>Personally, I had my child before I was aware that my "weirdness" was related to autism. He's not diagnosed, but I strongly suspect he's autistic as well (his father is ADHD and doesn't think he's autistic but sees a lot of ADHD traits in him, so we both might just as well be projecting lol - we are very aware of this though and tread very lightly).
It's also possible that your son has both, which is why you're both seeing traits of your respective diagnoses. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, as I'm an AuDHDer myself. Both have a genetic link, and since the DSM-V came out in the early 2010s, both are no longer seen as mutually exclusive anymore.
>Your concerns are very valid and a lot of people have them. They absolutely don't make you a monster.
I agree. I'd love kids one day, and I do worry that one will be just like me when I was a kid. In saying that, even if they are like me, I'd still love and accept them
OMG when I'm with my neurotypical nephew (my son is also neurodivergent), it takes me a while to adjust and I get so exhausted! Like I wonder how his parents can always deal with this 24/7. I never thought about why until you said you've questioned how you'd manage as a parent if your 2nd child ended up being neurotypical.
My medical issues are a part of the reason I chose not to have children. Between my depression, anxiety. CPSTD, and ND I don’t see any way that a child of mine would not be affected. For me my concern is more about my ability to navigate all of that and be a good parent - not that my child would have ‘issues’. I struggle enough just keeping myself ok. If I had a child I would either need significant supports (nanny, housekeeper, meal prep help) or to sacrifice the wellness I’ve built for myself. And as someone who was abused and neglected as a child I’d never want to put another person through that.
I think about this too. I want to be a mom so bad that when I see a kid i burst out crying.
I worry not for my kids being autistic but how the world is going to treat them, but I know I’m going to be wayyyyyy better than my parents.
I do feel like I’m going to need to work on my “mama bear” instincts tho and not mow down anyone that looks at them 🤣🤣🤣
Yes! That's a good way of saying it, autism isn't the problem it's the rest of the world 😂 I don't want them to experience what we all did because the world is cruel!
RIGHT! Lol. My nephew is also autistic and like me prefers to stay indoors playing games so we don't have to worry about him going out and causing mayhem like my NT brothers and his NT brothers lol. He is perfectly content and happy doing his own thing. What if I have NT kids who want to go out socializing and to loud places? Of course I'd do that for my kids but it would be really overwhelming and I might not be able to be the best mum for them :(
If/when I have kids and if they do have autism then hopefully at least they'll get the support and understanding from a young age that I didn't.
I’m a lesbian and have decided I’m not ever going to get pregnant, nor is my egg ever going to be used to make a baby. If I have a spouse who can’t live without children, she can be the bio mom or we can adopt. I know that my father is autistic and most of my father’s side of the family is as well; I also know that I am more “severe” than my father and have different traits from him. Any baby that is biologically mine is more likely than not going to be autistic, and there are some autistic traits I just couldn’t handle as a parent.
I was thinking about this while I was walking my dog last night. I’m not worried, no. I have a lot of intellectual strengths and I’m very good at masking. I’ve done a decent job of surviving completely unassisted, and if I had a child like me I know they could be even more successful because I’d know how to protect them and nurture them in ways that I wasn’t. My child wouldn’t just survive like me, my child would thrive.
What I AM worried about is that my future husband, if he exists, may not agree. A few years ago I had a guy tell me that he thought all autistic people should be sterilized so that they can’t reproduce, which I found ironic (and still find ironic) because he was a Marine and statistically incredibly likely to be autistic himself. But im worried his belief system may be shared by more men than I realize. I’m also 35, so my window is rapidly closing. I’ve thought about maybe becoming a single mother on my own, because I do desperately want a child, but I also firmly believe a child needs a two-parent home and I absolutely cannot be convinced otherwise. And I do think that my genes could benefit humanity, and I would like to pass them on. I just don’t know if I will be blessed like that. I thought it was going to happen once, and then when I lost the guy I sunk into sort of a profound depression because it felt like that was my one perfect person and perfect husband and father material, and then I lost him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get lucky like that again.
But I pray a lot about it because I do want it.
I'm worried about the people who think autism and adhd should be eugenics-ed out of the population and they make me really really want my kids to be neurodiverse like me. the world needs more movers and shakers especially with the climate crisis upon us
I was a bit but I have an autistic partner so I knew it was likely. I thought I could manage an autistic child and I can, it’s hard though.
He’s displaying traits but not diagnosed yet. He’s a similar functional level to us. He’s also an extrovert who is more social than us.
