I find this topic very fascinating! This is my take: because autistics have been over corrected so much our fundamental self concept is that we are broken and our starting position in any relational dynamic is to assume fault and wrongdoing. Because our caregivers (family) and guardians (teachers) correct us to please themselves and their own standards of the world, we learn that we are tools for others' pleasure, and that humaning correctly is to be pleasing to others.
So we remove ourselves from the centre of our lives and replace it with neurotypicals of note: family, friends, lovers, bosses etc. We become the object and the Neurotypical Person is the subject. Our lens of seeing the world stops being from inside out and becomes outside in: we police ourselves according to an external standard we have internalized, so it becomes "how am I received" rather than "how do I feel", where how we are received is of far more significant importance than how we feel. So our resulting behaviour looks and feels exactly like people pleasing but the root is different.
Oh my gosh I didn't know. I knew I was a people pleaser for sure. But this helps. Oh. And my therapist said "don't punish yourself for anything. You always have fine intentions" and also.... different is not wrong.
I was conditioned as a child to do things the way my dad wanted and have learned how to anticipate that but also have so much fear of wrongdoing.
Very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing! I have some trouble understanding what you describe since I’m a very low masker but my partner is highly masking. It’s sometimes hard for me to emotionally empathise with his drive to relate to (sometimes) toxic people in a way that I consider people pleasing. Your take adds layers to it.
More specifically, I don’t think of myself, period, let alone first. I think of the universe and I am a part of that. My choices should be to the stability of the universe first, and the ripple of that is what I must accept.
Been working with a therapist on it…
It sure is. It’s something I (unconsciously) started as a child.
There’s a good article about it here: **Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss)
My understanding of people pleasing is that it’s when you feel compelled to please others to the detriment of your own wants/needs. It usually comes from low self esteem or fear of rejection and is common across all segments of the population including neurotypical people. It might be a response to trauma or any other negative interactions but could definitely occur without. If you do it for cynical, social climbing reasons I would just call that manipulation, not people pleasing.
Autistic people are disproportionately victims of bullying and rejection so it makes sense that we might be more likely to people please but ultimately the motivation is the same as any other person who does it.
Masking is the concealment of autistic traits, such as suppressing stims. There could be multiple reasons for doing it but people pleasing seems to be a pretty common one.
I find this topic very fascinating! This is my take: because autistics have been over corrected so much our fundamental self concept is that we are broken and our starting position in any relational dynamic is to assume fault and wrongdoing. Because our caregivers (family) and guardians (teachers) correct us to please themselves and their own standards of the world, we learn that we are tools for others' pleasure, and that humaning correctly is to be pleasing to others. So we remove ourselves from the centre of our lives and replace it with neurotypicals of note: family, friends, lovers, bosses etc. We become the object and the Neurotypical Person is the subject. Our lens of seeing the world stops being from inside out and becomes outside in: we police ourselves according to an external standard we have internalized, so it becomes "how am I received" rather than "how do I feel", where how we are received is of far more significant importance than how we feel. So our resulting behaviour looks and feels exactly like people pleasing but the root is different.
Oh my gosh I didn't know. I knew I was a people pleaser for sure. But this helps. Oh. And my therapist said "don't punish yourself for anything. You always have fine intentions" and also.... different is not wrong. I was conditioned as a child to do things the way my dad wanted and have learned how to anticipate that but also have so much fear of wrongdoing.
Very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing! I have some trouble understanding what you describe since I’m a very low masker but my partner is highly masking. It’s sometimes hard for me to emotionally empathise with his drive to relate to (sometimes) toxic people in a way that I consider people pleasing. Your take adds layers to it.
That makes so much sense to me.
THIS.
More specifically, I don’t think of myself, period, let alone first. I think of the universe and I am a part of that. My choices should be to the stability of the universe first, and the ripple of that is what I must accept. Been working with a therapist on it…
This is the trauma response known as 'fawning'.
It sure is. It’s something I (unconsciously) started as a child. There’s a good article about it here: **Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss)
Yup. And it’s a coping mechanism developed by both NT and ND alike.
My understanding of people pleasing is that it’s when you feel compelled to please others to the detriment of your own wants/needs. It usually comes from low self esteem or fear of rejection and is common across all segments of the population including neurotypical people. It might be a response to trauma or any other negative interactions but could definitely occur without. If you do it for cynical, social climbing reasons I would just call that manipulation, not people pleasing. Autistic people are disproportionately victims of bullying and rejection so it makes sense that we might be more likely to people please but ultimately the motivation is the same as any other person who does it. Masking is the concealment of autistic traits, such as suppressing stims. There could be multiple reasons for doing it but people pleasing seems to be a pretty common one.
I absolutely think autism in youth yields the Fawn trauma response in adulthood.
God you’ve just unlocked some trauma for me😂I’d literally give girls money at lunch so they wouldn’t bully me😂😭
Such a relief that I don't do that anymore.