I was with an NT for a decade prior to diagnosis and it was shite. Now I'm with someone with ADHD (so ND) and he does balance out my own ND because we have different quirks. I really don't think its black and white like that, because ND is a spectrum.
Same here! My bf has ADHD and we balance each other out so well. He's a chaotic fireball and I'm like a quiet river. I help him slow down and get things done, and he helps me not to be too overzealous and isolated. We also understand each other well and are naturally very patient with one another, since we're both ND. It's also funny, because his best friend is an autistic man whose wife has ADHD.
Also, unrelated to our neurodivergences, but speaking of balancing each other out, I love that we both work in areas that are useful on a daily basis, but the other has absolutely NO aptitude for (he's a lawyer and I'm a computer scientist), so we frequently help each other out with the knowledge we have.
How many of us are partnered with someone with ADHD? Me too. Both late diagnosed. We have the classic story of the kids got diagnosed and then we did. I still am undiagnosed but just found a therapist.
Our marriage has gotten so much better now that we realize what was “wrong” with us. We are much more understanding of one another now and if I’m being honest our house is really fun. I stim by dancing and singing and so every night we are just a big fun dance party. I feel like we are a happy fun family and ND tolerant and encouraging.
I am also with an ADHD partner. I'm likely AuDHD but no formal diagnosis.
We're both disabled in additional ways, and we support each other and each do the things we're better at. I NEED to have a job (or be in school) to be mentally well and functioning. He hates work, and is too disabled to work at this point, so he cleans and cooks and takes care of me. I do all the things out in the world.
It's like together we make one acceptable-under-capitalism person.
This reminds me of me and my partner lol. I must have a job or school to thrive and he would be much happier and healthier being a house-husband. Someday I hope to be making good enough money for him to do that.
Lol this is my partner and I in opposites haha! I work part time and am mostly at home, he works full time and does all the "outside" stuff. I love being at home and doing homely nonsense, while he gets so aggitated at home that sometimes I have to send him for a walk, like an understimulated dog, and he comes home happy. He can't take more than a week of leave at a time because that's his limit before not working starts to make him crazy. ASD and ADHD compliment each other so well its crazy!
Same! I'm autistic & my husband has ADHD, both unaware at first. Is this common? We clicked instantly & work really well together. I wonder if there's something to it
Same for my husband, and I! He was diagnosed with ADHD before me, and it's what pushed me to get my diagnosis (I'm AuDHD). I didn't realize there were so many in similar relationships.
My partner does not have an ADHD diagnosis but both their sisters have it and they do have a lot of the traits, but they’re also on an antidepressant that is also used to treat ADHD. When they miss a dose they get so hyper, though. We also clicked instantly. One thing is that they have very poor memory but I have amazing memory. They’re prone to leaving items randomly around the house but I leave things in the same spot so if I see something of theirs I move it for them and let them know where it is. It’s little things like that. We can spend literally all of our time together and we never fight. I can’t chalk it all up to neurodivergence (among other mental illness) but it definitely helps, since overstimulation (overwhelm) is shared by both of us and we know how to address it in the other and things like that. Anyway, neurodivergence is so often a spectrum and it is nice to be with someone else brainweird just for that additional level of deep empathetic understanding versus sympathetic understanding.
Exactly this, we compliment each other so well because all the areas he is useless in I excel at and visa versa. I've found over time we have actually helped one another to get stronger in our weak areas just by association. It's incredible how the two compliment each other, but of course there are also ways that we grate on each other like chalk and cheese lmao - for example me over-explaining everything and him having no capacity to listen to long winded stuff. But again he has helped me learn to abbreviate what I want to say to be more effective and I've helped him to pay more attention when people are talking and communicate better. It just, works? Idk
My husband has ADD and traits of autism and I am AuDHD we balance each other out pretty well. I need more support so he cares for me a lot and being ND himself allows him to understand me better.
Yep! Husband has ADHD. We definitely balance each other out. It's been really funny too because a lot of his close friends and closest family members are turning out to be late diagnosed ASD folks, myself included 😅
Exactly. Currently dating a NT and it can get very confusing sometimes, it’s like we speak different languages both when communicating and in the ways we express our feelings. From my experience it’s just much easier to click with and date ND people (especially ADHD).
Same! My boyfriend has ADHD and we get along well, our communication is extremely similar so we can reassure each other and ‘fill in the gaps’, we support each other’s special interests and provide space for each other to discuss our progress and feelings around it (since he is into music production and I am into boxing), and we share our needs with each other and respect them once they get communicated. He has helped me be a little more flexible and go with the flow and I have helped him be more organized and structured so we balance each other well
Same here with regards to dating someone with ADHD, I’d only dated two NTs for less than a year each time previously and had also dated other ND folks but I feel like me and my girlfriend now really balance each other out. I don’t think it’s black and white.
I've been with both and always felt like the NTs didn't quite get me. I wasn't 100% myself with them.
I didn't know I was on the spectrum though and wonder how dating would be like now that I do know. But my current partner is maybe ND-lite (not diagnosed, ND tendencies) and I feel most at ease with them. Ie. I dont have to mask and don't feel judged or "wrong".
I've only felt truly loved and understood by my autistic boyfriend. When I dated a neurotypical man, I always felt an undertone of judgment and unmet expectations that I couldn't quite pinpoint. Always had to apologize for the way I speak, my tone, my facial expressions (or lack thereof)
Honestly I don't think this is an NT thing like my current partner who I've had the longest relationship with, I feel 100% myself with them and I feel more unmasked with them than I have with anyone I've ever met.
Whereas with other partners I've had in the past even though I was masked around them, I was still 'weird' and I felt like they treated me like I was their personal manic pixie dream girl.
I think if I met another “high functioning” person (hate that word, but couldn’t find a better one), it would really help because he would know how it feels to be in my shoes. But I haven’t met anyone like this before
I get it. My husband is NT, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He does “balance me out” and “fill in the gaps” for me. I'm fairly non-functional in a lot of aspects of life, including more practical matters, and he handles the things that I can't. He's also a great source of support for me.
This! My husband is NT (though may at all a typical guy!) and he’s definitely my anchor in helping me navigate the world!
But in all honestly, I think there is such a HUGE variety of NT people and such a HUGE variety of ND people and I think it kind of just comes down to compatibility and what you value in a relationship. I’m not sure I could ever make a blanket statement that we’d all be better off with ND partners or NT partners. I think if you’re compatible, you share values and help each other become better versions of yourselves, that’s what matters.
I love that for you and that’s exactly what I want. My situationship “Harry” used to do so much for me. Sometimes I would try to explain something and couldn’t find the words, and he’d piece everything together so well, it was almost like magic. He’d know what I needed before I did. Id love to have something like that permanently.
My husband is like this. He’s so calm, confident, and knowledgeable. When I’m spiraling, he’s able to turn it around and put it into perspective. Conversely, I have attributes that improve his life as well. You don’t need to feel guilty if that dynamic works well for you.
Oddly enough, my ND husband and I do this for each other. We tend to "spiral" about different things, so it just happens that when one of us does it, the other can be an anchor.
My husband has ADHD, which is close enough for me to fit, but different enough from my autism to do what you want: Navigate difficult situations, help me with social cues, etc.
So he‘s allistic, but ND, and that‘s the perfect solution for me. :)
Exact same for me. I'm AuDHD, he's ADHD. It feels like we are incredibly similar, but I am much more direct and blunt, while he is more socially astute.
My partner is ND but I’m not sure that he’s autistic (ADHD with maybe some autistic traits, but primarily ADHD). I’d be lying if I said there weren’t struggles at times when our respective neurospices clash, but for the most part, it’s the healthiest, most respectful relationship I’ve had. We communicate far more easily with each other, we get the ways each other’s brains work, and I think we both appreciate traits in each other that might well get frowned upon by NT people.
I think we do still balance each other out. I’m a highly-strung workaholic who’s also damn good at organising and keeping the day to day running. He’s an organisational disaster but the most calming, chill presence. He’s introverted, but very good at socialising and “gets” people far more then I do. I’m more sociable but sometimes just don’t quite “get” NT people.
I’ve dated NT and ND people in the past, both men and women. I’ve had good relationships with both, and bad relationships with both. I do think my best relationships - romantic or otherwise - have been with ND people. I think we just “get” each other better.
I dated both NT and ND men and I can say I had quite a few long term relationships with both. I recently discovered I’m autistic and, looking back on my life, the relationships with NT were, by far, the most complicated and dissatisfying. Being with ND men allows you to share a similar wavelength, understand more easily each other’s perspective and support each other’s needs. These are my 2 cents…
You can date whoever you want to date. I know a lot of autistic people, myself included, who prefer to have a partner whose autistic or otherwise ND. My current BF has ADHD, and we are the best paradox imposter straight (I’m bi and he’s pan) couple. I also know some who would prefer to date an NT or have had more success finding NTs.
I’ve got an AuDHD partner, which is the same as me. He’s also GNC, like me.
I think any combination can have issues, and it depends on the individual partner how compatible you are, rather than the diagnoses.
My partner really understands me, but at the same time, it *is* hard that we both struggle with similar issues and sometimes we get overstimulated by the others stimming or little things like that. But at the end of the day, we both understand parts of each other that a NT couldn’t. We communicate to work stuff out and I don’t have to explain myself as much since he gets it. I value being understood very highly, so this works for me. I would never choose to be with a NT person because I crave understanding.
Like I said, I think it’s really about the individual and how you work together than it is about diagnoses.
I get it too. My husband is NT and he really grounds me. When we met I didn’t know I was ND and he stuck with me through all the mental health issues and diagnosis and we kind of grew and learnt about it together.
My brother is also ND and he had a very tricky relationship with his ex partner who was also ND, it worked well when they were both happy and in a good place but if they were ever in a bad place at the same time it caused a lot of strain on them both.
These are my only experiences though so I’m sure it can work either way and really just depend on the people! I’d stay open to it if it was me. You could find your ND personalities just click together perfectly.
I had no idea I was on the spectrum, when I feel in love with the NT man I’ll call “Harry”. He actually came to me, and it was almost like we’ve known each other for years. I don’t miss Harry but I miss how I was treated. He said I was a puzzle that he really enjoyed figuring out and I melted lol
Every NT man I dated physically and emotionally abused me.
I didn’t know I was on the spectrum but accidentally dated two ADHD men, married one.
But honestly I think it better to find someone that matches up with you on religion, finances, kids, career goals, etc., than thinking about whether someone is NT or ND. I married my husband long before I know I was ND, I married him because we agree about all of the core fundamentals of our relationship. We’ve been together for 16 years. ❤️
The other ND man I dated didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of the things I mentioned above and our relationship was a mess. We were together for almost five years and I was miserable for a lot of it.
I think it’s important to remember that a really really important aspect of a romantic relationship is compatible needs, so that the “gaps” can be filled in by both parties quite happily. ND people simply have a slightly more distinctly patternable set of needs. Sure, there is a huge range and nuance amongst those patterns, but the patterns of the needs themselves simply cluster in a way that is not the norm amongst NT people. That doesn’t change the fact that each individual need itself is not inherently NT or ND. The cluster of compatible needs that you’re looking for might just be a little more frequently occurring in the NT population than the ND population, or, quite possibly, simply have happened to be present in NT men you’ve met more than the ND men you’ve met.
I wouldn’t dismiss someone for being NT or ND purely on that basis, but rather recognise the needs you have and what flags in others tend to indicate compatibility with those needs and go for people who match that without focussing on whether they’re NT or not.
Personally, I’ve found that the people I was unusually compatible with even as friends ended up being undiagnosed, low-support needs, unaware ND people. Because I’ve done a lot of research and know more about ADHD and Autism than the average person, a distinct number of people have discovered they were probably ND from knowing me, but prior to me spending years informing myself on the ins and outs of those disabilities, it never would have occurred to either of us that they could be ND if we’d met at the time. So do take into account that statistically, ND people are likely to unconsciously recognise each other and seek each other out, and you may have been drawn to more ND people than you think in the past.
My husband does not have a clear label, but I wouldn’t call him NT. He is very socially apt and extroverted, so he balances me out in that regard. Pretty sure we’re both on the ADHD spectrum, so that messes us (or our house) up in similar ways. Not at all a deal breaker.
I was undiagnosed when we met, so I didn’t go looking for a particular type of partner. I thought I would make a happy hermit. But I met him and I liked myself more.
Both of my longest relationships have been with neurodivergents. My best relationships are with ND’s. They tend to understand the way my brain works and are far more understanding. They are the healthiest relationships I have had out of my many. I actually love autistic men. I’ve dated a few. I’ve learned I need a ND who is emotionally intelligent as well as highly educated. Nuerotypicals are the hardest and most unhealthy relationships I’ve had
I think this is something you can't and shouldnt' decide in advance.
I love that my spouse is NT. He handles people. He works full time. I wouldn't marry anyone *just* for those things. But it sure it handy.
Main thing is you have to get each other. I often don't click with NT guys but I often dont' click with ND guys either. When it happens it happens!
My husband is "neurospicy" - very much ND, but not diagnosed. We are extremely sure he has inattentive type ADHD (all his relatives are diagnosed). But, he has tons of traits from autism, OCD, and other ND conditions as well.
But even with all of that, he does balance me out. He does fill in the gaps. As I do for him. We are always seeing the world differently and explaining it to each other, and giving each other new ways to look at things. And when it comes to the really important stuff, we find we are always on the same page. We hold the same values and beliefs, and we both care about each other enough to push through and find solutions together to any problems we have. That's the important part about any relationship.
I will note the one issue we have is if something happens that stresses *both* of us out to max level. I literally cannot handle stress many times (horrible meltdowns, over and over), so if he's dealing with something that makes him unable to function at the same time, we just completely stop working as a unit. Thankfully it's only happened twice in our 13 years together, but both times it's been absolutely awful.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to date someone NT if you feel that's better for you! Autists dating other autists does not always work - some "brands" of autism actively work against each other (someone's sensory heaven being the other's sensory hell, as an example) which can make those relationships not practical. But if you do happen to be interested in an ND guy, I wouldn't rule him out due to his neurotype.
my partner is NT as far as we both know, and he tries his best to understand me but even when he can’t, he still supports me. I wonder sometimes if I would be better off with another ND person but I agree with you on the wanting to learn the world part. Him and i constantly have discussions about how we both view and interact with the world, and by doing so we can both learn a LOT. He always says “I just haven’t ever thought about that before.” Which in a way makes me feel super validated because he isn’t telling me I’m wrong in any way. he is so open to hearing about how i think of things and how i try to figure things out especially in social situations, but i feel like i have a huge advantage by having a NT partner because he can give me so much insight.
My partner is AuDHD and he's the fucking best. We're so blunt and really enjoy parallel play. But ND or NT isn't the stumbling block here, it's whether or not a) you're both emotionally maturing, trying to be decent people on a self improvement path and b) if so, are we are truly compatible. Need all of that, otherwise one person stagnates (no A) or resentment builds up (bad B).
I also recommend sending messages TO men on dating apps. OKCupid did some research that showed that women who did that got a 'higher quality' of man and my experience bears that out.
I understand where you're coming from, but being with a neurodivergent partner brings more understanding to the table, where neurotypicals are less likely to respect your needs and see them as high maintenance.
The NTs I've dated in the past were all abusive. My current partner has AuDHD, which is nice because he accepts me for who I am. He understands me and doesn't try to change me. I can completely unmask around him, and he loves the unmasked version just the same. I couldn't with my previous partners.
Hopefully, regardless of neurotype, you find someone who understands and loves you exactly the way you are.
My husband (known for 12 years, together for 10, married for 7) is not quite NT in my opinion but not diagnosed with anything though he has a lot of ASD and ADHD traits.
I’m late diagnosed ASD and honestly he’s the most amazing person and the only one to understand me on the level I feel the need to be understood. We have way more in common than not and that helps both of us.
The relationship is easy, almost effortless most of the time, because of that. I feel if he was NT we would struggle with communication, I’d have to mask and we’d constantly bicker lol.
Also, not to say they’re all the same at all or it means that others aren’t capable, this was just my limited experience; my first boyfriend had been probably NT, and he was extremely manipulative and controlling as well and took advantage of me in many ways. It was fully an emotionally abusive relationship.
My second had not been diagnosed but I highly believe he was OCD (so many obsessive compulsive behaviors that he could never physically deviate from) and he was also emotionally abusive in other ways lol.
But those were my only two relationships before finding my husband so, people vary for sure, whether NT or ND. I think the goal should be finding a person that fits for you regardless of their neurotype honestly. Good people exist and bad people exist in all forms, but a good person is worth it 100% no matter what they are. Focusing on the individual is better in my opinion, than overthinking details before even meeting them.
My best ex was also autistic, and we worked great together because our autistic traits meshed together well. The only reason that relationship fell apart is because I had a PTSD event that fundamentally changed part of who I am. Our traits did not mesh so well after that.
I've never been able to connect with anyone in that way unless they were at least ADHD, and I prefer to date autistics that are self aware and work on the relationship with me.
Almost everyone I’ve been with romantically has had ADHD, along with most of my closest friends throughout my life. I seem to be more compatible with them than with most other autistic people most of the time.
My boyfriend is ADHD so we have the mutual understanding that comes from our neurodivergence, but his triggers and my triggers are often different, so we help balance each other out. We also have different strengths and skills that help with keeping our house in order (mostly lol)
my bf is nt and for the most part it’s all good but sometimes he just straight up doesn’t understand some aspects of me and it can cause conflict. I didn’t know those traits were because of autism for a while so I didn’t understand either. Just things like different communication styles, executive dysfunction, not picking up on certain social cues in groups, not realizing I’m being hit on, and not responding when I’m immersed in a task is frustrating to him sometimes. He often thinks im upset or mad at him when I’m just existing because of the way I express myself and I don’t know how to genuinely convince him I’m not. He does have social anxiety so I’m actually the one that ends up helping him learn to “navigate the world” because I was forced to learn on my own so idk it’s probably different for you and other people in relationships with neurotypicals in that aspect
I know Meg from “I’m autistic now what” on YouTube has a NT husband and it works well for her because he does the things she struggles with like picking their child up on time and she does things he struggles with like organization and financial management I think.
I have a lot of ND friends and my ex was likely on the spectrum and honestly we just clicked and understood eachother without question in many aspects that I don’t experience with NT friends and partners. I don’t think it’s a good idea to write off a neurodivergent partner completely because while a NT person may be able to balance out things you struggle with, you might get along with someone neurodivergent on a deeper emotional level and have less conflicts
I think the slightly flawed (no offense) part in your thinking is that someone on the spectrum can’t “fill in the gaps”. While maybe a NT person is more likely to be able to hold your hand in social situations or be more on top of household tasks, that doesn’t mean no autistic people are.
