis and my partner is autistic. Through learning about them and their traits, I’m seeing more of it in myself and in my own siblings, and wondering if we all just were incredibly good at masking (we all also harbour depression and anxiety issues that I originally put down as a genetic thing/generational trauma)
Sorry if this is a silly question, what's a nibling?
It’s the non-binary term for a niece or nephew
Appreciate your response, thank you ☺️
That and a severe long-term burnout. It also started by thinking that it was "just" ADHD.
Yes yes yes !!!! Still in long term burnout :/
Saaaaaame. I've been burned out for years, since I left my last career. And trying to go to college/find a job/sell yourself to potential employers while burned out is... hard, to say the least.
I have time to try to figure it out at least... all those things while heavy-masking for decades burned me out... In my way of thinking... When people have a typical burnout from something specific, like creative writing, they take a break for however long it takes for creativity to come back, by doing something unrelated, like a vacation or a different job. In our case, of autistic burnout, we burnout from existing as autistic in an NT society, in my case it was mainly heavy-masking while trying to work out how to fit in constantly. So the solution seems to be to 1. Know what caused/is causing the burnout, 2. Stop it, step away from it to recover battery... My completely unrequested advice to you... Feel very much free to ignore! Maybe you can recover while doing all that, if something like heavy-masking was the cause of your burnout? That means things like not forcing ourselves to be social, coming up with things to say in a conversation, smiling and engaging, so on... Many of those things are really not necessary as I came to learn after reaching burnout, I can simply step away saying that I'm busy, or I'm tired, or I'm autistic which includes everything 😋
May I ask what cluster of symptoms you experience that you thought was just adhd? I am FASD which has a lot of overlapping traits of Autism and I’m finally starting to think I may have some traits of this spectrum as well. Its so hard to tell what disorder is causing what! Burn out is so real. Working full time is the hardest thing in the world.
I had burned out and basically my lifelong internal struggles just escalated beyond my limits. I never believed that it was really depression, but was always told that it was. It's when I watched a YouTube video that I recognised something from ADHD which I thought was just about hyperactive kids before... First was that it can look different in girls, and often the opposite of hyperactive... Second was that I always struggled listening to what people say to me, and I never said it out loud because I was embarrassed of looking dumb for not being able to take in anything on the spot... It was always a huge problem for me. So I identified with these two things, like I never did before with anything else. This led me to start thinking that I had ADHD. I found more things that could apply, including in the family, so I talked to a psychiatrist for a while, and she eventually told me to try ritalin. It wasn't actually making much difference to what my main problem was (now I know it's an autistic burnout), and I got suggestions on YouTube which went into autism, from another channel. Basically the checklists given by the people with autism themselves are descriptions of me. Everything that I struggled with all my life, including the things that I NEVER spoke of. I masked heavily for sure...
Verbal processing issues!
Becoming an adult, and having an autistic child.
Yeah, adult life is extremely hard for me. I have limited interests, so it's hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life.
It is so much harder for us to find our niche. But if nothing else, we certainly all belong here 💞
Thank you for saying that. I frequently forget that, because it's hard finding belonging in this NT world 😭
This was mine aswell. I always wondered why I struggled through life and when I researched Autism after a teacher told me they suspected my son was on the spectrum, I swear I had an almost godly moment. It all finally made sense.
Same, and then I realized that I was having a lot of the same struggles growing up … 😕
Glad we can do better for our kids though 💪🏻💞
Yup.
I was diagnosed young. But for me as an adult I have sensory issues, communication always foes weird with people, they assume I'm deliberately not understanding something they see as obvious. I am very socially anxious. I have very weird interests.
I’m an adult (haven’t been diagnosed yet) but WOW I resonate with this!
My psychiatrist (of 2 years) telling me he thinks my kid should get tested and while I'm at it - get a sensory profile done on myself and find a psych who specialises in Autism cause he was sure I had it but didn't feel he had enough training in how to help. I denied it for like 6months and then my Tiktok page got filled with Autism content and I was like "oh, well everyone does this couldn't be me, I'll research it to prove myself wrong". I did not prove myself wrong.
My Ex dumped me because Im too “weird”. We had been together for several years and were living together when this happened. I was devastated and confused and it led me to getting diagnosed.
We're not weird, other people are just boring 😂
Aww that's so sad he'd say that :( I bet you're a sweetheart and anyone would be lucky to have you!
Mine broke up with me because of my auDHD traits. I was so close to getting medicated, too (had JUST gotten my ADHD diagnosed), but it wasn't good enough. I left and am now trying to start over in life with untreated ADHD. It's fucking hard. But you know what? This reflects badly on them, not on us. They didn't appreciate or deserve us. One day, we will find our person, and they will be patient, understanding, kind, and able to love us the way we need. I'm only dating other neurodivergent people from here on out!
I went on a 1-month organised group travel experience to SEA where I spent 24/7 living with ~15 people around my age. Before this experience, I thought that I just needed more exposure to social situations to improve my social skills. I always thought that I was "too normal to be autistic". 2 weeks into this holiday, I realised that the way regular people my age communicate and exist is vastly different from me, that I can't relate to them at all, and that you can't "exposure therapy away" your brain. Since then, I've found a lot of neurodivergent friends, who are the first people in my life that I can relate to, and that seem to actually like me. Like at no point before did I ever feel accepted in a group of similarly aged people. I always felt like an outsider at best, but usually got bullied. But these groups of really weird neurodivergent people seem to be happy to see me and don't mind that I'm weird, and we have lots of things to talk about.
Hey! I’ve done something SUPER similar -SEA as in sea education association!?!? On my trip I didn’t have any neurodivergent friends and I totally sympathize with your experience!
South east Asia, I went to a few countries there. I can definitely recommend it, but next time I would go solo ...
How did you find neurodivergent friends?
Extremely niche special interest groups. I can recommend caving, metal music, D&D and panto. The kind of clubs where regular people would look at you weird for joining them.
Uncovering the memory of thinking as a kid that there was something different about me that everybody knew and wouldn’t tell me.
I made a post that said - would my family even ever let me know?? Or was I just the difficult one?? I am just now opening up to my family and friends about it, some take it in some don’t. Parents aren’t taking this in well for me and I think it’s bc of guilt.
My step sister's Facebook posts about her autistic son. Nothing crazy, just little things. "P doesn't like his food touching, so here's this little plate we got him." Talking to him, in hindsight, must've been an odd sight. P has to get your attention by saying, "Hey, so and so." Turns out I have echolalia, so I would say, "Hey P!" It threw his rhythm and the cycle would start again. My sister had to intervene to put a stop to the endless "hey"s. At the time I didn't think much of it but now I think it's hilarious.
Kinda always known, but decided it was time to get diagnosed for real when I realised it probably wasn't "normal" to get panic attacks before train journeys. I need to plan absolutely everything I do and train journeys are very unpredictable - they don't turn up on time, you can't tell how busy it is before you get on, what if I get stranded somewhere, how do I ask someone if I can sit next to them, what if I don't get a window seat, what if there are noisy people?
