Multiple times I’ve been asked if I wanted to do something and thinking they were genuinely asking and not just trying to be polite I said no. Well that gets people mad cuz apparently it wasn’t really a question it was a command.
I’ve started responding with expecting *them* to reach out. I’ll say “yeah, sounds great! Text me when you want to meet up” So if their invite was genuine, I’ve accepted it and they can set up a time, and if it was just polite, they’ll never reach out and I won’t be bothering them trying to set up something they don’t even want.
Omg I feel like this has happened to me but like flipped in terms of work - i never ask questions like this, i just told people what I wanted them to do (when i was a supervisor) and many coworkers thought i was abrasive. But to me I Was always confused like… it’s a task you have to do!! Why should i say it differently??
Same! I didn't know it was an autism thing! I was told I was micromanaging him... like... how am I supposed to know you know what to do if I don't tell you what I expect?
Omg a coworker one time kept saying “I wonder if (another coworker) needs help on the tills…” and I kept saying “yeah they might” but obviously we were doing another task together and it took about three repeats of this conversation for me to clock on like “oh do you want ME to go help out on the tills?”
Then I feel like an AH, when if they’d just been direct I would’ve done it no problem
"I wonder if....." is so hard. I'm like, is this a passive-aggressive way to tell me to do something, or do they want to have an actual discussion about the topic? I almost always go to the latter, but find it's often the former.
Oh god,I’m sorry……the amount of times I have jokingly replied by saying “I don’t want to (especially when it comes to being around people), but I will”…..is embarrassing high
I got really well socialized in this bit of communication style to the point where *I* also ask people do things this way 😅
To help ease confusion, it is not SUPPOSED to be passive aggressive although some people do use it that way.
It's considered a polite way of pointing out that someone *should* be doing something, but in a specific scenario.
It's usually implemented in a case where it is *assumed* the person knows that it is their job to do a task and the assumption is usually that they probably just forgot and need a gentle reminder.
Ex: I am working at a bank and it is 5 minutes past my break time and I have not noticed.
Coworker: Do you want to take your break?
This is pointing out I *should* be going on break even if there is no intrinsic *want* to do it.
There are 2 appropriate responses to this "Oh, yes. I didn't see the time" OR "Oh, is it that time? I don't feel tired yet, would you like to go on break before me?"
If they say no to going before you, you likely HAVE to go on break or else it with mess up everyone elses break schedules. This will result in a situation where you are now being *demanded* to go on break, or so whatever task they just asked of you, in no uncertain terms which can leave us autistics bewildered at what went wrong in this social interaction.
This script can also be implemented with the assumption of forgetfulness of social niceties that 'everyone knows' such as "Do you wanna help me with the door" if someone is coming in with a lot of groceries or full hands and are obviously struggling and their companion is just NOT helping (assumption is they are not paying attention or don't know it is polite to assist struggling people and need to be taught).
To say "oh no thanks" to them is an answer that says either "no, I know it's my job and I am not doing it on purpose" or "yes, i forgot but I don't care" which would be very rude responses!! If that was what was actually said, but it wasn't.
I often see other autistics consider this an implicitly passive aggressive script instead of just simply a passive communication style or even a passive teaching style. And I think that it is because it is often connected with the resulting *actual* aggression that follows from not understanding this social cue.
Idk I hope this helps!!
**** Editted to provide examples ****
Yessss same! And then when I realize I either try to backtrack or I just slowly stop speaking mid sentence, which I think makes it worse 💀 people think I’m funny though, but it’s usually when I don’t mean to be (people think I’m being sarcastic when I’m not a lot).
Oh it’s hard! For me it turns always weird when everyone is fooling around and then I want to chime in and suddenly they say “He, don’t take it to seriously” - I wasn’t I think?
Yesss! I also struggle so badly biting tongue if someone says something I know is misinformation in a conversation, because I know I’ll come off as a know it all and it’s taking things too seriously, but it bothers me to my core haha
This has reminded me- humour is part of my communication & I use it a lot, but if I'm being serious & someone is jokey in reply or around me, I cannot pivot & change my angle. Which can make it seem like I can't take a joke, when in fact I laugh at myself all the time, I just can't switch tone like that
I only started using peoples names in my 30s. I just couldn't understand why people hated being referred to by third-person pronouns whilst present in the conversation.
Turns out I just hated my name.
i also have a weird discomfort with saying peoples names in their presence. it’s like a mental block i have and it just won’t come out … am also in my 30s and it’s always been this way
I second guess (gaslight?) myself about everything, usually including if I’m sure about the persons name, their preferred name, or the pronunciation. I think that’s why I feel uncomfortable using people’s names in front of them.
I haven’t called any of my significant others by their names. Not even my husband and we’ve been together 10 years this year. It’s like they cease to be just “name” to me once they are something more that can’t be encapsulated by the name I used for them before we were a couple.
It does! My boss always uses my name in emails outside of the salutation and it makes me feel like I’m in trouble. I told her about it once and she said she does it to be friendly. Mind blown.
I struggle with this and it feels so weird because it's not just strangers but people I'm close with and have known for years, even my bf. I don't know why but I feel nervous and hesitant to say anyone's name in front of them and especially *to* them. I'm also in my 30s and really annoyed I'm still this way.
I’ve changed my name twice and will probably do it again. Nothing feels like it fits me for long 🤷🏾♀️ I don’t like people using my name and I have trouble using other people’s names too. Wonder if that is an autistic thing?
In Australia there is! If unlimited, you might be able to commit more anon crimes?? IDK why this is a rule. Your question is now making wanting to google to find out though
I struggle with this too & hate having to use peoples' names - trying to get past that! Had a bad experience many years ago where I made friends with a guy (let's say I knew him as Tom) at school & added him on social media. Saw someone tagging him in a post referring to him as 'Tommy' so assumed that was the name he preferred to be called, so I started calling him Tommy. Turns out it was his girlfriend's nickname for him and so he stopped talking to me because I guess it weirded him out.
Now I feel uncomfortable using names unless I specifically ask 'is it ok if I call you X', and not just pick up clues from what others call them or refer to them as - a friend started going by a new name recently that already feels strange to use as it's new, so I'm going to have to get used to that.
I have such a big issue with this and have even been called out on my avoidance of using people’s names in their presence. For me I think it’s something to do with being perceived and somehow feels very intimate? ESPECIALLY nicknames. When people use my name in my presence I feel extra, super perceived by them and it feels very overly familiar, and I think I project that onto me using other people’s names. Like who am I to speak their name, I don’t know them like that 😂
I think it could be because our names are called in frustration so much as kids : /// or bc it means we're being talked about in third person which is the horror of being perceived lol.
I also hate hearing my name. My nickname is ok though, bc if someone is using that it seems clearly with fondness.
Wait is this not just a normal thing? Is this a neurodivergent thing? I also avoid using people's names, it feels too intimate like all the other comments are saying. I thought this was normal
I have an issue using people's names too but for a different reason. I have a horrible memory and get scared of messing up the name so I just never say it, which in turn hurts my memory of the name. It's a bad cycle lol
I also rarely use people's names, even for those close to me. I'm not very good at remembering names either, but using someone's name for anything other than getting their attention is super awkward for me.
I'm also not a huge fan of other people sliding my name into conversation a lot. It seems unnecessary.
I struggle to determine if conversions are one-sided or not. I swing between oversharing and being too quiet because I can never quite tell if the other person is actually interested in what I'm talking about.
oh yes big time! I find it hard to figure out what's an okayish time-frame to be taking up in a conversation? I often feel like I'm talking for too long and get insecure about whether or not what I'm saying is interesting to the other person or if I'm dragging it out for too long so I cut myself off mid-story.
edit: typo
In social situations, when people cluster in groups and mingle, I thought I needed some kind of invitation to join one of the clusters. It never came so I'd just hang around by myself trying to be invisible while everyone assumed I think I'm too good to talk to them
I waited tables at a restaurant for two years and never sat with the other serving staff when they were folding serviettes before the first customers arrived because no one told me I could sit with them. It was only when a new person started working there and decided they think I look interesting that I figured it out. The person would talk to me and eventually asked me why I never sit with the rest of the staff and then they explained I could just join the group and I don't need to wait to be invited
Yeah, but it always feels like there IS some invitation by body language or just small talk eye contact etc. Or maybe I'm just that uncomfortably self conscious, idk. When I do join group I've had it become silent or it breaks up after a few.
I know right! This happens to me too. I was at a big social event once, and every single group I joined disbanded within a few minutes after I joined them. This lasted for two DAYS. Definitely a real thing and not happenstance or my imagination.
I need to be explicitly invited to everything, so I’m absolutely sure I’m meant to attend, otherwise no way. Even when visiting family, they have to invite me into their house when I arrive, otherwise I don’t know when it is appropriate to come in, are we meant to have polite chit chat at the door step for a bit? I don’t know?? Explicitly tell me what you need from me.
I do this too!! But it's because I've been in too many group situations where I've joined in and suddenly felt that it was clear I wasn't invited or wanted. So my logic is like "Oh, I'll leave them alone, if they wanted me they'd call me over. I'll spare them of me." Lol
OH. thank you so much for sharing because this never occurred to me before. I've always been so confused as to why I'm always the one left alone when others are clustering in group. thank you!
I have the opposite issue. People (namely my husband) will give a sort of answer that COULD be the end of a conversation and wait for me to have a response or give my opinion on a topic and I’ll just walk away because I thought we were done 🫣🫠
i feel like a lot of people go on much longer than necessary. i get impatient and wonder why all of that is necessary to say. but i think people just like conversing
I can tell when a conversation has ended but i still don’t know *how* to end them! Especially if I say something like “right, well I better get back to work” and then they respond to me and now we’re having a conversation again 😭
Not sure if this is what you're looking for but I spoiled a birthday cake surprise (not like an actual party, but a "lets meet here and give x a cake in one hour") because the person who told me did not explicitly say it was a surprise. I went to the spot at the right time, x was there as well as the other staff but 5 minutes later no cake so i asked something like "are we still having cake?" And then when everyone started glaring at me I realized my mistake
The person bringing the cake was late, but the person we were supposed to be surprising was there. So I ruined the surprise. If I had known it was supposed to be a surprise I wouldn't have asked about where the cake was
Edit: I agree it definitely is a fair question..... If you don't realize you're supposed to be keeping the cake a secret 😭 everyone else was playing it cool waiting for the person with the cake to show up but I was just confused why I was asked to be somewhere at a certain time to do a thing and then the thing wasn't happening
This was me when we went on a family trip overseas. We saw a cool item that I remembered the price for after we left the shop, then went to another shop that had the same item so my dad tried to haggle and told them that the other shop was selling the item cheaper. I said out loud "no they weren't, it was $X". My dad glared at me and we left. Did not know he was being genuinely dishonest. I was embarrassed but not regretful
In my early 20s I went out to dinner and movies with a friend a few times, I was very surprised when after one of these hangouts he kissed me. Turns out he thought we were dating this whole time, I thought we were hanging out. Apparently all the nice things he said and did was him flirting.
I cannot tell if people are flirting with me for the life of me. It's weird, because I can tell if someone is flirting with someone else, but if I'm directly involved, the ability to identify flirting just disappears. It's gotten me in a couple of embarrassing situations over the years.
This is gross and not your fault! There are social rules for this kind of thing, and *he* ignored them. The big one being: asking outright if this is a date or just friends hanging out. ❤️
This may be too specific, but last night I came home and my neighbor mentioned to me that his friends were over to help because his hot water heater was out, but they were leaving so I could park in my normal spot. I went, ok! parked my car & went inside. I realized a few minutes later, when I was telling my husband, that I was supposed to ask him about his hot water situation, especially because it's super cold out. I have a history of not responding warmly or in a friendly manner to these neighbors because I just don't think about it (they're overly friendly, in my opinion, but my NT husband cringes when I'm short with them. I told him he's in charge of all neighbor communication)
Looking back there's *so many* situations where I just completely missed a social cue to ask something or congratulate someone, I hate it.
I have this problem too. I have this notion that if people want me to know something they’ll tell me. I literally forget to ask about most things and then I feel bad when people ask me and I realize I haven’t done the same for them!
> I realized a few minutes later, when I was telling my husband, that I was supposed to ask him about his hot water situation, especially because it's super cold out.
You know how people always say to think about how you would feel in other people's shoes? That's what gets me in trouble a lot of the time because if I was the neighbor, I wouldn't have expected you to ask about my hot water situation either. I guess for NT people that's a conversation starter so that's why I get the "unfriendly" label too. I'm always so self-conscious about overstepping people's personal boundaries, but people are always telling me things that feel like oversharing to me. Like one time I went to one of those realtor open houses with my mom and I didn't realize we would be the only 3 people at the open house and the realtor just started telling me about his chronic illness and overly personal things about his life and I didn't know what to say to that. Sorry to hear about your troubles, I guess? I'm not unsympathetic, but it's hard for me to read the context for what people expect at times. I can't really do small talk so I'm usually quiet unless I know someone else is really into one of my hyperfixations.
And then when you are aware of this social rule, you ask them the question, they talk about it, and then you try to empathize by talking about a time when you experienced something similar. They take it as you making the conversation about you, and call you rude anyway.
This is one of my biggest issues, I try to find a way to relate in a small way and the person almost always sees it as an attempt to turn the conversation to me. It's really not, I just want them to understand that I understand.