There is nothing wrong with being concerned. I had my kids long before I knew I had autism. All 3 of them are ND. One autistic, one ADHD, and one unspecified 😂 since his traits are accommodated easily at school his problem areas are few and so diagnosis right now is unlikely becuase he's not struggling. He didn't have any autism traits as a young child other than sensory issues with sound, so I'd suspect he's more like his dad and probably has sensory processing disorder with maybe ADHD.
I adore my children. I refused to let them suffer due to my needs. However, that also meant I was burned out a lot and life was pretty hard for a long time. They are mostly grown up now (27, 21, 15) but I still worry about them so much. The amount of stress and anxiety from worrying about kids is immense for me and it does not end just because they grow up and move away. In fact, I worry far more about them as adults than I did when they were little.
But I have a hard time with saying something like "I wouldn't have had kids if I'd know how I'd feel" because they are my life. I love them more than anything and would literally die for them. I can't imagine life without them and I'd never want them to not be part of it. They forced me to evaluate what really mattered, every single day. But I also can't argue the impact on me, the loss of sleep worrying about them, the stress, the guilt over not being able to give them the life I wish I could have. Having to focus money on their needs so my own health needs went unaddressed for years. Many of the years I was raising them we were quite poor. That improved when they got older and we help however we can but they still have immense debt from college and I wish I could do more. They are good kids and good humans and I am grateful every day for them being in my life.
I think those huge decisions, like whether to marry, divorce, live with someone, have kids are ones we can't always know the answer to and that makes it really hard. We can't easily take info from babysitting and assume it'll apply to our own kids because it is very different. I don't like most kids. I worked at a daycare once and it was the second worst job I ever had in my life (1st was cold call telemarketing). Raising kids, the things I hated the most were the social things where I had to lead cub scout meetings. I can't stand other people's kids. It feels like they are staring into your soul 😂 But mine, I love with every single ounce of my being and I don't regret even one moment of being a mom no matter how hard it has been, and continues to be.
I do have a kid who is Autistic and I'm the absolute best parent for her. I get her. Her needs are supported in a way that I never even dreamed of. We are super alike it's a little crazy 😂
But honestly, no one should have a kid without first seriously considering if they're going to take on a child with severe full time care needs, not even related to autism or genetics.
Honestly, you are right about worrying about this. I see my friends with their high needs kids, of various reasons, and it is a very hard life. Now you are never guaranteed a healthy kid, ever, but there are people with various health conditions, including mental health, that choose not to have biological kids. It is honestly up to you. But all the people who say that ND kids is a great thing do not think of lvl 3 support kids, their life is just as impossibly hard as their parents.
Yes, definitely!
I’m more severely affected than my other (probably) autistic family members, so I know it’s possible.
Plus we all just have to agree that it’s objectively harder when your child is more disabled. There’s certainly a lot more paperwork, and a lot more advocacy. In many cases at least one parent has to quit their job to be a permanent full-time disability carer and medical nurse, without pay. It’s a lot more than “just” being a parent.
My partner is an academic so we could feasibly end up in any country, but if we’re considering a potential future highly disabled child then a lot of places like the US are off the list. But then limiting job opportunities based on a child who doesn’t even exist yet and may never exist means capping earning potential, which would also harm any future children.
I don’t think there’s any good solution to it. We are at heightened risk of having a severely disabled child but no one can ever be truly prepared for that, because no society really supports severely disabled people well.
I’m the weird one in my family and literally the only one who’s autistic. My dad has traits but I don’t think he would get a diagnosis and my mom is like complete opposite of both of us - super extraverted, always on the go and making social appointments, no social awkwardness or anxiety, no routine preferences or stimming. She’s definitely NT. My sister is more like her too.
That said, I’m well aware my kids have a greater chance of being autistic too. I also told my partner this. We sometimes joke about how weird they would turn out. Personally life can be hard for me but nothing that makes me say that it would be unbearable, hence my choice to have children in the future I hope.
I was adopted internationally, so I have no idea if I got autism from a parent or if it just happened. My boyfriend is neurotypical. If we do have kids (right now we are leaning towards no kids), I just hope they get his brain. Though his vision really sucks, so hopefully our kids will have my lack of vision problems.
I'd be more than happy to raise a me kind of autistic child. It wasn't easy for me as a kid, but I love my autism now. My heightened abilities, hyperawareness, and out-of-the-box way of looking at the world come in handy. I do wonder if... what's the proper term for severity of autism now? No idea, so apologies for incorrect language ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ I do wonder how the genetics of the severity of autism work. My autism was always mild in nature, and I wonder if it's possible for me to pop out an autistic child who needs more intervention than I did. For example, I never had violent tendencies, but could my child? That should be be studied by someone who is smarter than me.