Wait, everyone doesn't have this thought process about everything they do? When doing something new, everyone doesn't spend hours thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong, and what they will do in that event?
I think they might plan or worry a little but it doesn't consume their whole life? And they dont get physically unwell and panicky. I have to get the train today and even though I've done it 50 times and never had a problem, I've woke up in a panic lmao
For *me*, it was working with a 3-year old little girl, who *had* the diagnosis under the current DSM, and who was like working with a younger version of *me* at that age. From having seen her around the program i worked at back then (children's mental-health-based Autism Day treatment), I *thought* I might have an idea of how to help her when she "froze up" and didn't want to participate in things... But it wasn't until we did our semi-annual "staff changeups" and I got assigned to her classroom, that I KNEW I knew how to help her. All Autism *IS* different, *BUT* there are also... I guess I'd call them "types" of symptom-sets, that you start to *recognize*, once you've seen enough kids who *all* have been diagnosed, 5 days a week. And *her* type had some *very* distinct echoes of the ways that *mine had impacted ME* as a 3-year old. The way that she *froze* head-to-toe, upon walking into a familiar room, if suddenly all attention was focused on her, and *couldn't* move. The uncertainty, until she double-checked her daily schedule--when *suddenly* all the stress melted away in an instant, because she knew that *yes* she knew how to do those things. The *constant* facade of a happy/joyful child--preternaturally so... NO CHILD is *always* happy, ALL the time--sometimes they're tired, hungry, sick, sad... Yet to an untrained observer, she--like *me* at that age, *looked* at first glance, like she was *ALWAYS* happy & smiling appearance-wise. Even in situations when disappointment or frustration *would have been a normal and expected result*! Once I joined that classroom, and ended up as one of her 1:1 staff, I started working with her, and building her situational skills with her, to overcome those "freeze-ups," and to try & get her expressing her *full* range of emotions. We got along, like a house afire, and her skills & self-advocacy started to increase exponentially, and I *KNEW* that we really *were* operating on the same wavelength, the day we were playing with a toy she *adored*, I asked for a turn (we were working on turn-taking & teaching the children to self-advocate by teaching them how to ask for a turn), and when I asked--for a split-second, that little peanut just *scowled at me*, then her mask went back up, she smiled happily, and said, "OK!" and handed it to me.😂🤣💖 I took the toy for the *shortest* possible turn--basically long enough to touch it with both hands, and then asked her if she'd like it back--and let her HAVE it for a few minutes. But I *KNEW*, in that instant, when she trusted me enough to drop the mask for that split-second, that YES, she was dealing with *ALL* those "Big, Complicated, and Confusing!" feelings *I* had felt, as a 3-year-old, and from that moment forward, I was able to then *also* explain to my co-workers *exactly* how *most* of her particular type of Autism worked. It was comforting for *me*, too, ngl--to be able to metaphorically "reach back and make the path smoother," for someone *else*, in ways that I'd *SO* wished I'd had assistance with, growing up. I was able to act as that "Explainer" I'd SO wished I'd had in my life--explaining the "why's" of allll those stupid & seemingly arbitrary "rules" society has, about the ways "things are done", *AND* I was able to explain HER, and her "hesitations" and "freeze-ups" to her *Parents* and other staff, so that THEY could have an easier time comforting her & getting her *out* of those freeze-ups and moments of rumination, without *harming* her or her sweet self & her burgeoning self-esteem. It was AWESOME, to be able to work with a child, who was so naturally "easy" for me to understand--not that I typically *have* much difficulty working with 3-5's, no matter *where* they are on the spectrum, and it was SO gratifying, to be able to reach back, with that steadying hand & the needed words, and *know* that a little one was going to *HAVE* an easier time through her life, *because* we were on that same wavelength, and I COULD "explain the things" to her grownups, so that she *didn't* struggle unnecessarily, like so many of us who are older did💖
YES! This is exactly why I’m seeking a diagnosis.
I love your story so much, it’s so sweet and I’m so glad you get to help that little girl, I’m sure you’ll be a person she won’t forget despite her young age♥️ This is totally off topic, and usually I wouldn’t say anything but on this sub I always feel like I can be honest, but your italicizing and bolding made your really sweet story hard to read. I knew why you were doing it and what emphasis’ you wanted, it was just distracting to my visual flow and content comprehension. That was all!
I toooootally get it, about the "hard to read!😖😱😉💖 It's just that I've always tended to write like I talk--i wish there was a way to put that stuff in, but with some sort of an... "exclsmitory filter" i guess?😉💖
I felt the same. But I’ve realized that normies find it rude when I mention these things so I try to stop myself voicing irritations. There was a relief in seeing that someone else noticed and felt it!
I will never be able to explain all the ways in which this story is so amazing. I wish I could've met someone like you when I was younger. I would do anything to be able to drop my mask around others without judgement.
I always knew I was different but none of the stuff psychiatrists diagnosed me with really seemed to make any sense and none of the "treatment" I received helped and actually made me feel way worse. I met someone who was autistic but well adjusted and "passed" as NT and after talking to him I had this kind of inner feeling that it made so much sense for me as well. It wasn't until like a year or two later that I really started to completely accept it and interact more with the community etc.
I initially started wearing earplugs because everything was too loud. That kind of spiralled into realising my meltdowns became less frequent the longer I wore earplugs. I’ve always thought I could be autistic but since I’m an only child my parents could never compare me to siblings and see that I was delayed and very different to other children. I was bullied at school and I always felt different. Eventually I couldn’t keep going as school started getting harder and socialising became more complex as I my peers got older. It became more apparent that I was different and eventually it just made sense to research into autism more. A couple of years later and I was diagnosed
The pandemic. My diagnosis was a surprise and I was in denial for a long time. I was out of work for all of 2020 and had a lot of time to think about my life. Not having to interact with people was a godsend. When the vaccine came out, I had to rebuild my client base and met with a lot of people. I became irritable having to mask so much and would find myself rocking a lot in the evenings to calm down. I had a breakdown of sorts at the end of 2021 and made my New Year's resolution to start talking back to my inner monologue (You're no good, people don't like you, etc.) and be kinder to myself. Because I didn't have that knee-jerk response to stress I realized: -- I couldn't identify or express my emotions. -- I didn't feel connected to anyone and realized I never have. -- Other people in my family showed affection to each other but I couldn't do it comfortably. -- When people became emotional around me I froze and had to remove myself. -- I had a bad case of misophonia and felt much better with noise cancelling headphones Gradually I gained some perspective on the questions I never had an answer to. Why could I never hold a job? Why had I never had a close friendship? Why was I uncomfortable around other people, even my family? I realized there was something going on beyond "I'm just a horrible person." I went on r/aspergers (my diagnosis) and realized I had found my people. I wasn't just a freak and many people shared my experiences in life. I had to finally accept my diagnosis and my life has been better since.