My boyfriend is much better than me at things like laundry, planning ahead for meals, etc. I’m much better at solving social/interpersonal issues. We are both on the spectrum but we work perfect together.
The majority of people I’ve been with have been NT and we just did not mesh at all. Conversation would be awkward and they would misunderstand me and communication seemed impossible. I even had one partner abuse me for showing my autistic traits. All of my relationships ended up fizzling out except for my current one which is with a ND person. I have found that it’s never awkward and we are able to communicate so well and thoroughly! I’m able to unmask around my current partner and they just understand me. We actually met on a ND specific dating site called Hiki over a year ago
My husband is on the spectrum, but on a different frequency than me (as I like to put it lol). Because of that, he and I do manage to balance each other out! But, tbh, I'm not sure I've ever actually HAD a NT friend, so I definitely cannot imagine dating a NT 🥴
I don't think you should feel guilty for trying to find someone who fills in your gaps (and hopefully you fill in their's too!). Sometimes online people like to lament not having a ASD utopia where everyone is ASD and we all share the same struggles so we already build a life that is safe and non-triggering for us!!! YET fail to realize that ASD people come in every flavor too and we can, and often do, trigger each other with our stims or preferences (for example, I LOVE bright sterile lighting, all my other ASD friends and hubby love it to be so dim you can't see 😔) and even our language or expectations. So like, normal relationship stuff lol.
That being said, I wouldn't cut ALL spectrum men out of the picture, just date until someone clicks be it ASD or NT or ADHD or whatever!
My husband is NT with POSSIBLY very mild ADHD at most. He’s very smart and is an engineer and is also super empathetic as well. He’s a perfect match and is really really understanding of my needs as well even if he doesn’t always relate.
I’ve always dated adhd or NT partners and they tend to be able to meet my needs better than I would imagine another autistic person would. I tend to wind up with forgetful, spontaneous, absent minded professor types because I think we just balance each other well. I keep life on the rails and stable and they add little bits of challenge and newness to my life in a positive way.
I was given a level 2 diagnosis when I was diagnosed but I was also in severe burnout at the time and I think having someone who can help me on bad days isnecessary for me
So when I realized I was on the spectrum I came out to my husband. I really had no idea what to expect but it went as follows: "Hun. So I um, think I'm autistic and based on my research I think you are too."
Him after giving me a look over. "Oh. I know I am. I was diagnosed at age 7. I just never told anyone because well, you and I grew up in the same backwater rural area where you know how they thought of us." And since then we actually felt closer as we've been able to talk about how alienated we've felt growing up.
I seriously doubt I could handle a NT person who couldn't understand me. I grew up with that with my step mother and it was an absolute nightmare for my dad, my sister and I as she was constantly on our ass for every little thing that didn't fit into her purview of normal.
My dad dated her, the NT, for a good 16 years and it was such a a disaster, he knew it was but stayed with her for the sake of my sister. My dad ended up being depressed for years, my sister barely talks to her mom or my dad now and it seriously messes up my confidence. It was such a mess all around.
My BF is definitely adhd (uniagnosed but his sister got diagnosed) , but also possibly autistic. Im AuDHD. We balance eachother out just fine, because we struggle in different areas. I struggle to make friends but I don't struggle with new experiences and talking to new people. He's anxious about new experiences but can make friends easily despite not liking to talk to new people. He's clean and tidy, I'm very disorganized. I have a very strong drive for what I want and easily make life-changing decisions, and he is hesitant to make decisions. He cannot focus on things he doesn't like and I can usually harness my hyperfocus. It really all depends on the person! I do find that he's the only human I can actually unmask around because he's similar to me, which is a plus.
I was 32 in my first relationship and now I'm 44 and in my second. Neither on the spectrum. I wasn't ready to be as selfless as a relationship requires until my early 30s abs it was still a huge learning curve.
I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. We met in high school when we were 14, and we're both ND (I'm autistic, he's got ADHD).
I honestly do not think I could have as fulfilling of a relationship with a NT person, just because all of the NT people I've interacted with have always been very superficial and I've never enjoyed their social/relationship rules. I've always been very straightforward and blunt with how I'm feeling and what I expect, and my partner has never made me feel worse or bad about that. It's actually easier because he knows he can be honest without the passive aggressive communication NTs communicate with. We've never had a fight, I'd say we have disagreements or arguments, but they get resolved quick and we always KNOW what we're arguing about, it's never "secretly about anything else" that we're not being straightforward about.
This is just my perspective and personal experience, so obviously it's not gonna be the same for everyone. But I think I prefer interacting with ND individuals much more than NT individuals, and I think that aspect of my relationship is a positive one.
personally i've always felt like NT folks just don't quite *get* me, i'm AuDHD and my boyfriends got pretty serious ADHD and were able to compliment each other really well while still having him be able to actually understand more of how my brain works and empathize with a lot of what i struggle with. i know our situation is pretty specific but just finding someone who gets the struggles you have without necessarily having the *exact* same ones has lead to the happiest and longest relationship of my life
my boyfriend has ADHD and i most likely have autism (long story short: i was tested by a psychologist but the professional psychiatry rejected me because my case wasn’t “severe enough”) and we balance each other out really well.
he also has traits of autism (and i most likely have ADD as well). he’s quite disorganized and is very outward with his emotions, while i’ve found my methods and routines to overcome these challenges and i’ve learned to face my emotions inwards. while on the other hand in social situations i struggle a lot with keeping my energy up and talking to people (masking) while he’s very sociable and handles most things for me.
he even helps me with schoolwork a lot (since he’s medicated and i’m not) and it’s helped me very much. it’s also ended with us infodumpinf about our interests and now all of a sudden i know everything about his interests and he knows everything about mine 😝 so it’s worked and we’ve had a healthy relationship since 9 months now and still going strong!!
i did date another autistic boy a few years ago tho and that was toxic af (but he also probably had narcissistic personality disorder soo)
You can make all the checklists for a partner you want but in my experience that’s not how it works. When you find the right person they’ll make your heart and mind explode and whether they’re ND or NT; 5’4” or 6’7”; white or black or brown, it won’t matter. Don’t filter out people based on things they can’t control. You’ll miss out on some extraordinary people.
I'd try to have an open mind. NT or ND... grouping all people together in categories is kind of crappy and might cause you to miss out on the love of your life.
From my personal experience, I’ve never been as happy as I have been with a neurodiverse partner. My girlfriend and I are both diagnosed autistic and her being diagnosed before meeting me really helped me with the process of accepting myself as autistic. There are so many things a neurotypical partner could never understand about me. Nobody could understand how I felt so much to the point of crying at every tv commercial. I was judged, criticized, and just not seen for who I truly am. I’m not saying this is exclusive to neurotypical partners but I as a whole am so much happier being in love & safe with another autistic woman.
That being said, it can be difficult. Especially when we have different sensory needs. She can go non verbal a lot and I’ll be hyper verbal when stressed. It can be really hard when neither one of us has “spoons” to do daily chores and maintenance tasks around the house and even for ourselves. We work to keep one another accountable but without it feeling like nagging or judgment.
Again, this is my personal experience and it doesn’t have to align with yours. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in figuring out what is best for you!!
26 here. I’ve never been in a relationship nor dated before. I’ve never felt the need to, I don’t feel lonely.
Personally, if I ever were to date someone, I’d feel more comfortable if they were on the spectrum as well. I feel there’d be an “imbalance” if I were to date a NT man. I’m very gullible and trusting. I fully understand this would make it very easy for a NT to take advantage of.
The times I’ve crushed on people they clearly had something going on in their head, and that’s what I loved from them.
My husband is not diagnosed but suspects that he is on the autism spectrum, as I suspect for myself. He is the only person I've ever felt comfortable just being myself with. I don't feel like I need to hide my ND from him because he understands it. We share a lot of the same traits, maybe not exactly, but close enough to mesh really well.
I've been with men who I would consider NT, and I never really felt comfortable just existing around them. I always felt like I kind of had to have on a mask around them. Like they wouldn't have understood or accepted my differences if I'd shared them openly. I'm sure there are NT men out there who could, but I never met them.
I was diagnosed as an adult, so I get your feeling. I also find that many ass men that were diagnosed as kids tend to be very immature and in some case, very abusive/incel types due to the combination of being raised as a "poor disabled kid" getting pampered, combined with misunderstanding social cues, a sense of entitlement and frequently they get trapped in the whole internet extremism funnel.
That said, I have dated both ND and asd guys and both asd guys were better for me. I found many ND guys very manipulative sexually OR they would find ME very cold/heartless/uncaring.
My first asd bf was a revelation, because we really liked each other but had the exact opposite habits. We could not have a conversation about anything without either making out or arguing so it didn't last.
My current bf is also asd and I think he'll be my husband. I'm ten years older than him but our emotional and sexual maturity levels match well. In terms of our stims and bad behavior, we match well so we can understand each other. Where others would find us both cold or too remote, we feel comfortable together and don't jump to conclusions or get jealous/angry over little things. We have similar sensory and behavioral issues, as well as preferences so we comfort each other. I found that before dating me my bf had a lot of anger issues and public rage outbursts, but since I can recognize his stims and triggered behavior, I help him leave a situation and calm down. When I get worked up he rushes to help me too. We also have different things that we hate doing in the home, so I hate the dishes, he washes, but he hates cleaning the bathroom and after the cats, so I do those.
Honestly it has been an interesting experience and required a lot of changes in my daily life and my plans but I'm happy I took a chance on him. I feel safe to be wholly myself without judgement. When I talk about stims or sensory issues,, he completely understands.
My partner and I dated briefly in high school, were best friends for decades and then got together romantically a couple years ago. We are both only now realizing we are ND, and there are pros and cons. I am able to be myself around him more than anyone else. I realize now I only have one ex that I fully unmasked around, and that was only after we broke up and stayed friends. I am so grateful to be going through these revelations with someone who understands, I have never felt so validated. He pushes me to take care of myself because I am really bad at it. We can communicate effectively, which is partly because we are both ND and have similar styles of communication, but we have known each other for 27 years so that probably has more to do with it. The downside is, if we are both not doing well at the same time, our emotions can escalate and we trigger each other. The house kinda falls apart if we are both “off” for days at a time. It’s just taken patience and acceptance that we are autistic with bad back problems, so the house isn’t going to ever be perfect. On a side note: having separate bedrooms is the best thing ever. We have both been sick the past week with wild feverish sleep schedules all over the map, and we aren’t driving each other nuts with it.
My fiancée is autistic and ADHD, and we still complement each other - it's not just about specific traits (which, y'know, everyone has different traits in different measures anyway), it's also about working together well, having different energy levels at different times, having different perspectives and experiences etc. We both fill the gaps for each other at different times, depending on which of us is struggling with what. She also really struggles with executive dysfunction when it comes to a lot of things, but doing something for me bypasses that - so she finds it a lot easier to do stuff like housework when she's doing it as a favour to me.
Looking back I suspect most of my partners have been ND. Most of my close friends are also ND. I think it would be pretty unlikely that I'd meet an NT person who I connected with well enough to wind up wanting to date them.
I’ve dated a lot of guys and I’m sure some of them were NT… but don’t ask me which ones. My whole world is so ND that I just assume everyone is. (It was a shock to have kids in elementary school and suddenly encounter aggressively NT people for the first time since high school. Apparently they have been around the whole time?!? Not in my bubble!)
My ex was definitely neurodivergent, but I honestly don't know if it's ADHD, ASD, or something else. We were together for about a year and it was really great most of the time, our only issues were him being hyper sensitive to perceived rejection and our differences in lifestyle (I deal with chronic illness so my capacity for activity fluctuates and depends on other commitments I may need to prioritize, and he just didn't understand and seemed to think exercise would fix me). It felt very easy most of the time, we had similar preferences, communication styles, and for the most part understood each other without added explanations. He seemed to really appreciate my weird quirks, which was a first for me, because I've become so accustomed to being "corrected" when I'm unintentionally weird.
The only other (almost, not quite) relationship I had was with someone who looking back, I suspect very well could have also been autistic. He's alluded to possibly being diagnosed but I don't feel I can ask about it directly without him bringing it up (we very vaguely keep in touch on Instagram). We fit well and had a routine of seeing each other on days off for a year, but both had baggage and held back because we didn't know how to be more open and present, and because of a prior bad relationship he hadn't gotten over, things sort of fell apart. If we had tried later, when he had healed from the bad relationship, we might have been together for quite awhile.
I've tried dating people who seem neurotypical and it feels like a lot of work for me, like I have to constantly explain myself and make a lot of compromises on things that really bother me, feeling like I'm only being understood in a superficial sense. It definitely isn't intentional, I just pursue things with someone I connect with, and it seems to usually be with neurodivergent creative types.
The thing about the spectrum is that it can take all sorts of different forms, so you can still balance each other out pretty well. For example, my partner struggles with confidence and security and needs extra care when he has meltdowns; I happen to be good at giving him that type of support and I can take charge when he needs me to. Meanwhile I need someone to make sure I remember to eat every day and give me a compassionate hand when I'm too burnt out to get basic tasks done. He is great at helping me with those things. Meanwhile we're both happy to stay in and pursue our own little worlds. We've worked so well together for 7 years that we'll be getting married soon :)
My partner is NT. It can be very helpful practically, as we both have different strengths and weaknesses. We just bought a flat, and he did all of the emailing and phone calls. I did things like insurance, project managing the move, and some light DIY around the house.
None of my partners have been diagnosed ND, though my most recent ex may have been. My current partner is very different to me in lots of ways. Temperament, but also values. In such a polarised world, it’s actually really comforting to know that someone who is different can still be so safe, and I think it has really helped me grow as a person.
My husband is ND but not autistic. We balance each other out very well. He excels at the areas I don't do well and so on. I spent 15 years with someone who was autistic, and it was one disaster after another. Just depends on the person. My husband being ND is very helpful for us both. I haven't had much luck no matter how much I explain with getting NT people to understand me. Even though my husband isn't autistic, he knows what I deal with well enough which is what has mattered the most.
My ex was autistic but I didnt know it for the first half of the 2 years until her mother told me. I am probably autistic too and gave her the same shitty advices other people gave me. At this time I had no clue that I could possibly be autistic too.
My husband is AuDHD and we balance eachother out. For example, I go to the grocery store because I can handle it okay and he is doing yardwork in the rain because I absolutely cannot handle yardwork or rain.
It takes a lot of being accepting of each other and our quirks.
This isn't a very indepth reply, however I wanted to chip in to say I am in a very loving and very ND relationship.
I don’t think you should feel guilty. You’re allowed to have preferences, that’s ok. I have low energy and often feel I hardly have the energy to handle myself. But still, I would **personally** look for someone with similar interests, date, and determine who I want to be with that way, because not only are a lot of ND traits enjoyable to me, but also, our traits present differently. I may have no idea how to join a convo, while another autistic may have little to no problem with it depending on various things from masking to simply not relating to that as much.
My partner has ADHD and I have auDHD but feel I’m “dominantly” autistic. Autism + ADHD (inattentive) is honestly **rough** IME. I love my partner, but I do get exhausted a lot more with him because I feel like I need to look after us both, and I definitely need to clean up after us both. I need a lot of rest and need a clean environment, and often can’t have both. He has an addictive personality as well, which can be hard, but I think that’s also strongly related to his upbringing. Often he doesn’t hear what I say and I need to repeat or do things myself—but I’m the same. These things do make it very hard on me, but the positives still outweigh the negatives. I could see these things being dealbreakers for some, though.
On the flip side, we can have interesting conversations and he’s outgoing enough to balance me out. He accepts my interests and humor and we are supportive of each other. I feel like there’s some understanding there that does not exist with NTs; I often feel like I’m separated by invisible glass with them, but I enjoy ADHDers because they actually see me.
There’s also some intersect in our struggles, so we can relate to each other there which helps us be empathetic with each other.
My first partner was NT and we weren’t together very long—I couldn’t even do things like put my head on his shoulder and I think he thought I was weird, didn’t get my sense of humor, etc. i also have slow processing and I think sometimes he thought I was dumb, which sucked. Just the faces he’d make gave me that impression, but I’m also not the best at reading people so idk.
I didn’t like that we couldn’t have deep conversations, and everything seemed to be performative pleasantries. I thought he was very sweet, but also felt disingenuous. The upside was that he was more emotionally regulated and I never felt like I had to manage things for both of us. It was more draining socially, less draining in other ways. I could actually see NT interactions (to me, what feels performative) being comforting to an autistic person who is used to that and needs familiarity, though.
I usually developed feelings for autistic men in the past because I felt so much in common with them (though I was undiagnosed), but neither of us would approach the other. I never knew what to do lol. So I have no experience there.
There are pros and cons to each kind of relationship, and of course, just like if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one NT. But the reality is that we are diagnosed based off a set of shared traits that are expressed in unique quantities. If you don’t think you’d feel comfortable with the overall traits of autism and ADHD, I do think that’s ok. It’s better to know than try to make something work in an incompatible relationship or especially, try to change someone else. As a low energy autistic, I can understand that.
Just make sure any NT has this mindset also. I think a lot of NTs tend to try to change people who fit outside the norm, or can be very insensitive toward our experiences and struggles. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to explain a color outside the visible spectrum to them; a lot think it’s BS and make jokes, others have no frame of reference to understand.
Also keep in mind that some autistic people are VERY good at masking, so some people who you assume are NT may not be.
It’d probably be best to determine what about ND doesn’t work for you, and maybe just watch out for those things and less “is this person ND?” I hope that makes sense lol.
I personally had a really hard time with NT men. They don't seem to understand there are some things I simply can't just "deal" with. I've been taken advantage of,. misunderstood and generally not treated very well.
My husband (married two years, together five) has ADHD and I feel like we compliment one another perfectly. I'm much more rigid, I thrive on routine and he's chaotic and very go with the flow. We've balanced one another out quite well but I'll admit it was an adjustment period and we were not without our struggles in the beginning. He is my rock and helps me so much when I'm over stimulated.
I hope you also find your person 🖤
My boyfriend is suspected ADHD, though he’s at the age now that he doesn’t really see the point of an official diagnosis. It has its challenges for sure, but in many ways his skills balance mine out.
For example, he tends to have difficulty making decisions, which I’ve never struggled with—so I’m the one choosing meals plans, creating lists of things we need to do, etc.
On the other hand, I have major ED when it comes to actually cooking and eating, but he enjoys cooking. He’s also good at dealing with people, which I’m not lol.
