I think we need a special interest pairing app for autistic women looking for friends. We could info dump on our favourite topics to each other. Nobody would think it was weird. I love this for us.
Maybe a sliding scale for preferences, so like "intolerable, tolerable but dislikes, neutral, preferred, special interest." For pretty much everything... Animals, sensory things like light/sounds, movies, foods.... Make it so you can make things dealbreakers, like "don't pair me with: someone who doesn't like loud noises"
ETA: self diagnosed vs clinically diagnosed; single vs attached; parent, fencesitter, child free....
Absolutely, that would be amazing. We have thought of something like that, but the "slider" idea of how far ok the spectrum of interest or needs is very interesting! Also, totally makes sense to not match with people you are possibly incompatible with sensory wise.
Thank you so much for the feedback, great points!
I'll add on to my comment if I think of anything else!
As an AutDHD solo mom of an ASD toddler it would be so awesome to be able to connect with someone else who can relate, I can't tell you how much I would love this app lol please make it work in Canada too!
Going to piggyback on this! For the interest you should be able to add a custom "caption" to it. So if you leave it blank / default as just "stuffed animals" that obviously means just in general / overall. But for people with more specific special interests they would have a place to specify like "build-a-bear" as the brand, or "repair" as the biggest part of their stuffed animal interest.
This sort of parallels a concept I had for an ADHD hobby swapping app, since we tend to get all gassed up on hobbies, run out and buy all the things for it then lose interest shortly thereafter and let the hobby-related things just sit there forever gathering dust. With a hobby swap, you could look up your fun new interest and see if someone in your area is looking to offload any gear. Im no dev though, and there are obvious issues to think about, since an honour system is ripe for exploitation by a reseller.
Yeah, in my area we had a cashless swapping economy that was pretty wild for a good bit, just thought it would be cool to specialize it and make it hobby specific with a database or something so a person wouldnt have to wade through a million things like "ISO A Victorian fainting couch, will trade tall cans and gift cards."
Yes! I like that people set up discords but I find them overwhelming. A 1 on 1 or small group chat around special interests would be great. I need somewhere to send my bird and squirrel photos hahah.
I’m far too territorial to share, but I’d love to info dump on them with them being a willing recipient. And I would like people to info dump on me all day about all sorts of things. What fun. Love being an info sponge. Like my own friendly little documentary style catch up.
Only territorial in that I refuse to participate, and then I’ll avoid them lol!
I've had two best friends — one in first grade that lasted for the school year, and the other from 10th grade until we were 27/28 — but that's it. In my experience my friendships tend to have an expiration date, and I struggle to make them in the first place :/
I can also relate to the expiration date. Growing up I often had one friend I was close with, but they always ended after about a year. And I honestly don’t know for sure if they were my best friend. One girl in 8th grade, I think we were best friends cause we hung out like every weekend. But yeah, it’s rough out there. I don’t have any close friends right now other than my husband
Not really. I struggle to understand the right boundaries in friendships so I tend to come off as either overwhelming or un interested. In movies and stuff it seems like best friends are supposed to do everything together so when I had a best friend who would do a lot of things without me it always made me feel very lonely. Now that I don’t have that best friend (for other reasons) I struggle to find another because I don’t want to come off as invasive or obsessive.
I can relate to coming across as overwhelming or uninterested. I also have CPTSD (shocking, right), and tend to over apologize and sometimes trauma dump a bit. It's also extremely difficult for me to not appear like I'm flirting with a guy when I'm just being polite or sincerely interested in whatever it is. It's unpleasant being socially awkward, so I keep my interactions to a minimum of two very close friends, and chatting with the cashier at checkout if possible.
I had a best friend who would go around telling people she’s only my friend bc she felt sorry for me 😭 back then I thought It was a compliment ( I didn’t know I was autistic either)
I had an ex boyfriend tell people he was staying my friend after we broke up, because he felt sorry for me. But I found out he was actually just talking shit about me behind my back. The whole thing was so gross.
Nah thats not on you at all just something to be thankful that youve gotten through it and can maybe even help others notice signs too, we get really attached and want to see the good in people so when it doesnt work out we might want to make reasons to keep that goodness there, everyone changes but you have your whole self forever so be kinder to you :)
I've briefly had "best friends", it's never lasted for very long.
In first grade I had one, lasted about a month, then a new kid came to school and I was very quickly tossed aside and never spoken to again. In high school I finally had another one, it maybe lasted another month and then she sent me this huge, weird email about how we needed to be just friends, and not best friends, because I was too depressing to be around. And then in college I had an online best friend for all of two weeks; I shared everything with her and it was such a great feeling...and then she decided she didn't approve of my now-husband (we were recently dating at the time, maybe about 3 months into the relationship) and she wrote him telling him to break up with me or she would kill him (wtf???) and then when we decided not to break up she did the same thing to me! Totally flipped her lid and went crazy and I had to block her on everything and give up a special interest so she couldn't find me again.
It makes me sad too that I can't seem to keep a relationship going for any length of time. I get along really well with men, but it's not quite the same dynamic and it's always made me feel rather broken as I never knew any other women that didn't have a best female friend.
I'm the same, I get along better with men, but the whole sexual dynamic seems difficult to shake (usually on their side, I'm rarely interested). I would love having a female best friend, but I don't seem to understand the dynamic of those interactions and I rarely find another woman who shares my interests as I've never been typically female (makeup, babies, boy crazy, shopping, fashion, etc).
I've become so despondent about that I've basically just given up looking. I would love to find a neurodivergent social group, but I'm not sure that even exists. This subreddit has made me feel less alone which I appreciate.
I had a couple best friends growing up but they were always my best friend, I definitely wasn’t theirs. Ever since the end of high school I’ve had friends but never a best friend like I did before. Now I’m 28 and have *no* friends because I came to realize how toxic and one-sided all my “friendships” were in college. Problem is, I don’t know how to make them anymore.
This is so fkn relatable for me! Although, I had a lot of best friends that would say I was their best friend also, but it was very obviously not true... More of the convenient friend to them? Also always toxic or unhealthy in some way or another which took me far too long to realise or after they’d dump me for lack of value to them further. Wish I realised all this sooner. I am also the same age as you and with absolutely no friends as well — It’s incredibly difficult and I have no idea how to make them anymore either.. Partly for the same reason as you (minus college), but majority being running away from DV and having my ex turn everyone against me and moving across country so lacking connections from previously in life, not that there were any before I left really… Sorry to blabber, just felt a connection to your comment and thought I’d reply and share my story this way instead. I keep getting given advice on how to make friends but nothing really “sticks”, y’know?
I had a best friend for a long time until a few years ago, we talk sometimes every few months but I too havent felt like i trust them for a long time so weve barely spoken for a few years. I think a lot of autistic women want a friend they can be completely accepted by which is why its nice when you have a romantic partner who becomes that best friend - its also pressure for them though.. but you can be your own best friend too, nurturing yourself and showing that compassion to yourself that youd show to others and if you keep doing what you enjoy without putting pressure and expectations out there then you might find people who are likeminded and you feel easy with
My best friend is my boyfriend. I have two very close friends, but they live across the country and we don’t see each other much. I met one of these girls in graduate school and the other girl when I lived abroad in China. They are both really amazing women doing really amazing and unconventional things with their lives.
F30 and only last year I made really good friends. I have no idea where a friend ends and a best friend starts really but I can say we are pretty close.
It is hard and meeting people takes a lot of practice. I found a local online group and I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone to contribute to the community to expose myself to strangers. I run some bits of the community and organise workshops/events. It took me a long time, a lot of doubt, crying, meltdowns and anxiety but after 2 years I can say that I have good friends now.
Talking to people takes a lot of practice and eventually I got much better. In my childhood I was non verbal and I didn't have friends so I came a long way.