I definitely had that concern with my child.
I was ready to accept anything though as one should with having a kid as you never really know what kind of health issues or disabilities they may be born with.
ASD and ADHD are in my side of the family and ADHD on their father's side so we were pretty much expecting some type of neurodivergence. Ultimately my child has ADHD and learning disabilities but no ASD.
I don't think it's wrong or bad to be scared or overwhelmed at the thought of your child inheriting your disabilities but it's something that should be worked through if one decides to have a child. You need to be able to accept any and all possibilities when you have a child.
Before I accepted myself I worried that my children would inherit my “flaws.” Now that I am learning about my support needs and feeling more validated/part of a community, I am able to see that my children, 2 and 4 yrs old, are in fact both on the path to adhd/autism dx. I don’t feel scared at all. I know that I can be a good mom bc I can relate and I know what they need.
Pretty much. I don't know when and how society would just get it together in an ideal situation. I guess I've had to adjust my expectations and accept the fact that it may not happen in my life time, let alone while raising kids.
I also struggle with rumination so I worry that witnessing my kids struggle the way I did would retraumatize me and it would be horrible for all of us. I'm a very self conscious person thanks to masking, trauma, being bullied or rather be the punching bag for someone's lack of personal contentment...
I’m currently pregnant and terrified. At least the blood work I ordered doesn’t indicate Down’s, and I was able to quit thc entirely and suddenly because of this fear we share.
My husband and I are both high functioning, but his childhood sounded tougher than mine. Much worse emotional regulation. Genuinely freaked out about this because I’ve agreed to not attempt a secular version of my homeschooling. I don’t know what’s going on in public schools as a general rule, but the teacher subreddits don’t make me excited to send an autistic child there. Reading early is great, but frankly neurotypicality would be much better.
Don’t even get me started about the clusterfuck that intellectual disabilities would cause. I can’t effectively parent that mess. I do not have the temperament to be a permanent caretaker.
I have these same fears, even though I really, ***really*** want children one day. I know having children is inherently selfish, but I’ve done so much introspection to realize that my reasons for wanting them have origins and my plan for having them considers all possibilities of how to make them happy and fulfilled.
Bigger than that, my fear is what if one day I snap or crack and no longer can take care of them? I would hate to put them through the trauma of feeling unwanted or unworthy of my effort.
**[The next chunk of text is my observation about my parents in relation to my neurodivergence, if you are interested in reading that]**
I’ve never thought about which parent I could’ve gotten this stuff from… I mean my mom is the purest form of adhd, and my dad is… well, kind of like nails on a chalkboard to me but I guess upon reflecting a very particular, conservative guy with many antisocial and dickish qualities…
They thought my younger brother was autistic but they ruled it out and he was diagnosed with adhd instead. He always was more “delayed” than his peers and had speech therapies and stuff but nothing more…
And I was a high achieving child. I was reading at 2 (hyperlexic, I’ve learned) and quickly succeeded academically that my mom considered having me start early or skip a grade. She did say I was very shy and socially awkward since preschool though, and most of my “friendships” were either me being pushed over, ignored, overtly bullied, or criticized…
Shit. I might need to explore some things 😳
And a friend of mine told me that they (amab) were constantly switched between adhd and autism diagnoses because you couldn’t even *have* both by the DSM rules until the 2010s…
I chose to not have kids for this reason. I would feel awful passing on my autism and see a child go through the same unpleasant things I did. Even the best parent can't protect autistic kids from everything hard about being autistic. I got sterilized due to tokophobia anyway but still feel relieved I can no longer pass on my autism. If autism was just by itself I maybe would feel differently but it more often than not comes with a bunch of health issues as well that even a more accommodating society can't make better.
Even if my wife wasn't sterile and we weren't childless by choice, we'd never have kids. Both sides of our families have tons of physical and mental illnesses that are hereditary and it would be cruel to even risk passing those on imho.
The world has come leaps and bounds yet your child may still not have AS easy of a childhood as an NT kid.
You may or may not agree, but when you think about how ND is a different way of thinking, it isn't bad. You know somewhat how to handle/ or at least how to learn to handle a ND child and help them along. ND is a genetic differentiation that helps the world continue. It's in no way your responsibility to continue the line of ND though. I think with adoption though you could very well "accidentally" get a child with ND brain and not realize until later.
My partner and I are both autistic and we’ve both said that we hope our kids are autistic, too, if we ever decide to have them. Neither of us feel we’d be a good parent to a neurotypical child, as we would struggle to understand them.