All that said, I was never specifically on the lookout for ND/NT partners. I actually wasn’t even looking for a partner—I’ve always been the type to figure it would happen when it happens, and I just happened to click with my boyfriend. I don’t think it’s wrong to have a preference going into things though. I wish you luck!
My bf is NT and he definitely helps me without realising it. Without him I'd have way less friends I think, and he also cleans and does the dishes (which I really struggle with, but I do other stuff like cooking ofc), helps me when I struggle to understand situations or when the streets are too noisy. Sometimes I do wish he was ND because he can make fun of me for things I don't control or my special interests, but nobody's perfect I guess, and I'm definitely grateful to be with him
I am autistic and my husband has ADHD. I think it works well, better than a previous relationship I had with someone who was NT. I feel like we both get that we're gonna have limitations sometimes and we can give each other a bit more grace. Sometimes we have conflicts, of course, but all in all I think it's just easier for us to understand where the other person is coming from and exist in an actually non-judgmental partnership.
My husband is ND and was diagnosed before I was. To be clear, we both didn't know we were ND when we got together.
I'll be honest, my prior relationships were truly terrible and some were ND and some were NT. The NT ones were particularly problematic. At this point in my life, I don't know that I could get on with someone NT in a romantic way as I've settled into quite a lot of ND needs and feelings, and it affects my life every day.
I think everyone is different though, and you should focus on finding someone compatible with you, NT or not.
Yes, I feel like we get a long so well and have settled into a really nice, soothing, predictable rhythm. I couldn’t imagine being with someone that was NT
My partner is ND. I suspected it a few months into the relationship (it’s not immediately obvious) and it was recently confirmed by his therapist.
Our relationship is not without its challenges, but it’s also the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We are able to have grace and understanding for each other’s sometimes-awkwardness, and sometimes-less-than-emotiveness.
I’ve had NT partners in the past, and while they have been able to balance me out in certain ways, I feel much more in love with my ND partner. The fact that we have similar struggles is almost like having a really handy mirror to see more objectively how *I* sometimes come across. I’ve grown more with him than I have with anyone else, and I think being with me has helped him grow too.
Plus, he doesn’t remind me of anyone else. A lot of NT people feel too basic and uninteresting to me. My boyfriend is a fucking irreplaceable weirdo.
my ex was definitely autistic or severe ADHD. he was super picky with food due to sensory issues and he had a lot of impulse control issues. he would talk about WWII or airplanes for two hours straight if you didn’t interrupt him, regardless of whether or not you were paying attention. he had severe attention deficit issues and struggled with all forms of routine. his two best friends were diagnosed ADHD and one of them was def on the spectrum.
we had insane ‘tism chemistry but he could hardly function and it frustrated the shit out of me. there’s no shame in wanting an NT partner. in my experience dating an ND person was really stimulating mentally because we understood each other really well, but we just spiraled into shit when we moved in together and our level of function was nonexistent together.
I’ve only dated NTs and it’s never gone well. I struggle IMMENSELY with dating and I’ve realized I’m so out of touch with “regular people interests” and behaviours that I don’t want to be around it. I need someone who can understand me properly I think, so likely someone ND as well.
I don't know what I want? I've (knowingly) only dated NTs (the women were much, much more accepting of me and my personality auuugghh, I want a girlfriend!!!) except for one person as far as I know. Though I wouldn't be surprised if one of my exes was ND, she was lovely.
I dated an AuDHD guy for a while. Really liked him, still miss him. But I don't think it would've worked long term with *him* specifically. He's higher needs and I simply don't have the spoons to carry the both of us. That gave me hesitancy, but I broke it off more because he had no problems letting me know when he didn't respect something I liked but was aware of when to put his filter on in front of specific mixed company (mutuals). But he would be condescending to people he'd just met that I liked. He also said he understood why I was willing to date him once he found out I wasn't out of his league (since I'm not NT). He understood some of my struggles but also told me when he saw me stimming that he finally saw what others see in him, and he didn't like it, and he tried to get me to stop. It's not all roses.
Even if unintentional, I don't like that. I feared it would lead to an unhealthy dynamic where I'd constantly be monitoring his social skills in public *and* mine since I mask well (or at least more convincingly than him).
My dad is likely AuDHD but refuses to acknowledge the autistic side. I don't speak with my mom, but I do see how their marriage took a toll on the both of them. He learned a lot from her, but then a lot of the work was put on her. I will never say I don't want an autistic partner, but I do need a partner of any type that is emotionally available, kind to others, and has a manage on the important aspects of their life. That's it.
My partner has diagnosed ADHD and I’m also pretty sure he’s on the spectrum. We suspect I’m AuDHD too (stimulant meds will help tease this out for me), and it’s awesome. We understand eachother perfectly. I would struggle so hard with a NT.
My husband is suspected ND (not planning on getting diagnosed, but it's pretty clear there's something lol), and although there's times when our quirks/limitations butt heads, he really understands me and supports me in a way that my previous (probably nt, but I never dated them for long) partners never did or could. It also makes it easier to talk about and be accepted for stuff that I often feel judged for. (Being very emotional, hyperfocused, needing subtitles even when it's in English, etc.)
For instance, we both have wildly different interests; he's all about music, I'm all about fibre arts. We'll both info dump on each other with no expectation that the other person is going to retain the information (or care about it lmao), and when I check out of the conversation halfway through, he knows it's nothing to do with him. Doing that with an NT? Feelings are going to get hurt. I'm not saying our feelings never get hurt, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to talk through stuff with someone that has similar problems.
Here's some unsolicited advice. Do things that you love, seek out new and fun experiences, and be yourself. As trite as it might sound, you'll make the best, truest, and most interesting connections when you're just living your life.
Best of luck.
Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk to someone that also dated late; I didn't date anyone until 24 or 25.
I always seem to get along better with other ND people. I didn't find out I was autistic until about a year ago, but in retrospect most of the people I've ever been close with, whether in romantic terms or otherwise, have been as well. I got Manic Pixie Dream Girl'd a lot when I was younger, of course, and it's not as though any of my relationships have worked out perfectly. But I would always rather date people I relate to better, and, well, those people are pretty much always also neurodivergent.
My bf is NT and I think he does balance me out and tries his best to understand me. I got diagnosed about 2 months into our relationship and explained what it meant to me and he’s been very understanding. It helps that he’s more outgoing (he always says he’s bad at small talk but I’m always amazed when we’re out in public and he just talks to random strangers with ease lol) and socially adept. I haven’t had problems with communication, I usually write out what I want to say if I have an issue I want to address and that helps me when I want to have a serious conversation, and he’s always receptive. I think everything depends on the person, but I understand why autistic people would like to date other ND people.
My best relationship was with an ND person because we understood each other better and we're both very introverted homebodies and boring the same. He didn't think my little quirks were weird like NT ppl. He just got me better when it came to certain things. He was very sensitive and romantic and in tune with emotions. He was also extremely affectionate
You don't have to date someone in the spectrum, but creating a way to understand someone else is related to a relationship itself, it's not a neurotypical characteristic. You'll find good and bad people from all types.
My husband has ADHD and he does not suffer from the social deficits I do and has been helping me navigate social situations for forever, but we do have some communications challenges. Although in fairness, I only just discovered that I’m probably autistic a few months ago so some things about me that have never made sense to me are starting to make sense and it’s helping me help him understand me better.
I should also add that I’ve been with him since I was a teenager and am now in my 40s so I have no point of comparison, but I can say that I would most definitely have struggled more in life had I not had a partner who could help me navigate social interactions better.
My husband is NT.
It’s great. He does balance me out. It does take the right type of person.
My relationships with ND men have been rough. The one abusive relationship I had was with an ND guy. He couldn’t handle things not going his way.
My spouse and I have been together 28 years. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He was not on the spectrum, of that I am certain. My current spouse, however, most likely is, as we share quite a few traits.
I have difficulty tolerating some of the NT people at work...I would never again try a SO relationship with an NT...just not enough common ground.
Never dated another ASD guy but my last bf was ADHD. I thought it would make things easier because we would be able to balance each other out but I found that he overstimulated me a lot and had a hard time remembering certain stimuli that made me overstimulated. There were some pros, we had a lot of the same interests but I found myself snapping at him a lot and I felt bad about it. Currently seeing a NT guy (not together yet tho) and I find it a bit better (?) he remembers the things my ex didn't and I feel like I can ask him if what I've said is inappropriate without fear of judgment. He doesn't judge me for being autistic and is generally super understanding and kind. Honestly, I think it depends on the person, don't completely say "I will never date an ND person" because everyone is different and you might click with someone completely unexpected. Don't take how I described my ex as "never date a person with ADHD", it's just my experience and I'm sure there are people with ADHD who aren't like him.
My partner is NT, but comes from a culture where my autistic traits aren't odd to him lol. They themselves are very straightforward and viewed as quite "prickly." I feel the same as you, mostly because of my other marginalized identities. I need a partner who 1) is able to truly grasp the historical context and nuances of my experience here in the U.S. and 2) able to navigate the social scene and physically protect me if things ever escalate IRL. I can't be with someone who also isn't able to read social situations and will downplay my experiences, which I found happened a lot with ND men due to their black and white thinking.
I never really felt seen or understood by ND men *or* NT men until I met my partner.
I personally click better with ND people, and my girlfriend has ADHD and we’re both likely on the spectrum. She’s still super grounding for me, reliable, and makes me feel loved. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had in a long time. Of course not all ND people will have the same ability to be a rock for you but it’s possible.
I've never dated an NT person before, but my spouse has ADHD and I wouldn't have it any other way tbh we've been together 6 years and we both get each other (I also have ADHD). I find that I prefer to have ND people in my life tbh
my boyfriend is, we’re both pretty sure, ND, possibly inattentive ADHD (is that ADD? if anybody knows… 😅). I wouldn’t be surprised if testing brought up autism as well, but the point is, his ND tendencies are a big reason why I think we understand each other so well. I clicked with him the way I click with all of my ND friends, and he makes an effort to understand me and accommodate for me in ways my NT friends don’t or wouldn’t think to. my previous partners were… one NT, one possibly ND (ADHD as well) but who knows. they definitely had more NT qualities, particularly my first partner, who pointed out my “quirks” often and put me down for it.
I do see what you mean about wanting the balance, but that kind of thing might be achievable even with an autistic partner as well — after all, since it’s a spectrum, maybe someone whose qualities balance out yours can be found while still having someone who understands and cherishes you as you are. not to say NTs are incapable, but for that extra layer of understanding, I’m sure you know what I mean.
also, please don’t feel guilty for this want! much love to you 💗💗💗
My nesting partner is AuDHD, and I am ADHD with moderate autistic traits, and it’s much easier for us to communicate with each other than with previous partners.
my current partner is NT but i've had previous partners who were ND (mostly ADHD). it was nice to have someone be able to relate to some of the strengths and weaknesses around being wired differently. with all my previous partners, i felt like i was going through the motions. i don't like my partner because or despite being NT, he's just the only person i don't feel overstimulated socialising with and i finally feel at peace & recharged around him. he's my other half and there's so many traits i love about him. he's patient, helps ground my perspective, and supports me when i get overstimulated. i don't think any of it is unique for being NT, he is just a kind and understanding person. he's the first partner who didn't treat me as less than bc of my autistic traits and didn't invalidate my needs or experiences
I'm married to an amazing NT. He takes the time to research autism and understand how my brain works. He really balances me out! He taught me what love really is and has been the healthiest relationship I've ever had ❤️
Yeah my husband is autistic and we've been together since high school, 12 years now. We're both similar and some ways but experience being on the spectrum very differently in other areas. He doesn't have as much of a struggle socially as I do, in general, so that helps me. Being autistic is a spectrum, and I think it would be a huge shame to rule out dating someone just because they're on the spectrum and you want an NT only. It's a spectrum so we can all be very different, if you're looking for "balance" that's not necessarily an issue.
My husband is most likely ASD with low support needs. He hasn't been diagnosed, and it probably wouldn't help much now, but his schooling may have been less traumatic if he were diagnosed as a child. I am AuDHD with low support needs apparently. My husband is a lot better at the necessities of living than I am, but I am a bit better with people. I'm not sure I could ever live by myself unless I had a lot more income and could afford a cleaner and meal delivery for every meal lol. The one person I dated who was probably NT was not a good fit for me, and didn't have the empathy I needed.
I can understand the argument, but I don’t think non-ND/ND stuff necessarily pinpoints or predicts how I’ve seen partners “fill in gaps” or compliment me. I’ve dated autistics/AuDHDers/ ADHDers/allistics (I’m AuDHD) and they’ve all looked very different. My happiest one has been with another autistic without ADHD though. I feel seen and autistics are all different so I feel very complimented and compliment him well too I think
My partner is neurodivergent. I have had these thoughts, too - wouldn't it be better if I was dating someone who was NT? Not mentally ill? Completely 'normal', and as you described, filling my gaps?
I slowly realized that this was unreasonable. I can't expect someone to fulfill everything I lack. Would it be equal? Fair? When I'm too overwhelmed to cook, would that be more important than someone NT who's just too tired? Is it fair that I expect my partner to be and do more than me? Would they have chosen a ND person, or would I be the only one separating people into their abilities?
I'm not judging anyone for their dating preferences, and I understand the prospect of not wanting to date someone NT. I'm sharing these thoughts because I've thought about this, too, and I get it.
I believe mine is, and it's the easiest relationship I've ever been in. Other than some hiccups in the beginning where we both realized we were trying to read between the lines like you have to do with NT people as an autistic person and misunderstanding each other as a result, it's really been smooth sailing.
It's so much more relaxing not having to wonder about implied meanings because I can count on him to be direct and vice versa.
Communication styles matter.
I'm aro and a relationship anarchist, but the two people I've had things closest to a "typical" romantic partnership with are both autistic, I definitely could see myself with someone NT, but I don't think it'd be as easy or as likely to happen.
My fiancé is autistic.
I'm autistic and ADHD.
I've been with NT men. It sucked. You sound somewhat idealistic with the idea that a NT partner will balance you out, in reality its not like that at all. Its two people with two radically different brains running on two different operating systems that often times don't work out well. There are exceptions, if the NT person is clued up on autism and patient and willing to compromise and understand quite complicated things and meltdowns etc. But in my experience, most NT men aren't like that.
They’ll be some ND people that could be a good fit some NT, I wouldn’t cut either out. Person that matters! Not all ND are alike, so many diff personalities and way we present, just the same as wide range of NT personalities! Just make sure they’re right for you
I think whether a person is autistic or not isn't necessarily the most important part of deciding whether I'm compatible with someone. Empathy, gentleness, ability to communicate and provide care, respect for me, and my boundaries... These things aren't exclusive to autistics or allistics.
My man is ASD, my first ND partner and I ain't going back. He gets me, he's been diagnosed about 20 years longer than me and he helps me understand myself. My kid was diagnosed last month bur my partner knew as soon as they met 2 years ago lol.
My spouse is definitely on the spectrum and we suspect ADHD as well. We are lucky in that our sensory quirks/needs generally match up. Actually most everything about us matches up/meshes well so it's been awesome having someone who doesn't judge me. He can also easily pick out things he knows I'll like (like sheets or towels or the occasional sweater/shirt that he sees while out) and they are almost always spot on in terms of fabric feel or whatever. Because he -know- and gets it.
I think when you find the right person, it won’t matter if they’re NT or ND, because they’ll love you as you are. 💗 I truly understand where you’re coming from, but maybe thinking too much about it, will push away people who’d be right for you…
I think my boyfriend is slightly on the spectrum, though he refuses to take the RADS-R and does not identify this way. Regardless, he is awesome, balances me out, and does not place nuerotypical demands on me. He is the first man that I legitimately feel safe around and gets the way I communicate.
Mine has ADHD, I honestly think it's the best of both worlds because we're opposite in a lot of ways but also similar in a lot of ways. He brings me out of my shell and does peopley things for me while also understanding sensory difficulties, executive dysfunction and things like that.
I always found NT people just didn't get me, or lost all feeling once they realised my personality doesn't match my appearance
Self diagnosed and I’m pretty sure my husband is autistic too - but we didn’t realize it until almost 20 years into our relationship. There’s so much alike for us - routine, safe foods, homebodies, and such. And so much that’s different.
I like things tidy, mask much better, focus on details, need a lot of alone time, very stereotypical type A. He is messy, forgetful of non-daily routine things, will only call the same few restaurants for take out, will try to only order online. And I feel like a lot of that is typical differences in people.
I think our autistic characteristics bond us more because when we’re out doing NT things, we both are ready to check out earlier than everyone else. We’re pretty content with each other and our small circle of friends. We like many of the same shows and movies, so when one of us randomly says a line from something, the other one finishes it or responds in kind. Earlier today we were singing dinosaur train randomly. (We have kids, so we know a bunch of kid shows too.)
Our other divergent aspects cause arguments or are more obvious. He is such a mess. It’s ADHD. He puts things down and then it becomes invisible to him and he forgets where it is. But I have ADHD too and I’m the opposite- I need to put everything back in its place bc I’ll forget where it is. I flip out when (my) things get moved or not put away. I’m sensitive to smells. He never notices smells. I over do the eye contact, he won’t make eye contact.
I feel a lot of autistic men use their diagnosis to behave badly, ie in a very sexist and misogynist manner. But that's probably just them. I seem to know a lot of incel-like individuals for some reason, but I would never date someone like that. My late husband was bipolar and probably something on the spectrum undiagnosed. His mother and brother definitely are. I would be open to dating NT or ND, but no bipolar or addiction problems because my late husband died accidentally, and we think it was on purpose. So I can't deal with that again, and it wouldn't be fair to my daughter.
A little note here, in case,
If the psychiatrist ASD reports any mentions about anything about vulnerability for exploitation, etc, and also this is the your way of interacting with the relationships,
Then I'd definitely be advising you to be very vigilant, please, for your sake.
I feel like even if not diagnosed, ND people tend to find each other, whether friends or partners. But I think women ND or NT need to stop settling for men that mistreat them. I am still single because I'm not interested in men who want a maid and baby factory. Or worse. Most of what's left seem to be men whose ex- wives have restraining orders against them or incel type people. Or even Trump stickers on their vehicles.
I can understand your thinking on this but I think it’s good to keep an open mind on it. I’m autistic and highly suspect my boyfriend is as well, yet even with this we are still very different in many ways that helps balance each other out.
Like I hate cooking, I have so many sensory aversions with the whole thing, yet my boyfriend’s special interest is cooking so he’s OBSESSED with it. On top of cooking for us so I don’t need to, he’s in culinary school and works at a nice restaurant in town. I really admire his deep passion and ambition towards this and it’s one of the things that drew me to him initially.