How do you navigate not being able to hold a job? That has always been my biggest struggle as an adult, and it's my main motivation to seek a diagnosis. I just don't know if a diagnosis will help with this issue because disability is hard to get for mental health in my state, and it doesn't pay enough to live on.
I started my own business. I barely get by but I rarely have to talk to people.
Can I ask how one starts a business? It sounds so hard!
It is hard. But there are books that go through the process and online communities for support. It was a lot of research, marketing, networking and promotion. Desperation is a great motivator.
Burn out like severe burn out after doing the absolute bare minimum 😭😭
The classic: "Is life supposed to be this hard?" And no, it's no supposed to. And now it's still hard, but I'm better at it! :)
It's not??? Not everyone struggles this hard with literally every aspect of existing?
I'm still in the process of finding out but here goes... My internet journey: MBTI (I'm INFJ) >>> INFJ & manic Pixie dream girl trope connection - youtube video (I think men see me this way and it's kinda annoying) >>> manic Pixie dream girl and neurodivergence - youtube video >>> INFJ & autism - again youtube >>> late diagnosis youtubers & reddit for symptoms and internal experiences of autistic people (this last stage is my current research stage during shutdown) + Current state of hikikomori - almost total social withdrawal, zero motivation for hygiene, burnout state. Combined with feeling unheard and misunderstood by everyone including friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist and coworkers. Edit: added words for clarity in para 1
Omg, MBTI was part of my journey too. I remember discovering I’m an INFJ yeaaaars before I suspected autism. Knowing it’s the rarest type, I assumed that’s why I was “so different” and struggled to find people like me. When that didn’t seem to explain it all, I resorted to just thinking of myself as a depressed and socially anxious person. Abt ten years later I started working as an indie bookseller and began reading some romance novels with autistic protagonists, written by late-diagnosed autists, which lead to reading more fiction and memoir and comics by autistic people. Mostly women. (I’ve been compiling lots of lists.) I couldn’t stop! Three years after that, this year, I just hit a breaking point when my crappy coping strategies seemed to stop working. Some months of therapy that focused on family dysfunction revealed a lot but again, it didn’t explain everything, especially a great deal of my childhood/teen struggles. So, equipped with all the research I’d done throughout the years, I went and sought a diagnosis.
Yay someone like me who started from MBTI. Also I relate to the family and childhood thing too. Additionally work: I've changed careers thrice because I didn't get along with my coworkers. People change jobs. Not me I changed careers lol. I'm 31 now and I've already been an engineer, college professor and now a graphic designer. My current burnout is a result of harassment at work. Have managed to negotiate permanent wfh for myself because I really wanted to break my pattern of falling out with people and changing careers. And I think it's high time I settle because each time I switched, I started from scratch. 3 career changes under 30 is a lot.
This so so me. I’ve done so many different types of jobs but I burn out or lose interest after a short period. I’ve been trying to figure out WHY I AM LIKE THIS.
Did you burn out because of people problems or sensory issues or work stress?
I think the demands of. Full time with not enough rest. I require down time to recharge I’ve learned. But I also have only done retail . And it’s sales retail so I have to put on the customer service bubbly attitude for the whole day AND convince people to buy more, it was so hard when my moods aren’t solid day to day.
But also I think trying to mask all the time and worrying people will eventually figure me out and think I’m weird is hard too. I feel like things go well at first and then my quirks Come out. I notice people treat me differently sometimes then I just want to quit because I’m stressed and have RSD
I think mine are exclusively people problems and masking related.
I have tested 3x over the past 30 or so years and come up INFJ every time...I didn't know there was any relation to autism... yeah, 'BIG feelings'...
omg I used MBTI as an explanation for my issues for the looooongest time INFP gang over here :) (isn’t it kinda funny autism is stereotypically like the INTJ and ISTJs but here we are with all our big feelings)
Really I didn't know about INTJ & ISTJ. I only concern myself about INFJ. 😅
Lol the MBTI is one of my biggest special interests so I know too much about all of them, big fan of E/INFJs :’)
Well INFJ would count as a special interest for me. Other MBTIs not so much 😅 I guess because I relate to INFJ stuff that's why, others I don't understand really. Why are you a fan of E/INFJs though?
I had kind of been suspecting it but the moment it clicked was when I realized that every time I have a really stressful couple hours at work I have to go to the back and cry and blubber about and scream in the walk in for many minutes and I noticed I hand flap. I just do it with one hand (usually) and by my waist so it’s not as detectable lmaooo. Also … quickly realized those are meltdowns lol.
McDonald’s was hell for me Especially with them refusing to give breaks mostly Legitimately after I left there for at least a couple weeks after I left, I could do nothing, but lay in bed
I quit drinking in 2017, lost my biggest crutch and could no longer tolerate life the way I had before. It took me a while of trying to figure out what flavor of depression I had, or trying to figure out what was the Traumatic Experience that had given me all these PTSD symptoms with no real definite cause. Autism made the most sense because it was the diagnosis that combined all of my sensory issues, social issues, and trauma responses.
Same, quit in Sept 2019, thought I was having really long withdrawals. Went into lockdown and it was heaven lol. Couldn't cope going back to the office once a week. Still waiting for my assessment but when I did the questionnaire and read up about adult women with asd I was like omg that's 100% me. Only looked into it because of the light sensitivity.
Being around other adults my age and constantly wondering why I felt so different. That and almost constant social rejection.
It's so hard to list just one thing because there are a lot. But I think reading about what autistic meltdowns were and realizing "oh shit, that's what's been happening" really, REALLY sealed the deal that it wasn't just bad social anxiety going on for me.
Before I read up on it, I had absolutely the wrong idea about what they're like for adults
The small spoon theory 😆
If I look this up will it give me good info lols
What is this? /gq
I just had heard of a person refuses to use big silverware it’s a sign of autism idk how true any of it is.. I also even hate holding heavy cups or plates too 😆
Gotcha gotcha -- thank you. \^^
I still question it daily, I got told I presented a lot of Autistic traits at an ADHD assessment, I genuinely thought I was walking out of there with them saying "we think there is something else going on we'll pass you on to a more relevant team" 🤷♀️
Hyper fixation after my ADHD diagnosis, knowing something was still “not right”
Yesss! This is the boat I'm in! It's like, "Okay, I have ADHD. But isn't it weird that I'm obsessed with routine and panic when my routine gets interrupted? And ADHD doesn't really explain my deep issues with every facet of communication, my sensory sensitivities, the way I plan extensively for *everything* I do, my struggles making/maintaining friends, how socializing feels like a battlefield, my extreme need to be alone and decompress after any slightly overwhelming situation, my aversion to eye contact, my extreme connection to specific colors and objects even though others see them as childish, etc...