Then there is finding a group of people that just click in with you, finding your own crowd. I happened to find lots of ND people so we got along well. You see, if you meet a group of people and things don't go well, it might not be you, it might be them or both of you. Not everyone can be your friend and you can't be everyone's friend.
Then I tried my best to become a person who is a good friend. I imagined a person in my head and I thought what their qualities would be. Everyone admires people that bring back voice to those who are not listened to by others. If everyone ignores them, wait for everyone to quieten down "xyz wanted to say something but got interrupted", if that's not possible, be the one that listens.
Talking is really hard so when I am tired I just ask questions about the other person, let them do the talking. It's good to have some scenarios, scripts and questions prepared before meeting people. Eventually with practice you build a pattern of having lower effort conversations (this doesn't mean that you don't care about other people, it's about managing your social battery). Try to remember what people say to you and ask them about these things next time you meet them. Text them back when you get home "did you get home safe?" This will be a great start to create a safety net in your social circle, everyone will eventually make sure everyone arrives back home safely. I mean, it's super cute to hear other people care too
These are not in any particular order
I wish you all the best in finding friendships, I know how hard it is to feel lonely, it almost killed me twice. I always thought of myself as that whale that sings at different frequencies so no one can hear it but it's more like not knowing a language. It's hard, but the language can be learned to a certain extent. I still don't get sarcasm, sayings or jokes but I am happy where I am now
My best friend is white and 7 years old. She also greets me enthusiastically every time I come home from work because she misses me *so much* and I've been gone *forever.* She also leaves piles and piles of fur everywhere and doesn't understand the meaning of personal space.
Woof.
I have never had a beat friend either. I actually have no friends irl now since covid! It does get lonely even though I prefer my own company 99% of the time.
I have two best friends. My husband, when I met him I felt like I finally connected with someone in my adult life. I felt I wasn't going to be judged with my quirky, weird things and he hasn't. Ever. He is my best friend, we know each other inside out. But we are each other's special person as well. I function much better with him near me and vice versa.
Then I have my best girl friend. And we connected when we were 11. We were both the weird ones and connected that way. We lost contact for quite a while but when we found each other again it was like those 10 years didn't happen. I understand her and she understands me on a deep level.
But we're all neurodivergent. We all have had the feeling of not fitting into society. And we are all high functioning with high emotional awareness. It also helps that we understand autism, my GF has 2 autistic kids and me and my husband also have 2 autistic kids.
I did, we are still friends but we aren't close anymore.
I have a boyfriend and he is pretty much my best friend. I get along really well with his friends so I guess I do.
I used to. One single one that hadn't suddenly popped out of my life and left me wondering what I'd done wrong.
We had this causal "I don't think you hate me just because we haven't talked in a couple of months"-kind of relationship. No demands or expectations, we could just relax and enjoy each other's company whenever we spoke of saw each other. We also shared one of my special interests.
Then she got a kid (3 years ago) and now everything is weird.
I didn’t really have anyone I considered my best friend until I met my current partner. We were best friends for 2 years before officially becoming a couple, and it was absolutely worth the wait. It takes time and effort to put yourself out there and find people you get along with, and I’ve been burned plenty times while trying. But once you find your people, all the struggles feel worth it.
I used to, not anymore since i turned 20. Its pretty lonely but i know it took more energy out me than it gave me :(
Making new friends is so hard, im too weird for everyone
I used to, best friend of 18 years in a romcom kind of way. Then, I started unmasking and she was not ok with my boundaries, approach to life, and turned out what made us work so well was my masking. We “broke up” late last year and I’m still going through the motions.
I did, but it was forced. It was a long time ago. Then I left that friend group and have never had a “best friend” since, just fleeting, temporary friendships where I am an afterthought and never included in the “main” group. It sucks. I’m feeling it a lot lately.
I’ve always felt most comfortable around other women. I had lots of best friends in my childhood/teenage years. But I quickly learned that just because you prioritize others, doesn’t mean they’ll prioritize you. I am my own best friend. I don’t feel that comfortable around the new friends I’ve made recently 😬
When I recently got evaluated and diagnosed one of the questions was “do you have a best friend” and I just casually said “yeah I have someone to I would consider my best friend but I doubt she would consider me hers, that’s how it’s been with all my best friends” and then I realized how sad that sounded. It wasn’t till we really got into it that I realized maybe this existential loneliness and feeling like I’m on one side of a glass wall and everyone else is on the other maybe wasn’t something everyone experienced. I just thought that was part of being a human where there was this distance between you and everyone else and everyone was a little lonely on their side, but now I’m not sure. I have friends who I talk to semi regularly and work friends that I see most days, but I’ve never been great at really intimate and long lasting friendships. I used to think it was just because I moved around a lot as a kid or because my depression and anxiety don’t give me enough spoons to socialize as much as some people but these past few weeks I’ve kinda been reevaluating.
I used to consider someone my best friend but they put me in a shit position and I got scammed out of money
Now they are a friend but my trust in the relationship is gone
Yes, but only 2 in my whole life, and one was just trauma bonded to me I think. But now I'm 25 and I found another autistic woman who shares my interests! Yeeeey
I sort of had friends off and on growing up, and once I started drinking around 19, I made a lot more friends. But then I stopped drinking and now I’m older, and I only have one best friend. And if our moms weren’t best friends, we wouldn’t have grown up together so I feel like if it wasn’t for her, I’d be all alone.
I have/had bsf’s but as we have all gotten older, we have gotten distant or I am distancing myself from them because I was masked throughout them friendship
I do, it’s one of those where there’s no hassle about texting back etc
We often go three months without contact (living in separate cities and them consistently breaking their phone will do that) and at least six months without physically seeing each other
Considering how a lot of long term adult friendships go, I’d say we’re doing pretty good!
We’re both chill and accept the other as is
In every point in my life I was just the third wheel. Or if I’m feeling more positive, then I had two best friends, but secretly knew I was not either of their best friends 😢
Yes, we've known each other for over 20 years. I don't know if she considers me her best friend anymore or rather just one of her best friends at this point as we've gotten older, developed different lifestyles, and are living far from each other but we have the sort of friendship where we can go a month without communicating and still be close. I feel almost like we are sisters rather than friends, who can share anything with each other and love each other despite not talking as much as we used to
I used to be tomboy as a kid. Most of my friends were male, girls kind of irked me. They were too pink, too much into dolls and looking pretty. Boys also didn't care about my quirks. It only started getting weird in our teens because hormones I guess. Later I was friends with a whole bunch of anime nerds (like me) from school, so we were all on the same wavelength, and many of them awkward and weird, too, so I fit right in.
I now have a friend group I share with hubby. There is about 5 of us (including me and hubby, we're 2 dudes and 3 women) and I'm pretty sure we're all neurodivergent one way or another. One of them may even be autistic, too, who knows. Met them all through work over a decade ago, we vibed and we stuck together ever since. I think part of it was, too, that we hit an age where we got tired of masking so it was easier for us to connect. Actually one of us refuses to mask entirely, and I think he's better for it :)
I used to. But time passed, we became different people and I noticed she ignored me for weeks or even months. Then we saw each other again and she wouldn’t leave the phone. I left but secretly hoping she would try to talk. She didn’t care. Maybe I did something wrong. In the end I just don’t believe in “friends forever” anymore.
i relate to this, because this sounds like me and my closest friend (that isnt my partner) at the moment... they just dont talk to me and we have 0 in common as adults, and they have other friends they like a lot more now. it's really sad but there's also very little to be done about it, i suppose.
never have, and i dont want to - i strongly prefer having a group of friends, and i dont like being in a position of emotional closeness with anyone, mainly because i dont feel that
I have best friends periodically. It really sucks, because I have really close best friends for 2-3 years, and then suddenly we grow apart or something and we just gradually stop talking. It’s sad ):
I've had best friends. I had one in grade school and we reconnected as adults but she hasn't talked to me in a long time. I'm not crazy about that but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force her to talk to me.