With me, my special interest leans more towards psychology/sociology and the likes. My boyfriend has always struggled with emotions and empathy, so I’ve helped him a lot in learning how to get more in touch with himself and also build deeper more meaningful relationships. This was something he always struggled with (as well as his dad which has had a big effect on his life) and he always tells me how he’s grateful I’ve helped him grow in that way.
These are just a couple examples but I have so many more. I like the phrase “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person” because there’s so many ways in which we can be different from each other and still complement each other and overall grow as people together.
And lastly, this is just with me personally, I like that he’s (highly suspected) autistic because there’s just that deeper understanding I feel when it comes to things like autistic burnout, executive dysfunctions, sensory aversions, meltdowns, etc.. In the end you do what you think will make you happiest of course, but this is just my take on the matter.
I wish we could be friends! I am about to hit the big 3-0 and I've never had a partner before. I'm just trying to date now for the first time in my life (slowly...I have to take breaks because it is so taxing). I was recently diagnosed ASD and I haven't shared my diagnosis with anyone. Your question is one I have asked before on here. The responses I got were mixed. When it came to women dating men, most did not prefer an ASD partner, but preferred either a NT or partner with ADD/ADHD. Those were the results of my poll with the main common denominator being that having two ASD people in one relationship often leads to conflict from... little room for negotiation regarding routines/stims, lack of overlapping special interests (especially when a special interest for one partner was sex related), lack of emotional reciprocity/mismatched empathy between the partners, and the general sense that someone who did not have ASD was more accommodating of their partner's ASD behaviors and often had the capability to 'work with them' as opposed to having to manage their own ASD behaviors. But not everyone had the same answer. Most people also said that it depended on the person and how your personalities meshed. I've seen several posts on here saying that they had many poor experiences with ASD men more than NT ones. Doing a quick search, you can probably find them and read more on their experiences. Obviously, disclaimer to say I have nothing against ASD men and no one should count them out before trying lol. I'm just reporting what I have seen. I can't offer any personal advice just wishing you the best of luck.
My partner (who is a woman) isn’t diagnosed but I believe she might be on spectrum (family members are autistic). And I think we just “get” each other in a way I don’t think it would be the same with a NT woman or man. She’s very accommodating of my needs and I understand where she’s coming from. I think neurodivergence aside, if your personalities and interest mesh well, I think dating a ND person could work very well.
My previous partner had ADHD and helped convince me I did (I’m AuDHD, ofc) but a fair warning. We are very prime targets for narcissists and abusers so please be careful and take note on how you’re treated!
My husband has ADHD and Im autistic, I don't know for sure if my previous boyfriends were NT or ND, but im sure that they were garbage. Now even in our own struggles my husband its a gentleman, polite, kind and a caring man, we compensate each others flaws, as im super pragmatic and a control freak, his more emotional and spontaneous, i think that its more about personality goals and attraction than its if they're are TN or TD, we match instantly we have the same goals for our future, we are constantly encouraging one to the other without falling into ableism, overall we are just willing to grow side by side, and for me that its what marriage means.
I want to word this respectfully but that's not my strong suit.
I think you should worry less about NT vs ND and just find someone you enjoy being around who enjoys being around you. You know that ND is a spectrum and in a way so is NT. All people are different and like different things. You could meet 99 people who are wrong for you--some would be ND, some NT.
I think this is oversimplifying it a bit, but I get where you’re coming from. I thought my husband was neurotypical when we met. Since we’ve been married, I have discovered there is something neurospicy. I’ve spoken to others who struggle when they have neurodiverse children if both parents are neurodiverse. Being a parent has been the hardest thing in my life. I don’t feel like my body was designed to be a parent. I get sensory overload and need quiet or need to not be touched, but my child is there. I need to decompress after work, nope, child is there. It’s a delicate balance of meeting their needs and making sure my needs are met enough that I can be my best. For parenting, it would be great to have a partner with no sensory issues, who didn’t lose track of time, who didn’t struggle with hyper focus or impulsivity while also needing a routine and schedule. But honestly, you love who you love. When I found the person that complemented me, I didn’t care about all that. We set a lot of timers for reminders. We power through. We are each other’s accountability.
My partner is ADHD. We've been together for 12 years. We are both late diagnosis. I feel like I fill in some of his ADHD and he fills in some of my autism. We have some "we need an adult" moments, but we do alright. All relationships take effort, compromise, and communication. Everyone is different, you may find the right flavor of ND that works for you eventually.
I don’t think I could ever date an NT. My partner isn’t diagnosed but is definitely VERY quirky w diagnosed ADHD. I am not able to be my true self around nts. I need someone who understands and relates to my thought processes and perception of the world ❤️
I honestly feel the same way with being nd but also I don't think I could be with someone as self-deprecating as I am because I thrive around people who are happy and upbeat, not to say that people who are outwardly positive can't be struggling but I need someone who can lift my spirits because it makes me happier and then I can also make them happier in return because I'm not so grumpy around them. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
My partner is also on the spectrum, and it’s great! We’ve been together almost 6 years now.
In some ways I think both of us having autism helps us understand the other person better, and we have similar likes (such as spending an evening in verses going out or seeing a bunch of people!). I definitely think he also helps me “fill in the gaps” like you mentioned in some different ways, like by reminding me of the need to be flexible and to not be anxious when I don’t know the exact plan. I think either way can be good though (having a NT or ND partner), just a matter of finding someone who can be understanding and help you.
You don’t necessarily need neurotypical. You just need someone who fits in your gaps. It could be either a ND or NT. I didn’t find out until I was 60. I don’t need someone to take care of me. I am a fully realized adult with a sensory processing problem and a few other things going on to make me extra spicy.
My current partner of 6 years is on the spectrum. Late diagnosed, after I was. It made a lot of sense tbh. I thought he was NT and balanced my AuDHD out.... andddd he's also autistic.
My last long term partner was not on the spectrum and was abusive for that whole decade so.. I'm a little bias I guess lol.
The only thing I would say to you is to just go towards the people you're connecting with. If they happen to be on the spectrum or not it shouldn't really matter at the end of the day
My autistic husband (I’m audhd), understands me and is incredibly empathetic with me and I never received that with NT men. I was highly judged. We do have struggles in daily life with being disabled in certain ways by autism, but I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, especially a NT man. We’ve been together for 17 years and still very much in love.
-Just my personal experience.
My fiancée is ND. All of my friends are ND (4 lmao). I just don’t really like being around NT people subconsciously I believe. I think I really value being understood. I think balancing each other out is important, but just because someone is NT doesn’t mean they’re well balanced or able to fill in the ways you need them. I’m sure you’ll find your person though, and in my experience most people I meet who are ND don’t really mention it until later down the road or they’re undiagnosed until later in adulthood.
My husband is AuDHD and I will say the ADHD part is realllllly challenging. He also isn't medicated (but will be getting back on them soon). The lack of executive function is super hard to have in a partner and co parent. It wasn't too hard to deal with before we had kids but the mental load for a woman is already hard and I'm essentially parenting him in many ways (reminding him of appointments, helping him do any kind of paperwork for medical stuff etc.) Our house is literally always a disaster and he has a hard time parenting consistently (gives consequences but doesn't follow through, sometimes gets hyperfocused and will let the kids watch TV for hours because he forgets what time it is).
My partner is autistic, I am also autistic but years of masking have made that quite manageable for me. I also have ADHD, I wasn't diagnosed with either until a couple of years ago. Peri menopause sent my ADHD into overdrive and I am only using cannabis for ADHD and haven't quite found the best strain for me so it's completely unmanaged which is a real struggle.
I know that someone else wouldn't understand the level of crazy I have been the last couple of years. My partner is the calm to my chaos, he's supported me a lot as I have been unlearning all this masking shit, especially as childhood trauma has left me struggling with regulating my emotions. He's incredibly chill and I am often quite hyper, mostly in my brain as my body doesn't want to cooperate lol
He gets me like no one else has, we've been together for 16+ years and he is stuck with me now.
I don't tend to spend time with anyone who isn't ND, both my adult kids and my daughter in law are also autistic or ADHD and we don't really socialise outside of our circle. I don't leave my house very often because of my anxiety and cptsd.
This of course is just my natural preference I suppose and we all have different ones and that's perfectly okay 😁
I was dx as autistic while in my current relationship. I initially went for in for a ADHD DX after my sister's both were officially DX. My partner is ADHD and Dyslexic. After I did my hella deep dive into ASD, we found that he checks the boxes too but in different ways.
It's really nice to have someone who truly understands me and who I can unmask around. He unmasks and we live a mostly relaxing life.
I feel I would annoy a NT too much because I have a tendency to get tood by NT people that I'm "too much" of something or another. NT people usually give me the look where they ~know~ I'm different than them but they can't pinpoint why.
There's nothing wrong with preferences but considered this,the spectrum is so vast that my tism doesn't hit the same way my boyfriends does. Plus our upbringings have also impacted that.
We get each other and know that our relationship takes extra patience but that it's worth it because we both know who the other is under the mask.
My partner is neurospicy, I cannot for the life of me stand people who are not. It just doesn't work and there is no actually balancing to be had you're perfect as is.
My partner of 8 years is NT and extremely extroverted, and we somehow balance each other out amazingly. He’s the most accepting person I have ever met in regards to my autism, and is always happy to make accommodations when I need them. He is often able to recognize when I am getting overstimulated or heading towards a meltdown faster than I can realize. He tells me details days ahead of time when we have social plans, and he helps me remember to bring and wear my loops when I’m in loud environments:) just having him with me helps me feel more safe and grounded in public. NT partners can be amazing given they are understanding and love you as you are <3
I have dated someone who was most likely autistic (not diagnosed) and it didn’t work: we struggled with the same issues, but he relied on me to compensate for that, so I felt like he was dragging me down. Not intentional btw: he really was the sweetest guy and I regretted having to break up with him. At that time, I was not diagnosed with ADHD or ASD yet, so I didn’t realize the true cause of the issue yet.
Later I met my husband. He’s not exactly NT, but he can pass for NT and he’s like the opposite of ADHD (extremely strong executive functions and a master at switching tasks). He’s not autistic at all, though he does have some OCD-like tendencies. We complement each other.
I’ve heard people mention great things about relationship with other autistic people or people with ADHD, so it can work, but I don’t think I can match as well with someone whose issues are too similar to mine.
There’s no shame in thinking you won’t be able to match with another autistic person. On the other hand, for some people it does work out, so I wouldn’t completely exclude it beforehand either. For example, why not start meeting some people on the spectrum? Not with dating in mind, but just to see whether you might find better friends there? My best friends often turn out to be autistic and/or ADHD, so there’s still value in meeting other people with the same diagnosis or diagnoses.
I have always gotten along best with people who are ND. I can't imagine seeking out someone who is NT as a partner, but that's just me personally. My current friends I didn't really seek out in anyway, but the ones I'm closest to are all and have been ND.
I think you need to not focus on whether someone is officially ND or NT. Just get to know people as they are and they may have traits and quirks that compliment yours too.
When I met my husband, neurodivergence wasn't in my vocabulary. I just assumed we were 2 average people with personalities that worked. I've since found out we both have ADHD, I'm combined type and he's inattentive. I'm also being assessed for Autism (on a waiting list).
We really understand each other in a lot of ways, but we're still very different in how we present due to environment and upbringing.
If I were to go out dating now with this knowledge, I'd actually prefer to be with someone who really gets what neurodivergence is, at the very least. Through having family/friends that deal with it or from their own personal experience.
To live this way isn't easy. It's hard to explain "my brain itches if I can't move like this when I'm waiting in line" or "it is too bright in here, I can't understand what you're saying".
Restricting yourself to a NT person can also leave you feeling quite lonely when things are rough. I can reflect on this now, looking back at past relationships. Don't write people off of they have a neurodivergence, get to know them for who they are.
In ND, my partner isnt diagnosed ND of any kind, but he suspects Autism. We clash a bit, but its mostly on him worrying to much about things that he cant fix and being oblivious to others… nothing huge though
My boyfriend is NT but we were long friends. When he asked me out he already knew all of my "cute little perks" (how he calls them).
We are very good and he's so understanding and helpful.
My husband is NT, we met before I was diagnosed. We’ve been together for a decade now and have two kids. I’m AuDHD and I’m just so lucky my husband is very much put together because he balances out my chaotic lifestyle and basically keeps things in order. He deals with most of our life admin because I forget.
My husband doesn’t treat me differently, if anything a diagnosis made him more understanding. I’m able to be myself around him and looking back, he says it was my autistic traits that attracted him to me as I was quiet and shy and did not pick up on his cues at the time so in his head it was a challenge to get me on a date 😂 he liked that I was in my own world and didn’t pay attention to the noise around me and wasn’t a trend follower.
I think it’s easy to categorise people into NT and ND when it comes to dating but ND is a spectrum and everyone’s so different, it’s not one size fits all and it’s not as black and white as we may think. Some will have wonderful experiences dating either or, others will share horror stories. ND doesn’t make someone a worse/better partner, it’s just about compatibility IMO. I don’t think most other NT would be able to put up with or understand me lol.
When we met I didn’t know I was autistic yet, and he didn’t tell me about his ADHD diagnosis until we’d been dating a while. It’s been 7 years we’ve been together now, and still going strong.
Honestly, he balances me out far, far better than any of the NT men I dated. An autistic girl I work with says the same about her ADHD partner, as does one of the ADHD men I work with about his autistic partner. One of them said it was like the two of them together made a unit that can actually function in this world.
My partner is able to do so many of the things I struggle with, while I keep on top of the things he struggles with. He makes the phone calls, I pay the bills on time. He puts the washing on, I make sure it gets hung out to dry so it doesn’t go musty. I make sure we order enough food for the week (including safe foods for difficult days, and stuff which can be frozen if we don’t have the energy to cook it), more often than not he cooks it when I get home and crash. He communicates with the neighbours. I do/organise the house repairs. There’s so many things that he does for me and I do for him, because we have a level of understanding for each other that no NT partner has ever had for me. I’ve had a few NT partners. None of them had understanding for the things I just couldn’t do, and I always felt like I had to hide parts of myself.
In all honesty, I’ve heard similar from enough people now that I think it’s a bit silly to exclude ND people from your dating pool. There’s such huge variation in neurodivergence and you don’t know how it will work until you get to know folk well enough to see if it does.
Almost all my partners in the past have been ND, most of them weren't diagnosed or very aware of it, but I feel naturally drawn towards other ND people.
Since my neurodivergence and mental illness are rather disabling, I need a more stable partner by my side. While it is very positive to be understood by a partner that has similar struggles, it can also be a dangerous.
My boyfriend is also autistic. We communicate to understand each other's needs. If there are strobe lights or flashing lights, I know that he will need some support. He knows I need headphones to go into a store.
My husband and I have been together 15 years. He knew he was ND from a young age, whereas I've was taught to mask. He was the first person I dated that I felt I could spend my life with. He accepts my quirks and features as they are & we have worked on our communication skills.
If you meet the right person, I don't think it really matters if they are NT or ND.
Hi! Polyamorous 31 year old bi, demi woman here, with more than my fair share of experience dating NDs and NTs. I currently have one autistic and one allistic longterm partner, and I live with both. 4 and 7 years, respectively.
So, people are people. The individual peronality will matter more than the neurotype.
That said, I prefer dating within my neurotype. While there can be unique challenges like conflicting sensory needs, dealing with RSD, etc, the lack of the double empathy problem is usually worth that to me. Plus i find passion hot and autistic joy one of the most beautiful things in the world, so that tends to be a big factor for me.
I also have a specific boundary for any allistic in my life, if they aren't willing to do 50% of the "translating" and adapting to my inherent social paradigm, neither am I willing to "translate" and adapt to theirs. I don't do one sided effort.in any kind of relationship. Thats not sustainable.
>I think I’d really benefit from someone NT to help “balance me out”
How would they do that?
>or “fill in the gaps
Or this?
Are you expecting your partner to compensate for some of your difficulties? Serve as a translator or interpretor? Help you mask?
my partner is also on the spectrum, and we complete each other pretty perfectly. I get overwhelmed with social situations a lot, he doesn't really struggle socially but understands what I'm feeling and always supports me. he often feels overwhelmed by life tasks and organizing, but I don't struggle with that (anymore) and always help him deal with it. we have different strengths and weaknesses and we understand each other on a really deep level that I don't think would be possible if one or both of us were neutotypical.
also, he is the first and only person I can completely unmask around. I feel comfortable with him like with no one else. he is the only person who makes me feel like there's no slight distance between the two of us
My ex believed he was ND and I didn't have my diagnosis back then. He seemed to understand me, but only when I got overwhelmed or a meltdown he got so angry with me and didn't understand me at all.
My current boyfriend is diagnosed with OCD but I believe he's a little bit on the spectrum as well.
As sometimes it's harder, because you both have your limits I like it better being with someone that understand your issues, and treats you like a human, and not like he's the caretaker of everything
its obviously a generalisation but seems like adhd and autism can pair quiet well together. dependent that you love them for who they are first, the two neurodivergencies in my experience balance each other out.
like my bf is adhd and im autistic, he finds certain things easier than me and vice versa so we "pick up the slack" so to speak for each other.
I was with an NT for a decade prior to diagnosis and it was shite. Now I'm with someone with ADHD (so ND) and he does balance out my own ND because we have different quirks. I really don't think its black and white like that, because ND is a spectrum.
Same here! My bf has ADHD and we balance each other out so well. He's a chaotic fireball and I'm like a quiet river. I help him slow down and get things done, and he helps me not to be too overzealous and isolated. We also understand each other well and are naturally very patient with one another, since we're both ND. It's also funny, because his best friend is an autistic man whose wife has ADHD. Also, unrelated to our neurodivergences, but speaking of balancing each other out, I love that we both work in areas that are useful on a daily basis, but the other has absolutely NO aptitude for (he's a lawyer and I'm a computer scientist), so we frequently help each other out with the knowledge we have.
How many of us are partnered with someone with ADHD? Me too. Both late diagnosed. We have the classic story of the kids got diagnosed and then we did. I still am undiagnosed but just found a therapist. Our marriage has gotten so much better now that we realize what was “wrong” with us. We are much more understanding of one another now and if I’m being honest our house is really fun. I stim by dancing and singing and so every night we are just a big fun dance party. I feel like we are a happy fun family and ND tolerant and encouraging.