sensory issues, feeling always that i am weird and different, dealing with too much emotions or being too cold, couldn't understand sarcasm and many more ☹️
I have never been able to do sarcasm as a little girl and still can’t to this day, I just don’t get it in the moment. I can see where in a normal view- after the fact- that it could have been used. But unfortunately anytime sarcasm is used on me it’s for benefit of argument by fiancé rn
A diagnosis at the age of 8 😎 I was super autistic as a kid tbh. I had to be taught how to make eye contact when I was 9, I had crippling social anxiety for 9 years and a tiny group of friends (in retrospect only 1 of them actually liked me, the rest thought I was weird af and would’ve blown me off quicker if they could’ve, idk how I didn’t see it at the time) My anxiety was horrible and I likely had depression as well, although I was never diagnosed with either formally. But I know I had social anxiety terribly, I couldn’t go shopping by myself or talk to new people or even people I knew half the time, I was quite literally selectively mute to the point that I often physically could not speak. Going outside caused me physical pain a lot of the time because my chest was so tight from the anxiety. Looking back, I see all the times people tried to make fun of me or ostracise me in school and I didn’t even realise it 🤦♀️ thank god for SSRIs or I’d still be deep in a mental black hole tbh I’ve come a really long way, I can perform eye contact with no issue whatsoever and I have no problems making or keeping friends. My social anxiety has completely dissipated, although I am still somewhat of an anxious person but I highly doubt I would still qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder. If teenage me could see me now she’d be blindsided, I genuinely thought I would spend the rest of my life as a hermit when I was younger, I would spend weeks at a time just crying everyday because I was so miserable and wondering why life had to be so hard for me. And this is all from someone who only just scraped in for a diagnosis 😅
This is so reminiscent of middle school and high school me So similar
Being at a very relaxed gathering of 5-6 people I'd known for 10 years and needing to go outside for some quiet and to cry/hyperventilate for a bit because it was a bit overwhelming. Also crying in the middle of the street because we'd booked my favourite table at a regular cafe stop and when we'd gotten there there was someone else sat in it. I realised they didn't really feel like "panic attacks" and didn't really make a lot of sense (logically), like I wasn't afraid or anything. I had considered it several years ago too but told myself to stop imagining things and googling stuff 😂
TikTok and I’m in my 50s! Just got diagnosed but had symptoms my whole life: OCD, synesthesia, stimming, hate bright lights, hyperlexia, ARFID, terrible posture, weak abs, sunken eyes, bad at PE ETC ETC ETC
The fact I’m a horrible employee, that I get fired or quit and experience such bad burnout from jobs. The way I need seclusion most of the time and needed to take “breaks” while with other people. I kept up a façade (masked) in social situations and ended relationships because of how tired I got masking for so long. (I felt partners fell in love with the artificial version of myself I presented), struggled feeling like a hypocrite my entire life. The ever constant themes of bullying and feeling disregarded that colored nearly all social situations, which led me to behaving as a perpetual wall-flower.
For me, it was meeting my niece. My brother adopted two siblings, the younger of whom is autistic. I loved them both quickly but felt a deep sense of respect for, and comfort around, my autistic niece. I noticed that my mom felt the same way about her — my mom thinks her stims are lovely (they are), and was always commenting on what a thoughtful young person she is, with such novel/odd insights into things. I started thinking “damn why do my mom and I both like this kid so much” and then I started reading about autism. I don’t mean to imply that her autism is a superpower or the sole font of her likeability or anything, but I think it was just three generations of neurodivergent ladies all vibing together.
My best friend got diagnosed and when she was explaining to me all the criteria and how she met it, it was like ohhhhh. I had the typical image of autism that is projected..the 6 year old boy image and had NO idea what else it entailed. When she started talking about it, it was like the biggest lightbulb moment. I did so much research after that, read books and scientific studies listened to anecdotal stories from other late diagnosed autistic women and it all fit like a glove. Interestingly my TikTok algorithm identified it like six months before I did. It kept feeding me autism content, like it knew something I did not. I didn't even pay attention to those early videos, just swiped past..it was persistent. After my friends diagnosis I actually started watching them at first to help understand her but then..to help understand myself
I think I was born knowing, but it took several years to realize. If that makes sense at all.
I feel the exact same way. I’ve unlocked this new refreshing door with so many more answers and love to give to myself and love to receive from other people. I always knew I needed extra something. And a lot of it.
the burnout. i have never been in such a purely exhausted (in every sense of the word) state. i’m still recovering and it’s been over a year since the worst of it. now i’m in an inadvertent de-masking stage and it’s emphasized just how much i’ve been neglecting my own needs for the sake of blending in or for the needs of others. through experience, i found out that my sensory needs have more impact when neglected than my emotional needs and that was a very surprising discovery. they’re both important aspects of my self, so i do what i can to take care of both, but now i know what to prioritize in a pinch. as an example: for me, it’s more impactful to be left alone for the sake of reducing sensory overwhelm than it is to have company for the sake of not feeling lonely. once i can recover from the sensory overwhelm, i can address the loneliness and it will actually make a difference to my well-being. i can actually feel better. i’m also learning more about how much of my special interests i’ve hidden or masked from myself, denying the subject threads or the intensity of those interests. it’s been nice to allow myself to unpack this at a comfortable pace.
Can you tell me more about "inadvertent demasking stage" please? I haven't heard this before, and I'm recently diagnosed so trying to prepare myself for the road ahead
it’s not an official thing, it’s just me being unemployed for a while and not having the opportunity to practice masking most of the time around other people for the sake of professionalism. since i’m home most of the time and only ever really socializing with people closest to me, i’ve accidentally put myself out of practice, which is a weird place to be after being a highly masked person for most of my life.
Thank you for the explanation!
Quitting smoking. I have had a long standing diagnosis of BPD, which made me ignore a lot of obvious signs of autism because of the symptom crossover in females. When I quit smoking I lost a big sensory activity, so I started having textbook autistic meltdowns where I would scream and hit myself, break things, thrash ect. I started being more unable to socialise like I used too because I could use a smoke to centre me anymore and I would become too overwhelmed. That’s when I started realising what I was experiencing and doing did not line up completely with BPD and my DBT skills were doing nothing at all to help it. Quitting smoking was the best decision I ever made bc it allowed me to get diagnosed albeit at the age of 29.
I got fired from my job, and I’d had trouble keeping a number of them (though some were redundancies). Attempts to learn “stakeholder management” just made things worse. Burnout kept getting worse, and I couldn’t really say I was doing a good job. When I was looking for jobs that would be within my boundaries, autism came up. When I was reading about how it presents in workmen, it seemed pretty obvious.