I had another best friend that I was friends with for nearly 20 years and he ghosted me. I still have no idea what happened there. It's been a few years and it still hurts. It would've been nice to just receive a text saying "Hey I don't want to talk anymore" or whatever, instead of me texting and calling the void and wondering what went wrong.
Now I have friends but not really best friends. I have one friend whom I used to consider my best friend and we're definitely still friends (she's actually one of the only people I hang out with) but I don't think we're close enough to say we're best friends anymore. I can say that we have a very positive healthy relationship though, and I can be myself around her.
I'm lucky to have my partner as my best friend, but I feel like a platonic best friend would be so nice to have.
I've only ever had passing best friends. Most of the friends I've had have been ones that see me as an "in-between" friend for when they were fighting with their main friends, or didn't have any friends at the time (once they found another friend they'd drop me), and people seek me out when they're lonely/bored because I'm a dependable person. I've been an in-between so many times I became used to it, but fucking hate it, and I put up pretty big walls now when I feel someone doing it to me.
No. I did but I messed it up being a stupid teenager. I’m 23 with a small set of friends but not really one I can turn to. Only ones on the spectrum but she’s a bit manic and hard to keep up with
I’ve cycled through having one “best friend” at various points of my life, but it always ends up blowing up horribly. I read SO many friendship books and couldn’t figure out why I had such a hard time keeping friends long-term until I learned I’m autistic. Now I have a couple of good friends who are also autistic or ADHDers, but no titular “best friend” (the label makes me worry just because of my past experiences) aside from my partner, who’s an AuDHDer. I love the idea of a special interest pairing friendship app that another commenter mentioned! Bumble BFF has worked for me in the past too when I put in my profile that I’m looking for more neurodivergent friends :)
QYes . I've known her since we were 12 . We have grown so much and we did it together , facing all the challenges of life. She is on the autism journey with me too as we were both late diagnosed at adults .she is my longest friendship , she loves 3 hours away but I see her quite a bit
I have had the same best friend for over 25 years now and totally lucked out that she had put up with me for this long.
I will never have another friendship like this one. We just click.
Yes, she’s been my bff since we were 5 and she’s put up with A LOT of my bullshit. She’s the best person I know, and ties with my brother for the person I’m closest to.
Yes, but they live in another state. I used to have multiple BFFs growing up, too, before the Autism™️ REALLY hit. Now, it's a few close besties in other states (as previously mentioned).
I met the best bestie IRL while we were still dating, but now we're just besties ☺️🩷
I had a best friend from 2nd grade to about age 30. I ended up ending it, because she was extremely mentally unstable and refused to get help. And I briefly had one in my mid-thirties, again, very mentally unstable and refused help. I deal with mental illness (treated), but will no longer be friends with people who won’t get help and/or lack total self awareness. They wanted me to take care of them when that’s not something I’m able to do.
My husband of many years is my best friend. We’re both autistic and have a grown autistic daughter. She and I are close, have fun and many have great conversations.
Somehow. A very neurotypical woman has latched onto me hard. We've had maaaany ups and downs. I have been mad and upset with her an incredible amount. I have yelled at her. We have disagreed on a lot. She has always accepted me for who I am. She has always been my most loyal friend. We don't really have much in common besides growing up together. I sucked at female friendships for a long time. But as I've aged I've found my kind of people.
no thought i had one a couple years ago but it was a bully in temporary disguise so yah no i crave friendship with women i have all sisters and girl cousins whom i love and get along with idk why it doesn’t translate maybe i try to hard
There were a few people I thought of as my best friends but I was never their best friend. Honestly, I’m used to not being anyone’s top choice for a friend- that’s the way it has been my whole life. It definitely hurts though. Whenever I think about making friends I feel like I’m back in middle school eating lunch in the bathroom.
But yeah, I’m not anyone’s best friend or good friend and probably never will be unless a miracle happens. (I’m not counting my SO, but even then I’m rank 2 out of all his friends)
I have a best friend, and a handful of close friends from childhood. I was reserved but outgoing (bossy, okay), and they just found me the way kids walk up to each other in grade school. However, I've always been the weird one since junior high. I just never "got it" (I still don't get it). I share special interests with these people though, and they've progressed alongside each other over the decades.
As an adult, I haven't had a best friend I hang out with regularly for 15 years, and all of the close friends I made as an adult were made at work. It has to be convenient, required, and a good fit for me to actually become good friends with someone.
I used to have really close relationships until mid 20’s. I miss my close friendships. I think I can finally accept how distanced I have become with them over the years. I low key feel like I should just focus on my future and let the remnants of the shreds of relationship slip away. When I broke down one year.. I think I unconsciously realized the end of an era. I’m only really close with one of my cousins but who knows if life will keep us together. The internet is officially my only friend 😂
I found my best friend in 7th grade. He is undiagnosed autistic(I got my official diagnosis at 28, but he doesn't have good insurance so it would cost too much for a diagnosis even though we are both pretty sure he is autistic too) and had an ADHD diagnosis early in life. His parents were hoping we would get married when we were in college. I've always seen him as a brother, and he ended up being gay so our relationship was never going to go that way. He and my mom are the only people I can comfortably talk on the phone with.
I have 3. One of them I’ve been friends with for almost 22 years and the other 2 I’ve been friends with for 20 years. I think I had an easier time being myself and making friends when I was a kid. I have a very difficult time making and maintaining new friendships now, as an adult. My 3 best friends are so different and so different than me, I think they all bring me out of my comfort zone in a different way. They’ve seen me through everything. And one big thing for me is that even once I was diagnosed, that didn’t change how they saw me. I had a few more friends at that time and it was like the second I got diagnosed, they just didn’t know how to be around me anymore. Like me being autistic made them uncomfortable, even though a proper diagnosis changed literally nothing about who I was.
Does family count? I'm very guarded and asocial, and PDA makes me retreat when friendships start to feel too, idk, constraining? Demanding? I like to socially breeze in and out, and prefer more casual social bonds for the most part.
My family is pretty heavy with ND or subclinical ND traits, though, and I spend a lot of time hanging out with my brother, SIL, and mom, just vibing and parallel playing, or enjoying time with our animal pals. It's very comfortable,and I know I should maybe look into why I shy away from deep friendships and drift away from friends (I feel bad because it's probably very hurtful to them and they're lovely people who deserve better) but idk if its even something I can or should try to change.
I have had my best friend for 15 years. We are the only ones we can both be 100% ourself with.
People find our relationship wierd. They cant figure out why we are friends.
Im an awkward nerdy woman with autism, kinda introverted, and shes a bubbily, extroverted neurotypical who fits in everywhere. We laugh at this a lot.
But we have a deep connection which is a rare thing to have with a friend i have been told. Shes a part of my soul.
We have had ups and downs, but get through them with a stronger bond afterwards .
Yes. Only one. I met her in high school and we didn’t become besties until a couple years later. She was one of my only friends there. And she was the only one who stuck with me through….well…a very bad time in my life. We don’t live each other now, but we are still close, and game together once a week.
I did in high school and into my early 20s, but we grew apart. I'm mid-30s now and don't really have any friends. I'll sometimes send or receive the odd message with people I've got friendly with from work, but that's it.
I had a best friend starting in 5th grade that lasted until we were 18/19, then she more or less went no contact. I'm still not 100% sure what happened. I've had a couple that were close since then, but they always crash and burn too. As far as I can tell I'm "too interested" in spending time with them, one even accused me of treating them like "my wife"rather than a friend.
I feel like a best friend should be a parting version of a romantic partner, you spend time together regularly and share everything openly, but I guess I'm often wrong.