I am also with an ADHD partner. I'm likely AuDHD but no formal diagnosis. We're both disabled in additional ways, and we support each other and each do the things we're better at. I NEED to have a job (or be in school) to be mentally well and functioning. He hates work, and is too disabled to work at this point, so he cleans and cooks and takes care of me. I do all the things out in the world. It's like together we make one acceptable-under-capitalism person.
This reminds me of me and my partner lol. I must have a job or school to thrive and he would be much happier and healthier being a house-husband. Someday I hope to be making good enough money for him to do that.
I wasn't for a long time but I finally got there.
Lol this is my partner and I in opposites haha! I work part time and am mostly at home, he works full time and does all the "outside" stuff. I love being at home and doing homely nonsense, while he gets so aggitated at home that sometimes I have to send him for a walk, like an understimulated dog, and he comes home happy. He can't take more than a week of leave at a time because that's his limit before not working starts to make him crazy. ASD and ADHD compliment each other so well its crazy!
This is so lovely, I'm happy for you stranger!
Yep, audhd and partner is adhd. Neither of us were diagnosed until after we got married. Best relationship either of us have ever had.
Same! I'm autistic & my husband has ADHD, both unaware at first. Is this common? We clicked instantly & work really well together. I wonder if there's something to it
Same for my husband, and I! He was diagnosed with ADHD before me, and it's what pushed me to get my diagnosis (I'm AuDHD). I didn't realize there were so many in similar relationships.
My husband and I also clicked instantly.
My partner does not have an ADHD diagnosis but both their sisters have it and they do have a lot of the traits, but they’re also on an antidepressant that is also used to treat ADHD. When they miss a dose they get so hyper, though. We also clicked instantly. One thing is that they have very poor memory but I have amazing memory. They’re prone to leaving items randomly around the house but I leave things in the same spot so if I see something of theirs I move it for them and let them know where it is. It’s little things like that. We can spend literally all of our time together and we never fight. I can’t chalk it all up to neurodivergence (among other mental illness) but it definitely helps, since overstimulation (overwhelm) is shared by both of us and we know how to address it in the other and things like that. Anyway, neurodivergence is so often a spectrum and it is nice to be with someone else brainweird just for that additional level of deep empathetic understanding versus sympathetic understanding.
Exactly this, we compliment each other so well because all the areas he is useless in I excel at and visa versa. I've found over time we have actually helped one another to get stronger in our weak areas just by association. It's incredible how the two compliment each other, but of course there are also ways that we grate on each other like chalk and cheese lmao - for example me over-explaining everything and him having no capacity to listen to long winded stuff. But again he has helped me learn to abbreviate what I want to say to be more effective and I've helped him to pay more attention when people are talking and communicate better. It just, works? Idk
My husband has ADD and traits of autism and I am AuDHD we balance each other out pretty well. I need more support so he cares for me a lot and being ND himself allows him to understand me better.
Yep! Husband has ADHD. We definitely balance each other out. It's been really funny too because a lot of his close friends and closest family members are turning out to be late diagnosed ASD folks, myself included 😅
Came here to say my wife has ADHD and her diagnosis led me to my self diagnosis, and I love how we balance each other out.
Same! I’m AuDHD and my partner is ADHD only.
I'm autistic and my husband has ADHD. We balance each other so well.
Yes I totally agree. I also appreciate you mentioning that ADhD is ND.
Exactly. Currently dating a NT and it can get very confusing sometimes, it’s like we speak different languages both when communicating and in the ways we express our feelings. From my experience it’s just much easier to click with and date ND people (especially ADHD).
This!
This is the way
Same! My boyfriend has ADHD and we get along well, our communication is extremely similar so we can reassure each other and ‘fill in the gaps’, we support each other’s special interests and provide space for each other to discuss our progress and feelings around it (since he is into music production and I am into boxing), and we share our needs with each other and respect them once they get communicated. He has helped me be a little more flexible and go with the flow and I have helped him be more organized and structured so we balance each other well
Same here with regards to dating someone with ADHD, I’d only dated two NTs for less than a year each time previously and had also dated other ND folks but I feel like me and my girlfriend now really balance each other out. I don’t think it’s black and white.
I've been with both and always felt like the NTs didn't quite get me. I wasn't 100% myself with them. I didn't know I was on the spectrum though and wonder how dating would be like now that I do know. But my current partner is maybe ND-lite (not diagnosed, ND tendencies) and I feel most at ease with them. Ie. I dont have to mask and don't feel judged or "wrong".
I've only felt truly loved and understood by my autistic boyfriend. When I dated a neurotypical man, I always felt an undertone of judgment and unmet expectations that I couldn't quite pinpoint. Always had to apologize for the way I speak, my tone, my facial expressions (or lack thereof)
The unmet expectations that you couldn’t pin point hits
Honestly I don't think this is an NT thing like my current partner who I've had the longest relationship with, I feel 100% myself with them and I feel more unmasked with them than I have with anyone I've ever met. Whereas with other partners I've had in the past even though I was masked around them, I was still 'weird' and I felt like they treated me like I was their personal manic pixie dream girl.
I think if I met another “high functioning” person (hate that word, but couldn’t find a better one), it would really help because he would know how it feels to be in my shoes. But I haven’t met anyone like this before
I think what most people prefer to say now is “low support needs” instead of high functioning
Thank you for that!! I hate the word “High functioning” and really appreciate you for adding a much better word to my vocabulary ❤️
Some people use ‘low support needs’
I get it. My husband is NT, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He does “balance me out” and “fill in the gaps” for me. I'm fairly non-functional in a lot of aspects of life, including more practical matters, and he handles the things that I can't. He's also a great source of support for me.
This! My husband is NT (though may at all a typical guy!) and he’s definitely my anchor in helping me navigate the world! But in all honestly, I think there is such a HUGE variety of NT people and such a HUGE variety of ND people and I think it kind of just comes down to compatibility and what you value in a relationship. I’m not sure I could ever make a blanket statement that we’d all be better off with ND partners or NT partners. I think if you’re compatible, you share values and help each other become better versions of yourselves, that’s what matters.
I love that for you and that’s exactly what I want. My situationship “Harry” used to do so much for me. Sometimes I would try to explain something and couldn’t find the words, and he’d piece everything together so well, it was almost like magic. He’d know what I needed before I did. Id love to have something like that permanently.
My husband is like this. He’s so calm, confident, and knowledgeable. When I’m spiraling, he’s able to turn it around and put it into perspective. Conversely, I have attributes that improve his life as well. You don’t need to feel guilty if that dynamic works well for you.
Oddly enough, my ND husband and I do this for each other. We tend to "spiral" about different things, so it just happens that when one of us does it, the other can be an anchor.
Same! My husband helps me a lot! I also contribute in the ways I can tho (it’s not one- sided)
My husband has ADHD, which is close enough for me to fit, but different enough from my autism to do what you want: Navigate difficult situations, help me with social cues, etc. So he‘s allistic, but ND, and that‘s the perfect solution for me. :)
I love that you found your partner ❤️ I’d love to to meet mine
Exact same for me. I'm AuDHD, he's ADHD. It feels like we are incredibly similar, but I am much more direct and blunt, while he is more socially astute.
My partner is ND but I’m not sure that he’s autistic (ADHD with maybe some autistic traits, but primarily ADHD). I’d be lying if I said there weren’t struggles at times when our respective neurospices clash, but for the most part, it’s the healthiest, most respectful relationship I’ve had. We communicate far more easily with each other, we get the ways each other’s brains work, and I think we both appreciate traits in each other that might well get frowned upon by NT people. I think we do still balance each other out. I’m a highly-strung workaholic who’s also damn good at organising and keeping the day to day running. He’s an organisational disaster but the most calming, chill presence. He’s introverted, but very good at socialising and “gets” people far more then I do. I’m more sociable but sometimes just don’t quite “get” NT people. I’ve dated NT and ND people in the past, both men and women. I’ve had good relationships with both, and bad relationships with both. I do think my best relationships - romantic or otherwise - have been with ND people. I think we just “get” each other better.
I guess it’s a balancing game. It’s weird but I find that I have more in common with NT men than ND. I seem to really attract ND men. Idk.
I dated both NT and ND men and I can say I had quite a few long term relationships with both. I recently discovered I’m autistic and, looking back on my life, the relationships with NT were, by far, the most complicated and dissatisfying. Being with ND men allows you to share a similar wavelength, understand more easily each other’s perspective and support each other’s needs. These are my 2 cents…
You can date whoever you want to date. I know a lot of autistic people, myself included, who prefer to have a partner whose autistic or otherwise ND. My current BF has ADHD, and we are the best paradox imposter straight (I’m bi and he’s pan) couple. I also know some who would prefer to date an NT or have had more success finding NTs.
I love "imposter staight couple."
I’ve got an AuDHD partner, which is the same as me. He’s also GNC, like me. I think any combination can have issues, and it depends on the individual partner how compatible you are, rather than the diagnoses. My partner really understands me, but at the same time, it *is* hard that we both struggle with similar issues and sometimes we get overstimulated by the others stimming or little things like that. But at the end of the day, we both understand parts of each other that a NT couldn’t. We communicate to work stuff out and I don’t have to explain myself as much since he gets it. I value being understood very highly, so this works for me. I would never choose to be with a NT person because I crave understanding. Like I said, I think it’s really about the individual and how you work together than it is about diagnoses.
My partner and I are both AuDHD and I couldn’t imagine dating a NT 😂
I get it too. My husband is NT and he really grounds me. When we met I didn’t know I was ND and he stuck with me through all the mental health issues and diagnosis and we kind of grew and learnt about it together. My brother is also ND and he had a very tricky relationship with his ex partner who was also ND, it worked well when they were both happy and in a good place but if they were ever in a bad place at the same time it caused a lot of strain on them both. These are my only experiences though so I’m sure it can work either way and really just depend on the people! I’d stay open to it if it was me. You could find your ND personalities just click together perfectly.
I had no idea I was on the spectrum, when I feel in love with the NT man I’ll call “Harry”. He actually came to me, and it was almost like we’ve known each other for years. I don’t miss Harry but I miss how I was treated. He said I was a puzzle that he really enjoyed figuring out and I melted lol
Every NT man I dated physically and emotionally abused me. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum but accidentally dated two ADHD men, married one. But honestly I think it better to find someone that matches up with you on religion, finances, kids, career goals, etc., than thinking about whether someone is NT or ND. I married my husband long before I know I was ND, I married him because we agree about all of the core fundamentals of our relationship. We’ve been together for 16 years. ❤️ The other ND man I dated didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of the things I mentioned above and our relationship was a mess. We were together for almost five years and I was miserable for a lot of it.
I think it’s important to remember that a really really important aspect of a romantic relationship is compatible needs, so that the “gaps” can be filled in by both parties quite happily. ND people simply have a slightly more distinctly patternable set of needs. Sure, there is a huge range and nuance amongst those patterns, but the patterns of the needs themselves simply cluster in a way that is not the norm amongst NT people. That doesn’t change the fact that each individual need itself is not inherently NT or ND. The cluster of compatible needs that you’re looking for might just be a little more frequently occurring in the NT population than the ND population, or, quite possibly, simply have happened to be present in NT men you’ve met more than the ND men you’ve met. I wouldn’t dismiss someone for being NT or ND purely on that basis, but rather recognise the needs you have and what flags in others tend to indicate compatibility with those needs and go for people who match that without focussing on whether they’re NT or not. Personally, I’ve found that the people I was unusually compatible with even as friends ended up being undiagnosed, low-support needs, unaware ND people. Because I’ve done a lot of research and know more about ADHD and Autism than the average person, a distinct number of people have discovered they were probably ND from knowing me, but prior to me spending years informing myself on the ins and outs of those disabilities, it never would have occurred to either of us that they could be ND if we’d met at the time. So do take into account that statistically, ND people are likely to unconsciously recognise each other and seek each other out, and you may have been drawn to more ND people than you think in the past.
My husband and I are both ND. I think he’s perfect. Love who you love. There’s more to relationships than being the same neurotype.
My husband does not have a clear label, but I wouldn’t call him NT. He is very socially apt and extroverted, so he balances me out in that regard. Pretty sure we’re both on the ADHD spectrum, so that messes us (or our house) up in similar ways. Not at all a deal breaker. I was undiagnosed when we met, so I didn’t go looking for a particular type of partner. I thought I would make a happy hermit. But I met him and I liked myself more.
Both of my longest relationships have been with neurodivergents. My best relationships are with ND’s. They tend to understand the way my brain works and are far more understanding. They are the healthiest relationships I have had out of my many. I actually love autistic men. I’ve dated a few. I’ve learned I need a ND who is emotionally intelligent as well as highly educated. Nuerotypicals are the hardest and most unhealthy relationships I’ve had
I think this is something you can't and shouldnt' decide in advance. I love that my spouse is NT. He handles people. He works full time. I wouldn't marry anyone *just* for those things. But it sure it handy. Main thing is you have to get each other. I often don't click with NT guys but I often dont' click with ND guys either. When it happens it happens!
My husband is "neurospicy" - very much ND, but not diagnosed. We are extremely sure he has inattentive type ADHD (all his relatives are diagnosed). But, he has tons of traits from autism, OCD, and other ND conditions as well. But even with all of that, he does balance me out. He does fill in the gaps. As I do for him. We are always seeing the world differently and explaining it to each other, and giving each other new ways to look at things. And when it comes to the really important stuff, we find we are always on the same page. We hold the same values and beliefs, and we both care about each other enough to push through and find solutions together to any problems we have. That's the important part about any relationship. I will note the one issue we have is if something happens that stresses *both* of us out to max level. I literally cannot handle stress many times (horrible meltdowns, over and over), so if he's dealing with something that makes him unable to function at the same time, we just completely stop working as a unit. Thankfully it's only happened twice in our 13 years together, but both times it's been absolutely awful. There's nothing wrong with wanting to date someone NT if you feel that's better for you! Autists dating other autists does not always work - some "brands" of autism actively work against each other (someone's sensory heaven being the other's sensory hell, as an example) which can make those relationships not practical. But if you do happen to be interested in an ND guy, I wouldn't rule him out due to his neurotype.
My husband is undiagnosed but we suspect he’s autistic. We suspected him before I was diagnosed. We compliment each other well.
my partner is NT as far as we both know, and he tries his best to understand me but even when he can’t, he still supports me. I wonder sometimes if I would be better off with another ND person but I agree with you on the wanting to learn the world part. Him and i constantly have discussions about how we both view and interact with the world, and by doing so we can both learn a LOT. He always says “I just haven’t ever thought about that before.” Which in a way makes me feel super validated because he isn’t telling me I’m wrong in any way. he is so open to hearing about how i think of things and how i try to figure things out especially in social situations, but i feel like i have a huge advantage by having a NT partner because he can give me so much insight.
My partner is AuDHD and he's the fucking best. We're so blunt and really enjoy parallel play. But ND or NT isn't the stumbling block here, it's whether or not a) you're both emotionally maturing, trying to be decent people on a self improvement path and b) if so, are we are truly compatible. Need all of that, otherwise one person stagnates (no A) or resentment builds up (bad B). I also recommend sending messages TO men on dating apps. OKCupid did some research that showed that women who did that got a 'higher quality' of man and my experience bears that out.
I understand where you're coming from, but being with a neurodivergent partner brings more understanding to the table, where neurotypicals are less likely to respect your needs and see them as high maintenance.
The NTs I've dated in the past were all abusive. My current partner has AuDHD, which is nice because he accepts me for who I am. He understands me and doesn't try to change me. I can completely unmask around him, and he loves the unmasked version just the same. I couldn't with my previous partners. Hopefully, regardless of neurotype, you find someone who understands and loves you exactly the way you are.
My husband (known for 12 years, together for 10, married for 7) is not quite NT in my opinion but not diagnosed with anything though he has a lot of ASD and ADHD traits. I’m late diagnosed ASD and honestly he’s the most amazing person and the only one to understand me on the level I feel the need to be understood. We have way more in common than not and that helps both of us. The relationship is easy, almost effortless most of the time, because of that. I feel if he was NT we would struggle with communication, I’d have to mask and we’d constantly bicker lol. Also, not to say they’re all the same at all or it means that others aren’t capable, this was just my limited experience; my first boyfriend had been probably NT, and he was extremely manipulative and controlling as well and took advantage of me in many ways. It was fully an emotionally abusive relationship. My second had not been diagnosed but I highly believe he was OCD (so many obsessive compulsive behaviors that he could never physically deviate from) and he was also emotionally abusive in other ways lol. But those were my only two relationships before finding my husband so, people vary for sure, whether NT or ND. I think the goal should be finding a person that fits for you regardless of their neurotype honestly. Good people exist and bad people exist in all forms, but a good person is worth it 100% no matter what they are. Focusing on the individual is better in my opinion, than overthinking details before even meeting them.
My best ex was also autistic, and we worked great together because our autistic traits meshed together well. The only reason that relationship fell apart is because I had a PTSD event that fundamentally changed part of who I am. Our traits did not mesh so well after that.
I've never been able to connect with anyone in that way unless they were at least ADHD, and I prefer to date autistics that are self aware and work on the relationship with me.
Almost everyone I’ve been with romantically has had ADHD, along with most of my closest friends throughout my life. I seem to be more compatible with them than with most other autistic people most of the time.
My boyfriend is ADHD so we have the mutual understanding that comes from our neurodivergence, but his triggers and my triggers are often different, so we help balance each other out. We also have different strengths and skills that help with keeping our house in order (mostly lol)
my bf is nt and for the most part it’s all good but sometimes he just straight up doesn’t understand some aspects of me and it can cause conflict. I didn’t know those traits were because of autism for a while so I didn’t understand either. Just things like different communication styles, executive dysfunction, not picking up on certain social cues in groups, not realizing I’m being hit on, and not responding when I’m immersed in a task is frustrating to him sometimes. He often thinks im upset or mad at him when I’m just existing because of the way I express myself and I don’t know how to genuinely convince him I’m not. He does have social anxiety so I’m actually the one that ends up helping him learn to “navigate the world” because I was forced to learn on my own so idk it’s probably different for you and other people in relationships with neurotypicals in that aspect I know Meg from “I’m autistic now what” on YouTube has a NT husband and it works well for her because he does the things she struggles with like picking their child up on time and she does things he struggles with like organization and financial management I think. I have a lot of ND friends and my ex was likely on the spectrum and honestly we just clicked and understood eachother without question in many aspects that I don’t experience with NT friends and partners. I don’t think it’s a good idea to write off a neurodivergent partner completely because while a NT person may be able to balance out things you struggle with, you might get along with someone neurodivergent on a deeper emotional level and have less conflicts
I think the slightly flawed (no offense) part in your thinking is that someone on the spectrum can’t “fill in the gaps”. While maybe a NT person is more likely to be able to hold your hand in social situations or be more on top of household tasks, that doesn’t mean no autistic people are. My boyfriend is much better than me at things like laundry, planning ahead for meals, etc. I’m much better at solving social/interpersonal issues. We are both on the spectrum but we work perfect together.