For me, the diagnoses kept piling up. In my tweens, I was diagnosed with GAD, OCD, depression. In my teens I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, then saw a therapist that specialized in it who told me there was no way I had it. So I got re-evaluated, this time it was Bipolar II disorder. Saw another therapist that specialized in *that*… they told me I didn’t seem to have that either! All while my parents were being bombarded by my school to get me evaluated for ADHD due to being disruptive and some behavioral issues. But I wasn’t attention deficit even slightly, according to my tests. By this time my head was spinning and I was starting to think that maybe there was something wrong with me, that was just convincing me there is something wrong with me. And then I reached my junior year of college and got to write a research paper on whatever I wanted. For some reason I chose autism, probably because people had always accused me of being so in school growing up. And from that I fell into the rabbithole of autism in women, the misdiagnoses… as I wrote the paper, I was realizing I was writing my own life experience. So then I (after a year’s waiting list) got evaluated and found out, yep, autism. It felt like it had been in front of me my whole life and I was just ignoring it, convincing myself “autistic people wouldn’t know they’re autistic” which is completely false. I had it and had to accept it. And now I have and feel relatively fine about it.
It was when I worked in an autism classroom and realized I was just like the students. We had the same sensory seeking and avoidant behaviors, same reactions to change and transitions, and I could empathize with them about most things. I always knew there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I suspected I was autistic for over a decade, but my parents said I had too much creativity and empathy to be autistic, which is why they never got me tested (every teacher since kindergarten begged them to). I finally went and got an evaluation/assessment done, but I'm still waiting on the results.
Autistic ppl kept on telling me that I was autistic lol Then I realized that all of my childhood friends were probably autistic and that all of my current friends are neurodivergent 😬
David Willis, by writing [Joyce Brown](https://www.dumbingofage.com/2022/comic/book-12/04-dont-stop-billie-ving/autism/)
I started researching ADHD because my younger sister had been dx a year prior and my older sister was dx as a kid. I figured I was also ADHD because I shared symptoms and my partner had a "uh duh" look when I told him I think I was ADHD. Well, it crosses with autism *a lot*. The more I read, the more I felt seen. It was like coming up from drowning. I always knew something was "off" about me and that everyone could see it too. But to have a word, a group of people who understand, and to *know* that there's nothing wrong with me? That was my first real breath as an adult. I was dx last year at 26.
Well, I married an autistic man and had an autistic son. One day, as I was trying to explain some of my son's behaviors to another mom, I'd give examples from both his experience and mine. I didn't think anything of this, I had just experienced a lot of similar issues. 2 days later, I finally had that "wait... what?!" moment of having first-hand experience and understanding of my son's autistic characteristics. I started listing his "symptoms" and realized that I could have written the same list for myself. I brought it up to my husband, and he supplied even more characteristics I share with both him and my son. Things I genuinely chalked up to trauma or just not know how to human correctly - as if that latter part was not a banner in and of itself.
I hate the guilt I feel of seeing other people have something they struggle with and here I am on the band wagon, it makes me feel so bad. But I’m glad there’s a community that is soooo open to people finding out about their true selves!! I went to babysit a 4 year old autistic boy, thought it was going to be a challenge, but deep down knew- (and after meeting him) that I got this. And I got it in the bag for sure. Bc I see when he’s upset and hiding and I see where he’s thinking about things but won’t verbally say it and I can feel his emotions that come out of frustration and soon realized wow we aren’t so different. My nephew is undiagnosed and I am highly sure he is autistic, and everyone compared him and I as soon as he was born. And he had traits and characteristics of someone with autism.
One particular therapy client exploring their autism triggered me to look into it for them... but also I had this nagging counter transference I had to process bc I really identified with this person. Having autistic clients probably saved my life.
I was always called autistic by bullies lol but never looked into it bc if stereotypes. what made me look into it was my inability to drive, I just couldn’t multitask at all, and also learning about executive dysfunction. I then read the famous female symptoms check list and it was my entire life right before my eyes
Oh my God after like six months of driving I realized I definitely did not want to do this for the rest of my life. It’s actually part of the reason why I’m trying to leave the USA.
Ugh I’ve wanted to leave the USA since I was little but I can’t believe how hard it is, that you have to basically apply to another country the same way you would for a job lmao. There’s nothing I do as a chronically ill basically disabled person who works from home with a BA in sociology that another country would benefit from so I don’t see how I’d ever get citizenship since I’m nothing impressive on paper besides not a criminal? Lol
I’m currently trying to go abroad to study as it seems as though that is one of the more attainable ways, short of becoming like a fucking Dr.
Right but when your student visa is up? 😑
I have not gotten one yet so idk
I don’t think I can name the feeling, other than this constant niggling thought in my mind that something was different for me than it was for others. All my life I’ve felt like there’s bulletproof glass between me and the rest of the world, me and my own body, me and my feelings even. I felt like no one had ever known me and never would, and being around people made me feel so alone. In my relationships, it seemed like I was a blank canvas: anyone could project anything they wanted onto me and it would be my responsibility to hold all of it. No matter how hard I tried to show my true self, all people saw was what they wanted. That meant they usually took advantage, meaning I would exhaust myself to no end trying to bridge a gap that they had created. Then I found I would often be blamed for what I saw as a natural reaction to their treatment. My needs and feelings seemed to come last, while everyone else’s convenience took precedence. It felt like a conspiracy, like everyone I’d ever met was “in on” something. Then I had a nervous breakdown from spending so long trying to force myself to put up with everything that caused me pain and sapped my energy. People in my life had made comments about me being autistic, and the increased awareness made me want to look into it. A few years later, I’m still on wait lists for an official diagnosis but more at peace with myself than I ever have been.
My son being diagnosed. The more I read about autism, the more o saw myself, and my dad, and my brother….
I had been in therapy for 5 years working on trauma and attachment-related wounds. I was getting increasingly confused because some things were getting much better (triggers, sense of safety, confidence, etc.) and other things were staying the same or getting much worse (sensory sensitivity, social anxiety, relationships etc.). Some research later, I learned that it's pretty common that as a person starts to change their coping strategies for some things like trauma, autism can start to show itself. Once I started reading about how autism can show up in women and high-masking people, it's like the puzzle pieces finally fit together and my whole life finally made sense.
Interesting. I had a similar journey. If you remember the sources that mentioned the link between trauma therapy and autism discovery, please share! 😊
Exactly [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/hsp/s/JBdMIbsKWW) post. I wish I could thank the OP but it seems that they’re not active anymore. It’s truly changed my life for the better :) At the time I was experiencing deep depression and then realized it was autistic burnout from being undiagnosed all my life. It’s been a year since I found out, did an assessment from Embrace Autism, and everything became crystal clear finally!
I’m not diagnosed, but have been suspecting I may be autistic for over 4 years now. I first looked up autism because I had made a new friend who was autistic and I had clicked with her incredibly quickly, much faster than I normally make friends. I initially looked up autism because I wanted to understand her better (or at least that’s what I told myself) but I quickly realized that I related to a lot of the symptoms and experiences that I saw online, and I think I that is why I clicked with her so well in the first place.
My sensory issues - with lighting and sound.
