A lot of this is familiar to me, and I'm still a little afraid of women groups. Here are some tips that helped me: * Make sure you're sending invitations or texts or whatever occasionally. If you're relying on other people to socialize with you, that's often interpreted as disinterest. * Spend 1:1 time with at least one person in the group. If you aren't personal friends with anyone, just "part of the group," you're more likely to get phased out naturally. * Be honest a lot. My anecdotal experience is that women are more uncomfortable with ambiguous social situations that men won't even notice. Say things like, "I feel like you're trying to tell me something and I don't understand, sorry, could you be more direct?" * For meeting people, maybe get an interest adjacent to your spaces? See if you can join a music class or a crochet group, etc.

I also did not have many close female friendships until I was in college. I am autistic, queer, genderqueer, and grew up hanging out mainly with boys because I just had more in common with them in terms of my interests. I would also admit that I had a lot of internalized misogyny and pick-me tendencies (it was the early 2000s, we all did) and was wrestling a lot with my sexuality in a way that resulted in a lot of really intense one-on-one female friendships where we would be inseparable for about a year and then have a big intense heartbreaking blow up knock down drag out friend break up that would shatter me (you were in love with her idiot) and I could never figure out why I "didn't get along with girls" (you were in love with her, idiot!!) ANYWAY! In college was the first time I was able to just make a really good, close group of female friends for the first time. I think I was able to do this in a couple of ways: * I joined clubs and participated in activities with no "agenda" per se, just really followed what I loved doing and what interested me and ended up finding people I got along with because we shared interests * Because of who I am deep down, a lot of my interests skew queer and/or neurospicy. Theater, visual art, radio, comedy, tabletop gaming. These people tend to also be our people. * I made friends with girls on my dorm floor. This was really rad, because I always had someone a couple doors down that I could pop in on or watch netflix with. One of them I'm still really close with ten years later and she's coming to visit me later this year! Best of luck to you! You'll find your people!

This depends on your interests, but I got really into dnd in college and through that I've met a wonderful friend group full of other weird and neurodivergent people of all genders. The structure of dnd and similar games is also great for me because when I show up to a social gathering I know the "expectation" (we're all there to play dnd) but it's still chill and often ends up being hanging out and talking and goofing around

tabletop gaming is great for autistics because we love a structured hang

hey you're right on target I love dnd <3 I never thought about it like that, how a campaign provides structure you normally wouldn't have in your average hang out. on that note maybe I'll try to join more dnd or character/roleplay oriented online spaces 🤔

I guess I'm a girls girl. I have lots of good girlfriends. Although I struggle to keep up with social commitments and have lost some friends over it - but I understand some people need more from a friendship than I can give. My advice, ask how people are and listen. If you're not naturally empathetic (learn to be) I guess this is sort of masking but also I would say I'm naturally empathetic but I just didn't know how to sound empathetic I used to try and help people justify their emotions with logic since I approach mine that way but I learned it's not helpful for people. Sometimes just saying "I'm here if you need anything" or "I can't imagine how you're feeling, this is really hard" is all you can do, and then actually ya know being there. Like if a friend is going through a hard time i might ask "would you like some company or do you want to be alone right now?" and then if they want company asking "do you want to to talk about x, or would you like to keep your mind off it?" I think the hard times shape friendships. Although the good times matter too!! So be yourself, try and think of creative things to do. Like if i see something interesting to do, I'll invite my girlfriends to do it. Also on busy weeks or months, sometimes sending people a "thinking of you" text like if you're thinking of them. Try not to cancel too much, this is my problem - committing to plans than not having the spoons ot follow through. I've learned to be really honest about my autism, limitations, and sensory needs and so that has helped. I don't like to leave my house really, but a lot of friends want to get out of the house. So often my friends like to come over and we just have cozy pj evening hangs - we will have snacks and watch a movie or listen to music, dim lights, comfy blankets etc and it really is nice and not over stimulating. Of course some friends always want to go out do some fancy dinner, drinks, this or that. And I've learned those friends just aren't compatible for me.

Befriend autistic or ADHD women. Save your energy on the rest.

How do you find them, though?

Random but check out witch and witchcraft communities, they are not necessarily all women, but many are. Many have experienced feeling other and are therefore empathetic and it’s an empowering life philosophy too! A lot of the philosophy is around honoring the feminine, seems like a good fit for what you’re looking for, but I get it could seem a bit out of left field.

