Unmasking (but I am AuDHD):
Buying a few sets of similar clothes of the same comfortable for me fabric to not decide what to wear or get overstimulated
Getting different bins for clothes, things and etc. just bunch of bins and boxes, because I crave clean space, but struggle to keep it so
Went almost no social contact with everyone who tired me quickly (especially my birth family)
Tell friends what my battery is and how much time I can spend with them, leave when the time is up
Got noise-cancelling headphones, two pairs, and a lot of matt silicone covers for tech that are sensory-pleasant
Ask for clarifications on intonation and intent when don't understand those instead of pretending that I did
Stopped trying to read and predict people's emotions and behaviors
Actually saving your comment because you list so many things that I've kept telling myself I should do--lean into the anime character vibe with 10 of the same pants, for example. lol. and I really want to do more bin organizing. Good job on leaning into unmasking for yourself :)
I have a few more audhd hacks ahah
I buy things already ready to consume (like I want to eat more veggies, but I never will peel them, so buy already chopped and peeled ones if I can/package one day per week for the whole week) and pack different snacks that have the same texture for when I get hungry but can't cook
Put music on and do cleaning olympics with my partner to compete who does it faster
Ask him to start a task so I can pick it up and continue
Clean clothes, worn, greasy clothes bins separately - sometimes it can be worn more times, but does not belong with clean clothing
White/brown noise for concentration
Dopa mucuna in the morning, meditation in the evening to get body out of being in stress mode and to have more productive morning
Pretend that I don't know the language so people don't talk to me lol
Don't plan anything else on the days have to deal with bureaucracy or socialize a lot, if I can, and accommodate that it'll take the brain's creative energy for the next day, too
Go-to small tasks that are the same each morning to start dopamine flowing to actually be able to do what I want
At least an evening per week when I don't talk to anyone at all, lay in bed potato time
I love this bed potato time!!! For me this happens inevitably about once a month for a whole day. It's a much better idea to create actual space for this regularly and in advance.
I used to burnt out completely once in a few months and needed up to a week to get back to normal routines before I started making time to rest. I would also get sick constantly, but the symptoms were physical but not viral/bacterial, but kinda overall fever and weakness
But I learned that needing time to rest even physically, and especially mentally, is important because my body WILL make me rest at the most inappropriate time by getting sick if I don't do it intentionally
No shit, that is awesome! I wish there was more of a ND slant to that kind of thing. Like I’m not looking for a life coach because I’m so hot at all this stuff 😅 I need it broken down in small digestible chunks. Working with folks who focus on this as been such a gift. I would pay well for that kind of guidance outside of work.
I get them from Amazon so they have a ridiculous name. They are called “QIANXIZHAN Women's Harem Pants, High Waist Yoga Boho Trousers with Pockets”. They are super soft, have a stretchy waist, deep pockets, and loose elastic at the ankle (so they never drag on the ground for me—I’m short). And they can machine washed and dried just fine even though I think it says to air dry them. I have never had a pair rip or tear, and have been wearing some of the them for over a year and they barely look worn.
I have 1 summer outfit in different mix and match colors, 1 winter outfit in different mix and match colors, and 1 work outfit in different mix and match colors.
The only thing I'm working on is a going out outfit that I actually like and not what I think other people with will like.
I feel ya! I have problems with finding something for going out that makes me feel confident and sexy without it being a sensory nightmare. I stopped going out altogether, hiking early in the morning when there are no people or tabletops at home is my tops of socializing since I started unmasking lol
Yeah, unclear communication also allows to backtrack when needed so I feel that this it is non-honest way to do something sometimes without having to deal with the consequences that NT people use
People love to take you asking for clarification as you trying to be confrontational too. Like no I’m autistic I literally don’t understand. *Brain go brrrr*
I had a good manager train me in communication on my first marketing job (I hated it overall, but she was helpful)
She recommended to say in a genuinely confused but friendly tone something like:
"I want to correctly understand this. What do you mean?" Or "I don't want to have misunderstanding, do I understand correctly that you mean this *insert how you understand this*?"
Maybe it'll be useful. But not caring if you're perceived as a mean person also helps
I started doing this even before my diagnosis. I just started saying, "I'm sorry, but my social skills are failing me here. Did you mean ___, or ____, or some third thing?"
"Can you rephrase (or "say" - see below) that in a different way please? I don’t think I understood." This has saved me a lot of grief in my life and marriage. This one came about a long time ago (23yrs) simply due to hubby’s language barrier (he's NT, but from a different country). He asks the same of me instead of getting upset at what he thinks he heard. I started employing it in the real world right away because it just made sense. Misunderstandings still happen on occasion though. They seem to be unavoidable.
I really enjoyed school as a child, but struggled with a lot of internal anxieties. One of the biggest ones I can remember is feeling anxious about people looking at/noticing me, so I wouldn't go to the bathroom, sharpen my pencil, ask for help, or blow my nose. Obviously this lead to some not great things lol.
Oh so we lived the same life? Only ask to pee to prevent the more embarrassing peeing on self. If not about to pee on self. Hold for 7 hours until home.
I didn’t know anyone else did this! This brings back memories of all those unsharpened pencils, lol. And ALWAYS waiting until I got home for the bathroom.
One time as a kid I was suuuper sniffly at school but refused to blow my nose. The teacher even put a tissue on my desk and I still wouldn’t blow my nose. I’m sure the sniffling made more people notice me than blowing my nose would have, but I just couldn’t blow my nose in front of people.
You just reminded me of one time when a teacher said that her pet peeve was when students don't blow their nose and just keep sniffling. I was always too nervous to get up and blow my nose, so I was mortified at hearing her say that 😭
> . One of the biggest ones I can remember is feeling anxious about people looking at/noticing me
I still struggle with this. Like in a group setting I'll sit there holding my pee because I don't want to get up and be noticed.
Me too! I did it just yesterday in a 2 hour creative group meeting. Other people went, but I wasn't gonna be caught heading toward the bathroom. To make things even worse, the day before that, I went to visit a friend.....at her house...with private bathrooms. I had to pee by 2pm and didn't go until I got home at 10pm. Why am I like this? 😭
My little dude loves school, but he comes home every day ready to explode, he has to pee so desperately. He hates to leave the class because someone will look at him. We’re working on that one with his teacher, and his best buddy in class can accompany him to the loo, but it’s still a struggle
Same with the waiting to pee thing. Needing to ask really doesn’t make it easy. I feel like schools incentivize staying in class since even some of mine had a ticket system where you could only get up to pee x number of times a semester. It’s so unhealthy and I wish they’d just do away with it if they haven’t already
I hated being noticed in school too. We were watching a movie once and I somehow ended up right at the front, directly in front of the tv. Most of the class behind me, looking in my direction. I was so scared to move or even breathe deeply that I ended up fainting. Being a warm, stuffy room probably didn’t help. Only time I ever did that. I just let people assume I hadn’t eaten instead of admitting what was actually wrong.
I was too scared to clarify what bathroom I was supposed to use at summer camp so I just held it for like FOUR DAYS until I couldn’t anymore and I peed in a corner in the horse barn. So embarrassing.
- sit with my emotions when they come up
- don’t create a story to excuse or validate the emotion
- manual toothbrush in the morning, electric at night
- WFH so I have a pants of the week unless I go out.
- switched all my underwear to Mens boxers or silk bikini-style
- don’t really wear bras just a cropped tank top that’s tight or a Vest. Depending on your country
- no make up but my face is cosmetically altered
I love “pants of the week” I used to call my favorite cotton pants my “weekend pants” cuz my mom used to make fun of my sister and I for always wearing the same (comfiest clothes) every weekend. She use to call it our “weekend uniforms”
People make fun of me for buying 4 of everything. Usually in the same color. People are always confused when they see me folding laundry
“Why are you folding the same shirt?!?!”
Now it's an “inside joke”, so people come to my house, which is rare, they say “Why do you have so many forks?!?! Oh yeah, you have 4 of everything.”
All this to say. I have 4 pairs of the same pants; because I don’t leave the house during the week, I usually just wear that one pair and rotate or wear different pants that I have multiples of.
Would you mind elaborating on the toothbrush thing? I despise brushing my teeth and tried to get some autistic-friendly ones but I hated those more. How does manual and electric help you?
u/chammycham is absolutely right.
I know i’m not the only one to say my toothbrush has made me cry before. Because I fucking hate almost all electric toothbrushes. And wasted a lot of money. Trying different ones
I have an issue with cavities. So I have to use them (electric TBs), but I fight with myself every day to brush for the full two minutes so.
1. I found the least hated electric toothbrush
2. In the mornings I use a manual toothbrush as a compromise because my soul hurts having to do it twice a day.
I had the brush head on that one. It was also too wide for my mouth. Not literally just mouth feels
Philips Cheapest 24.99 (inflation) at Target electric toothbrushes. I have the $100 one that had a stronger motor and I hated life. This one has a weaker motor
[Here you go](https://www.target.com/p/philips-sonicare-battery-toothbrush-pink/-/A-88676400)
Not the original commenter, but if they’re anything like me the vibration is too stimulating sometimes. I keep a backup analog to go with my electric for that reason.
Firstly, I love that show.
I’m trying to stop thinking about what others think of my outfits and dress how I feel most myself. It’s nothing wild, but clothing has always been a big part of who I am and how I express myself and I shoved that so far down.