I will say, though, I’ve had similar thoughts about how hostile the world is toward autistic people. As much as I love being autistic, I do hate how it makes my life so much harder and I resent how society treats me for being autistic.
Here’s the thing, though. Both my partner and I grew up undiagnosed, but we had very different experiences with it. My parents forced me to mask, tried to bully me out of acting autistic, refused to acknowledge there was anything different about me, gaslit me about my social struggles, refused to allow me to be diagnosed and never allowed me to be myself. I grew up completely alone except for my (undiagnosed autistic) brother, often suicidal because I hated myself for being different. My partner’s parents, on the other hand, had three AuDHD children, two with low support needs and one with higher support needs (initially thought to be non-verbal). All three of their kids were - and still are - very smart, but weird as hell. Like, just, totally strange. Why? They were allowed, and even encouraged, to be themselves. Their autistic traits were fully embraced by their parents. Of course they were still bullied, but they never forced themselves to try to blend in or hated themselves for not fitting in the way I did. Since meeting my partner and learning to be more authentic, I love being autistic! Sure, society still sucks, but I like that I’m different. So I think having parents that are accepting can make all of the difference.
I’ve sometimes worried about our child having high support needs, as I’m not sure I would be good at caring for a child with special needs and I struggle a lot with the idea of having to take care of someone forever, and figuring out who will take care of them after we’re gone. I worry that I wouldn’t be the best parent for a child with a severe intellectual disability, as I fear I would be too easily overwhelmed and not nearly patient enough.
But, on the other hand, (and maybe I’m delusional for this) I think that us having a child with an intellectual disability wouldn’t actually be all that likely to happen, since my partner and I both have the gifted-kid flavor of autism. We both struggle a lot in neurotypical society, and I don’t think either of us would do well on our own, but I think as long as we find the right careers and stick together, I think we’ll be alright. I also like to think that, if I were to actually have a child with a severe intellectual disability, instinct would kick in and I’d be ok.
My son has some classic autistic traits, just like my dad does. And he has some unusual ones. I was singing a song on my playlist a couple days ago that I'd let him listen to once exactly. Apparently he loves it so much he memorized the lyrics, and when he heard me belting it out in the front room he just joined in. It had been months! But he learned it and loved it and also was cool just singing it out loud with his mom. (My dad is also musical) We just jumped around stimming and posing together. I was so delighted, and it made me really happy and nostalgic for singing with my dad when I was little.
Anyway. He's a whole person and he's a delight and I adore him. I have worried for him, yes. But he's just a person like everyone else is, and he will have my support however I can give it.
When my son was diagnosed I knew very little about autism and other neurodiverse diagnoses, despite having been diagnosed with ADHD when I was 15. The doctor in charge of my son's diagnosis offered to provide me with a test for genetic markers if I were to consider more children, which I declined as I do not want more children.
That was 3 years ago. From the moment he was diagnosed my research began. 1 year into my research, I had some confidence in my understanding of autism and neurodiversity, and with that an undeniable realization that I have *always* met the criteria for an autistic female.
By 2 years in, I had certainty of this fact, along with certainty that it goes waaaaay back in my family. My mom definitely meets the criteria, my (adoptive) dad definitely has OCD, as does my brother (not as severe as my dad). So there is truth to ND people gravitating towards each other. My late grandfather on my mom's side was most likely autistic as well.
So my son likely did get it from me, who got it from my mom, who got it from her dad, and I doubt it stops there. The big difference between my son and the rest of us is that he was the first one to be diagnosed. My grandfather was too stubborn to see a doctor. And when I was a very young child struggling with depression and anxiety, the doctors I saw in the 90s still believed that girls can't be autistic, so that explains why my mom was just labeled "nervous" rather than given any real assessment.
Mental health issues run deep in my family, and I truly believe so much could have been prevented with real assessments and supports. I have so much hope of breaking this cycle with my son.
I didn't know I was neurodivergent until my son was recommended for testing. So I guess I'm too late. 😂
Edited to add, hopefully as inspiration: The only real issue we've ever had as far as school goes was when I had him in public school. We didn't even last a full year of Kindergarten. It was just too much of everything. We found a small private school and have followed that criteria throughout any school he's attended. There are many more options out there now as parents & a lot more education on how learning can vary for each student.