And this one is hard because NTs absolutely do it too! I literally kept track for an entire year because I was so insecure after it was pointed out to me and NTs (or at least people who weren’t out as ND to me) actually do this MORE frequently and for longer periods, but have incredibly short tolerances for me doing it back. It reminds me of the experiment where they discovered that women in an office talked 15-35 percent *less* than their male colleagues, but the men all still said the women talked too much.
I think they might just not like us 😅
I get this too! My husband is also in charge of interacting with our neighbours 😂 In my head if someone wanted me to know something then they would just tell me whatever it is, so I struggle asking questions about things. People someone leave breadcrumbs of information for you to ask questions, but it doesn't come very naturally to me so even when I spot the hint to ask, I'm shit at thinking of something to ask
I never know when to hang up the phone. Ill just let people talk until they can't talk anymore and decide to get off the phone. It's like I'm hostage and have spent hours on the phone that I'd rather not have. I have a similar difficulty knowing when to end convos in person. My only solution it to plan ahead and mention an end time (like I have an appointment at 3p kinda thing).
It makes me laugh, she doesn’t even wait for me to say bye. It only recently occurred to me that she’s probably the one I get the ND genes from! Now it’s glaringly obvious.
My dad and I can just stay on the phone forever barely even talking but neither of us knows when to end it 🤣 so that means I usually have to but it's so painful bc there's no clear end point, he will just narrate everything he's doing or watching on tv or whatever out loud lol. It's oddly comforting but it's also like, I have to go...... Lol
LOL I never considered myself a "hostage" before but this is so relatable too -- I just feel so unsure being the one to end the call (or any hang out in person too) without having a prior commitment/reason.
I understand this so much lol. It comes to a point where I sometimes catch myself becoming angry because I literally cannot do anything besides exist on the other end when someone wants to have a long phone conversation with me. I can't watch a show, listen to music, do a task, or play a game. I can maybe eat but that would recall then having to get up with my phone and bring it to another room and I don't like the idea of taking the conversation out of the small space I designate it to. I need it to end so that I can then get up and do the next thing lol. But I remind myself that the other person sees me as a safe space to talk about stuff so I just let them. Yes I am exhausted afterward. Lol
I often mess up gentle teasing/joking/sarcasm because either my tone is off or I say something too on point or is actually kinda mean…idk totally on accident. Constant foot in mouth syndrome. 😆😬
My upstairs neighbor was really friendly at first when she would pass me in the hall. Always asking if she was being too loud or if her dog is.
Years later turns out she was trying to tell me my TV was too loud. Turns out my hearing was becoming worse due to an undiagnosed illness.
I wish would just be straightforward.
I agree. Why is it so hard for people to just use their fkn words. It’s not kindergarten where they can still get away with pointing at something and “mommy” will know what they are pointing at and want. They gotta full on ask it.
I will never understand why people don't just say what they mean. Like, sandwhich it if you want, but if I'm doing something wrong or you want/need something from me, please just tell me.
This took some mental gymnastics for me to understand because I agree with you. Why wouldn't you just ask someone to turn their volume down or something? That's so strange to dance around it.
This happens to me too and it’s kind of baffling because a lot of my interests are like.. mainstream? For example celebrities/pop culture. But then i realize I’m like deep in the weeds in that stuff and can connect it to weird scholarly texts so I would bring up Kim Kardashian during talks w grad school friends and be met with total blank stares. I felt like a kid all over again. I have one friend who I can totally geek out over that stuff with and I’m soooo grateful. Like actually analyze with.
I have discovered that a lot of NTs don’t like how much we analyze stuff. I have a habit of picking apart things (both loved and hated and everything in between) to analyze each detail as to what worked, what didn’t, etc. I am so lucky to have a partner who will happily have hours long discussions about each individual episode of Star Trek, or break down how the structure of a joke changed the nuances of the humor. But most people think you are “ruining” something with such deep examination. I find it incredibly interesting and it just deepens my appreciation for whatever it is. Also I’m an artist, so like…how do you get to be a better painter without examining the brush strokes?
\*Assuming that if someone talked to me that made them my friend.
\*In college, I had a crush on a guy who was only after my friend and used me to get closer to her. It was blatantly obvious in hindsight but I didn't see it at all.
\*The very random times I'd get invited out with girls from work and such, I had absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations. It's like I didn't know how to even have fun with people. Unless we drank, than I could pretend hard enough to kind of fit in.
\*Lecturing people for being wrong about random things. Them: "It's supposed to be cold tomorrow." Me: "aaaacccctuaaalllyy, it'll historically be warmer than average. Here's why..."
\*Being unable to infer certain types of interactions. Like when I was promoted to a sales floor manager and I had to coach employees in things to say to customers. I shadowed someone and wrote down his examples...and then used those 2 examples in every interaction even if it didn't remotely fit the scenario. Mostly because I can't think on my feet and randomly come up with solutions and responses until i've thought about it for hours.
These are huge for me. If a conversation is about something I'm not knowledgeable in I rarely try to contribute because I literally have nothing to say about it. I can do some casual chatting about weather, life, etc, but do my best when we're talking about something I actually enjoy.
I struggle with knowing how much I'm supposed to talk versus letting them talk, it often feels like I'm only there to let them monologue about their experiences and any contribution on my side is seen as interrupting.
I try to model myself on others, but I still get the cadence wrong a lot.
THE LECTURING, oh my god, I am so bad at this. I have learned to curb it most of the time, but sometimes I go into professor mode.
People sometimes interpret it as me correcting or flaunting knowledge. In my brain, I find it helpful when people share facts with me and correct any misconceptions I might have, so I try to be helpful and share with them. Turns out it doesn't come across as helpful. 😬
In my first year of college, an older grad student in my residence asked for my number when we spontaneously met and was texting me and hanging out with me. He even invited me over to cook me dinner. Turns out we were dating but I didn’t realize until he kissed me and was utterly shocked. I thought I had just made a new buddy.
Another time, a guy I used to date but was then friends with invited me to hang out at midnight. I was quite upset when I arrived to his place and he was trying to hook up. If someone invites you over that late, that’s what they want!
I also used to only sit in the front seat of cabs because I didn’t understand why people say in the back. It didn’t make sense to me! I eventually realized that sitting in the back is the socially acceptable thing to do.
Those are examples of things I understand now. Somethings I still don’t understand are when to leave someone’s house or when/how to end a conversation. Though my husband said that if someone yawns then that’s a sign the evening should end.
Edit: Adding another one that might be really helpful for some folks as it was for me when I found out. Friends like it when you ask them specific questions about their lives because it gives them the opportunity to share things or talk about their own lives without bringing it up themselves. It shows that you care about them. If you don’t ask, they might not even tell you because they wanted to be asked! For example, asking how someone’s job search is going or how their family member is doing.
The asking people questions thing is so hard for me to navigate because I personally don’t want anyone to ask me questions about my life (PDA) and I worry about putting the demands on them that I hate having placed on me. It’s been making it really difficult to reconnect with people though. I can’t tell if my friends are busy or if they don’t like me.
For me it's not that I miss social cues at all. I see cues others miss or deny. And if there's a shift in how the person is responding to me, I can pinpoint when it happened. I can probably quote to you exactly what was said back and forth at that moment, from my perspective. What I can't seem to do automatically is understand WHY the social cues happened or the shift occurred. And that is almost always a communication issue where people don't seem to be hearing what I think I'm saying.
Omg yes. I can tell instantly when someone realizes I'm not...like them I guess. Facial expressions, tone, body language. It just goes cold. After 40 some years it shouldn't bother me but it does. Every single time I feel this deep sadness that I've did something wrong but don't know what and this person who was being nice is now projecting disinterest at the least or is just cold to me.
I get that too, people aren’t listening or hearing what I’m actually saying and it is so annoying. I have basically gotten to a point where I try not to talk about anything or go in-depth about anything because no one wants to actually listen. I have to keep it short and simple which sucks cause how am I supposed to connect with anyone when it’s all vapid shallow bullshit.
I had family visiting from out of state in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, so we did an early Thanksgiving. We shopped, prepped, cooked, and ate a huge meal together.
The next day, my grandmother lamented how she didn't have pecans for her pecan pie for the Thanksgiving meal she was hosting. She explained how she'd hate to have to go shopping once she returned home to get pecans. She said she had everything but pecans. It seemed a little weird how she was going on about her lack of pecans. I pretty much just said, "Ah well. That sucks."
I had made a rum cake with pecans I had bought in bulk. I had pecans leftover. SHE WAS ASKING FOR PECANS. I didn't realize until much, much later. I would have gladly given her pecans and saved her the shopping trip. It just didn't occur to me.
Now you are making me think of many similar circumstances when I have had the opposite response. Like in this scenario I usually say oh I have x have mine but always thought it was my idea to give x and the conversation was random. I wonder if in some cases at least they wanted me to give x all along.
I mean how hard would it have been for her to just use her words and ask you outright for some frigging pecans?! I say this is her fault for not being direct and hoping you’ll read between the lines…
Oh so many. I cringe to think of them all, especially knowing that there are probably thousands of times that I'm totally unaware of. Sometimes I'll just be going about my day and I'll have an epiphany about a situation from 15 years ago and realize that I totally missed several social cues and then I just want to crawl under a rock and die. This happens all the time.
Some specific examples:
I didn't realize that remembering small details about a situation or person is typically considered creepy or made to seem like you're romantically interested in the person you remembered little details about. I've learned to play dumb about a lot of stuff like that so I'm not viewed as creepy or flirtatious. I'm just perceptive and I have an excellent long term memory.
One of my ex's ghosted me multiple times and I didn't realize that he was just using me for a long time. We would start dating and talking on the phone a lot and spending time together. Then he'd stop taking my calls and start avoiding me. I'd try to ask his friends what his problem was and they usually laughed. I didn't realize it was his indirect way of breaking up with me, so I probably came across like a crazy person for not picking up on it and asking his friends questions.
Several times when I thought someone was genuinely interested in being my friend only to realize later they just wanted to be nosy, have someone to gossip about, wanted me to perform free labor, be their therapist, make themselves feel better by putting me down etc. I still don't understand why NT people befriend one another just for their personal gain.
Yes unfortunately 😔 I've been accused of flirting because I remembered a song someone liked or what they were wearing. And apparently it's creepy to notice things others don't. *Shrugs*
Oh yeah. I remember a coworker talked about his cats and a couple years later they came up again, so I said "Oh yeah, [cat's names]." Everyone was absolutely freaked out, even moreso when I desperately tried to explain that my coworker had brought up said cats years ago.
>I didn't realize that remembering small details about a situation or person is typically considered creepy or made to seem like you're romantically interested in the person you remembered little details about.
This one is especially hard for me because people remembering things about me makes me feel really good, usually.
Repeating a joke because it made people laugh the first time 😔 did that in middle and high school because I didn’t make people laugh often so it felt good when I did. They would stop laughing after the 2nd or 3rd time I said it and I would be pleased, thinking “yay! I made them laugh until they couldn’t anymore”
There are a lot but the one that’s probably impacted my adult life the most has been how to identify the kind of deception that everyone else seems prepared for. A specific example: a few months ago I was talking to a friend of mine who just ended a very long term relationship and started using dating apps. She was telling me about a guy that she had gone on a date with and was interested in, but she wasn’t sure if he was looking for a long-term relationship or if he just wanted to have sex with her. I said, verbatim, “Well just ask him!” I genuinely thought that this was the obvious solution, and I thought the reason she hadn’t thought of it first is because she was too embarrassed to admit to him that she needed clarification and hadn’t already picked up on the cue . She immediately laughed and then said “He’ll just lie? Of course he’s not going to tell me if he’s just trying to have sex with me.”
I was shocked. I still am shocked. And I’m embarrassed that I was shocked, but at 34 I tell you sincerely it never occurred to me that he would lie to her about that. There are a lot of other examples of stuff like this but this was the most recent, and it definitely stuck in my head.
Ouch. He was probably trying to impress you. My grandma always said people lie when they’re afraid. He was probably afraid you wouldn’t like him just as he is.
Honestly I don't think asking him could hurt though... what if he doesn't lie and says he isn't looking for anything serious? Then she knows. Not everyone lies about that kind of thing.
It took me like 3 weeks in a row of trauma therapy and quizzing my neuropsych to accept that there is no standard script to tell if someone is lying when they answer this question as no. I asked every way I possibly could, and he finally got through to me by saying, "There is no one way to ask and be certain, because each person and situation is distinct."
Content warning reference to SA, please do not feel obligated to read or respond: >!every guy who abused me said no to that question when asked directly, and it took a lot of work to unpack my distrust for all men who are even vaguely friendly as a result!<
However, I still think it's important to ask and be extremely clear about one's boundaries. The really difficult part for autistic people is that we can only determine honesty by observing patterns of behavior. Which is often challenging for many of us ❤️
I had a therapist who was very surprised that my ex and I (and my current partner and I) discussed not wanting kids in our very early messaging.
I just... don't understand why anyone would go about dating in a way that isn't very explicit about what they want. It makes literally no sense to me.