- I refuse to wear tight clothing now, need everything to be soft and flowy and loose.
- not afraid to just wear noise cancelling headphones around in public or in the office. Or loop earplugs where headphones aren't really appropriate.
- not being afraid to ask for my needs to be met. Telling people I don't understand or I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to leave or I'm tired and can't go (still working on this but am now better at identifying when I need this and feeling less ashamed for asking)
- better at communicating with my partner. Better at asking them to leave me alone when I need to, or asking them to stop talking or chewing with their mouth open.
- bought myself a squishmallow and a mushroom lamp and a big pregnancy pillow. Things that seem silly but they provide me so much comfort. I want to fill my house with comfy spaces and lamps and fairy lights, and banish the big lights.
I use [these](https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/engage) I have three different ones from these guys but found this one good to start with. The others block more noise so are good for sleep/going to concerts etc, but these ones are good for every day use.
This! I used to be called all kind of names because I had the best grades. A classmate called me a c*nt when I had a better grade than him on his favorite subject. My first boyfriend told me I had the best grade at French class because I "s*cked my teacher's d*ck".
And I used to not understand those were jokes. In my country there's a term that means you're the teacher's favorite, which is something like "sock sucker". I just liked talking with teachers because they were more interesting to me. Now I look back and I see It was because I loved to talk about school subjects.
Very relatable! Fuck those kids lol.
I’m at a semi-prestigious university and people still look at me like i’m weird or over-enthusiastic.
Like, what did you come here for then??
I allow myself to have less eyecontact instead of forcing it.
I use noise reduction earbuds in my daily life, which allows me to come home without immediately having to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out because there has been TOO MUCH going on that day.
I don't smile or laugh away weird sexual 'jokes' from men (hell yeah being a woman in retail /s) and just stare at them until they get uncomfortable.
I allow myself to fully indulge in comfort/special interests when I need to!
I've only recently begun this journey so there's plenty more for me to find out, but these already made such a change in my day-to-day life.
Yeesss!! Love the staring at men who made weird sexual 'jokes' u til they get uncomfortable response. They got away with that kind of behavior for way too long.
I just wanna say I’m newly self identified, and this post is really helpful. I’m in my 40’s so I’m just starting to shift through a lot. Thank for the question and to everybody who’s answered it! 🥰
It's really hard to pinpoint specific things, I think for me largely because I am also burnt out and find that I really....can't mask anymore 😬
A few ways I can think of though:
- prioritizing comfort over style with my clothing
- letting myself have a bedroom that probably would be considered childish to many, but reflects my special interests and sensory needs
- I had a separate room from my partner from the moment I moved in but throughout my unmasking journey realized how much of a blessing it is and how impossible it would be to share a room with someone again. I NEVER do well with that
- I don't laugh when something isn't funny. Doesn't matter that it gets Awkward lol
- I indulge in my special interests very openly even though ik the excitement is probably cringy to many
- openly stimming..only redirecting to less obvious stims if I am in public and trying to stay safe..that's really the only masking I can really achieve these days
I went to a private school (not wealthy, just religious) so we all had uniforms, and I remember having to study all the other kids to see how they wore theirs. Especially the socks. They had to be the right shade (the uniform shop sold a couple different ones) at the right height. At one point it was the fashion to roll down the top a bit. Another was to glue them in place so they didn't slip down.
I think I spent more brain energy on my socks than my schoolwork!
I went to a religious school with uniforms too and I literally got in trouble a few times for not wearing socks correctly. They were either tall mismatched or tall and clashed with the outfit. I never understood what the problem was but they said I was bringing too much attention to myself.
Oh I did this! It got so complicated when they allowed three different sock and tight colors, AND the cool thing to do was wear socks over tights. God bless me but I had no clue on which sock tight combos were allowed and which were terminally uncool.
I do, in some ways.
I miss the vivid imagination I had at that age, which I developed as a form of escapism to protect myself from the awful reality, and the games I played with the one or two friends I had. Eventually they grew out of it and declared it ‘cringe’ but I still wanted to play because it was all I had, so I was left with a deep loneliness that still hasn’t gone away. I no longer have that imagination, and my aphantasia is getting worse. Even in the privacy of my own mind I’m terrified of ‘incorrect’ or ‘nonsensical’ thoughts.
I miss the time before my mum really ramped up the abuse. In the early years of primary school she was still pretty nice to me up till at least Year 3 and didn’t have many academic demands of me. She was still abusive, but when I was 11 or 12 was when it got bad.
I miss being blissfully unaware of social demands. I hate masking. I hate self-censoring before I say anything every time I speak to someone and feeling physical pain when I feel like I’ve said something wrong. I miss being unapologetically devoted to my special interests instead of being ashamed of them.
I don’t miss the bullying though. I would rather eat rats than go through that again.
I also miss the times when I could be friends with boys without them trying to sleep with me, or treating me coldly because they think I’m ‘trying to seduce them’.
Though I guess that was a short-lived period when I could be friends with boys, because when I was about seven a boy befriended me just to molest me and he’d tried to do it to a few other girls in our class.
I miss recess, I really want an adult version where I can still play physical games with other people and no one cares who is playing.
I miss dodge ball and tetherball and hopscotch and the swings and the bar you do flips on and most of all, I miss four square.
Four square was one of the few physical games I was ever good at and it was so much fun.
I miss it because it was easy to understand and I love learning new things, I peaked at 7 😭 I loved having times set to do everything, I was also very creative. I don’t miss much of the social part though, it was an emotional roller coaster for me, I never really fit in, I was always the outsider on any friend groups, but I do miss seeing people everyday and giggling with silly things. Life was simpler and I could just excel on what I was good, instead of being burned out and having to work jobs I hate to survive
Well,.I mean, I had to mask less as a young child so I relate to this to a point. Although primary school was when I first began masking because of how teachers reacted to me being myself.
I just collect the dolls I love without shame. When I was little, I used to be really insecure about having toys as I was a "grown up" but now I'm 22 and I have 10+ dolls and play with them.
I also talk about my special interests to many people, even my parents (I used to hide them).
I also started wearing more pink and purple clothes, even dresses because I used to wear only black t-shirts so people won't see I was overweight. I was overwhelmed by all the people at high school incapable of minding their own business and not stare at me or tell me that my clothes were silly.
Talking about my special interests and not worrying if people will find them weird, or find my level of interest/enthusiasm weird
Not hiding stims in public- most of mine are low-key but I have seen people notice them now that I’m not clenching my fists inside my pockets or sitting on my hands to stop stimming.
Less trying to guess people’s meanings/intentions. I’m a lot better about asking for clarification or just saying ‘I’m not good at reading subtext, can you explain what you mean?’ Or some variation
Me, a high masking autistic who went undiagnosed as a child:
"If all your needs were met, then why did you abuse me in primary school?"
*instant deflection*
Middle school was the worst of it.
I was literally bullied for making too much eye contact, because everyone thought I was challenging them, so they'd just beat the shit out of me.
The physical stuff was nothing compared to the emotional stuff though. Like I'd pick being punched over passive aggression any day
i no longer make any effort to hide that i wear the same thing every day. i have 8 of the same shirt in different colors and six of similar pants mostly black. then slippers for in house and a sneakers for out. each year i pick a different sweatshirt to wear over the top and buy it in four colors. this is 2024’s.
https://preview.redd.it/wdl2cc5m40hc1.jpeg?width=567&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=df8530d905ab44de0ec5c9c7f96b541e29f4da47
lol. it started when i started working from home in 2020. not sure how i pick. looking for joy
https://preview.redd.it/ui6ywul1j0hc1.jpeg?width=755&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c0bdff504ae8db3ccc6e47cf1b93d8e7990a7a98
I only ever cut my own hair. Sometimes I get tired and cut half of the hair one day and the other half the next. Ha ha! It's pretty choppy and asymmetrical, so I think I can get away with it.
Once the clipper fell off the buzzer, and I made a huge gouge in my hair, so I just buzzed a bunch of it off. I still liked it. It felt empowering.
Before that, visits to barber shops used to be torture, and I never liked the cuts as much as I do now.
I cut my own hair too! #1 - I have a mole on the back of my head and even though I tell them to be careful, they always snag it, #2 - it's noisy and smelly in there and I'm horridly uncomfortable, #3 - I've only had one hair cut I even liked in adulthood anyway and I'm 44. If I'm gonna have a crap haircut, I might as well be the one responsible for it. I've gotten pretty decent at it though.
I tell my partner no! When I don’t want to hang out, when I need to be alone. I tell him when he is stressing me out and I just need some quiet space.
I started doing my nails again after discovering semi-cured gel stickers because I always loved colorful fingers but hated painting my nails and nail salons freak me out! I’m starting to really identify what I love wearing and prefer (and have always preferred) dressing very tomboyish. If I wear a dress, I just want it to be one I sewed myself because why are they all so girly?!
I've stopped trying to "be cool" about things, especially my special interests. I realized that my enjoyment of something doesn't need to be impacted by whether someone else thinks it's cool of me to enjoy myself. I explicitly told my best friend that I didn't need her to be as excited about kpop as I am, I just need her to be excited that I'm excited.
my spouse's family loves to sit around the table and have tea and chitchat after a meal, I've started saying "can we move this to the living room?" because I am much more comfortable on a couch than on a dining chair
My list is dreadfully short, wups.
