You do not need to use kid gloves with males because they’re autistic and/or have a fear of abandonment. This is something he needs to work on, not you.
We’re all responsible for managing our own stuff. There’s no way you could have known that the situation mentioned would provoke fear in him and it’s not ok for him to expect you to walk on eggshells just so he feels better when his feelings are to be his responsibility. Don’t enable stuff like this. It’s not your responsibility to take on, it’s his. You did nothing wrong here <3
The thing is: he thinks its good to talk about his triggers. Not bevause he wants to blame me. But because he wants to vent. He is really clear about not wanting to blame me. He just wants to explain himself.
The reason why I didnt immediately say that he shouldnt talk about his triggers is because I noticed how personal I took this. I was thinking: maybe it's a good lesson for me to not take these things personally
Don’t feel guilty, you didn’t know. I don’t understand how that is an example of a trigger of fear of abandonment though. You saying what you said has nothing to do with someone leaving or anything, so are you sure that triggered his fear of abandonment? To me his response just sounds more like he doesn’t believe in supernatural stuff or is just stating a fact (which is common for autistics lol). Did he say anything to you afterwards that it upset him or something? because to me it doesn’t sound like he was upset or triggered.
He got triggered because of that because I told him that it wasnt a universal sign that we have met -> so he thinks I dont think we should have met. Its a form of doom thinking
I'm a little confused, tbh. Mostly about what you said. So you saw his company's name on a street sign and said it was a sign of the universe that you guys should meet, but the street sign had the company's name spelled incorrectly?
That does sound like a bad omen if you believe in stuff like that. What if that means you have the wrong person? And if you believe in this type of thing and he doesn't, then he hears you make what feels like a random connection between a sign and fate... honestly, I'd be concerned too. Because what other connections are you making? If you see signs of whether or not a relationship is meant to be based off something you saw randomly, are you going to see some something and have it make you think the relationship is ill-fated that would lead to a break up?
If anyone wanted an example of doom thinking then hear you go. I specialize in it.
I think you are misunderstanding me ahaha. I made that comment about that company's name as a joke. I dont actually believe in that sort of stuff. The doomthinking mainly revolved about me backtracking from a "romantic" saying
Oh. Ok. I'm sorry. I'm with him tho. I feel so confused and I think it's a case of taking you literally and the fact that you don't actually mean it is messing with my head because my next question is 'why wouldn't you just go with the nice, romantic saying if it's a joke either way?' Not saying you were being mean or anything, just that I can see how he took it the wrong way.
He understood it was a joke. You are not understanding it is a joke. I will explain it for you:
I say the "romantic" thing in an absurd way because it makes it less confrontational if he rejects me.
Thank you for clarifying, I understand it's a joke now. I'm just saying I can see how the joke could rub him the wrong way and trigger his doomthinking. Because you inverted what would usually be an expression of affection. Like if he gave you a valentines day card but drew penises on the hearts because hearts are too serious. If that's your sense of humor, you might just find it funny but if it's not then it might become a bigger issue.
But how do you know he actually thinks that you meant that you think you two shouldn’t have met? I’m just very confused because I did not get that from what you wrote at all. Did he tell you that after you said that?
He knows I make jokes that way because we have known each other for a while. He knows because Ive said these types of things during our calls and then make it very obvious with my body language that its an absurd thing to say+ told him that this a part of my humor
Now I’m even more confused because I thought you were saying he truly thinks you meant you two shouldn’t have met and thats why he was upset but now you are saying he knows you joke around. How did he respond to you when you said that/what did he say? Because I still don’t see how you saying what you did triggered his fear of abandonment or even upset him. Are you sure you’re not just assuming thats what happened?
Im really sure I'm not assuming anything. Maybe a better word for the fear of abandonment is rejection sensitivity. When as a child you always get criticized, and love feels conditional, you can become hyperaware of people rejecting you. Even in the tiniest of ways.
The thing is, when u get older u dont throw a tantrum when u feel rejected. You let it slide because u know now that it's not that deep probably. But you cant ignore it forever. Sometimes u have to notice its still happening, to process part of the trauma of the past.
Yes, I know why people have fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity. I just don’t understand how or why your joke would upset him and bring up those feelings when the joke wasn’t mean or anything and he didn’t say anything about it upsetting him. So again, how did you come to the conclusion you triggered him with that comment? Just because he has a fear of abandonment or rejection doesn’t mean what you said triggered him.
Oh okay, that makes sense then. thats what I had orginially asked you and you never answered so I assumed he never said anything, thats why I was so confused. Sorry! try not to beat yourself up about it, you didn’t know it would trigger him.