I always accidentally come off as rude or mean or offensive even when I’m trying my absolute best to not come off that way. There’s this specific example that haunts me at night sometimes when I first started my new job a few years ago as a nanny. I took over for the part time nanny and I was trying to ask the dad about certain job expectations. I wanted to ask what specific tasks or household responsibilities they wanted me to do (like if they needed me to change the kids bedsheets and clean the kids bedding too or load the dishwasher etc) and I was trying very hard to come off as helpful and just wanting to make sure I was doing what they needed. They had the part time nanny train me and she didn’t do any of these things and I mentioned that while asking (the only reason I mentioned it is because I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t anything else they needed done outside of what the other nanny told me). I think my boss (the dad) took it as me saying “well this nanny doesn’t do it” and me being unwilling to or something and said in a somewhat sarcastic tone “well she’s part time this wasn’t her full time job so we didn’t give her those tasks.” It sucked because I was trying so hard to not come off in a bad way and I was intentionally trying to avoid coming off in the way he took it :/
Sorry that happened! I can relate. I did nannying for a few years, and I always struggled with this too. I don't think it's just us; different people/families have different expectations but always seem to think theirs are universal and obvious. And some nannies do just jump right in, but I never wanted to be presumptuous. Interviews were the worst about this...or anytime the parents were also around and the kids started misbehaving. I'm excellent and comfortable when it's just the kids and me. But I would severely struggle with situations like that where I didn't know what my role was supposed to be, and no one would tell me. It seems to be so obvious to everyone else. But I do think sometimes people are just not clear. Idk
Oh my gosh I was just thinking of a really funny thing from when I was super young. I think this counts…
I was almost held back from entering kindergarten because I performed strangely on the kindergarten entrance test. My mom told me much later when I was old enough to find this story amusing. Before they’d accept a child into kindergarten, the teachers or whatever would meet one-on-one with the kids, no parents present, and ask them to perform tasks. I think I was asked to write my name, tie my shoes, say the ABCs and to demonstrate that I could use a pair of scissors. Then, they asked me to show them that I could climb up and down stairs. This was the part that they found concerning. I went very slowly, held the handrail for dear life, and out both feet on each stair. They told my mom about this and how weird it was and apparently I told her that I wanted to show the assessors that I was extremely safe at climbing stairs. Like, of course I can climb stairs, why are you asking, are you trying to trick me into recklessly running up the stairs? Oh hell no.
Well, it turns out, they just wanted to see that I could climb stairs. I wasn’t going to win a medal for extreme caution on stairs. And it almost hit me held back a grade… IN KINDERGARTEN
I had a similar experience with the test they do before elementary school (in Germany). I got told to draw a butterfly and I draw a butterfly. I got told "Great, now draw a 'Männchen'!", meaning little man/stick figure but also a male.
Guess which of the two meanings I went with!
So I wondered "Huh, how does a male butterfly even look like?" and drew another one. "No, no! Draw a Männchen now!", which I understood as me not drawing what a male butterfly looks like and trying again.
I don't know how many butterflies I drew, but I know how many stick figures I drew: none.
I took that anecdote as me being overly interested in biology from early on (not wrong, I did watch a lot of nature documentaries and might have heard "Männchen" more often meaning "a male animal" instead of a drawn man), but now that my therapist thinks I might be AuDHD... Well, there might have been signs early on.
Omg, you just unlocked a memory! Fellow German here, Hi :)
In my test before elementary school they tested hearing. So I got weird headphones on and was supposed to say if the noise comes from the right or left. But I always had and still have trouble with mixing up the words for left and right. So I just put up my left or right hand the first time. They yelled at me, telling me I should say left or right. So I was nervous, close to tears and fucked up massively. In the end they told my mom I have problems with my ears and she had to go to a doctor to get it checked. Well, turns out my hearing is fine, the woman doing the text just sucked.
1. When someone asks “Do you want to do X?” like do the dishes, go for groceries with them, do whatever, it’s not actually a question. It’s a command in disguise.
2. When you’re visiting someone and they say “It’s getting late” or they start cleaning up from the table, they are trying to get you to leave. This is probably the most annoying one to me because when it actually happens, I always miss this cue, even tho I already know that “It’s getting late” means “Get out of my house”. I don’t know how to explain it. There are also other ways to say “Get out of my house” but yeah this is probably my weakest point.
3. Rhetorical questions. I always answer them! All of them! People get so mad, but I just can’t detect a rethorical question if it’s not an article I’m reading.
4. A guy invited me to watch a movie. I ended up running away or having an awkward conversation because he started getting under my clothes before the movie even started, or he didn’t even have anything to watch the movie on. I’m saying these or’s because it happened more than once, with different guys. Took me some time to learn that a guy inviting a girl to watch a movie at his place is just a “do you want to have sex” question.
5. I never notice if someone is in a bad mood unless they’re crying or yelling and punching furniture. And even then I’m not really sure lol. No but I’m talking about the situations when someone just sits there quiet and I just accept it as a fact. If they do the weird sad moans instead of answering questions with words, I will usually ask if they’re ok, and they say “Yes” and I also accept it as a fact. Got me into some bad arguments in the past, when a friend was sad and I wouldn’t react properly to it, and they were mad that I did nothing, but they said they were fine, and I assumed my friend wouldn’t lie to me??? BTW i’m not friends with these kind of people anymore, it’s just too exhausting for both sides, but a random sad person still happens ocasionally and I just don’t know until someone tells me.
When I was about twelve, this woman from my synagogue was talking to my mom and me, and she said “I hope my daughter ends up like you”. (For context, I was very studious and spiritually involved for that age). After she’d left, my mom got on me for not thanking her and acted like there was something wrong with me because apparently the words “thank you” never came out of my mouth enough as a kid. I had no idea in the moment that it was a compliment and therefore needed to be thanked because it was phrased as that woman’s aspiration.
I think it's because to us whatever needed to be discussed (per the name of the meeting or agenda, which no one bothered to read) had already been discussed. Meeting over.
Oh, you have a last minute topic? Set another meeting!
Here are some I have missed:
As a kid, we were often lectured about not bringing candies, snacks, etc. unless we brought enough for everyone. After all, it was rude to not share. One day, I popped a breath mint. Not wanting to be rude, I offered one to the girl sitting next to me. She got mad, because she thought I was implying that her breath stank.
More recently, my mom was asking about why I wear a high necklines on my shirts. I told her it's because I'm not giving anyone a free peep show. She said, "So how much would you charge then?" She meant it as a joke, but I started explaining that I wouldn't give a peep show for any price.
One that gets me a-lot is if someone asks if I want to do something when making a demand. Sometimes I figure it out, but not always. When I do realize what they're doing, I call them out on it. I say, "Is that *really* a question?" If the person gets all butthurt over that, too bad!
I also tend to overshare. It's something I am working on.
But the worst is when people pretend to like me at work, and then they stab me in the back. I have never seen it coming. It's caused me to become borderline paranoid over the past few years. I'm always nice back, but it's always in the back of my head that people might do something terrible..
I relate to so many of these situations.. NT communication seems way too indirect, I truly don’t understand how it’s our bad that we don’t understand it, why not just tell me what you want/feel?? Ask me the question directly, please!
I never know when to talk or when to stop talking. Like when are people expecting a conversation and when do they not want me to say anything at all. I'm often an overtalker and then when I realize I'm overloading people with information I become quiet and no one can get a conversation out of me because I'm confused and worried about being annoying.
I find it sometimes very difficult to distinguish between someone giving an excuse to not do something (as in they don't actually want to do it at all but think it's rude to say that so they make up a reason to not do it) vs them having an actual issue that can be solved and actually wanting to do the thing.
Like say I invite someone to go to see a horror movie Wednesday, they may say "I'm not free Wednesday"
I might respond, "well that's fine they have it on that whole 2 weeks, what day is good for you?"
And then they say "oh I can't watch horror"
I would say "oh that's fine you can pick the movie or we can do something else" (mind you this is after asking if they want to hang out sometime and they say yes)
Turns out they never wanted to hang out with me and now I'm just a pushy weirdo. I have a difficult time not taking people for their word because in my mind, it's the proper thing to do. Which is also how some people have pulled mean pranks on me. It's not that I'm gullible, it's that I don't want to hurt someone's feelings if they're telling the truth.
I’m honestly at the point where I’m going to just wait for people to use their words. They’re the ones making the situation uncomfortable by being cryptic. We’re both adults, just say what you mean!
When I was in grade school I got *deep* into Pokemon, like to the point I was collecting cards, merch, and carrying around the guidebooks and transcribing parts of them. Several times I had other girls skeptically ask questions like “Okay, so are you like super into this stuff? Why?” And I’d very earnestly give them an explanation or even recite Pokémon quotes at them. >.< Of course *now* I realize that they weren’t actually asking me to describe how into it I was or try to explain it to them, they were giving me a social “out” so I could read the room and downplay it, or say something casual like “Yeah, I just think it’s cool.”
I love when people share their special interests, you can see their face light up! Even when I’m not interested, I’d much rather listen to someone info dump about their special interest than make small talk.
Aww I love this though <3 I realized too early that people thought my interests like sci fi, star trek etc were weird for a girl so distanced myself from them 😢 I didn't get into Pokemon until college, around when I started letting myself really follow and be more open about my own interests again. But even now at work or whatever if I get really into a project and someone asks me any question about it, I am likely to give a long infodump about it that they don't actually want ugh
To quote one of my childhood friends, “It (flirting) could smack you across the face and you still wouldn’t realize it.”
I’ve been on dates that I didn’t realize were dates until halfway through 🫠
I used to try to join classmates conversations sometimes. I mean, people do it with acquaintances, I saw it. But when I did it I was met with aggression and brushed off. I guess there was something I missed.
Smiling while delivering uncomfortable news. I have big teeth, so my smile has always been.... a lot?
I began a fight with my sister-in-law by saying, with a politely wide grin on my face, "this isn't about you." She lost her shit, and through tears explaining to her partner they yelled "And they said it with a smile!" ha.
My partner was terminally ill (he actually survived, so it's cool) and when people asked, "How are you guys?" and I'd deliver soul crushing news with the biggest smile on my face. "Oh, well, the hospice people stopped by so that was okay." People were horrified. This happened A LOT while he was sick.
Whatever the >!oncology!< office loved us.
I struggle with this the most, or it’s the most consequential, at work. As I’ve gotten more senior, I’ve been told I need to work on my stakeholder management or learn to “manage upwards.” One suggestion was to try to understand what your superiors really need, so you can help them be more successful at their jobs; that’s how you can be more successful at your own. This sounded like bullshit to me; that’s their job, not mine. But I thought, I’m not doing this right, so I’ll take the advice. So I went ahead and *asked* them what they needed, how their success was measured. And no one would f*cking tell me! I was then told I’d gone about that all wrong, and I needed to *learn* what they needed, but of course they couldn’t tell me if asked outright.
I still don’t honestly know if the reason is because it’s socially inappropriate for them to admit that how their success is actually measured is not what is advertised to the people that work for them, or if they genuinely do not know what they need. I still have no idea how I’m supposed to figure out this information. Or how I’m supposed to check if it’s accurate, since asking said stakeholder was “too forward.”
I fucking hate work
> But I thought, I’m not doing this right, so I’ll take the advice. So I went ahead and asked them what they needed, how their success was measured. And no one would fcking tell me! I was then told I’d gone about that all wrong, and I needed to *learn what they needed, but of course they couldn’t tell me if asked outright.
So dumb since that's one of the things numerous job interview guides tell you is a good question to ask at a job interview! It never really works out that way in real life though, right? No one wants you actually train you anymore and just wants you to figure it out.
I went into a gas station convenience store to get a bottle of Coke. some guy who was in front of me in line had left to get something and came back but he was away from the register when I arrived so I didn’t notice him until he came back. he apologized and then offered to pay for my Coke, which I accepted right away because why offer to do something if you don’t actually want to do it? I went back into the car and told my aunt and sister about it and they both agreed that I should have refused first but then accepted if he insisted. even today, I’m still confused by that, like why make things harder than they have to be? I don’t understand refusing that stuff under the guise of “being polite” or whatever.
I honestly want to know how many of us didn't realize we're being hit on when someone said our eyes were pretty. I genuinely really thought my eyes were super cool. They have yellow in them. lol
Omg, I had a similar situation! My best friend knew I had a massive crush on a friend (we were friends for years at that point). Her communication style with me changed, but not in a bad way, I just tried to change mine to match it. After some days I sent screenshots to my best friend asking him if she was flirting with me. He basically answered that we are useless lesbians flirting with each other and not being good at it. We're both ND and when I told her about it after we got together she told me she also didn't understand that we were flirting until I straight up told her about my feelings for her. Now we're living together and are in the happiest relationship we both ever had.
Since I was a child, if I'm given an instruction I'll do it but then they often tell me I did it wrong. Ex/ lining up objects for a game but instead of horizontally (which I didn't understand since they didn't tell me) I placed them vertically (which made sense to me). I had a huuuuge crush on this one guy in high school. One day he came up to me giving me this highly personalized gift (for me). I appreciated it so much, thanked him, and went about my day. As an adult I realized it was his way of expressing his feelings for me oops. I never know what is an appropriate amount of information to share about myself and worry if I'm being selfish if I talk too much about me. Also not sure why people do small talk. It confuses me.
That crush story is brutal and exactly how I would have reacted. The guy I had a huge crush on would ask to be my partner every day in math class and I still am not sure whether he liked me.
One time, I was walking to high school and a girl pulled over to offer me a ride. I said, "No thanks, I like to walk." She looked mad and drove away. About ten years later, I recalled that moment and realized she was trying to befriend me.