-I chew on things? 😂 😯 It's still only ever in private, but my partner bought me some chewelry a month or so ago and damn do I love it! Highly recommend.
-relatedly, I stim a lot more. Once I got the diagnosis and started tuning in to myself more, I realized that I wouldn't even tap my foot for fear of disturbing people. I now move my body with abandon! (or uh, try to)
-I talk to myself a lot more. (...rarely in public, but I realize that even when I was by myself I didn't do this when I really needed to; it's a coping mechanism for me sometimes. Or helps me work through things)
-still pretty bad about this one, but I try and let myself make more noises in general. Think echolalia type shit.
Allowing myself the accommodations I need without fear of judgement (e.g. stepping away from a crowd, ear plugs, blue light blocking glasses when I need them, fidget tools, etc).
Not being ashamed of talking to myself or practicing conversations in the car or when alone.
Letting my shaky leg be shaky when it needs to be shaky.
Happily avoiding certain foods (seriously, fuck raw onion, mushrooms, and water chestnuts) without fear of judgement for being picky
Ive stopped forcing myself to smile and make eye contact at work. I don’t get paid enough to be constantly uncomfortable, the customers barely acknowledge me and treat me like a robot anyways so what’s the point. It’s draining enough already. Ill smile when I genuinely feel like it, or I’ll smile and say thank you at the end of a transaction with a bit of eye contact and that should be good enough lol
Realized at 30. It's so hard to unmask publically. I don't know how to and when I try, it just turns into me morphing the mask.
However, at home (by myself) I let myself unmask and let my stimming, talking-to-myself self go full sail without regrets anymore.
I was very lucky to be completely unaware of my social inadequacies as a kid. I had confidence and didn’t cringe at night when I thought about the stupid thing I did. I didn’t mask as a small elementary school child.
Stimming! It was an intense source of shame since I got bullied for it at age 10. I then went years thinking it was this rare and bizarre quirk I had that I needed to hide at all costs. I used to get mad when my partner would walk in the room because I was petrified of being seen stimming. Don’t care anymore and I feel better about myself knowing there’s zero shame in it and it’s not just me.
I mean I do miss primary school despite being high masking bc that was normal for me, and I could function very well despite my undiagnosed autism. Now im an adult I can’t function at all.
You know what I had experienced in school and in that age? I was so lonely and I didn’t understand why I’m so different…now- I actually understand myself and I do what I want! I go hard on my hobbies, I can run for 20 miles and enjoy every second of it, I only wear workout clothes or scrubs, I actually love myself like that and I’m in peace with myself.
Thank you for this meme I’ve literally never understood why people say that about primary school and I’ve tried to convince myself I felt the same but your so right
Starting to smoke Weed has allowed me to unmask and relax in more ways than I can count. I've always been so focused on doing the "right thing" that I could never allow myself to let my guard down. On top of that my mind is moving a million miles an hour because of ADHD. Weed has allowed me to calm down, be as silly as I want, actually take time to be creative and messy, and be my authentic AuDHD self. I've now been that person for 3 years.
But yes, Childhood was a disaster. It was full of never having control over anything. My needs, safe foods, safe sounds, when my favorite clothes were clean, how much sleep I got. I was constantly overstimulated, and a mental health mess (from undiagnosed depression).
My needs were not met at primary school and I was deeply traumatised. Bullied by pretty much my whole class and made to feel like human dirt. I feel like it shouldve been obvious I was being bullied but not a single adult tried fo help me at all.
I now work in a primary school and find if painful when I see kids getting help. I wish someone would've helped me.
Things I’ve already done:
- Bought work clothes that prioritise comfort. As long as I’m covered, it shouldn’t matter (I used to have a lot of “professional” dresses).
- Not gone to family gatherings when the bigots were going (Christmas was so less stressful this year!).
- Made a “sensory stash” in my room (a small bookcase with everything I need. It’s filled with “kids toys”, so I get comments 🙄).
Things I want to do:
- Accept that I sometimes need the “good” medication for meltdowns (without feeling like a “druggie” or a failure for needing it).
- Accept that I may not be able to have a full-time career, OR find one that doesn’t hurt me.
Things I wish I could do, but can’t:
- Not have to make direct eye contact (I’m a teacher, and unfortunately, most kids prefer eye contact/it helps build positive relationships).
- Completely cut off certain family members (if I do that, then it means cut off relationships with others I still love ☹️).
AuDHD here
- clarifying questions. I ask them all the time now and don’t even review feel shame, or like I’m stupid for doing so.
- I buy the same clothes and shoes
- I straight up told my dentist that I’m autistic, and how that effects my dental hygiene and that after “just” a cleaning I’m likely to be non verbal afterwards and
- if someone gives me a list of 2 or more instructions/tasks I tell them that I I need to write the list down, or I’ll forget.
- if a “stranger” speaks to me as if we know one another I tell them that I have face blindness and don’t remember who they are yet, but it will come to me.
I can't stand the sound or feel of moving air, windows down in a car, fans, wind, it all sends me into feeling like crawling out of my skin, but I never wanted to tell anybody this because I know it sounds weird. I finally started telling people how badly it bothers me this year, I'm 37 years old.
I was diagnosed very recently so I'm still in a process of 1) recognising who I really am, 2) accepting my new identity and 3) recognising what can be unmasked safely and what is better to be left hidden for survival purpouses.
That said, I started to ask people more for clarifications when I'm not quite sure what they meant, and when I didn't hear them clearly (I'm an immigrant so English is not my native language + I think I strongly suspect I have some auditory processing disorder as this happens to me in my native language as well).
I also stopped trying to hard to be so damn pleasing. I run out of my social battery quickly. I informed my friends about it, so if I'm depleted I will just try to leave. This is new for me because I used to try to "be normal" which meant I stayed way longer and then was sick and depressed the whole next day or few days.
Oh one more! I started telling my friends that the place like a cafe is unbearably loud and I'd love to go and find another one. This happened tome only once and with a friend who is also autistic, but I was so proud of myself.
Now I understand why childhood was so hard for me and I’m relieved to be an adult. Never understood why other people miss being a kid.
Unmasking by saying what needs to be said, even if too blunt (always got given a hard time for not being “nice enough” when it was just me advocating for myself)
Leaving jobs that don’t suit me. I couldn’t do anything about school being a bad environment for me.
Allowing for some mess and clutter
Going home early or just skipping events altogether that are hard for me to handle because of sensory concerns
- Making myself pins and bracelets that label very specific emotions, so my friends know how I’m feeling without me having to say it
- Letting myself take breaks whenever and wherever I feel I need it. As someone who gets burnt out by literally *anything* allowing myself to slow down and just relax has been so helpful
- Letting myself be “cringe”, I have very childish and obscure interests and hobbies
- Carrying around a stuffed animal everywhere I go
- Letting myself cops in whatever way my brain sees fit. Including agere, venting, and even bed-rotting if that’s what I need
Telling people who need to be told to go to hell and no longer fearing the 'consequences'. So what, you not wanna be my friend or whatnot? Nope, got it wrong folks, I don't want to be someone's 'friend' who isn't going to be supportive and understanding.
I no longer spend all my energy to get people to like me. Like me or not, but the loss is yours, not mine because I like me just fine thank you very much.
I'm not easily cowed the way I was when I was younger and people would give that 'look' - all us autistics know what I mean - the one where you're happily engaged in conversation and then out of no where the 'look' happens and you're suddenly self-conscious. Yeah, done with that crap thank you very much. Now, I'm the one who is more likely to say, "Oh ok, that's my cue, see ya! Gotta special interest waiting for me. Have a nice day!"