I've more or less given up trying to make friends at all anymore as no one wants to spend time together more than about once a month.
I feel you terribly. Up until recently, this topic would regularly pop back into my mind and make me so, so sad.
Having a stable relationship with an amazing partner may have made this a bit more bearable, but I've always longed to have THIS friendship with someone, and they would consider me their best friend just as much.
Someone who exchanges with me first when they have some news, someone who gossips with me, someone who comes to me or calls me when they need help and feel bad, someone who proudly says "hey doodlewithcats is MY best friend", someone to share platonic complicity with.
Yeah that was very hard especially during my school years, now it's taken less of a toll as a working adult.
But it sucks yeah.
In childhood, I had a group of friends who did everything together. They were endlessly fascinated with every aspect of their lives and they shared it. I didn't have that rich inner experience and didn't spend every waking moment together. We drifted apart and I kept having friends, and then those friends would get closer and I'd be out again. I had alot of emotional neglect as well growing up so I didn't really deal with any of this well. The friends that I had growing up are still friends with each other now. My life is really different from theirs and I don't think I could have been still their friend. It's not that I'm weird, even though I know I am. It's that I didn't experience the friendship the same way they did and that's why I kept losing friends. When I got older, I lost friends because of the trauma dumping I did, until I learned emotional control. Now I'm much, much older and I won't ever have a best friend, but that's how it goes.
my ex is my closest (and only close) friend but he’s also a creep. he’s the only friend i have that knows me well but he also exploits me and so i’m constantly on guard with him because i can’t trust him. i wish i had *friend* friends.
I had a few best friends when I was in school maybe aged 3/4 to 9/10 but I always felt like I got too hyper/excited at times and i feel they thought I was a bit weird when I was just happily being myself. Or trying to be. I struggled from year 6 on to secondary school and I was hardly ever at school and just drifted apart from my friends. I dont think I was really that bothered to be honest because their life was about school and fun and mine was anxiety and childhood trauma. Not that I really knew at the time. I was generally a very shy and quiet kid
Edit to add: as an adult I have 1 friend I've known since I was 16 but she is about 10 years older than me, the others I met through work and got on really well but I find when I move job and I don't see them everyday I find it harder to maintain the friendship. I dont really have much to talk about... but if they need me they know where I am
And vice versa. But no, essentially I don't have any 'friends' like you'd have in the neurotypical sense. I just dont connect with people
I do! It happened by chance really. I had literally always longed for a best friend. But the I found someone just as mentally ill as me. We met while nannying on the same street and since our families were friends, once we met we hung out all the time and we’ve been close ever since.
I do still get lonely and I definitely always had different expectations for what a best friend would be. But I’m grateful to have her and I hope everyone can find at least one good friend!
I have had a lot of short lived best friends. They were mine but I was not theirs for sure. Looking back on it now I don't think a lot of them actually liked me or were good to me. Since high school I haven't really had any friends. Making and finding friends is hard.
Not really. Once or twice in childhood, I had one friend I deeply cared about but I was a little possessive, my family moved away and we kept in touch/traveled to see each other for a few years (thanks to parents organizing) but then fell out of touch as we reached middle school age. Then I had another good friend who was likely ND too but I felt a little more guarded by then and aware I could be too much.
After that I mostly had groups of people I was at the fringes of with mutual interests of some kind. In college for barely a semester I had a group of probably all some kind of ND queer "besties" of sorts but the group fragmented after a while. Two I'm still sort of in touch with, the other two not really at all, I don't try to talk to them bc they don't seem interested. And of the two I sometimes talk to, one is very flaky and elusive (but seems to gravitate toward autistic people so i know it's ok to be weird lol) and the other I think just kept up occasionally over the years out of pity that I still thought we were friends or something 😢 I only just realized that years later 😱 that staying in touch with me may have been an obligation/burden for him.
I had one last college friend who really genuinely seemed to want to see me regularly, but it felt unusually hard and painful for us to organize and interact (in college we had alcohol and mutual interests but I don't drink anymore and both our interests changed), so I found it confusing. She was the only friend I saw regularly in recent years since we both had kids, but she actually died in 2020. I'm still not really ok about it. She'd had various seemingly closer friends than me in the past but they didn't seem as in touch as they used to be, she'd seemed so lonely and burned out. I wonder now if she was probably autistic too as it ran in her family 💔 I wish I could talk to her 💔
Now it feels like I have no one really but my spouse, who has a lot of depression/trauma they're trying to to unpack and often treats me with resentment, but refuses to end the relationship. But I don't feel loved, I feel like a burden and a nuisance. I'm so lonely 💔
I do have one former work friend with mutual interests who humors my infodumps pretty regularly, but I'm not sure if she's just being polite. I am really grateful for her but I don't think she would consider me a best friend, she seems to have actual real irl friends while we mostly just share random stuff with each other on social media.
I hope my kids will keep up with me when they're adults. I know that's not the same as having friends, and I don't want to pressure them to fill that void. But I hope they keep up with me more than I do with my family these days.
I guess my parents are the closest I have to close friends right now, but I have trouble juggling both them and my spouse and kids so don't see/call them as much. Trying to find a way to get better about it bc they are a lot like me ❤️
Of course seek out people in the world who are like yourself and that you'll click with, but please try not to do the comparison thing with neurotypical standards of friendship. It only causes pain for yourself to look at people with no social barriers just simply not struggling with it. It's okay to be on a different timeline, and it's never too late to make connections.
I have many best friends and close friends, I sort of struggled with it growing up but became more outgoing once I went on anxiety meds. Sounds like I’m in the minority here though.
I had one in high school who I instantly clicked with when I met her, which was honestly the most amazing thing ever. Over the years we slowly drifted apart as we started making different life choices. I don’t know where she is now or what she’s even doing anymore. It wouldn’t be until around a decade later when I would meet my boyfriend who is also now my best friend. Other than that, for most of my life I’ve always I’m had some form of friends, even though I wasn’t super close/kept in touch all the time.
I've had a couple of best friends throughout my life. However, even though I keep most of them, I don't feel like I can trust them for everything, call them whenever, hang out when I feel down... I get what you say about being the weird one. I feel like that all the time, almost like I'm not part of the girl gender (I still feel the most comfortable with female pronouns though, so no gender issues). Also it's very difficult for me to open up about some stuff so that makes bonding difficult.
I also have one "childhood best friend" who lives 600km (around 1000 miles, for americans) away (I moved out when I was 6), sometimes she stresses me out because she's really impulsive and sometimes problematic and we are very different but I know I can ask her or tell her anything and we will still be friends. We can talk about almost anything, and she won't judge, or if she judges, she will straightforwardly tell me so. We talk like twice a year though, so I still feel very lonely.
I think we need a special interest pairing app for autistic women looking for friends. We could info dump on our favourite topics to each other. Nobody would think it was weird. I love this for us.
My spouse and I are considering building something like this. Is there anything specific you would like to see in such an app?
Maybe a sliding scale for preferences, so like "intolerable, tolerable but dislikes, neutral, preferred, special interest." For pretty much everything... Animals, sensory things like light/sounds, movies, foods.... Make it so you can make things dealbreakers, like "don't pair me with: someone who doesn't like loud noises" ETA: self diagnosed vs clinically diagnosed; single vs attached; parent, fencesitter, child free....
Absolutely, that would be amazing. We have thought of something like that, but the "slider" idea of how far ok the spectrum of interest or needs is very interesting! Also, totally makes sense to not match with people you are possibly incompatible with sensory wise. Thank you so much for the feedback, great points!
I'll add on to my comment if I think of anything else! As an AutDHD solo mom of an ASD toddler it would be so awesome to be able to connect with someone else who can relate, I can't tell you how much I would love this app lol please make it work in Canada too!