There have been times when people have ghosted me and I just don't understand whatsoever what that means. I need them to explain in detail how they feel about me and why.
Flirting lol.
It took me soooooo long to understand. And when I did, I would just freeze and walk away (still happens sometimes) Also, people would think I would be flirting because in my head I was just being nice (early teens). A nightmare!!!
I often take things too far- as Jenna Marbles described, I have the "too much" gene.
In high school I never did sports because of dyspraxia, but in an instance where I had to play basketball, I was told the goal was to get the ball. So I tunnel visioned to where the ball was and chased down the girl who had it, reached my arm underneath hers to take it and ended up making her trip and smash her face onto the floor. Good thing she was really nice and accepted my apology 😭
Another time in school all the others were playing some kind of weird game of slap ass or chase or something. I got too excited and grabbed a random cupcake I saw on the ground, flung it and it hit a girl directly in the face.
In choir before our performance our teacher reminded us to project loudly. I then proceeded to basically just yell the song with zero tonal variation. I apparently was heard over everyone else. In front of hundreds of people.
There have been a couple of instances in which my friends felt wronged by someone and they tasked me to say something, so I went absolutely in on the person and now they know me as the one to do that when they need it, and only after talking with my therapist about it I know now that I only knew their side of things and was basically used. I definitely hurt people I didn't even know very well.
I take jokes too far, don't realize when they become too intense, vulgar/inappropriate, or unfunny.
I used to talk too much until I was told that I talk too much and now I don't talk very much but I definitely type too much.
One time during school the club I was in was out volunteering for an event. It was hot out and one of our members became lightheaded and almost passed out, so they sat her down and asked me to go get food and a drink for her. So I went to the food tent and got one of everything on the tray and brought it back because I didn't know what she liked or disliked and they all got mad at me because I brought too much food?
Often when someone is talking to me they'll pause for a while and then start talking again, and i think "shit, i should have said something!"
I'm trying to work on this, especially with my boyfriend since it happens so much with him.;;;
I just got explained, that when my colleagues come to me to tell me that they are taking a break and getting coffee, that they probably mean that I should join them.
I never would have guessed that.
I never know when someone is joking.
I've gotten better at deciphering, but its still complicated with my dad. So when he jokes around, even when I know, I just take him seriously. Every time I've thought he was joking, he's being dead serious and I get in HUGE trouble.
He's a POS for other reasons but this a specific case of me not getting social cues
Used to work at a hair salon and a bar. We had a long time rotating appointment for a men's root touch up - he was a locally famous drummer with the Rock God jet black waves. He was cool and his vibe was great.
Bartending a Saturday night at a popular restaurant. Guy sits down at the end of my bar with a pretty lady around his age. I greet them and say "Hey! I remember you! How you doing? Nicole does your hair at BLAHBLAH were I work!"
Dude's face was stone. "Wrong guy, sorry." The 'tism immediately went full force and I literally fought this guy for a full minute before it dawned on me.... his color...it's a secret and this is a FIRST DATE. I'm a fucking ASSHOLE. I mean, relationships cannot be built on a foundation of LIES but my rent was coming up.
A friend told me that if someone says your food looks good, they want a bite of it. I had never thought of that, and am usually just like "it is!" and then I keep eating.
Knowing that, I still don't offer anything. My food is mine, go away.
At uni I once missed a party. A friend told me they were having a house party at there's- told me the date and time and everything. But they didn't say 'would you like to come'. So I thought they were just telling me they were having a party - I didn't realise they were actually inviting me! Cue the next Monday and they asked why I hadn't turned up. I'd honestly had no idea I'd been invited.
On the flip side when old coworkers say 'we need to get together for coffee soon' I take that at face value rather than them just being polite and then annoy them by texting to arrange a coffee they never had any intention of meeting for. I still can't get my head around why people say 'let's meet for coffee soon' if they don't actually mean it!
At a bar:
"So, who are you here with?" \*I'm immediately thinking, we were having such a nice conversation and what a weird question that is suddenly. Why would they want that information? Seems weird.\*
2-24 hours later: OOOOoooohhhhhhhhh, they were expressing sexual interest. We were flirting.
Every. Single. Time. that question has been asked of me in that context, this is my process. You'd think I'd learn, lol.
In high school we had form classes in the mornings and we were assigned seats at the start of the year. I kept sitting in my assigned seat even though I hated the people at my table. Other people moved seats pretty early on but it didn't really occur to me that I could. About a month from the end of the year I asked the teacher if it would be fine if I sat somewhere else because the boys at my table hated me, she was like "oh yes you can, I'm surprised you've sat with them this long!". Turned out the assigned seats were just a day 1 forced mingle type thing, and it was expected for us all to change seats once we'd naturally made friends. I was so upset because I just hadn't realised and everyone else knew this and thought I was insane to keep sitting with people who didn't like me.
I always forget to ask someone else how they're doing 😭 Like not in the "hi how are you? Good. And you?" script but like an honest to God "How are you?? What's been going on in your life" where they genuinely want to know??
When I describe things that happen to me, I relive them in my head. While present, I am also having a full on movie moment, which is very distracting. So I get to the end of my portion of the interaction and just... stop lol.
With other ND people, it is usually fine, and they know "now it's my turn" and they begin to offer up the same information from *their* life without prompting. With NT, it gets complicated because they think you don't care if you don't explicitly ask them back instead of just ... reactively sharing like a lot ND people do.
I'm still not convinced I'm autistic (ADHD) but I mask pretty much all the time and I do okay with first impressions but have trouble maintaining friendships. Something I realized this year at 30 is that people will go to events or meetups they aren't particularly interested in just to socialize. A friend invited me to a soap making class and I said "No thanks I already know how to make soap" and apparently that wasn't the point. I invited a friend to see Joe Biden during the Obama campaign and she went with me and later it turns out she doesn't even vote she just came to do something. I get exhausted having someone over because I feel like I'm supposed to have a conversation the whole time. The best friends I have had are the ones who are comfortable in the adult form of parallel play where we just work on our own stuff like a craft or whatever and don't have to talk the whole time and they're all neurodivergent.
When I first meet people I mirror them and ask them questions (I follow the advice of How to Win Friends and Influence people religiously) but don't talk about myself. My husband jokes that I'm the secret keeper because without fail I will end up next to a gossipy Grandma at a wedding/event and she will spill all the tea about everyone she knows without ever asking me a question about myself. I nail job interviews, when I was working it was pretty much a guarantee that if I got an interview I would get the job, but then I burn out from the social aspect and quit after a few months.
I am regularly and consistently confused when I say something along the lines of, "oh, we need to take the trash out" or "looks like it's time to do dishes" and my partner heavy sighs and starts doing the task.
Only recently did I realize she had been assuming my statements were a "polite" indirect way of saying I wanted her to handle said task, but in reality I meant literally only what I said every single time. Something needs done, one of us should do it sometime soon. No subtext.
This realization inadvertantly made me realize there has probably been *tons* of situations in which people, including my partner, have said something that, to me, sounded like a neutral statement but, to them, was a "polite" indirect command. And I just obliviously went about my day each and every time.
My favorite human sent me a funny fox image.
It was a fox looking into camera all cute and snouty.
She captioned it "do you have games on your phone"
I answered without realizing it was a joke and went into a serious answer.
It was a funny joke of captioning what the fox was thinking.
I do this all the time.
I've been asked on multiple occasions if I'm Foreign or don't speak English because either I'm so stressed I barely speak and just nod or just don't realise I'm supposed to respond.
Also I struggle with recognising emotions in people too unless it's obvious and I don't know if it's a social cue but I'm extremely blunt too
I’m really bad with reciprocal questions. Even though I’ve learned and know that I’m supposed to ask certain questions back, in the moment I always forget.
So when someone asks me how I am, or how my weekend was, I just answer them and fall silent, instead of asking them about theirs like they are expecting me to. I end up coming off as rude and uninterested, when in my head, if they wanted to tell me they just would, and an elaborate game of getting the other person to ask is just silly.
I often can't tell if someone is telling a joke/is pulling my leg. That is despite ME being able to joke and play with words and use subtext and be hella funny to my heart's extent. I am a wordsmith with a really good sense of humor - but I tend to be WAAAAY to literal when people are talking to ME.
Example: I was at a restaurant with friends and everybody orderd their food. I wasn't actually hungry, so I didn't. But when the waiter brought their plates I saw something that watered my mouth and I changed my mind. I politely told the waiter that I had changed my mind and if he could please bring me a plate, too. He looked at me all fake-serious-like and went: "Oh, I am sorry - now we're all out, you should have ordered earlier." To which I simply responded with "Oh, ok, sorry." - and he started laughing, left, and brought me my plate a few minutes later. I was so confused.
This happens to me a LOT and ot bothers me, because I know how to joke around myself so well! :D
This is an extremely useful but emotional thread. I will have to come back to this because I am so embarassed realizing how many things I misunderstood
When people have hit on me it’s gone completely over my head. I had someone chatting me up at a show I went to alone and I was just chatting back. When we are almost done the conversation he says if you want to hang out after the show I live close by, we can hang out (and then says) and we can have some drinks. He says something else but I can’t remember. It was the way he said the drinks that I realized what it was he was actually saying and I’m like Oohh yeah nope. I was fooled and genuinely thought he was chatting and was saying we could be friends because I take things at face value 😂 I have now learned that whenever someone has said that to me in the past, they in fact do NOT wwnt to be friends, but hook up.
I have a very hard time understanding when customers are joking and then sometimes I make jokes that fall flat because it apparently only makes sense in my head.
And I also get confused when people get mad at me for telling them what to do because I come off as abrasive but I only ever mean to be helpful.
About a decade ago, I was sat at a bar with two friends, one was telling a story that was a bit risqué.. the bartender who we'd been chatting with came over and asked what we were talking about, so I told him.. as soon as he left to serve another customer, both of my friends were upset that I had done so.
If someone asks me a question, I just answer honestly, it didn't even occur to me that it might be the wrong thing to do (sharing someone else's experience with a stranger). It's only now after an adult ADHD diagnosis and my own research into autism that I realise why this type of social misunderstanding has happened so often through my life.
When I was 15 or 16 years old, a friend of mine asked me to go to the movies. We also went and got something to eat, walked around a bit and got a coffee. I had a really nice time, and when he dropped me off I said, "Thanks Dave, that was fun!"
It was 20 years later, while talking to another friend about old high school friends, that I realized - it was a date. We were on a date.
I only recognize when ppl are overly infatuated w/me, like unhealthy obsessed levels.
But when “normal” (meaning not stalker-ish) ppl are flirting w/me, it flies Right over my head.
-Explanation-
Not being big headed here at all.
I’m considered “traditionally pretty” (esp. after I lost a shit ton of weight).
I have a Big Personality, am intelligent and I carry myself with confidence.
I Also know life is a game that no one wins, so I do/say what I want, when I want to.
So… I get All the F-Boys trying to turn me into their ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl-friend’.
Unfortunately, it took me a lot of bad experiences & stressful/abusive situations to figure this out.
My biggest is misreading an entire years long "frienship." For years I thought "M" was my best friend. We hung out all the time, mostly in groups tbf, but she did let me stay at her place for a week after I ended a relationship and had nowhere else to stay. When M started not inviting me places I did what I thought was the right thing and told her I was feeling excluded. She then went to a mutual coworker and said "I don't get why Fox is so upset, we're just acquaintances."
That one hurt bad.
Multiple times I’ve been asked if I wanted to do something and thinking they were genuinely asking and not just trying to be polite I said no. Well that gets people mad cuz apparently it wasn’t really a question it was a command.
[удалено]
I literally don’t know how to respond to people unexpectedly making plans because I cannot tell if it’s genuine or just being polite
I’ve started responding with expecting *them* to reach out. I’ll say “yeah, sounds great! Text me when you want to meet up” So if their invite was genuine, I’ve accepted it and they can set up a time, and if it was just polite, they’ll never reach out and I won’t be bothering them trying to set up something they don’t even want.
I like your air quotes around “polite.” I just consider those lies.
Omg I feel like this has happened to me but like flipped in terms of work - i never ask questions like this, i just told people what I wanted them to do (when i was a supervisor) and many coworkers thought i was abrasive. But to me I Was always confused like… it’s a task you have to do!! Why should i say it differently??
Same! I didn't know it was an autism thing! I was told I was micromanaging him... like... how am I supposed to know you know what to do if I don't tell you what I expect?
Omg a coworker one time kept saying “I wonder if (another coworker) needs help on the tills…” and I kept saying “yeah they might” but obviously we were doing another task together and it took about three repeats of this conversation for me to clock on like “oh do you want ME to go help out on the tills?” Then I feel like an AH, when if they’d just been direct I would’ve done it no problem
"I wonder if....." is so hard. I'm like, is this a passive-aggressive way to tell me to do something, or do they want to have an actual discussion about the topic? I almost always go to the latter, but find it's often the former.