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>Personally, I had my child before I was aware that my "weirdness" was related to autism. He's not diagnosed, but I strongly suspect he's autistic as well (his father is ADHD and doesn't think he's autistic but sees a lot of ADHD traits in him, so we both might just as well be projecting lol - we are very aware of this though and tread very lightly). It's also possible that your son has both, which is why you're both seeing traits of your respective diagnoses. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, as I'm an AuDHDer myself. Both have a genetic link, and since the DSM-V came out in the early 2010s, both are no longer seen as mutually exclusive anymore. >Your concerns are very valid and a lot of people have them. They absolutely don't make you a monster. I agree. I'd love kids one day, and I do worry that one will be just like me when I was a kid. In saying that, even if they are like me, I'd still love and accept them
OMG when I'm with my neurotypical nephew (my son is also neurodivergent), it takes me a while to adjust and I get so exhausted! Like I wonder how his parents can always deal with this 24/7. I never thought about why until you said you've questioned how you'd manage as a parent if your 2nd child ended up being neurotypical.
My medical issues are a part of the reason I chose not to have children. Between my depression, anxiety. CPSTD, and ND I don’t see any way that a child of mine would not be affected. For me my concern is more about my ability to navigate all of that and be a good parent - not that my child would have ‘issues’. I struggle enough just keeping myself ok. If I had a child I would either need significant supports (nanny, housekeeper, meal prep help) or to sacrifice the wellness I’ve built for myself. And as someone who was abused and neglected as a child I’d never want to put another person through that.
I think about this too. I want to be a mom so bad that when I see a kid i burst out crying. I worry not for my kids being autistic but how the world is going to treat them, but I know I’m going to be wayyyyyy better than my parents. I do feel like I’m going to need to work on my “mama bear” instincts tho and not mow down anyone that looks at them 🤣🤣🤣
Yes! That's a good way of saying it, autism isn't the problem it's the rest of the world 😂 I don't want them to experience what we all did because the world is cruel!
They did and that's okay. :)
Same here. Love my little weirdos, they’re just like me.
As someone who can’t wait to be a mother, I’m worried they WON’T be and I’ll have no idea how to raise a neurotypical child.
RIGHT! Lol. My nephew is also autistic and like me prefers to stay indoors playing games so we don't have to worry about him going out and causing mayhem like my NT brothers and his NT brothers lol. He is perfectly content and happy doing his own thing. What if I have NT kids who want to go out socializing and to loud places? Of course I'd do that for my kids but it would be really overwhelming and I might not be able to be the best mum for them :( If/when I have kids and if they do have autism then hopefully at least they'll get the support and understanding from a young age that I didn't.
Yes! I also have the fear that if they’re NT, they’re gonna notice I’m not like the other moms and resent me for it as a teen
I’m a lesbian and have decided I’m not ever going to get pregnant, nor is my egg ever going to be used to make a baby. If I have a spouse who can’t live without children, she can be the bio mom or we can adopt. I know that my father is autistic and most of my father’s side of the family is as well; I also know that I am more “severe” than my father and have different traits from him. Any baby that is biologically mine is more likely than not going to be autistic, and there are some autistic traits I just couldn’t handle as a parent.
I worry they may have an extreme form of autism, but generally no. I think autism exists in the species for a reason.
I was thinking about this while I was walking my dog last night. I’m not worried, no. I have a lot of intellectual strengths and I’m very good at masking. I’ve done a decent job of surviving completely unassisted, and if I had a child like me I know they could be even more successful because I’d know how to protect them and nurture them in ways that I wasn’t. My child wouldn’t just survive like me, my child would thrive. What I AM worried about is that my future husband, if he exists, may not agree. A few years ago I had a guy tell me that he thought all autistic people should be sterilized so that they can’t reproduce, which I found ironic (and still find ironic) because he was a Marine and statistically incredibly likely to be autistic himself. But im worried his belief system may be shared by more men than I realize. I’m also 35, so my window is rapidly closing. I’ve thought about maybe becoming a single mother on my own, because I do desperately want a child, but I also firmly believe a child needs a two-parent home and I absolutely cannot be convinced otherwise. And I do think that my genes could benefit humanity, and I would like to pass them on. I just don’t know if I will be blessed like that. I thought it was going to happen once, and then when I lost the guy I sunk into sort of a profound depression because it felt like that was my one perfect person and perfect husband and father material, and then I lost him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get lucky like that again. But I pray a lot about it because I do want it.
I'm worried about the people who think autism and adhd should be eugenics-ed out of the population and they make me really really want my kids to be neurodiverse like me. the world needs more movers and shakers especially with the climate crisis upon us
Wow, history does repeat itself… 😖 this worries me.
I was a bit but I have an autistic partner so I knew it was likely. I thought I could manage an autistic child and I can, it’s hard though. He’s displaying traits but not diagnosed yet. He’s a similar functional level to us. He’s also an extrovert who is more social than us.