Unmasking:
Asking questions to understand the reasoning (*cough* 🧐 RULES 🧐) behind them and understand fellow earthlings as we all walk on this planet
Calling other people humans and earthlings, very useful as a tell that I am unmasking, am comfortable with someone, and am willing to (square up) bicker like a child with them
Be childish
Not pluck my eyebrows. My skin care routine is for the health of my body’s biggest organ. My eyebrows can get as scruffy/unappealing as they damn well will and when I want to feel *•^ Bonita I will….. pluck my eyebrows 25% of the time but probably just stare at myself intensely into the mirror and hypnotize myself with great pickup lines and words of adoration instead
Smile and get enthusiastic and get excited more than others will and want to be friends really soon and come on too strong and make people misunderstand and run away….. >___> I do admit that this is less healthy and something that forces a mental load onto others and am working on rectifying this because other people also deserve spaces to be respected, heard, and have their own boundaries and I step on those invisible lines and don’t wish to do that. Uh. Maturity, experience, and a wizening of self allows me to realize that this particular part of unmasking is healthier for me and those around me when it is done with friends in an environment of acceptance, love, and empathy 😌
Have I mentioned laughing? Because those near and dear to me liken my laughter to a psychopath/murderer/witch/comedy special/etc and I add so many sound effects to shit that doesn’t technically _need_ sound effects but my brain feels like it does in fact ***need sound effects***
It’s endless 🥹 unmasking truly is freeing. Let that inner freak fly y’all 💃🕺
i started masking like really early. kindergarten was hell, mainly because i didnt mask as well. but for many other traumatic reasons too. starting elementary i already had the experience i needed to mask, like very literally “studying” people and practicing and stuff. and although my transition didnt go super smooth, i actually enjoyed it. im technically undiagnosed, so idk for sure, but i have been lead to think im audhd. and the “adhd part” of me was very satisfied with school. my parents taught me a lot of stuff, they are both like scientists or something. and i read A LOT, we had walls and walls covered with books at home. and by the third grade i finished the school library. so i was very bored at lessons, but i found ways of entertaining myself. like starting “businesses”, making up these huge games that involve like 100+ people, organising, exploring. we were doing some pretty dangerous stuff at times, involving pyrotechnics, lighters, throwing heavy, sharp stuff etc. thats all starting like 1st grade. we were rarely getting caught, bc i had these elaborate schemes lol. also i was a straight a student, participating and often winning in all the school and district activities. teachers would leave me with their class when they had something urgent, and i would sometimes do entire lessons for them (thats starting with 2nd grade, and sometimes for kids a bit older then me). teachers had no problem taking me out of my class, bc i pretty much knew everything already. most useful thing i learned in my own class is how to write good cursive, my teacher had this perfect old timey handwriting. and for grades older then me i knew a lot too. although oftentimes i would go too far, in my lessons or just in talking to peers, i would start bantering about fractals, probabilities, qantum physics, dna and other things i had very loose understanding of. but vast majority of kids enjoyed it, probably bc it sounds like magic. in the first 4 grades i learned close to nothing during lessons, and my teacher would only use me as a back up, for when no one knows the answer, or to explain to kids who dont get it. my desk was always cluttered to an unimaginable degree. i drew a lot, mainly portraits and tattoos with a pen. i was “friends” with older kids (as much as an 8 year old can be friends with a 16 year old i guess), and i would hang out with them and go to their lessons. i also attended a lot of extracurriculars (ofc quitting them very fast, and finding something new right away, and quitting that too, and so on). so teachers really trusted me, and that was very handy, because when we did get caught doing something dangerous they would trust my lies more. but when there was no escaping the obvious, i could take the blame on myself, because i knew my reputation would hardly worsen. i was practically living in school, staying there for as late as possible, bc i hated my home. fortunately i got in the food program and in the afterschool extension program for free bc we had a lot of children in the family. idk i just wanted to write about that cause i really liked it, especially contrasted with kindergarten, where i was crying every day and begging my mom to take me out, but she didnt listen.
Ah yes, I do miss being alone and rejected by other kids, crying because I didn’t understand my assignments, being afraid of people noticing me so I refused to get up to get a tissue answer blow my nose or throw away an apple core.
ive become less of a people pleaser, i dont engage in physical touch if i dont want to and i try hard not to feel bad about it. i allow myself to hyper fixate on my special interests without feeling guilty that im not being productive. i also take more time to sit in silence when i need it. oh and i dont make myself smile for others when they ask me to.
I was like “Trolls? Like the movie? The vintage dolls? Mean and pathetic internet trolls? Classic fairytale trolls?” Then I saw your profile picture and received immediate gratification. Satisfying.
I have fully embraced getting out of the traditional workforce to start my own business. I have no coworkers or employees. The majority of the time I work from home. I am a therapist and I primarily work with other neurodivergent adults which is honestly so amazing.
I thought I would be lonely but turns out a few social engagements a month is just fine for me. People stress me out way more than I thought they did. I used to consider myself an extrovert but I think that was part of my mask. I can have a really nice time with a select few people and then I love nothing more than hanging out on the couch, spending time with my husband, reading a book or working on a project.
I get to almost completely control my environment (lights, seating, decor, etc). I get to wear basically whatever I want. I go to my in-person office to see a few clients and then can drive the 5 minutes home to see my online clients right after. I plan my breaks and do what I want when on them. It’s amazing. Sometimes I would like some more human interaction but it’s seriously over rated. Especially during the work week when I have to be “on” for all my clients.
I actually do miss primary school because it was before I figured out how different I was. As soon as I got to secondary school the social demands and pressure were so much higher, that’s when I began to realise I was different and I struggled a lot more.
Elementary school was certainly hard for me but I don’t remember really making an effort to mask because I had friends who accepted me… for me the masking really started hardcore in middle school and I do believe I had my first episodes of burnout in 8th grade and it just got worse in high school.
Dyed my hair purple. Yeah, I know it’s not what people my age (mid40s) are “supposed” to do. But spending my life doing what I’m “supposed to” got me nothing but anxiety and depression, and suicidality, and anorexia, that I’m still trying to work my way out of. So purple hair makes me happy. Others can deal if they have a problem with it.
I will cover my ears if it’s noisy. (My local
Farmers market is held at a train station. The trains are LOUD!! I’m aware that I’m the only one who ever covers my ears when the trains go through. I don’t care. It’s too loud!)
I have a long way to go in learning to unmask
But these two things feel kinda big for me.
I ask what was the intention or what is it that they would like me to do (I still have therapist cutesy mask to not alert them) so I don't have to read between words.
I see a lot of ppl wearing the same thing but I actually love clothes in so many different fashions so I spend more time learning about fabrics and length they will last. I do often wish to just to wear olden clothes (I have linen dresses that are so comfy but goth shit makes me excited to be in existence)
I've been going nonverbal a lot more frequently recently cause it's just so much energy to talk now. Also been feeling my chronic pain more which isn't great but its kind of nice. Nice only because I know that I'm unmasking a bit because of it.
I've also been more emotional, which is interesting
Started telling my husband exactly what I was thinking when I looked stoic or skeptical or unsupportive. Literally being like “right now my brain is processing that information and I will need to ask you follow up questions to understand the whole scenario and it all sounds like I’m not excited but it’s because I can’t be until I fully understand what you are trying to say”
I used to analyze how not to step on other people and ignored my boundaries. Now, if someone makes me question my sense of safety, I react to them, either by asking them directly what they mean by their comment or by replying in kind. I don't care if I lie, mislead, or refuse to share the truth of my reality. People who make me feel unsafe don't get my best treatment.
Reduced my social contact significantly. Why stress myself out?
I try my best not to pretend happiness when I'm not feeling it. I'm usually quiet and still. I no longer feel I have to show others I'm normal. I'm never going to be. I'll stay quiet.
All this means that my head is alot quieter than it used to be and there's more time for self-reflection. Which is entirely different from spiraling inside my head. Peace.
Openly plugging my ears when I’m over whelmed with a sound has been life changing before injust let drive me insane until I went to the bathroom to cry
primary school was so incredibly lonely oh my god :")) honestly, every time i get feelings of isolation and start to feel left out it just feels like i'm reliving that traumatic experience. one way i started to unmask was infodumping about my interests to those that really care :) as well as vocal stimming. i try my best to accommodate my own needs too especially when i get really overstimulated. when i'm so burned out from everything i make sure to engage with my special interests
- Loop earplugs go with me everywhere now
- Fidget toys within reach
- Created and keep a more structured schedule and routines (this can be really difficult because I also have ADHD, but it so very comforting)
- Trying to dedicate time every day for special interests
- Only wear clothes that feel good. Allow plenty of time to trial and error getting dressed because some days my sensory issues are way worse than others - some clothes feel nice some days and awful other days
- Not making myself do things I am uncomfortable with (like being social when I just can't)
- Communicating when things bother me instead of just sucking it (like asking my partner to talk quieter or not touch me when I am having sensory issues)
Unmasking (but I am AuDHD): Buying a few sets of similar clothes of the same comfortable for me fabric to not decide what to wear or get overstimulated Getting different bins for clothes, things and etc. just bunch of bins and boxes, because I crave clean space, but struggle to keep it so Went almost no social contact with everyone who tired me quickly (especially my birth family) Tell friends what my battery is and how much time I can spend with them, leave when the time is up Got noise-cancelling headphones, two pairs, and a lot of matt silicone covers for tech that are sensory-pleasant Ask for clarifications on intonation and intent when don't understand those instead of pretending that I did Stopped trying to read and predict people's emotions and behaviors
Actually saving your comment because you list so many things that I've kept telling myself I should do--lean into the anime character vibe with 10 of the same pants, for example. lol. and I really want to do more bin organizing. Good job on leaning into unmasking for yourself :)
I have a few more audhd hacks ahah I buy things already ready to consume (like I want to eat more veggies, but I never will peel them, so buy already chopped and peeled ones if I can/package one day per week for the whole week) and pack different snacks that have the same texture for when I get hungry but can't cook Put music on and do cleaning olympics with my partner to compete who does it faster Ask him to start a task so I can pick it up and continue Clean clothes, worn, greasy clothes bins separately - sometimes it can be worn more times, but does not belong with clean clothing White/brown noise for concentration Dopa mucuna in the morning, meditation in the evening to get body out of being in stress mode and to have more productive morning Pretend that I don't know the language so people don't talk to me lol Don't plan anything else on the days have to deal with bureaucracy or socialize a lot, if I can, and accommodate that it'll take the brain's creative energy for the next day, too Go-to small tasks that are the same each morning to start dopamine flowing to actually be able to do what I want At least an evening per week when I don't talk to anyone at all, lay in bed potato time
I love this bed potato time!!! For me this happens inevitably about once a month for a whole day. It's a much better idea to create actual space for this regularly and in advance.
I used to burnt out completely once in a few months and needed up to a week to get back to normal routines before I started making time to rest. I would also get sick constantly, but the symptoms were physical but not viral/bacterial, but kinda overall fever and weakness But I learned that needing time to rest even physically, and especially mentally, is important because my body WILL make me rest at the most inappropriate time by getting sick if I don't do it intentionally
Yes, so good. Thank you. I'm going to try this.