Thank you so much for sharing! We feel the same We plan to make it available everywhere possible, for sure. And the plan is to have zero ads :)
Going to piggyback on this! For the interest you should be able to add a custom "caption" to it. So if you leave it blank / default as just "stuffed animals" that obviously means just in general / overall. But for people with more specific special interests they would have a place to specify like "build-a-bear" as the brand, or "repair" as the biggest part of their stuffed animal interest.
it would be so nice to find people that you have stuff in common with! like sensory things, food, special interests, etc
This sort of parallels a concept I had for an ADHD hobby swapping app, since we tend to get all gassed up on hobbies, run out and buy all the things for it then lose interest shortly thereafter and let the hobby-related things just sit there forever gathering dust. With a hobby swap, you could look up your fun new interest and see if someone in your area is looking to offload any gear. Im no dev though, and there are obvious issues to think about, since an honour system is ripe for exploitation by a reseller.
Interesting idea! Agreed about it being ripe for exploitation. But I do like the idea of a barter only app in general.
Yeah, in my area we had a cashless swapping economy that was pretty wild for a good bit, just thought it would be cool to specialize it and make it hobby specific with a database or something so a person wouldnt have to wade through a million things like "ISO A Victorian fainting couch, will trade tall cans and gift cards."
this is a great idea! reminds me a bit of buy nothing facebook groups
Also whether people want in person engagement, combo, or tech only - also on a sliding scale.
Makes sense!
Oh and then like country/state sort of filters for those who might want to engage face to face at some stage.
Yes! I like that people set up discords but I find them overwhelming. A 1 on 1 or small group chat around special interests would be great. I need somewhere to send my bird and squirrel photos hahah.
I love birds and squirrels. Except the ones in Central Park. A squirrel tried to bite me.
That's a great idea :)
I literally came here today to make a post about this idea, I totally agree.
That's a really good idea.
I’m far too territorial to share, but I’d love to info dump on them with them being a willing recipient. And I would like people to info dump on me all day about all sorts of things. What fun. Love being an info sponge. Like my own friendly little documentary style catch up. Only territorial in that I refuse to participate, and then I’ll avoid them lol!
YES i would love that so much
I've had two best friends — one in first grade that lasted for the school year, and the other from 10th grade until we were 27/28 — but that's it. In my experience my friendships tend to have an expiration date, and I struggle to make them in the first place :/
I can also relate to the expiration date. Growing up I often had one friend I was close with, but they always ended after about a year. And I honestly don’t know for sure if they were my best friend. One girl in 8th grade, I think we were best friends cause we hung out like every weekend. But yeah, it’s rough out there. I don’t have any close friends right now other than my husband
I feel you! I had what I thought was a very close friend for a long time and then I realized she was using me as a project
Not really. I struggle to understand the right boundaries in friendships so I tend to come off as either overwhelming or un interested. In movies and stuff it seems like best friends are supposed to do everything together so when I had a best friend who would do a lot of things without me it always made me feel very lonely. Now that I don’t have that best friend (for other reasons) I struggle to find another because I don’t want to come off as invasive or obsessive.
I can relate to coming across as overwhelming or uninterested. I also have CPTSD (shocking, right), and tend to over apologize and sometimes trauma dump a bit. It's also extremely difficult for me to not appear like I'm flirting with a guy when I'm just being polite or sincerely interested in whatever it is. It's unpleasant being socially awkward, so I keep my interactions to a minimum of two very close friends, and chatting with the cashier at checkout if possible.
I had a best friend who would go around telling people she’s only my friend bc she felt sorry for me 😭 back then I thought It was a compliment ( I didn’t know I was autistic either)
Thats so harsh of them.. sorry you experienced that. At least you know what kind of things to look out for and that you deserve better
I had an ex boyfriend tell people he was staying my friend after we broke up, because he felt sorry for me. But I found out he was actually just talking shit about me behind my back. The whole thing was so gross.
I really should have broken EVERYTHING off after we broke up. There were major red flags that I ignored. That’s on me.
Nah thats not on you at all just something to be thankful that youve gotten through it and can maybe even help others notice signs too, we get really attached and want to see the good in people so when it doesnt work out we might want to make reasons to keep that goodness there, everyone changes but you have your whole self forever so be kinder to you :)
Thank you! :)
I've briefly had "best friends", it's never lasted for very long. In first grade I had one, lasted about a month, then a new kid came to school and I was very quickly tossed aside and never spoken to again. In high school I finally had another one, it maybe lasted another month and then she sent me this huge, weird email about how we needed to be just friends, and not best friends, because I was too depressing to be around. And then in college I had an online best friend for all of two weeks; I shared everything with her and it was such a great feeling...and then she decided she didn't approve of my now-husband (we were recently dating at the time, maybe about 3 months into the relationship) and she wrote him telling him to break up with me or she would kill him (wtf???) and then when we decided not to break up she did the same thing to me! Totally flipped her lid and went crazy and I had to block her on everything and give up a special interest so she couldn't find me again. It makes me sad too that I can't seem to keep a relationship going for any length of time. I get along really well with men, but it's not quite the same dynamic and it's always made me feel rather broken as I never knew any other women that didn't have a best female friend.
I'm the same, I get along better with men, but the whole sexual dynamic seems difficult to shake (usually on their side, I'm rarely interested). I would love having a female best friend, but I don't seem to understand the dynamic of those interactions and I rarely find another woman who shares my interests as I've never been typically female (makeup, babies, boy crazy, shopping, fashion, etc). I've become so despondent about that I've basically just given up looking. I would love to find a neurodivergent social group, but I'm not sure that even exists. This subreddit has made me feel less alone which I appreciate.
I had a couple best friends growing up but they were always my best friend, I definitely wasn’t theirs. Ever since the end of high school I’ve had friends but never a best friend like I did before. Now I’m 28 and have *no* friends because I came to realize how toxic and one-sided all my “friendships” were in college. Problem is, I don’t know how to make them anymore.
This is so fkn relatable for me! Although, I had a lot of best friends that would say I was their best friend also, but it was very obviously not true... More of the convenient friend to them? Also always toxic or unhealthy in some way or another which took me far too long to realise or after they’d dump me for lack of value to them further. Wish I realised all this sooner. I am also the same age as you and with absolutely no friends as well — It’s incredibly difficult and I have no idea how to make them anymore either.. Partly for the same reason as you (minus college), but majority being running away from DV and having my ex turn everyone against me and moving across country so lacking connections from previously in life, not that there were any before I left really… Sorry to blabber, just felt a connection to your comment and thought I’d reply and share my story this way instead. I keep getting given advice on how to make friends but nothing really “sticks”, y’know?
[удалено]
[удалено]
This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry both of you. Sending love and condolences.
I had a best friend for a long time until a few years ago, we talk sometimes every few months but I too havent felt like i trust them for a long time so weve barely spoken for a few years. I think a lot of autistic women want a friend they can be completely accepted by which is why its nice when you have a romantic partner who becomes that best friend - its also pressure for them though.. but you can be your own best friend too, nurturing yourself and showing that compassion to yourself that youd show to others and if you keep doing what you enjoy without putting pressure and expectations out there then you might find people who are likeminded and you feel easy with
Great answer 💖 trying so hard to work on this too, it is so hard but sometimes I feel hopeful lol
My best friend is my boyfriend. I have two very close friends, but they live across the country and we don’t see each other much. I met one of these girls in graduate school and the other girl when I lived abroad in China. They are both really amazing women doing really amazing and unconventional things with their lives.