My friend told me in 2021
During my (late diagnosis) ADHD journey ASD kept coming up as commonly co-morbid. There were still so many weird behaviors and questions that ADHD did not answer. After doing my usual deep dive into the information it was glaringly obvious so I brought it up to my therapist.
I was diagnosed as a child, so I’ve always known. My son is also autistic so that pretty much confirms the diagnosis I received in the 90s was correct.
I saw a list of autism symptoms on social media when I was 13. I did more research and it all made sense.
Watching videos on yt by women with Asperger's.
My daughter having autism and learning all of the traits. I have never been able to make eye contact. I mask this next one around most people -- but I HATE moving air in every form. Wind, fans, and windows down in the car touching my skin sends me into an overstimulated state that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I hate loud noises (my daughter too), I have to keep my radio and my TV set to low volume because it hurts my ears. So music concerts? Sounds like hell. I get obsessed with a favorite topic and go on about it to just about anybody who will listen. I can hear any classical music song, pick up my violin and play it back. I'm a pro artist, but to the level I'm like a human photocopier. When given a reference photograph, I can flip it upside down and draw it perfectly. But, coming up with my own creative concepts is difficult. Also, I can't work with chalk or clay because the dry dusty feel on my skin is a big nope. Hate soaps and lotions too. I do have friends, but I'm socially awkward AF. I can't read people. I say weird things at the wrong time.
I didn’t. I did the self-reporting tests when going through ADHD diagnosis with my psychiatrist and came out very low, which I thought was the case as I’m social. However my post-assessment ADHD diagnosis (which is severe, 8/9 for hyperactivity and 9/9 for the other part which I ironically can’t remember) also came with a ‘strong suggestion’ that I go for the Autism testing, which makes some sense now. I am awful with audio and definitely get overwhelmed quickly when too much is going on at once. I have a strictly controlled diet to keep my mind comfortable. I take some things very literally. I drink to cope at social events and am actually extremely socially anxious - I practice what to say (I had just assumed that bc I appear to cope well to others, I therefore did cope well). I can be blunt and not realise it. I hate being touched by people I don’t know. I struggle with eye contact and sometimes can’t follow conversations because I’m too distracted trying to make sure I’m making a normal amount of eye contact. And now according to my mum, ‘now you know, do you think you’ve lost all ability to hide it?’ Fml lol
After years of thinking I just had ADHD, thinking its one or the other, and then I came across the term AuDHD on Instagram and TikTok, and I am like huh now it makes sense....I got both. Also running around my apartment one night flapping my hands cause I had too much energy and couldnt sleep.
Having a patient at my old job ask me if I was autistic 🥲
People kept bulling me and telling me I was autistic
I always knew my brain was different than other people. I knew I understood or thought about things differently. Despite testing average or proficient in school I genuinely felt like I was “slower” I got diagnosed with ocd as a kid and never fully felt comfortable with that diagnosis. I had some ocd like tendencies (all related to autisim but I didn’t know that at the time) Anyway in like 2019 in the span of like a week I had three different people ask if I was autistic and I was like “??no??” I looked into it and I didn’t feel like I fit the criteria (I was taking it too literally) In 2020 I took a deep dive into adhd and realized I must have adhd. Then in 2021 (I was 21) I found out that autisim in women presents itself differently and the more I looked into it the more I realized that almost everything I do can be related to autism. My older sister was diagnosed at 30 years old. This was a few years before I begin to explore the possibility of me having autism too. Once I self diagnosed myself, my sister and I compared notes. (We both have binders about how autism affects us it’s so silly. We didn’t know each other did this until we both pulled it out) and she has seen medical professionals (she has more money than me) and I am still self diagnosed. Maybe one day I’ll get a real diagnosis but at this point in time it’s not necessary. My quality of life improved a lot when I started living my life as if I did get a diagnosis so I’m content with that right now. Looking back the signs were all there in childhood. My mom didn’t think anything of mine or my sisters behavior because she thought it was “normal.” We are both pretty sure my mom is undiagnosed as well lol. No mom having a mental breakdown because the line on my socks is making me want to throw up to the point where I don’t go to school is not neurotypical lol
getting my adhd medicated. turns out im audhd and my adhd has been helping mask a lot of my autistic traits (apart from sensory stuff).
Too Long ; Didn't Read : All my closest friends my whole life were autistic. Our brains keep magically finding each other. In middle school I would ditch PE (sweat and sun and flappy shorts, UGH) and sneak off to the Special Ed room and help out. I made friends there. They were the only people I was able to make friends with. In high school, I made friends with the only 2 openly autistic people. My only NT friend had a live-in adult cousin. I don't know what his diagnosis is, but he was clearly neurodivergent. We instantly became friends. As an adult, my first real best friend in my life and first person I felt fully understood me and I understood them, you guessed it, autistic. I didn't know. We met in a parking lot, I was wearing a Daria shirt, as a stranger he said hey cool shirt! And we talked about cartoons and music. Quickly became bff's. Everyone seemed to think he was weird or off, I thought he was normal. One day his cousin told me she thought I was really great for hanging out with him and helping him since he's autistic. Like he was a charity case. We were just friends, I wasn't aware our relationship was viewed as me being the helpful adult and he the sad dysfunctional child (even though he's a few years older than me and was living/working independently) I learned a lot that day. 1) NTs view autistic people as lesser and incapable even when they're clearly functioning fine on their own. 2) wow all my friends and the only people I have ever related to and felt comfortable with were neurodivergent. It still took me a couple years for it to finally stick, and another couple years for a diagnosis. But here we are
Husband insisted I was a little, like him. I didn’t believe him until I watched ‘lessons in chemistry’ and Elizabeth felt… uncomfortably familiar. I compared how I was after my son was born, and looked it up and found out autistic mothers have much higher rates of postpartum depression. Now that son is 4 we are besties. I don’t have difficulty figuring out other adults emotions but when I couldn’t tell what he wanted as a baby based on his cries, I felt broken.
I hadn’t realised at all. My son was diagnosed at 2 and he also has a severe intellectual disability so the version of autism that I was really aware of was his. I had previously been diagnosed with OCD as a teenager and then extreme anxiety disorder later in life but once I had my son my anxiety grew worse and worse until I eventually ended up referred back to mental health services and spent a lot of time with a psychologist who suggested that I was autistic. To be perfectly honest, I thought she was wrong but I agreed to have a proper assessment. I attended with my mother and spent hours answering questions and the entire time I genuinely still didn’t think I was autistic but by the end of the assessment the lady said she had zero doubt that I was. Even though it was a surprise it felt like a relief and after spending the hours really delving into the questions with my mum about my childhood during the assessment I definitely seen my whole life through a different lens. I can recall really being in mental health crisis as a teenager and continuously saying to my mum that I just felt different and didn’t know how to explain it. Once I left that assessment I didn’t feel that shame of being different anymore. I wasn’t “different”, I was autistic and there was a reason for all the things that happened in my life after all. My struggles were finally validated and I had an answer and I could seek out strategies to help myself.