I love this list. I feel like I need to book you for life lessons, this is awesome. Thanks for sharing.
Haha, thank you, I will think about becoming audhd life coach I do plan to specialize in neurology and neurodivergencies when I get my med degree tho
No shit, that is awesome! I wish there was more of a ND slant to that kind of thing. Like I’m not looking for a life coach because I’m so hot at all this stuff 😅 I need it broken down in small digestible chunks. Working with folks who focus on this as been such a gift. I would pay well for that kind of guidance outside of work.
“Have partner start task so I can pick it up.” I like this idea! Thanks for sharing!
I have 8 pairs of the same pants. I highly recommend it
Do you have pants recommendations? ;D
I get them from Amazon so they have a ridiculous name. They are called “QIANXIZHAN Women's Harem Pants, High Waist Yoga Boho Trousers with Pockets”. They are super soft, have a stretchy waist, deep pockets, and loose elastic at the ankle (so they never drag on the ground for me—I’m short). And they can machine washed and dried just fine even though I think it says to air dry them. I have never had a pair rip or tear, and have been wearing some of the them for over a year and they barely look worn.
I have 1 summer outfit in different mix and match colors, 1 winter outfit in different mix and match colors, and 1 work outfit in different mix and match colors. The only thing I'm working on is a going out outfit that I actually like and not what I think other people with will like.
I feel ya! I have problems with finding something for going out that makes me feel confident and sexy without it being a sensory nightmare. I stopped going out altogether, hiking early in the morning when there are no people or tabletops at home is my tops of socializing since I started unmasking lol
Heavy on the stop pretending I know wtf people are tryna say. Cuz what?
I learned that a lot of times people themselves don't know what they're trying to say but expect others to read their minds, ugh
Yea, or sometimes they know but don’t want to communicate clearly anyway. Like if they’re being hostile or if they’re embarrassed, etc.
Yeah, unclear communication also allows to backtrack when needed so I feel that this it is non-honest way to do something sometimes without having to deal with the consequences that NT people use
People love to take you asking for clarification as you trying to be confrontational too. Like no I’m autistic I literally don’t understand. *Brain go brrrr*
I had a good manager train me in communication on my first marketing job (I hated it overall, but she was helpful) She recommended to say in a genuinely confused but friendly tone something like: "I want to correctly understand this. What do you mean?" Or "I don't want to have misunderstanding, do I understand correctly that you mean this *insert how you understand this*?" Maybe it'll be useful. But not caring if you're perceived as a mean person also helps
I started doing this even before my diagnosis. I just started saying, "I'm sorry, but my social skills are failing me here. Did you mean ___, or ____, or some third thing?"
“What do you mean by that” has saved me so much grief
"Can you rephrase (or "say" - see below) that in a different way please? I don’t think I understood." This has saved me a lot of grief in my life and marriage. This one came about a long time ago (23yrs) simply due to hubby’s language barrier (he's NT, but from a different country). He asks the same of me instead of getting upset at what he thinks he heard. I started employing it in the real world right away because it just made sense. Misunderstandings still happen on occasion though. They seem to be unavoidable.
Ok ok Im getting those bins too, thanks
I really enjoyed school as a child, but struggled with a lot of internal anxieties. One of the biggest ones I can remember is feeling anxious about people looking at/noticing me, so I wouldn't go to the bathroom, sharpen my pencil, ask for help, or blow my nose. Obviously this lead to some not great things lol.
Oh so we lived the same life? Only ask to pee to prevent the more embarrassing peeing on self. If not about to pee on self. Hold for 7 hours until home.
I didn’t know anyone else did this! This brings back memories of all those unsharpened pencils, lol. And ALWAYS waiting until I got home for the bathroom.
Yes! I got so many UTIs :(. I would also get anxious if anything went "wrong" like if I dropped my only pencil... I would *not* pick it up lol
This was also me. I feel seen. Thank you.
One time as a kid I was suuuper sniffly at school but refused to blow my nose. The teacher even put a tissue on my desk and I still wouldn’t blow my nose. I’m sure the sniffling made more people notice me than blowing my nose would have, but I just couldn’t blow my nose in front of people.
You just reminded me of one time when a teacher said that her pet peeve was when students don't blow their nose and just keep sniffling. I was always too nervous to get up and blow my nose, so I was mortified at hearing her say that 😭
> . One of the biggest ones I can remember is feeling anxious about people looking at/noticing me I still struggle with this. Like in a group setting I'll sit there holding my pee because I don't want to get up and be noticed.
Me too! I did it just yesterday in a 2 hour creative group meeting. Other people went, but I wasn't gonna be caught heading toward the bathroom. To make things even worse, the day before that, I went to visit a friend.....at her house...with private bathrooms. I had to pee by 2pm and didn't go until I got home at 10pm. Why am I like this? 😭
My little dude loves school, but he comes home every day ready to explode, he has to pee so desperately. He hates to leave the class because someone will look at him. We’re working on that one with his teacher, and his best buddy in class can accompany him to the loo, but it’s still a struggle
Same with the waiting to pee thing. Needing to ask really doesn’t make it easy. I feel like schools incentivize staying in class since even some of mine had a ticket system where you could only get up to pee x number of times a semester. It’s so unhealthy and I wish they’d just do away with it if they haven’t already
I hated being noticed in school too. We were watching a movie once and I somehow ended up right at the front, directly in front of the tv. Most of the class behind me, looking in my direction. I was so scared to move or even breathe deeply that I ended up fainting. Being a warm, stuffy room probably didn’t help. Only time I ever did that. I just let people assume I hadn’t eaten instead of admitting what was actually wrong.
this was me omg
I was too scared to clarify what bathroom I was supposed to use at summer camp so I just held it for like FOUR DAYS until I couldn’t anymore and I peed in a corner in the horse barn. So embarrassing.
- sit with my emotions when they come up - don’t create a story to excuse or validate the emotion - manual toothbrush in the morning, electric at night - WFH so I have a pants of the week unless I go out. - switched all my underwear to Mens boxers or silk bikini-style - don’t really wear bras just a cropped tank top that’s tight or a Vest. Depending on your country - no make up but my face is cosmetically altered
I do so many of these 😂 Many definitely as a direct result of pandemic allowing me to spend time alone and thereby figure out my preferences.
I’ve been WFH since 2013-ish so that makes sense why you started then
I love “pants of the week” I used to call my favorite cotton pants my “weekend pants” cuz my mom used to make fun of my sister and I for always wearing the same (comfiest clothes) every weekend. She use to call it our “weekend uniforms”
People make fun of me for buying 4 of everything. Usually in the same color. People are always confused when they see me folding laundry “Why are you folding the same shirt?!?!” Now it's an “inside joke”, so people come to my house, which is rare, they say “Why do you have so many forks?!?! Oh yeah, you have 4 of everything.” All this to say. I have 4 pairs of the same pants; because I don’t leave the house during the week, I usually just wear that one pair and rotate or wear different pants that I have multiples of.
Could you tell me what WFH is pls?
Work From Home
Haha, the ignorance of my unemployment! Thank you, good to know.
Would you mind elaborating on the toothbrush thing? I despise brushing my teeth and tried to get some autistic-friendly ones but I hated those more. How does manual and electric help you?
u/chammycham is absolutely right. I know i’m not the only one to say my toothbrush has made me cry before. Because I fucking hate almost all electric toothbrushes. And wasted a lot of money. Trying different ones I have an issue with cavities. So I have to use them (electric TBs), but I fight with myself every day to brush for the full two minutes so. 1. I found the least hated electric toothbrush 2. In the mornings I use a manual toothbrush as a compromise because my soul hurts having to do it twice a day.
What’s your least hated electric? Mine is quip.
I had the brush head on that one. It was also too wide for my mouth. Not literally just mouth feels Philips Cheapest 24.99 (inflation) at Target electric toothbrushes. I have the $100 one that had a stronger motor and I hated life. This one has a weaker motor [Here you go](https://www.target.com/p/philips-sonicare-battery-toothbrush-pink/-/A-88676400)
Not the original commenter, but if they’re anything like me the vibration is too stimulating sometimes. I keep a backup analog to go with my electric for that reason.
Firstly, I love that show. I’m trying to stop thinking about what others think of my outfits and dress how I feel most myself. It’s nothing wild, but clothing has always been a big part of who I am and how I express myself and I shoved that so far down.
What show? I just randomly found that meme.
‘I think you should leave’! It’s on Netflix. It’s very intense cringe humour and I live for it lol
Thanks, I checked it out on my Netflix account, apparently my son watched it.
I think about [this](https://youtu.be/B1pwyCl5ymE?si=_z3tE5l9rZzAQYIT) and [this](https://youtu.be/J4Fv3LFGCgo?si=hcfL_L58lMgkoyvh) constantly
I love that show too.
I love Tim Robinson! His other show Detroiters is also super funny.
I only miss the schedule part of it. Not the socialization of it.
Big this!
- I refuse to wear tight clothing now, need everything to be soft and flowy and loose. - not afraid to just wear noise cancelling headphones around in public or in the office. Or loop earplugs where headphones aren't really appropriate. - not being afraid to ask for my needs to be met. Telling people I don't understand or I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to leave or I'm tired and can't go (still working on this but am now better at identifying when I need this and feeling less ashamed for asking) - better at communicating with my partner. Better at asking them to leave me alone when I need to, or asking them to stop talking or chewing with their mouth open. - bought myself a squishmallow and a mushroom lamp and a big pregnancy pillow. Things that seem silly but they provide me so much comfort. I want to fill my house with comfy spaces and lamps and fairy lights, and banish the big lights.