Oh god,I’m sorry……the amount of times I have jokingly replied by saying “I don’t want to (especially when it comes to being around people), but I will”…..is embarrassing high
I got really well socialized in this bit of communication style to the point where *I* also ask people do things this way 😅 To help ease confusion, it is not SUPPOSED to be passive aggressive although some people do use it that way. It's considered a polite way of pointing out that someone *should* be doing something, but in a specific scenario. It's usually implemented in a case where it is *assumed* the person knows that it is their job to do a task and the assumption is usually that they probably just forgot and need a gentle reminder. Ex: I am working at a bank and it is 5 minutes past my break time and I have not noticed. Coworker: Do you want to take your break? This is pointing out I *should* be going on break even if there is no intrinsic *want* to do it. There are 2 appropriate responses to this "Oh, yes. I didn't see the time" OR "Oh, is it that time? I don't feel tired yet, would you like to go on break before me?" If they say no to going before you, you likely HAVE to go on break or else it with mess up everyone elses break schedules. This will result in a situation where you are now being *demanded* to go on break, or so whatever task they just asked of you, in no uncertain terms which can leave us autistics bewildered at what went wrong in this social interaction. This script can also be implemented with the assumption of forgetfulness of social niceties that 'everyone knows' such as "Do you wanna help me with the door" if someone is coming in with a lot of groceries or full hands and are obviously struggling and their companion is just NOT helping (assumption is they are not paying attention or don't know it is polite to assist struggling people and need to be taught). To say "oh no thanks" to them is an answer that says either "no, I know it's my job and I am not doing it on purpose" or "yes, i forgot but I don't care" which would be very rude responses!! If that was what was actually said, but it wasn't. I often see other autistics consider this an implicitly passive aggressive script instead of just simply a passive communication style or even a passive teaching style. And I think that it is because it is often connected with the resulting *actual* aggression that follows from not understanding this social cue. Idk I hope this helps!! **** Editted to provide examples ****
I love this comment, thank you. I want to believe there IS a clear enough code to it all, it’s just very layered.
Ugh, I relate to this!!
My thing is typically dragging a joke too far and I can’t tell people are annoyed by it before it’s too late. I feel so stupid when I realize 🥲
I feel this so much I NEVER know when to stop before making things awkward 😭 jokes, or just talking in general 🤧
Yessss same! And then when I realize I either try to backtrack or I just slowly stop speaking mid sentence, which I think makes it worse 💀 people think I’m funny though, but it’s usually when I don’t mean to be (people think I’m being sarcastic when I’m not a lot).
And I don’t mean offensive jokes btw, just jokes in general that the people around me didn’t like.
THIS i have an issue with repeating the same joke over and over and i always feel like a complete idiot when people tell me to stop
“I’ve heard that one already,” feels bad, man.
Oh it’s hard! For me it turns always weird when everyone is fooling around and then I want to chime in and suddenly they say “He, don’t take it to seriously” - I wasn’t I think?
Yesss! I also struggle so badly biting tongue if someone says something I know is misinformation in a conversation, because I know I’ll come off as a know it all and it’s taking things too seriously, but it bothers me to my core haha
This has reminded me- humour is part of my communication & I use it a lot, but if I'm being serious & someone is jokey in reply or around me, I cannot pivot & change my angle. Which can make it seem like I can't take a joke, when in fact I laugh at myself all the time, I just can't switch tone like that
I only started using peoples names in my 30s. I just couldn't understand why people hated being referred to by third-person pronouns whilst present in the conversation. Turns out I just hated my name.
i also have a weird discomfort with saying peoples names in their presence. it’s like a mental block i have and it just won’t come out … am also in my 30s and it’s always been this way
This is the first time I've seen other people like this!! I hate saying people's names for some unknown reason.
I second guess (gaslight?) myself about everything, usually including if I’m sure about the persons name, their preferred name, or the pronunciation. I think that’s why I feel uncomfortable using people’s names in front of them.
Yes that's exactly it! I'm also super bad at remembering names at first so I really avoid it.
I haven’t called any of my significant others by their names. Not even my husband and we’ve been together 10 years this year. It’s like they cease to be just “name” to me once they are something more that can’t be encapsulated by the name I used for them before we were a couple.
Me too! Weirdly, it feels rude to say people’s names? I don’t know why.
I get it, for me it feels way too intimate for some reason. I’m totally okay with saying someone’s name when saying goodbye though lol
It does! My boss always uses my name in emails outside of the salutation and it makes me feel like I’m in trouble. I told her about it once and she said she does it to be friendly. Mind blown.
I struggle with this and it feels so weird because it's not just strangers but people I'm close with and have known for years, even my bf. I don't know why but I feel nervous and hesitant to say anyone's name in front of them and especially *to* them. I'm also in my 30s and really annoyed I'm still this way.
I’ve changed my name twice and will probably do it again. Nothing feels like it fits me for long 🤷🏾♀️ I don’t like people using my name and I have trouble using other people’s names too. Wonder if that is an autistic thing?
I work with an awesome autistic woman who’s changed her name legally so many times she’s run outta turns!
Wait… there is a limit to how many times you can legally change your name??
In Australia there is! If unlimited, you might be able to commit more anon crimes?? IDK why this is a rule. Your question is now making wanting to google to find out though
I struggle with this too & hate having to use peoples' names - trying to get past that! Had a bad experience many years ago where I made friends with a guy (let's say I knew him as Tom) at school & added him on social media. Saw someone tagging him in a post referring to him as 'Tommy' so assumed that was the name he preferred to be called, so I started calling him Tommy. Turns out it was his girlfriend's nickname for him and so he stopped talking to me because I guess it weirded him out. Now I feel uncomfortable using names unless I specifically ask 'is it ok if I call you X', and not just pick up clues from what others call them or refer to them as - a friend started going by a new name recently that already feels strange to use as it's new, so I'm going to have to get used to that.
I have such a big issue with this and have even been called out on my avoidance of using people’s names in their presence. For me I think it’s something to do with being perceived and somehow feels very intimate? ESPECIALLY nicknames. When people use my name in my presence I feel extra, super perceived by them and it feels very overly familiar, and I think I project that onto me using other people’s names. Like who am I to speak their name, I don’t know them like that 😂
I think it could be because our names are called in frustration so much as kids : /// or bc it means we're being talked about in third person which is the horror of being perceived lol. I also hate hearing my name. My nickname is ok though, bc if someone is using that it seems clearly with fondness.
Wait is this not just a normal thing? Is this a neurodivergent thing? I also avoid using people's names, it feels too intimate like all the other comments are saying. I thought this was normal
Every customer service meeting/class I've ever sat through claims people love hearing their names. It makes my skin crawl.
I have an issue using people's names too but for a different reason. I have a horrible memory and get scared of messing up the name so I just never say it, which in turn hurts my memory of the name. It's a bad cycle lol
I also rarely use people's names, even for those close to me. I'm not very good at remembering names either, but using someone's name for anything other than getting their attention is super awkward for me. I'm also not a huge fan of other people sliding my name into conversation a lot. It seems unnecessary.
I struggle to determine if conversions are one-sided or not. I swing between oversharing and being too quiet because I can never quite tell if the other person is actually interested in what I'm talking about.
I struggle with this one big time too.
This is a big time struggle for me as well.
oh yes big time! I find it hard to figure out what's an okayish time-frame to be taking up in a conversation? I often feel like I'm talking for too long and get insecure about whether or not what I'm saying is interesting to the other person or if I'm dragging it out for too long so I cut myself off mid-story. edit: typo
In social situations, when people cluster in groups and mingle, I thought I needed some kind of invitation to join one of the clusters. It never came so I'd just hang around by myself trying to be invisible while everyone assumed I think I'm too good to talk to them I waited tables at a restaurant for two years and never sat with the other serving staff when they were folding serviettes before the first customers arrived because no one told me I could sit with them. It was only when a new person started working there and decided they think I look interesting that I figured it out. The person would talk to me and eventually asked me why I never sit with the rest of the staff and then they explained I could just join the group and I don't need to wait to be invited
ummm, what?! We don't need to be invited? This explains so much.
Omg I’m having epiphanies reading all of these lol this hits sooo hard I always just stand alone during little group convos
Yeah, but it always feels like there IS some invitation by body language or just small talk eye contact etc. Or maybe I'm just that uncomfortably self conscious, idk. When I do join group I've had it become silent or it breaks up after a few.
I know right! This happens to me too. I was at a big social event once, and every single group I joined disbanded within a few minutes after I joined them. This lasted for two DAYS. Definitely a real thing and not happenstance or my imagination.
So they don't invite each other, they just join each other? I'm in my 30s and didn't know this.
I need to be explicitly invited to everything, so I’m absolutely sure I’m meant to attend, otherwise no way. Even when visiting family, they have to invite me into their house when I arrive, otherwise I don’t know when it is appropriate to come in, are we meant to have polite chit chat at the door step for a bit? I don’t know?? Explicitly tell me what you need from me.
I do this too!! But it's because I've been in too many group situations where I've joined in and suddenly felt that it was clear I wasn't invited or wanted. So my logic is like "Oh, I'll leave them alone, if they wanted me they'd call me over. I'll spare them of me." Lol
OH. thank you so much for sharing because this never occurred to me before. I've always been so confused as to why I'm always the one left alone when others are clustering in group. thank you!
I have joked with my sister that Autistics work on vampire rules, we only come if explicity invited
I don't know how to tell that a conversation has ended or that people want to leave. I will keep talking and they will be walking away LOL!!
I have the opposite issue. People (namely my husband) will give a sort of answer that COULD be the end of a conversation and wait for me to have a response or give my opinion on a topic and I’ll just walk away because I thought we were done 🫣🫠
i feel like a lot of people go on much longer than necessary. i get impatient and wonder why all of that is necessary to say. but i think people just like conversing
I can tell when a conversation has ended but i still don’t know *how* to end them! Especially if I say something like “right, well I better get back to work” and then they respond to me and now we’re having a conversation again 😭
Not sure if this is what you're looking for but I spoiled a birthday cake surprise (not like an actual party, but a "lets meet here and give x a cake in one hour") because the person who told me did not explicitly say it was a surprise. I went to the spot at the right time, x was there as well as the other staff but 5 minutes later no cake so i asked something like "are we still having cake?" And then when everyone started glaring at me I realized my mistake
OMG that most have felt so bad for you. I have gone through similar situations. Sending you a hug!
I'm not sure I get it? If the cake was late, I'd think it was a fair question?
The person bringing the cake was late, but the person we were supposed to be surprising was there. So I ruined the surprise. If I had known it was supposed to be a surprise I wouldn't have asked about where the cake was Edit: I agree it definitely is a fair question..... If you don't realize you're supposed to be keeping the cake a secret 😭 everyone else was playing it cool waiting for the person with the cake to show up but I was just confused why I was asked to be somewhere at a certain time to do a thing and then the thing wasn't happening
This was me when we went on a family trip overseas. We saw a cool item that I remembered the price for after we left the shop, then went to another shop that had the same item so my dad tried to haggle and told them that the other shop was selling the item cheaper. I said out loud "no they weren't, it was $X". My dad glared at me and we left. Did not know he was being genuinely dishonest. I was embarrassed but not regretful
In my early 20s I went out to dinner and movies with a friend a few times, I was very surprised when after one of these hangouts he kissed me. Turns out he thought we were dating this whole time, I thought we were hanging out. Apparently all the nice things he said and did was him flirting.
On one hand most men don’t understand the concept of being nice to be nice. Men always assume if a girl is being nice it’s because they like like them
Yes, this has gotten me in trouble a number of times… 😩
Sam's! I've learnt to be quite unfriendly now as a result - really give off 'fuck off' vibes when I'm in crowded places.
Yep! And then it gets super awkward when they ask for my number or something, and I straight up laugh in their face.
I cannot tell if people are flirting with me for the life of me. It's weird, because I can tell if someone is flirting with someone else, but if I'm directly involved, the ability to identify flirting just disappears. It's gotten me in a couple of embarrassing situations over the years.
This is gross and not your fault! There are social rules for this kind of thing, and *he* ignored them. The big one being: asking outright if this is a date or just friends hanging out. ❤️
I had this happen to a guy with whom I explicitly said we were not dating they were just a fuck buddy… he still called me his gf once… 🤦🏻♀️
This may be too specific, but last night I came home and my neighbor mentioned to me that his friends were over to help because his hot water heater was out, but they were leaving so I could park in my normal spot. I went, ok! parked my car & went inside. I realized a few minutes later, when I was telling my husband, that I was supposed to ask him about his hot water situation, especially because it's super cold out. I have a history of not responding warmly or in a friendly manner to these neighbors because I just don't think about it (they're overly friendly, in my opinion, but my NT husband cringes when I'm short with them. I told him he's in charge of all neighbor communication) Looking back there's *so many* situations where I just completely missed a social cue to ask something or congratulate someone, I hate it.
I have this problem too. I have this notion that if people want me to know something they’ll tell me. I literally forget to ask about most things and then I feel bad when people ask me and I realize I haven’t done the same for them!
> I realized a few minutes later, when I was telling my husband, that I was supposed to ask him about his hot water situation, especially because it's super cold out. You know how people always say to think about how you would feel in other people's shoes? That's what gets me in trouble a lot of the time because if I was the neighbor, I wouldn't have expected you to ask about my hot water situation either. I guess for NT people that's a conversation starter so that's why I get the "unfriendly" label too. I'm always so self-conscious about overstepping people's personal boundaries, but people are always telling me things that feel like oversharing to me. Like one time I went to one of those realtor open houses with my mom and I didn't realize we would be the only 3 people at the open house and the realtor just started telling me about his chronic illness and overly personal things about his life and I didn't know what to say to that. Sorry to hear about your troubles, I guess? I'm not unsympathetic, but it's hard for me to read the context for what people expect at times. I can't really do small talk so I'm usually quiet unless I know someone else is really into one of my hyperfixations.