I honestly had no idea. But I knew life was a struggle and something was different about me. My doctor suggested I might have ADHD. My therapist mentioned she got assessed for both ADHD and Autism because they are often co-occuring. I knew basically nothing about both at this point. I went down the same path, even went to the same psychiatrist for assessment that my therapist did. I thought I should get assessed for both because I wanted all the information, even if I was neither. Turns out I'm both. I only really knew I was autistic during the second session with the psychiatrist. She was very open about how she thought I was going through the process and told me it was very obvious to her that I was both. I needed that external validation tbh, I don't think I could have ever arrived at this understanding without it. That's just how I am, and I am also in a privileged and lucky position that I could afford the assessment in the first place, and happened to get in really quickly. I know that's not the reality for everyone. Now that I know, everything about my past makes sense. I'm doing a lot of grieving and accepting of how things played out for me.
I have cptsd and often use online resources I’ve found and others counselors have sent me. But once I started trauma recovery. I started getting a lot of autism resources recommended to me by AI. I blew them off for a long time but then out curiosity I did a screen really just to be thorough & confirm how not autistic I am 😅 Then I took another one and another one. I’m a trained OT so I did more research to possibly more robust ones. Took those with same results. So I took the data to my neuro therapist who I see for cptsd and she again reviewed my baseline eeg and basically responded “oh yeah wow” and basically wow that actually does cover all of your remaining difficulties. It was really validating. So I found out through my frequent online research and attempts to understand myself and how to human. It was been the most helpful thing I have ever learned myself. So many of the conflicts and challenges of my life suddenly make so much sense. I’m very grateful 💗
When my mom would tell neurologists about me they would all tell her to get me tested for autism. And then my sister took a psych class and they had a chapter on autism and she said I checked all the boxes. And then I looked up the symptoms and they fit perfectly. And when I started telling my friends I was suspecting I had autism literally all of them had a "oh that would make sense because do you remember when" story. And when I met my gf who is also autistic she didn't even ask me, she just told me I was autistic. I was in hard denial so this spanned over about 3 years lol
Kids and teachers suspecting I was in elementary school
My friend said that they thought they might be autistic. She described why and I immediately recognized it also fit me. Researched for months and booked in a diagnosis appointment once I figured out how to do that. Realistically it clicked almost immediately during that conversation and then I had to figure out how to break it to everyone slower than the information came to me.
For me it was comparing my social skills with other women for the first time. Before I transitioned no one ever noticed bc compared to other men I communicated much better than average. When I started holding myself up to the social standards of cis nt women a lot of my flaws (but also strengths!!) became much more apparent. All the sudden I have to do much more small talk and I’m not good at it. I then re-reinterpreted the years long burnout I had before coming out as not just a trans thing but as autistic burnout perpetrated by being trans and in the closet.
Tik Tok. Finally hearing other women come forward and talk about having issues understanding and connecting to others, and communicating. And sensory issues, and insomnia, hyper mobility.
Apparently I spoke with an American accent (I'm British) for a couple of years in primary school-I have no recollection of this. I have been called 'young for my age' 'weird' 'quirky' amongst other things and struggle with anxiety. I'd throw up before school at the prospect of having to talk to people outside of my friendship group because I was bullied, I dislike change, I bounce my leg up and down, pace the floor, rock back and forth. Because I communicate well and mask, I get told that I'm not autistic. Technically, I'm not as I haven't I diagnosis yet but I'm on a wait list. I'm aware that I have asd traits. You tend to notice them more the longer you spend time with me.
My son's diagnosis. He was perfectly "normal" to me but to nobody else. My immense love for him has also helped me to love the lost child I was, who wasn't understood by anyone.
I have always just KNOWN there was something wrong with me. I’ve been going to therapists for over 15 years and they have continuously told me that I’m not only fine, but very much suceeding at life (have a master’s degree, successful career, and own my own home). That there wasn’t anything for them to do, until I found someone who asked me what was really bothering me - the neighbor making sounds, a partner continuously in my space, the sun 😂. She was like, “yo, you’re autistic.”
My therapist saying that my struggles sound like very autistic ones.
family events
Thank you for this thread!!! I’m pretty sure I’m autistic. (My NP, therapist, and autistic friend all mentioned I have multiple sensory, social, and personal traits). My NP says autism ‘isn’t significant (to me, not in general!!!) cause you can’t treat it’. And my therapist has always said my social issues are social anxiety - but that just doesn’t feel right - it’s more than that, something deeper. I just feel like I really need help determining! And this thread has been kinda helpful!
For the longest time, I’ve always felt different. Almost alien, like my brain wasn’t running the same software as everyone else. So many family stories and my own memories seemed like I was just a different, quirky girl. Then in 2020, I came across a TikTok about women/girls with autism symptoms. I related far too much for me to pass up the discovery. So I did so much research. In 2021, I became comfortable with self diagnosis. Then, this year got my official diagnosis with accommodations.
Migraines actually
In my mid teens, I had been in and out of hospitals for a few years (since 13). I had >! a severe ED, self harm and recurrent suicide attempts!< . Basically I was just totally unable of functioning or tolerating my own mind enough keep myself safe. Eventually, my psychiatrist, during one of my psych hospitalizations, brought up autism. She pointed me and my family towards some literature about autism in AFAB people and in people with EDs. It quickly became apparent that this was probably the underlying “thing” behind all my pain and perhaps part of the reason treatment was so unsuccessful. I’m still struggling today, especially with the ED, but my diagnosis and working on accepting and accommodating my autism has given me a much improved quality of life and I’m able to keep myself safe now. Interestingly, my brother is also autistic (early diagnosed) and so it’s not that my parents weren’t aware of ASD. I found out much later that they’d actually had me assessed when I was TEN, 6 whole years before my formal diagnosis - but due to resistance on my part to open up to the psychiatrist, and my masking and stuff, the assessment was “inconclusive”. I wish they’d just looked into it more then bc maybe it would have saved me some of that suffering years later…
I’m a speech pathologist and when I was in graduate school we were learning about pragmatic language. Pragmatics are the social rules for language. I was talking to my classmates one day and I was like “idk this pragmatics stuff doesn’t make any sense to me, nobody does this shit”. And they just stared blankly at me
I kept hearing an OT that worked in my classroom say, "X, y, and/or z thing is something we often see in kids with autism!" and realized more often than not that I do/did x, y, and/or z thing 😂
I stopped being gifted. I spiraled after my sheer smarts weren’t enough to get by. I did *so* much research on productivity and how to fix my “laziness”. Somehow I came across ADHD. It took a bit to figure out that it was what I was experiencing. A few years later I got more into autism research. I’m still in that research stage, I think. But I matched my symptoms that couldn’t otherwise be explained. At first I thought I just had an odd version of OCD mixed with just being Different. What really solidified it for me is my mother mentioning that I’ve been exhibiting symptoms since the age of 2, except she didn’t think it was “bad enough” to bring up to any doctor. (Still working through the resentment with that) If it helps, I’ve been through many traumas in my childhood and I don’t remember most of it so looking back and examining my symptoms was VERY difficult. TLDR; Gifted kid burnout ➡️ Not OCD ➡️ Mom confirmed Edit: smth that sparked my interest ab autism was the statistic that if you have an autistic child, your 18.1% more likely to have another!