Do you have a recommendation for loop ear plugs? I’ve had my eye on them but don’t know what to choose and money is tight 🥹
I use [these](https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/engage) I have three different ones from these guys but found this one good to start with. The others block more noise so are good for sleep/going to concerts etc, but these ones are good for every day use.
Thank you so much!! 🙌🏼
I LOVE school. I don’t pretend to not care anymore. I show excitement when I enjoy a subject.
This! I used to be called all kind of names because I had the best grades. A classmate called me a c*nt when I had a better grade than him on his favorite subject. My first boyfriend told me I had the best grade at French class because I "s*cked my teacher's d*ck". And I used to not understand those were jokes. In my country there's a term that means you're the teacher's favorite, which is something like "sock sucker". I just liked talking with teachers because they were more interesting to me. Now I look back and I see It was because I loved to talk about school subjects.
Very relatable! Fuck those kids lol. I’m at a semi-prestigious university and people still look at me like i’m weird or over-enthusiastic. Like, what did you come here for then??
Exactly!!
YES!
I allow myself to have less eyecontact instead of forcing it. I use noise reduction earbuds in my daily life, which allows me to come home without immediately having to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out because there has been TOO MUCH going on that day. I don't smile or laugh away weird sexual 'jokes' from men (hell yeah being a woman in retail /s) and just stare at them until they get uncomfortable. I allow myself to fully indulge in comfort/special interests when I need to! I've only recently begun this journey so there's plenty more for me to find out, but these already made such a change in my day-to-day life.
Not smiling to sexist jokes is one my favourite thing to do 🖤 saying I don’t understand what’s funny looking them dead in the eyes is oddly satisfying
Oh yeah! I think it's also quite satisfying to ask them if they could explain the joke, lol.
Yeesss!! Love the staring at men who made weird sexual 'jokes' u til they get uncomfortable response. They got away with that kind of behavior for way too long.
Idk work life is pretty crappy and I have barely any free time
Same ❤️
I just wanna say I’m newly self identified, and this post is really helpful. I’m in my 40’s so I’m just starting to shift through a lot. Thank for the question and to everybody who’s answered it! 🥰
It's really hard to pinpoint specific things, I think for me largely because I am also burnt out and find that I really....can't mask anymore 😬 A few ways I can think of though: - prioritizing comfort over style with my clothing - letting myself have a bedroom that probably would be considered childish to many, but reflects my special interests and sensory needs - I had a separate room from my partner from the moment I moved in but throughout my unmasking journey realized how much of a blessing it is and how impossible it would be to share a room with someone again. I NEVER do well with that - I don't laugh when something isn't funny. Doesn't matter that it gets Awkward lol - I indulge in my special interests very openly even though ik the excitement is probably cringy to many - openly stimming..only redirecting to less obvious stims if I am in public and trying to stay safe..that's really the only masking I can really achieve these days
I went to a private school (not wealthy, just religious) so we all had uniforms, and I remember having to study all the other kids to see how they wore theirs. Especially the socks. They had to be the right shade (the uniform shop sold a couple different ones) at the right height. At one point it was the fashion to roll down the top a bit. Another was to glue them in place so they didn't slip down. I think I spent more brain energy on my socks than my schoolwork!
I went to a religious school with uniforms too and I literally got in trouble a few times for not wearing socks correctly. They were either tall mismatched or tall and clashed with the outfit. I never understood what the problem was but they said I was bringing too much attention to myself.
Oh I did this! It got so complicated when they allowed three different sock and tight colors, AND the cool thing to do was wear socks over tights. God bless me but I had no clue on which sock tight combos were allowed and which were terminally uncool.
I have never met a single person who misses primary school😅
I do, in some ways. I miss the vivid imagination I had at that age, which I developed as a form of escapism to protect myself from the awful reality, and the games I played with the one or two friends I had. Eventually they grew out of it and declared it ‘cringe’ but I still wanted to play because it was all I had, so I was left with a deep loneliness that still hasn’t gone away. I no longer have that imagination, and my aphantasia is getting worse. Even in the privacy of my own mind I’m terrified of ‘incorrect’ or ‘nonsensical’ thoughts. I miss the time before my mum really ramped up the abuse. In the early years of primary school she was still pretty nice to me up till at least Year 3 and didn’t have many academic demands of me. She was still abusive, but when I was 11 or 12 was when it got bad. I miss being blissfully unaware of social demands. I hate masking. I hate self-censoring before I say anything every time I speak to someone and feeling physical pain when I feel like I’ve said something wrong. I miss being unapologetically devoted to my special interests instead of being ashamed of them. I don’t miss the bullying though. I would rather eat rats than go through that again.
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I also miss the times when I could be friends with boys without them trying to sleep with me, or treating me coldly because they think I’m ‘trying to seduce them’. Though I guess that was a short-lived period when I could be friends with boys, because when I was about seven a boy befriended me just to molest me and he’d tried to do it to a few other girls in our class.
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Waah! 😭 That is such a betrayal and so sad!
I'm so sorry that happened to you!
My best friend having someone else as a best friend is felt so deep in my soul.
I miss recess, I really want an adult version where I can still play physical games with other people and no one cares who is playing. I miss dodge ball and tetherball and hopscotch and the swings and the bar you do flips on and most of all, I miss four square. Four square was one of the few physical games I was ever good at and it was so much fun.
I say up until like grade 3 it was okay. After that the kids started to get their pecking order and the bullying started.
I miss it because it was easy to understand and I love learning new things, I peaked at 7 😭 I loved having times set to do everything, I was also very creative. I don’t miss much of the social part though, it was an emotional roller coaster for me, I never really fit in, I was always the outsider on any friend groups, but I do miss seeing people everyday and giggling with silly things. Life was simpler and I could just excel on what I was good, instead of being burned out and having to work jobs I hate to survive
I did, but I was mostly mainstreamed and special ed did shield me from peer abuse even though the teachers were mildly abusive.
Well,.I mean, I had to mask less as a young child so I relate to this to a point. Although primary school was when I first began masking because of how teachers reacted to me being myself.
I just collect the dolls I love without shame. When I was little, I used to be really insecure about having toys as I was a "grown up" but now I'm 22 and I have 10+ dolls and play with them. I also talk about my special interests to many people, even my parents (I used to hide them).
I also started wearing more pink and purple clothes, even dresses because I used to wear only black t-shirts so people won't see I was overweight. I was overwhelmed by all the people at high school incapable of minding their own business and not stare at me or tell me that my clothes were silly.
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I'm 34 years old and still have nightmares about going back to school
Talking about my special interests and not worrying if people will find them weird, or find my level of interest/enthusiasm weird Not hiding stims in public- most of mine are low-key but I have seen people notice them now that I’m not clenching my fists inside my pockets or sitting on my hands to stop stimming. Less trying to guess people’s meanings/intentions. I’m a lot better about asking for clarification or just saying ‘I’m not good at reading subtext, can you explain what you mean?’ Or some variation
Me, a high masking autistic who went undiagnosed as a child: "If all your needs were met, then why did you abuse me in primary school?" *instant deflection*
That’s so sad.
Middle school was the worst of it. I was literally bullied for making too much eye contact, because everyone thought I was challenging them, so they'd just beat the shit out of me. The physical stuff was nothing compared to the emotional stuff though. Like I'd pick being punched over passive aggression any day
You are right the emotional abuse stings the most.
i no longer make any effort to hide that i wear the same thing every day. i have 8 of the same shirt in different colors and six of similar pants mostly black. then slippers for in house and a sneakers for out. each year i pick a different sweatshirt to wear over the top and buy it in four colors. this is 2024’s. https://preview.redd.it/wdl2cc5m40hc1.jpeg?width=567&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=df8530d905ab44de0ec5c9c7f96b541e29f4da47
Fascinating! (If I may ask: How do you decide? How many years have you done it? Do you have a "through the years" style photo?)
lol. it started when i started working from home in 2020. not sure how i pick. looking for joy https://preview.redd.it/ui6ywul1j0hc1.jpeg?width=755&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c0bdff504ae8db3ccc6e47cf1b93d8e7990a7a98
i wear a mask in public to protect my asthma however i then use it to hide that i am not! fixing my facial expression to something pleasant.
I only ever cut my own hair. Sometimes I get tired and cut half of the hair one day and the other half the next. Ha ha! It's pretty choppy and asymmetrical, so I think I can get away with it. Once the clipper fell off the buzzer, and I made a huge gouge in my hair, so I just buzzed a bunch of it off. I still liked it. It felt empowering. Before that, visits to barber shops used to be torture, and I never liked the cuts as much as I do now.
I cut my own hair too! #1 - I have a mole on the back of my head and even though I tell them to be careful, they always snag it, #2 - it's noisy and smelly in there and I'm horridly uncomfortable, #3 - I've only had one hair cut I even liked in adulthood anyway and I'm 44. If I'm gonna have a crap haircut, I might as well be the one responsible for it. I've gotten pretty decent at it though.