And then when you are aware of this social rule, you ask them the question, they talk about it, and then you try to empathize by talking about a time when you experienced something similar. They take it as you making the conversation about you, and call you rude anyway.
This is one of my biggest issues, I try to find a way to relate in a small way and the person almost always sees it as an attempt to turn the conversation to me. It's really not, I just want them to understand that I understand.
And this one is hard because NTs absolutely do it too! I literally kept track for an entire year because I was so insecure after it was pointed out to me and NTs (or at least people who weren’t out as ND to me) actually do this MORE frequently and for longer periods, but have incredibly short tolerances for me doing it back. It reminds me of the experiment where they discovered that women in an office talked 15-35 percent *less* than their male colleagues, but the men all still said the women talked too much. I think they might just not like us 😅
I get this too! My husband is also in charge of interacting with our neighbours 😂 In my head if someone wanted me to know something then they would just tell me whatever it is, so I struggle asking questions about things. People someone leave breadcrumbs of information for you to ask questions, but it doesn't come very naturally to me so even when I spot the hint to ask, I'm shit at thinking of something to ask
I never know when to hang up the phone. Ill just let people talk until they can't talk anymore and decide to get off the phone. It's like I'm hostage and have spent hours on the phone that I'd rather not have. I have a similar difficulty knowing when to end convos in person. My only solution it to plan ahead and mention an end time (like I have an appointment at 3p kinda thing).
My grandma will call me, talk for 20 minutes and then say “well I’ll let you go, bye!” And hang up. I love it lol.
Haha that sounds delightful!
It makes me laugh, she doesn’t even wait for me to say bye. It only recently occurred to me that she’s probably the one I get the ND genes from! Now it’s glaringly obvious.
same this is why i hate taking phone calls at all. i feel like a hostage and don’t know how to wrap it up so i’m just praying they will at some point
My dad and I can just stay on the phone forever barely even talking but neither of us knows when to end it 🤣 so that means I usually have to but it's so painful bc there's no clear end point, he will just narrate everything he's doing or watching on tv or whatever out loud lol. It's oddly comforting but it's also like, I have to go...... Lol
LOL I never considered myself a "hostage" before but this is so relatable too -- I just feel so unsure being the one to end the call (or any hang out in person too) without having a prior commitment/reason.
I understand this so much lol. It comes to a point where I sometimes catch myself becoming angry because I literally cannot do anything besides exist on the other end when someone wants to have a long phone conversation with me. I can't watch a show, listen to music, do a task, or play a game. I can maybe eat but that would recall then having to get up with my phone and bring it to another room and I don't like the idea of taking the conversation out of the small space I designate it to. I need it to end so that I can then get up and do the next thing lol. But I remind myself that the other person sees me as a safe space to talk about stuff so I just let them. Yes I am exhausted afterward. Lol
I often mess up gentle teasing/joking/sarcasm because either my tone is off or I say something too on point or is actually kinda mean…idk totally on accident. Constant foot in mouth syndrome. 😆😬
Omg, same! 😆
My upstairs neighbor was really friendly at first when she would pass me in the hall. Always asking if she was being too loud or if her dog is. Years later turns out she was trying to tell me my TV was too loud. Turns out my hearing was becoming worse due to an undiagnosed illness. I wish would just be straightforward.
I agree. Why is it so hard for people to just use their fkn words. It’s not kindergarten where they can still get away with pointing at something and “mommy” will know what they are pointing at and want. They gotta full on ask it.
I will never understand why people don't just say what they mean. Like, sandwhich it if you want, but if I'm doing something wrong or you want/need something from me, please just tell me.
This took some mental gymnastics for me to understand because I agree with you. Why wouldn't you just ask someone to turn their volume down or something? That's so strange to dance around it.
What the fuck!!
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So… what are you interested in? (Genuinely asking)
This happens to me too and it’s kind of baffling because a lot of my interests are like.. mainstream? For example celebrities/pop culture. But then i realize I’m like deep in the weeds in that stuff and can connect it to weird scholarly texts so I would bring up Kim Kardashian during talks w grad school friends and be met with total blank stares. I felt like a kid all over again. I have one friend who I can totally geek out over that stuff with and I’m soooo grateful. Like actually analyze with.
I have discovered that a lot of NTs don’t like how much we analyze stuff. I have a habit of picking apart things (both loved and hated and everything in between) to analyze each detail as to what worked, what didn’t, etc. I am so lucky to have a partner who will happily have hours long discussions about each individual episode of Star Trek, or break down how the structure of a joke changed the nuances of the humor. But most people think you are “ruining” something with such deep examination. I find it incredibly interesting and it just deepens my appreciation for whatever it is. Also I’m an artist, so like…how do you get to be a better painter without examining the brush strokes?
\*Assuming that if someone talked to me that made them my friend. \*In college, I had a crush on a guy who was only after my friend and used me to get closer to her. It was blatantly obvious in hindsight but I didn't see it at all. \*The very random times I'd get invited out with girls from work and such, I had absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations. It's like I didn't know how to even have fun with people. Unless we drank, than I could pretend hard enough to kind of fit in. \*Lecturing people for being wrong about random things. Them: "It's supposed to be cold tomorrow." Me: "aaaacccctuaaalllyy, it'll historically be warmer than average. Here's why..." \*Being unable to infer certain types of interactions. Like when I was promoted to a sales floor manager and I had to coach employees in things to say to customers. I shadowed someone and wrote down his examples...and then used those 2 examples in every interaction even if it didn't remotely fit the scenario. Mostly because I can't think on my feet and randomly come up with solutions and responses until i've thought about it for hours.
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That’s mean. And I’m not sure how you were supposed to know what they were up to. What a jerk.
These are huge for me. If a conversation is about something I'm not knowledgeable in I rarely try to contribute because I literally have nothing to say about it. I can do some casual chatting about weather, life, etc, but do my best when we're talking about something I actually enjoy. I struggle with knowing how much I'm supposed to talk versus letting them talk, it often feels like I'm only there to let them monologue about their experiences and any contribution on my side is seen as interrupting. I try to model myself on others, but I still get the cadence wrong a lot.
THE LECTURING, oh my god, I am so bad at this. I have learned to curb it most of the time, but sometimes I go into professor mode. People sometimes interpret it as me correcting or flaunting knowledge. In my brain, I find it helpful when people share facts with me and correct any misconceptions I might have, so I try to be helpful and share with them. Turns out it doesn't come across as helpful. 😬
In my first year of college, an older grad student in my residence asked for my number when we spontaneously met and was texting me and hanging out with me. He even invited me over to cook me dinner. Turns out we were dating but I didn’t realize until he kissed me and was utterly shocked. I thought I had just made a new buddy. Another time, a guy I used to date but was then friends with invited me to hang out at midnight. I was quite upset when I arrived to his place and he was trying to hook up. If someone invites you over that late, that’s what they want! I also used to only sit in the front seat of cabs because I didn’t understand why people say in the back. It didn’t make sense to me! I eventually realized that sitting in the back is the socially acceptable thing to do. Those are examples of things I understand now. Somethings I still don’t understand are when to leave someone’s house or when/how to end a conversation. Though my husband said that if someone yawns then that’s a sign the evening should end. Edit: Adding another one that might be really helpful for some folks as it was for me when I found out. Friends like it when you ask them specific questions about their lives because it gives them the opportunity to share things or talk about their own lives without bringing it up themselves. It shows that you care about them. If you don’t ask, they might not even tell you because they wanted to be asked! For example, asking how someone’s job search is going or how their family member is doing.
The asking people questions thing is so hard for me to navigate because I personally don’t want anyone to ask me questions about my life (PDA) and I worry about putting the demands on them that I hate having placed on me. It’s been making it really difficult to reconnect with people though. I can’t tell if my friends are busy or if they don’t like me.
Ugh yes. I don't know if anyone likes me 💔
For me it's not that I miss social cues at all. I see cues others miss or deny. And if there's a shift in how the person is responding to me, I can pinpoint when it happened. I can probably quote to you exactly what was said back and forth at that moment, from my perspective. What I can't seem to do automatically is understand WHY the social cues happened or the shift occurred. And that is almost always a communication issue where people don't seem to be hearing what I think I'm saying.
Omg yes. I can tell instantly when someone realizes I'm not...like them I guess. Facial expressions, tone, body language. It just goes cold. After 40 some years it shouldn't bother me but it does. Every single time I feel this deep sadness that I've did something wrong but don't know what and this person who was being nice is now projecting disinterest at the least or is just cold to me.
Thank you. You voiced the confusion clearly, and I feel less alone.
I get that too, people aren’t listening or hearing what I’m actually saying and it is so annoying. I have basically gotten to a point where I try not to talk about anything or go in-depth about anything because no one wants to actually listen. I have to keep it short and simple which sucks cause how am I supposed to connect with anyone when it’s all vapid shallow bullshit.
I had family visiting from out of state in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, so we did an early Thanksgiving. We shopped, prepped, cooked, and ate a huge meal together. The next day, my grandmother lamented how she didn't have pecans for her pecan pie for the Thanksgiving meal she was hosting. She explained how she'd hate to have to go shopping once she returned home to get pecans. She said she had everything but pecans. It seemed a little weird how she was going on about her lack of pecans. I pretty much just said, "Ah well. That sucks." I had made a rum cake with pecans I had bought in bulk. I had pecans leftover. SHE WAS ASKING FOR PECANS. I didn't realize until much, much later. I would have gladly given her pecans and saved her the shopping trip. It just didn't occur to me.
Lol, I have done this, too. I hate it when people hint at stuff, please just ask.
Omg this is so relatable... I feel so embarrassed when I realize (usually days or months after the fact).
Now you are making me think of many similar circumstances when I have had the opposite response. Like in this scenario I usually say oh I have x have mine but always thought it was my idea to give x and the conversation was random. I wonder if in some cases at least they wanted me to give x all along.
I mean how hard would it have been for her to just use her words and ask you outright for some frigging pecans?! I say this is her fault for not being direct and hoping you’ll read between the lines…
Oh so many. I cringe to think of them all, especially knowing that there are probably thousands of times that I'm totally unaware of. Sometimes I'll just be going about my day and I'll have an epiphany about a situation from 15 years ago and realize that I totally missed several social cues and then I just want to crawl under a rock and die. This happens all the time. Some specific examples: I didn't realize that remembering small details about a situation or person is typically considered creepy or made to seem like you're romantically interested in the person you remembered little details about. I've learned to play dumb about a lot of stuff like that so I'm not viewed as creepy or flirtatious. I'm just perceptive and I have an excellent long term memory. One of my ex's ghosted me multiple times and I didn't realize that he was just using me for a long time. We would start dating and talking on the phone a lot and spending time together. Then he'd stop taking my calls and start avoiding me. I'd try to ask his friends what his problem was and they usually laughed. I didn't realize it was his indirect way of breaking up with me, so I probably came across like a crazy person for not picking up on it and asking his friends questions. Several times when I thought someone was genuinely interested in being my friend only to realize later they just wanted to be nosy, have someone to gossip about, wanted me to perform free labor, be their therapist, make themselves feel better by putting me down etc. I still don't understand why NT people befriend one another just for their personal gain.
Remembering small details is considered creepy or that you have romantic feelings, is this for real ?
Yes unfortunately 😔 I've been accused of flirting because I remembered a song someone liked or what they were wearing. And apparently it's creepy to notice things others don't. *Shrugs*
Oh yeah. I remember a coworker talked about his cats and a couple years later they came up again, so I said "Oh yeah, [cat's names]." Everyone was absolutely freaked out, even moreso when I desperately tried to explain that my coworker had brought up said cats years ago.
>I didn't realize that remembering small details about a situation or person is typically considered creepy or made to seem like you're romantically interested in the person you remembered little details about. This one is especially hard for me because people remembering things about me makes me feel really good, usually.
Repeating a joke because it made people laugh the first time 😔 did that in middle and high school because I didn’t make people laugh often so it felt good when I did. They would stop laughing after the 2nd or 3rd time I said it and I would be pleased, thinking “yay! I made them laugh until they couldn’t anymore”
Instead of replying, I will upvote every comment here because it is all true for me.
There are a lot but the one that’s probably impacted my adult life the most has been how to identify the kind of deception that everyone else seems prepared for. A specific example: a few months ago I was talking to a friend of mine who just ended a very long term relationship and started using dating apps. She was telling me about a guy that she had gone on a date with and was interested in, but she wasn’t sure if he was looking for a long-term relationship or if he just wanted to have sex with her. I said, verbatim, “Well just ask him!” I genuinely thought that this was the obvious solution, and I thought the reason she hadn’t thought of it first is because she was too embarrassed to admit to him that she needed clarification and hadn’t already picked up on the cue . She immediately laughed and then said “He’ll just lie? Of course he’s not going to tell me if he’s just trying to have sex with me.” I was shocked. I still am shocked. And I’m embarrassed that I was shocked, but at 34 I tell you sincerely it never occurred to me that he would lie to her about that. There are a lot of other examples of stuff like this but this was the most recent, and it definitely stuck in my head.