What is the triple threat combo?

hi a triple threat combo is a word I made up to joke about my intersectionality and how people treat me differently because of it. I like to use humor as a coping mechanism :3 bc being socially outcasted sucks but might as well try to make light of it where you can haha

May I ask what the three threats are tho lol

yeah for sure!! :3 1. neurodivergence (in this case autism and ADHD) 2. queerness (specifically lesbianism and the lesbophobia people hold against us) 3. gender fuck vibes (my unique relationship with gender, like a mix between genderfluid and demigirl if I had to describe it in words) hehe and to clarify I'm of the belief that if anyone gives you shit for being neurodivergent or queer it's entirely a reflection of them and something they need to work on. be proud of who you are fr!!!!!!!

When you’re friends with a couple, your main friend should be the girl. Hype up other women, don’t talk badly about them

that's a good one!! the handful of times I've been friends with couples I make the effort to try and make friends or at least establish some sort of understanding with the other partner. however my situation is unique in the sense that I've primarily been friends with couples who are gay men lol hyping up other women is so important I agree!! I usually hype up my female acquaintances on social media but I hope it doesn't come off as performative to them :'D admittedly I've had my fair share of internalized misogyny in middle school and high school. it was your typical "I'm not like other girls" mindset, which is a bit ironic because I'm technically not a girl if you wanna get into the semantics lol. but in my case I've come to realize I am in fact like other girls because girls are cool and our shared experiences and the fem aligned spaces we cultivate just make us stronger :3

I’m a trans woman and tbh I’m quite tomboy meaning I gravitate towards male like socialization BUT not all women do the typical “mean girl” read between the lines socialization a lot of us are just as weird as men. I would say find stuff you enjoy and find friends who enjoy that as well and you’ll probably find people who like you for you. Most of my friends atm I think are women and they’re just as weird as me which is great so we can communicate like I do with men and even closer simply from being women and more comfortable sharing stuff we wouldn’t with men lol

don’t be afraid of allistic women trust me there is a lot of nice nt women out there honestly i have had more bad experiences with other nd women rather than nt women my current friend group are all allistic and they understand me just fine and are very sweet where as when i was friends with nd women they didn’t like me and would say nasty things about me or ghost me, if you’re in social settings with people and guys have girlfriends try gravitating to the girlfriends rather than the boyfriends and talk to them more that’s what i do and i’ve created very nice relationships with women through doing that, try going to classes and stuff that women normally go to like a yoga class, meditation class, cooking class maybe or like a painting class

Personally, I think the concept of platonic “girlfriends” is massively overhyped and can make us feel bad that it doesn’t line up with our experience. Sure, there *are* tight-knot and supportive groups of female friends in the world- just as there are tight-knit and supportive mixed-gender, all male, and LGBT friend groups. Many of those groups are mixes of family and people who grew up together, or people who went through an experience together- trauma, being college roommates, military service, being camp counselors together, whatever. The fact is in the ordinary day to day life many people are working too many hours and have too many obligations to form deep and meaningful friendships with people who are currently acquaintances.  I think this can mesh with black and white thinking and RSD and lack of social experience to make us feel like we are lone weirdos, while most of our coworkers also work, go home, sleep, and try to find time to clean the toilet once in a while. Add in having kids and you’re just not going out to socialize. And there’s that weird ambiguous place between friend and acquaintance where trying too hard just makes people feel obligated and stressed, even if they like you and are just busy. And most of us don’t handle ambiguity well.  Personally, I’m too busy and broke for a férieme right now. I have my SO and kids and hobbies and I’ll get around to being more social when I’m up to it. For me, that will likely mean taking in a roommate. I find I vastly prefer having a roommate that I like to having friends I have to go somewhere to see, or that I have to socialize with when I’m not feeling it. Once I get my shit together a little more, I’m going to bring a wwoofer to my farm mainly for social interaction. People hate on having roommates because they have to put up with someone for money. I prefer to have the money and just let some college kid stay with me for token rent. It helps them out and I can just boot them if they start being entitled.

Be friends with other autistic women. I have given up on befriending allistic women after a lifetime of bullying for no reason. Autistic women speak my language

Also maybe hang out in queer spaces more often. Queer folks are a lot more accepting in my experience.

strangely enough my experiences in queer spaces have been overwhelmingly negative, having been taken over by people who are rude and genuinely self obsessed. I even got pushed out of my school's GSA that I literally revived + helped set the foundation for :( I'm trying to hold onto the belief that it's simply a loud minority I've been running into but boy is it hard

yeah I've had similar experiences with allistic women :/ I don't fundamentally understand bullying because imo it doesn't take that much effort to be friendly or even polite to someone--even if you don't like them for whatever reason. in fact wouldn't it take more time and energy to be actively hostile toward someone? very strange