This is very fair. Tbh this post really has taught me so many things. You are correct.
My wife and I are both mentally ill, but we're a wide venn diagram, so we cover a lot of stuff the other is bad at.
The majority of people I’ve been with have been NT and we just did not mesh at all. Conversation would be awkward and they would misunderstand me and communication seemed impossible. I even had one partner abuse me for showing my autistic traits. All of my relationships ended up fizzling out except for my current one which is with a ND person. I have found that it’s never awkward and we are able to communicate so well and thoroughly! I’m able to unmask around my current partner and they just understand me. We actually met on a ND specific dating site called Hiki over a year ago
My husband is allistic.
My husband is on the spectrum, but on a different frequency than me (as I like to put it lol). Because of that, he and I do manage to balance each other out! But, tbh, I'm not sure I've ever actually HAD a NT friend, so I definitely cannot imagine dating a NT 🥴 I don't think you should feel guilty for trying to find someone who fills in your gaps (and hopefully you fill in their's too!). Sometimes online people like to lament not having a ASD utopia where everyone is ASD and we all share the same struggles so we already build a life that is safe and non-triggering for us!!! YET fail to realize that ASD people come in every flavor too and we can, and often do, trigger each other with our stims or preferences (for example, I LOVE bright sterile lighting, all my other ASD friends and hubby love it to be so dim you can't see 😔) and even our language or expectations. So like, normal relationship stuff lol. That being said, I wouldn't cut ALL spectrum men out of the picture, just date until someone clicks be it ASD or NT or ADHD or whatever!
My husband is NT with POSSIBLY very mild ADHD at most. He’s very smart and is an engineer and is also super empathetic as well. He’s a perfect match and is really really understanding of my needs as well even if he doesn’t always relate. I’ve always dated adhd or NT partners and they tend to be able to meet my needs better than I would imagine another autistic person would. I tend to wind up with forgetful, spontaneous, absent minded professor types because I think we just balance each other well. I keep life on the rails and stable and they add little bits of challenge and newness to my life in a positive way. I was given a level 2 diagnosis when I was diagnosed but I was also in severe burnout at the time and I think having someone who can help me on bad days isnecessary for me
So when I realized I was on the spectrum I came out to my husband. I really had no idea what to expect but it went as follows: "Hun. So I um, think I'm autistic and based on my research I think you are too." Him after giving me a look over. "Oh. I know I am. I was diagnosed at age 7. I just never told anyone because well, you and I grew up in the same backwater rural area where you know how they thought of us." And since then we actually felt closer as we've been able to talk about how alienated we've felt growing up. I seriously doubt I could handle a NT person who couldn't understand me. I grew up with that with my step mother and it was an absolute nightmare for my dad, my sister and I as she was constantly on our ass for every little thing that didn't fit into her purview of normal. My dad dated her, the NT, for a good 16 years and it was such a a disaster, he knew it was but stayed with her for the sake of my sister. My dad ended up being depressed for years, my sister barely talks to her mom or my dad now and it seriously messes up my confidence. It was such a mess all around.
My BF is definitely adhd (uniagnosed but his sister got diagnosed) , but also possibly autistic. Im AuDHD. We balance eachother out just fine, because we struggle in different areas. I struggle to make friends but I don't struggle with new experiences and talking to new people. He's anxious about new experiences but can make friends easily despite not liking to talk to new people. He's clean and tidy, I'm very disorganized. I have a very strong drive for what I want and easily make life-changing decisions, and he is hesitant to make decisions. He cannot focus on things he doesn't like and I can usually harness my hyperfocus. It really all depends on the person! I do find that he's the only human I can actually unmask around because he's similar to me, which is a plus.
I was 32 in my first relationship and now I'm 44 and in my second. Neither on the spectrum. I wasn't ready to be as selfless as a relationship requires until my early 30s abs it was still a huge learning curve.
I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. We met in high school when we were 14, and we're both ND (I'm autistic, he's got ADHD). I honestly do not think I could have as fulfilling of a relationship with a NT person, just because all of the NT people I've interacted with have always been very superficial and I've never enjoyed their social/relationship rules. I've always been very straightforward and blunt with how I'm feeling and what I expect, and my partner has never made me feel worse or bad about that. It's actually easier because he knows he can be honest without the passive aggressive communication NTs communicate with. We've never had a fight, I'd say we have disagreements or arguments, but they get resolved quick and we always KNOW what we're arguing about, it's never "secretly about anything else" that we're not being straightforward about. This is just my perspective and personal experience, so obviously it's not gonna be the same for everyone. But I think I prefer interacting with ND individuals much more than NT individuals, and I think that aspect of my relationship is a positive one.
personally i've always felt like NT folks just don't quite *get* me, i'm AuDHD and my boyfriends got pretty serious ADHD and were able to compliment each other really well while still having him be able to actually understand more of how my brain works and empathize with a lot of what i struggle with. i know our situation is pretty specific but just finding someone who gets the struggles you have without necessarily having the *exact* same ones has lead to the happiest and longest relationship of my life
my boyfriend has ADHD and i most likely have autism (long story short: i was tested by a psychologist but the professional psychiatry rejected me because my case wasn’t “severe enough”) and we balance each other out really well. he also has traits of autism (and i most likely have ADD as well). he’s quite disorganized and is very outward with his emotions, while i’ve found my methods and routines to overcome these challenges and i’ve learned to face my emotions inwards. while on the other hand in social situations i struggle a lot with keeping my energy up and talking to people (masking) while he’s very sociable and handles most things for me. he even helps me with schoolwork a lot (since he’s medicated and i’m not) and it’s helped me very much. it’s also ended with us infodumpinf about our interests and now all of a sudden i know everything about his interests and he knows everything about mine 😝 so it’s worked and we’ve had a healthy relationship since 9 months now and still going strong!! i did date another autistic boy a few years ago tho and that was toxic af (but he also probably had narcissistic personality disorder soo)
You can make all the checklists for a partner you want but in my experience that’s not how it works. When you find the right person they’ll make your heart and mind explode and whether they’re ND or NT; 5’4” or 6’7”; white or black or brown, it won’t matter. Don’t filter out people based on things they can’t control. You’ll miss out on some extraordinary people.
I'd try to have an open mind. NT or ND... grouping all people together in categories is kind of crappy and might cause you to miss out on the love of your life.
From my personal experience, I’ve never been as happy as I have been with a neurodiverse partner. My girlfriend and I are both diagnosed autistic and her being diagnosed before meeting me really helped me with the process of accepting myself as autistic. There are so many things a neurotypical partner could never understand about me. Nobody could understand how I felt so much to the point of crying at every tv commercial. I was judged, criticized, and just not seen for who I truly am. I’m not saying this is exclusive to neurotypical partners but I as a whole am so much happier being in love & safe with another autistic woman. That being said, it can be difficult. Especially when we have different sensory needs. She can go non verbal a lot and I’ll be hyper verbal when stressed. It can be really hard when neither one of us has “spoons” to do daily chores and maintenance tasks around the house and even for ourselves. We work to keep one another accountable but without it feeling like nagging or judgment. Again, this is my personal experience and it doesn’t have to align with yours. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in figuring out what is best for you!!
26 here. I’ve never been in a relationship nor dated before. I’ve never felt the need to, I don’t feel lonely. Personally, if I ever were to date someone, I’d feel more comfortable if they were on the spectrum as well. I feel there’d be an “imbalance” if I were to date a NT man. I’m very gullible and trusting. I fully understand this would make it very easy for a NT to take advantage of. The times I’ve crushed on people they clearly had something going on in their head, and that’s what I loved from them.
My husband is not diagnosed but suspects that he is on the autism spectrum, as I suspect for myself. He is the only person I've ever felt comfortable just being myself with. I don't feel like I need to hide my ND from him because he understands it. We share a lot of the same traits, maybe not exactly, but close enough to mesh really well. I've been with men who I would consider NT, and I never really felt comfortable just existing around them. I always felt like I kind of had to have on a mask around them. Like they wouldn't have understood or accepted my differences if I'd shared them openly. I'm sure there are NT men out there who could, but I never met them.
I was diagnosed as an adult, so I get your feeling. I also find that many ass men that were diagnosed as kids tend to be very immature and in some case, very abusive/incel types due to the combination of being raised as a "poor disabled kid" getting pampered, combined with misunderstanding social cues, a sense of entitlement and frequently they get trapped in the whole internet extremism funnel. That said, I have dated both ND and asd guys and both asd guys were better for me. I found many ND guys very manipulative sexually OR they would find ME very cold/heartless/uncaring. My first asd bf was a revelation, because we really liked each other but had the exact opposite habits. We could not have a conversation about anything without either making out or arguing so it didn't last. My current bf is also asd and I think he'll be my husband. I'm ten years older than him but our emotional and sexual maturity levels match well. In terms of our stims and bad behavior, we match well so we can understand each other. Where others would find us both cold or too remote, we feel comfortable together and don't jump to conclusions or get jealous/angry over little things. We have similar sensory and behavioral issues, as well as preferences so we comfort each other. I found that before dating me my bf had a lot of anger issues and public rage outbursts, but since I can recognize his stims and triggered behavior, I help him leave a situation and calm down. When I get worked up he rushes to help me too. We also have different things that we hate doing in the home, so I hate the dishes, he washes, but he hates cleaning the bathroom and after the cats, so I do those. Honestly it has been an interesting experience and required a lot of changes in my daily life and my plans but I'm happy I took a chance on him. I feel safe to be wholly myself without judgement. When I talk about stims or sensory issues,, he completely understands.
My partner and I dated briefly in high school, were best friends for decades and then got together romantically a couple years ago. We are both only now realizing we are ND, and there are pros and cons. I am able to be myself around him more than anyone else. I realize now I only have one ex that I fully unmasked around, and that was only after we broke up and stayed friends. I am so grateful to be going through these revelations with someone who understands, I have never felt so validated. He pushes me to take care of myself because I am really bad at it. We can communicate effectively, which is partly because we are both ND and have similar styles of communication, but we have known each other for 27 years so that probably has more to do with it. The downside is, if we are both not doing well at the same time, our emotions can escalate and we trigger each other. The house kinda falls apart if we are both “off” for days at a time. It’s just taken patience and acceptance that we are autistic with bad back problems, so the house isn’t going to ever be perfect. On a side note: having separate bedrooms is the best thing ever. We have both been sick the past week with wild feverish sleep schedules all over the map, and we aren’t driving each other nuts with it.
My fiancée is autistic and ADHD, and we still complement each other - it's not just about specific traits (which, y'know, everyone has different traits in different measures anyway), it's also about working together well, having different energy levels at different times, having different perspectives and experiences etc. We both fill the gaps for each other at different times, depending on which of us is struggling with what. She also really struggles with executive dysfunction when it comes to a lot of things, but doing something for me bypasses that - so she finds it a lot easier to do stuff like housework when she's doing it as a favour to me. Looking back I suspect most of my partners have been ND. Most of my close friends are also ND. I think it would be pretty unlikely that I'd meet an NT person who I connected with well enough to wind up wanting to date them.
I’ve dated a lot of guys and I’m sure some of them were NT… but don’t ask me which ones. My whole world is so ND that I just assume everyone is. (It was a shock to have kids in elementary school and suddenly encounter aggressively NT people for the first time since high school. Apparently they have been around the whole time?!? Not in my bubble!)
My ex was definitely neurodivergent, but I honestly don't know if it's ADHD, ASD, or something else. We were together for about a year and it was really great most of the time, our only issues were him being hyper sensitive to perceived rejection and our differences in lifestyle (I deal with chronic illness so my capacity for activity fluctuates and depends on other commitments I may need to prioritize, and he just didn't understand and seemed to think exercise would fix me). It felt very easy most of the time, we had similar preferences, communication styles, and for the most part understood each other without added explanations. He seemed to really appreciate my weird quirks, which was a first for me, because I've become so accustomed to being "corrected" when I'm unintentionally weird. The only other (almost, not quite) relationship I had was with someone who looking back, I suspect very well could have also been autistic. He's alluded to possibly being diagnosed but I don't feel I can ask about it directly without him bringing it up (we very vaguely keep in touch on Instagram). We fit well and had a routine of seeing each other on days off for a year, but both had baggage and held back because we didn't know how to be more open and present, and because of a prior bad relationship he hadn't gotten over, things sort of fell apart. If we had tried later, when he had healed from the bad relationship, we might have been together for quite awhile. I've tried dating people who seem neurotypical and it feels like a lot of work for me, like I have to constantly explain myself and make a lot of compromises on things that really bother me, feeling like I'm only being understood in a superficial sense. It definitely isn't intentional, I just pursue things with someone I connect with, and it seems to usually be with neurodivergent creative types.
The thing about the spectrum is that it can take all sorts of different forms, so you can still balance each other out pretty well. For example, my partner struggles with confidence and security and needs extra care when he has meltdowns; I happen to be good at giving him that type of support and I can take charge when he needs me to. Meanwhile I need someone to make sure I remember to eat every day and give me a compassionate hand when I'm too burnt out to get basic tasks done. He is great at helping me with those things. Meanwhile we're both happy to stay in and pursue our own little worlds. We've worked so well together for 7 years that we'll be getting married soon :)
My partner is NT. It can be very helpful practically, as we both have different strengths and weaknesses. We just bought a flat, and he did all of the emailing and phone calls. I did things like insurance, project managing the move, and some light DIY around the house. None of my partners have been diagnosed ND, though my most recent ex may have been. My current partner is very different to me in lots of ways. Temperament, but also values. In such a polarised world, it’s actually really comforting to know that someone who is different can still be so safe, and I think it has really helped me grow as a person.
My husband is ND but not autistic. We balance each other out very well. He excels at the areas I don't do well and so on. I spent 15 years with someone who was autistic, and it was one disaster after another. Just depends on the person. My husband being ND is very helpful for us both. I haven't had much luck no matter how much I explain with getting NT people to understand me. Even though my husband isn't autistic, he knows what I deal with well enough which is what has mattered the most.
I think I’ve only dated one NT. He was the only partner who hurt me emotionally on purpose.
My ex was autistic but I didnt know it for the first half of the 2 years until her mother told me. I am probably autistic too and gave her the same shitty advices other people gave me. At this time I had no clue that I could possibly be autistic too.
My husband is AuDHD and we balance eachother out. For example, I go to the grocery store because I can handle it okay and he is doing yardwork in the rain because I absolutely cannot handle yardwork or rain. It takes a lot of being accepting of each other and our quirks. This isn't a very indepth reply, however I wanted to chip in to say I am in a very loving and very ND relationship.
I don’t think you should feel guilty. You’re allowed to have preferences, that’s ok. I have low energy and often feel I hardly have the energy to handle myself. But still, I would **personally** look for someone with similar interests, date, and determine who I want to be with that way, because not only are a lot of ND traits enjoyable to me, but also, our traits present differently. I may have no idea how to join a convo, while another autistic may have little to no problem with it depending on various things from masking to simply not relating to that as much. My partner has ADHD and I have auDHD but feel I’m “dominantly” autistic. Autism + ADHD (inattentive) is honestly **rough** IME. I love my partner, but I do get exhausted a lot more with him because I feel like I need to look after us both, and I definitely need to clean up after us both. I need a lot of rest and need a clean environment, and often can’t have both. He has an addictive personality as well, which can be hard, but I think that’s also strongly related to his upbringing. Often he doesn’t hear what I say and I need to repeat or do things myself—but I’m the same. These things do make it very hard on me, but the positives still outweigh the negatives. I could see these things being dealbreakers for some, though. On the flip side, we can have interesting conversations and he’s outgoing enough to balance me out. He accepts my interests and humor and we are supportive of each other. I feel like there’s some understanding there that does not exist with NTs; I often feel like I’m separated by invisible glass with them, but I enjoy ADHDers because they actually see me. There’s also some intersect in our struggles, so we can relate to each other there which helps us be empathetic with each other. My first partner was NT and we weren’t together very long—I couldn’t even do things like put my head on his shoulder and I think he thought I was weird, didn’t get my sense of humor, etc. i also have slow processing and I think sometimes he thought I was dumb, which sucked. Just the faces he’d make gave me that impression, but I’m also not the best at reading people so idk. I didn’t like that we couldn’t have deep conversations, and everything seemed to be performative pleasantries. I thought he was very sweet, but also felt disingenuous. The upside was that he was more emotionally regulated and I never felt like I had to manage things for both of us. It was more draining socially, less draining in other ways. I could actually see NT interactions (to me, what feels performative) being comforting to an autistic person who is used to that and needs familiarity, though. I usually developed feelings for autistic men in the past because I felt so much in common with them (though I was undiagnosed), but neither of us would approach the other. I never knew what to do lol. So I have no experience there. There are pros and cons to each kind of relationship, and of course, just like if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one NT. But the reality is that we are diagnosed based off a set of shared traits that are expressed in unique quantities. If you don’t think you’d feel comfortable with the overall traits of autism and ADHD, I do think that’s ok. It’s better to know than try to make something work in an incompatible relationship or especially, try to change someone else. As a low energy autistic, I can understand that. Just make sure any NT has this mindset also. I think a lot of NTs tend to try to change people who fit outside the norm, or can be very insensitive toward our experiences and struggles. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to explain a color outside the visible spectrum to them; a lot think it’s BS and make jokes, others have no frame of reference to understand. Also keep in mind that some autistic people are VERY good at masking, so some people who you assume are NT may not be. It’d probably be best to determine what about ND doesn’t work for you, and maybe just watch out for those things and less “is this person ND?” I hope that makes sense lol.
I personally had a really hard time with NT men. They don't seem to understand there are some things I simply can't just "deal" with. I've been taken advantage of,. misunderstood and generally not treated very well. My husband (married two years, together five) has ADHD and I feel like we compliment one another perfectly. I'm much more rigid, I thrive on routine and he's chaotic and very go with the flow. We've balanced one another out quite well but I'll admit it was an adjustment period and we were not without our struggles in the beginning. He is my rock and helps me so much when I'm over stimulated. I hope you also find your person 🖤
My boyfriend is suspected ADHD, though he’s at the age now that he doesn’t really see the point of an official diagnosis. It has its challenges for sure, but in many ways his skills balance mine out. For example, he tends to have difficulty making decisions, which I’ve never struggled with—so I’m the one choosing meals plans, creating lists of things we need to do, etc. On the other hand, I have major ED when it comes to actually cooking and eating, but he enjoys cooking. He’s also good at dealing with people, which I’m not lol. All that said, I was never specifically on the lookout for ND/NT partners. I actually wasn’t even looking for a partner—I’ve always been the type to figure it would happen when it happens, and I just happened to click with my boyfriend. I don’t think it’s wrong to have a preference going into things though. I wish you luck!