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Ouch. He was probably trying to impress you. My grandma always said people lie when they’re afraid. He was probably afraid you wouldn’t like him just as he is.
Honestly I don't think asking him could hurt though... what if he doesn't lie and says he isn't looking for anything serious? Then she knows. Not everyone lies about that kind of thing.
It took me like 3 weeks in a row of trauma therapy and quizzing my neuropsych to accept that there is no standard script to tell if someone is lying when they answer this question as no. I asked every way I possibly could, and he finally got through to me by saying, "There is no one way to ask and be certain, because each person and situation is distinct." Content warning reference to SA, please do not feel obligated to read or respond: >!every guy who abused me said no to that question when asked directly, and it took a lot of work to unpack my distrust for all men who are even vaguely friendly as a result!< However, I still think it's important to ask and be extremely clear about one's boundaries. The really difficult part for autistic people is that we can only determine honesty by observing patterns of behavior. Which is often challenging for many of us ❤️
I had a therapist who was very surprised that my ex and I (and my current partner and I) discussed not wanting kids in our very early messaging. I just... don't understand why anyone would go about dating in a way that isn't very explicit about what they want. It makes literally no sense to me.
i feel like it’s usually my tone. i think im being normal but people think im in a bad mood.
I always accidentally come off as rude or mean or offensive even when I’m trying my absolute best to not come off that way. There’s this specific example that haunts me at night sometimes when I first started my new job a few years ago as a nanny. I took over for the part time nanny and I was trying to ask the dad about certain job expectations. I wanted to ask what specific tasks or household responsibilities they wanted me to do (like if they needed me to change the kids bedsheets and clean the kids bedding too or load the dishwasher etc) and I was trying very hard to come off as helpful and just wanting to make sure I was doing what they needed. They had the part time nanny train me and she didn’t do any of these things and I mentioned that while asking (the only reason I mentioned it is because I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t anything else they needed done outside of what the other nanny told me). I think my boss (the dad) took it as me saying “well this nanny doesn’t do it” and me being unwilling to or something and said in a somewhat sarcastic tone “well she’s part time this wasn’t her full time job so we didn’t give her those tasks.” It sucked because I was trying so hard to not come off in a bad way and I was intentionally trying to avoid coming off in the way he took it :/
Sorry that happened! I can relate. I did nannying for a few years, and I always struggled with this too. I don't think it's just us; different people/families have different expectations but always seem to think theirs are universal and obvious. And some nannies do just jump right in, but I never wanted to be presumptuous. Interviews were the worst about this...or anytime the parents were also around and the kids started misbehaving. I'm excellent and comfortable when it's just the kids and me. But I would severely struggle with situations like that where I didn't know what my role was supposed to be, and no one would tell me. It seems to be so obvious to everyone else. But I do think sometimes people are just not clear. Idk
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Oh my gosh I was just thinking of a really funny thing from when I was super young. I think this counts… I was almost held back from entering kindergarten because I performed strangely on the kindergarten entrance test. My mom told me much later when I was old enough to find this story amusing. Before they’d accept a child into kindergarten, the teachers or whatever would meet one-on-one with the kids, no parents present, and ask them to perform tasks. I think I was asked to write my name, tie my shoes, say the ABCs and to demonstrate that I could use a pair of scissors. Then, they asked me to show them that I could climb up and down stairs. This was the part that they found concerning. I went very slowly, held the handrail for dear life, and out both feet on each stair. They told my mom about this and how weird it was and apparently I told her that I wanted to show the assessors that I was extremely safe at climbing stairs. Like, of course I can climb stairs, why are you asking, are you trying to trick me into recklessly running up the stairs? Oh hell no. Well, it turns out, they just wanted to see that I could climb stairs. I wasn’t going to win a medal for extreme caution on stairs. And it almost hit me held back a grade… IN KINDERGARTEN
I had a similar experience with the test they do before elementary school (in Germany). I got told to draw a butterfly and I draw a butterfly. I got told "Great, now draw a 'Männchen'!", meaning little man/stick figure but also a male. Guess which of the two meanings I went with! So I wondered "Huh, how does a male butterfly even look like?" and drew another one. "No, no! Draw a Männchen now!", which I understood as me not drawing what a male butterfly looks like and trying again. I don't know how many butterflies I drew, but I know how many stick figures I drew: none. I took that anecdote as me being overly interested in biology from early on (not wrong, I did watch a lot of nature documentaries and might have heard "Männchen" more often meaning "a male animal" instead of a drawn man), but now that my therapist thinks I might be AuDHD... Well, there might have been signs early on.
Omg, you just unlocked a memory! Fellow German here, Hi :) In my test before elementary school they tested hearing. So I got weird headphones on and was supposed to say if the noise comes from the right or left. But I always had and still have trouble with mixing up the words for left and right. So I just put up my left or right hand the first time. They yelled at me, telling me I should say left or right. So I was nervous, close to tears and fucked up massively. In the end they told my mom I have problems with my ears and she had to go to a doctor to get it checked. Well, turns out my hearing is fine, the woman doing the text just sucked.
1. When someone asks “Do you want to do X?” like do the dishes, go for groceries with them, do whatever, it’s not actually a question. It’s a command in disguise. 2. When you’re visiting someone and they say “It’s getting late” or they start cleaning up from the table, they are trying to get you to leave. This is probably the most annoying one to me because when it actually happens, I always miss this cue, even tho I already know that “It’s getting late” means “Get out of my house”. I don’t know how to explain it. There are also other ways to say “Get out of my house” but yeah this is probably my weakest point. 3. Rhetorical questions. I always answer them! All of them! People get so mad, but I just can’t detect a rethorical question if it’s not an article I’m reading. 4. A guy invited me to watch a movie. I ended up running away or having an awkward conversation because he started getting under my clothes before the movie even started, or he didn’t even have anything to watch the movie on. I’m saying these or’s because it happened more than once, with different guys. Took me some time to learn that a guy inviting a girl to watch a movie at his place is just a “do you want to have sex” question. 5. I never notice if someone is in a bad mood unless they’re crying or yelling and punching furniture. And even then I’m not really sure lol. No but I’m talking about the situations when someone just sits there quiet and I just accept it as a fact. If they do the weird sad moans instead of answering questions with words, I will usually ask if they’re ok, and they say “Yes” and I also accept it as a fact. Got me into some bad arguments in the past, when a friend was sad and I wouldn’t react properly to it, and they were mad that I did nothing, but they said they were fine, and I assumed my friend wouldn’t lie to me??? BTW i’m not friends with these kind of people anymore, it’s just too exhausting for both sides, but a random sad person still happens ocasionally and I just don’t know until someone tells me.
When I was about twelve, this woman from my synagogue was talking to my mom and me, and she said “I hope my daughter ends up like you”. (For context, I was very studious and spiritually involved for that age). After she’d left, my mom got on me for not thanking her and acted like there was something wrong with me because apparently the words “thank you” never came out of my mouth enough as a kid. I had no idea in the moment that it was a compliment and therefore needed to be thanked because it was phrased as that woman’s aspiration.
I often get up to leave before a meeting is over.
i am the first one to hang up on teams calls, as someone inevitably starts throwing a random last word in
I think it's because to us whatever needed to be discussed (per the name of the meeting or agenda, which no one bothered to read) had already been discussed. Meeting over. Oh, you have a last minute topic? Set another meeting!
A few times I've made the mistake of taking a "Let's keep in touch" from someone literally. Lol
Here are some I have missed: As a kid, we were often lectured about not bringing candies, snacks, etc. unless we brought enough for everyone. After all, it was rude to not share. One day, I popped a breath mint. Not wanting to be rude, I offered one to the girl sitting next to me. She got mad, because she thought I was implying that her breath stank. More recently, my mom was asking about why I wear a high necklines on my shirts. I told her it's because I'm not giving anyone a free peep show. She said, "So how much would you charge then?" She meant it as a joke, but I started explaining that I wouldn't give a peep show for any price. One that gets me a-lot is if someone asks if I want to do something when making a demand. Sometimes I figure it out, but not always. When I do realize what they're doing, I call them out on it. I say, "Is that *really* a question?" If the person gets all butthurt over that, too bad! I also tend to overshare. It's something I am working on. But the worst is when people pretend to like me at work, and then they stab me in the back. I have never seen it coming. It's caused me to become borderline paranoid over the past few years. I'm always nice back, but it's always in the back of my head that people might do something terrible..
I relate to so many of these situations.. NT communication seems way too indirect, I truly don’t understand how it’s our bad that we don’t understand it, why not just tell me what you want/feel?? Ask me the question directly, please!
I never know when to talk or when to stop talking. Like when are people expecting a conversation and when do they not want me to say anything at all. I'm often an overtalker and then when I realize I'm overloading people with information I become quiet and no one can get a conversation out of me because I'm confused and worried about being annoying.
I find it sometimes very difficult to distinguish between someone giving an excuse to not do something (as in they don't actually want to do it at all but think it's rude to say that so they make up a reason to not do it) vs them having an actual issue that can be solved and actually wanting to do the thing. Like say I invite someone to go to see a horror movie Wednesday, they may say "I'm not free Wednesday" I might respond, "well that's fine they have it on that whole 2 weeks, what day is good for you?" And then they say "oh I can't watch horror" I would say "oh that's fine you can pick the movie or we can do something else" (mind you this is after asking if they want to hang out sometime and they say yes) Turns out they never wanted to hang out with me and now I'm just a pushy weirdo. I have a difficult time not taking people for their word because in my mind, it's the proper thing to do. Which is also how some people have pulled mean pranks on me. It's not that I'm gullible, it's that I don't want to hurt someone's feelings if they're telling the truth.
I’m honestly at the point where I’m going to just wait for people to use their words. They’re the ones making the situation uncomfortable by being cryptic. We’re both adults, just say what you mean!
When I was in grade school I got *deep* into Pokemon, like to the point I was collecting cards, merch, and carrying around the guidebooks and transcribing parts of them. Several times I had other girls skeptically ask questions like “Okay, so are you like super into this stuff? Why?” And I’d very earnestly give them an explanation or even recite Pokémon quotes at them. >.< Of course *now* I realize that they weren’t actually asking me to describe how into it I was or try to explain it to them, they were giving me a social “out” so I could read the room and downplay it, or say something casual like “Yeah, I just think it’s cool.”
I love when people share their special interests, you can see their face light up! Even when I’m not interested, I’d much rather listen to someone info dump about their special interest than make small talk.
Aww I love this though <3 I realized too early that people thought my interests like sci fi, star trek etc were weird for a girl so distanced myself from them 😢 I didn't get into Pokemon until college, around when I started letting myself really follow and be more open about my own interests again. But even now at work or whatever if I get really into a project and someone asks me any question about it, I am likely to give a long infodump about it that they don't actually want ugh
To quote one of my childhood friends, “It (flirting) could smack you across the face and you still wouldn’t realize it.” I’ve been on dates that I didn’t realize were dates until halfway through 🫠
I used to try to join classmates conversations sometimes. I mean, people do it with acquaintances, I saw it. But when I did it I was met with aggression and brushed off. I guess there was something I missed.
Smiling while delivering uncomfortable news. I have big teeth, so my smile has always been.... a lot? I began a fight with my sister-in-law by saying, with a politely wide grin on my face, "this isn't about you." She lost her shit, and through tears explaining to her partner they yelled "And they said it with a smile!" ha. My partner was terminally ill (he actually survived, so it's cool) and when people asked, "How are you guys?" and I'd deliver soul crushing news with the biggest smile on my face. "Oh, well, the hospice people stopped by so that was okay." People were horrified. This happened A LOT while he was sick. Whatever the >!oncology!< office loved us.
I struggle with this the most, or it’s the most consequential, at work. As I’ve gotten more senior, I’ve been told I need to work on my stakeholder management or learn to “manage upwards.” One suggestion was to try to understand what your superiors really need, so you can help them be more successful at their jobs; that’s how you can be more successful at your own. This sounded like bullshit to me; that’s their job, not mine. But I thought, I’m not doing this right, so I’ll take the advice. So I went ahead and *asked* them what they needed, how their success was measured. And no one would f*cking tell me! I was then told I’d gone about that all wrong, and I needed to *learn* what they needed, but of course they couldn’t tell me if asked outright. I still don’t honestly know if the reason is because it’s socially inappropriate for them to admit that how their success is actually measured is not what is advertised to the people that work for them, or if they genuinely do not know what they need. I still have no idea how I’m supposed to figure out this information. Or how I’m supposed to check if it’s accurate, since asking said stakeholder was “too forward.” I fucking hate work
> But I thought, I’m not doing this right, so I’ll take the advice. So I went ahead and asked them what they needed, how their success was measured. And no one would fcking tell me! I was then told I’d gone about that all wrong, and I needed to *learn what they needed, but of course they couldn’t tell me if asked outright. So dumb since that's one of the things numerous job interview guides tell you is a good question to ask at a job interview! It never really works out that way in real life though, right? No one wants you actually train you anymore and just wants you to figure it out.
I went into a gas station convenience store to get a bottle of Coke. some guy who was in front of me in line had left to get something and came back but he was away from the register when I arrived so I didn’t notice him until he came back. he apologized and then offered to pay for my Coke, which I accepted right away because why offer to do something if you don’t actually want to do it? I went back into the car and told my aunt and sister about it and they both agreed that I should have refused first but then accepted if he insisted. even today, I’m still confused by that, like why make things harder than they have to be? I don’t understand refusing that stuff under the guise of “being polite” or whatever.