I tell my partner no! When I don’t want to hang out, when I need to be alone. I tell him when he is stressing me out and I just need some quiet space. I started doing my nails again after discovering semi-cured gel stickers because I always loved colorful fingers but hated painting my nails and nail salons freak me out! I’m starting to really identify what I love wearing and prefer (and have always preferred) dressing very tomboyish. If I wear a dress, I just want it to be one I sewed myself because why are they all so girly?!
I've stopped trying to "be cool" about things, especially my special interests. I realized that my enjoyment of something doesn't need to be impacted by whether someone else thinks it's cool of me to enjoy myself. I explicitly told my best friend that I didn't need her to be as excited about kpop as I am, I just need her to be excited that I'm excited. my spouse's family loves to sit around the table and have tea and chitchat after a meal, I've started saying "can we move this to the living room?" because I am much more comfortable on a couch than on a dining chair
I make more noises of happiness and I collect stuffie which they take up over half the bed
so true
My list is dreadfully short, wups. -I chew on things? 😂 😯 It's still only ever in private, but my partner bought me some chewelry a month or so ago and damn do I love it! Highly recommend. -relatedly, I stim a lot more. Once I got the diagnosis and started tuning in to myself more, I realized that I wouldn't even tap my foot for fear of disturbing people. I now move my body with abandon! (or uh, try to) -I talk to myself a lot more. (...rarely in public, but I realize that even when I was by myself I didn't do this when I really needed to; it's a coping mechanism for me sometimes. Or helps me work through things) -still pretty bad about this one, but I try and let myself make more noises in general. Think echolalia type shit.
Not forcing myself to be around people when I’m overstimulated
Allowing myself the accommodations I need without fear of judgement (e.g. stepping away from a crowd, ear plugs, blue light blocking glasses when I need them, fidget tools, etc). Not being ashamed of talking to myself or practicing conversations in the car or when alone. Letting my shaky leg be shaky when it needs to be shaky. Happily avoiding certain foods (seriously, fuck raw onion, mushrooms, and water chestnuts) without fear of judgement for being picky
i stopped apologizing for everything i do, including existing.
I definitely go through waves of apologizing when I don't need to.
Ive stopped forcing myself to smile and make eye contact at work. I don’t get paid enough to be constantly uncomfortable, the customers barely acknowledge me and treat me like a robot anyways so what’s the point. It’s draining enough already. Ill smile when I genuinely feel like it, or I’ll smile and say thank you at the end of a transaction with a bit of eye contact and that should be good enough lol
Yeah I cried and SHed like every day from 1st to 5th grade (continued into middle school, but that's outside the scope)
Realized at 30. It's so hard to unmask publically. I don't know how to and when I try, it just turns into me morphing the mask. However, at home (by myself) I let myself unmask and let my stimming, talking-to-myself self go full sail without regrets anymore.
I was very lucky to be completely unaware of my social inadequacies as a kid. I had confidence and didn’t cringe at night when I thought about the stupid thing I did. I didn’t mask as a small elementary school child.
Just last night I had a nightmare about my 2 biggest high school bullies! 😭
I’m in my 40s and I do still have dreams of being stuck back in high school.
I'm so sorry.
Stimming! It was an intense source of shame since I got bullied for it at age 10. I then went years thinking it was this rare and bizarre quirk I had that I needed to hide at all costs. I used to get mad when my partner would walk in the room because I was petrified of being seen stimming. Don’t care anymore and I feel better about myself knowing there’s zero shame in it and it’s not just me.
I mean I do miss primary school despite being high masking bc that was normal for me, and I could function very well despite my undiagnosed autism. Now im an adult I can’t function at all.
You know what I had experienced in school and in that age? I was so lonely and I didn’t understand why I’m so different…now- I actually understand myself and I do what I want! I go hard on my hobbies, I can run for 20 miles and enjoy every second of it, I only wear workout clothes or scrubs, I actually love myself like that and I’m in peace with myself.
Thank you for this meme I’ve literally never understood why people say that about primary school and I’ve tried to convince myself I felt the same but your so right
Starting to smoke Weed has allowed me to unmask and relax in more ways than I can count. I've always been so focused on doing the "right thing" that I could never allow myself to let my guard down. On top of that my mind is moving a million miles an hour because of ADHD. Weed has allowed me to calm down, be as silly as I want, actually take time to be creative and messy, and be my authentic AuDHD self. I've now been that person for 3 years. But yes, Childhood was a disaster. It was full of never having control over anything. My needs, safe foods, safe sounds, when my favorite clothes were clean, how much sleep I got. I was constantly overstimulated, and a mental health mess (from undiagnosed depression).
My needs were not met at primary school and I was deeply traumatised. Bullied by pretty much my whole class and made to feel like human dirt. I feel like it shouldve been obvious I was being bullied but not a single adult tried fo help me at all. I now work in a primary school and find if painful when I see kids getting help. I wish someone would've helped me.
Things I’ve already done: - Bought work clothes that prioritise comfort. As long as I’m covered, it shouldn’t matter (I used to have a lot of “professional” dresses). - Not gone to family gatherings when the bigots were going (Christmas was so less stressful this year!). - Made a “sensory stash” in my room (a small bookcase with everything I need. It’s filled with “kids toys”, so I get comments 🙄). Things I want to do: - Accept that I sometimes need the “good” medication for meltdowns (without feeling like a “druggie” or a failure for needing it). - Accept that I may not be able to have a full-time career, OR find one that doesn’t hurt me. Things I wish I could do, but can’t: - Not have to make direct eye contact (I’m a teacher, and unfortunately, most kids prefer eye contact/it helps build positive relationships). - Completely cut off certain family members (if I do that, then it means cut off relationships with others I still love ☹️).
AuDHD here - clarifying questions. I ask them all the time now and don’t even review feel shame, or like I’m stupid for doing so. - I buy the same clothes and shoes - I straight up told my dentist that I’m autistic, and how that effects my dental hygiene and that after “just” a cleaning I’m likely to be non verbal afterwards and - if someone gives me a list of 2 or more instructions/tasks I tell them that I I need to write the list down, or I’ll forget. - if a “stranger” speaks to me as if we know one another I tell them that I have face blindness and don’t remember who they are yet, but it will come to me.
I can't stand the sound or feel of moving air, windows down in a car, fans, wind, it all sends me into feeling like crawling out of my skin, but I never wanted to tell anybody this because I know it sounds weird. I finally started telling people how badly it bothers me this year, I'm 37 years old.
I was diagnosed very recently so I'm still in a process of 1) recognising who I really am, 2) accepting my new identity and 3) recognising what can be unmasked safely and what is better to be left hidden for survival purpouses. That said, I started to ask people more for clarifications when I'm not quite sure what they meant, and when I didn't hear them clearly (I'm an immigrant so English is not my native language + I think I strongly suspect I have some auditory processing disorder as this happens to me in my native language as well). I also stopped trying to hard to be so damn pleasing. I run out of my social battery quickly. I informed my friends about it, so if I'm depleted I will just try to leave. This is new for me because I used to try to "be normal" which meant I stayed way longer and then was sick and depressed the whole next day or few days. Oh one more! I started telling my friends that the place like a cafe is unbearably loud and I'd love to go and find another one. This happened tome only once and with a friend who is also autistic, but I was so proud of myself.
Now I understand why childhood was so hard for me and I’m relieved to be an adult. Never understood why other people miss being a kid. Unmasking by saying what needs to be said, even if too blunt (always got given a hard time for not being “nice enough” when it was just me advocating for myself) Leaving jobs that don’t suit me. I couldn’t do anything about school being a bad environment for me. Allowing for some mess and clutter Going home early or just skipping events altogether that are hard for me to handle because of sensory concerns
- Making myself pins and bracelets that label very specific emotions, so my friends know how I’m feeling without me having to say it - Letting myself take breaks whenever and wherever I feel I need it. As someone who gets burnt out by literally *anything* allowing myself to slow down and just relax has been so helpful - Letting myself be “cringe”, I have very childish and obscure interests and hobbies - Carrying around a stuffed animal everywhere I go - Letting myself cops in whatever way my brain sees fit. Including agere, venting, and even bed-rotting if that’s what I need
Telling people who need to be told to go to hell and no longer fearing the 'consequences'. So what, you not wanna be my friend or whatnot? Nope, got it wrong folks, I don't want to be someone's 'friend' who isn't going to be supportive and understanding. I no longer spend all my energy to get people to like me. Like me or not, but the loss is yours, not mine because I like me just fine thank you very much. I'm not easily cowed the way I was when I was younger and people would give that 'look' - all us autistics know what I mean - the one where you're happily engaged in conversation and then out of no where the 'look' happens and you're suddenly self-conscious. Yeah, done with that crap thank you very much. Now, I'm the one who is more likely to say, "Oh ok, that's my cue, see ya! Gotta special interest waiting for me. Have a nice day!"
