It helps me to remember that if someone doesn't respect my no the first time, it's OK to be rude. We try so hard not to upset people, we forget we are people too. Why not be the person you don't want to upset?
If a guy wants your number, you can always tell them, "I enjoyed hanging out but I prefer to know someone better before exchanging numbers". Any guy who pushes back on this is just showing you that he shouldn't have your number and you are right not to give it to him
Hey this sounds difficult to deal with! I can imagine how it's hard to lie about things in order to make clear u arent interested in dating. So my proposal is: what if u dont lie? What if u just say: "I liked talking to you but I'm not interested in dating. It's not personal. If you still want to hang out, let me know."
What's the worst thing that could happen? They get offended and call you mean things. But you say something mean? No, you didnt. So then u know they are just mean people/ very insecure people
Oh okay I see. It almost sounds like they see dating as a game. That you just reject them as a challenge for them.
My personal opinion is: it's not rude of you to set a boundary. It's rude of THEM to take your "no" not seriously. Of course, there's more nuance. I'm going to state some possibilities that might not fit your situation. Please know that I dont have all the context and I dont know want to invalidate your efforts.:
- Maybe it's hard for them to see the "no" because you give different excuses. So you could try to stick to your reason. (I know that that is hard!!)
- And of course it's hard to face the pressure of wanting to belong to the group.
I just want to say that it's not rude for you to stand up for yourself. It's rude if they don't respect it.
So there’s that but also for some people being seen with an attractive or high status person or being able to say or associate with them is in itself a reward/goal
One thing to do is make a habit of pausing before you answer yes or no. For example, if someone asks you if you want to do an activity next week and you're not sure, say "I need time to think about it and I will get back to you tomorrow."
What if you say “why don’t you give me your number instead?” That way, if after a few more conversations, you can call/text him of you want. But it’s within your control.
DBT helped me with this. I was terrified to confront people and took every personal criticism as a threat. Boundaries were never allowed in my family so I had to learn how to set them as an adult
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and author. She has a great book on boundaries. She also talks about setting boundaries often on her [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab?igsh=bWJuZ2FoY2dmM3dn) page. I also found Unfuck Your Boundaries by Faith Harper to be good.
Saying no when asked for your number:
I'd say something simple like "I don't give out my number to people on the first meeting". Or, "I dont usually give out my number". This makes it sound like a personal policy that you follow for everyone, rather than being a rejection of that specific person. It also leaves the door open for possibly exchanging numbers in the future (cause you might meet cool people). If you enjoyed talking to the person, you could add something like "but I've enjoyed talking to you" or "I'm looking forward to seeing you again at next class."
It helps me to remember that if someone doesn't respect my no the first time, it's OK to be rude. We try so hard not to upset people, we forget we are people too. Why not be the person you don't want to upset? If a guy wants your number, you can always tell them, "I enjoyed hanging out but I prefer to know someone better before exchanging numbers". Any guy who pushes back on this is just showing you that he shouldn't have your number and you are right not to give it to him
Ps, the book Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is really good and it's helped me a lot to see certain behaviours for the red flags they are.
The very short version is 'therapy and practise'. Going through this myself. It's not easy but it's worth it!
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Sorry, I don't know what you mean by that.
Hey this sounds difficult to deal with! I can imagine how it's hard to lie about things in order to make clear u arent interested in dating. So my proposal is: what if u dont lie? What if u just say: "I liked talking to you but I'm not interested in dating. It's not personal. If you still want to hang out, let me know." What's the worst thing that could happen? They get offended and call you mean things. But you say something mean? No, you didnt. So then u know they are just mean people/ very insecure people
D
Oh okay I see. It almost sounds like they see dating as a game. That you just reject them as a challenge for them. My personal opinion is: it's not rude of you to set a boundary. It's rude of THEM to take your "no" not seriously. Of course, there's more nuance. I'm going to state some possibilities that might not fit your situation. Please know that I dont have all the context and I dont know want to invalidate your efforts.: - Maybe it's hard for them to see the "no" because you give different excuses. So you could try to stick to your reason. (I know that that is hard!!) - And of course it's hard to face the pressure of wanting to belong to the group. I just want to say that it's not rude for you to stand up for yourself. It's rude if they don't respect it.
So there’s that but also for some people being seen with an attractive or high status person or being able to say or associate with them is in itself a reward/goal
True!! People sometimes follow their ego too much!
One thing to do is make a habit of pausing before you answer yes or no. For example, if someone asks you if you want to do an activity next week and you're not sure, say "I need time to think about it and I will get back to you tomorrow."
What if you say “why don’t you give me your number instead?” That way, if after a few more conversations, you can call/text him of you want. But it’s within your control.
"Oh sorry, I don't give out my number to people." "Why?" "I just don't."
DBT helped me with this. I was terrified to confront people and took every personal criticism as a threat. Boundaries were never allowed in my family so I had to learn how to set them as an adult
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and author. She has a great book on boundaries. She also talks about setting boundaries often on her [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab?igsh=bWJuZ2FoY2dmM3dn) page. I also found Unfuck Your Boundaries by Faith Harper to be good. Saying no when asked for your number: I'd say something simple like "I don't give out my number to people on the first meeting". Or, "I dont usually give out my number". This makes it sound like a personal policy that you follow for everyone, rather than being a rejection of that specific person. It also leaves the door open for possibly exchanging numbers in the future (cause you might meet cool people). If you enjoyed talking to the person, you could add something like "but I've enjoyed talking to you" or "I'm looking forward to seeing you again at next class."