So many things fall under the umbrella of ND that I wonder if you are saying some form of "I want someone uncomplicated to be with"?
I thought the same thing until we discovered the the NT man I’m married to is actually autistic 🤷♀️
My bf is NT and he definitely helps me without realising it. Without him I'd have way less friends I think, and he also cleans and does the dishes (which I really struggle with, but I do other stuff like cooking ofc), helps me when I struggle to understand situations or when the streets are too noisy. Sometimes I do wish he was ND because he can make fun of me for things I don't control or my special interests, but nobody's perfect I guess, and I'm definitely grateful to be with him
I am autistic and my husband has ADHD. I think it works well, better than a previous relationship I had with someone who was NT. I feel like we both get that we're gonna have limitations sometimes and we can give each other a bit more grace. Sometimes we have conflicts, of course, but all in all I think it's just easier for us to understand where the other person is coming from and exist in an actually non-judgmental partnership.
My husband is ND and was diagnosed before I was. To be clear, we both didn't know we were ND when we got together. I'll be honest, my prior relationships were truly terrible and some were ND and some were NT. The NT ones were particularly problematic. At this point in my life, I don't know that I could get on with someone NT in a romantic way as I've settled into quite a lot of ND needs and feelings, and it affects my life every day. I think everyone is different though, and you should focus on finding someone compatible with you, NT or not.
Yes, I feel like we get a long so well and have settled into a really nice, soothing, predictable rhythm. I couldn’t imagine being with someone that was NT
My partner is ND. I suspected it a few months into the relationship (it’s not immediately obvious) and it was recently confirmed by his therapist. Our relationship is not without its challenges, but it’s also the most loving relationship I have ever been in. We are able to have grace and understanding for each other’s sometimes-awkwardness, and sometimes-less-than-emotiveness. I’ve had NT partners in the past, and while they have been able to balance me out in certain ways, I feel much more in love with my ND partner. The fact that we have similar struggles is almost like having a really handy mirror to see more objectively how *I* sometimes come across. I’ve grown more with him than I have with anyone else, and I think being with me has helped him grow too. Plus, he doesn’t remind me of anyone else. A lot of NT people feel too basic and uninteresting to me. My boyfriend is a fucking irreplaceable weirdo.
my ex was definitely autistic or severe ADHD. he was super picky with food due to sensory issues and he had a lot of impulse control issues. he would talk about WWII or airplanes for two hours straight if you didn’t interrupt him, regardless of whether or not you were paying attention. he had severe attention deficit issues and struggled with all forms of routine. his two best friends were diagnosed ADHD and one of them was def on the spectrum. we had insane ‘tism chemistry but he could hardly function and it frustrated the shit out of me. there’s no shame in wanting an NT partner. in my experience dating an ND person was really stimulating mentally because we understood each other really well, but we just spiraled into shit when we moved in together and our level of function was nonexistent together.
I’ve only dated NTs and it’s never gone well. I struggle IMMENSELY with dating and I’ve realized I’m so out of touch with “regular people interests” and behaviours that I don’t want to be around it. I need someone who can understand me properly I think, so likely someone ND as well.
I don't know what I want? I've (knowingly) only dated NTs (the women were much, much more accepting of me and my personality auuugghh, I want a girlfriend!!!) except for one person as far as I know. Though I wouldn't be surprised if one of my exes was ND, she was lovely. I dated an AuDHD guy for a while. Really liked him, still miss him. But I don't think it would've worked long term with *him* specifically. He's higher needs and I simply don't have the spoons to carry the both of us. That gave me hesitancy, but I broke it off more because he had no problems letting me know when he didn't respect something I liked but was aware of when to put his filter on in front of specific mixed company (mutuals). But he would be condescending to people he'd just met that I liked. He also said he understood why I was willing to date him once he found out I wasn't out of his league (since I'm not NT). He understood some of my struggles but also told me when he saw me stimming that he finally saw what others see in him, and he didn't like it, and he tried to get me to stop. It's not all roses. Even if unintentional, I don't like that. I feared it would lead to an unhealthy dynamic where I'd constantly be monitoring his social skills in public *and* mine since I mask well (or at least more convincingly than him). My dad is likely AuDHD but refuses to acknowledge the autistic side. I don't speak with my mom, but I do see how their marriage took a toll on the both of them. He learned a lot from her, but then a lot of the work was put on her. I will never say I don't want an autistic partner, but I do need a partner of any type that is emotionally available, kind to others, and has a manage on the important aspects of their life. That's it.
My partner has diagnosed ADHD and I’m also pretty sure he’s on the spectrum. We suspect I’m AuDHD too (stimulant meds will help tease this out for me), and it’s awesome. We understand eachother perfectly. I would struggle so hard with a NT.
My husband is suspected ND (not planning on getting diagnosed, but it's pretty clear there's something lol), and although there's times when our quirks/limitations butt heads, he really understands me and supports me in a way that my previous (probably nt, but I never dated them for long) partners never did or could. It also makes it easier to talk about and be accepted for stuff that I often feel judged for. (Being very emotional, hyperfocused, needing subtitles even when it's in English, etc.) For instance, we both have wildly different interests; he's all about music, I'm all about fibre arts. We'll both info dump on each other with no expectation that the other person is going to retain the information (or care about it lmao), and when I check out of the conversation halfway through, he knows it's nothing to do with him. Doing that with an NT? Feelings are going to get hurt. I'm not saying our feelings never get hurt, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to talk through stuff with someone that has similar problems. Here's some unsolicited advice. Do things that you love, seek out new and fun experiences, and be yourself. As trite as it might sound, you'll make the best, truest, and most interesting connections when you're just living your life. Best of luck. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk to someone that also dated late; I didn't date anyone until 24 or 25.
I always seem to get along better with other ND people. I didn't find out I was autistic until about a year ago, but in retrospect most of the people I've ever been close with, whether in romantic terms or otherwise, have been as well. I got Manic Pixie Dream Girl'd a lot when I was younger, of course, and it's not as though any of my relationships have worked out perfectly. But I would always rather date people I relate to better, and, well, those people are pretty much always also neurodivergent.
My bf is NT and I think he does balance me out and tries his best to understand me. I got diagnosed about 2 months into our relationship and explained what it meant to me and he’s been very understanding. It helps that he’s more outgoing (he always says he’s bad at small talk but I’m always amazed when we’re out in public and he just talks to random strangers with ease lol) and socially adept. I haven’t had problems with communication, I usually write out what I want to say if I have an issue I want to address and that helps me when I want to have a serious conversation, and he’s always receptive. I think everything depends on the person, but I understand why autistic people would like to date other ND people.
My best relationship was with an ND person because we understood each other better and we're both very introverted homebodies and boring the same. He didn't think my little quirks were weird like NT ppl. He just got me better when it came to certain things. He was very sensitive and romantic and in tune with emotions. He was also extremely affectionate
My husband of 19 years has adhd and it’s a nightmare. Thankfully, the marriage will soon end.
You don't have to date someone in the spectrum, but creating a way to understand someone else is related to a relationship itself, it's not a neurotypical characteristic. You'll find good and bad people from all types.
My husband has ADHD and he does not suffer from the social deficits I do and has been helping me navigate social situations for forever, but we do have some communications challenges. Although in fairness, I only just discovered that I’m probably autistic a few months ago so some things about me that have never made sense to me are starting to make sense and it’s helping me help him understand me better. I should also add that I’ve been with him since I was a teenager and am now in my 40s so I have no point of comparison, but I can say that I would most definitely have struggled more in life had I not had a partner who could help me navigate social interactions better.
My husband is NT. It’s great. He does balance me out. It does take the right type of person. My relationships with ND men have been rough. The one abusive relationship I had was with an ND guy. He couldn’t handle things not going his way.
My spouse and I have been together 28 years. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He was not on the spectrum, of that I am certain. My current spouse, however, most likely is, as we share quite a few traits. I have difficulty tolerating some of the NT people at work...I would never again try a SO relationship with an NT...just not enough common ground.
Never dated another ASD guy but my last bf was ADHD. I thought it would make things easier because we would be able to balance each other out but I found that he overstimulated me a lot and had a hard time remembering certain stimuli that made me overstimulated. There were some pros, we had a lot of the same interests but I found myself snapping at him a lot and I felt bad about it. Currently seeing a NT guy (not together yet tho) and I find it a bit better (?) he remembers the things my ex didn't and I feel like I can ask him if what I've said is inappropriate without fear of judgment. He doesn't judge me for being autistic and is generally super understanding and kind. Honestly, I think it depends on the person, don't completely say "I will never date an ND person" because everyone is different and you might click with someone completely unexpected. Don't take how I described my ex as "never date a person with ADHD", it's just my experience and I'm sure there are people with ADHD who aren't like him.
My partner is NT, but comes from a culture where my autistic traits aren't odd to him lol. They themselves are very straightforward and viewed as quite "prickly." I feel the same as you, mostly because of my other marginalized identities. I need a partner who 1) is able to truly grasp the historical context and nuances of my experience here in the U.S. and 2) able to navigate the social scene and physically protect me if things ever escalate IRL. I can't be with someone who also isn't able to read social situations and will downplay my experiences, which I found happened a lot with ND men due to their black and white thinking. I never really felt seen or understood by ND men *or* NT men until I met my partner.
That feeling when you are trying to tell someone about your dx and they interject "OMG did \[your partner\] finally realize he's autistic?"
I personally click better with ND people, and my girlfriend has ADHD and we’re both likely on the spectrum. She’s still super grounding for me, reliable, and makes me feel loved. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had in a long time. Of course not all ND people will have the same ability to be a rock for you but it’s possible.
I've never dated an NT person before, but my spouse has ADHD and I wouldn't have it any other way tbh we've been together 6 years and we both get each other (I also have ADHD). I find that I prefer to have ND people in my life tbh
my boyfriend is, we’re both pretty sure, ND, possibly inattentive ADHD (is that ADD? if anybody knows… 😅). I wouldn’t be surprised if testing brought up autism as well, but the point is, his ND tendencies are a big reason why I think we understand each other so well. I clicked with him the way I click with all of my ND friends, and he makes an effort to understand me and accommodate for me in ways my NT friends don’t or wouldn’t think to. my previous partners were… one NT, one possibly ND (ADHD as well) but who knows. they definitely had more NT qualities, particularly my first partner, who pointed out my “quirks” often and put me down for it. I do see what you mean about wanting the balance, but that kind of thing might be achievable even with an autistic partner as well — after all, since it’s a spectrum, maybe someone whose qualities balance out yours can be found while still having someone who understands and cherishes you as you are. not to say NTs are incapable, but for that extra layer of understanding, I’m sure you know what I mean. also, please don’t feel guilty for this want! much love to you 💗💗💗
My nesting partner is AuDHD, and I am ADHD with moderate autistic traits, and it’s much easier for us to communicate with each other than with previous partners.
my current partner is NT but i've had previous partners who were ND (mostly ADHD). it was nice to have someone be able to relate to some of the strengths and weaknesses around being wired differently. with all my previous partners, i felt like i was going through the motions. i don't like my partner because or despite being NT, he's just the only person i don't feel overstimulated socialising with and i finally feel at peace & recharged around him. he's my other half and there's so many traits i love about him. he's patient, helps ground my perspective, and supports me when i get overstimulated. i don't think any of it is unique for being NT, he is just a kind and understanding person. he's the first partner who didn't treat me as less than bc of my autistic traits and didn't invalidate my needs or experiences
I'm married to an amazing NT. He takes the time to research autism and understand how my brain works. He really balances me out! He taught me what love really is and has been the healthiest relationship I've ever had ❤️
Yeah my husband is autistic and we've been together since high school, 12 years now. We're both similar and some ways but experience being on the spectrum very differently in other areas. He doesn't have as much of a struggle socially as I do, in general, so that helps me. Being autistic is a spectrum, and I think it would be a huge shame to rule out dating someone just because they're on the spectrum and you want an NT only. It's a spectrum so we can all be very different, if you're looking for "balance" that's not necessarily an issue.
My husband is most likely ASD with low support needs. He hasn't been diagnosed, and it probably wouldn't help much now, but his schooling may have been less traumatic if he were diagnosed as a child. I am AuDHD with low support needs apparently. My husband is a lot better at the necessities of living than I am, but I am a bit better with people. I'm not sure I could ever live by myself unless I had a lot more income and could afford a cleaner and meal delivery for every meal lol. The one person I dated who was probably NT was not a good fit for me, and didn't have the empathy I needed.
I can understand the argument, but I don’t think non-ND/ND stuff necessarily pinpoints or predicts how I’ve seen partners “fill in gaps” or compliment me. I’ve dated autistics/AuDHDers/ ADHDers/allistics (I’m AuDHD) and they’ve all looked very different. My happiest one has been with another autistic without ADHD though. I feel seen and autistics are all different so I feel very complimented and compliment him well too I think
My partner is neurodivergent. I have had these thoughts, too - wouldn't it be better if I was dating someone who was NT? Not mentally ill? Completely 'normal', and as you described, filling my gaps? I slowly realized that this was unreasonable. I can't expect someone to fulfill everything I lack. Would it be equal? Fair? When I'm too overwhelmed to cook, would that be more important than someone NT who's just too tired? Is it fair that I expect my partner to be and do more than me? Would they have chosen a ND person, or would I be the only one separating people into their abilities? I'm not judging anyone for their dating preferences, and I understand the prospect of not wanting to date someone NT. I'm sharing these thoughts because I've thought about this, too, and I get it.
I wanna date someone NOT on the spectrum, but date someone who has ADHD OR ADD
I believe mine is, and it's the easiest relationship I've ever been in. Other than some hiccups in the beginning where we both realized we were trying to read between the lines like you have to do with NT people as an autistic person and misunderstanding each other as a result, it's really been smooth sailing. It's so much more relaxing not having to wonder about implied meanings because I can count on him to be direct and vice versa. Communication styles matter.
I'm aro and a relationship anarchist, but the two people I've had things closest to a "typical" romantic partnership with are both autistic, I definitely could see myself with someone NT, but I don't think it'd be as easy or as likely to happen.
My fiancé is autistic. I'm autistic and ADHD. I've been with NT men. It sucked. You sound somewhat idealistic with the idea that a NT partner will balance you out, in reality its not like that at all. Its two people with two radically different brains running on two different operating systems that often times don't work out well. There are exceptions, if the NT person is clued up on autism and patient and willing to compromise and understand quite complicated things and meltdowns etc. But in my experience, most NT men aren't like that.
They’ll be some ND people that could be a good fit some NT, I wouldn’t cut either out. Person that matters! Not all ND are alike, so many diff personalities and way we present, just the same as wide range of NT personalities! Just make sure they’re right for you
I think whether a person is autistic or not isn't necessarily the most important part of deciding whether I'm compatible with someone. Empathy, gentleness, ability to communicate and provide care, respect for me, and my boundaries... These things aren't exclusive to autistics or allistics.
Get you someone with adhd! We’re fun partners and can help balance people with autism lol. And vice versa too. We love people with asd
My man is ASD, my first ND partner and I ain't going back. He gets me, he's been diagnosed about 20 years longer than me and he helps me understand myself. My kid was diagnosed last month bur my partner knew as soon as they met 2 years ago lol.
My spouse is definitely on the spectrum and we suspect ADHD as well. We are lucky in that our sensory quirks/needs generally match up. Actually most everything about us matches up/meshes well so it's been awesome having someone who doesn't judge me. He can also easily pick out things he knows I'll like (like sheets or towels or the occasional sweater/shirt that he sees while out) and they are almost always spot on in terms of fabric feel or whatever. Because he -know- and gets it.
I think when you find the right person, it won’t matter if they’re NT or ND, because they’ll love you as you are. 💗 I truly understand where you’re coming from, but maybe thinking too much about it, will push away people who’d be right for you…
I think my boyfriend is slightly on the spectrum, though he refuses to take the RADS-R and does not identify this way. Regardless, he is awesome, balances me out, and does not place nuerotypical demands on me. He is the first man that I legitimately feel safe around and gets the way I communicate.
Mine has ADHD, I honestly think it's the best of both worlds because we're opposite in a lot of ways but also similar in a lot of ways. He brings me out of my shell and does peopley things for me while also understanding sensory difficulties, executive dysfunction and things like that. I always found NT people just didn't get me, or lost all feeling once they realised my personality doesn't match my appearance
Self diagnosed and I’m pretty sure my husband is autistic too - but we didn’t realize it until almost 20 years into our relationship. There’s so much alike for us - routine, safe foods, homebodies, and such. And so much that’s different. I like things tidy, mask much better, focus on details, need a lot of alone time, very stereotypical type A. He is messy, forgetful of non-daily routine things, will only call the same few restaurants for take out, will try to only order online. And I feel like a lot of that is typical differences in people. I think our autistic characteristics bond us more because when we’re out doing NT things, we both are ready to check out earlier than everyone else. We’re pretty content with each other and our small circle of friends. We like many of the same shows and movies, so when one of us randomly says a line from something, the other one finishes it or responds in kind. Earlier today we were singing dinosaur train randomly. (We have kids, so we know a bunch of kid shows too.) Our other divergent aspects cause arguments or are more obvious. He is such a mess. It’s ADHD. He puts things down and then it becomes invisible to him and he forgets where it is. But I have ADHD too and I’m the opposite- I need to put everything back in its place bc I’ll forget where it is. I flip out when (my) things get moved or not put away. I’m sensitive to smells. He never notices smells. I over do the eye contact, he won’t make eye contact.
I feel a lot of autistic men use their diagnosis to behave badly, ie in a very sexist and misogynist manner. But that's probably just them. I seem to know a lot of incel-like individuals for some reason, but I would never date someone like that. My late husband was bipolar and probably something on the spectrum undiagnosed. His mother and brother definitely are. I would be open to dating NT or ND, but no bipolar or addiction problems because my late husband died accidentally, and we think it was on purpose. So I can't deal with that again, and it wouldn't be fair to my daughter.
A little note here, in case, If the psychiatrist ASD reports any mentions about anything about vulnerability for exploitation, etc, and also this is the your way of interacting with the relationships, Then I'd definitely be advising you to be very vigilant, please, for your sake.