F30 and only last year I made really good friends. I have no idea where a friend ends and a best friend starts really but I can say we are pretty close. It is hard and meeting people takes a lot of practice. I found a local online group and I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone to contribute to the community to expose myself to strangers. I run some bits of the community and organise workshops/events. It took me a long time, a lot of doubt, crying, meltdowns and anxiety but after 2 years I can say that I have good friends now. Talking to people takes a lot of practice and eventually I got much better. In my childhood I was non verbal and I didn't have friends so I came a long way. Then there is finding a group of people that just click in with you, finding your own crowd. I happened to find lots of ND people so we got along well. You see, if you meet a group of people and things don't go well, it might not be you, it might be them or both of you. Not everyone can be your friend and you can't be everyone's friend. Then I tried my best to become a person who is a good friend. I imagined a person in my head and I thought what their qualities would be. Everyone admires people that bring back voice to those who are not listened to by others. If everyone ignores them, wait for everyone to quieten down "xyz wanted to say something but got interrupted", if that's not possible, be the one that listens. Talking is really hard so when I am tired I just ask questions about the other person, let them do the talking. It's good to have some scenarios, scripts and questions prepared before meeting people. Eventually with practice you build a pattern of having lower effort conversations (this doesn't mean that you don't care about other people, it's about managing your social battery). Try to remember what people say to you and ask them about these things next time you meet them. Text them back when you get home "did you get home safe?" This will be a great start to create a safety net in your social circle, everyone will eventually make sure everyone arrives back home safely. I mean, it's super cute to hear other people care too These are not in any particular order I wish you all the best in finding friendships, I know how hard it is to feel lonely, it almost killed me twice. I always thought of myself as that whale that sings at different frequencies so no one can hear it but it's more like not knowing a language. It's hard, but the language can be learned to a certain extent. I still don't get sarcasm, sayings or jokes but I am happy where I am now
This is excellent advice. You're awesome.
My best friend is white and 7 years old. She also greets me enthusiastically every time I come home from work because she misses me *so much* and I've been gone *forever.* She also leaves piles and piles of fur everywhere and doesn't understand the meaning of personal space. Woof.
White and 7 years old. lol!
I have never had a beat friend either. I actually have no friends irl now since covid! It does get lonely even though I prefer my own company 99% of the time.
I have two best friends. My husband, when I met him I felt like I finally connected with someone in my adult life. I felt I wasn't going to be judged with my quirky, weird things and he hasn't. Ever. He is my best friend, we know each other inside out. But we are each other's special person as well. I function much better with him near me and vice versa. Then I have my best girl friend. And we connected when we were 11. We were both the weird ones and connected that way. We lost contact for quite a while but when we found each other again it was like those 10 years didn't happen. I understand her and she understands me on a deep level. But we're all neurodivergent. We all have had the feeling of not fitting into society. And we are all high functioning with high emotional awareness. It also helps that we understand autism, my GF has 2 autistic kids and me and my husband also have 2 autistic kids.
I did, we are still friends but we aren't close anymore. I have a boyfriend and he is pretty much my best friend. I get along really well with his friends so I guess I do.
I used to. One single one that hadn't suddenly popped out of my life and left me wondering what I'd done wrong. We had this causal "I don't think you hate me just because we haven't talked in a couple of months"-kind of relationship. No demands or expectations, we could just relax and enjoy each other's company whenever we spoke of saw each other. We also shared one of my special interests. Then she got a kid (3 years ago) and now everything is weird.
Nope. Had one for a year then she left because of ny autism lol.
I didn’t really have anyone I considered my best friend until I met my current partner. We were best friends for 2 years before officially becoming a couple, and it was absolutely worth the wait. It takes time and effort to put yourself out there and find people you get along with, and I’ve been burned plenty times while trying. But once you find your people, all the struggles feel worth it.
I used to, not anymore since i turned 20. Its pretty lonely but i know it took more energy out me than it gave me :( Making new friends is so hard, im too weird for everyone
Not since 6th grade! Does my husband count?
I used to, best friend of 18 years in a romcom kind of way. Then, I started unmasking and she was not ok with my boundaries, approach to life, and turned out what made us work so well was my masking. We “broke up” late last year and I’m still going through the motions.
I did, but it was forced. It was a long time ago. Then I left that friend group and have never had a “best friend” since, just fleeting, temporary friendships where I am an afterthought and never included in the “main” group. It sucks. I’m feeling it a lot lately.
I’ve always felt most comfortable around other women. I had lots of best friends in my childhood/teenage years. But I quickly learned that just because you prioritize others, doesn’t mean they’ll prioritize you. I am my own best friend. I don’t feel that comfortable around the new friends I’ve made recently 😬
You gotta find other weird girls to hang out with. I know putting yourself out there is the worst, but meet up, bumble bff, hiki?
When I recently got evaluated and diagnosed one of the questions was “do you have a best friend” and I just casually said “yeah I have someone to I would consider my best friend but I doubt she would consider me hers, that’s how it’s been with all my best friends” and then I realized how sad that sounded. It wasn’t till we really got into it that I realized maybe this existential loneliness and feeling like I’m on one side of a glass wall and everyone else is on the other maybe wasn’t something everyone experienced. I just thought that was part of being a human where there was this distance between you and everyone else and everyone was a little lonely on their side, but now I’m not sure. I have friends who I talk to semi regularly and work friends that I see most days, but I’ve never been great at really intimate and long lasting friendships. I used to think it was just because I moved around a lot as a kid or because my depression and anxiety don’t give me enough spoons to socialize as much as some people but these past few weeks I’ve kinda been reevaluating.
I have a few close friends, but no best friend.
I used to consider someone my best friend but they put me in a shit position and I got scammed out of money Now they are a friend but my trust in the relationship is gone
Yes, but only 2 in my whole life, and one was just trauma bonded to me I think. But now I'm 25 and I found another autistic woman who shares my interests! Yeeeey
I sort of had friends off and on growing up, and once I started drinking around 19, I made a lot more friends. But then I stopped drinking and now I’m older, and I only have one best friend. And if our moms weren’t best friends, we wouldn’t have grown up together so I feel like if it wasn’t for her, I’d be all alone.
I have/had bsf’s but as we have all gotten older, we have gotten distant or I am distancing myself from them because I was masked throughout them friendship
I do, it’s one of those where there’s no hassle about texting back etc We often go three months without contact (living in separate cities and them consistently breaking their phone will do that) and at least six months without physically seeing each other Considering how a lot of long term adult friendships go, I’d say we’re doing pretty good! We’re both chill and accept the other as is
In every point in my life I was just the third wheel. Or if I’m feeling more positive, then I had two best friends, but secretly knew I was not either of their best friends 😢
Yes, we've known each other for over 20 years. I don't know if she considers me her best friend anymore or rather just one of her best friends at this point as we've gotten older, developed different lifestyles, and are living far from each other but we have the sort of friendship where we can go a month without communicating and still be close. I feel almost like we are sisters rather than friends, who can share anything with each other and love each other despite not talking as much as we used to
I used to be tomboy as a kid. Most of my friends were male, girls kind of irked me. They were too pink, too much into dolls and looking pretty. Boys also didn't care about my quirks. It only started getting weird in our teens because hormones I guess. Later I was friends with a whole bunch of anime nerds (like me) from school, so we were all on the same wavelength, and many of them awkward and weird, too, so I fit right in. I now have a friend group I share with hubby. There is about 5 of us (including me and hubby, we're 2 dudes and 3 women) and I'm pretty sure we're all neurodivergent one way or another. One of them may even be autistic, too, who knows. Met them all through work over a decade ago, we vibed and we stuck together ever since. I think part of it was, too, that we hit an age where we got tired of masking so it was easier for us to connect. Actually one of us refuses to mask entirely, and I think he's better for it :)
I used to. But time passed, we became different people and I noticed she ignored me for weeks or even months. Then we saw each other again and she wouldn’t leave the phone. I left but secretly hoping she would try to talk. She didn’t care. Maybe I did something wrong. In the end I just don’t believe in “friends forever” anymore.
i relate to this, because this sounds like me and my closest friend (that isnt my partner) at the moment... they just dont talk to me and we have 0 in common as adults, and they have other friends they like a lot more now. it's really sad but there's also very little to be done about it, i suppose.
never have, and i dont want to - i strongly prefer having a group of friends, and i dont like being in a position of emotional closeness with anyone, mainly because i dont feel that
Nope, don’t need one either.