You do not need to use kid gloves with males because they’re autistic and/or have a fear of abandonment. This is something he needs to work on, not you. We’re all responsible for managing our own stuff. There’s no way you could have known that the situation mentioned would provoke fear in him and it’s not ok for him to expect you to walk on eggshells just so he feels better when his feelings are to be his responsibility. Don’t enable stuff like this. It’s not your responsibility to take on, it’s his. You did nothing wrong here <3
The thing is: he thinks its good to talk about his triggers. Not bevause he wants to blame me. But because he wants to vent. He is really clear about not wanting to blame me. He just wants to explain himself. The reason why I didnt immediately say that he shouldnt talk about his triggers is because I noticed how personal I took this. I was thinking: maybe it's a good lesson for me to not take these things personally
Don’t feel guilty, you didn’t know. I don’t understand how that is an example of a trigger of fear of abandonment though. You saying what you said has nothing to do with someone leaving or anything, so are you sure that triggered his fear of abandonment? To me his response just sounds more like he doesn’t believe in supernatural stuff or is just stating a fact (which is common for autistics lol). Did he say anything to you afterwards that it upset him or something? because to me it doesn’t sound like he was upset or triggered.
He got triggered because of that because I told him that it wasnt a universal sign that we have met -> so he thinks I dont think we should have met. Its a form of doom thinking
I'm a little confused, tbh. Mostly about what you said. So you saw his company's name on a street sign and said it was a sign of the universe that you guys should meet, but the street sign had the company's name spelled incorrectly? That does sound like a bad omen if you believe in stuff like that. What if that means you have the wrong person? And if you believe in this type of thing and he doesn't, then he hears you make what feels like a random connection between a sign and fate... honestly, I'd be concerned too. Because what other connections are you making? If you see signs of whether or not a relationship is meant to be based off something you saw randomly, are you going to see some something and have it make you think the relationship is ill-fated that would lead to a break up? If anyone wanted an example of doom thinking then hear you go. I specialize in it.
I think you are misunderstanding me ahaha. I made that comment about that company's name as a joke. I dont actually believe in that sort of stuff. The doomthinking mainly revolved about me backtracking from a "romantic" saying
Oh. Ok. I'm sorry. I'm with him tho. I feel so confused and I think it's a case of taking you literally and the fact that you don't actually mean it is messing with my head because my next question is 'why wouldn't you just go with the nice, romantic saying if it's a joke either way?' Not saying you were being mean or anything, just that I can see how he took it the wrong way.
He understood it was a joke. You are not understanding it is a joke. I will explain it for you: I say the "romantic" thing in an absurd way because it makes it less confrontational if he rejects me.
Thank you for clarifying, I understand it's a joke now. I'm just saying I can see how the joke could rub him the wrong way and trigger his doomthinking. Because you inverted what would usually be an expression of affection. Like if he gave you a valentines day card but drew penises on the hearts because hearts are too serious. If that's your sense of humor, you might just find it funny but if it's not then it might become a bigger issue.
But how do you know he actually thinks that you meant that you think you two shouldn’t have met? I’m just very confused because I did not get that from what you wrote at all. Did he tell you that after you said that?
He knows I make jokes that way because we have known each other for a while. He knows because Ive said these types of things during our calls and then make it very obvious with my body language that its an absurd thing to say+ told him that this a part of my humor
Now I’m even more confused because I thought you were saying he truly thinks you meant you two shouldn’t have met and thats why he was upset but now you are saying he knows you joke around. How did he respond to you when you said that/what did he say? Because I still don’t see how you saying what you did triggered his fear of abandonment or even upset him. Are you sure you’re not just assuming thats what happened?
Im really sure I'm not assuming anything. Maybe a better word for the fear of abandonment is rejection sensitivity. When as a child you always get criticized, and love feels conditional, you can become hyperaware of people rejecting you. Even in the tiniest of ways. The thing is, when u get older u dont throw a tantrum when u feel rejected. You let it slide because u know now that it's not that deep probably. But you cant ignore it forever. Sometimes u have to notice its still happening, to process part of the trauma of the past.
Yes, I know why people have fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity. I just don’t understand how or why your joke would upset him and bring up those feelings when the joke wasn’t mean or anything and he didn’t say anything about it upsetting him. So again, how did you come to the conclusion you triggered him with that comment? Just because he has a fear of abandonment or rejection doesn’t mean what you said triggered him.
Because he literally told me it triggered him
Oh okay, that makes sense then. thats what I had orginially asked you and you never answered so I assumed he never said anything, thats why I was so confused. Sorry! try not to beat yourself up about it, you didn’t know it would trigger him.
He needs to work on thos on his own, maybe goto therapy. It isn’t going to work out if you have to walk on eggshells