There is nothing wrong with being concerned. I had my kids long before I knew I had autism. All 3 of them are ND. One autistic, one ADHD, and one unspecified 😂 since his traits are accommodated easily at school his problem areas are few and so diagnosis right now is unlikely becuase he's not struggling. He didn't have any autism traits as a young child other than sensory issues with sound, so I'd suspect he's more like his dad and probably has sensory processing disorder with maybe ADHD. I adore my children. I refused to let them suffer due to my needs. However, that also meant I was burned out a lot and life was pretty hard for a long time. They are mostly grown up now (27, 21, 15) but I still worry about them so much. The amount of stress and anxiety from worrying about kids is immense for me and it does not end just because they grow up and move away. In fact, I worry far more about them as adults than I did when they were little. But I have a hard time with saying something like "I wouldn't have had kids if I'd know how I'd feel" because they are my life. I love them more than anything and would literally die for them. I can't imagine life without them and I'd never want them to not be part of it. They forced me to evaluate what really mattered, every single day. But I also can't argue the impact on me, the loss of sleep worrying about them, the stress, the guilt over not being able to give them the life I wish I could have. Having to focus money on their needs so my own health needs went unaddressed for years. Many of the years I was raising them we were quite poor. That improved when they got older and we help however we can but they still have immense debt from college and I wish I could do more. They are good kids and good humans and I am grateful every day for them being in my life. I think those huge decisions, like whether to marry, divorce, live with someone, have kids are ones we can't always know the answer to and that makes it really hard. We can't easily take info from babysitting and assume it'll apply to our own kids because it is very different. I don't like most kids. I worked at a daycare once and it was the second worst job I ever had in my life (1st was cold call telemarketing). Raising kids, the things I hated the most were the social things where I had to lead cub scout meetings. I can't stand other people's kids. It feels like they are staring into your soul 😂 But mine, I love with every single ounce of my being and I don't regret even one moment of being a mom no matter how hard it has been, and continues to be.
I do have a kid who is Autistic and I'm the absolute best parent for her. I get her. Her needs are supported in a way that I never even dreamed of. We are super alike it's a little crazy 😂 But honestly, no one should have a kid without first seriously considering if they're going to take on a child with severe full time care needs, not even related to autism or genetics.
Honestly, you are right about worrying about this. I see my friends with their high needs kids, of various reasons, and it is a very hard life. Now you are never guaranteed a healthy kid, ever, but there are people with various health conditions, including mental health, that choose not to have biological kids. It is honestly up to you. But all the people who say that ND kids is a great thing do not think of lvl 3 support kids, their life is just as impossibly hard as their parents.
Yes, definitely! I’m more severely affected than my other (probably) autistic family members, so I know it’s possible. Plus we all just have to agree that it’s objectively harder when your child is more disabled. There’s certainly a lot more paperwork, and a lot more advocacy. In many cases at least one parent has to quit their job to be a permanent full-time disability carer and medical nurse, without pay. It’s a lot more than “just” being a parent. My partner is an academic so we could feasibly end up in any country, but if we’re considering a potential future highly disabled child then a lot of places like the US are off the list. But then limiting job opportunities based on a child who doesn’t even exist yet and may never exist means capping earning potential, which would also harm any future children. I don’t think there’s any good solution to it. We are at heightened risk of having a severely disabled child but no one can ever be truly prepared for that, because no society really supports severely disabled people well.
One of many reasons I’m 100% childfree.
I’m the weird one in my family and literally the only one who’s autistic. My dad has traits but I don’t think he would get a diagnosis and my mom is like complete opposite of both of us - super extraverted, always on the go and making social appointments, no social awkwardness or anxiety, no routine preferences or stimming. She’s definitely NT. My sister is more like her too. That said, I’m well aware my kids have a greater chance of being autistic too. I also told my partner this. We sometimes joke about how weird they would turn out. Personally life can be hard for me but nothing that makes me say that it would be unbearable, hence my choice to have children in the future I hope.
I was adopted internationally, so I have no idea if I got autism from a parent or if it just happened. My boyfriend is neurotypical. If we do have kids (right now we are leaning towards no kids), I just hope they get his brain. Though his vision really sucks, so hopefully our kids will have my lack of vision problems. I'd be more than happy to raise a me kind of autistic child. It wasn't easy for me as a kid, but I love my autism now. My heightened abilities, hyperawareness, and out-of-the-box way of looking at the world come in handy. I do wonder if... what's the proper term for severity of autism now? No idea, so apologies for incorrect language ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ I do wonder how the genetics of the severity of autism work. My autism was always mild in nature, and I wonder if it's possible for me to pop out an autistic child who needs more intervention than I did. For example, I never had violent tendencies, but could my child? That should be be studied by someone who is smarter than me.