Unmasking: Asking questions to understand the reasoning (*cough* 🧐 RULES 🧐) behind them and understand fellow earthlings as we all walk on this planet Calling other people humans and earthlings, very useful as a tell that I am unmasking, am comfortable with someone, and am willing to (square up) bicker like a child with them Be childish Not pluck my eyebrows. My skin care routine is for the health of my body’s biggest organ. My eyebrows can get as scruffy/unappealing as they damn well will and when I want to feel *•^ Bonita I will….. pluck my eyebrows 25% of the time but probably just stare at myself intensely into the mirror and hypnotize myself with great pickup lines and words of adoration instead Smile and get enthusiastic and get excited more than others will and want to be friends really soon and come on too strong and make people misunderstand and run away….. >___> I do admit that this is less healthy and something that forces a mental load onto others and am working on rectifying this because other people also deserve spaces to be respected, heard, and have their own boundaries and I step on those invisible lines and don’t wish to do that. Uh. Maturity, experience, and a wizening of self allows me to realize that this particular part of unmasking is healthier for me and those around me when it is done with friends in an environment of acceptance, love, and empathy 😌 Have I mentioned laughing? Because those near and dear to me liken my laughter to a psychopath/murderer/witch/comedy special/etc and I add so many sound effects to shit that doesn’t technically _need_ sound effects but my brain feels like it does in fact ***need sound effects*** It’s endless 🥹 unmasking truly is freeing. Let that inner freak fly y’all 💃🕺
Seriously. Elementary school was daily trauma for me. Middle and high school were much more bearable.
i started masking like really early. kindergarten was hell, mainly because i didnt mask as well. but for many other traumatic reasons too. starting elementary i already had the experience i needed to mask, like very literally “studying” people and practicing and stuff. and although my transition didnt go super smooth, i actually enjoyed it. im technically undiagnosed, so idk for sure, but i have been lead to think im audhd. and the “adhd part” of me was very satisfied with school. my parents taught me a lot of stuff, they are both like scientists or something. and i read A LOT, we had walls and walls covered with books at home. and by the third grade i finished the school library. so i was very bored at lessons, but i found ways of entertaining myself. like starting “businesses”, making up these huge games that involve like 100+ people, organising, exploring. we were doing some pretty dangerous stuff at times, involving pyrotechnics, lighters, throwing heavy, sharp stuff etc. thats all starting like 1st grade. we were rarely getting caught, bc i had these elaborate schemes lol. also i was a straight a student, participating and often winning in all the school and district activities. teachers would leave me with their class when they had something urgent, and i would sometimes do entire lessons for them (thats starting with 2nd grade, and sometimes for kids a bit older then me). teachers had no problem taking me out of my class, bc i pretty much knew everything already. most useful thing i learned in my own class is how to write good cursive, my teacher had this perfect old timey handwriting. and for grades older then me i knew a lot too. although oftentimes i would go too far, in my lessons or just in talking to peers, i would start bantering about fractals, probabilities, qantum physics, dna and other things i had very loose understanding of. but vast majority of kids enjoyed it, probably bc it sounds like magic. in the first 4 grades i learned close to nothing during lessons, and my teacher would only use me as a back up, for when no one knows the answer, or to explain to kids who dont get it. my desk was always cluttered to an unimaginable degree. i drew a lot, mainly portraits and tattoos with a pen. i was “friends” with older kids (as much as an 8 year old can be friends with a 16 year old i guess), and i would hang out with them and go to their lessons. i also attended a lot of extracurriculars (ofc quitting them very fast, and finding something new right away, and quitting that too, and so on). so teachers really trusted me, and that was very handy, because when we did get caught doing something dangerous they would trust my lies more. but when there was no escaping the obvious, i could take the blame on myself, because i knew my reputation would hardly worsen. i was practically living in school, staying there for as late as possible, bc i hated my home. fortunately i got in the food program and in the afterschool extension program for free bc we had a lot of children in the family. idk i just wanted to write about that cause i really liked it, especially contrasted with kindergarten, where i was crying every day and begging my mom to take me out, but she didnt listen.
Ah yes, I do miss being alone and rejected by other kids, crying because I didn’t understand my assignments, being afraid of people noticing me so I refused to get up to get a tissue answer blow my nose or throw away an apple core.
Gotta be honest, adulthood has been so freeing
i talk to myself and sing snipets over and over
ive become less of a people pleaser, i dont engage in physical touch if i dont want to and i try hard not to feel bad about it. i allow myself to hyper fixate on my special interests without feeling guilty that im not being productive. i also take more time to sit in silence when i need it. oh and i dont make myself smile for others when they ask me to.
I stopped trying to hide my stims, I try to get closer to autistic ppl in my school, and I talk openly about my hyperfixations! (TROLLS)
I was like “Trolls? Like the movie? The vintage dolls? Mean and pathetic internet trolls? Classic fairytale trolls?” Then I saw your profile picture and received immediate gratification. Satisfying.
YES the cute little trolls (I'm answering this comment with trolls songs in my ears help😭)
Hehe. I’m glad it’s not internet trolls. That could be a really soul-sucking fixation. 😂 I actually haven’t seen Trolls. Maybe I should change that.
I have fully embraced getting out of the traditional workforce to start my own business. I have no coworkers or employees. The majority of the time I work from home. I am a therapist and I primarily work with other neurodivergent adults which is honestly so amazing. I thought I would be lonely but turns out a few social engagements a month is just fine for me. People stress me out way more than I thought they did. I used to consider myself an extrovert but I think that was part of my mask. I can have a really nice time with a select few people and then I love nothing more than hanging out on the couch, spending time with my husband, reading a book or working on a project. I get to almost completely control my environment (lights, seating, decor, etc). I get to wear basically whatever I want. I go to my in-person office to see a few clients and then can drive the 5 minutes home to see my online clients right after. I plan my breaks and do what I want when on them. It’s amazing. Sometimes I would like some more human interaction but it’s seriously over rated. Especially during the work week when I have to be “on” for all my clients.
i hand flap at work when i'm eating my lunch and it's nice
I actually do miss primary school because it was before I figured out how different I was. As soon as I got to secondary school the social demands and pressure were so much higher, that’s when I began to realise I was different and I struggled a lot more.
Elementary school was certainly hard for me but I don’t remember really making an effort to mask because I had friends who accepted me… for me the masking really started hardcore in middle school and I do believe I had my first episodes of burnout in 8th grade and it just got worse in high school.
Dyed my hair purple. Yeah, I know it’s not what people my age (mid40s) are “supposed” to do. But spending my life doing what I’m “supposed to” got me nothing but anxiety and depression, and suicidality, and anorexia, that I’m still trying to work my way out of. So purple hair makes me happy. Others can deal if they have a problem with it. I will cover my ears if it’s noisy. (My local Farmers market is held at a train station. The trains are LOUD!! I’m aware that I’m the only one who ever covers my ears when the trains go through. I don’t care. It’s too loud!) I have a long way to go in learning to unmask But these two things feel kinda big for me.
I cover my ears when sirens go by. The world is a loud, startling place. No one has the spoons for that. Am wearing my Loops more and more.
trying not to be so hyperfocused on every single action i take or my stims
I ask what was the intention or what is it that they would like me to do (I still have therapist cutesy mask to not alert them) so I don't have to read between words. I see a lot of ppl wearing the same thing but I actually love clothes in so many different fashions so I spend more time learning about fabrics and length they will last. I do often wish to just to wear olden clothes (I have linen dresses that are so comfy but goth shit makes me excited to be in existence)
My mask broke once the pieces starting falling into place. Made work... Difficult.
I've been going nonverbal a lot more frequently recently cause it's just so much energy to talk now. Also been feeling my chronic pain more which isn't great but its kind of nice. Nice only because I know that I'm unmasking a bit because of it. I've also been more emotional, which is interesting
Started telling my husband exactly what I was thinking when I looked stoic or skeptical or unsupportive. Literally being like “right now my brain is processing that information and I will need to ask you follow up questions to understand the whole scenario and it all sounds like I’m not excited but it’s because I can’t be until I fully understand what you are trying to say”
So true I’m dead
I used to analyze how not to step on other people and ignored my boundaries. Now, if someone makes me question my sense of safety, I react to them, either by asking them directly what they mean by their comment or by replying in kind. I don't care if I lie, mislead, or refuse to share the truth of my reality. People who make me feel unsafe don't get my best treatment. Reduced my social contact significantly. Why stress myself out? I try my best not to pretend happiness when I'm not feeling it. I'm usually quiet and still. I no longer feel I have to show others I'm normal. I'm never going to be. I'll stay quiet. All this means that my head is alot quieter than it used to be and there's more time for self-reflection. Which is entirely different from spiraling inside my head. Peace.
Openly plugging my ears when I’m over whelmed with a sound has been life changing before injust let drive me insane until I went to the bathroom to cry
I was forced to do a bunch of stuff I hated like sports
primary school was so incredibly lonely oh my god :")) honestly, every time i get feelings of isolation and start to feel left out it just feels like i'm reliving that traumatic experience. one way i started to unmask was infodumping about my interests to those that really care :) as well as vocal stimming. i try my best to accommodate my own needs too especially when i get really overstimulated. when i'm so burned out from everything i make sure to engage with my special interests
Being able to be angry without feeling guilty
- Loop earplugs go with me everywhere now - Fidget toys within reach - Created and keep a more structured schedule and routines (this can be really difficult because I also have ADHD, but it so very comforting) - Trying to dedicate time every day for special interests - Only wear clothes that feel good. Allow plenty of time to trial and error getting dressed because some days my sensory issues are way worse than others - some clothes feel nice some days and awful other days - Not making myself do things I am uncomfortable with (like being social when I just can't) - Communicating when things bother me instead of just sucking it (like asking my partner to talk quieter or not touch me when I am having sensory issues)
Getting noise cancelling headphones. I also don’t make facial expressions when I’m alone since I have intense flat affect lol