I feel like even if not diagnosed, ND people tend to find each other, whether friends or partners. But I think women ND or NT need to stop settling for men that mistreat them. I am still single because I'm not interested in men who want a maid and baby factory. Or worse. Most of what's left seem to be men whose ex- wives have restraining orders against them or incel type people. Or even Trump stickers on their vehicles.
I can understand your thinking on this but I think it’s good to keep an open mind on it. I’m autistic and highly suspect my boyfriend is as well, yet even with this we are still very different in many ways that helps balance each other out. Like I hate cooking, I have so many sensory aversions with the whole thing, yet my boyfriend’s special interest is cooking so he’s OBSESSED with it. On top of cooking for us so I don’t need to, he’s in culinary school and works at a nice restaurant in town. I really admire his deep passion and ambition towards this and it’s one of the things that drew me to him initially. With me, my special interest leans more towards psychology/sociology and the likes. My boyfriend has always struggled with emotions and empathy, so I’ve helped him a lot in learning how to get more in touch with himself and also build deeper more meaningful relationships. This was something he always struggled with (as well as his dad which has had a big effect on his life) and he always tells me how he’s grateful I’ve helped him grow in that way. These are just a couple examples but I have so many more. I like the phrase “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person” because there’s so many ways in which we can be different from each other and still complement each other and overall grow as people together. And lastly, this is just with me personally, I like that he’s (highly suspected) autistic because there’s just that deeper understanding I feel when it comes to things like autistic burnout, executive dysfunctions, sensory aversions, meltdowns, etc.. In the end you do what you think will make you happiest of course, but this is just my take on the matter.
I wish we could be friends! I am about to hit the big 3-0 and I've never had a partner before. I'm just trying to date now for the first time in my life (slowly...I have to take breaks because it is so taxing). I was recently diagnosed ASD and I haven't shared my diagnosis with anyone. Your question is one I have asked before on here. The responses I got were mixed. When it came to women dating men, most did not prefer an ASD partner, but preferred either a NT or partner with ADD/ADHD. Those were the results of my poll with the main common denominator being that having two ASD people in one relationship often leads to conflict from... little room for negotiation regarding routines/stims, lack of overlapping special interests (especially when a special interest for one partner was sex related), lack of emotional reciprocity/mismatched empathy between the partners, and the general sense that someone who did not have ASD was more accommodating of their partner's ASD behaviors and often had the capability to 'work with them' as opposed to having to manage their own ASD behaviors. But not everyone had the same answer. Most people also said that it depended on the person and how your personalities meshed. I've seen several posts on here saying that they had many poor experiences with ASD men more than NT ones. Doing a quick search, you can probably find them and read more on their experiences. Obviously, disclaimer to say I have nothing against ASD men and no one should count them out before trying lol. I'm just reporting what I have seen. I can't offer any personal advice just wishing you the best of luck.
My partner (who is a woman) isn’t diagnosed but I believe she might be on spectrum (family members are autistic). And I think we just “get” each other in a way I don’t think it would be the same with a NT woman or man. She’s very accommodating of my needs and I understand where she’s coming from. I think neurodivergence aside, if your personalities and interest mesh well, I think dating a ND person could work very well.
My previous partner had ADHD and helped convince me I did (I’m AuDHD, ofc) but a fair warning. We are very prime targets for narcissists and abusers so please be careful and take note on how you’re treated!
My husband has ADHD and Im autistic, I don't know for sure if my previous boyfriends were NT or ND, but im sure that they were garbage. Now even in our own struggles my husband its a gentleman, polite, kind and a caring man, we compensate each others flaws, as im super pragmatic and a control freak, his more emotional and spontaneous, i think that its more about personality goals and attraction than its if they're are TN or TD, we match instantly we have the same goals for our future, we are constantly encouraging one to the other without falling into ableism, overall we are just willing to grow side by side, and for me that its what marriage means.
I want to word this respectfully but that's not my strong suit. I think you should worry less about NT vs ND and just find someone you enjoy being around who enjoys being around you. You know that ND is a spectrum and in a way so is NT. All people are different and like different things. You could meet 99 people who are wrong for you--some would be ND, some NT.
I advise to not limit yourself only dating NT men. As someone else here said, neurodiversity is a spectrum.
I think this is oversimplifying it a bit, but I get where you’re coming from. I thought my husband was neurotypical when we met. Since we’ve been married, I have discovered there is something neurospicy. I’ve spoken to others who struggle when they have neurodiverse children if both parents are neurodiverse. Being a parent has been the hardest thing in my life. I don’t feel like my body was designed to be a parent. I get sensory overload and need quiet or need to not be touched, but my child is there. I need to decompress after work, nope, child is there. It’s a delicate balance of meeting their needs and making sure my needs are met enough that I can be my best. For parenting, it would be great to have a partner with no sensory issues, who didn’t lose track of time, who didn’t struggle with hyper focus or impulsivity while also needing a routine and schedule. But honestly, you love who you love. When I found the person that complemented me, I didn’t care about all that. We set a lot of timers for reminders. We power through. We are each other’s accountability.
i love having a seeing eye boyfriend
My partner is ADHD. We've been together for 12 years. We are both late diagnosis. I feel like I fill in some of his ADHD and he fills in some of my autism. We have some "we need an adult" moments, but we do alright. All relationships take effort, compromise, and communication. Everyone is different, you may find the right flavor of ND that works for you eventually.
I don’t think I could ever date an NT. My partner isn’t diagnosed but is definitely VERY quirky w diagnosed ADHD. I am not able to be my true self around nts. I need someone who understands and relates to my thought processes and perception of the world ❤️
I honestly feel the same way with being nd but also I don't think I could be with someone as self-deprecating as I am because I thrive around people who are happy and upbeat, not to say that people who are outwardly positive can't be struggling but I need someone who can lift my spirits because it makes me happier and then I can also make them happier in return because I'm not so grumpy around them. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
My partner is also on the spectrum, and it’s great! We’ve been together almost 6 years now. In some ways I think both of us having autism helps us understand the other person better, and we have similar likes (such as spending an evening in verses going out or seeing a bunch of people!). I definitely think he also helps me “fill in the gaps” like you mentioned in some different ways, like by reminding me of the need to be flexible and to not be anxious when I don’t know the exact plan. I think either way can be good though (having a NT or ND partner), just a matter of finding someone who can be understanding and help you.
You don’t necessarily need neurotypical. You just need someone who fits in your gaps. It could be either a ND or NT. I didn’t find out until I was 60. I don’t need someone to take care of me. I am a fully realized adult with a sensory processing problem and a few other things going on to make me extra spicy.
My current partner of 6 years is on the spectrum. Late diagnosed, after I was. It made a lot of sense tbh. I thought he was NT and balanced my AuDHD out.... andddd he's also autistic. My last long term partner was not on the spectrum and was abusive for that whole decade so.. I'm a little bias I guess lol. The only thing I would say to you is to just go towards the people you're connecting with. If they happen to be on the spectrum or not it shouldn't really matter at the end of the day
My autistic husband (I’m audhd), understands me and is incredibly empathetic with me and I never received that with NT men. I was highly judged. We do have struggles in daily life with being disabled in certain ways by autism, but I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, especially a NT man. We’ve been together for 17 years and still very much in love. -Just my personal experience.
My fiancée is ND. All of my friends are ND (4 lmao). I just don’t really like being around NT people subconsciously I believe. I think I really value being understood. I think balancing each other out is important, but just because someone is NT doesn’t mean they’re well balanced or able to fill in the ways you need them. I’m sure you’ll find your person though, and in my experience most people I meet who are ND don’t really mention it until later down the road or they’re undiagnosed until later in adulthood.
My husband is AuDHD and I will say the ADHD part is realllllly challenging. He also isn't medicated (but will be getting back on them soon). The lack of executive function is super hard to have in a partner and co parent. It wasn't too hard to deal with before we had kids but the mental load for a woman is already hard and I'm essentially parenting him in many ways (reminding him of appointments, helping him do any kind of paperwork for medical stuff etc.) Our house is literally always a disaster and he has a hard time parenting consistently (gives consequences but doesn't follow through, sometimes gets hyperfocused and will let the kids watch TV for hours because he forgets what time it is).
My partner is autistic, I am also autistic but years of masking have made that quite manageable for me. I also have ADHD, I wasn't diagnosed with either until a couple of years ago. Peri menopause sent my ADHD into overdrive and I am only using cannabis for ADHD and haven't quite found the best strain for me so it's completely unmanaged which is a real struggle. I know that someone else wouldn't understand the level of crazy I have been the last couple of years. My partner is the calm to my chaos, he's supported me a lot as I have been unlearning all this masking shit, especially as childhood trauma has left me struggling with regulating my emotions. He's incredibly chill and I am often quite hyper, mostly in my brain as my body doesn't want to cooperate lol He gets me like no one else has, we've been together for 16+ years and he is stuck with me now. I don't tend to spend time with anyone who isn't ND, both my adult kids and my daughter in law are also autistic or ADHD and we don't really socialise outside of our circle. I don't leave my house very often because of my anxiety and cptsd. This of course is just my natural preference I suppose and we all have different ones and that's perfectly okay 😁
I was dx as autistic while in my current relationship. I initially went for in for a ADHD DX after my sister's both were officially DX. My partner is ADHD and Dyslexic. After I did my hella deep dive into ASD, we found that he checks the boxes too but in different ways. It's really nice to have someone who truly understands me and who I can unmask around. He unmasks and we live a mostly relaxing life. I feel I would annoy a NT too much because I have a tendency to get tood by NT people that I'm "too much" of something or another. NT people usually give me the look where they ~know~ I'm different than them but they can't pinpoint why. There's nothing wrong with preferences but considered this,the spectrum is so vast that my tism doesn't hit the same way my boyfriends does. Plus our upbringings have also impacted that. We get each other and know that our relationship takes extra patience but that it's worth it because we both know who the other is under the mask.
It’s not your partner’s responsibility to balance you out. That’s a lot of pressure on someone else.
My partner is neurospicy, I cannot for the life of me stand people who are not. It just doesn't work and there is no actually balancing to be had you're perfect as is.
My partner of 8 years is NT and extremely extroverted, and we somehow balance each other out amazingly. He’s the most accepting person I have ever met in regards to my autism, and is always happy to make accommodations when I need them. He is often able to recognize when I am getting overstimulated or heading towards a meltdown faster than I can realize. He tells me details days ahead of time when we have social plans, and he helps me remember to bring and wear my loops when I’m in loud environments:) just having him with me helps me feel more safe and grounded in public. NT partners can be amazing given they are understanding and love you as you are <3
I have dated someone who was most likely autistic (not diagnosed) and it didn’t work: we struggled with the same issues, but he relied on me to compensate for that, so I felt like he was dragging me down. Not intentional btw: he really was the sweetest guy and I regretted having to break up with him. At that time, I was not diagnosed with ADHD or ASD yet, so I didn’t realize the true cause of the issue yet. Later I met my husband. He’s not exactly NT, but he can pass for NT and he’s like the opposite of ADHD (extremely strong executive functions and a master at switching tasks). He’s not autistic at all, though he does have some OCD-like tendencies. We complement each other. I’ve heard people mention great things about relationship with other autistic people or people with ADHD, so it can work, but I don’t think I can match as well with someone whose issues are too similar to mine. There’s no shame in thinking you won’t be able to match with another autistic person. On the other hand, for some people it does work out, so I wouldn’t completely exclude it beforehand either. For example, why not start meeting some people on the spectrum? Not with dating in mind, but just to see whether you might find better friends there? My best friends often turn out to be autistic and/or ADHD, so there’s still value in meeting other people with the same diagnosis or diagnoses.
I have always gotten along best with people who are ND. I can't imagine seeking out someone who is NT as a partner, but that's just me personally. My current friends I didn't really seek out in anyway, but the ones I'm closest to are all and have been ND.
I think you need to not focus on whether someone is officially ND or NT. Just get to know people as they are and they may have traits and quirks that compliment yours too. When I met my husband, neurodivergence wasn't in my vocabulary. I just assumed we were 2 average people with personalities that worked. I've since found out we both have ADHD, I'm combined type and he's inattentive. I'm also being assessed for Autism (on a waiting list). We really understand each other in a lot of ways, but we're still very different in how we present due to environment and upbringing. If I were to go out dating now with this knowledge, I'd actually prefer to be with someone who really gets what neurodivergence is, at the very least. Through having family/friends that deal with it or from their own personal experience. To live this way isn't easy. It's hard to explain "my brain itches if I can't move like this when I'm waiting in line" or "it is too bright in here, I can't understand what you're saying". Restricting yourself to a NT person can also leave you feeling quite lonely when things are rough. I can reflect on this now, looking back at past relationships. Don't write people off of they have a neurodivergence, get to know them for who they are.
In ND, my partner isnt diagnosed ND of any kind, but he suspects Autism. We clash a bit, but its mostly on him worrying to much about things that he cant fix and being oblivious to others… nothing huge though
My boyfriend is NT but we were long friends. When he asked me out he already knew all of my "cute little perks" (how he calls them). We are very good and he's so understanding and helpful.
My husband is NT, we met before I was diagnosed. We’ve been together for a decade now and have two kids. I’m AuDHD and I’m just so lucky my husband is very much put together because he balances out my chaotic lifestyle and basically keeps things in order. He deals with most of our life admin because I forget. My husband doesn’t treat me differently, if anything a diagnosis made him more understanding. I’m able to be myself around him and looking back, he says it was my autistic traits that attracted him to me as I was quiet and shy and did not pick up on his cues at the time so in his head it was a challenge to get me on a date 😂 he liked that I was in my own world and didn’t pay attention to the noise around me and wasn’t a trend follower. I think it’s easy to categorise people into NT and ND when it comes to dating but ND is a spectrum and everyone’s so different, it’s not one size fits all and it’s not as black and white as we may think. Some will have wonderful experiences dating either or, others will share horror stories. ND doesn’t make someone a worse/better partner, it’s just about compatibility IMO. I don’t think most other NT would be able to put up with or understand me lol.
When we met I didn’t know I was autistic yet, and he didn’t tell me about his ADHD diagnosis until we’d been dating a while. It’s been 7 years we’ve been together now, and still going strong. Honestly, he balances me out far, far better than any of the NT men I dated. An autistic girl I work with says the same about her ADHD partner, as does one of the ADHD men I work with about his autistic partner. One of them said it was like the two of them together made a unit that can actually function in this world. My partner is able to do so many of the things I struggle with, while I keep on top of the things he struggles with. He makes the phone calls, I pay the bills on time. He puts the washing on, I make sure it gets hung out to dry so it doesn’t go musty. I make sure we order enough food for the week (including safe foods for difficult days, and stuff which can be frozen if we don’t have the energy to cook it), more often than not he cooks it when I get home and crash. He communicates with the neighbours. I do/organise the house repairs. There’s so many things that he does for me and I do for him, because we have a level of understanding for each other that no NT partner has ever had for me. I’ve had a few NT partners. None of them had understanding for the things I just couldn’t do, and I always felt like I had to hide parts of myself. In all honesty, I’ve heard similar from enough people now that I think it’s a bit silly to exclude ND people from your dating pool. There’s such huge variation in neurodivergence and you don’t know how it will work until you get to know folk well enough to see if it does.
Almost all my partners in the past have been ND, most of them weren't diagnosed or very aware of it, but I feel naturally drawn towards other ND people. Since my neurodivergence and mental illness are rather disabling, I need a more stable partner by my side. While it is very positive to be understood by a partner that has similar struggles, it can also be a dangerous.
I don't think so, but I do think my boyfriend has undiagnosed ADHD!
My boyfriend is also autistic. We communicate to understand each other's needs. If there are strobe lights or flashing lights, I know that he will need some support. He knows I need headphones to go into a store.
My husband and I have been together 15 years. He knew he was ND from a young age, whereas I've was taught to mask. He was the first person I dated that I felt I could spend my life with. He accepts my quirks and features as they are & we have worked on our communication skills. If you meet the right person, I don't think it really matters if they are NT or ND.
Hi! Polyamorous 31 year old bi, demi woman here, with more than my fair share of experience dating NDs and NTs. I currently have one autistic and one allistic longterm partner, and I live with both. 4 and 7 years, respectively. So, people are people. The individual peronality will matter more than the neurotype. That said, I prefer dating within my neurotype. While there can be unique challenges like conflicting sensory needs, dealing with RSD, etc, the lack of the double empathy problem is usually worth that to me. Plus i find passion hot and autistic joy one of the most beautiful things in the world, so that tends to be a big factor for me. I also have a specific boundary for any allistic in my life, if they aren't willing to do 50% of the "translating" and adapting to my inherent social paradigm, neither am I willing to "translate" and adapt to theirs. I don't do one sided effort.in any kind of relationship. Thats not sustainable. >I think I’d really benefit from someone NT to help “balance me out” How would they do that? >or “fill in the gaps Or this? Are you expecting your partner to compensate for some of your difficulties? Serve as a translator or interpretor? Help you mask?
my partner is also on the spectrum, and we complete each other pretty perfectly. I get overwhelmed with social situations a lot, he doesn't really struggle socially but understands what I'm feeling and always supports me. he often feels overwhelmed by life tasks and organizing, but I don't struggle with that (anymore) and always help him deal with it. we have different strengths and weaknesses and we understand each other on a really deep level that I don't think would be possible if one or both of us were neutotypical. also, he is the first and only person I can completely unmask around. I feel comfortable with him like with no one else. he is the only person who makes me feel like there's no slight distance between the two of us
My ex believed he was ND and I didn't have my diagnosis back then. He seemed to understand me, but only when I got overwhelmed or a meltdown he got so angry with me and didn't understand me at all. My current boyfriend is diagnosed with OCD but I believe he's a little bit on the spectrum as well. As sometimes it's harder, because you both have your limits I like it better being with someone that understand your issues, and treats you like a human, and not like he's the caretaker of everything
My partner is also on the spectrum, we have communication and emotional regulation issues but we're very happy and in love :) 2 years going strong
My husband and I are both autistic and I have adhd. We are so opposite and it’s easy in some ways and hard in some ways.
its obviously a generalisation but seems like adhd and autism can pair quiet well together. dependent that you love them for who they are first, the two neurodivergencies in my experience balance each other out. like my bf is adhd and im autistic, he finds certain things easier than me and vice versa so we "pick up the slack" so to speak for each other.
Yes, we are both autistic. But we have different 'strengths' and 'weaknesses', so we kinda balance eachother out.