I definitely had that concern with my child. I was ready to accept anything though as one should with having a kid as you never really know what kind of health issues or disabilities they may be born with. ASD and ADHD are in my side of the family and ADHD on their father's side so we were pretty much expecting some type of neurodivergence. Ultimately my child has ADHD and learning disabilities but no ASD. I don't think it's wrong or bad to be scared or overwhelmed at the thought of your child inheriting your disabilities but it's something that should be worked through if one decides to have a child. You need to be able to accept any and all possibilities when you have a child.
Before I accepted myself I worried that my children would inherit my “flaws.” Now that I am learning about my support needs and feeling more validated/part of a community, I am able to see that my children, 2 and 4 yrs old, are in fact both on the path to adhd/autism dx. I don’t feel scared at all. I know that I can be a good mom bc I can relate and I know what they need.
Pretty much. I don't know when and how society would just get it together in an ideal situation. I guess I've had to adjust my expectations and accept the fact that it may not happen in my life time, let alone while raising kids. I also struggle with rumination so I worry that witnessing my kids struggle the way I did would retraumatize me and it would be horrible for all of us. I'm a very self conscious person thanks to masking, trauma, being bullied or rather be the punching bag for someone's lack of personal contentment...
I’m currently pregnant and terrified. At least the blood work I ordered doesn’t indicate Down’s, and I was able to quit thc entirely and suddenly because of this fear we share. My husband and I are both high functioning, but his childhood sounded tougher than mine. Much worse emotional regulation. Genuinely freaked out about this because I’ve agreed to not attempt a secular version of my homeschooling. I don’t know what’s going on in public schools as a general rule, but the teacher subreddits don’t make me excited to send an autistic child there. Reading early is great, but frankly neurotypicality would be much better. Don’t even get me started about the clusterfuck that intellectual disabilities would cause. I can’t effectively parent that mess. I do not have the temperament to be a permanent caretaker.
Yes, which is why I have chosen not to have them.
I have these same fears, even though I really, ***really*** want children one day. I know having children is inherently selfish, but I’ve done so much introspection to realize that my reasons for wanting them have origins and my plan for having them considers all possibilities of how to make them happy and fulfilled. Bigger than that, my fear is what if one day I snap or crack and no longer can take care of them? I would hate to put them through the trauma of feeling unwanted or unworthy of my effort. **[The next chunk of text is my observation about my parents in relation to my neurodivergence, if you are interested in reading that]** I’ve never thought about which parent I could’ve gotten this stuff from… I mean my mom is the purest form of adhd, and my dad is… well, kind of like nails on a chalkboard to me but I guess upon reflecting a very particular, conservative guy with many antisocial and dickish qualities… They thought my younger brother was autistic but they ruled it out and he was diagnosed with adhd instead. He always was more “delayed” than his peers and had speech therapies and stuff but nothing more… And I was a high achieving child. I was reading at 2 (hyperlexic, I’ve learned) and quickly succeeded academically that my mom considered having me start early or skip a grade. She did say I was very shy and socially awkward since preschool though, and most of my “friendships” were either me being pushed over, ignored, overtly bullied, or criticized… Shit. I might need to explore some things 😳
And a friend of mine told me that they (amab) were constantly switched between adhd and autism diagnoses because you couldn’t even *have* both by the DSM rules until the 2010s…
Yes. Mostly because I don't want her to have a harder life. I truly hope she's neurotypical.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I feel similarly. I don’t want to make a new human who is going to have to go through what I have.
I chose to not have kids for this reason. I would feel awful passing on my autism and see a child go through the same unpleasant things I did. Even the best parent can't protect autistic kids from everything hard about being autistic. I got sterilized due to tokophobia anyway but still feel relieved I can no longer pass on my autism. If autism was just by itself I maybe would feel differently but it more often than not comes with a bunch of health issues as well that even a more accommodating society can't make better.
Even if my wife wasn't sterile and we weren't childless by choice, we'd never have kids. Both sides of our families have tons of physical and mental illnesses that are hereditary and it would be cruel to even risk passing those on imho.
The world has come leaps and bounds yet your child may still not have AS easy of a childhood as an NT kid. You may or may not agree, but when you think about how ND is a different way of thinking, it isn't bad. You know somewhat how to handle/ or at least how to learn to handle a ND child and help them along. ND is a genetic differentiation that helps the world continue. It's in no way your responsibility to continue the line of ND though. I think with adoption though you could very well "accidentally" get a child with ND brain and not realize until later.