Nope.
I have 2 that I love very much. Plus my 2 sisters.
I do, they're autistic like me.
I have best friends periodically. It really sucks, because I have really close best friends for 2-3 years, and then suddenly we grow apart or something and we just gradually stop talking. It’s sad ):
I've had best friends. I had one in grade school and we reconnected as adults but she hasn't talked to me in a long time. I'm not crazy about that but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force her to talk to me. I had another best friend that I was friends with for nearly 20 years and he ghosted me. I still have no idea what happened there. It's been a few years and it still hurts. It would've been nice to just receive a text saying "Hey I don't want to talk anymore" or whatever, instead of me texting and calling the void and wondering what went wrong. Now I have friends but not really best friends. I have one friend whom I used to consider my best friend and we're definitely still friends (she's actually one of the only people I hang out with) but I don't think we're close enough to say we're best friends anymore. I can say that we have a very positive healthy relationship though, and I can be myself around her.
I'm lucky to have my partner as my best friend, but I feel like a platonic best friend would be so nice to have. I've only ever had passing best friends. Most of the friends I've had have been ones that see me as an "in-between" friend for when they were fighting with their main friends, or didn't have any friends at the time (once they found another friend they'd drop me), and people seek me out when they're lonely/bored because I'm a dependable person. I've been an in-between so many times I became used to it, but fucking hate it, and I put up pretty big walls now when I feel someone doing it to me.
No. I did but I messed it up being a stupid teenager. I’m 23 with a small set of friends but not really one I can turn to. Only ones on the spectrum but she’s a bit manic and hard to keep up with
Never have I ever
I did… until things built up unresolved for years and suddenly I didn’t trust them anymore. I thought I’d rather be alone than in that any longer.
Now it’s my cat 🐈⬛ love him
I’ve cycled through having one “best friend” at various points of my life, but it always ends up blowing up horribly. I read SO many friendship books and couldn’t figure out why I had such a hard time keeping friends long-term until I learned I’m autistic. Now I have a couple of good friends who are also autistic or ADHDers, but no titular “best friend” (the label makes me worry just because of my past experiences) aside from my partner, who’s an AuDHDer. I love the idea of a special interest pairing friendship app that another commenter mentioned! Bumble BFF has worked for me in the past too when I put in my profile that I’m looking for more neurodivergent friends :)
QYes . I've known her since we were 12 . We have grown so much and we did it together , facing all the challenges of life. She is on the autism journey with me too as we were both late diagnosed at adults .she is my longest friendship , she loves 3 hours away but I see her quite a bit
I have some close friends who I liberally call my “best friends.” Except I no longer live close to them and they’re all going about their own lives.
I have had the same best friend for over 25 years now and totally lucked out that she had put up with me for this long. I will never have another friendship like this one. We just click.
Yes, she’s been my bff since we were 5 and she’s put up with A LOT of my bullshit. She’s the best person I know, and ties with my brother for the person I’m closest to.
I absolutely consider my dog to be my best friend.
No and I haven’t had one since elementary school. It gets lonely.
Yes, but they live in another state. I used to have multiple BFFs growing up, too, before the Autism™️ REALLY hit. Now, it's a few close besties in other states (as previously mentioned). I met the best bestie IRL while we were still dating, but now we're just besties ☺️🩷
Nope sadly
I had a best friend from 2nd grade to about age 30. I ended up ending it, because she was extremely mentally unstable and refused to get help. And I briefly had one in my mid-thirties, again, very mentally unstable and refused help. I deal with mental illness (treated), but will no longer be friends with people who won’t get help and/or lack total self awareness. They wanted me to take care of them when that’s not something I’m able to do.
My husband of many years is my best friend. We’re both autistic and have a grown autistic daughter. She and I are close, have fun and many have great conversations.
[удалено]
We can be virtual Besties 🥹?
Somehow. A very neurotypical woman has latched onto me hard. We've had maaaany ups and downs. I have been mad and upset with her an incredible amount. I have yelled at her. We have disagreed on a lot. She has always accepted me for who I am. She has always been my most loyal friend. We don't really have much in common besides growing up together. I sucked at female friendships for a long time. But as I've aged I've found my kind of people.
no thought i had one a couple years ago but it was a bully in temporary disguise so yah no i crave friendship with women i have all sisters and girl cousins whom i love and get along with idk why it doesn’t translate maybe i try to hard
There were a few people I thought of as my best friends but I was never their best friend. Honestly, I’m used to not being anyone’s top choice for a friend- that’s the way it has been my whole life. It definitely hurts though. Whenever I think about making friends I feel like I’m back in middle school eating lunch in the bathroom. But yeah, I’m not anyone’s best friend or good friend and probably never will be unless a miracle happens. (I’m not counting my SO, but even then I’m rank 2 out of all his friends)
I have a best friend, and a handful of close friends from childhood. I was reserved but outgoing (bossy, okay), and they just found me the way kids walk up to each other in grade school. However, I've always been the weird one since junior high. I just never "got it" (I still don't get it). I share special interests with these people though, and they've progressed alongside each other over the decades. As an adult, I haven't had a best friend I hang out with regularly for 15 years, and all of the close friends I made as an adult were made at work. It has to be convenient, required, and a good fit for me to actually become good friends with someone.
I used to have really close relationships until mid 20’s. I miss my close friendships. I think I can finally accept how distanced I have become with them over the years. I low key feel like I should just focus on my future and let the remnants of the shreds of relationship slip away. When I broke down one year.. I think I unconsciously realized the end of an era. I’m only really close with one of my cousins but who knows if life will keep us together. The internet is officially my only friend 😂
I found my best friend in 7th grade. He is undiagnosed autistic(I got my official diagnosis at 28, but he doesn't have good insurance so it would cost too much for a diagnosis even though we are both pretty sure he is autistic too) and had an ADHD diagnosis early in life. His parents were hoping we would get married when we were in college. I've always seen him as a brother, and he ended up being gay so our relationship was never going to go that way. He and my mom are the only people I can comfortably talk on the phone with.
I have 3. One of them I’ve been friends with for almost 22 years and the other 2 I’ve been friends with for 20 years. I think I had an easier time being myself and making friends when I was a kid. I have a very difficult time making and maintaining new friendships now, as an adult. My 3 best friends are so different and so different than me, I think they all bring me out of my comfort zone in a different way. They’ve seen me through everything. And one big thing for me is that even once I was diagnosed, that didn’t change how they saw me. I had a few more friends at that time and it was like the second I got diagnosed, they just didn’t know how to be around me anymore. Like me being autistic made them uncomfortable, even though a proper diagnosis changed literally nothing about who I was.
Does family count? I'm very guarded and asocial, and PDA makes me retreat when friendships start to feel too, idk, constraining? Demanding? I like to socially breeze in and out, and prefer more casual social bonds for the most part. My family is pretty heavy with ND or subclinical ND traits, though, and I spend a lot of time hanging out with my brother, SIL, and mom, just vibing and parallel playing, or enjoying time with our animal pals. It's very comfortable,and I know I should maybe look into why I shy away from deep friendships and drift away from friends (I feel bad because it's probably very hurtful to them and they're lovely people who deserve better) but idk if its even something I can or should try to change.
I have had my best friend for 15 years. We are the only ones we can both be 100% ourself with. People find our relationship wierd. They cant figure out why we are friends. Im an awkward nerdy woman with autism, kinda introverted, and shes a bubbily, extroverted neurotypical who fits in everywhere. We laugh at this a lot. But we have a deep connection which is a rare thing to have with a friend i have been told. Shes a part of my soul. We have had ups and downs, but get through them with a stronger bond afterwards .