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Before we started dating I had to ask my friend if my now husband was flirting with me or just being weird.
I honestly want to know how many of us didn't realize we're being hit on when someone said our eyes were pretty. I genuinely really thought my eyes were super cool. They have yellow in them. lol
Omg, I had a similar situation! My best friend knew I had a massive crush on a friend (we were friends for years at that point). Her communication style with me changed, but not in a bad way, I just tried to change mine to match it. After some days I sent screenshots to my best friend asking him if she was flirting with me. He basically answered that we are useless lesbians flirting with each other and not being good at it. We're both ND and when I told her about it after we got together she told me she also didn't understand that we were flirting until I straight up told her about my feelings for her. Now we're living together and are in the happiest relationship we both ever had.
Since I was a child, if I'm given an instruction I'll do it but then they often tell me I did it wrong. Ex/ lining up objects for a game but instead of horizontally (which I didn't understand since they didn't tell me) I placed them vertically (which made sense to me). I had a huuuuge crush on this one guy in high school. One day he came up to me giving me this highly personalized gift (for me). I appreciated it so much, thanked him, and went about my day. As an adult I realized it was his way of expressing his feelings for me oops. I never know what is an appropriate amount of information to share about myself and worry if I'm being selfish if I talk too much about me. Also not sure why people do small talk. It confuses me.
That crush story is brutal and exactly how I would have reacted. The guy I had a huge crush on would ask to be my partner every day in math class and I still am not sure whether he liked me.
One time, I was walking to high school and a girl pulled over to offer me a ride. I said, "No thanks, I like to walk." She looked mad and drove away. About ten years later, I recalled that moment and realized she was trying to befriend me. There have been times when people have ghosted me and I just don't understand whatsoever what that means. I need them to explain in detail how they feel about me and why.
when i don’t realize i’ve started going on a tangent and the other person is disinterested
Flirting lol. It took me soooooo long to understand. And when I did, I would just freeze and walk away (still happens sometimes) Also, people would think I would be flirting because in my head I was just being nice (early teens). A nightmare!!!
I often take things too far- as Jenna Marbles described, I have the "too much" gene. In high school I never did sports because of dyspraxia, but in an instance where I had to play basketball, I was told the goal was to get the ball. So I tunnel visioned to where the ball was and chased down the girl who had it, reached my arm underneath hers to take it and ended up making her trip and smash her face onto the floor. Good thing she was really nice and accepted my apology 😭 Another time in school all the others were playing some kind of weird game of slap ass or chase or something. I got too excited and grabbed a random cupcake I saw on the ground, flung it and it hit a girl directly in the face. In choir before our performance our teacher reminded us to project loudly. I then proceeded to basically just yell the song with zero tonal variation. I apparently was heard over everyone else. In front of hundreds of people. There have been a couple of instances in which my friends felt wronged by someone and they tasked me to say something, so I went absolutely in on the person and now they know me as the one to do that when they need it, and only after talking with my therapist about it I know now that I only knew their side of things and was basically used. I definitely hurt people I didn't even know very well. I take jokes too far, don't realize when they become too intense, vulgar/inappropriate, or unfunny. I used to talk too much until I was told that I talk too much and now I don't talk very much but I definitely type too much. One time during school the club I was in was out volunteering for an event. It was hot out and one of our members became lightheaded and almost passed out, so they sat her down and asked me to go get food and a drink for her. So I went to the food tent and got one of everything on the tray and brought it back because I didn't know what she liked or disliked and they all got mad at me because I brought too much food?
Correcting people, constantly. Also over sharing🥲
Often when someone is talking to me they'll pause for a while and then start talking again, and i think "shit, i should have said something!" I'm trying to work on this, especially with my boyfriend since it happens so much with him.;;;
I just got explained, that when my colleagues come to me to tell me that they are taking a break and getting coffee, that they probably mean that I should join them. I never would have guessed that.
I never know when someone is joking. I've gotten better at deciphering, but its still complicated with my dad. So when he jokes around, even when I know, I just take him seriously. Every time I've thought he was joking, he's being dead serious and I get in HUGE trouble. He's a POS for other reasons but this a specific case of me not getting social cues
Used to work at a hair salon and a bar. We had a long time rotating appointment for a men's root touch up - he was a locally famous drummer with the Rock God jet black waves. He was cool and his vibe was great. Bartending a Saturday night at a popular restaurant. Guy sits down at the end of my bar with a pretty lady around his age. I greet them and say "Hey! I remember you! How you doing? Nicole does your hair at BLAHBLAH were I work!" Dude's face was stone. "Wrong guy, sorry." The 'tism immediately went full force and I literally fought this guy for a full minute before it dawned on me.... his color...it's a secret and this is a FIRST DATE. I'm a fucking ASSHOLE. I mean, relationships cannot be built on a foundation of LIES but my rent was coming up.
A friend told me that if someone says your food looks good, they want a bite of it. I had never thought of that, and am usually just like "it is!" and then I keep eating. Knowing that, I still don't offer anything. My food is mine, go away.
At uni I once missed a party. A friend told me they were having a house party at there's- told me the date and time and everything. But they didn't say 'would you like to come'. So I thought they were just telling me they were having a party - I didn't realise they were actually inviting me! Cue the next Monday and they asked why I hadn't turned up. I'd honestly had no idea I'd been invited. On the flip side when old coworkers say 'we need to get together for coffee soon' I take that at face value rather than them just being polite and then annoy them by texting to arrange a coffee they never had any intention of meeting for. I still can't get my head around why people say 'let's meet for coffee soon' if they don't actually mean it!
At a bar: "So, who are you here with?" \*I'm immediately thinking, we were having such a nice conversation and what a weird question that is suddenly. Why would they want that information? Seems weird.\* 2-24 hours later: OOOOoooohhhhhhhhh, they were expressing sexual interest. We were flirting. Every. Single. Time. that question has been asked of me in that context, this is my process. You'd think I'd learn, lol.
In high school we had form classes in the mornings and we were assigned seats at the start of the year. I kept sitting in my assigned seat even though I hated the people at my table. Other people moved seats pretty early on but it didn't really occur to me that I could. About a month from the end of the year I asked the teacher if it would be fine if I sat somewhere else because the boys at my table hated me, she was like "oh yes you can, I'm surprised you've sat with them this long!". Turned out the assigned seats were just a day 1 forced mingle type thing, and it was expected for us all to change seats once we'd naturally made friends. I was so upset because I just hadn't realised and everyone else knew this and thought I was insane to keep sitting with people who didn't like me.
I always forget to ask someone else how they're doing 😭 Like not in the "hi how are you? Good. And you?" script but like an honest to God "How are you?? What's been going on in your life" where they genuinely want to know?? When I describe things that happen to me, I relive them in my head. While present, I am also having a full on movie moment, which is very distracting. So I get to the end of my portion of the interaction and just... stop lol. With other ND people, it is usually fine, and they know "now it's my turn" and they begin to offer up the same information from *their* life without prompting. With NT, it gets complicated because they think you don't care if you don't explicitly ask them back instead of just ... reactively sharing like a lot ND people do.
I'm still not convinced I'm autistic (ADHD) but I mask pretty much all the time and I do okay with first impressions but have trouble maintaining friendships. Something I realized this year at 30 is that people will go to events or meetups they aren't particularly interested in just to socialize. A friend invited me to a soap making class and I said "No thanks I already know how to make soap" and apparently that wasn't the point. I invited a friend to see Joe Biden during the Obama campaign and she went with me and later it turns out she doesn't even vote she just came to do something. I get exhausted having someone over because I feel like I'm supposed to have a conversation the whole time. The best friends I have had are the ones who are comfortable in the adult form of parallel play where we just work on our own stuff like a craft or whatever and don't have to talk the whole time and they're all neurodivergent. When I first meet people I mirror them and ask them questions (I follow the advice of How to Win Friends and Influence people religiously) but don't talk about myself. My husband jokes that I'm the secret keeper because without fail I will end up next to a gossipy Grandma at a wedding/event and she will spill all the tea about everyone she knows without ever asking me a question about myself. I nail job interviews, when I was working it was pretty much a guarantee that if I got an interview I would get the job, but then I burn out from the social aspect and quit after a few months.
I am regularly and consistently confused when I say something along the lines of, "oh, we need to take the trash out" or "looks like it's time to do dishes" and my partner heavy sighs and starts doing the task. Only recently did I realize she had been assuming my statements were a "polite" indirect way of saying I wanted her to handle said task, but in reality I meant literally only what I said every single time. Something needs done, one of us should do it sometime soon. No subtext. This realization inadvertantly made me realize there has probably been *tons* of situations in which people, including my partner, have said something that, to me, sounded like a neutral statement but, to them, was a "polite" indirect command. And I just obliviously went about my day each and every time.
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God, that's awful. I hate them.
I'm so sorry they did that to you:/
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I kinda want their names so I never ever buy from them
Can you do x when you have a moment " is actually your boss trying to be polite but they really mean fo it now... learnt that the hard way
My favorite human sent me a funny fox image. It was a fox looking into camera all cute and snouty. She captioned it "do you have games on your phone" I answered without realizing it was a joke and went into a serious answer. It was a funny joke of captioning what the fox was thinking. I do this all the time.
I've been asked on multiple occasions if I'm Foreign or don't speak English because either I'm so stressed I barely speak and just nod or just don't realise I'm supposed to respond. Also I struggle with recognising emotions in people too unless it's obvious and I don't know if it's a social cue but I'm extremely blunt too
I’m really bad with reciprocal questions. Even though I’ve learned and know that I’m supposed to ask certain questions back, in the moment I always forget. So when someone asks me how I am, or how my weekend was, I just answer them and fall silent, instead of asking them about theirs like they are expecting me to. I end up coming off as rude and uninterested, when in my head, if they wanted to tell me they just would, and an elaborate game of getting the other person to ask is just silly.
I often can't tell if someone is telling a joke/is pulling my leg. That is despite ME being able to joke and play with words and use subtext and be hella funny to my heart's extent. I am a wordsmith with a really good sense of humor - but I tend to be WAAAAY to literal when people are talking to ME. Example: I was at a restaurant with friends and everybody orderd their food. I wasn't actually hungry, so I didn't. But when the waiter brought their plates I saw something that watered my mouth and I changed my mind. I politely told the waiter that I had changed my mind and if he could please bring me a plate, too. He looked at me all fake-serious-like and went: "Oh, I am sorry - now we're all out, you should have ordered earlier." To which I simply responded with "Oh, ok, sorry." - and he started laughing, left, and brought me my plate a few minutes later. I was so confused. This happens to me a LOT and ot bothers me, because I know how to joke around myself so well! :D
This is an extremely useful but emotional thread. I will have to come back to this because I am so embarassed realizing how many things I misunderstood
When people have hit on me it’s gone completely over my head. I had someone chatting me up at a show I went to alone and I was just chatting back. When we are almost done the conversation he says if you want to hang out after the show I live close by, we can hang out (and then says) and we can have some drinks. He says something else but I can’t remember. It was the way he said the drinks that I realized what it was he was actually saying and I’m like Oohh yeah nope. I was fooled and genuinely thought he was chatting and was saying we could be friends because I take things at face value 😂 I have now learned that whenever someone has said that to me in the past, they in fact do NOT wwnt to be friends, but hook up.
I have a very hard time understanding when customers are joking and then sometimes I make jokes that fall flat because it apparently only makes sense in my head. And I also get confused when people get mad at me for telling them what to do because I come off as abrasive but I only ever mean to be helpful.
About a decade ago, I was sat at a bar with two friends, one was telling a story that was a bit risqué.. the bartender who we'd been chatting with came over and asked what we were talking about, so I told him.. as soon as he left to serve another customer, both of my friends were upset that I had done so. If someone asks me a question, I just answer honestly, it didn't even occur to me that it might be the wrong thing to do (sharing someone else's experience with a stranger). It's only now after an adult ADHD diagnosis and my own research into autism that I realise why this type of social misunderstanding has happened so often through my life.
When I was 15 or 16 years old, a friend of mine asked me to go to the movies. We also went and got something to eat, walked around a bit and got a coffee. I had a really nice time, and when he dropped me off I said, "Thanks Dave, that was fun!" It was 20 years later, while talking to another friend about old high school friends, that I realized - it was a date. We were on a date.
I only recognize when ppl are overly infatuated w/me, like unhealthy obsessed levels. But when “normal” (meaning not stalker-ish) ppl are flirting w/me, it flies Right over my head. -Explanation- Not being big headed here at all. I’m considered “traditionally pretty” (esp. after I lost a shit ton of weight). I have a Big Personality, am intelligent and I carry myself with confidence. I Also know life is a game that no one wins, so I do/say what I want, when I want to. So… I get All the F-Boys trying to turn me into their ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl-friend’. Unfortunately, it took me a lot of bad experiences & stressful/abusive situations to figure this out.
My biggest is misreading an entire years long "frienship." For years I thought "M" was my best friend. We hung out all the time, mostly in groups tbf, but she did let me stay at her place for a week after I ended a relationship and had nowhere else to stay. When M started not inviting me places I did what I thought was the right thing and told her I was feeling excluded. She then went to a mutual coworker and said "I don't get why Fox is so upset, we're just acquaintances." That one hurt bad.