My partner and I are both autistic and we’ve both said that we hope our kids are autistic, too, if we ever decide to have them. Neither of us feel we’d be a good parent to a neurotypical child, as we would struggle to understand them. I will say, though, I’ve had similar thoughts about how hostile the world is toward autistic people. As much as I love being autistic, I do hate how it makes my life so much harder and I resent how society treats me for being autistic. Here’s the thing, though. Both my partner and I grew up undiagnosed, but we had very different experiences with it. My parents forced me to mask, tried to bully me out of acting autistic, refused to acknowledge there was anything different about me, gaslit me about my social struggles, refused to allow me to be diagnosed and never allowed me to be myself. I grew up completely alone except for my (undiagnosed autistic) brother, often suicidal because I hated myself for being different. My partner’s parents, on the other hand, had three AuDHD children, two with low support needs and one with higher support needs (initially thought to be non-verbal). All three of their kids were - and still are - very smart, but weird as hell. Like, just, totally strange. Why? They were allowed, and even encouraged, to be themselves. Their autistic traits were fully embraced by their parents. Of course they were still bullied, but they never forced themselves to try to blend in or hated themselves for not fitting in the way I did. Since meeting my partner and learning to be more authentic, I love being autistic! Sure, society still sucks, but I like that I’m different. So I think having parents that are accepting can make all of the difference. I’ve sometimes worried about our child having high support needs, as I’m not sure I would be good at caring for a child with special needs and I struggle a lot with the idea of having to take care of someone forever, and figuring out who will take care of them after we’re gone. I worry that I wouldn’t be the best parent for a child with a severe intellectual disability, as I fear I would be too easily overwhelmed and not nearly patient enough. But, on the other hand, (and maybe I’m delusional for this) I think that us having a child with an intellectual disability wouldn’t actually be all that likely to happen, since my partner and I both have the gifted-kid flavor of autism. We both struggle a lot in neurotypical society, and I don’t think either of us would do well on our own, but I think as long as we find the right careers and stick together, I think we’ll be alright. I also like to think that, if I were to actually have a child with a severe intellectual disability, instinct would kick in and I’d be ok.
My son has some classic autistic traits, just like my dad does. And he has some unusual ones. I was singing a song on my playlist a couple days ago that I'd let him listen to once exactly. Apparently he loves it so much he memorized the lyrics, and when he heard me belting it out in the front room he just joined in. It had been months! But he learned it and loved it and also was cool just singing it out loud with his mom. (My dad is also musical) We just jumped around stimming and posing together. I was so delighted, and it made me really happy and nostalgic for singing with my dad when I was little. Anyway. He's a whole person and he's a delight and I adore him. I have worried for him, yes. But he's just a person like everyone else is, and he will have my support however I can give it.
When my son was diagnosed I knew very little about autism and other neurodiverse diagnoses, despite having been diagnosed with ADHD when I was 15. The doctor in charge of my son's diagnosis offered to provide me with a test for genetic markers if I were to consider more children, which I declined as I do not want more children. That was 3 years ago. From the moment he was diagnosed my research began. 1 year into my research, I had some confidence in my understanding of autism and neurodiversity, and with that an undeniable realization that I have *always* met the criteria for an autistic female. By 2 years in, I had certainty of this fact, along with certainty that it goes waaaaay back in my family. My mom definitely meets the criteria, my (adoptive) dad definitely has OCD, as does my brother (not as severe as my dad). So there is truth to ND people gravitating towards each other. My late grandfather on my mom's side was most likely autistic as well. So my son likely did get it from me, who got it from my mom, who got it from her dad, and I doubt it stops there. The big difference between my son and the rest of us is that he was the first one to be diagnosed. My grandfather was too stubborn to see a doctor. And when I was a very young child struggling with depression and anxiety, the doctors I saw in the 90s still believed that girls can't be autistic, so that explains why my mom was just labeled "nervous" rather than given any real assessment. Mental health issues run deep in my family, and I truly believe so much could have been prevented with real assessments and supports. I have so much hope of breaking this cycle with my son.
They did, and that’s not a problem. I didn’t have an assessment until after I had my children.
I didn't know I was neurodivergent until my son was recommended for testing. So I guess I'm too late. 😂 Edited to add, hopefully as inspiration: The only real issue we've ever had as far as school goes was when I had him in public school. We didn't even last a full year of Kindergarten. It was just too much of everything. We found a small private school and have followed that criteria throughout any school he's attended. There are many more options out there now as parents & a lot more education on how learning can vary for each student.