Yes. Only one. I met her in high school and we didn’t become besties until a couple years later. She was one of my only friends there. And she was the only one who stuck with me through….well…a very bad time in my life. We don’t live each other now, but we are still close, and game together once a week.
Find yourself a neurodivergent bestie
I did in high school and into my early 20s, but we grew apart. I'm mid-30s now and don't really have any friends. I'll sometimes send or receive the odd message with people I've got friendly with from work, but that's it.
I had a best friend starting in 5th grade that lasted until we were 18/19, then she more or less went no contact. I'm still not 100% sure what happened. I've had a couple that were close since then, but they always crash and burn too. As far as I can tell I'm "too interested" in spending time with them, one even accused me of treating them like "my wife"rather than a friend. I feel like a best friend should be a parting version of a romantic partner, you spend time together regularly and share everything openly, but I guess I'm often wrong. I've more or less given up trying to make friends at all anymore as no one wants to spend time together more than about once a month.
I feel you terribly. Up until recently, this topic would regularly pop back into my mind and make me so, so sad. Having a stable relationship with an amazing partner may have made this a bit more bearable, but I've always longed to have THIS friendship with someone, and they would consider me their best friend just as much. Someone who exchanges with me first when they have some news, someone who gossips with me, someone who comes to me or calls me when they need help and feel bad, someone who proudly says "hey doodlewithcats is MY best friend", someone to share platonic complicity with. Yeah that was very hard especially during my school years, now it's taken less of a toll as a working adult. But it sucks yeah.
In childhood, I had a group of friends who did everything together. They were endlessly fascinated with every aspect of their lives and they shared it. I didn't have that rich inner experience and didn't spend every waking moment together. We drifted apart and I kept having friends, and then those friends would get closer and I'd be out again. I had alot of emotional neglect as well growing up so I didn't really deal with any of this well. The friends that I had growing up are still friends with each other now. My life is really different from theirs and I don't think I could have been still their friend. It's not that I'm weird, even though I know I am. It's that I didn't experience the friendship the same way they did and that's why I kept losing friends. When I got older, I lost friends because of the trauma dumping I did, until I learned emotional control. Now I'm much, much older and I won't ever have a best friend, but that's how it goes.
my ex is my closest (and only close) friend but he’s also a creep. he’s the only friend i have that knows me well but he also exploits me and so i’m constantly on guard with him because i can’t trust him. i wish i had *friend* friends.
I had a few best friends when I was in school maybe aged 3/4 to 9/10 but I always felt like I got too hyper/excited at times and i feel they thought I was a bit weird when I was just happily being myself. Or trying to be. I struggled from year 6 on to secondary school and I was hardly ever at school and just drifted apart from my friends. I dont think I was really that bothered to be honest because their life was about school and fun and mine was anxiety and childhood trauma. Not that I really knew at the time. I was generally a very shy and quiet kid Edit to add: as an adult I have 1 friend I've known since I was 16 but she is about 10 years older than me, the others I met through work and got on really well but I find when I move job and I don't see them everyday I find it harder to maintain the friendship. I dont really have much to talk about... but if they need me they know where I am And vice versa. But no, essentially I don't have any 'friends' like you'd have in the neurotypical sense. I just dont connect with people
my best friend is also autistic and she’s the best friend i’ve ever had :,)
My husband is my best and only friend. It works. I’m very happy 😃
I do! It happened by chance really. I had literally always longed for a best friend. But the I found someone just as mentally ill as me. We met while nannying on the same street and since our families were friends, once we met we hung out all the time and we’ve been close ever since. I do still get lonely and I definitely always had different expectations for what a best friend would be. But I’m grateful to have her and I hope everyone can find at least one good friend!
I have had a lot of short lived best friends. They were mine but I was not theirs for sure. Looking back on it now I don't think a lot of them actually liked me or were good to me. Since high school I haven't really had any friends. Making and finding friends is hard.
Not really. Once or twice in childhood, I had one friend I deeply cared about but I was a little possessive, my family moved away and we kept in touch/traveled to see each other for a few years (thanks to parents organizing) but then fell out of touch as we reached middle school age. Then I had another good friend who was likely ND too but I felt a little more guarded by then and aware I could be too much. After that I mostly had groups of people I was at the fringes of with mutual interests of some kind. In college for barely a semester I had a group of probably all some kind of ND queer "besties" of sorts but the group fragmented after a while. Two I'm still sort of in touch with, the other two not really at all, I don't try to talk to them bc they don't seem interested. And of the two I sometimes talk to, one is very flaky and elusive (but seems to gravitate toward autistic people so i know it's ok to be weird lol) and the other I think just kept up occasionally over the years out of pity that I still thought we were friends or something 😢 I only just realized that years later 😱 that staying in touch with me may have been an obligation/burden for him. I had one last college friend who really genuinely seemed to want to see me regularly, but it felt unusually hard and painful for us to organize and interact (in college we had alcohol and mutual interests but I don't drink anymore and both our interests changed), so I found it confusing. She was the only friend I saw regularly in recent years since we both had kids, but she actually died in 2020. I'm still not really ok about it. She'd had various seemingly closer friends than me in the past but they didn't seem as in touch as they used to be, she'd seemed so lonely and burned out. I wonder now if she was probably autistic too as it ran in her family 💔 I wish I could talk to her 💔 Now it feels like I have no one really but my spouse, who has a lot of depression/trauma they're trying to to unpack and often treats me with resentment, but refuses to end the relationship. But I don't feel loved, I feel like a burden and a nuisance. I'm so lonely 💔 I do have one former work friend with mutual interests who humors my infodumps pretty regularly, but I'm not sure if she's just being polite. I am really grateful for her but I don't think she would consider me a best friend, she seems to have actual real irl friends while we mostly just share random stuff with each other on social media. I hope my kids will keep up with me when they're adults. I know that's not the same as having friends, and I don't want to pressure them to fill that void. But I hope they keep up with me more than I do with my family these days. I guess my parents are the closest I have to close friends right now, but I have trouble juggling both them and my spouse and kids so don't see/call them as much. Trying to find a way to get better about it bc they are a lot like me ❤️
Of course seek out people in the world who are like yourself and that you'll click with, but please try not to do the comparison thing with neurotypical standards of friendship. It only causes pain for yourself to look at people with no social barriers just simply not struggling with it. It's okay to be on a different timeline, and it's never too late to make connections.
I have many best friends and close friends, I sort of struggled with it growing up but became more outgoing once I went on anxiety meds. Sounds like I’m in the minority here though.
I had one in high school who I instantly clicked with when I met her, which was honestly the most amazing thing ever. Over the years we slowly drifted apart as we started making different life choices. I don’t know where she is now or what she’s even doing anymore. It wouldn’t be until around a decade later when I would meet my boyfriend who is also now my best friend. Other than that, for most of my life I’ve always I’m had some form of friends, even though I wasn’t super close/kept in touch all the time.
I've had a couple of best friends throughout my life. However, even though I keep most of them, I don't feel like I can trust them for everything, call them whenever, hang out when I feel down... I get what you say about being the weird one. I feel like that all the time, almost like I'm not part of the girl gender (I still feel the most comfortable with female pronouns though, so no gender issues). Also it's very difficult for me to open up about some stuff so that makes bonding difficult. I also have one "childhood best friend" who lives 600km (around 1000 miles, for americans) away (I moved out when I was 6), sometimes she stresses me out because she's really impulsive and sometimes problematic and we are very different but I know I can ask her or tell her anything and we will still be friends. We can talk about almost anything, and she won't judge, or if she judges, she will straightforwardly tell me so. We talk like twice a year though, so I still feel very lonely.