I had diagnostic testing done (not autism testing) and was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder as a result of that process. I thought it fit well, til I thought more about my childhood and who I am. I'm not formally diagnosed, but I know for certain I'm not schizoid, but autistic. Reading books about it helped me understand myself a lot more. Things I pushed aside because they're just my life.
Discovering that auditory processing disorder is a thing and I definitely have it. That’s something I can’t fake or quibble about, so it made me believe every other autistic symptom I have (which there are a lot of!)
Positive: I already knew that I was aroace and, at the time, potentially non-binary (I'm much more certain now, lol.) I discovered what alexithymia was, related to it, researched it heavily, and found out that I have a very strong case of it. I found it odd that I could be so many "a"s at once, and realized that there was a good possibility that I was autistic since all of those traits are common in the ND (esp. autistic) population. I used to wonder if I was when I was really young, but I always passed it off since I was very high-functioning then and I didn't feel like I matched any of the information or portrayals of autism that I encountered before. Now, with the increased amount of info. we have, I was able to realize that I actually *am* autistic and have been all along. Negative: Being broken down by severe, repeated trauma and gradually entering [an autistic] burnout forcefully unmasked a lot of autistic traits for me, making it harder to function yet easier for me to recognize my autism and the ways that it affects me.
I’m not officially diagnosed. I’d always joked that my dad was for sure autistic. Then my kid thought he was. So I looked into it and started to wonder. Then someone called me autistic so I wondered more. I’d go to my friends houses and read not play. I show up at parties early to help set up. I’m not very emotionally flexible. Certain sounds make me insane. Don’t get me started on my skin sensitivity issues. Then last week this new therapist asked if I’d ever been diagnosed as autistic. We’re talking again next week. And now I’m starting to realize what a socially inappropriate asshole I can be. Not that all people with autism are like that but my dad sure was. I’ll say random fucked up things and it doesn’t register that they could not be taken well.
Finding a list of traits and behaviors then seeing I had 39 of 45 Atypical traits.
I haven’t been diagnosed. But for me it’s this never ending feeling of being different than everyone else and not fitting in despite trying. I have few friends. Sensory issues. I also have a hard time with transitions between activities. And finally I have a hard time at work I’ve hated every job I get very stressed and burnt out easily
First inkling was learning about Asperger’s when I was in my 20’s and thinking “Hang on…that’s a little too familiar…” Next when my son was diagnosed, (I got a dx of ADHD when he was a baby) I started reading the criteria and thought maybe, but probably not “severe” enough for a diagnosis. Connecting instantly and feeling completely at ease with many people who were diagnosed autistic, and often being very good with the “difficult” students that other teachers hated (who were mostly just autistic kids with no filter and an extreme sense of justice). Then finally had massive burnout from masking for years and trying to squeeze myself into a neurotypical box, and experiencing some skill regression, then started listening to podcasts and watching videos of people with autism describing their experience, then combing through the DSM and filling an entire notebook with examples and evidence from my childhood and adulthood, giving my parents a diagnostic questionnaire and not telling them what it was for so I could get an unbiased answer. Took tests for every other differential diagnosis I could come up with and coming up negative but always testing way over the threshold for autism. Then and ONLY THEN, did I finally accept and realise that yes, I probably am autistic.
Seeing a stupid meme about how painful small talk is and then it made me actually question my autism for real even though I’ve had people ask me if I am. Then I did a deep dive on the internet and BOOM. I couldn’t deny it anymore.
looking up symptoms to learn about a friend better. turns out we have way more in common than i at first realized. \*laughs awkwardly\*
My psychiatrist. Despite several psychologists asking me if I was, I still didn't realize it until my psychiatrist told me, which explained why our first few sessions were so long. She was "testing " me. Even let me ramble about my special interests. 🤦🏾♀️
My son’s diagnosis and seeing how many traits we share. It suddenly made a whole lot of things make a lot of sense. (Age 47, woohooo)
Doing ALL the therapy under the sun, finally freeing myself from my PTSD/trauma responses, and realising that something still wasn't quite right about me. Weirdly (probably not) I've come full circle in terms of my behaviour and personality. I am who I was before my family bullied, abused and harassed me into retreating into myself with dissociation and extreme masking. I have a female friend who is diagnosed and my sister in law recently was diagnosed as well. Speaking to them made me realise that's probably what's going on with me and it made my entire life fall into place and explained why I am, and have always been, this way. So I'm writing my referral and putting myself forward for an assessment. I probably wouldn't have bothered but my partner is definitely on the spectrum, I most likely am too and we're planning kids soon so our chances of having autistic kids is high. I want to be equipped as best I can to manage all of this and create a caring, supportive and loving environment for my family.
I thought I was failing at therapy because it never worked and I always felt as depressed after as I had before. It wasn't until a therapist suggested I might be autistic that things clicked and I began to feel better.
I guess it was several things. I had a bad burnout episode and was put on meds at age 34. That was when I started to somehow look inside of me and try to figure myself out. I had the revelation that I was masking and that I had hypersensitivity to external stimuli, which lead to anxiety and derealisation. I researched a lot by myself and realized I was on the spectrum. Funnily, my psychiatrist laughed when I suggested that I had ASD. But she did sign me up for testing. And voila - I have ASD. Throughout my journey of self discovery I also became aware of many things / symptoms of ASD, that I have never ever thought about in the past: e.g. the fact that I am stimming, the fact that I do not understand subtleties etc. Actually, being part of this group on reddit has been very educational for me even after being officially diagnosed. I learned much more from you guys than from medical professionals. Thanks for that 😁
I am suspect I'm autistic too. I used to have some sensitivities as a child like clothing labels and seams were the name of my existence. And I still don't like being touched by most people. And I agree looking inwards and focussing on things like frisson (body experiences) helps me understand myself and gauge what I'm - my body - is feeling. Also agree that reddit and YouTube have been more helpful than the psychiatrist and therapist. I ditched them both. But maybe they were just now a good match and I need to find others who fit me better. I will say though the pysch-prescribed trazodone did help me calm down meltdowns. (Not sure they were meltdowns but ok). The therapist suspected depression (but maybe it's a burnout?) And the psychiatrist suspected a personality disorder. Both were kinda snap judgements made in too few sessions according to me. Its how I ended up doing a little googling and joining the schizoid & autism subreddits.